Mad, Sad and Bad with Paloma Faith - Alan Carr: I Use Humour As A Shield

Episode Date: January 28, 2025

Alan Carr has been a great friend of mine for years so I was delighted when he said he'd be my first ever guest on Mad, Sad and Bad!Anyone who's ever seen or met Alan will know he has a magnetic presence and is a true entertainer. He's one of the funniest people I know, but I was excited to speak to him and go beyond the funny man and delve into a more serious side of Alan... We speak about the grief of losing a pet and exchange some (quite mad) stories of dating on the other side of divorce. He also shares the worst thing he's ever done, and I don't mind telling you, my jaw dropped...And as much as we get a little serious at times, this was still a very funny conversation!—Find us on: Instagram / TikTok / YouTube—Credits:Producer: Jemima RathboneAssistant Producer: Magda CassidyEdit Producer: Pippa BrownEditor: Shane O'ByrneVideo: Jake Ji & Grisha NikolskyVideo Editor: Joel SommazziOriginal music: BUTCH PIXYSocial Media: Laura CoughlanMarketing: Eleanore BamberExec Producer: Jemima RathboneExec Producers for Idle Industries: Dave Granger & Will MacdonaldSenior Exec Producer: Holly Newson Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello, I'm Paloma Faith and this is my show. Each week I welcome someone fantastic into my home to talk about what makes them mad, sad and bad. Roll recording. Looking off your shoes here. Really? Yeah. You're not one of those houses, are you?

Sorry. You've changed. You used to be fun. I don't know when that was. Come in. All right, on camera, please, make me look fit. You look brave and studied. To you, he's a stand-up comedian who first hit the mainstream,

hosting the Friday Night Project and Chattie Man. He travels with Amanda Holden in the Italian job, has his own podcast, Life's The Beach, hosts Interior Design Masters for the BBC, has written two autobiographies and even created a sitcom, changing ends for ITV. He's a national Trevor. National Trevor, I like that.

National Trevor. He's a national Trevor, loved by everyone. He's a national treasure loved by everyone from whichever walk of life. But to me, he's a friend I've given food poisoning to, a man who made me tell the nation on his podcast that I've given at least one blowjob job in my life. The rest are, of course, speculation. And the person who left a pair of shoes at my house two years ago

that I am now, for the first time ever, world exclusive, going to confess I gave to a charity shop six weeks ago. You didn't. They were designer. They were Paul Smith, weren't they? So sorry, but I never thought you were coming back. I thought you'd ghosted me, which we can speak about later. Like me, he feels his life as a performer.

He is at times lonely, and his marriage ended at a similar time to my own life-changing breakup, except that I had kids and they had dogs. So we have a lot to bond over when it comes to matters of the heart. He's lovable, charming and disarming. He's our favourite chatty round, Alan Carr. Oh, thank you. Hi.

So when I came through the door and you said, can you take your shoes off? I'm setting up a little side hustle. I'm going to go back there. They're going to be gone. That's charity shop. There's going to be some tramp wearing them. No, the charity shop, they're just making absolute min off your shoes. So I thought they've already gone.

They've been sent. There's none for you to go back. Mum, we are filming, so you can't just talk. Alan, I've bought you tea. Oh, hello, love. How are you? My Pilates is improving. Anyway, how's your mum?

Oh, she's great, really good, sends her love. I love my mum. She's my best friend. I know it's gay to say that, but she isn't. Well, if it is, I'm gay. Oh, let's be gay together. You make a lovely cup of tea. That's delicious, thank you.

Anyway, see in a bit. We'll see you soon. Thanks, mum. Bye, Pamela. I'm not being really, but I'd rather talk to, Pam. Well, you might in a minute. Play, will you make us a cup of tea

and I'll sit with Dr. Cam about a Pilates? All right, so it's called Mad, Sad and Bad. Yeah. I think that I've been told my whole life I'm mad, so I'm sort of interested in making myself feel less alone. So this podcast is more about you. This is like fucking free therapy for you, isn't it? Well, I mean, it depends what you mean by a man.

I mean, I get mad angry, and it's never the big things that get me angry. Printers get me angry, spell check, that gets me angry. Have you ever put... Actually, literally angry like you want to throw stuff? I threw my second last printer out of my kitchen window. Really? Yeah, because I'm sick of being gaslit by my printer because I put it on, oh, there's no ink in here.

And you know, there is ink, because I've just put ink in. Have you ever printed anything off your printer? Of course I have. And it always says there's no ink. Yes. And then what about the paper? It's gone down. There's no paper in the thing.

There is. There's a fucking whole bunch of paper I put in it. Yeah, because it can't feel it. It's like a person, isn't it? I'm not saying I'm my printer's a friend. I'm just saying that. Did neighbours respond to you throwing the printer out? Or I guess where you live's a bit posh, isn't it?

Yeah, I threw it in the moat. They ignore any emotion. I know. I threw it off one of me turrets. That gets on me tits. But then you're talking about madness. As in psychologically mad. No, yeah, when people thought, oh, Alan, you are a bit mad.

When I dressed up as Gemma Collins, did you see that? I did, but I also just think you were invited to a Halloween party, and that's what you do at a Halloween party. To me, that's not mad. Like, I'm sure you've been... Oh, sorry, the postman, maybe. Oh. Shall I go get it?

It's not part of it. It's just real life. Is this someone else? Is it the man who bought my shoes? Probably D.HL. And now, Alan, your printer has come. It's gone to rehab. What's this?

Crosan. Deliveroo. We could get all sorts of sponsorship from this. You should. Get to live for Rue. Get deliveroo. There's been days. You know, when you're hung over, then I get Deliveroo

breakfast, deliveroo lunch, deliver you after. I know you say about dating. I'm basically dating the deliverer of a man. Is he fit? Yeah. Well, I only seen through the letterbox. Leave it on the mat. Leave it on the mat.

Tell me, so Gemma Collie. It was not mad, mad, because I don't really do mad things, but that's the maddest thing I've done. Ever in your whole life. Come on, Alan. I don't buy it. Are you telling me? What, mad?

I mean, I'm quite normal. Well, this is. Do it, Alan? Yeah. What strikes me about you and many comedians. Oh, here we go. What I think about comedy and is, I'm relating to you, is that I know that I have my whole life hidden myself behind humour.

Yeah. Because it's a good way to get over stuff. Like, you know, awful things happen and you're the one to say, well, I never liked him in the first place or whatever. Yeah. Yeah. And everyone laughed at the funeral that was. Yeah. You know, but...

I mean, I think my humour comes from, especially when I'm slagging myself off on my appearance, I get in there quick before... Someone else can. Before someone else does. But the thing is, like you said, we got divorced at the same time. And so I'm sort of tentatively putting my toe back in the dating thing.

But my problem is... I've slag myself off so much. I've started to believe my own act. And there are people now who are interested in me. And I'm like, oh, well, what with my teeth? I'm d'allie, a fat back fan. And, you know, Alan, you've got to rein it in because you're telling them your material.

You know, and you go, Alan, you are worth it. Your people are, you know, this person is interested in you. And you know what? You are a magnet. I mean, like, everyone who comes near you is lucky. That's what I think. Oh, how lovely. No, genuinely.

Is that about you or me? You. I never know with you. No, but like, no, I think it's a shame to hear you say that about the dating, because I've started to do some dating as well. Yeah, how's that going? It's the Wild West, isn't it? Oh, my God, I know.

People are just psychopaths, aren't they? It's just hard. Yeah, it is really weird. And also, you, I don't know about you whether you had it, but I sort of thought I'd be exempt from extreme weirdness. because I thought that they wouldn't do those things to me because they wouldn't, they'd be worried about the papers or whatever. But it's not true.

Like I've had someone asked a video call me and then start masturbate. Oh, I'm sorry about that. I'd had a few wines. It was you. I get people going, oh, when can we meet Adele? I'm like, fuck you. That's just so weird. But also, I think, yeah, it's sad for me to hear you,

just because that's one of the subjects of the past. podcast. Sad for me to hear you put yourself down like that because there are so few people like you in this world that are this magnetic, this funny, this intelligent. No, it's true. And all the stuff like you talk about and you put yourself down, that's a shield, isn't it? Yeah, of course it is. Of course it's a shield and stuff. But I mean, I'm learning to get over that now and say, Alan, take a compliment. Someone said to me, when someone gives you a compliment, say, Thank you. I know, and I'd never go. Instead of going, oh, you should see the other blood.

Yeah, that's it. Oh, you're drunk. What with my back fat? Look at my hump. And then you've got a five-minute monologue slagging yourself off. And if they're not used to stand up or how fucked up comedians are, they're like, whoa, whoa, whoa. You know, and then they start going, yeah, he has got a bit of a hump and a double chin. No, I've had it before.

I've been in an argument with someone. And then they've said to me, but you, da-da-da-da-and-you-da. And I'm thinking, you only know that. because I told you. You wouldn't have known that. You're not intelligent enough to know that. You've just reeled off the list of negative traits I've given you for me. But back to the podcast.

No, but you know, I mean, you've just got to get over that now. But I'm getting that. When someone gives me a comment, I say thank you. Yeah, good. I'm glad. Well, thank you. Thank you for a long time. But anyway, if they're not...

I did just say something nice to you, but I don't know if you noticed. Thank you. Thank you. Even though you did sell me fucking shoes. Thank you. Sadness. Talk to me about sad. I love being sad. Why?

Love it. It's my favourite thing to do. Late at night, I'll have a few glasses of red. I'll put on some sad songs and I'll just think about dead pets. I love being sad. Is dead pets the big trigger for you? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Videos and photos. I love it. It's just so nice.

It's like getting in a warm bath. So do you think? And then you make up scenarios. What are some that you've been to? Oh, and then I've died and no one's gone to me funeral. That would not happen. I know, but that's why. That's why it's a fetish.

I quite like being quiet. Imagine no one liked me. I know, I love that. It's not the thing you used to do as a teenager. That's what I sort of do. And have a few glasses of wine. It's nice to be morose. Why don't you try?

Have you ever been morose? Yeah. Have you ever looked at yourself crying in the mirror? Have you ever like gone to the mirror or past the mirror while crying and then saw what it was like? No, that's... Do you not do that?

I don't want to see me ugly crying. I do that. But my kids do it. So I'll like tell them off and then they like walk to the mirror to see what they look like. Oh my God! So they can indulge in it

and it gets worse as soon as they look in the mirror. Yeah, but there is something indulgent about it though, isn't there? I mean, I don't do it all the time, but it's just something. Sometimes it's nice to be sad. And I think when you're sad, you start reminiscing,

and that's the nice feeling. You start thinking of better times and stuff like that. The nostalgia. The nostalgia of crying and everything. Do you think the glass of wine opens up the gate? Oh, yeah. I know, yeah. Do you think it's creatively stimulating sadness?

Yeah, yeah, definitely. There's something special about red wine. The thing is, with my last stand-up tour, if you read it on paper, you'd go, oh, my God, that is going to be the worst show ever. COVID, the divorce, my dog died. But it was the most brilliant catalysts for comedy. It was so weird.

I've never had so many good reviews. The show kept getting extended. For the first time, I went to America, Canada, all of Europe, in Greece, Lisbon, on this show. And it was, on paper, it looked so sad. But from that misery, I got so much comedy from it. And it's very weird. It's a very weird.

There's been times when I've been in a really good mood and the show hasn't maybe, the material just hasn't come. I've had to really dig deep. But, you know, comedy is, you know, misery plus timing, isn't it? It's comedy. So, yeah, that's what I found. Very weird. And then off, and I was having the most miserable time.

And then my agent actually said, do you want to cancel the tour? And I said, no, because for an hour and a half on stage, I was loving going through it's probably a bit like the glass of red wine thing. I was sort of indulging in the misery. And then at the end, I did feel better when I come off. It was therapy. Yeah, it was therapy, really.

But isn't that because everyone experiences sadness all the time and then we feel better when we feel like everyone's got that same feeling? It's part of life because we wouldn't understand happy if we didn't understand how. Of course, of course. I think when I was saying that, without sounding like a complete loser with a red wine thing, I think sometimes it's nice. When you're uncorking that bottle,

I think you're uncorking something else. And I sort of sit there and... Have you ever cried on orgasm? Have I ever cried on orgasm? I'm just thinking about uncorking and I have cried on orgasm quite a lot of times. What did the person think? I have to sort of say afterwards.

So you're like, uh, uh, ah, ah. Yeah, and then it cried. And then I cry because I've unlocked something that was maybe I was holding onto, like a sadness or something. And it's the same thing as euphoria. And the sadness came out of your vagina. Well, I think women can have two types of orgasm, but that's another podcast. That's another podcast.

I want to be invited onto that one. Well, I think that we have a physical orgasm, which is like rubbing, friction-based. And then we have these orgasms that are like very emotional where our whole body's invested in. Our whole being is part of it. And like, that's the one where... I would cry because I might have like held some emotions in and then the orgasm will be through my body. And I sort of, it's like an out of body experience.

Are you jealous? I'm jealous about having two. Do you want, why don't you do another podcast and call it Come Again? And it's all the guests from this one. Yeah. Just coming to cry on orgasm together. Oh, that's lovely. That's like a bog off on coming.

He gets two for the price of one. Aren't you lucky, you women? Well, we are lucky. And you're getting extra five years of life. But we're not always lucky because sometimes we get none. That is a sweeping generalisation. All women are so lucky. Forget all of your strides.

We often get no orgasms, Alan. And that's the rubbish thing. Can you imagine that? Not having a, but that's what you do it all for. No orgasm. Well, it might be that the person's finished and then they just go, right, should you watch a film? Oh, that's a very manly thing, when they roll over.

They've done... And you're like, excuse me. I would like my refund here. Yeah, hello? I haven't even had one orgasm, but I want two. Oh, here's the old battle axe. She's so demanding. She's so demanding.

You know, you mentioned quite high on your list of things that make you sad a death of an animal. Oh, God, yeah. Don't get me started, but carry on. Do you think this is a bit of? one, that the death of Bev, who I met and was a wonderful person, was maybe tied up a bit in your sadness about the end of your marriage? I think it was the other way round. I think it just sort of compounded it really. It was like really shit time, marriage falling apart, all these

endings. All the ending and then the first gift that, you know, Paul gave me was the dog and then the dog It was more symbolism than anything. But you know when she died, I was doing, it was the first day of an Agatha Christie documentary I was doing. And I was working and Paul said, Bev is going, she's going now. And then she died. And then I got food poisoning on the same day.

Do you remember that food poisoning that went around London? Yeah. So I, and I was dressed as Poirot when I heard she died. It was the most surrealist thing ever. You don't want. that way. I know. And then...

And then I was grieving. And then I nearly shapped myself with the food poisoning. And I said to my mum, I said, I think I'll shat myself. She went, all people grieve in different ways. I said, no. I said, it's the food poisoning. My mum thought I was so upset.

I'd shat myself. But the thing is, I wouldn't have minded if I'd chat myself in my clothes, but I was in the point. outfit that David Soucher had donated to the museum. The actual one. Yes, the actual one. And I was like, I mean, obviously I would pay for any dry cleaning costs,

but that would have to go proper high end. And if I couldn't get the stain out, I mean, that's like, that's disgusting. There's those tie pens. He's never going to lend anything again, is it? But I don't. didn't do it, thank God. Did you and Paul get together and grieved together? Yeah, we did grieve together, you know.

But the thing is, the marriage just fell apart. People always look for the clickbaity thing and all that. But we had loads of years together. We just ended. It just ended. 13 years, we gave it a good go. That's a lifetime. Especially with a gay.

Especially with the gays. A hundred percent. And also back in the day before, like the advancement of medical science, we'd all be dead by now because you died at 40. I know. So that's a lifetime. Yeah, yeah, that is a lifetime. So well done.

And that's it, you know. And then he's happy now. I'm happy that we moved on. So yeah. Congratulations. Thank you. Thank you. But yeah, it was when Bev,

when it was all a bit sad and everything. But yeah, you know, you're getting better with it and stuff. And I like that thing what Richard D. Grant said. You don't get over grief. You go around it and you do. And, you know, I can look at photos of Bev. And I'll be like, oh, and then her will just come into. into my head and then

you're bawling in the street for no reason do you know what I mean? Have you done that? Yes. How do people respond to you if you're crying in the street? Because I have done it and it's... Well, I'm not like you. I don't go, ah!

I mean... Help me! People are, is she orgasmy? Is she crying? No, because I'm quite shy of crying, so I probably will just go, like that. I mean, this woman, I love it a bit.

She's so sweet. She does the most genuine animal portraits. So I'm on my phone near Oxford Circus. I know it's been a year since Bev died. So I did a drawing and it was so lifelike. And then I went like, because there she was. It was like, oh my God. I'm getting a bit tearful now.

I was like, fuck, you know. Then I was fine once you get it out of you. You've got to just get it out, haven't you? really just getting it out. The grief and the release and then you go, oh, what lovely picture. But yeah, I mean, ambushed by a dead dog. You know, when you were filming the Poirot thing,

did you have to go back on set and then put a brave face on and be that performer who's going through something behind the scenes? Yeah, yeah. I mean, I didn't get all Martin McCutcheon, this is my moment. You know, you just, you pat your eyes down and you get on with it.

you are more emotionally led, aren't you? Yeah, I think of you. Sometimes I feel like you're asking me this question. I don't really, I don't think I have that much emotion and fire as you because you're like, when have you been mad? And you're like, oh. What was it like when you cried? You thought you met Penelope Cruz.

I just went, just wiped my nose really and just blew my nose and carried on with life, you know. I think it's because I'm half Spanish. You throw yourself on the grave. It's my Spanish. You're Spanish like that though, aren't you? We are. The funerals over there with the veils and the screaming. The theatre of it.

Yes, you see, I think. But you like to indulge in the private, like... I'm private. Yeah. But then why are you like this? Because you have your outlet, you're on... You do TV, the film, you do concerts, gig in. But you see, that's my outlet.

It might be a good time to actually just get my mum to answer that. Pam, come in here, please. Can you explain this hot mess? Pam, please. My mum's here to answer that. You've got some explaining to do. Why is she like this? She's encouraged it, emotions and talking about feelings, haven't you?

I think I have, but she's quite dramatic. No shit. Yeah. Very. Why is she a hot mess? Emotional. Emotionally hot mess. But she wasn't as a child, you know.

Oh, no. Not at all. I mean, I sometimes get quite shocked. at what Paloma talks about. I know she's been on my podcast. She mentioned blowjob. She's never given one. Good for you, Pam.

You see, Pam. You see, Pam. Well, I'm quite surprised in the way Paloma has become as an adult. Yeah. Because as a child, she was really quite, didn't express herself a lot.

She was always very cooperative. Was she quiet? Yes. Oh, what? Yes. I mean, at one point, one of my friends who taught her I said, do me, oh, we've got to do something about Palermo.

I said, what do you mean? She needs assertion training. Imagine she'd say to you. Assertion training. I need to speak to this woman. Yeah, and so what I did was... She's the woman who's responsible for this. So what I didn't...

I didn't... He's making it about me. Oh, as if you're complaining. No, but I wanted you to talk about emotions. But some people don't want some... No, my mum. Oh, your mum, okay. Not you.

You've done in a... Yeah, okay. This is the rudest podcast I've ever been on. You invite me on to talk. Not now. I'm talking to my own mum, which you can do it any time. Okay, we'll leave her.

We'll get me back. No, no, I love to. I want to talk to Pam. I'd rather talk to Pam than you. That's not just... Go on, then. I don't think either of you really know what sadness is properly yet.

No. Do you know that? Because I think the worst thing, for me, I have thought, divorced with the saddest thing in my life. Yeah, yeah. But the worst. thing I think that you've got to face is when your parents die, particularly your mother. I know, I know. I do not take that lightly. I mean, I'm, you know, I balled my eyes out about

my dogs, the dogs dying, but I know that is going to be a real. I do understand what you mean about divorce. It is a really harrowing experience. It's not a bad thing, throwing yourself into work. No, no, I did. People go, oh, well, have you really addressed it? But then you can't say you you haven't. I think it's your savior, your work all for your life. Yes, definitely, definitely. Definitely. That's the only honest thing you know, I felt better. Even if it's for a minute and then you have flashback. Well, let me just enjoy me feeling better. Sorry.

And then you plummeted into misery. Well, I indulge in it too, as you know. I know. But do you want to come back in the minute? Thank you, love. And if you could come back with another cup of tea, I'd love you even more. Do you ever feel lonely? Oh, yeah, yeah, I feel lonely.

I don't think lonely is a bad thing. Sometimes I like being lonely. Sometimes you don't like being lonely, you know. Yeah, I mean, that sounds like I'm not answering the question. No. You know, 8 o'clock, I'm getting that, you know, especially when you come back after a tour and then my brain goes into, oh, no, Alan, your life's so lonely.

And you've watched every book, said. Yeah, you know what I mean? There's nothing left. The night before you might have been at the O2 or maybe Royal Albert Hall or something, and then you come back, oh, my life is so, I'm so lonely. But I don't think it's genuine lonely. I think you just get a bit sorry for yourself. But the fun thing I found, I've only done one arena tour,

but can I tell anyone listening to this? on that stage we can hear you. That's what they don't understand. I mean, not when you're, maybe when you're doing a ballad or something, but with me when I don't know, do you want a gin and tonic, Val? I'll have a double.

And I'm like, I can still hear you all. It's really distracted. You're like, where was I? Yeah, I'm like, I can hear you. They think you can't. I mean, O2's big, but it's like a big echoey hall. Yeah, it is. No for a piss.

Yeah. It's a toilet that way. Oh, is he still talking? I think we've got the wrong night. Oh, Pam's back again. Stick to tea. I want two mums. Like, you have two orgasms. Well, I can't remember the last time it was two. What do I mean?

Can't have two. You can with a little intermission. Five minutes in your case, obviously. Oh, yeah, well, you know, I'm in the... You say, I'm at that age now where I'm like... You know when you don't realize how old you are and you just come across as creepy? If I was like 20, that would be edgy.

But now I'm like, you're dirty old twat. Yeah, I've got like desperate sprinter level. Cat lady. Hello, young man. How old do you think I am? Forty-two. Fuck you. No, but people don't realize

age creeps up on you. And, you know, you're someone that will say, you have you got the time, if you've got the energy, and then they look at you like, ugh, get away from me. You're meant to be invisible by now, and the only reason why you're not is because you're on the bloody television.

They're like, shouldn't you be dead? Do you feel sad about ageing? The thing is about when you realise, because I had sciatica last year and I couldn't do anything. When you're younger, you're so arrogant. You think people get old for a bet. You think, oh, look at that man, he's got like a stick for a laugh.

You know what I mean? What's he doing exaggerating? Yeah, why would you have a stick for? Then as you go, God, you need, I don't need a stick. But I'm like, that sciatica knocked me for sick. Have you ever had that? I have. Oh, my God.

For anyone who goes, because it's got a bit of a comedy name, isn't it? You know, I've all got sciatica, you know, like that. But fuck, it's not funny. That could be the name of your next dog. Sciatica. Syatica. Seatica. Leaving treats for sciatica.

shouting out the door. And then like, you know, in 12 years' time, I go, my sciatica died, you should be happy. That is a good name. And for a drag queen as well. Sciatica nerve. Great, love it. Miss sciatica nerve.

Oh, girl. So talk to me about bad. I haven't really done any. Are you a badie? Are you a bad guy? I'm not a bad person. I was thinking about this question. And I've never really been a badass. And then the time I was really bad

And I'm not proud of this I'm just saying, I'm not proud of this But the only time I was badass and sassy Was I was at a disco When I was 18 Disco, cold car wash Everyone dressed in, seven, his gear, It was amazing.

I was dancing with this girl Doing like the funky chicken Or the bus stop. And then this man goes, You fucking dancing with my girlfriend. I said, yeah, like this. And then he bit my ear, ripped my earlobe. Like that bit into it.

blood on the bus like that. He went, and I went to him, I've got AIDS. Say, interjecting go, surely he was bad, but then, oh, you got him. Not proud of saying that, but I was 18, I was young. Good one, though. But his face went so white. And he just went like, oh my God. Panicked.

And then just grabbed his girlfriend and went. And I was like, I am a badass. But then, but obviously, bad what I did. did out of order and you do not mock things like that, but I was... Did you feel bad? No, because he drew blood. You couldn't have, you probably thought... I know, but I mean, listen, I'm the victim here.

I've been attacked. That's what I mean. It was a great comeback. I can't help it if my tongue is sharp. So yeah, not proud of what I said, but at the time, it was badass. And listen, if you want to be badass, you've got to be a bit bad. Yeah, do you think there's such a thing as... You know, like when we're little, we watch...

TV shows and we're sort of indoctrinated in and thinking goodies and badies. Do you believe in goodies and bad? Isn't it just, you know, what do you think? I think there are people who are inherently bad and inherently good. I think you do have that feeling and I think it goes back to when you're a caveman or just, you know, you've got to suss people out and I think that is still there. And I know we live in a world now, don't judge. But there's been times I've got it spot on and I go, I don't trust you. and I don't like it. When you see a fucking serial killer on the telly, it looks like a fucking serial killer.

It's got those 70s glasses on. Like the ones I'm wearing, but that's fine. Not those, the wire ones. And that's what pissed me off. You know, these gay serial killers took 18 men back to the flat and killed them. I can't even get one to come back and they look fucking freaky.

I get feelings about people like a haunted house. Like I just quite quickly go, I can't be near that person. I don't think they're nice. Your gut is your best friend. And it is, and it's there. It's there all the time. Not unless you've got food poisoning.

Or IBS. Yeah. Then, or crows. It's not your friend. It's your enemy. That's when I go, you, my colon, I'm like, I don't trust you. You keep mentioning food poisoning. Are we going to mention when you nearly killed me?

Well, I said that in my intro. I said you gave you food poisoning. Sorry. And you nearly killed Adele's dog. I can't forget it. Every time I see you on TV, we talk about it. I've never stopped. Actually, feeling bad is a good subject.

Because I genuinely. I know we make a joke of it, but I did feel bad for ages about that. For those you don't know, Adele, a dog, Louis, and Paloma came round. Now, it was quite a while ago, but I remember you saying, I'll cook, I'll cook of something lovely.

And was it a Spanish dish? What was it? I can't remember it was a lamb thing. Lamb? It was the lamb that gave everyone food poisoning. I know because I followed my gut, and my gut said it was the lab. And you still served it up.

No, no, it was after we'd eat. I knew, not straight away. So then the first that we're sitting there and the first time my stomach's going, ooh, all to home. And then Adele's dog, Louie, is the sausage dog. So then the dog had a bit of the lamb, and then I've never seen shit come out so quick. It was a, like a brown skiddy.

That was an expensive rug. Like that. Adele goes, no, no, no. Get some kids. Kitchen roll, get some kitchen roll. So I run downstairs. I come up with the kitchen roll. I give the...

Adele rips the kitchen roll off. I think she's going to scoop up the dog shit. But she rolled it up and put it up her nose because of the cell. We're all so self-scent. Do you think you think before you speak or speak before you think? I'm always putting my foot in it.

What was interesting last time was with my emotions, isn't it? I keep them quite hidden. And I don't really... like talking about it, and yet I will say things, they'll just come out. And it's almost like, if you were maybe a bit more, tell us how you feel, you might not fester so much, might not just say it sit there. It's interesting, isn't it?

So, Alan, shut the fuck up. Think about it. Think about some of the things you've done, Alan. Tell the group. Group therapy. Group therapy, yeah. Do you think gossip's bad? Have you had people gossip about you?

and do you gossip about other people? I gossip about people all the time. Do you think it's bad? Not really. You think it's okay? What about if people are gossiping? I mean, I'm a pure hypocrite. I love gossiping, but I hate people gossiping about me.

I'm a complete gossip. So you do sort of think it's bad, but it's a guilty pleasure. It's a guilty pleasure. If people are dicks, you've got to talk about them? Yeah. Do you remember when I called you, we went out one night, we went to the Halloween party, and the next day it was,

in the paper that my relationship had ended, but I hadn't told anyone. It was not me. You know it wasn't me? But do you remember I called you and asked if you knew, if you'd mention it by accident? No. No, no, no.

No, I hadn't. And then I felt bad because I was like, I just wanted to know like how that would have coincided. But I was talking about you. Now you've lured me and saying, are you a gossip? And I've gone, yeah, and you've gone, yeah, because someone's gossiping about me.

No. This is a trap. Pam, Pam. Start the car. It was eventually she can't drive. I don't care. Get out of here. You'll die.

I'll cling to the bonnet. Alan, thank you for being absolutely amazing as usual. Oh, thank you, darling. I thought it would be good to end on a positive. And even though it's not... I love that. And also, you've moaned for the whole time that I've gone to probing. Let's try and end on a positive, Alan.

You're so miserable. Oh, you're blaming me for that. But I thought, because it rhymes. Why not something that today you feel glad about? Oh, glad. That's good. Yeah, glad. What are you glad about? What am I glad?

Glad for my health, I think. And you know, I'll speak into Pam, what you're saying about the grief will really hit you when you lose your parents. Probably that my mum and dad are on the other side. They've died. During the podcast. He's been putting a brave face on.

No, no. I think that they're on the other end of the line because I know, you know, yeah, I think that's probably what I'm most grateful. And as you get older, it's family, isn't it? You know, me and my bravo, we used to get on. We're not real, but now we are so close. It's so lovely.

And he's got gorgeous nephew and niece and stuff like that. And I think it's family. Because all the other shit doesn't really matter, does it? That's what I think it boils down. down to is like really, it's the tiny, whatever you're going through, whatever you're doing, it always boils down to the glad things, always the simplest. Yes, yeah. And when I say family, I know some people don't go on with their family, but just a community. Chosen family. A community. Yeah, chosen. People that just got your back and just,

you know, who really care for you and are just there for you, because it is important, isn't it? And especially, let's not get too done. But what's going on in the world right now, I mean, we've never had so much information. never felt so helpless. You're just watching this destruction, you know, wanting it to stop. But you just got no power. So when you got like that, I think you do just get people near you

and just grab them closer to you and just try and, you know, get a bit of love in your life, really. That's a lovely perspective. Thank you. Speaking of family, I took the liberty of asking my kids to ask you a question.

If you don't mind, I'm going to play you the question for a final thing. you can ask him anything you want, and it's nothing to the podcast, but it's a family question. Okay. Why are you so weird?

Good. Oh, how adorable. Why am I so weird? I don't know, really. It's just the way I was born, I guess. I think it's ironic them asking you that when I'm their mum. I'm going to say, that is a backhanded insult. I bet that question was to you

and you've got, they've got a question for you, Alan. Baby, I was born this way. Are you right? I just don't feel good. I feel like I've got food poisoning from that tea. I think you've struck again. Was there any of your lamb in it? Was there any of your lamb in it?

Stop running it in. Well, wasn't that great? All of the links of everything we mentioned in the show can be found in the episode description. Oh, and while you're there, why not subscribe and follow the show too? See you all next time. It's potatoes.