Lovett or Leave It - We Bought a Ballroom

Episode Date: May 8, 2026

Trump gives us a billion reasons to hate his ballroom, Kash Patel is drowning in leaks, and RFK Jr. will have to pry our pills from our cold, tan hands. Then Beck Bennett and Kyle Mooney tackle life's big questions and predict the next great Saturday Night Live host. And Lovett is on one when we take a look at our Second Thoughts.

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Seafone motor treatment, 473 milliliters, 897. Hit the road with CarQuest for the parts you need. Visit a Carquest Auto Part Store or Carquest. for more information in full flyer details only at participating locations welcome welcome welcome to love it or leave it live it let's love it or leave it what a week Senate Republicans unveiled legislation to fund immigration and border control a $72 billion package that they plan to pass via reconciliation. It sounds like a lot, but keep in mind

about half of the money for ICE officers ends up going out the door as alimony payments. But then we learned that Republicans snuck into this bill a billion dollars in taxpayer money to pay for President Trump's ballroom, which isn't too bad. It costs like half that much just to rent a ballroom for a wedding. Or maybe I'm getting screwed. Fuck! We all remember that Trump claimed the ballroom would be built at no cost to the public. Here's a montage from CNN.

We did this no charge to the taxpayer whatsoever. I'm paying for it. I'm paying for it. We're donating a $400 million ballroom. Myself and donors are giving them free of charge for nothing. It's being paid for 100% by me and some friends of mine donors. But now we're on the hook for a billion dollars. To quote myself at a big group dinner, I didn't even order any drinks.

The bill says the money is for the purpose of security relating to the East Wing modernization project, including above ground and below ground security features, which comprises the entire universe. So the ballroom is free, but making it safe to use the ballroom costs the billion dollars. Six Flags could try this. Come on down to six flags. The rides are free. The harnesses, oh, that's going to be extra, you dumb sluts.

And so the billionaire backers, who funded the ballroom, get all the benefits of having their name on the project while we, the taxpayers, end up paying for most of it. And this is unacceptable. What do they think this is?

Every football stadium? It does create a political opportunity for Democrats to force a vote on this proposal when this bill comes to the Senate floor, said Senator Brian Schatz of Hawaii, just flagging that now everyone gets an upper down vote on the ballroom. Added shots confusingly, Democrats are united in saying aloha to the ballroom, and Republicans will pay dearly in November if they say aloha to the ballroom. You get it. All right, here's Trump, here is Trump, making an amazing case for his event space on Wednesday. Being a builder and having a builder and

having built many ballrooms and many other things, I'm good at ballrooms. I usually have glass that's about a quarter of an inch thick. This is about six inches thick. This can repel a lot of different weapons. Hey, man. Stop bragging about how impenetral your ballroom will be. It's starting to sound like a dare.

It's like he's building Chekhov's ballroom. I want you all to know something. First of all, there were three jokes in there. There were real, real cerebral type jokes, okay? And you stuck with me, but I think the rest are going to be very goofy, not going to require a lot of the brain. You're going to be okay for the brain. I thank you for hanging on.

I didn't realize we had front-loaded it with so much thinking. Now, if this weren't enough to sell you on the White House, becoming a bulletproof entertainment complex for our vulgar, corrupt, juvedermed aristocracy, Trump also showed off plans for the UFC fight during America's 250th birthday. summer. Do okay with it? Wow. The media's

going to go crazy. It's not bad, right? It's a pretty realistic mock-up. If you zoom in on the audience watching the fight, you can actually see Lindsey Graham coming. Promise is made, promises kept.

While Trump is busy with party planning, the global economic crisis he created in the Strait of Hormuz continues. In the brief window between Trump announcing Project Freedom and Trump ending Project Freedom. His plan to guide ships through the Strait of Hormuz remotely, like a friend who gets out of the U-Haul to help you parallel park, but if you tap the bumper of the car behind

you, the U-Haul blows up live on Al Jazeera. Secretary of State Marco Rubio briefed the press. Our preference is for these straits to be opened to the way they're supposed to be open, back to the way it was. Anyone can use it, no mines in the water, nobody paying tolls. That's what we have to get back to, and that's the goal here. We have to get back to the way things were, said Marco. His feet swimming in his oversized floor-shime shoes. We have to go back. I want to go back.

Imagine going back. The bombs rise up from the earth and return to their planes, and our ships return to our harbors, and our votes return to our hands, and I returned to that debate stage in 2016. But now I'm ready. I'll be ready this time. Mom, I'll be ready, and you're still alive, and I won't make a dick joke. You'll be proud.

After all the toilets you scrubbed at that casino, And I won't become this clown in giant shoes dancing for the king's pleasure on the ruins of a once great kingdom. And I'm hearing that the president has suspended Project Freedom. This briefing is over. Thank you so much for your time. Rubio did have strong words for the leaders of Iran. I mean, the top people in that government are, to say the least, you know, they're insane in the brain. They are facing real catastrophic destruction to their economy.

They should check themselves before they wreck themselves in the direction that they're going. Ice Cube must be rolling over in his tray. On Wednesday, administration officials reported that the United States and Iran were closing in on a one-page agreement to end the war. Is it okay if it's one-page double-sided? Said an exhausted aide to J.D. Vance asking Claude for the least aggressive Farsi translation of, they have to say they're fucking losers. According to Axios, the 14-point memo would require Iran, to commit to a moratorium on nuclear enrichment

and for America to lift sanctions in addition to releasing billions of seized Iranian funds. You might think this sounds a lot like the JCPOA, the Obama-era nuclear deal that Trump ripped up because he said it was the worst deal ever made. But that would be wrong. This one was done by white president. Speaking of self-destructive sexual abusers,

on Wednesday, a federal judge unsealed Jeffrey Epstein's purported suicide note from his first attempt, which was found by his first. former cellmate, and immediately optioned by Ryan Murphy, that fuck, that guy is quick. The note, scrawled in terrible handwriting, reads, They investigated me for months, found nothing,

what you want me to do, bust out crying, no fun, not worth it. The note continues, P.S. Hold that thought. I have a visitor. Why, hello, former President Bill Clinton, I'm surprised to see you here. Wait, what are you doing? Ow, my neck. Ow, ow, ow, you're murdering me. Speaking of failed cover-ups, on Wednesday, MS Now, now, reported that the FBI launched an investigation into the leaks that led to the Atlantic story

about FBI director Cash Patel's drinking and absences. This means we are now getting leaks about investigations into the leaks. And then, on Thursday, MS now followed up with more reporting that over two dozen members of Patel's security detail are being polygraphed to find out who is responsible for the leaks, which was promptly leaked, which means Patel has to launch yet another investigation to find out who leaked that he was

investigating, who leaked, that he was investigating, who leaked? But leak investigations are like beers, just one more, and you'll feel better, probably. Now, when Patel sued the Atlantic for defamation, he accused the magazine of publishing fabricated allegations. So were those allegations fabricated, or were they leaked by someone with inside knowledge who now must be prosecuted. It's like the bartenders at the poodle room say when cash Patel orders a neat bourbon on the rocks. You can't have it both ways, you fucking moron.

Speaking of bourbon, the same journalist at the Atlantic came out with a new report on Wednesday about Cash Patel traveling with personalized bottles of bourbon that he gives out to both FBI staff and civilians he meets while on official business. People are acting like this is unusual at the FBI, but Jay Edgar Hoover famously,

wanted MLK to take a bullet. Here's a photo of one of Cash's bottles obtained by the Atlantic. As you can see, it's printed with the FBI shield. Cash Patel's name is also stamped in two different places, so both of Cash's eyes could see it at the same time. Speaking of federal officials at the top of their game, for the first time, the FDA approved a fruit flavor of vape. after a decade of strictly controlling flavored e-cigarette use,

said the target audience for the vape, stop embarrassing me, just let me out of the car here. I can walk, it's fine. This after Kennedy withdrew, a proposed FDA ban on tanning beds for minors, saying in a statement, quote, despite claims by left-wing scientists, slow roasting is the best method for retaining nutrients in the meat.

Kennedy is also pushing to remove fluoride from our drinking water, and on Tuesday, he unveiled a new, new Maha campaign aimed at, quote, deprescribing for psychiatric medication, common treatments for ADHD, and even antidepressants. It's quite a future this administration is envisioning for our children, tan, ripping on an ESIG, teeth rotting out of their heads, asking the AI teacher to go to the bathroom to weep uncontrollably while applying medicinal herbs to their open rubella rashes. Still better than being on their phones all the time. Meanwhile, Zoloft and Adderall are basically holding this country together.

Oh, the air traffic control system runs on floppy disks? You know what keeps the planes in the air? Adderall. The median home price has doubled since the financial crisis. You know what keeps people getting out of bed and going to work? It's Zoloft. Your company announces that it is no choice but to downsize, given how quickly

AI tools has increased productivity across the organization. Adderall. And Zoloft. In dead vulture news, a dozen dead vultures were found. dumped in Tennessee's Great Smoky Mountain National Park last month. When reached for comment, RFK Jr. said,

why are you asking me to comment? I didn't say anything, and my mouth is watering from something else. And finally, in other animal news, an animated adaptation of George Orwell's Animal Farm, directed by Andy Circus, hit theaters this week. And I would like to show you a moment from the trailer. Let's have no one do that again. Animal Farm, a cautionary tale.

Seems like a joke, right? Like, it seems like that can't be a real... I couldn't believe this was a real movie. I almost didn't want to talk about it. The movie came and went. It kind of bombed, which makes sense. I don't want to kick a dead Marxist horse, but you remember how the story ends.

With the pigs seizing control of the farm and becoming indistinguishable from the humans, among the most famous endings in all of literature, this animated version of animal farm has a happy ending. And I simply could not move on from learning that they put a happy ending on George Orwell, noted optimist, George Orwell's animal farm.

In this animated film, Napoleon the pig, voiced by, of course, Seth Rogan, drowns. Sorry, this is a spoiler alert for Andy Circus's animated animal farm. So Napoleon drowns, and then all the animals come together and say, you know what, as always right, helping people. It is even worse than that adaptation of 1984 where Wonder Woman kills Big Brother. Sincerely, I think it might be better for children to see seven.

A movie that ends with a very important message of its own, Kevin Spacey should die. What's in the box? I'll tell you what's in the box. Artistic integrity. All right. We have got a great show for you tonight. We will be right back with Beck Bennett and Kyle Mooney.

Hey, don't go anywhere. There's more of Love It or Leave It coming up. Love It or Leave It is brought to you by Helix. Oh, we love Helix. We love Helix. Sleep, boy, it's so important. I could not sleep last night, and it isn't because of my mattress. I just could not sleep.

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so they know we sent you helix sleep.com slash love it. Love it or leave it brought to you by Zibiotics pre-alcohol. Let's face it, after night with drinks, I don't bounce back the next day like I used to. You know what? I'm screw the copy, John. We were just in D.C. And we had a big night out. And I, the second I got to, we had a party, Crooked Media had a little party. And the second I got there before, you know, boom, boom, Zibiotics down the, down the hatch. And then, you know, I had a few drinks throughout the night, stayed out pretty late. I felt great the next day. The combination of Zbiotics and the grinder party running out of alcohol when we got there saved me. And it was like, who do you got to blow to get a drink around here? A joke I've used already. Zbiotics, pre-alcohol,

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Beck Bennett and Kyle Mooney will be out in a second. But first, we recently announced the return of CricketCon on November 5th through 7th in Washington, D.C. will reflect on the lessons of 2020. hopefully positive, potentially negative, and debate the best ways to turn those lessons into winning campaigns in the elections to come. There will be more panels, bigger stages, candidate forums, live shows, interviews, organizing events, intense but cathartic moments between prominent media figures who have yelled at each other on the internet. And now we want to share the dates when tickets will go on sale, the pre-sale for Friends of the Pod

only. How many people here are our members of the Friends of the Pod community? Thank you. Great. We'll start on Tuesday, May 12th. Friends of the Pod also get a subscriber-only discount in addition to other perks at CrookedCon, secret perks to be announced and potentially to be figured out.

General sale will start on Tuesday, May 19th. So go to crookedcon.com for more details, including how to become a friend of the pond subscriber. Also, in case you missed it, our show has moved to a brand new studio to produce more episodes, to get those episodes, into the world faster, check out our cool news studio space on YouTube every Wednesday and Friday, and if you're in the LA area, check us out live. Do these people are having a good time? Twice a week, upcoming guests include music icon Melissa Etheridge, Drag Race alum Bosco, Outlander star,

Sam Hewin, Golden Globe winner, Rachel Bloom, and many, many more grab tickets and see upcoming dates at crooked.com slash events. All right. Please welcome to the stage from the bright lights of late night to the dark crevoss of podcasting. It's Beck Ben and Kyle Mooney. Hi, guys. Hey. Thanks for being here. Oh, we're hugging.

We'll hug. This is amazing. Wow. This is, wow. Look at you guys. Amazing. Come on. Give it up for yourselves.

I think I know them. No, you don't. It's okay. Hi. Oh, hi. Hey. So good to see you. Thanks for being here.

Are you kidding me? Yeah. Are you kidding me? You kidding me? You kidding me? Are you kidding me? Are you kidding me? kidding.

He's joking. We're so happy to be here. And this is for Netflix is a joke. It's part of it. It turns out you just can buy these. You can just buy these. You can just buy these little boxes. You buy these little boxes, then you're part of it.

That's the beauty of it. It's kind of cool. We've got some boxes. Christmas idea. Yes. So you have been friends since college. Yeah, since September of 2003. Wow.

Sort of the Bush era. Shock and awe. Exactly. them fries yeah yeah yeah those are yeah what was the um what was the banner he put up mission accomplished yeah we went to college mission accomplished now 20 years later are you text friends or call friends oh wow oh i guess we're text friends yes but you call we call you will call i will call yeah because i'll have to like talk through something i'll like write attacks and i'll be like that doesn't sound right and i'll have to like talk through something you know and kyle will

always answer always answer yeah but you call me sometimes too no yeah i do i do sometimes you get on the old horn and you're like i gotta i gotta lay off i don't get on the blowers what you say no it's it's true it's uh it is nice to get on the phone every once in a while it catch up with my old friend you know it's nice so you have a podcast yes called What's Our Podcast? Yeah. Where you invite friends on to tell you what your podcast should be about. And did you ever crack it?

No. No, because we're like eternally searching, you know what I mean? And that's part of it. Maybe that's, in a sense, I don't want to overstep. Yeah. Is that what the show's about? Is the show about the searching? I think it's about exploring, discovering.

Yeah, the constant. Once you arrive, it's over. You know what I mean? Yeah. That's like spiritual philosophical talk. it is it's strange because we we work together on Saturday Live for eight eight years we overlapped that's right and prior to that we had known each other several years and I feel like this is the most like intimate amount of time we've ever spent with each other like

going into the studio and talking to each other it's and and I I like it I love it no it's great and we're both bothers now and we're not in that stressful intense competitive environment of S&L and so we're just like, it's more, we're able to just kind of like, I don't know, hang out. Like, we're just like going through a similar phase of our life together again and we've been through all of that

and we're able to kind of like, we're just more mature and adult and able to, I don't know, be there for each other a little bit. And you said a couple months ago, we're in our golden era. Oh, did I? Yeah.

So speaking of SNL, we were talking about this before the show and, I don't know that I've I think I've told this story. I auditioned for SNL and it was the same year you guys did. Really? Wow. Yes. I was I was, I left the White House

and I was writing a show in L.A. that would soon be on for one perfect season. And somehow I end up meeting Lauren Michaels at where he always has dinner at the hotel he has dinner at in Los Angeles. That's where, yeah, that's where I met him. Yeah, and at the Polo Lounge.

And, um, at the end of it, and I, like, I'd done, like, a bit of stand-up, whatever, but I'd, like, done a lot of comedy writing and joke writing, and he said, oh, if you're in New York next week, you should come by an audition. I was like, what? And so I got out of the meeting, and I emailed,

I was like, I think he asked me to come to New York to audition. And then they were like, no, he didn't. You're stupid. That's stupid. But it happened, and then I did, and I did not do a great job. You did audition. I did audition. I went to New York, and I, like, spent the weekend,

like, working on what I would do. and I like wrote it and I like ran it like crazy for like three days. And have you told people what you did? No, that remains. I will say one thing I did is I did, one of the characters was a carbohydrate. Okay. That's abstract. That's cool.

Yeah, it was. Charlie the carbohydrate. Yeah, that's better than what I did. Well, I labeled him Charlie. You found it. You found it, but that's the skill. That's the skill I didn't have. I didn't have it at the time.

Were you terrified? Oh, my God. It was, I don't get really nervous anymore. Yeah. That was the most nervous I had ever been in my entire life. What an insane space that is. So when you did it, we might have been there literally at the same time. Yeah, I think we were probably, I mean, because I met with Lawrence at the Polo Lounge a week before flying out.

Yeah. So we were probably even at that hotel around. You were like on the stacked meetings. That is so wild. Yeah. And now look at us now. Podcast House. Yeah, no, it was.

It's the dream. I did it twice. And the first time I auditioned, I opened my audition with this character, like as myself, but like sort of an awkward version of me. And how do you know the difference? Oh, sorry, I brought it the roasting energy. And honestly, that, you are being so open.

Yeah. And I, and I, all of a sudden, it's Rick, all of a sudden it's like, all of a sudden, it's Jeff Ross. Yeah. You know, that, and I'm sorry. No, no, no, people fuck with me all the time. No, no, it's okay. He likes it. He likes it.

He likes it. But I opened my, I opened my audition with, as if I was hosting Saturday Live, and I said, well, it's so good to be here at 30 Rockers in front of the Lonnie Mickers. And then it got nothing. And then a year later, I was asked to audition again, and my reps were like,

the only note we got is don't do that thing again. Don't address more than Michael. We hated that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But it was really, yeah, I thought it was going to crush. Did you ever talk to him about that? No, no, this, actually, if this, if you can make this go viral, it might get to him. Oh, yeah.

No, listen, that's our, that's why we do this. Here's the thing. For me, it's about going viral. Yes. Like, like, fine. Because I'm like, there are people who are like, they don't want to go viral. No. No.

That's so crazy. It's crazy. That's, for me, the action is the juice. Yes. Yes. This is what we, action is the juice. That's what we say, the action is the juice. That is amazing, John.

Yeah. Hey, was it hard to maintain your comedic chemistry in an environment like SNL after establishing it as friends? Hmm. Great question. Yeah. Well, like our on-screen or on-stage chemistry. Yeah, I guess so, because we couldn't really just be ourselves.

I think the tough, yeah, I'll take this. Yeah. Thanks, buddy. I think the tough thing was that, like, we got. to be roommate, we got to be office mates. Yes. And, and, uh, dressing roommates. Yes. Yes. Yes. But like, and we did get to do stuff together occasionally, but we also had to like look out for ourselves. You know what I mean? And like, so we were also having to develop material that was, you know, our own and like kind of had to simultaneously like kind of figure out our own paths on the show. So that was probably the tough thing and and like

Beck is so great and he's set he has all these tools that I don't have he's such a great impressionist and he can do wonderful characters he's an amazing actor and so like you sort of that that was the tough part is like oh man watching your friend be like oh shit he's

crushing it right now and like kind of having to maneuver those mental mazes of like we kind of sometimes one of us will have a win sometimes the other but then always trying to the time obviously to do what we've always been doing together. And Kyle is like, I mean, thank you. That's very sweet. Kyle's an incredible character actor as well.

He can play these characters that are so insane and weird and whatever. But like he also creates these, he's like the, he creates so much of the worlds that we end up making, like these characters and these sketches and that, like we both contribute to, but he like, he was so good at that. And so we both had different things that we were good at. And we kind of had to look out for ourselves, like I'll say. But that's why I do think this is what we get to do now is nice. It's like more lax and like a little bit more like, let's go.

Yeah, like that. But the Charlie the carbohydrate guy, like I actually think that does have. No, it's really good. Something. Yeah, I think we're really. You should bring Charlie the carbohydrate onto the show. Like you should get a costume. Yep.

It's like whatever a carbohydrate is. we know what they are. It may be a piece of, either you go big with and do it just a big piece of bread. Yeah. You know, that's a piece of cake. Was it like, everybody hates me? It was. Everybody's talking about how they hate carbohydrates.

Thanks for asking. It was, in the, it was kind of a, uh, uh, sort of a taunting stalker of a woman trying to lose weight for her wedding. Okay. So it was straight, you know, listen, it was really good. Yes, of course, yes. It was really good. We're cracking up. We're like one of the biggest supporters of Charlie Carbohydrate.

We love. We love children of Chalachaulda chum of a hundred. We love that guy. We'll be right back. Hey, don't go anywhere. There's more of Love It or Leave It coming up. Love it or Leave It is brought to you by Stamps.com. It's staggering that to this very day, many small business owners are still making post office runs or are stuck with expensive postage meter releases. Is 2026 enough? Mail and ship. When you want? How do you want? How do you want? However you want? Stamps.com. With stamps.com you can send from your computer phone 24-7, no long lines, no low supplies, open any time. print postage on demand and get up to 90% off of carrier rates like FedEx, UPS, and USPS. Schedule carrier pickups right from your door and get carrier compliant labels every time.

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473 milliliters, 897. Hit the road with CarQuest for the parts you need. Visit a Carquest Auto Parts store or Carquest.compet. For more information in full-flier details, only at participating locations. And we're back. Yes. Now, Beck and Kyle, you were actually roommates in college.

You're now spiritual roommates in life. So who better to answer our heart? hardest or at least weirdest roommate questions in a segment we're calling, tell us other people with whom you share a bathroom. Oh, wow. Okay. Just to note, these questions have been crowdsourced from the greater love or leave a universe. Details have been changed to protect the disgusting. Are you ready?

Yes. You ready? Here goes nothing. I don't know. First question. My friend's roommate randomly bought 32 wall clocks from IKEA and put them on one wall of the living room. It looks cheap and stupid. Is this allowed? No.

32. Are they, is there like, I mean, maybe if there's like, if they're set to different time zones and there are cities underneath and there's some sort of meaning or there's some sort of game that they can play with it. But if it's just meaningless clocks, no. A lot of ticking. A lot of ticking. That feels like anxiety. Just like, oh, like people walking in there, it's just no. What about you, Kyle?

Yeah. I guess it's technically allowed. Right, for sure. That's a good point. But yeah, I think it's worthy to have a confrontation about, like, why did you go about, do this? Why, you know, we didn't talk about the clock thing. And I'm going to say, I'm just going to say a physical confrontation. Yeah, fight. I think, I think whoever, you know, whoever this is, just go in there and just go to town, like start fighting.

Okay. I disagree on that. I think that's what Kyle was trying to say is all. No, no, I mean, I do like to fight people. It's hard to picture, honestly. It's hard to picture you in a physical... It's never... Oh, it's always pathetic.

It's always really sad. Well, Kyle does love to fight people, and he gets his ass kicked. No, it's... Yeah. All right, next question. My roommate is... You're a bad... You're a bad...

You don't need to lift me up. It's okay that I would get... I will get... My ass does get kicked. It will get kicked. Yes, yes. And I don't know what's going to have when I leave this studio. I'm very nervous.

What do you think you're going to get beat up? I don't know who these people are. Oh, that. they're so, these are, now, yeah, now that these guys know that they can kick your ass, of course they're going to kick your ass. There's like, yeah, we have these people are like, oh shit, I can kick his ass with me. No, no, I bet

if you look at the Instagrams of these people, they're so, these are sweet, smart kind people. There's, there's, like, abolish the police all over this place. These people are not, these people are for, these are education first word, this is a soft group, a sweet group. My roommate

has started making kombucha and I finally saw what a kombucha mother looks like. It looks like a uterus that's going to slide out of its jar, crawl over my face, and suffocate me in the night. Can I tell her to throw that shit away or at least never let me see it? Do you know this, what the kombucha mother is? I know, I know a kombucha mother. This is something that I feel like you would know about it, and I wouldn't know much about. I mean, I think you can't ask her to throw it away.

Right, it's just, you know, I think like finding something gross is sort of your issue. Yeah. What is it? The kombucha mother. All I know is it's like the yeast. It's like the sourdough starter. It's the thing you can use to make more kombucha because it has the whatever it is that ferments and changes,

whatever it's alive in there that makes kombucha, whatever kombucha is in the mother. Okay. It creates more kombucha. Yeah. Infinite kombucha. I would say if there was a uterus that they were keeping in the fridge that walked out of the fridge and like crawled around the apartment,

or whatever? That would be now. That's more like a scene from Beetlejuice, I feel like. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, Beetlejuice is the movie that came to mind for me, too. I thought of Beetlejuice first. No other movie came first. It was first, oh yeah, a little, a monster kind of vaguely, vaguely psychosexual, crawling around and attached to your face, Beatlechus.

Oh, right, right, yeah. That's what I thought of, and I agree, Beetle Juice. Problem Child. Problem Child, too. Let's see. Oh, my roommate and I were in a stalemate about cleaning the shower. It is devolved into a swamp-like situation. One day my elderly Polish landlady came by to check the smoke detector.

She cleaned the shower. I felt horrible, but then my roommate thought I finally broke and cleaned. They thanked me and apologized, I took the credit. Nice. Am I a bad person? No. Not a bad person. No, I love that.

But you're haunted by it. Whoever wrote this is haunted by it. I'll tell you one other question I have. Why did you tell us she was Polish? Yeah. What is it about her Polishness? Yeah. There's something about her being.

a Polack that kind of is like, you know, and they love to clean. Like, you know what I'm saying? There's like a strange way to, why did you include that? You wouldn't have included it if you were French or Scottish. You included it because she was Polish. Yeah. Now, I'm genuinely curious.

Are we allowed to, is that a negative word? Polish? No, the other, yeah. Polack? No, I don't know. And I said it to feel it out. Well, I will say I'm a quarter Polish. Uh-huh.

And I really didn't like what just happened. And I'm listening and I'm learning and I'm sorry. And I want you know that I am open to the feedback. Yeah. And I want to do better. Then you didn't do anything wrong. You know what I mean? And I didn't do anything wrong.

Yeah, yeah. You're learning. You're growing. I only know that my mother would, yeah, would just always say like, she would tell me that, like, jokes existed about Polacks changing the light bulb. But that's all I knew. I didn't know how to be affected by it, if that makes any sense. I should say that I think I am technically allowed to make the jokes because I do come from some of the Jews that made this that are part of this are Polish Jews.

Wow. So I'm actually made this whole great machine. I thought they came up with the roommate questions. My roommate flushed a half of a plum she was eating on the toilet. Wait, wait, wait. Flushed half of a plum on the toilet? She was eating on the toilet. What she was eating was a plum.

once it was half a plum, it got stuck in the pipes and fucked up plumbing for the entire building. What's the biggest thing you think it's okay to flush down the toilet? Oh. The biggest thing that isn't pee pee-poo? Yeah. Right, yeah.

Because sometimes, I've had some poops from, like, I'm taking this outside. No, for sure. I'm like, I just can't go down the door. What do you mean? That's just so big. It's like... I put it...

Hey, John, give me one second. Where do you go outside? Just because it's confidential between us. I mean, I just find some dirt. I scoge some dirt around and I put it there. I just pop it right down. Okay, copy. Can I just say about the toilet question?

Because this is something I, my gears are really turning here. I think if it's smushy, it can be very large. I think when you get to like things that are hard and plastic or old style wood, like that stuff shouldn't go in a toilet but I think it could be big if it's like a tomato like something without a pit we're saying that's a good that's a good thing

the problem with the plum is the pit you can't flush a plum it's a stone fruit it's a stone fruit no stone fruits in the toilet no stone fruits in the toilet also who's eaten on the toilet nobody's that busy everyone says they're busy but they all have six hours of screen time so which is it

which is it make your choice people have been fake for so long. It's, I'm with you. Buyers and posers. And it's just like, I would love to come up with an app that changes that. I don't know. That is a cool idea.

I don't know. Thanks, man. Yeah. Maybe all three of us can work on it after the show. I don't know. Yeah, like maybe like get some burgers or something to hang out. And if we get to the app, we get to the app, we just hang out and see if something if something comes to it, maybe we're hanging out, having a good time talking.

We forget the app, but only because we're having such a good time, but we'll get to the next time. Exactly. You know what I mean? You get to the out the next time. It's like a brainstorm. Yeah, it's cool. And you can go poop on the outside?

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, it's a really big one. Yeah, I'll take it outside. Can I tell you what's on my mind about the poop? I'll tell you. It is, I was trying to think of a name for what happens if when a poop is so big that it crests the water. When you've, like, laid down. Oh, yeah.

And I'm trying to, it's like something like Darwin's poop because it's crawling out of the ocean. You know, it's beginning to explore land. It's evolving. It's like, yeah, it's evolving. It's like, what's happening out here. You know what I mean? Like that. Yeah.

Right. Yeah. Did you want to know the movie Men in Black? Yeah. Do you remember the character Edgar who wants the sugar water? Yes. Yeah, yeah. He does a great, he does a great Edna.

Played by, of course, Vincent Genofrio. Come on, man. Do you guys know that? Remember that part? Yeah, we want to see Edgar. Sugar water. I need sugar water. So good.

Thank you. I don't know. So good. Now that's Vincent Dinoffria. Yeah, yeah. And apparently, the director, I'm blinking, on his name. Very Sonnenfeld.

He did not like the show. He did not like the performance. Yes, I saw that. I saw that. That Vincent D'Noffrio, who is... I'm going to say the most iconic performance in that movie. Because nobody else is impersonating

any other performance in that movie. The only other... I mean, they're great. I mean, they're great, but, like, unique... You got a shout to the little alien guy who's on O'Ryan's a belt, but... Let's go. It is so funny to imagine.

Vincent's Donoffrey. sees his character and he's like, okay, it is an alien bug inside of the corpse of a farmer that looks like me. Yeah. Yeah. I am playing the alien inside the corpse of Vincent Donofrio. I've got it. And then he does it.

And Barry Sondel is like, that's wrong. How do you know? Right. But it's it, but he fought for it or he got it in there. I think it is really one of the best performances. Of our time. on screen, ever. Yeah, it's so gross.

You see why Barry Sanovo would be like, what are you doing? I'm sorry, man, you're pulling focus. This movie isn't about you. It's about the men in black. It's in the title, dude. Last question. What's the jerk off etiquette when you share a dorm room?

Thank you for asking that. As much as you can, as loud as you can. Yes, yes. There are, because we read the studies about how, like, you can actually, improve your brain strength by masturbating. Uh-huh. And you were saying that's how you got those perfect scores.

Yes. Yeah. Yeah. We just didn't, we didn't study. We actually just masturbated and then we aced our tests. When you, did you? When we were in school, they were always like you should put a sock on the door handle. Yeah.

But I feel like. I don't think that was for masturbation, though. That was when you had like a person in the room, but you're having sex in the room. Yeah, if you're with somebody and you're like, cooking off, it's like a proud thing, not like, hey, just so you know, jerking off. There's my sock. But I do like that move. Yeah, but you're allowed to do it for that.

You're definitely allowed to. Hey, everybody, I'll be in here jerking off. The door locks. I don't need to do this, but just so everybody knows. Yeah, yeah. I guess it's a stupid idea. The podcast is What's Our Podcast. And we'll be right back. Hey, don't go anywhere. There's more of Love It or Leave It coming.

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And we're back. It's time for a game we call the Lorne Identity. Kyle I'm back. I'm going to give you a name. You'll tell us if you think they'd be a good SNL host, and because we have to book, like, so many people for this show, I'm going to use fictional characters because I don't want to actually

accidentally offend a real famous person. If I offended a famous person, I'm going to do it intentionally. Yeah, that makes sense. Yeah. They'll know it was me. That's important, yeah. They'll know, and that I meant it. To go viral.

To go fucking viral. That is what all of this is about. It's about hitting that algorithm right in its sexual. It feels so good when you hit it right there. All right, here we go. First up, with this. That was gross. That was really gross.

And I know that. Stop it, no. No. No. No. Clippy. the Microsoft paperclip, would this be a good S&L host? Gut reaction was yes.

Interesting. But, you know, I think I actually, then I realized, like, no, I think he's going to be, like, put in a box. Like, he's not going to be able to play a lot of different characters. You know what I mean? He's just going to be clipping and everything, and it's going to get really old. Well, maybe his agent is like, this is an opportunity for you to show people that you're not just fucking help.

You're not so helpful. Sure. But what if clip he plays a character where he doesn't help? Yeah, that would be cool. that would be worth it I think his monologue would be great I see him being too methodical

to buy the numbers like I bet he'd be great at he or she they would be great at reading the cards being in the right place but I just I don't I don't imagine chaos

in that way that like oh did you see what Clippy said yeah right and I can see Clippy being like wait so what am I doing in the scene right this doesn't make sense and you're like, you're overthinking it. Alf.

Yes. Great host. Did Alth ever do it? It seems actually crazy that Al didn't host SNL. It is. It is crazy. I think this is just a really good pitch for a host. I feel like he's so charismatic.

He's so fun. I would love to see, I would genuinely like to see Alth host the show. I mean, now I think it would be huge. If Alth hosted? So there's a problem, though, because my understanding is that the creator of Alph is deeply. is very precious about Alf, and it is important that people do not see Alph as a puppet

that is being performed as Alf, but rather Alp is an alien who arrives on set to do the role. And so whenever Alf appears, it has to be, like, you never see, Alf never is, like, walked in. Al has to be Alf at all times. You never see Alf the puppet loose. And so if Alph was to host SNL,

it would be very logistically challenging. Yes. none of the cast or crew could see Alf on as a puppet. But could, he would have to be a puppet. He couldn't be somebody in a suit, obviously. Where are you in your at post-S&L?

How much of a fuck do you give about talking shit about people on SNL? Are we doing talking shit about SNL? Are we still not doing talking shit about people on SNL? Like saying the host that you thought was like the biggest fucking done. We've hinted towards a host that I feel like during our time was,

I think universally not enjoyed. But I would be nervous. Did anybody treat you badly? Did anybody treat me badly? Yeah, or the royal you. You know who I'm talking about. I think so.

Nice. Yeah. But there's another one that's... Now, I get nervous. I get nervous. I don't want to... I have said publicly... Well, we'll just say these people work in entertainment.

What's funny is there will be a point in your life. and it will be you and you will stop feeling this and you will just talk about it. But when will that be and why? What will have changed? That's interesting to think. You know what I think will have...

I still want to get money. Right, it's money. And that is the thing that it's like, I don't want to offend some... I don't want to like cut myself off in some way or another. Like, I still want to get paid. And I feel like if I say this name out loud, which damn, people will be excited to hear it.

You know, I could get in trouble in some way or another. Next up, the thing. from John Carpenter's The Thing. No, look at that guy. Look at that thing. Look at that thing. I mean, I feel like, I see one iconic bit.

Okay, what is it? Just doing his thing. He's like doing his thing. He's like, I'm doing my thing. Yeah, that is, that's not bad. That's pretty good. That's a good pitch on Monday. You're like the thing.

And be like, what is going to be like, is your deal he's like i'm just doing my thing they get a they get a laugh okay we actually do like them yeah we like the yeah we like the thing ursula from the little mermaid great because she's got pipes yeah we're gonna sing a lot yeah yeah yeah it's gonna be funny yeah i feel like yeah yeah

she'd be great she'd be great she's funny she's a barista funny yes yes that ursula the mermaid the murb witch a barista i'm laughing the tentacles are going crazy they've got coffees and stuff Yeah. Yeah.

Like, where you're making the foam? And, yeah. And Trump comes in. Yeah. No. It turns out their brother and sister, and it's like, what's going on? That's funny shit. That does look like Trump's sister.

It's like, the thing comes back a week to later. He's like, don't forget about me. He's like, he's their cousin or something. The cryptkeeper. Oh, incredible. Incredible. He's an entertainer. He's already a host.

Yeah, yeah. He's like. he would have a great monologue. And I feel like just hearing his old Hollywood stories. Yeah. And he would, because he doesn't give a shit, he would gossip about everybody.

His monologue would be like, this fucking person's a bitch. And he'd be like, you know, like this person, you know, he's like talking about people's private stuff. Yeah. I don't know.

The inside SoCal guys, how would they do? Okay, yeah, there's a bit that we did. These are two guys from Southern California. So everybody, how's everyone? My name's Todd. Look, I don't know what the fucking did.

I think bad. I think they'd be bad. Yeah, I think they'd be bad. They actually think their camera presence is awful. They barely have enough energy to fill a camera lens. You know, they're barely filling that. But maybe just an update segment.

Yeah. I think on update, they would be great. They crush. I don't like, why don't ever try that on an update? I think I felt personally precious about like just this sort of, what this aesthetic, this, you know, what this was, and like that sort of thing. It is Kyle's creation.

Yeah, well, that sort of fucked me up at my time at us, and I was just like, just fucking... Yeah, just fucking do it. Don't be so precious. Yeah. But it's too late now. I know, but it's like, I'm doing podcasts. It's cool.

Yeah. No, it's all good, dude. I know it's all good. We'll be right back. And we're back. And finally, we end the show with a segment where we find out what the producers of Love It or Leave It, wish I hadn't said or done in a segment we call second thoughts. And Colin Beck, I'd love to know your second thoughts as well.

First, one second thought. I'm sorry for saying Lindsay Graham coming. There are apparently children here. I didn't know that. And though I think still a... worthy joke and I'm glad it was in the show, but it was still hard to say out loud, especially the second time just now. Yeah, I thought it was fantastic.

Thank you for saying that. I knew too. The joke I made about MLK and the bullet works better because it's kind of a visual joke because in the card it's spelled like Bullet Rye, right? And you all understood that, but you have to think of it and I wish that there was some way for you to visually

see, it's a written joke. And I think sometimes in a monologue, a written joke is maybe not the best. Oh, I want you to know, Kyle, but I know the difference between real Kyle and awkward Kyle. That's nice. He feels seen.

One down. I should not have said Polack. Yeah, I feel like you have to forgive yourself for that. Thank you. But you guys are. Yeah, I'm Polish. So, and I'm not, so. Yeah.

You guys can. We think we can. You guys can talk about it. I think we can. I think we can. I think we can. How many, you know, how many,

how many Polacks it take to figure out what words you're allowed to say? That's my question. I'm not saying, whatever. Went too deep on the logistics of Alf. Yeah. That's right.

That I should take, I feel like I, no, no, you're my guest. I led you there. You were joining me on the journey of thinking about it, and I, instead of just enjoying the character of Alf,

which is what Alf is all about. And you brought us back to the heart of it, which is cats. Kyle, do you have any regrets about this evening? Yeah. Well, I feel like, you know, on our podcast, like, yeah, I feel like sometimes we have tendency to go blue, which, like, you know, you don't want to go there, but it's also fun.

It makes us laugh. You know what I mean? So that's always something I'll be conscious. Sometimes I get self-conscious of just being too weird or too silly or something like that. Where it's like, no, this is like a serious conversation. And I don't, and I, and I, and that's something I'll be thinking about. Do you, do people sometimes think you're joking when you're not joking? Sincere, sincere question.

Do people think when you are having a sincere, earnest expression? Yeah. Of something that you are doing a bit about the person who would express that sincere emotion. Does that happen in your life? Yeah, it's been happening for, yes, for, I've known you. And then he will, and then he will joke around

and people won't understand that he's joking. Which I think, as I'm sure, has happened in this show with this audience because maybe they weren't familiar as familiar with the inner workings

of Kyle's brain. But then, but then you see you resonate with like a few places at the frequency, you know what I mean? Whatever your frequency is, you'll see it resonate.

Even today, I was thinking I was almost going to bring it up and now I am, which is, whatever that thing is that you do, that is weird, and you're a weird person in a great way,

It, when it, when it, you watch it vibrate across, and then you see it, like, kind of hit someone, and, like, they pop with, like, laughing because, like, they're fully in, which is cool, and not everybody gets that, you know? Yeah, I mean, not a bit. I am getting hard right now. Beck, do you have any regrets?

You know, I don't know, Kyle, is there anything I should regret, do you think? I don't, I can't think of anything. No, I actually, I feel really, you know, because, like, I was, I'm not trying to, I was nervous and we drove together and like we hung out there behind the, the, would you call this a stage? Yeah, you can call it stage for sure. It goes. 100%.

It's like, you know, it's an elevated platform. You never know what's going to happen. And like, I think that we, I think we did what we came to do. That's how I feel. I feel great. I feel great. I thought you did an amazing job. You're so funny.

You make me laugh so much. The fuscing thing. That was. Ah, fursking around. Yeah, I don't know. That is, that actually will. go viral. Ah,

ah, please. That'd be amazing. One final regret. Darwin's poop. No, I want to know more about that. No, I think that's, yeah,

is that a phrase that it, no, that was from, I was just thinking about, you made it up or it exactly? I made it up from this moment of thinking about what is it called

when a poop goes from the ocean to the land. That's viral stuff. But that's a meme. It's a meme. You take a photo of the poop that is cresting or is like on the bowl?

Yes. And Darwin's poop, like on top that feeling when you're Darwin's poop or something? Yes, and you put the little picture of the, of the, like, the illustration of the first fish crawling on the beach right next to it, and you say, you say, like, you know, love is possible.

Yeah, this is right on brand for you, and this is really good. Really good. Wow. Wow. What a great place to end the show. Everybody, check out Kyle and Beck's pod, wherever you get your podcasts, presumably, on all the platforms. And you guys just launched a Patreon for the, For the real freaks.

For our Rockos. Patreon.com slash what's our podcast? What is our podcast? What's our podcast? No, it's. Just what's our podcast? Yeah. We do the podcast fully nude.

Fully nude, but it's audio only. Yes, yes. But that's for your pleasure, your comfort, your ease. Yeah. That's our show. Thanks so much to Beck, Ben and Kyle Mooney. To Interwoven Studios, there are 178 days until the midterms. We'll be back next week, Melissa Esrich.

We'll be back next week with Melissa, Esrich, Bosco, and more. Have a great weekend. Love It or Leave it is a Crooked Media production. Our show is produced by Kendra James, Bill McGrath, and me, John Lovett. Our production team includes Hallie Kiefer, Sarah Lazarus, David Tolls, Claudia Scheng, Jay Banks, Gavin Purcell, and Matt DeGroat. And our staff is proudly unionized with the Writers Guild of America East.