Lovett or Leave It - Xi’s Just Not That Into You

Episode Date: May 16, 2026

China blows smoke up Trump’s skirt, Rand Paul’s son gets hot under the collar, and Marco Rubio slips into something a little more comfortable. This week, Outlander star Sam Heughan and Lovett explore online fandom and only one survives. Hacks’ Caitlin Reilly sweeps us off our feet and into the distant past, and we all journey to cloud nine for a hilarious round of Second Thoughts.

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And Green Gaines Booster Mixers tastes like motivation. So what are you waiting for? Let's go. Booster Juice. Canadian-born blending since 1999. Hello, everybody. Welcome to Lovett and Leave It Live from Hollywood. I'm John Lovett, an Erdogan's 6, but a Gelson's 8. We've got a great show for you tonight. But first, let's get into it. What a week.

President Trump traveled to Beijing this week for a two-day summit with Chinese leader Xi Jinping. Said Secretary of State, Mark Arubio, before we land, sir, do you want to pull your eyelids apart and do the voice one more time just to get it out of your system? The president traveled with a crack team, including Rubio and Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth, along with Elon Musk, Tim Cook, the head of Black Rock, Brett Ratner, comedian Bert Kreischer, and conservative host Sean Hannity. Burke Kreischer wasn't on the trip. I'm making that up. Don't worry. A heartbroken. You were a heartbroken. No, he's not on it. You're good. You're good. You're good. You're good. He can still be a lovable oaf. You're fine. You're safe.

Trump's son Eric, a private citizen with business interest in China, is on the trip, along with his wife, Lara, she posted a selfie with the gang and the caption, Team China! Look at this party. I would rather be in the Donner Party. I would rather be on the Haunted Virus cruise right now than on the... That's a sincere. I would take my fucking chances on the Haantavirus ship than be in this table for 12 in Beijing.

This photo is the last thing of Beijing waiter sees before being sent out on a frantic search for, quote, normal food. Also accompanying Trump was Brett Ratner, the director of Rush Hour, who planned to use the trip to scout China for Rush Hour 4 locations. And this is normal. We all remember when President Obama traveled to Japan with Tom Selleck because he was pressing Jeffrey Katzenberg to fund a sequel to Mr. Baseball. Oh, you don't remember that because it's fucking insane?

Do you remember Mr. Baseball, the 1992 film where Tom Selleck, a baseball player, passed his prime, is traded to the Chinucci Dragons? Do you recall that the tagline for the film was, he's the biggest thing to hit Japan since Godzilla? Anyway, I cannot wait for the anti-woke but pro-China rush hour four, where Jackie Chan saves his daughter from a Tibetan separatist working for the CIA, and then she says her pronouns, and Chris Tucker says, I can't understand the words coming out of your mouth as the sun sets over the forbidden city. It's going to be beautiful.

Ratner's other recent credits include the Amazon documentary Melania and an appearance in a photo from the Epstein files. Truly disgusting as a visual. I don't even want to joke about it. And the Epstein photo is pretty bad too. Ratner is also reportedly scouting locations for the Melania sequel, Melania 2, Lost in Guangzhou. Now, how's you going to get home? One late addition to Trump's entourage was Jensen Huang, the CEO of NVIDIA, who reportedly got a call on Tuesday morning to join the trip with less than a day's notice.

Trump said it all came together at the last minute, and Jensen put on a brave face, but he's always felt like he wasn't totally included in the friend group. He knows there's a group chat with Elon and Larry Fink, but Jensen talked to his therapist about it, And like he could raise it, but then he's doing the thing where he brings the energy down. So he's just going to try to go on the trip and have a good time and try to get Trump NG to approve Nvidia chips being sold to China despite the incredible risk it poses to society. In addition to AI and trade, another issue on the agenda is Iran. Here's Sean Hannity and Trump discussing it.

China's support of Iran. How big a discussion was out today? We discussed it. I mean, when you say support, they're not fighting a war with us or anything. No. He said he's not going to give military equipment. That's a big statement. He said that today.

That's a big statement. He said that strongly. But at the same time, he said, you know, they buy a lot of their oil there, and they'd like to keep doing that. Continued Trump. But get this. He gave me a fortune cookie. And the message inside said, you're doing a great job, Mr. President. Isn't that amazing?

Like, what are the odds of that? Meanwhile, the New York Times reported on Wednesday that Chinese companies have been plotting to secretly sell arms to Iran, secret arm sales to Iran, to think Reagan and Noriega are up in heaven having a big laugh about this. Wait, what are you guys doing here, says Jimmy Carter. Yeah, God's a Republican, says Reagan. What about American politics in 2026 would suggest God isn't on our side? good point, said Ruth Bader Ginsburg from fucking hell. At a state banquet in Beijing, Trump had nothing but nice things to say about the Chinese leader. We're going to have a fantastic future together. Such respect for China, the job you've done, you're a great leader.

I say it to everybody, you're a great leader. And before you ask, Trump continued, Putin and I have something very special, but we're open. On his way into the hall, Trump was welcomed by children jumping up and down with bouquets of flowers. Wow, Trump said, I haven't seen this many performatively enthusiastic but terrified minors since we had a long debate about what the outlander audience that didn't know what this show was could handle. And I want everyone on this team to know that they were right there with me. They knew I was talking. They knew that I was talking about the Mickey Mouse Club.

You can see why Trump was so charmed. He never gets this kind of reception at home. American children don't have the cardio stamina. On the flight over, White House Communications Director Stephen Chung tweeted a photo of Marco Rubio posing in a gray Nike sweatsuit with the caption, Secretary Rubio rocking the Nike Tech Venezuela on Air Force One. Do you think they tried one?

Like, I think they tried one where his foot was kind of like up like this. But even they knew he couldn't pull that off, you know, that kind of like model lean thing. So they just posted this one. Also, and I'll just say like this is not the most important thing, but driving and photography are the only two activities that were all expected to do all the time without ever improving. Like, look at this fucking composition. Why are the feet cut off? Why are we angled like this?

You're in communications. No one cares about this anymore. We're all taking photos every, all day, every day. Learn to put together a fucking shot. I'm not saying it does have, everything doesn't have to be centered. Right? There can be angles. Make it intentional.

Make it deliberate. The sweatsuit is identical to the one worn by former Venezuelan President Nicholas Maduro in this January arrest photo. Exactly. Exactly. So let's look at these side by side. This is a great example of the difference between fashion and style. Sure, they're both in the same track suit, but Maduro actually took the time to style it with interesting accessories like a blindfold and handcuffs. It has a loose and relaxed fit. He looks comfortable in it. This is the difference between Maduro wearing a sweatsuit and a sweatsuit. suit wearing rubia. Speaking of people who can't see straight, William Paul, Senator Rand Paul's adult son, drunkenly confronted a congressman Mike Lawler at a D.C. bar this week,

while Lawler was in the middle of an interview with a political reporter. Bad luck for William. A political reporter at a bar in Washington, what are the odds? Paul told Lawler that if Congressman Thomas Massey loses his primary next week. It will be because of your people. Lala replied, my people. Paul answered, yeah, you Jews. Yes, Loller then asked, do you think I'm Jewish? I'm not. To which Paul responded, oh, wow, I'm so sorry for calling you a Jew. The journalist, Reese Gorman from Notice, documented the entire exchange, even though you know he was distracted by a raging scoop boner.

I don't understand being so drunk that you think Mike Lawler is Jewish. I do understand being so drunk that you think Mike Lawler is Zoran Mamdani. Paul then went on what Lawler called a 10-minute tirade in which he said he hates Jews and gays, didn't care if they die. He then gave Lawler the middle finger, apologized for being really drunk, and tripped over a barstool as he left. Brutal, almost managed to get out of there without embarrassing himself. The next day, Paul apologized. He announced he was seeking help for a drinking problem.

Alcohol, of course, does not make you an anti-Semite. A high APV doesn't mean Adolf by volume. Like when I drank too much in my early 20s and yelled at my ex-boyfriend on the streets of D.C., you're making the biggest mistake of your life. I actually did that. I actually stood outside a bar and yelled, you're making the biggest mistake of your life. Now, I believe that in the moment. The six tequila sodas I had just made it an outside thought. I also did shout that I didn't care if all the gays lived or died, but that was the hurt talking.

That was, that was the hurt talking. Speaking of painful endings, the late show with Stephen Colbert will air its final episode next week. Very sad. It's safe to assume Colbert will launch some kind of podcast after that, and then, Stephen, you're in my house, bitch. and it's a genuine thrill to have you. Seth Myers, John Oliver, and the Jimmy's Kimmel and Fallon appeared on Colbert Monday to say goodbye, and in a gesture of late-night solidarity, Kimmel and Fallon will both air reruns

on the evening of the 21st. And for those asking, I too will refrain from airing a new episode on network television that night because I have such admiration for Stephen Colbert and for no other reasons. Stephen actually had John. John Tommy and I on a bunch of times, and it never stopped feeling like we had won a contest

or been victims of a prank, a wonderful, wonderful prank. It's a coincidence that Trump came down the escalator, actually between Letterman's last show and Colbert's first show, but Letterman's irony and Midwestern stoicism gave way to Colbert's more empathetic and joyful version of a late night show. At the exact moment, our politics became more vicious

and inhumane. We are surrounded by terror terrible stewards, craven people who have scraped and crawled and battled and sold their souls to win control of institutions, they don't give a fuck about. That's true of Trump when he tears down the East Wing or tears down the barrier between the Department of Justice in the White House. It's true of members of Congress who refuse to hold Trump accountable, but it's true of corporate titans too, like the executives who saw networks and studios and newspapers as these prestigious bibles. But when tested, once they own them, they did not understand or care why these institutions mattered in the first place. These are people who lack the respect or imagination to see a part of our culture as anything

other than a political headache or a line on a ledger. Stephen Colbert has been a phenomenal steward. And I just want to thank Stephen for his most valuable and important act of service putting me on television. And finally, experts are warning against a new kind of looks maxing called. ball maxing. This is when men injects saline into their balls until they inflate to the size of grapefruits. First of all, who are these experts? And second, who are they to tell me what to do with my balls? Where do they get the balls? I'd rather be dead with giant balls than alive with the

two calamata olives God gave me. But all jokes aside, men's obsession with their bodies is getting out of control. It is breaking new ground, specifically the sidewalk when those bad boys hit the pavement on my way to work. All right, we've got a great show for you tonight. And if he's still here, we'll be right back with Sam Hewann. Hey, don't go anywhere. There's more of Love It or Leave It coming up. This episode is sponsored by Better Help Life is a lot sometimes regardless of what's keeping you up at night or leaving you overwhelmed. It's easy to feel like you have to figure it all out on your own. But you don't have to face these challenges alone, having someone to listen, to understand, and to support you. can make all the difference. That's where BetterHelp comes in. Better Help

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Sundays for dogs.com slash love at 50 or use code love at 50 at checkout. And we're back. Sam Hewen will be gracing our stage in just a moment. But first, CricketCon is back. November 5th through 7th in Washington, D.C. Cricket con comes just days after the midterms. And we will have a lot to learn and a lot to do to get ready for the next two years. Will we be celebrating triumphantly?

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Please welcome to the stage. from the incredible stars historical romance Outlander, and then, because of that, from your dreams, it's the incredible Sam Hewan. Hi, nice to me. Hi, hi. Hi. Hi.

Thanks for having me. Hello. Is it humbling to have people wait out online to see you starting in the middle of the night? Oh, look, I think... Or do you know in your heart you deserve it? Yes. If you don't, you're not worthy.

No, it's been incredible. You know, our show, Outlander has been supported by our fans for the last 12 years, longer really, because the books have been out much longer. And our fans from the day one have been so supportive. And just to see them here today, but also wherever we go,

whatever we're doing, whether we're promoting the show or other projects as well. It's been incredible. So we thank them for their support. We're really, really grateful. They love you. Now, your name, Sam, after Samwise Gamji.

Oh. Is that right? Well, am I following from Mississippi? No, I mean, don't believe everything you read on the internet, but actually it's, it is true. My mom sometimes will deny it and sometimes we'll, we'll agree that that's true. My brother was named after an elf for all the rings. Kierden is his name.

She calls me Sam Wise. My name on my birth certificate is Sam, but yeah, my parents were hippies. There was a lot of weed smokes back in those days, I think. So you're being a little bit evasive, but that's okay. It's my mom's fault. She's not clear about it. if it's Christmas Day and she's had a few glasses of whiskey, she'll absolutely admit to it.

Wow. Yeah, I'll just, she'll be calling me later. Like, why did you say? It's Sam wise. It's not. It's Sam. Spoil the final episode of Outliner. Okay.

The final episode, which is airing tomorrow. We are, well, tonight. Yes, at midnight. Okay. Is it nine here? Look, I'm still on UK time or wherever else I'm from. I got to tell you something. Put this group of ladies in charge of the Pentagon.

I feel like... Yeah. Have a little bit of a better go of it. They're on the logistics. They are. They are. Nine o'clock tonight. And I can't tell you the end.

I'm sorry. I can't. But it's been very emotional. Today has been actually surprisingly emotional. We've been doing a lot of press talking about it. And I was just in the Star's office. And we said goodbye to... you know, everyone that's worked behind the scenes there.

And I wanted to thank them, but also a cast and crew. But yeah, I was, I was teary-eyed today because it's weird. It's weird after 12 years to be saying goodbye to people that you've worked with. Isn't like big transitions like that? There's this weird kind of quiet kind of feeling to it. You know, it's like a different kind of sadness. You know, you're not like overcome with emotion. There's like, you kind of can hear the kind of static of life a little bit more while things are ending.

You know, do you know what I'm talking about when I say that? You know what I mean? When you hear the static, where it's so quiet, like it's super quiet, like negative quiet, because something's ending? Maybe you have watched the final episode. I don't know. Because there is a bit of hocus pocus in there.

But I think, look, I think it is sadness, but it's, you know, thankfulness and gratitude. You know, it's been a real moment. I have to look back to when I first came to L.A. And, you know, I've been coming here for years. I, a jobbing actor, and I went everywhere by bus. I couldn't drive. I went to my auditions, you know, sitting on the back of the bus with piles of scripts.

And I never in my wildest dreams, I imagined or had a fantasy about being in a show like this. But to actually, for it to come to fruition has been really incredible. Did you ever get a driver's license? Oh, I now can drive, apparently. Oh, cool. Yeah, actually, I drive a motorbike here, which is the way to go. There's never traffic on a motorbike. Are you an organ donor?

Yes. You will have all my organs. I'm fine, as long as you check that box. Yeah. Is that too much? Thanks. How many people here are angry to learn that he's riding around on a motorcycle? Wow.

One. God. Oh, thank you. You support riding a motorcycle? They all want some organs. Because he looks hot? Wow. Ride fast die young, right? Okay.

So you recently recorded... Yes. As a... You voiced a Scottish groundkeeper. in a romance called Three Days in Galloway for the Quinn Audio Erotic app. Have you ever masturbated to an audiobook? Only my own. Have you?

No, no, I sincerely... And I will. I haven't had the pleasure. I remember if there were thought to try, I would admit if I had, I don't think is any shame in it. I'm just sort of an interesting... It says, not how I use Audible, you know? Yeah. I...

This is a podcast, isn't it? For sure. I wonder if anyone ever masturbated to love it? I don't know. It's always a first, right? Yeah, the question is, is there anyone out there who loves the sound of my own voice more than I do?

What kind of erotic character do you think I could voice? Ah, now we're talking. Well, if I'm the groundskeeper, then, I don't know, you're like the gardener. I don't know. Wow. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, you know. Yeah, I can pick them. That's good. It's like, boy, it's hot out here. One of us should probably take our clothes off. Yeah. It's pretty much how it goes. Pretty much how it goes.

All right, Sam, you are handsome man who plays an even more handsome one on TV. Obviously, you've read Thirst tweets about yourself before, but tonight we want to put a spin on an old classic in a segment we're calling two sex symbols here from their biggest fans. Here's that it works. I'm going to read comments we found about you online. And you're going to read comments we found about me online. Okay.

Just to note, these comments genuinely represent, on average, the comments we are both getting. Our first comment is from Reddit. Is it normal for me to dream about one person that I will never meet? Apart from his good looks, he seems like a sweet person. Love his smile. Oh, that's lovely. On what, Reddit? On what, Reddit?

Yeah. Oh, okay. Yeah. Comment about Love It over on Twitter. It used to be a fun place. Someone had to say this John Lovett Honestly crazy how talentless you are

Keep shooting for the stars a little buddy Harsh Rooting for me This one's from Instagram About your Quinn story I'm sorry I can't hear you Sam Huyn My ovaries are clapping so loudly Clap clap clap emoji

Wow what does that actually sound like Someone said this about Lovett on Reddit The whole reason I like Love It is the easy to push around energy he puts out. Oh, now I feel like sorry for you. Here's a nice sentiment from Twitter. Sam Hewin could read me a Japanese toilet brochure and I'd still get wet wink.

A Japanese toilet brochure? Brosure, yeah. Which would presumably just be the same as a brochure in any language but just in Japanese. Yeah, or is I know a Japanese toilet? Oh, it could be a Japanese toilet brochure. Yeah, because they wash you. I love them. Oh, fantastic, life-changing.

Yeah. We could talk about it. I could talk about it all day. Yeah. I've given them as gifts. I've got several. Not from you, but I have. Right.

I think it's a little bit of an... That's a really... That's a wonderful place. No, not the full toilet. Like the one you put on the... Like the replacement lid for someone with already a toilet. It's a very intimate gift to someone because it's like, here, this is a present for you to use, you know, when you're in repose. But the...

But it's life-changing, I find. You know, it can... People think it doesn't just make a good day a little bit better. It turns a terrible day into a fine day. A very clean day. Yeah, I mean, when I was in Japan, I spent hours on one. It would, like, massage you. You could, like, watch TV.

It, like, blows a little air. My favorite part is how it washes my asshole. Oh, yeah. Oh, it does that, too. Cheers. Little applause from pockets of true believers. So, I have another one here. Yeah.

Uh, watching this on YouTube. Uh, Love it is my favorite of the PSA guys, but dude needs to really back off on the Botox. Oh. It's hard.

He carries on to be a comedian. If half your face doesn't move. That is... Which half? Left or right. That is so unfair. Look at how angry I can look. It's got like a,

I got a tiny bit of Botox one time and these fucking assholes come out of the woodwork. But wait, I see wrinkles there. Yeah. There are wrinkles there. Pughan. Unbelievable. Yeah.

There are wrinkles there. All right. Here's another one. This is from YouTube. One of the most handsome men in the world, I read all the Outlander books before watching the show, and I have to say that Sam is for the first time

ever in my life the perfect fit for a character in a book I've read. It's like they pulled him out of my imagination and cast him. I drooled through the whole show, not lying. This is unfair. He's part of it. And there's nothing wrong with that.

I'm loki excited to see his next form, though. This comment is on Reddit's post titled, Does John Lovett have Tourette? Oh, wow. Don't, wouldn't mind if I did. Nothing wrong with it. Nothing wrong with it. Finally.

Love it is just a fat head wanting the life. To people really hate you? What's going on here? A small sub. People do. That one I now will remember forever. Love it is just a fat head wanting the life. That is like a poem. That's beautiful. Fuck. This one's from YouTube. Sam Hewin for the new James Bond.

Now, this one, my last one here, says, re-survivor. So they got the least fuckable person of an already largely unfuckable podcast group. Wow. Tommy John and Dan caught some strains on that one. You were voted off first. I was voted off first. Sorry to bring that up. No, no, it's fine.

I'm fine about it. Yeah. Would you go back? Yeah. Yeah. I would go back because I don't feel as though I... I don't feel as though I didn't get the experience. I feel like I didn't get the experience because I only missed the three dinners.

You know, you can't only miss three dinners. They brought out the scale to weigh me at the end. It was like, I didn't lose that much weight. So you just went there for... To lose... Yeah, it was sort of a kind of a stupid detox. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. It's a long way to go for that, but I hear you. Let's vote you back on. Either that or maybe you could be like, I don't know, the next mayor of, what is it, you guys are having soon? The mayor of California. Yeah, mayor of Los Angeles. Los Angeles, yeah, right.

No, that would be such a fun job for me, for sure. Until they vote you off. Until, yeah, I feel like I have the same electoral problems as I did in tribal council. All right. Sam, thank you so much. It's been soap on. The final season of Outlander is now available only on Stars. When we come back, Caitlin Riley.

Oh, come on. Hey, don't go anywhere. There's more of Love It or Leave It coming up. Love It or Leave It is brought you by AG1. What's keeping you busy right now? Oh, man, so many things. And, you know, your health can take a backseat, but not when you have something like AG1 there

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You love her. I'm afraid she's going to do an impression of me after she leaves. It's a hilarious. Caitlin Riley. Hi. Good to see you. Thank you for being here. Hi.

Hello. How are you? Welcome to the. Welcome to the couch. Hello. Hi, Galen. Good to see you. Good to see you, too.

John. It's John, right? Yeah, it's John. You got it. Sam? Yes. Okay. Yes.

You are in season two of hacks. Yeah. And now you're back in season five. Yeah. Can you believe it? What happened in the Interregnum? How'd you get back on? I bullied the creators of the show after I was in season two to have me back.

And they listened. So, yeah. That's cool. Thank you guys. Thank you so much. And you were saying you wrote a note and then wrapped it on a brick and then threw it through it. Yeah, I showed up to their house. They kept bringing the doorbell and then I'd hide behind a bush. Right. You know what? People don't know what it takes anymore. No, they don't know what it takes.

It's a good way, isn't it? Yeah. To make it in Hollywood. Yeah, yeah, I think so. Yeah, absolutely. But no, I would see Paul Downs and Lucci Aniella or Jan Staski as well are the creators of the show. And so whenever I would see them at an event, I'd be like, Listen, you guys should really like have me back, right? And they would politely be like, oh, yeah, okay. And then beeline to the other end of the party, but they listen. They brought me back, so.

That's cool. Yeah, lucky me. It's important to really bully people. Yeah. Get what you want. Whatever. It's a good lesson. Yeah.

It's a good lesson. Now, you are known to a lot of people as someone who makes incredibly funny videos on TikTok. John, stop. You do these amazing important. impressions. You have a rock solid Australian accent. Thank you. It's hard, isn't it? It's so easy for me. Really? Yeah.

I find it really hard Australia. No, it's really easy for me. Wow. Yeah. Sorry, carry on. No, no, I'm curious about it. So, what accents do you struggle with? Because all of them? Really?

Even my own, I think. Well, so, because a lot of Australians find it easy to do an American accent. And then there are kind of British actors that I find, they can, can do an American accent, but then they are playing the character of the American where really the best they can do is make their mouth in the shape of an American, and then it just is pretty, that's it. Like it's like, we have to do surgery on them. Yeah.

Oh no, I'm afraid the barbecue isn't going to be ready in time. Where is my mother? Yeah, that's what they can do. They just start to sound like Syria a little bit. That's so funny. Can you do it right now? Do it right now. Oh, God.

What actually is even better is Americans doing British or even Scottish. Scottish is really... Scottish is really hard. Because it's hard, right? Yeah. And we use all the sounds in the mouth. And I think that's really fun to hear Americans. Because it can go anywhere.

It normally ends up sounding sort of, I know, Indian or something, doesn't it? Oh, yeah. Oh, wow. I mean, all my accents kind of end up sounding Indian. Mm. Oh. Racist. Hey, at least there's one country that, like, really likes my accents.

Yeah, there's one country that likes your accents. Can you do your American accent right now? Can you say, we have to go to the store now? If you're doing Scottish. Okay. You go first? You go first. No, you go first.

I asked. Let's do at the same time. Okay. Well, that doesn't make sense. Okay. Okay, I'll go first. I'll do my Scottish. We have to go to the store.

Thank you. Yeah. It was like kind of Northern English, like kind of a little bit London, but it... I wasn't asking for notes, but you did. No, no, no, but I... You just do yours. What I'm trying to say is you're moving... Don't deflect.

You're moving your way further north. You're on your way. You're getting close to Scotland. Okay. And what am I saying? And we have to go to the store now. We have to go to the store now. Okay.

I felt like an American was here. Okay. Yeah, it's like British meets, I don't know, Mid-Atlantic maybe. Mid-Atlantic. Yeah. News from the front. We have to go to the store.

Yeah. Right? Actually, that was good. British, yeah. Was that good, British? That was Mid-Atlantic. You're wrong. That was Mid-Atlantic. News from the front. We've got the Kaiser on the run. It's however, Catherine, Heaven and Heaven talks. Yeah, that's the Mid-Atlantic.

It's like this radio. The radio would talk like that. It's like, let's turn on the radio. Find out what's going on with our boys over there. Yes. Yeah. Don't clap for him. Bullying. I like it. Yeah. Yeah. I see it works. I'm the only woman here, so. Yeah. Now, you've watched Sam at work in Outlander. Let's admit it.

Let's admit it. You're a fan. I wouldn't say a fan. I have witnessed his work, yes. I feel like, I swear to God, I feel like Caitlin read the literal book, The Game, before coming out here. And you're peacocking with the dress,

you're being nagged, right? It's like, and then you're like going to leave me. Like, did he look back when I left? You have to just... Is he looking at me right now? No. It's pretty cool. It's cool to watch it work.

Yeah. No, I don't, I mean, I know that you're, I've seen you like around. So. It's the eye contact I like. Yeah. Your eyes are like kind of amazing. They're like bluey green. Oh my God, thank you so much.

That's so crazy. It's just like it's hereditary. So yeah. My mom's eyes were blue, like yours. I'm from here, actually. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Where are you from? North England?

No, like here in L.A. Oh, right. You're so silly, you don't listen. Back to me. Have you ever been to Scotland? No. Never been. We're going to go for Thanksgiving.

We are. The whole family are there. The whole family is going to go. Yeah, let's just play. You're going to Scotland for what holiday? Thanksgiving. American Thanksgiving. But you did go to Ireland.

I did go to Ireland, yes, which is the closest. thing to Scotland for me. Right? It's close. It's pretty close. Yeah. It's the same. We have a lot of...

It's pretty close. It's pretty similar. Well, yeah. I stop. Yes, I did go to Ireland and I spent four days in a van with, um, these, they're just like, I mean, they're my in-laws, but they're just like people. Like, it's not, like, it's not a big deal. Wait, you're in-laws?

No, it's not. I'm married, but it's not, like, it's like, it's fine. Is this going to be a... It's okay. It's okay. I am married. It's okay. It's not a big deal. But yes, I did go with my My husband's going to see this and be like, I'm leaving you.

I did, I went to Ireland. I spent four days in a van. My mother-in-law is, well, my husband's from Texas. Well, so, so my in-laws are from Texas, but they're like just good down-home people. and my mother-in-law is like, I want to, do the tours, you know, go to the cliffs of Moheir. So she put us in a tourist van. And so I met them there because I was actually,

I had to go to the premiere for hacks because of a working actress. And so I met my in-laws in Ireland and was in a van for four days. And by the fourth day, I was like, get me the fuck out of here. And so I did not go to the cliffs of Mohair, which my mother-in-law is still very upset about. Are they still there, like, looking for you?

The cliffs? No, you're in-laws. Um, um, um, no. No, they're not. No, they're like in their entire. I never talked to them. So it's like, I don't even know who they are. Um. So. I live alone. Nearby, I think you said. I'm very close. Yeah.

Yeah, if you want to see. So our producer, Kendra, she told me about this Scottish soda called Iron Brew. Yeah. And I wanted us to try it before we play our next game. Sam, you're a huge fan of Iron Brew. Is that right? Well, it is the national drink after whiskey. It is the most popular drink in Scotland everywhere else.

It's Coca-Cola, but this is the most popular drink in Scotland. This is the most popular drink in Scotland. And it is, no one knows really what it's made of. Oh. It is, basically sugar, yes. And when they tried to change the recipe to less sugar, there was a public outcry because the Scottish people want their sugar. Wow.

Sugar. We want sugar. Sugar. Sugar. I can't. Sugar. Sugar. They roll your tongue.

Go on. Yeah, that's good. Wow. I'm going to be a high-maintenance girl for a second, girly pop. I can't drink this because it has caffeine. No, it doesn't? It does it? It does it?

It actually says it does. Does it? Yeah. I never knew that. So it's like a cup of coffee. I will tell you, I've just tasted it. Just explain it to me. Yeah.

You remember the, what if somebody carbonated the bubble gum in the middle of a tootsie pop? Well, no, wait, no, blow pop. A tuxy roll? No, a tautzy roll. Blow pops had the gum. Oh, yeah. That's really good. This is an insane thing for people to be drinking.

It's only a hangover cure. Oh. Yeah. Interesting. Yes, interesting is the word. But we call it. juice in Scotland as well. And you guys have heard of like Coca-Cola.

Yeah, but we don't drink that. I agree. I don't drink Coca-Cola either. No, no, I'm not. Yeah. Sassanac. Right. Yeah.

Yeah. I drink it every day. Yeah. Yeah. I had no idea that you were involved, though, but, um... We'll be right back. Okay. Hey, don't go anywhere. There's more of Love It or Leave It coming up.

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which is why it's time for a segment we're calling, time of your life. Ooh. I love that. I'm going to give you two people, one from the past and one from the present, and you'll tell us which one you'd rather be. Am I also playing? Yeah.

Okay, great. Can we choose different ones? Yeah. I know it sounds really complicated, and I'm already confused. Here's the thing. Here's the thing. The stakes here are on the ground. Which of these two talk?

Which would which of these periods? Oh, sorry. How do you win? I decide who wins. Okay. Can I get nominated for an Emmy from this? Is my agent watching? Right now, right now you can't.

Okay. But I would say within the next five years, as as TV goes like this and reaches whatever this is. Right. Yes. Okay. You're going down. You're going down. Is that because podcasts are going like this?

No, no, no. This isn't a podcast. No, no, no. Podcasts are not. going up. We are staying where we are. Well, what are you doing? And all the other industries are lowering to meet us. To your level. Yes. That's what's happening. It's beautiful. Would you rather wake up a 13th century Russian lord or be an associate director of marketing for Netflix's podcasting department today? Now, as a Russian lord, you have access to all the spices available in

Russia, which are salt and dill. I love dill. Pickles. You can make pickles, right? I love pickles, too. I love pickles. That's so crazy. I had a pickle today, actually. You did? I did. Yeah. Was it a big pickle?

It was pretty big. It was pretty big. I can eat a big pickle by after you. Now, if you work at Netflix, you have dental insurance and dentists, flush toilets. You know, you have computers and air conditioning. But the Russian Lord, gets to be a Russian lord, though if you cut your finger, you die. Can I ask a question? Sure. What are they a lord of? A manor.

Like a castle? Like a feudal manner. Okay. They have serfs. Okay. Okay. So I would love to be a Russian lord. Yeah.

I want to sort of like be the head of a household. Right. I'm kind of like an entrepreneur myself. Sure. Yeah. Kind of like girl boss. Look at the outfit. It's pretty spectacular.

Yeah. Mine? Yours, too. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. No, that's cool too. I'm going to need an answer.

We'll both be the Lord. Yeah. We're both so similar. We'll be the Lord. We're so similar. Yeah. Next up, would you rather be a wealthy merchant on the Silk Road during the Han Dynasty

or a moderately successful YouTube makeup influencer? Now, in the past, you can exchange silk and spices and dyes for, horses, wine, honey, and gold along the 4,000 miles of Asian trade routes, creating the foundations of modern commerce. That sounds exhausting. Yeah, it's a lot of work. Right. As a modern YouTube influencer, you can kind of get a lot of free stuff in the mail.

That's not so much work. Not as much travel, and you have vaccines. I would have to say I would like to be a YouTube beauty influencer. I feel like that's a really good cushy life. you get canceled, you bounce back, you know. Yeah. No, I, yeah, and I don't think it's soulless or anything. No, it's not soulless at all.

I mean, they're doing a service. They're teaching people how to do makeup, right? Yeah, I'm into it. Yeah. Yeah. I do. I do my own makeup. Do you like it?

Yeah, that's great. Thank you. Would you rather be a mathematician in the Islamic Golden Age or Travis Kelsey? They look really similar. They do. They do. They do look similar. They do look similar.

I think I want to be Kelsey. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Now, you would miss the chance to synthesize Greek and Hindu scholarship in order to unlock the modern language.

But you get to be with Taylor Swift if you're Kelsey, right? I'm sorry. I, no, she's great. She's great. Oh, no, I'm not a Swifty. No. I'm not either. Yeah.

I have them wrapped around my fucking finger. I swear to God. Did you see that? Do you see what's happening here? Do you see what's happening here? Do you see what's going on? It's literally he's wrapped around. It's crazy.

It's crazy. When did the golden retriever get here? Literally. Literally. He's obsessed with me. It's crazy. Kelsey. I'll be Kelsey.

Great. What was the first one? It was a mathematician in the Islamic golden age. Okay. Watch this. I would be the mathematician. Why would he be the mathematician? Just because I think it's different.

Hmm. Yeah, no, I'm going to stick with Taylor Swift. Great. This is not going to work. It's not going to work. I'm playing hard to get. Oh, sorry. Okay, right.

Yeah, mathematician. Men give up so easily these days. It's incredible. You got him. Yeah. Would you rather be an 18th century French countess during the Baroque era or a phlebotomist living in Baltimore right now? So now, on the one end, you get pastries.

Yeah. You did have to marry your cousin. and at some point in the next decade, you will have to run from your home to escape the reign of terror, but you make it and end up living a small life in a village outside of Oxan-Provance.

Okay, so that sounds like heaven to me, and I did have a crush on my cousin when I was six. Oxan-Provance, they do really good wine as well. Oh, really? Yeah, those are me. Great. Yeah, we'll go there. Great.

We're making the decisions together. Yeah, this is a unified effort. Yeah. That's sweet. Yeah. That's sweet. Would you rather be an interesting, Italian Renaissance painter or Mr. Beast.

Oh, for fuck's sake. You know, Mr. Beast was involved in this new season of Survivor. I am aware of that. Oh, you didn't catch it? He wouldn't know. He got canceled for him. Well, because I sort of struggle with Survivor because I got voted off. And so it's like, I still really like it.

But like, you know, like if you were like, if you had like been really wanted to be Hamilton and Hamilton. Wait, like you for real can't watch Survivor right now? It's not I can't. It's that like if you were, if you had always wanted to be a broad Broadway star and then you got the chance to be Mr. Mesistophilis. And then you went out there and you shot your pants on the first day. You would still love the theater, but you might not go see cats for a while.

Yeah, totally. Yeah. I'm sorry? No, no, no. Everything's really good. Okay. I was really upset when you got voted off. No, I know.

Were you really upset? Or were you like, that was fun? It was, I would say that you do a lot of, so what was interesting about getting voted off first on Survivor is you then get to see all the other people who are voted off pretty quickly. And you watch people have like 24 hours where they're completely raw and then slowly build up the like architecture of the story they're going to tell themselves in the world. And so I felt myself do that. And I would say the truth lies somewhere between.

I always knew this was a chance. And I am still glad I did it because it was a genuinely interesting and fun experience. And there's if you take a, if you, if you catch every plane, you've left for the airport too early and you take a risk and the worst thing can happen and oh my god i cannot believe these fuckers voted me out first you know what i'm saying i think it's because you were a threat for sure that's what you tell yourself no that's what i'm telling you and i appreciate that was mr beast i had to ask i had to ask oh i would be mr beast uh no uh no the other one that's fine that's okay we broke up little cat and mouse no no no no no no breakup just cat and mouse

By the way, there are so many things you're learning tonight. You're so blessed to be here. Bullying your way to the top. And if someone breaks up with you, you say, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no breakup. Catamount. No, no, no, no, no breakup. No, no, no, no breakup. No, no, no, no, no breakup.

No, no. Great advice. Great advice. We'll be right back. And we're back. And now for our favorite end of the show segment where I take a loving stroll through everything I said or did and decide whether or not

I should have profound regrets about it in a segment we call second thoughts Okay Here's how it works The producers have gathered A list of reasons I might have regret during this episode

Okay And then we will run those by you I also welcome any second thoughts Either of you had It's quite a long list It is long I don't My first regret is

I'm sorry that I tricked you about Berk Krecher I don't that wasn't necessary You had such a hard. It was really sad to see what your face did, and I regret it. More of you know about the 1992 Tom Selleck film Mr. Baseball than I expected. That's interesting. That's surprising.

I apologize for saying scoop boner. That's really gross, actually. What is that? A scoop boner, that's when a reporter realizes they're in the presence of a genuine scoop, and they get the boner. Okay. I don't know that it happens. I don't know. If it does, they're not going to say anything.

Like, if they were physically aroused? Right. Like, oh, my God, there's a scoop happening. Right. People awkward if you were a journalist, and you got a lot of scoops, right? Sure. I mean, yeah. I mean, I think about that all the time, so, yeah. My scoop burner or? No, just like, one, if anyone would have a, that's insane that you said that to me.

I'm sorry, I said that you shouldn't ride a motorcycle. Oh, really? Why? Who am I to tell you what to do? Okay. You have a motorcycle? It's a single seat, yeah. Oh, okay. I have one, too, and it's also single seat.

Caitlin, I'm sorry for being a third wheel on this date. That's okay. Do you have any regrets? No, I don't live with a regret. I have no regrets. Sam, do you have any regrets? No. Do you regret coming on this show at all?

No. I do. No. Yes. With Caitlin? Never. Everybody check out Caitlin on the season of hacks

that's out right now. And everybody watch the final season of Outlander and the final episode ever of Outlander with Sam Hewen that's out now.

And that's our show. Thank you so much to Sam Hewinn and Caitlin Riley. There are 171 days until the midterm elections. We'll be back Wednesday with Ginger Minge, Rachel Bloom,

and Adam Shankman. Have a great night and have a great weekend. Thank you. Love It or Leave It is a Cricket Media production. Our show is produced by Kendra James, Bill McGrath, Kelsey Ganty, and me, John Lovett. Our production team includes Hallie Kiefer, Sarah Lazarus, David Tolls, Claudia Shang, Jay Banks, Gavin Purcell, and Matt DeGroote, and our staff is proudly unionized with the Writers Guild of America East.