Matthew Cox | Inside True Crime Podcast - Drug Addict's Unlimited Money Glitch | Matt Lalonde

Episode Date: August 29, 2024

Drug Addict's Unlimited Money Glitch | Matt Lalonde

Being an addict, you're willing to fucking do anything at any cost. Like I had no regard for anybody's feelings or I didn't, I just didn't care. I mean, you get to the point where you're, you just don't want to be sick. That's right. It's just the worst feeling. Hey, this is Matt Cox and I am here with Matt Lalonde and probably got that that right. I might have got that right okay all right so and he's got a super interesting story about I'm gonna say I'm gonna say a gas credit card scam he lives in Florida and came by and we're gonna and I'm gonna interview him and it's gonna be super cool so also do me a favor and

if you like the video hit the subscribe button hit the bell to get notified of videos like this also I have a Patreon if you like the videos like let's say you're some guy that's driving around on a lawnmower or you work in a warehouse and you spend three, four, five hours a day, maybe watching my stuff, you might want to go out of your way and say, hey, you know what? Like, I'm going to go ahead and throw this guy a bone. I'm going to join Matt's Patreon. Hey, it's only $10. Like, it's like, that's at entry level, like 10 bucks.

You know, 10 bucks a month? Like, that's nothing. That's nothing. So, of course, then there's also 50. Like, if you really liked me, it'd be 50. And if you were like, hey, I want to get a painting every month. then that would be $125, and admittedly it's excessive, but, you know, things are expensive. Regardless, you get a free painting, or not free because you're really kind of paying for it.

But, you know, you get a painting of a different con man every single month. This month, I think I'm going to do Jordan Belford. Anyway, I'm here with Matt. Check this out. So you sent me an email. We talked on the phone a little bit. Alaska, the credit card thing, were you born in Alaska? I was born and raised in North Pole.

Alaska, not the North Pole, but North Pole, Alaska. Born and raised there, I had a, I mean, what can I stop? One more? Can I stop? What was it? Are you in Alaska? Were you from Alaska? We were both born and raised.

Neither one of you look like someone that I think. See, when I think Alaska, I think Native Alaskans because I've seen all those programs like, like, life, life below zero. Yeah. And, yeah, and Alaska State Troopers and all those. But I saw one where they were like it was almost like a tribe or something like they were they were running their own the whole town was run by basically like a tribe. Yeah, it's not like that. I mean we're probably like 30,000 people population. So North Pole and then there's Fairbanks. So North Pole and Fairbanks are only like 10 miles away. So like if you you live in North Pole, most of your jobs are in Fairbanks. You got to commute 15 minutes. But it's probably about 30,000 people population. There is a lot of natives. Where was Twilight found? Twilight? Is that Alaska?

No. Are they in Alaska? That movie with Vanessa Hutchinson when she's the prostitute in a Prostitute? No. That's not in Twilight? There was one shot in Nome. That was way off.

I was still right about a guy that would kidnap prostitute, bring him to the cabin in the middle of nowhere, and hunt him. Oh, yeah, there's there. And that's a true story? That's a true. Do you hear that? You need to get that, dude. What?

the the hunting the prostitutes wow yeah probably do you hear that it's a yeah there's a car alarm going off yeah anyways so i'm sorry anyway so yeah yeah okay so we don't know we don't know where twilight was this and nothing is anything no anyway i don't think has anything to do with alaska um but i mean i had a fairly normal childhood um i there's i mean there's some trauma you know i mean there's things that I went through, I felt like I never really kind of fit into the norm. I always felt kind of odd. I only had like one best friend. There was just, I felt like there was just, it's hard to explain. I just, there was something different about me that I didn't fit in with most people. I got picked on and stuff and just because I was quiet. And then, I mean, eventually it led to,

like in my, before high school. So I started drinking. 13 14 years old and tried weed and were you your parents married they were they were they're both together they're both together and they're still together yeah and it's just like a normal like middle class kind of yeah but you just wasn't it wasn't working for you no it wasn't and so at the time let's see my dad has been in recovery for almost as long as i've been alive so they were doing the best with what they had they were growing as i was growing all right so they had they had to learn how to a parent and like the older I got like the better that they did like I they're the best

parents now that I've ever had like they've done a great job like it's supporting me especially everything that I've went through do you have any brothers and sisters I do have a brother and a sister but they're the same dad different mom so half half brother and half sister but they're see my older my sister's 43 or 44 and then my brother there's like 41 43 44 she's only they're almost dead just no shit i mean i'm i'm 33 i mean so i'm like i'm 53 i mean so i'm like i'm 53 is 403's ancient yeah my god yeah she i just heard them over there and i'm only 22 i'm a decade older than her um i hear you i hear you like them young they're they're they're they're they're they'll put you in your place real

quick. Yeah. They will. Yeah. They will. And then, I mean, so eventually kind of led to like, when I had my first drink or my first mind-altering substance. How old were you?

I was like 13. Wow. How does that happen? I mean, my sister always had pills or had drugs. I mean, my best friend at the time, he had a bunch of weed all the time and then his parents were kind of out of town or not really just present enough to notice that what we were doing. And I would drink beer and then I'd smoke weed and I had like a little Yamaha blaster and after I got all hammered and shit, I would drive home and try to avoid my parents

and let them know that I was under any kind of influence. But what it did is it triggered something like inside of me that felt like I was like, this is how I'm supposed to feel like right like just an a total addict like kind of personality like I'm an addict through and through and like no matter what it is that'll get me outside of my head to make me feel not make me feel that's the point is right there's too much going on all the time and the instant that I like I had that stumpsance I was like I can I can talk to people like I'm I feel calm I and I have like, I can communicate properly and I felt like people like me.

So I continued with with that through my high school years. I would hide a bottle of Soco behind my subwoofer in my truck. And before I'd go into class, I'd take a few shots and go into class. And I'd be like, I was cool. Like, I felt good. Yes, you're self-medicating. Oh, yeah. It's anxiety.

It's got to be, it sounds. I mean, not that I'm a psychiatrist or anything, but it sounds like it's super connected to anxiety for you. It definitely is. Yeah, I was, I'm totally uncomfortable with myself if I, if I wasn't under a sub, under any kind of substance.

Right. There's just, it's, it's horrible, really, until, until you reach a point in your life where you're like, I need to do something about this. Like, I need to change. But after going through, like, going through high school, and drinking while going to school and not getting in trouble or anything.

I was going to say it never caught up, never caught up to you. Nobody ever, nobody noticed. They just, they just thought like Matt's in a good mood, like how I usually was because I was always under a substance. Right. And then after high school, it was like, it was, yeah, right after high school, I had a buddy that I would go to, so in, I went to school in Eilsen, that's what, as an Air Force base because I went to North Pole high and I got too much too much in trouble

or just there's things going on and I went to Isleson so they sent me there plus I had a girlfriend at Isleson that I wanted to go to Ioson so I could be with her right and uh that lasted like two months so I ended up finishing junior senior year at Ielson and then uh I had friends that I went to West Valley and I would go go see them and then we were kind of into the same substances and same things and then that's when the the oxycotton thing kind of arose right um and that was in the C 2009 2010 and uh we figured out like you know you can smoke them you can smoke on tinfoil because these oxycotton 80 milligrams I mean they're synthetic heroin right like that's exactly what it is and I never in my life thought of smoking a pill what are you like what are you guys

doing and um one of one of these particular persons is one ended up being one of my co-defendants in in this thing um so me and him we would i would go to his house and we would smoke oxycotton off tin foil and then i did that like off and on for like you know a few weeks or then three weeks four weeks and then i just i stopped i was sit i was back in north pole my parents house and And I started feeling like shit. I was like, man, I must be getting the flu. Like, I just, I don't feel good. And then it dawned on me.

I was like, wait a second, I'm withdrawing. I'm going through withdrawals. Like, what do I do? Like, either I need to go get more or I'm just going to get, this is going to get, I'm going to feel like shit. So I asked my parents, I'm like, just some phony fucking reason. Like, hey, I need $80 to go to fill up my tank, go do this and do this. and um at that point in time they didn't i don't think they had an idea i mean there's they

didn't have an idea that i was up to something and um i went and got the oxy cotton and then i smoked it and i instantly feel better so i was like okay all right this is it i'm hooked like i i have to do this now in order to function and this is an 80 milligram yeah so what do you you break it in half or you can't yeah you can't yeah you can hawk it so you you bite it in half so and you put put inside down the 80 is like the controlled release right like no back then it was it was the original oxycott until they switched it over the to the OPs okay so the OPs like they had a plastic in there where you you couldn't smoke it you couldn't the original ones you can inject them you could smoke them you could do snort them anything and uh um shit where was I'm

sorry you were you were saying you smoked it and you said okay I'm not I'm Yeah. I'm definitely hooked. Yeah. This is, this is. Yeah, this is it. Like, I'm, I'm either going to have to support my habit in order so I don't feel sick or just stop. And at that, I kind of had the realization like that I don't want to stop because it makes me feel better.

It makes me feel normal. I have no anxiety. Do you have a job at this time? Yeah. So I was working at a small engine repair shop also where my co-defendant worked. and so we were both I mean we're hooked on the shit and then we'd come to work and like we're sharpening chains and just like I feel like shit and like look over at him like you feel like shit too he's like yeah we need to get something and then we find a way to come up with money or whatever

and we'd go for our lunch breaks and find one go get high come back to work and put all these engines apart together and start sharpening chains and got all our energy back and everything and then he he ended up leaving because he got a new job at a construction company a fairly large construction company in fairbanks and i continued just doing my own thing and uh making money through through the through the job that i had but then also making up phony fucking lies to my parents why I need this money and I need this money I need this for this I need this for this or my insurance or my gas or like I want to take a girl out on a date like I mean right how old are you at this time I think 19 19 going on 20 and then it came

to the point where so my like I said my dad's in recovery so my truck was acting up and we pulled it in the garage and he was helping me work on it and he goes Matt you know I know you're there you're up to something and I just want to let you know that like whatever you're doing you're going to only end up in three places you're going to end up either in jail or an institution or you're going to die and then your friends are you're not the girlfriend that I had you're going to lose your girlfriend you're going to lose your truck you're going to lose your job you're going to lose everything and then eventually you're going to lose the the connection or you're not your family's not going to want to be around you anymore

and uh i didn't that just won't yeah yeah right on i was like 19 years old i was like what yeah you're 19 year old drug addict yeah you don't know you've you've only been cleaning sober for 15 years right um uh well at that time it would have been 19 years and uh yeah one year out the other and like it told me straight up like uh i i I knew where I was heading. And then about maybe a month into it, my co-defendant told me that he's getting ready to leave the state because he's got another job from this construction company that he's moving to like a different state or whatever. And he has a gas car that he's been using to obviously fill up the fleet for the construction company, all the trucks.

And then he's like, I've been using it for my person. vehicle and then he's like so I get free gas and then I've been filling up you know my brothers I'm filling up this person I'm doing this because they have a ton of vehicles that have to be tough yeah they're not gonna notice a slight fluctuation of a few hundred here no hundred there no because they haven't entire fleet and so he didn't ready to take off and he's like you know you can have this if you want I was like well fuck yeah yeah I'll get free gas because then I can save money for my drugs but he's like you know

you could, you know, you can make money off of it. And I was like, well, what do you mean? He's like, you know, I charge people, just blah. I don't know until I'll take 20 bucks off or just like for my friends. And I was like, just that idea, just the idea that he planted, like I just took off with it, totally took off with it. I ended up, so I would sit at any gas station. So in Alaska, there's Tesoro's. That's what the gas gas stations are. And I would sit there and I just I'd wait in my car and I'd go up to anybody I mean usually it's like little old ladies or whoever and I had like a sales pitch for this because this gas card and so I'd go out to him be like oh ma'am I have a a gas card from the state and I have to use a specified amount of

gallons and if I don't they're not going to reimburse me these gallons just I just totally made that up the first time that I went up to this lady and I asked and I was like, I'll fill up your vehicle and I'll take 20 bucks off. Like, like, if it's $80, just give me $60 cash. And she's like, oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, of course, because she thinks she's like helping me out. Right. And I mean, I didn't necessarily look like I was strung out on drugs or anything. Right. And in Alaska, I mean, you, you know, and people are fucked up. Like, it's not hard to miss. Right. And so I kept that little. sales pitch and I would go up like shit I go from one person like just right there and

then on the other side I give them the sales the same sales pitch and they'd be like yeah for sure yeah oh whatever like however much it is like I just take 20 bucks off or I'll do this or just how how much how much cash do you have right now I'll fill it up just give me all your cash and they're like oh all right yeah for sure and then I'm still working full time and then on my lunch breaks I would go do this and so just in the span of like at a lunch break and talking to three or four people with that little sales pitch I'd make six seven hundred dollars on my lunch break in 30 minutes right and then on the weekends uh you know that's pretty much where I spent most of my time and then all of course all this money in

Alaska, oxycotton got up to one pill was $2 to $300 for one pill. For an 80. For an 80. So, yes. What is that a millier? I'm like, fucking, that's like, like 10, 15 bucks a milligram? Yes. Yes.

So it was outrageously priced. And so even me making $800 a day, I could get maybe two or three pills. Right. and my I mean my tolerance is already going through the roof so that that's enough to keep me well right and so I'd wake up and just fuck I don't have any energy I'm sick so I'd like then when you're sick and withdrawing and I go up to these gas stations and like I'm just like guy I just need you know like I'm fumbling over my words and shit and still I mean it still worked yeah um you giving people a reason to do it even if they think Yeah, something's fucked up. But if, let's face it, if I get a, if I got, if I get 15 gallons of gas, you know, they fills up my tank. Like, I don't have to give them the money until after.

So, yeah, sure. Let's see what happens here, bro. Right. The card works. It fills it up. Cool. Yeah. Like, you know, if the cop showed up, I'd be like, whoa, whoa, whoa, he told me this and that.

I didn't know. They're totally unsuspected. They have, they have no idea. Well, I mean, even if they had an idea, at least you gave him an excuse. No, you don't understand. This is what he said. Golly, G. Are you saying the card was stolen off?

sir yeah yeah at least yeah to me I would immediately well yeah of other people be like yeah this seems pretty fucking fishy yeah yeah but the way that I said it and then I mean of course like I said probably the way that I looked probably helped a little bit better too right and so it got to the point where I would have like I was a gas dealer pretty much I would I had taxis and semis so semis I was thinking I would have gone straight straight to a truck stop because those guys are spending a thousand dollars exactly and that's what i ended up doing and so they would i had taxis and semis that would call me probably you know four or five times a week their semi is like five six hundred dollars wow and a semis they have to

pay for their their own gas and uh i was like dude i'll take two hundred dollars off of that even if it's seven or eight and he's like no doubt right there you go man and um that went on for so you can be you can be pretty generous when it's somebody else's money I'm I'm always when I have when I've stolen a bunch of money from the bank I'm pretty generous with their money too yeah it's easy it makes you feel good yeah you feel like you know I'm doing the right yeah I'm doing you I'm doing you a great favor well while committing a felony I'm a good person yeah I'm gonna get you a break $200 off no no no I'm feeling a little generous today right right

with my employer's money. Sorry. So, okay. It's not even your employer. No. Oh, okay. No. I don't even know who this construction company is.

And so then about, let's say, 40 to 45 days later of me doing this, I'm back in the shop at the small engine repair shop that I was working at. And my boss comes back and I'm like sharp on a chain and he's like, Like, Matt, there's a detective up front to see you. And I was like, oh, fuck. Like, and I was like, uh, me? Yeah. And.

And, you know, go back and make sure he's got the right guy. Yeah. And that, and so when I walk through and I see him, he's in the, in a suit. Stop. Do you know how fast you were going? I'm going to have to write you a ticket to my new movie, The Naked Gun. Liam Nissan buy your tickets now and get a free chili dog chili dog not included

the naked god tickets on sale now August 1st and he's like he's got his badge on his hip and everything he was very cordial and he goes hey I'm here to see you about uh you know he's like you know I was like you need some gas that's what I think I'll meet you now I'll meet you at this at the circle okay since you're a cop I'll give you a 50% off 50% and so he's like I'm sure you know and I tried to play stupid I was like no what do you mean what do you what do you hear for golly yeah and then he's like I figured you would say that and go like get grab his briefcase plot it's like this thick big manila folder at your

work uh-huh is your boss there are you in like a back room I'm in the front counter and your boss is sitting there going well boy you look like you're in trouble I don't know what you They were hanging out behind and I know that they were like they I mean they had to know like I mean did you ever fill their tanks up no that's good as soon as he said gas they both turn around a bolt yeah no they didn't know they were unsuspecting and so like the counter the way it is like there's the front counter and then you can go over to the side where it's like a little bit more personal so we go over there and that's when he plops it out and opens it up and he's like all right So this is you, obviously, my face blown up in a picture, flips it open. He's like, here is you getting out of your car, filling up this person. Here is you getting out of your car, inserting the card filling up this person. So it's just over and over and over. And then on the other side, he's like, so you see all these transactions?

There's over like five or 600 transactions that you have here. and every single one of those is a felony. And I was like, okay. Say, first of all, officer, you've done amazing work here. Yeah. You've done a good job. And he does look a lot like me. Yeah.

I'm going to help you find this guy. Nobody's more upset about this than me. Yeah. I did any theft. That's what I'm thinking. Yeah, no shit. See, you got to be faster, bro. I know.

I just took it. I was like, dude, yeah, you fucking got me. like there's there's no denying it and so I was like okay so what is that he's like every time he's wiped it's a felony so I what do you mean I have I have 500 felonies against me right now and he's like well I mean due to the sheer amount that you made within 45 days which ended up being $21,000 he's like I just want to let you know that the FBI is going to be picking this up because this is no longer a state investigation oh yeah I thought this guy was the FBI no just he was a detective he was a detective he was

just a detective and he was letting me know like we got you back your bags yeah you were still doing like our um investigation and everything i'm not here to arrest you but i just i want to let you know that the fbi is going to be picking this up and uh so i was like what do you think how much time do you think i'm looking at like i didn't i was like i was fucking just pale i was a ghost i keep fucking hitting this thing god damn it sorry and like i was just you know pale sweating and uh after that encounter he's like obviously I'm saying and you're fucked up on I'm yeah now I've got to go through detox yeah I gotta go to jail I gotta go through detox I'm already fucked up right now but so well obviously I'm not here to arrest you so he's like but obviously you know I'm gonna need that card yeah I don't say here you go you can take that and he's like I'm not here to rest you we're still doing our investigation and so you're gonna have to go check in with a pre-trial for federal probation officer so i have to go to the the federal building and so i go and meet my my federal po and she's like so you're on you're on pre-trial okay well so you so you went from

i mean immediately went from the this guy just asking you questions he just told you go down town like you didn't was there a did they give you a they gave you a public defender or anything or no he said he just said show up and sign in i think he gave me to like a 72 hours or something to train yourself in to check in to check in with the with the pretrial because he said that the investigation still going and we're not going to arrest you yet like so nice they go to Alaska like they're like nice to you like they were you got 72 hours you know I'm sorry what you're going through buddy you made some bad decision like yeah fuck yeah I didn't have never talked to that guy you didn't never

I mean, looking back on it, I mean, it was probably, yeah, the easiest way to ever get in trouble. Yeah. And so I go and see my federal PO and then so we start pre-trial. And obviously, I'm still doing drugs. And I'm doing, at the time probably. Do you have to piss? Yes. Oh, yeah.

That's not good? Yeah. So she's like, I'm going to give you UA's. And I failed the first time, of course. Surprise, surprise What What does that stand for now? And so you fail

Well if you failed like did they Well they don't they can't revoke your probation You don't have to probation You just signed it you didn't You just okay Yeah Because you know like if you were on probation Then you're pre-trial

If you're on pretrial Then they could lock you up for that Right can't they lock you up? No They don't really lock you up anyway You haven't been charged you haven't been sentenced you haven't been sentenced any i don't know yeah you're okay so why even give you a piss test i don't know they were they were trying to clean me up before before i went in

or something i don't know they were they were they were trying to give me some rehabilitation in some way right i'm gonna get you healthy before they knock your head off exactly no it's nice it's the right it's the right thing to do yeah so i fail it and she's like well i'll obviously have opiates in your system um i'm gonna so you got a next week I'm going to try to get you to go to like an inpatient program or do something because, like, if you keep doing this, we will put you in. We're going to take you in so you're no longer on pretrial while you're under investigation. Can I ask you a question? What does your parents say?

Like, have you told you, you go straight home and say, Dad? Oh, yeah. Oh, okay. Yeah. So I told them, I laid it all out because my, they knew I was up to something. yeah obviously like i i was up to something and they knew like i mean i'm sitting at dinner and doing the nodding out or watching tv and so sleepy i'm working so hard yeah yeah i've been working 12 hour days fucking just all this gas and stuff man people wearing me out wanting gas all the

time and uh so i tell them i was like yeah so caught game and pretty much caught me and uh my dad he was like yeah I figured you were up to something so I mean what are you going to do and I was like well I don't know what do I do he's like well I mean you can try to get clean you need you need to do something before to try to show the judge that you're trying to change and try to make a difference and that you're you know they feel some remorse for what you've done for charging this company you know over $20,000 and 40 days like you put it got which probably ended up having to pay at the most 50 bucks that once they called their probate once they called the once they called the gas company and said this is or the

fraudulent charge someone's been caught then they they write that off immediately and the most they can charge them under the um electronic transfer act is like 50 bucks and they don't even charge them that so they have to reimburse them within like 24 hours so you didn't really cost them anything they did have to make some phone calls I'm sure oh yeah which was agonizing I'm sure I'm sure yeah and then um so after yeah that was that was that was that so your dad was saying sorry yeah he I mean he did he knew I was up to something and my mom is uh she she's she's very sensitive and she she was crying and I know I know that like I broke her heart and but my dad he's uh he's not

hard to read he's just a very um what's what's the word what is it yeah he's mellow a very although I've never seen him angry at all. But shit. I forgot where I was. So your mom was upset and your dad was kind of like, look, you got to get clean. You got to get your shit straight, trying to tell and show the judges you're changing. Yeah. And then so I go through.

I mean, I'm trying to stop and I'm getting sick. I don't have resource. There's no resources in Fairbanks. We have one rehab. That's it. like if I came to Florida there's rehabs everywhere I mean yeah Jesus Christ but there's only one in Fairbanks and the there was limited bed space can't get in there for months so so like they expect you to like I have to keep up my habit for two

months until I can get in there is that what you're saying like I like that's that's the drug dealer mentality so what you're saying is I have to keep my half I think you just going for two months yeah until you can and you definitely don't want to go to prison I mean you don't want to get pulled into the holding cell and detox in the holding cell but inevitably that's what happened because I could no longer afford oxy in in Fairbanks at the time because then they were they were becoming so rare that they stopped making them and they transferred they started making the OPs and I can't I can't smoke those

right like I want the instant high I want to smoke them and so um heroin comes along way cheaper you can get it for 40 50 bucks for for a point zero point one or you can get like a half a gram for a hundred bucks and it's way stronger or I mean sometimes depending on where you got it and it was like the black tar kind and so I started to switch to that because it was cheaper and the small engine shop still kept me employed thankfully nice I still worked there and then um towards the end of, so I got to talk to my, the public defender, federal public defender, and she wasn't very nice. She just kind of laid it out on me and told me about the point system and everything. And she's like, they'll take your childhood, I mean your petty theft, a DUI, like I had a theft for under $4 like that's a point and then I had a criminal this criminal history you're they'll keep every single little thing they'll bump up your criminal history yeah

every single time you've ever been in trouble so yeah you can have been arrested once for a DUI you could have been arrested two years later for for you know shoplifting you know and then and now when you get to sentencing you're at a criminal history level of three right so it's like so you're already now you're you're already instead of having like being at like a level six you're like a level 13 and at a level eight you're going to prison right so you're already done yeah yeah no matter what so so and then after after meeting her i was just clarifying that so that so yeah yeah so even though all those charges are ridiculously stupid charges it doesn't matter every one of those is going to count for more and more months in prison speeding tickets even right

yeah any kind of yeah it's ridiculous but So she tells me about that and tells me I think I had, I think it was around 16 points or something. And at the time, I was on state probation. So I had an SIS suspended in position of sentence that was called, I believe, for a forgery that I did. And so as long as I didn't get in trouble for two years. What was the forgery for? I was like for $300 or something. I mean, I was, I was withdrawing.

I was, I just found a check and $300. And I went to the bank that it was, and they're like, oh, yeah, hold on just a sec. Yeah, hold on. One more second. Waiting for the sheriff. Yeah. For the deputies. Oh, wait, they're here.

Yeah. That's exactly what happened. They're like, well, one more minute and I'm sitting in the drive-through. And then cops come around on both sides. And then, I mean, I was like that. I was being an addict, you're willing to fucking do anything. at any cost like i i had i had no regard for any anybody's feelings or i didn't i just didn't care like i just well and your your risk versus reward is is you know vastly skewed because you're

like you're willing to risk anything to get to stay high because you're in such pain yeah i mean you get to the point where you're you just don't want to be sick that's right it's just the worst feeling it's funny too how all the got how like especially the opiate uh guys to always just describe it as being just like being sick it's it's like it's all worst you know it's it's it's like their bones ache like it's a different like compared like other people that go that I've talked to that go through withdrawals like they always describe it as being like violently like ill your whole body's aching your bones hurt yeah I was heard I've always heard that like literally your bones yeah you go you like alligator roll all night and like there was a point where

I had a cell that was right across in the shower so like I'd fuck and I'd be freezing kind of hot flashes and bones hurt and so I'd run into the shower and I'd sit in there for 15 seconds and then run across to my cell and so get under get under the blanket so I could just finally sleep for maybe 30 seconds because you can't sleep either but that's that's another the forgery so the forgery you did the forgery you're on state probation for that already mm-hmm and you're on federal probation and you're trying to get into a drug rehab yeah I'm yeah Yeah, I'm trying to, but it never happened.

No, well, you keep failing the U.A's. Yeah. And so... They're really very unfair to criminals. Yeah. Yeah. And so it just leads up to, I think, it was another six, maybe not even that long, four or five months later, they get up to, like, the pretrial.

And then the, some court dates, like, there's a court. date before you're sentencing is like the um you accept your acceptance of your plea yeah you go and you say yeah I'm guilty yeah guilty plea and so I the guilty plea is actually when they arrested me on the spot but I had a few um court dates before that just like um I fuck these like like an arraignment like you ran you went in your process they took your fingerprints they took a picture of you yeah right that whole thing so you were being arraigned they let you out immediately on what on a OR bond like you didn't put up any money right they just no okay no yeah I was never I was never incarcerated until the date of my sentencing yeah and so on

that on that day I have right here 221 11 when I was when I was sentenced and I go in there and my my co-defendant he he's already he's already been sentenced he's never had anything on his record so he gets it's probation because I mean obviously through when I was talking to the investigator he's like I just want to know when when you came into possession of this card and I was like whenever you see it spike like whenever you see it's being swiped every day that's that's me right so like they calculated the differences and everything and they know it's his card yeah they need he

took a plea yeah yeah yeah and he just got probation yeah that was it and And so come to mine, I had written out like a little letter just to, you know, kind of level with him, be like, you know, I'm not a fucking awful person. Like, I'm not evil. I'm not trying to do this to try to just, you know, fuck everybody over. Like, I have a problem. I'm an addict. Like, I have issues.

Just to who? I'm saying this to the courtroom. I'm saying this to the judge. and I was just you know letting them know like I feel remorse for what I did it was it's awful it's stupid I mean I it's just a very immature way of trying to deal with my addiction and I said I mean if it wasn't for the for the case of me being addicted to drugs this this wouldn't be happening obviously and he actually kind of leveled with me and he's like I have a dog that's caught up in that stuff right now and I feel for you kid I honestly feel

like you need a real rehabilitation more than you need a prison sentence but due to the sheer amount of money that you made within the 45 days or whatever like you had to be sent into something right what was what were they already recommending what was probation recommending 16 to 18 months 16 to 18 months yeah oh okay geez okay for fucking 21 grand Yeah. It was because all my little priors, my little points. I don't know why I'm looking at Connor. He doesn't. He's not going to help. He doesn't understand. But he looked at me like, he looked at me like, I don't, how am I? I don't, that sounds reasonable.

Yeah. But no, yeah, that's, that's that's outrageous. That's ridiculous. Yeah. I know people have sold a couple hundred thousand dollars and ended up with probation. Mm-hmm. So, so it was, it was all of your, it's all of your, uh, your criminal history level. Yeah. Okay. That's, that's what led up to me. having to have that much. And so and what he said is like, you know, I have to sentence you to something obviously. So I'm going to give you three months. I was like three months, okay. I've never done any, any time at the time. Like I've done three days maybe for driving without a license because at that time, driving without a license was a jailable offense. And I had a, I think I had a DUI or something. And never done any time before. So

He sentenced me. I was doing heroin up to that day. I did, I smoked heroin before I went and got sentenced. And he told me that and then my, both my parents there, my mom was crying and like I kind of broke down. I was like, all right, here I go. And then they handcuffed me and they put me in a little federal holding cell. Kind of broke down, bro.

I cried like a small child. Dude, yeah. Yeah. Like you could, yeah, I was unconsolable. Yeah. I got considerably amount, a considerable amount of more time. you but it doesn't matter if it's a month no it's devastating yeah because you're taking you i mean you're getting taken away from everything yeah yeah especially for your first

time ever like you get taken away and you have to go through detox or you have to go yeah i have to go withdrawals good times yeah so then from there i they send me to fcc fairbanks correctional center um and uh question when they locked you up right there in the courtroom and they lead you away the marshal leads you away right they lead you down the hallway and then they put me in a little gate right and they leave me there until like until they're ready to transport all right which the federal building to FCC is three miles away but i'm in there for like four hours and just with me in my head and my thoughts and be like oh my god i can't believe i did this i'm so fucking i know i'm never going to do this again like this fucking i'm i need to change my life around

I need to do something. And finally, yeah, after three or four hours of me in there, bawling my eyes out and fucking beating myself up and saying how much I, like, slandered my last name. I, like, hurt my parents and all this. So many, everything goes through your head. The most awful fucking things you can think of. And they come and get me and they handcuff me and go to FCC. And then, like, by that night, I'm like,

I'm already tossing and turning and FCC like there's a lot of people in there that are going through the same shit there's a lot of people that are going through withdrawals so like what's that major problem in Alaska right isn't it at that time okay it was the the oxycodic epidemic was huge it was really big yeah back in 2010 2011 it was that was the main thing there was a lot of people doing it and uh So I get to FCC, and I, of course, I know quite a few people in there because it's just a small town. And they're like, here, this will help. Take some candy and, you know, like, whatever, anything that'll help.

And he's like, make sure you go take a shower, go do this. And, like, everybody knows that I'm going through withdrawals. So they're like, just leave them alone and let them sleep it off because there's probably. And so there's a, A wing, B wing, and C wing. And A wing is the higher, higher, like, higher security. And then B wing is like the low level and C wing is the workers. And B wing is just like, it's just, it's disgusting. Like it's like the kind where you just look down it and there's like mold and dripping water onto like the cement and all the paints scratched off.

And it's just, it's not very clean. very clean right um and so yeah i'm kicking for seven seven to ten days before i i start coming out of it and coming out of myself and eating kind of socialize and talking to a few guys that i know outside of there but that they're in as well um and then like i start to understand some of the because i've never done time i know that there's certain politics certain things you should do like in jail it it's not the poll it there's no politics in FCC really right at all yeah there's too mixed up there's not enough there's not enough guys to get together to be dangerous it's it's whites and natives yeah that's it so after 20 20 30 days like I'm playing spades

you know playing spades with these guys and I'm eating hanging out I'm like this isn't actually isn't too bad I can do this I can do this for what I'm not I've been here for 28 days I can do this for 70 more this is easy maybe they won't even take me to federal pen or a federal FCI and then on day 30 they go over the over the intercom LaLan roll it up and I was like and everybody was like oh shit federal here we go and yeah I knew so I rolled it up I mean all I have is my blankets and my paperwork so you throw your sheets and your blankets and bin and and uh so they walk me up to booking so that's it's no longer um just the correction

officers i walk over and then there's the FBI so they got there i always know their FBI because they got their tan pants and they're blah blah um you mean the u.s marshals yes yeah the us marshals yeah uh and so there i think there was maybe two or three i think there's three total including me that we're all federal and we were getting transported and it's at that time January December February so it's about February so it's fucking cold at that it's Alaska yeah I'm assuming it was cold but the whole time I thought it was cold it was a warm spot there there is for about three or four months and oh nice yeah other than that it's cold um so they out they chain gang us and put us in the van and then we

fly up to this little private airway and they put us in the little bush plane and just a little two propellers and so fly us marshals with you the whole time yeah yeah two marshals they were they were super chill comparatively speaking to the marshals that I encountered later um so then I fly to Anchorage and they I go to the Anchorage jail and I'm at At the time, I'm like, where, where am I going? Like, are they just going to, am I going to Anchorage? Am I going to stay here? Like, they don't tell you anything.

I don't know what the fuck I'm going to do. So, and then they put me in some podunk cell. They put me in a tub, a little tub, like, because there's no bed space anymore. There's two bunks, and then they put you in a tub, pretty much with a mat. The boat. They call them a boat. It's an orange, right? Was it orange?

It was gray. It was gray. Yeah. It's like a, it's like a. looks like a almost like a what do you what it's like a shallow fucking canoe or something yeah like a like a really shitty low boat that yeah yeah like a um trying to think not a canoe like a kind of like a kayak kind of like a kayak canoe kind of thing yeah yeah yeah and then you stick your mat in there and then i got some guy up front on on the top that's fucking of course

annoyingly snores every damn night and then i got the guy on the bottom bunk that's going through withdrawals himself so I'm on the floor and this guy is in full-fledged withdrawal shitting himself and pukin and I'm just like I I dude I need to get the fuck out of here like I'm seeing seeing that in perspective like he was like got to be 50 years old and he's still going through what I just went through when I was 20 years old and then like kind of put it in perspective I was like dude I'm not going to be 50 years old and going through this shit anymore right no way i do not want to be that dude and uh i was in there for two two or three days and you were locked in the cell the whole time 21 hour 20 hour out to lock down so we're just

out for breakfast lunch dinner that's it and uh in there for for three days and then yeah they bang on bang on the door the lawn roll it up i was like thank fucking god i don't care where i go anymore. I don't want to be in here. And I try asking him. I always try to ask. I'm like, where am I going? Like, we can't. I can't tell you that. And from there, there was probably about 10 or 15 federal inmates that were in Anchorage. And they, I think on this one, so they do the hip restraints to your handcuffs, your hips, and then your feet. And then they attack. you to two other people and then puts you on the bus and then from the bus then we go to the another private airport or something and put us on the

plane and I'm my public defender said that with the amount of time that you have you as far as you're gonna go with Seattle CTAC like there's there's no other reason why you'd go anywhere else because you're low your low level like there's that's as far as you should go so after I was I'm on the plane heading to Seattle right and I'm like okay there's no federal you told me earlier there's no there's no federal prison in Alaska no there's none so I know that's where I'm going I'm like okay so I can kind of relax this is this my last destination and so I get in there and walk in and it's it was a whole different kind of feeling because

it's it's prison jail and prisons are like I didn't I didn't realize that's yeah so I walk in and this this like a big two-tier where you say something I was going to say something this is with a plane no this is all yeah I'll tell you that yeah sorry so I yeah I walk in and it's a whole different feel because all the whites approached me there everybody's like hey do you need anything I like I do you need any food do you need it I mean socks do you need any shower slides yeah do you need the toothbrush like i got soups for you do you need kifi coffee exactly what do you bro i got a lock for your locker give me that back when you go to commissary yeah yeah yeah and like this it it was so i never experienced something like that it was

like i just felt like they were like hey we're here like if you need us let me know support group definitely and then but then i noticed like the other guys that they came with their their race went up to them yeah did the same thing i was like I was like, oh, that's, that's kind of cool. I mean, and so I go to my cell, and I'm kind of situating myself, and I'm in there with, he was just Mexican. I don't know if he was a north side or south side or anything, but he was really super chill. I think he was younger than I was.

And he's, we have lockers in there, and he's got, like, cans and cans of, like, Sprite and Pepsi and all this stuff. You can have some if you want some. and or I was like I don't want to accept anything from anybody that's just sad. You've been told. You've been told don't accept anything.

Yeah. Because then they want something. They want something back from you, Connor. Yeah. That's how that works. It is. Yeah, remember that time? You know, yeah, yeah, remember that.

You're going to help me. Now, uh, now I need you to meet me in the shower. Yeah. Whoa, bro. It was the fucking seven up, man. It was a fucking can of soda. What you thought? That doesn't, that does not add up.

That's crazy. Interesting. I don't get. That's crazy. Yeah. Yeah. I used to say the difference between being in the medium when I was in a medium at Coleman, I was in the medium for like three years. Difference between being in the medium prison and being in the low was in the medium if some guy left a snickers on your pillow, don't eat it. Oh, fuck, no.

But if they leave it at the medium, you can eat it. Because that dude comes and you says, hey man, you got my, man, fuck you. Yeah. I ate your fucking Snickers. I might be in your fucking locker later. What room are you in? Yeah. Because they're not going to do anything in the medium.

They're pretty much, fucking, they're pretty much set. They're okay. Yeah. Yeah. But anyway, sorry. Go ahead. But you don't want to take that Pepsi. Yeah.

No. I know. I've heard about you. Predator. Yeah. I know what you're trying to do. Set me up, motherfucker. And then, so first night.

First night, I'm at C-Tac. And just getting comfortable. I'm like, finally. I can, this is where I'm going to be laying down. I'm starting to fall asleep on my door. Lalonde, roll it up. I was like, you got to be fucking shitting me. Like, no, no, you got the wrong person.

Like, are you sure? I just got here. That's, yeah, that's what I said. I just got here. He's like, no, he's like, looked at his paperwork. He said, Lalonde. I was like, yes, that's my last name. He said, yeah, roll it up.

I was like, okay. I mean, so I don't have anything because I just got here. and um so they put me i mean do the the whole fucking wrist restraints put it to your hips put around your angles blah blah blah lead us all out to this shittiest fucking plane i've ever seen like i swear there was duct tape holding this thing together yeah yeah they're not it's it's not delta no no no it's it's it's not even like like what it's spirit it's not even spirit like And it's just a plain gray, just there's nothing on it. Yeah.

And the stewardesses are fucking horrible. They've got shotguns, they yell at you the whole time. Yeah. Yeah, they're not nice. They won't let you go to the bathroom. Nope. I don't give fuck if that lights off or not. You're not going.

You just piss yourself. Yeah. Because you're probably sitting in a seat that's been pissed in multiple times. Probably. Yeah. Yeah. It's good stuff. They were, I mean, fairly, fairly nice.

So I get, we all get situated, get on the plane. we're all sitting there and then the pilot goes I think we're having a problem with one of our engines so we're going to have to get off we're going to have to try to do this again another time that's what you want to hear

yeah yeah especially when you're all restrained and getting ready to fly to under another state could you imagine if something happened do you ever see that one plane I hate to say this but remember that one plane that I don't know what it was at DC whatever it actually like the top of the plane blew off and they lost one of the

fucking one of those stewardesses flew out like if you were chained together with like five other guys and one guy goes out like you're all going out like anal beats like you're like you're like even if even more if you could hold on the other guys are going to be flapping around hitting the fucking yeah the fusel lodge on the outside yeah we're a pretty strong guy you'd probably be all right i'm i mean i try my best so anyway i'm sorry go ahead so the plane's not good what imagination you have so the captain said listen there's something leaking out of one of the engines. We don't feel good about this. Yeah. So anyways, um, so we all fucking, we're all getting off and then go head back to the, uh, to the, to the, uh, to the

anal penis. That's what I always thought of when I, they would chain me to the guy in front of me. I was always like, we're like a bunch and we're all in orange. Like sometimes you'd be, or you'd have like the, the, the paper dresses that they put you in. Yeah. And I'd be like, there's like, there's like 12 orange guy guys in orange chained together. And I would always, for some reason, And I always thought, you know, anal beats. I don't know. I'd once seen some anal beats, you know, I, well, I knew someone. And, and, you know, they were, you know, and so I saw, you know, and they were, they were orange.

Yeah. That's all I'm saying. Don't, don't judge me. I'm not. I mean, okay, okay. Got that covered. We go back in and into the pod and everybody's like, oh shit, everybody's back, blah, blah, making fun of us. Like, and then that night, um, the one of the white.

guys he approached me he's like hey we're making a spread for all the white guys like I've never had any like real food right since being in it was always just like what they gave us and so like in the in the federal institution you can you can order a lot of shit you can order I mean pretty much anything food wise or drink wise and um he made us like not this big plate of nachos with like sliced up sausage and put jalapinos and cheese and yeah what was it a chub a little chubs yeah chubs and then the squeeze cheese and all squeeze cheese and all that and he just he had it for all the white guys and that night I was like man this is fucking awesome like this is pretty cool like and uh then that night again so this is my second night bang bang on my door again the lawn

roll it up four in the morning yeah I was like okay Okay, yeah, well, I know this time where I'm potentially going. And we all get on there, get situated. There's another problem. There's another problem. Yeah, we're all going to have to get up. You got on the plane again? Like, you'd figure that they would check the fucking plane

before you get on the prisoner on there. But, yeah, yeah, it goes to show where our government money is going. We all fucking get off the plane again. And now the pod's like really, like, really, baffing at us. They're all hollering and shit and making fun of us. And I was like, yeah, we're back. Here we go. Like, yeah, can we get some more notches? Um, then third night, of course, same thing. Repeat. Like I was expecting it. I wasn't even trying to sleep. I was sitting like this like on my, on my bunk waiting for him. And, uh, the lawn roll it up. Same thing. We all get on the plane.

and then pilot doesn't say anything so we start rolling back and I'm like oh fucking here we go finally going somewhere I'm gonna die take off everything seems pretty kosher and and then they're then they give you two day old sandwiches and a little box of juice with your hip restraints and yeah they want you to eat them like this like you're you have to scoot up the chains heart just a enough so you can reach down it's it's comical watch you drop something it's just gone it's it's comical watching like like the hardest dudes like tattoos everywhere buff and like they're just struggling to try to eat their little sandwich it's just I saw a few guys are like

fuck that I'm not even going to try and then we land I don't know where we where we landed until until I got off the plane because I was like this is I mean I'm in Vegas I can see the Chris Angel fucking pyramid. I can see the strip. I think this is cool. I'm getting all my vacation spots checked off around this because later I found out that they're moving me because of

limited bed space. Whatever the fuck that means. But that's why they were moving me around. And so they put you on a bus again and we're driving through. I drive through the strip like I'm on a bus just like, oh this is fucking cool. Looking at everything. I've never been

to Vegas. And you still really haven't been being in the prison transport on the way to prison driving down this trip is not really being to Vegas yeah but I mean I was in the location of so I mean I didn't get to experience of course real Vegas and then we'd drive past it we started we started going through like this desert like where there's absolutely nothing and we pull into like it just it looked like like an army base because you can't you can't see the fence like it's all the the ground is above the fence and everything so you have to go around through where the gates are until you actually can see the prison and then it's a it was a um a privately owned federal institution called

it was just perump fc fci i and never never heard of the place it's so i guess it's a holding or a transport like facility I guess I have no idea why they sent me there but that's where I know who own that facility was it like CCA I have no idea because there's a bunch of private there's bunch of private companies that like there's CCA there's is it global and they were they they build private prisons and they they house federal and state inmates yeah yeah I just I was obviously brand new because I mean paint was all everything was brand new and uh they they put us all in the little paw little holding cell and they're doing their little classifications and stuff and uh finally get

out of my cuffs and i think i i'm wearing my so in setak they give you brown you're wearing your brown and brown and i'm wearing my shower shoes that's all i got and uh and there it's the yellow jumpsuit so you got to go through I got a you got to change out from your from my CTAC clothes you got to go through your whole inspection and do you I'm sure you know yeah yeah that's real fun yeah yeah the bend over squat and cough yeah yeah yeah lift up your sack yeah let me see what you got in there yeah that's fun and then they they gave you your your yellow jumpsuits and then I I turned the corner and I I I've just, it was just huge.

Like, I couldn't see the end of it. It was just one big, long haul. And they assigned me to a pod. So, and I walk in, it's just, it's literally, it's, you don't have a cell. There's no cell. It's just, it was like probably a open bay. Yeah, it was like probably like a 60 by 60. Yeah, just with lines of beds.

And then one big TV up here. And then you have one, two, three, four, five. tables so there's all your beds and all the little shitters with the um with the divider that's probably this high so you can look to the guy next to you've taken a shit and say hi no um or masturbating yeah that's yeah sometimes they'll bring in some uh some lotion yeah you know yeah you make sure you keep your blinders on whatever you're doing you don't want to look over ever or sometimes maybe you do maybe you say tom what do you look at there come on stop at cox you know what i'm doing what you doing

what's all that noise you eat macaroni yeah what's going on bro worry about your damn self and can I read that later is that is that the one with the what's your name in yeah got to hear my cox so we're and I go into this one and I'm not approached like by the white guys this time like this is just a big fucking dorm and so I find this is where I'm at and where my bed is and I'm in fucking Nevada I'm like what am I'm like thinking I'm like how much time do I have left like I bet this is okay yeah half your sentence has been to transport yeah like I'm at this point I was like I think I have probably 50 days left you should be putting me in for halfway house no yeah and uh so I find my bunk

and then eventually to like talk to so I mean he was white because I Obviously, he was a skinhead, had a bunch of tattoos and blah, blah, blah. And he, this place was super politic-y. Like, he was, he let me know, this is where I learned where there's the Norteños and the Sirenos. He's like, okay, so you can associate with the South Siders, and you can tell that they're South Siders because they have a shaved head. The North Siders don't, but some of them do. I was like, how the hell? Is there a manual?

Yeah, I was like, how do you expect me to? I was like, you know, how about I just don't associate with any of them? Then I'll be okay. And then he's like, and there's this one guy, he's mixed. He has a white mom and a black dad, so he's mixed. So he runs with us. So I just want to let you know that, like, that's what we're doing around here. Because the pod, I think there's 10, 11 white dudes, the rest of them were North Sider, South Siders,

or blacks and how many people are in the unit total probably 40 or 50 I want to say 40 or 50 if 10 of them are that's like 25% white guys yeah yeah and so what's so funny is in prison like having this conversation like you can't have this conversation in the real world because in the real world like it's funny you go to prison and it like the black guys can be right next door right next to you say listen let me tell you about the black guy don't talk to the i fucking see and they're right there you're like you're like you know you just get off the street you're like bro bro there's a black guy right there like what are you saying bro yeah and then you know and it's like such an issue in in prison and then you

get out and you still have that mentality it's the exact opposite yeah but it's the exact you know it's and it was so funny as people out here they're like you know racism and they're like this is not racism

no you have no idea what racism is but so he gives me that a little bit of the lowdown and then one one morning we get

it's like waffles or pancakes and little apple slices for for breakfast and they give you like a little spoonful of peanut butter

and the the white slash black guy, the mixed guy that ran with us, he was allergic to peanut butter to get a nut allergy or something. And he's like, here, you want mine? I like, I can't have it. I was like, yeah, sure, I'll take it and put it on my waffle or my pancake, ate it. And then, like a couple hours later, the, that white dude that first talked to me about the politics and everything in there, he goes, so I saw you took some peanut butter from what's his name earlier you know that I should beat your ass for that how big is this guy by the way because basically did you tell him you're like a tourist like I'm I'm on vacation this is this is a couple

of months for me bro this is in my fucking life he yeah he knew that I was like this is my first time obviously well and it's your your short time right you yeah let him know like I'm on I'm on my way out I've been on my way out since I got in and and and that's what he was like that's what he said he was like so but since I know you're new here and I know that you don't got much time that I'm not going to let this one slide I was like oh thanks buddy yeah yeah thanks for that like I mean he wasn't at that the time I mean in 2010 2011 I mean I was a lot smaller I mean he wasn't I was going to say you're you're a pretty big guy like I was like how big is this guy yeah I mean that that time he was a lot bigger than me right yeah

like I think after after the withdrawals and everything I started eating I was maybe 140 150 pounds oh shit yeah and like I can't imagine you at a buck fucking 40 like yeah I was I mean I was strong out you're probably what's 170 now 180 no I'm pushing almost 200 oh fuck I think last yeah it was like 190 well it would have been a different conversation yeah at 200 it was it 140 yeah if you said that I would have I much more lifted by his neck and threw him away I'm much more polite to people that are 200 pounds yeah no shit and then so yeah that happened and i was like okay well all right i thanks thank you i understand sir and uh and then i was there i was at perump for maybe a week or two and they had

uh you could go outside whenever you wanted but it was just like a fenced in area so there was the pod and then you could just walk out to maybe a 15 by 15 obviously gated it just you could just go out there and chill like there wasn't enough to play handball or anything it was just to just to go outside and me being from Alaska like I didn't get that much sun so I just go I just go and sit like kind of in the corner and just sit there and so soak up the sun and all the guys like oh hey look at Alaska just I'm like yeah leave me alone this I'm just fucking soaking up sun I don't have anything else to do I'm out of here like I what and then um yeah about a week later um over the pa again luland roll it up i was like

where the fuck else could i possibly going now like i i'm i'm pushing under 40 days now like i've been to two well if you count the from fcc to anchorage from anchorage to ctac to perump i mean i've been to four different places yeah already and uh i roll it up i'm like okay where the fuck am i going to go now um and then i think this time let's see i was in Vegas so i we took a bus this time i they didn't fly me we took a bus all the way from from Nevada and then I ended up

arriving to Sheridan, Oregon, FCI and that's where I did the remainder of my time and in FCI or in the

in Sheridan it was three man cells and you have to go there first, you have to go into the classification pod and at that time i think i had 35 days left or something so they didn't they couldn't classify me to put me into where i was supposed to go right because most guys stay in classification in that pod for a week

and and in that classification pod you're on 21-hour lockdown same thing lunch i mean breakfast lunch and dinner and uh three-man cells and um first couple nights uh they They were pulling people out and be like, okay, you're going here, and then you're going here. And then I'd get a cell to myself and be like, oh, this is nice. And then until more came in. And then so in Sheridan, they give you, of course, when you get there, I'm in another yellow jumpsuit, but they also give you a jacket with a hood because in that particular pod or that that federal detention center it's it was it was just cold in there and I mean they give you

jackets and because you can go outside too and it has a hood on there and there was one morning right there they pop the doors and it's breakfast time and I have my jacket on everybody's wearing their jackets like and a lot of them put their hood on because and that doesn't fucking matter but I'm sitting in line like shuffling you know waiting to get my breakfast and I'm just And then I hear a CEO say, hey, take off your fucking hood.

And I was like, I know there's plenty of other people wearing their hood. So I didn't pay any attention to it. And kept going. Hey, do you fucking hear me? Take off your goddamn hood. And I kind of like, look back. And I was like, I know he's not fucking talking

to me that way. Like I... Yeah, he is. I know. And he was. And I was like, I didn't, I'm not going to... I don't care. I'm at the point. I was like, you can't, you can't talk to me that way. I just, no matter who you are,

like, I've just, that's just how I felt. Like, I just, it just, it got got me. I was like, just, you motherfucker. And, uh, so he came up and grabbed me on the shoulder. And I said, did you hear me? He said, take off your fucking hood. And I said, I don't go to fuck who you are. You're not going to talk to me that way. Just say, hey, can you, can you take off your hood? Like, why do you give us a jacket with a hood if you don't want us to wear the fucking hood? hood and he um he said do you know you know who was asking you to do that to take off your hood you know who was asking you to do that that's the warden and I was like okay what does that mean he's like well you're disrespecting the warden and the warden told you to take off the hood

and that's insubordination and I was like I shut the fuck like I don't care as the warden was he was like a five foot two little Mexican dude and he's yelling at me to take off my hood hood he's like all right well take him to the hole so i get sent to the hole for wearing my hood on a jacket that they give you for no fucking reason so i get sent to the hole and uh i get it's it i mean the hole is that's a whole different place there's i mean there's people fucking screaming i mean there's loud it's very loud and then i learned that i mean after being in there like for the first day you only get to shower three times a week when you're in the hole and they bring it to you they bring the shower to you while you're in the hole okay

well i mean i've heard of those that's that every every every institution's different yeah so it's on like wheels right like they wheel it to you yeah and um you only get three showers a week i mean obviously you're in the hole you're not allowed to do anything and i went in there with some dude that i was by myself for the first couple days then they moved me again and then I get into this cell that's withdrawing from coffee withdrawing from yeah coffee from caffeine yeah because he's uh I mean he said he would drink those little instant packs that you get little blue ones I think he said he was going to like three of those a day and he's just laying in bed with the migraines and

shitting himself all the time on the toilet and like it was uh it was horrible during that. I mean, but when he was sleeping, like, I had time to, it was actually kind of peaceful in a weird way. And being so secluded, it's weird what your, what your mind can adapt to so easily. Like, you understand I've done your entire sentence in the shoe. Yeah, really. I did 45 days one time. I mean, I know guys have done six months. Oh, yeah. You know. Yeah. But it's, But it's insane that how what your mind can just, it just makes it okay. Yeah, yeah. No, you can adapt to any, I mean, pretty much anything.

Yeah. And it's, I felt, I felt comfort and solace and being alone all the time. Yeah. Like, I was like, oh, this is nice. And then I started writing. I started doing like, just, just writing my, my life story and like what I've been through. And like, I started having, like, you know, I did it. Maybe I should, you know, make.

um an audio autobiography or something or right right a memoir a memoir yeah um because to me i mean it's to me it's a big story to other people i mean it's it's it's small but like to me it's i went through a lot of shit and uh after i got i was on only in the hole for a week um I got back to my, to the, the, um, classification one. And, uh, there was this, this older dude that I, like, I talked to him here and there and like, I liked to listen to the radio, of course. And he's like, I got an extra radio if you want to use it because I know you're only going to be here for a while.

He's like two more weeks. He's like, you can keep it. And I ended up having a cell to myself. for the remaining three weeks i think that i had there and uh they started the the breakfast lunch and dinner hour and then between those those three hours they would let you out for a half hour so you got i was on 20 hour lockdown instead of 21 and i was walk i was just walking around on the tier and then I had this this uh this this I think he might have been a north side or I'm not sure but he had like a big big tattoo of like you know like the

georgia bulldog or whatever out on his chest and he was and I'm a lover yeah yeah yeah and uh he just he loved to talk and I mean I like to listen so you just we just walk around and he'd bullshit and we talk and then blah blah blah and then the old dude he was doing my laundry for me like he was just because he was a worker in that facility so he was allowed to be out the whole time um yeah a lot of guys will do that just to be able to be out of the cell like yeah it's it's your time goes so much faster if you're working and if you're just laying in in your punk and you're bunk the whole time yeah and i of course was i hated reading before i went in and then i ended up reading you know a bunch of books while i was in there and and and then i would listen

to the radio and I had this the window was probably about this big probably about three feet tall and I'd just sit down there and listen to my music and you can see who's coming in from where I was you could see all the new arrivals and everything and then towards the I think it was my second to the last day the guy that I was walking around with what I would talk to all the time with the big tattoo. I mean, he was pretty, pretty big. Um, scary looking dude, but he was, he was funny. Like, uh, he's like, hey, you got a new celly. I was like, oh, fuck. I was almost like, come on. I almost had it. I almost had myself to myself the rest of the time. And, uh, I walk in there and this, this pudgy little, just white dude never been in, never been in trouble

in his life. He got, uh, got caught in for embezzlement because he worked out of and he got like 48 months or something the first time never seen jail he was petrified he was so fucking scared i walked in there he was like hey um is it okay if like if i put my stuff here because it's a three-man cell there's two bunks right here and then there's a there's a single bed and of course i want the bottom bunk i was like you can you can sleep on that one i don't care you can take the top i don't give a shit and we had a blast with that guy so i what i did no i'd have been like so have they raped you yet so the dude that i that what i was walking around with he's like you want me to fuck with him and i was like dude oh yeah okay let's see let's go ahead so he walks in there

opens the door he's like hey man you owe me my fucking money you got my fucking money i know you fucking stole my money he's like backing up and fall he's like no i swear i swear i didn't do it and he's like i'm just fucking with you man and i was and then i grabbed it grab that dude i was like all right that's enough he's gonna fucking shit himself And I was like, so this is my, I'm getting out tomorrow. I'm going to give you all the, you know, the rules and regulations of what you should and shouldn't do. And he's like all night till like 12, one. He's like, well, what if I, what do I do this?

Or who do I talk to or where can I sit? Or like, I was like, just keep to your own, man. Like, just, you don't want to get in a car. You don't want to fucking do any of that shit. like you don't want you don't want to get involved i can tell by the way you look and what you're doing i i don't think you're it's as soft as gone yeah yeah and uh hard like me baby see not running that fucking place right like you're in the last one oh man so and then um that morning they're getting ready for release so they I think it was like 8 o'clock and it was like a female

CO and she was like so she's like oh Matthew are you ready to go I was like yeah fuck yeah let's get the hell out of here and they get me and and she you're damn right I'm ready to go Boo. Say no more. Yeah. Sorry. And so they give you, I didn't have any clothes. So, of course, you get your gray sweatpants, your white tea and your fake chucks.

And I think I got 120 bucks that they gave me. They gave you $120? Yeah. Motherfuckers. They got to fly me back to Alaska from Oregon. What? Huh? But you said they gave you money, though. Yeah.

They get, yeah, it was their Fair. Not farewell, but it's like, Was anybody, it's gate money. Gate money, I don't get any money. I didn't get any money. I didn't get any money. I got a good luck to you, bro.

That sucks for you, then. My God. Was anybody putting money on your books when you were locked up? Were your parents putting money on your books? No. not so much I mean they did sometimes but they they my mom of course wanted to talk to me and I couldn't because she just she would break down every time she's just I just want you to do better I hope you can make it my dad just he's fine yeah just fucking let the kid do his time

you'll get out and figure it out and then so I get out I'm walking out and I can hear everybody banging on the windows because they can see me walking out and I go to this to the van and he's wearing like prisoner or oranges and I was like are you you're my driver he's like yeah because it's a camp so like I just I had no idea that they would let a prisoner drive me 30 miles away to the airport they put jazz on a bus and let her driver or go to the other like they gave her a fucking voucher her and a bunch of girls they got to go hang out for a couple of days and showed up at the prison when they wanted to. Not really.

I mean, they had a time today to be there. But they hung out. They went on a bus. They, where'd you stop? Atlanta? Atlanta? Tennessee. We stopped in Nashville. They called a show? I'm shoking about the show, but still went a couple bars. Ridiculous.

Wow. I just I didn't have any idea that they would have. You fuckers had a different experience that I had. There was no gate money for me. Yeah. Nobody gave me a bus ticket. I would love to ride the bus. You got fucked. Jesus.

And then before I went in, I was a smoker. So I was like, he's like, do you want me to stop anywhere? I was like, yes, let's go get some fucking cigarettes. And I bought a pack of cigarettes, bought a lighter, took one drag and fucking coughed my ass off. And I was like, okay, well. I'm over that. Oh, yeah. I don't fucking want to smoke cigarettes if I'm not fucked up on opiates.

So that's gone. And then I get to the airport and they had like a, they haven't like a Nike shop in there. And I was wearing my white tea and they gave me the money. And I was like I want to get a black Nike sweatshirt. So I don't look like I just fucking got out of prison. And then I got some Burger King and then got on my flight. Fucking Burger King.

Yeah. And I got on my flight and they told me of course, you need to report to your federal probation officer within 24, 48 hours or something. And I report and they, as soon as I get there, the, my federal PO that she was assigned to when she saw me, because she saw my federal, my inmate card and like I had my head shaved. And she's like, I was honestly, I was really worried about you in there because your picture looks really bad. Like you look like you were having a very hard time. I was like, I mean, I was.

not really. She's like, so are you doing okay? I was like, yeah. What's what? Who did they give you for a PO? My PO fucking was constantly going to throw me back in fucking prison. She needed my guts. They were the, I mean, probably the nicest POs that I've ever dealt with.

You could just go to Alaska, you guys. And then, yeah, I report to her. And she says, well, of course, you need to get a job when you do this, blah, blah, blah. Check in once a month. and I did I had five years five years of federal probation did not fuck up once did did absolutely like the last year she's like our last almost two years she's like you can check in every every four months I think she's like can check in every four months and you don't even have to come in just call just call and check in because I was I was passing all my

piss test I was working I was doing everything right that's all my deaths i had to take a a year worth of of of criminal behavior modification classes with a with a psychiatrist once a week for an hour while i was every twice a month being pissed tested i didn't even have a drug charge geez god they man i'm still off federal probation it's been three years i just got denied i tried to get off early you know they said now they're holding a grudge it's resentment is what it is what it is is that they're they're still they're irritated they're up i'm a six million but it's you know they're holding it against me but anyway i could see why you're a vastly different experience

but yeah so well okay you know this like giving you like hugs and you're okay yeah yeah i they there was only two of them and they were both females so it was like uh it was it was yeah it was it was long hair blue eyes didn't, you know, that, that probably went a long way with them, I'm sure. Yeah, it did. She was pretty attractive, too, anyway. Hope she doesn't see this. So I did that.

I finished it without a hiccup. And that was five years. And then I lasted about one year off being probation. So at that time, you lasted one year? I last, so. What does that mean? Hold on, hold on. I lasted one year after being off probation.

without fucking up again so fucking up mean like I relapsing yep so I relapsed and during those five years I I was working at a very very good business I had a truck a car a place like I had two like two vehicles up my own place and I was doing very very well for myself like I I felt like I was like I did it I like I told myself when I was walking out of, out of Sheridan, like, I'm never going to touch that shit ever again because it ruined my fucking life. Like, I have this stain on my record now, and it's going to haunt me forever. And I was like, I'm going to do everything within my power to try to turn my life around. And I did it for five years. And I thought, like, I thought I had it licked.

I thought, like, you know, I did it. Like, I came out. And, uh, that. That's the funny thing about addicts is like, I mean, you, one change of thought, like, and you're done. And so at that time, like I said, I think it was like six years. I had my own place, and I woke up one morning, and I had my closeted mirrors and next to my bed and I like I swung my legs over and I just I just have this distinct memory of like I looked at myself and I just said I'm not happy like I have everything that I could possibly want materially but I don't have I feel unfulfilled there's there's a hole somewhere and I just I just said

fuck it literally I said fuck it and I was like I'm on a mission to go find whatever I can find and get high because I'm not happy. I just, I want to feel happy. There's something missing. And within that day, of course, I found heroin. And within the first week, I found the needle. And then I started becoming an intravenous heroin user. And then within the second week, I figured out I can mix meth and heroin in the same syringe.

and then put that in my vein. Holy fucking shit. That was a, that's the best feeling I've ever had. And within probably, I would say, a month and a half to two months of me

shooting meth and heroin into every vein that I had in my body, I had no money again. I fucking, my car went to shit. My truck went to shit. I came to the point where I was having to steal steal shit and then

no gas card no more gas card so I had to figure out some other way so I would go to like empty like construction sites and steal all their tools and then pawn them off and do or trade them for for heroin or meth or whatever

and I had I had there was a construction site where we took a bunch of stuff and then there was this this it was like a heater that like when I when it's under construction in Alaska they have these big huge heaters that mean put it under under the like under a tarp and it'll heat the entire place and we didn't have a place to put it and it was me and two other people and we just I put it on the top of his truck with no no straps no nothing and I just went down this we went down the street and hopefully it didn't

roll off and we put all the tools and everything inside my house and I brought a bunch of stuff to one of my dealers I got like three grams three or four grams of heroin and a couple grams of meth for just these tools the guys running a pawn shop pretty much yeah and then some of them i took to the pawn shop as well under my name like i i just didn't give a shit anymore like i don't like i'm gonna get caught eventually so fuck it like let's just do it let's get it over with that's that was my mindset like and and uh within yeah like i said after about two months um i had three or four cops banging on my door with a warrant and they I opened it like I was

still like halfway out of it I woke up on my couch like with I think like a needle still stuck in my fucking arm and open the door and they like grabbed my arm took me out and put them in the car and started searching my house and found all the tools and all this other shit and booked me back into FCC and then they charged me with the mix for which is like in possession of drugs

a burglary two and then a theft two so I ended up pleading out to the theft two and so that's going to be that would be my second felony I was looking at

was a state that This is state now, yeah. And I think that she told me I was looking at three years. I was like, I did, I made $21,000 and I went to the feds and they gave me three months. And I took $3,000 worth of construction stuff and I'm looking at potentially three years. And so what they did is they did two years. one suspended and then four years probation I did so the state prison in Alaska is Goose Creek and that's state and federal prisons I mean they're vastly different

yeah vastly and then so in Alaska you don't have you don't have a bunch of Mexicans or anything running around there's it's it's a lot of whites blacks and natives and that's it. And in Goose Creek, you're allowed to wear whatever you want as long as you have one article of yellow clothing. Like if you can wear your jeans, you can wear the shoes that you came with, you can order your shoes off East Bay or whatever. You can get, you can get all kinds of shit. A yellow T-shirt. Yep. Or you just put on a yellow hat. Anything. But then, I mean, if you get nice shoes, you're going to get jump for your shoes. Like I've seen, I've seen guys getting fucking jump for their shoes all the time it's ridiculous i won't wear nice shoes no and i

didn't and not for long and no and so while i was in that prison so there's if there it's like one long stretch right here and then this is in the middle that's the yard and then right here is like A, B, C, D, E, F pods and come like breakfast time, when they announce it, you have to go from your pod across the, across the yard at 6 o'clock in the morning at 30 below and every, like, you have to sprint to go to go get your breakfast. Like, it's horrible. How much time did you get, though? three years they did two years once you two years one suspended so and then with good time you do

eight months okay i didn't understand that yeah so i was there for for eight months and then still i mean that was that eight months isn't that's not that long you get into your routine you started going to the gym they had a track and then like you i had a little a couple friends that i hung out with i mean it was all the time that i did it was easy i mean i i learned and state like okay in and in goose creek you have a card for your door like it's only your card that opens your door so you have a year of your own cell well you have one celly but you both of you only have the the lock or the the card that unlocks your door right um like hotel room pretty much and then you learn because you have a glass window that's probably about five by five

that you can see into your cell and I learned very quickly you don't want to look into people's cells because you don't want to see shit that you don't want to see right and yeah I learned that real quick um

and then so I ended up getting a cellie that had a TV and that he worked all the time and TV yeah he had a TV in prison yes

dude I'm telling you guys need to go to Alaska I don't wow Yeah, he had a blue jeans, tennis shoes, and TVs. Mm-hmm. Jesus, okay. But it's cold.

It's cold, yeah. I'm not, I don't, I'm not good with the cold. No, no. I mean, either, but I'm not good with the heat either, bro. No. It's just as miserable with here. No, I was trying to change my tire and I was like, I was dripping in sweat. And then Hannah, she was like, you need to stop.

Like, I'll take over from here because it looks like you're about to die. Jess works outside all day. I don't know what she's thinking. No, the first job that I took here was landscaping. Oh, that's ridiculous. And I got heat stroke twice the first week I was here. I don't like walking from the front door to my car. Dude.

I mean, if you walk outside in Alaska and it's 40 below and you walk out, your face just freezes. It's just 40 below. I can't even imagine. It takes your breath away, like, and your face. What 40 away, what 40 below is. I don't, I've never experienced anything like that. I don't recommend it. I, yeah, I wouldn't do it.

But, like, it's, yeah, you walk out and you're, like, your face freezes. And then if you're out there for too long, like, your lips will start to, like, it's just, it's so weird. Because your lips will get stuck and then it gets harder to talk. And it's, yeah, it's not fun. But then comparatively to walking out here and now, like, I'm instantly. sweating yeah it sucks anyways stay prison state prison um your key uh he uh he worked a lot he i think he was in the kitchen so he'd go for for two hours at breakfast two hours at lunch two hours at dinner and so i'd sit there and i'd watch um ridiculousness i'd sit there and watch

the reruns of ridiculousness every single day and then i would go they had a gym um they didn't have any free weights so it was all cables and pull up bars and dip bars and and there's no fucking nautilus equipment in federal prison there's no free weights there's nothing none of that stuff no there's no there's no there's no there's no like equipment no no i yeah i camps because yeah i saw i saw the the entire like layout of the gym when I was coming into

Sheridan on the bus and I saw it there was like free weights a bench everything so unfair you you're you're you're burglarizing places

she's running a fucking meth ring I filled out some paperwork I was in there with guys I was in there with a serial killers and shit I used to have I used to have

I used to have lunch with a guy that killed like 11 people yeah I mean but I'm sure he was a really nice guy he was well yeah it's nice to me yeah he was old now he's pretty much feeble and and not able to kill me but I'm sure he would have there were times he wanted to kill me I saw it in his face yeah you get so yeah anyway I met I met a lot of really nice murderers no yeah no well they and they have a low recidivism rate too

one of the road lowest like like they almost get out almost never do it again yeah I mean almost I sometimes depends on yeah but the uh yeah like I said um watch tv go to the gym i would uh at the last month i would say that i was there um i got they pulled me over to it's like the uh the booking booking side and there had me signed paperwork they were going to send me to a halfway house in anchorage and uh i go to the halfway house in anchorage and i end up getting on the utility maintenance crew. So the maintenance crew has the top level of the halfway house, which is like the pent suite, the penthouse suite,

because it has a big screen TV, it has a couch, and then you have three different rooms and you get your own room. And the guy... I had nine guys in the half. I was the only white guy with eight black guys. I was the only white guy in the half. halfway house in my room. There were nine people in a room. I bet that was uncomfortable.

It was, it was uncomfortable. I used to, listen, I, and the cops, when they would come around to count, they would be like, Cox, you okay? You okay? I'd be like, we need some, we need some, uh, diversity in here. You know what I was that? And, you know, but there's never any diversity. It's kind of dark in here.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Um, then, uh, so I go to the halfway house and, and then I realized that they have a lot of suboxone in there. and I'm clear you've got a problem dude yeah you think and my god and so they then I found a guy that had meth and they have Suboxone and I have two or three weeks left at this halfway house and they call me down for UA those fuckers yeah why would they do that yeah don't they know God I just I have a problem I just didn't I accepted the fact that I was going to be just like this career like criminal just oh just a repeat offender that's that's what I accepted my life as being like

I'm just you know I have no worth anymore I have I have no umf no no desire to I just I feel like I fucked everything up I how old were you during state when the halfway house when I was now halfway house I was so this was in 2016 17 18 uh so I was 20s 17 18 uh so I was 20 oh yeah 27 it's too late to turn your life around at 7 27 you might as well just kill yourself yeah what is going on anyway Jesus I mean try starting over at 50 I spit on that yeah you almost got me Jesus um I mean yeah I that's I mean it just you give a uh a feeling of being just so defeated it's just oh my God okay go ahead shut up you're 27

he's like 27 5 foot 10 blonde hair blue eyes good looking I mean oh my god my life is over obviously I have some confidence problems I'm okay

I hear you I hear you and I know I know you man fuck all you guys that's how I feel yeah

Yeah, so it's, it's, it's a, it's, it's never, you know, it's, yeah, either as she, so it's hard for people that aren't addicts to understand, like, there was, okay, there's just, there's just, there's one, I have, I have, I have, I have, I have, I have things I deal with. I mean, I'm not, I do. Like, it's hard to look like this. It's hard. Like, life's not easy. You look like this. Like, you know, people, people, people constantly, women call you all the time. It's, you know, people want to just give you money. People just, you know, I mean. it's hard to look away from mirrors i have issues yeah i have an addiction sorry go ahead i hear there was there was one story that uh so so not how you thought this was going to go i but i love this is funny this is fun um there there was uh she she asked me she was like so why didn't you like like when he would get your drugs why don't you just wait till you get home she is the girlfriend that And I'm telling this too. Yeah, yeah.

Okay. Well, because these guys don't know that there's a girl. There's a girlfriend over here that looks like she just got off a, got off a boat from Norway. Yeah. Blonde hair, blue-eyed, fair skin, very pretty, tall, whole thing. She's a yeah, Viking. Viking, yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. So I, she asked me that. She's like, why don't you just wait until you get home until you did your drugs? And like, to somebody that's not an addict, like, yeah, that makes sense. Yeah. But to an addict, you're like, once you get your drugs, you fucking want it now. You're going to do, I'm going to pull over and I'm going to put it in my fucking jugular vein. Like, that's, this is how I was wired.

That's how I am. No, that's how, that's how, you know, all of them are like that. Yeah. And it's like they're like, pick up the drugs at the, at the drug dealer's house and can't make it the, the four miles to get home. No, fuck no. I'm doing it right there. Then, yeah, it's, uh, okay. Anyways, that was, that was that one.

That was, yeah. Yeah. So halfway house. Failed the UA. Failed the UA. Failed the UA. And I was like, so when am I going to go back? She's like, honestly, I don't know, probably another week before we can get you process.

And I was like, oh, that's cool because by then I'll have two days left. Yeah. So. That'll be the plane flight there and back. Yeah. So they, it was literally like six days later. They're like, okay, yeah, you need to go back since you failed your UA. So I go to Anchorage.

Are you serious for two days? So stupid. I go to. Anchorage jail for two days. And so I thought that I was going to get like a, I thought they were going to give me, shit, what's it called? Just like a write-up, like where they could take away your good time.

Right. So I managed to, they were going to give me a write-up for failing the UA while I was at the UA or at the halfway house. But they suspended a, you said they suspended a year or something like that? It was two years, yeah, two years one suspended. So can't they now? Hungry now. Now?

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I'll give you that, or that's if you commit another crime, not a failure of a UA. No, no, they could take away my good time, though. Okay. So which I accrued good, I had never got in trouble. So they could have been like, oh, well, I'm going to give you another seven days. But I beat the paperwork out the door, so to speak. So, like, they were getting ready to process and be like, hey, you know, you got in trouble

for getting failing your UA but I beat it out the door so I walk out of Anchorage jail and I get a plane ticket and then I get back to Fairbanks and no gate money

no game money this time no nothing and I didn't have I didn't have anywhere to go I mean at that point I had really had no contact with anybody mom and dad no done No, they didn't. They didn't trust me. I mean, obviously with all this shit. So I walked to from the airport. There's a friend of mine, Luke, that lived pretty close there. And I mean, I just walked up and he was like, well, you just got out of jail, didn't you? I was like, yeah. And I don't have anything. I don't have the clothes on my back and that's it. I was like, can I like try to reestablishable? something here, can I stay with you? He's like, yeah, it shouldn't be a problem. And still,

after still going through all this shit, I still wasn't ready. I still didn't come to the realization that drugs are fucking up my life and that I had a problem. So I'm on four years of probation now from my second felony. state probation and now in the story or now in the story oh yeah I've been I've been off state and federal probation for a few for a few years now and I'm staying with him and I get a car from somebody and then I met somebody in jail that got out at the same time around the same time I did and I saw him and he looked like shit and obviously he was on drugs and I asked him where he can get it obviously and I just it's totally um

absolutely insane to to think that like I can continue to do what I was doing and make something of myself like I'm fucking just hurting myself so like I called my mom mom and she met me in town. It was after I got out of state prison. And she was crying. She was happy to see me and everything. She's like, you know, I wish I could take you home, but we just, we can't. We can't right now. You need to, you just, you need to figure it out. And it took after, so the way that Alaska's probation is, you get your first PTR petition to revoke probation you get three days your second is five days

your third is 10 days after you get your fourth you can get up to the rest of your time so after my first two weeks of being out I already had my first PTR for failed UA and then

second one I was like out of area or something I wasn't where I was supposed to be right um the third one uh I was I was where was I was walking down I think it might have been university or airport road and it was still like probably 20 30 below And I had found a truck that I was, I had keys. I had a lot of keys that I acquired through. You found a truck. I found, well, I was keeping an eye on a truck on this, in this parking lot that, that I may or may not have been able to steal and that my idea was is that I'm going to take this

and I'm going to take to my dealer and the pawn shop. Yeah. Pawn the truck. On the truck. Yeah. and a UAF, it's a university of Fairbanks police, they stop, put their light on me, and they're like, are you the lawn? And I was like, what are you infamous? No.

Like, my PO, dude, she, bless her heart, she, she really wanted the, she was really trying to help me, and I just didn't want the fucking help. I didn't I was a fucking maniac in my own head and I didn't I didn't want anybody's help I was committed to just fucking getting high fuck everybody else my life's not worth living like we were joking about earlier but that's how I felt um so this is my third probation violation so I'm about to if I get one more I'm gonna get the rest of my time I'm not trying to do another fucking year like I'm like I'm like I'm I'm done with this shit. And, uh, are you?

I'm, yeah. You know, it doesn't sound like you are. I mean, it sounds like you want to go back. Yeah, okay. I hear you. And, uh, so they pick me up and I'm on doing my 10 days. And then on my ninth day, I call. Are you still staying with your buddy?

Yeah. Like he's still, you keep going to jail coming back, sleeping on the couch? Yeah. Fuck that. I'd be like, bro. Done. your shit I know

it's in bags yeah he but unfortunately I mean he's been through a lot of the same shit that I was and like he

he helped but I mean also in the same sense he was also enabling me of course right and on my ninth day I had this old

fucking native dude he had a revolver tattoos on each arm and then he had like his feather

tattoos like up here and he had really long gray black hair like really like hardcore what you would if you think of a native that's what he look like super skinny and I was I was talking to him and he he said that he knew my dad and he's like your dad you know he kind of he saved my life I was like what do you mean he's like he saved my life by by showing me that there's there's more to life than you know just drinking or drugging your life away and uh he's like what would it take what's it going to take for you or what are you willing to do to to get clean and i was like at this point anything anything i will do anything and he's like okay well remember that remember you're

willing to do anything to get clean and so i call um i can call my counselor to go to go upstairs so i can their phone because it's my ninth night night they about to get out and they need to know where where are you staying yeah where you go yeah what's your address when you get out what are you going to do and i told her i was like i don't i don't have anywhere she's like well you got to have something so i call my dad and uh i was like dad um i i'm at the point in my life where if i get out of here i'm i'm going to overdose i'm going to die uh i'm either going to die by overdose or I'm just I'm going to do something else stupid and I'm going to end up just doing the rest of my I'm going to do more time and I'm going to continue down this path that I feel like

I do not want to do anymore. I want to change and I need your help and he goes I was kind of I was expecting that call I was expecting for you to call and I was talking to mom about it and he's like what time what time you're getting out tomorrow was like 8 p.m. he was like all right well I'll be there I was like okay um I appreciate it like thank you um so I get out and he's sitting there waiting and he's stoic that was the word that I was trying to find a long time ago very stoic and uh he's he's he's hard to read um because he's he's very just he's mellow like it's easy to talk to but that whole ride there it was very quiet and he's like you know and it was towards like when we were getting home he's like you know there's going to be a lot of rules and there's going to be

a lot of things that you're going to have to do to show and prove us that you're willing to do anything to get and stay clean you know so that's that's what I did I got plugged into a support network and people like-minded people that have the same problems and and or? I just a 12-step kind of deal. And I got to realize and see that like I had an old friend from like high school at the time. He had like five years clean. And then some other dude that I used to get high with, he had like three years clean. And then another dude that I used to get high with, he had like three years clean. And then another old buddy of mine had. had seven or eight years and I was they're like on there they're they have houses and they have like wives now like I feel like I'm so behind on life after doing all this shit like they're they're so far ahead of me and I'm I'm comparing what I'm doing is I'm comparing their outsides to my insides what I'm doing like I'm just seeing all this stuff that they have that they have

quired and getting down on myself but I uh I got to plugged in and I did I went to these support meetings and stuff for every single day for there's they recommend doing like a 90 and 90 but I think I did probably 140 or something every single day and then I just kept going and eventually like built trust obviously back into my parents and I after going to those and like really kind of digging deep into myself and realizing my fucked up thinking

and thinking that I'm so, so unique and so different than everybody else I really wasn't and that I just, I have a fucking problem that I'm going to deal with for the rest of my life. I just need to learn to keep it at bay. And so that, was that's over three and a half years ago now so i've been without any substance for over three years coming up on four years on december second yeah you moved to florida i moved to we moved to

florida a year and a half ago um never never moved anywhere else never been anywhere else we were both born raised in north pole fairbanks alaska and uh at first like we mostly her wanted to go to Florida and she was looking at Tallahassee and I was like we talked to a few people and they're like that's just a big college town you don't want to go there and then but we knew that going further south that's going to be more expensive and at the time I mean we didn't have a lot of money but we just we had enough to get the fuck out and I was like well why don't we try you know Jacksonville and then we got there and realize that it's

I mean not what it's all I mean it's kind of the hood it's kind of hood up there so now we're planning our next escape yeah but it was I was been on probation since I was pretty much 18 years old I wasn't allowed to leave the fucking state right I'm a lot

now I'm 33 and I want to you know figure out like I want to I want to travel I want to see what there is out there I want to experience life because I'm a little late now because I fucked up between all my 20s and everything and that's where we're at now

that's what I'm trying to do is I'm trying to figure out like where I fit where I sink in and I ended up getting my first first year sober it's called a forensic peer specialist it's helping people that are incarcerated find other opportunities get their insurance like food stamps

and try to help them out because they've never done that shit before. And then I got my CDC one, chemical dependency counselor, level one. And that was my main, that's what I wanted to do when we came here. And I had like seven or eight interviews with rehabs. And as soon, like, right after the, they're like, I want you. We want you, yes. And they were like, how's your record? And I told them what's on there?

know how long ago and they're like oh that shouldn't be an issue I mean I'm not a violent but I don't have violent crimes no that shit and yeah it's one of a few careers where it's an attribute yeah like I mean they want people with lived experience yeah trust me I've lived it like I know what it feels like and then they'd be like well you have to be off probation for longer than this or blah blah yeah oh really yeah so he can't work in the field until this upcoming Yeah. So I mean, so what are you doing now? Right now? I mean, I work at a performance shop, engine shop. I'm kind of, I mean, what my boss calls me is the conductor. I mean, I'm just the service writer, the conductor, the manager. I mean, I just, I make sure that everything on, we have a machine shop side, then we have a mechanic side. And then so we have an engine builder and then people that do all the machinists on the head. And then I make sure that everything on, we have a machine shop side. And then I, and then I, one of the machinists actually just a few days ago he's like hey we want to show you how to build this

and I was like yeah sure so we do a lot of performance stuff and and then we do the mechanic just basic fucking year breaks your oil change whatever the fuck um but that's that that's just what I'm doing now like that's that's just what's keeping me afloat it's uh I mean it's that's not what my heart desires right I don't think um I mean I enjoy it uh but it's not that's not my calling right like i i have i have a calling for something and i still have yet to figure it out um there it is yeah stay at home dad but you won't let me have kids with you yet so well stop taking your birth control so right now of basically we're wrapping up anyway you're you're you're you're living in florida um you're you're you know you're you know you're you're

you're waiting out the time for you to reapply and be a, I'm going to say, drug treatment specialist. What do you call it? A chemical dependency counselor. Yeah, that sounds better than lunch lady. It sounds like what is it like what they call them? Nutritional specialist, isn't it? All right, so that's a good one. That's good.

What is it called? Chemical dependency counselor. Wow. That sounds important. Doesn't it? Um, stop. Come on.

Just playing. Jesus. Um, bro, it's, it's difficult. It is. These fucking chicks,

you know. Yeah. They're, they're a pain, really. Yes. You know. Um, so,

yeah. Yeah. So, okay. So, you're, you're doing okay. Right?

You're doing good. Yeah, I've been doing the clean thing. And, I mean, I don't have the want to dive into that world anymore. It's just, I mean, I don't want to say I've grown out of it or something. It's something that you've got to take day by day. I mean, I just want to be better than I was the person that I was yesterday. Like, I'm slowly, you know, slowly but surely, you know, I'm. trying to get my life back on track, I'm pretty sure that I've done, I mean, I'm worlds apart

from where I was. When I tell people, like the shit that I've been through that I used to shoot up meth and hair up into my jugular and fucking all this stuff, they're like, I can never see you doing that. Right. There's no way. Like you didn't do it. I was like, yeah, I mean, I got track marks approved.

Well, not anymore, but I just, I mean, it's a Jekyll and Hyde kind of thing. Like, it's nobody, when I get, when I was doing on drugs and stuff, and like, I mean, it's, I was a horrible person, horrible. And I have no, um, no want to, to ever be that way again. It's, uh, terrible, really. I just, I gotcha. I got to take it day by day. And I don't want to, I don't want to be like that. I'm trying to create something with somebody that I love.

And she's back in Jacksonville. Oh, oh, yeah. I'm sorry. Okay. Go ahead. Yeah. And that's, I mean, like 33. I mean, you figure I feel like I should be getting my shit together and getting life started.

And that's, you know, that's kind of my goal is I don't want to be in Jacksonville anymore. that's for sure um i want to get back over to maybe like the northwest somewhere uh where they can have four seasons and you don't walk outside and instantly start sweating um yeah somewhere up there not back to alaska though i don't yeah i can't do that shit i lived in tennessee for about a year and a half it's nice is it you get snow in tennessee yeah oh yeah not well not much you know they don't get much yeah and maybe only for a month or so month or two But yeah, but it's nice. Yeah, I had a snow plowing company while I was in Alaska and I mean shit. I raked in a lot of money doing that a lot like all you got to do is have a plow in a truck. That's it and do commercial and

And residential driveways. I think there's enough snow. No. No, no. No, that's why I want to go like further further northwest like Montana or Utah. Colorado was kind of expensive but listen there's drug addicts everywhere yeah there is that's why i got to stay away from them or you thought you're supposed to be a counselor yeah that's what i say or help them yeah if i if if i ever find a place that's willing to i mean i don't think that's that's going to be an issue i think it's getting off probation i've been on probation oh i mean sorry that the the length of time yeah what was it four years it's it was six or seven years it was six or seven years years yeah and I'm coming up on coming up on seven yeah so I just I just need to get plugging along and I just you know keep the drive and everybody that I that I

talked to that I did the interview with too that's that then when they said that they wanted me they're like just don't just because you have more one more year to wait don't let that fucking fade like you have it in you like you that you have you have the want to help people and we can it and we want that kind of person. We want the person with lived experience that's been through it. Because nobody wants to talk to somebody that's not an addict or hasn't had a drug problem. Yeah. And book read and diagnose them with something or you can't relate to somebody that way.

All right. I appreciate you guys watching. Do me a favor if you like the videos. Hit the like button. Subscribe to the channel. Hit the bell so you get notified of videos just like this. And leave me a comment. I respond to, honestly, the last, probably. the last probably a month or so i've really not responded to maybe half the comments you know um but

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