Lovett or Leave It - Trump Kills the World Cup Vibe

Episode Date: July 8, 2026

Belgium throws a red card in Trump’s face and Democrats show Graham Platner the door. Then, Dana Gould and Alanna Ubach take us behind the scenes from “The Brady Bunch Movie” to “The Ben Stiller Show.” Plus, how DO you kill a vampire? The answer may surprise you.For a transcript of this episode, please email [e-mail].

Hey, did you hear? Watermelon is back at booster juice all summer long. Nice. I love the watermelon explosion. And the watermelon wave. Yep. They even got a new watermelon assaye bowl this year. The one in a melon bowl. And what does that sound like? Like that. Booster Juice. Canadian born, blending since 1999. What's up, Los Angeles? Welcome to love it or leave it.

I'm from Hollywood. I'm John Lovett and Taylor Swift. Copied my wedding. It was my idea to invite celebrities. We've got a great show for you tonight, but first, let's get into it. What a week. The World Cup. Trump may have wrecked America's 250th birthday, the National Mall,

and the experience of seeing a person in any red baseball cap out of distance. But the World Cup was a bright spot at a dark summer as fans visiting from all over the world discovered ranch dressing and Waffle House. and the powerful air conditioners that help us survive the summer

on a diet of ranch dressing and waffle house. And then last Wednesday, Flo Balligan, the U.S. men's team's top score received a red card in the game against Bosnia after stepping on a defender's ankle. Just as an aside, I love how soccer incentivizes these big, dramatic performances from injured players, the tears, the crying out to the heavens,

the rending of garments. Try giving birth, fellas. As the women cheer and carry me off on their shoulders. Balagan was suspended for the following game, where the U.S. would face mighty Belgium. FIFA officials told reporters that the suspension could not be appealed.

But it turns out that FIFA rules are a lot like the front lines in World War I. They seem immovable when it involves Germans and French, and then America shows up late guns blazing. On Thursday, Trump called FIFA President Gianni Infantino, which is Italian for giant babies, and asked him to review balligan suspension. Trump also threatened to invade Karg Island

unless Infantino opened up the Strait of Hormuz, but it was late and Trump is not great after dark anymore. Infantino has spent years sucking up to Trump. FIFA rented office space in Trump Tower, which has sat basically unused. Infantino also awarded Trump the made-up and embarrassing FIFA Peace Prize. And then on Sunday, FIFA made a stunning announcement

Ballagant would be allowed to play against Belgium. After all, the first time a red card had been overturned at the World Cup since 1962. The Belgians were furious, though it is hard to tell, because it's impossible to look angry while eating a waffle. Think about it. On Monday, Trump said he had nothing to do with the decision, but confirmed he called in Fantina. I understand sports really well, really well.

And that wasn't a foul. That wasn't even an infraction. No, these were two great athletes that got tangled up. And this referee who is a little bit suspect? If you check his past, I don't want to say that because I don't like to create controversy. But very suspect. If you'd like, I'll provide you with the past. Trump said that like he bumped into the ref on Epstein's Island.

The president, who, as he said, understands sports really well, continued. He didn't do anything wrong, and he's our best player or one of our best plays. It's a very vital player. And he gave him a red card. I didn't know what that meant. I didn't think it meant much. Then I started hearing that that means he can't play in the next game. That's very unfair.

That's, you know, it's one thing to penalize somebody for the game. But how do you penalize them for a game that hasn't been played yet? It's very unfair. You can't do that. So, yes, I asked for a review by FIFA. So that starts with Trump having a problem with this specific issuance of the red card. Then Trump seems to have a problem with the existence of the red card generally. By the end, Trump questions the abstract concept of punishment itself.

How do you penalize someone for a game that hasn't been played yet? You can't punish people. in the past, that's not how time works. That's how time cop works. That's not how time works. Look, the red card was unfair. So, in this instance, Trump used his corrupt influence for good.

But does that make it okay? Yes. I'm sorry, but you want Belgium to have an advantage beyond the protected estuary that has allowed Antwerp to become a global shipping hub? And sure, Trump's intervention has totally obliterated the international goodwill we generated

during our time hosting the World Cup. But that's not on us. Oh, visitors came to our shores, lulled into a sense of belonging by America's grandeur and sense of possibility, only to be shocked by our sociopathic ambition and competitiveness just beneath the surface. That's our whole thing.

The land of opportunity, where no dream or hospital bill is too big. Welcome to America, bitches. Anyway, we lost a Belgium four to one. Fuck. The official account for the Belgian team posted a picture of their victory over the caption, overturned this.

In a lighthearted response, the U.S. military has destroyed the city of Brussels. Here's the Belgian team celebrating their victory with a not-so-settled dig at Trump. Got him. Trump hasn't been this embarrassed in a locker room since that time he accidentally hit on a misty.

USA's mom. Thought she was one of the contestants. In less sporting news, Maine's hugely important center race was upended yet again, this time by a credible allegation that the Democratic Party's nominee, Oyster Farmer and Scandal officiantado, Graham Platner, committed sexual assault in 2021. A former partner of Platner and a Democrat who actually

had hoped to avoid going public told Politico that he forced her to have sex with him despite her repeated objections, a claim backed up by emails with her therapist, and messages warning and acquaintance about Plattner back in 2023. Platner denied the allegations. I wanted to directly address the troubling, serious, and false allegations against me. Man, Bill Clinton really was one of a kind, wasn't he? He made you feel like you were the only person in the room he was lying to.

Platner weathered scandals around his Reddit posts and the Nazi tattoo he got while serving in the military. Polls showed that voters preferred Platner to Maine's governor, 78-year-old Janet Mills, who suspended her campaign rather than lose her last race. And Twist, it turns out, this was the 178-year-old politician who should have hung on to the bitter fucking end. In January, Plattner was asked directly on CNN if there would be any more scandals. Are there other skeletons from your past

that still may emerge in this race? No. My life is not very complicated, and no, there is not anything else coming. Huh, skeletons. No skeletons, said Plattener, seen here in his backyard. For those listening, it's a photo of Ray Fines, and 28 years later, colon, the bone temple.

Safe to say, Platner wasn't honest in that interview. He also wasn't honest about the tattoo when he claimed on Ponce of America to have only recently learned what it meant. He wasn't honest when he reassured Senate Democrats in June that there wouldn't be credible allegations of assault, and it's hard to believe he's being honest now when the

allegations suggest Plattner may have been too drunk to even remember what he had done. So while Plattner has not yet officially dropped out his statement suggests he will. Regardless of the inaccuracy of the reporting, but mindful of the political reality will inflict. We are taking the time to reflect on the best path forward for the state that I love,

the people that I love, the movement I belong to, and the goal of defeating Susan Collins. What a disaster. Covered up that Nazi tattoo for nothing. There will be people online who will say they were right about Grand Platner all along, and to them I say, congratulations, your medals are in the mail.

The problem is, If Graham Plattenor was always unacceptable, the alternative was seen as even less acceptable by actual voters. Maine had to choose between a scandal-plagued candidate who challenged the establishment versus a boring and uninspired candidate who represented the establishment. And that should be a false choice.

This is America. We don't even accept having to choose between Pizza Hut and Taco Bell, despite our doctor's tearful warnings. Every prominent Democrat has called on Platner to withdraw from the race, and as long as he drops out by Monday, July 13th, he can be replaced on the ballot.

But who will replace him and how will that person be chosen? Nobody knows. Among the names are Janet Mills, who seem barely interested in running in the first place. Maine public health official, Nirov Shah and state senator and logger, Troy Jackson, both of whom lost their runs for governor and Secretary of State Shunabellos, who previously lost to Collins in 2014 by 37 points. But you know what they say in Maine? A loser is just a winner who hasn't won yet.

They don't say that. They say, give me that lobster. And, oh, we don't have many of you around here. And is that Stephen King? Oh, no, that's a lobster. We don't have many of you around here. That's about Jews, if that, does that come across? Until then, as I've said, from the very beginning,

Janet Mills is 78, but a young 78. Let's go, Janet. And finally, Taylor Swift and Travis Kelsey tied the knot at an intimate at 1,000-person wedding inside New York's Madison Square Garden, it ended with a judgment in Swift's favor, and Kelsey was T-K-Oed in the third round. All right, we have got a great show for you tonight. Alana UBach and Dana Goulder here,

and we'll be right back. Hey, don't go anywhere. There's more of Love It or Leave It coming up. Love It is brought to you by Simply Safe. It's summertime, and a lot of us are packing up for long weekend, getaways of vacations. Believing your home unattended can bring a lot of unwanted anxiety. That's why you need Simply Save to secure your home.

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Plus, the first Gen Z member of Congress, Maxwell Frost is here. And next week will be joined by the great David Wayne and Joe La Truglio and other special guests. All right. My guest tonight have been in everything you've ever seen, and they were phenomenal. Put your hands together for Alana Youbach and Dana Gould.

Oh. We know, you have the miss. Hi. Hi. You have the misfortune. What is it? We know each other. I like it.

Well, because first of all, you're in TED together. We are in TED together, and we live in the same neighborhood. You live in real life? We live in the same neighborhood. Really? Mm-hmm. And I have had to take several medications because of this one. Oh, really?

No. I wonder what kind of medications that would be. Alana and Dana, you both have IMDB pages longer than Taylor Swift's wedding guest list. But unlike Taylor's wedding, I'm here. And to kick off. So we're going to kick it off with a classic love it or leave it game. It's called Was I in this? That's exciting.

Here's how it works. Alana and Dana will take turns asking you our beautiful studio audience about specific roles from their long and story TV and film work. Raise your hand if you'd like to try your luck answering a question. Here's your cards, Alana and Dana, here are your cards.

Thank you. Okay, Alana, why don't you kick us off? What was your name, sir? I'm Robert. Robert. Alani, want to ask him the question? Yes, fella. True or false?

I portrayed a closeted lesbian in 1995. the Brady Bunch movie, True. Well, that's... Oh, shit! I'm so sorry! Would you have known? Yes. Okay. Yes.

No, no, you did great. You did great. No, no, stay. Please, stay. I'm not going to mess up the next time. No, you did great. It's funny that it happened. Well, there's another question on this one for the next person.

True or false? What else? Wait, yeah, do the next one. Do that one. Don't take this the wrong way, Alana, but your very existence is an offense against nature. Wait, I want to talk about the Brady Wunch movie. Okay.

So you were Marcia's closeted friend. That was, I feel like there's a lot of gay kids, that that was like a seminal experience. I really do. That was a big deal, that you played a gay character in that movie in 1995. And I was madly in love with Christine Taylor, who was married to Ben Stiller.

and you have that Ben Stiller vibe, good-looking, very intellectual. That's so nice. No, it's a compliment I tell you. I mean, I accept it as such. I was supposed to be in love with him in Meet the Foggers as well. I had his baby. Wow. So I got, I got both of them.

A little polyamorous action there. And I got paid for it. Do you think that today Marsha would be by? Would Marsha be by? And just lead you on, but in a by way? Like, you know what I mean? Like, she's oblivious in the film. It works because.

she's from another era and you're a lesbian which is modern in 1995 or whatever but marcia couldn't know because she was a creature from another time she really was but today she'd just be uh kind of lead you on but in a by way 100% and jan would be a day oh yeah she would definitely be a day for sure that's what she's got that thing for that's what they've been searching for we oh yeah do one do the next one and then we'll go to yes would anyone like to uh guess someone else raise your hand and i'll give you the answer i promise this is going great here let's go to betsy in the front row. True or false. I played Paulette Bonafonte and legally blonde and legally blonde two, red, white, and blonde. False. Woo! You got it. You got it. And you won. That was Jennifer

Coolidge's character. You were the friend Serena McGuire. That was from a time when it was a big deal for a woman to be a lawyer. Back in the mid-200, like a woman lawyer with blonde hair and a lawyer. With blonde hair, a woman, lawyer. Wow. And she's kept surprising them by being good at it. Right? That's the twist in Legally Blonde is she's good at it. She's a smart wife. She's good at it.

It's funny. What, but she's good at it? Dana, why don't you do a question? What's your name? My name is Mirath. Nice to meet, Ibo. Mayerah, Dana, ask a question. Hi, Mira.

Hi. True or false? I played Paul Reiser's childhood friend Frankie in an episode of Mad About You, a sitcom in the 90s, when to turn the channel on your television set, you had to walk across the room and turn a knob with your hand like a monkey in a lab test trying to win a raisin.

Yeah, that was clearly before my time. Yes. I'm going to go with True. Mirror, that is false. You looked me in the eyes and lied. But I did play. fragile Frankie Merman in an episode

of the television series Seinfeld. So you dug a hole in that episode. I did. And then you wrote a Simpsons episode also about digging a hole.

I did. So you're a big hole guy. And it gets worse. And then I created a show called Stan Against Evil and my character was a grave digger. And none of those things

were intentional. But you step back and you look and there's something going on. There's something about you and getting into just digging. Something like digging in dirt in the earth.

Get him into earth. I can't wait to die. And yet I don't want to be buried. And yet I don't. I've told my children when I die, I want my remains scattered along Mulholl and drive. Huh. But I don't want to be cremated.

So just bits. Chunks. Just chunks. Fingers. I want a coyote walking on the street with a hand in its mouth. Been dead two weeks and I'm still on the neighborhood watch. And do you care if it's North of the road or south the road? Do you mind if it's in the valley? I wanted to be north of the road.

Technically the valley. Technically you'll be in the, you'll be, you'll have been disposed of in the valley. I'm 818 for life. Okay. Okay. All right. All right. It's hotter. I love the valley. I prefer the valley. I really do. Speaking of. All righty. Who's next? Hey, my name is Paul. Paul? True or false? I performed the role of Judge Janine Piroe in 2019's bombshell. True. So talk about getting into character to play Judge Janine. It was all about the eyelashes. It was eyelashes and then the character comes alive.

That was all it took in a little box and opened them. And then we pulled them out, put a little glue on the eyelids at 4 o'clock in the morning, then put them back up. And I was her. And that was it. That's all it took. Wow. Yeah.

It was something else. No, I just watched a lot of YouTube and that was it. A glass of wine at a lot of the last. 11 a.m. Get into character a little bit. Seven, seven, seven glasses.

A couple boxes. Just a couple of boxes. Hey, did you ever talk to her? Did she ever reach out to you after? No, she never did. I wonder why. Wait, Dave,

Wilford Brimley's in your episode of Seinfeld. Yes, and I played him on the Ben Stiller show. What? We filmed a block and a half up the street, so it all comes full circle. I played Wilford Brimley on the Ben Stiler. a show and parodies of oatmeal commercials as funny today as they were then and and then and Wilford was famously a little bananas hmm and then when I met him on

Seinfeld I was afraid that he might murder me because my impression of him wasn't what one would call respectful in any way but he just stuck a bare paw and will Brimley and then I because he was one of those like you read about he was 26 when he made cocoon. Like, he was just always old and frightening. The ages of people in the films that I grew up watching where they were the old characters are net, like even the

Golden Girls is the same way. The cast of the cacoon was so young. The traveling Wilburys were in their late 20s. Yes. Yes. When they became a super group, it's like, oh, look at these decrepit crooners. It's like, those people are teenagers. Fuck. Wilford

Brimbley. It's fucked up. It's so true. I think it's that we look better because we drink more water. Sometimes I think it's that. Something clearly happened because I am far beyond where I can. I am now older than the age I used to put in scripts for people that were old. Now I have to like update it. She's an old woman, 107.

Like I have to just keep moving it farther away from my age. I don't think it's the water. I think it's the Botox. I think it's the Restolin. I think it's the Juvederm. And I think it is. Oh, should I get that? climb on Bedford Drive.

And I think it's those fellas. Man's a miracle worker. I put a little Juvederm in my coffee in the morning, and I find that that helps. I don't think you're supposed to drink it, but I don't think it hurt. You look like you're seven. Yeah, I look like I'm seven from the Juvederm.

I drink in my coffee. Yeah. You want to do one more? I want to do one more question. That was one of the many Q&ONN conspiracies. Give Mira a shot. That's good. That's perfect.

You guys ready? Good idea. Thank you for hosting. All right, you're doing great. I'm out of control. True or false? I lent my voice to many prostitute bystandards and grand theft auto five.

I got it. I got to. Ah! You saw my, he saw me going, well, that's weird. True, true. Ah! I won. I won!

What's that? What are those days like when you're going in to record the various conversation trees as a prostitute in grand theft auto five? Well, I'll tell you, Johnny. I was asked, at the last minute, I think I was, I think I was taking someone's place. Someone was sick. And so I walked in and for $223, I played all of the female characters in Grand Theft Auto.

Wow. Isn't that wild? It's a good thing. You better run. Not a lot of people bought it because it owed more money. I know. I just, I was like residuals. Keep the money.

What's funny math? Math is boring. Fuck. Tough business. A lot to think about. Was it a whole day? It must have been a lot of things. In and out in 30 minutes.

Wow. In and out in 30 minutes. Well, it's just, it was just like, look out. You know, stuff like that. You better run. Oddly the motto of many prostitutes. I'm on to you, man. Those used to be the, those are the auditions that I always used to have to go on.

when I thought I would be an actor. I was, okay, Dan, anytime. Jag, don't. Thank you. That's hard. That's hard to do just a little bits. No, it's actually incredibly difficult, yeah. I'd rather say a lot. Wait, Dan, do one more.

Do this one about Chip. Oh, true or false? By the way, the audience is looking at me like the jury and a trial I'm losing. True or false? I played Chip. played Chip, a wealthy member of the Wentworth family, visited by Roseanne, and season nine of ABC's Roseanne.

True. You got it. You got it. Season nine, season nine of Roseanne, is that after they won the lotto? I was after they win the lotto. And I was also in the last season of Seinfeld. I was like the grim reaper of every sitcom in the 90s. I would show up and they're like, all right, Dana's wrapped, break down the set.

Let's give them, like when they let me pitch on the last game, of Little League, even though I was terrible. That's your role in these shows. I literally come in with a siph and a cloak. Now, I'm here to play the neighbor. I have a theory, which is that Roseanne has become Rosie O'Donnell's Wario. What do you think about that? What was Roseanne like at the end of that show?

Well, here's a funny, she had sort of taken the reins of the show and chased John Goodman and several other actors off of the premises. And at one point, we were sitting there, and I was acting with Dina Merrill, who's a giant movie star, and we're just sitting there. And the director goes, you know, it would be good. And Roseanne goes, you're talking to me! And the rule was that the director was not allowed to talk to Roseanne. So he had to go through an intermediary. It was...

Sounds like a healthy environment. The wheels had come off. The wheels had come off. Yeah. I also just think creatively, it was a mistake for that family to win the lottery. Yeah. Because that was the whole thing. It's like, what are we doing?

Charming and endearing. Right. It's a little bit like, again, like the last season of Mad Men, there'd be like, no more ads. Yeah. Wait. No more affairs. Yeah.

We're going to keep it clean. It would be like, what if the Beverly Hillbillies were poor? Then it would be sad. Right. Right. Yeah. Yeah. We're not friends anymore.

Yeah. Down Sherlock Holmes. No one wants to see that. Yeah. You got to give the fake, do the thing the thing they came for. Does anyone know who murder this man? I'm stumped. I can't figure it out

Oh guys, I think we got the wrong guy All right, I'll be our back Hey, don't go anywhere There's more of Love It or Leave It coming up Love It or Leave It is brought you by Tommy John This summer, don't be that guy, you know the one The one who's sweating through his clothes And dealing with things sticking where they absolutely shouldn't

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Nice. I love the water. Watermelon explosion. And the watermelon wave. Yep. They even got a new watermelon assaye pool this year. The one in a melon bowl. And what does that sound like?

Mmm. Like that. Booster juice. Canadian born. Blending since 1999. How do the Adams family relate to the monsters? They were both on at the same time. That's insane.

1964. Yeah, no, it was crazy. That's crazy. Remember there was Armageddon and Deep Impact at the same time? Deep Impact was the sophisticated Armageddon. About like, no, not how they did it with the drills. We have a better way of doing it. Big and 18 again.

Oh, yeah. Big and 18 again. People have mediocre ideas at the same time. And vice versa. Remember vice versa? No. With Judge. How old are you?

I thought you were way younger than me. You're a little spring chicken. Oh. You got that juvoderm. I got that juvoderm. You drink that juvoderm. Are you 107? I'm 43 years old.

But I also, I've... He's older than Irene Ryan was at the end of Beverly Hillbillies. She was in early 30s. She was in early 30s on that show. All right, we're back. This is part of the show now. She also played Gidgett during the summer. So, and we'll get you back to your care center as soon as we can.

By the way, you're doing a great job as part of this effort to kind of get you out. into the world. I had I had jello today. Oh my God. My dad's 95. Your dad's 95. Still going.

Yeah, still going. Can't get close enough with a steak and a mallet. No, it's alarming. It is. No, it's alarming for sure. Steak in a mallet. Trying to understand.

It's like he's a vampire. Oh, I'm so stupid. No. I thought he was eating a steak. I thought he was eating a steak. No. He probably is right now, though. Steak in a mal. You know what it is? I don't think you don't need the mallet. They never have a mallet. You brought a mallet into it as if that's the, for the classic way of saying it. You know, you know, what's the guy? What's the guy, Val Helden Hellson? There's no fucking mallet. Yeah, he does. He's a steak. He has a mallet? I think you just jam it in there.

No, what do you war, warry it in? Slowly worry it in. She's probably a rubber mouth. Yes. The vampire awake. She's... Hard parts over. Heart parts over.

Worrying it. You're watching John. Love it or leaving. Oh, my God. That's so funny. Oh, shut up. Shut up, Dracula. I'm killing it.

You're right. There's a mallet. Of course there's a mallet. Of course there's a mallet. And then dumb Shollah Holmes comes in. Maybe we could shame him to death. No. Oh, Alana.

Yes. Hey, what was it like the first day to act with that little bear? Oh, well. On Ted. He is not a bear. Oh. No, he's just like two eyeballs on a metal stick. Yeah, because I assumed Seleifaran is too rich to be hiding behind the couch during the takes.

No, well, he's hiding behind the bushes. Oh, he's in there. Yeah. Wow. He's in there. They have him in this little booth. And they basically, for season, they have. had him, you know, they had all of these wires connected to him to pick up all of his emoting

and, you know, expressions and everything. And he read with us off camera for every single scene. Wow. And we were looking at, you know, two little eyeballs on a metal stick the entire time, but we had to because of the CGI. And then, in a matter of a year when we did second season, he no longer needed any of those wires because technology had already advanced. You can just film them. We don't even need the dots anymore. We don't even need those fucking dots. Wild.

Eat shit, those little dots. It's amazing. Do you have to talk to this bear? I didn't have to talk to the bear. You didn't get to talk to the bear? But I did write some of the bear's dialogue. Oh, you wrote the bear? Yeah, and you also played a priest on the show.

I did. I played Alana's priest. He put the dildo on the bear. Huh. He wrote the dilt. He wrote that episode with the dildo on the bear. No, it is true. I wrote the episode I wrote.

You start out writing a little, a funny, pastiche of the graduate. And then you find yourself Googling, what size is the average dildo? Yeah, they look bigger, though. I mean, they look

bigger. I know Seth always like to say, you know, I just wanted to do a musical, you know, musical comedy. I just wanted to do, you know, musical theater. And before I know, I'm on set and they're just showing me different sizes of dildos. And I'm like, yeah, that'll work. That'll work on the bear. It's the kind of thing where you don't think you're going to have an opinion, then you see two dildos, and suddenly you got an opinion.

You're going to have an opinion. It's like, it's like, it's like, you're decorating in a sense. You're like, I didn't know I cared about this, but now I have an opinion. They're not anatomical at all anymore. Oh. No, they're just like weird, lime green, twisty shapes and bright orange, curly cues. Sex toys now look like replacement limbs for an all-Muppet Veterans Hospital. Now, Dana, you've been interviewing people dressed up as Dr. Zayas,

from Planet of the Apes. And I'm going to just say that sentence again. Dana, you've been interviewing people dressed up as Dr. Zayas from Planet of the Apes. I would like to show everyone a clip. Like, I imagine the inventor of Pringle is opening up a bag of potato chips going,

like, he feels like a bag of potato chips the way you hear like Bernard Herzog describing birds. Like, oh, it's hideous, it's nothing but screaming. I can't handle it. Dan, did you ever worry that you're too niche? Not obscure enough. I was so glad you were coming on the show

because this started coming across my feed. And I just, as well, as this case these days, you'll see something and you'll, it's like, how long has this been going on? Why is this not more, well, how is this a secret? Yeah, it's genius. It's what? It's genius.

This is so insane. I feel like either this must either have just begun or the world should be talking about this. How are you getting dressed up as Dr. Zayas and having a talk show? Why isn't anyone stopping this? How did it happen? The whole thing is something of a horrible miracle. So how did this start?

When? I, okay, the very truncated version of the story is I wrote a sketch for the Ben Stiller show, a block and a half up the street in 1992. Dr. Zeyas is doing Mark Twain tonight. I thought it'd be really funny and we got cancelled before I got a chance to do it and 18 short years later I did it on a John Hodgman show

at Sketchfest in San Francisco because by then I met a makeup I have a lot of friends in that business because I'm working horror movies I love horror movies. Do you pay them every single time every goddamn time? That's expensively. Little hobby.

I did it there. That got on YouTube you can see it. Dr. Zayas is Mark Twain. It'll come up. It's very, funny and then someone said hey could you do this political benefit I did something as I hosted as dr. Zayas and then hey could you get on to Atlanta and they want to interview you for the fathom events when they show Planet of the Apes and theaters and I did it and it just became a weird

side hustle and then during COVID my friend Rob Cohen who was I worked with on the stellar said why don't we do a talk show like Space Ghost because it was COVID and we were bored and I thought here's what good about it. It's going to cost a fortune to do. But it will put us at risk of being sued by Disney. I actually did want to ask you about

the rights. Yeah. Good question, John. So, no, we have a gentleman's agreement that if I don't make too much money, they're not going to kick up a fuss. And I told them, no worries. So, a recent study out of East China

and Normal University in Shanghai found that mask wearing increased what the researchers described as malevolent creativity by heightening anonymity with no effect on moral sensitivity. The study defines malevolent creativity as intentional use of novel ideas to disrupt social order or undermine cultural values. Is that the goal? It's not the goal, but it's a delicious side effect. But it really is. I will say, like, you know, I can act, but I'm not an actor. But I do actually, when I'm in, when you're in that much makeup and you're in the costume, you think differently. My wife says like,

you're gone when you do that. You walk differently. You sit differently. It's called in the zone. In the zone. Yeah. And I will come up with stuff because of his personality. His personality is basically Sammy Davis Jr. He's just like he knows everybody in the business. He loves everybody in the business.

It's not between two ferns. It's obsequiousness to a ridiculous degree. And which is much more my personality. And but I will say things that I don't think I would think of or I was interviewing Weird Al Yankovic and I just went like, Al, and I think I speak for everyone here in the audience when I ask, what do you do? And like, I would never have said that. But there's something, it's like you can say that. Yeah, this, because Jiminy Glick has that a little bit too. There's, there's like a freeing thing that happened. Much more profitable than what I do. What if over time, you start to realize that you write better or think better as doctor. And you're like, you know what, if I'm going to really write this script, I got to get into the car. And then more and more of your days are spent in the costume until one day there is no Dana Gould. That's an indie.

There's only, there's only Dr. Z. I would green light that in a hot minute. That's a movie. Not going to happen, but the idea of there is no Danyi Gould will eventually be true. Alana, do you ever wake up on a day when you have to act and go, ugh, acting, I hate this. What a mistake I made? Oh, gosh.

No. I had a lobotomy. And I just love it. I still do. It's very weird. No, I'm a dog with a ball. I have this dog, Stewie. He passed away not too long ago and not to depress anyone.

But it's a beautiful story. He loved his red ball. And even at the very end, like the day he died, he just loved the ball. And I just, I love the ball. I'm that kind of a weirdo. I'm a freak. Yeah. Isn't that weird?

It's cool, though. Oh, it's, I'm Santa Claus. The Santa Claus at the mall. You do the thing you love. You do the thing you love. Yeah, I love it. I will say, I do. Because I was, she played the mom on the show, Ted.

Scott Grimes played the father, and I was in the writer's room. And we would finish these scripts, and we thought they were pretty goddamn funny, John. All these people have to do is read it, and it's gold. and what you see on the show is so much funnier than what left the room. You know, they really are. That cast is so great, and they're really brilliant.

Yeah, she's terrific. That was a good time. Yeah. Sorkin used to say when we were working on the newsroom that his ideal director would just take his scripts and put them on a music stand and then have a white glove just turn the pages for the audience at home to just read.

That was his ideal version of his one. of his films being directed. He dated Pauline Poroschkova. Oh, interesting. I remember that for like a hot minute. Do you know anything about it? Do you have his phone number? Let's call him.

Let's ask what she was like horizontally. He never gave me his number. Alana. You're in Lucky, which is premiering on July 15th on Apple TV Plus. The plus is for the TV shows. Yes. That's what the plus is. It's for the shows.

Yes. Anya is phenomenal in it. She's a con artist, and she cons myself. And I, yeah, and I get to pull a gun out on her. And there's this wonderful rattlesnake in my episode named Mr. Whiskers, I think his name is. And he's been in the business for a long time. He was born without a rattle, apparently. Oh, wow.

And so they have his little rattle costume hung up for him in his trailer, and then they put it up. No, no joke. And I was in a scene with him. And I think it was the same rattle from Euphoria. Mr. Whiskers. Check out Dr. Z on YouTube on Hangin' With Doctor Z.com, and you can catch Alana in Lucky premiering on July 15th on Apple TV Plus. The Plus stands for TV shows.

And, oh, Dana Zew's special, perfectly normal on 800-pound Gorillo's YouTube channel as well. That's right. We will be right back. Hey, don't go anywhere. There's more of Love It or Leave It coming up. Love It is brought to you by Willie's Remedy. I love Willie's Remedy. It's my favorite. It's a great thing to do at the end of the day. You know, yesterday I did two episodes of Love Or Leave It Right Back to Back, and I got home,

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Yep. They even got a new watermelon asaipole this season. The one in a melon bowl. And what does that sound like? Like that. Booster Juice. Canadian-born, blending since 1999. And we're back.

Pop culture. Boy, we love it. But sometimes, can you know what it's real? People. Cyber game, we're calling the people have spoken. Here's how it works. Alana and Dana, I'm going to read you an insane headline. You will tell us.

Is this a real, honest-to-God people headline that a human being wrote up? or a fake one that our human beings rode up. All right. Are you ready? Yes. First up, singer G Flip gets thigh tattooed with meaningful ink by off-campus cast in Sweet Behind the Scenes video.

Yes, it's true. You got it. Did you know any of that? It was just too specific. It didn't sound like my G-Flip. G-Flip. G-Flip. G-Flip.

How do you say hello to Flip Wilson? Come on. G-Flip. You're in Karnack now. Every fucking do it. I'm up here for me. I'm not here for you. You know he's doing Karnak.

You claws. I'm insulting them for you. The cotton tops, no. Yeah. Astronaut opens up about what it's like to be on OZempic in space exclusive. False. You got it. That's fake.

We made it up. Really? Yeah, the astronaut. They don't interview astronauts. I'm going to... I'm just going to say this with no experience. but I'm going to guess that zero G is not where you want diarrhea. Next headline.

Sarah Borellis told Anderson Cooper she wouldn't give him writing credits after he inspired a song, quote, you have enough money. True. I hope it's true. Yeah, it is. She said that. No credits from Sarah Borellas. Snow-haired news, maven.

With his t-shirts. Yeah. John Saina debuts-bue's bald look in preparation for second-hand transplant. I went all in. That is true. I saw that. It was true. There he is, yeah.

And there's a sweetness to him. He looks, you know, he looks nice like that. I think he looks hot. He looks good. I have a theory about bald man. Let me tell you something. There's a lot of testosterone going on when you lose your hair. You know what I'm saying, ladies, right?

Ooh! They fell asleep again. Yeah. Come on, guys. Well, you can do that you get it. Because you got, well, you have to have the head for it. You have to have the head for it. Patrick Stewart, the Ed Harris.

Yeah, they have that. Yeah. There's something. Ball guys turn me on. Good ridge lines. Yeah. I think, no, no. I would just, I would look, it would be bad.

Yeah. It would be bad. Yeah, I just think there's no way around it. Some people, I just, it wouldn't work. It wouldn't work. I look one of those marshmallow, remember those foam marshmallow peanuts? Uh-huh. Yeah, that's what I got going on.

Yeah, but not facing the way you think. Thank God for my Rowan-Hude Thatch. Yeah. Not every day, but more than you think, Mary Steenbergin on her marriage to Dead Dance in new pictures. True. Very boring. I was going to say it was true, but it's not about what you think.

Yeah, right. It's just about baking. Yeah. Did she really say that? Jojo Siwa clarifies comments on Israel. True. True, baby. No.

No, we made it up. Oh, let's see two more. Dula Lipa's terrifying health scare, a psychic told me I had Lyme disease. I hope that's true. Please make it be true. Riley Green admits he thought his ex-girlfriends would text him when he won people's sexiest country star. They didn't. True.

Yeah. Yeah. It was real. Yeah. I like that one. Oh, that's sad for him. That, see, and by the way, that's the problem. Like the Riley is green.

That's the sexiest country star. Ned Flanders. Who? You could try to mock that. That's a hot guy. That is a beautiful. Jetrave's new album, Oakley Doakley. I, I, I, I, he can Oakley, my dockley.

All night long. The Oakley Dockley, rich boys. You're jealous. You're jealous. The boys are jealous. No, I don't understand the, uh, the mustache. I do. The, the raw, the, just the single stash. I do.

No, I know a lot of people do it. I don't, uh, I don't get it. I just have never, I, I've never, I've never, I've never, I get it all night long. It's working for long. It's a, you look like a porn star, you know. I mean, he does look cool. Or a fireman.

Certain people can pull it off and certain people can really pull it off and I think he's pulling it off. Beautiful blue life. I don't think I would pull it off. I think I would look like a baby in disguise. It's a thick mustache. Look at that. Like a sick baby in disguise. Like a, like a, like a, like a medically.

Yeah. Toddler trying to sneak into an R-rated movie. Well. Now that the markets have closed, I guess I'll go see Transformers. Fantastic. Yeah, he's gorgeous. I don't get it. You've won the game.

Now, you've won the game, he spat. With jaggers in my eyes. We're having fun, right? Yes! Yes! I've had a great time tonight. Show me more naked guys on your TV screen over there. But the question is, did everyone else?

Because it's time for a segment we call second thoughts. Here's how it works. I have a comprehensive list of all the things that the producers of this show wish I had done differently. And I'm going to run through them with you. Because we're going to learn and grow. And if you have any second thoughts about tonight, this is your opportunity. Let's do it, baby. First up, I shouldn't give the Pentagon.

on ideas about destroying the city of Brussels. Also, I should have said bruges. Bruges. Bruges. Is the city bruges in Bruges? Bruges. Bruges. Just bruges.

Maybe that's a funnier word. I tried my main accent. Do you do a main accent? Well, we did it because we had the joke for it. Unlike you, we wrote the joke and then saw if I could do it. Right. Well, I'm from Massachusetts and I can't do a main accent. Well, I think it's a sort of,

You kind of, to me, it's in the back of your mouth. It's sort of like, what if Catherine Hepburn didn't shake as much, you know? Right. You know what I mean? You do Catherine Hepburn, but you don't, you just kind of leave it. You leave it up here. You don't, you don't let it shake. You just kind of do the, because once it starts shaking, then you're in the Catherine Hepburn thing.

You know the old joke about Catherine Hepburn going into the adult novelty store, and she goes, do you have those little eggs that people put inside their vaginas that vibrate? And they go, yes, we do. How do you turn them off? Yeah, it's a great joke. That's a great joke. And that's a great, and that's a great joke. That's a great joke.

Catherine Hepburn. Catherine Hepburn. A legend. I know what time will you reference. It probably wasn't, it was a mistake for me to say to the audience, that was about Jews. I called Dana a big, a big hole guy. I shouldn't have said how old I am.

Let's see. I argued about the logistics of killing a vampire and was wrong. I'm not having this argument again. I brought up a study from East China Normal University. I failed to explain any context of the dildo on TED. Didn't even ask a question or a follow-up. You know? Always better in theory than probably.

practice. 100%. Better to be talked about than seen. I thought you meant dildos are better in theory than practice. I did. Oh. I did mean that. Yeah.

Yeah. It's fantastic. You have to watch that episode. Which episode? It's the first one, isn't it? Or the second? I believe it is the, I don't know. Second. Yeah.

It's a funny one. No, type in Dildo Teddy Bear. Yeah. Don't type in Dildo Teddy Bear. Don't. Hey, do yourselves a favor. Don't. You can try something else.

Vibrating. Dilldo teddy bear. it. You're going to get an AI Elvis film that you don't want to watch. You type, you type Dildo Teddy Bear into your search bar, then it's just, there's a knock on the door. But here's the thing. It's sad that if you type Dildo Teddy Bear into your search bar, something's going to come up, you know? Yeah, yeah.

I often wonder if, like, well, I, during COVID, I watched all of the porn. All of the porn. All of the, I got, I finally clicked on the last link. and it was just a skeleton and a miner's hat. That's it, you're all doing. Holding up a lantern in a mine. There's nothing left. How much of that time were you gay, you think?

A good 30, 33%. It's always 35%. It's always 35%. It's always 35%. Kinsey scale. But I just could not keep myself dedicated to the necessary physical fitness. What is your favorite porn?

It's been years. That's a weird thing. In all honesty. I like behind the green door? In all honesty. Noddy Marietta? Yeah, but all of like the, the, when I watched porn, sex boat.

All those women are now like, old, nice old ladies now. You know, it's like, they're all. But they still have spirit. Yeah. Possibly, this is where I'm going to end the show. Yes. I just, that is where we're at.

And we could, just as it. You know who the first pornist? I thought was Lucy. You know the one they found in Africa? You mean like Australopithecus? Yes. That was the first one. It was a clan of the sex cave bear, and it was a spin-off.

Oh, spin-off. And that's our show. Thank you, Sarah. Sharla, Yubach, and Dana Gould. There are 117 days until the midterm elections, and we will be back in your feeds on Friday. Have a great night. You don't have to air everyone.

Love it or Leave It is a Cricket Media production. Our show is produced by Kendra James, Bill McGrath, Kelsey Gante, and me, John Lovett. Our production team includes Hallie Kiefer, Sarah Lazarus, Raman Borsalino, Peter Miller, David Tolls, Claudia Shang, Jay Banks, Gavin Purcell, and Matt DeGroath. And our staff is proudly unionized with the Writers Guild of America East.