Lovett or Leave It - What a Year!

Episode Date: December 22, 2018

2018 ends as it began: with a looming government shutdown, chaos in the White House, and Paul Ryan hiding behind a potted plant. In a special holiday episode, we highlight some of our favorite moments from Lovett or Leave It this year, from Fox’s take on Colin Kaepernick, to Ijeoma Oluo’s take on #MeToo, Emily Heller’s take on shark thieves, and Lovett’s take on the food pyramid, the downfall of Hooters, and policies that force people to work when they’re sick. Plus a dramatic reading with Mandy Moore and Taylor Goldsmith as the Conways, Ezra Miller stops by to play a game and so much more. Like Nancy Pelosi said to that gavel, see you in 2019.

This episode is sponsored by Cards Against Humanity, the company that bought land on the U.S.-Mexco border to stop Trump's wall, suiting Elon Musk for $15 million for trespassing on that land, used profits from red states to fund abortion access, and paid people to give a shit about the 2024 election. Cards Against Humanity is one of the only companies stupid enough to stand up to Donald Trump. They don't profit from their political stunts, so if you want them to be able to afford a good lawyer, consider buying one of their new games like Cards Against Humanity Tales, a book of fill-in-the-blank stories for horrible people, or shit-list. a new way to play the game where you write the answers, or party mouth, a new party game about shouting obscenities as a coping mechanism for the hellscape we live in. You listen to Quirky Media, so you're probably smart enough to figure out how to buy their stuff.

Anyway, Cards Against Humanity apologizes for interrupting your podcast with their bullshit. Well, we made it. Despite being approximately 1,000 years long, 2025 has finally come to a close. We came, we saw, we screamed, we laid down, we made some jokes, And some of them, dare I say, many of them even, landed. There was a lot of this year we might not want to look back on, so don't worry, we did it for you. While assembling this, our 2025 best of love it or leave it episode, handpicked by the love it or leave it team. We tackled so many hard questions on the show this year, like, is this the end of American democracy? Has the social contract been irrevocably broken?

And most importantly, do white jeans make you gay? The answer to all of those questions is, we don't think so. But we'll let you be the judge as you listen to our favorite segment selected by our writers and producers. There are too many great moments to choose from. We got Bob the Drag Queen, John Marco Seraci, Roy Wood Jr., Tignitaro, and Stephanie Allen. And at the end of the episode,

I will be joined by Sarah Lazarus and Halle Kiefer are writers because I made a bet. And we're going to see how that bet turned out, but I don't think everybody would be excited about this segment if I won. So let's get into it. What a year. First up, these are two of my favorite moments from this year. Bob the Drag Queen and Jessica Carson scream,

look over there back in April, and boy, did I. And then Andy Richter, Jason, Isaacs, and Paula Poundstow dig into what you can do with the vegans number two during one of the best rant wheels of the year. As things get progressively worse, in American conservative media gets more and more panicked about gender and sexuality, because if they didn't, they'd have to cover the news. I'm running out of things to say about it, which is why I wanted you two to say it instead, as we all weigh in on the question, will this successfully distract straight conservatives from the many terrifying real problems affecting our country?

In a segment, we're calling, look over, they, them there. I love, Bob and Jessica sounds like a straight couple. Like, Bob and Jessica are coming over for dinner. It sounds like the hosts of a morning TV show. Yeah, it does. And this morning with Bob and Jessica. In Cincinnati. Yeah.

And that's the traffic report. Back over to you, Bob and Jessica. It does. Yeah, it does. It really does. First up. The claim that sitting in front of a screen makes you a woman. What?

Yep. To be fair, Jessica is sitting in front of a screen. So one out of three chances, it will work. Let's roll the clip. When you sit behind a screen all day, it makes you a woman. Studies have shown this. Studies have shown this. And if you're outworking, like, building robots like Harold, you are around other guys.

you're not around HR ladies and lawyers and gives you estrogen. Let me finish, Judge. What a faggot. Can we just look at the beginning of the clip when he goes sitting behind the screen all day? Yeah, sashet. That's amazing.

It's good. That man knows the flavor of penis. If he did a blind taste, he'd be like, That's dick That is dick I know it is Right It's like

It's like okay Diet Dr. Pepper Dr. Pepper Penice penis He'd be like Diet Dr. Pepper Dr. Pepper Jim?

But he sits in front of a screen all day He's on the news I think he might be full of shit Yeah Jessica Your Who's special is called I'm the man

Yeah Is that because you do stand up And you don't work behind a screen that's like because of the term like I'm the man like I am a female comic who's very powerful and fearless and I yeah so like society's you know view of what a man is

also every time I've been with a woman a straight guy I said who's the man and I'm like I guess it's me because I don't listen and I'm dead inside I was at Taco Bell recently not to brag I'm there every night But I pulled up to the drive-thru And the lady at the drive-thru was like

Welcome to Taco Bell And I was like, hi, can I get the Doritos Locos? And the Mountain Dew Zero Baja Blast And then she said Yes ma'am, absolutely just drive up to the next window And I was like, I don't think my voice is that feminine Okay, sure, whatever.

So I was like, and I was like, I'm not going to correct her it's fine. We pulled up to the window and I look, it's a man. Because I said, I said, yes, ma'am. We pulled up two men. We were like, what do we do?

We didn't say anything. I just said, I said, thank you, ma'am. He said, yes, ma'am on your way. Kiss, kiss, kiss. That's so great. That's an opportunity to kiss. Yeah. You should kiss. Mountain do zero. That's a cursed drink. No, no, no.

Let me tell right now, I'm not one to go on and on about beverages. That being said, I'm pre-diabatic, I can't drink sugar full drinks. So if you're out there looking for a great sugar-free beverage, I'm going to rank them for you. So at the very, very top of the list, you have Taco Bell's Baja Blast Mountain Dew Zero. This is elite. You can't even tell it's zero sugar. Then on the day you have a Diet Dr. Pepper, okay? Absolutely amazing.

Below that, you're going to have Coke Zero and Pepsi Max. But over here in the other world, there's this group of maniacs, and they drink Diet Coke. I like Diet Sprite. Diet Sprite is great. Dad? Diet Coke is a cult. It's crazy. It is a cult. No, drink it with anything.

They're like, good morning. I have a sauce chicken cheese. and a Diet Coke. Yeah. So in my fridge at home, we have Diet Coke, and one level down is all caffeine-free Diet Coke. Silver can, Gold Can. Wow.

Because silver Diet Coke's, you can drink until 3 o'clock. Gold Diet Coke's, you can drink 3 o'clock till morning. I would say, you have reached a certain age when the caffeine and Diet Coke is sending you into a... Yeah. When you're like, if I drink this Diet Coke, I'm not going. gonna get to bed until you are a woman of a certain age yeah i am i am of that whatever age you think that is i have hit it i am on the other side of that age if i if i get anywhere near a full caffeinated diet coke after four o'clock after four o'clock two days are ruined that's amazing

that is such a crisis if i have a diet coke after three o'clock the next day is fucked I'm not better the day after that That's how fucked I am I imagine you have a Diet Coke and someone walks in like are they filming breaking bad in here What's going on? This guy's cracked out in here Next up

The idea that tariffs equal girlfriends This week Vox published an article titled The Strange Link Between Trump's Tariffs and Insill Ideology Meet the Lonely Men who think tariffs Will Get Them Girlfriends Apparently it's part of a larger online that claims women have cushy email jobs, providing them with a level of financial security,

which keeps them from having to marry and have sex with socially dysfunctional men. If tariffs tanks the economy, women will be forced to marry men for economic survival, thus writing a terrible wrong against the duds. Can someone kill me? I'm serious. Can someone just kill me tonight? I don't think maggots know what a tariff is.

I don't either. I genuinely don't think they know. know what it is, what it does, who pays for it, where it comes from, who came first, the tariff for the product, they have no clue. And they will say, it does anything. Tariffs, tariffs, cure cancer, tariffs gives you girlfriends, tariffs gives you wings.

Don't drink a tariff after 3 p.m. Yeah, I just, like, it's just like, you're a, you're sitting in your, you're in front of your computer, and your parents' house. Becoming a woman. Becoming a woman.

Your gaming, life isn't gone your way. You think that tariffs are going to fuck up the marketing jobs for the women and turn you into what? A factory foreman? I hate to say it, but those guys who are not getting laid, not only could tariffs not get you laid?

Jesus Christ! Could not get those guys laid. Yeah, tariffs, that's your problem. That's your problem. You got Jersey bed sheets. Get it together. Terriful, sorry. No, that was...

No, hey, hey, come on. That was horrible. If you committed, we would have been in. I know, they didn't hear it. Yeah, that's true. I said it's terrible, is what I said. See? It worked.

It worked. We're just terrific. Let's do. Hmm. Next up, maybe the TSA body scanner turns you gay. Oh, my. In a recent podcast clip that went viral, a Christian nationalist pastor expressed concern

that the TSA body scanner return him gay with its gay beam. I had to be molested at the airport to go to Florida, right, just to get on an airplane, because I'm not going to go through the gay beam machine. I didn't let CJ do it. I wouldn't let him do it. I said, you're getting patted down too, buddy.

I don't want them turning you gay. I can't. I'm sorry. I just can't take it. I just don't think it's the beam, my friends. You go through, like I'm about to go through security, and you come out and you're like, hello! I mean, we know that's not true

because all gays have TSA pre-check. Everyone knows. We would never stand in this machine. You don't do that. Such an important point. We walk by, we're like, you feel so VIP. You're like, looking at the straight men, kick their shoes off,

taking out their laptops and their fucking iPad pros and their Nintendo switches. And finally, can white men can wear, no. Don't finish it, the answer is no. I also, I misread it. It's not can white men? It's can men wear white jeans? Yeah, no, because they shit themselves so much.

That's right, man. Yeah, maybe the straight men. Shooting themselves. The Trump administration has ignored the Supreme Court, sent our nation into a constitutional crisis, attacked our universities, erased our history, but Fox News can't cover that, so they have to ask important questions like,

can men wear white jeans? I will say, in their defense. No, finish the thought. White jeans are, like, hot. Like, when a man wears white jeans, I think to myself, there's no way this man would ever be straight. A straight man would not think to wear white jeans, for starters.

And if they do, they would be covered in mustard and ketchup. Beef jerky. Cheeto dust. Red Bull, Cheeto dust. They don't have the, they don't have the tact it takes to wear white jeans. It's really, it's high, the white jeans, they're high risk, high reward. If it's working, you feel like, You're just, you're crushing life.

Look at me in these white jeans. The other thing about the white jeans is if the sneakers are off, you look insane. Yeah, you look crazy. Yeah, you look crazy. Everything has to be right. Not a lot of lesbians don't wear white jeans either, I just realize. Huh. I love that no one just responded to that.

Why do you think that is? I feel very alone. I don't know. I mean, I do, but I don't know. I don't know. Let's just go over something else. I, I, I, I, look. Can you just agree with me?

It's true. I have never seen a lesbian wear a white dude. And if I see it, I'll say, not a lesbian. You can't fool me, bitch. You're a lesbian. No. We've got to get these cards check. She's from Lebanon

Oh my God, you're Lebanese Yeah, I'm Jewish from Lebanon So anyway, back I got a lot of questions about I got a lot of questions about Chicken Tarnas So we're in good shape Chicken

Are you Jewish? Yeah Me? Oh, no, I know Hey, do me a favor Never ask anyone that You get anything? I'm a dog owner.

I live in Pasadena. You know, people leaving dog shit around, like, that's, of course, that's infuriating and should be punishable by something. And I do, it's the only reason. Death is the only language that's the only reason that I'm for, like, CCTV everywhere, just to get people leaving dog shit. And I just think there should be a whole part of city government just focused on that. but the thing that gets me beyond that is that you go to the trouble of picking it up and I'm not

one of those people that says don't put dog shit in my trash can it's a trash can put your dog shit in there I don't care but then they put it in the recycling yeah or the yard waste well you might as well throw it in the street can I I'm going to ask a question yes okay and you're passionate yes And I love that. If I have compostable poop bags, which I do, and it's filled with poop, can I not put that in the... A carnivore's poop is not compostable. It doesn't go in the yard waste? It does not.

Really? It's not manure. It's not gray on soil and stuff? No. It's the same way that you can't put human shit in there. What? It does not... Oh, no.

Now we get why he needs scented bags. Now, now, Andy. in fairness, you're making a point that I have to apologize to all of my neighbors now. He's out there again. How does he prop himself up? Yes, I would say that the reason I wasn't putting human waste in the yard waste

bin is not because I knew I couldn't, it's just simply that I wouldn't. But when I thought, I genuinely am learning this from you on this stage, that I thought because I went to the trouble of buying compostable bags, that that meant that green and black were both acceptable places. No, that, that

poop is not, I mean, of course, when it's mixed in with everything, it's, you know, it's, but it's, but it it's not supposed to be. Not supposed to be compostable. If you had a compost pile in your backyard, you know, you could, like I used to live in an equestrian area of Burbank

and there would be horse shit on the street and I'd put it in our compost pile because that's fantastic. They eat hay, because they eat hay, it's an herbivore. Oh. But you, but dog shit, you don't want to do it. I'm a vegan. so I'm fine That's right

That's right All right Just see him I'm a vegan It's okay The allowed is off Good Yeah boy

You want to get that information out to the neighborhood Watch What a fascinating thing to learn Hey don't go anywhere There's more of love it or leave it coming up. Love it or Leave it is brought to you by the League of Conservation Voters. The climate crisis isn't a distant threat. It's here. It impacts everything from the air we breathe to where we call home. But even though things might feel bleak, there's real progress happening thanks to

organizations like the League of Conservation Voters, LCV for short, mobilizing people to stand up for the environment. For over 50 years, LCV has translated our shared hope for a greener future into pro-environmental policies that create clean energy jobs, make air cleaner to breathe, and water safer to drink, keep public lands in the public's hands, and ensure every community is a healthy place to live. Now more than ever, LCV is counting on people like you to sustain their work. Every contribution funds their advocacy from pushing for stronger climate policies to standing up to big polluters in the Trump administration. Progress is happening, but it depends on us. Donate today at LCV.org slash love it or leave it and help fuel LCV's critical work.

Now through December 31st, every donation towards LCV's pursuit of a brighter future gets double-matched. Together, let's make sure the planet never takes a backseat. Donate at LCV.org slash love it or leave it today. Coming up, Tignitaro and Stephanie Allen dogwalk me and my partner Ari down the aisle in a radically unfair round of the newlyway game. After that, Henry Winkler looks back on his creative legacy from freaking out the squares to the fons to writing through his lifelong struggle with dyslexia. Also, somehow Timothy Chalame was involved.

What can I say? the man's a Hollywood institution. Please welcome to the stage, my future spouse and the person who's wet towels, I can't wait to pick up off the bathroom floor every single day until I die. It's the wonderful Ari Schwartz.

All right. All right. Hi. Hi. Are you glad we did this? I'm, yeah. Do you don't regret doing this? No.

Doing what? Being on the microphone. Oh, oh, yeah. I thought you meant engaged. Oh. I was like, uh-oh. Well, now would be the time to kind of hash that out. Anything you'd like to share about the engagement?

It happened. Mm-hmm. And now I'm on a microphone Because of it Tell us the engagement story Well I will So we planned it

To with an inch of its life To the point where there was Zero surprise None To the point where we discussed Not just when we would do it Not just that we would do it at a dinner But and not just that we would do it

During dessert But what What dessert? I don't even remember the dessert. But we decided that we would do it. There was some cookie, I guess. But we decided we would do it when the dessert was placed, but before we ate it. Because then we wouldn't face a...

We had an overly attentive waiter, which we love, we love. But we were nervous that it would be interrupted. But are you talking about this the whole time you're at this? Essentially, yes. But what about before you got there? The whole day. And honestly, weeks before. So it was, it was, yeah, it kind of took over.

And there was, and that was romantic in its own way. Sure. Yeah. But then we had a really nice day together. And then we decided on the moment and then we each had set, we decided we would each say something really nice about why we wanted to be engaged. And then we made it official. And then we exchanged rings. Sure did.

Can I make my joke? Yeah, you sure can. and it turns out there's no amount of testosterone that can kill the part of a Jewish woman that wants a big diamond. That's true. That's true. That is amazing.

All right. I really like, can I make my joke? And then, real quick, how far into your relationship and did you decide I want to be married to this person and who brought it up and was like, I want to be married to.

Well, it doesn't, it involves the television program survivor. I assumed. As all engagements should. Because I went on the television program survivor. And. For what? To be a... To survive.

Okay. And we had only started dating, not soon before, like pretty close to when I had to leave. Wait, you were actually a cast member on there? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You don't know that. You don't know that I was on the...

I don't follow... I only know who Houdini is. Right. I don't follow pop culture. No, no, for sure. And so I was on Survivor, which meant I was gone and away from my phone for five weeks or four weeks. Oh, my God.

And when I got my phone back, So we had talked about, we'll see where we are at the end of the year. This was in May of last year. And when I got my phone back, I, we both, I called you from Fiji. But we basically, when I called, having been away for five weeks, we're like, when I get back, this is it. And we moved in right then. You said that.

Well, I had already moved in, obviously, because he had left the property. So I moved in. And so you called saying When I get home It's just me and you kid For Eves And you said You said you were

You were It wasn't like it was like You weren't surprised by that But you were a little hesitant Were you like like how long No I think I was like Basically like Yeah I've pretty much already moved

Every All of my stuff in Yeah so that's a little bit of the old lesbian jumping out. And that it was a very practical thing. Well, my stuff is already here. So I guess we should spend the rest of our lives together. That's how it works.

To be fair, I used to have a loft downtown. And Stephanie came over in like, what, the first month? And she was like, I am so sick of trying to find parking down here. Should we just move in together? I was like, sure. Anybody else before Stephanie? I would have been like calling a. friend being like, no, she couldn't find parking.

And she's like, should we move in? But with Stephanie, I'm like, that makes sense. Yeah. Yeah. No one came off survivor, but. Also, the plumbing did break at your apartment. Yeah, my apartment flooded, which is also obviously a part of it.

And did you call? And were you like, so my plumbing exploded? Well, I had ripped the pipe out the wall the day before. All right. And now it is with deep regret. that I hand over control of this segment to Hallie. Welcome, everyone, to a segment

we're calling the SUNYWed game. Thank you, Kennedy, for the title. We are going to pit one married couple against two spouses to be. However, since being married for a decade definitely puts a thumb. On the personal trivia scale, we try to balance out the relationship deep dives

with a more philosophical view of your partner. Did we succeed? It's too late to worry about that now because it's time to play the SUNYWed game. When I ask a question, I'll be directing it either to TIG and Lovett or Stephanie and Ari. I paired you guys up based on how much I liked your vibe.

Let us begin. Ari and Stephanie, what is the single most annoying thing your partner does? Now, Lovett and TIG, you're going to write what you think they're writing right now. So this is not what you personally think the most annoying thing is, is like, what is the most annoying thing to Stephanie

in her eyes or Ari in their eyes. I think this is, oh, that's a tough one. Wow. This is going to be devastating. All right. I gave Ari some suggestions backstage. I'm not going to lie. Okay.

Any ideas. What if I can't think of anything? Ooh. Wow. God. That's longevity. That's practice. That's practice.

Stephanie just erasing wild. List. All right. How are we doing? Are we still working on it? Nope. Okay. Write a lot down there.

Love it. Great. Okay. I'm ready. All right. Great. So then who reveals first? Ooh, I don't think we thought that through.

I think Ari and Stephanie reveal and then you love it and take you reveal and see if they match. Okay. All right. So Ari and Stephanie, please turn your boards around and I will read them out loud. Arias written, doesn't know how to pick up dog poop. That's a great one. Stephanie says, her love of air.

conditioning, okay? Love it, let's turn years around first. I said, constantly says, let's deal with this task tomorrow until we die. Yeah, okay. These seem related, and then TIG, okay, great, a lot of laughs, let's

turn this bad boy around, and we wrote Wow, that's 10 years, though. Wow, how did they got it? How is 10 too cold? Wow. That's how we do it. Twelve years. And two of me, that's a week. That's amazing.

That's one point for you. Just to be clear, when Ari says I don't know how to pick up dog poop, it's not that I don't pick it up, it's that they believe my technique is wrong. It's wrong. Do you guys want to smell the dog poop? He holds it up to his nose. Oh, he opens the bag up here. No, I...

Defend it. Ari claims the bag is open, is open too long. Well, because it's open. That I don't try to close it at the ground, that I come up and then I close it. What a nasty fight. Don't worry. I'm worried about you, too. They have eternity to resolve it.

Moving on. I think I already know the answer, at least, for one of our couples. And this is a question for Ari and Stephanie. Ari and Stephanie, tell me, in your opinion, who is more likely to ruin a vacation? And take that however you want to take it, you know what I'm talking about. And is this just yes or no? No. If it's possible, it is yours or Stephanie's name.

And am I doing this? Yes. You're doing all of them. Okay. All right, great. I see a big old answer on Ari. So we'll start with you guys. Ari, would you mind turning your board around?

Yeah, I obviously, come on. Now, I obviously said, love it. Yeah. Very big, John. I wrote, me, not even close. Yes. Love it. Of course. obviously.

All right, okay. Tig and Stephanie. It's happened many times. Excuse me another. Many times. So many. Many trips. No points awarded or involved.

Sounds like some indoor vacations. Are you guys having fun? Yeah. What is the most likely thing to get you in trouble on a vacation? I was thinking... Do we write it on the board here? We've had some hospital detours. Well, my body has failed me a few times.

Yeah, I don't know if those count. That's what I was thinking you were going to think. Well, I think... You want to know the way I've ruined vacations? Stephanie and I really differ on what time to leave for airports. And in fact, we went through that getting here tonight, calling the car. Stephanie wanted to call the car to where we would arrive 40 minutes early.

Not interested in that. I'm not interested in that. Whereas I like to just roll in. 40 minutes late. 40 minutes late. No, I'm not, no. Don't you start pulling indoor problems with me. we got to wrap it up before love it collapses here final question

Ari and Stephanie what is your weirdest habit obviously the one that you'd be okay revealing tonight in front of all these people I'm not trying to end your relationships so again Ari and Stephanie what is your weirdest habit and then love it and take what is the what just what you think is their weirdest habit oh my gosh all right Stephanie I'll have you start first what is your weirdest sounds so weirdest Oh, okay, great. My cup in the bath, yes.

Weird. And then, TIG, I'll have you turn it around. Please be cup in the bath, money on. When 70 points at all... I didn't finish writing it, where she points all of her fingers up at the water faucet in the bathtub. So, similar.

Same thing. It's the same thing. She either, when the water comes out of the faucet, I notice because I go sit in a... on this stool next to the bath and talk to her while she's... Enjoy your cup, yep. Yeah, and the water comes out. She's in the tub.

The water's coming out of the faucet, and she makes a cup with her hand for the water, or she does this to the water. So it's, I hadn't finished riding the whole thing, but it's the water. And we'll give her the point. We'll give the point. Temperature. But come on, that's pretty impressive. That's amazing.

That's amazing. It's not even that weird. 12 years! This is why when I say I thought it was serendipitous that you were here. What an interesting and exemplary couple. Thank you. My little cup. All right, Ari.

So we have also, aside from indoor problems, we also have indoor weird habits, too, you know, right? I love that. Right? Right. Right, am I right? Right, ladies. Save it for the bathtub. Ari, what do you mind revealing your weirdest habit?

bringing up to do list items right before we fall asleep for things months away. Great. Excellent. Wow. First of all, I feel very seen by that answer. Oh my God.

Don't tell me it's the cup in the bathtub. No, it's a similar... I would say this. It is connected. You will see how it is connected. If Ari leaves the house, they must shower when getting home.

No exceptions. Even if it was just like 10 minutes that once you're outside, you are unclean. Yeah. I like your style. Arie. Yeah, I'm real clean.

I'm going to do it. Love it. But yes, that is, that does happen. But that relates to my item earlier where I said, I like to put off little tasks forever until we die.

And I like to talk about them as I fall asleep. And I think weird is annoying. Annoying is weird. So really, it is a same question. We just reworded it. And that somehow was the game. Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you so much, everybody. Hallie Keeper, everybody. Thank you for having me. Ari Schwartz. Well, in celebration of this milestone... I'm here. We're introducing a segment called 80 for 80.

80 for... For those at home... Is that me? That is a version of you of what could have been. This is 80 for 80 in the style. of 80 for Brady. Yeah. I think we look great.

No. And so we're going to try to get through as many of 80 questions as we can. In honor of your 80th birthday, Milwaukee, Wisconsin officially declared October 30th, Henry Winkler Day. Happy Days was set in Milwaukee.

Yes, it was. Previously have erected the bronze fons. Yes. Do you have to be able to pull off a leather jacket to achieve your level of a You know, I was not able to wear leather in the beginning. I had to wear cloth because ABC thought I would be associated with crime. So, and it was very hard to be cool in cloth.

I am not kidding. The collar did not stay up. It's very funny to imagine a time in which this was dangerous. This sweet, this sweet. This sweet character with his leather jacket and white t-shirt. We had Rob Reiner on, and Rob Reiner had played a tough in the style of the Fonz where he had worn a leather jacket. But it's like, I'm sorry, but this is just a sweet Jewish boy on a motorcycle.

Well, they wanted a tall Italian, and they got a short Jew. That is true. But I loved it. I really did. I loved to. And, you know, my parents, would, were shorter than I was, and they were from Germany, and they were really not supportive at all.

And they would call me Duma Hunt, which means dumb dog. What? Yes, because I'm very dyslexic, so I didn't do well. I'm in the bottom 3% academically in America. And then that jacket, I called my parents. I said, well, Duma Hunt's jacket is now in the Smithsonian. Wow. Do you ever, did you ever feel insecure about being short?

I, I feel insecure about almost every single thing. It is only in the last 10 years. I saw myself as a, honest to God, as a block of Swiss cheese filled with holes. And in the last 10 years, I have tried to make myself into a block of cheddar. What is it? So you really feel like, so when you were, when you turned 70, you were, some of the insecurities you carried when you were being called without a doubt really yes and in the last decade you shed some because you know uh unless you uh actually do some work

you are who you are and that doesn't go away no matter what changes your age your your your physicality it the inside pretty much stays the same it is really up to you um to make yourself more whole. And do you think you talked about being dyslexic, one of the children's book that's just coming out,

right? Or one of the children's books you've written recently. Okay, can I brag? Yes. All right. The 40th, my 40th children's book

came out, September 30th. Thank you. Can I, I would like to say and no pressure at all, but the holidays are coming and I,

it's about a little duckling who dreams about being a detective and she's an environmentalist. Yeah. And the duck is not dyslexic? The duck is not dyslexic. But there's an overachiever.

The writer is. Yes. But then you write. Hank Zipser. Hank Zipser. 28 novels about a little boy, me. Okay, great, great story.

PS 87. I went to PS 87 on 78, just up the block from where I was born and raised and grew up on 78th between Broadway and Amsterdam. So PS 87. And I went there and I read Hank Zipser because he also goes to PS87.

You write what you know. And so I went to an award show and there was Timothy Shalame. And I went up and I said, I have to shake your hand because you are really terrific at what you do. He said, I'm a hugger. And so he gave me a hug.

I was thrilled. And then he said, the first time you came to PS 87 with Hank Zipser I was in the fourth grade and I was in the audience when you read the book oh my god wow little timiday yeah but the boy in that book has dyslexia

he is me he is you yes so the the the emotionality of that little boy in the book is true and the comedy, my writing partner, Lynn Oliver, the comedy we made up. But what I'm going to someone I'm asking is, do you think your insecurities came from dyslexia?

Like, how much of a role of dyslexia played in driving you? You, I took geometry for four years. Same course. I took it in regular school and in summer school. Regular school, summer school. Regular school, summer school. And I finally passed it with a

D-minus so I could go to the one college that accepted me. Emerson in Boston and thank you I got in and I nearly got kicked out but I got in and from that day

in August of 1963 that I passed with a D-minus not one person has ever said hypotenuse to me but sometimes you're figuring out

which direction to go and then you think I know my left because it's the arm I stick out the window when I'm driving. That's how I know my left. I struggle with that too. You know what I struggle with?

I have to get in the map like on friends. I got to rotate that map. Whatever direction I'm facing, I got to turn the map fully around. Is that true? Yeah. I can't read the map.

Boy, we'd be terrible on the amazing race. Or would we? Hey, don't go anywhere. There's more of Love It or Leave It coming up. Love It is brought to you by Sundays. We all love the idea of feeding our dogs real fresh food, but the reality is that fresh dog food usually means taking up freezer space, time to thaw and prep, then a lot of mess when you serve it. Get the good without the hassle with Sundays.

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first order or you can use code love it at checkout that's 50% off your first order at sundaysfor dogs dot com slash love it sundays for dogs dot com slash love it or use code love it at checkout nation's first gay Supreme Court, and we found Pete Buttigieg for president by reason of sanity. Following that, Jean-Marco Saracian, Roy Wood Jr., wake us up about the future of late night at Montreal's Just for Laughs comedy festival mere days after Stephen Colbert got the acts from CBS. And also, while we're on the subject of education, look, since we on the Supreme Court, look, I get it. Like, black history is American history, and it should be taught, but not in every school. I feel like, like, I feel like white people, I don't really need y'all to know

black history like that. Like, it's actually none of y'all business. It's actually really none of y'all. Because, like, have you ever met, like, a white dude who went to NYU who learned about black history? That's the most annoying motherfucker you've ever met. Like, one time I was talking to a dude, one of these types of dudes, and he was like, you know, he was talking to me about black history. He kept referencing shit that I kind of didn't know. But instead of being like, oh, yeah, that's cool, I'm like, get the fuck out of my face, dog. What are you telling me about James Baldwin for?

Fuck, I don't give a play. Get the fuck on, bitch, like this. Telling me about my shit. This is my shit. He was trying to be a friend. No, he's being racist. That's racist. I don't know how it's racist.

I can't tell you exactly why it's racist, but I felt racial. I felt racial. Hey, your feelings are valid, and we are not going to question your feelings, He's not on this stage. How about that? I still feel targeted. All right, last one. On a recent episode of his podcast,

Tucker Carlson accused Pete Buttigieg of being secretly straight. I've always wanted to interview him. He's never agreed to interview, but I'm going to ask him like some very specific questions about gay sex and see if he can even answer. I doubt he even knows. I love how, like, excited he got about really specific gay sex questions. But look,

I think he's right about being put him to judge. That dude said he would take a pill to be straight. Right? I mean, who among us? He said that? And that doesn't exist. Well, I think you go through that phase. I think some people go through that phase of self-hating

where he thought he would take a pill to stop being able. I don't think he'd take the pill anymore because then what how he has a husband and kids. I mean, he's literally the gayest. You got a husband and kids. Listen, man. Listen, man, he's from, where he from Indiana? Yeah, that's right.

That's the kind of white dude who want to be straight. I get it, he went to the military, all that shit. I understand Pete. I mean, fuck, he could have stayed in the closet all that. Listen, y'all, listen, y'all, listen, y'all, listen, we're not going to get, you know, my fellow Americans. That's not how we get. We're not going to get that. And Pete, it's not that.

This is why this motherfucker can run for office, dog. Like, he could be the first gay president, because this motherfucker on paper is the president. He was mayor in fucking middle of nowhere, fucking Indiana. He went to the military, went to the fucking top college. That's a straight man. That's a straight white man on paper. But this motherfucker is such dick. He should have pulled the Beyonce.

He should have pulled the fucking Beyonce. Let me tell you something. He should have faked it until he fucking made it and then hit us with one of these when he became a president. But that's not him because America's not going to vote for this shit right now. That's why he should have faked it. That's why he should have faked like a straight white man. He has zero percent. He got voted in, act like he was fucking bitches and then hit us with the woke and walking.

I somewhat I agree with that but also I just think you know like for him it's like listen I'm trying to be here for all y'all

if y'all would you shut the fuck up dad shut the fuck up let me that was same thing with Hillary Hillary should have been

like all them all them white women shut the fuck up let me do this he could have he could have really because like the thing is

Pete Pete exists and let me say something are you arguing for people I'm arguing for a Pete because, let me tell you why, because my mom, my mom, during the campaign, his campaign for presidency, my mom, at some point she got on the horn and she called me, she was like,

I'm thinking about voting for Pete. And y'all don't know, my mama. I'm like, you just was okay with me being gay yesterday. And now you want a motherfucker that's suck dick to run your country. That's progress. And my mama is light-skinned in the same sorority as Kamala Harris. And I'm telling y'all right now, y'all not ready for them kind of problems. Counterpoint?

No, I'm kidding. Like I fucking said, he would have made a great president. He should have faked it like Beyonce. When everybody was like, damn, Beyonce Black, we should have been saying that about Pete. We don't, oh, yeah. Pete a fruit cup. Hell yeah, he's a fucking fruit cup. I like fruit cups.

It sounds like my uncle. Ain't that the problem. The problem is not the fact that he gay. This is why America fucking make me sick. Why the fucking got to be about being gay? What about who he is as a motherfucking person? He's a good person. You know he's worthy of a goddamn job.

He got the stats. He did the fucking work. He did the homework. He's a man of America because he gay. He ain't fucking qualified. Man, fuck y'all, niggas, man. Pete, bitch. Pete, bitch.

You should be on his next. Pete, bitch. Pete, bitch, that's what it is. Pete, if you're out there, if you're watching this hire this nigga, okay? She will get you elected. But you got people out here listening to motherfuckers that was never in the motherfucking military,

didn't fucking complete college. Don't know what the day just up here making up their own theories and ideologies. You got people listening to these motherfuckers. And about Pete, bitch. Pete, bitch. Pete, bitch. Pete, bitch.

Pete bitch. CBS canceled the late show with Stephen Colbert, which will end next year. The announcement came on the heels of Trump's settlement with CBS's company, Paramount, and Donald Trump took the true social to gloat, saying, I absolutely love that Colbert got fired. What were Stephen Colbert's three words in response to the president? Jean-Marco, you take it. Fuck you, Trump?

It's incorrect. Go fuck yourself. That's correct. That's so harsh. I feel like Trump is Colbert's most loyal viewer. I mean, it's such a case of sore winning. I feel like Trump would want Colbert. I mean, you know, Colbert let people like my mom blow off steam, you know?

Once that shows canceled, my mom's going to be like, fuck, I guess I have to storm the capital now. And, I mean, have you... Did anyone see the South Park episode last night? So this is what happened. He's such a sore winner. He gets rid of Colbert. Now South Park, who just secured a $1.5 billion deal with Paramount Plus,

release an episode where they just talk shit about Trump and how small his penis is for the entire episode. It ends with a two-minute AI-generated video of Trump walking through the desert, stripping down, fully nude, and then his penis saying this message is endorsed by Donald Trump. And now Paramount Plus can cancel their deal, but they still have to pay 1.5 billion.

billion dollars you should have stuck with with the enemy you knew right you've you've been in a late night game for a long time uh what was your reaction to the colbert news uh it was you don't do it like that if it's about budget you get an opportunity to trim fat and find solutions colbert was not given that jimmy fallon's facing budget issues they go to four nights a week Seth Myers faces budget issues they got rid of the 8G ban Jimmy Kimmel and them they have their issues and so you know Jimmy takes more time off

during the summer I know a lot of that it's about the stress of late night in politics and want to be around the sun more but it still helps the budget if you have guest hosts so to say that Colbert's over budget and then you just immediately go we're going to cancel it that means that either you hate the man

or you just really do not have a plan and I know that late nights at a tough pinch because this is still the same network to Paramount's credit Cordon leaves, you replace it with Taylor Tomlinson with After Midnight, which is a much, much cheaper show

to do. And when Taylor decides to not come back, rather than look for a new host, rather than replace her on the cheaper show, they just said fuck it, we're not even going to replace that. And they air literally episodes of Comics Unleashed with Byron Allen from

15 years ago. In that time slot, which just shows you what they think of the value proposition of that time slot. That's not a dig at Byron Allen. I'm just saying that they're content with just whatever the fuck is just, if I could put it up there. We're talking about episodes

of TV still in standard. The square shit. Like it's so are they trying to abandon late night as a format? I think that they definitely are trying to figure out a way to do it a different way

but I don't know that they have the solution I don't know if they are young enough The solution's name is Greg Gutfeld I mean late night's a lot cheaper when you don't have writers you know what I mean? Yeah. Have you ever seen that have you seen Goodfell? God it's got the jokes. I thought they had

writers. I think they do but you know they're not putting their own to it. Also Goodfeld is technically a prime time show and I'm tired of people categorized if we're going to get Pardon us for a second. The sag after talk right now. Yeah.

It doesn't come on after 11.30, so technically it's not a late night show, but he keeps saying he's the king of late night. But you're not. You're the king of primetime unscripted that could be late night if it were on an hour fucking later. It's not stop lying to the people. And I'll say that even shit like Goodfell makes me laugh sometimes, but it's still as far to...

Wait, what does it make you laugh? There are punchlines, every blue moon. Oh, my God, there's more editing in that than an Epstein prison video. The... My point is that network television clearly does not have a solution for how to create a profitable product at 1130 or 1230, so much so that rather than brainstorm something, will just air something from the vault.

in the meantime. And I feel like next year or I think in two years when the rest of the boys' contracts are up across the networks, it's going to be interesting to see what happens. I think we'll end up seeing something that is very similar to what is happening in sports. If you watch sports

television, they go, oh, you got a good podcast? Here's four years 80 mill, Pat McAfee. Just come do that shit over here. That's easier than developing a show. And I think you'll see something similar like that, you know, like a show that maybe has three pink couches that already has

a following that could, you know. They know where to find me. And yet, they never seem to look. But the the plan was for this always to be a podcast for a decade. Now, that was the plan from the

fucking beginning. The Late Show loses apparently $50 million in its current formation, but there's $1.5 billion for South Park. So $50 million in the grand scheme of things is a rounding error for Paramount, which is a $30 billion revenue business. The fact that they have decided that the late show brand, a marque historic legacy institution, which we do not make more of. We don't make more

of these globally known brands in media that are from before social media, whether it's the fact that all of our movie stars are 60 years old or the fact that these we don't make them anymore and the fact that they can't find a way or don't want to find a way to get the value out of the late show which still gets millions of views on YouTube which still could be something that exists on streaming that could do all it says they have chosen that they don't want to find a way to make this worse because they don't want the headache because all these big companies that kind of sucked up your the NBC's it Disney owns ABC right Comcast buys NBC Paramount owns CBS.

All these companies sucked up all these American icons and institutions because they saw synergies, because they saw prestige, because billionaires thought it would be fun to talk about or to go to the premieres back when there was no risk because there wasn't a president who exploited and abused his office to put his thumb on the scales to try to get coverage he liked, right? And so all those threats about how dangerous corporate media would be have become true. And when these guys are finally tested,

because it actually cost something to have a comedian on, every night making fun of the president. They just don't care. But I do think we have to acknowledge the fact that a lot of late night, and I understand that in reaction to Trump, it felt like the entertainment had to become as partisan that could be, because it felt like there was something so, so evil that you had to focus all your attention on it, that I did think it did not criticize power in general, it criticized one side of power. And the problem with that is I did think you created a partisan late night that did turn off a lot of people. I'm not saying you that they should have been nicer to Trump by any means.

In fact, I think they should have been meaner to all people in power or more apolitical. One of the two, you choose. But I do think there's a reality where you, late night, you know, people love to talk about how Carson was apolitical. And that allowed him to host any award show and everyone could enjoy it. And allowed him to be a kind of figure in American culture

that everyone could enjoy. Now, you could argue that with someone as fascistic as Trump that you shouldn't have, You shouldn't have anyone who isn't just targeting him every single time. But I do think comedy and comedians in general lean too hard into focusing on one particular thing that they lost a lot of people. What's so interesting about South Park going this hard is because they have a lot of credit where they never really pander to anyone.

And I do think late night and comedy and political comedy in general has to step back and look at how we critique, not just one side of things, but that you're constantly, so you can bring in more people. You need, I don't think, you know, you have a tent for shows the same way political party has tent. And you need to build a tent around making fun of those in power, whether it's, whether it's Hillary Clinton, whether it's Trump, whether it's Nancy Pelosi,

whether it's convenient to the moment, or whether you feel that you, an election is coming up, the moment you start isolating and you push people away and then you never bring them in and then you never sway anyone's mind and your entire audience are people who just are being pandered to and kind of get some steam off every night and I do think there's a consequence to that and and I'm not saying Colbert should have been canceled and obviously I think the reasons are just to pander to Trump for this deal but I do think late night has to take a comedy has to take accountability of what it is

to in the face of something that feels so evil to still criticize the people that enabled him because it's not just him, it's the people who enabled him. And a lot of those are Democrats. But what you're talking about is noble. It's

very noble but it's not maximum profit. Because if you've created a show that has somehow one day woken up this far on the left side of every issue to stand in the pocket and do exactly what you're talking about. Well, now you're going to rankle the one couple of people

that are giving you a ratings bump at a time where TV is dying. John Stewart, to his credit, the first day John Stewart came back last year, he called Joe Biden old. That was like literally 30 seconds into the episode, and they were all, oh, how could you? That's why he's one of the greats? And now, look now, it's like, well, shit, he was old, and even the crackhead agrees. And I think where Trace is. Parker and Matt Stone differ is that they have never had to taste the dopamine of public

adulation. And that is a difficult drug to fucking turn off and go, I'm going to stand in this pocket and be hated and I'm okay with that. Hey, don't go anywhere. There's more of love it or leave it coming up. Love it or leave it brought you by our frames. For anyone still hunting for the right gift, our frames makes it look like you planned it all along. Look, it's hard to think of the right gift for family members sometimes. And every year it's a challenge. But, But with this, you get to somebody a nice picture frame, you load it up with sweet moments from your past. It's so thoughtful and people really love it. It's both an object and an experience.

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Next up, we have Robbie Hoffman and Rachel Bloom, who joined for a very special episode. Both my parents and my future in-laws were in the audience. Even my 10-year-old nephew Bennett got to take part, specifically the part where Rachel wasn't talking about the idea of pegging her husband in this. It's even saying it now, it sounds crazy. this clip, we review classic Jewish stereotypes and celebrate the queers. Truly, it was a Passover to remember. Speaking of Jews, I also make David Krumholtz and Anna Gastair pick their favorite New York curmudgins during maybe the happiest week in recent Big Apple memory. The week

Zorn and Mdani officially became the next mayor of New York. Also, Danny DeVito fans, beware. You're in first gear. Robbie and Rachel, I think it's fair to say that it's part of our collective Jewish heritage to shy away from exhibiting any traits that Goyim might consider cliche. For example, using the word Goyim in front of the Goyim. However, in the spirit of Passover, I wanted to give all of us an opportunity tonight to lighten our mental load by embracing some Semitic stereotypes in a segment we're calling if the Jew fits.

I will serve up a Jewish stereotype and Robbie and Rachel, you'll tell us whether or not the stereotype resonates with you. First up, complaining, kvetching. What's wrong with complaining? To complain is to enjoy. To me,

the one and the same, I could be on a yacht and find it too shaky. It doesn't mean it doesn't mean it means I'm enjoying I'm alive I'm in the experience I there's something that I find baffling why are Jews so cold

or hot or hot but my family you can't be under a draft my grandfather when my mom was growing up they would have to restaurant hop if the restaurant was too cold but but we come from

I mean some of I don't know We're a desert people. Well, I guess, yeah, look, if we're talking OG, desert people, so I guess it's not. But it gets cold in the desert, too. I was going to say, in Europe, too. Yeah, for sure. So it depends how long your DNA is remembering back. I just say Jews are cold.

They aren't cold. We were in Mexico at a really nice hotel over the holidays. Excuse me. Not to brag. We've been to Mexico. So we're there, and we're sitting at this. And we watch this, the, the, it was, we were there around Hanukkah. So we knew who all the Jews were because we had done a candlelighting.

And so then we're sitting at this table and we watch just Jewish family after Jewish family just say no to this one table. They just got walked to the table. Ari remembers this. And they were like, nope. And they would get walked to another table. And then another Jewish family came. They tried to say that, nope.

It was behind a poll. They couldn't see the view. What? Moved. Moved. Three Jewish families said no to this table. And then a lovely, very clearly not. Jewish couple are sat at this table, they eat their whole meal, and they're so happy.

And at the end, the man said the most kind of Christian thing I've ever heard, which is he turned to the waiter and said, would you please send the chef our compliments? I don't think a Jew's ever said that. No. I always have envy for these type of people, because it takes me so much. I feel like it's like if you get started watching porn, then you need crazier and crazier porn, these type of people. It's like sometimes I'm on a plane.

I was on a plane next to just a regular Midwestern type of lady. She must have been mid-fifty. She ordered Pinocrygio, whatever. She's watching Mall Cop 2. Not Mall Cop 1, Mall Cop 2. Kevin James, in a mall on a segue. The Paul Blart one. What?

Paul Blart? I don't know. Was it Paul Blart? Kevin James. It's Paul Blart. I don't know why I'm connecting. I feels like I'm correcting Kevin James is pronouns, but I'm not. It's just, it's Paul, I think it's Paul Blart.

Have you seen King of Queens? I love that show. Anyway, she is, this lady, you sit next to me, I'm Middle C, this lady, it's like, even the setup to any joke, she's already dying. She's like, plots out. Like, she's like fucking dying. Then as soon as the joke hits, whatever, there's slapstick, stupid, he falls off the thing. She's, the wine is everywhere.

Like, she is, she's dying at this movie. And meanwhile, I'm still looking for something to watch. It takes me so long to find something. And this lady could just throw on whatever's there and enjoy her life. And I have an envy for these people. Absolutely. No, I know.

It is. There's something about, it's beautiful. You're just sort of like, that's so cool. They just enjoy so much. I still get like that when it comes. Like, I will rewatch any of the Austin Powers and I'm back to being in middle school. And like a couple weeks ago, I was like,

my daughter has to see Austin Powers and so I turn on Austin Powers too and the first thing is like fat bastard having just fucked Heather Graham and I'm like nope, never mind she will not see Austin Powers Have you seen, has your nephew seen Austin Powers? Okay

It's pretty funny right? Where he goes, okay, seen Austin Towers? That's really good. So he's seen some of this stuff. I have kids, I know how to relate. How old's the nephew? How old is Bennett? Benny, how old are you?

Oh, he's back? Oh, you're only nine? What did? No, bro, nine is too young. Wait, you're ten. You're nine? No, nine is really young. And actually, I don't, I can't guarantee my performance.

Oh, my God. We got to jump ahead. We got to jump ahead. Can I also say, for the record, though, my five-year-old completely understands Gabe. people. It's not, for anyone who's like, how are you going to make, for anyone who's like, don't kiss in front of my kid, are you going to make me explain gay people to my kid? It's really easy. You just say, some men love men and some women love women. They go, okay,

it's so, it's so funny. The first time I heard about a trans person or anything like that was our cousin Pinsky, who was enormous. He was the size of the car, and he was the greatest guy. And he would come to visit us, and we don't, I don't even know how he's my cousin. But it's like, Pinsky's in, he's got candy, and so we're in. And Pinsky showed up, his girlfriend must have been 6'4. So we're like, this is the tallest lady we've ever seen. And we went up to my mother, and my mother was just like making, like making. And I'm like, Mom, what's up with this?

And we were like all asking her, like me and my brother's mom, it's like, why? Pinsky's girlfriend is so tall. Like, just the tallest girl we ever seen. And we kept saying, how tall are you? you're a kid, how tall of you, you know, and she was happy to tell us and whatever. And I was like, what's what's been skin? And she goes, she was born a boy and now she's a girl.

And I'm like, oh, okay. And it totally made it sense. It made it, that's why she's tall. Like, it was like, oh, I must have been like five or six years old. I'm like, oh, it makes sense. And we all moved on. That was the end of that. There was no follow up.

I was like, oh. Yeah, yeah. Okay. Hey, and then we just, yeah. And so, and he just was like, he was with the trans woman for years and years. We never knew she was a trans. We never even had that language. But we just knew, she's a boy, now she likes a bigger girl.

But it never came up past that again. It was just like we figured it out. So it's very easy. And then you don't have, if you make it a bigger deal, it's like, if a kid falls. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's fine. Yeah, yeah. It's like, it's fine.

If you make it a big deal, oh, what happened? They're going to be screaming crying. It's almost like we need to take the whole conservative movement. and then show them a bunch of trans and gay people and just go, you're okay. It's no big deal, you're okay. You're fine. Just you're going to get up and run around

and have a good time with your friend. You're okay. You're okay. You're a tough little guy. You're okay. Exactly. Have you have any experiences with some classic hermensions? Yes.

I worked. They're both dead so I can bash them. It's Dick Cheney. backstage. What's that? Dick Cheney. Dick Cheney, yeah, I worked with him very closely. What a, just constantly complaining about his back. No, I don't know. I worked with Alan Arkin, who was quite curmudgeony, and hilarious and lovely, and way funnier when he was angry than when he was trying to be funny. You ever be around someone where they get super-duper angry, and it's the

the funniest thing you've ever seen, and you have to hide your laughter. He would note it. It's not even funny. I don't know why you're laughing. I was standing on a bridge in Nova Scotia looking out over a lake, and I thought, I should kill myself.

So I'm going to throw myself in the lake. Instead, I decided to spend the rest of my life working on myself. He's like, wow. And now it's time for a game. We're calling Armacumajegeddin. Here's how it works. I'm going to name her commudgeon, who's either from New York

or really seems like they should be. David and Anna, you're going to blind rank that mudge on a scale of one to five, with one being the most mudgeonly, but you won't know who the next curmudge will be. So you're ranking them from one to five, but you have to be careful because you don't know who will be next.

Okay. Okay, first up. Yeah, I'm checking to see if she understands it as well. Yes, okay. I just want to make sure everyone's comfortable. I'm fine. This is fun. Remember Ovenheimer?

Yeah. I'm ready. Yes. We have Vermont Senator and Brooklyn's native son, Bernie Sanders. Oh, man. Wow. Here's the classic photo

from Biden's inauguration. Yeah. I was once interviewing Bernie Sanders and mid-question, he leaned back and looked to his aide and went, that's real. That really happened to me. It was a real blow.

It was a real blow. That's curmudgeon behavior. That's curmudgeon behavior. Anna, where do you think you're going to rank? Okay, I'm just going to say he has messages of hope that are veiled under messages of doom and dread. So I'm going to say he's a three. I'm not going to give him the number one spot. One is the most curmudgeon.

I'm going to say three. I think I was actually going to say the exact same thing. So much of it is about hope and optimism. I'm in a, yeah, so five is our top? Five would be the least curmudgeonly. Yes, I'm going to say three. I'm in, I'm in consensus here. Next up, we have Fran Lievowitz.

Oh. Yeah. One thing about leaving your apartment is that there's so many other people out there. The great thing about my apartment assigned from the fact that it's a great apartment is that I control if there are other people in it. A classic curmudgeon sentence, if I'd ever heard one. I'm going to go, you know what?

She's really... Yeah. I'm going to say number one. I'm going to take a risk and say she's the most curmudgeoning New Yorker. I'm going to just say two because we've got to do the math. You like math. I do. I do like math.

Okay, a two from Anna. Next up, Larry David. Where are we on the... Caroline, where are we on the rankings to this point? Because we're going to have to put him in a slot. Well, that makes sense to me Because it's all a joke It's all a bit

His mind works He's a comedy machine It's all a bit Do I think he's like that in real life Probably to some extent He's very much that in real life Yeah I saw him

I had the fake and orgasm for four hours On a car rig Driving around Park Avenue Up and now Because I did an episode of curb Where my running board of my car Was broken And we were on a date

and by the time we pulled up in front of my apartment, he was like, do you want to go up? And I was like, no, I'm good. So that's like a long time to chat with someone in between fake orgasms, four hours, just going around and around. And he's hilarious that he's a crank. Yeah.

What an amazing achievement to make, I don't feel like talking to people, and sometimes I'm in a bad mood, your delightful brand because he can just walk out any room he wants at any time and everyone's like classic Larry yes

brilliant what a genius and to take everything insane he's ever done and make an incredible piece of television out of it I mean he he really did famously storm out of Saturday Night Live

which absolutely everybody has at one point or another wanted to do and several people have but where he like threw his pages and stormed out he famously tells The story was one of the things we talked about. We were driving around the block.

Have you ever quit a job? No, I'm the worst. I just... Put up with abuse. Just take it on and have a lot of extra therapies. I had to quit one once. You did? Because of a curmudgeon.

Okay. Go on. Who absolutely hated me. And every time I told him I loved him, it made him hate me more. And you have had him on this show. And he fucking loathes me. And I was lovely to him. I worshipped the guy. I would have combed his hair if he asked me to.

And he's been on this show. He has, goddamn it. And he's curmudgeonly. One of his most iconic characters is an incredibly curmudginy person. You know what I'm talking about. I don't. Okay. Now, maybe we should leave it that way.

We'll leave it there for... That's where we'll leave it. Oh! Oh, you want the... No, I'll say it. Danny DeVito fucking hated me. And it was so bad that I had to quit. What happened?

It was unbelievable. I don't want to tell the story, but it was unbelievable. Look, he had just gotten sober and gone vegan at the same time. That's a mistake. Too many changes. It's too many changes. Too many changes. It was.

I can't give an alcohol and meat protein. You got to have a Big Mac and a beer. He cursed me. out one day, so bad. I said there was a line, we're doing this play, and we were in rehearsals, and there was a line where I say, you know, you could go to the actors' home in New Brunswick is the line. I don't know if you guys know what play that is, and I'm not going to tell you, but anyway, and I said, in rehearsal, you know, I said, well, there's the actors home in New Brunswick, and he said, wait a second.

is there a question mark at the end of that line and I said well no then why do you say it like a question I said I don't know just in rehearsal and he said say the fucking line and that was after a long string of abuse and I thought

and my wife was pregnant with my first child and I had like all this insecure I was like freaking out and I was like I sent I need a break and I went outside and I called my dad and my dad was a New York City mailman

worked his ass off had to be at work at 2 a.m. every morning for 30 years and he was always the guy that was like take the money and don't complain about anything so I knew and I called him and he was like you quit he was so upset and then I told him the story

and he said good for you son don't take shit from anybody and I went back in and I said I'm sorry but this is not for me and I'll never forget he was sitting on a bed and he got up which wasn't much of a change

and he looked at me and he said the fuck and I said I can't make you happy man fucking nasty you hate me cursing me out in front of everybody I'm fucking saying the line what the fuck yeah

broke my heart really truly yeah but you did the right thing you did the right thing I would have cried too but you did the right thing I did the right thing yeah yeah really you did Yeah. Thank you.

Because, by the way, too, it's eight a week. It's rehearsal. Like, that's not going to get better. And look, he's probably a lovely guy. He was going through a very difficult time. Yeah, I kind of wanted to be a reconciliation. And I just want to say that, although no one, if this ever gets out, no one's going to see this part where I say. Yeah, no one's going to include the power of your nuance. I have compassion for the curmudgeon.

And I'll tell you why. No doubt Fran Leibowitz's incontinent. No doubt. And if you were walking around. around with a giant shit between your ass cheeks all the wall. 80% of these people have IBS. That is true.

It just goes with the territory. Right. There's a reason they call it a sour stomach. Before we go to break, if you're not sure what to get your friends or family this year, you can skimp the socks and you can give them a friend of the pod subscription

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slash friends. We're going to be rolling out more content for subscribers. We are really proud of the community we've built so far and it really helps us grow crooked media and reach more people. So thank you. Thank you for becoming a subscriber. Plus, check out our season finale of Bravo America featuring Holly Madison from the girls next door. Holly talks about being the star of a reality show and being a symbol of the Playboy fantasy on television while feeling like an object when the camera's turned off. She opens up about what it has been like telling her story on her own terms and she even shares some potential political aspirations. It was one of my favorite interviews. She's a fascinating person who has been through a lot and through a lot of

cultural change in which she was honestly treated like shit and came out the other side. I really appreciated the conversation. I think you will too. So please check it out on YouTube or wherever you get your podcast. I am now joined by my writers, Hallie Kiefer. Oh, hello. Sarah Lazarus for the second official, love it or leave it, sandwich of justice. We should have like a sound effect. Sandwich of justice. While writing our November 1st episode, I bet Sarah Lazarus is a sandwich, a sandwich of her choosing that a joke I really believed in would, in fact, get laughs during the live show. Lazarus said it would not.

And listener, you're not going to believe this. She was right. But I am mad at my word, especially if those words are, God damn it, I have to buy Sarah Lazarus a fucking sandwich. So, Lazarus, how are you feeling about your well-deserved win? I'd like to say that I take no pleasure in being right, but that would be a lot. Yeah, you got to be honest. This is a space of honesty and justice and reconciliation. I take pleasure in being right.

I take pleasure in eating a sandwich. Two great taste. It tastes great together. Now, this is our second sandwich. The first sandwich went to Hallie. Yes, it was one of our YouTube videos, in case you want to go check it out, where we sort of get into the weeds about joke writing. And I want to be clear, these are always Love It making a bet with us. The people he hires to write funny jokes for him, he says, I bet you this is going to work.

And we say, okay. And obviously, the loser has to buy a sandwich. In that case, Lovett was incorrect again. and I received a sandwich of my choosing. And it was, I think this is a great way. I mean, you could also listen to us when I tell you this. But I like this better because in that situation, I don't get a sandwich. Well, this is a great way, this is a great way to agree to disagree because we have a lot of conversations about which jokes work and which don't.

And I will defer, I'll like be persuaded. But once in a while, there's something kooky and strange. Sometimes it's long. Sometimes I want to fight for a long story joke. And we're going to listen to it. And we'll see how long it is. And they have work. Like, they do work.

Absolutely, yes. They will. But the one that I biffed on with you was a pretty confusing story about a Swiss financier trying to get a chocolate business going despite tariffs. And even as I say that, of course, it didn't work. It was you calling them to let them know the business would not be moving forward. And also you were yourself, which I also think made an extra layer of confusion about what was going on. Yes, yes, absolutely. But you have to swing big if you want to hit those homers. I mean, I am laughing now.

Yeah, that's true. Yes. The joke, talking about the joke has been funnier than the joke. Yes. Another great sign. So we're going to revisit the unedited footage of the joke bombing. Did we cut it from the show? Or did we leave it?

What? We cleaned it up, including the most, okay, we're calling it shameful. It's shameful part of the entire saga when I tried to rig the audience reaction in my favor ahead of time. Instead, I just ended up humiliated, just like Pete Hegg said. in this joke. You know what? Let's listen to the clip and you can judge for yourself. What are we going to say? I was going to say, stop the steal. There's a joke coming up later that's really going to require you to believe. And I'm not going to tell you what it is. I'm not, I'm just letting them know that it's coming,

all right? And so far, I'm worried. I'm worried, given where we're at right now, that I'm not going to have you when we get there. And the problem is, I bet someone at the office, a sandwich, that it will work. Now, this, what I've just done truthfully, what's cool is it won't, this is happening now. When we get to that joke later, it won't matter. It will work or it won't. It will live or it will die. But then we will remember what I said here. And we will circle back to it to see if my energy about you, we'll see. Speaking of presidencies dragged down by their own violent lawlessness in Latin America, on Monday, Pete Hegseth announced that 14 people were killed in strikes against several boats off the coast of Mexico, the deadliest

attack in Trump's ongoing campaign against alleged drug traffickers in the Pacific and the Caribbean. Shall we toast to a job well done, said Pete Heggseth to a four-star admiral who has a recurring dream about making Hexeth cry because Hexeth keeps falling off his tricycle and spilling eggs everywhere. Now here's the question. I'm going to, you can say yes, and you can say no, and I want you to be honest. Did the person who bet me that that joke would fail, were they correct? Yes.

Or no? She gets a sandwich. Let's face it. Let's face it. Fuck. Here's something that I learned from watching this. On stage, I thought it was closer. Watching the video, that joke bombed.

And then you just keep mugging. Yeah, you got a, you're mugged, you're mug crazy. I, well, that was, so I, so I want to make two points in my own defense, which is, one, I genuinely believe that what I said in the, before the joke, which was a few minutes before the joke, did not, could not have tipped it in my favor. I do not think if it worked, it would have been because I had prepared them, because they couldn't have known what joke I was talking about until it was over after they'd already left or not.

So as much as I am being shamed for claiming to put my thumb on the scales, I don't think my, I think I was putting my thumb on something. I didn't get anywhere close to the scale. And I think that's what makes it shameful is that if it had worked, I would say we'll tip my hat to that. Because it would have made it work. Exactly. That it worked. That would have been comedy. Exactly. And the fact that you put your thumb on again, where you ever it went, then it just didn't move the needle. And yes, I did mug a fair amount after. But that was in part to try to get a laugh because the joke was dead. But to get a laugh based on, again, the preview of the mugger. the joke. And I think that you did. I think that it ended up being a fun moment, even if the joke itself did not work. And we did want to talk about why the joke didn't work, because I had one reason. You had another one. My reason. Well, here's what I would say is the lead up is so, the setup is so long, you need a quick punchline. Once you start that long run, it's just, it's long on long. And it either has to be short and long, short, short, or long short. And I think unfortunately, the whole thing was too long. And then what was your reason? Well, there are a couple I thought of another one while watching it.

I think deadly boat strikes, hard to set up a whimsical joke based on deadly boat strikes. Yeah, a lot of that this year, I would say. Then you also start with Pete Heggsah saying something, but then you go into the mind of someone else. And I think that's a hard jump to take people on. Yeah. Was there a third reason? I mean, I'm sure there are many more. Yeah, so looking, I think that the biggest and most important reason was the topic.

It was just really hard. Now, we had a joke that did work a while ago. I don't know how long ago. It was about a recurring dream Mike Pence has. And I, as a point of pride, believe it is important if you are going to make up a joke dream. Yes. We do quite a bit, I feel like. We do the right amount, I would say.

And it is my genuine philosophical belief that if you're going to make up a joke, you cannot do joke tropes. You can't do naked in school. You have to make it. See, this is maybe where we are parting ways. I believe it has to be something that could genuinely be an unexpected dream. So I believe Mike Pence's dream involved his wife dressed up as Abraham Lincoln while he was trying to get out of a bird cage. And to me, if I- That's funny. I like that's-but I don't think we land on it.

Because you were all fighting me about like, what are the eggs? Why are there eggs? I was fighting with specifically on the tricycle. That's where I was like. Oh, I was fighting all of it. I just think the whole premise was so confusing that we needed something to ground it to make people go, oh, it's a dream. Yes, versus like, and then his teeth were falling out. Like, I feel like they're...

See, you said that at that. And I was like, no, everyone's teeth fall out. Yeah, to be clear, we never want a joke to fail. We pitched dozens of bolts. This is our job. This is how we have health insurance. We want the show to succeed. We want this to be wildly successful.

We're not telling you this just to stop on your dreams. And I'm grateful. This is where... This is the debate. This is the beautiful. Look, we've said this before, but I genuinely think that there is a magic between the three strange aspects of our personality.

The kind of, like, the way that Lazarus chis chisels a joke. like Michelangelo where like she starts at the hand and just generates a perfect hand. That's true. And then the way you take a bucket of slop and throw it up against the wall. I'm an improviser. What can I say? My God, look at that. That looks like a house to me. Look at these little strains of spaghetti

we can pull out of here and eat. And there's something in that. That's like a, that's a beautiful, a beautiful complimentary thing. But sometimes I say, I know better. And then I get a sandwich. And Sarah gets a sandwich. So I think it's time now. to bring in the the ceremonial sandwich of justice.

Here comes Kennedy with a sandwich. It's a kind of processional of the sandwich. Wow, look at this. So I, oh, I hated that. But like, I think, so here's what we have now. I think what I'm looking at here is a tofu bon me. Is that what we're talking about? That's right.

It's the vegan bond meat from Endocino Farms. Wow. Oh, great. Now, I have long been of, I believe that this happens. I think people should be eating it on camera, but I have been vetoed in that belief. Yeah, I don't do that for free. No, and I wouldn't be clear, nor should you.

Well, I'm grateful to the both of you for your incredible writing. Thank you for hiring us to do this, the only skill I have, which is writing jokes. So it's just a treat to be able to do that. Thank you for that and for the sandwich. And especially the sandwich. I genuinely love our Thursday sprint, which we call a sprint, which is really much more of a marathon at this point. Emotionally. Where we go through.

Where we go through all the jokes and we try to figure out how to talk about the week's news, even when the news is dark, to find a way to make it funny. And what I also love most about that is, like, we talk about not just the math of jokes, but the ethics of jokes and, like, with a point we're trying to make. And it really is, like, one of my favorite things I get to do in a show I love making with this incredible team that is in here sitting behind you. How fun we get to make a live comedy show every single week for our jobs. So thank you both.

You're welcome. And I will say, well, every week, I'm like, I don't know if I could do this ever again. I don't know how I would have gotten through this year not being able to write jokes about what is happening. Like, I feel like that is the function of the show for so many people, both who work on it and the listener, that it is like, thank God. You know what I mean? Thank God we have jokes. And one sandwich. And one sandwich. Two sandwiches now at this point. Hell yeah. Hallie, Sarah, the whole lowly team. Thank you. Happy holidays. Happy New Year. And we will see you in 2026. Oh, boy. If you're already scrolling endlessly, which we know you are, don't forget to follow us at Crooked Media on Instagram, TikTok, and all the other ones for original content, community events, and more. You can also find Love It or Leave It on YouTube for videos of your favorite segments and other YouTube exclusive content.

And if you want to type our praises or rip us a new one, consider dropping us a review. Finally, you can join Crooked's Friends of the Pod subscription community for ad-free love it or leave it and Pod Save America. episode, subscriber exclusive pods, and more, sign up at crooked.com slash friends. Lover Leave it is a crooked media production. It is written and produced by me, John Lovett, and Lee Eisenberg. Kendra James is our executive producer. Bill McGrath is our producer, and Kennedy Hill is our associate producer. Hallie Kiefer is our head writer.

Sarah Lazarus, Jocelyn Koff, and Peter Miller, Alan Pierre, and Suba Argoal are our writers. Jordan Cantor is our editor, Kyle Segglin, and Charlotte Landis provide audio support. Stephen Colon is our audio engineer. Our theme song is written and performed by Sure, sure. Thanks to our designer Sammy Coderna Rees for creating and running all of our visuals, which you can't see, because this is a podcast, and thanks to our digital producers, David Tolls, Claudia Shang, Mia Kelman, Belan Villanueva, and Rachel Gaieski for filming and editing video each week. Our head of production is Matt DeGroat, and our production staff is proudly unionized with the Writers Guild of America East. It's love it, or leave it.