Lovett or Leave It - Trial by Fire Emoji

Episode Date: March 11, 2023

Lovett Or Leave It welcomes all the beautiful people to Los Angeles’s gorgeous Dynasty Typewriter theater, including Keep It’s own Oscars trivia star Louis Virtel. Jiavani sings a musical number for America’s catastrophic blunder, the GOP. Jonathan Braylock and Jerah Milligan sweep the spring cleaning categories. An old-timey villain (Jenny Yang) crosses their fingers for a televised trainwreck, and Lovett asks for the envelope, please, to celebrate the winners of this year’s first-annual Lovies. For a closed-captioned version of this episode, click here. For a transcript of this episode, please email [e-mail] and include the name of the podcast. 

The health care is always better in an alternate country You dream about maybe moving out of the land of the free Just look at our shithole country. God damn it is such a shame. The wonderful things are gone now and you know who is to blame. The GOP. The GOP. When it is your goal just to

be a troll there is no glee. Fighting drag queens you are no fun. Turn a blind eye to all the guns No legislation, just consternation The GOP They chip away at abortion But they hate parental leave

They let pharma make a fortune Drug prices you can't believe They ignore the changing climate, but whine about lab-grown meat. I guess we'll see if they notice when their voters die of heat. Oh, the GOP! The GOP!

They'll filibuster all they can muster. Just wait and see! Suck the dick of the NRA, but they won't let teachers say gay. They hate this nation, want segregation. The GOP.

The GOP. The planet they'll soil by drilling oil in the deep sea. The Supreme Court was packed by Mitch, but you know, guess what, Liza bitch? Join the militia, call it a mitzvah, the GOP. The newt is a brute, Boebert makes it hurt.

Matt Gaetz will shout greats, the Conways will split. And Ron is withdrawn, and Graham is a sham. And MTG has no soul. Mike Pence, he seems tense, Haley's not scary. And Mitt's full of shit, and Rick is a dick. Kevin McCarthy, his job is crappy. shit. And Rick is a dick. Kevin McCarthy, his job is crappy. And oh, Trump is a dumb. Yeah!

The GOP! The GOP! When they grandstand about books they ban. Oh, how I see! What do Dems got? Our tent's too big. They're an entire party of pigs. I think it's funny to TikTok funny.

The GOP. They've no board of planning. Social caravan. The GOP. They'll gerrymander. No need to pander. So they'll give credence to all your grievance. So it might suck.

You don't give a fuck here. The GOP. Fuck yeah, my G.O.B. Hello, Los Angeles. One more time for Giovanni. And shout out to producer Brian. He gets his anger out through song. Welcome to Love It or Leave It, live or else. Please give it up for Giovanni.

She is the host and producer of the live comedy variety show Gaijin AF, which will be right here at Dynasty Typewriter on Saturday, March 11th. We've got a great show for you tonight. Jonathan Braylock and Jerome Milligan are here to absolve you of your winter sins. Crooked Zone's Louis Vertel swings by for his annual display of otherworldly Oscar knowledge. An old-timey villain bemoans modernity. And Jenny Yang joins Louis, Gerard, Jonathan, Giovanni, and an appearance by producer Kendra for acceptance speeches.

But first, let's get into it. What a week. Most high-profile Republicans skipped this year's CPAC, but when there's only a little milk left at the bottom of the container, it sure does curdle faster. Michael Knowles, a commentator for The Daily Wire, and what happens when you ask ChatGPT to turn saying, excuse me, but I'm in a bit of a rush here, to a middle-aged woman carrying a heavy tray into your personality, said this to cheers from the crowd. There can be no middle way in dealing with transgenderism. It is all or nothing. Transgenderism must be eradicated from public life entirely.

Hey, hey, hey. Knowles defended the comment, saying it's not a call for genocide because he said transgenderism, not transgender people, adding it's just an idea, like Judaism. There are a handful of words that should automatically send you plummeting through a trap door if you use them in a political speech. And eradicate is number one. Oh, the next word was going to be cancer? Should have said it faster. Meanwhile, our 50-50 shot at being our next president, Donald Trump, crammed... What are you...

We're going to do this shit again? Learn your goddamn lessons. Our 60-40 shot at being our next president, Donald Trump crammed an impressive number of lies into his speech at CPAC, slandering his ancient enemy, the windmill, saying this. They want windmills all over the place that ruin our fields, kill our birds,

and are very unreliable, and are the most expensive energy ever developed. Ah yes, the windmills, known for their extremely expensive fuel. Former Treasury Secretary Larry Summers said on Monday that the U.S. economy could experience a Wile E. Coyote moment as the Fed raises interest rates to tame inflation. Oh, I don't think it's all that bad, said Vice President Kamala Harris before running face first into a brick wall with a tunnel painted on it. And then moments later, President Biden ran right through the tunnel that for her was solid.

She really has an impossible job. A new batch of documents released as part of the Fox News Dominion defamation lawsuit revealed that Tucker Carlson was as sick of Trump as the rest of us after the 2020 election. On January 4th, 2021, Carlson texted a colleague, we are very, very close to being able to ignore Trump most nights. I truly can't wait. Carlson added, I hate him passionately. This raises the question, what other text did Tucker send that could have come from my phone? Does he text some Nazi grifter his Elden Ring build? Carlson wrote in another text, that's the last four years.

We're all pretending we got a lot to show for it because admitting what a disaster it's been is too tough to digest. But come on, there isn't really an upside to Trump. Dance like no one's watching, love like you've never been hurt, text like you'll never be sued for defamation by a voting machine company. Meanwhile, Senate Majority Leader Chuck Schumer blasted Fox News and Tucker Carlson for selectively using security footage from January 6th to claim it wasn't a violent insurrection. Millions of Americans tuned in to one of the most shameful hours we have ever seen on cable television. But enough about the premiere of John from Cincinnati in 2007. I take your note.

What is this, the final season of Game of Thrones? So here's the thing. John from Cincinnati, in and of itself not shameful, but the fact that it cost us a fourth season of Deadwood, if you're listening to this at home, and that was for you, that was for you. Senate Republicans were horrified by Carlson's depiction of the attack.

Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell told reporters, it was a mistake, in my view, for Fox News to depict this in a way that's completely at variance with what our chief law enforcement officials here in the Capitol thinks. I think it's bullshit, said North Carolina Senator Tom Tillis. Utah Senator Mitt Romney agreed, saying it's really sad to see Tucker Carlson go off the rails like that. Continued Romney, what is he, every train? House Speaker Kevin McCarthy said he had no regrets about giving Carlson exclusive access to the footage, said McCarthy, I said from the very beginning, transparency. Kevin McCarthy is the political equivalent of having a container of fries in your hand and checking your watch. Do you know what I mean? Does that make sense to you?

He's less than a step ahead. he's less than a step ahead. In other news, Governor Sarah Huckabee Sanders approved legislation this week that cut back on several child labor protections in Arkansas. This sounds pretty bad, but when it comes to Arkansas Republicans lowering a legal age limit, it's not the worst one we could imagine. Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell was hospitalized for a concussion in D.C.

after tripping and falling at a hotel during a private dinner. He is doing okay, but has shocked his colleagues by suddenly being incredibly kind and funny and generous, leaving his motorcade to visit with some of his unhoused neighbors and announcing his intent to push Senate Republicans to join him in reviving the child tax credit. He was laughing and taking in the warm sun, realizing he'd never stopped even once in all his years to feel these feelings,

telling his wife Elaine that he wanted to go on a second honeymoon that would really be like a first because now colors were brighter and he was alive, and how he felt for her a love that taught him how to love the whole world. And as he entered the Senate chamber with a smile none of us has ever seen before on his face, a kind of far-off look of a man reborn with a copy of the child tax credit expansion in his pocket. Boom! A Klieg light on a frayed rope fell from the rafters and clocked him on the head as Ted Cruz put a pair of shears back in his pocket.

Mitch staggered for a moment and rubbed his head and said, where am I? What's happening? At which point Ted Cruz reminded the minority leader that he was there to oppose a budget bill that would use unspent fighter jet money to fix holes in school roofs. Sorry about that, everybody. Mitch is back. In my absolute favorite story of the week, Tennessee Lieutenant Governor Randy McNally,

who has a history of championing anti-LGBTQ legislation, was dragged online after screenshots of him publicly liking and commenting on a gay young man's thirst traps were circulated on social media. Now look, have I left comments like these short? Comments like, super look, Finn. Just three hearts and three flame emojis. And my favorite, Finn, you can turn a rainy day into rainbows and sunshine. This is the lieutenant governor, Republican.

He is a great grandfather. He is pursuing anti-gay, anti-trans bills. And at night, when he gets off work to unwind, he goes super fucking horny. Bless him for using his official Instagram account to leave these comments. As newsrooms get slashed, it is incumbent on politicians

to do their weird secret shit completely out in the open. McNally also commented on one of McClure's nudes. Great picture, Finn. Best wishes for continued health and happiness. One note, and I do think this is important. Finn is not a name that this person uses publicly. It is a nickname that the lieutenant governor is drawing from his private correspondence with this person. It is cool that no level of horniness can overcome old person posting patterns. McNally is about to burst into flames of unmet sexual desire and still commenting stuff like,

very nice, I hope for your success in all your future endeavors. Said McNally's spokesperson in a statement, and this is real, trying to imply something sinister or inappropriate about a great-grandfather's use of social media says more about the mind of the left-wing operative making the implication than it does about Randy McNally. Yeah, shame on you filthy-minded libs. It's because of you that great-grandfathers can't innocently comment, keep up the good work on young men showing hole anymore. The spokesman went on to say, does he always use the proper emoji at the proper time?

Maybe not. You see, in the Lieutenant Governor's Day, eggplant emoji followed by sweaty face emoji meant may Christ be with you. Amazing. Marianne Williamson officially announced her bid for the presidency this week, telling reporters, I'm not challenging Joe Biden. I'm challenging the system. She's right about the first part. George and Kellyanne Conway have announced that they are in the final stages of getting a divorce after 22 years of marriage. And so today we send our condolences to all the politically engaged couples out there with marriages on the rocks who consoled themselves by thinking,

we have problems, but look at that. Michelle Obama shared on her new podcast that she broke down and cried for 30 minutes straight shortly after leaving Trump's inauguration. I see Michelle is finally coming around to my motto from high school. When they go low, we go cry. I'm fine, I do this now. Toblerone will no longer be able to feature the Matterhorn on its packaging after the company shifted some production out of

Switzerland and became insufficiently Swiss to claim the association under Swiss law. Switzerland, we take a stand on the important stuff. Switzerland, we take a stand on the important stuff. Food manufacturers are now complaining that the FDA's new guidelines around added sugar and other ingredients would mean almost no packaged foods would be allowed to be labeled healthy. In response to no longer being able to pretend their products are healthy, ConAgra, the parent company of Healthy Choice, said this, It is our strong conviction that if FDA's proposal is adopted in its current form, companies like ConAgra will have every incentive to shift their innovation efforts away from

products labeled as healthy and toward less healthy options, which is an amazing threat. Like a movie mobster standing over a weeping, bleeding form threatening to hurt him. You think you're fat now, America? We've still got the corn syrup phaser set to stun. We will jam hoses down your beaks like the foie gras geese you are. We will hide sugar in everything. You will go to bed stuffed

and wake up sticky, you motherfuckers. Meanwhile, an appeals court ruled that dairy companies in the U.S. can call their cheese Gruyere, even though it wasn't produced in the Gruyere region of Switzerland. An attorney representing the plaintiff told reporters, it's a surprising outcome, especially since this case is about abortion rights.

I love that one. A lot of bangers tonight. It came on a good night. According to the BBC, the chrism oil, that is the sacred oil that will be used to anoint King Charles III at his coronation, will be animal cruelty free this time around. In past coronations, the ritual has been conducted with civet oil from civet glands and amber grease, which comes from whale intestines, which comes from whale intestines, because otherwise, it doesn't work. But this new chisholm oil isn't fooling me.

You can clearly taste the difference. The workplace messaging app Slack announced plans to incorporate ChatGPT into its platform, where it will help users write faster replies to their coworkers. Though it doesn't work very well, Hallie sent me a batch of monologue jokes today and my Slack kept replying, thanks, they should sell Ozempic at McDonald's. Next month, Amazon is planning to launch

its brand new NFT marketplace. That's the beauty of a company like Amazon. They have the scale of a government, but the speed and innovation of a startup. So they can pounce on an idea like an NFT marketplace and launch it right in the white-hot moment when people are demanding it most. Meanwhile, Tesla is being investigated by regulators

after customers complained that their new Model Y steering wheels detached while they were driving. Relax, that's just part of the autopilot. As in, you autopilot in the track. Because all the parts fell off. I have got to get rid of this fucking thing. I have, like, every week it's a fucking, it's a coffin on wheels. Fuck.

The only reluctance in saying that is I'm worried about the resale value. I've got to offload this fucking Tesla. Oh, fuck. Get an electric car. It'll be great. Oh, he's a Nazi grifter on the internet all the time. I didn't know. It wasn't like I was like,

oh, I really can't wait to bask in the reflected glory of this fucking brand. When I got the Tesla, I felt weird. Then I got the thing, sat in my driveway for a whole pandemic By the time I got in it He was a goddamn monster I didn't have one good day

Anyway A lightly used If anyone's in the market For a lightly used blue 2020 Model Y With 12,000 miles and the scent of screams From the inside Steering wheel is attached Y with 12,000 miles and the scent of screams from the inside.

Steering wheel is attached. Does rattle like a bitch, though. When you're in a Tesla, it really lets you know you're on the highway. It feels like it was made by a kid for one of those boxcar derbies. You know, like it was a dad and a son in the basement trying to bond, using a drill bit for the third time. That's what it feels like. Like, just... But don't worry, it does also still drive itself, so you can drive with your eyes closed.

A Washington Post investigation found that a group of Catholic philanthropists spent millions on app data they used to identify gay priests. Actually, half the money was spent on app data. The other half was paying Pedro Pascal to do a little dance in the narthex. Joe Rogan opened the doors to his comedy mothership, a new comedy club that has been billed

as being anti-cancel culture. I just flew into the comedy mothership, and boy, are my premises tired. You can mock it, but women agree it's a perfect last date spot. Disgraced Dilbert creator Scott Adams, whose comic strip was dropped by countless newspapers after his racist YouTube rant,

announced plans to launch his own private subscription service. Dilbert Reborn. That's right, folks. The Dilbert Plus. Finally, Scott Adams will have his own platform to freely espouse the incredibly subversive message of Dilbert. Boy, is work boring sometimes. At a party during Paris Fashion Week,

Avril Lavigne and Tyga were seen kissing, confirming rumors of their relationship. He was a skater boy. She died in 2003. A recent essay revealed that Julia Roberts was set to star in 1998's Shakespeare in Love, only to quit after they criticized her British accent. Oi, Romeo!

Oi! Oi, Romeo! Romeo! Oi, Romeo! Romeo! What's all this then? Why do they make me so embarrassing? An American Airlines passenger was banned from flying with the airline after allegedly urinating on his seatmate, which I feel bad about because I did ask for it. Three people were recently arrested in Japan

in connection with a viral video that depicts a young man drinking straight from a restaurant's soy sauce bottle in what has been called an act of sushi terrorism. But that's politics. One person's sushi terrorist is another person's sushi freedom fighter. Colombia is considering a transfer of over 70 of Pablo Escobar's hippopotamuses to India and Mexico as part of a plan to control their population.

I don't know why Colombia wants to control India and Mexico's population, but 70 cocaine-crazed hippos should do the trick. 70 cocaine-crazed hippos should do the trick. And finally, a Massachusetts man was sentenced to probation for illegally capturing wild hares in Maine for the purpose of training dogs. The man had originally planned to plead not guilty, but his lawyer advised him to be very, very quiet. Coming up next,

Louis Ver- don't wah-wah me. Bring the fucking energy down right before a break. Who the fuck do you think you are? Think about how little you, one person in an audience of hundreds of thousands, and yet you decided you wanted to be on the fucking podcast.

That's the mindset of an assassin. That's how Rabin died I'm so sorry that was I take it back it was too much but it was funny

coming up next Louis Vertel is here hey don't go anywhere there's more of love it or leave it coming up next Louis Vertel is here hey don't go anywhere there's more of Love It or Leave It coming up and we're back this Sunday is the

95th annual Academy Awards here to slap me across the face for publicly insulting his beautiful wife it's the one and only the host of Keep It Louis Vertel. Come on out, Louis.

How you doing, Louis? I'm great. I just want to say, your Mitch McConnell impression before, did he have a Liverpool accent? What was going on there? It was giving Ringo Starr. That's really nice of you to say.

When I do an impression, it is literally just that, an impression. Oh, okay. And you don't know what you're going to get. You know who did a lot is literally just that, an impression. Oh, okay. And you don't know what you're going to get. You know who did a lot of impressions like that? Robin Williams. Like when he would do a little voice like this, like who were you imitating?

Sometimes it was just like voices. Yeah, they're just voices. I mean, yeah. It's just wherever the Coke takes you. Right. Yeah. All right. What is the Oscar controversy you personally care about the most this year?

This year? Honestly, as just an obsessive viewer, not a writer on the telecast, just how we can possibly top the insanity of last year. I remember sitting there watching the Will Smith thing and just thinking, I've never seen anything like this before. And it's not like I really even cared to talk about it. I just, it's banked in my mind as this, there will never be another moment like this thing. So I don't know for better or for worse that we have to follow that up, can we i'm curious so many things have become so routine and so kind of corporatized yes you know the mobsters don't own the casinos the reward shows are pretty predictable that really was a moment where like it felt like from before these things

were televised during the very early seasons of drag race they really didn't remember they were on television because they barely were and so like they really just like winning this is what mattered they wanted to destroy each other they didn't think about the narrative they didn't think about the story they were telling i felt like it was from that time i want to say something about early drag race too something that i think we're missing now is that in the early seasons, it was really like hardened queens who had just been out there at clubs, finally meeting up to like beat each other on television. And there was a real angst about that. And now they're all like nice and like TikTok oriented.

It's just like, I miss when there was just a resting, I'm 42 and I've had it energy about Drag Race. I think that's right. I think that's right. Do you think a mob is going to storm the stage when Andrea Risborough wins for To Leslie? I'm going to be a part of the mob, supportively. That's my Jan 6 moment, yeah. Did you guys see To Leslie?

No one saw To Leslie. I know, it's like 11 people altogether saw it, including me, that's it. She really is amazing in it. She was always in my top five for the season, so it doesn't feel crazy to me that she's in the final five lineup. That said, she's been very scarcely seen this awards season, and I think that's on purpose. Yeah, it's the sort of thing like, I got the nomination. I probably shouldn't press my luck. Yeah, right. Don't draw the evil eye. Can you explain the Michelle Yeoh Instagram controversy and how we should feel about it? Sure.

So somebody on her team may have been Michelle Yeoh posted an article that said a lot of things, mostly just in support of her performance, but it also said, you know, there's only been one actress of color to win best actress ever. It's been 20 years since that happened. That was Halle Berry.

That was 20 years ago? God damn it. We are getting fucking old. We're quite old. Jesus, I was an adult. Keep going. Forget it. we are getting fucking old. We're quite old. Jesus, I was an adult. Keep going. Forget it. Forget it.

Keep moving. But the gist of the article could be seen as, you know, saying don't vote for Cate Blanchett or whatever, like anti-Cate Blanchett a little bit. And so people wondered if it was against the rules, basically. And, of course, those are, like, gray areas with Academy voting anyway. So she took it down, but people were mad at her for, you know, because it was, like, the last day of Oscar voting too,

so it could have swayed people in her favor, et cetera. Hey, do you have any more questions about how Brendan Fraser became fat? Are you interested in any more dialogue about that? I've only seen hundreds of hours of commentary about it. Yeah, I remember the movie Shallow Hell. I'm not surprised we can still pull it off. No. Lewis. Yes. The world knows surprised we can still pull it off. No.

Lewis. Yes. The world knows you have a compendium of Oscar knowledge. Yes. Wisdom we've tested right here on this very stage. But we're going to put you to the test. Okay. It wasn't enough to quiz you on this year's awards

or past year's awards. We took a step back in our size two small Christian Louboutins, which the stylist made us wear, but neglected to mention we're so tight. Lewis. You are now about to take not only Oscars trivia, but trivia about Spike TV's Guy's Choice Awards. Oh, Jesus. Viacom celebration of all things Guy that ran,

if you can really believe it, from 2007 all the way to 2016, as if Spike TV saw the nation-elect, the Guy's president, and said, we should probably stop. We've done enough. Which is why we're calling today's quiz Men on the Oscars or the Oscars for Men?

Oh, my gosh. Can I call glad? Oh, my God. This feels violent. Cate Blanchett is the only Oscar winner among this year's crop of Best Actress nominees. What films did she previously win for? Just Cate Blanchett's wins.

So she won for The Aviator and Blue Jasmine. Correct. That's not a wow. Wait for it. Well, let's... I can name all her nominations. Okay. Two people have Nobel Prizes and Oscars.

Who are they? George Bernard Shaw. Correct. And is the other one... It's not... Who's the other one? We could add this year Ishiguro, who's nominated for a living, but that's not who you're talking about.

And the other one is a Nobel Prize winner. It's not Pearl S. Buck, is it? No. Who's the other one? Singer. Oh, Bob Dylan, of course. Yes, yes, yes. A Nobel.

Yeah, you wrote songs. Yeah. Seems a little cheap ultimately right could they find someone people might not know a lot about and lift up incredible work that might be a bit more esoteric sure they could or you can give Bob Dylan the award right did he even go I don't even know

that he went which of the following was not a category at any installment of the guy awards oh god okay was it a naughtiest cyber vixen, B, hot and smart, the ultimate package, C, Jean-Claude God damn, or D, hotter than hell?

You're saying only one of those is fictional. Only one of those is fictional. Three of them are real. Man, I just can't imagine Jean-Claude Van Damme would be much of a player culturally during that time, so I'm going to say that one. No, incorrect. It was hot and smart.

They only cared about half of that. I just want to say that it's rare that two things are a complete package anyway. I should have seen through that. It should be a triple threat. Like short. Can you name the five Irish actors nominated for awards this year? And can you say all of them in an Irish accent? Oh, God.

I will spare them that, unfortunately. So you got your Colin Farrell. Correct. Cary Condon. Yep. Brendan Gleeson. Correct. Barry Keoghan.

Uh-huh. And Paul Meskel. Wow. Yeah. Judd Hirsch now has the record for the longest period between Oscar nominations. How many years has it been since his last nomination? Okay, so he's nominated this year for a very small part in the Fablemans,

and his last was for one of my favorite Best Picture wins of all time, Ordinary People in 1980, in the 81 ceremony. Fucking correct. That's another thing, that it was an Oscar for 80 in the 81 ceremony. It's a huge thing in Oscar trivia

when they're asking the question, if they say the year, that's the year of the ceremony, I'm like, oh, this is amateur hour, I have to leave. It's the huge thing in Oscar trivia when they're asking the question if they say the year that's the year of the ceremony. I'm like, oh, this is amateur hour. I have to leave. It's the year of the movie. Yeah, right. It's the year of the fucking movie.

Who did Mickey Rourke beat in 2009 for guy of the year? Woof. He had that much of a moment with the wrestler that they're like, he's the guy of the year. No other men qualified. Well, several other competed,

but only one could win. Who did Mickey Rourke beat in 2009 for Guy of the Year? I'm going to go with Barack Obama. Correct. That is correct. Spike TV awarded Guy of the Year to Mickey Rourke over Barack Obama. One, a sensitive portrayal of a wrestler at the end of his career. The other, the first black president in American history.

Todd Field is nominated this year for Best Original Screenplay for Tar. He was previously nominated twice for Best Adapted Screenplay. What are those films? Well, Todd Field has only made three movies, so the other two are In the Bedroom and Little Children. Correct. Which both of those are amazing. If you're not up on Todd Field's work, it

takes you only six hours to see it all. Only three films have ever swept Best Picture, Director, Actress, Actor, and screenplay Can you name the three? It Happened One Night One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest Love watching the fucking neurons

synapses firing Wait, that's it I believe you more than this card but this card says there's one more movie Hold on Actor, actress, I don't think there is What is it that's a confident one

what have I told you silence of the lambs silence of the lambs I forgot that does it count is it real yeah we did it yes

I was like was it really a screenplay yes who was honored in 2008 for a decade of hotness and you're not going to believe this the illustrious decade of hotness award

was it A decade of hotness Drew Barrymore B decade of hotness Cameron Diaz Decade of Hotness award? Was it A, Decade of Hotness Drew Barrymore, B, Decade of Hotness Cameron Diaz, C, Decade of Hotness Penelope Cruz, or D, Decade of Hotness Olivia Munn? Decade would be a little long for Olivia Munn, so I'm going to vote her out. What was the second one?

Cameron Diaz. I think it's Cameron Diaz. Correct. Yeah. Bringing the same correctness to the guys' words. Cameron Diaz is so synonymous with the early 2000s. The entire reason we believed in low-rise jeans is because of Cameron Diaz.

Yeah, that's right. Single-handedly. That's right. She hurt a lot of people. Across this year's acting categories, only four performers have been previously nominated for an Oscar. Angela Bassett and Michelle Williams are two. Who are the others?

Cate Blanchett and Judd Hirsch. Yeah. Yeah. Who was the last honoree in the Oscars in Memoriam Reel in 2017? Ooh. There's not a trick to this. They weren't secretly alive or something. No.

Do I get a hint on this one? You're Our Only Hope. Oh, Carrie Fisher? Yeah. I'm actually surprised it's not older than that. Which two people were pitted against each other during the 2009 Best Bush matchup? Holy shit.

Oh, the Bush twins. You're on the right track. Oh. It was Will Ferrell and Josh Brolin. Oh, I get it. Yes, yeah, yeah. And finally. Okay. Which, yeah. And finally. Okay.

Which of these is not a category that was once used at Spike Guy Choice Awards? All right. A, best girl on girl scene. B, hottest twins. C, historical wood hit. Or D, porn again. That's right. Three of those are real.

Yes. Which one is fake? I want to be clear. The fourth one is porn again. Like born again. Yes. Like porn again. As in they did porn once and then they decided to do it a second time.

Or maybe they were doing porn, then left porn, then returned to it. What was the second one? Hottest twins. I'm going to go with that. No, it was Historical Wood Hit. But, you know, it's just for fun. 1956, Best Supporting Actress. Oh, Dorothy Malone in Written on the Wind.

1991, Best Director. Jonathan Demme for Science of the Lambs. 1987, Best Supporting Actor. It should have been Vincent Gardena for Moonstruck, but it was Sean Connery in The Untouchables. 1972, Best Adapted Screenplay. Hmm, that's The Godfather. Thank you so much, Lewis.

Go listen to Keep It and go watch Jimmy Kimmel. And if you laugh at a joke on Oscar Sunday... Oh, yes, I'm writing on this Oscar, so you have to laugh no matter what. You've encouraged it tonight, so... When we come back, get off the tracks, and Old Tommy Villain is here. And we're back. Another Norfolk Southern train derailed in Ohio on Saturday

because, folks, when it trains, it pours. I can make that joke because while the crash did send 28 cars sliding off the tracks, it didn't cause any injuries or send a big toxic cloud of poison into the atmosphere. Hashtag not all derailments. Still, it's not ideal that today's freight trains aren't happy to paint within the lines, as it were. And no one's more upset about it than our next guest. Please welcome Transportation Secretary... Nope. Still trying to rebuild there.

Please welcome an old-timey villain. Old-timey villain, thank you for being here. Oh, okay, I see the problem. No, this isn't a silent movie. You can say stuff out loud, and we really need you to. Oh, totally. Totally sorry about that. These dastardly old habits.

Good evening, John. Hi. Good evening, to be sure. But will it stay good? Only time will tell Sorry, slipped into autopilot again there I'm not plotting anything It's great to be here

Okay, so So I have to tell you It really warmed my heart that you A self-proclaimed villain Reached out to ask us to talk about these train derailments You're the quintessential bad guy, but even you care about the safety of workers and the environment.

Oh, not at all, John. I'm just sick of tying these damsels to the train tracks only for the goddamn train to never show up. Oh, Jesus. Do you have any idea What a shit show that is You've got this lady tied to the railroad She's screaming her head off An hour goes by

Two hours Now it's just super quiet and awkward And she's like Hey man where's this train at You're both getting hungry Then you get a breaking news notification And find out that thing derailed 10 miles north. Now you're just standing there with your fucking dick in your hand.

Oh, boy. Has this been happening a lot? Oh, look. Look, I try to keep busy, John. Every train derailment you hear about, that's one more damsel I've had to untie from the train tracks. And drive all the way back to her house. And I'm sorry to be uncouth in mixed company, but that car ride sucks ass, John. Okay.

You can give this damsel the ox cord, offer to stop at McDonald's drive-thru, you name it. She's gonna stay distressed as hell. Yeah, sure. Yeah, women be crazy when you tie them to the train tracks. You said it, brother. It's like the train thing was an hour ago. Why are we still talking about this? Are you

on your period or something? Oh, right. I guess we shouldn't be surprised that you're the fucking worst. So wait, if the train never comes, you just give up and take her home? You don't try to carry out your villainy in some other way? Of course not. I'm a train track villain.

It's a very specific craft. My father was a train track villain, and his father was a train track villain, and his father before him, my great-great-grandfather, sold hats. But his father? Train track villain. Let's see. So you took over the family business. Mom and Pop villainy is what's under threat here.

Exactly. And by the way, I don't blame Pete Buttigieg for what's happening. I actually feel for the fellow. I'm terrified to ask, but why is that? Again, I hate to offend the delicate sensibilities of your guests, but John, the transportation secretary, is a homosexual. Yeah, I'm aware.

And as a train track villain, I've been coded as gay for a very long time. People see a dainty little mustachioed freak in a big campy cape, prancing around and cackling, and they jump to conclusions. I'm not gay, as it happens. I'm as hetero as they come routinely terrorizing random women is one of the straightest things a man can do john of course of

course that makes sense but i know what pete's up against and i feel for him villain to villain the right blames him for all the derailments and then it seems like no one on the left wants to defend him he's out there all by himself. He's just the wrong kind of gay, John. No, he's McKenzie gay, not Bravo gay. Yes, yes, yes, yes. And not his fault. Not his fault.

He's like that one whale that calls at a different frequency from every other whale so the other whales never have his back on Twitter. Or invite him over to watch Drag Race. But I'm not here to feel sorry for Pete. I'm here to feel sorry for me. You're right. Let's stay on track. Huh? This is one train Pete can't derail.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. That sucks. I regret it. Oh, it's just hard to see my whole way of life disappear, you know? It's like the rail companies themselves are the villains now.

It's vertical integration. Where does that leave a small business like me? Hey, hey, come on now. Don't say that. Sure, corporate villains are big these days, but people still need individual monsters to hate. I don't know, John. Tying damsels to the train tracks is slow. It's artisanal.

It's small patch. I can only train track so many women a year because I value the quality of my work over quantity. But this modern economy you've all built, it's an incredible killing machine. How am I supposed to compete? You're an Etsy page up against the sheen of senseless death. Every year it gets harder. The botched pandemics, the lax gun laws, the broken healthcare system. Sometimes your fancy scientists can't even say who died. Just that particulate matter in the air-shutting lifespan for millions of people.

Think about it, John. Your magical tech companies were making phones and apps that are so riveting and distracting you can't look away, right? Sure. And at the same time, your precious car companies made pickup trucks twice as big with giant grills in the front as if designed to tenderize human flesh. Well, when you put it that way. Diabolical. No one person to blame but to rise in pedestrian deaths that makes 9-11 look like something much less bad, like a school shooting. What?

I'm a villain! And that's hard to hear, but obviously true. Keep it moving, you freak. Okay, if an all-timey villain killed as many people as high fructose corn syrup, you declare a war! But I don't even register anymore, John. I'm a blip. And if these trains keep flopping over in Ohio,

I'll be nothing. That's why I'm a blip. And if these trains keep flopping over in Ohio, I'll be nothing. That's why I'm calling my representatives and demanding freight rail safety reforms. And when the media tries to make one person a villain, to make one person a story, even if we hate them, even if it's Trump, please remember this. Teach a person to kill, they'll kill for a day. Teach a system to kill, and it'll kill for the rest of your life. An old-timey villain, everybody. Thank you, John. Thank you.

Remember, hire your independent local villain for your next elaborate murder. And the old-timey villain exits. Jenny Yang, everybody. She has a show right here at Dynasty Typewriter on April 5th called Self-Help Me, a competitive self-help comedy show,

and her latest dates are always at JennyYang.tv. When we come back, it's time for some spring cleaning. Don't go anywhere. This is Love It or Leave It, and there's more on the way. And we're back! This weekend, daylight saving time will joyfully shove us into a brighter future. And just in time, because spring has sprung in Los Angeles, after an unseasably cold and rainy winter,

the pink trumpet trees are in bloom. Straight people are peeking their heads out of their burrows in search of the season's first cold brew, the very nectar that sustained L.A.'s gay community throughout these cold, dark months. What better time, then, for all of us to swiffer out our cobweb-covered souls with some emotional spring cleaning?

Here to help us air out our summer wardrobes of the mind and beat our dusty rugs with a tennis racket. The rugs are the human experience. The tennis racket is comedy. You know them from the hilarious Black Man Can't Jump in Hollywood podcast. Welcome the wonderful Jonathan Braylock and Jerome Milligan. Hi, guys.

Hello, hello. I gotta do some springtime. Welcome, welcome. Thanks for being here. Thanks for being here. Look at this. Got a leather couch in the light. Yeah, it's nice, except for this mess. But everything else is really nice.

Yeah. That's not on my side. My side's good. Your side's good. Yeah. His side's good. All right, well. It's on your side.

Okay, fine. I get it. I got the bad side. You both got good sides. This is great. Yeah, I mean, both sides of my face are nice. I wanted more support from the audience. They didn't give it to me.

Nothing. Didn't give it to me. They gave you nothing. Oh, thank you. Don't do that. Both sides of my face are nice. How dare you? All I had to do was pander a little bit, and I got it.

You know what's happening? They're getting into the rhythm of the two of you together, being incredibly in sync. I'm trying to do the same thing. It's like I'm running along a train, and I'm get on oh you can jump on yeah hop on board yeah you know and here i am we can squeeze three on this couch i made it weird okay let's discuss this what are your thoughts on daylight saving time how do you feel about it it's wait is it over no it's technically about to begin we're gonna enter to enter daylight saving time. Do you know what daylight saving...

I thought they were going to end it. I thought they said they were... Here's what happened. Okay, yeah, please. It actually got snuck into a bill, and then everyone's like, wait, we didn't want to do this. Only eight of you wanted to do this.

You can't just sneak that shit in. You can't tell Michigan what time it is without a conversation. That's real. So it fell out. But people do want to repeal it and permanently be in daylight saving time. Right now we're in standard time,

which is why it gets light earlier and dark earlier. We're going to spring ahead. So we're going to lose an hour, which sucks. But then we get an extra hour of nighttime brightness, which is good. Keep it that way all year is what I think. Why? Why do you like going back and forth?

Let's think about it. When you go back in time, you go back in time. And then you get to go forward in time. So it's like you get to jump between, like, the future and the past. No, hear me out. It's not like once a year we get an hour to undo all our mistakes. I mean, you got to play it right. It'd be cool if we did.

You got to play it right. Listen, if you care that much about going back in time, you can hop on a plane and fly to New York, okay? Wait. What? I mean... But then you fly back to L.A. Hold on!

I wasn't done! No, no, hold on. I wasn't done. He wasn't done. I wasn't done. He wasn't done. I'm interested. Keep...

What happens? I was talking about the different time zones. Listen, just fly to Australia and then fly back somewhere. Something will happen. What are those ways you're gonna be traveling into the future? Or the past? I don't know. I wanna go to the

past. You wanna go to the past? Yeah, cause think about it. If you go to the past, you can undo stuff, right? I've never heard a black man say they wanted to go to a pass. Wait, time out. First off, I'm not going way in the pass. I'm trying to go a week or two. I'm trying to play the lotto.

I truly don't think it's safe for literally anyone to go past 91. I don't think anything before that is good. There was one gay guy on the real world and they were like, that's crazy. That's real.

No, I'm trying to go back to last week because, listen, my aunt called me and said my birthday hit in the lotto and I would have won a bunch of money and then she was like, you should play the lotto and I would go back to last Tuesday, put my birthday in, and I'd be a millionaire right now.

Science, okay? Time travel is science. Has absolutely nothing to do with science. Time travel is science. I've seen Back to the Future. So you'd be a millionaire. Here's something you'll also have to do. What's happening? Which is, the moment you get back, you have to find yourself

and kill him. This is true. Because you've gone back a week. You, a week ago, don't know that this conversation is going to happen. You don't know anything about it. So you've jumped back a week and your goal is to win the lotto. But the problem is

there can't be two of you. People will have questions. It'll be a whole fucking mess. So you get to win the lotto. You can do it. But you have to fucking murder yourself. And dispose of the body in a way that doesn't invite questions because no one will believe you that the person you've killed was you they'll just throw you in prison yeah what the what just happened okay this is what you asked for you're it's a week ago you're a millionaire and there's blood all over your fucking car is this what the writer's room for ant-man and the quantum alien felt like all right time for

my second question. Second question. So are you guys mourning people? My life, because I had to kill myself in the past. Am I mourning anyone? I don't think he meant mourning as in, are you mourning people? I'm going to go ahead and... Wait, what's up? Did everybody know that?

Everybody knew how you felt. I'm sorry. We ahead and... What's up? Everybody know that? Everybody know how you feel? I'm sorry. We have truly just met. No, I'm not asking, are you grieving right now? Didn't get that deep. You know what? It was because of the story about killing myself. You go ahead.

You answer first. And I'm going to see how you answer. How long have you been here? Yeah. I, no, I like the evening. What's the next question? I'm doing great. I want to see if he will understand the next one.

You planning on doing any spring cleaning? What do you think that means, Gerard? So I had two thoughts that went in my head. It was real fast. First one was, oh, he means like clean the house. The second one was, does he mean do I want to kill somebody? Like a euphemism. Like do some spring cleaning.

It's got to be the first because the second one is too wild. So I will clean my house. Yeah, I'm going to clean my house on March 22nd. You have a date picked out? That's what spring hits. I got to tell you something. I believed you until you gave us a date. Time to get out those mops, everyone.

Wait a second. Because there's a dead body. Because, lest we forget, this segment is very clearly about what? Spring cleaning. Spring cleaning. That's what this is about? And you know it, and we both know it. We talked about spring cleaning.

A whole bunch of spring cleaning. So we're going to help tonight's audience scrub off the musty residue of their past selves and emerge fresh and clean into 2023. Anyone who wants to cleanse their dirty laundry from this winter by getting something off their chest, please raise your hand. Remember, this is your dirty laundry,

not, say, your co-workers' or your boss's dirty laundry. We are scouring our own filthy souls, not dumping spaghetti sauce and red wine on them like this is an OxiClean commercial. So if you like something you want to get off your chest, you can do it anonymously and make up a name. This is your moment, and we'll comment or help you through it. We promise it won't be about time travel.

I will not promise. I don't know where we're going to take it. Hi. Alright, time for some spring cleaning. What do you need to get off your chest? I had a friend who was my friend for like, really close friends for like five years

and we went through a lot together and she just all of a sudden stopped returning my texts and i guess what i want to get off my chest is like fuck you man that was a really shitty way to end a beautiful friendship that sucks that really sucks. She loved alcohol more than she liked our friendship, I guess. Wait, hold on a second. Well, wait, wait a second. Wait.

Wait a second. Seems like Maeve stumbled across a villain in her own story. Yeah. Wait a second. I was going to say, Jonathan, have you ever been ghosted by a friend? I've been ghosted by acquaintances. I you ever been ghosted by a friend? I've been ghosted by like acquaintances. I've never been ghosted by like a close friend. I have been ghosted by people where I thought we were friends.

And then I like showed up to L.A. and I was like, I'm here. And they didn't respond. And I was like, oh, that's where our friendship is. Nowhere. So I did cut them out of my life. I'm here, John. Thanks, Jara. I appreciate that.

Yeah. Wow. You're friends. And if you ever ghost me. Wait a second. Sometimes I've had to go to a wedding and realize I'm being seated with the second cousins and the old high school teachers to be like, oh, not as close as I thought. Question for you.

Yes. Have you considered sending a message that says, I'm worried about you. I thought we were close. It makes me sad to know that we're not friends. And if you need anything and if you're going through something, I'm here no matter what. Yeah, I essentially center that. All right. Well, then that does suck.

All right. Next person. All right. We're back on board with you. Yeah. Damn. Draw, have you ever been ghosted by a friend? Oh, crap.

I've been the friend that ghosted a friend. Oh, that's tough. Wait, no, but hear me out. Hear me out. Hear me out. They sucked. No, they didn't suck. I had a friend, okay, was a good friend from middle school, and we were friends for a while.

But he would just call, and the thing is, I was like, oh, man, if I say I was here, he would just show up and just try to come in the back. He would just do stuff. So I'm like, hey man, I'm about to go see a movie. He'd just show up to the movie. I could be on a date. He'd just show up to the movie. One time I had a birthday party, but I only could have four people because my mom said, you got to pick your four closest

friends, okay? It wasn't me. I'm realizing that this, we thought this was an adult person's story. We did. We all thought that. Well, no, no. I wouldn't ghost somebody as an adult. Yeah, because you know. I wouldn't ghost somebody as an adult. Yeah, because, you know, the term ghosting didn't really... You're a young man, but you're not that young. We all got that one friend, okay?

All right, his name was... Don't say his name. But it's a cool name, though. All right. Well, okay. I'm going to say the last name, his last name. No. Wait, that's... That's the more unique part of the name that's why i love the name

you know what though i'm so sorry we're being rude i'll say his social security number last name is so cool you ever meet somebody with a name so cool you like damn you got a cool ass name yeah you got a name like that but it's okay fine i feel as though i was rude because we discovered midway that that was a story from your childhood but we still want to hear the end you had four people to pick your mom was taking you perhaps to a chucky cheese so so we had a place called discovery zone yeah discovery zone okay but discovery zone now as an adult they used charge like $20 or something for like a kid if you had a party. So I had to have four friends.

So I picked, I can't say no names. No, why? Because you need the people. People need to know the names of the people. Fine, I won't say the names. I got to pick Mark, Chuck, Jamal. And Leroy. I do appreciate the name Scott Blacker. I do.

But I had to leave. I had to leave. Derek. Todd. Todd. Okay. But Todd found out and Todd showed up. Well, Todd was hurt.

And then did your mom pay for him to come in? Yes. Oh, that's nice of you. No, it ain't. You know, because you know what happened? My mom petty. My mom paid. And she was super nice about it.

But she was like, remember when we was going to KB Toys? Todd took your KB Toys. That is perfectly petty. It's so petty. I didn't tell Todd to come because I didn't tell anybody at recess. Right? Because I was like, hey, man, this is perfectly petty. It's so petty. I didn't tell Todd to come because I didn't tell anybody at recess, right? Because I was like, hey, man, this is a secret. This is a secret party because my mom gave me little cards. It was like Willy Wonka tickets.

So we had little Willy Wonka tickets. That is so sweet and sad. I think perhaps it's time for a second question. Hello. Hi. Let's do some spring cleaning. What do you got? So I moved to California 10 years ago for a job that I believed very strongly in and I started to become disillusioned during the pandemic and I realized that the company that I had worked for my entire career

and really respected was like just like every other trillion dollar company and actually really bad and anti-union. And I'm pretty ingrained in it. And I'm also like not doing a ton. So I have a lot of free time and I want to do something meaningful with my life. I have some serious golden handcuffs and I can't afford to live where I live without working for this company. But I really want to do something that matters with the time that I have.

I have to wiggle my mouse from 9 to 5 but I can do things on my laptop. What can I do to be better for the world when the world is so messed up right now? God, that was beautiful. First of all do you have a roomba because i think if you just put the mouse on the roomba

it'll move the thing around it'll jiggle you just got to get something jiggling i hear that i get that i get that i would focus on a specific thing just like find a cause that you really really care about and then find an organization that does really great work in that. You can donate your golden handcuff money there and also donate your time to it. Go to votesaveamerica.com and sign the fuck up.

Sabotage the company from the inside. Sabotage them! I don't know what company it is, but God damn it, you go inside, wiggle the keyboard and shit, fuck them up. Hell yeah.

And then go vote Save America. There we go, we did it. Thank you. Let's do one more. Hi, what's your name? And let's do some spring cleaning. Hi, my name is Tracy. And I've had a very unfulfilling sex life lately.

Oh, shit. This is real. This is not a closet. This is real. This is real. I just looked right at you. I'm so sorry, bro. I was like, oh, shit.

He rices my husband. Oh, he right there. No. I'm his brother. Oh, thank God. Well, that's your problem. I'm so sorry. That's your problem right there He's like don't worry

It's awkward for a completely different reason You guys gotta break up This is gross I'm sorry I'm sorry What's up I guess I went through a breakup last year, early last year.

And then I've been going on dates. And then the last person that I really had an interest in, I was really kind of in love with this person. And they had sex with me and ghosted me. Oh, that's tough. And that was the first person you were in love with

since the long relationship? Yeah. That doesn't count. You're right. That's just your brain. That's just your brain. You're all right. They don't matter.

The first one you're just going to glom onto, like a barnacle on a ship. The ship can be any ship. The barnacle doesn't care how nice a ship it is. You're just like, oh my God, a ship. Then you've got to fall off and become a swan. I don't know. Yeah. That's a goodan. I don't know. Yeah.

That's a good ghost. You're good. That wasn't going to work. That was the rebound. You're fine. I have to keep telling myself that or I'll go crazy. Yeah. And so then I tried hooking up with somebody just like to get something out there because I was in a terrible rut.

And just two pumps and done. No! Ouch. You know, I heard in France that's a compliment, you know? It's like a... It's another way to look at it. Oh, man, I'm so excited to be here.

You know? But you know when that happens? The next time that happens, and this is not to cut you off, I learned this. When I was in high school, we had counselors that were young and kind of right out of college. And I had a counselor who was like, hey man, every man has a BDR.

And I was like, what does that mean? He was like, that's a bad dick report. And that's when you get a two-pump situation. And he goes, if you do that, you cannot be a selfish man. You have to eat if you do that, you cannot be a selfish man. You have to eat until you can recuperate. Because no one, his big thing was like,

no one should go to bed sad. Okay? So the next time that happens, you should just grab his ass by the neck and say, uh-uh, you not done here, sir. And then you push his head down. Okay?

I'm going to go back in the past and tell my past self that. There you go. Time travel. Yeah. We brought it back. It's full circle. Time travel.

And look, in conclusion, be open to love. Should we do one more? Let's do one more. Let's go to Leroy. Ultimate Jewish guilt yeah I lost my mother's ashes we were spring cleaning

and we thought we knew where they were they're not my dog and my mother are gone and I'm sorry to ask this were your dog and mother

in one they were next to each other in the closet in the closet side by side so this is more of a story about Too strong of a spring cleaning Yes

How recently did this happen? We realized it Like two weeks ago when we were cleaning And they're gone We've looked everywhere We cannot find them Well They weren't really in there, you know

So it's kind of okay It was really kind of a totem of remembrance so maybe you can like call something else that and then remember that the physical dust was nothing just a way of making ourselves feel better about the loss of a soul

which can't be found in the physical body after death the thing is he looked up so terrified he looked up like I don't know what's happening stop there was a certain cry of help in the voice as I'm just saying

I have the approach of a Klingon once you're dead out the side of the fucking airlock yeah you're gone sorry why not though right why not have another thing to remember them by because ultimately that is what you were doing, which is just remembering them. And then maybe having them in a place of more honor, I guess,

so that you don't lose it in the next spring cleaning. Which is not your fault. And also, this has been an ad for Apple AirTags. And we want to thank Apple AirTags for sponsoring Love It or Leave It. Don't lose something important to you, like your car keys or your dog's ashes or your mother's ashes or both.

Apple AirTags. You can also use it to follow a woman. I got a theory for you. Oh, no. No, don't say, oh, God, I ain't say nothing yet. It's for real. Let's hear it. They ghosts.

Now, hear me out. Hear me out. Okay? I like where this is going, I think. Because if the metal tin is gone, no sign. You don't see ashes anywhere, no sign. They in the house. All right?

Like, they in the house. When you're like, hey, what's that? Is somebody downstairs? Yeah, they downstairs. Okay. When you're like, the mailman is like,

hey, you got a new dog? No, it's your old dog. Okay. All right. When you're like, who keeps telling me how to clean the house? It's your mom and your aunt

being like, you really not gonna scrub that floor like that? That's what I'm saying. They in the house. Betsy your mom and your dad being like, you really not going to scrub that floor like that? That's what I'm saying. They're in the house. Betsy, I'm sorry that that happened to you. And I'm sympathetic. And even though what I said was maybe callous. I guess that was the ultimate ghosting.

Wow. Y'all on a roll today. Betsy. Wow. As the old saying goes, your mother's ashes are always in the last place youy. Wow. Wow. As the old saying goes, your mother's ashes are always in the last place you look. Man.

Everybody a part of the show tonight. That was great. That was great. What a deep spring cleaning. Yeah. And this was a segment about spring cleaning.

Thank you so much to Jonathan Jara. This was so much fun. They'll be back, but go listen to Black Men Can't Jump in Hollywood. When we come back,

we thank the Academy. Well, you guys stick around. You guys stick around. You guys stick around. We'll stick around. We'll stay on the couch. That was great. And we're back.

Just a quick reminder that our special bonus episode with the cast of Hulu's new limited series History of the World Part 2, the hysterical sequel to Mel Brooks' 1981 film, dropped in your podcast feeds this past Monday, March 6th.

Download to listen to us rant about the hottest, most timely headlines of the past 50 to 2,000 years. Welcome back to the stage, Jenny Yang, Giovanni, and Louis Vertel to join Gerard and Jonathan for this year's first annual Love It or Leave It award show, The Lovies, and joining us on stage is this year's first annual Love It or Leave It award show, The Lovies,

and joining us on stage is this year's Little Miss Love It or Leave It producer and colleague, Brian Semel. I have in my hands this year's winners. Guys, give it up for... Our first award, and the award for... Our first award, and the award for salad destroyer, goes to Louis.

Thank you so much. I would like to thank the crew of Sweetgreen who are constantly in disbelief that I want two salads. And the reason I want two salads is they have specifically designed it so that one is exactly not enough food. If you have ever had a salad at Sweetgreen

and thought to yourself, that was fulfilling, you are not a person. You are at most a koala. They look at me and they say, do you really want to spend, that's right, $41 on this? Are you sure you want to eat all this?

And also, are you stupid? And I have to say, I have, the miso bowl is meant to be it should be a pile of food not just a bowl of food thank you so much and i deserve it and the award for most appreciative of italian food after returning from a trip to italy it's Jenny Yang. This is amazing. Thank you, John. I just want to thank the Academy for awarding me this. I truly

went to Italy for the first time in November, and I came back completely fetishizing Italian culture. Thank you for allowing an Asian to do that to Western culture. Thank you for letting me culturally appropriate. I thought I knew Italian food until I went to that country, and I truly became enamored.

I came home, and immediately I bought an outdoor pizza oven. The music. That is literally my entire personality right now. Thank you so much! Oh, my God! Thank you, Jenny. And the award for most real and justified parasocial love for Pedro Pascal, it goes to John Lovett. Award for most real and justified parasocial love for Pedro Pascal.

It goes to John Lovett. There's a lot of people out there who think they know Pedro Pascal just because he's funny and charming and handsome and has queer energy. And they think somehow that they can tell that they would be really great together and have a really fun time at a dinner and just have a conversation that never ends. And they're wrong. Because that's me.

Thank you. Do you know Pedro Pascal was on the MTV show Undressed? Yes. In the early 2000s or whatever. Look it up. It's worth it. Wait, is that the one where it was like three stories that were always overlapping and one every six was gay? Yeah, and also like the segments are like six seconds long a piece.

Yeah, it was MTV attention spans. Yes, and that show had gay kisses, but they weren't allowed to do the close-up. So anytime two straight people kissed, it was a close-up of two people kissing. But whenever a gay couple kissed, they went, like, down the fucking hall. And the award for angriest at Chris Rock when there are obviously more important things going on in the world,

it's Kendra. Thank you, thank you, thank you. As someone whose favorite movie in 2001 was Down to Earth, I did not think that I would be accepting this award. My first introduction to Jennifer Coolidge. I was going to say thank you to Chris Rock for his rants against wokeness, his divulging of his daughter's being kicked out of private school, which is really traumatic, and a whole bunch of other things. private school, which is like really traumatic, and a whole bunch of other things. But I just wanted to take a moment to acknowledge how we got to his terrible special in the first place,

which goes back all the way to 1993. Bear with me for a second. This is time travel. Okay. In 1993, Denzel Washington was nominated for? Oh, Malcolm X. Thank you. Yes. Okay. Who won that year? Oh, Al X. Thank you. Yes. Okay. Who won that year? Oh, Al Pacino, Son of a Woman. Thank you.

So, okay. That was a seminal performance. Denzel Washington should have won Best Actor that year. Denzel Washington is then nominated again, I think, in 1998?

Best Actor, Hurricane? Oh, it's 99, yeah. Thank you, 99. Was nominated again in 1999. He loses again. Whatever. That's fine. It's the least of the performances that he has nominated for. No. It's the second best performance he's nominated for. He's then nominated again in 2001

and wins for? Training Day, of course. Thank you. Nominated against, and then who wins Best Actress that year? Halle Berry. Thank you. And that is the narrative that the Academy wanted to portray. And what I want to say is also nominated in 2001 was Will Smith for? Ali. That is the year that Will Smith should have won his Academy Award.

He does not win that year. Will Smith then spends the next decades chasing that Academy Award. If we had just given Will Smith, and I want to say not just Will Smith, but people of color in general, the awards that they fucking deserve when they are nominated for them, rather than their white peers thinking that, oh, they haven't earned this yet. They're new to the scene. Let's give them a few years. Let's make them earn it. That's how we fucking get Angela Bassett nominated for fucking Black Panther when she should have won for. What's Love Got to Do With It?

Thank you. Yes. Of course. All right. So. Don't. I have your job. Welcome.

I can have your. I can have your job. Yeah. have your, I can have your job. Um, yeah. So what I just wanted to emphasize here is that if we just give people of color what they deserve, give them their things when they deserve them. If we don't just reserve years for people like this year is clearly like Asian Americans year. And I think it's great that Michelle Yeoh, no, it's amazing. I love that Michelle Yeoh is probably going to get that Oscar. I love that Ki Hai Kwong is probably going to get that Oscar.

But if we open it up where they can be nominated in every year and not just the year when people think this is the right, this is the cool thing to do, maybe we avoid niggas getting slapped on stage. That's all I'm saying. Thank you. Thank you, Kendra.

Love it. And the award for the king of short kings. You haven't heard who won yet. Come on, I'm the shortest king on this stage. Sorry, go ahead. I'm ready. Draw it's yours. Woo!

We did it! I like to accept this award for every man under six foot. People don't understand our struggle, okay? On dating apps, we got to lie, and you get kicked off the dating app. But you know what we can do? We can go on a plane, all right? We can go on a plane, and we ain't got to get extra seating, all right? We can just kick our legs.

Let me tell you why. Because those tall motherfuckers, they stiff, okay? And I always put my seat back so their knees can't move because they too goddamn tall, all right? We can get in convertibles, all right? And we can stretch the fuck out, all right? Because we got little legs so we can do shit, okay? When somebody tall tries to mess with you,

you can punch them in the gut because you really close to their gut because they tall as shit, all right? And no, I'm not done. I'm not done. All right? And so what? You know what? We're tall enough to ride on the ride. Okay? All right? And it's a big deal because when you're little and you're a little kid,

you don't think you'll be able to get on that ride because you ain't growing like the rest of the kids because the rest of the kids can get on the ride. But you got to get on. You got to get some print-style boots to get on the ride. But you can get on the ride. But you got to get some print-style boots to get on the ride. But you can get on that ride, okay? You get on. You blocking the light.

We did it. That was really moving to me. Thank you. I had to put a stack of napkins in my shoes so that I could ride the rides. Because I really wanted to ride the rides. I get that, man. I used to put two Dr. Scholl's heels in the heel, and that way your feet are off,

so you kind of could be on your tippy toes in your shoe, give you extra three inches. Yeah. Meanwhile, I've been this height since I was 11. Lucky. Wait, napkins in your shoes, was this also during the Great Depression? Lucky.

Wait, napkins in your shoes. Was this also during the Great Depression? Yes, we were riding the rails. My family of vaudeville performers traveling from town to town. The good old days. And now, the award for the best one-liner in a movie. This goes to Jonathan.

Congratulations. I've never spoken more than one line in a movie before. Where to? Home. I'm going home woman I don't know where the fuck you live oh I'm sorry can I go to

it's really yeah I mean you know it was funny because it's like I went into the audition and I said that line and they they were like, that's funny. And then I did it. And now people will not stop sending me TikToks of myself saying that line.

The great thing is I don't get residuals for it. But a lot of people have seen my face and don't know my name. Guys, thank you so much for this award. Congratulations. Congratulations. And now the award for best kiss of 2002, it goes to Giovanni. Wow. Wow, wow, wow.

Oh, my gosh. Wow. I didn't understand the assignment. And I am not into follow-up questions. I am just so proud to have won Best Kiss of 2002. I thought for sure it was going to go to Spider-Man or American Pie 2. go to Spider-Man or American Pie 2. But no, it went to me. And it is just an honor to be half black and half Asian and to finally get what we deserve. Finally!

This is for all of us. I understand this segment. Wow, that was incredible. Thank you so much. And that was the lovies. When we come back, we'll end on a high note. And we're back. Because we all need it this week, here it is, the high note.

Hi, Lovett. This is Heather. I'm an internal medicine resident in New Hampshire. And my high note of this week, and maybe even this year, was that on my one day off and a 12-day stretch, I went with a couple of my co-residents to testify at the New Hampshire State Capitol against some anti-trans bills that are being proposed. It was an awesome experience. I got to share about my brother, Justin, who happens to be trans and all the support that the medical community has for

trans people and trans children. So I'm just really glad that we did it. It was an amazing experience. I listen to your show every week. And I think without that motivation that I get from listening to you, I don't think I would have done it. So thank you for all you do. Hi, Lovett. This is Rachel from Minneapolis. And my high note for this week is that by the time this episode airs, I'll be in Denver paying a surprise visit to my very good friend Katie to celebrate the fact that she just completed her PhD in molecular biology.

I know you had a PhD high note last week too. So tis the season, I guess. Katie has been one of my favorite people on this earth since I met her at 10 years old. And now at 27, she's just earned the doctor title and it's just mind blowing, simply amazing. After being so many miles apart for the past few years, I'm just excited to hug her and be able to cheers to all of the amazing work that she's going to do in the world of cancer research. I also have her to thank for introducing me to Love It or Leave It. So obviously her impact on my life has been immeasurable. I love you and congratulations, Dr. Hoff, and thanks, Love It, for the laughs every week. Hey, Love It. My name's Daniel. I'm in Houston, Texas,

and I just got done listening to your most recent episode with Ms. Pat, and she had me rolling. But my high note is that I just recently started a new job out here in Houston, and I am working with a team that is helping to make sure that homeless veterans and other disenfranchised groups can get into internships with ABA. groups can get into internships with ABA. And it feels good to be able to not only fill my bank account, which has finally helped me feel above water, but also to fill my heart with a worthy cause. Thank you for being part of my moral compass and love the show. Love you guys. Have a good one. Hi, I love it. My name is Heather and I live in Washington state. My high note is that I've been working with a group of excitable eighth grade students that were disturbed to find out Washington has no minimum age to marry as long as a judge signs off. We've been working it through the state legislature and tonight it passed the Washington state house unanimously.

listeners who live in Washington state should definitely contact their state senators and encourage them to do in child marriage together. We can finally get this done. Thanks for all you do and have a great week. Thanks to everybody who sent in a high note tonight. If you want to leave us a message about something that gave you hope, call us at 3, 2, 3, 5, 3, 8, 2, 3, 7, 7. That is our show. Thank you so much to Jonathan Braylock, That is our show. Thank you so much to Jonathan Braylock, Jerome Milligan, Jenny Yang, Giovanni, Louis Vertel, Kendra James. There are 605 days until 2024 elections.

Have a great night. Thanks for coming out and have a great weekend. Love It or Leave It is a Crooked Media production. It is written and produced by me, John Lovett, and Lee Eisenberg. Kendra James is our executive producer. Brian Semel is our producer. And Malcolm Whitfield is our associate producer. Hallie Keeper is our head writer. Sarah Lazarus, Jocelyn Kaufman, Poulavi Gunalan, Peter Miller, Rebecca Kaplan, Alan Pierre, and Chandler Dean are our writers. Bill Lance is our editor.

And Kyle Seglin and Stephen Colon are our audio engineers. Our theme song is written and performed by Sure Sure. Thanks to our designers, Jesse McLean and Caroline Haywood, for creating and running all of our visuals, which you can't see because this is a podcast, and to our digital producers, Zuri Irvin, Milo Kim, Mia Kelman, and Matt DeGroote for filming and editing video each week so you can. You can find those glorious videos at our YouTube page,

youtube.com slash at Love It or Leave It podcast. Who do we have to kill to get that name? Subscribe to Love It or Leave It on YouTube for access to video versions of your favorite segments and other exclusive content. Don't forget to follow us at Crooked Media on IG and Twitter. And if you are as opinionated as we are, consider dropping us a review.