Lovett or Leave It - Up Schiff's Creek

Episode Date: November 23, 2019

Fiona Hill has eyes. Gordon Sondland has receipts. And Cory Booker has jokes. The first round of impeachment hearings wrap up in dramatic fashion. Democrats debate in Atlanta. And Chris Matthews uses, shall we say, an irregular channel. The hilarious Guy Branum, Quinta Brunson, and Aida Osman are here to break down a week of giant revelations and tiny Yodas. We always say it, but wow we really mean it: What a week.

Good evening, Los Angeles. I wish you guys could have come here in a week with some news. What the fuck are we going to talk about? Baby Yoda? Before we get to the show, let me just say to all of my friends in the state of Iowa, Love It or Leave It is coming to Iowa City on January 30th, right before the caucuses. Tickets are on sale now at crooked.com slash events.

Also, we have no show next week because it is Thanksgiving. Say one word to me. Yeah. If you're looking for something to do, you can behave like the people who thought they were coming to a Joe Rogan show and came to love it or leave it by accident and just listen to Joe Rogan anyway. Let's get into it. What a week.

What a week. Lieutenant Colonel Alexander Vindman testified on Tuesday. You remember Tuesday. A simpler time. He was on the July 25th call in which Trump demanded Ukraine investigate the Bidens. Republicans on the committee tried to attack him. He's been maligned and smeared. But Vindman, like the decorated soldier he is, came prepared. Your boss had concerns about your judgment. Your former boss, Dr. Hill,

had concerns about your judgment. Your colleagues had concerns about your judgment, and your colleagues felt that there were times when you leaked information. Any idea why they have those impressions, Colonel Vindman? Yes, Representative Jordan. I guess I'll start by reading Dr. Hill's own words, as she attested to in my last evaluation that was dated middle of July, right before she left. Alex is a top 1% military officer and the best Army officer I've ever worked with in my 15 years of government service. He is brilliant, unflappable, and exercises excellent judgment. And Colonel, you never leaked information?

I never did, never would. That is preposterous that I would do that. Yes. These hearings were like revenge of the nerds without the problematic ending. And then on Wednesday, Gordon Sondland, Trump mega-donor and ambassador to the EU, delivered gobsmacking testimony. Our gobs were smacked. Really?

Smacked the hell out of our gobs. Backed by emails and evidence implicating Trump and other administration officials directly in the president's extortion racket, Sondland donated a cool million dollars to become an ambassador, only to find himself embroiled in this scandal. He's like the rich kid in Willy Wonka who buys her way into the factory tour, only to be burned alive in a furnace. And let's not forget the moral of that book and film, which is kids who have flaws deserve to die. And it's fine that Grandpa Joe pretended to be disabled until his grandson won the lotto,

and no one suggests that Mom, who has been working to the bone for years to provide for all of these people, goes to the fun day at the factory. She's like, no, probably Grandpa Joe, who's fine, it turns out. Surprise, surprise. Could have used someone to pitch in around the house. In Solomon's opening statement, he explicitly spelled out the quid pro quo. I know that members of this

committee frequently frame these complicated issues in the form of a simple question. Was there a quid pro quo? As I testified previously, with regard to the requested White House call and the White House meeting, the answer is yes. House meeting, the answer is yes. So that's it. We did it. That was terrible. What a shitty three and a half years it was.

Thank you for listening to the show. Crooked Media is shutting down. Then in questioning, Sondland explicitly tied the aid to the quid pro quo with this beautiful answer. Is the only logical conclusion to you that given all of these factors, that the aid was also a part of this quid pro quo?

Yep. Yep. Said with all the gravity of someone saying they do want the fries with the sandwich. Was there an international conspiracy at the heart of Donald Trump's efforts to steal his re-election and undermine our democracy, fundamentally abusing his powers to his own benefit

while undermining America's national security interests around the world? Yep. Solomon also said in his opening statement that Energy Secretary Rick Perry and Special Envoy Kurt Volker handled communications with Giuliani after Trump told them to, quote, talk to Rudy, end quote, on May 23rd. As far as three-word phrases you never want to hear, I would say there's a sort of competition between talk to Rudy and is Pepsi okay?

There were a ton of important moments in the testimony, but one of my favorites is this, where Sean Maloney got Sondland to finally admit what he was dancing around. But who would benefit from an investigation of the Bidens? They're two different questions. I'm just asking you one. Who would benefit from an investigation of the Bidens? They're two different questions. I'm just asking you one.

Who would benefit from an investigation of the Bidens? I assume President Trump would benefit. There we have it, see? Didn't hurt a bit, did it? So first of all great but also i i just do want to pause and reflect on the fact that the people who attended this hearing the citizens uh in the crowd uh did start acting like a studio audience and there's something so fundamentally broken about us now that like we just don't know how to act serious like you were at a impeachment hearing this isn't a game show where pert midwesterners drink milk as fast as they can

he's trying to save our democracy this is like ellen dunking people it's a little weird we're a little fucked up. We just forgot how to be. We watched way too much TV, it broke our brains, and then Trump became president and we don't know what to do. However, all was not well. Republicans did in the expert hands of their legal counselor, Castor, who probably has a first name but who gives a shit let's roll that clip I am really trying to finish up before my

so I can yield some time back do we have anything else I have nothing else thank you I have nothing else. Thank you. You're back. Just gonna, looking through my papers to find any cogent argument I could make on behalf of the morons sitting around me.

Trying to find if there's any hole I could poke and he's like, not here, not on this page. Later, I think later in the hearing, Castor said, I know you're trying to catch a flight, so I'm not going to take up all of my time. What a sweetheart. And then on Thursday, State Department official David Holmes and Tilda Swinton in her greatest role to date as former National Security Council official Fiona Hill,

testified. While Sondland had refused the day before to say that anyone had mentioned Biden in the quid pro quo, Holmes testified to this. It was made clear that some action on Burisma Biden investigation was a precondition for an Oval Office visit. That's it. And then he followed up with some equally earth-shattering testimony. Ambassador Sondland further told the president that Sweden, quote, should have released him on your word, but that you can tell the Kardashians you tried. Well, at least there's that.

Then, slippery little mischief boy Jim Jordan, or what would happen if a college wrestling coach who covered up for sexual misconduct became a congressman, hypothetically, had a hard time understanding why Holmes had information other people didn't, and Holmes slowly and methodically made him look like this. I believe that Ambassador Taylor did already know when I briefed him when I returned from vacation on the 6th. It was not news to him that the president was pressing for a Biden investigation. That's not what I asked. I asked why he didn't share with us.

Mr. Jordan, please do not interrupt the witness any further. Mr. Holmes, this is exactly- Mr. Jordan, his time has expired, but yours is not. Okay, thank you, sir. You may answer the question. It's exactly my point. I briefed the call in detail to the deputy chief of mission, went away for a week, come back, I refer to the call, and everyone is nodding. Of course that's what's going on. Of course the president is pressing for a Biden investigation before he'll do these things the Ukrainians want.

Of course, because everyone knew what the fuck was going on. Jim Jordan, you obtuse piece of shit. You know, everyone knows. Everyone knows. Even that guy who they stole from the film Pleasantville. Literally five minutes before he came out here. David Alms. Nose.

They stole him from the soda jerk. He was on his way to lover's lane. Then it was Fiona Hill's turn, who is essentially Arya Stark, if she grew up to become a diplomat who murders people with a look. The following clip is a fairly simple answer from Hill, but I wanted you to hear just how much she disdains Trump and Giuliani. Take a listen. Is it your understanding then that President Trump disregarded the advice of his senior officials about this theory

and instead listened to Rudy Giuliani's views? That appears to be the case, yes. and instead listen to Rudy Giuliani's views? That appears to be the case, yes. Then watch her respond to Congressman Weintraub, whose district includes the Phantom Zone, with... You guys know what the Phantom Zone is? It's where General Zod was kept for a while.

He represents the district of General Zod. And it was gerrymandered. Anyway, this was genuinely the scariest compliment I've ever seen. And it's time for this phase of the publicly announced and proclaimed Democrat coup to end. Thank you for your service. Thanks for being here. And I yield back. Thank you for your service. Thanks for being here. And I yield back. No, I think that what Dr. Wenstrup said was very powerful about the importance of overcoming hatred and certainly partisan division. And it's unfortunate that Congressman Turner and Ratcliffe have both left as well, because I think all of us who came here under a legal obligation also felt we had a moral obligation to do so.

We came as fact witnesses. And we're here to relate to you what we heard, what we saw, and what we did. And to be of some help to all of you in really making a very momentous decision here. I am gay. But Jesus Christ, Dr. Hill, tell me what to do. Why don't we let Chairman Adam Schiff sum it up? The question is not what the president meant.

The question is not whether he was responsible for holding up the aid he was. The question is not whether everybody knew it. Apparently they did. The question is, what are we prepared to do about it? We began these proceedings with a question about whether or not they had enough pizzazz. And I'm glad to see at the end of these Intelligence Committee hearings that that argument has become so silly, not just because it was so bankrupt, but also because it was so wrong, because this week was extraordinary. Let's show one last clip of Vindman. Congressman, because this is America,

this is the country I've served and defended, that all of my brothers have served, and here, right matters. Thank you, sir. I know we're not supposed to take joy in these solemn impeachment matters, but this week was great. I love Adam Schiff.

We are in his district right now. And I admire so much all of these serious people who simply decided they were going to tell the truth at a sense of moral obligation and duty. And what is so remarkable about it is that not only were they right to do it, they were right that it does still matter. It does still matter.

I watched Fox News a lot throughout this process. Don't, please. It was no trial. And what was remarkable please it was no trial and what was remarkable about it was it was hard for them to figure out what to do in the intermissions, I don't think that's what they're called because they couldn't come on and say the opposite of what they had just put on the air for hours, which was the truth

and it was remarkable about just how straight they had to play it. Not just the Brett Baier's and the Chris Wallace's, but even people like Ken Starr and other commentators who were forced to confront the reality of just how bad this was for Donald Trump. I don't know what's going to happen when this goes to the Judiciary Committee. We don't know what's going to happen when this hits the floor or the Senate. But this week, this week was extraordinary because it really did feel as though the truth mattered and it broke through and nothing Donald Trump could say, nothing his propaganda apparatus could say, nothing Devin Nunes and Jim Jordan and the other goons on that committee could say could undo that. In fact, by the end of the hearings today, you could see in Devin Nunes's eyes, beyond the probing search for understanding, which is on his eyes at all times, was a sense of defeat, a sense, and you saw it in the kind of lack of fight by the end of this last hearing in Jim Jordan and Stefanik and the other Republican members. So that was great.

And so in addition to new episodes of BoJack Horseman and the fact that Marie Yovanovitch is going to get free Pinot Grigio at jazz clubs in D.C. for the rest of her life, I think everybody who did their part to win a House majority and put Adam Schiff in that chair so he could do that exquisite, serious job so that he could be in the right place at the right time to do the right thing should feel very proud

and feel very grateful this Thanksgiving. Let's start the show. We'll be right back. Hey, don't go anywhere. There's more of Love It or Leave It coming up. And we're back. She's an actor and comedian now starring in a black lady sketch show on HBO. Her Christmas podcast, Spectacular, will be available this week.

Please welcome Quinta Brunson. Hi, Quinta. Hello. How are you? I'm good. How are you? Thank you for being here. Thank you for having me. I am afraid. Afraid of what? Well, I just have to start out by saying,

I don't know. I just was like, Nunez, he might have a point. I'm kidding. I'm not. I'm not. I don't. I don't. I'm on the right podcast. I'm on the right side. Okay. No, no, no. Did I call him Nunez? I wanted that to be his name. No, it's Nunez. You know, you hear a lot of different versions. I've sort of sunk into Nunez. She's a writer and comedian, the co-host of Crooked Media's Own Keep It. Please welcome Aida Osman. Hi, Aida. Hi, everyone. How's everyone doing? I know I'm the second generation Pokemon of Quinta.

So that's just what happens. I'm like her tethered. Yeah. She's just my Gen Z version. Yeah, don't get confused. I'm like if Quinta spawned wrong. Whatever. Hi.

I'm happy to be here. So happy. Underground Quinta. Gotta pick people with different twist outs. You can't just have the same vibe on the show. I'm like if you copied Quinta but added more toner. Yeah, this is beautiful. This is diversity.

This is the America we want. Right here. Thank you so much. John's my boss, so I gotta be nice. I love you. We're having fun. We're having so much. John's my boss, so I gotta be nice. I love you. We're having fun. We're having so much fun. He's a comedian, writer, all-star, love-it-or-leave-it panelist,

and the author of the book My Life as a Goddess. Please welcome back our friend, Guy Branum. Hi, Guy. How are you doing? Me? Yes, I'm sorry I aggressively started hosting your podcast. Sometimes I do that. He's, you know, look, Guy is a thoroughbred.

And he just wants to run. So what have you been working on, John? All right. Enough nonsense. Now it's time for a game called OK Stop. We'll roll a clip and the panel can say OK Stop at any point to comment.

Frogs and friends. It used to be a place where conservatives could be themselves, angry and racist and still tipping 15% unless the jalapeno poppers took too long. But not anymore. Their safe space was once again violated by Judge Andrew Napolitano and thought we would check back in

to see how things are going this week. Let's roll the clip. All right, here we go. Dramatic testimony from Ambassador Gordon Sunderland. We got the written text and we realized it was going to be big. Saying that President Trump told him, among his main things he said, was he wanted no quid pro quo. So do Democrats still have a case? I think the Democrats do still have a case. But it is clear from what Ambassador Sondland

testified yesterday that there was an understanding that the president wanted some things from the Ukrainians. But Judge, he said he presumed. There's a lot of evidence on which you can base the presumption. But he didn't give the presumption. But, Judge, please. Please, Judge. I just want to point out for people at home that the Fox & Friends chyron reads,

Sondland, Trump told me, I want no quid pro quo. Now, there is something important about this exculpatory evidence on which they have hung their MAGA hats. And it is, you might be saying to yourself, huh, I don't know Donald Trump

to be the type to drop in some Latin phrases. Right, right. So that's a bit odd. Sondland calls him up on the phone and says, hey, boss man, what are you looking for in Ukraine? Because honestly, I'm baffled. I'm not baffled.

Later I'll say I'm baffled. Really, I know what's going on and I'm covering my ass, but we'll get to it. What do you want from Ukraine? And he says, no quid pro quo, no quid pro quo. What a strange non sequitur. Until you find out that this call took place after he got caught and was being accused of a quid pro quo.

He got the term quid pro quo from people telling him he was committing crimes in the form of a quid pro quo. John, I would just also like to chime in and say, I believe we all understood that until about the year 2012, America ran on Dunkins. But I think since then, we've come to a point where America runs on older people misinterpreting headlines that

misrepresent the truth. And not just older people, all of us are just vaguely seeing something on Twitter being, my god, that's ridiculous! And then running off to yell about it without reading a second paragraph. No, and it's a huge and unsolvable problem.

No quid pro quo, it sounds like a Harry Potter spell. It's like, these shall not pass. These shall not go. I didn't mess with Ukraine. No quid pro quo. I definitely think he wrote it down because

he was afraid to say it wrong. I think he was like, I don't want any quids prons pro. Is it quids prons? Am I ordering a meal? What is it? I think he probably had to write it down for that reason. He's like, oh, no, I'm sorry. Calamari.

Yes, yes, yes. He said, I presume. Correct, correct. So the ambassador is not a never-Trumper. He is not a Democrat. He's not somebody wanting to disrupt this. This is a guy who's given a million dollars to the Republican Party and is the most important Trump. Okay, stop. This is just a Democrat. He's not somebody wanting to disrupt this. This guy has given a million dollars to the Republican Party and is the most important Trump.

Okay, stop. This is just a quick question. Do we know what happened to Sondland's shell? For those of you at home, this is a visual joke. Gordon Sondland looks as though he were a box turtle who had been removed from his shell. He's got a reptilian neck, for sure. Yeah.

A slimy top bald head. I'm talking about his. Oh, excuse me. Hey. Okay? Step the fuck back about bald heads. Especially slimy ones. I'm a man prone to sweat, okay?

Some people find it pleasurable, Aida. I didn't say anything. I let my tether handle that. I was going to do that. I'm so sorry. It had to be said. Ambassador in Europe, and he's saying this is what happened. The president wanted an announcement about Burisma.

He didn't care if there was an investigation. He just wanted the announcement so we could use it. And we know that the money was held up for 55 days. Okay, stop. They all look like they just graduated from sitting school. Like, just proud graduates. No, they...

Yes. And it's such a good joke. They're all sitting so well. I would like to take a page out of their books. Yeah, they are good at sitting. I'm more struck by the fact that they look like he's reading each one of them's internet history to them. You're right, though, Quinta. You're right.

I don't know how, but even the woman in the dress is manspreading right now. Yeah, it's insane. I don't know how. Even the woman in the dress is manspreading right now. Yeah, it's insane. I don't know how. They look so miserable listening to these facts. Like, the degree of deference that Fox News and the Republicans want to give to Trump on this evidence, it's like, what if we applied that to everyone who shoplifted?

What if we applied that to all of the people who are now in jail off of very circumstantial evidence, like DNA evidence, hearsay? There's lots of shit. And that's the reason that Napolitano is saying that is because if a judge were judging this, they would be like, oh, yeah, this is the shit ton of circumstantial evidence. This shit happened. But, you know, when it's susan callens um it's always just gonna be like i don't know that didn't tell me that because the president doesn't say those things talk to rudy communicates through rudy okay okay stop steve juicy's excited he's playing he gets it oh talk to rudy that saying, I'm not going to say the crime on the phone.

Talk to Rudy. He's my crime man in Ukraine. Oh, talk to Rudy. The corporeal form of the crime. His actual body being in Ukraine is evidence of a criminal conspiracy. There is literally no defensible reason whatsoever for Rudy Giuliani to be wandering around Ukraine with Parnas and Fruman, two people whose names sound so crimey together. They sound like they were executed

for being communists in the 30s. But those two did it. They sound like Hans Gruber's henchmen in Die Hard. But you never learn their names, but for some reason, because our political state is a shit show, we have to now learn the henchmen of Hans Gruber's names. Yeah, the henchmen.

The henchmen. Hans Gruber just got appointed, by the way, ambassador to France. But that's a point, John, is that you guys, when you left the White House, should have left a list of factors that they should look for when appointing donors ambassadors.

You know, good skiing, more than won four seasons in the country. Like, I just, it's just sort of, you're not supposed to, like, make a person ambassador to where the next World War is going to start because they have a candy factory and donated money to you. That's what Austria is for.

That's right, that's right. Gordon Sondland, he literally just thought, wow, it'll be so cool when I go to a wedding and it says ambassador and missus. How cool will that be? It'll be so easy to find my name. And that's okay. Stop. When we come back, we'll cover the fifth

Democratic debate. Don't go anywhere. This is Love It or Leave It, and there's more on the way. And we're back! On Wednesday, the Democratic presidential candidates debated in Hotlanta. In one of the biggest moments of the night, Kamala Harris attacked. Is that not where it was? I just, I just, I don't know, I don't know if I like that for you.

When I think Hotlanta, I think strippers, and that's what came first. Can I tell you something? I'll tell you where I learned the word Hotlanta, and this is a true story. I was a volunteer on the Carrie Edwards campaign in 2004, and I drove to Florida to volunteer in the homestretch, and I stayed at the home of a pair of lovely Unitarians

who made a delicious Cuban sandwich, and we watched NCIS together. And there was another person staying with us who was also volunteering, and she was a lovely woman who was older, but very, you know, fashion-forward. And she left before me, and I found a note

in the room I was staying that had her number and it said, look me up in Hotlanta. And I believe therefore, despite whatever you may think, that term is mine and I am allowed to use it.

I believe she might have been a stripper so I think it still came back yeah approved yeah you got it okay actually no I've decided that if you're gonna say hot lana you gotta release like a hot trap mixtape with future and Young Thug. You can be like Young Pundit. You know, like that can be that can be your shit. I want to see John Lovett rap so bad. There's, no you don't. There's just, it will only sound like beat poetry. There's just no

there's just no way out of the problem. Anyway, before I lost control of the show forever, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. In one of the biggest moments of the night, Kamala Harris attacked Tulsi Gabbard for holding meetings with Steve Bannon and Donald Trump, but in Gabbard's defense,

that debate stage would be totally one-sided without her. It would just be a bunch of Democrats. Oh, shut up. What a dumb joke. I'm going to get killed on Twitter. Okay. Cory Booker said Joe Biden's stance on marijuana was so shocking and out of touch that Papa Joe might have been high. But he wasn't high.

He's just old-fashioned and moderate in a way that's reassuring to millions of voters while alienating a big chunk of young progressive voters who also happen to be the most engaged and active online. Another big moment came when Joe Biden threatened to beat up the concept of domestic violence. No man has a right to raise a hand to a woman in anger other than in self-defense, and that rarely ever occurs. And so we have to just change the culture period and keep punching at it and punching at it and punching out it will be a big no i really mean it it's a gigantic issue has his campaign addressed the fact that if starting six months ago he had just done nothing he would be in a much stronger position than he is today. If he had just stayed

in Delaware, he would still be polling in the high 30s. I don't know much about Joe Biden, but I know he looks like the sun is always in his eyes. He's just like, I miss Barry. Aida, I firmly believe that anything Bernie says

sounds like he is sending back soup The top 1% of my broccoli cheddar is up Was that a good Bernie? No? Okay I'm just gonna say this because I gotta get a win If I can't say Hotlanta, you can't do Old Juice I'm not allowed to be pro-Semitic on the podcast You can't do old Jews. I'm not allowed to be pro-Semitic on the podcast? Buttigieg, welcome.

John, he's America Zady, okay? He is. He's our bubby. Buttigieg, welcome the challenge of connecting with black voters. So looking forward to that episode. Let's do it, Buttigieg. Let's do it. Welcome to the challenge. Looking forward to that episode of white American Ninja Warrior.

Celebrity death match, Buttigieg versus me and Ada. And he just wants our vote in the middle of it. I love it. He's like, let me braid your hair, please. Like, baby. But then we heard Andrew Yang say this. We're in the process of potentially losing the AI arms race to China right now because they have more access to more data than we do. And their government is putting billions of dollars to work subsidizing the development of AI in a way that we are not. And so we decided it was an idea worth exploring.

So now it's time for a game called Turing Test, Democratic Debate Edition. Here are the rules. No tact, comments, or sarcasm. For each point you earn, you must answer the following question. Did Hillary Clinton commit an act of classified information mishandling? Ha ha, right? One, absolutely. Two, kind of not.

Three, someone not. Four, completely not. Now, I know those rules sounded strange. That's because those rules were not written by a human or Travis. Those rules were written by a real, publicly available artificial intelligence neural network for this game. It works surprisingly well, especially when you compare the robot to politicians who, let's face it, have occasionally sounded less than authentic. So here's how the game actually works. I'm going to read a real question from the Democratic debate, then I'll read two answers.

One is by a human politician, and one was written by the artificial intelligence doing their best impression of that person who wants to play hi what's your name my name is maggie maggie yeah where you're from maggie i'm from canada you're from canada boo hey i'm sorry before we start i just want to say this was a very fun thing to play with so i I will read one response we got from yesterday. A moderator asks me, John, what do you think of Ronan Farrow? And then robot John Lovett answers, I think he's an amazing journalist. I think he has a lot of guts. There are a lot of reporters out there doing good jobs.

It's also very hard to believe Woody Allen could be accused of doing such a thing. It's so far-fetched and absurd that it's impossible to believe. That's how deep the patriarchy goes. Computers are apologists. It's insidious. So buckle up for

AI. They're on Harvey's side. All right. First question, Maggie. So buckle up for AI. They're on Harvey's side. All right. First question, Maggie. This was the question in the debate. Mr. Yang, you've made a virtue of your outsider status. You've never served in the military or in government. What has prepared you to respond to a terrorist attack or a major disaster?

Here are your options. Was it, as commander-in-chief, I think we need to be focused on the real threats of the 21st century, and what are those threats? Climate change, artificial intelligence, loose nuclear material, military drones, and non-state actors. Or, was it, well, I started to fight terrorists very young. I know this because before I even joined the military, I was running terrorists, and they told me I was a good fight and very skilled,

and I'll be sure to return that skill to the fight. I'm gonna say one. Yep, yep, yep. Next. Senator Klobuchar, you've said this of Mayor Buttigieg, quote, of the women on this stage, do I think that we would be standing on that stage if we had the experience he had? No, I don't. Maybe we're

held to a different standard. Senator, what did you mean by that? Was her answer, well, let me tell you what I mean by that. And let me tell you, and let me explain this for the women here. So when I first got to Congress, people said, and I got a lot of very complimentary comments from men about my hair. In fact, I used to go in on Monday and bring it up. And so they said, oh, it looks like you're trying to attract men. Or was it, women are held to a higher standard. Otherwise, we could play a game called Name Your Favorite Woman President, which we can't do because it has been all men. Number two. Yep,

you got it. Next question. Senator Warren, you have cast yourself as a fighter. If you were elected, though, you would be walking into an existing fight, a country that is already very divided over the Trump presidency. Do you see that divide as permanent, or do you need to bring the country together

if you become president to achieve your goals? Was it? So I think the way to achieve our goals and bring our country together is we talk about the things that unite us, and that is we want to build an America that works for the people, not just works for rich folks. Or was it? Yes, it's a permanent division.

I think the person that will advance the country as far as possible with all of its wealth, its energy, its every resource, its intelligence, the person who can bring people together will be the person who can bridge that divide. Number one? Yeah, you got it. Final question. Senator Harris, North Korea is now threatening to cancel any future summits if President Trump does not make the concessions on nuclear weapons. If you were commander-in-chief, would you make concessions to Kim Jong-un in order to keep those talks going? Was her actual response, the nation needs the toughness of a senator, the tenacity of a prosecutor, and the intelligence of a statesman?

Or was it, we need to do it in a way that understands the part of the strength of who we are as a nation, and therefore an extension of our ability to be secure is not only that we have a vibrant military, but that when we walk in any room around the globe, we are respected because we keep to our word, we are consistent, we speak truth, and we are loyal. Two? You got it. And you've won the game.

The AI has not yet advanced to the point. When we come back, I can't really explain what we're doing. You just, just, it'll be great. Hey, don't go anywhere. There's more of Love It or Leave It coming up. And we're back! In the Trump era, following politics can feel a little like drinking from a fire hose.

If half the water that came out of a fire hose was water, and the other half looked like water, but was actually green alcohol laced with PCP, and about a third of the country was, politically speaking, drunk and tripping on PCP like all the time. Anyways, this was a week packed with revelations, from explosive testimony in the impeachment hearing to blustery exchanges in the Democratic debate. But there was also another, shall we say, breaking news event. And just a reminder, I worked in the White House, and my fiancé won the Pulitzer Prize, so shut up.

And so we'll play a game we almost certainly are going to cut from the show called Who Blew the Whistle? Shut up. You shut up. You respect me and the show, and so you are coming along. Earlier this week on MSNBC, a crime was committed, and we're going to have a congressional hearing to solve it.

I will be a fact witness in the case. Quinta and Aida will be playing the role of those who believe it was Chris Matthews who committed an offense. Guy, you will be playing the role of one of Chris Matthews' defender in the House Flatulence Committee. You will each get to ask questions of me as someone in the room at the time of the so-called incident, and then the committee, all gathered here, will vote. Now we will go to the witness's opening statement.

Thank you, Madam Chairwoman, members of the committee. America is a land of opportunity, and I have always believed in the importance of the free press. So when I got a chance to work at Hardball as a nonpartisan segment producer, I jumped at the chance. And then I witnessed something that, frankly, shocked me to my core.

A friend who saw me in that moment said the color drained from my face. This is the moment at issue. drained from my face. This is the moment at issue. Chris, so far, the evidence is uncontradicted that the president used taxpayer dollars to ask the Ukrainians to help him cheat an election. Allow me to lay down some basic facts about what I know, having been witness to the so-called

toot heard round the world. I would like to say that I am not here as an expert in farts generally. My expertise is in primetime cable news segment production, booking guests, writing prompts, that sort of thing.

Nevertheless, my reputation has been questioned and attacked by coming to testify here when our executive producer said under oath that, and I quote, whoever smelt it dealt it, I was heartbroken. I don't want to live in a country where you are no longer free to say that you smelt it for fear of being accused, therefore, of having been the one who had, in fact, dealt it. For a nation in which American citizens

cannot use their First Amendment rights to have smelt it is a nation where those who have dealt it face no accountability. And so I also want to say clearly before all of you that the sound I heard definitely came from the irregular channel.

I welcome your questions now. We are here today to prove without a shadow of a doubt, that that fart was expelled by Chris Matthews. And sir, I want to thank you for the patriotism you've shown in coming before this committee. Thank you. Thank you for saying that. Thank you.

First of all, I want to establish that this is not an isolated incident for Chris. Take, for instance, this blind item from 2018, which says the following. Which cable news host at MSNBC has such a terrible case of flatulence that guests are running for the doors after appearing live on the cable's host show? Producers have tried everything, from fans to air fresheners and even removing spicy food from the host's dressing room. That's the extent that we'll go to.

But nothing seems to work. It has gotten so bad that now, when you get off the elevators at 30 Rock, you know if this person has been in the building. Beyond the blind item, we have evidence that establishes a pattern here. First from 2012. With me now is Scott Arsenault. He's the executive director of the Florida Democratic Party. And Bob Shrum is a Democratic strategist who's been through a lot of these races. Scott,

just give me the skinny here. Can we get a clean, fair, honest election in Florida tomorrow? Then from 2018. And said that when he pleaded guilty to these charges in the Southern District of New York. But what's different today is that... Finally, finally, from September of this year. If you're taking the President of the United States down into a... Powerball's own Chris Matthews

about to rip ass from a live TV. Listen. ...for this kind of case. Here it comes. So that really depends on how it's ultimately structured if they were able to make some sort of attack you hear that john john i just want to know john john does chris matthews love burger king i'm sorry uh madam chairwoman i'm not in a position to say whether or not he likes or doesn't like Burger King.

Interesting, because we have this clip right here. Here's a recording of him saying this. I love Burger King. It's my favorite. Congressman Eric Swalwell was out of the studio in a noisy, noisy location. If he had farted, it's less likely that the microphone would have picked it up. Isn't that right? I'd like to cede the rest of my time to Chairwoman Quinta Brunson. Point of order, point of order.

Madam Chairwoman. Congressman Branham is not recognized. We have not been able to call important witnesses to these hearings. We have a witness who can testify to farts by Eric Swalwell. A pattern of farts, Madam Chairwoman. You are not recognized. Add gavel sounds in post. There is...

I said add the sounds. Where is the due process? Add the sounds to post. We are not here to examine other farts at this time, Mr. Branham. As you know now, to continue, arearts at this time, Mr. Branham, as you know now to continue. Are you aware, sir, that Howard Stern, a self-described fart scholar, if you will, is adamant that what we heard was Chris Matthews farting?

I'm sorry to say that I'm not aware of that, though that does comport with my understanding of what I heard. The official line from Hardball is that what we heard was the sound of a coffee mug rubbing against the desk, but that is impossible unless the desk is an ass and the cup is

made out of farts. Isn't that right? I would say that it's also possible that maybe he farted a cup. Yeah. Yeah, you say that's possible. That hit glass? Of course. I'm gonna hit you in the head with the glass. The average

person farts between 10 and 20 times per day. Isn't that right? Point of information, Madam Chairwoman. No one is asserting that Chris Matthews is an average person. You have a point. I can't speak to the average number of farts for people generally, but I will only say, based on my experience working at Hardball,

that that is a conservative but fair estimate. Generally assuming that Matthews falls in the middle of that range and assuming that these farts are evenly distributed throughout the day, we can conclude that Matthews has a roughly 60% chance of farting during any given hour. When we consider that Matthews has been doing hardball for more than 20 years, the odds of Matthews not having farted on the air many times is vanishingly small. Wouldn't you agree?

Yes. Mr. Branham, if you would like to take over, thank you. Mr. Lovett, let's just get down to the question at hand. Are you an ever-farter? Are you committed to taking down Mr. Matthews? I will say this. Is this an attempt to have a cover-up? Is this a coup d'etat?

You know, I came here today because I felt an obligation to tell the truth. And the implication that I somehow have a problem with farts generally is belied by my decades of experience in television. I have worked with some of the best in the business, and they all fart. Every single one of them. Broca. Cronkite.

Reclaiming my time. Am I allowed to say that? Reclaim your time. Reclaiming my time. Is it not true, sir, that this whole thing is a kangaroo court of morons determined to take down America's champion Chris Matthews? Sir, not one bad person has ever come from Boston. Is that not the truth? I'd have to, I really can't speak to

who is or is not from Boston, but based on my understanding, I don't, I don't believe that to be true. Let's take this in another direction. Hardball's producers say it was a coffee mug scooting across a glass table that always produces a fart noise. Do you know better than your superiors, John? I find it hard to believe that the coffee cup is touching a glass table. It would make that specific sound. glass table would make that specific sound and as a patriotic curious American like many people across America I immediately and this is real grabbed a coffee cup and tried to create that sound on glass surfaces and wood surfaces and but are are you, sir, a cup scientist?

Can you definitively say that a cup moving across a table cannot make that noise? I cannot definitively say that a cup for the first time in history rubbing against glass on the table before Chris Matthews made the fart sound. But I can say this, Mr. Branham. I can say this. Everybody farts. We're not here today because one man fart sound. But I can say this, Mr. Branham. I can say this. Everybody farts. We're not here today because one man farted. We're here today because one man farted and tried to cover it up and blame others. And if we can't come together and tell the truth about what happened in this studio, a studio where proud men and women work every day, whether someone's farted or not. If

we can't do that, well, I don't think Americans are going to trust the news anymore. And I will only say, finally, this was not an event I merely witnessed with my eyes. And with that, I have to catch a flight. And that's Who Blew the Whistle. When we come back, The Rant Wheel. Don't go anywhere. This is Love It or Leave It and there's more on the way. And we're back! Now it's time

for The Rant Wheel. You know how it works. We spin the wheel wherever it lands. We rant about the topic. This week on the wheel, we have Death Stranding, the new Half-Life game trailer, Social Currency, Princesses, in-app game purchases, the new Cats trailer, Prince Andrew,

and Devin Nunes' wardrobe. Let's spin the wheel. It has landed on in-app purchases in mobile games. I believe it was suggested by Quinta. That's me. So, in-app game purchases

have been looked down upon and I play a game called Homescapes. Anybody in the room? No, they're all smart. But I'm sure some of the listeners at home, while listening to this very podcast, are swiping

this Candy Crush-like game and hoping to restore their grandfather's home. Okay? So, I play this game in my downtime because, guys, I work a lot and, you know, if I don't take the time to clear my mind, I'm going to kill all of you. So sometimes I get stuck on a level, and I can't move the book and the bow tie to make a perfect square, thus getting a bomb

and then blowing up the bottom level to get the points I need to buy the new sink for the kitchen so that my father doesn't die in the game. Classic, classic conundrum. And so I use my hard-earned money, you know, I make quite a bit of it, so I think it's okay. Okay, flex. A small flex to justify the means. I used that money, and I brought five lives. For $5. Thank you.

And so I tweeted about it, and I was shunned. I was canceled, thrown out like yesterday's trash. People, I saw people put me in their list categories on Twitter which I didn't even know people used anymore as just as bad as President Trump. Yeah! And so I'm

here to say that in-app game purchases are alright. You know why? Because you take your money and you go game purchases are alright. You know why? Because you take your money and you go get your nails done, don't you? Or you guys take your money and you go buy a new pair of sneakers. Or you guys take your money

and go to a weird website called Pornhub, and even though it's free, you pay to use it anyway. So if I wanna buy a new table for my digital mansion while I sit in my Studio City two-bedroom apartment, I think that should be accepted because, damn it, this is America. And I can spend my money however I want. Let's spin it again. Thank you for the opportunity. Thank you. That was glorious.

It has landed on princesses. And you know that Guy suggested it. So start talking, Guy. Who's watched The Crown season three? Who's watched it two and a half times over the course of the past week? Look, I mean, people are asking me, The Crown season three, is it good?

To which I reply, do you watch The Crown season two? And say, could less happen? It is white people quietly resenting each other in the most opulent of circumstances, and then sometimes a person speaks Welsh. It is the best television possible. It is, like, everyone loved their Game of Thrones. This Game of Thrones actually happened.

Everyone loved their West Wings. This is like political drama with no actual politics where no one is ever brave or takes a risk because it actually happened. But there are two wonderful things on this show. They are both princesses. There is an all-nonsense princess. It is Helena Bonham Carter as Princess Margaret. this show they are both princesses there is an all-nonsense princess it is helena bonham carter

as princess margaret you have never watched someone drape a fur coat over their shoulders but not put their arms through it and wield a cigarette holder the way that this woman does she cat eyes like no one has cat eyed before. She suntans her décolletage en mystique in a way that makes us all wish we could be a blousy 50-year-old fucking a 20-year-old gardener. But she

is not the best princess. The best princess is Princess Anne. Does she show up like a maximum of four times? Yes. Is she completely irrelevant to the plot?

Also yes. Even on the actor's face can you see that Princess Anne would rather be hanging out with a horse than talking to any of these people? Yes.

But she wins every goddamn scene she walks into because she does not matter and that means she can do whatever the fuck she wants. Oh, will Queen Elizabeth ruin the monarchy?

Will Prince Philip cheat on her or help Mountbatten with a coup? I don't care. No one cares what Princess Anne does, so she just tells people what pieces of shit they are, then storms off to ride her horses. Buh-buh-buh-buh-buh, gay news.

Let's spin it again. Princesses again. It has landed on social currency, by aida okay here i go so i know some of us don't have a lot of money that's just i mean i feel like a lot of you are wearing friend of the pod shirts but haven't paid rent you know and that's okay that's okay i love that for you keep doing that but there is an unspoken currency there's a social currency there's like a unacknowledged platitude right that is when i let you cut me off in traffic and you don't give me a little measly hand wave? You are scum of the earth, piece of shit human being.

It's simple. It's simple. You don't have to have money to appease me. You just gotta show me that you care. Give me a little hand nod. Give me a little head nod when I see you. You know exactly what I'm talking about. And it's not

a simple thing. It takes foresight. It takes consideration. It does. But if you don't say thank you after I hold the door for you in public, what are you saving your energy for? To comb your fur out when you get home

because you're a fucking animal? Woo! Were you raised in a barn? What is going on? I'm from Nebraska and I have more social awareness than this. And maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I'm wrong. I'm only 22.

Maybe my brain's not fully developed. They're going to boo you. For what? Saying you're 22 is incredibly rude. I'm sorry. You had me until you said you were 22. I was like, this girl, wait. Check your eye skin quality privilege, okay?

I'm quite literally a child still. Like, my brain is in its first trimester. And even I know to say, bless you, when you sneeze. The second time. Do you understand? So that is quite literally where I'm at, is I'm very mad that some of you act like you have no home training. That's it.

That's my whole thing. Let's spin it again. It has landed on Half-Life colon Alex. How many of you know what this is? I have nary a clue. I have no idea. Here's the thing. have nary a clue. I have no idea. Here's the thing. I've waited a very long

time. A very long time for a new Half-Life game. It is from a company called Valve that made some of the greatest video games ever made. They made Half-Life. They made Half-Life 2. They made Portal. They made Portal 2.

And then they made this service called Steam, which is basically like a marketplace where you can buy games for the PC. And then they just stopped focusing on games, even though they were the best at making games. And it is very frustrating because I've been waiting for Portal 3 for, what, a decade more?

The point is this. I have been streaming on Twitch a game called Death Stranding. And as far as I can tell, it is a game where you play a Postmates man from the future in a world with ghosts and a lot of rocky terrain. And the menu system is so complicated, I finally ended the stream and threw my controller across the room. Valve, make some more games.

I cannot wait another decade for a Portal sequel. It is one of the best video games ever made and this Half-Life sequel seems like it's VR-focused and terrifying and I don't know that I'm made of strong enough stuff to play it. I will close only by saying this.

And that's our show. I want to thank Guy Branum, Aida Osman, Gwynja Brunson, The Improv, Fiona Hill, Nancy Pelosi,

and most of all, thank you to my congressman, Adam Schiff. Have a great night. Thank you all my congressman, Adam Schiff. Have a great night. Thank you all for coming out. Love It or Leave It is a product of Crooked Media. It is written and produced by me, John Lovett, Elisa Gutierrez, Lee Eisenberg,

our head writer and Michael Bloomberg speechwriter, Travis Helwig, and writers Jocelyn Kaufman, Alicia Carroll, and Peter Miller. Bill Lance is our editor and Frank Tadek is our sound engineer. Our theme song is written and performed Thank you.