Mad, Sad and Bad with Paloma Faith - Michelle de Swarte: Childfree And Having A Great F*cking Time

Episode Date: March 24, 2026

I’ve been SO excited to speak to Michelle since I first watched her brilliant stand-up comedy. She’s funny, honest, a bit chaotic (just like me) and has some of the MADDEST stories 🤣 including a nasty toilet experience in the woods...After a successful modelling career, bossing the catwalks of New York and beyond, Michelle moved back to the UK in her 30s and turned to the world of comedy. She has written and starred in her own BBC sitcom ‘Spent’, appeared alongside Katherine Ryan in The Duchess and is currently on her ‘The Afters’ stand-up tour across the UK. We talked about our shared experience of being raised by a single mum, how Michelle got fired from a burlesque club, and what it’s like to suddenly make (and spend) LOADS of money in your 20s 💸. We also spoke about society’s expectations of women and why she’s chosen not to have kids. You can find tickets for ‘The Afters’ tour HERE!Thanks again to my neighbour Nicky for joining us on this episode! Check out his photography HERE.*Warning: please note this episode contains discussion of drug use and suicide*—Find us on: Instagram / TikTok / YouTube—Credits:Producer: Emilia GillAssistant Producer: Alex ReedVideo: Josh Bennett, Lizzie McCarthy and Harry SawkinsSound: Rafi Amsili GeovannettiOriginal music: BUTCH PIXYSocial Media: Laura CoughlanExec Producer for JamPot: Ewan Newbigging-ListerExec Producers for Idle Industries: Dave Granger & Will Macdonald Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello, I'm Paloma Faith and this is my show. Each week I welcome someone fantastic into my home to talk about what makes them mad, sad and bad. Roll recording. Nice to meet you. So fit standing on the doorstep. Be like, that's my house just coming. Is this a nice shoes house, isn't it? Well, I've got someone you can choose.

It says shoes off on the mat, which is my usual thing, but I haven't worn these outside yet. I'm taking mine off. She's an award-winning stand-up comedian, writer, producer and actor. Before all that, she was a model for 20 years, starring in campaigns for Burberry, Gucci, Dolching Cabana, Tom Ford and Versace. She wrote The Riches to Rags comedy spent about her modelling career, as well as starring in HBO's horror comedy, The Baby, and in Netflix's The Duchess. She's just my kind of woman, brutally honest, perfectly dry and a bit chaotic.

But to me, she's someone I only discovered recently through her comedy because everyone needs a lull and realised that she'd modelled her way through my heyday, the 90s. So I couldn't wait to meet her. It's the amazing Michelle de Swart. Hello. Hi, yeah. You're right. Yeah, me you.

I'm good, yeah. There's a few maybe... Estates. Yes, but they're all good. Correct me. They're all good. Have we said that you've done things you haven't done? You've exaggerated things that I haven't done. but I'm fine with it.

Yeah, I mean, let's just do, I mean, we've all filled in a CV with a fewer brief, like... To be honest, you filled it in, not me. Yeah, but like, have you ever actually done a CV and embellished the truth to get a job? Because I have a million times. Yeah, exactly. What have you embellished? Just like saying that you worked at places that you haven't. Yeah.

Got a reference and then put them down on their like, this number doesn't work. Yeah. Mom, if anyone calls, I worked at Marks and Spencers for three years. Yeah. Thank you. I did a CV once where I tried to get a job in JD Sports when I was like 16 or something. And I put, because I was quite like a boffin at school. So I had that word for ageing.

I put my actual mock results as A's and Bs and stuff. And they didn't give me an interview. So then I resubmitted it as like E's and Fs and I got an interview. But did you get the job? I didn't even go. I was like, I don't want to go now. I got a different job. by them.

Yeah, not if they don't respect my mock results. Yeah. Do you know what I mean? I respect these mocks. Yeah. We're going to start with Mad, the section. You talk about how you were a bit wild as a young person. Yeah, I was.

And why? Like, so I imagine that, well, correct me if I'm wrong, but you come from money and then suddenly start making money and you just think, fucking let's just go for it. Basically, yeah. Yeah. I was just like, let's fucking have it. Do you know what I mean?

I don't think I ever, because I was living in New York when I made money, I don't think I ever went to the ATM and pressed anything below $100. Do you know what I mean? I was just like, yeah, let's see. Saving wasn't your strong point. What is saving? Are you any good at it now? I've got better, but this is through trial and error.

Like, I'm in my 40s now. I like you better, do you know what I mean? But yeah, no, it was terrible. Because I just sort of was like, it felt like monopoly money, in it? And also it wasn't in a current, it wasn't in, you know. Your own currency.

It was like holiday money, you know? You were sort of like, yeah. I just fucking, yeah. It's like I was in a strip club, but I was in Manhattan. Do you know what I mean? I was like, fucking, yeah. Do you have any idea how much you spend

if you look back? If I look back, I mean, hundreds and hundreds of thousands. Wow. Yeah. What on? Good fucking question, mate. Like, honestly. If he got much, do it show for it?

I reckon between just like syrims, creams, holidays, like... Surely you weren't eating much. You were a model in the 90s. Yeah. So syrims, creams, holidays. I don't think I mentioned food yet. No, no. Yeah, there you go.

That's why. Yeah, that's why. Yeah. And, yeah, holidays, you know, benevolence and cocaine. Yeah. A lot of that. So all of those things will kind of put a big dent in. your finances. I was thinking about this and I was thinking like so when rich people behave in a

certain way people call it fun. Or eccentric. Yeah, or eccentric. And then when people who come from nothing do the exact same behaviour, they call it criminal. Yeah. So I was just wondering what your take on that was. I mean, I definitely think that there's like, yeah, if you're talking about classism, that someone really gets to stretch out in their personality and it is seen as eccentric. and someone else does it who's not from that same background and you go, you know, there's a ward for you. There's a ward for this behaviour. You are going to get sectioned.

And like, actually that person is just stretching out in their personality. They're having a, do you know what I mean? They're limbering up. They find out who they are. Do you think there's a thin line between having wildness and then being sectioned? Or do you think it's very clear? I think it depends what the cushion is to fall on, right?

Right. And that's the thing, right? So like people that come from more money and they come from, you know, a financial wealth and support, there's things to help you and catch you when you fall. If you get to stretch out and you sort of act a little bit crazy, let's say inverted commas, because you probably can't even say crazy anymore, but whatever. Yeah. Then after that, there's nowhere to go. You've got to recalibrate yourself. There's no, there's no, you know, the institution that's going to take you in is like rock bottom. You know what I mean? Like the state's paying for it. Like you're a danger to society rather than your family getting to keep it. It's actually really, really hard.

People don't realise as well to get sectioned. How is it? Do tell. It is hard because you can't section someone else. People have to section themselves. Yeah. So you have to like... Got to say you want to top yourself.

Yeah. So basically to get help. Or hurt someone. You have to say you're a danger to somebody else or yourself. But you couldn't go, I think this person is, they just go, go away. But those kind of things are there for a reason. Like, we are, I think we're just coming out of...

Otherwise, we go, I'll section you. Yeah, yeah, exactly. You piss me off, I'm sectioning here. Exactly that, exactly that. Think of, like, the language, like, not so much now, but maybe like 2024, everyone was calling everyone a narcissist. Do you know what I mean? And then 2025...

I still do it. I'm old school. I don't... It takes me a while... It takes me a while to change on the trends. Yeah, yeah. Well, with that thinking, if you could go around be like, I really think you're losing your mind,

I'm going to get you sectioned. Everyone would just be. We would all be in there. Yeah. You know what I mean? Making smoothies. Have they got a neutral bullet in? Yeah, that's one of the activities.

Smoothies. I've not been in myself, but several people I know. You keep on saying this. You keep on saying this. You keep on being like, not me, but people I know. My best friend. My best mate. Do you know what I'm asking me?

You know not when you're a teenager and like you want to tell your mum some shit but you don't want to tell her as you and you're just like. Or you write to just 17 your letter. My friend said. Yeah, you come in and you're like, mom, a mate of mine stole some stuff from super drug and she was smoking weed. Your mom's like, your friend. You're like, yeah, my mate.

Do you know what I mean? That's like you. Did you ever steal stuff when you were young? No. Well, when I was really young, I did. And my mum went fucking. It was like in ballistic and it put the fear in me for the rest of my life. I was like one of those annoying people that just loved the naughtiness that never partook in it.

So we used at school put in an order with people who were addicted to shoplifting. They loved it. They'd be like, what should we get? And they liked the challenge. And somebody got me a Wonderbra. Really? 32B. And I looked like a 32E.

Wonderbrass had a fucking moment, didn't they? Getting a wonder bra. It was like... It was the advert, wasn't it? Hello boys. Yeah. Decent. So, have you ever been fired from a job?

Oh, yeah. Yeah. Tell me some firing stories. You know what? The last time I was fired was probably like in the early noughties. I'd like... Things were sort of getting a bit shaky. I came here for...

I came back here from New York for about a year and a half because I was like, I'm going to do stand-up full time. And actually it was really hard and I was like, oh, God, I'm sort of miss having money. And do you know what I mean? So I went back to New York and I got this job front of house in this burlesque club. And I was so awful at it. Like, all I had to do was- In New York.

Yeah, all I had to do was seat people. Yeah. I know the owner as well. She's a mad, crazy bitch, isn't she? Yeah. Fucking mental. I got on stage there one. Did you?

Yeah. So I'm at front of house. there, yeah? And so all my job is to do is be like, welcome. And then sort of like, here, let me take your coat. Here is your table. And it's such a like, like, they run it. It's such a tight ship, right? That like, like, if you put something in the wrong table, it like messes up the whole order because they do like, you know, it's like free shows a night or whatever. And I constantly did it. And she would fire me every day. She'd go, she'll go, it's not fucking working. And I'd go, yeah, I know. She'd go, you're doing the rest of your shift,

but then that's it. And I'd go, all. right then, and then I'd get to my shift and I'd go, shall I just come back tomorrow at seven? Should be like, yeah, but then that's it. And like, I just sort of ignored her. It's like, enough a level with zero hours contract. It was literally like you don't have a job, but you sort of do. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I sort of like try and charm her for the rest of the shift and I'd get to the end and I'd be like, she'll just be like, you shit. And I was like, yeah, I know. Well, shall I just do tomorrow until you find someone new? And this went on for months. Do you think that was beauty or charisma that made that? I think it was her. Or both.

I think a bit of charisma, a bit of beauty and also her not having anyone to fill the position. Desperation on her part, do you know what I mean? I actually am interested in like what was a mad time, sort of like what was the maddest model shoot? There's things that were probably happening then that people are more vocal about now. And so that was, for me, I had started a little bit later for. modeling, which was like 19, 20. And that was the time people were like, yeah, you should lie about your age as well. And I was like, oh, yeah.

Top of rough as fuck at 19. But, but yeah, it was just. They all want them to be 15. Yeah, yeah. They want you to be 12 ideally. Disgusting. But yeah, so it was like that was the time where everything was weird to me and everything was crazy and everything was like normalised because they were like,

this is fashion. No one gets a, no one gets a peek behind this car. Do you know what I mean? You're lucky, a privilege. Yeah, yeah. But it's a horrible place sometimes, isn't it? It's a horrible place when there's no one to, there's no adult. Like, who do you tell?

Do you know what I mean? Yeah, lots of young people there without chaperones and stuff being basically manipulated. You sort of got penalised for speaking up. And also it was a time where, you know, models were encouraged to talk, man. Like, no one knew who anyone sounded like. And you as a comedian writer, you had a lot to say, obviously. Yeah, but I wasn't any of those things then. Yet, but it was in you.

I think it probably always was. Yeah, yeah. But at that time, I wasn't any of them things. Were you in some, do you look back and you just think, I can't believe I did that? No, I was quite good. I knew I was never getting my tits out. That was something I was really sort of, I'm not getting my tits out. And I did once and then they, because this is like before digital,

and then they like showed me the polar-oids and I was like, oh yeah, no, I'm definitely not doing that. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, there was a getting your tits out. And also that was a time when there was a, a lot of crutch crutch shots. It's a lot of like girls in bikinis

with their legs wide open. Do you know what I mean? Fanny out. So I knew I weren't going to do. Yeah, but like there was just things in my head that I was like, no, I'm not going to do that.

But I did think in my head, I was like, if someone was to pay me loads of money, I would, but like the price has got. Yeah, this ain't enough. Yeah. Yeah. But nothing like weird.

Like you didn't end up in a shoot and you were like, what the hell am I doing? Yeah, of course. Yeah, loads of times. Lones of times. But personally, like, nothing that's had too big an imprint. Like, I can't, you know, there's like a few things that were just weird. Do you know what I mean? But like people thinking they're so creative that they're going to. Yeah, just like photographers getting handsy or, you know what I mean? Or just like younger girls on set. Like, you know, you can tell they haven't eaten and they're fainting on set and just weird shit like that. So this is my neighbour, Nikki, lives around the corner.

We love community in East London and sometimes comes on the podcast. But Nikki, have you ever done any stand-up? Oh my God, no. It gives me the worst fear. I can't actually go and watch it because I went once to the comedy club and nobody laughed the entire night. Well, anyone? Nobody laughed.

Six different people and I said to when we're leaving, I can't, this is making me die for these people. It was awful. You had contact embarrassment? Oh, it was the worst night. Nice. I've been back. I polite laugh. Not, not Nikki.

Clearly, it's just like, this is terrible. It's very awkward. I'm leaving. Get off, bitch. So did you have lots of handsy photographers then? Trying, yeah, yeah. Like guys that would try, do you know what I mean? Or be like, I'll come and sit on my lap.

I had quite a lot of that. Like, going to castings and being like, you can, I remember one guy being like, you can sit here if you want. And I was like, I'd rather not want. Yeah. It was like, you can sit here if you want. I was like, you're all right? I'm a fucking adult.

I just wouldn't happen now, would he? No. Well, who, I don't think so. Well, I don't know. I hope not. I mean, God. I've got kids. You're not allowed to let them sit on Santa's lap anymore.

Oh, aren't you? No. You sit next to Santa now, which is great news. Because I used to find that really awkward in the shopping centre sitting on Santa's lap. It was a bit odd. Just like meet Santa. I remember when I was 14 and went to a gay youth club and I was like, First time, you know, I was really scared.

Sit on Santa's lap. No, but the man who ran it, he said, oh, come and sit on my lap. You fucking nonce. That's noncy behalf. I know. For the community, you're fucking freak. Isn't it? Come and sit on my lap.

Yeah. Come and sit on my lap. My nine-year-old did. Yeah, awful. My nine-year-old wrote her letter to Santa this year. And she said, we've given you orange juice because we didn't think it was wise to give a grown man alcohol. when walking around in the children's home.

I didn't tell her to write it. She did it at home. What? Smart girl. I know, yeah. Very smart. She's obviously seen you pissed too many times. That's why.

Yeah, I've seen the effects of alcohol. You don't want none of that, Santa. You won't get anything done. I've amassed some data. I've crunched your numbers. And what I can see is, you know what I mean? You won't make it to the next day. My mommy's a piss head.

Not hardly. I'm a pregnant woman. Oh, Christ. This fucking. pregnancy. She's rather big for where she is. I'm only joking. I'm joking.

It's only because you said, I didn't want to ask. Just because I'm two months pregnant. No, this has gone on. I'm literally just picking up where you left off. Thanks, Nikki. Thanks for coming down. Thank you. Thank you.

And bringing my podcast down. So sadness. You spoke a bit about experiencing quite a lot of it. teenager, nosedive from age 10, what happened? Yeah, just like, you know, you're not in control of your life at that age, isn't it? And I think I had quite a happy childhood up until I was about 10. I was quite oblivious to things. And then that's probably just at a point when you start realizing, like, you're in tune with your, like, for me, I had a single mum. So I was like, in tune with my mum's happiness. And I think she was struggling. And I was just more,

we were like more connected than, you know, when you're a kid, you sort of just, you're just really self-centered, didn't you? You know, like, that's, that's what being a child is, is just being oblivious to everything. And, um, and so around 10, uh, me, my mum and my brother had to like, move into a women's refuge. So that was sort of just like, it was just trying times. Do you know what I mean? And I was just really bummed out by it. And then, why did you end up in the refuge? Um, because we were fleeing a violent situation. But it was just like, that was just a time where I was just like, fucking womwomp, mate. And I think it lasted for a lot of my teens until I started to have like, you know, power over my own decisions and my own life

and stuff. Then around 12, 13, I started smoking weed and just sort of, self-medicating. Yeah, yeah, smoked weed pretty much every day until I was about 35. Until last week. Yesterday. Just started remembering my, yeah, just started remembering my dreams. It's mental. I was raised by a single mum as well, but I didn't have any siblings. So it was that kind of intensity of like feeling responsible maybe for your mum's happiness or thinking, why can't I fix it?

Like, you know, like, right, my mum's got all these letters that I wrote when I was about 10 as well. Just like, I hope you're okay. Like, I love you and I'm sorry that I made you stressed or whatever. Yeah. And I think when we're kids, we sense more than people give kids credit for. Exactly. You know what? That is down to like, you.

you're a funny person. I do comedy. And I think a part of that is like, that is where that comes from. It's like really using the only tools you have as a young child to try and change someone's mood. Like you can't do it with money. You know, God forbid you was to clean the house

and actually like lighten the load for him. Fuck that. So like, you know what I mean? Too much. Yeah, no. So you try and make jokes and you try and sort of lighten the mood. You try and be fun. Like I remember me and my mum used to,

you know, Clapham Junction, train station. You know you've got like one pathway that's underground then you've got another one that's above ground so she would be there with my brother and we'd walk along and I'd go mum I'm going to do it and she'd go don't you fucking dare and I'd go I'm going to do it and then I would run and I'd start singing

FAME And I'm just like publicly humiliate her Yeah just like an absolute idiot and she would just be like oh my god stop but like it would crack her up so sweet Yeah so I do you know what I mean

I'll do stuff like that and just you know, act like an idiot. I love it. Do you think you've kept that sense of like hyper responsibility going forward into adulthood? Like are you naturally somebody that wants to make things better, help other people? I'm a duo. I'm a duo. And I'm definitely like, it's why I don't have any kids because of that.

Because you've done so much you didn't get, you missed the opportunity or you chose not to because you felt too, like you were giving too much maternal energy. out already. I think I did so much of it as a young person that as an adult, I was like, yeah, no, I'm not doing that. Now is my time to be free. Exactly, exactly. Like, as a young kid, I was like a big caregiver for my brother and my cousins and stuff.

And I just felt quite like really wanted to make my mum feel better. And I think the weight of that as a young person and a young adult meant that I was definitely not having kids. Do you know what I mean? I was like, I'm done. Like, I've done it. Like, I've done childcare. And I've done adult care.

And like, now I'm going to go off and do fucking blowing party. Yeah. Terrible, isn't it? Do you look back on that time and think, feel sad about the person that was doing blowing party? Or do you not regret it? You're just like, it was brilliant. Because we had Samuel L Jackson here and he was like, yeah. Yeah, he was like, I love doing crack.

Yeah. Just, it was some of the best years of my life. Shut up. Yeah. Yeah. It was like quite a sort of unusual perspective. Yeah. He goes, everyone wants you to say it was terrible, but it was like it was brilliant.

It just, it had it served its purpose at the time. Well, this is the thing. You know what? I think Crack's got a really bad rap. Because it's brilliant. So morin. It's obviously good. That's why people fucking run their life into the ground.

Like, obviously it's good. I think for me at that time in my life, especially in my 20s when I was just fucking on, like, you know, never missed work or anything like that. But definitely was a party girl. I think that I don't regret it But I think it's If I loved myself more I wouldn't have done it Do you know what I mean?

Yeah So you were numbing something Yeah Obviously I was just trying to like I was going on a brain holiday Do you know what I thought was really interesting Yeah

Is my My, I've got a nephew And my oldest nephew Is nine But he's got autism But it's very high functioning And autistic kids Very clever

And you know Autistic kids will just tell you how it is. And I remember when I brought him to my old flat, he walked in. And he was probably about six or seven at the time. And he just went, Aunt E Michel, is it just you and the cats alone? And I went, yeah. And he went, oh, that's so sad.

Oh, no. But what was interesting about it is that, like, at that point, it was probably one of the happiest times I'd been in my life. But I thought, even this child who's sick. Perceives that. Is that what society is telling them. And I think we should keep society thinking. that because we're having a fucking great time.

And if people start realizing that we're actually all right, we're fucked as women. You get taxed more. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly. We already, we do. Yeah, exactly. We already do. But actually, like, yeah, it is, you know, now the stats are in

and there's more pregnant women in their 40s than in their teens. Do you know what I'm saying? And I think there is that like, oh, let me wait and let me, you know, women now aren't in that, like when I was growing up, we're the same age, right? So when we were growing up, it was all like, Ladets, yeah, you can drink Lager and do what you want. Women can do just as much as men. And then it was like, actually

that's a fucking lie in it. Because you can, but you're just going to get less sleep and have bigger workloads. And like, you're not equal. You're going to do double. You're going to do double on a hangover. I hope you can enjoy that. And don't apologise. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then so I think as time's gone on, now we're in this era of women

being like, oh, you can't have it all. Something's going to give. How much of, like, you either wait a little bit longer or, you know, you're a bit more realistic about where we are in society. And, yeah, for me, I always knew. I was like, I'm not going to have kids because there's other, there's things that I want to do. Now, that's not to say that you can't do those things and have a family.

Yeah. But me personally, the repetition of the everyday dinner and the everyday cleaning and the every day, you've got to eat every day. Like, you've got to feed them and just every day is all the time every day. Did I say every day? Because I remember when I was a kid I'd come in, I'd be like, I'm on most for dinner and she'd just be like again. And it was like, yeah, again. It's a new day.

Every single day. Yeah. Yeah. And yeah. I'm always like, school dinners or pat lunch? School dinners. Oh, no. Oh, man, much.

And they're like, when they say school dinners, you're like, just one meal not to think about us. You know what, though? That just fucking goes to show how absolutely diabolical your pat lunches must be. Because school dinners are trash. And for your kids to be like... Well, my little one doesn't really like food at all. The older one does. She likes pat lunch better.

So bad. You strike me as so badass that I'm... I'm that's sort of a given. But have you ever done anything you regret doing? Yeah. What kind of thing? You know what? It's in my teens.

And it... I'm actually... Like, there's so many things that I've done. I'm like, Yeah, I did that. I forgive myself. I'm not even forgive myself. I just accept it.

I'm like, yeah, I was a bit of a bell-in. But I'm not someone who's like actively mean to people that I think are vulnerable in any way. Do you know what I mean? Like even when I was at school, I was like, you know, anyone that I's had any sort of altercations with or fights or drama with was someone of the same status as me. Do you know what I mean? In school. You know what I'm saying?

It wasn't like, oh, this person like, you know, like the kid who walks on their toes with a massive bag and got like a weird red thing on their top lip. No. Would you defend them or just say it? Yeah. No, I defend them. I love the bit of drama. Yeah.

But I say all of that or I say all of this to say. When I was 40, it still makes me cringe now, man. So I was a truant, right? And my mate was, she lived in Burmansie and she got me in with this youth club. and they were like they would take kids that were like truanters or just bad kids or like didn't you know come from stable backgrounds

and whatever and they would take them out on these trips and there was this there were these people that ran it must have been like I don't know where they got the funding from but they took us on all of these trips but the workers there were like these like upper class slash middle class crusties do you know what I mean like I remember there was this one woman called Sam

like she was like a white woman with dreads and would walk around barefoot No white person should ever have dreads. I just want to say that for the record. Unless you live in Bristol. In which case it's fine. Bristol and Barcelona. I accept unless you're from Bristol.

Bristol, Barcelona. Those are your holding bays. Go to your people. But like, fucking. So like this woman, yeah, and this is in the early 90s. She took a bunch of us. We did a few trips. One, they took us sailing to like from Ramsgate to,

where did they take us? Ramsgate to some country, Belgium. Yeah. And we were fucking assholes until we all got seasick. It was crazy. Anyway, whatever. And then they took us on this other trip to Finland, yeah, where we were going to stay with Finnish families.

Mate. So me and my mate, Tony, were staying with this Finnish family and they were so lovely. And we realised that they couldn't speak a lick of English. They would like come and put down the breakfast. And we'd be like, oh, and have a fucking shit breakfast. You can't. And they'd be like nodding and smile.

And we'd be like, pass us, pass us the salt your slags. Like, we were fucking disgusting. Also on that same trip, because there was just a bunch of us unruly kids. We'd go and stay by this lake, right? And there was nowhere, you know, we're city kids. And we were like, where'd you go to toilet? And they were like, oh, you go in the forest. And we were like, is there a toilet in the forest?

They're like, nah, the forest. So we go into this forest, right? And we all fall in with smoking fags because, like, we're proper mature and that. Yeah. Yeah. Anyway, we go in the forest. and I'm like, I don't want to say her name, but I was like, if you, I said, look, I've got to pull down my pants. There were so many mosquitoes we were just getting eaten alive.

So I didn't want to pull down my pants because I knew my ass was going to get ravaged by mosquitoes. So I goes, if you pull down my pants and blow cigarette smoke on my ass while I take a shit, I'll do the same for you. So I'm taking this fucking three-day-old shit in this forest. My mate's blowing fucking fag smoke on my ass. She's like, wretching, like, whu-uh, and I'm like, keep blowing! They're everywhere These mosquitoes So anyway

I'll take this massive shit And then she's like Now you've got a blow smoke on my ass And I was like no I'm not doing that Dude I was a fucking tyrant on this trip Me and my mate calls Absolutely

We chucked We chucked another girl's fucking Like me and this girl Got into a big argument And like I chucked her fucking clothes in a lake Like I was It was like Antagonising everyone

But also we were all bad kids That's why we were there So it weren't like, oh, the real, we were all absolute cunts. And then we were put together. It was like very lord of the fly stuff. And like the adults that were there, we had complete, well, we felt like we had complete authority over him. Do you know what I mean? They'd be like, oh, we're going to go and do this today.

We're now, fuck off. Like, anyway, every now and again, you know, when there's a full moon and like my mate's going, you know, there's a full moon today. You should really charge up your crystals under it and make sure you put some water on that so you can drink moon water in the morning and, like, write your intentions on a bit of paper and burn it and like sage the house. I think yeah, yeah, yeah. And then my mind goes back

to having someone blow fucking smoke on my ass while I was taking a shit and I just think don't even bother, Michelle. Let's not forget who you really are. You're going straight to hell. You're going to fucking hell. There's not enough fucking sage like there's not

Santo, Pello, whatever then fucking sticks are called. You can do what you want. But let's not forget. That was you. That was you. You feel sorry for that person, the young person. What, the me? Yeah. No.

You're like, no, you were just an asshole. You don't think, oh, you don't think, oh, I went through quite a lot of really difficult stuff and I was playing up to it. So therefore, I forgive myself. You still think. No. Nothing. May, if you get there in your life, yeah, where you're like, I forgive me for having someone blow smoke, literally up your up your arm. chucking people's

fucking clothes in her late because they called you a slag pissing in someone's shampoo bottle are you all right? No! No! Is she still in there or has she gone that girl?

Me? When I say she's in a box and another box in another box like a fucking Russian dolls The box of shame Every now and again I really get ahead of myself Do you know what I mean?

I'm like oh let me go to a gong bath And I'm like you can't... I'm such a nice person Yet you can't gong that away Do you know what I mean? Oh, I'm a big issue. ambassador. Yeah, well done. Fucking and the rest, mate. Your job is

not finished yet. Okay, what makes you glad? What makes me glad? Yeah. Probably just like friends and like I just bought a place and it's like on the same road that I grew up on and I love that like my mate. Thank you. Coming home vibes. Yeah. And it's really, I really love having my like friends and family come over.

and, you know, hosting and bopping around Brixton. And do you know what I mean? Like, if I'm not working, getting up, going Pilates. And, you know, just like... Charging your crystals at the moon. Yeah, trying to fucking wash away the fucking heinous behaviour of being fought in. Yeah. So all of those things that are going to go.

I forgive you for that, by the way. I think you should forgive yourself. No. No, I think it's good. It's a good glad. I love living where I'm from as well. It's nice, isn't it? It feels like, oh, do you know what?

There's safety in this. Why was I going on that massive journey just to come back straight here? Is this exactly what I've done Paloma? I couldn't wait to leave Brixton and then I've lived in America for like 20 years, being here, there and everywhere, come back and I'm like, you are on the same road that you fucking got fingered on. Do you know what I mean? Faith.

Yeah, hope you're happy with yourself. And long may the fingering last. Oh, thanks. It's so nice. to meet you. A pleasure to meet you. Thanks for having me in your home. Thank you so much, my love.

It was a joy speaking to you. I could do it all day. But we know we haven't made friends because you made that very clear. Listen, you can't make friends with a new mum, not at this age. Do you know what I mean? It's like, when am I going to see you? I defy all boundaries. Yeah, no, I won't see six years, will I?

See you at some show or something. Yeah. I'll be sure to blank her. Bye. I won't remember you anyway. Yes, bye. Well, wasn't that great? All of the links of everything we mentioned in the show

can be found in the episode description. Oh, and while you're there, why not subscribe and follow the show too? See you all next time. Later's potatoes.