Lovett or Leave It - Where There's Smoke There's Fire Comey

Episode Date: May 13, 2017

What a week. Comey, the fallout of several bonkers Trump interviews, Spicer's embarrassing briefing, and more with Kumail Nanjiani, Lauren Lapkus, and Gareth Reynolds.

🎵 Hey guys! I see a friend of the pod. I see a pod save America. I see a friend of the pod I see a pod save America I see a friend of the pod I'd like to point them out I see several more that I'm not going to identify Thank you guys for being here Let me bring out our panel because we've got

We've got a murderer's row He stars in Silicon Valley And in Judd Apatow's upcoming movie, The Big Sick, Kumail Nanjiani. She's an actress and comedian who can currently be seen on HBO's Crashing, Lauren Lapkus. And he's the co-host of the bi-weekly

American history podcast, The Dollop, Gareth Reynolds. Thank you for being here. Is this good? This is great. All right, well, you know what? Let's get into it, guys. Not a lot happened this week, so it's a bit of a slow week in the news.

Holy shit! We are off the rails. Before we get into it, I did want to just sort of run through the timeline, because I think it's important. Eleven days before the election, James Comey announces a renewed investigation into emails. Yay! Wait, no. Fuck. You know what? Listen.

We should all... You should wait till the end, because Comey, you're going to go back and forth on him. Yeah, when this movie gets made, they're going to have to get a great actor to play Comey because he has to do so many different things. And the thing is, Comey is six foot eight and most of the actors are too short. The typical guys you'd go to. Yeah. That's why I feel like he's a Republican and a Democrat, like a tiny Republican and a tiny Democrat stuffed in one big guy suit.

Because he doesn't have the face of a giant. Yeah. No, he doesn't. He has like a six-year-old's face. I didn't know he was 6'8". Yeah. I'm in now. Yeah, yeah.

I'm tall. Yeah. It is such bullshit. It has been so long since being 6'8 was like evolutionarily advantageous. Yeah. Yet here we are. We all just kind of trust him.

We still do, right? He's so tall. How could you not trust him? You know, whenever I hear Comey's name, it's always like, what the fuck now? But I always think of, the first thing I see is Trump doing that pulling handshake to Comey. That's the first thing I always see, because that's a great clip.

And he's 6'8, and Trump is like full of meatloaf. How does he get like that sort of like momentum so fast? It's the symbiote that's inside him that has the power. That's right. That makes sense. So he sends the letter. We're on step one.

That was step one. Trump says it took guts. November 8th, Hillary Clinton almost wins. So fucking close, guys. I know, it sucks. Only matters in horseshoes and hand grenades. After the inauguration, to Kamau's point,

Trump hugs Comey at the White House. March 2nd, Sessions recuses himself. March 22nd, Comey confirms to Congress that the FBI is investigating Russian interference. May 2nd, Comey says he feels, quote, mildly nauseous that his email announcement may have affected the race. Poor baby.

Yeah, we're all shitting our pants over here. Kill for mild nauseous, you know? It's kind of fun to hear it back, though. It's like when Facebook does your year in review. It's like, I had some laughs. It was a good time. Oh, yeah. That happened, too.

Oh, that's right. We've lived, like, ten years in two months. Yeah. I mean, just a week ago, we were saying, Comey's testimony, I'm kind of on the fence about it. And now, now he's just a guy. Now he's just out there. He's loose.

Now he's just 6'8". Now he's just tall guy. Now he's just out there. He's loose. Now he's just 6'8". Now he's just tall in the real world. Yeah. So which brings us to this week, May 9th. Trump fires Comey. Several reasons have been offered. The Deputy Attorney General and the recused Attorney General recommended that he be fired.

Trump also said that James Comey is a showboater, which is fucking hilarious. Like, I don't even know what a showboat is, but in human form. Like, what is a showboater, which is fucking hilarious. Like, I don't even know what a showboat is, but in human form... Like, what is a showboat? Is it, like, a nice boat? He's tall, he's showing off. Fuck him!

I've never thought, what is an actual showboat? Never thought about it until this moment. Didn't prepare on it. It's like a gorgeous boat. I think it's a... It's just gonna be a boat

at a boat show, right? But presumably, it has to have some deficiencies. It has to have some deficiencies because it's for show, right? But presumably it has to have some deficiencies It has to have some deficiencies Because it's for show But you can't use it to fish It does have totally negative connotations No one's ever like, that guy's great

He's a showboat Perfect looking Was there a time I met this gorgeous girl, real showboat She can't move, but man. It just makes me think that there was a time when there were people fooling each other with boats that weren't as good as they seemed.

Yeah. Yeah, what would that be? Would there be like a pillar going from the bottom of the boat to the bottom of the floor of the ocean? Like it can't actually float? That's just an island. A showboat is just a small island. Well, I'm glad we solved that so easily.

So, we've got a bunch of different reasons for Trump being fired. Sarah Huckabee Sanders. Sorry, we wish Trump was fired. Comey got fired. By the way, you said Trump got fired. Trump got fired. Why does Sarah Huckabee Sanders... It's like someone mad-lipped a politician name together

Yes It would be nice if there was a little bit more Sanders to the Huckabee Because it's Sarah Palin Mike Huckabee and Bernie Sanders Became a person Right But really takes after the Huckabee of it all

Very big on the Huckabee part I just picture it being Mike Huckabee killing a bucket of fried chicken in an SUV. Like Kentucky Fried Chicken. Just watching his daughter kind of survive a briefing. What, is that his daughter? Yes. Oh.

I didn't know that either. Do people, you know what? Do you guys not know that? Hey, there's so much going on. Sarah Huckabee Sanders is Mike Huckabee's daughter. Sarah Sanders Huckabee? Sarah Huckabee Sanders. She married Bernie Sanders.

That's right. That's what it is. So here we are. James Comey has been fired. We were quite frustrated with him nary a week ago. How do we feel about him now? I love him. I think he's a week ago. How do we feel about him now? I love him. I think he's a showboat.

I miss him. Now we miss him. We didn't know. I mean, that is what is so amazing about what is happening is how you just never know what's going to happen, but now you're like,

God damn it, he was a good guy. So I think Democrats have been conflicted on James Comey for quite some time. And I think that there were sort of two general camps. There was the camp of, I can't help it, I think he's a decent guy. But he really fucked up with that letter. And he maybe didn't see the forest for the trees. And he made a mistake. And he convinced himself after the fact that it was okay.

And then there was this other camp of the kind of fire Comey types. And that was some people believing that legitimately and some people being political about it. But I think it's pretty clear now that we miss James Comey. We really wish he was back in there. Because as much as we were frustrated by James Comey, the border wall and a suit that Donald Trump is going to put in charge of the FBI

is not great. But who wants that job? Who would take that job? Like, who's gonna, who would take that job? Rudy Giuliani. Chris Christie. That Fox News surveillance dude. Bo Dietl. Well, but then everybody working

for him is gonna be against him. Or her. Yeah, right. By the way, you guys are applauding because you think Lauren means that Trump won't appoint a woman but Lauren doesn't believe a woman can do the job She can't Whoever she is, she can't Comedy's about truth, you guys So one other question

I had about this too is it's really hard, I think, to measure out what's malevolent versus what's incompetent. I feel like this week is a pretty solid 50-50. Yeah. Yeah, that's right. Because it doesn't feel like this decision to fire Comey was strategic.

It feels like it was made angrily and without consultation. Because everyone was sort of taken aback. His people were taken aback by it. So that actually gives me hope. Yeah, once again, we're a bit spared by the incompetence making the malevolence a little bit less effective.

I don't believe that Trump has good intentions with anything. I also think he's an idiot. It's just like it is both of those things no matter what he's doing. He's just a bad, dumb guy. He's always malevolent and incompetent. It feels like it always starts out with being malevolent

and then they don't know how to deal with the stir they've caused and then it's incompetence. It's like when someone jumps into a pool at a party with all their clothes on. It's like, great move! And then you're like, fuck, my night. I don't know. Yeah, I gotta get a new phone god damn it

it is actually like Skeletor where he's got like big evil ideas but then at the end of 22 minutes he's like I don't know what I'm doing I got a fucking giant like mosquito working for me I need a better team. Well, like Skeletor,

Trump often takes out his mistakes on his team. Yep. So to that point, the Washington Post issued, I think, one of the greatest corrections of all time. Now, did you see this story? I am... It never stops amazing me

how fucking on top of the news you people are. So anyway, the best correction in the history of the Washington Post, which is a story that claimed that Sean Spicer was briefing the Bush from inside the Bushes was later corrected to say that

he was briefing the press alongside the Bushes. But it all amounts to a scared, angry man realizing that a group of reporters are waiting for him by the Bushes at night at his job. So he's, I would say, Sean Spicer is Beastman. He's like, I shouldn't be giving briefings.

I'm half Beast. It's a miracle I shouldn't be giving briefings. I'm half beast. It's a miracle I remember to eat every day. What's the name of the little dog creature that's on He-Man's side? Orko? Yes. Yeah. So is that Tim Kaine?

Yes, definitely Tim Kaine. Tim Kaine is Orko. Is thataine is Orko. Is that bad for Orko? Why is that so sad? It's cute. So some last minute developments today. Report in the New York Times that Comey declined to pledge his loyalty to Donald Trump during a dinner at the White House.

Donald Trump then tweets... Now, this is obviously being leaked by the Comey people. And so Donald Trump then tweets, James Comey better hope that there are no, quote, tapes of our conversation before he starts leaking to the press, exclamation point. So Donald Trump is, without saying, insinuating that he recorded his dinner with James Comey, and he's using that as

a threat against James Comey. Seems like that. Yeah. I have a question. Isn't it Comey's job not to be loyal to whoever it is? Like, that's supposed to be like that? Oh, yeah. Okay, just wanted to make sure I know what's going on. No, for sure. It's a super inappropriate question. I have

to go. But then Donald Trump said, I didn't ask him about the loyalty, but if I had, that would have been an appropriate question. Because I was talking about loyalty to the country. Yeah, it's like when OJ wrote the book, If I Murdered.

The idea that Donald Trump, in conversation with James Comey, said, I just have one question. You loyal to America? Give me a fucking break. Donald Trump talks about Donald Trump in conversation with James Comey said, I just have one question. You loyal to America? Give me a fucking break. Donald Trump talks about Donald Trump at dinner. Melania sits quietly and he says whatever the fuck.

I also just think it's hilarious to threaten James Comey with recording him. Who do you think wins in how that tape sounds? You have Donald Trump who is an overflowing word toilet. And you have James Comey, which if you recorded James Comey for 24 hours a day, what would emerge is the Federalist Papers.

He is completely fucking insufferable. Also, you can imagine Trump's operation of recording would not be like having anyone help him out. He'd just take like a cassette recorder and like tape it around his chest. He would have like a giant flower. Yeah, and it'd be like... With like a mic booking out of it.

Just sitting between his sweaty breasts as he like pounds cake. Is it... I think it was really nice to call them breasts. Well... I don't want to be rude. I will say I saw a clip when he was in the hearing, Comey asking to go to the bathroom

and it made me fall in love with him. Was he like, can I go to the bathroom? Would it have been legal for Donald Trump to record him without telling him? I did get a good LSAT score and I can tell you Would it have been legal for Donald Trump to record him without telling him? I did get a good LSAT score, and I can tell you that it is legal. Oh, good. But I don't know. Oh, good.

It might be. I believe D.C. is a one-party state. Anybody here a lawyer? It is. Boom. You know what? Wisdom of the crowd. Not in Florida.

So Mar-a-Lago, not allowed. So Mar-a-Lago, not allowed. So Mar-a-Lago, can't hit record. Oh, that's why he likes to go there. There are plenty of recording devices all over Mar-a-Lago. There's a lot of, excuse me, sir, would you like more soup?

I am happy American waiter. I come here. Originally from Boca Raton, yes. Right down the road, yes. Have you seen the... Alright. I come here. Originally from Boca Raton. Yes, exactly. Yes, right down the road. Yes. Have you seen the... All right, I'm done. I do want to say,

I feel bad for like, I do feel bad for the Russian people because they're victims too. I feel like, you know what I mean? I feel like, sort of now people always say like, you know, the Russians, the Russians.

It's not really the Russians. It's the current Russian government. Yes. I was talking about this earlier. They're throwing chemicals on journalists' faces and dyeing their faces green and stuff. It's a real horror show. Yeah.

Look, it's really serious and it's a reminder that the kind of people that are trying to influence our election and undermine our country, they don't have their own people's best interests at heart and I think there's generally a consensus that Vladimir Putin knows that Russia is an

oil state. It's a fascistic oil state and they know that they can't compete with us, but they can drag us down. And the hardest part about all this is, whatever happens with Donald Trump, we've got to face the fact that Putin scored a big victory. He has

undermined our government. It worked. It worked. The fake news fucking worked. Yep. And coming back from that, it's not just about Trump, because Trump, little things I've said this before but little things made Trump possible but big big, big forces

opened the door so Well I'm really sad now Should we have a shot or what's going on? It's so dark Well it is because with the fake news thing the issue is we're not trained really. I feel like I grew up without the Internet and then I got the Internet at some point.

And, you know, if you read something that's like printed on a piece of paper, we're trained to believe like, all right, there is some credibility to this. It's gone through some sort of process. And then with websites and stuff, it looks so similar. It doesn't look like the scratchings of a madman. It looks like it's typed out and there's very few spelling errors. And it's on, like, you know, it looks legit.

So we don't know how to discern fake sources from real sources. We haven't been taught the skills. I mean, 12-point Times New Roman with quotes in it looks the same on Breitbart as it looks on the New York Times. And the onion. taught the skills. I mean, 12-point Times New Roman with quotes in it looks the same on Breitbart as it looks on the New York Times. And the onion.

And the onion. We started fake news. Onion is responsible for this. Onion Stink, one of Skeletor's minions, was named Stinkor. That's true. He was a half-skunk human being person. It all is one thing.

We're fucked. I'm feeling very good about the balance between substance and humor tonight. Which is something we do strive for. Here at Love It or Leave It. I think we covered it. I feel good about it. I don't know what else there is to say.

Rosenstein said today that there's not going to be a special prosecutor, so he's a stand-up guy. Know what's going on with there. Marco Rubio turned into a bug and flew away when asked about it. Rubio, man. I have never, I mean, in all my life,

there has never been someone who looks so sad to know exactly what he is. That guy, he was asked, what do you think of the president's decision to fire James Comey and his response is that is a decision the president made which is not a comment that is not an opinion that does not qualify as an opinion no it's words but no meaning right it's the illusion of a comment it's it's like deja vu but for a comment. It's like deja vu but for a comment.

And Paul Ryan said, you know, look, the president has the right to do this. I don't read every tweet. I'm trying to cut taxes for millionaires to translate.

You know, we were talking about this for a second backstage, which is, you know, this week felt different. But even with Donald Trump talking to Lester Holt and saying,

oh, all those reasons I gave about firing Comey, they're bullshit. I was going to fire him no matter what. This Russia thing, it's kind of bullshit. Like, he is coming so close

to the thing that we need from him. Yeah. But we'll know. I think, I think what we need to do is be like, great news.

We've gotten you a TV show for 12 hours. Every channel in the country, there's going to be a camera on you. You just talk for 12 hours. We just want to hear your thoughts, what you have to say. Okay. At the end of that day, he's going to reveal everything to us. It's going to be so great.

He just wants to be on TV. He just needs a live feed. But the amount of gas we'd have to sit through from him. I know, but I would make that sacrifice. Yeah, there is actually an upside, too. And that's the week. When we come back, OK Stop. And we're back.

This is a segment we call OK Stop. Here's how it works. We watch a clip. We pause it as we go. We comment. And that's really all there is to it. OK. Now, we're going back to basics.

Sean Spicer gave a briefing today. And it was extraordinary. And so we had to slot it in. How does he continue to do it? I think that he had to kill something very important to who he was. And it's the kind of thing where

once something is gone, you don't feel it. But he feels different overall. But isn't it weird that he vanished for two days after he got caught in the bushes? Well, he was on naval reserve duty, but what I actually believe... Yeah, but that's what you say when a guy's like, I can't get out of a bush!

Like, cover the bush with a blanket, say he's on a naval ship. I do think that people did spot a man who looked like Sean Spicer in a mustache at a Chuck E. Cheese, just lying in the ball pit, whimpering. So our kids throw up in there.

I know. I know. I think they locked him in a room with cutouts of reporters and he yelled at them for two days being like, this is going great. I bet he definitely wished

on a monkey's point and was like, I want to be one of the most famous people in the world. And they're like, all right, your wish comes true, but your shoes won't match. That was amazing, too.

It's so amazing. What is he, Plunky Brewster? What's happening to him? So many people tweeted at me like, it's a boot. He's wearing a boot for his foot or whatever. I was like, his fucking feet don't match. He's a mess. He's falling apart. He is a man in crisis.

I think he looks like an angry hot dog in a suit. Like, boiling! Let's roll the clip. Good afternoon. It's good to be back with you. Ew. Apparently I was a little missed. Did President Trump record his conversations

with former FDI director Comey? I assume you're referring to the tweet and I've talked to the president The president has nothing further to add on that Why did he say that? Okay stop How can he be so bad and have that many Fucking papers on a podium? There's so many

It just says all work and no play Makes Sean a dull boy Over and over Left shoe red, right shoe red. Come on, Sean! What should we interpret from that? As I mentioned, the president has nothing further to add on that.

Are there recording devices in the Oval Office or in the residence? As I said for the third time, there is nothing further to add on that. Okay, stop. The audacity of this man to act put out by a follow-up question that he has refused to answer.

Is the president secretly recording people in the Oval Office, which he claimed to do in a tweet as a threat to the FBI director? The idea that you could make your face do that. Ah, there you go again. Classic, classic gotcha journalism. The last time a president recorded people,

it led to the biggest scandal of the modern era, and that president had to retire and resign, and it has a lot of similarities to what happened then now, and everybody's talking about it, and you're going to bring it up here in the White House briefing room? I don't understand journalists today. But I guess there you're gonna go. Yeah.

Asking me about this. Yeah, here we go again. The relevant topic at hand. Oh, look at you. All your shoes match. I can't trust any of you. It's also so hard to listen and be condescending. And yet they're able to pull it off.

They're always like, oh, here we go. What an idiot. Does he think it's appropriate to threaten someone like Mr. Comey not to speak? I don't think that's not a threat. He's simply stated a fact. The tweet speaks for itself. I'm moving on. Okay, stop.

I happen to have the tweet here. I want you to tell me if this sounds like a threat to you or just some facts in order. Tell me when the fact comes in. James Comey better hope that there are no tapes. Well, tapes isn't quotes. Is that right? But the fact is the hoping, right?

It is a fact to Sean Spicer that James Comey better hope that there not be tapes. That's just a fact in Sean Spicer's mind. That's the fact. That's not a fact. I don't know what that is, grammatically. Past participle? Let's keep going.

Considering canceling the daily press briefings. I think he's a little dismayed, as well as a lot of people that- Okay, stop. What the fuck? Who cares how he feels? I hate that they're like, he's a little dismayed, as well as a lot of people. Okay, stop. What the fuck? Who cares how he feels? I hate that they're like, he's a little grumpy because of you guys. You guys are really poking at him about the illegalities he committed.

I mean, this is really a little unfair. Let the man sleep! Come out here and try to do everything we can to provide you and the American people with what he's doing on their behalf, what he's doing to keep the nation safe. I feel like he's just saying words forever until everyone just gives up and leaves or something. He's just like, and because of the thing, because we did that thing, and so that is why. That is the thing that we are doing. It's what it is because of who we are and he's dismayed.

I have a question for you, press people. How do you get your shoes to be the same? What sorcery are you employing? That would be great if there was a guy from a shoe magazine in there the next day. Cobblers quarterly. Andy Rice shoe matching monthly. Sean, what's going on? Yeah, because what's happening

is clearly he's putting on his left shoe. Before he gets to the right shoe, he's walking through his hell. He's walking through like seven layers of his personal hell by the time he gets to the right shoe in his head years have passed there's no way to verify what's on his left shoe

you have to remember though he does have to get dressed in the dark because every member of his family pretends to be asleep whenever he's home because they don't want to tell him how they thought the briefing went because they can't bear to lie to him again. You know when a friend of yours

makes a movie and you go see it and it's really horrible and then your life is just trying to avoid him for two weeks? That's his family. I thought you looked really handsome today, Sean. I love the way the vein in your forehead... It's getting really big, huh?

How is he balding and has a full head of hair at the same time? How is that possible? Grow jobs, and yet we see time and time again an attempt to parse every little word and make it more of a game of gotcha. Stop. That's what journalists do. Parse every word.

You want us to skip certain words? Read every second word he says. Do you think that this is his O-face? For the people at home who can't see, he's making an orgasm face. But, like, right at the moment it's starting. And all that comes out is, like, black dust. Yeah.

Like, ouch! Yeah. A little demon just scurries away and runs into the wall. And he just yells, I can't add anything further! I'm a little bit worried that my email to the White House press office inviting Sean to our DC show... Did you really? No, but I'm going to.

Here's the thing. I have been saying this for a year. I am Sean Spicer's friend. He is a friend that we have not met. But I am advocating for Sean when I have said, since last year, Sean, get in your car.

Turn it on. Drive. Drive until it runs out of gas. Get out of your car. Walk. Walk until there are trees. Start over. Pick a new name. Learn to work the land.

Find peace in the little things. Stew. Things you've grown. Root vegetables. No bushes. No bushes. Does anyone see Sean? He hates shrubbery, dude.

He's going to change his name. Hi, I'm Spice Seaner. He's going to have PTSD for people asking him questions. He's going to be at a restaurant and someone's going to say, do you want to hear the specials? And he'll be like, no, no, no. I don't want to hear the specials. I don't want the specials.

As I've said before, the tweet speaks for itself. Let's keep rolling. Really figure out what the policies are, why something's being pursued, or what the update is on this. And I think that's where there's a lot of dismay, and I don't think it's something that's just alone. Okay, stop. Dismay was his calendar word of the day word. Yeah, it was May, and he just read May, and he was like, dismay. He was like, dismay.

The president expects that the FBI investigation will be wrapped up with integrity. That's what the White House wants. Today, the president tweeted and called it a witch hunt. How does tweeting and calling it a witch hunt... Oh, stop. Integrity is actually the name of his favorite Russian prostitute. She'll do anything. ...investigation up with integrity. The president, you know, no one wants this done.

He wants to know very clearly. There's two pieces of this, right? Which is, what was Russia's involvement? Okay, pause. He looks, I think he's like, you know when it's, Robocop gets the readout of what to do, but his is malfunctioning. He's loose.

He's obviously very concerned about any entity's attempts to influence the United States' election. And that's one investigation. I think the second, this false narrative that we continue to fight every day that has been debunked by intelligence individuals, members of Congress who have been briefed over and over again, that's where I think he's growing. Pause. I have a theory that anybody who says the word individuals

is lying. I think that's true. Instead of like people, if you're like looking for a big word to replace a common word, you're a fucking liar. As well as a number of American people who are growingly concerned that there is this perpetuated false narrative

out there. That's, I think, the nut of this. The nut of this? It was his old face. The implicit threat to FBI, former FBI Director James Comey indicates that the president, in his words, is simply out of control. I'd like to get you to respond to that. Is he? That's frankly offensive. Oh my God! Yes. Oh my God! Yes!

Oh my God. In his head he was like, home run, slam dunk, nailed it. He was just going to say that whatever the next question was. He's like, I got my answer. It's an impossible job. I don't feel bad for Sean Spicer because Sean Spicer made a deal

and I think Reince Priebus made the same deal, which was they thought they were doing this for the right reasons, but a long time ago it was clear that they were doing something that was very wrong. And I think it is one of the great lessons, I think, of what we've seen in the last six months is do not count on the fact that there aren't people who will do anything. There are groups, there are people that will say anything.

Paul Ryan, I mean, what lengths would Paul Ryan not go to to deregulate the environment and cut taxes for millionaires? I mean, how much do we have to take before this guy turns? Yeah. Ryan's prebis definitely feels like a demon from hell who had, like, one minute to come up with a human-sounding name. And then Paul Ryan was right behind him

and was like, I got this. Paul Ryan. Damn it! What did you go with? Rance Prebis. I had nothing. I don't know. Rance Prebis.

He was just like, Rance Prebis. Great. I don't know how to spell that, but... Rance Preribis. You summon him if you say his name three times in the mirror. Do it again. Huh? Do it again.

Rez. Thank you. Rez. Rez. What a fucking... When we come back... A segment we call Too Trump to be True. And we're back.

Kumail, Lauren, Gareth, under your chairs is a card. Two of the cards have a real Trump quote on it. One of the cards has a fake Trump quote on it. Now, before we begin the game, I will say this, and we have done several versions of this game,

and I have lied every single time. 100% of the times we versions of this game, and I have lied every single time. 100% of the times we have played this game, all the quotes have been true. This time, because the last time we played, the person who played didn't want to play because she knew it was bullshit, we're now playing for real. One of the quotes isn't true.

One of the quotes is something I wrote. Two of playing for real. One of the quotes isn't true. One of the quotes is something I wrote. Two of them are real. Would somebody like to play a game? Oh, you went up so fast, and you're a friend of the pod. What's your name? Ian. Ian, come up here. Ian.

Hi, Ian. Hi. Where are you from? Hi. You're from here? Oh, yeah. I'm from Portland originally, but I live and work in Los Angeles. Thank you for playing.

I like your shirt. Thank you. It's a Friend of the Pod shirt. Yes. Yes, it is. If you want to play the game, a good idea would be to show up in the merch I sell for money. So you're a smart guy.

I think so. Are you following the news closely? Yes. Very closely? Yes. Very closely? Yes. Okay, so Donald Trump gave several interviews this week to Time, NBC, and The Economist. The interviews were crazy.

They were more crazy than usual. Two of these quotes are from those interviews. One of them is not. Kumail, kick us off. All right. I'm Donald Trump. That's not the quote. I wouldn't

be surprised if he started every sentence with I'm Donald Trump. I said, what is this? Sir, this is our digital catapult system. He said, well, we're going to this because we wanted to keep up with modern technology. I said, you don't use Steam anymore for Catapult?

No, sir. I said, it sounded bad to me. Digital? They have digital? What is digital? And it's very complicated. You have to be Albert Einstein to figure it out. And I said, what system are you going to be? Sir, we're staying with digital.

I said, no, you're not. You're going to goddamn Steam. Ian, I want you to wait till the end. And listen, I see how you people are on your phones on Twitter all day. I see how you people keep up with the news. If Ian doesn't know, I don't want you to help him yet. All right? Let's let Ian play for real.

Okay? You're doing great. Everybody's doing great. Ian, how do you feel? I feel confident. Wow. It's doing great. Ian, how do you feel? I feel confident. Wow. It's a little early, Ian. Lauren, you're...

Well, don't... If you're not going to believe in yourself, who's going to believe in you? Turned it on you. Lauren, you're up. Okay, I'm Donald Trump. It won't increase it for long. You understand the expression prime the pump?

We have to prime the pump. Have you heard that expression used before? Because I haven't heard it. I mean, I just, I came up with it a couple days ago, and I thought it was good. Ian, some of them aren't going to be that hard. Um, yeah. I subscribe to The Economist.

Oh, my goodness. Ian, you're a real showboat. Um... You got burned. You got burned. I did. Crispy. Extra crispy. Gareth, you're up. My name is Donald Trump.

I was talking to one of my generals. He says to me, Mr. President, Obama hurt us. He hurt us. Very serious. Low morale. A very dangerous thing for military. Low morale. These are killers, okay?

These guys, you are glad to know. They're there. Believe me. You don't want to know. The generals sit down and tell me, our soldiers, they're fighting twice as hard now, like never before. It's incredible. It is. I'm pretty sure this is a segment called,

I think I can write great Trump quotes. Ian, you've heard the quotes. We have something about a catapult. We have something about a catapult. We have something about priming the pump. We have something about low morale in the military. Which one is the fake Trump quote? So I actually, I recognize the first two. So my guess would be the third one.

Because I trust you to, I don't trust you to not lie, but I trust you to not lie about not lying. So I'm going to say number three. You've done it. You've won the game. Ian, thank you for playing. You will be receiving a $100 gift card to a store called Parachute where you can buy towels, you can buy sheets. There's a lot of ad copy about it, but Jon Favreau reads the copy, so I don't know anything about the stuff.

But they seem pretty great. Thank you for playing. Thank you. Alright. This is a game called Survey Says. Also called Fair Use Feud. Probably. Quinnipiac did a poll this week

and they asked American people to say the first word that comes to their mind when they think of Donald Trump. Diaper. I have the ten in front of me. Would you guys like to play the feud? Wait, you... Oh! I love you.

I love you. Can we talk to you backstage and look you in the eyes, or is that just hosting protocol on these shows that we're not allowed to? Yes, we can get very close backstage, and you can ask me about my life. You can put an arm on my shoulder. It can be the 70s.

The rules can change. Oh, boy. Let me tell you how this is going to work. I'm going to say, you guys are going to start calling things out. If you're right,

we're going to hear the good noise. If you're not, we're wrong. Let's go until we have three X's. Okay. And then we'll hear the list. Okay. So we're supposed to guess

the words. These are going to, you need to, this is, American people were asked to name the word they think of When they think of Donald Trump Real Americans?

Real Americans Okay Good to know Kumail Oh What's the word you think of When you think of Donald Trump? President?

That's a good one Oh my god I want you to know That I think that is so impressive Because I think the fact That when people are asked The first word that comes to their mind About Donald Trump the fact that the most one of the most common words is president is the best people are great Lauren you're up

dumb what who did they talk to the people who voted for Donald Trump so that's gonna be a technicality so we'reity. So I want to hear a good noise because they did say idiot. There we go. Okay, good. We're going to count it. Thank you. There's a subtlety

to the feud that we're appreciating for the first time on stage, frankly. It's tough because they don't... I guess I'll go with leader.

Oh my God. Holy crap. I'm blown away. This is going better than I thought it would. I didn't know how it was going to play out. I feel like I have to change my tactic. Yeah, you got it though. You got it though.

But they did say idiot, so there's something off. I got that one, but I feel like I'm here. He's American. Camille? Hair? No, that's one X. That's our first X. Okay, businessman.

It's okay. I am blown away by how you guys are crushing it. Businessman. I said it sarcastically. You learned. You know what? I want to talk about how Lauren,

in real time, adapted. Yeah, you saw me go one way, then I went another. It was like, whoa. Who are you? I don't know. I'm going to say money.

That's two strikes. Oh my God. So much pressure on me. I don't want to be the only one who fucked up twice. I didn't mean to do this. Come on, dude. Oh my God. So much pressure on me. I don't want to be the only one who fucked up twice. I didn't mean to do this. Come on, dude. I'm sorry.

I mean, can I consult with them? You can do whatever you want. What do you guys think? Could it be something like orange? Yeah. What do you think? Or like rich? Well, but he said money.

He would have counted it. Liar. Liar is good. Should we go liar? I like liar. If it it. He would have counted it. Liar. Liar is good. Liar is a good one. Should we go liar? I like liar. If it hits up there, I like liar. Liar.

Yeah. All right. There we go. Nailed it. All right. Okay. Nailed it. You guys, I want to see how far you guys can go down this list.

You guys are Russian. Okay. So what else do we have? Well, I was thinking of his family, but I don't know if people would think that first when they think of him. Oh, Ivanka, though, maybe. Russia? Maybe Russia. Russia would be good.

Russia's a good one. Let's do Russia. I like Russia. I mean, I like him. Do you? No, no, no. We're not mic'd, are we? Is this room bugged?

It would be a shame if there was a tape of Gareth. Wait a minute. Oh, wait. What about, like, Twitter? Okay. There's Twitter or Russia? It's your turn, so I think those are both good. Oh, wait. What about Twitter? Okay. There's Twitter or Russia? It's your turn. I think those are both good.

You make the call. Those are both good. Okay. Come on. I'm going to say Russia. Fuck! But I want to applaud you guys for how far you've gone today.

Give them a round. That was incredible. Here is the top ten. We were behind you. That's our fault. You didn't lose. We all lost together. I blame you guys. We each got one wrong. It our fault. You didn't lose. We all lost together. I blame you guys.

We each got one wrong. It's great. I was pretty sure this was going to collapse in failure and the audience would be shouting and then I would just have to read the list. You guys brought your A game to this, so I don't want you to go home feeling bad. Here's the list. Number ten, egotistical. Oh, that's a big word.

Fascinating, right? Yeah. Number nine, ignorant. Number eight, businessman. Number seven, this is one you missed, strong. fascinating right number nine ignorant number eight businessman number seven this one you missed strong what

cause he can do the pulling he can pull a six eight man's hand right in right out of the socket yeah number six president

number five unqualified that's hard alright you were on the right track yeah number four leader number three liar number two incompetent Unqualified. That's hard. All right. You were on the right track. Yeah. Number four, leader. Number three, liar.

Number two, incompetent. That's a good one. Number one, idiot. Yay! That was fun. It's tough because it's a lot of words in the same realm, like incompetent and idiot and ignorant. They're all sort of in the same area.

Yeah, any excuse you want to make is fine. That's the excuse I made. Even like president doesn't mean you respect it. You're just like, he's the president. No, it is just a fact. Yeah, that's Rubio's answer. What do you think of Donald Trump? He's president.

Wow. So how many positive ones are there? He's president. Wow. So it's how many positive ones are there? Leader? Strong. That's two out of the ten are positive. Businessman, I would say. No, but positive.

But that's how we know him. There are positive, negative, and facts. And then the negative ones are one, two, three, four, five, six negative ones. Yeah. It's pretty tough

out there for Donald Trump. Yeah. He's almost as if he has a historically low approval rating. Wow. When we come back, the rant wheel. And we're back. One of the most enjoyable parts is when the people in the crowd start reading the rant wheel. Here's what we have this week.

We have Betsy DeVos visits an HBCU. We have the Handmaid's Tale. It's on my mind. We have the Russian-released photos of the White House meeting. We have Steve Harvey's memo. I don't know if anybody saw that. And there's always the one that's blocked. Oh, they're all audience chooses.

All the remaining ones are audience chooses. Oh, and ice lattes. I was going to say that one last. Ice lattes. I have a very specific thing about ice lattes, which may surprise you. Let's roll the wheel. Oh, my God. let's roll the wheel oh my god it has landed on the

Steve Harvey memo I love the memo a lot of feud stuff today huh yeah it's a dark time a lot of feelings oh god I forgot that he hosts

the fucking family feud now yeah so it's a feud heavy episode for you yeah this is the fair use feud episode. I love the memo. I thought it was great.

Like, he just knows what he wants, and he's not afraid to say it. That's what I think. He's like, leave me alone. That's what I think. The guy said, I don't want you to look me in the eyes. I don't want you to talk with me.

But he said it, like, 20 times in a row. They did not get it before. It seems like people really like talking to Steve Harvey while he's getting ready to run the feud. And that's Steve Harvey's time. That's the time he needs to get centered. And he needs to get ready to go out there to banter with two weird families

for an hour and 45 minutes. That's a hard job. Yeah, let the guy sit in the shadows for a minute. He doesn't want to talk to you. He's not here to entertain you. Steve Harvey is not here to do bits with you before he hosts the feud. And if you don't understand that to entertain you. Steve Harvey is not here to do bits with you before he hosts the feud. And if you don't understand that, fuck you.

Well, I will say that there are better ways to convey that message than a 20-point bulletin with every sentence exactly the same thing. It's like, don't talk to me. Do not talk to me. Do not talk to me. Don't talk to me.

Different things are capitalized, but it's the same thing. When I'm in the makeup chair, do not talk to me. So Steve Harvey, not much of a people person. His emails are maybe a little too direct. Sure.

I think he's the guy that speaks his mind. No, I bet you he had to say it so many times and they weren't getting it. Like, I mean, imagine him in the chair and everyone's just coming up to him and he's like,

I don't want to talk right now, but they don't listen. So he's like, I'm going to write it every fucking way. But if he sent one memo and was like, hey guys, listen,

just don't talk to me before I go out. I have a lot on my mind. Wherever I am, makeup chair, whatever, I'm so sorry. I know this. This is awful of me to say, but really, I do want to focus on my shit. That is better. I'm Steve makeup chair, whatever, I'm so sorry. I know this. This is awful of me to say, but really I do want to focus on my shit.

That is better. I'm Steve Harvey. Hey, guys. Hey, guys. Steve here. First of all, so looking forward to the new season. I know that we are a great team and we are going to hit it out of the park together. 32 seasons already.

I can't. I know that every single episode, it only happens because you're here doing your job and you guys being behind me is what makes it possible for Steve Harvey to do his thing. And I wake up every day grateful that I know every single one of you. One flag, don't fucking talk to me. Don't look at me. Don't come near me.

I don't want to smell you. I don't want to know you. It just sounds more feud than family. Let's roll it again. It has landed on Russian photos. So, I don't know if you guys saw this, but obviously Donald Trump, the day after he fired James Comey, met with a bunch of Russians in the Oval Office.

Kislyak, the foreign minister whose name escapes. Man, you guys are on it. Lavrov. I don't even think we have a ding chimed up, but if we did, you'd be hearing it. We don't. What is it? It's Lavrov? Lavrov. Lavrov.

Kislyak and Lavrov. Donald Trump has this meeting the day after, and all of a sudden there's a bunch of photos, and they show Donald Trump yucking it up with Lavrov and Kislyak and Lavrov. Donald Trump has this meeting the day after, and all of a sudden there's a bunch of photos, and they show Donald Trump yucking it up with Lavrov and Kislyak, and then it turns out that the Trump administration did not allow any American journalists or photographers in the room, and the photos were released by the Russian news agency. Yeah.

Yeah. For real. Now, that would be bad enough, right? Because a little bit it's like well you know what you get your fucking come up and stop keeping american journalists out of the fucking oval office like let people take a picture of you but even worse the next day the result there was this story about how the white house was furious the russians tricked us they didn't tell us that they were going to take those photos and release them that sucks they lie those russians they lie are you kidding me can these fucking children have

no idea what they're doing and by the way like the photos weren't that good they were like a little weird on the like the color timing was a little bit off because the guy that took them wasn't a photographer it was his job to just put fucking bugs under every surface he's walking around he's walking around just like fucking bug there i. I can't believe, how am I here? It seems impossible. Boy, this guy gets all the good angles, huh? Yeah, Donald, he's amazing. You know what, Donald? You know what? You sit behind

me, Oval. I'm just going to get under this couch and take a picture. Get one of me on my side. I'll go on my side like this, yeah. Oh, Donald, you look really good. Do you mind if I take this from above the Oval office? Of course not. Inside the lamp, I'll run a wire through the lamp and then leave it. Yeah, when he leaves,

Trump is like, there's so many more flowers in here now. This is great. All these red flowers. That must be Eric's weird teddy bear with a very big eye. Yeah, one big eye.

And it's just an actual bear It's just one bear taking notes Writing down everything Eric, are you sure your bear's dead? Trump's like, hey, who put this vase here? And the vase is like, nobody I'm supposed to be here I love flowers

The vase says Compromat on it Pay no attention to me, I'm supposed to be here. I love flowers. The vase says Compromat on it. Pay no attention to me. I'm just normal vase. I've been here the whole time. It says not made in Russia on it. I wonder where it's made. Yeah, I wonder where it's made. I know where it's not made.

I know one place it isn't. Let's roll it again. Yes. So, Betsy DeVos got the shit booed out of her when she went to a college. And, you know, you saw some of that usual reaction, like, there goes the intolerant left, booing Betsy DeVos. You boo Betsy DeVos.

You're at my college graduation. First of all, at a historically black college which they have threatened to underfund, I would boo till I couldn't stand up. Fuck that. And the idea... They turned their backs to her. They're fucking

heroes. It would be so great. You're graduating college. You worked fucking hard. You studied. You're in the gown. You're proud of it. And then this woman comes up. Fucking turning away from her is the least you can do. Brittany Packnett, who's been on

DeRay's new podcast on Crooked Media, which you all should listen to, she was sort of, she was making, she made the best point about this,

which people were like, it's so disrespectful. No, it is disrespectful on someone's college graduation to expose them to Betsy DeVos. It is.

Sorry, these people aren't normal. They don't get the normal treatment. This isn't like, this isn't, you know, this isn't a Bush appointee. This isn't a Rom this isn't, you know, this isn't a Bush appointee. This isn't a Romney appointee.

This is a Trump appointee. Fuck that. What I like about her is that she is so, in so over her head. Like, she's in crisis. And I didn't know this. I'm sure everybody does. But her brother started Blackwater.

Oh, yeah. That's fucking amazing. It's the closest the family got to blacks. Until this college. We do not have time to spin the wheel again, but I do want to say one thing about ice lattes. Which is this.

Lattes are a real drink. They cost a little more because they steam the milk. Ice lattes are a fake drink, right? They cost a little more because they steam the milk. Ice lattes are a fake drink. Ice latte is espresso with milk that they pour on top of it. So when you order an ice latte,

what you're ordering is an ice espresso with milk you're paying $2 for at a place where the milk is free. And it is a scam. Wow. And the only reason I hesitated to tell you is because I'm afraid it's going to screw up my thing,

which is you subsidizing me via your dumbass ice latte purchases. And I want you to know right now that I am in a, I would say, two-year-long fight with my co-host, Jon Favreau, about this. You order espresso on ice, and you add the milk yourself. That's $2

in your pocket. By the way, not to bring you down, but that is the only thing we've done on this podcast that's going to make a difference. I think that's left us all something to think about. I want to thank my panelists, Kumail

Nanjiani, Lauren Lapkus, Gareth Reynolds. Fantastic. Thank you guys for coming. That's Love It or Leave It. We will see you next week. Have a great night. Thank you.