Lovett or Leave It - What a Weekday: Haley v. Trump, Biden v. AI, Newsom v. Gravity

Episode Date: October 31, 2023

Step right up and grab a treat from What A Weekday’s big bucket of news! Gird yourself for the latest jumpscares from the 2024 campaign trail, as the first GOP candidate ghosts us. President Biden has a spooky warning about AI, and Gavin Newsom haunts at least one child’s nightmares. Happy Halloween, sluts. For a closed-captioned version of this episode, click here. For a transcript of this episode, please email [e-mail] and include the name of the podcast.

What are you going to dress as? This is it. I missed Halloween this year. It's today. I know, but I'm missing it. What did you do on Saturday? On Saturday, I did a Pod Save America show in Louisville. The spookiest activity of all.

Politics. Yeah, that's what we did. Did you celebrate Halloween when you were in Cleveland? What? No, they don't have it there. Okay. They don't have Halloween in Cleveland. People think it's everywhere, but it's actually almost everywhere, but they actually don't yet have Halloween in Cleveland.

It hasn't gotten to Cleveland yet. You know, like in Eastern Europe, they're just getting everybody loves Raymond. What? You should have all dressed up as each other for the show. I think actually that they did, but nobody noticed. And we're back. Let's get into it.

What a weekday. In just 75 days, Republicans in Iowa will gather to caucus. For months, the primaries have felt pretty stagnant. Trump at 50, DeSantis at like 20 if he's lucky, the rest in single digits. DeSantis and the rest of these jagoffs test their little stilted, exquisitely crafted poll tests and messages. Trump drops into IR for an hour, does like a tight five, and now microwaves have gotten too complicated. They don't make shows like Bewitched anymore.

Next poll comes out, Trump up five, DeSantis down five, rinse, repeat. But we finally have some action, guys. Things are changing. Things are shifting. Things are moving. Isn't that exciting? Give me action. Right? Like in your intestines. Yeah, sure.

Peristalsis. Bowel movement in Iowa. Just an uncomfortable rumble. On Saturday, we learned that we won't have Vice President Mike Pence to hang around anymore. He became the first major candidate to drop out of the GOP presidential primary. His campaign never really rose very high, though that's better than what his opponents

wanted, which was for Pence to reach a modest height and then drop very quickly. Because they wanted to hang him. He announced his withdrawal during a speech at the Republican-Jewish Coalition's annual meeting in Las Vegas. So after much prayer and deliberation, I have decided to suspend my campaign for president effective today. Finally, a nice surprise for the Jews. So today we bid adieu to the Mike Pence campaign. I've been sleeping with a teacher for 38 years. And full disclosure.

Leave and get the f*** out of our country and get the f*** out of Iowa. I'm going to put him down as a maybe. Nice. Meanwhile, a new... Stop. Stay here. It's actually Malcolm dressed as pundit. Very compelling, Malcolm. Meanwhile, a new Des Moines Register poll found that Donald Trump still has a huge lead in Iowa with 43% support,

but Nikki Haley is rising for the first time running even with Florida Governor and arch support enthusiast Ron DeSantis at 16%. Congratulations to Nikki Haley on her brilliant strategy for catching up to Ron DeSantis by waiting patiently for Ron DeSantis to say and do things. As the anti-Trump vote remains divided between Haley, DeSantis, and the remainder, anti-Trump Republican donors are increasingly panicked that no single alternative has managed to consolidate support. I'm no single alternative, insisted Senator Tim Scott.

I'm a taken alternative because of my relationship. I have sex, and I know exactly where the secret magic lady part is you hear so much about. What's the lady part called? I don't know. Say it. What do you think it is? A that's so much worse oh no you could have said that's some choice of on bloom shit i um that sucked that was tough that that that we took that like a bullet but i can't you want me to say

like a the actual word well or the shorter Not now. I don't want to hear anything ever again. I'm going to stop listening. Listen, I think we can all agree that Tim Scott and I have a similar level of sexual experience when it comes to anything. Say it. Speaking of Senator Tim Scott, the senator told Hugh Hewitt on Monday that his presidential campaign has made the decision that it's Iowa or bust for us, which unfortunately is the only way

he knows how to bust according to his non-existing girlfriend. Does it really make sense? It should be Iowa and bust. Does any of this make any sense? About the failure of Republicans to gain on Trump. A lot of it makes sense.

Can't wait. Pundit. Buddy. Malcolm. Malcolm? Come on, buddy. Pundit, come on. It says that Malcolm shrugged himself down.

That was the most compelling part of the costume. Yeah, you're really committed. Yeah. Do you mind letting her out? Yeah, yeah. Get out of here. She had to go feed the beater. A little.

About the failure of Republicans to gain on Trump, Frances Rooney, a former Florida congresswoman and Bush official, told ABC News, Nothing seems to work. No one has been able to crack the code to gain on Donald Trump. Continued Rooney, They've tried everything. Racism.

Everything. But as Haley rises in Iowa, is she becoming the Trump alternative the anti-Trump Republicans have been jonesing for? Let's see how Nikki Haley did at the Republican-Jewish coalition event. We cannot have four years of chaos, vendettas, and drama. We can't afford to go down that road. Not now. Eight years ago, it was good to have a leader who broke things. But right now, we need a leader who also knows how to put things back together. Thank you. America needs a captain who will steady the ship, not capsize it.

Sure, eight years ago, breaking stuff was awesome. I was swinging a big mallet with the best of them, and it felt great. But things are different now. Now I'm looking around, and I can't help but notice all of this broken shit. Haley said that while Trump was a pro-Israel president during his first term when she was ambassador to the UN, the question is, what will he do in the future? So let's just go through Nikki Haley's pitch here. You need a person you can trust on foreign policy. And you can trust me because of all the good I did in Trump's first term, which is also what Trump did during his first term because I worked for him. So you can trust Trump to continue to do what I did, but you can't trust me to keep doing what

Trump did. Are you following? Can you believe DeSantis is so bad at this that I am the alternative? Meanwhile, in his own speech at the Las Vegas Jewish event, Donald Trump said to loud cheers, the United States will stand with Israel 100% without hesitation, without qualification, and without any apology. We're not going to be apologizing. Later that day, Eric Trump subtly tried to use the analogy of Israel to explain to apologizing. Later that day, Eric Trump subtly tried to use the analogy of Israel to explain to his father what unconditional love is, but Trump barely looked up from his phone. Trump also used the Republican Jewish Forum to go after pro-Palestinian protesters. I will cancel the student visas of Hamas and sympathizers on college campuses. The college

campuses are being taken over. Yes, sadly, college campuses aren't what they used to be. Places where you can have sex with new-bile co-eds because you're wearing a Darth Vader costume and they think

you're their boyfriend. I'm sorry, wait. That's actually Revenge of the Nerds. People don't talk enough about that. I think about it once a week.

I saw that movie way too young. Rotten all the way through. That's fucked up. It's not good. I've never seen it. Me neither. It also doesn't constitute revenge. It's not where revenge is. No. Those nerds shouldn't have done it.

No. Wait, the nerds shouldn't have done it? Wait, are the nerds getting revenge or having revenge begotten on them? The nerds are getting revenge. The whole premise of the film is nerds getting revenge. It's called Revenge of the Nerds. Is that revenge on the nerds?

No, but you just said the nerds should have done it. Right, well, in this film, in this era, the way a man would take revenge on another man would be by putting on a costume and having sex with that man's girlfriend without her knowing that she was having sex with the nerd. Right, right, right. Right, which again, you wouldn't do

unless they were wearing some sort of costume. It's more revenge on the girlfriend. Yes, I would say it's... Vengeance with the nerd. Right, right, right. Right, which again, you wouldn't do unless they were wearing some sort of costume. It's more revenge on the girlfriend. Yes, I would say it's... Vengeance on the girlfriend. For sure. And at the end of the movie, they end up together. That's the most fucked up part. Wait, the nerd and the girl?

Yes. Trump may be losing his edge a little. Hamas sympathizers takes way longer to say than Muslims. Then at a rally in Iowa, Trump incorrectly praised the audience as being from Sioux Falls, which is in South Dakota, and had to be reminded that he was actually in Sioux City, which is in Iowa. A very big hello to a place where we've done very well. Sioux Falls. Thank you very much, Sioux Falls. So Sioux City, let me ask you.

Sounds like someone had a little senior moment, said President Biden, ordering an ice cream cone from an armored bank truck. All the while, Trump's legal woes continue. U.S. District Judge Tonya Chukin reinstated a gag order on Donald Trump in the January 6th case, once again limiting his public comments about prosecutors, court staff or potential witnesses. Gag me once, shame on me. Gag me twice, that's a kink. After the order was reimposed, Trump wrote on True Social, I have just learned the very biased Trump-hating judge in D.C. who should have recused herself due to her blatant and open loathing of your favorite

president, me, has reimposed a gag order, which will put me in a disadvantage against my prosecutorial and political opponents. I love the way Trump gets tired two-thirds of the way through a truth and passes the phone to someone who knows three-syllable words. Fart, fart, fart, me, me, me, witch hunt that puts me at a disadvantage against my prosecutorial and political opponents. Hey, don't go anywhere. There's more of Love It or Leave It coming up. Also, since we recorded on Thursday, there's been a development in the Democratic primary as well. Minnesota Congressman and alcohol and gelato magnate Dean Phillips announced last week that he will challenge President Biden for the nomination. I'm sorry, who said Doug Burgum

said the 54 year old congressman on NBC News on Friday. I am younger. Okay, but so are the vast majority of Americans. That can't be your campaign's motto. Anyway, if I were Biden, I'd tell Dean Phillips what I tell producer Brian every time he reminds me he's younger so that I'll retire and he can take over the show. Drop dead, you string being nobody. Hey, drop dead, you string being nobody. I'm so young, it's going to be so long until I drop dead. All right. In response to Congressman Phillips jumping into the race, a Biden spokesperson said this. I don't know her. No, no. Okay. They actually a Biden spokesperson said this. I don't know her. No, no, okay. They actually said this. I don't know who this man is. I mean, he could be walking down the street. I wouldn't know a thing. Sorry to this man.

No, no, what they actually said was, President Biden is proud of the historic unified support he has from across the Democratic Party for his re-election. Speaking of, President Biden on Monday signed a sweeping new executive order tackling a range of issues related to AI, placing new safety requirements on developers, and directing federal agencies to evaluate the technology's risks for consumers and workers. In a streamed public address following the executive order, an 18-fingered Biden explained his reasoning in one 15-minute unbroken, perfectly delivered sentence and asked his supporters to send crypto. In his actual speech, Biden noted the dangers of deepfakes, saying this. With AI fraudsters can take three second, and you all know this,

three second recording of your voice. I've watched one of me on a couple of them. I said, when the hell did I say that? Turns out that was one of Biden's real speeches that he forgot, but the point stands. Biden continued as follows. I don't like that one bit, Jack, but I'll tell you what I do like. I like getting on the Amtrak, going straight to the quiet car. First thing I do, I make a call. Full volume, okay?

Nobody shushes you when you're the president. Nobody's pointing at the sign and giving you a dirty look. I tell you, Jill and I can have phone sex as loud as we please right there on the quiet car, and we do. I'm not kidding. Anyway, that's what the robots don't want you to know. Thank you, Tommy, as our chief Biden AI whisperer. Fraud officer. Fraud officer, yeah.

Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell and new House Speaker Mike Johnson are on a collision course over Ukraine funding, with McConnell wanting to keep it bundled with military aid to Israel and Johnson wanting to bifurcate the aid packages. Pretty easy to avoid colliding with McConnell, though. Just got to wait till he freezes, then you just kind of wheel him out of the way like a wax figure. Asked on Monday whether he would resign, Benjamin Netanyahu told reporters, the only thing that I'm going to have resigned is Hamas. We are going to resign them to the dustbin of history. That's my goal.

That's my responsibility. The only thing that I'm going to have resigned as Hamas is something you can say about any job you're asked to resign from. It doesn't have to be prime minister of Israel. That's something you can always go back to, which is important. Wouldn't it be so nice if someone asked you to resign?

I'd be like, twist my arm. Brian. I'm sorry to ask you. Hey, hey, somebody's... Hey, come on. Happy Halloween. Hey. Happy Halloween.

Meanwhile, an angry anti-Semitic mob, Jesus, stormed a Russian airport on Sunday looking for a plane that was carrying passengers from Tel Aviv. They're Russian, all right. Rushing to kill some Jews. And let this be a lesson to anyone else considering flying Spirit without

purchasing an additional add-on. You may not think you want that $29.99 pogrom insurance, but there you are. It looks like Odessa in 1871 out the plane window, and you're kicking yourself. Do you guys buy insurance for flights? Every time. They got me every time you guys buy insurance for flights every time oh they got me every time what i also tip every time i buy anything if it gives you opportunity i'm tipping

tipping is tipping is different tipping is different than buying the travel insurance like do you want to tip for those yes but i'm saying like if something is offered to me i'll say yes i will also do that it's just the same instinct. I'm like, insurance, I'll clearly need insurance. Brian, you of all people should be buying insurance for things. Wow. Wow. Happy Halloween. Kendra from downtown. Okay, I am always at the airport early, as evidenced by the fact

that I made my flight despite the fact that my Uber driver to LAX last time ran out of gas on the middle of the highway. Again, somehow that was your fault. Somehow that was your fault, though. Was that my fault? Somehow. I did pay for the gas. Wait, what? I did your tip. He didn't have his wallet on him, so I paid for the gas.

Well, yeah, obviously, he ran out of gas on the highway. I'm sorry. Wait a second. What? Had you heard the story? Oh, wait. Are you guys going to handle this for me? Kendra said one of you would get in a fight with Uber for me.

I'll happily do that. Yeah, no. I told him that he should come to us. Thank you. Oh, my God. This is why you can't buy insurance. You got to have money on hand for gas. I'm sorry.

So you're, you, you were on, you were in an Uber to the airport. He said, I'm going to run out of gas if I don't pull into a gas station right now. No, no, no, no.

He said, I am out of gas. We are pulling over to the side of the highway. We are out of gas. The left side. The left side. So he pulled over to the left side of the highway. Which is terrifying.

The passenger side mirror was literally in the highway. I thought I was going to die. And then he kept saying, this has never happened before. But then what happened? How did you get to a gas station? So we didn't get to a gas station. We both called AAA.

His AAA guy got there first. And then he talked to his AAA guy while I was on the phone with mine. So I didn't realize he only asked for a single gallon of gas. The guy was like, how much gas do you need? And the guy was like,

oh, just one gallon is fine. And then he gets there and then he's like, oh, I can't pay for the gas. I don't have my wallet. Can you pay for the gas? And I'll Venmo you. And then I paid for the single gallon of gas. It was $10. He did Venmo me. And then, and then I don't know what his plan was after he dropped me off at the airport because he didn't have much gas. But you got Venmoed for the $10. Yes. Then what is the, then what is the fight we want to have with Uber? I almost died. No, you did. How did you almost die? Because he pulled over to the left side of the highway. You really shouldn't be doing that. Well, look, I agree that that's bad. I thought this was about recouping some expense. This is more of a narking situation. I'm a nark?

Well, I think if you had paid for this guy's gas, I think because he had fucked up and didn't have his wallet, which is wild because one thing that's in your wallet is the driver's license you surely should have while driving people around Los Angeles. I would say that's one thing, but it's another to say, oh, he actually did pay you back. Yeah, I agree. He made you. He kept saying, yeah, I'm not complaining about that. I'm complaining about every other part. I'm on Brian's side. If you're picking up someone for a drive from you're in like down on the east side to LAX, you need to make sure that your car is filled with gas. Well, this is also a this is also not even a personal expense

because it's a crooked expense. Now I'm back in it. So I do think you should get refunded for the ride. Yeah, no, absolutely. Okay, I'm back in it. We should get a refund. He just kept repeating,

thank God I have a warranty. And I was like, what are you talking about? He was like, you should get a warranty. And I was like, on what? We should have him on. So no, I don't get travel insurance.

General Motors has reached a tentative agreement with the United Auto Workers, becoming the last of the big three to do so, and potentially ending the six-week strike. And thank God, because I almost had to nix my Buick LeSabre costume on Halloween. I was going to go with a Buick LeSabre. You know, because the SAG, because the Act actors union said you couldn't go as your favorite. It would be scabbing to go as your favorite movie characters. If you're an actor in the strike, because it would be, I suppose, promoting the film.

I used to have a LeSaber. I'm a huge fan. Because you did. You're you. I get that checks out. Honestly, an early sign that you were not straight, actually, is you driving a Buick LeSaber. It was a 1995 powder blue Buick LeSabre owned by my great aunt. It was beautiful. As it is Halloween, I do want to go back to the fact that the union said that actors couldn't wear Halloween costumes based on studio films. Because I just, of all the things Halloween does, it would never occur to me that someone going as, I don't know. B-A-R-B-I-E.

Barbie. How many people are like, I saw Barbie on the street. I should watch Barbie. I guess non-zero. It probably happens. But that's a good point because it's an existing IP. So it's like you could be just dressed as Barbie. The idea that it's evoking a movie

is questionable. Right. In the same way that if you want, you can go as the Tin Woodsman. Or Robert Oppenheimer. Or Robert Oppenheimer, but you can't go as the Tin Man from the movies. You have to be the Tin Woodsman because that's from the books. I carved the cowardly lion into a pumpkin

yesterday. Really? Yeah. Freaky scab. Did he get his shirt? Did he get his shirt? And then Fran Drescher knocked on my door. Oh, I wish. That's how you summoned her. Carve it all night.

Just hoping she'll show up like she's Santa. Hallie's, Hallie's, Hallie's, Hallie's kink is getting yelled at by Fran Drescher for being a scab. Oh yeah, Hallie's kink. Yeah, that's America's kink is getting yelled at by Fran Dresser for being a scout. Oh yeah, Hallie's kink. Yeah, that's America's kink. And finally, California Governor Gavin Newsom was in China last week where he absolutely demolished a small child during a pickup basketball game in Beijing.

Man, they absolutely ate it. Instead of 20-something project manager at a tech company driving 90 minutes in traffic to work from the only home he could afford, at least somebody's getting high-speed railed. Yeah. Because we don't have any fucking trains here. No. You know? Just a lot of traffic and expensive houses.

You know? Shoes with absolutely no traction whatsoever. Yeah, he ate it with the basketball. Those were not the right shoes to play basketball against that child. No. Lazarus, any thoughts? I thought it was pretty funny. Lazarus, you should have like the last word of every Tuesday monologue.

And that's our show. Thank you to Hall like the last word of every Tuesday monologue. And that's our show. Thank you to Hallie, Brian, Kendra, and Sarah. And I just want to take a moment to thank Pallavi Gunalan, who is an incredibly funny writer and who is leaving this show after making Love It or Leave It so much funnier and better week after week for more than three years.

We will miss you and thank you for everything. We'll be out Saturday with our Portland show and Monday with our Seattle show and back Tuesday with another episode of What a Weekday. Content never sleeps. Neither do we. See you sluts on Saturday. Bye sluts. Happy Halloween. Love It or Leave It is a Crooked Media production. It is written and produced by me, John Lovett and Lee Eisenberg. Street Shooter writers. Evan Sutton is our editor. Kyle Seglin and Charlotte Landis provide audio support. On the road, Vendelin von Schroeder is our tour manager, and Anastasia Anderson is our tour coordinator. Stephen Colon is our audio engineer, and Milo Kim is our videographer. Our theme song

is written and performed by Sure Sure. Thanks to our designers, Jesse McLean and Bernardo Serna, for creating and running all of our visuals, which you can't see because this is a podcast, and to our digital producer, Zuri Ervin, David Tolles, Mia Kelman, and Matt DeGroot, for filming and editing video each week so you can. You can find those glorious videos at youtube.com slash at Love It or Leave It podcast. Subscribe to Love It or Leave It on YouTube for access to video versions of your favorite segments and other exclusive content. Don't forget to follow us at Crooked Media on IG and Twitter. And if you're as opinionated as we are, consider dropping us a review. It's love it or leave it.

Alright, we're good. It's knocking on our cellar door. What? Pundit's scratching on the cellar door. It's very eerie. It is eerie. What if we open the door and Pundit's not there? And it's Fred Treasure!