Lovett or Leave It - Thoughts & Chairs

Episode Date: August 12, 2023

Lovett or Leave It prepares for a much needed holiday this week at LA’s Dynasty Typewriter. Laci Mosley and Lovett set sail for the Montgomery riverbank, and they’re bringing their own folding chair. Maria Bamford considers vacationing with the cult of her choice. We all bring plenty of baggage when Ian Harvie unpacks iconic LGBTQ commercials. Bridger Winegar hopes America’s celebrities left room in their suitcase, because he’s got something special for everyone. And the Rant Wheel brings you some souvenirs for the road: the truth about 12-step groups, the Regal Cinema intro, and, of course, the lack of soft serve on the West Coast. For a closed-captioned version of this episode, click here. For a transcript of this episode, please email [e-mail] and include the name of the podcast.

Hello, Los Angeles. Welcome to our 477th show in a row and our last show for four weeks. Coming at you from a perfectly mild L.A. day after weeks of unrelenting heat and Taylor Swift-induced earthquakes. If you would like to earn some good karma before the climate apocalypse comes to your town, head to hawaiicommunityfoundation.org slash Maui-Strong

to help the victims of the fires in Maui. We have a great show for you tonight. Maria Bamford will decide the best Maria of them all. Ian Harvey and I have jumped through the history of TV ads willing to acknowledge the existence of gays and theys. Lacey Mosley is back to take us to a dock in Montgomery. Bridger Weininger says yes gifts. And we spin the rant wheel. But first, let's get into it. What a week. On Sunday, Florida Governor Ron DeSantis

finally sort of halfway acknowledged that Donald Trump lost the 2020 election by saying Joe Biden's the president. Of course he lost. Trump lost the 2020 election. Of course. Joe Biden's the president. Ron DeSantis, welcome to DeRessistance.

So he's admitting Trump lost while leaving room to claim that he lost because the election was stolen, trying to have his pudding and eat it with three fingers too. Said DeSantis, whoever puts their hand on the Bible on January 20 every four years is the winner.

This is what courage looks like, giving the most legalistic possible answer to a yes or no question. Did you commit the murders? Well, I wasn't convicted. Not what I asked. Meanwhile, DeSantis has replaced his campaign manager in the latest phase of his campaign shakeup. It's the old ship of Theseus paradox. If you gradually replace all the parts of a ship one at a time, is it going to get instantly destroyed when Trump calls you a gay nerd? But are you the same gay nerd? Glistening with sweat! Donald Trump complained extensively about the heat during a campaign stop in New Hampshire.

And by the way, I want to say officially for the press, it's about 110 degrees in this room. Nice job with the air conditioning, whoever. But you know what the press will say? You know what they'll say? Trump didn't look well. He was extremely wet. It's a shame there's not another Trump who could give this Trump one of his devastating Trump nicknames.

Could you imagine? This would be the last we'd ever hear of Wet Donald. Special Counsel Jack Smith asked for a protective order to stop Trump from sharing evidence publicly in the January 6th criminal case after Trump wrote on True Social, If you go after me, I'm coming after you. Seems like Smith kind of jumped to conclusions. That could have been a threat against witnesses in any of Trump's criminal trials. Meanwhile, Fulton County District Attorney Fannie Willis is reportedly expected to ask a grand jury to return Donald Trump's next round of indictments as soon as Tuesday. We don't have a show next week,

so let me just get ahead of this. Trump now has more indictments than wives, which reminds me, next week. So let me just get ahead of this. Trump now has more indictments than wives, which reminds me, it's time to crack open Ivana's golf course grave. Whatever's in there, it's indictment number five. What's in there? Rudy Giuliani has put his Upper East Side apartment up for sale for $6.5 million. Giuliani explained, this is too much space for me. I'm going to be, this is too much space for me. I'm going to be... This is too much space for me. I'm going to be perfectly happy living inside the walls. I love that one. Just picture him back there. Gotta pay the lawyers somehow, said the former mayor of New York, moving into his new spot where he asks travelers these riddles three before they're allowed to cross the George Washington

Bridge. Personally, that old Giuliani place gives me the creeps. Some say, on quiet nights, when you listen very closely, you can still hear him railing his cousins. I love it. I love it. The listing notes that the three-bedroom unit... By the way, we're doing a full five minutes on Giuliani listing an apartment.

We haven't mentioned Ukraine in three months. We can review, they call it. The listing... The listing notes that the three-bedroom unit has an abundance of sunshine, high ceilings, and beautiful hardwood floors. The floors are coated in a strange sheen, continued the listing, almost like a thin slime. And when we tried to clean it off, the slime kind of grabbed the mops and used them as bats. But then when you try to

hit the slime, it goes liquid again. Anyway, we recommend embracing the slime, a charming feature that your children will love. 90-year-old Senator Dianne Feinstein was briefly hospitalized again after a fall this week and has since been discharged and returned home. You should see the other guy, quipped Feinstein, to one of the vultures

circling above the Senate. I apologize if this sounds ageist, but enough is enough. They have to take her skateboard away. Anyway, Feinstein immediately returned

to her office and the people's business, holding a stapler to her ear and asking the operator for Butterfield 8. President Biden on Tuesday designated a new national monument near the Grand Canyon, which will protect lands that are sacred to native tribes in the area. The event went pretty smoothly until Dianne Feinstein fell into the canyon. The event went pretty smoothly until Dianne Feinstein fell into the canyon. In a 5-4 vote, the Supreme Court ruled to temporarily allow the Biden administration to enforce regulations on ghost guns.

Said the guns in response to the verdict, boo! Speaking of the Supreme Court, the New York Times reported that Clarence Thomas received a loan from a healthcare executive in order to pay for his $267,000 RV, adding it to the list of elaborate gifts and trips the Supreme Court justice has accepted from wealthy benefactors.

At this point, kudos to Clarence Thomas. It's got to take a real fucking mastermind to turn a position on the Supreme Court into an endless episode of My Super Sweet 16. Then on Thursday, ProPublica published a report about other billionaires from whom Clarence Thomas has accepted lavish gifts and 38 destination vacations, including an oil exec named Paul Tony Novelli. Clarence Thomas insists there was no conflicts of interest since he was equally prepared to accept lavish gifts from endangered wildlife. Novelli joins other wealthy donors who have courted Thomas,

like David Soko, H. Wayne Heisiga, and of course, Harlan Crowe, whoever only Crowe's name appears in the Supreme Court Justice's disclosure documents. When reached for comment, said Crowe, you're in his DMs, I'm in his disclosure documents. We are not the same. Wayne Brady came out as pansexual in a Monday Instagram post. Makes sense. Pansexuality is the yes and of sexual orientations. Now, somebody shout a gender expression and a location.

Did I hear non-binary and the butt? A 64-year-old Sylvie, Texas woman was riding in a lawnmower on her property when she was attacked by both a snake and a hawk that was trying to eat the snake. This wasn't how it was supposed to go down, said the couple that organized the gender reveal. Snake was supposed to mean boy, and hawk was supposed to mean girl. Anyway, the woman died. She didn't die. Dunkin' Donuts unveiled a new horror this week,

their new line of spiked ice coffees, including original mocha, caramel, and vanilla. So exciting. Four new shades of barf for Boston's cobblestones. They might as well just quarantine Boston now. It's going to be 28 days later over there, except everyone's trying to smash their way into illegal seafood to use the bathroom.

And before we go, DJ Casper, the man behind the wedding and graduation party staple, the Cha-Cha Slide, passed away at the age of 58 earlier this week. Tonight, we memorialize him and his work, which will live on in our hearts. One hop this time. One hop this time. One hop this time. Right foot, two stumps. Left foot, two stumps. Slide to the left. Slide to the right.

Freeze! Cha-cha real smooth. Turn it out. Malcolm, Brian, Davis, Hallie, everybody. When we come back, Alabama. And we're back. A programming note. Next week, you will hear the Philly show. Which some people thought we weren't releasing

because it was too good. Is that what they said? releasing because it was too good. Is that what they said? They said it was too good. But we said, no, no, they must hear it. The people must hear it. So next week is the Philly show. The week after that, Malcolm's cooking up an incredible best of.

Oh, yeah. So tell them now? Well, no, just say that it's an incredible best of. It's an incredible best of. Yeah. And then we'll be dark. And you'll be fine. Your energy is wrong.

And then we back after Labor Day. This team, my energy's wrong. Their energy's wrong. The point is, this team has been fucking crushing it. And this is the end of a run of incredible shows. And we're taking a little break. And then we're coming back in the fall.

The point is, come this fall, Love It or Leave It is going on tour. Get tickets at crooked.com slash events, and we're coming to a city near you. Alright. This is a new show, as we've noted several times tonight. And as such, we need to discuss this week's most important breaking story, a full-on brawl that took place on the Montgomery, Alabama riverfront

after a boat full of white people attacked a black dock employee. Here to break down the throwdown with me, it's the scam goddess herself, one of our favorite guests, Lacey Mosley. For a segment we're calling, Rolling on the Riverboat. Hi. Hi. Hi. How are you? Hey, baby.

Good to see you. Oh, my goodness. I'm just going to let you guys all know up top, I am fully unhinged today. Let's start by, do we have that first clip? Just to give people a sense of what we're talking about here. Yes, because y'all need to see this. I was off Twitter that day and then move the boat. So there is a black gentleman in a uniform, like a security uniform.

And then he gets attacked by two white guys. I think you got to pause and go back. And he gets attacked by two white guys. I think you got to pause and go back. They need to see this again because this is a pivotal moment. Basically, what's happening is just before you hit play, this person is doing his job and he's saying, move your fucking boat. I've got to get the correct boat here. and basically while he's arguing with one person, a white person, another white person from his,

I don't know what you call it, a six pack of men. I don't know what they're. I was going to say pontoon, and I was like, that's not right. White people, what do y'all call it when y'all on a boat together, a carnival cruise?

Yeah. What? Well, I think actually a group of these guys is called an insurrection. Okay. Yes. So anyway,

another member of the insurrection just comes running full speed at him, starts hitting him and attacking him, and then he throws his hat up into the air. Yes.

But when we replay this moment, I need y'all to see what this black man did with his hat. Because it's not just he throws it in the air. He reaches for it. Then he go turn it around. And then he go throw it up in the air.

Like, this is a bat signal. He's black man. He's Batman. So he's like, I'm trying to. He's like, oh, no. Insurrectionist. I got it from another angle. I got it from another angle. Malcolm has it from another angle.

We're going to watch it from another angle. And I love that black people just know. That's the thing about black people. If I see black people in public and I don't know them, we still going to give each other the nod. It's just customary. So I see somebody walk past, hey, yo, stay up, stay up, king. I don't know them, we still gonna give each other the nod. It's just customary. So I see somebody walk past, hey, yo, stay up, stay up, king. Like,

I don't even know them. And he threw his hat into the air and black people rushed over. They were like, he's in distress. We have to help him. So are you gonna, Malcolm, are we gonna see it from another angle now? Yeah, but there's like all this other

all these other things that we wrote down for you to say oh sorry I told you I'm unhinged I'm derailing this do the other things John I'm sorry I'm being quiet but just the hat I just needed people to understand how important the hat was because as a people it was just

a very important thing it's like we all know how to dap each other up we all know how to do all the dances and we also will see a hat fly and know that we have to come over and beat somebody ass with a chair so go ahead so it does feel like everyone's enjoying this in part because first of all a bunch of people came to his defense. Second of all, the police went after the white guys that started the brawl. That never happens. There's also like a – I think that like under all of this though, there really is like a real darkness to all of it, which is the sense that the reason he's throwing his hat up in the air, right, is that like, hey, I'm in trouble here. Yeah, distress. Because I am in a fucked up situation where I'm getting attacked

The hat signal. by a bunch of different, by the hat signal. But everyone gets to watch basically a version of a horrible story that's been told a lot. Yeah. But that this one doesn't have

as terrible an ending as others have had. And I think that's a very poignant point because, yeah, we've pulled out our phones and we've taken video evidence of our people being murdered by the police and then getting murdered, like George Floyd getting fully murdered, you know, like, or like there's, there's been other situations where you've watched nine minutes, 11 minutes of someone getting murdered on film and it still doesn't return the same justice. And then you see that film played over

and over on the news, and you start to realize that there's a large populace in this country that enjoys watching that because it is reestablishing their notion that we deserve to be killed, we don't deserve the same rights and that if a white person pulls up on you and decides to police you even though they aren't deputized to do so that they're still allowed to do it because of the color of their skin so this was a moment where like as a negro i'm gonna tell y'all i have never seen somebody throw a hat in the air and know that that was a signal for me to come running. And I don't think any of them black people did either.

But they were like, I don't know. He threw the hat in the air. We got to run over there. Somebody get a chair. Like, we got to fight. Like, and so it's like. What's interesting about that is I think that there's a lot of white people that saw this video and have just been pretending like I guess that must have been a signal I didn't know about that but you know in a racist system

like white people trying to be good like I guess this is one way that over time an evolved system for how to deal with white violence is the hat throw it's a symbol it's a secret connection that white people don't know about. We come up with all the slang. You know, they've taken, they always take our language from us, the white supremacists.

I assume that if you're all here for John, that you're not. Because y'all know what he brings to the table, and it's not that. Hey. You know? Stop it. I don't think there's ever been somebody who comes to john's show and it's like he he don't like trump i'm leaving like like y'all know the vibes y'all good y'all good nice white folk and but but the language evolves

and they took woke from us and bastardized it and made it something that it wasn't. All woke meant was that institutionalized racism is so insidious in our country that it goes from gerrymandering to how our prisons are populated to sentencing to education systems to the reason right now where Texas isas is gonna defund libraries to make them detention centers to continue the prison pipeline for minority youth it goes into all of that it's insidious right but they took that word from us and made woke like oh these are just annoying negroes who always want to complain all the time about how we bad to them you know but they do that with other language and so like there's this like phrase and you know malcolm you know when people say like oh that's cap yeah like oh that's cap means you're lying like that's not true right and that's just like and a lot of times on tiktok they turn our language into oh that's gen z language no it's queer black language and it's black language that they're like

oh no this is how tiktok people talk and it's like no they don't know what they're saying and it sounds weird in sentences but so cap has been a thing and then when he threw the cap i guess we was like we gotta go chase we gotta go help him out like so so he throws so he throws the hat and I saw Damon Young pointed this out which I hadn't noticed until I heard him say it there's no evidence that the hat ever reaches the ground every angle I've looked for

there's not an angle where the hat comes down the hat left the hat was like I'm out the hat went he threw that so high that it like did the E.T. thing across the moon and is gone. And then. The hat flew across the city so everybody could see it. It was like, if we don't get these near black people, we're going to get some black people with this hat.

I guess we was all going to look up and be like, why that hat up there? Let's go that direction. I guess we was all going to look up and be like, what a head up there. Let's go that direction. And then, but someone immediately answers the call. But of course, they're on a boat. Yeah.

And so someone jumps off the boat, swims. And do you know for a black man to jump in water? He don't know how deep the water is. I can swim and I don't get in the ocean like that. Do you know the ocean and the tides are controlled by the moon? You think I'm getting in some shit that's controlled by the moon? So he swims all the way across. He gets out.

Like Michael Phelps. He is swimming. That's a butterfly. A lot of the early brawl is happening while he's in the water. And right as he gets there, the security guard starts walking off. And this person, he's just like, well, now we're walking together. And he just gets up and he's just walking with this guy. And it's awesome. All right, so then...

Oh, just... It has brought in so many people. Oh, a folding chair comes down. Jesus. Do you know they've already made merch about this chair? I saw a hat that was like, keep that thing on me and it was a chair this is now i guess black people's new statement that if you want to get racist with us apparently a chair will appear and see how it's not a gun that's such a

I have to say that's under all of this too like my like the sheer luck that this didn't end it's not luck white people have been trying to kill black folks for so long

that in the medical industry they think that we are superhuman and will not give us pain medication because they think we are simply stronger than white people. I have experienced this myself. And it is because they've been trying to kill us for so long and they're like, why won't you niggas die? Why are y'all still alive?

What's going on? We did everything we could. And so we are trying to kill white people. I think that they're still a little worried that we try to want revenge from slavery. But it's like, first of all, we're 13% of the population. We don't have the numbers. And we thought about it. We thought about it.

But we don't have the numbers. And we live in a society right now where inflation's high, capitalism is fucked. We want to just live happy, healthy lives. We don't got time for that. So that's why if you act a fool, we're going to hit you with aism is fucked. We want to just live happy, healthy lives. We don't got time for that. So that's why if you act a fool, we're going to hit you with a chair. You're not going to die from that. But you're going to learn your lesson. You're going to learn your lesson when you got hit with a chair.

My point is only that if I thought, if I could think of, if I needed to find a gun in a hurry, my first thought would be to check the pontoon boat of five drunk white guys attacking a black security guard. That's all I'm saying. Like, there wasn't a gun in that fucking cooler. That is luck.

That's all I'm saying. But also, like, let's be honest. Most people who have guns don't have good aim. I've been to a lot of shooting ranges. I like a nine millimeter with a laser pointer. It's accurate. And I can hit center mass. Like, they

would have been shooting, like, what you got, six bullets in a clip? Like, they're not gonna be able to hit somebody that quick. Like, you know, I like a chair. A chair is effective. And he hit a woman with that chair. A woman hopped out of the boat, and he was like, Karen, I'm sorry, you're gonna

have to get this chair, too. You're gonna have to get the word. And I don't agree with men hitting women, but also you stepped into a situation you should have stepped into. And now you got to sit down. But it's actually going to be a chair that's sitting you down on your head. It's like reverse of musical chairs. The chair stops you. John, go away.

It's like... I also like that by the time we reach this moment... Reverse musical chairs. What a rebrand. I'm running with that. Black people with reverse musical chairs but the the thing that we're now at the point in this brawl where it's now eight or nine distinct fights spreading all up and down this boardwalk it's real pandemonium at this point can i tell

you i know you're gonna play it again but there's also a cultural thing that I think you guys should know about black people, which I also am now relating to this hat. So as a black person, my entire life, if I see black people running, Malcolm. You run. You run. It does not matter. You don't ask any questions. You just go. You don't ask where you're going.

Absolutely. You just start running. And I know I've seen them horror movies that y'all white people like to make where someone's like, hello. This isn't funny. Where are you? And they start walking towards the danger. We don't do that as black people. If I see somebody running, I'm like, it's danger.

I'm going to run with them. I don't know where we going. I'm going to ask questions when we get there. So I think a lot of these fights broke out because it was like, well, he threw the hat. Somebody swam across the lake.

We all fighting whoever we fighting now. We don't got a choice. We'll figure out why we were fighting after the fight. And then we'll be like, hey man, what was going on? Why we had to fight the white people?

I mean, that's, I'm like, where's the... That's what happened? So then... It's our culture. Can we go to the... To what happened after the news story? Yes.

Three white men in a pontoon boat charged in Montgomery Mall. Black man with chair sought for questioning. Sought for questioning. Stop for questioning. Where did you get the chair? Yeah, was that chair, did you,

was that chair a land chair or a sea chair? Did it come from a boat or did it come from a nearby restaurant? You folded it up and started hitting people with it. I love that they didn't

take him to jail and gun him down. They're just like, we brought him in for questioning. Sir, did you return the chair after? Where did this chair come from? This seems like a business chair. It seems like, you know how during the pandemic,

everyone started having sidewalk restaurants too, where they were putting chairs out and window, or what is that called? Like a tent, those little tents and shit on the sidewalk. And now they keep doing it because they're like, oh, extra room in our restaurant. We aren't giving this up. But did he steal it from there? Where he take the chair from?

It's really returning. Well, there's so many things that just pop in. Right. Like you have a swimmer come up. You have other people joining the fight. You have chairs coming in. They got to question him, too. Where'd you learn how to swim that good black man? But they do eventually, the boat that he was trying to make space for does eventually dock.

But I don't know if anyone from that boat makes it to the brawl in time. I'm not actually sure. I think they saw the brawl from the window. I think they saw the brawl from the window and when the chair got presented and Black Michael Phelps swam his way over there to fight, they were like, oh no, we don't want to get involved in this. The white lady who hopped off the boat and then got hit with the chair, they're like, oh no, they hitting everybody. We're actually, we're not going to get involved in this because what if someone throws up another hat? Are 30 more Negroes going to show up with chairs? Is every chair y'all are sitting in right now becomes a weapon?

You don't know how good that's bolted down. I bet you could snatch it up. I wouldn't take that risk. You can't take that risk. I think those were well-meaning white people like y'all who were like, hmm, as we're watching this brawl outside, do we get involved? I don't think we do. Let's wish them well. Thoughts and prayers.

Thoughts and chairs. Episode. Title of episode. Thoughts and chairs. We ain't going out there. Thoughts and chairs. Now, we would like to end with

look the America we want to see an America of goofs and memes because there is a beautiful reenactment of this fight by a group of black and white friends at a pool let's roll the clip hat off and white friends at a pool. Let's roll the clip.

Hat up! Wait for the swimmer. Wait. That's the America we want to see look at that oh the chair the chair is out the chair is out also great stunt work

he didn't hit anyone with that chair but we know the vibe can I tell you I saw this before I actually saw the real thing you know what? That's a great way to discover a story these days where you get the interpretation and the meta text before the original text.

What a way to live. Lacey Mosley. Everybody check out Scam Goddess when we come back. How to solve a problem like Maria. Hey, don't go anywhere. There's more of Love It or Leave It coming up And we're back Please welcome back to the show The incredible

Maria Bamford Thank you so much Hi Thank you for being here Come on. Hi. Thank you for being here. Thank you for having me. Oh, this is delightful. It's good to see you again.

Thank you so much. Yeah, I'm delighted to be here. I listen to this show every week, and so I get worried about sounding intelligent. Uh-oh. Already sounding dumb. We never let that stop us. So you have a new book coming out next month titled Sure, I'll Join Your Cult.

Yes. If you had to join a cult in Los Angeles, which one would you pick? Well, just because it's close to my house. Jehovah Witnesses. They've come up to see us a few times. It some ladies out with some nice umbrellas. And I think if you join a cult for a full week, you know, just go all in, attend everything, say, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And then you pull out back at the end, an abrupt stop. That can be the boost that you need to get out of a major depression. No bad ideas in a brainstorm.

No, exactly. That's very sweet For me I'd pick Scientology Yeah And let me tell you why It's close to my house Right That's a really good reason

Yes I appreciate that Geography Geography But also And people get very upset at me When I say this But I continue to say it

Tom Cruise seems cool And like The man would die to entertain us. He leaves it all out on the field for every goddamn movie. Drove a motorcycle off a cliff. Seems to work 75 hours a day. Skin is dewy as

short king. Short king? Short king. I watched the original Mission Impossible and it makes it's incredible. It makes no sense whatsoever. But the least sensible part of the whole movie is that he loses in a fight to John Voight.

Could you imagine? Tom Cruise. The man can just do push-ups. Not like, oh, how many can he do? He can just do them. He's doing them. The way that water polo people can just tread water forever. Yes, all the time.

That's his pushups. Yeah. I'm concerned that he might not be a lot of fun to talk to. Tom Cruise. No, no, I think that's a smart question about interacting with him. Super intense eye contact, I bet. Intense. Just so key into you. Yeah. And your him. Yeah. Super intense eye contact, I bet. Intense. Just so key into you.

Yeah. And your reactions. Yeah. And I might want to, I mean, this would be the bad part, is I might want to mock him as I'm talking to him or, you know, in a very passive aggressive way. I just, I don't want to do that to Tom Cruise. He's been through a lot. He's still going through a lot.

And I'm sure there's a reason he's so productive is because it's a billion dollar shaped hole. I don't know. I don't know. Isn't that the interesting thing? Yeah. Why is he working so hard? There's not enough. You know?

There's not enough. If you're loved, you got no more ambition. There's no reason to keep... Oh, I gotta keep hustling. No, I've got two pugs at home. They're old. They don't even want to walk around the block.

They fucking love me. I don't need to do anything more. I don't need to. Although I am here. That clearly suggests I care a little bit. Yeah, they're still sober, but maybe your bucket is smaller than his infinite bucket. Oh, God, yeah.

Everybody's bucket needs some water. Yeah, a little. And some people's buckets are bigger than others, and some people's buckets have holes in it. His seems to have a hole, and there's a hole in his bucket. And he puts all the water in, and he's like, ah, bone dry. More water for the fucking bucket. Yeah, he's going to be out at the Bob Hope Airport, which will soon be called the Tom Cruise Airport.

And he'll be out there in his little wheelchair shaking everybody's hand when he's 99. Yeah. Just like Bob Hope did. You know like needing to get out there and feel useful on that level I mean I don't want to sound negative about that

I love the Burbank airport I know that's always a crowd pleaser and here's the thing. And here's the thing. And I just want everyone listening at home. We make jokes and we poke fun. We all love the Burbank Airport. Yes, no.

Nothing wrong with that airport. And if you have to go on a trip and you remember you're going to Burbank Airport instead of the other one, you say to yourself, fuck yeah. Yeah. Yep. You say to yourself, fuck yeah. Yep. Now, unfortunately, you're usually going Southwest, which is mean you're gonna have a weird conversation with someone. It's gonna be, yeah. Someone's, yeah,

lost a relative, and I always get the middle seat. I'm always a C, C class on Southwest. Hey, do you ever think Tom Hanks just goes and sits on the forest gump bench just to get a quick fucking hit? Oh, yeah, for sure. Hit a juice. Of course.

He wrote a book. Why write a book of fiction unless you need, like you need something. You need a little, like that's, he's working hard. I mean, I just, I think, I mean, everybody has the human need to feel useful. And, but then some people I think might have a higher, you know, they need to also be recognized and, you know, have attention. And I'm talking about myself I love the glow of the lights I love us

sitting here standing in judgment of all these attention seeking whores into microphones on a stage I go two weeks without an audience I just start yelling at everyone at the office I know my own the monster,

the calls coming from inside the house. I am the problem. But I also, yeah, I just, I also know my limits. I'm just, I'm not, I'm no longer achieving on the level that I'd hoped. Because I realize, I mean, don't you realize this as you get older? Oh, it's not what I thought it was

anyways, so why am I striving so hard? That's such an interesting way to put it. I think, oh, you haven't yet gotten what you need to have it feel the way you thought it would. Keep going. Oh, wow!

I didn't think about that. I thought I was more like, oh, this is good enough, or that felt bad. I think I better stop. Well, my therapist often says to me, hey, I think we should work on why you feel this way without trying to change everything about your life to feel better.

Yes. And I always say, or, why don't we see which one of us is right when everything is perfect? You know what I mean? Yes. And she's like, I'll see you next week for the same amount of money.

And she's good. I like her. No, I'm sure. I'm sure it's so important. Are you paying? Is she out of pocket cash? She's not in network. Thank you for asking.

But I still submit the forms. I submit the forms. I gotta submit the forms. Super bill, yeah. All the best ones are in cash, in person, F2F, IRL. So you went to Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous, Overeaters Anonymous, and Debtors Anonymous. Debtors Anonymous. Debtors Anonymous.

Who was the most fun? Well, I got to tell you, if you've ever been to Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous, I had a lot of hot times, late 90s. Freeway entrance ramp motels. And so I went there. SLA is kind of like a nightclub when all the lights have come up at the end of the night. Like, oh. And then that's what

you look like and um then debtors anonymous is like if tony robbins were four foot nine and he was he had just sucked in a lot of helium and was trying to tell you, you can get it. You can maybe go on a vacation to Tampa if you use a debit card. And then Overheaters Anonymous. Overheaters Anonymous is, that's kind of the grimmest one, I think. It's not a lot of, it's not a lot of fun. Because there's no snacks.

There's no snacks. But they are all, of course, free. And did you tell stories at these events? Oh, no, no, no, no. You go there, you share, you get your three minutes. It's like an open mic. But circle up. And yeah, it's free.

That's a great thing. And also the great thing about the cult of 12 Step is that they can't kick you out. That's one of the main rules of all these groups. So even if you go to a meeting with a full bottle of Jack Daniels, you're not an ice cream cake with a stolen porn DVD. All anybody will ever say to you is,

keep coming back. Because they're very dumb angels. And so great. I mean, they're problematic, pseudo-spiritual, paternalistic language, peer counseling, a terrible idea, but they are free. But there's something interesting though, like 12-step programs, people joining various cults that have some deep philosophy that you don't get to in the first week, right? Like the first week, it's a lot of self-help and it's a lot of useful advice. Yeah, and there's a lot of knowing laughter from the people who have been there a while. Like, no, just keep coming back. You'll just stick around a while.

You'll start to understand. Because, like, there's always a special, there's like a lingo. And I'm sure you have it amongst fans here. Like, they go, oh, you know this segment. Or, you know, like, there's a group dynamic that happens with anything where you start gathering regularly, where everyone goes, oh, Sam, you know, or whoever it is. Or, yeah, but it can feel irritating or terrible when you're a person who's first joining it. Like, why is everybody just kind of giggling?

And like, why don't, not a not a feeling of welcome i i yeah i know my husband went to a meeting with me and he was like these people need professional help yes yes they do and yet none is forthcoming and so here we are in this Zoom breakout room. But there's something I think also comforting, like in therapy and psychology, you hear people talk about this idea of like good enough. Like there's a lot of evidence that once the quality of therapy you're getting, whether it's behavioral therapy or psychotherapy or any even number the quality of therapy you're getting, whether it's behavioral therapy or psychotherapy or any even number of schools of therapy, like the most important thing is that it just has to be good enough to get you working on yourself in some way. And I find something like

reassuring about that, that all these different groups have all these different philosophies, but ultimately it's a group of people in a room telling each other what's wrong. Just trying to, and I totally believe in that. Lower the bar to accessing mental health care. The suicide hotline, 988, sometimes has a 45 to 90 minute wait. Call fucking anybody. I called Hertz Rent-A-Car. The lady picked up on the first ring. I told her what was going on.

I said, I'm of no more use in society. I'm taking up valuable resources. She said, all I can do is lease you a car. But before hanging up on me, she did say, you know what, sweetheart, I do believe every human life has value. You take care. How is that not nothing? But like, just ask anybody. We all have like some sort of availability to talk about stuff. Because I think there's this thing where it's like, oh, you got to go someplace special.

You got to go to a professional, which is not only impossible. You know, Kaiser Permanente, you could only see someone once, I think every two months, even when you have a traumatic thing to recover from. I mean, it's just awful out there. So I just think, you know, walk through a Del Taco drive-thru. See if somebody will hold space for your witness your experience. I don't know.

Like, yeah, it doesn't have to be that specialized. And especially Los Angeles is so awful about this. Like, you know you really need to go see this psychopharmacologist who only sees people on tuesdays at midnight on a helicopter pad and it's like yeah these impossible standards like just we got to help help each other yes try to find professional help uh but uh if it's not currently available, just turn to the person next to you. And I'm not kidding about that. One thing I've noticed, one thing that I can't tell if it's a social media thing or a Los Angeles thing,

is I often find myself in conversation with an acquaintance or someone I maybe don't know very well or maybe a friend, and their life is in absolute chaos. Yes. And they always are narrating like they just cracked the code. Like I figured out what my problem is. I figured it out. I've been eating dairy. I've just trained to be a peer specialist, which is a new thing you can get nationwide. It's a free training. You can get a scholarship if you have lived experience with mental health experiences or addiction. it's a well paying job it can be like $20 to $30 an hour here in Los Angeles and I just

train to be one I have to pass the test I haven't passed the test yet hey you got this alright thank you but yeah there are ways I think that can be a way to

I'm hoping to be more helpful. Because people are looking for help through social media. Like people will text me, like DM me through Instagram. And I'm like, oh my God, go to a hospital. Like, but, and I get it. The hospitals are crowded and maybe they're going to turn you away. And once you get inside of the hospital, which I have done myself, uh, that isn't necessarily a solution. You're not going to kill yourself, uh, or they're going to try to get you not to kill yourself. You can figure it out

if you want. Uh, come on and set your mind to it. Um, there's a tree, there's a tree in the courtyard. There's a tree! There's a tree in the courtyard! So you're talking about helping people. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I'm not the greatest. But, yeah. Hey, just, if there's an essay portion of the peer counselor test, try another.

Yeah, no, no, no, no. Well, that's the thing. I took the course and they're like, oh, yeah, you don't make jokes. And I was like, okay, okay. No jokes. No jokes. So I have loved your stand-up and your specials for such a long time. And it's been such a kind of hallmark of how you talk about yourself on stage

is you're narrating these challenges that you face. Like that special you did in front of your parents, which was amazing. So much of it was about your struggles with anxiety and your own insecurities. Are you writing this book in part because you've gotten to a place where you have some perspective on that? Or do you still feel like neck deep in it? Simon & Schuster offered me $150,000. Now, sadly, because I am not a great member of Debtors Anonymous, I did

not read the contract. And what that means is you get it dribbled out over a period of seven years, depending on how long it takes you to write the book, which is that is what it took me. So, yeah. But, yeah, I just wrote it because they said they would pay me to do it.

I love money. I love money. I also like the idea of writing a book, and then I didn't realize how hard it would be, you know, that it takes effort. I prefer inertia.

Sitting in one object at rest stays at rest is my preferred physical, yeah, place. But, yeah, that's why I wrote the book. Sorry, maybe we'll get at this question in a slightly different way. You okay? Yeah. Well, yeah, pretty much. But I also want to say that it's okay to not be okay. And I like to talk about these things just because if I wasn't okay and somebody noticed, let me know.

That's what we're all here for is to go hey hey you know how you said sometimes you talk a little too fast and have a lot of shit ideas you know it's like just tell me but but yeah i don't i don't i don't like uh i also have a compulsion to tell everybody everything um because uh because it's fun and it's a cash cow. I have no idea what that's like. Maria Bamford, thank you so much. Thank you so much for having me.

The book is Sure I'll Join Your Cult, which everybody should check out. When we come back, some gay commerce. That was great. Thank you. Maria Bamberg. And we're back. Please welcome to the stage the hilarious Ian Harvey.

Hi. How are you? Thanks for being here. Thank you for having me. Come on in. Are you a Scientologist? I am not. Great.

So, I just have that card in case someone one day says yes. So, you were in a 2016 Bud Light ad with Amy Schumer years before conservatives lost their shit over Dylan Levine. You are not just a very funny comedian. You're also a very funny trans comedian. And you were in this Bud Light ad before anyone, I guess, decided they were going to turn this into a national focus on one. She's going to go to it.

There you are. Thank you. Thank you. That's it. That's my whole thing. That's all. That's my whole thing. That's all. So to be fair, they had no clue that that guy that was receding hairline before two hair transplants and fucking head tattoos was trans.

So nobody knew. Nobody knew. So they were like, they didn't know who to hate in that commercial. They didn't know who to hate. Yeah commercial. They didn't know who to hate. Yeah. You got two hair transplants. Yeah. I got three.

They don't even know that. Yours are way better. Um, yours, but yeah, it's, so there's some, there's some trickery going on and you got the hair tattoo thing.

Yeah. I got SMP. What's that mean? What's that stand for? It's, it's scalp micropigmentation. So basically I have hair, but they filled in all the other areas with tattoo,

with little dot. That's so cool. So it's, I know. It's like you always have a buzz cut no matter what happens. Yeah, absolutely. Yep. Always. Neat.

Yep. I also went to school and learned how to do it. That's the other thing. Really? I was so obsessed with the art form, I actually got certified in how to do it because I'm so obsessed. Yeah, this is like one of those things where, I was talking about this with Maria Banford,

where my therapist was like, what if you just cared about this less? And I said, okay, or, what if I don't have to care about it at all? Well, it's a very, you know, it's funny. It's like, I think that it's actually, I think that any, all guys probably feel this way. It's a very transy thing, I think, to be concerned.

It's like not just about gender, but it's about like everybody in the world is trans. This is just like, watch my TED Talk. Everybody's trans and everybody like is concerned with all of these things like about that like you know once once i transitioned and i actually got my chest surgery and started taking hormones i started to lose my hair and then that was the thing i couldn't fucking stop thinking about until i had hair transplants and then that didn't fully work it It works some. And then I got a hair tattoo and I was like,

that fucking worked. Now I don't have that fucking static in my head anymore. And it was very, very, it was so much like my, my trans experience. Like I couldn't wait to get rid of my chest. And once I get rid of my chest,

I could shut the fuck up in my head about it. So anyway, and it's like, it's just feels like a very, you know, the other thing is like, I think my butt crack is too high that's a super weird thing i don't know i it's like that's my new obsession if i if i get a glimpse of my ass in a mirror which i will i i think my butt crack

is too high i don't know what they can do about it i don't know if there's it's a different doctor than the hair doctor yeah for sure maybe they can do about it. I don't know if there's... It's a different doctor than the hair doctor. Yeah, for sure. Or maybe they could deal with it on the same day. Yeah. Just working on different areas. Yeah, like an endoscopy and a... Yeah. Like to both, yeah. I feel like saying my butt crack

is too high is like a mind virus that's gonna pass on to people listening who've never for once thought about the height of their butt crack and now they're just going to be in doing this like a dog with a little poop stuck in their butt it's going to be with their phone

in the mirror should have thought to use the phone but it's interesting you gave this talk that everyone is trans and it is sometimes, I think, hard to understand. It's hard for me sometimes to understand the distinction between body dysmorphia and gender dysmorphia. Those things kind of can run together.

I see Ben Shapiro. It's all related. It's all related. But people think like, you know, I think about women who get breast augmentations and it is like they want to make themselves more feminine. You can almost draw a line to every way that someone wants to alter themselves. You can draw a line back to their gender. And it's like not being enough or too much of something. So it's almost everything is a direct line back to it. It's like, we're all sick with this, you know, these thoughts around. And I just, I don't know.

I just think that it's all fucking related. Every hair, you know, butt cracks, whatever. Well, I do think that that's why I think conservatives got to this first and they're not wrong that what is happening is really important that like there is something very important and big happening and that what is happening with gender expression and gender identity is a vanguard for what is happening with a broader evaluation of the roles men and women have in our society and that that the expectations men put on themselves in that prison and the expectation

women put on themselves. You'll see Ben Shapiro doing a video about the sort of immutability of biological sex and gender. And then you realize he grew a beard. Why? That's a masculinization. He wanted to see more masculine. And I think about it for myself all the time because I have a lot of, I really struggle with like, I put all my insecurities into my appearance. All of them, all of them. Don't. And I sometimes think about like the shape I want to be in, right?

What is the shape I'm so eager to achieve for myself? What is it? And it's not just that I want to be thinner, right? It is the shape I'm so eager to achieve for myself? What is it? And it's not just that I want to be thinner, right? It's that I want to have a certain shape and it's maybe more feminine than the masculine version that if I work out hard and diet, I naturally get towards, right? And it's this incredibly difficult, I sometimes feel, I struggle with it because in the end, everything I'm seeing is telling me not to be happy with the way that I look from what I see in the mirror, plus from everything that culture is telling me. And yet, I think because we take in these images of what it means to succeed on this journey of

fitness or succeed on this journey of dieting or just succeed on this journey of how you present yourself that uh you can't win and the only way to win is not to play that's all i'm not or yeah yeah or play with absolutely every bit of it i I don't know. I mean, there's that side of it too. Like, you know, I'm a huge fan of Alok. Everybody, if Alok had a church, I would go. If what? Do you know Alok Manan from Instagram? Yes, I do know.

I would, did I say their name right? Does anybody know? Okay. I was one of, I was, I've never said it out loud. I've only, you know, worshipped on Instagram. But they are constantly talking about like how, you know, there are as many ways to be a man or a woman or non-binary as there are stars in the sky. And it's like, I think that you can just do all of it. Well, I think that's right.

I think it's more like, when I say not play, I mean, not accept. The way I've talked about this for in this show is that during the pandemic, it felt like a snow had fallen on all the sidewalks and then you could make your own little path, right? You didn't have to follow the path that had been there. And one of the things I wanted to do when the pandemic ended was just like wear skirts on stage, just because I wanted to experiment with that feeling. I just like wear skirts on stage just because I wanted to experiment with that feeling not that I don't know if you have I did you yes yes and I've been doing it I did but what's it's been this where's this I'm feeling like a peer counselor right now you know what happens I go to Taylor Swift I get two hours of sleep and then it's all coming out the uh i you

know what i have never i i've been saying this to my my partner sarah i have i don't to my knowledge know if i have ever heard a taylor swift song what do you walk around with your fingers in your ears i i just i i i could i couldn't tell you if i've heard it i didn't know who it was but i've never anyway that's cool What a different media experience you're having. Your algorithm is so different. But what I realized when I started trying to wear the skirts is, first of all, one thing that happened is tons of specifically older gay men were like, stop doing that. They're like, please don't do that. Why are you doing that? Why do that? I don't even understand it. Why do it?

But the second I put on more feminine clothing, all of a sudden I found myself looking in the mirror and I didn't even realize this, but I'd also, it turns out, internalized a ton of body dysmorphia that women have when they look in the mirror because I've been absorbing the same content that entire time. And I was like, oh my God, I thought this was a good idea. I've

just discovered a whole new bunch of ways to hate myself. Oh yeah. Yeah. I'll tell you, you know, when I, after I transitioned, I, it was the first time that I ever thought I could, you know, before I transitioned, like everything I wore felt like drag, um, in some, some way, because I was always clocked with this. I had an enormous chest and, um, and so I was always clocked as female. And, um, after I transitioned, it was like the first time that I ever would consider and would love to do drag. And it was something that I was like, now that I am seeing how I wish to be seen, I would totally do drag or even wear skirts or, you know, I just, it's something now that like, now that I am who I always thought I was visually, I would do anything. And I, that's

something that like that kind of freedom in my head, I don't necessarily do that, just, you know, but it's something that I am free to think about that I absolutely force myself to, I was tortured by before. I actually have a freedom now that I would totally wear, you know, anything. That's cool.

Yeah. You know, we started with this ad about this Budweiser ad and I was thinking about you know Dylan Mulvaney and you know it's all rooted in misogyny it's like transphobia and misogyny

and I was thinking about like actually how we could use these, this kind of thing to maybe change culture, like gun culture. And maybe, um, like if I was just thinking, I was talking with a friend of mine,

Jay McBride, anybody know Jay McBride? Really awesome comic trans comic. She and I were talking about this and we were talking about how like maybe we could change gun culture by doing like AR-15 ads ourselves. And get, you know, get like Kid Rock to like, you know, melt his guns, you know, or whatever. Tell the people what they wouldn't let me do.

That was our do for a pride video this year. And nobody would let us do it next year. Next year with you next year. Our whole idea was going to be, we're going to arm a bunch of trans people, but then people thought, Oh, that seems scary.

Like what if other people show up? No, we just, you know, if like you want to change something, like, you know, give us like MAGA hats and let's see what happens,

you know, like let us, you know, and that maybe all these people will fall off that fucking wagon or, you know, melt their guns or turn them in or whatever. Like get trans people loving it. And then they hate us so much they'll give it up. I don't know. Hey, listen, theme of the night.

No bad ideas in a brainstorm. Yeah. Now for a segment we're calling Gay in 60 Seconds. Now for a segment we're calling Gay in 60 Seconds So we have a bunch of History's LGBT Commercials in honor of I don't know

Not pride anymore Just because in honor of We gotta do a show every week In honor of 477 Is that 477? No We've done a ton of shows. God, I just made up a number.

Oh, okay. How many shows have we done? I thought it was 310. 310. In honor of 310. In honor of 310 perfect episodes. In 1981, Absolute Vodka became one of the first mainstream brands to advertise in queer publications like The Advocate and After Dark.

And in 1986, they came out with an ad featuring the artwork of Keith Haring, a legendary artist and famous gay lord what do you think everybody's a critic you wouldn't know if it was gay unless somebody told you yeah i mean you know i'm always like kind of like a little like well well, how do we know? Outside of the queer circle, like cult, whatever, how does anybody know that that's gay? I mean, for me, it needs to be loud enough that straight people know that it's queer too.

Well, I think that that's right. And so let's next go to Ikea's dining room table commercial from 1994. I know this one. Well, you know, we went to Ikea because we thought it was time for a serious dining room table. We have slightly different tastes. I mean, Steve's more into country. It frightens me, but at the same time, I have compassion. We've been together about three years.

I met Steve at my sister's wedding. I was really impressed with how just well how well designed the Ikea furniture was. He's really into craftsmanship. His chairs are really sturdy. This table concluded a leaf. A leaf means staying together, commitment. We've got another leaf waiting when we really start getting along. So 90s.

So perfect. You can tell they're a gay couple because one of them pats each other on the back. A nice pat on the back in the gay way. In the gay style. It's so obvious. Yeah. Yeah, from that.

I also like it has that kind of, like, one of the members of the Is It A Couple or Not has some sort of, like, a sports shirt on under a blazer, you know, because he's, like, he's not one of those blazer, you know, because he's like, he's not one of those fags, you know. He's played sports. Don't worry about it. You know, I was so hoping that they were going to reveal that the other guy's name was Adam. So it was going to be like Adam and Steve.

I was so hoping. He's sitting right there. Anyway. And Ikea left it on the table like a meatball. But I do love theball I do love the like it's also slightly lesbian cause like they kind of like it's you know

they're in Ikea and that one finishes the other sentence and I was like oh this is so les too so yeah yeah same outfit you know they have matching windbreakers too that's it's a very i also like just it's um it's so straight it's just like they're gay so they should just kind of like you know they should they should do gay stuff like interrupting each

other you know talking fast next up we have subaru's it loves camping print ad it loves it loves campings, and long-term commitment. Too bad it's only a car. And that was it. The lesbian said, there will be no others. There can only be one. It's just wild. This is not, I mean, like, I mean, it's like a,

it's a dog whistle or whatever thing. Only lesbians could understand this ad really. All right. Next up we have Levi's change commercial from 2007. This is when they innovated that they should be hot. The pants won't go on. Well, I remember this ad. For those listening at home, if you put your pants on hard enough you get to fuck this guy

oh their hands almost touch their hands almost touch or maybe they're friends maybe they're old friends you know like i yeah i mean oh they just look like they they they're old friends. Yeah, I mean, they just look like they're going to go just like, they're like stroke buddies. That's what they look like to me. They look like they're just going to, that they're like, what's that new, is it a new term? It's like you're a side, and they're just going to go stroke. That's what it is.

There's an old. Is that new? I don't know if that's new. I don't know. I don't know what happens over there. With the terms. But there's an old Jewish joke about two old men sitting at a deli counter having soup.

And one old man says to the other old man, hey, you getting any on the side? And the other old man says, they moved it i love that one they moved it i have a sim i have a similar like take-home joke which uh my friend felon loves to tell um it's a couple of old guys standing in a he called my friend fell in loves to tell. Um, it's a couple of old guys standing in a, he called, my friend calls it a rest home.

Um, and they like nursing home and they're chatting outside their, their bedroom doors. And this woman comes down who has dementia and she has a, a house coat on and she's fully naked underneath and she opens up her house coat and she says, super pussy. And one guy looks at the other like, what the fuck you know

she moseys down the hall sees another couple guys opens and flashes to them and says super pussy and one guy looks at the other and says i don't know about you but i'm going with the soup hell yeah that's nice but now now but see if you said, if you said it like an old Jew, I'm going with the soup. Yeah. I might have had, did I have a little bit of a Maine accent in there? I'm from Maine, and I just got back from there. When I come back from there, I always have a really heavy Maine accent.

I love the Maine accent. You can operate a lighthouse with that thing. Yeah. Let's do one more ad. Amazon's Husband's TV commercial from 2013. That's a Kindle, right? Yeah, it's a new Kindle Paperwhite. I love to read at the beach, but...

This is perfect at the beach. And with the built-in light, I can read anywhere, anytime. Done. With your book? Nope. I just bought a Kindle Paperwhite. We should sell it, right?

My husband's bringing me a drink right now. So is mine. Yuck. Fuck that ad. That ad sucks. No one in that ad is gay. They don't, I don't, is gay. I think they all... I don't even...

I think they didn't know they were going to do the ad in English until earlier. It feels like AI made it. That was made by straight AI. That is AI. I like the guy's acting job with the Kindle really struggling to see. That part was my favorite. How did you do that? How much does the tattoo thing hurt?

It didn't hurt at all. What? Not at all. You know, tattoos, they take the needle and they drag it through your skin. This actually is just a little doop, doop, doop, doop. And it's the lightest little sensation. You don't feel it at all. That's cool. How long does it take? Um, I'll tell you that I'm kind of like your perfection

thing. Like I had four sessions. Um, and the first time they go through, they do two to three hours and you can take, take a nap, watch TV, whatever. But they just lightly go through it. And the second time you go in, they do density and make it sort of look thicker and thicker. And the third time, it's like they trickle it down the sides a little bit so you don't look like you're wearing a helmet. Oh, nice. When I do the hair transplant, they give you a Valium. And you just pass out when you wake up. You got a bloody head of hair.

Yeah. Oh, yeah. Did you do the line in the back? One at a time from the back. Same. You'd never know. Same. You'd never know. You'd never know.

Same. Can I ask where you went? Yes, but, you know, I'm not going to give a... I'll tell you after. Okay. Thank you, Ian. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Go to ianharvey.com to see his latest dates. We come back. We go to Amsterdam. And we're back. Our next guest hosts a podcast called I Said No Gifts, and in his honor, we've gotten him this, nothing. Put your hands together for the wonderful Bridger Weininger. Hi.

Hi, Bridger. It's so good to see you. Thanks for being here. God bless. God bless. I'm a little sleepy. My Diet Coke is... I had three at In-N-Out. Three at In-N-Out? I'm exhausted. I'm so tired.

From concerts and living life? in and out. Three at in and out? I'm exhausted. I'm so tired. From concerts and living life? No, I woke up within an hour this morning. I was paying a plumber $2,000. Wow, that must have been some shit. I woke up and it was a disaster. What happened? I don't want to talk about it. It's a mess. You brought it up. None of us

knew you had a plumbing issue. The reason I don't want to talk about it is it's actually not sewage. It was water pressure. It was a water pressure situation. You weren't getting the pressure you needed? It was like a sponge. It was like squeezing a sponge out of the shower. That's no way to live. Well, that's why the plumber came. But

boy, that'll cost you. Well, I suppose, yeah. What's up? Yeah. John, I've been down here for 30 seconds, and you haven't said a word about my haircut. Hey, Bridger, is this a new haircut? Because it looks incredible.

I got a haircut this morning. Thank you for noticing. Thank you. Wow. I found a reasonable place to get a haircut. It was $35. $35? $35. So $35 is an interesting price for a haircut. That's actually also the price of my haircut, and I'm going to check

with you later to see if it was the same guy. Yeah, we should find out. Peter or Jeff? No, Drew. Okay. Drew. If you get a gift at a party, are you supposed to open it right there in front of everyone or wait? Open it. Really?

I mean, it feels horrible. It's the worst feeling in the world to open a gift in front of other people. But then to... I feel like a pervert. I'm like, I'm going to... I'll keep this for later. Right?

Yeah, like you're going to save it in your little... You're going to look at it later alone. Yeah, I'm going to wait until it gets dark and I'm alone. Alone with a gift. Yeah, you freak. No, you have to open it. You just going to save it. You're going to look at it and wait alone. Yeah, I'm going to wait until it gets dark and I'm alone. Alone with a gift. Yeah, you freak. No, you have to open it.

You just have to open it. You have to. What's a great gift that you receive? What's like the best gift you've received? I've told this on so many podcasts. No one cares, but it's a car garbage can. I get so much useless garbage on this podcast, but this has changed my life.

A car garbage can? Yeah. You want to know something? I, as the people who listen to this know, I used to have a vehicle that was called a Tesla. And it rattled like it was assembled on a dare.

And the person who makes them is famously terrible. Incredible guy. Incredible guy. I'm famously terribly handsome and charming. Sweetheart. And I hope his MRI comes out okay so that he can fight Mark Zuckerberg. The most amazing fucking teenager shit,

like I would fight you, but i gotta go to get an mri first okay that is a very teenage 50 year old yeah the excuse is a real serious medical problem i can't fight my shoulder okay uh but i i got a volvo instead right and the volvo it's like these people thought of everything over there at the Volvo. There's a garbage can built in. I know. Built in? I know.

And I was like, Elon couldn't fucking dream. It's like Elon had never been in a car before. And these people had been in a car before. But back up just slightly. Built in, that feels like the garbage is going to be in there permanently. And that's what you'd think. This is what's amazing. There's a garbage can right here.

For those listening at home, my right arm is going down where the shifter is. It's a garbage can. It's a great pantomime work. A garbage can right there. Thank you. This is where it is. There's a flap.

Okay. And you can stick garbage in there. It's gone. This already sounds so wet to me. No. No, no. I see why you'd think that. Dry as a bone. Okay. But here's the crazy thing. You open up the, what do you call it?

The compartment. Compartment. Whole little can comes right out in your hand. It slides in and out of a perfect spot. Oh, I love this. And then you bring it inside and you empty out all the little parking receipts and straws receipts.

So basically, you paid $70,000 to tell me that my gift isn't that great. Well, it is if your car isn't a Volvo with a garbage can built in. Well, you gave me

an interesting gift that I almost wore tonight. Wait, it was a T-shirt. It's a T-shirt that says, I don't do cardio because these colors don't run. Hell yeah. We're taking patriotism back.

You know how Tom Cruise gives everyone the same white chocolate coconut cake from Doan's Bakery every year? I've had it on the podcast. Someone gave it to me as a gift. And how was it? Delicious.

And I don't even like white chocolate. What gift should be my go-to? An edible thing, because I keep all of them. So if it's an edible thing, at least it's not cluttering my house. Yeah, I want to have a food item. Bring me a cookie. Or what about a jar of tomato sauce? Don't bring me that.

Have you ever bought something as a gift for someone else and then just kept it? That's a good question. no i haven't i don't because uh i don't really buy people gifts only my nieces so it would have to be something like it would have to be the like something a seven-year-old would like a seven-year-old girl would like that I also like, what would that item end up being? Well, we'll think about it. Everybody loves like a little horse toy. One of those big horse toys. I would keep a horse toy

if I bought that for my niece and I'd be like, this could go on the shelf. I was picturing one of those big Willy Wonka style lollipops. Nobody, absolutely no one likes a lollipop. Yeah, they suck.

There is, I have never, okay, I'm kicking you off of your own podcast. I've never, have you ever finished one of those? It's the least appealing candy in the world. No, halfway through it, you're disgusting. It's disgusting. You know what else is gross? Quiche.

I love quiche, but I've also had to get off of a subway to throw it up in a garbage can because I was poisoned by the quiche. You were poisoned by the quiche? Poisoned by the quiche. So I can go either way with quiche. Now, you've been an expert on receiving, but how are you at giving? On a totally unrelated note, time to play a game we're calling Fresen Company Included. Here's how it works. We have two wheels, one of celebrity names and one of special events. We will spin them both, and together we must pick an appropriate gift to give said celebrity for said event.

There are so many to choose from. Let's spin both wheels and see what it lands on. choose from. Let's spin both wheels and see what it lands on. And just for people listening at home, Malcolm is just in a browser window. It's Cardi B. Jesus. The gift, again, these are random.

These are random. We have to give Cardi B a gift for five years of sobriety. Car garbage can. Car garbage can. Fantastic garbage can. Fantastic. Fantastic. It's a good gift for any event.

Let's spin it again. It has landed on... It has landed on Lea Michele, and it's because she is hosting this week's Celebrity Fight Club, which you were invited to by accident. Okay, so she's hosting. We love a gift suite at a hosting event. So we're, you know,

we don't know what, we're not supposed to go but we feel like we want to go. We have to bring something for the host to have this lovely fight night. Right, right. A lot of, you know, a lot of big name people are there. And who knows what sort of spread she has set up. She might not have done that much grocery shopping.

Yeah. I mean, I think you bring like a vegetable tray. Oh, I love that. A crudite, if you will. Okay, classy, classy. I go back to Albertsons, I get the vegetable tray. And we're set. Healthy. Healthy. People are watching, you know, like tryingons, I get the vegetable tray. And we're set. Healthy.

People are watching, you know, like trying to stay fit at the Fight Club. Yeah, these celebs are saying, hey, this is perfect. I can eat this. This is, what was Ellen's show? The thing where, no, that was Game of Games or something? Oh, the Game of Games, where she would torture people. Was that a Fight Club situation? I think it was, I think it was, I think it was, yes.

Up to the point of bruising., up to the point of bruising. Oh, to the point of bruising. That was the rules. It's like, we're going to, it's a lot of pinching. I would be fine with a fight.

I would excel at a fight club that's only pinching. I, I have played so many video games that I have this insane idea in my mind that if it were to come to come to some sort of fight club situation, that I could gamble up the side of a wall

and come down from a chandelier, that I would play with, that I have a lot of points into dexterity. Right, kind of an Assassin's Creed style. Yes, that I would be- Leaping from tower to tower. Yes, and that I would stay out of the field of vision. Remain a ghost.

Jump into a bale of hay. And jump down. Right. From very high up with a sleeping dart. I feel like you probably at least have that built into your brain at this point. Physically, you would probably fall immediately. Right. Because my mind has done it so many times.

I've done so many silent kills, but my body never has. It's in the muscle memory of the brain, which is simply your memory. It's simply your memory. It's simply your memory. So you're almost ready to go. Almost ready. Why are we talking about you escaping from an event? Why not? That's a good you never know

honestly if you're at liam michelle's fight club you may need to go in a hurry i'm ready to go all of a sudden it's like hey i'm sorry to tell you this you have to either be beaten to beaten to a pulp or beat the shit out of jane. I don't want that fucking choice. Get me out of here. I don't stand a chance. Beat me up, Jane Lynch. That's something I say. Beat me up, Jane. Now we're just role playing. Let's spin it again.

It is... Oh. Oh. It's like Greta Thunberg. Let's spin the... Let's give her something else. Let's give her another event. Retirement party.

A young retirement. Perhaps some... She's done enough. She could retire already. Or perhaps in the future, we give her some kind of a life preserver or some way to stay afloat. She's going...

I mean... But you might want one for yourself. Yeah, well, you know. You're going to give that away? As they say on the airplanes, make sure you secure your own life vest before securing Greta Thunberg's. I'm going to say, Greta, you saw this coming. Why don't you already have one?

Yeah. I barely read the news and I've got one. Yeah. As a rule, I wait to see when Greta Thunberg puts on a life vest before I put on a life vest. Of course. When she's got one on, now it's time for us to put one on. Let's do one more.

Okay, we're going to give her the life vest. We're going to give her a gift, you're right. I think a life vest is nice. Why not? I've given them away before. Really? That's a cute thing to give away. It is.

They've got the piping. You get one in the flashy colors. Oh, like for jet skiing? Jet skiing, of course. Or water skiing. Have you ever been water skiing? I love water skiing. Do you?

Why don't I have a single friend with a boat? All of my friends have friends who have things. None of my friends have anything. How do I get out on a boat? Does anyone here have a boat

that they'll take me water skiing on? No one ever admits to having a boat. I'm asking the podcast audience. Anyone who has a boat, I will go on it. You know what you look like to me? I'll tell you. The kind of person that can water ski on one ski. Oh, I love that confidence.

I think so. I feel like you could do it. Take me out on the boat and I'll try. You've never done it? I've never been on one ski. Slalom. Slalom you could do it. Take me out on the boat and I'll try. You've never done it? I've never been on one ski. Slalom. Slalom, they call it. No.

Have you done it? I have. Oh, my God. I have. It took 14 tries. And my friend has a story about, wow, this guy's got no dignity, but he won't give up. And that's what it was. Just on my face, on my face,

on my face. But once you were up, what a feeling. I was like, we did it. Time for burgers. But was it that feeling of like, oh, I can't be too proud of this right now. Everyone's looking at me and I feel like an asshole. Yes.

Okay. I would get up and I would feel good for a minute and then I would let go just because I would be embarrassed at that point. I just kept going. This is never happening again. I don't even know how I'm up here. It's sheer luck. Let's spin it one more time.

Alec Baldwin's Bat mitzvah. So is it a late in life? Or are we imagining him as a boy becoming a man? Or a girl becoming a woman? I think we have to assume that this is current Alec Baldwin, who has discovered that they are trans and Jewish and has decided to have a late-in-life bat mitzvah. I mean, it's an enormous event for Alec.

It's massive. And, of course, for Hilaria. Hilaria. We love these two. We love them. They can do no wrong. No. They can do no wrong.

We're at Alec's bat Mitzvah. What is the theme? Not Western. Let's just be... And the thing is it just simply can't be Western. And though he wants it to be Western, how he loves the world

of the West, but he can't do it. It can't be outside of Chipotle. Nope. He's gonna punch somebody. Nothing about farm animals. He's got a lot of off areas for fun. Nothing about yoga just to be safe. Nothing about anything related to anything that could

involve the Spanish language. I feel like space is a safe thing for Alec. Yeah, it's space themed. Space themed. Yeah, how much can he fuck that up? I feel like space is a safe thing for Alec. Yeah, it's space themed. Space themed. Yeah, how much can he fuck that up? I feel like he could. I feel like he could and he would. But I feel like if it's space themed,

we have to track this. He's, what, 65? 65-year-old man going to space. What about astronaut ice cream? Everybody loves, well, everybody loves to get it. Everyone loves to think about it and have it around.

No one, you take a single bite of it, you say, yuck. But, it's so fun to get. If somebody gave me astronaut ice cream right now,

I'd be like, that rules. I haven't been thinking about it. Now I am, and it makes me happy to think about it. Why couldn't they, astronauts want dessert, just take M&M, that rules. I haven't been thinking about it. Now I am, and it makes me happy to think about it. Why couldn't they? Astronauts want dessert. Just take M&Ms

or something. It doesn't make any sense. You made this so much worse. Don't bring it. Bring something you didn't have to make so much worse. We have so many. We have a lot of dry treats. And things that don't need to be frozen that are wonderful. Absolutely. But

Alec. 100 grand bar. Those are horrible. They're in your teeth. Forget it. It's not going to space with Alec Baldwin. Cross 100 grand bars off the list. That's not going to space with Alec. Take five.

That's a delicious candy bar. These were all take five notes. Are you a Scientologist? Am I five notes. Are you a Scientologist? Am I a psychologist? Are you a Scientologist? Yes. You are? I am.

Ah, we're just out of time. I want to get into it. Wait, you're actually asking me if I'm a Scientologist. Why are you asking me if I'm a Scientologist? I'm not a Scientologist. It took you a long time to get through it. I've been to the center. I took the test.

I had to lie my way out of it. I lied my way in and then out. For your next visit, I want been to the center. I took the test. I had to lie my way out of it. I lied my way in and then out. For your next visit, I want to hear about it. My next visit here or to the center? Either way. Bridger Weininger, everybody. Go listen to his podcast, I Said No Gifts.

When we come back, the rant wheel. Don't go anywhere. This is Love It or Leave It, and there's more on the way. And we're back! Bad news is the right-wing media machine is larger, louder, and loonier than ever. But the good news is you can help Crooked build the progressive counterweight we need to improve conversations about politics by subscribing to Friends of the Pod. At the Best Friends tier, you can also easily support vote save america's progressive grassroots

organizing efforts as we head into 2024 with a 10 monthly donation going directly to vote save america head to crooked.com slash friends to join today all right now it's time for the rant wheel please welcome lacey marie, and Ian back to the stage. Ian. Here comes Maria from downtown. Thank you. Come on in. Nice.

Come on out, Lacey. She gets the folding chair. You get the folding chair. Come on out, Lazy. She gets the folding chair. Ian, go on the stool. Oh, no, sit next to Bridget. Ian, go on the stool. No, no, no. I think we can all fit.

Everybody can fit. No, we can all fit. Come on around. No, you, come on, girl. You tiny. Come over here. Yeah. Squash.

Squishies. Come over here. We'll be close. We can all be here. I like it. Yeah. Squash. Come over here. We'll be close. This is nice. Yeah, we can all be here. I like it. Nice. This week on The Wheel, we have my friend who hasn't responded to my text

since last Thursday, biopics about companies, the secrecy of 12 stuff groups, the lack of soft serve on the West Coast, the price of good pillows, being a giver, the gerontocracy, and Regal Cinema's intro.

Let's spin it. The lack of soft serve on the West Coast, which I believe was a suggestion by Ian. Yeah, I think it's utter fucking bullshit that there is not I mean look

I'm not gonna fucking drive to Tarzana or Silver Lake to go to Magpies amen I mean I want some legit

why does it stop in basically like Iowa? It goes like all around the East Coast, but it like stops somewhere in Iowa. And then nobody out here gets fucking soft serve. I have this fucking bullshit. Yeah. Yeah. I'm just ripped about it. I'm ripped.

I want a twist. I don't want the little food, the little truck that drives around. It's too icy or it's too whippy i'm i'm a connoisseur this is like i know good soft serve it can't be too granular it can't like we need something out here we you know what there was a dairy queen at the mall they got rid of it crunch coat does anybody know crunch? You know what crunch coat is? Anybody? Yeah. Because you're out here. That's why. Because you're in California and you don't.

Crunch coat is like a peanut brittle and peanut and like sprinkles combination that they roll your cone in after they do your little swirl. And anyway, it's delicious. And you can only get it from fucking Amazon if you live in the West Coast anyway I'm so sick of this bullshit and discrimination against West Coasters and not giving us

soft serve accessibility I support that and can I ask you one follow up what happened to McDonald's because didn't they have soft serve? They had soft serve. What happened? Just vanilla, and it's about two bucks, but there's no crutches.

I need Ian to tell me your experience at McDonald's. What happened? I'll do it in a pinch, but it's not what I'm talking about. Okay. Because with McDonald's, McDonald's food is not the food that you would, if you're getting something at McDonald's, like when you get a burger at McDonald's, you're not going out for a burger, you're getting McDonald's. When you get ice cream at McDonald's, you're not

going out for ice cream, you're getting McDonald's. McDonald's is its own thing. In the same way that you're not going for tacos when you go to Taco Bell, you're going to Taco Bell. If you're going to tacos, you go to a place that has tacos. Taco Bell doesn't have tacos. Taco Bell has Taco Bell. If you're going to tacos, you go to a place that has tacos. Taco Bell doesn't have tacos. Taco Bell has Taco Bell.

Yup. Amen. Let's spin it again. It has landed on my friend who hasn't responded to my text since last Thursday. Bridger, I believe this comes from you. It's Thursday.

It's currently Thursday. Last Thursday, I sent a text, and I did look at my phone before this, just to confirm. It was 5.03 p.m. No. I texted a dear friend. A dear friend We've been close for years

Didn't get a response For, you know, went to bed There was no response Next day, absolutely no response So now I'm starting to The concern begins to creep in Saturday, no response Are they dead? Did you make sure they weren't dead?

I know they weren't dead for other reasons Okay We won't get into it Did you make sure they weren't dead? I know they weren't dead for other reasons. Okay. We won't get into, but I confirmed they weren't dead. Sunday, I give them a phone call. Did not answer the call. Now I'm doing even more research into the subject, looking for any signs.

Nothing. But I'm, at this point, I've entered the cycle. The cycle that will last until she dies or I die, which is I wake up worried. Around noon, I detach. I feel okay until about three, four o'clock.

Then I've reached the peak of my caffeine, and I'm furious, and I hate her. This lasts until about 7 o'clock. I eat dinner and the chemicals in my body settle. And I'm sad. Sad until about 11

and then I panic myself to sleep. And look, she hasn't texted back. She didn't answer the call. Did she cut me off completely? Maybe. Which would be horrible because she didn't even give me the chance to do something unforgivable. I should have at least gone to do something completely horrible to her.

And now I'm just waiting. I'm floating in a void, waiting for this person to... What am I... Hopefully she's a listener of the pod. That's kind of my only hope at this point. I'm throwing out any type of communication I possibly can other than texting her again. I can't text again.

I'll text her. And I'm not... Maria Bamford will text her. I can't text her again. I feel so weak and sad. Why don't you just give your phone to Maria Bamford and say, hey, this is Maria Bamford. Just something to think about.

Why haven't you responded? And then you'll know, because he did something unforgivable. The one thing I'll say, the text did just say, how are you? Which is an unanswerable text. No one wants that text.

My father begins a lot of conversations with hey, what's the good word? A question that can't be answered. It has no answer. What are you supposed to say? Hey, what's the good word? I'm like, good, nothing. I don't have anything. He's done it since I was a little

kid. 40 years of hey, what's the good word? What? What do you mean? You don't years of hey what's the good word what what do you mean you don't know you be talking about the bad word on your podcast yeah we talk about all we do just say hello well I hope you and your friend reconnect and that this isn't the end this podcast is our last hope yeah

give us a first initial I'm not giving any initials okay let's let's spin again he refuses he simply refuses I'm not giving any initials. Okay, let's spin again. I refuse. He refuses. He simply refuses. It has landed on being a giver, Lacey.

Okay, so I've talked to Ian and Bridget, and then Rhea went out, so I didn't get to trauma dump about this on her. I recently had a discovery through therapy and through my life that there's givers and there's takers in the world. And there's nothing wrong with either. But givers

they kind of form this resentment with takers because the takers ain't never gonna stop taking like when you like oh I done gave you so much they gonna be like some more like there's no end and I had to realize that when I am in situations which I have been most of my life where i say yes when i don't want to say yes i'm saying no to myself yeah yeah yeah yeah hilarious hilarious hilarious funny as fuck

funny thank you funny as fuck funny as fuck and then I went through three years of therapy that were paid for mostly by a studio

I cannot talk about that and I thought it wasn't working. And I had this breakthrough with my therapist, who is a lovely black woman named Michelle, who has gray hair. She's also a counselor like me,

and she's from Texas, and we fuck with each other. And she did once tell me that I'm her favorite client, and she was like, I don't normally, I can't say that, but I was like, oh yes, bro, I've't say that. But I was like, oh, yes, girl. I've been telling you the jokes. Listen. The dream.

That's the dream. When Justin Williams, when Justin Williams did that show on Broadway where he had his penis out, I ended one of our therapy sessions. I was like, look at Justin Williams' penis, girl. Oh, my God. I really want him to like me so I've had a recent incident where like I had finally established boundaries I have given so much of my money away to friends and family because I wanted to help and I offered my help and I realized I was doing it

because I was like I need some kind of control and everyone is treading on me and I don't have good boundaries and they are just stepping all over me and then I had a situation just happen that's currently still happening where a relative is trying to like move from New York and live with me a relative that I've given over $10,000 they're bad with money and they I know it's not gonna stop and I spiraled for five days because they're my family and I want to help and I have helped and it broke down all the work that I did in the past three years. And I was like, now, hold on, wait a minute. God and universe.

Stop. Hold on. Pause, bitch. I finally got my shit together. I finally worked through this through therapy. I finally am saying no. And now you're going to present me with a huge-ass challenge immediately? I can't have a break. I can't have a three-month repeat, bitch.

Like, I can't take a sabbatical from being challenged by life. No? Okay, ho. All right. So I call everybody I know, and I'm calling all these motherfuckers. I'm talking to people. Sarah Marshall, who she does You're Wrong About. I don't even know that white lady that well.

But I love her and she's brilliant. And I was like, you know, bitch, you a genius. Can you help me out with my life? I don't even know. Just like what you were saying earlier where you said you was talking to Hertz Riddlecar. I was talking to motherfucking Hertz Riddlecar. I was like, bitch,

anybody. Spirit Airlines, y'all deal with angry people all the time. Y'all deal with people going through bad shit all the time. So Spirit Airlines, can y'all help me? Can y'all tell me it's okay to say no? But it was so fucking hard for me because what I was worried about and when I really challenged myself to get to the fear, because anger is not a real emotion. Like, it's a mask for, like, what you're feeling.

Like, you have to figure out what the real emotion is. And the real emotion was, I was like, I don't know if on the other side of me saying no, when my whole life I've said yes to you motherfuckers that you'll still love me and if you actually love me you will still be there because I've always been there for you and so so you have a new roommate? No! No, I'm looking for a place to live. And I've got $10,000. You don't need a roommate. You made the right decision.

It's a hard decision to make, but you've got to protect yourself. Sorry, I told you guys it was going to be an unhinged night. This is the most unhinged comedy show I've done. I'm sorry protect yourself. Sorry, I told you guys I was gonna be unhinged tonight. This is the most unhinged comedy show I've done. I'm sorry, John. Sorry, Malcolm. You said, I think this is gonna be

tough, but go off. I did ten unexpected minutes on my own body dysmorphia. This show can be whatever you want it to be. Let's spin it again. The secrecy of 12-step groups. We all know you're in a 12-step group. Okay? We all know.

Are you saying stuff that you haven't said before? Like... Is this my 12-step group? Like, if you say, you know what, for me, I know you're an Al-Anon. I know you're an Al-Anon. If you want to stop buying hammers, better stop going to the hardware store. You're an AA. I get it.

You're excited. But we all know. We all know. And I know it's supposed're excited. But we all know. We all know. And I know it's supposed to be a secret. Somebody was trying to explain to me why it is a secret that it makes sense. I guess if I said I was in Clutters Anonymous. I am not. But if you're having a problem with your water damaged Furby stacking up, there's a place to go.

If I said I was in that one, you fuck chops might go out there and say, oh, Maria Bamford, you know, she says she's in Clutter Sonata, but I saw her driving down Wilshire in a blown out 92 Saturn filled to the brim with Diet Coke Tallboy empties, you know. So, like, I'd be bad advertising for the group. Anyways, I like to talk about it because I have to tell everybody everything.

It's preventative honesty. If I tell you every single thing about myself, you can't at a later date say, but I believe I was very clear. But we all know who's in them. Oh, Brad Pitt's going to a new group, but it's about sobriety. Okay. I wonder what that is.

I had a friend who'd get really mad at me because I was talking about it on stage. You shouldn't talk about it. These programs save your life. Why else be alive except to make fun of things that are really important to you?

Let's spin it one last time. We've covered a lot of impersonal and shallow and unimportant matters tonight. I'd like to close by talking about, finally, something of substance. The short video that they play at Regal Cinemas before the movie. Now, we are all familiar with the Nicole Kidman AMC intro. It has become a bit of a homily. People perform it before films such as Mission Impossible, Oppenheimer, and Barbie.

But at the Regal, which has taken over once-illustrious theaters that used to be called an arc light and is now a place where you can't even get Reese's Pieces. I don't know how that saves anybody money. I'm standing here. I'll give you $6 for a bag of Reese's Pieces. I can't get the deal done.

The deal. The deal. But they begin. But AMC has made this like a cultural moment around Nicole Kidman on the beauty and excitement and joy of going to the movies. And Regal saw that and they said, we are going to produce some fucking dog shit.

We are going to make one of the worst short films in the history of moving pictures. Not since Edison cut a hole in a room. Beyond which I cannot explain. But I do believe it was a room with a hole in it. And then a train came.

After that, color. And after that, color. And after that, Regal got a bunch of, a ton of actors. And every time I bring this up with a friend, that friend says, a friend of mine got to be in it.

And then I feel bad saying, well, they did a really bad job. Because one by one, every person in the short film about how great it is to go to the movies quotes a movie as if it's a form of dialogue so one person will say will spill popcorn on themselves and say that'll leave a mark even though it didn't, famously wouldn't. It's a food you eat by the fistful as it falls down on top of you.

It's famously not a food that leaves a mark. And then... John gives us popcorn backstage. I do, I do. And then someone has an empty soda before a movie, not something that's ever happened in the history of movies, and then turns to their friend and says,

I knew it was you, Fredo. What? And it hurts the fucking soul to hear these people saying these sentences to one another that aren't even in range into any kind of coherent narrative or structure. It's just a group of desperate people hired for the day

to say these lines at one another. And it doesn't just make me hate this short film. It makes me hate the movies themselves. It makes me regret my decision to walk into this theater and spend my time in a room with strangers to watch a movie unfold. It does the opposite of what they say it's going to do.

And also, I'm a little sick of the Nicole Kidman one, too. Thank you. When we come back, we'll end on a high note. Hey, Love It. This is Hannah calling from Dayton, Ohio. I called you earlier today and started crying. But I'm back again. And even though I know that we could have fought started crying, but I'm back again. And even

though I know that we could have fought this moving forward, I'm really glad we don't fucking have to because issue one failed in the state of Ohio. I'm here with a bunch of girls from the Gem City Alliance and the Dayton Women's Rights Alliance. And we all worked super hard for this, and we're just so excited. Thank you for everybody that worked really hard in the state of Ohio. We love you, and we're so excited for this next fight in November. So this is Kelly in Oklahoma, and this message was supposed to go out last week, but I'm a garbage human being who completely forgot about it. So my high note is

actually going to the flaming liberal from Tulsa, who is at your New York live show. We are here. I promise. I know there's not a lot of us in Oklahoma, but there's way more of us than you think. I have a transplant. I now live in Oklahoma City. I know you live in Tulsa. It's far away. We're not going to meet in a million years. But I promise we are here. There's a lot more of us than it seems. Find your people. We are out here. I promise, I promise, I promise.

And go, Ohio. Yay. Hi, Lovett. This is Sam. I'm calling to leave my high note about my vacation. We just got here in Cape Cod. We always start our trip by heading into Provincetown. And yesterday I brought my daughters to go see their second drag show ever,

which was Misconception. There's this amazing family-friendly matinee drag show that is just fabulous and fun. This year was all about cartoon characters. We had a great time as someone who discovered the amazing thing that is Provincetown when I was about 18, coming up here with my parents, experiencing Carnival, and all the amazing things that go with it. It was just such a highlight to be able to have my kids experience that and see all the wonderful people that exist in this world and accept everybody. And as Misconception reminded us in the audience make sure to get out there and tell everybody that drag is not a crime

and it is okay to stay gay and I know I'm creaking to the choir leaving this message on the high note but I wanted to share that all with you because it was such a highlight and a great way to start our vacation. Have a great day! I love it. This is Daniel and this week's high note for

me is after listening to your podcast for many, many months and binge listening to all your previous podcasts, I was released from incarceration on Friday the 4th of August. living my new life and it is great. That first sandwich was delicious and all my friends in the Florida Department of Corrections listen to your show every week. So please keep up the good work. Thank you for your laughs and your entertainment. Thanks to everybody who called in with a high note tonight. If you want to leave us a message about something that gave you hope, call us at 323-538-2377. That is our show. Thank you so much to Ian Harvey, Maria Bamford, Bridget Weininger, and Lacey Mosley, the great Lacey Mosley.

Always a delight. There are 450 days until the 2024 elections. Have a great night, and thank you for coming out, and thank you to this whole team for a whole bunch of shows in a row. Great job, everybody. is our producer, and Malcolm Whitfield is our associate producer. Howie Keeper is our head writer. Sarah Lazarus, Jocelyn Kaufman, Poulavi Gunalan,

Peter Miller, Rebecca Kaplan, Alan Pierre, and Chandler Dean are our writers. Evan Sutton is our editor. Stephen Colon is our audio engineer, and Kyle Seglin provides audio support. Our theme song is written and performed by Shersher. Thanks to our designer, Jesse McClain, for creating and running all of our visuals, which you can't see because this is a podcast, and to our digital producers, Zuri Ervin, David Tolles,

Mia Kelman, and Matt DeGroote for filming and editing video each week so you can. You can find see because this is a podcast. And to our digital producers, Zuri Ervin, David Tolles, Mia Kelman, and Matt DeGroote for filming and editing video each week so you can. You can find those glorious videos at www.youtube.com slash at love it or leave it podcast. That's the best we can do, I guess. Subscribe to Love It or Leave It on YouTube for access to video versions of your favorite segments and other exclusive content. Don't forget to follow us at Crooked Media on IG and Twitter. And if you're as opinionated as we are, consider dropping us a review.

Hey there, listeners. It's Jon Lovett. If you're a fan of deep dive tales filled with petty characters and whiplash inducing twists and turns, I think you'll love Fierce Rivalries. It's hosted by Kelsey Padgett and world famous drag queen, Delta Work. Each week, you'll hear the stories of an infamous rivalry like housewives of the Gilded Age spending millions to be crowned most popular,

airline titans spying on each other and dressing up like pirates, and a cheerleader mom taking tryouts to near fatal ends. What happens when winning is the only goal? Listen to Fierce Rivalries now wherever you get your podcasts.