Ep 390 - Spider-Man Jump
00:00Hello, we're live. New York Post is they have the juiciest articles everAre they juicing on whenever I scan articles for like four seconds before we do the podcast New YorkJoe's is New York Post has the juiciest scoop dudeThey they're the ones who they had a video of a dude getting killed by a shark like two weeks agoThey really yeah, it was nuts this their one story is about a lady first of all she cancels her dream weddingThey mentioned it was her dream wedding like multiple times three months out before a weddingshe went through herHer fiancee's secret folder on his computer porn folder, and it was all porn and then pictures of like her friends and sisters and cousins
00:37That's face-matching. He was doing NSA. I know bros use I know bros used to NSA FAPYeah, where they'd pull up a Facebook and then pull up a girl who looked like her and just go back and forthHe was an NSA and his fiancee called him called off her dream wedding dudeI mean that is the that is the the best moment important is when you're scrolling through and you're like holy shitIt looks exactly like that girlImmediatelyYeah, yeah, it's funny about the New York Post is it it kind ofLeans, right? I think so. Yeah, I don't look into it. I think it leads right so like right-wing people are like
01:17It's the oldest newspaper in AmericaThey try to make it credible and then you get on the New York PostIt's like some dude getting hit by a train in the subway like see you later asshole. That's like the fucking headlineYeah, it's the juiciestI have to I'm this thing's burning a hole in my pocket a pretty ladyThis isn't a sponsor yet, but they did send us a nice sample. Are they courting us? They're courting us with a nice sampleWhat is it?Would you like me to do they?
01:48They wanted us to have thisLet me get that I'm gonna hang this up in my apartment my girlfriend's so happyYardine garden respect. That's art, bro. This is art where they chip that down from the Sistine ChapelThis thing's fucking a sheet sheet of metal. Is that the original life? You can put this in your oven and cook on itI don't think that's true, but where did they send you that thick bay in the mail? I IDon't know and honestly it caused some problems at first because I didn't open this my girlfriend did it was like who's that?She's like I was like who the fuck sent that and she's like, I don't know who sent this and who is that and I was likeI've never seen that
02:40They rule that's the only optionIt's an online company that only sends like tasteful thick babes thick babes that rainy would like on TwitterDude I saw a Isaw aExceedingly I saw an exceedingly thick queen way up here. Just it made me. I don't know why this made me so happyI'm walking up and a lady came out. I'd say emerged from aBasement-level apartment. Oh, that's emerging. Just came she breached she breached came up for airYeah, she came she came out from it and it's kind of leaned up against the thing
03:16She must have been like 411 and just very voluptuous. She leaned onYeah, like a little yeah, she like a black fence like a little like I'm leaning dudeLike a wrought iron gate. She came up and just leaned on it dudeYeah, and all of her splendor and it's got some light in there and I was like dudeThere's just part of me that just went like just a funnel. It's a funnel spider dragging you back down thatBasement apartment is laying there. Oh my god. Oh the sweet treats. Yeah, that's a turnip. That's a fucking root, dudeThat's a root vegetable. Just in the soil fatUnderground fat incubating becoming fatter dude thicker more soft. No one can make a man happier
03:57No one can make a man happier. What the magic at like that, dudeYou're not paying you're gonna fly in the web you get snatched and brought down by the fat lady. Oh my godYeah, be pretty nice just for like three weeks. I'll be honest. That'd be very very nice actually no as soon as you nutYou have to I would be very mad. I'd be like it smells in here. What are you doing?Because they're chilling that's the ultimate chill. Yeah, that lady was chilling. Oh, she was chilling hard as hellI was downstairs chilling. That's what I saw and I was like man. What a relaxedWhat a relaxed pace of life. Yeah, that was nice. I was did you listen to earthquake at all on rogan?Mm-hmm. It was funny because rogan's like I got to do something gotta work out every day
04:38I feel like shit and it looks like ICouldn't be happier doing nothing. I love to do nothing. I'm happy with myself. Really. I was watching like damn, dudeI want to get there earthquake. I need to ascend to that sickI'm just like chilling and being like nice. I did it. I would do. Yeah, that would be awesomeIsn't earthquake not even that fat? No, he's not that fat. Did he used to be huge?I thought so you would imagine with a name like earthquake. I thought he was like Bruce Bruce level. Yeah, so did I IAgree, I think the thing is it's like people got him confused with Bruce Bruce a lot and Bruce Bruce is hugeYeah, earthquake. It's just kind of like he's like a big dude. He's just like tall
05:18Like 250 at the mostHe's niceIt's a generous way to describe a guy who's tall in 250. Yeah, that's thoughtfulYeah, I thought he was enormous. I thought he was like the fattest of the fat. YeahQuick I thought he was guys. I was like, he's got to be dead right his name's earthquakeYeah, and I heard about him in the ninth year, you know early. Yeah, yeah two thousandYeah, dude, that's a are we boring you dudeWhat are you doing?
05:47Lean back. They don't be scared lean back. I'm not gonna fall. He's fall. You're not gonna fallI was looking up earthquakes dimensions Mike start off. No, it's not he turned it back on I thinkDude, you might have to take him out back. No, you haven't been around for a whileFirst of all, you're a history majorYo, God knows a little bullyYou're a bully. No, you know, I missed you know, I'm you know, you came at him. You came at him on cam, dudeHe's changed. Oh, yeah, no, you don't you don't know the new guard dog. Oh, he's crazy. He's a superstarHe's the king of New York comedy
06:30Now you're the king of New York County used to be the kingConey dudeThat's metal you just tribute this thing and hose it offMight bring that into my air mattress tonight. I think it could don't you have like a painting of like a lady with an afroYeah, but she's not that voluptuous. No, I mean, this is clearly just smartI am gonna bring now. I'm gonna bring that bring he has a lot of women in her houseAnd I'm gonna add one more see how she feels I had to add a white queen, dudeOh, you put a snow bunny on the wall. I might be a Puerto Rican queen. Yeah, she borekwa. I don't know dude
07:12It's pretty the way I have to tell these days with the honkeys desperately trying to look like a POCDesperately trying to look like a pirate of the CaribbeanI'll tell you what dude, I got we didn't even talk about the basketball game yet. I knowSo we'll see because tonight we're gonna go do Legion of skanks. Yes, IPray it goes well. I so do I I want the best some guys are acting like salty babiesYeah, dude, and I feel like I'm allowed to say that based on the wayJason treated me on the bonfire. He went on there and said some nasty. He made some good points, dudeI was like, dude, I don't trust
07:52But he's just not one of those guys I trust at all anymore. What the fuck are you talking about?What the fuck happened? I was crazy. That was crazy. I hope we can justBring light to the situation going back there today because that will I'm afraid dudeYou you especially like I was talking with Billion Spud this weekendIf you get in there and he starts coming at us, which I think he might it's possibleYou're a dickhead. I can't you're gonna hit him with like dude. Just keep it up. Dude keep workingMatt's got brother level shit talkSo like if dudes are talking like this Matt can easily
08:29He can spin out a dork. Tell me you can open for you in Austin if he wants toNo, that'sThat's O.L. That's super star status. That's true. Yeah, dude. Of course. He goes there. He's like, yeah, you can open for meWe're talking basketball, we're talking sports. Yeah, this is like regular guy stuff come back down to earthThe conversation that I tease you see the bottom. What do you mean? You're doing it do what he's gonna doLet me see the bottom of your hands. I could have swear they're coated in the gold of Hollywood starsYou got a star they heard about yourThey heard about your Friday night showcase with O'Connor and said the kid
09:17They're like, we got to give you a star on the walk of fameINo, like dirt coming here is that little note. No one fucking whoop your assThis is what I want to enact. This is what I want to enactWe need to get a buds level training program for anyone. Oh, of course. Now that we're just about physically this podcast is aPhysical phenomena, of course. You see me deadlifting today crazy. Yo, I had to do I had to carry a medicine ball today180 what scoop it put it on your thighs and you got to carry it. There's a 180Yeah, this thing sucked. Where'd he get that from? I don't know. It's for weirdos to carry around
10:06But you had to do it like an atlas don't like you got to pick it up put it on your thighs and then hug itYou carried and have to carry it you carry. It's so hard. You're Sisyphus as soon as you pick it shut up, dudeJust leave the job turn the mic off for a littleTurn the mic off for a little and then and thenThe big New York the New York showrunner your show runner nowHe's gonna snap tonight J. Oh if we're doing this sweet guard dogThat's another thing. It's funny to go in there being like, you know, I hope it goes wellIt's like dude. We're gonna go in there instantly instantly be the meanest. This could be a friendship ending podcast
10:58That's what I'm worried about. No, I'm gonna genuinely try to make him see hisJust the shift in worldview that needs to occurYou can't you can't you can't do this. This is crazyYou can't play you can'tYou can't play to do basketball and react that way no not a lot of play you get banned from the gameYou have you might have to resign dude from the Academy of two on two basketball. Yeah, I mean, he's got to be doneIt's crazy. Don't just don't pride yourself. All we can do is say this is what I'm thinkingWe say hey go ahead and keep the money if you think the bet was unfair
11:32Just keep it and force him to go. No, no, I made the bet you we look I'll pay it. It's fineIt's like, okay, you agree again. This is the third time you've shaken on this fucking bet you psycho. Ohmy godNow I hope he uh, I hope he finds peace in the situationHe's he has to find the humor it eventually. No funny. It is. No funny. That's I know him. He's gonna be like, yeahIt's funny. I guess yeah, he's like no, I see it. I understand why it's funny. It's just likeIt's just not coolIt'll be like that
12:06Now he has to be like, no, it's genuinely funny and I'm having a laugh. It's a funny thingIt's funnyThat ain't gonna happen brotherI brother we're going into the lions then dudeBut the funny part is you know Lewis and Dave are gonna agree with us. Yeah, like they're like this is weirdThey're gonna be like this is weird that you're this upset on a bet you madeYeah, somehow that that point's been lost a thousand times somehow. He doesn'tPiece that together. He levied the challenge and then I think the bet
12:39I think you made the wager, but he was he levied the challenge as like we'll do it blah blah blahAnd you're like don't do that. Don't do that. Yes, definitely. YeahSo the bet was made for sure Lewis was the one who made the bet trueIt goes two on two. Yeah, I was like, are you serious? You're right. You're right a thousand bucks and Jay goesOh, absolutely perfect deal. Yes. I remember thatThey were dabbing dude hitting the dabs dude. That was that was a brain on drugs. There's stoner dabsFucking stoner dad's it was costing their careersThey're dabbed up. They're melting away. That was the dabs, dude
13:11We might need to make a weed commercial like remember that one with the one the friends just stuckThat's how I feel on lesionist ganks now. This used to be so fun, dudeNow it's just too flat Stanley's sitting there. I knew I'd be a nastyOhWell, it sucks it's truly it sucked. Yeah, cuz I don't want to fucking battle Jay. He's the man. I love JayHe's a man. He just dude just being a sissy about the fuckingThey gotta hang the LOS Jersey from the raftersBut also also I gotta say watching the edit of the video I stink
13:55We all stuck I know but I had no idea I knew my jumper was bad. I've never seen itOh, I had no idea my shot was a full Hitler salute every timeIt's fucking crazy. It's not even close. You're a big man. It's literallyIt's wild you're a bigSo embarrassing this you're a big man, dudeI get it your post plan. There's some of the post moves looked nice. They're niceThe best when I got slapped in the faceYeah, Jay blocked my shot. He blocked me the one time. I mean, yeah, I think he blocked mine once. Yeah
14:31That happens. He's just staying still. There's gonna be a hustle warI mean the hustle ward is going out tonight. I was going to actually Lewis for sure Lewis did hustleI've Lewis tried he did that's gonna be a man. I get that's how you got to get himYou want to get them against each other immediately be like Lewis tried? Yeah, he's never gonna be able to deny that he tried andJay didn't that's all you got to say and they'll both pass a lot of fighting on meI started talking about like the fight in the dog. It's all about it was sports at the end of the day. It's all aboutYes, it'll be interestingWe'll simmer we'll simmer by the patreon. We'll be like
15:20Tired take a nice little nap before LOS. I'm just gonna watch hard as hell. I'm gonna play WWF 2kCan't stop dude. I'm a wrestling guy now. Yeah, I'm officially WrestleManiaSo LeMair came down. OhDidn't even talk about did we did I even talk about the race the big race? No, so I so I was gonna go to Williams Grove this weekendOh shit, I invited our pals down. I got an Airbnb. I invited our pals downWhere was the be in Harris? The Airbnb was in Mechanicsburg. It's right down the street from my parentsI've never been there before some old Airbnb or some old bed and breakfast. Yeah from it was built in 1790It's pretty sick. Yeah, as soon as we get in there billion spotter like this place is haunted
16:03It actually is it's terrifying. YeahbutSo I scheduled a show in Harrisburg on ThursdayTo pay for the trip nice. So it was nice. It was paid for did the shows ThursdayWhich did suck because it was all family and friendsBlows doing stand-up for your family and your mom is excitedShe brings her friends. No, I'm up there talking about fucking my girlfriend getting fucked by other people and stuff. YeahDid you ever do you ever think about ending one of those with like thanks suckers and like running away?
16:35Yeah, I've done that every time. Yeah, the first show I didn't there's in Harrisburg was right before SNLAnd I was like look this place never booked me to headline. This will be the last time I ever play this placeYou fucking losers. I'm about to be on Saturday. I love suck my fucking dickThe next week I got cancelledSo then like a year ago, we went back and did I think you did it with meYeah, yeah, I remember the first one was with blizz and Beezer. Yes, and you and meYeah, that was when the Amber Alert went off. Yep during blizz. Yeah, the second time it came backI was like look, I know last time I said I'd never be back here. I'll back. All right
17:09And then yeah every time it's like look this sucksI'm just trying to get you guys money. See you later. I get to come down here and do my little talent skitsFunny joke show. OhThat's your walk-a-walk. Yeah, dude. That's your funny dude. I got high the night before I ate a weed gummyYeah, I call I had to call Matt. I had to call Matt. That was so I needed helpdude, soSo I my girlfriend has these weed gummies that she bought in Denver. Yeah, I ate one in Denver nothingReally, I must have eaten from a different container or something
17:44Dude, you gotta really mix that shit up a lot of it didn't fuck with me at allIn fact, I forgot I took it. I flew home. She was like were you fucked up? I was like, oh, yeahI ate that weekend. I know not at all. OhThen I was like all that that was actually kind of nice. I didn't even really feel it was like relaxingYeah, I think I was relaxed. Yeah, so I munched this oneI got get in the shower 20 minutes later however long I get in the showerWe have this new rug that has like black likeCrumb, I don't even know if not crumbs, but like it's weird
18:15It's like a rug placeholder the thing you put underneath. Yeah, it's got these black specksOkay, so the rug was off and I was walking on itSo I'd black specks all over my shoe at the bottom of my feet again in the showerAnd they just sprayed everywhere and I was likeWhat are these fleas?I started reaching ass naked in the shower for like 15 minutes trying to try to grab themBut they would move because of the water your fear of pestilence is so I'm so I'm so afraid of itI got bed bugs dude. It fucked me. I know I had it before anyway in Mount Vernon. You're I was so afraid of bugs
18:51Oh, it's so funnyOh, it makes sense. I'm afraid of being poisoned. I don't know why I was so I was reaching for these things grabbing themI was like hold them up to any time you think it's a bug and you hold it up to a lightNo matter what it is. You're like that is a bugFuck where these bugs come from. Do I have crabs?What the fuck is this? Oh my god, and then finally I realized I was like, holy shit. I'm high as fuckOh, fuck. I was like, oh, no, you're like and these bugs and I got bugs on meAnd I'm so high. I
19:22Had to like stop like to think of being ass naked bent over in a shower for like five minutes trying to be likeWhat night was this? What night of the week was this again? Wednesday Wednesday night. It was a nice Wednesday nightAlso, it was funny is I was like, okay, cool. I'm not gonna drink Sunday Monday Tuesday Wednesday. Good nice little four-daySo I eat this weed on Wednesday. I was like the only way I can get it ejected out of this is wineYeah, I need to get drunk. Yeah, otherwise. This is hell dude. ISat down it was the night the United States played coast I get out the shower. I'm like I'm high as fuck. This is this sucksI'll put 200 bucks on team USA to beat Costa RicaNothing I did it right before so I was like, all right, at least I can enjoy this soccer game
20:10I sit down to watch the soccer gameThe only thing I can think of is because it was at Costa Rica. Literally. I sat there just like IHow much it would fucking blow to be Costa Rican? That's all I was thinking was just like your country stinks. IMean, yeah, it's beautiful. Whatever. I've never been there, but you go out the city is just a dumpYeah, like this building shit. Just doesn't work. Yeah, the whole country. You just it just sucksYeah, nobody relies on tourism because they want to yeah, you know what I mean?It's never a thing like oh, yeah, well, just yeah, maybe it's not that bad, but when I was highI was thinking of like this just sucks
20:44Like it's probably hot. I mean, I'm sure you get used to a lot of things, but like yeah, I know it's like living at the BahamasIt's like oh, yeah, it's like really sad. Yeah, it's like a cast systemYeah, it's always saying and then I was like I kind of understand cheering for them against usIt's like this team that they're in Costa Rica Stadium. They're like, let's go. We need to win this fucking USAHe's there like whatever. We're all millionaires nowAnyway, so I really stared at the TV feeling bad for Costa RicaDidn't watch the game. I looked at the television for 20 minutesI checked the time when I realized all I was doing was thinking about Costa Rica and not watching the game
21:20I checked the clock on the game. It was at like the 25th minuteI hadn't I didn't even know what colorThe jerseys were you spent an episode of friends being like sitting there goingWormhole, oh, it was bad. Oh my god. I heard this story of a lady who got killed by an elephantFrom where?From my girlfriend's townWhere'd you hear the story? She told me. Oh god, man, and it was killing me because this lady loved elephantsYeah, she loved elephants. She's from the middle of the country in America. She loves elephants
22:02She's a rich lady. So she started a foundationTo save elephants. Yeah, so she goes to Africa and gets fucking crushed by an elephantYeah in her tent at night andIt was just likeAnd ground her up into the ground with his tusks and then I was laughing becauseHer she loved elephants and then her dying thought was it had to have been fuck elephantsOh, yeah, and that was making me laugh. I was like, what a fucked upI would have been in denial. She's like, this is a rhinoceros. This is a rhinoceros
22:32An elephant would never do thisShe's like, oh, come in and grab a peanut from her tent. She's likeNoTurns out you guys suckYeah, so that was that wasKilling me. Oh god, when did she break the news? She like just like what?Yeah, all of a sudden dude, she was hit me the fucked up stories. Oh, yeah, a lot of them, dudeShe took you to the other room. She kept saying shit. I was like, that's kind of sad
23:03I kept being like, is that funny? That's funnyIt's actually sad and then I'd be like, but that's kind of I guess what humor is when you think about itI hate we I hate it. I hate itI was like at one point. I was like I like smoked myself into being a communist because of how shitty Costa Rica wasYeah, I was like fuck America dude give Costa Rica some stuffI was like, what am I a communist?IThis was a nightmare. I hate it. I hate it. I was fucking nothing dude. I'm Tony when you they fucked up those that batch
23:38Dude when you make this used to happen to me when I would make gummies. Yeah, I tried some yearsYeah, you mix it up mix it upYou can do your best but a lot of times if you're using like an oil base a lot of them use coconut oilAnd dude you mix it with water and that oil sometimes it gets a pocket you get one gummyThat's just a hot shot. I got a couple. I got the dud. I got the dud firstAnd then this one was but then again for me like 20 milligrams is like I'm deadYeah, I can't do it dude. I there's a huge difference if you get an alcohol tinctureThat's it's the chillest ever because it comes on in like 20 minutes. You don't forget. You're not always on doing something
24:12You're just likeThis is it's just like dude. I'm sitting there like dude. She'd tell me a story and I'd be likeThat's sad, right? That's fucked up, right? But then I was high enough to be like I'm a communistAnd I was like, you know what's nice about weed you get to experience what it's like to think like other peopleSo when you're sober you can empathize with them better. Yeah, I called you and told you that. Yeah, I was like, that's so gayI was laughing so fucking hardI needed matt dude. I called matt. I was like, dudeHopefully I was off service
24:43You were laughing aboutOh, dude, we could joke about it. That was the funniest fucking so I was like, I can't stopI'm a high and I can't stop thinking about nick bryant lying about all thatLike all I could think about was how fucking funny it is if he has no evidenceNow, obviously I believe I genuinely I believe I do believe him for the record. I believe I was just highAnd I was thinking about how funny it would be if he was on there like by the wayYeah, clearance thomas is a known pedophileHe's just out here making shit up
25:13I was laughing on the layup of him when he talked about getting pulled over with that dudeOh, it's so fun of him just having been like going for the gold and then being like, all right, dudeHere's the story like three years later just sticking to it being like I can't takeHe was trying to yeahHe was trying to get evidence of the compromising pictures. Yeah, which is the funniest way to get caughtSearching for child porn and be like officers. You're just in time. I almost cracked the case fellasLike pulling him aside and be like, I'm with you guys. I'm trying to catch these motherfuckersYeah, dude, I just hacked I just hacked zuckerberg's cloud dude. This is all his child porn
25:49Fucking mark zuckerberg's the one doing this fellas. It's like, all right, buddy. You come with us. Get your hands off me. What do you guys see?No disrespect to him. No, that didn't make me laughHe's the man that did make me laugh very hard to think of that being an elaborate ruse just to see the prince the eight by 11Dude buried in the mountainsSomething's like the gold if the real story. Yeah, something was like the sound of youLet's go out west and find the troveOut there the troopers get himDude, here's the deal. Yeah, I think he started his research years before that but
26:28No, I believe it's a funny gag to think about a dude getting caught with tons of child porn being likeI'm the tip of the spear. I'm gonna catch these motherfuckers. Like what?You're the guyNuh-uh, it's so fucking nuts. Yeah, so that was a driving home with that, dudeI've rode dirty before I've never rode that dirtyI rode a little dirty with like some at like a big bag of drugsYeah, and I was like, oh shit. I forgot about it. And then I got scaredYeah, dude imagine driving around with that bro. I can't federal you're going to forever
27:01And you're not only going to jail you're getting fucked up in jailDude, I've driven with like two thousand like it in like an ounce of cokeAnd I would do that any day over driving with cp driving with fucking like cp is your governmentGovernment blackmail cp. Not even just right. This is like, yeah, here's a picture of a senator fucking a kidYeah, it's like a picture of like shoot you in the head. Just yeahJust say like you had a picture of like joe biden the presidentFucking like really going in figuring a kid or something something whatever. I don't know somethingMaybe his son under biden clearly with cp on his say you had a picture of like, I don't know robert deniro eating an eight-year-old
27:34I don't fucking know something hypothetical. I don't know dude that you're only looking at and bringing home for research purposesDo you think no, that's fucked up. No, you know how they make like celebrity deep fakesLike they'll see like kim Kardashian. Oh, they don't need a deep fake for that belief. YesSo they have like a deep fake of like mila kounas. Do you think they have likeNo, because then it's child porn even with the deepStillBut do you think they're like, oh fuck you think this is real they can fabricateSee, I can do whatever they want. That's real fucking cia. I got I was looking at porn the other day the cia made me look at
28:11I was fucking pissed. They got you. Oh, yeahThat was you know, they made you the cia made you look at teaporn for they got me in sci-op researchThat was a military grade sci-opcrazy, dudeThat was doing deep research. You did some research. I I should I think I have you're gonna bring those motherfuckers downI've been on listed youtube video from like I've on listed youtube videoThat's like a guys in case they ever check my history. Just know I've been doing deep research. This is all fakeYeah, that's a good idea. We should all do that. We should first of all, we should just
28:38Nix this whole segment and all well everyone needs to see this but everyone delete this in like 50 yearsYeah, we can all come out and be likeNone of us were watching porn because they're all gonna see our it's it's they're gonna see our internet historyI'm gonna stand by a lot of it. So why boy? So actually, you know what once a weekI'm gonna there's gonna be something I would totally disavowThere's hundreds of instances of just something that I would I fully regret. Well, I think here's the thing thoughI think it'll beI think that will be when all sexual taboo will drop because everyone's gonna be able to go into everyone else's porn history
29:10And just be like who cares they should let dudes that whack off the weird stuff read to kids at librariesYou know, they might let in the the dragsThey let the drags be likeTrue, this is perfectly normalThey should let dudes who whack off to like gang bang porn be like heyLet's read this book about guys who love gang bang porn. That's not badSome of us like to stand in that line, dudeSo it was like the pool our dicks next other guy long naked line
29:38Who someone sent me a video on instagram of likeLike nine dudes in a line in the hoodAnd like what y'all doing here? What y'all doing like we're in line, broAnd it was just all them running train on a chick like behind some fuckingSide of a house poor ladyYeah, I mean just getting paid cha-chingCha-ching she checked out she refreshed her patreon tab and was like ohOh five
30:02Five dude subscribers. That's the car wash, dude, but did they pay?But did they pay she got after you run and train on someone you can very easily goGotchaTrue it is strengthen numbers, but yeah, dude. There was a thing I discovered when I when I was uhAmong the laborers when I had a I was in the laborer union. What's going on?What do you need guard guardian? You gotta start wearing all black stage crew. Yeah, look at meYeah, I was asking note it. Could you please hand me my water?Wow, dude, I didn't want to what's up with that cup. Is that mold?
30:35I don't know. I think there's no his pint glass. It's cool design. Okay. Sorry. No, I don'tYou know, I didn't mean to slay you before and you knowThat's really weighing on you big shotYou're a superstar you're you're a great you're a greatYou're a great sweet kid, but there's a dark lust for power. YeahWe've seen this beforeI've seen this before one day. You'll turn on me. Oh, I've never turned on you guysIf the prophecy range true, you might have to shadow the prophecy
31:07Wait, what the prophecy?I can't tell you the prophecy. We'll affect the prophecy. I promise you that maybe you're the good onePerhaps, but I think yeah, we already had AnakinYou could be LukeDude, you're talking about the economics of getting headYeah, dude, I was when I was working in the labor union these dudes would be like, yeahWe hit the strip club and they would get like their dick stock for 20 bucksI'd always be like what and they're like, yeah, dude, that's how much it costs to get your dick sucked and I was like
31:38What?Like, yeah, bro, you don't sorry, bro. You don't get privy to fucking hood prices. I was like, dude, that's fucking bullshitI remember being black dudes paying 20 bucks. They were like hit the strip club and like20 bucksWhat and they were like they had a thing because like 20 bucks. I get like half of cherry pie on a lapHead, there's like hood strip clubs. You get like two minutesDude, there's like hood strip clubs you go to you you go back out to the carOh, okay, and like dude, we're just going to different clubs. It's club. We're going to different ones. Yeah, it was a club
32:10They're going to the $20 bj ones. I mean, I'm going to the beautiful vixens one show and show until I go to the beautifulThis is what I deal with she sticks her then she sticks her butt in my face and I goWhile getting a lap dance they try to you know when they do that like standThey're pushing your face. You're like, yeah, don't do that. I don't want thatThey have a fucking they have like a band-aid. I do that's what I want to doI just the fucking get lap dance the whole time. It's got close your eyes and hold your noseI'll just goIt starts sneezing
32:45Yeah, I just want to I want to have the the n95 and just bury it a chick's ass. It's like, yeahThat's actually pretty nice. See what see what's on the outside when I smell that all dayme likeJust smell that all you're walking around all day just fuckingOhDude, we're having drop. We're having fucking n95 drama at the daycareYeah, they took a vote to see like who wants because they weren't letting you go in to like pick your kid upYou had a weight outside masked up or like outside in the vestibule
33:12It took a vote and like 87 percent of the parents were like, yeah, like let'sRelax all this stuff and like let us in the buildingAnd it's it's just fucking nuts, dude. They're doing it now. We'reWait, who's wearing the kids have to wear an n95 not n90. They have to wear a mask. They're okay. It's it's likeTwo years enough, but they don't even they can take it offThey're letting three year oldThey're making three year olds wear a mask to two two year old as soon as you're twoThat's the magic number
33:36But they get breaks like we give them the fuck are they keeping these masks on these kidsThey don't and they even say we give them breaks too. It's like what the fuck's the point in doing that?Like we let them take it off and stuff. It's like, okayWho's running this place dude?Who knows dude? Who's doing this? There's people they they get it's a daycareWho you got to you got to find the head? I know I've talked about just like who's the one who made this choiceWe've talked. We did they ever tell you who's theDecider so they they go back and forth. They say we're following the health department
34:05But then they also said but we also get we get to choose what policies will influence they give you a little razzle dazzleSo it's tough to nail them downBut dude, they're saying so now they're like there's been an exposure in the two-year-old classSo either you're quarantined for five days or your kid can come inBut the school has to test them nasal swab every day for five days a two-year-old doesn't understand what's happeningThey're getting a thing jammed like would you get it? You know, you know, you know feels it's fucking onYou go in and they jam your kidRight up the nose for five days in a row. It's like the kid's gonna terrify the fucking kid
34:37Like well, that's why they give the option. It's like you guys shouldn't even be thinking about jamming those little guys, dudeYeah, so let them all right. Let them stay home fair enough or just ask the parentsYeah, if you give an option, how about a third option?But yeah, do you guys give a fucking parents like no 87 percent of parents probably likeYeah, I don't want the kid here. You send them there. I don't care if they get covidThey're gonna get sick. They're going to a preschool. They're sick every fucking they're gonna get horrificThey throw up with the crazy diseases every day, dude. I threw up for a monthShe would just at night time wake up and just go
35:11She would wake up and go my bellyIt is goMe and her are on the exact same schedule, dude every night. I'm just like I don't feel good againDude, it was for like a month and you take him to the doctor and the doctor's like, yeah, I fucking they're just kidsYeah, their nose is run for like six months. It's just oh, yeah, it's just a pure not constantly non-stop, dudeI went over to visit my sister's kids this weekendYeah, all of them snot nose, dude non-stopBut the best is the the young boy thinks that he's spider-man now sick
35:41Oh, they all do every jumps off the couch and goesHe holds his legIt's uh, dude, dude. I just went to sky zone. It's nothing but young spider-mans, dudeThey're all spider-man now you see a kid jump and as soon as they flip the wrist, you're like, oh, shit here it comesThey fuckingBecause there's those like walls they like you can like climb the walls apparently it's off limits. I wasLet me see that. Oh, shit. That's perfect, dudeOh
36:08Fuck dudeDamnThere's nothing better one more. Let me see thatDamnThese thingsOh, it's so funny though because he wouldn't do it. Oh, he wouldn't do itAnd then his sister came up and did it once and he immediately it's like fuck thatDude a spider-man landing is better than it's so funny the need a knuckle land the need a knuckle is classic
36:36But a spider-man landing way more flair. Yeah, way and it's the best is just having a room full of adults goThat was awesome and the kid gets up likeYeah, I know I am spider-man. Yeah. Well, I actually turns out I am spider-man. So pretty sure I got bit by a spiderThis is it. So you're gonna take someone so they're like, you know, they're as old as they areWhich like almost seven I guess they think they're spider-man. That's their understanding of the worldYou're gonna take someone who's10% of that understanding and be like, come here. Come here. HaJam their nose and they're just like, where the fuck am I? Where are my parents?
37:11Why is this happening? But don't worry. There's only four more days. Oh, that's green goblin. You're in the green goblin's layerYou have to use your spideys can be fired up, bro. It's gonna be fired upThat actually might be the new onstage move instead of that justjustSomeone heckles meJump off the stool. You gotta jump into the crowd. I fuckingYou said yeah, just sit on the stool like thatIt's nothing but that at playgrounds. You see every little kid jumping off anything and just landing like
37:47It's about so far. I wish we had that. We didn't have thatNo, not really. We didn't have cool poses when you jumped down. No, we did. It was yeah, we didn't have anything, dudeNo, we did. I mean, I had spider-man, but not like that. I used to jump on the landI didn't even know to like bend my knees. I would like jump off of the shed and just fucking land like perfectly straight-legged and likeWe did have jackass though at a decent age. Obviously we weren't toddlers, butJackass hit at the right time. We were able to jump off sheds into bushes. I mean, did you play x-men? We'd play x-menWe did play x-men. We had we did have this, dude. We hadLet's go
38:26How nice was that? Be like, you're making me angryTo like your dadHe's like, shut up. Get in the carYou're not gonna like this popsMy friend kept trying to make me Cyclops who had pissed me off so bad. I'm like, that's wrong though. That's wrong though. Cyclops was coolYeah, I wanted to be Cyclops. I wanted to be Cyclops too and I'm actually ashamed of it because I've heard you guys say Cyclops was gaySo I kept it quietI love Cyclops. Yeah, well your boy calls Wolverines like your Cyclops. Wolverine was too much, dude
38:58That's claiming too much. It's true. I knew even at a young ageLike I'm not gonna ever be the guy who thinks he's Wolverine. That guy is arrogant. That's fair. Cyclops is just a nice. He's like, what's the problem over there?See ya. I wanted the glassesThat's another good one on stageIf they did fully, you know, I'm I am transforming fully autism. What is going on? I fucking La Mer tricked me into likingLa Mer was pumped that it was WrestleMania. So hungover I laid on the couch watching WrestleMania highlights with himAnd I was like, fuck wrestling is the coolest shit in the world. I forgotHow was it? I forgot
39:41I got the new wrestling video game last week. True. Perfect time for Mania being indoctrinated. I'm getting indoctrinatedIt's well first off itIt's funny to watch. Yeah, it's fun to watch. It's so funny to watch the crowd like when the pin doesn't happen be likeHow do you kick out of this again, dude?And like a guy that comes out and it's like, hey, just so you know, Texas sucks and then the stone cold comes outIt's like he's getting a whooping for what he said. Oh my god. It's so cold came outIt is nice glass broke. I was watching it like he came out recentlyYeah last night two nights in a row saturday and sunday. What do you matter every time every time 2003
40:22When you hear the glass break that inner dude, it's in there still I just revert it back to 73. Yeah, I was kind of likeI stopped watching cuz stone cold was doneHe's back smart move on there. He'll be he'll be done. Yeah, I think that was itI wish them like indian billionaire would buy the wwbJust make them all dance and stuff the other I mean they basically it's not far off really the whole point of the likeIt's like a 20 minute intro every time somebody coming out dancing. They all have their own phrases and move. They're allThey all do spider-man's basicallyand then
40:57The matches are hilariousUnless they're good. Sometimes they're really like good. Yeah, did you ever get into the reality shows of wwe?No, that's like right when I that's when I like tuned out the diva show is sick, dudeBecause they're like if you when you watch them, they're like I've trained my whole life for thisYeahOnce they got into like because I feel like when we were kids it was obviously you think it's real. Yeah, but like they neverThey neverActed like it wasn't real
41:23Now they're actually like actively like oh, he's a good wrestler. He's good at selling it like they're likeThere's kind of like a thing where likeI don't know when we were young. It was like dude dx hates black people. This is awesome. Let's godx beating the shit out of these black dudes. They're doing blackfaceYeah, there's been a vatican too type thing on the wweHe certainly has people were like well actually maybe it is just but it we can get it's like no no, it's realIt's real. It's still real to me. Damn it. Take it easy, buddy. We can just admire their performance like what performanceWhat are you talking about performance? That is the good guy. Yes, that is dx. He stopped the bad guy. That is xpac
42:01I saw him at the airport. That's him, broI did see him. He was there. He was thereHe was thereDid you ever break the walls that we are not break it down? I meant break it down. They used to break it downFucking I was getting I fucking I made my lady watch WrestleMania with me. Did you really she enjoyed it?She had fun really laughed it was fun to watchBut triple h was in the ring and she was like why is he famous? I was like he invented the socketYeah
42:32Anytime you see someone go he did that that was him bro. What an innovation in society imagine thatDo you think he ever like actually got head while doing that is being like?Probably I might start keep my hands like yeah, I don't know why I'm saying startI might keep my hands like that when I get head next timeI'm gonna start when I get head all the time. You're gonna start going like this. Just just keep just fuckingJust going like pushing down the base a littleThat feels good. First of all, if you like rub your tummy while getting head if you like whatever that is hereYou push down on that you get yourself to crumb. Here's fucking really these legs
43:05Dude, if you got a crumb tighten your thighs and you just like pull everything up. It's crazyYou're like, dude, I want to I'm gonna don't look at me through the fucking mic stand talking about rubbing your bellyDude, if you want to come you squeeze your thighs as hard as you canAnd then you just go like thisYou get it right. I wish I had that. I wish I had you can squeeze your thighs. I can squeeze my thighsI'm saying I wish I had your belief in myself like to be like, oh nice. I figured it outLike the placebo effect on most of your shit. No way is real. I mean it is for sure for sureI believe you come faster if you flex your legs and go
43:44Dude, it's an instant cake when you squeeze your thighs, you can't help but squeeze your kegelsI might just be like using way too many muscles and squeeze my kegelsTrue if you squeeze squeeze your thighs your kegels get engagedIt works, dude, I believe you I'll try it. It's the up and down you're going yin upwards and yankYou're forcing everything to your penis and balls all the blood's going right where it needs to goAs soon as we're done, dude, I'm gonna go upstairs and sayI'm gonna try an experiment. You might give me you might give me a head for a half hour straightBecause that's how long it takes. I know that's what I'm saying. It takes fucking forever, dude
44:29Um, we and you are in the same camp of like beginning head is almost too much. It's likeDo we have sex? YeahIt takes so long that you just start feeling like I just instantly feel bad for the girlYeah, just instantly like this is gonna take too long and then the second you think that it's overDong starts to I get a thing. Yes. I get a thing where it goesOh my god, this is gonna be a quick one for here. We go and then it goes away and then I goThe hell happens. That was the worst and then the whole time. I'm likeAre you okay, but yeah, it feels great
45:04Now I'm yeah, also dude, I'll get ahead. I'll be dead silentNice, I don't make it. I'm not like, oh, yeahIt's really I can't do that. I can't moan. I can't make noises. I literally get head for an hour of justI'll just look at the ceilingLike no, no, no, it's gonna it's gonna. No, I like this. I swear. I like thisIt isThis is the cycle. This is the cycle. I've done it before. I'm like, this is the cycle. This is winter. YeahSomething's coming. Something good's coming right around the corner
45:37There's gonna be a crumb dude of big harvestThe crops have withered the crops are fucking withered right now, but don't worry, babeYeah, there is that's like the ultimate harvest that you don't want at all the crumb. YeahYeah, it's coming. Yeah, man, it's uhAnd then like I'll do a thing where I'm like, I've held it in so longI'm like, it's gonna be instant and then it just it's too sensitive and you're like, yo, whoaHey, now hold up. Hold up. Hold up. Hold up. Hold up. Try to bury your butt into the couch. You're like, let me get out of hereTrying to tunnel that
46:09Yeah, wrestling's uh wrestling's gay. Oh, yeah, we need ads. Yeah, we gotta do some adsHold on. Hold on. Here we goMatt and Shane's podcast is brought to you by sheath underwear. Oh, tell the folks at home about sheathLet me tell you guys about sheath. I'm wearing some right now same and they do feel goodAll right, they're gonna keep your balls off your legYep, unless you're fatThen your balls are pretty much always against your legsTrue that
46:36The idea for sheath came from its founder us army soldier robert pet and during his second tour in iraqYou didn't tour once. Did you pussy if it works for him? It'll work for you. It's at least you can do you fucking the callYeah, you draft dodging plus he's support the show and support this awesome veteran owned companyGo to sheath underwear.com and use promo code drenched to get 20 off your first orderEvery order comes with sheath underwear is 100 money back guarantee. Yeah, and also to pay attention to the sizesI went large. I think I could have won a medium. Really you think they run bigNo, they don't run big. It's just like I didn't I was like on large t-shirt large this when you look at the waistIt's like oh, it has the waist man. I'm like a 33 waist. So I'm like
47:18You know I did a large and I my my waist I should be a smear to himSo pay attention because it the reason I'm saying this if yourPenis gets sucked back in through the hole. It's disheartening. Oh, you're so you sit down in the carI got a double x man. I'm trying to fill that thing out. Yeah, dudeYou should try to fill out the double x's with a tennis dudeIt's off you sit back down and when I get when a turtle goes back in the shell on you getOh, yeah, anytime you sit down the turtles back out of the sheath when you're dangling when you are danglingIt feels very good. Yes feels good. You feel I go for a nice walk with the penis in the sheath
47:48Bro, get ready to get a boner on the way to pick up your laundry. You do get a better and I'm saying this from definite experienceThe flaccid state is nice. It's nice. Especially right nowRight now is the time dude. It's it's a hot time to get you get the sheath and combine it with the warmWeather that's headed our way. Oh, yeah, bro. You will have a bigger penis for the next three to four monthsGet the tight that's not from sheathThat's from tight sweatpants some sheaths. That's sheathunderwear.com promo code drenched get sheath underwear and let them supportyour ballsAll right
48:22All right, we did it very good. You want to do the other one or do you want to roll and then do that?I mean, what the hell it might as well do it. We're on a roll, dudeYeah, yeah, this one's express VPN. That's you know us. We look at you know usWe look at plenty of shit online. Oh, yeah, that we don't want other people to know aboutNot the bad stuff, but legal stuff. Yep. What do you like to look at?Honestly, dude, I don't want people to know. I mean just porn in general. I would say I would say porn in generalYeah, I mean, dude, most porn now about it. Most. Yeah, exactly. What the fuck is this?What are these guys doing collecting our data? What the hell?
49:00I will say if you're on pornhubI feel like at best a lot of people are like at least looking at incestIncest is like top of the fucking pack in pornhub. Yeah, I'm not talking. I hope that doesn't I'm not talking about stepsistersBecause that's chill as hell stepsisters chill. There's likeOh mom and son my mom mom and son my sister that ticks me off. It's not real. So it'd be real if I lived in your houseIt'd be real. Let me tell you thatHold on. I'm doing an ad readMost of you are probably thinking why don't you just use incognito mode?
49:37That's because incognito mode does not hide your activity and clearing your browsing history doesn't erase it. All rightWhat it doesn't your internet service provider. It's gonna be my great moment when I goYeah, I know that momentchillYour internet service provider can still see every single website you've ever visited. I know storm frontGet rid of itYou just were doing investigative stuff. Do you want to see what it was?Fuck that's why even when I'm at home. I never go online without using express vpn. Yep
50:16Oh man, and if you want to go on silk road and like sell mollyTrue. Well, that I don't know if they're endorsing it seems like they have to be indoorsI mean, what else are they it's a useful tool if you go if you're going to do thatObviously vpn express vpns doesn't support that but I'm saying if you're going to do that you're gonna do cool shitYeah, use a vpn. You're gonna want to use express vpn if you want to sell your nft on the blockchainYeah, I love the fucking dude. It's blockchain technology. Oh dude for sureUh express vpn reroutes your internet connection through their secure serversSo your isp can't can't see the sites you visit. Yeah, it makes you look like you're in like 10 different
50:51I like that you're gonna actually love this shit. I'm gonna use it for sure. Yeah, you're gonna love being likeUh, you can't see my isp for sure. Just be like the rock is a bigAlso, I take back everything I saw I said about the rockI've trashed the rock a lot. Yeah, I watched his fucking wrestle highlights the other day. I was like fuck dudeWho have I become dude? I used to love the rock. You were a rock. I I loved mankind. I hated the rockBut I still loved sure sure. I was excited. I was against them. But yeah, you're electrified when he comes outIf you smell when you heard that you're just like, holy shit. This night keeps getting better. Yeah, sure for sureI'll give you that
51:28Fuck I gotta go to school tomorrowExpress vpn reroutes your internet connection through their server. Yeah, I saw that one said that most of the timeI don't even realize I have express vpn onTrue it runs seamlessly in the backgroundSo it's easy to use all you have to do is tap one button and you're protected express vpnWorks on all your devices phones computers even your smart fucking tvThere's no excuse not to use itAll right. So that's nice. So protect your online activity today with the vpn rated number one by business insider
51:58That's what's up. Visit our exclusive linkExpress vpn.com slash drenched and you can get an extra three months free on a one-year packageThat's exp re ss vpn.com slash drenchedIt's time to protect express vpn.com slash drenched to learn moreNice, you got a vpn going dude. If you need a fuckingI don't think I really look at stuff, but I'll tell you what if somebody ever found how many times I've searched my own nameThat would be catastrophicI mean, you know how fucking dumb that is
52:33And just to search your name and to be like, what are they saying about me? It's like stop looking at itTrue that is true. You can you can disregard the internet, but it is tough. It's tough on people or I was actuallyIt's rare, but I was actually hung over enough to be like, I don't even want to look at itIt was goodYeah, dude, there'll be days where I forget about it. I don't actively think about but like there was there was a couple days where I was likeI'm hung overI don't even want I'm not even curious. Yeah, it's a it's a weird just badIt's a weird tab to have open in your head in terms of like the internet
53:04I'll get caught up in it and be like, how do they like this thing? How do you start?My kid will be like pulling my leg and I'm like, good to see if they like the new pinkStop get offYeah, I catch myself and I have to go. Okay. Yeah, this yeah, you're fucking psychoYou gotta chill. That's what I do. I just dude. I meant searching my name on websiteEveryone's done it. Everyone's done it before the fuckEveryone's done it, dude. No, it's doing it now cut it out. You checking yourself outHell yeah, no, that's a good worker
53:34Fuck you doing sitting around grabbing dicksPulling a pud to this vixen. Yeah, just keep looking at her. What do you think of that vixen? What would you do that?I can't stop looking atShe's gorgeous. I like the fat. I like that too. I like this fat belly. That's my favorite partI do I mean, I have that that actually is from there down. That's the gun not far off. Let me tell youI think she's beautiful, dude. They're doing speakable thingsYou would do on speakable thingsAnd I have a wife. I just admire her beauty and be like, hey, you know, well, I'm single. I'm a bachelor. That's what I would do
54:09I would goI ripped those open a bunch of g thingYou know, yeah, yeah, yeah, dude, and then this I would with my teethI know you just got out of the water and your pussy stinks, but I'm going inWouldn't it be at its best out of the seawater?Perhaps it's an instant balanceOh, it's beef jerky. That's kweef jerky, dudeThat is salted kweef
54:37Yeah, dude, that's spicy spicy hot kweefThat's good stuff beautiful picture. What so what is this service by the way?This is well, I don't know. Let's not get into the service. This is just a free sampleIf if they decide to sponsor us or if we decide to allow themCan I get a folder of that like a trapper? I'll get you a couple of things forI'm gonna give my kid like my mouse pad if I have a son. I'm gonna get a I'm gonna get them like sexy trapper keepersTrue everybody else is coming in with the horses and lasers and unicorns are gonna be likeI feel like the white trash kids did tend to have shit like that on them. Really?
55:14Yeah, there's always like white trash kids that had like a playboy likeFucking air freshener. Oh, yeah. Yeah car freshener. They stole from their dad likeThat's pretty tight. Yeah, I feel like the poor kids always had pornAnd how you play in cars on naked playing cards. It was like, whoa, fuckWhoa, yeahYeah, there was a guy who had his car parked right by my bus stop that always had naked lady air fresheners. What every dayI was on the way to the bus stop justIn his car window, he must have seen it sometimes and been like
55:50I'd be so happyIf I had porn in my car and little kids kept like the boys on the way the bus stop were peeping itI'd be like the fellasAnd then I'd goYeahYou like thatYou guys you boys like that stuff. Yeah, there was a I told I've thought about this before there was a place in the farmers marketNear me that was selling children porn like
56:09My whole childhood this guy that was his living. He sold children porn and like oh, oh, oh, yeahI was likeStill crazy the guy had a store where he would sell children like fireworks knives and pornYou could roll up in there. It was just like that's fucking incredible. It fucking ruled. It was the fucking plugYeah, that guy's actually cool as shit. I mean the fence in red deadYeah, it was yeah, yeah, it was the plug dude. That's incredible though. I can't believe he never got in troubleHe yeah, I'm sure yeahI'm sure the dad's kind of understood they're like dude stop
56:43But I get it. That's cool as shit what you're doing. That's fun in al-Qaeda, dudeYes, you're giving the boys that was arms dealer dude. That was they were they fell into the wrong handsHe was selling us like m80s. We were just like throwing them in the woods. It was dangerousYou're selling kids explosive. You're selling kids dynamite. YeahThis being like sweetMy dad did my dad might have found out he'd have been like fucking creep. Yeah for sure creepThat was his big thing calling people creeps. He's a fucking creep a good move. It's a sick moveI still suffer from
57:14hisHe does impersonations of anyone who disagrees with him and I still doFucking Brittany gets so mad at me. Which one is it because I'll be like and then you were likeI'll start doing you got your dad's crazy. Yeah, I'll do the craziest impersonation of her and she's likeI do not sound I'm like you're you're getting hung up on the wrong part. YeahYeah, I wasn't being mean. Yeah, and then you were likeShe gets so madYeah, of course, whenever anybody does that to you. I know it's the most
57:43Infuriate like whenever I whenever I fight chris like I'll hit him with likeLike the high and he'll be likeI'm like, dang that's actually a pretty good one, dudeYou get me you get me fuck two people argue and it'd be likeSo funnyYeah, that's he hit me with that a couple times. I was like, all right. All right. There you go chris. That's a good one, dudeYou got meDude, yeah
58:16I got I got bay fired up the other day. I shouldn't I like I read an article and I was goingShe's gonna get really pissed. I shouldn't read this and I was like, let me find out what she thinks about it. It was basically there was aSome health lady from like new york the new health minister or whateverCame out and was like she started talking about calling white ladies birthing peopleShe meant to call everyone birthing people. This was her mistake. She was like, yeahwell, there's like she was saying that there's a big discrepancy between the deaths ofwhite birthing people andPirates of the Caribbean birthings. Yeah, Pirates of the Caribbean. He was his birthing people. He was his birthing people
58:53But she called them mothers. She called she called the Pirates of the Caribbean mothers. She's called uh,mothers and then white birthing people. Yeah, that's a good one. It was a misite and then of courseBut then they started having this deep debate about likeLike well, yeah, I mean that we're trying to get inclusivity like dudeWe're talking about ladies dying in childbirth. Yeah, and you're you're shoe horning that into thereSo just call them my momsTo be like we're having birthing people die in child. It's like dude. Why are you complicating this issue? Yeah, just in caseSome trans ladies watching this are like, what the fuck?
59:27Why aren't they including me?Dude, it was that's why they're not saying womenBirth exactly because being a woman doesn't necessarily entail that you can give birthExactly. It's birthing people. You might have a dong birthing people, dudeI do like the idea. It should be like birthing people chicks with dicksI like gender. I like the idea of gender not conforming. Just get it. We're gonna start getting the bad at we're talking about on the wayUp just getting badass gender not conforming. We're like, you know, okay. Yeah, I'm gender not conforming. But like, yeahI think you should carry an idea to
59:58They're gonna start we're gonna start getting that we have trans badassesCJ salute CJ. There's that other oneCJ salute salute the ultimate that's the ultimate dude. There's another one too. She's a lesbian dudeChills with jones and stuff. Who there's a trans the chills with alex jones. I forget her nameI remember now blair white. She did rogues classic heterosexual. I forget her name. Oh, yeahShe's quite beautiful for a woman with the penis. Oh, I'm not gonna give it to her that happensBilly sent me a video today. I got tricked by one. What do you send you a trick?Really sent me a trap
01:00:34Yeah, it was a beautiful lady rubbing her boobs and then she stands up with a dollI mean, obviously, I should have known it was coming. Billy doesn't just send you beautifulHe's not trying to celebrate beauty. He's not trying to celebrate beauty. He's trying to trap meIt's such a funny thing to do. It's just trap your friend be like, yeahI can't believe you're gayDude, I'm telling you back in the day that was likeYou would hear those stories spill that spitter againwith the lid on
01:01:05I believe you but you did have it right thereIt's okayYes, it's okay guard dogI feel like if you chew if you chew it should be on you to get like a silver spittoonTo carry like a three-footer get what's stopping youCraft one you're a craftsman give Noah the mic dude pay you know what tell them what you've been up toDamn, you hear that? Yeah, here. He's snuck that in. You could be this is what happens, dudeBiggie biggie wasn't lying, bro
01:01:35Just mo money mo problems, dude. These guys. Yeah throw him a chuck him some money, dudeTell him to shut upThrow money at Noah. You should make one. You're a craft you're a craftsman. I'd like to make oneHe's been he's been taking a class with birthing peopleReally tell us a tale birthing people. Okay. Well, who else some of the the non-binary collectiveAre they non birthing though? Yeah, of course. They're non birthing. I'm sure they're I'm sure they're on the teaSo there's formerly male identified non binaries in your birthing peopleThey're they're formerly female, but they're on they're on the tea. They can have they can be birthing people
01:02:08I don't know if you're on the tea. I'd be sick. You're fucking display trick. That'sThat'd be the best you know, that's a tea the next letter dudeThat's a fucking business idea. You send your boys like a tasteful oil painting. They're like, oh my godHe's so hot you uh-huh let him hang it up in their house wait likeYeah, and I'd be like, yes, yo by the way, bro. Yeah, be like open the back of that pictureOn the back. It's just her with a dickIt's a oh no a chick with a dickFuck chicks with dicks. That was your centerpiece
01:02:41Yeah, this is perfect. If you look if you listen to this podcast chances are you are a white trash fucking idiotYeah, this would go well and you're living hang it right above the tv. I want to do a smoke your bowlsWhat about a magic eye where if you look long enough you see the bulgeIf you fucking stand I'll be honest I like I like what I'm looking atIf you hold your eyes for 60 to like 30 seconds fuckingOh my god, I see the bulge. Holy shit. I like that. They still respected her the fat belly buttonOh, yeah, they didn't give her like a regular belly button. They gave her a niceIt's a beautiful woman. You know, I mean
01:03:20A frown dude if you get fat enough your belly button becomes just a frownIt's gravity dude. It fucking collapses into a black holeSo no you're in class with birthing peopleYes, who also identify who also identify the birthing people areLadies ladies yes, but there are so you if you saw a trans person you could go. Hello non birthing personYes to a girl but you could have a male to femaleYeah, but you could have a trans but you could have a trans thoughYou could have a woman to male trans who's still a birthing person. Yeah, that's sure
01:03:55Yeah, you could fall in love. She can fall in love with a beautiful. That's happened a couple timesHe could fall in love with a beautiful trans woman again pregnant. Yeah, I don't see what the fuck's funny about this, dudeYeah, you're laughingI'm totally straight face the fucking you guysIt'sThere's nothing funny about birthing non birthing trans gendersThe fuck I recently snuck into the trans communityYeah in the last 50 years I became a trans my people are black
01:04:39Oh man, should weCan't even talk about john stuart john stuart. YeahHe was he was a beast. He's he's still beast. He's still actually but manThis is a tough tough watch john. That's just tasteful as hell. What'd you do? He's touching her vagina area, dudeWhat the fuck I thought it was scratching sniff my bearIAm I taking me right now?I'm you're forcing me to take a knee, dude. You're forcing me to take action. I fucking take a knee. Don't make me
01:05:15If Matt takes the mic, I take an m&m knee. You need to start taking spider-man knees. It's what everyone else isThat would have been sick if Pelosi and the gangjust one person wasDude, no, it's taking a class what the class is uh, yeah, let me hear the official classWhat are these four these don'tYou wear them for fashion. Are they fucking zero zeros? Let me see that. I got I got like pilot's vision. Let me see what the fuck's upThat's for looks you look these are for these are hollister don't you dare fucking roll your eyesI have pilot's vision, bro. Are you being don't you dare roll your eyes? I have pilot's vision, dude
01:05:56This should give me a headache. Yeah, it does nothingThose are you're trying to look smart on stage. You're trying to hide those eyebrows. I see way better right now. Yeah, I think I have eye problemsWe should start getting spectacles. Now. This is zero, dude. This isPoint twos dude at bestI should be dizzy right now throwing up, dudeYepThat's that's that's that's true, isn't it? It's a bit of a metaphor in your life. Can't see too far down the roadYou know maybe in real life, but also
01:06:33Can't see too far down the road. No, no before you attacked us violently about moneyYou were we were talking about you were in a class a girl class. Yeah, big girl class girl class. Yeah, and you'reMike the much a gardenia stone you Mike in the mouthThe uhWhat and you won you won the girl class. I yeah, I I win the girl class every single dayYeah, what is it? What's the class called? It's called introduction to fibers for non art majors. Okay. YesAnd you beat them and I beat them every day you beat the girls. Yes at the rogue. I have to yeahNice because I'm boy. I have to he took
01:07:13I'm sorry. I took a girl class in college and he's beating the girlsIt's an arts and crafts class. Maybe you're a birther. NoYou think he's a birther? I I I leave the harm birthing. I leave the harm brotherIYou don't have to be the coolest guy in every story. Wait, what happened in this story? What I leave the harmMy harm of chick. That's fucked up. That's bullshit. You guys. That's not a safe space. I was hoping dude. I have two dollarsHere's two. Yeah, I got two dollarsI'm sorry. I'm too birthing too birthing people birthing toddlers future birthing toddlers future birthing toddlers
01:07:49Yeah, dude, and you're gonna talk about because there's a guy with a bunch of girls. Now it's a haremIt's like it is when I'm there dudeI can't even do this right now, dudeAll right, we're running outYou ruined it. You ruined the whole fucking thing. We're having a fun podcastI'm glad you beat the birthing girls at their uh, that is that does rule going into girl world and beating themIt's pretty cool. It's actually when I show them my projects. You have to beat them. Yeah. I mean, that's what I'm sayingI have to
01:08:25Project show what he made. I mean, I made a self-portraitHe made a pinata. He made a big-ass pinata of his head. Basically. It's pretty sick. You made a pinata out of his headobviouslyYou're obviously mexicanThat thing's awesome. Yeah kind of rules, dude. DamnShow the people. Yeah, show the people bro. Is that your instagram show the people it's on Noah's instagram and noNoah, what's your instagram handle? My instagram is Noah's paint. Noah's paint. Oh, yeah, he sells paintings. Oh, yeahYou sell paintings. Yeah, buy his paintings. What are we doing? We don't yeah
01:08:59Yeah, I'll buy a painting. You should thank you. You got anything like thisCould you draw me hot babes? I could draw you hot babes for sure. No, could you draw a picture of me making love to my girlfriend?YeahDoggy style. Yeah, absolutely just from memory nude, but shirt on for you. Yes fully clothed on me. Okay, except jackAwesome 316 t-shirt. Yesand she's likeYeah, for hair flying. Yeah, do you want to be able to believe what's happening?Yeah, gold helmet. No name helmet. All right. I got you
01:09:30And her make give her like an anime face like oh for sure the uh, he go faceYeahThat's actually a sick painting. Yeah, give her bigger give her huge titsAnd a tent actually make it somebody else tentacle make it not herJust every month send me a different painting of me fucking this lady and be like, I don't know what these I don't knowwhat these sponsors are doingJust hang them upThere's more money behind you in every picture. Just hang them up in my house
01:10:05Damn think if a girl did that to youI mean it's fun when we do it, but if a girl did that if a girl put up a picture of her getting fucked by someone else a paintingI've never punched a hole in a while. I've punched the pic. I would punch the pictureI would first of all, I would lease a pt cruiser an italian job my own houseI'd be so quick to steal that artYes, where would you steal it? Where would you take it? I would fence would you replace it with a non-original the exact sameWho would you replace it with? I would but I shrink the dick down. Yeah, and then at the endThen when you reveal it to it would be like you stupid bitch. You thought that was an original
01:10:42I sold the originalFor 25 dollars. Yeah, I would I would do an artFor some reason I would do an art heist and come back in and you know the end of the art moviesWere they like murder their partner? I'll just come back in and shoot my partner true my birthing person my partner birthing personI was fuckingYeah, I think if you hung up a picture like that you'd have to execute your birthing partnerDudeGuys guys, what the fuck that's the time. What an episode. Oh
01:11:10Uh question. There's a there's some dude asked a question. I'm gonna address it. I'm not this isn't a purpose of cliffhangerSo you'd ask a question. Oh, yeah, that guy emailed a question bro. That shit made me I didn't read itI didn't read it. Y'all y'all give it to you. We're gonna we're gonnaWe're gonna take a listeners question on the patreonDude, is this gay? It's calledUm, oh I have shows this weekend. Yes, I am going to be at thePalm beach improv thursday friday saturday seventh eighth and ninth of april the 14th 15th and 16thYou can find me at good nights in raleigh
01:11:45The and then i'll be in nashville for a weekAnd then the 28th 29th and 30th. You can find me at helium indianapolissoGet get ready for that and then there's a nice little uk run. So on theFuck, I don't know what it is. I think it's the sixth. I'm in manchesterThe eighth of may i'm in leadsI don't know check it outFigure it out. You figure it out with shane gillis
01:12:17Shane m gillis dot com shane m gillis. Yeah, dude, uh, austin 414. That's a bigAustin 414for sure cap city comedy clubUh, timonium maryland mcguby's joe calc 421, dudeDay after 420. I think you should probably have a bit of a 420 show anyway on 421Classic stoners. They missed the first dayWhoa, what time is it? Whoa, I thought it was 420 today. I slept in. I guess it's 420 every dayUh, it's 420 somewhere, dude. It is
01:12:51429 430 rutherford new jersey bananas comedy club. That's gotta be sold out. That's huge. I don't know. I don't know every weekWe'll seeYou'd be surprisedNo, that's the show that'll be people know. That's the best a weekend, dudeThat's the weekendSo yeah, that'll be fun mcguby's joe calc cap city comedy clubAustin I also I think will sell outBut
01:13:16It'll be very fun come come come come come come come come come come come come come come come comeBecause I oh, you're doing austin, uhCapsic next week. Yeah. Oh, that'll be sick. Be very funDang brother, all right, uncle joeFelix. Hey, you got any big shows coming up superstar. When's the next one?The stand already sold out nice, manWhoaWhoa
01:13:40Selling out the stand in new yorkYou got to get those sunglasses that have like the slitsYeahGrills you're selling out you sold out the stand in new yorkThat's pretty good, dude. That's really goodDude, yoThat's really good. All right. Damn. I don't know how much longer. Sean's gonna be on the showSo
01:14:06We need to stop doing that dude. Don't you dare guys?This is guys. Don't you dare this guy code all hail the queen, dudeWhat's her name? What's her name?Lindsay you think that's a good guess or a betSo you think this is a honky on vacationI think II think it's a spanish goddess, dudeThat could be a spanish goddess. I think it's a spanish goddess, bro
01:14:31But her hair is a little light for a spanish goddess the sun hitting it dude. Look at the topThat is a spanish goddess. It could be the shade hitting itAt the top. True. True. It looks likeI mean, obviously the sun is hitting the name of the picture. It's gotta be a name on the back titleBow wowAll right, we gotta stop. Yeah, we're gonna go to the page. We're gonna go to the patreon
There aren't comments yet for this episode. Click any sentence in the transcript to leave one.