Lovett or Leave It - Who Let the DOGE Out?
Episode Date: February 8, 2025This week, Elon Musk is the ghost in the machine, that ghost being Slimer. The Treasury and USAID go down, Democrats stand up, and Mitch McConnell tumbles every which way but loose. Jason Isaacs stops... by to share his decades of villain experience. Andy Richter and Paula Poundstone turn over a big rock and recoil at the week in news, and Lovett and his guests hand-select their teeniest, tiniest, pettiest complaints to share with you.For upcoming shows, visit: crooked.com/events
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Join us and be a nobody. What's up Los Angeles?
Welcome to Love It or Leave It Live from Dynasty Typewriter.
The Super Bowl is on Sunday, which is the reason I ordered a six foot sub.
You can't prove I didn't know it was the Super Bowl. It's a completely normal thing to order
because I knew it was the Super Bowl.
Tonight on the show, Jason Isaacs is here
to give bad guys a good name.
Paul Poundstone and Andy Richter return
to test their news knowledge,
and then we all pour a nice crisp glass
of champagne problems.
But first, let's get into it. What a week!
The second Trump administration is 17 days young, and it's clear that Donald Trump's
overwhelming flurry of executive orders and firings and illegal budget freezes
amount to a total mega takeover of the federal government.
Sorry, I'm hanging by a thread. federal government. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha employee or in the lingo of Musk's online fanboys, retarded government employee. They're bringing it back.
It's not me.
You fucking pussies.
On Monday, Trump confirmed that Musk and his Doge associates had gained access to the Treasury
Department's payment system, which processes trillions of dollars of transactions for the
entire federal government.
I miss the days when Musk only controlled
several massive corporations,
the fortune of a small country,
one of the world's largest communications platform,
and the satellites over Ukraine.
A simpler times.
I will be so different than Joe Biden.
All she had to say.
Crazy different would Whoopi.
You'll love it.
Oh well.
The top civil servant of the Treasury, David Lieberich, resigned on Friday after reportedly
pushing back on Trump officials who were asking about the Treasury's ability to stop certain
payments.
And yet here we all are shitting Liebregs.
Once Liebreg was gone, Trump's newly sworn in Treasury Secretary, Scott Bessent, relented.
This is Scott Bessent, by the way.
Great work, Gay Jeb Bush.
And here's what's fucked up.
I mean, a lot of things are fucked up.
But one fucked up thing is Scott Bessent is gay.
He's married to a guy named John.
This is his house.
How dare this man bring shame upon the gayest house I've ever seen.
Magnificent.
A reporter asked Trump about the decision on Monday.
Why is it important for Elon Musk to have access to the payment systems at Treasury?
Well, he's got access only to letting people go that he thinks are no good if we agree with him.
And it's only if we agree with him.
Hey man, quick flag. You just described why it's bad.
Oh well. On Tuesday, Senators Elizabeth Warren and Ron Wyden called for the Government Accountability Office
to open an investigation into Doge's takeover at Treasury.
Oh, I'm sorry.
This just in.
I'm receiving word that Doge has shut down the Government Accountability Office.
Damn, those kids move fast.
Their little coder fingers.
Can't keep up.
Three federal employee unions have since sued the Treasury, accusing Besson of violating
federal law when he shared sensitive data with Musk.
Wrote the lawyers, people who must share information with the federal government should not be
forced to share information with Elon Musk or his Doge, and federal law says they do
not have to.
Exactly.
The fact that I received a federal loan during the pandemic for my fledgling dildo company,
which was called Shove It or Leave It, is not meant to be public information.
It's true that money could not overcome
that the most upvoted comment on our subreddit said,
this is a shape for no one.
But,
but like we used to say at Shove It HQ,
no pain, nobody can know about this.
Democratic leaders said they would introduce legislation to stomp, Joach.
Here's Senator Chuck Schumer.
So today, Leader Jeffries and I are joining together to push legislation to prevent unlawful
meddling in the Treasury Department's payment systems and protect Americans across the country.
We call our legislation Stop the Steal.
Look, this is what it's going to look like, alright?
This is what part of the resistance is going to be for a while,
proposing new laws that all boil down to, hey, stop that,
which will not pass, but the good news is,
some of them will have ditchy little names.
He's out there, he's trying. Wednesday, in response to that lawsuit, Justice
Department attorneys said that they would temporarily restrict Doge staff
from accessing the Treasury payment systems, which will be in place until a
hearing in a couple of weeks. Hey, enjoy the last couple of weeks with sole
custody of your Social Security number. Do something fun with it. Fill out some
forms. Well, none of this stops at Treasury Trump has dispatched Musk to at least half a dozen government agencies.
He has sought to illegally shut down USAID, the agency charged with delivering humanitarian
aid overseas.
And ultimately that's on them for refusing to order even one child sized submarine.
In 2023, USAID handled some $40 billion in appropriations, less than 1% of the federal
budget to fund HIV prevention in Uganda, war relief in Ukraine, maternal health assistance
in Zambia, and more.
In addition to often being the difference between life and death for aid recipients,
these programs build goodwill around the world and help protect Americans from diseases.
Just as a basis of comparison, if we extend the Trump tax cuts,
that will cost $4.2 trillion over 10 years,
most of which will go to the wealthiest people
and corporations.
But let's be nuanced and careful
in a way that our society no longer values
and point out that some of that does go to working people.
Let's pretend we live in a world
where we still debate policy, okay?
According to the Treasury Department
in a report earlier this year
from before those bureaucrats were beheaded or whatever, if you keep, if
you kept the cuts for people making under $400,000 a year, which is what Biden
and Harris supported, but didn't extend the estate tax cuts and corporate cuts
and cuts for the wealthiest families, that would only be $1.8 trillion over eight
years, which means that you are still saying that you want to increase the
debt by $200 billion a year
to make rich people richer while complaining about a rounding error that saves lives and
projects American power and values around the world. And now having won the argument, we celebrate.
Ladies and gentlemen, Amanda Gorman has been arrested.
Sorry. On Monday, Secretary of State Marco Rubio told reporters that he was now the acting
administrator of USAID, attempting to fold the agency into the State Department even
though Congress created it as a distinct entity over 60 years ago.
Rubio, who used to believe in USAID before he put on that ring somewhere between Hobbiton
and Isengard, said that USAID may be abolished consistent with applicable law.
It's like we're on an airplane that's been hijacked and Air Marshal Marka Rubio stands
up and said, don't worry, I'm going to make sure that we are only rerouted from Fort Lauderdale
to Bratislava in a way that complies with FAA regulations.
Okay, thanks.
Glad we have an adult in the room.
After trying and failing to gain access to USAID headquarters, Democrats held a process
outside the building alongside over 100 employees, calling Trump's funding freeze and potential
elimination of the agency unconstitutional.
There is no question that the billionaire class trying to take over our government right
now is doing it based on self interest. We have not months, we have not weeks, but we have days to stop the destruction of our
democracy.
We have work to do.
Project 2025 was kind of a misnomer, really more like Project January.
It was Senator Chris Murphy.
And then there are the buyouts.
As of Thursday, of the millions of workers who were offered incentives to resign last
week, 60,000 federal employees had accepted the offer, or about 3% of the workforce.
So they are on their way to their goal of heading 5% to 10%.
But come on, folks, take the deal and hit the road.
Where else is Undersecretary for Management Kyle Rittenhouse supposed to sit?
On Tuesday, four employee unions sued the Office of Personnel Management over the buyout
as basic information is lacking from the offer when Congress has appropriated no funds for
this purpose and the statutory basis and appropriations for this promise remain unclear.
Then on Thursday, a federal judge halted the buyout just 11 hours before the deadline set
for federal employees by the Trump administration to decline or accept.
On the one hand, this is all terrible.
On the other hand, oh, the soothing feeling of a deadline extension.
That little undiagnosed ADHD in here is just like, that feels good.
Now federal employees have a whole other weekend to feel like they are rolling the dice on
a job they need to feed their fucking families. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha and we need that point of view inside of our government. What happened to this country? I remember when the CIA used to offer people buyouts,
they'd say, buy as they pushed you out of a helicopter.
The CIA also sent the White House an unclassified email
listing all of the employees hired in the last two years,
a move that one former CIA official
called a counterintelligence disaster.
I remember back in the day you had to sneak in a Langley disguised as a firefighter, make
some geek shit his pants, and then quietly dangle into a laser room without sweating too
much to get your hands on a list like that.
The actual defense offered by the people that did this was that the list only had the employees first name and last initial, which is literally from the fucking Simpsons.
For privacy's sake, let's call her Lisa S. No, that's too obvious.
Let's say L Simpson. What the fuck?
Senator Bernie Sanders remained clear-eyed about our current situation.
This country under Trump is moving rapidly toward authoritarianism, but we cannot just
play defense.
We have got to be on the offense.
Please never forget that the agenda that we are fighting for is
widely supported, widely supported by working families all across this country
and we must continue to fight for that agenda. Yeah man of course but right now
Elon Musk and a group of guys who didn't go to prom are trying to find the person
responsible for the Sacagawea dollars.
responsible for the Sacchawea dollars. On Wednesday, it was actually great.
Bernie put out this video and it's a great, just sort of, hey, don't despair.
Here are some steps we can take.
And I found it, it's nothing revelatory, but it's worth watching.
On Wednesday, the AFL-CIO, America's largest federation of labor unions, filed the lawsuit
to block Musk from invading the Department of Labor.
Unfortunately, the only labor department Musk refuses to enter is the one where his kids
are being born.
Meanwhile, some of them questioned whether Democrats were falling into a trap by protesting
outside USAID, with some strategists saying that fighting over foreign aid was a misstep
because federal bureaucracy and foreign aid in particular are broadly unpopular, which is certainly true.
But it's hard to argue that a better tactic would be to let Trump dismantle USAID than
speak up when he's about to dismantle something popular because they are targeting USAID to
set a precedent that he's allowed to dismantle stuff.
Democratic strategists argue that the USAID fight is emblematic of a larger trap the party
has fallen into defending institutions people despise rather than focusing on the issues that will most affect voters,
like say Trump trying to eliminate the Department of Education.
But what should Democrats be doing in response?
In a piece he wrote for The Bullwork on Tuesday, former New Jersey Congressman Tom Malinowski
outlined five ways Democrats could fight back.
Number one, appropriately enough, listicles.
House Democrats could fight Trump's illegal funding freeze by announcing that they're
not giving Speaker Mike Johnson a single vote to fund the government or raise the debt
ceiling until they have a solid guarantee that the Trump administration will spend federal
funds as Congress directs.
House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffrey seems to be thinking along the same lines, writing
in a Monday letter to the caucus that he planned to use the March 14 federal funding deadline
to block Trump from freezing appropriated funds.
Democrats should also fight Trump in the courts, countering his flood of executive orders and
firings with a flood of legal challenges and, given the ways that social media has harmed
kids and poisoned our politics, Malinowski writes, any Democrat who can't take advantage
of this and run a populist campaign against our bond villain
tech overlords should have their politician's license revoked.
And some of them should just have that thing revoked
because they're too old to have that license.
I don't disagree that Democrats defending
unpopular institutions is a trap,
but I think it's worth asking why it's a trap
in the first place because we ought to hope
and believe possible a world where politics is no longer so stupid
and sensational that protesting the violation
of the basic separation of powers in favor of aid
that not only save lives, but antagonizes our advertaries
and extends American influence isn't a trap,
or more likely that we have Democrats who know it's a trap
and see it's a trap, but also manage to spring that trap without getting their legs stuck in it.
In the short term, yes, we have to have these legal fights, which we need to have everywhere.
We have public fights we need to fight in a way that draws attention to the absolute
worst and least popular acts of this administration.
But we also ought to be thinking, how do we build credibility as an opposition to reach
enough people and to know we have the trust of enough people so that when we convey the threat, people believe us.
And to me, that starts with showing up.
More is more.
That's why it was great to see Senate Democrats holding the floor this week to try to draw
attention to the OMB nominee and Project 2025 architect Russell Vogt.
And it won't just be about these leaders showing up.
It will be about all of us showing up.
We all have to show up just as soon as I get back
from shooting traitors.
I'm going to put it into the universe.
I'm just going to put it into the universe a little bit.
It's survivor with food.
Speaking of falling into traps, we also
had this lovely exchange in the House oversight
hearing where ranking member Jerry Connolly objected to Nancy Mace's endless demonizing
of trans people.
The gentlelady has used a phrase that is considered a slur in the LGBTQ community and the transgender
community.
Just from the beginning, a gentle lady is very generous.
I move we opt for a treacherous wench or hell crow or bog clown.
Mays responded with this.
Tranny, tranny, tranny, I don't really care.
You want penises in women's bathrooms,
and I'm not going to have it.
No, thank you.
Let the chairman.
This is neither here nor there.
But you know when you're out and you go to use the bathroom
and you realize it's a situation where there are two
one-person bathrooms with locking doors,
and yet they're still labeled men's and women's,
and there's a line at the quote unquote men's room,
but the women's room is open?
Yeah, I'm bringing a penis into that women's bathroom.
I'm sorry about it.
Connolly went on to say this.
To me, a slur is a slur.
And here in the committee, a level of decorum
requires us to try consciously to avoid slurs.
You just heard the gentlelady actually actively,
robustly repeat it.
And I would just ask the chairman that she be counseled
that we ought not to be engaged.
We can have debate and policy discussion
without offending human beings who are fellow citizens.
It's a nice idea, isn't it?
Here's the problem.
Nancy Mase knows it's a slur.
That's why she said it.
She was hoping Connolly would respond exactly
how he responded.
Connolly's heart is in the right place here.
But he should have figured out what was happening
when before saying the slur,
Nancy Macy set up a fucking ring light.
We cannot be hall monitors blowing a whistle
while the school burns to the fucking ground.
Declaring offense, declaring words is beyond acceptable
even if you are right.
If you were right that if these people had any shame
or compassion, of course they would not do this.
It's just not going to cut it.
You brought a rule book to a knife fight.
Here's an idea, and this one's free.
Next time Mace unleashes a torrent of slurs and screams about penises in women's bathrooms,
you can just introduce a motion to make Mace the official penis sheriff.
If she was a show, then sure, give it to her, but make sure the show is the dark night.
I know you're gonna enjoy this.
I'm gonna have to try and enjoy it even more.
Spoiler alert, he does exactly what the Joker wants
and gets his whole police department exploded.
Also, Slumdog Millionaire wins Best Picture instead of this.
And let's not forget, Jerry Connolly is in this job because he defeated AOC in the race
for ranking member of the Oversight Committee.
Here's AOC responding to Nancy Mace a few weeks ago.
What Nancy Mace and what Speaker Johnson are doing are endangering all women and girls.
Because if you ask them, what is your plan on how to enforce this? They won't come up with an answer and what it inevitably results in are women and girls who are primed for assault
Because they want because people are gonna want to check their private parts in suspecting
Who is trans and who assists and who's doing what and so the idea that Nancy Mase
wants little girls and women to drop trowel in front of who?
An investigator? Who would that be in order?
Because she wants to suspect and point fingers at who she thinks is trans is disgusting.
House Democrats decided to give Connolly the microphone, even though AOC knows how to use it.
And now he's sitting in that chair instead of one of the best communicators in democratic
politics.
All I'm saying is the days of begging Republicans for decorum are over.
It's weak shit.
But hey, Jerry, if you don't grow a pair, at least you can use whatever bathroom you
want.
What are we fucking doing here?
Ah, point of decorum.
You call it, you're gonna go to the teacher,
you think that's gonna work in 2025?
You go to the fucking teacher
to complain that somebody used a bad word?
Not gonna work, not gonna work.
Wish it was, wish we lived in the world
where that was something that could work, but it doesn't.
And in fact, James Comer, who is the chair of that committee,
turned it into a fucking joke.
He's like, I'm not really up on the latest slang.
I don't know what's a slur and not with these LGBT people.
So he got fucking slapped in the face and now you look like a little bitch.
Speaking of going down the toilet, on Tuesday, Trump held a press conference alongside Israeli
Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu and said that the United States will take control of
the Gaza Strip.
The U.S. will take over the Gaza Strip and we will do a job with it too.
We'll own it.
Have you been to Vegas? The U.S. doesn't even have control of the Strip in our own country.
Trump called for Palestinians to leave Gaza, calling it a demolition site and saying that
they should get a good, fresh, beautiful piece of land. Trump made clear that he wasn't talking
about simply rebuilding Gaza
in order for Palestinians to return, but something else entirely.
One, where exactly are you suggesting that they should go?
And two, are you saying they should return after it's rebuilt?
And if not, who do you envision living there?
I envision the world, people living there, the world's people.
I think you'll make that into an international, unbelievable place.
I think the potential and the Gaza Strip is unbelievable.
And I don't want to be cute.
I don't want to be a wise guy, but the Riviera of the Middle East.
God, I hate it when he's cute.
Trump's plan sparked outrage around the world, even among some Republicans here at home.
Democrats slammed the idea as horrifying and insane, with Maryland Senator Chris Van Hollen,
who sits on the Foreign Relations Committee, calling it ethnic cleansing.
Chris Murphy warned that the whole debacle was a distraction, saying, I have news for
you, we aren't taking over Gaza, but the media and the chattering class will focus on it
for a few days, and Trump will have succeeded in distracting everyone from the real story
the billionaire sees in control to steal from regular people.
Well, we're not taking over Gaza. Not with that attitude.
Speaking of downward slides toward oblivion, on Wednesday Mitch McConnell fell again,
tumbling down the Senate stairs after voting for Trump's HUD nominee Scott Turner.
And unfortunately, all the king's horses and all the king's men have been furloughed.
Then, later in the day, he reportedly fell a second time, allegedly while carrying a
plate of food.
Don't worry, I'm okay, said a chuckling Mitch McConnell, through what can only be described
as a death mask of mashed potatoes.
In other spill news, a big rig full of eggs crashed
on the 5 Freeway in Los Angeles on Monday,
causing major delays through East LA.
No word on the condition of each of the eggs.
The truck had approximately $1 million worth of eggs inside,
so it was about four dozen.
And in other egg news, a hundred thousand eggs were stolen from the back of a distribution
trailer in central Pennsylvania. We got a lot of great merchandise today. We got omelets.
We got quiche. We got benedicts. We got ovarese. We got check shook. Hey, come on, a gorgeous lady like you could use itvereasy, Undereasy, we got Chek Shook.
Hey, come on, a gorgeous lady like you could use a frittata, am I wrong?
I can see it. I can see you in a frittata.
Meanwhile, this fucking guy is trying to kill me on the matzo brie.
Ah, we got custard.
All right.
Because he's Jewish.
And finally, striking a hard bargain.
It's part of moving eggs.
And finally, for a $15 donation, the Columbus Zoo and Aquarium
will name a worm after your ex, feed it to a sloth,
and send you a video of it.
But doctor, my ex is the sloth.
Also, just man, I don't know how you can lose a breakup harder
than paying a zoo to name a worm.
I can't think of anything that could prove to Jessica more
that she was right than to find out there's a worm named Jessica
being fed to us off.
Up next, the virtuoso of villainy, it's Jason Isaacs.
Hey, don't go anywhere.
There's more of Love It or Leave It coming up.
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And we're back.
Please welcome to the stage,
the only part of the Harry Potter universe
I need to hear about ever again for the rest of my life.
It's the incredible Jason Isaacs.
Thank you for being here.
How you doing?
I wish I looked, that's a very good photograph.
It's a great photograph.
Wish I looked like that, shit.
Now, let me start with this.
When you were asked about your experience
filming White Lotus, which returns for a third season
on February 16th, you told Time Magazine,
we're doing intimate scenes and you stink.
By the end of each day, we're just caked in sweat and makeup.
You can peel your clothes off with a towel.
It melts your fillings.
It would be churlish to complain.
There are terrible things going on in the world,
but we've all had enough.
However, when you were cast in Harry Potter, you said,
and I quote, I read the first four books in one sitting.
You know, didn't wash, didn't eat,
drove around with them on the steering wheel like a lunatic.
When did you smell worse
and is smelling bad part of your process?
I, it's a reasonable question.
I just talk bullshit to journalists
and then it comes back and haunts you years later,
just trying to sound, get a smile out of someone.
But that thing went viral.
What I actually was talking about
is how hot it was in Thailand, which was insanely hot. And I just illustrated, I did
that comic thing and going, it was so hot, we were all stinking by the end of the day. It went viral.
It was in people and then saying we live it. And then my white rights people goes, what, we all
stunk? And I went, for fuck's sake, Mike, I'm sorry. And I've just done about 500 interviews all day
today. And sure enough, they want to know who smelt the worst.
And I wish I'd never said any of it.
No.
Hm.
I talked to my wife once because I went on the show Survivor,
and he was on the show Survivor.
How did you do?
I did terribly.
And then I got advice from him, and I
was excited to get advice from him.
And then I did terribly.
And then I got a text from him saying, how did it go?
Oh, he knew. By the way, he knew.
He knew.
I haven't responded.
Oh, I'll tell him tomorrow.
Please.
Now.
Woo!
You know what that sound means.
Jason, you've prostrated yourself.
You've played a lot of villains.
You prostrated yourself. You prostrated yourself in the late.
You prostrated yourself.
It's also true to get the job.
First of all, is it, I'm sure you get asked about being,
you've played great villains and great heroes,
but you're known as someone who's a great villain.
It's a part of you.
It's a part of you.
What it is, I've been in about 200 things,
at least eight of them quite good,
and a couple
of them have been very high profile.
So, the Harry Potter things and the Patriot, which is on every July the 4th here for some
reason.
People think it's a Ken Burns documentary.
And I, no, I'm not kidding.
I swear to God, I'm often, some places people come out and they go, I gotta tell you man,
I love the Patriot, and my fourth grade history teacher showed us the movie.
And I go, and then they told you what really happened.
What do you mean? I go, that's not not a Harry Potter is more historically accurate than the Patriots
and they don't quite get that. But those so a couple of the villains I've done have been very
very high profile and so I'm thought of as villainous but you know I'm happy to be thought of as employed
that's that's fine by me. Does it does it um what was that noise? now Being sort of known as someone who's a great villain. Did that affect your personality?
In my life when my wife is someone the audience and I will tell you sometimes I go down in pasta songs
Because that's a really horrible thing to say and I go
Watch because you really you feel you don't like food. I go. No, it's just that my face somebody obviously my default voice
I have a resting cunt face.
That's what it is.
Resting villain face, resting villain face.
That's a much better word in America.
You're right, sorry.
No, you can say whatever you want now.
Actually, you could say more than ever.
Now, we're gonna play a game, and the game is called,
Was I In This Oops All Villain Edition?
Ah!
Why am I in that?
Ha ha ha ha ha? What are these?
Why are they pixelated out?
Because they're part of the, they're going to be clued on it.
Oh, I see.
Right, right.
Perhaps.
I thought there was just a shame to be seen with this.
OK, fine.
I will ask, Bill's going to, those are your cards.
Bill's going to be out there.
Jason and I will ask you, the audience, whether Jason
played a particular, particularly iconic on-screen seniopath. You tell us yes or no.
Bonus points if you remember if he had long hair in the role because he almost
certainly did. Was it a wig or no? It's more, never mind
villain, wig or no wig. That's what you want to ask. Wig or no wig. Oh, let's find out.
I actually had to wear a chest wig once. Oh really? The bald director, he said,
he's a Welsh guy, and he said, you know, you want a chest wig.
You're looking manly.
Women love rugs.
And the fingers were, you know, your chest hair.
And I went, that's because you're bald, you idiot.
But anyway, I did wear it because it was a big job for me.
A chest wig?
Yeah, it was, it looked like a placenta.
It was not good.
It was not good.
It did.
That's exactly what it looked like.
It's not even funny.
Yeah.
And you were in a space suit, so it didn't really make sense. No, no, no.
Just for the character.
All right, somebody want to play?
Oh, hi.
Hi, what's your name?
Sam.
Hi, Sam.
I'll start.
Jason played a mad scientist who kidnapped and studied
people who had near-death experiences on the unjustly
canceled Netflix original, The OA.
Yep, hell yeah.
That is true. He played Dr. Hunter, Aloysius, and Percy.
He's not a mad scientist because he's right.
He was curing death.
They can jump dimensions in it.
And if he'd cured death, no one would care about the five
people in the basement, I'm just going to say.
Sorry.
First of all, I love that because it's
a beautiful part of a great villain performance
that a villain believes himself to be the hero,
which you seem to have internalized
in a deeply frightening way.
Somebody comes along and go, I've cured cancer.
You go, wow, I don't care how you did it.
You've cured cancer.
This guy's gonna cure death for all of mankind for the future.
So five people had a bit of a shitty time for a while.
Yeah, no, and look, I just think,
look, let's not play out how that's been used
to justify other things.
But wait, now, yes, sure, he does in the show, The OA,
which none of you watch because you're, you know,
you want to live in this horrible world where we don't
get a third season of The OA.
I was with the director just yesterday.
No, no, no one's commissioned it.
But we talk all the time, me and Britton Zell,
about what we might do.
Yeah.
I'm in.
Yeah, OK, fine. The OA was great.
It was great.
Anyone who watched the OA understands,
and unless you've never clicked play on it,
because you're a bunch of sheep.
Just buying sheep, clicking on,
I don't know, I think this is a cake.
What if it's a cake you're clicking on?
Instead, he's making art.
He's making art in a basement.
It is actually beautiful. It is actually beautiful.
It is actually beautiful.
It is beautiful.
It's beautiful.
And you're like, I don't know.
I think the ladies are fighting in Salt Lake.
Now.
All right, I've got one.
OK.
I don't know.
We can keep talking about it.
But I've got one.
I played spaceship designer Dr. William Weir, who
succumbed to space madness
in Paul W. Sanderson's haunting Event Horizon.
Raise your hand.
That person, he's almost did it.
Right against William.
I think he's picking, I think he's picking his nose.
Hold on.
Go back.
Can I go to the toilet?
No, you answered the question.
No.
What's your answer?
No.
That is correct. That is correct.
That is correct.
That part was played by the fabulous Sam Neill.
I played DJ, who was a doctor.
I, that movie, first of all,
Event Horizon is on the list of movies I saw.
I was a little too young.
You are, yeah.
It really fucks me up.
Sorry.
It really fucks me up in that movie.
That movie's fucked up.
Shame on you. I know I agree. I
Agree, I mean I blame the parents frankly, but still yeah, where were they? Yeah, but my parents know it
How dare you my parents
Your own parents why you bringing my poor parents into this I said kids watch the Patriots
I watched a picture when I was eight years old, and I go, what the fuck?
I'm calling social services.
It's wrong.
The Patriot is very funny because because
Very funny.
Which version did you watch?
What's funny about it is Mel Gibson turns the British
into such villi- you are the villain's villain in that movie.
It's fucking crazy.
I see a question of perspective when you stand on child killing, uh, on a bill.
I know what you're saying.
That's true.
That's true.
Hey, um, what was the OA about, do you think?
Uh, about 12 hours.
Two seasons altogether, you know.
Next up, uh, Jason played one of the Knights of Walpurgis in the Harry Potter universe.
Wow.
Right, but fourth row.
You say.
I said no.
Well, you've not read the Harry Potter books
in great detail because Lucius Malfoy was, in fact,
one of the Knights of Walpurgis, the original group
name for the Death Eaters.
But I'm objecting to call him a villain.
He's just a guy trying to make Hogwarts great again.
That's all.
Nice.
What?
It is amazing to me.
It is amazing to me the lack of self-awareness
that Harry Potter fans have moving through the world.
Every other person who loves something as a kid
knows that they loved it as a kid, and that is wonderful.
But that doesn't mean that it is not.
Oh.
I'm walking.
I can feel the buzz saw approaching my eye.
Moving on.
That's a wig, though.
Can I tell you, I went live on a talk show in Britain
late night when we did the second or third one.
And Jonathan Ross, who's a famous British talk show host,
said, let's talk about the wig.
Let's talk about the hair.
It looks fabulous.
And I said, well, we style it different every time.
And I said, on live TV, this time,
we tried to make it look like Madame Gaga.
And he went, I think you mean Lady Gaga.
And I thought of so many good answers in the fucking car
on the way home.
But that moment, I just went bright purple and swallowed my tongue
Madam Gaga Madam Gaga. I'm so cool and down
I think you can pull off Connor Madam Gaga very very charming and British. I think you get away with it
Okay to me. I play the New York businessman who earns who learns a terrifying eel related secret at a mountain
Sanatorium in a cure for wellness.
That is a creepy film, seen that?
No, I haven't seen that one, in fact.
Yeah, you and no one else.
Sam saw it.
I did.
I'm like weirdly your biggest fan here.
Yes, you did.
No, I did not.
No, you were in it.
I played Dr. Balmer who ran the sanatorium
and forced eels down people and desiccated them all.
But can I take this?
So we're shot in the most haunted building in Europe.
Oh, look, there he is.
And then I raped my daughter on a clonder and it was all bad.
Anyway, but we're shot in the most haunted place in Europe.
It's this compound of buildings where Hitler recovered after the First World War and then
that's where the Nazis were sent.
And then when the Russians took it over, they used it as a sanatorium for their political distance, and they lobotomized them all.
It's a place where there's been lots of serial killings, I was told. All the buildings were
haunted apart from when we renovated. I kept my eyes down, terrified of ghosts, so I didn't
want to see a silhouette out of the window. But all these ghost hunters came all the time.
I looked it up, and I thought, is this true? I look up, and there was a serial killing,
many of them, but one quite recently in these buildings, and it was a photographer killed
a bunch of models on a shoot. And then I looked it up further and he was
shooting for a fetish magazine and he'd killed them with a frying pan. And I wanted to know,
was it at lunchtime or was the frying pan part of the fetish? And I never did find out. Yeah.
If anybody knows, I'd love to find out.
Sorry. We went down a dark cold aside.
Sorry.
All right, next up, Jason played an arson-happy British
colonial soldier in 2000's The Patriot.
We've already covered this, so you know the answer is yes.
So I want to talk about The Patriot.
OK.
I tried to kill Mel.
I did my best.
Now I like him.
He's not me.
It's a simple joke.
What do you mean?
You'd still be ruled from England.
Wouldn't be such a terrible thing now, would it?
I mean, it didn't look good for a while, but this week.
Honestly, I, God, it's close, it's close.
But I still pick this.
I still pick this.
49, 51, maybe. I choose this.
I choose this. Okay, final.
Yes, we're gonna be run by the dumbest ones of ours.
But we picked them.
We elected them fair and square this time.
And that's good.
That's the way you do it.
Not your hot dog fingered monarch.
Guys, guys walking around.
Don't talk about the queen like that.
Sorry, go.
Do we have an image of Jason and the Patriot?
Oh, come on.
Come on.
So can I tell you about that photograph?
Because I love a wig.
It's tied up every single day.
And I said to Roland, when they put this wig on in the morning, it looks pretty cool when it's down.
And he went, yeah, we should do something.
And all the other people went, no, no, no, they're British officers. It's tied up.
He went, shut up. Let me see it. And he came on the trailer and he went, yeah, we do a scene with it down, sure. And so we went, no, no, no, they're British officers, it's tied up here, shut up, let me see it. They came on the trailer and went,
yeah, we do a scene with it down, sure.
And so we went, well, why would he have his hair down?
They went, he was washing his hair in a stream.
They went, no, it's a little bit timid,
let's, he's shaving.
So the whole scene happened just because
when they put it on in the morning,
I went, I wanna have long rock star hair,
so there's a whole scene where I killed-
It's very memorable.
Yeah. It's a very memorable scene.
Yeah, yeah. And it was all about the wig.
It's only about the wig ever, darling.
That's all it is.
Interesting.
You want to do one more?
Sure.
I played, I can't say that, but I played the hottest
Star Trek captain, evil category,
in, that's the whole question, in evil category.
I was in Star Trek playing someone.
Wait, I'll come up, I'll go to that person,
but this person's freaking out.
You got it, you got it, you're in the right spot.
OK, so my husband told me this on the way here,
that you absolutely did that, and I said I didn't think so,
but we're going to go with yes.
Oh, OK.
I'm sorry.
So before you got here, your husband
said Jason Isaacs was a captain on Star Trek.
That's right.
He texted me to ask Mr. Jason this very question,
so I appreciate that it's here.
And then, then you're asked that information.
So your husband says, sidekick, your husband says,
he was in Star Trek.
You say, I don't think so.
Then I say, and we have this show where the question
true or false is, was he that specific fucking thing?
And you still aren't sure?
I want to know.
Hey, happy one time to you.
What does your husband have to do to just get a...
I want it to be right.
What?
I want it to be right.
But I'm going to give Sean this one.
You want it to be right?
Yeah, no.
I'm going to give Sean this one because he told me this on the way here.
So well done.
Yeah.
I'll tell you one thing about Star Trek.
So the future is very diverse, but not in terms of weight.
We all wore these unbelievably tight kind of super mega spanks things underneath our
costumes.
And if you remember Patrick Stewart, very had the, Picard had this famous thing where
he pulled his jacket down, the Picard maneuver.
They didn't want us to do that.
So they zipped the jackets to the pants, which is all very well, except when you lift your
arms up and you give yourself a very visible front wedgie.
And suddenly there were camel toes and veg and potatoes
appearing everywhere.
And so then we all had to wear these dancer supports
so that you couldn't see what gender we were in the future.
And I said, can you keep your arms down?
I went, no, I can't keep my fucking arms down.
You're trying to act.
Yeah, I'm trying to act.
You need your arms to act.
Nobody ate anything.
You couldn't take them off.
You couldn't lie there in the morning
and be covered in whale blubber to get those clothes on.
It was like a sausage skin.
Wow.
There we are.
The Troubles in Space.
And Jonathan Frakes, who's Ryker, who's one of my friends, a fabulous guy, he's a director
now and directed lots of Star Trek movies.
He came on one of the first episodes and he went, okay, who's having trouble with their
hands?
And we went, yeah, because you don't know where to put them.
And he goes, yeah, there's no pockets in space.
Let me give you a tip.
Whoever gets to fold their arms first wins the scene.
Don't ever put your hands on the hip.
You can't get them off.
You're stuck, the whole scene, mincing around
with your hands on your hips.
Well, I can't say more, because I think that I'm technically
not supposed to have seen it.
But I saw the first episode of White Lotus in an illicit way,
which you will get no more details of.
And it's great, and you're great in it.
I'm very excited for the new season of White Lotus.
Jason Isaacs, thank you so much for being here.
This was so fun.
Thanks so much, it was great.
Jason, we'll be back for the end game.
When we come back, Andy Richter and Paul Poundstone.
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And we're back.
Please welcome to the stage
two legends, the one and only Andy Richter
and the one and only Paul Poundstone.
It's the one and only Andy Richter, and the one and only Paula Poundstone.
Come around.
Come join us.
Hi.
Hi everybody.
I love you too.
Thank you so much.
I'm here too.
Andy.
And I'm much needier than her.
Hey, come on, you're both pretty needy people.
I was gonna say, come on.
I'm just convening.
Right up here, there's enough need to power a small city.
Yeah.
Just all that's walking off this stage is need and sexual charisma.
Yeah, smells like Fritos.
Yeah, that's a flowery corn.
Hi, Paula.
Hey, how are you?
Good to see you.
You look fantastic.
Oh, thanks.
You're a little sweaty.
You look a little sweaty.
I would have said dewy.
You think I look dewy?
Yeah, yeah.
Is it because we were working so hard?
Is that what it was?
You were telling your jokes and...
Yeah, I'm sure that's part of it.
Yeah. I'm sure that's part of it.
Yeah.
Maybe I don't know.
I didn't know.
Is it because you're drinking liquid death?
That doesn't sound like a good idea.
You're the kind of person that would then
like check your metabolism.
You think?
Yeah. You think? Yeah. You think I check my metabolism? Yeah, I think you're the kind of person that would then like check your metabolism. You think? Yeah.
You think?
Yeah.
You think I check my metabolism?
Yeah.
I think you're the kind of person that would, you know, pay attention to that sort of thing.
Meanwhile, you drink shit called liquid death.
But I think there's a compliment inside of there, which is, do I look healthy to you in
some sense that I'm measuring things?
No, that's not how I meant it.
No, I meant that-
I think she means you're a crazy contradiction.
Yeah, something like that.
You're about wellness, but then not.
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
No, it's just that, you know, the kind of person
that would be concerned about their health,
but then drink something with such a spot on name.
Do you see what I'm saying?
It's just water.
It's just water.
Annie and Paul, there's so much news this week.
Oh boy is there.
Oh boy is there, yeah.
And every subsequent week until the concept of weeks no longer exists, which may happen
by mid-March.
Are they getting rid of weeks?
Is that what they're going to do?
They're going to kill, they're going to, yeah.
Weeks went woke.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Weeks are nine days now.
Yeah, they're going to get rid of weeks. They're going to get rid of, calendars will only be, they're gonna get rid of weeks. They're gonna get rid of...
Calendars will only be...
They're no longer gonna have actual days.
Every... It's just pictures of Trump.
That's all calendars can be anymore.
With maybe one Melania just to keep her office back.
You know this whole fucking thing?
Do you know?
If, okay, if Vogue had just put Melanie
on one goddamn cover, we wouldn't be where we are right now.
You really think it was that easy?
I think that was a big part of it, yeah.
She just wanted to be on the,
he would say something about it every so often.
It really offended the whole family.
Well look, I've often said Vogue is responsible
for most of the world's problems,
and I'm fine to add one more to the list.
I don't think that's a reach.
I don't think it's a...
Okay, so why are you sweaty?
Because you were...
Were you sitting at that desk earlier?
So, I'm not sweaty.
Which is-
Okay, I wasn't watching.
Is it Jason?
Did he have like a flower that squirted water or something?
Because I listened a little bit, but I wasn't watching.
So if that had happened.
So, no, so you're, hmm.
So you're basically, you're looking at this
and you're saying there's two possibilities.
Either he's out here working too hard,
or Jason Isaacs dresses some kind of 1970s era clown,
asks me to smell his flower,
and me thinking this is just a beautiful lapel,
just a beautiful corsage or whatever.
A boutonniere, a boutonniere.
I leaned in, none the wiser, a fool, a perfect fool,
and boom, Jason Isaacs squeezes the little balloon
in his pocket, and boom, I'm hitting the face
with a bunch of water, and it's kind of smooth,
and it left a kind of dewy and sweaty impression.
That's what I thought could have happened.
And it's funny that you go back to like a 1930s clown,
is that what you said?
Because I'm thinking, we've all gone to look for America.
Oh.
Thank you, Simon and Garfunkel.
Simon and Garfunkel, yeah.
And there was a squirting flower.
Was there?
Well, there was a camera, like something about the spy
with a camera.
Yeah.
The man in the something has a camera or something.
Oh, shit.
Oh, my God.
Well, this is going great.
You know what?
I'll tell you something.
I was this close to being like the Heather Cox Richardson of the show.
And then my history is that far off.
I feel like such an idiot right now.
Hey, you know what?
But I'm a dry idiot.
You're...
Why are you...
Why are you so sweaty? I'm not... He's not sweaty. He's such an idiot right now. And you know what? But I'm a dry idiot. You're, why are you? Why are you so sweaty?
I'm not.
He's not sweaty.
He's just a little shiny.
Just a little shiny.
He's always a little shiny.
Here's the thing.
It's moist out.
There's a, it's humid out.
It is wet out.
Yeah.
I just wondered if the audience was more challenging than I, you know, if you were like just up
here working and working and just, you know, sometimes when I'm in a theater they'll, you know, I ask them to put a stool
on stage for me to sit down and they'll put like a towel on it as well. And I always feel
so bad like, and I'll say to the audience, you know, I'm gonna do my very best tonight. Um, but the odds of me sweating enough that I'll need to towel off are very, very slim.
Andy, do you often find that you get wet enough to need a towel on stage?
Uh, I am good at sweating.
Um, yeah. And I have felt dewy all day.
It's been moist out today.
And you wear the raincoat, which doesn't really breathe.
And then you take it off.
You wear a raincoat?
Yeah, when it's raining outside, some of us leave our houses.
No, I watched my dog today.
But I didn't wear a raincoat.
I wore a raincoat.
It wasn't like coming down.
It wasn't like diagonally through.
It was a little bit
grippy and misty. Hey, Paula,
did you forget your robe and judges gavel
before coming out here? Yeah, no shit.
Jesus Christ, it was for anybody else.
Wanna come out here and have their,
and be judged by Paula Poundstein?
Yeah, you know what?
Yeah, and especially like on such solid ground as,
on a rainy day, you wore a raincoat?
Are you mad, sir? such solid ground as, on a rainy day, you wore a raincoat?
Are you mad, sir?
Did you have an umbrella as well?
No.
I had a lot of things to do today.
I was all over town.
Who knows when the rain's coming and going?
I wore a raincoat, and I will not apologize for it.
Which is why it's time for a segment we call.
Why is John so moist?
That could be a new regular segment.
Go ahead.
So I'm going to quiz Andy and Paula on the week's news.
We didn't have time to cover the monologue
because there's too much fucking happening in a segment
we're calling.
That's that News Depresso.
Oh, look at us.
Where are you?
Look at us up there.
You look bone dry in that picture.
I'm sure.
I'm sure.
I need, you know.
Wow, that's that news.
Are you both ready?
Yeah.
Yes.
Oh, born ready.
I don't have a raincoat, but.
Well, we're in sense
Just it
I'm not prepared for all weather, but yeah, except the fucking scarf. Well, it's really fucking freezing out
Yeah
I'm cold
You're colder are you just Charlton Heston? Boom! Boom! Andy Richter!
What is that thing that you wore?
A cravat.
Thank you, a cravat.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
No, no, it's that I was cold.
Oh, it was cold.
Are those going to be the kind of questions you were answering?
Are you cold or are you chum-tested?
You reacted to the environment by changing your wardrobe?
You fucking asshole!
Oh!
What a moron!
I just, I didn't, was it raining harder than I realized?
Hey, Paula, it'd be fine to raincoat, wear a raincoat, I just, I didn't, was it raining harder than I realized?
Hey, Paula, it'd be fine to raincoat, wear a raincoat, even if it wasn't raining harder
than you personally realized.
Right.
It's an acceptable thing to wear
at the slightest fucking drizzle.
Right.
It's a raincoat, you don't go to jail for wearing it
if it's not even raining.
Also, in Los Angeles, I'm getting my fucking money's worth.
Yeah. You know, here's what I'm getting my fucking money's worth. Yeah.
You know, here's what I'm getting from our whole interaction.
We're all on edge.
All right.
Paula, first question is to you.
After President Trump announced that he'll be attending this week's Super Bowl in New Orleans, the NFL announced it would remove what phrase from the end zone?
What phrase from the end zone? Yeah. I didn't know there was a phrase like written in the
end zone. Written in the end zone. I think Andy knows. Andy, go ahead. End racism. That's
correct. The phrase is on the Super Bowl field since 2020. It will be replaced by the phrases, choose love,
and it takes all of us to do what?
Not end racism.
Not end racism.
Wow, I didn't even know what it said.
I think the point is racism's over.
It's evident, it's over.
It's resolved.
Oh yeah, yeah, that's the whole, you know.
You know, of course I don't believe that, folks.
No, it's crazy.
No, there's no other supreme.
Yeah, it used to say right on the end zone,
and I think it was on helmets for a while, too.
Really?
Yeah, and racism.
I had no idea.
Yeah, yeah.
It's a good suggestion, honestly.
You know, just on a to-do list,
that you just, a floating one that you keep going.
Andy stole that one, so I'm gonna go back to you, Paula.
After the white supremacist group,
the Proud Boys defaulted on a $2.8 million settlement
against them, a judge awarded the Metropolitan African
Methodist Episcopal Church of Washington, D.C.
the trademark to what?
The name the Proud Boys, wasn't it?
That's correct.
Yeah, I don't know why they'd want it.
Oh, wow.
Now they can give it to the onion or something.
Andy, which one of these was not an action taken by Google this week?
Was it A, abandon the diversity hiring goals, B, remove their 2018 pledge not to use AI
in the development of weapons surveillance or any technologies that cause or are likely
to cause overall harm, C, give Elon Musk an honorary non-voting seat on their board, or
D, all of the above?
Oh, boy. Well I know it's the first one but the other two I'm not sure of because the news is
too painful to really focus on it these days. How was the question phrased? Which thing did they not do?
Which did happen. Which didn't happen. Oh didn't happen. Oh, didn't happen. Oh, golly.
I think the Elon Musk thing.
That's correct.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
They did not give Elon Musk an honorary board seat.
Good thing you clarified, because I was going the wrong way.
Yeah, I saw that.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
This is from the...
It's the raincoat.
The raincoat blocks my vision.
The visor.
Yeah, yeah.
The grotton's fish stick stick hat came down over your eyes.
When you see someone wear sunglasses at night, you must just shit a brick.
This is from the memo announcing the end of Google's DEI goals written by the chief people
officer of Google's parent company, Alphabet, as reported by Reuters.
Here's the quote.
In 2020, we said said aspirational hiring goals focused
and focused on growing our offices outside California and New York to improve representation,
but in the future we will no longer have aspirational goals.
Tough quote. Yeah. Paul, over to you. According to a study conducted by researchers at the
University of Richmond and published last week in Science Advances, rising temperatures associated
with climate change reportedly caused an explosion of what in cities?
An explosion of what in cities?
Heat, explosion of, I don't know, pigeons.
Ah, so close, so close.
So close, rats.
Rat births.
Oh, yeah, well.
Rising temperatures and increasingly dense
urban populations seem to boost rat populations. Yeah.
So it's not all bad news.
So it's not all bad news.
No.
Yeah.
No, but the prices are going up for a lot of those rats.
Yeah, yeah.
Rat eggs, man.
Through the roof.
Yeah, this is a kitchen table issue for a lot of rat families.
The garbage. I can't afford garbage anymore.
Yeah.
Sitting at their little spools.
It's a kitchen spool issue for the rats.
Their cute little homes.
Yeah, they're gross.
Andy, as reported by the Washington Post,
which of the following words was not a word reportedly flagged
to the National Science Foundation by the Trump administration to trigger a review if present in an active science research project.
Was it a historically be disability?
See woman or were all of those words on the list?
I'm going to say all of them.
They were.
They were all were all I mean the other two are like, of course those dumb-dumbs did that but historically is just that's just
Stupid but okay. Yeah, they're probably yeah because history
Is problematic I just
If you I just would like if you're studying anything
It's probably in the past.
Yes.
Because it is very difficult to conduct research
in the future.
Right.
And the present is infinitely short.
Right, right, yep.
Do you think there's gonna come a time,
like I think like kids in school now,
like history is so much longer than it was
when we were in school.
It is.
Don't you think there's going to come a time where you're just going to say,
okay, we're going to turn over all the cards.
Maybe they're right. Maybe they're right not to want to gather history and study history anymore.
You mean like clean slate?
Yeah, exactly. Just two fucking months. That's enough.
Presidency is day one.
Yeah, like we're renewing our vows.
Yeah.
You know, fresh start.
Yeah, sort of like that.
Yeah, yeah.
Paula, since April, H5N1 has killed millions of hens, driven up egg prices, reduced milk
output, and killed 70 people nationwide.
This week, cattle in Nevada were diagnosed with yet another concerning illness, an illness
never before seen in cattle.
What was that illness?
I believe it was bird cattle. What was that illness?
Uh, I believe it was a... it was bird flu.
It was. It was a second strain of bird flu.
A second bird flu has hit the cows.
Oh, my God.
I think...
I'm sorry.
Just skip breakfast. That's what I say. Sorry.
Just skip breakfast.
That's what I say.
I don't understand the whole egg thing.
You mean just enjoying them?
I don't eat eggs anymore.
I stopped eating eggs a while ago.
Just because I don't want to bother chickens.
They're not bothered.
They leave them behind.
They get rid of it and then they're like,
I'm done with that and I'm on my way, you know?
No, but they're not on their way very far.
They're in captivity.
If you pay more money for the chickens,
ideally they'll get a little bit away from them.
Do you eat chicken?
No.
Oh.
I try not to eat anything that were it alive would rather I didn't.
Right.
That's an interesting question.
That's a, I think that's philosophically.
Which do I not eat first, the chicken or the egg?
I think I heard on the radio coming in, by the way, uh, great location here.
Uh, you might.
This is the part of the show where you talk about how you happen.
You know what?
You might want to see if you could guess what you're talking about.
You might want to see if you could guess what you're talking about.
You might want to see if you could guess what you're talking about.
You might want to see if you could guess what you're talking about.
You might want to see if you could guess what you're talking about.
You might want to see if you could guess what you're talking about.
You might want to see if you could guess what you're talking about.
You might want to see if you could guess what you're talking about.
You might want to see if you could guess what you're talking about.
You might want to see if you could guess what you're talking about.
You might want to see if you could guess what you're talking about. You might want to see if you could guess what you're talking about. You might want to see if you could guess what you're talking about. You might want to see if you could guess what you're talking about. You might want This is the part of the show where you talk about
how you happen, you know what?
You might wanna see if you could get some sort of a theater
in California, that's all I'm saying.
Paula.
Why do you live like next door to here?
I just wanna be clear, you don't eat eggs,
so you don't understand how anyone eat eggs.
You don't live here-
No, no, no, no, that's not what I mean.
I can see how you interpret it that way, that's not what I mean. I can see how you interpret it that way.
That's not what I mean.
No, the location thing I'm right on.
But the eggs.
No, but the eggs, no, what I don't understand
is why if eggs are so expensive,
don't people just stop eating eggs?
That's what I don't understand.
Just don't eat them.
Well, they're in a lot of stuff.
Yeah.
And they're also wonderful.
And they're-
Right?
Yeah, boy, somebody's working for the old egg lobby,
aren't they?
I just believe in hope and potential.
Yeah, it is.
And it's a symbol of such.
Yeah, yeah.
No, I love eggs.
Eggs are great.
Yeah, I've recognized you now.
You're that guy from the commercial, the guy in the raincoat with the egg in his hand. Yeah, yeah. Right, right love eggs. Eggs are great. Yeah, I've recognized you now. You're that guy from the commercial,
the guy in the raincoat with the egg in his head.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Right, right, right.
That's right.
A wonderful egg.
The egg perv.
That's my character name.
Sneaking in.
Yeah, yeah.
You'll never guess where this has been.
Ha, ha, ha, ha.
Has.
I can't believe the-
In a chicken.
That's the punchline. It was actually like- The switcheroo. A lot of people thought the egg council wouldn't go for that character, but they were pretty
cool people.
They really did, yeah.
They were edgy.
They were edgy.
They are not paying me for it, which I find odd, and I've got my lawyer on it, but I'm
still doing them.
I'm still doing those ads.
Yeah.
Well, you know what?
It's where your heart is.
It sure is.
Andy, the question is to you.
Yes.
Finally, just weeks out of office,
former President Joe Biden signed an important new deal.
What was that deal?
Oh, he signed with an agency.
Was it UTA?
No.
CAA?
Yep.
CAA.
He signed with CAA.
Here we have a clip from Trump with Trump responding.
You got to be kidding.
He signed on with a talent agency?
I think he's got bigger problems than that.
I really do. I think he's got much bigger problems than that, but I wish him well.
Oh yeah.
Well why is signing on with CAA a problem?
I don't think it's a problem. I do think that the moment seems a little dissonant as we slowly descend into a kind of fascism.
Oh absolutely. You know what? Oh absolutely.
And he's like, come gonna get in the talkie game
it's not the best call, you know? I think it's fine, he did, you know what, he worked his ass off
he did what he could
and why should he have to
I think it's fine
why not get a reality show?
The Real Housewives of Rehoboth.
Yeah.
I don't know why he shouldn't, you know,
people do speaking things.
Well, I know, but I mean, but he could have waited a little.
Well, I guess the clock is ticking.
Uh, but no, but it does seem a little undignified.
Why?
They all do spooky things.
This is where you're not judging?
What an experience it's been.
Andy puts on a raincoat, you can't make sense of it,
Joe Biden signs with CAA, and you're like, checks out.
I just think it's fine.
He can twist for his, he gets paid to go make speeches.
You know, I think that's fine.
Are you deciding not to ask a lot of these questions?
Well, we've just, we've just, we've,
I've actually gone through a lot of them,
but I was trying to think of one question
to end this segment on, and here's my question.
What is your favorite Super Bowl snack, Paula?
I don't watch the Super Bowl.
But if you were, what would be your favorite snack
during it?
Uh, okay. Uh, ooh, probably Ruffles potato chips. Watch the Super Bowl? But if you were, what would be your favorite snack during it? OK.
Probably Ruffles potato chips.
OK, like the Ruffles, like the Ridges.
Andy, what's your favorite Super Bowl snack?
Nachos.
Yeah, the best.
Oh, nachos.
I could live on them.
I mean, I wouldn't live long on them, but I could live on them.
We're here for a good time, not a long time.
Yeah, that's right.
I like nachos.
Thank you so much, Paula and Andy.
Paula is at the Alex Theater on February 8th,
and you can stream Nobody Listens to Paula Poundstone
and The Three Questions with Andy Richter
wherever you get your podcast.
Plus, the Andy Richter call-in shows every Wednesday
on SiriusXM at 1 o'clock.
We did it together.
I joined you.
It was such a blast.
He was a guest host, and it was a blast.
We had such a good time.
When we come back, we're more than just a petty face.
Hey, don't go anywhere.
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You can pre-order Woodworking wherever you like to get books and if you're in LA, join
me and Emily for a conversation
and book signing at Skylight Books on Friday, March 7th,
crooked.com slash books.
And please welcome Jason Isaacs back to the stage.
He's back.
I brought this.
You're looking a little shiny on the monitor.
I don't know.
Unbelievable.
Hi.
Hello.
Hello. I don't care. Just. Oh there he is. He's over there. Hello, hello, hello, hello.
I don't care.
Just mop it, just mop it down.
I got it.
Jason Isaacs, you are a villain.
You said he was looking a little dewy before,
I thought, is that right?
No, I didn't say that.
I thought he said that.
That's what it sounded like back there.
No, that's what I heard too, right?
Andy and Paul were like, that guy looks a little dewy.
And I was like, what? Yeah, they're like, that guy looks a little Jewy. And I was like, what?
Yeah, they're like, yeah, you're a sweaty little Jew.
That was what I heard.
Am I crazy?
Now it's time for a segment we call,
Petty is the head that wears the crown.
Look, this is a moment of big complaints and big problems.
But in this segment, each of us is going to share
for one minute a tiny, tiny complaint.
The goal will be to share the smallest complaint
because the pettiest complaint will win.
We will rank them, okay? Okay.
And so let's see who has.
And it's a complaint, just in general in life.
But whatever you want.
The smaller the better.
OK.
First up, Jason.
Oh, there's so many things that bother me.
Some English, you may not have noticed that.
But when I'm in America, when I order tea, as I do in a restaurant,
I go, can you put the bag in the water before it boils?
And they go, sure.
And then they always bring the fucking water
with the bag next to it, and they go,
we have a choice of bags, sir.
And I go, I talk to you to put the water in the bag,
and it makes me want to actually stick a fork
in their eye, always.
Wow.
It's a source of tremendous fury for me.
So I'm a coffee person, it's a coffee country.
So they're coffee.
Ouch.
No, it's not, it's just a reality.
I don't know tea culture.
So you need to put the bag in the water when it's hot, not when it's lukewarm when it comes
to the table.
It's got a steep in the water.
But it just doesn't, never gets as good?
No, it's not tea. It's some kind of urine colored dish water. But it just doesn't, never gets as good? No, it's not tea. It's some kind of urine colored,
I don't know what, dish water.
Do you put cream in your tea or milk?
No, because I'm a vegan.
How do you know someone's a vegan?
Because they tell you.
And yeah.
You're a vegan?
That's why, I'm a vegan.
Paul doesn't eat eggs.
I put milk in there, almond, I know.
I, the whole egg debate, I heard that.
More for me, I say.
Vaccinated.
That's right. You know, make French toast too. The whole egg debate I heard back there. More for me, I say. Fascinating.
That's right.
You know, make French toast too.
Do you ever have French toast? That's all I got.
I do, I'm just now thinking of the eight million
other funnier things I could have said
than other than tea bag,
but I'll get them in the car on the way home.
Go ahead, come on.
Our suitcases were around forever,
and somehow in about 1990, someone went,
you know what, let's put two wheels on a suitcase.
Fucking great.
And about 10 years later, someone went,
fucking, let's put four wheels on a suitcase.
What took so long?
It's a wheel.
I know.
Isn't that shocking?
I remember when I was a kid,
I just remember it was like, suitcases.
You gotta buy a little crate, a little pull thing
when you want a family trip.
You gotta get one of those things
because Dad had wheels on it.
A porter.
Yeah, like one of those things.
And you just traveled with that.
And then somebody was like, there's a better way.
But why did it take until the late 90s?
Why did they put two wheels on
and then sometime later someone else went,
oh my God, let's put a third wheel on.
And then five years later someone,
you know what, stick a fourth wheel on the other corner
and they'll fucking stand up by themselves.
I think it has something to do with the wheel finally
coming into the public domain.
Yes, you could be right.
Paula, you're up next.
What's your tiniest complaint of the day?
Oh, boy.
Well, there's a lot. When the ziplock bag, you know, which I try,
you know, I reuse my ziplock bags, I rinse them and reuse them. But when they, if you get the kind
that aren't, the ziplock is not quality and you have to like keep redoing it, redoing it, and then you go to put the thing in the freezer
and it's still not, right?
And then you read, just that really gets you.
It gets you.
Have you seen the ones that have the slider now?
You gotta get the ones with the slider.
You know about that, right?
Yeah.
Has that hit you?
I think we, I occasionally do have that kind.
It's the better kind, It's a higher quality kind.
The other thing, okay, wait, I know,
but along the same lines of plastic bags,
when, because, you know, I sift my litter boxes
and I sift them into a trash bag.
And sometimes when you can't, like,
there's no way of separating the two halves
of the trash bag.
That can take hours.
That stinks.
I'm sorry that's happening to you.
You know, the most effective way of doing it
is having like damp fingers.
Right.
And so you may never have struggled with this.
Unbelievable.
Unbelievable.
Unbelievable. Unbelievable. Unbelievable.
Unbelievable.
Wow.
I have a big complaint about tonight.
Can I piggyback on that?
Yes.
Just on trash bags and plastic bags, the times in my,
I think the times in my life when
I have wanted to murder someone the most, where after I get home
after buying trash bags and then find out their scent.
Oh, that is the worst.
Oh my, who's fucking, what evil fucking monster
thinks like, you know what, I want your garbage
to smell like a nursing home. You know?
I'm so glad you brought this up.
It's so important.
The fucking scented garbage bags are disgusting.
Disgusting.
I don't think I want my garbage to,
even if it smelled good, I think it's a bad idea.
I would like nothing from this bag.
Yes.
Because it's like, how are things so bad right now in this garbage situation
that it's not so bad that you're taking it to the street right or to the to the
fucking shoot
buttoned but
you but also
uh... you need to have a sense coming out of it to hide the stench here i have
the garbage in what's going on what is the point of time
where you need
the scented garbage bag?
Because you put the fucking garbage bag in the garbage can,
the idea is you get it out of your way,
then you briefly experiencing it
when you're taking the garbage out,
and then it's on the fucking street
or wherever you take your garbage.
You're never living around these fucking bags.
No.
It's stupid.
It's stupid.
What if it's raining?
What if it's a horrible rainy day,
you don't wanna take it outside, you don't have a rain also, that bag. It's stupid. What if it's raining? What if it's a horrible rainy day? You don't want to take it outside.
You don't have a raincoat, you know.
And you go, I got to put up with it for a little bit long
until the rain stops, but I can't stand the smell.
I wish I had some kind of sickening strawberry thing
over the top of it.
Guys, I think we have ourselves a centi.
Yeah.
Yeah.
That's absolutely right.
That's right. I've never heard of a centi go,. That's absolutely right. That's right.
I've never heard of a centi girl.
I'm quite excited.
I'm gonna buy some to take back to England.
Oh my God.
And sometimes you can't find ones that aren't centi.
I think that a garbage bag.
God, I love America.
A garbage bag should be a blank, like a blank slate.
A blank canvas on which your week's experiences
can be relived on the way to the trash.
That's right.
Oh, right.
We had quesadillas.
And you get the smell of decay, which is like regret
over so many ways.
I don't want GLAAD to tell me what to feel.
Well, if they had regret scented bags, I would get those.
I'd wear them.
I'd wear them.
Yeah, yeah.
I'd have a whole suit made out of them.
Oh, these?
Andy, do you have another complaint?
Well, I did have one loaded up.
And it's not, I mean...
Let it out. Yeah.
I'm a dog owner. I live in Pasadena.
You know, people leaving dog shit around,
like that's, of course, that's infuriating
and should be punishable by something.
And I do, it's the only reason-
Death is the only language that people understand.
It's the only reason that I'm for like CCTV everywhere.
Just to get people leaving dog shit.
Like I just think there should be a whole part of city
government just focused on that.
But the thing that gets me beyond that is that you go to
the trouble of picking it up.
And I'm not one of those people that says, don't put dog shit in my trash can.
It's a trash can, put your dog shit in there, I don't care.
But then they put it in the recycling or the yard waste.
You might as well throw it in the street.
Can I, I'm gonna ask a question.
Yes.
And you're passionate.
Yes.
And I love that.
If I have compostable poop bags, which I do,
and it's filled with poop, can I not put that in the-
A carnivore's poop is not compostable.
It doesn't go in the yard waste?
It does not.
Really? It's not manure?
It's not gray on soil and stuff?
No, it's the same way that you can't put human shit in there.
What? I get to-
It does not- Oh no!
Oh! Now we get why he needs scented bags!
Now, now Andy, in fairness, you're making a point that I-
I have to apologize to all of my neighbors now.
The reason-
He's out there again.
How does he prop himself up?
Yes, I would say that the reason I wasn't putting human waste in the yard waste bin
is not because I knew I couldn't, it's just simply that I wouldn't.
But when I thought, I genuinely am learning this from you on this stage, that I thought
because I went to the trouble of buying compostable bags, that that meant that green and black
were both acceptable places.
No, that poop is not.
I mean, of course, when it's mixed in with everything,
it's, you know, it's...
But it's technically not supposed to be compostable.
If you had a compost pile in your backyard,
you know, you could, like, I used to live
in an equestrian area of Burbank,
and there would be horseshit on the street,
and I'd put it in our compost pile,
because that's fantastic. They eat hay,
because they eat hay. They eat hay.
It's an herbivore. Oh.
But dog shit, you don't want to do it.
I'm a vegan, so I'm fine.
That's right. That's right.
All right. Just see him.
I'm a vegan. It's okay! The alarm is off.
Good.
Boy, you want to get that information out to the neighborhood watch?
What a fascinating thing to learn.
All right, here's my complaint.
My tiniest complaint is this.
If Nyquil and DayQuil in the bottles, DayQuil, you can take it every four to six hours.
Take it three times.
Maybe four times if you're nasty.
NyQuil, Max once, Max once, they are the same size bottle.
That does not make any sense whatsoever.
You never need the same amount of NyQuil as DayQuil.
I'm not, look, maybe there are sickos out there
that when they're sick.
NyQuil is not about need, sometimes it's about desire.
Well, that's what I was gonna say.
Maybe there are sickos out there that midday are just like,
I wanna go to La La Land, I'm taking a midday NyQuil.
But for the most part, you go DayQuil, DayQuil,
DayQuil, NyQuil, DayQuil, Day all day called a cold a cold a cold like what which means you
end up buying the fucking two-packers these three dollars cheaper by two-pack
exactly and then you and then you go into your drawer where you reorganize to
put all this up together because you realize during the pandemic that you had
six or seven years worth of this stuff most of which was expired once you all
got in one place and what do you end up with you up half bottle nightclub have
bought a lot you have a three-quarters with? You have half bottle Nyquil, half bottle, you have like three quarters bottle Nyquil,
half bottle Dayquil, three quarters bottle Nyquil,
half bottle Dayquil.
Well, it's a small complaint.
It's reasonable.
The only thing is is that Nyquil is the only one
that's a mixer.
That's true. Dayquil is not a mixer.
That's true, little ice, little vodka,
little ice, a maraschino. Right, exactly.
Something nice, maybe something bitter just to kind of call some friends
around, have a Nyquil party, and clear your back cloth.
But Nyquil just puts you to sleep, and then going to sleep.
Ah, not if you fight it.
Going to sleep.
I can tell.
Nyquil, it's just a little bit of antihistamine.
It's baby antihistamine.
Glug, glug, glug.
I'm fine with it.
I'm on it right now. All right, it's time to vote.
Who had the smallest complaint?
I'm gonna take myself out because I'm the host.
We have Paula, who complained about the Ziploc closure.
We have Andy, who also complained about the Ziploc closure.
No, I complained about scented garbage bags.
Sanded garbage bags?
But that was really just- An add-on. Yeah, I complained about scented garbage bags. Sanded garbage bags? But that was really just a-
An add-on.
Yeah, that was just a piggyback.
So we have zip lock bags, scented garbage bags.
No, mine, I want the dog shit.
Oh, yours was the dog shit.
Yeah, I want the dog shit in the recycling or the yard waste.
Yes, which was also educational.
And then we have Jason, who I'm gonna let you choose
whether you thought tea or the wheels
not being invented until the late 90s was pettier.
All right, who thinks the smallest complaint was Paula's?
Who thinks it was Andy's?
Wow.
I cannot come up with small complaints.
Every issue I have is huge.
You carry such authority, whatever you say.
Yeah, it was, it was powerful.
It changed hearts and minds.
Or is it Jason wondering why the tea isn't hot
and the wheels weren't present till the second?
Well, that's a combo.
It's never going to be small, is it?
You just multiply.
Yeah.
Wow.
I have to say, I think Jason takes it.
I think so.
He takes the petty crown.
And that's our show.
Thank you to Jason Isaacs, Paula Poundstone, Andy Richter.
We'll see you next week here at Dynasty.
There are 633 days until the midterms.
Have a great night and have a great weekend. Love it or Leave it is a Cricket Media production.
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