Mad, Sad and Bad with Paloma Faith - Introducing Write Me Dirty

Episode Date: July 30, 2025

We love a bit of emotional damage here—but sometimes, you just need erotic fiction involving zombies, a tin of beans, and celebrity guests desperately trying to stay composed.Write Me Dirty is the gloriously unhinged podcast hosted by Katherine Ryan where comedy, chaos, and sex writing collide. It’s weird, wonderful, and weirdly touching.Here is a special exclusive clip of the show for you to enjoy.Go on. Be mad. Be bad. Get dirty. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello, Paloma Faith here. Let's be honest. Sometimes life is mad, sometimes it's sad, and other times it's just downright dirty. And lucky for you, I've found a podcast that serves all three, wrapped up in laughter, lust and a lot of awkward pauses. It's called Write Me Dirty and it is deliciously unhinged just like me. Each week, the fabulous Catherine Ryan sets the scene with a ridiculous prompt, zombies, beans, whatever her wild mind conjures.

And then two brave guests have to write erotic stories about each other. Yes, each other. The results are chaotic, funny, a bit cringe. There are dramatic readings, oversharing, blushing. Catherine's there with her razor-sharp wit, asking all the wrong questions and loving every second. At the end, she crowns her erotica champion, who wins, wait for it, a huge pen.

Because, of course they do. So if you fancy a laugh, a gasp, and possibly, a new kink, go and subscribe to write me dirty. New episodes land every Thursday, just for the first year. Go on. Treat your inner filth goblin. I know you've got one. Here's a little sneak peek for you to check out. Hello, I'm Catherine Ryan, and I've got two guests today who are so excited to write me a dirty story, all with the hopes of winning a pen. And this week, my two seductive scribes are Stevie Martin and Fatia Elgory. Welcome, girls. How do you feel about being called girls? That felt

I don't mind. Very regressive. I prefer lades. Girls. Ladies and lads. I prefer brav. You actually do. Labes.

Labes. Labies. You and I, Fatia, have known each other, I think, for quite a long time now. Correct. And Stevie, I know of your work, very talented comedian, but this is our first time meeting. Unless I'm being really rude and I've met you before and I don't know. No, I saw you across. across the way once and you were having your hair brushed by someone.

Like a horse. Sounds like a song. Yeah. Where was that? Latitude Festival. Oh. It's actually my agent and I wondered why she wasn't watching our show when we looked across and she was brushing Catherine's hair.

Weird. We must have been high. Yeah. This is a very interesting brief. I've asked you to come and write me a filthy story about each other with some rules. Did you find that challenging? A little bit, a little bit, but not, I found it, I enjoyed it because I know her. Yeah.

So I found, then I could pick her little quirks and stuff and write about them and stuff like that. I sent her a message. I was like, don't talk about my hijab. Don't talk about my hijab. Don't talk about my hijab. So my story is called Fatya's hijab. Behind the hijab. Exactly, just to freak her up.

So I feel like I know so much about you, Fatya. We've worked together with those. I think you're very, very funny. Thank you. I love the juxtaposition of you. You're very sweet, but you will fuck someone up. But what I don't hear about is will you fuck someone? I don't hear a lot of sex talk from you.

Oh, I don't know what your fantasies are. I don't know what your type is. My fantasy is for people to leave me the fuck alone. And stop WhatsApping me every five fucking minutes and asking, can you do this? Can you do that? Are you free? Where are you going? Can I take you out?

No, bitch. Let me sleep. So if you don't get a. Like what's up? You just immediately start wanking. You've been set the task of writing a dirty story that's about each other, and it must contain a given setting character and prop. Your story must be set in a car show room, and I would like to have a car salesman involved, a custom paint job, and a steering wheel. All right, let's do it. What's the title of your story? The title, I'm going to do this in my sexy, I could do

sex phone work. That's what I'm going to do when comedy dries out. All right, are you ready? You mean I'll never be ready, but I'm excited. So my, I don't know why I'm doing a French accent, but so my story is called Paints Me Like One of Your French Cars. Oh, la La La. One of your French cars? Yes.

Oh my God, I can't even say this first line. She's going to murder me. Okay. Stevie is an emo who wears black all the time. Oh, no. Those are very beetle juice. I'm very emo. Okay, great. So Stephen Martin is an emo who wears black all the time. The only colour on her is her beautiful blue eyes, like those of a husky.

Oh. Her platinum blonde locks. What lightning would look like if it was tangible? Ooh. Yeah. Big sexy word. It's big in it. I had to Google that word.

I was like, what do you say if you can touch like tangible? Very literary. off the jump. Stevie lives in a small town surrounded by the sea. Think Dawson's Creek, but replace the coffee shops and cupcakes with vape shops and phone snatches. She hates where she lives because there's no vegan food and she's a vegan. Stevie doesn't have a job, but she has a dream.

One day, I'm going to leave this place and find the best vegan food in the whole damn country, y'all. I'm sort of like American as well. Give you an accent. You're Southern. Yeah. I'm going to, it's going to change after, but yeah. Yeah, great. Every day she cycles around the town with her walk coming on,

listening to Joy Division and dreaming about all the vegan food she will eat when she blows this joint. What does blows this joint mean, leave? Yeah. Yeah, fine, just wanted to check. But it could also be foreshadowing. You might be blowing something or someone later. So one day she was cycling around the town where she started to feel hungry.

She started to cycle back home, thinking about what she would make to eat. Mmm, split dahl and spinach and potatoes. Her mouth was watering. Mmm, hummus, cucumber and olives. She started to cycle faster. Paradas! That was it.

She was now standing on her bike and cycling furiously. Suddenly she found herself on the floor face down in the road. What the hell had happened? It was a bloody potter, won't it? these bloody councils are a joke, mate. Are you very politically motivated? I mean, yes, I am. It seems like I am. It doesn't surprise me with it. As an emo, husky vegan,

you're going to also be upset about the misallocation of government funds. Yeah, these potholes are not, you know, they're not being fulfilled. A bit like her character. Oh. Yeah, there's been no mention of sex, yeah. I must be frustrated. And that's why I'm so obsessed with, you know, hummus and carrots. And carrots are phallic. I love Tom.

Stevie was Devo. Her bike was ruined. She couldn't ride it back home. She decided to take it to local bike shop to get it fixed. Ben's bikes. Uh-oh. Where's Ben? She dragged the broken bike to the shop, but it was a different shop. Hmm, she thought, maybe I have a concussion. Maybe I left my hair dying too long and it fried my brain cells.

I'm actually a natural blonde. Then a man came out of the shop and said, Hi, I'm Mike. Welcome to Mike's motors. How can I help? Stevie confused replied, where's Ben? I need to get my bike fix. I've got that kind of like confrontational vibe that you have. It's really interesting. You slipped into Fattier present. Where's Ben? The tension's building, so I'm just obviously desperate to get rail to this bike. Typical Meals and Boone's fashion. This is how they build it up.

Yeah, they're so hungry. Love it. And I've been in like a bike accident. So I imagine I'm just bleeding and stuff. all over So Stevie confused replies, where's Ben? I need my bike fix. Mike says, Ben's gone. He sold the premises to me and I have opened a car shop.

It's good to get some context. It's like, it could have gone straight to the car shop, but it's nice that we didn't. Stevie, disappointed and worried about what to do with her bike, says, okay, thanks and begins to walk away. Mike calls her back, wait, I can help. I'm a keen cyclist myself. I'm good with bikes.

Oh, it's sexy. That's sexy. How sexy is that? I'm a keen cyclist myself. Stevie, feeling hopeful, says, really? Mike, happy that he can help her, says, yeah, I need to shoot off though now, because I need to collect some supplies for the shop before the wholesalers close. Can you come back tomorrow to collect your bike? There's so much context all the time. A lot of exposition.

That's here. It better get so sexy. It is. I swear, Dan, you're going to literally lose your mind. Your knickers are going to literally fly across the room. I'm a wholesaler's knickers. Stevie returns to the shop the next day. She enters, but no one is around.

It's just her and the car's in the showroom. Hello? She calls. Back here, my shout. He's in the back. In the back, like the, yeah. He in the back, honey. She followed his voice at the back of the shop.

She found him in the back garage, topless, spray paint in a 1995 Citron 2 CV. The sexiest of the cars. Mike was moving the spray gun up and down with each motion. Stevie could see the muscles in his back moving. Damn, she thought. This geyser was smoky. I always say things like this geyser was Shemokey. Mike turned around and caught her eye.

Oh, sorry, I didn't know it was you. I would have got dressed. Stevie gave him... Oh, fuck. A blow job? Yeah. No, Stevie gave him a look. Mike grabs a cloth, wipes his hands,

and picks up the steering wheel laying on the floor. Stevie watches him as he walks over to the other side of the car, opens the door, starts to fit the steering wheel. wheel on the car. She watches his big hands, push the wheel into place. And gently rub around the wheel. Like a boob. Exactly.

Or your thighs. Thank you. She starts to get flustered, imagining these hands on her. Oh, this is, see? See, we're getting there. Stevie slips, nearly falling over, but Mike catches her. This is always going to happen. They look into each other's.

eyes and he leans in and kisses her. His hands are up around her waist and her hands land on his shoulders. She rubs his shoulders and slides her hand down his back. He rubs her skin and she whispers into his ear. Paint me like your French car. Oh, that's why it's the citron. Mike drop bitch.