Lovett or Leave It - Wallentine’s Day

Episode Date: February 16, 2019

Love and hate are in the air. Trump declares a national emergency to please his TV dads. High speed rail slows down. Jussie Smollett confronts doubters. 2020 Dems sounds alike at times. The Oscars cut important awards. And a game with a special Valentine’s Day surprise that even melted Tre’vell’s heart. Michaela Watkins, Megan Gailey, and Tre’vell Anderson join Jon to break down a big week of news.

Good evening, Los Angeles. Los Angeles. Thank you for coming out to the late show. We are back at the improv. We are also about to head back on the road. We'll be at the Chicago Theater in Chicago on February 27th. Tickets

are almost gone there. They really are. There's just a few left. At the Orpheum in Madison, Wisconsin on March 2nd. Also, just a few left. At the Orpheum in Madison, Wisconsin on March 2nd. Also, just a few left there. And we'll be at the Pabst Theater in Milwaukee on March 3rd. There are so many tickets left in Milwaukee. And I know that you're not supposed to say that. You're supposed to be like, hey, Milwaukee, get the last few tickets.

Hey, Milwaukee, I'm going to treat you with some fucking respect. You show me some goddamn respect. Happy Valentine's Day, everybody. If you're single, it's fine. There's been an argument playing out this week in Washington and California over high-speed rail, while our nihilist Teletubby of a president, makes sense, while he declares an emergency over the wall I want to take a moment to talk about this high speed rail issue

for a long time here in California we were led by a marble headed highly competent immortal named Jerry Brown during his four centuries of leadership California led on climate change we created a government surplus we fought to improve public transportation

and Jerry Brown even imprisoned the genie who granted his one wish to look 64 for all of eternity. So you pick 64 because no one questions it. No one thinks a 64-year-old guy is going to live forever, right? If he had picked Dorian Gray, 27 or something, you'd be like, something's fishy. There's a painting that shows his age and his sins. But not Jerry Brown. He said, make it 64. They'll never suspect that I'm going to be here for a thousand fucking years. One of the projects Jerry Brown championed was a high-speed rail line from San Francisco to Los Angeles. It was always going to be daunting, but the timeline kept getting

longer and the budget kept getting bigger like Avatar movies. Then we elect Gavin Newsom, who in his first State of the State did not do his signature move of marrying gay people, his Thunder Road. Constantly marrying gay people, that guy. Against their will at times. No, he said the LHSF project would cost too much and respectfully take too long. I don't know who that is respectful of, but he was respectful about it and we like that. Did he offer a plan to get the cost down? He did not. To fulfill the proposition that voters passed in 2008 to get this done? He did not.

No, Governor Handsome and Slick in a way you think will annoy you, but then who you begrudgingly like because he is genuinely smart and informed despite the slickness, Newsom, said the state will instead focus on the Central Valley part of the route from Merced to Bakersfield, which according to him

could bring about economic transformation in the region. The goal was to connect the Central Valley to the coast, not to itself. A train from SF to LA is a train that fucks. A train from Merced to Bakersfield is a train that masturbates. But here's why this matters to the whole country. Governor Newsom said something that really bothered me. He said we need to be real about why the project won't work.

And being real means accepting less and it means doing less. Why is it real for a high-speed rail line to run from Madrid to Barcelona when San Francisco and L.A. are the same distance apart and have ten times as many people? Why is it real in the U.K. and France and Germany and Japan and South Korea and China? Why is it real in the UK and France and Germany and Japan and South Korea and China? Why is it real everywhere else but here? Trump mocked the goal of high-speed rail and the Green New Deal as well. And as Democrats who believe in public works, who believe in public transit as a way to fight climate change and lift people out of poverty, we're in this trap between Republicans who don't believe government can do anything and the so-called realists who tell us that government can do less and less and it sucks. Chris Christie canceled the ARC project,

which is something I always come back to, along with Joe Lieberman killing the Medicare buy-in for 50 plus, because it was one of the most despicable and cynical acts I've seen in politics. And it was one person making a terrible decision that hurt an entire state. This was a tunnel that was supposed to go under the Hudson to connect Manhattan and this place, it says here it's called New Jersey. I don't know what it is, but it was supposed to connect Manhattan to this other place, this new place. And he blamed costs. Newsom is a progressive governor in a progressive state. It's the fifth largest economy in the world. He has a full head of fucking hair.

We can do this. And I don't think Newsom should be lecturing us on what's real. I think it's up to us in California to show people what is real. That it is still possible for America to fucking build something. Because this isn't New Jordski. New Jersko. It doesn't sound right. I know it's close.ordski. New Jersko. It doesn't sound right. I know it's close.

Jor-zee, Jersko. This is California. And we want a train that fucks. Hope you like that. It's my slogan. When I primary Gavin Newsom. I don't even know when he's up. When he's up? 2024? Love it, 2024. A train that fucks. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Put it on red hats. People are like, I know what he's for.

Not like these other Democrats. It's all pablum, but not love it. What's he want? A fucking train. All right. We have an amazing all-star panel of returning guests tonight. I'd love it or leave it. She is a comedian that you can hear on the NFL's The Checkdown, and you can hear her on Crooked

Media's very own Hysteria. Please welcome back Megan Gailey. How you doing, Megan? Oh, boy. I spilled my Pinot Grigio. I did, too. Oh, you did? I spilled my vodka soda. I do think a late show makes you a little... Exactly.

A little wackier. Oh, no, it's on my pants. He's the director of culture and entertainment at Out Magazine. Please welcome back Travelle Anderson. Woo! Hi, Travelle. Yes. Oh, okay.

Okay. All right. I feel like that was a little defensive. You helped her, and I was just making sure you would help me as well. Oh, yes, yes. I'm the one in heels tonight, okay? I'm just saying. You're right.

You're right. I was projecting. I was the defensive one. You were. She's an actress, comedian, and a new regular on Crooked's Hysteria. Please welcome back Michaela Watkins. Hi, Michaela. Hi, Michaela.

Hi, John. Happy Valentine's Day. And to you. Happy Valentine's to the whole panel. Love isn't real. Thank you. Oh! You were thinking it. Come on, leave me alone. Were they? Let's get into it. What a week.

This week, Congress agreed on a bipartisan bill on immigration that will keep the government open and avert another shutdown. The deal swaps about $1.3 billion in funding for new border fencing. No wall allowed. That $1.3 billion for fencing is less than the Democrats agreed upon in December before Trump shut the government down, meaning he is getting less than he would have gotten if he never shut the government down. Naturally, this plan is not racist enough for Ann Coulter and Trump's TV dads. They want Trump to reject the proposal. Trump said on Tuesday he is unhappy with the agreement, but that he is unlikely to shut down the government. Instead, the White House issued a statement via the Notes app.

Most sophisticated communications operation in the history of planet Earth. And Sarah Huckabee Sanders is tweeting out a screenshot from the fucking Notes app. The Notes app. That's the thing where singers apologize

for wearing inappropriate costumes. That's where people say things like, we remain friends even though our relationship has come to an end. The Notes app. That's where you jot down little ideas you had, like a cup holder that attaches to your shoe. They said, via the Notes app,

President Trump is going to declare a fucking national emergency to build his wall. The emergency will almost certainly prompt a court challenge from critics arguing that he is usurping two centuries of congressional control over spending. There's also a chance that this could play out in Congress. The House could pass something to stop the national emergency. It would force a vote in the Senate. Travelle, start with you. On the one hand, this is just a way for Trump to save face because he has conceded in this negotiation and doesn't want to shut the government down.

Yet on the other hand, Trump is declaring a national emergency. It's a dangerous precedent. Does this feel like fascism for the cameras or do you feel like this is a dangerous development? You know, I'm just ready to fight. You know, that's like I'm at that point now where I've absorbed all of this foolishness coming from the White House. And I'm just ready to kick off my heels, take off the earrings, and get ready. You know? I feel like our government right now is steeped in foolishness. And they're okay with being steeped in foolishness.

They're like, it's fine. Everything's all right. You know that meme with the little dog that's sitting in the fire room? And it's like, this is fine. I feel like that's what our government is right now. And so I feel like they're just, you know, trying to save face and all these interesting ways, but it's really not benefiting any Americans that they say they're supposed to be representing. I'm just, I'm ready for something different. Oh, we're all ready for something different. Aren't we? Megan, do you remember a time

when we talked about other issues than this border wall? Well, but that's what's so scary. It's almost like when something gets too sad and hard, we're on to the next one. I still think about the kids a lot.

Not every day, but a lot. You know what? He's just a terrible human being. And we're all under massive assault right now. And I just feel like our life is just this never-ending horror story where if I had to explain it to somebody, I'd be like, well, imagine you're at home and everything's nice. And then somebody decides that they should move a rapist into your house. Yeah. And you're like, oh, I don't want to go to the living room anymore and then somebody decides that they should move a rapist into your house.

Yeah. And you're like, oh, I don't want to go to the living room anymore because that guy's going to be there. And, like, somebody invited him in. And then all of a sudden you got a, you know, there was like a problem. You have a leak in your house. I'm great with metaphors. You have a leak in your house, okay? You have a rapist and a leak?

A rapist and a leak. A rapist and a leak. You didn't have a rapist before. The rapist is new, and so now you just feel creeped out and weird all the time in your house. And then the rapist says, you know, when it rains, you know what will collect all the water? House plants. You should just get a ton of house plants that I can write my name on, and I'll write my name on all. I'm going somewhere with this, I think.

I don't know. Maybe not. We'll see. I will write my name on all these houseplants. And you're like, I don't know. Maybe we need a better drainage system, you know, to sort of like cull the water and, you know, have it go to where kind of you want it to go

and maybe where it's needed and where it would be better off. And, you know this asshole is like no houseplants and then everybody votes and they're like we think houseplants is dumb and then he says okay fine we will I'm gonna buy my own houseplants but I'm gonna break into the earthquake kit and sell off those items to pay for the houseplants because you can't put a name on a drainage system. This is my metaphor for what is happening. I'm so sorry.

No. No, I'm glad. I liked it. Houseplants. Houseplants. That's going to solve everything. And then there's an earthquake. And then the earthquake.

You're fucked. And he's like, Barack Obama caused the earthquake. Now, have no fear, alright, even though Trump is expanding presidential authority without limit to declare an emergency to respond to a manufactured crisis that he only decided

became an emergency after Congress wouldn't do what he wanted two years into his presidency. Republicans in the Senate are standing up to say, Grassley, I wish he wouldn't have done it. Rand Paul, I'm not really for it. Rubio, bad idea. Alexander, unnecessary. Susan Collins, mistake.

Pat Toomey, not enthusiastic. Roy Blunt, I have some concerns. Tillis, this is the best one. I always kind of take pause. This is like not what you say during a constitutional crisis. This is what you say when someone used the wrong fork. That could also be all of those people's campaign slogans for themselves. And they can take that from me. Grassley, use it. Run with it. Grassley, not a fan. His mouth is so

dry. I wish he wouldn't have done it. Us too. That is all that they can muster. Yeah. Quickly, if we have a Democratic president, she can declare a national emergency. What's the emergency? What are you going for?

You know, like kids blowing each other's heads off. That's an emergency. That's a good emergency. Climate change. That's an emergency. Solid emergency. Solid, yeah. Getting another season of Russian Doll on the books.

Why is that the one you applauded for the most you psychopaths gotta get up gotta get up it makes me so happy every time I hear it gosh I hate to go after that Russian doll one but maybe healthcare for everybody and they knew they should applaud more than Russian doll and they still didn't

anyway let's see if the Republicans in the Senate do anything. I'm just kidding. When we come back, OK Stop! Hey, don't go anywhere. There's more of Love It or Leave It coming up. And we're back! Now it's time for a game called OK Stop.

We'll roll a clip, and the panel can say OK Stop at any point to comment. I'm sorry. Buckle up. Howard Schultz. No, we're going to do it. You know why we're going to do it? Because Howard Schultz decides

he's going to actually do this and run. We're going to ignore him. We're going to try to push him aside. But we have a chance now to convince this dope to get the fuck out of this race and not take the country down. So we're gonna talk about how he's messing this up and making a fool of himself

till he gets the message. I'm getting him that open look. We're gonna get the message to Howard Schultz. I mean, every barista I tell them. Howard Schultz, a man so rich he can't be embarrassed, showed up for CNN's town hall, and let's just say he truly spoke in sentences. Roll the clip. The far left is now suggesting Medicare for all. That is a $32 trillion number, and just like the issue I brought up before about making all the buildings in America energy... Okay stop. Okay stop. What was funny? What is she laughing? What was the punchline?

She laughed! She was in. She was in. She was like, that energy before. Howard, you get me every time. Trillionaires? You're talking my language. Free in terms of clean energy? Does anyone here really understand that Medicare for All also means

that you will lose the choice of your doctor and your private insurance company? Okay, stop. I just, even if this guy doesn't run, he is just going to spend his time talking about health, talking about energy, talking about the budget by just using right-wing talking points. And you know what? He's got Democrat advisors and he's got Republican advisors. All I hear is someone who has spent a lifetime claiming to be a Democrat going on television and attacking Democrats and attacking liberals and saying things like Medicare for all is unrealistic, doing anything about climate change like the Green New Deal

is unrealistic. I don't like them. It'll cost $32 trillion. There's no doubt that once again, the healthcare crisis has been with us for a long time. The other issue is I stand- Okay, stop. Do rich people know that they can just go away? Like, he can live on an island where he cannot have Medicare for all

and do whatever he wants. He could, like, fuck a goat and we wouldn't know. Like, the world is his Starbucks oyster. We would have been skipping into the sunset going, oh, my God, I love Frappuccinos. And yet he wants to, I just don't understand. I also, you know, he's a smart man. Is he?

I don't know. You thought long and hard about it. Before this, I believed he was a smart person. I think it's a very hard job running several thousand Starbuckses at once. You know, that would be, I mean, look, if you told me tomorrow I'm in charge of all the Starbuckses, I'm in a full fucking panic. I am in a panic, and I am very much hoping that a lot of the processes and systems that he put in place will work for a while while I learn the ropes. I'm thinking

every store needs coffee. Every single one, every day. New coffee coming in. The right amount of coffee. Send them too much, they got nowhere to put it. Don't send them enough, you got a Starbucks running out of coffee. Huge fucking problem. Then, on top of that, now you've got the coffee

worked out. Every single one needs an even number of sous vide egg bites. My friend told me to order her a jackfruit refresher. I was like, I either haven't been to Starbucks in a million years or they've really expanded.

And I'm pretty sure, and I think that might be a taco. And that's the other thing. You gotta learn, just learn in all the terms. Teavana. Refresher. Trenta. Sous-vide egg bites.

They got so many different kinds of breakfast sandwiches and they all got the logistical process of making all those eggs and by the way those sous vide egg bites I think the first ingredient is cottage cheese so then you're figuring out how to make cottage cheese into eggs

but you know what they haven't figured out how to do any of those breakfast sandwiches without meat I mean you can ask for it without meat but you can't just get an egg and cheese you have to get an egg and cheese and sausage without sausage. This is true. I'm just saying, Travell, to your earlier question, I think he is probably smart.

Or he has smart people around him. Yeah, but you know what? He went to Italy and he's like, I think I can get 50 billion Americans to buy this. I think if I burn these beans and put an O at the end, I'm going to be a fucking billionaire. That's some savvy stuff. Valid point.

I supported the Affordable Care Act. It covered 20 million people who did not have good insurance, but premiums have gone up double since the Affordable Care Act. So now we've got to go back in and fix the Affordable Care Act and bring premiums down. Competition will do that. Okay, stop. Whoa, that's it.

That was an idea. What do you mean competition will do that? He doesn't really know. We don't know because he hasn't thought very deeply about what he wants to do. He is running because of all the things he wants to stop.

In fact, one of the things he has been signaling is that he will not run if the Democrats nominate a centrist, which is just another way of saying, I am holding the Democratic Party hostage to my personal beliefs. That if you don't go along with the kind of person I like, because I'm a billionaire, I will run. And even though, you know, Crooked Media put out a report by Joel Benison, who was an Obama pollster, a really smart pollster. He gave Howard Schultz the benefit of the doubt. He said, all right, let's say you do really, really well.

And I'm going to take away states where the Democrats won by a bunch. I'm going to take away states where Republicans won by a bunch. And I'm going to say you do really, really well in all the states that are close, all the states where you can come up the middle. For people at home listening, I made a gesture. He can't do it under the most generous of of of estimations and the most uh uh liberal of vote tallies he cannot get to 270 electoral votes but what he can do is re-elect donald fucking trump and so now he's standing out there saying that he's a positive guy and he's against revenge politics but it's pretty clear that the only thing that motivates him is making sure Democrats aren't for a few policies that he personally doesn't like for reasons he doesn't fully fucking understand.

But can I ask a legit... Solid. Very solid. Can I ask a legitimate question? Is it possible that he could leech more billionaire sycophants off of the right than off of the left? I think the problem is he is talking about a socially liberal, fiscally conservative agenda. There is no constituency for that. Liberals don't want that.

And conservatives don't want that. He is not doing anything to appeal to the right. All he is doing is attacking the left. He's not making a, you haven't seen him outline any conservative things. He is outlining a centrist agenda that's somewhere on the spectrum between Joe Manchin and Barack Obama. Right? That's what he's outlining. So he's outlining something that doesn't appeal to conservatives while trying to drag the Democratic Party to the right and trying to attack Democratic ideas.

That is what he has spent his time doing. But how at the end of this will he or won't he, can he come away with it and be like, I think people really like me. You know, like this is the unpopularity contest of the ages. I think that there is clearly no limit to what he can convince himself about himself. And it's what rich guys will do.

I mean, in middle school, there was a kid, nobody liked him, but he had a big screen TV and he had Breakfast Club, and we went in his house and we watched it. I hope that just like eight generations after this, those grandchildren, grandchildren, grandchildren, whatever it is, they're like, man, I could have had a Porsche today. But my piece of shit, great, great, great, great,

great, great, great grandfather wanted to say doctors didn't matter. The question is how? Good question. Okay, stop. She got me. The question is how. Good question.

Okay, stop. Listen, the MVP, okay, asking the questions that we all want answers to. Okay, I don't know who that is. Who is that? No one knows. Okay, cool. But I hope she's a journalist and so I can speak up for the journalists that actually do their job. It's Poppy Harlow. I don't know who that is.

It's Poppy Harlow, goddammit. Are you sure Poppy Harlow? You're just gonna keep saying her name over and over. Poppy Harlow, I want you to remember. Okay. Poppy Harlow. I can remember Poppy. It's a great name, Poppy Harlow.

Is it? Oh, it's a great... It's definitely Howard Schultz's name that he could talk to. I'll talk to a Poppy and a Buffy and no one else. The voice over your shoulder over here. As somebody who grew up in a very diverse background as a young boy.

Okay, stop. Stop. Okay. We want to see the photos, okay? We want the proof. I want to see the street you grew up on and all of your neighbor's photos before I buy into that howie.

And what we know is that he's one of those guys who likes to say, I grew up in the projects, right? And projects is a word that we use that is race that usually means poor black folks. But he grew up with a bunch of poor white folks. Yeah, he's like, there was an Irish family, there was an Italian family. So diverse, yeah.

I think that there maybe was a Ukrainian second generation that had fled something. As a kid, if you wanted to talk on the phone, you had to get a cup and a string and a cup, and it was, like, fun, but then we got bored, but we still played with it. I rolled a hoop down the street. I took a hoop and a stick,

and then I made everybody buy weird coffee forever. I didn't see color as a young boy. Stop. So I'll start, and then I'll let you all finish. I think you should finish. I think we just need you, actually. I mean, I don't know. I'm just saying.

I just... Anytime a white person says that they don't see color i just i put on this voice right here because because i just don't understand because what you're saying is you don't see me and i've got a lot of colors on today right um And so I'm just confused that we're still using that in 2019 and you're potentially, possibly running for president of the United States. It just seems stupid at this point.

He also said as a young boy he didn't see color, so one day he woke up and said, I see black people! So he has walked this back, as they say. And good for him. Congrats to the, again,

crack team around Howard Schultz shepherding this PR juggernaut to its logical conclusion, which is dancing with the stars. But I'll tell you what my honest reaction was to this. And again, it goes to Travelle's incisive question earlier. Is he? Because as I said,

when Howard Schultz first embarked on this gambit, I respected Howard Schultz for a variety of reasons and did genuinely like him and thought that he did better than most of his contemporaries in terms of running a company that had a sense of responsibility. Not perfect, not by a long shot, but better than most. And when I saw this, I'll tell you what I honestly thought. I was like, Bill Burton, this fucking schmuck? This is what you're going to do? You're going to go work for this fucking guy?

This schmuck? That is a schmuck. A schmuck says that. Not a leader of men, an executive, a titan of super dudes of Silicon Valley and Seattle, wherever the coffee headquarters is. That's what a schmuck says. That's what Michael Scott says. This is a schmuck. And you know what, Howard Schultz? I don't want to call you a schmuck, all right? I don't like that you've put me in this position. Honestly, don't seek color now. Oh, well, I was wrong. Howard, you made a liar out of me. And that's OK Stop.

When we come back, a special Valentine's Day game. Don't go anywhere. This is Love It or Leave It, and there's more on the way. And we're back! We are recording this on Valentine's Day, which we all know is the most romantic day of the year. Besides, of course, Darren Criss' birthday. But since tonight, love is in the air, I thought we'd celebrate Washington's unlikely love stories

in a game we are calling Not-So-Strange Bedfellows. In this game, a panelist will read a Valentine's love letter from someone in politics, and you'll have to guess to whom they are writing the love letter. Would someone out there like to play the game? Hi, what's your name? Sean. Sean. Yes.

How you doing? Pretty good. Are you ready to play the game? Yes. All right. So we're going to read you a letter, all right? And you will have to identify to whom the letter is being sent. Okay?

The first comes from Elizabeth Warren. To my dearest love, some may question my endless devotion to you. Me, a left-wing populist. You, a show about being rich and getting chicks. Nevertheless, I persist. about being rich and getting chicks. Nevertheless, I persist, Sunday nights at 10 p.m. Eastern, to see Dwayne the Rock Johnson and his massive thundering pecs,

adorned in custom Italian suits, while Rob Corddry has a B-plot about skateboarding or something. As I watch Ricky Jarrett, our shining star, bouncing from team to team, I see myself in him. Bouncing from Senate committee to Senate committee. Standing up to banks, each of us on a journey. Each of us searching for meaning. What can I say about you that isn't said by the number 69%?

Which is your critic score on Rotten Tomatoes. And the odds that you'll see breasts in any given episode, babe, you put the home in Home Box Office. From executive producers Mark Wahlberg and Steven Levinson, straight to my heart. What do you think, Sean? This is not a multiple choice. It is not. Buckle up.

I could make up some A, Bs, and Cs for him. No. Okay. Can anyone out there help him? Oh, ballers. It is. It's ballers. I guess you got it.

I thought it was supposed to be a person. Valentine's number two. This one comes from Fox News. Hey, girl. We couldn't let this V-Day go by without letting our number one girl know how special she is. Maybe this comes as a surprise, since it seems like we don't like you.

But we read the game in 2007, and girl, we are nagging you. And when you see a 70-year-old man in a bow tie claiming you got your values from Venezuela, just know that that's just us peacocking, putting on a show for you. Before you, it was hard to fill out airtime with uninterrupted fear-mongering from men with loose necks, but then you swooped in with your cape and gave us something to scream about.

Our favorite four-letter word. Socialism. Sure, that's wrong, but at Fox News we have a saying. Being wrong has never felt so right. Roses are red, violets are blue. Your deal is green, and we want to destroy you. Yours forever, Fox News.

What do you think, Sean? Uh, AOC. You got it! What do you think, Sean? AOC. You got it. Now it's time for Valentine's number three. This one comes from Ted Cruz.

A Valentine from Ted Cruz. Are you there, sexy? It's me, teddy bear. But I know you're there. Unlike everything else in my life, I can rely on you to be there for me no matter what. You don't find me off-putting. You never leave my side.

In the past, have I cowered in the face of adversity? Yes. Have I succumbed to the slightest pressures from the president? Well, of course. Did I accidentally like incest cuckold porn on Twitter? Why, sure, you bet. But now, finally, I have a shield to hide behind. Thin as your veil, maybe, you are my safeguard, my love, my only friend. Look at me now. I'm getting creative. I'm taking risks. I am not the soft-chin man I once was.

I am a bear of the right. I am the beast of the senator. All because of you. Oh, and I'm sorry if I sometimes don't know how to put the line in the right place. My dad didn't teach me how to shave. He was busy killing John F. Kennedy. Yours truly, Ted. His beard?

You got it, Sean! All right, Sean. It is time for the final letter. This one you have to guess both who it's from and who it's to. You ready? Okay. The first time I met you, I knew. This guy's something, all right.

It was 2016. We were all looking for that special someone. America kind of fucked that up, but you and me, we didn't. Now here we are, three years later, as invested in each other as we are in politics, podcasting Game of Thrones, dreaming of a future with Medicare for All and a French bulldog we snuck into our apartment

without the landlord figuring it out. And to think, if we trusted Tinder more than OKCupid, we never would have even met at the Republic of Pi to begin with. Sean, who is that love letter from, and who is it to? I believe it is my boyfriend to me. Ryan has just proposed to Sean. And Sean said yes.

Oh my God, love is real. Love is real, Travelle. It is real. Love is real. You melted Travelle's cold heart. One more time for Ryan and Sean. When we come back, we'll play a game

about Democratic talking points. Hey, don't go anywhere. There's more of Love It or Leave It coming up. And we're back! 2020 is upon us. And there are a lot of candidates, more all the time. At Crooked Media, we don't want to put a thumb on the scales for anyone, but we do want to talk about the policies and messages these candidates are offering,

what we like and what we don't. The good news is we have a lot of inspiring candidates making a strong case, not only for their own candidacies, but for a different kind of president, one that isn't just a machine for converting Big Macs into racist diatribes. The bad news? Sometimes good old fashioned pablum sneaks in, the kind of bland, democratic blah blah blah that just won't cut it when facing the technicolor lies of Donald Trump. In fact, some of their introductory videos and speeches were a little vague, to the point

where we don't think our panel can tell them apart. And we want to highlight this in a game we are calling platitude adjustment. Up on the screen, we have the following names. Kamala Harris, Elizabeth Warren, Amy Klobuchar, Tulsi Gabbard, Julian Castro, Pete Buttigieg, Cory Booker, and John Delaney. I'll read a quote from a candidate, and the panelists will have to guess who said it. You guys are one team competing together. Are you ready?

Okay, that's good. Wait a minute. What's at stake here? Parachute sheets? Nothing. We're all going to get engaged. Okay. Quote number one.

We are here at this moment in time because we must answer a fundamental question. Who are we? Who are we as Americans? So let's answer that question to the world and each other right here and right now. Oh, maybe it's Kluvashar. What? Who's that?

I need an answer. What are we going with? I thought it was Warren, but maybe I'm wrong. We're going with Warren. Wrong. It was Kamala Harris. Kamala Harris. Travelle wanted to go for it. It's okay maybe I'm wrong. Wrong. It was Kamala Harris. Travelle wanted to go for it. That's okay.

There's no sheets involved. Okay, that was our second guess. Sure. All right. Quote number two. So we got it right. Yeah, remember when we booed Sean for not knowing ballers? And now he's fucking engaged.

I mean. Life comes at you fast. I mean, tides have turned. Okay. Quote number two. We stand for the better America that we know we can be. That's our message. It's not even complicated.

I feel like Cory Booker said that. Oh. I feel like he's been talking a lot about his girlfriend no one's seen. No. If there was like, I have a girlfriend. You're not about to get me caught up in that. I can't. I mean,

it's somebody who's clearly a Nancy Meyers fan. Okay, so we're, okay, so we're. They thought it was very, so that's,

complicated. Yeah, so, okay. It's the only time to use that word in a sentence. Yeah, someone who's seen book club.

Maybe it's, what's his name? I want to go with what you said, because you were right last time. Oh, you were right. Okay, so you want to say Cory Booker. Wow. Cory Booker. I want to go with what you said, because you were right last time. Oh, you were right. Okay, so you want to say Cory Booker. We're going to go with Cory Booker. Incorrect. It was Mayor Pete Buttigieg. I told you it was Buttigieg!

Travelle, you guys have a... You said Nancy Meyers, and I thought gay. I was... We were getting there. They were there. You guys are doing so great. That's the gay one, right? Buttots is just the gay one, right? Okay, just making sure I didn't like... I think he'd probably prefer gay mayor than the gay one, but sure.

You know what I meant. Last and final clue. We are all tired of the shutdowns, the put-downs, the gridlock, and the grandstanding. Together, we can set our sights on the challenges before us, look up, look at each other, and look ahead. It's somebody who's a Hamilton fan. Yeah, it definitely has high school teacher vibes, too. That's probably Cory Booker. Yeah, was anyone in Dangerous Minds?

That's a Cory Booker feel, for sure. Yeah, I almost want to go with Cory Booker on that one. Okay, we're finally at a consensus. want to go with Cory Booker on that one. Okay, we're finally at a consensus. We're going with Cory Booker. Oh, for three,

it was Amy Klobuchar. Who is that? But I loved your process because I felt like through the process you were close. You didn't say anything about snowballs

the whole time. There wasn't anything about snow in it. Yeah. That's true. Right. You've lost the game. Okay. It happens. It's fine. It in it. That's true. You've lost the game. Okay.

It happens. It's fine. It does happen. It's hard. You'll pick yourselves up and buy your straps. Our straps? Bra straps? Boot straps? When we come back,

the rant wheel. Don't go anywhere. This is Love It or leave it, and there's more on the way. And we're back! Now it's time for the rant wheel. You know how it works. We spin the wheel wherever it lands.

We rant on the topic. This week on the wheel, we have the Jussie Smollett attack. We have names of the characters in TV scripts. We have Instant Hotel. Oscar is not airing categories like editing and cinematography. We have agency packaging.

We have Trump calling for Omar's resignation. We have corporate Twitters with emotions and Ellen scaring celebrities. Let's spin the wheel. It has landed on names of characters suggested by Michaela. Yeah. So I'm reading a lot of scripts lately because I'm very unemployed. And I can't help but notice, okay, there's this thing that happens.

You get a script, okay? It's fun. It's nice. And you get so excited because somebody thought of you. And then it says something like, playing the role of Catherine Bichon is Kate Winslet. And we also, John Hamm is set for the role of Dean Withersbottom, something gorgeous, right? And then the next line always says, please take a look at the role of Joan.

And you see that, and you're like, Joan is a sucky role. Is anybody here a writer? You write things in this room? Okay, great. Can I ask a legit question? Do you have a lot of friends named Joan? Is anybody here named Joan? Anybody under 40? Anybody under 50? Do you have a friend named Joan? Joan, my friend Joan. I've played like 17 Jones, okay? Then you see Judy. Judy. There's Judy Greer and that's it.

And she's awesome and she gets to be the Judy. But you don't have a friend named Judy. You don't have a friend named Judy who's 38 or 42 or 47. You don't have a friend named Judy. Everybody's friend is fucking named Judy in every goddamn script. Or Marla. You have a friend named Marla?

No. It means your role is dog shit. It means that your role is like, you basically, you flip through the first 30 pages and maybe you show up at a party where you give your friend and I, like, we should go and then

like on page 68 you finally sit down and go well at least you and Dean are making love I mean Carl and I like do you know a Carl Judy's fucking married to Carl. I sometimes give Carl a handy because, you know, not only does Judy suck, her sex life sucks, her husband sucks, she's there just to be like,

Pam. Oh, Pam. There's one. Janice. You guys got a lot of friends named Janice? Because I've played three. Three friends named Janice. What about Poppy Harlow? That's a nice name.

Why can't that be the name of a friend? Poppy, oh, she's fun. She gets off. You know, like, my friend Aya is here. That's my friend's name. I'm the star of my movie. My friend's name is Aya. That's a beautiful name. Do I ever get that name?

No. Here comes... Here comes Marblar. That's her name. Marblar. You've seen a lot of Marblar? Anyway, writers, just because you have a lame-o friend

who doesn't do shit, in your script, just give them a fucking normal name. And like, pepper them with a personality. It's not hard. Have a great day. Let's spin it again.

You know, somebody once told me they use their alumni magazine because it has people by age, and you flip to the year of somebody graduated, of the age you want, a character, and just check out the names. And there you go back to, you know, the class of 42. You see your Eunices. This is a great hack.

You see your Esters. That presumes everybody went to college and gets their magazine. But yeah, it's a great hack, though. I don't know if you see what's coming out of Hollywood, but everyone went to college in these movies. It has landed on the Jussie Smollett attack, suggested by Travelle. Okay. I'm taking a deep breath because I'm two vodka cranberries in, and I want to do this justice. Okay.

So where do I begin? So we know that over two weeks ago, about two weeks ago, Jussie Smollett said he was attacked. He says a variety of things that surmise us to believe that the attack was racially motivated and homophobic and all these other things. Earlier today, we've seen so many quote-unquote unconfirmed sources make all these allegations that basically amount to people believing that Jussie Smollett is lying about being attacked.

And I happened to write an op-ed this morning at outmagazine.com. Oh, no, it's out.com. They're going to kill me. Basically saying that, you know, I believe Jussie Smollett. And I think that we are in a moment in which we have talked about the importance of believing people who say they're victims. And in the particular conversations we've talked about, particularly believing women who say they're victims of sexual abuse, other types of violence. And it just strikes me as interesting

that there seems to be so much energy around painting Jussie Smollett as a liar. And I personally can't divorce that from him being someone who's black, him being a black male and him being a black gay male. And I think we do ourselves a disservice by picking and choosing who we choose to believe in these situations. I think we are, stop me at any point.

No. Because I'm saying I can go. I've been feeling things. Okay. And so I just want to say, I mean, I think that we're in a moment where we talk about, like, you know, the importance of media literacy. And we talk about the importance of, like, making sure that you're getting your facts from places that are actually giving you facts. And what that means is that we've ultimately allowed many of the members who we say to be of our press, whether that's conservative or whether that's liberal or somewhere in between. we say to be of our press, whether that's conservative or whether that's liberal or somewhere in between. And we were in this moment where everyone wants to be like, oh, I've got this

top source that is saying this information. I'm just going to tweet it out so that I can say that my name is on this particular story. And then we find out 10 minutes later by the Chicago Police Department, which I mean, who's believing police and trusting police these days? I don't know. But in this particular situation, they're saying that whatever these press members are saying that their sources have said around these attacks aren't true and that they have nothing in their investigation that proves this. who say they're victims, particularly when they live at a number of different intersections of identities, particular intersections that tell us and that make us feel as if you are black, if you are queer, if you are a man,

if you are all these other types of things, that you should be silent about the things that happen to you. So when an individual stands up, particularly an individual that has a platform such as Jussie Smollett stands up and tells you that they've been victimized, we should believe them. Why? Because in you not believing them, you tell all these other folks, all these regular folks, the Jones of the world, you tell them that whatever

oppression, whatever abuse, whatever systematic violence that they are facing isn't real and that they should deal with it and they should suck it up because that's just what we do, right? And so we should all start at this point, I think, coming from a place of believing victims. Yes, I guess we should believe police, although the police, Chicago Police Department in particular, listen, Laquan McDonald, Raquia Boyd, we can go down the list of particular types of black bodies that they have signaled and suggested that the deaths of those particular people

have been justified uses of police force. I think you are showing, if you are that type of person, you are showing your internalized homophobia, you are showing your anti-blackness, you are showing that you don't believe people who say that they're victims, and you are showing that you are part of the problem. I'm done.

Yeah. There's two things happening at once. One is conservatives use this notion of believing victims as a cudgel, where they say, well, you don't believe that victim, or you don't believe this victim. How can you believe this victim? This victim may be lying. But I think that what's often lost is the reason that there has been a movement

towards believing victims is because there is a realization that we weren't getting the truth about what was happening in the world. That the reason we start from a place of believing victims is because for so long, we didn't hear from victims. And so we didn't hear the truth. There is now a whole conversation going about whether or not Jussie Smollett is telling the truth. And to me, that's an okay conversation to have. The problem is, why are you invested in one outcome, right? Why do you want the truth to be one thing and not the other? And we see that across a lot of different stories. We see that about allegations about Kavanaugh. We see that around school shootings, right? One side wants it to be motivated by Islamic fundamentalism or radical Islam or

whatever they want to say. And the other side doesn't, right? What ends up happening is you're not, it's not a group of people trying to find the truth. It's a group of people hoping for the truth that comports with their view of the world, whether it's people who have internalized homophobia or people who don't want to see the MAGA hats as being contributing to violence in this country or what have you. And all of this to me ends up being a conversation about symbols because everything we do online is a conversation about symbols. And so rather than saying there is an epidemic of violence against trans people, especially trans people of color, that is a huge problem. It is an objective fact. It happens every day across America and that there

are attacks on queer people all across America happening all the time and this to us is a symptom of that. Instead of that being the conversation it becomes, see, if he's lying, the MAGA people are fucking terrific. Listen, I'm about to fight Candace Owens, okay? For many reasons.

But in this particular... I'll end by saying this because I know we have to end. I think it's about one's intentions. And I think a healthy skepticism of everybody is important to be in this situation. And you can be someone who doesn't believe that the situation happened, that you can believe that Jussie Smollett wasn't attacked. I think that's a valid stance to take. But I think it's the ways in which you describe why you don't believe it didn't attacked. I think that's a valid stance to take. But I think it's the ways in which you

describe why you don't believe it didn't happen that show us your true intentions and that paint us as a country and a society that isn't as progressive, that isn't as post-post-racial, that isn't as, you know, great as we think it is. Spin it. racial that isn't as, you know, great as we think it is. Spin it. I hope we bring this back up to something, you know, light. I think we will. I think we will.

OK, correct. It has landed on Instant Hotel. This is going to be great. You called for something light. That means it's my turn. Has anyone watched instant hotel see how happy they sound that's how good it is listen if you're looking for an escape and you've watched all of the mass singer because i have too and boy that's fucking fun uh this is an

australian show you get to leave where we are right now. It is five couples going to each other's Airbnbs and judging them. Ranking them from who's is best to who's is worst. There is a gay couple. They are mean, and they are right. There is a mother-daughter couple. They are mean, and they are wrong. Their names are Babe and Bondi.

The daughter is and Bondi. The daughter is named Bondi. She lives in Bondi Beach. These people are fucking insane. They fight with each other. There's alliances. They're stealing things. They're going places.

They're not telling each other stuff. It is the best thing I've ever seen. There's no sex. They do swear a little bit. There is a hot male host and then there is a woman who is like who at any age maybe 40 to 70 i don't know what she is but she is hot she is beautiful and she goes in and judges all the houses because she is an expert her hair and makeup goes up and down but she is so on point. It's only 12 episodes.

If you like to get high and escape and watch things, Instant Hotel is the best watch. It's on Netflix. Five stars. I love it. Let's spin it one more time. It has landed on the Oscars not airing categories. It is a bunch of horseshit. All right?

As all of the awesome directors like Alfonso Cuaron and Gravity. Is he Gravity? Who's Pan's Labyrinth? Guillermo del Toro. As all of those cool guys said, editing and cinematography are what make movies movies. Movies. And how much substance can we just sap out of our culture every single day? Every day.

I always think that, like, in this system of capitalism we've built for ourselves, every company that's named after the one product they make really well eventually realizes they have to change their name and make something else. So the International House of Pancakes has to become IHOP and sell burgers. You know? Burger King has to become IHOP and sell burgers. You know, Burger King has to become BK so you'll buy the chicken. Boston Chicken has to become Boston Market so you'll buy the turkey. Dunkin' Donuts has to become Dunkin' because you've got to buy the coffee.

At a certain point, the pressures of the market tell something to stop being the thing that makes it wonderful so that they can make more of something else. And you know what? The Oscars are good. They are a cool, old-fashioned institution, not the people they give the awards to. There's a lot of huge problems at the Oscars, but none of them have to do with not telling people what cinematography is.

Nobody knows anything about cinematography, but once a year some of them accidentally find out a little bit about it. Because we found out that ABC was thinking about not airing the editing thing, I saw a really interesting clip with Martin Scorsese and his editor talking about editing a movie together and how hard it was and how interesting it was and they showed the old machine where they cut the little film and they used to have to cut it with film. They weren't on an Avid with lots of buttons that nobody explains. The Oscars are too damn long. Shut up, Travelle.

You take that shit to some other place. I'm just saying they're too... Four hours? But where do you have to be on Oscar night? It's Sunday night. The Super Bowl starts at 11 in the morning and it's on until approximately 3 a.m. And they only scored six points in that whole fucking game.

There's plenty of time. They don't even have a host because Heaven Heart never learned how to apologize. And obviously no person in this room remembers a single editing winner from any previous year, and we don't remember who wins for cinematography, but it means a lot to that person, and it's important for the industry.

You know what they should do? They should just, instead of people getting up and doing the speeches and bringing everybody up, they should just show them on camera, and then the entire audience sings, you, you, you're the best in the world, you're the best in the world at what you do,

you're the best in the world. Yes, whatever that is, you do that. And also, by the way, if you want to shave five minutes off the Oscars, stop having people walk to the microphone. When you come back from break, they're at the fucking microphones. I saved you five minutes.

I don't want to hear five individual songs. I want a medley. I'm sorry, but I want a medley. The Oscar productions of these songs are self-righteous and a little overdone and only some of them work. Let's face it. Let's face the truth about the songs at the Oscars.

It's not the Tonys. It's not Defying Gravity at the Tonys. It's not. Lady Gaga's about to give us a moment, though. You better be ready. Well, if you saw it at the Gramys. It's not. Lady Gaga's about to give us a moment, though. You better be ready. Fine, fine, fine. Well, if you saw it at the Grammys, then we should be concerned.

Ignore the Grammys. Ignore the Grammys. Jesus. And Ellen needs to stop scaring celebrities. Okay, and that's our show. I want to thank Megan Gailey, Travelle Anderson, Michaela Watkins,

Nancy Pelosi for some reason, and one more time, congrats to Ryan and Sean. Have a great night. Bye.