Lucy & Sam's Perfect Brains - Perfect Brian 1

Episode Date: November 14, 2025

Lucy and Sam welcome back a Perfect Brian to Perfect Brains. Groovy baby.If you want to send a message or voice note to the podcast, email it to [e-mail] or WhatsApp to [phone]Recorded and edited Ben Williams for Plosive.  Artwork by Sam Campbell. Theme music by Charlie Pelling, Lucy Beaumont and Sam Campbell. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Throughout the course of history, there's been no one of mysteries, but never won't quite as far as the secret garden of Babylon. Of Babylon, oh Babylon, the garden, O Babylon, do not surrender. Oh kids that bloom all year round, an action fountain that makes not a sound. So check out this garden. Please don't be afraid. It's Lucy and Sam's Perfect Brains. Lucy and Sam's Perfect Brains. Lucy and Sam's Perfect Brains.

This podcast will be recorded for training purposes only. Welcome to this episode. Thank you so much. Who do you reckon listens to this? Oh, I think it's a mix bag. I think it's not comedians, but you know, like they're partners of comedians, like the girlfriends and boyfriends and husbands and wives of comedians,

listen to Jalice. Well, I did a gig with Mike Wozniak, and I said, would you like to call on the podcast? And he said, I'm a big fan of the show, I listened to it. Did he say, but was he just being nice? The guy is the gentleman, because I do that all the time. Someone goes, if you watch Only Murders in the Building, I go, yeah, yeah, of course.

I'd told that many people I'd read 1984. I really thought I'd read it. This episode, we have a, just speaking of lovely guys, And would you also call him a bit of a groovy guy? Oh, your word, groovy baby, wouldn't you? You might call him a groovy baby. And why would you say that he's so shagodelic?

Do you mean in the film? Yeah, it's our friend Brian who Lucy just sort of discovered and unearthed. Brian's back, we're catching up with Brian. But he's more than this. He's more than that, isn't he? He's not just an Austin Powers impersonator. So people go, oh, he's just in Austin Powers impersonator. He is so much more.

So much more. And here's to prove it. And so what do we say now? Roll the tape or like let's get going, yeah. Roll the tip. Welcome to Perfect Brands, the podcast where we sort of try and honor the vital energy that flows through all of us. How are you, Lucy? I'm very good.

And I'm even better because we have our VIP guest, don't we? Absolutely. Absolutely. We've got a very important powers. We have Brian, our favourite Austin Powers impersonator, is back on the podcast to shoot the breeze and to delve deep and to... Swing it, baby. And to swing it, baby. Do you remember the 60s, Brian?

I grew up in the 60s as a child. So I was born at the back end of 58. Would that be what, maybe November, October? December. Okay, that's right at the end of, yeah. Yeah, so just before Christmas. So I would say from late 62, 63, I've got tiny memory bites. 64, I can remember Hard Days Night being number one.

Wow. And before that, the buzz of the Beatles coming on the scene. Imagine me in one of the other groups at that time, you know, Herman and the Hermits or something. You just be like, yeah, oh, yeah, everyone's all the Beatles. You're like, yeah, they're all right. Like, it would be a tough time. Do you remember your first gig? will it be in the 70s, will it?

Did you go to gigs? No, I was brought up on a very small family farm in rural North Yorkshire, and the gig was at the village hall. Oh, was it? We didn't even have a village hall. We had to go down to the town for anything like that. The first proper gig of like a named band I would go to was to see Boomtown Rats in Redca.

But I got there and they cancelled. Oh, you know. Jerking. No, which was gutting. Plenty of festivals and that since. And now you're the king of festivals, aren't you? The Austin work, I'm still doing, but at a much lower rate, if you like, because I've got other projects now I want to do. You mentioned growing up in a village.

I've noticed that in villages, they don't have a cemetery often, or they do, but there's just graves, like, sort of scattered throughout the village in country towns. Can you speak to that? It would be, if you've got those situations, There would have been a boundary at some point, because it's got to be on consecrated ground. So where it happens, I can only imagine that the, whether it's the wall, the hedge or what have you, has just gradually disappeared. And usually when the graveyard is then full, and they've moved on to somewhere else. They just thought of scat...

I was out in a country town recently, and yeah, there was just like, next to like the, you know, whatever, the service station, there's just a grave there, a grave there. They were just sort of, yeah. I thought they'd just sort of let them roam free. Do they not have that in Australia? We keep them in one place. And then you don't, like, put a service station next to it. No, absolutely not. Without knowing where it is, that sounds quite specific.

I can't remember the name of these places. Mobbed and on Avon or something, maybe. I know what you mean. You just suddenly, in Manchester, there's just, like, suddenly like a few graves next to something. You can't get rid of the graveyard, but the land next door to it, that's prime property. So we're going to build on me. Well, my friend lives next to her graveyard, and she picked it because she said it's really quiet.

She doesn't. Neighbours aren't noisy. No, it does. What about the sobbing withers? Yeah, but they're just in a day time, aren't they? Great name for a band. It's Lucy and Sam's Perfect Brain. Lucy and Sam's Perfect Wings.

And we mentioned your first. First gig, are you allowed to tell us, Brian, about your first kiss? I can't, it was that long ago. It would be at school. Well, that's good. You was kissed in, some people don't have the first kiss until a lot later, do they? Some people had to wait until the pandemic. What were you doing kissing during a pandemic?

They told me they could cure me. They told me it was the only way. I've got some financial schemes for you, Sam. If you buy into that, you'll buy into these schemes. What's with, you know, like they go, oh, Keist Armour has a government scheme. Don't you think the government shouldn't be scheming? Yeah, it's just like they've all got a skit.

They've all got words, they've all got schemes and what have you. Let's see what you actually get done. It is time to investigate and to have a non-human leader. It is. We're ready for it. No, no, put the kids in charge. No, we want a machine leader. No, we can't have a kid in charge.

We want a machine leader. We want a hive mind. When that happens, run. No, no. I'm building a machine that will govern us with such grace. Have you milked any animals? Straight in there. Yes, milked cows.

Did you have them on your own farm? Yes. Oh, wow. We started with, the farm was a very small one, just over 100 acres and then got less when the council nabbed some fields for allotments. A small, the good years never made up for the bad years. Family got back, you know, we're fine

It's like whatever your difficulties That's just life as you know It's as you grow up so it's normal Yeah But great fun I had a 100-acre playground as a kid Wow And did you have siblings, I presume?

Yes, I was the youngest of three So I was the one that the parents have given up on By that time You're listening to Radio 4 And that was the sobbing widows With 100 acre playground Just kidding, of course. I can't wait for the album.

Did you keep a diary of any sort? No, no, no, no, diaries. Oh, fuck. I grew up as a, it was just a scatterbrained kid. Perfectly capable. This, that, and the other, but you can't pay attention, you're here, you're there, you're on this, you're on that, you're a scatterbrain.

I loved it, I still do. But that was the head in the clouds and all that. Love your brain, love your body, love your work, and love naughty. And love naughty. Oh, do you guess what I have inside my body? I've got big news, by the way. Oh, yeah, I was about to come to that, Sam. But guess what you have inside your body?

Yes, we've been, I sort of teased this to Lucy before. I said, I've got huge news for the podcast. A new organ? No, it's not something that would usually be in a human. Pigskin? No, I don't, no. A vaginal mesh.

Oh, God. I'm going to ignore that. What's a vaginal mesh? I don't know, but they do. But no, it's not a vaginal mesh. But it's in your body. Mm-hmm. As we speak.

Is it a doctor's tiny, little umbrella that was inserted. No, it wasn't a doctor's tiny little umbrella that was inserted. It was not in my body this time yesterday. That's a clue. Oh, my God. And it is in your body now? It certainly is, yeah.

See, have you swallowed something by accident? I have, not by accident. Deliberate, deliberate swallowing. You deliberately swallowed something? Yes, I've done a swallow. I've swallowed something. A non-living thing? Yes, this thing is not.

not alive, but can make someone feel alive if they receive one. Is it cocaine? No, it's not drugs. Is it just a wrap of something, LSD? It's nothing drugs. We need to have less rude guesses, if that's okay. Have you swallowed a whole barocca without dissolving it? And now you feel alive and you're fizzy.

It's not a bad guess. No, do you want more clues or? Are we going to be impressed by it? I'm starting to wonder, because I feel like we've gone through all the impressive things. Yeah, we've got to build out. This thing, it represents love and it can heal someone's, if they have a stye, it can often heal it. A star, as in like a star in your eye? Yeah, have you ever had one of these big red stars?

It can represent so many things. It can also represent pure evil, apparently. Coconut Isle? Was it an arrestable offence? No, no, it was. I wouldn't think so It's something that my father has done My father has swallowed this thing

And that's how I knew I could do it When my father did it It was an accident But I did it deliberately To pay homage to him And to simulate his journey So you knew You knew that it will pass through

It must pass through Yes And yeah Will it pass the whole way through Yeah Was it made of metal? I think some sort of metal Yes

Potentially yes A lot of these are gold A ring Did you swallow a ring Lucy, you've hit the nail on the head. You've absolutely achieved the right answer. Yes, I saw her to ring. Oh, God, because, yeah, you rub them on size, styes, don't you, in the form of look?

What, whose ring did you swallow? No, but by the way, with the stye thing, so if you do have a stye, the ring you use has to be from a marriage of true love. So if you want the stye to heal, if the marriage is real and it is true love, then the sty will heal. It's actually a good way of testing whether your marriage will hold up is rubbing the ring on a die and if it doesn't heal get out of that marriage it's toxic get out right now will that stand up in court not only in court but in the high court oh right fair enough but yeah i swallowed a ring

and now it's still inside my body what but why did you i was on stage i noticed this man and he had all these rings do you know what i mean like one of these guys with like a lot of jewelry like a very fashionable sophisticated guy and i sort of said to him like oh um you know i'm on stage you know when you're up there, you're talking to two performers. You know what it's like? You just, you feel electric, you feel insane, sort of anything can happen. And this guy had all these rings. And I said, oh, are they all sentimental to you? And do they all have meaning? He goes, no, it's just some of these, I don't even care that much about. I go, oh, yeah? Well, in that case, I'll swallow one. Because I knew, because my dad, he swallowed my mom's wedding ring. She was making some bread for him

or for them both to share. They love bread. And the ring got in the dough, and he swallowed it, the wedding ring, absolutely. And how was it when he pooed it out? My dad. Yeah. They never found it. What?

Yeah. What, he never pooed it out? It maybe did and he just didn't know. I'm not sure, yeah. Yeah, I think they never, it might, I think it's still in there. And they've been married for, I think, 40 years. Did he go looking for it? I'm not sure.

We don't talk about that in our family. Maybe it came out the other side as the one ring to rule them all. Brian. Don't say that. But anyway, that was my big news. All right. Wow. That is big news, actually, sir.

Oh, Babylon. Oh, Babylon. Do not surrender. Brian. Yes. I've got some philosophical deep questions for you. Go on then. And by questioning them, maybe you'll help other people.

Be aware of, once you're under philosophy and stuff like that, it's stepping to my parlour, said the spider to the fly. Oh, really? Oh, dear. But you've still got to keep it light and fluffy. No, no, we don't want any of that kind of stuff. All right, okay. Yeah, we sort of go very, very forensic.

Do you like YouTube? Um, it's got its uses. There's plenty of good stuff. There's a channel called Mystic Manor, Mystic with a K, and it goes into the background analysis of fairy stories and what the origins and what's been said and the historical context. I've been watching a few of those. Some of those are really interesting as to where the tales came from.

What about those two girls who were drawing pictures of fairies and everyone thought they were real? Oh, is it Cottingsley? It was one of those things where it screamed out. It's fake, but they just couldn't prove it until, I don't know whether it was the 80s or the 90s. Well, they fooled Sir Arthur Conan Doyle of the people. And the photographic, the people who made the films and what have you.

But we all have imaginings that we want to be true. That's stuff with that. What is freedom? What is freedom and aspiration? Anything to do, for me, anything to do with work. you're into contexts, different cultures, view it differently. Do we live in a free country? More or less, we think we do, but our internet is policed.

There are search terms that won't show up in this country that will in Japan. Am I free to set this building on fire? Kind of, but there's consequences. But philosophically, what is freedom? Being happy with yourself and who you are, and just living life your way. How about that? That's lovely that.

Well, am I allowed to answer the questions as well, or is it just? Yes, Sam. Oh, no, Brian covered it on that one, but for future ones I'd like to. Okay, the next one is for you then, Sam, Sammy, Samuel. What is good and what is evil? Oh, wow, that's fantastic. Start with the easy ones, why don't you? This is what Austin Powers explored as well, wasn't it?

Austin Powers is good and Dr. Evil is evil. And then sitting in between, we've got mini-me. Who was more on the sojournalistic? Oh, you're one of those, are you? Hold on, right. I'll jump. Would your answer on that, Lucy, have been Austin? Yeah.

Wrong. Here's why. Oh, here's why I would challenge it. The first film was Liz Hurley playing Vanessa Kensington. And she's having nothing to do with him. Then they're playing Twister. They're getting drunk and tidily. and finally they end up on the bed

and she hits that moment of oh go on then and she's game and he says no you're smashed it wouldn't be right and that is Austin saying you can't give consent when you're drunk

how about that? Yeah how about that Lucy so if once a girl is consensual he'll bang her rotten baby he will shagadelic baby Yeah, so I think he's a misunderstood character. Oh, that's lovely.

And what about Dr. Evil? Do you see any good in him at all? Well, he turned to help Austin in the end, didn't he? Again, context. So it's 20 years of talking utter nonsense on Austin jobs. I've learned that you can take anything and twist it, whichever way you want. Am I right in assuming we all have a father in this group? Oh, no, no, mine passed away at 55 long ago.

Oh, dear. Well, I wouldn't mind reflecting, and everyone's saying one great memory with their father. Sitting on a tractor, being about five, obviously too young to drive, but you're seeing that all the time. So just in between my father's legs on the tractor and, you know, hands on the steering wheel. And it's like, yeah. And the nice thing you can drive a track. of 14 on the farm so you know it was all leading up to that so that's one oh i like to doing that with your dad as well i can't remember seeing you there when he took me out do you have a happy

memory with your father sam um this recent christmas oh if i may um if i may be bold to go back to um that uh euletide fever we were walking along a boardwalk and um it was quite early in the morning on Boxing Day, in fact. And this lady, do you know Jim Beam? You know Jim Beam? Yep. This lady with a Jim Beam hat walked up to us and she goes, You guys having fun?

Oh, that's lovely. It's just funny that she just saw this dad and his son and just went, you guys having fun? Oh, that's nice. And how did your dad react? We both really liked it. I don't know. When we got back to the car, we really laughed.

We just thought it was just so weird. I really liked it. You guys having fun? Did you reply? Oh, yeah. We were like, oh, absolutely. Yeah. having a good time on the boardwalk, yeah.

And is your dad over here, or is this back over in Australia? He's in Australia. He lives in Tasmania, yeah. Do you miss it? Of course, yeah. But not enough to live and where. Not enough to call or email, but I have no idea. What's a question from me now, culturally, what makes Tasmania stand out all different to mainland Australians?

Oh gosh, I don't know, I'd be on the whole. sit like this. I feel I might let Lucy take this one. I didn't think it was a real place today. I remember. I was getting, what's that one in Dracula? Transylvania. Yeah, yeah. And that's not real, is it?

Yes, it is. That's real. Yeah. Oh, God. It's part of her way. They're both real. Yeah. Yeah. A lot of Transylvanian people live in Ireland. Did I ever tell you about when I shouted?

I didn't know that, no. And then got interrogated. I was really, I talked a lot at school. I was always getting, you know, sent out of lessons for talking. But I wasn't, you know, I've never had, you know, I've never been naughty at school ever. No, you're curious. Yeah. I was never had a detention. Apart from this, I was putting like solitary confinement. It was now looking back as an adult. It's absolutely hilarious Because I went to just, it was like just a normal high school In East Yorkshire You were getting you, Dorothy, what is it, Dolores-Price on? Well, I don't even know why you did it. We were just in an assembly. Did they send the peelers after you?

Well, yeah, for no reason. I just shouted out IRA. Is that all you shouted out? Yeah, and I shocked myself. And I shocked everybody. Everyone was like, why did you do that? I don't know. And then the head teacher,

took me into a room. It was as if like this was his moment he'd always wanted to be in the FBI. And he was like, I'm going to take this very seriously. What are your links to the eye out? How old were you at the time? Oh, 13. The tender age of 13.

He was psyching you out. You're sacking me out. You want to play this game. Oh, do you think? Oh, so you don't think he actually thought I had ties to him. No, no. I think so, because a lot of people in the IRA,

they can't keep it secret anymore, and they just will bellow out really loudly. They'll just shout IRA. It often happens. I had heard it on the news. You would have seen the other Jerry Adams on the news. Well, the reason he knew I didn't was because I said, I said, no, I've seen Sinn Féin on the news,

and I got Jerry Adams, and I thought Sinn Féin was a person. and I didn't and then he was like it's fine you can go back to maths it's it's loose how can we change the world

for the better philosophically change begins with yourself so change yourself then you change the most effect you can have is yourself and those around you. Focus on that, if you like, tend to your own

garden. Go on protests and et cetera. Protests are, they have a value, but not like they used to. Governments, you know, we've had half a million on the streets of London and it just gets ignored now. But it still sends a message. Probably the biggest thing is get the hell off the internet and run. And just to continue on this, also have a goal. gong bath if you'd want to. Yes, I've heard those. I've had a friend that had a gong bath and she said she was

tripping her thruptny bits off. She said it was great. It sounds like there was martin. Who was that gong bath there, Brian? No, she's into her relaxation and meditation, etc. And it just... Are you suggesting we might find her in a hammock?

Oh, very easily. The vibrational farce of the gongs, do you think that's what did it? It puts, from what I can gather, it puts your brain working into a different mode. So you've got like alpha waves, beta waves, and it puts you into a deep relaxation mode. Wow.

Have you gone bathed yet, Lucy? No, I've never gone bath, no. I haven't done one either. In the coming week, I do one you to one. Next week we talk about it. Why don't we do one on the podcast? I don't know if you can. I think you have to be like fully silent

and still while the gong takes its effect. You need to go through it. You could call it the gong show. Oh, yeah. Isn't that interesting that gongs were so negative, like someone would be performing and you'd gong them and they'd be sort of dispensed of. And now gongs, we seek the gong and we want to be gonged

and we want the gong to go travel through us. There's a T-shirt slogan. I want to be gonged. I want to be gonged. Do you know, if we keep this up, we can have a big t-shirt. shirt business going here, I think so. I want to be gonged. Is that the second album by the sovereign widders? Yeah. I want to be gonged by you. Do you have anything to interject with that

question, Sam? Or was it just about gongs? Do you have any advice? I interject it. I said have a gong by. Yeah, but do you have anything more than to add to that or shall I move on to the next question? That's what I'm asking. Well, I'm talking about the people who run gong. Have you had one, Brian? No. I wish one of us had everyone, but apparently the people, they only hire people with very deep voices because they don't want, do you know what I mean? Like the person comes with like, hello, it's going to be having.

Welcome to the gong bath. Because you don't want someone coming in and be like, hey, guys, we've got a great gong for you. Oh, I've got a question for Lucy. Yeah. What's in your bag at the moment? The one behind me? Yeah.

Did you know? You noticed. Oh. It's huge. you can see do you want to know oh at your discretion of course here's a book so do you remember

the late great Sean Locke oh yes well I think it's okay to say I think I think he worked mine that when Sean Locke was in his last few months on earth he started reading this book

called The Daily Stoic and he he took I mean I wasn't close to him, but I know people who were, you know, I'd just really worked with him a couple of times. I really liked him. But apparently he would he rang a lot of his friends

and said that it's changed his life this book, The Daily Stoic. And he was, you know, gaining a lot of, you know, he was doing a lot for him, reading it. He's getting a lot of comfort from it and he really felt, and he said it's the best book he's ever read.

I've started reading it, but of course it's making me feel. quite sad because I'm imagining he read it you know but that I just thought gosh it was it feels quite poignant that this book is so every day it's got the day and then and then it tells you a philosophical quote from a philosopher who was seen as quite a stoic philosopher and then it gives you a quote and then gives you sort of like an insightful sort of guidance for the day could we possibly get today's quote or would that be a bit of Am I sort of pushing it here?

Gosh, I'm sad that you're coming towards your end of your life, but how lovely that you sort of still, each day is like meaningful, because each day must really count, wasn't it? Yeah. It reminds you, doesn't it? You know, that a day's massive, isn't it? If you've not got long.

It's that eternal question of what's it all about? Who am I? Why am I? And no one knows, do they? No, it's for each of us to discover, I guess. Do you believe in reincarnation? Effectively, no. Wasn't there that guy who, I think, in the 60s he got cryogenically frozen and then they bought him back to someone?

I don't know if they brought him back. Walt Disney's had his head frozen. Oh, I was talking about Austin Powers. Oh, yeah, very good. Sorry, sorry. Yeah, we digress. I was away from that. But whilst not believing in it,

understanding the concept and kind of applying that as if it did could be a benefit to make you think, well, this is what you would do to have a better next life. So you're doing better. So why not do it anyway? Does that make sense? It does. And do you know, it really rings true for today's, is it the 13th of March, isn't it? It is.

Smack us with today's one. And it says one day it will all make sense. Oh. That amazing. It says, and this is by a philosopher called epictesis from a book called Discourses. And he says, I presume it's a he. Whenever you find yourself blaming Providence, turn it around in your mind, and you will see that what has happened is in keeping with reason.

It's hard to argue with that. That's watertight. How many times we've had a situation were, it's like, Damn, damn, this is, gosh, I didn't want that. And six months a year later, thank God that happened. Because if he hadn't, this wouldn't have happened. And the guy who wrote the book called Ryan Holiday, he put, part of the reason we fight against the things that happen

is that we're so focused on our plan that we forget that there might be a bigger plan we don't know about. And that is what we're talking about, isn't it? Have you ever been asked to give a little quote on a book, Lucy? Yeah, a couple of times. Yeah, they've ever used them. I'm on one. It's finally happened for me. What? Who's? This guy, Robert Popper, genius guy. He said, it's not on the hardback. Don't get the hard back.

Don't waste your time with the hard back. It's just on the soft cover. And I put a little quote and it's been accepted. And what did you say? I think I said that one of the best ever in terms of the world's books. Well, no wonder if put it on then, Sam. You think it's a stunning quote? How can you get better then? It depends what the books are back.

What is it about? I didn't get the chance to read it, but they say, do you want. Brian, if you were in this book, The Daily Stoic, what would your quote be for like, if they said, oh, we want you to do a page of this book? What would you say, your final message to the people who might be going through the last year of their life? Oh, going last year.

I hope it's been a great ride and it's all been a dream. Can we get you to say it as Austin Powers? I hope you've had a great life, and it's all been a dream, baby. This podcast will be recorded for training purposes only. Hello, Brainiacs. Hello, perfect people. Oh, nice.

I'm Amy Gled Hill. My name is Ian Smith. And we are from the Northern News podcast. If you like podcasts, where it's a male and female home, The woman is from Hull, you're going to love Northern News. Yeah, and if you're thinking, but I'd like the man to be from Gull, that's what this is. Yeah, not Australia. No, but if you listen to our back catalogue, you will hear both Sam Campbell and Lucy Bermont doing bloody good bits on our show, actually.

Yeah, and it's all about finding the weird bizarre stories from the north of England or wherever our guests are from. Things like Pure Evil Blackbird named Derek terrorising Yorkshire Village and a town. attacking children. Woman in tears after spotting spitting image of dead dog in Bath, Matt. And we've got special guests. We're talking about people like Phil Wang, Jessica Nappet, Ed Campbell and Ross Noble. Who joined us in the studio? Woo-hoo!

Yeah. That's Northern News, out every Thursday, wherever you get your podcasts.