Lucy & Sam's Perfect Brains - Perfect Outfits

Episode Date: October 17, 2025

Fit check. OOTD. GRWM. Lucy and Sam choose their perfect outfit. Recorded and edited by Naomi Parnell for Plosive.  Artwork by Sam Campbell. Theme music by Charlie Pelling, Lucy Beaumont and Sam Campbell. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Throughout the course of history, there's been no art of mysteries, but never won't quite as far as the secret garden of Babylon. Of Babylon, oh Babylon, the garden, O Babylon, do not surrender. Oh kids that bloom all year round, an action fountain that makes not a sound. So check out this garden. Please don't be afraid. It's Lucy and Sam's Perfect Brits. Lucy and Sam's Perfect Brits. Lucy and Sam's Perfect Brits.

This podcast will be recorded for training purposes only. Hello Lucy and hello listeners. And a special, and we'd like to dedicate this episode to Meow Meow and Otto. They're Macass. Yeah. One's been a bit constipated. The other one's found. The Welsh cats, I got them from real.

They cost 50 pounds, these cats. And so we took one of them to the vets. And she said, there's got a temperature. Let's do a scan. I guess how much the scan cost. This is a cat scan. Yeah, a cat scan. Yeah, for a kitten from Real that costs 50 pounds.

Oh, I mean, my printer can scan. Scanning's not hard. No, I can scan stuff. I would think it'd be hard. It's not hard to scan. I don't know. four pounds a thousand pounds

are you yanking people's chains a thousand a thousand pounds just scan something well i thought do you know when you got a holiday couldn't you just put it through that machine and just get them to check its inside yeah that's not bad

they'll probably die if I don't scan it dream on dream on we are anti-veterians on this podcast we think they're all shysters honestly if you are listening to this and you have a pet just none of the stuff that they're putting out there is real. Chocolate, dogs can have chocolate. Lyca, the space dog that they sent up into space.

He was up there eating crunchy bars, Milky Way, and all this. Yeah, absolutely. Did he go on it soon? It did, unfortunately. Yeah. And it never came back as well. It's still out there. Why?

It's horrible what they did. And they told the dog that it would come back. They're like, and he was like, I'll come back here because I had it communicating using a sort of early version of an iPad. That's not fair, is it? Well, a lot of us are campaigning to bring Lyca back down to Earth. and to learn from him. It's quite similar to McGregny.

You've got a chalet in Withensy. You know what a chalet is, don't you? A chalet, is that a sort of early version of a wagon? No, it's like a wooden holiday hut. Okay, yeah. It's like a caravan, a static caravan, but quite cheap little holiday house. Yeah.

And it's built slightly on stilts. And then we once took their cat with us on holiday, and the cat got stuck underneath the family. foundations of the house and it was it was this big argument of do we leave it and just drive off because we just wanted to go or do we try and get it out for hours and that was a bit like with that space dog of like you know is it worth it is it worth it will it be all right what will it do it'll be all right in space so it'll learn it'll really we did see in tasmania we went to visit this woman called sandra a very tall woman who has is looking after baby devils, Tasmanian devils. Are they real? Yeah. No.

Tasmanian devil, yeah. You mean like the cartoon? The Tasmanian devil? That's based on the very same, yeah. But it's made up, it's a made-up animal. No, no, these are real. No, it's a cartoon. No, things are...

Do you think rabbits are real? Do you think Bugs Bunny is only a work of fiction? Yeah, but it's just not some... It's called the Tasmanian Devil and it spins around. This is a real animal, and they're not brown, like they're black with a small white patch around their neck. Honestly, I can't believe this. This is really news to me.

Yeah, well, they're real. I mean, they're a pretty endangered species. A lot of them have tumours. But she's rescued four of them, the babies, and they are, they only, they're scavengers, but they don't kill Tasmanian devils. They eat, like, animals, like, animals they find that are already dead. And does it, like, whizz through a house,

and, like, cars, like, loads of carnage? No, they're in a special hut, a special hutch. What, so they don't whizz around? They don't spin that much. They are fast, they are quick, and they're always snarling. Yeah, that's what, have you seen the cartoon? Yeah, yeah, I know him, yeah.

I think he played on the team in Space Jam. FBI, CIA. Okay, so we're doing perfect outfits. Will you go first? Okay, well, a while back, I was thinking about buying an It costume cousin it off amazon wait it as in the that clown uh the one that's just hair from adam's family oh yeah

the cousin it because there's him and then there's the five children in it yo not that one no just like an it as a jerk i was going to get one because um there's so many it i was getting photographed quite a bit and i was like this is this is daft i could literally why don't i just go around it and i never bought it and there's been so many times i've wished i've just bought a full-length it costume because of it

and this is to feel to fool the paparato well just like not just for that just like that actually like it'd be really funny going out with friends in it

like meeting to you know people like to just wear around the house it'd be funny on Zooms like that actually what was a joke thing that I was thinking as a joke actually I regret not buying it

and I've been in so many situations and I thought God I would have loved that Well, it's not too late, and I, this is a, okay, what if you just, maybe you don't even need the outfit, because all it is is a hat and some sunglasses. Oh, it's not. I'm looking at it, but you could grow the hair. But the hair, I couldn't grow it to that length. Yeah, you could smear your entire body in Rogain.

What's Rogain? That's what men use to help their hair grow if they're suffering from male hair loss. I've got quite long hair, but not down to my feet, you know. No, but if you covered your feet in, in this, in this special. cream, it would grow. Do you think? Yeah. I don't know. I like the idea of it. It's sort of like a waterfall effect, isn't it? If you see the ones on Amazon. What, the it costumes. Yeah. That's going to be your perfect outfit. Yeah, because I think that that would have more of an effect on myself and others. I think it's quite a bold choice. And I think I honestly, I think I would

wear it a lot. And I think it would be like, oh, she's in the, you know, oh, Lucy's in that dress as it again. But also, I could be incognito. I could go places and nobody would know. Do you find yourself often being swamped by paparata and the fans? No, not so much. No, no. I do get a lot, I've said before, haven't I, you're very popular with a certain type of young lady oh yeah what do you think about that so my perfect outfit yeah what's your perfect outfit are you sure you're locking in the it from the adams family yeah that's my perfect outfit i do wonder whether there should be like an outfit that's like um helps environmental you know that's meant to um protect you from radiation oh yeah because you can get necklin

but they've never made it into fashion, have they, like a whole outfit that protects you? That's not a bad idea. From radiation, microplastics, CO2, BOCs, you know, they would probably have to be some sort of like headset. Yeah, this is kind of an interesting idea. Like, do you remember the Jetsons? Oh, I love them so much, yeah. If you think about what they were wearing. Yeah, they looked good.

I think one of them was scooting around and sort of a saucer. Yeah, but they looked like. like space age, and we should be space age. I'd rarely see someone wearing a silver, silver shorts, any kind of silver. I've got a silver skirt, actually. But I know what you mean. Not as much, you know. What would your favourite outfit be?

Well, let's start with some silver gloves that go all the way up my arms to the shoulder, to the shoulders. Would you wear silver gloves all the way up there? They're really long gloves that I need someone to help me put on. And I don't think I've ever seen. in your arms, I couldn't tell you what they look like. They're all right. Have you got nice arms?

That would be worth showing off, showcasing. Oh, okay, I see what you mean. Okay, no, that's a good point. So these gloves, while silver, are somewhat translucent, so you can see my arms. Like Mick Hucknell's skin. Like Mick Hucknell's skin. Absolutely.

Wait, does he have translucent skin? Yeah. Well, you can see his skull through his skin. Yeah. Everyone knows that. I didn't know that. Yeah, it's like, you know, the Vietnamese rolls, summer rolls.

Yeah, yeah, I know exactly what you're talking about. Oh, wow, I'm looking at it. I'm looking at a picky, and you're absolutely right. Yeah, there's nothing wrong with it. It's just his colouring. I can simply see his entire skeleton through his skin. Yeah. Wow.

So I'd have that, like sort of Mick Hucknell-inspired gloves. Long, they go all the way up to the shoulder. Can we picture this? Yes, yeah, yeah. And then I would have a parrot as well. Is that part of an outfit? A parrot. What, if you got a theme, are you just going for, like, glam?

Oh, what's my theme? Dressed to impress. My theme is dressed to impress, yeah. Mine is this is what I'd wear to an award ceremony, and people would just be like, it shouldn't work, but it does. And is it a real parrot? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, maybe it's albino.

An albino. Yeah. I've seen hamsters out of albino hamsters. So I've got a albino parrot that repeats. Because they repeat things you've said, don't they? They're a bloody amazing, aren't they? Did you see that news? I read a newspaper article the other day.

One got stuck on a roof, and the fireman went up to get it, and it was just telling them to fuck off. You'd be so pissed off, and you know, having to climb a roof to get a parrot down, and it tells you to fuck off. Just fuck off. but you know I stayed with a lady it was do you know it was fascinating this lady I once stayed with her I was doing a play in some

I don't know where it was in Essex countryside and I stayed with this lady who had this really really old farmhouse and it was incredible she had a fox that she trekked like a dog a little baby fox had got like trapped or something She domesticated this foxling? The room's vibrating. What, your room is vibrating?

Yeah. Is there some kind of quake? What's going on? Oh, wow. Can you hear it? I'll feel it. No. It's gone now.

Oh. It's funny. It's loosey and sounds perfectly great. What was we saying? Oh, you were saying a woman had a fox that had the powers of a dog. Yeah, so... Now Lucy's frozen For me.

Oh, shit. Hello, Plosive? Hello? Oh, dear. Lucy has a perfect brains. Lucy has a... Lucy has a perfect brains. Okay, so where were...

There was a... The woman had a pet fox that had dog behaviour. So she had a pet fox, and then, you know, all her beams, these wooden beams, she had Death Watch Beetle. Oh. She was telling me.

why they call Death Watch Beatle. Why is it? I can't remember. Oh, my goodness. I think it was something to do with when you're on your deathbed, you could hear the clicking of the Death Watch people, you know, building old farmhouses, and it sounded like a ticking clock.

Sort of counting you down. Counting you down, yeah. But the remarkable thing that I wanted to tell you was that she had a parrot. and this parrot was so sneaky. So what she used to do, she used to always think she could hear her husband

and she'd come down and he was never there and she couldn't understand it and then he'd come in like 10 minutes later and the parrot had learnt to mimic the husband's voice to piss her off and would go, honey, I'm home! And so she'd come down and he wasn't there.

And then the other thing for ages, they used to think the microwave had stopped cooking, so they used to come in. But it wasn't, it was still cooking. And it had learned to do the bell noise of the microwave stopping. Wow. The little bastard. They're very conniving.

But also, why is it doing that? It needs more attention. Yeah, it needs because there was not giving it any attention. Yeah, yeah. I used to have a pet cockatiel, and I used to rub its crest, like, from, yeah, and it used to really appreciate that. Oh, did it? Yeah, we thought it was a little.

boy, well, until it laid an egg. So on my assort, I would have an albino parrot that pretty much like a jukebox almost so you can sing any song. It's almost like Spotify. Yeah, so I say to it, I'll go, Chapel Run, whatever I'll say, you know. Why does it need to be albino? It doesn't need to be, but I think it, oh, I think it adds a nice little touch. Do you?

Yeah. So you'd have that on your shoulder? Yeah. You'd have long gloves. Did I mention what the parrot's wearing? because, as you know, I have got a bare shoulder. My gloves go up to the shoulder, but then I've got a bare shoulder. Oh, you mean a naked shoulder, not like a...

Oh, sorry, yes, yes, so totally naked, totally nude shoulder. And the parrot is wearing little slippers, so it doesn't mark my skin. Oh, my gosh, that's so cute. Could you make the parrot look a bit like Hugh Hefner in like a robe and slippers? That's not a bad idea. Yeah, the parrot's wearing a beautiful little sort of red velvet robe. Yeah, and he says kind of stuff that's... Oh, not off colour, but you're kind of like, you are towing the line there.

You're lucky you're a parrot, okay? Because otherwise I'd slap you. Ever such a funny thing that happens. I've got, and I don't, I shouldn't admit it, but I've got a dodgy stick. Do you know what they are? Hold on. What's a dodgy stick?

A dodgy stick is, um, When you don't want to pay for Sky, you can buy off everyone in the, wherever you live, there's some sort. I've heard about these. These are what people used to watch the football illegally. Yeah. Yeah, they're amazing. Oh, so you cannot say this.

Why? Are you mad? What are they going to do? Are you sound of mind? You're admitting to having a dodgy stick? Everyone's got one. If you're Northern, you have to have one. You've got a dodgy stick.

Be watching BBC breakfast every morning. You don't need a dodgy stick to watch that. No, but it's on the dodgy stick. And I've got really into watching it, like, with a cup of tea, you know, every morning. And then, you know how you have to, like, on BBC News? You have, like, the national bit, and then it goes to a regional bit. Regional. And for weeks and weeks, I haven't noticed that my regional area is Northern Ireland.

So you're getting a lot of news about Jerry Adams. I'm only getting information. about Northern Ireland but I didn't tweak that it was Northern Ireland and also when it brings up the weather there's Newcastle on the map because they have a Newcastle in Northern Ireland so you were fooled

I've been having conversations with friends and saying go it all kicked off in dairy didn't it the other day and God it was meant to be minus four but it wasn't was it like I know loads of information.

You know, that Dolores Price is in trouble again. And until someone said, why are you always talking about Northern Ireland? I was like, oh God, I don't know. I just seem to like know a lot about it. And then tweaked it because all my news is coming from. Oh, I've got so many questions. Where did you get the dodgy stick? You don't have to say names, but how does it work?

From basically... You meet someone by the canal. Is that out? The dat went. there was a forum you go on and then you find your local dodgy stick dealer and then he brings it around in a farm on there. I thought you were the nation's sweetheart. You're on the dark web?

No, I'm joking. I mean, just like you can Google. You are, wow. Dodgy sticks. I can't believe this. Dodgy stick. Yeah. Once you've got a dealer, a dodgy stick dealer, you can then hook them up with other people.

So do you get a new one every week or you just have one dodgy stick? Just one dodgy stick. But then, like, other people go, oh, where did you get your dodgy stick? And then you give him the number, and then he goes around to their house as well. He comes around. He comes around, yes. The stick man. Okay, so my perfect, I've got this amazing parrot who's wearing a robe and is sort of saucy.

I've got these long gloves. I'm wearing a hat that I wear a different feather from a different bird every day. Really? Yeah, I've got this, like, beautiful little trilby. And then the feather inside it is from a different bird. every day. I wake up with the crack of dawn and go and find a bird and sort of beg for a feather and have that in a hat. Oh, wow, what a great start to you do. You never see that on Instagram. No, you don't. Oh, yeah, everyone's doing hot yoga. All this crap. I beg for a feather.

A feather from a precious rare bards. Oh, I love that, Sam. Yeah, that's not bad, hey? And then I've got the chin thing. Have you ever seen a fairo? No, not up close, no. But have you ever seen that they've got like this strange thing on their chin? It's like a, I don't know what it is. Like Bruce Farsive? Oh, he's just got a big chin, doesn't he? Well, he did have.

He passed away and his ashes was sprinkled at the Palladium Theatre. Yeah, weird that I found that weird. They don't vacuum. So I've got this long, pharaoh-like chin ornament. Do you know what I'm talking about? No. A spectacle. It's not, it's a sceptor.

It's like a sceptor of the chin. It's like, it's so hard to explain. It's just this chin sort of dangling. But back then that probably was sexy, wasn't it? Oh, incredibly, yeah. Concubines were clambering to grab onto that chin thing. How would you attach it to your face? I would use spirit gum.

What's that? A special glue. I'm thinking I would wear a nice singlet, very thick. What's that? A singlet is like what an old man would wear to bed. I feel like we've had this conversation before. We have. Would you call it a best?

Yeah. Okay, yeah, a really nice thick vest. I think I remember not liking that you called it single. Our first huge fight. I think it made me uneasy. Yeah, sorry about that. So I'd have, yeah, a really nice thick vest. Right, yeah.

And in the middle, we would have a motivational saying. What, like? Don't sweat the small stuff. Some of those motivational sayings in Primac are really passive, aggressive. And I don't know who's writing them, but I don't think they should be, have a psychological assessment done on them. What's an example? One just says dump him.

But like, why? What if he's not done anything wrong? They could ruin a beautiful marriage. That's crazy. I just think it's a bit much that, isn't it? That is, Primark should look at that. What did I see? Sarcasm is one of the services I offer.

That one made me laugh. Okay, so mine says, don't sweat the small stuff. Oh, right. Yeah, that's all right. Yeah, yeah. Could I go one up on that? I like this saying, not my circus, not my monkeys. We've got that on the back.

Okay. That's on the back, yeah. I love that, and I do genuinely say that to myself, and it honestly helps me. Yeah, because sometimes you're taking on other people's problems. Well, an really old man once said to me, because I said, how have you lived this long

and have been this healthy? And do you know what he said? I keep my nose out with other people's business. It's so true. And I thought, actually, there's a lot to be said for that. There's so many, there's so many Robin X, there's so many sticky beaks. Yeah.

Oh, I've got a new thing that I've started saying. Ask me how I am. How are you, Sam? Could be better. Could be worse. Could be in a Cadillac. Could be in a hearse.

What do you think about that? And that's an original, by the way, from the dome. Do you say that like just in like Sainspris and stuff at the... I have not had a chance to say it yet. No one's really asked me how I am. But I'm looking forward to, yeah,

hopefully getting to say it soon. I love it. Yeah, I sort of spend time just walking around thinking of things that I could say. Really, do you? Yeah. I think some people don't plan. I walk around and reciting the lyrics of Krista Berg a lot.

Which song, Lady in Red? Yeah. Is this a dream? No, it's real. Okay, what am I wearing in the bottom half? I am wearing, oh gosh, this is tough. Maybe just a pair of, like, classic ripped jeans. I don't think that's good enough.

I think if you're going for a parrot with slippers on, yeah. Don't just, don't cop out now. with the jeans oh okay i i'm saying that as a friend i don't want you to take that the wrong way is that okay what do you reckon then what what what's the best sort of bottoms you can get flares flares can't get flares absolutely yeah i'm just trying to think what kind of flares right with with some rime stones bell bottom flares you know not too flary yeah tasteful you don't want to distract from the slogan and the parrot and the yeah yeah okay so so yeah i've got these

fliers, they are ripped flares, by the way. They've been ripped. Who by? Oh, um, the parrot. Not the parrot. These have been ripped by Jack the Ripper himself. So are you claim. No, it says it on the little tag. These are authentic ripped jeans, ripped by the Ripper himself. Wow. And then barefoot, I'm going barefoot, Tim Minchin star. Oh, are you? I know. I'm so worried that he's going to step on a syringe, but yeah, I mean, he knows what he's doing. Tim Minchin doesn't wear shoes. He says the shoe is more dangerous than a gun. He says if we didn't wear shoes, our toes would have the functionality of fingers and we'd be able to play instruments with them. He plays piano with his toes. I can do loads with my toes. I like

fingers. Could you give someone the finger with your foot? No. Just tried it now. So, but they are long and weird. Tos have that they can grip, like the double jointed and they can grip. They're dexterous. Yeah, yeah. I'm not worried about losing my arms, put it that way. Be careful, the Manhattan Project at B I-C-I-C-I-A. Right, so you're not going to wear any shoes. You've got your flares. You've got your slogan T-shirt. You've got your parrot with little slippers and the dressing gown on.

Of course. You've got your long gloves. Naturally. And you said they were silver. Oh, yes, but translucent so you can see through if people want to notice my arms. What we all want to know, where are you going, dressed like this? To a premiere. Oh, my gosh.

Of what? Yeah, a new play. Oh, that's, of course, to the theatre. Yeah. Have you ever wore makeup? Because I feel like that outfit, you could do with a little bit of, you know, like Bowie had that lightning stride.

Okay, so you want me to have sort of some sort of symbol on my face. Maybe some brackets. So do you know the bracket, like when a word is in brackets? Oh, yeah, I do. I'd have those either side of my face to draw attention to my features. So your face, basically saying it's like a... That it's worth noticing, yeah.

What about bookends? Oh, that's not bad. Or what about like little quote? Like the... Are they called quote marks? Speech marks. Yeah, speech marks. Yeah, speech marks. Yeah, both your eyebrows.

Yeah. Look, maybe I'll just have a whole bunch of symbols. I'll just show the guy that, um, my keyboard and just say, whichever ones you can get on there, get on there. I feel like you could pull this off. It's Lucy and Sam's Perfect Brain. Lucy and Self's Perfect Wakes. Well, let's just do a quick recap of your perfect outfit.

Yeah. It from the Adams family. It from the Adams family. Nothing special, but, you know, as a fancy dress costume, I'm not trying to recreate it. I'm not trying to recreate it. Yeah. You know what I mean?

I absolutely do. I simply like the fact that it covers my head to toe and has a comical effect and can be used to get out of situations where I don't want people to know it's me and to become a bit of a gimmick where, oh gosh, she's in, she's in that again. A slice of anonymity and a chance to sort of put a smile on people's dials. Yeah. Could we find out some of the listeners what their perfect outfit would be? Oh, yes.

Please email us also your perfect outfit at Lucy and Sam's Perfect Brains at gmail.com. Oh, and we want to do an episode called Scare Us Silly. So please record one minute of a scary tale or a scary moment. Nothing that's gratuitous or rude and nothing too gory. I want it fictional, okay? Yeah, yeah, fictional. I don't want to take on anyone else's baggage at this point in time. Yeah, stuff like an old man who had like a pen that was like made of skin or something.

Yeah, like attics. Attics are good, dark, dark holes. Yeah, a spider that is so big that it traps a human in its web. like stuff like that please rocking chairs anything with a rocking chair i'm already terrified so scary stories and perfect outfits and don't get that mixed up by the way don't be like i was wearing a dress made of blood yeah yeah keep that separate keep them separate in two different heading two different emails yes and narcissistic parents talk to that with professionals we are not professionals not in that field no in other fields would you say you're a professional in your field do you feel like you're professional i don't always feel like a pro but

I think I am a pro, yeah. I've got to be. You are. I mean, you're like a master professional. Why? You're just, you, you're, you're, you're, you're, you're outstanding in your field. I'm not very good on my socials. I don't want, can I just say, my Instagram is just all these weird drawings you've done of me. It looks mental if you were. Do we all know what we're doing? Scare us silly or your perfect outfit. We want to get a scientist. If you are a scientist, email us. We are trying to get a scientist. We are desperately trying to get a scientist, aren't we? Please, please, please contact us.

You are our only hope. We want a prisoner and also a journalist. Oh, and an Olympian. We want to know about the Olympic Village. Well, thank you very much, Lucy. I think that's, what a great episode. Well done, Sam. I find you.

Why is your room orange? Shut up. Don't tell people my room colour. Have you repainted it? No, I haven't repainted. It's just different lighting. Because I was self-conscious because you said my room was skin-coloured. Lucy and Sam's perfect braids.

This podcast will be recorded for training purposes only. Hello, Brainiacs. Hello, perfect people. Oh, nice. I'm Amy Gledhill. My name is Ian Smith. And we are from the Northern News podcast. If you like podcasts where it's a male and female host,

the woman is from Hull, you're going to love Northern News. Yeah, and if you're thinking, but I'd like the man to be from Gull, that's what this is. Yeah, not Australia. No, but if you listen to our back catalogue, you will hear both Sam Campbell and Lucy. Lucy Bermont, doing bloody good bits on our show, actually. Yeah, and it's all about finding the weird bizarre stories

from the north of England or wherever our guests are from. Things like, pure evil blackbird named Derek terrorising Yorkshire village and attacking children. Woman in tears after spotting spitting image of dead dog in Bath, Matt. And we've got special guests. We're talking about people like Phil Wang, Jessica Nappit, Ed Campbell, and Ross Noble, who joined us in the studio. Woo-hoo!

That's Northern News, out every Thursday, wherever you get your podcasts.