Lucy & Sam's Perfect Brains - Cafés

Episode Date: November 7, 2025

Sausage, chips ’n' beans please. Lucy and Sam place an order at their perfect caff. If you want to send a message or voice note to the podcast, email it to [e-mail] or WhatsApp to [phone]Recorded and edited by Naomi Parnell for Plosive.  Artwork by Sam Campbell. Theme music by Charlie Pelling, Lucy Beaumont and Sam Campbell. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Throughout the course of history, there's been no one of mysteries, but never won't quite as far as the secret garden of Babylon, of Babylon, oh Babylon, the garden, oh Babylon, do not surrender. Oh, kids that bloom all year round, an action fountain that makes not a sound, so check out. this garden please don't be afraid it's lucy and sam's perfect brains lucy and sam's perfect brains lucy and sam's perfect brates this podcast will be recorded for training purposes only hello lucy hello sam tell us tell us everything tell you everything absolutely when you say everything do what do you mean everything Well, I suppose, I mean, spill the beans. How are you? Know your own worth.

So true. Absolutely true. Amen. Yeah. I did a podcast the other day and he said, what message could you give to young people? And I said, know your own worth. And he said, what do you mean by that? I said, I don't know.

Just head of the people say it. Yeah, I don't like when people ask you to back stuff up. They're like, and what does that mean? You're like, I don't know. I said it. It's, what are you talking about? Yeah, not my monkeys, not my circus. And we're sick.

of little blurbs next to paintings at the art gallery. We don't need you to explain what it's about. We'll figure that out. We don't need a little blurb. No, and they've got to start that needy stuff on packaging. You know, with the chat, it'll be like, oh, cool on the back. Yeah, packaging's not. Hey, customers.

Hey, we know you've had a totally oops summer. So have to be. Shut up. Yeah, and I don't like when people pretend a tree is talking to you. Like, I'm like, there's a sign on the tree. that says like don't touch me or like a packet of crisps it'll say on the side like make sure you put me in the bin shut up faces on like yeah stuff like that we're giving a face don't they yeah not everything needs a face you've got to earn a face but do you like

graffiti if it's done well i adore graffiti someone had put in a hull it was it said litter you know on a bin and they'd put um like made it into clitoris clitoris clitoris Litter, you know. Can I ask what your tag would be? My tag would be, I think, like, a cartoon of me. I'd do like a cartoon of myself. That would be my tag. And what would this little cartoon sort of,

are we thinking like, have you seen Lizzie McGuire? Lizzie McGuire. Is that like Jerry McGuire? She's American, but she had a small cartoon version of her that would sort of give sarcastic remarks. That sounds a lot like me. That's what I would do. Mine would be Snow pee.

Snow pee? That would be my graffiti tag name, yeah. What, Snow pee? Yeah, like Snowpee, like a snow pee. What's a snorpe? It's a really nice pee. Like a sugar snap. It's like a really sweet little pea.

Oh, that's lovely. Hmm. Oh, Babylon. Oh, Babylon. Do not surrender. I've made so many enemies lately. I've got in trouble for threatening Richard Herring online. I just need to rain it in.

Oh, really? Yeah. I left a comment on one of his Instagram pictures. I said, you look so happy in this picture. You won't be smiling soon, Richard. I said, what happened? And he emailed my management and said, why is he threatening me?

So I had to email him and apologize. Really? Yeah. I once nearly headbutted a really well-known comic. I had to be taken out of the premises escorted out. Really? You were trying to. Edinburgh, in Edinburgh once, yeah.

And why were you hoping to help about them? Because I thought it'd be rude to me earlier on in the day. Wow. Have you got the history of headbutting? Yeah. So you know you can do it? Yeah. Yeah, it's one of those things you try unless you know you can do it.

This is a tip for listeners. If you are going to headbutt a well-known person, don't do it straight away. Head-butts some sort of nobodies first just to make sure that you are going to properly crack into them. Well, when I say headbook, because I'm five foot one, at some more are jumping up under the chin. Oh! So you could never really head but a chinless wonder. You know these people who don't have much in the way of a chin?

Oh, no, it wouldn't connect. And is this comedian, you don't have to say who they are, but do they have a prominent chin? They have a chin. But it would have been a big, had I been allowed to do what I wanted to do, it would have been a big jump because they're about six foot two, something like that.

That does narrow it down for those playing at home. six foot two. Do you know Jay Leno, this guy with the big chin? Jay Leno? Yeah. And who's that? He's, see, this is a crazy podcast because you don't know Jay Leno. I bet you don't know what marrow fat peas are, do you?

No, I don't at all, but I know Snoopy. Snoopy just sounds like it might be a bit better for you than Tim Peas. It's weird because I think if you combine everything we know, maybe we do know quite, like almost most of it. I think there's very few things we know. I think we'd be surprised that. So you think I know 2%, maybe you know 3%, and then there's so much more up for grabs.

I think we know what towel, cat, picture frame is, but then anything more than that? Do you know what a croggy is? No, it's a breakfast cereal. No. It's when you give someone a lift on the back of your bike. Oh, right. And what do you call it if they're on the front of the bike?

No one's thought of that yet. Yeah, it happened in ET. Big shout out to E.T. by the way. So Jay Leno really quickly, I read Fran Drescher's autobiography. Do you know the actress, Fran Dresher, The Nanny? The Nanny. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. You don't know The Nanny and you go, Mr. Sheffield. What? This is like one of the most famous, she's now the head of the Screen Actors Guild in America. And she was a nanny? Only in a TV show.

It's called The Nanny. To me, this was one of the big shows. Have you heard of Last of the Summer Wine? That was a big show. I have got you there. I've seen that for sale as a DVD. Oh, that's nice. is that old men pretending to be children. What do you mean? So they drink this wine and it turns... No, they just act like, they're like, really old men.

Like, some of them, like, died whilst they were making it, then to keep, like, recasting. If they did, that's how old they were. Is it like a baby in a movie where it's like, oh, they use three babies to play one baby in a movie? They just get three old guys because it's hard to tell. Do they? So Jay Leno, so Fran Dresher, who's a big actress,

she realized her husband was gay because, She did a movie with Jay Leno, and they had a kissing scene. And afterwards, the husband was like, oh, I was so jealous when you were kissing Jay Leno in that scene. And she was like, this guy's gay. But if you knew Jay Leno, you'd be like, I sort of, not that he's unattractive, but you'd just be like, well, come on. I'm sorry. Hello. Charlotte, can I ring you back, thank you.

Hi. Now, what did we have there? That was a lovely lady called Charlotte, who runs the Yorkshire Children's Charity. Really? Yeah, she's very special woman and she's absolutely amazing at fundraising. I've never met anyone who can raise the sort of money she can raise. Can I just feed these cats because they're really hungry and they're trying to find stuff on the floor? Absolutely.

Just one second. Yep, I'll fill time. Charity is amazing as well. I'd like to get into that kind of stuff. I'd like to be obviously maybe I'm not in the same sort of, you know, tax bracket is the last. Lucy, but hopefully one day I'll be getting phone calls from people from, yeah, Charlotte, the charity woman asking me to go to one of her glamorous dinners. Oh, they just eat it. Congratulations to everyone who's involved with charity and we need so much more of it.

So, so Jailo, tell me about Jailo then. Jailo. That's how she knew her husband was gay. J. Leno. Basically, she was kissing Jaileno in a scene in a movie and afterwards her husband was like, oh, I was so jealous when you were. and Jay were kissing. And if you saw Jay, I mean, his chin is, he's mostly chin.

He's like, fucking 90% chin. He's like, fucking 90% chin? He's got a huge chin. But to other people who've got a huge chin, would he have a huge chin? That's the question. Even if I had a huge chin, I'd be like, man, that's the chin. He had a talk show. Did he?

Yeah. Oh, is he American? Yeah. But why did she think he was gay? He's not gay. Her husband is gay. Oh, she knew before he knew? I think he maybe knew, but he was trying to, like, sort of play the part, you know, of the jealous husband, which can be convincing, but not with Jay Leno.

It feels like this story doesn't, shouldn't be as confusing as it is. I don't think so either. I don't know who's to blame. Who's Jay Leno? Jay Leno is a talk show host, but before that, he was in a TV. A man or a woman. What? He's a man with a big chin.

Right. Listeners at home will be tearing out their hair. So he had a wife. I don't know if he had a wife at the time He does now And he was jealous of his wife Kissing another man Jay Leno is the kissed man

In the story So someone kissed him Yes, Fran Dresher Who? The nanny She's, he kissed his nanny Oh my God This is outrageous

Is this a dream No, it's real I want to go out with a rapper Like a really famous rapper What, like date them Yeah, and she, like, defends me in her raps. And she's got heaps of brothers who, like, also talk about me and, like, defend me. Oh, really?

Like, so you're just, like, untouchable? Yeah, yeah. Do you want to be in the videos, like? Absolutely, wearing a robe. Like, when they wind, like, window, like, that's car down and titillating the car and stuff. Absolutely. So this is a rap where she's rapping just about how, like, tough she is and sort of all the weapons she owns.

But the part of the song that's singing, that's about. She's like, so it's like, you know, I got amazing Uzi's, I got this, I got this. That's the rap part. But when she starts singing, that's about me. And she goes, and all of this is in need of one special guy. And that's where I rise up in the video. And a verb. Yeah, and everyone in the comments of the video is like, who's this guy?

Like, they're so jealous of me. And she writes comments on the YouTube video. She's like, he's my man. Like, I'll defend him with my life. Like, if anyone says anything about him, I will like go to bat for him and always have his corner. And then do you purpose to try to make, like, situations where she has to defend you? I tell people my opinions, sure. And then they just wait in. You start something. You like, like a match. Yeah. Oh, sure. Yeah. Why not? So basically, she'll win an award for like best song or

whatever, best, like most amazing verse. She'll get up and do a speech and it will all be about me. And they'll keep like cutting to me in the crowd with like prayer hands. Like, thank you. Thank you. Thank you so much, baby. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you so much, baby. I couldn't have done this with that one really special guy and I'm in the crowd, oh, thank you so much, baby, thank you, baby, baby, yes, baby, thank you. And then they play the music, like get off stage and she goes, I'm talking about my king.

And that's what she, she, airweld, is about just basically praising you, keeping you happy. It's like photosynthesis and I'm the son, you know, like I am the, you know, I'm like the light, the source, but she's the one who puts things into action. I barely move. I'm often on a bean bag or sitting down, and she's the one sort of... You want a beanbag?

You want a beanbag? Yeah. What do you mean where? In our mansion, in our amazing mansion, one of our many mansions. That shows me that you've never been in a mansion. I have. No one has a beanbag in a mansion. What do you mean?

They don't have beanbags. Well, I bring my own beanbag. I'm not allowed to bring some of my own stuff. What, mobile, whatever you go. People have stuff like that. Like, I've seen dogs at cafes that have a special little... They've got their own basket that gets bored everywhere for them. Your hair pet?

No. No, no, no. Not really, no. She thinks you are, but you? So basically, I wear a collar and she feeds me from... Be careful. The Manhattan Project, at B.I.CIA. You know that I am going to basically bring out my own life.

I'm basically becoming an inventor and I'm bringing two products out onto the UK market. Well, you know my dad, it is an inventor. I'm not your dad. My dad invented an avocado that is three different colors. No, never. But it's not, it's like a, it's like, you don't eat this avocado. It's made of the different, the firmness changes in the different colors. It's for people in China when they're about to ship them.

They have this avocado and they touch it to see what level of ripeness it's at. You're joking. No, he invented that. I don't understand. We'll have to have him on as a guest. So he invented an avocado. Yeah, it's made of, I think, almost resin or something. It's not resin.

Gosh, what's it made of? It's made of some amazing material. So if you have an avocado, you're like, where's this avocado at? And you're squeezing it. You have this one in the other hand and you're squeezing them both in the different parts of this. And you go, that's where it's at in the cycle. I don't know how I feel about that. If you're about to send a bunch of avocados to,

a different country. Can I just say, I don't think I'm ever going to do that person. I don't know if this relates, this story relates to my life. So now I'm not allowed to tell a story that doesn't directly... No, I'm just saying, you said, for like, if I ever send, and I just emotionally touched out, because I just don't think I'm going to send a creative avatacados from China. Do you have, where you live, Lucy, do you have mirrors?

Yeah. I think you need to go and take a good, hard-looking one. Because if someone told me, my dad made an invention and told me all about it, I wouldn't just go completely stiff and then go, who cares? Doesn't relate to me. Can I be honest with you? Please. I don't think you've explained it very well.

Okay. I'm starting to get really angry. I've never felt like this before. This is a new feeling for me. Oh, gosh. You hear about this. You hear about big fights on podcasts. And apparently they don't even talk to each other off.

You know, they just hate each other. That's insane. So he made this avocado. It's three different colors. But you said it's made from a resin. So it's not really an avocado then, is it? It's a representative. It's in the shape of an avocado.

Here we go. Yeah. This is right. Yep. Right. We're getting to something like that. And where does J-Lo come in? If you, so when your inventions come out and you go to invention conventions,

invention conventions, could I tell you not to talk to about, other people's inventions in such a callous way. Listen. You've never said that before. You've never said that before. Listen, punk. It's Lucy and Sam's Perfect Brain. Lucy and Sam's Perfect Wakes.

On today's episode, we are discussing our perfect cafe. What, we are, aren't we? Yep. What is your experience with cafes? Do you like them and do you go to them? Cafes. are part of my childhood I spent such a long time in

what we call them cafes because cafe is very different to where I went I went to cafes what's the difference between a cafe and a cafe is like basically it's you know like dinner ladies at school I think we had one lady like that but I don't think she was official

what do you mean whoa whoa whoa whoa if the teachers saw if the teachers saw her they'd sort of her away. No, no, no. Schools, basically, you know, like the mafia runs Vegas. Well, dinner ladies run schools. They're like the mafia. They are actually, they have wheeled all. So they're more powerful than the principal. Yeah, they're there, lunchtime super back, they're there, they're just there. And they take over from the teachers at lunchtime. And it's their rules then. Because we had a woman at our school who would try to give us food, but if any of the teacher saw her, they'd be like, you're not allowed here, stop

giving these kids food and stuff like that. She'd try and feed her strawberries. But didn't you have lots of women in overalls that suddenly came into the school? Oh, yeah, we call them tuck shop ladies. No just people's moms who would volunteer to come in. I'd often have a packed lunch and I'd be jealous of these tuck shop kids. Do you know, I think I can spot a pat lunch kid and I would have said to you a pat lunch, yeah. They usually brought up better because their parents have got up early enough to make them a pat lunch.

I didn't say what was in there What was it, broken biscuits? Oh, yeah, wet newspaper, broken glass, a band-aid, used band-aid. I like that you call it a band-aid. What do you call it? Well, I sometimes think we're equals, and then you say something like Band-Aid, and I realize we're not. Now, where does this come from? What do you call them?

Band-aid, to me, is like what they say in American films, and it's very cosmopolitan. I like that I'm working with someone that is, you know, of the world. You feel of the world to me. So if you get injured in whole, you wouldn't put anything on it. You just go, leave that, leave that. Don't put anything on that. And that's it. Do you know, when I was in primary school,

we had this, like, hill in the playground that, and this should have not let anyone on. And this lad fell off it, and he broke his foot. And his foot, it was, like, broken in three places. And the dinner lady told me to go get a wet paper towel and put it on it. And I got, everyone was asking, everyone had the hands up to ask who could go get the wet paper towel and she picked me. His foot was completely mangled and she still, she was trying to pick who, which one of the children could get wet paper towel. It's loose.

So, Kathy's, yeah, I have a lot because my mum, well, you've met Jill Adams, I'm sure you can't believe it. I used to wake her up. When it was school, I used to go, I've got to go to school now. I'm going to go and I'd get dressed myself and then go down and make my own breakfast. And then she'd come down and go, no, you're not going. I don't, I want, I miss you too much. Can't you stay with me?

It's not fair. Why do they take you off me? And then sometimes if I felt like it, I'd go, okay, all right. And then she used to go, let's go to that cafe. and we used to go to a cafe and found a place called Hesel Road and it was, you know, slot machine, you know, like a what you call it,

a slot machine. Yeah, a fruit machine, whatever. And there was a cafe at the back of it and we really liked their sausage chips and beans. So we used to go there and just hang out all day. Yeah, I used to go to a cafe and seven sisters and when I went in and there was a wotset on the ground. And I said to the eye working there,

I go, oh, there's a wotset on the ground. And he said, I know, it's been there all day. I've got a photo of it, which I can upload as proof of this morning. People that have said weird stuff to me at the cafes. I had a guy come up to me in a cafe and he said, if you were tall, he'd be dangerous. What does that mean? He wants to train you, baby.

Do you think? Potentially, yeah. If you were taller, you'd be dangerous. What did you say? Yeah. I said, oh, thanks. But there's different types of cafes, isn't they? Like, I've got a thing going on at the moment.

Where I live, on a Friday night at about 1, 2 o'clock in the morning, you suddenly hear loads of, like, screaming, laughing, like, drunk people. There's a coffee shop just around the corner, and it's one of those, you know, them hipster coffee shops. Oh, yeah. There was a lad, and he was cross-legged. He had yellow dungarees on and a beret and hiking boots sat cross-legged on his laptop. but when you looked and it was just on BBC News

the people that you get in that cafe you don't ever see them walk in or walk out it's like they grow them they hire them people do that for funerals as well they boost up the numbers they're open get this on a Friday and Saturday night till 2 o'clock in the morning

with a jazz quartet they sound kind of cool no they're not cool no I mean you sound like a slave to the 9 to 5 these are behemians they're out there they're listening to jazz quartet You shouldn't be in a coffee shop until 2 o'clock in the morning. It's ridiculous.

On a Friday or Saturday night? No, get out in the normal pubs. What about this is a solution? You start smoking heavily. Two packs a day. You get a very smoky, raspy voice. You become the lead singer, and it becomes a jazz quintet. What, and then go to that pub.

So they're playing. And now welcome, the elusive, mysterious, an enigma in her own time. Madam Beaumont And you come in and you sing Fly me to the moon On a Saturday night But really hoosky Because I smoke a lot

Watch out little guys Fly me to the moon Never play a van disguise Like that Homer Homer Lucy in a self's perfect brains Lucy has perfect brains

What's your experience of cafes or cafes? Cafe culture. Well, I like to go to cafes in the morning sometimes to sort of, yeah, sit and pretend to work. I think that's what most people are doing. Yeah, they just need to get out of the house band, don't they? Oh, my God. My housemate comes home with a really sweaty, he gets the sweaty shirt. Do you know what I mean?

Do you ever get that? Like, it's like just right in the middle of the shirt, this big sweat patch. No, I don't sweat. Too nodding. Oh, okay. Oh. Well, this guy sweats. I'm trying to think about the last person who denied sweating in an interview. Hmm. Yeah. He gets the big pool of sweat in the middle of the shirt. Well, he puts it there himself. No, it's from running. He goes running on the treadmill. He's still getting amazing times. But then I, so I always see that. And then I was at the cafe and I got some banana bread to take away. And I think banana bread's quite greasy because my like brown paper bag, after I'd been walking for a while, it was the center of it had this big greasy patch. Right. And when I saw it, it reminded me of my housemate,

and I just said his name really softly. Luke. Luke, if you haven't happened to run one of these little cafes, what would it be called? What would it be, where would it be located, and what kind of things would happen there? I think cafes are central to, like, our communities. And so I think there should be more community cafes.

I don't think you should have to pay. If you pay your tax, then, like, cafes are seen as like an extension of people's homes where you, you know, you could be able to go any time of the day and sit in, like, nice, comfy chairs, you know, talk. And I would like to see more where, like, young people and old people sit together, you know, to combat loneliness. And I think by making it all free, then, that people would come then, you know. Is this something you would enforce?

Would you say if you're young, you have to sit with an old? And if you're old, you have to sit with a young? Yeah, you don't have to sit really, like, you don't have to sit on a lap or anything. I'm just coming from it from a real, um, community, charitable, yeah, community, um, you know, connections, um, you know, connection. It's all about connections. What are you, what are you going to call this joint? I'm going to call it, get in this caffeine now. Get in this caffeine now.

Is it a greasy spoon? No, it's like home from home cooking. Oh, that's really nice. Like, Nana's, Nana cooking, like, like, corned beef hash. What kind of artwork on the, on the walls? No, out. Oh, really? It's too intimidating.

No, no, no. I don't want it to become cool. It's not cool. Yeah. No, that way. Or maybe, you know, when you get like a, maybe like a husky. One is a picture of a husky. Yeah.

And one's a picture of New York in Diamantes. Oh, that's really nice. What I mean? Yeah. And one's Marilyn, but not really, like a bad, bad photo of Marilyn. A bad Marilyn. Marilyn and off day. Even she did have off days.

Yeah, wonky, like a wonky. which is, yeah, one cute. And who's working there? Dinner ladies. Oh, that's nice because it's on the weekend. Most importantly, what are the hours? 7-Eleven. 7-Eleven?

Yeah. I thought you were not into the late-night stuff. Why? You said a jazz quartet's been spoiling you. Still 2 o'clock in the morning. 11? There's no alcohol or anything. So it's just a zone for chatting.

It's not for, yeah, frivolity. They'll leave peacefully at 11. Is that okay? Yeah, oh yeah, it sounds really nice. Get in my cafe now. What about you, Sam? Okay, so my, I've got. One slightly different.

Mine is more, I guess, catering to a more sophisticated clientele. So I'm not allowed, isn't it? No, you can come. You can come. So it's only for celebrities and people who are very high up in business. Oh, okay. Like, Sir Her house. Yeah, it is like one of these houses.

It's like extreme membership. And you know this thing with the free coffees where it's like, oh, if you get this stamped five times, you get the free coffee. That's done via tattoos because we want to show you. people are truly loyal and truly dedicated to our cafe. That's lovely. Like a cult. Yes. So my cafe is called... Culture. It is a bit of a cult. So you do have to wear a uniform when you come in. Okay. Oh, right. Okay. Like silky black outfits with big collars. Almost like a smoking

jacket back in the day, like one of the, like the Friars Club or something like that. This is a lot just to have a coffee. We don't just serve coffee. We serve every drink in the world. Wow. And is it a place where business deals happen? Insanely true. What you You just said, really resonated. And by the way, the cafe is called sensitivity and purity. Ooh, it's like something sounds a little bit seedy about it. It's not seedy. It's all like these amazing futuristic metal surfaces.

No human staff. We don't want human staff. I'm not interested in human staff. I went to a cafe in Sydney, a Japanese cafe that had a robot waiter. I love it. that served us. It made a lot of mistakes and the other, there was a human who kept coming to fix it, but we will work on the technology and these, they will be sexy. Sexy robots. And they will cater to the, um, clientele. Everyone's anonymous in the cafe as

well. I mean, whatever happens in there is fine. It doesn't sound fine, Sam. It is fine. And we've got original Damien Hearst artworks throughout the cafe. Oh, really? Yeah. How did you manage to get hold of those? It's not blackmail, but we do know. things about him. Can you elaborate on the, on the outfit you've got to wear? Oh, yeah. So I've been thinking more and more about this. So it's a black silk shirt. What are those ties called, like the cowboy ties? Bolo tie. It's like almost like a shoestring tie. Yeah, but when we used to wear one, bizarrely. Yeah, people wear that and then, um, bottomless. It's one of these bottomless brunch places.

At first, it sounded like it needs to be shut down, but maybe someone's won higher than the police, maybe like the FBI, need to shut it down. I hear that. But it's ended up sounding like some way you would pay money to go now. So either you're hiding the truth

or it isn't as bad. One or the other, but I'm a bit more trusting. I'm not hiding the truth, but I'm also not flaunting it. No, yes. So it is dodgy then, isn't it? And is your rapper lover involved in the mechanics of it? in some way, her family. She's bankrolling it, so I'm running it, and it is losing money fast,

but she is committed to this project? And whereabouts geographically, is it? One in every capital city in the world. Oh, wow. Well, Sam, I've learned a bit more about you that I didn't want to know, and you've learned a little bit more about me as well, haven't you? Absolutely. Listeners, please do write in, email us at Lucy and Sam's Perfect Brains at gmail.com,

Were you a packed lunch, kid? Have you ever been in a fight and caused time to someone? If you could conjure someone up to maybe spend Valentine's Day with, who would it be? And what's your favourite cafe? We will not read emails unless you answer each of these questions. Yeah. You can't just answer one. You have to answer all of them.

Thank you for listening. We will be back next week with an amazing episode. Yes, we will. Thank you, Lucy. Thank you, Sam. I only dressed like this to be a detective for the thing. I'm going to take off the hat. He's a super chef.

No. I did this show called QI the other day, and I thought it would be so funny to get, to wear like a suit and glasses and for them to like bronze me like crazy. Like they were almost doing like contouring. And no one said anything. They were just like, oh yeah, that's what this guy looks like. I looked so mental. I was like bronze, like a love island.

It was crazy. And they just didn't reference it. No one said anything. Oh, that's a letter. Have you got a picture? Yeah, let me find one. Okay, hold on a secie. Lucy, it sounds perfect brates. Hello, Brainiacs.

Hello, perfect people. Oh, nice. I'm Amy Gled Hill. My name is Ian Smith. And we are from the Northern News podcast. If you like podcast, where it's a male and female host, the woman is from Hull, you're going to love Northern News. Yeah, and if you're thinking, but I'd like the man to be from Gould,

That's what this is. Yeah, not Australia. No, but if you listen to our back catalogue, you will hear both Sam Campbell and Lucy Bermont doing bloody good bits on our show, actually. Yeah, and it's all about finding the weird bizarre stories from the north of England or wherever our guests are from. Things like, pure evil blackbird named Derek terrorising Yorkshire village

and attacking children. Woman in tears after spotting spitting image of dead dog in Bathmat. And we've got special guests. We're talking about people like Phil Wang, Jessica Knappit, Ed Campbell and Ross Noble, who joined us in the studio. Woo-hoo! Yeah. That's Northern News, out every Thursday, wherever you get your podcasts.