Matthew Cox | Inside True Crime Podcast - Former Gas Card Scammer Reveals How He Made Thousands

Episode Date: February 9, 2026

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How do the most successful women do it? We ask them on how she does it with Karen Feinerman. You'll get insights from leaders like today's Jenna Bush Hager. There's a lot I say no to. And I think it's a really important word for women to use. Rachel Weber of Paris Hilton's 1111 media. I'm going to be a much better leader. I'm going to bring more creativity if I have other things filling my life.

And more. That's how she does it with me, Karen Feinerman. wherever you get your podcasts. I'd make $6,700 on my lunch break in 30 minutes. I had taxis and semis that would call me four or five times a week. There's over five or 600 transactions. Every single one of those is a felony. When I've stolen a bunch of money from the bank, I'm pretty generous with their money too.

Yeah. Maybe a month into it. My co-defendant told me that he's getting ready to leave the state because he's got another job from this construction company that he's moving to like a different state or whatever. And he has a gas car that he's been using to obviously fill up the fleet for the construction company, all the trucks. And then he's, and he's like, I've been using it for my personal vehicle. And then he's like, so I get free gas. And then I've been filling up, you know, my brothers, I've been filling up this person.

I'm doing this. Yeah, because they have a ton of vehicles that have to be tough. Yeah. So they're not going to notice a slight fluctuation of a few hundred here. No, a few hundred there. No, because they haven't an entire fleet. And so he didn't ready to take off. And he's like, you know, you can have this if you want.

I was like, well, yeah, I'll get free gas because then I can save money for my drugs. But he's like, you know, you could, you know, you can make money off of it. And I was like, well, what do you mean? He's like, you know, I charge people, just blah, I don't know until I'll take 20 bucks off or just like for my friends. And I was like, just that idea, just the idea that he planted. Like I just took off with it, totally took off with it. I ended up.

So I would sit. I would sit at any gas station. So in Alaska, there's Tesoro's. That's what the gas gas stations are. And I would sit there. I'd wait in my car and I'd go up to anybody. I mean, usually it's like little old ladies or whoever. And I had like a sales pitch for this gas card.

So I'd go out to them and be like, oh, ma'am, I have a gas card from the state. And I have to use a specified amount of gallons. And if I don't, they're not going to reimburse me these gallons. just I just totally made that up the first time that I went up to this lady and I asked and I was like I'll I'll fill up your vehicle and I'll take 20 bucks off like if it's $80 just give me $60 cash and she's like oh yeah oh yeah of course because she thinks she's like helping me out right and I mean I didn't necessarily look like I was strung out on drugs or anything and in Alaska I mean you you know and people are up like the it's it's not hard to miss right And so I kept that little sales pitch and I would go up like, shit. I'd go from one person, like just right there. And then on the other side, I'd give them the same sales pitch. And they'd be like, yeah, for sure, yeah, whatever.

Like, however much it is, like, I just take 20 bucks off or I'll do this. How much cash do you have right now? I'll fill it up. Just give me all your cash. And they're like, oh, all right, yeah, for sure. And then I'm still working full time. And then on my lunch breaks, I would go do this. And so just in the span of like at a lunch break and talking to three or four people with that little sales pitch, I'd make $6,700 on my lunch break in 30 minutes.

Right. And then on the weekends, you know, that's pretty much where I spent most of my time. And then all, of course, all this money. And Alaska, got up to one pill was $2 to $300 for one pill. For an 80.

For an 80. So, yes. What is that a millier? I'm like, that's like 10, 15 bucks a milligram? Yes. Yes.

So it was outrageously priced. And even me making $800 a day, I could get maybe two or three pills. Right. And my, I mean, my tolerance is already going through the roof. So that's enough to keep me well.

Right. And so I'd wake up and just, I don't have any energy. I'm sick. So I'd like, then when you're sick and withdrawing and I go up to these gas stations and like, I'm just like, I just need, you know, like, I'm fumbling over my words and shit. And still, it still worked. Yeah. You give people a reason to do it. Even if they think, ah, something's up.

But if, let's face it, if I get a, if I got, if I get 15 gallons of gas, you know, they, you know, they. fills up my tank. Like, I don't have to give them the money until after. So, yeah, sure. Let's see what happens here, bro. Right. The card works. It fills it up.

Cool. Yeah. Like, you know, if the cop showed up, I'd be like, whoa, whoa, whoa, he told me this and that. I didn't know. They're totally unsuspected. They have, they have no idea. They're not. I mean, even if they had an idea, at least you gave him an excuse.

No, you don't understand. This is what he said. Golly, G. Are you saying the card was stolen off, sir? Yeah. At least. Yeah. To me, I would immediately.

Well, yeah. Of course, other people be like, yeah, this seems pretty fishy. Yeah. But the way that I said it and then, I mean, of course, like I said, probably the way that I looked probably helped a little bit better too. Right. And so it got to the point where I would have, like I was a gas dealer pretty much. I would, I had taxis and semis.

So semis. I was thinking I would have gone straight straight to a truck stop. Yeah. Because those guys are spending $1,000. Exactly. And that's what I ended up doing. And so they would, I had taxis and semis that would call me probably, you know, four or five times a week. Their semi is like $5,600.

Wow. And semis, they have to pay for their own gas. And I was like, dude, I'll take $200 off of that, even if it's seven or eight. And he's like, no doubt. Right. There you go, man. And that went on for. So you can be pretty generous when it's somebody else's money.

I'm always when I have when I've stolen a bunch of money from the bank I'm pretty generous with their money too yeah it's easy it makes you feel good yeah it makes you feel like you know I'm doing the right yeah I'm doing you I'm doing you a great favor while while committing a felony I'm a good person yeah I'm gonna get you a break $200 off no no no no I'm feeling a little generous today right right with my employer's money sorry so okay it's not even your employer no okay no I don't even know who this construction company is. And so then about, let's say, 40 to 45 days later of me doing this, I'm back in the shop at the small engine repair shop that I was working at. And my boss comes back and I'm like, sharpen a chain. And he's like, Matt, there's a detective up front to see you. And I was like, oh.

Like, and I was like, me? Yeah. And... No. Go back and make sure he's got the right guy. Yeah. And so when I walk through and I see him, he's in a suit, and he's like, he's got his badge on his hip and everything.

He was very cordial. And he goes, hey, I'm here to see you about, you know, he's like, you know. I was like, you need some gas. That's what I think. I'll meet you down. I'll meet you at the Circle G. Yeah. Since you're a cop, I'll give you.

50% off. 50% and so he's like I'm sure you know and I tried to play stupid I was like no what do you mean what do you what do you hear for golly yeah and then he's like I figured you would say that and it goes like get grabbed his briefcase plot it's like this thick big manila folder at your work is your boss there are you in like a back room I'm in the front counter and your boss is sitting there going well boy you look like you're in trouble I don't know what you've been up to. They were hanging out behind and I know that they were like they I mean they had to know. Like I mean.

Did you ever fill their tanks up? No. That's good. As soon as he said gas they both turn around a bolt. Yeah. No, they didn't know. They were unsuspecting. And so like the counter the way it is like there's the front counter and then you can

go over to the side where it's like a little bit more personal. So we go over there and that's when he plops it out and opens it up and he's like, all right. So this is you, obviously, my face blown up in a picture, flips it open. He's like, here is you getting out of your car filling up this person. Here is you getting out of your car, inserting the card filling up this person. So it's just over and over and over. Are you ready to elevate your wallet game? Meet the extra wallet.

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Yeah. You know a good job. And he does look a lot like me. Yeah. I'm going to help you find this guy. Nobody's more upset about this than me. Yeah. I didn't eat theft.

That's what I'm thinking. Yeah. No shit. See, you got to be faster, bro. I know. I know. I just took it. I was like, dude, yeah, you got me.

Like, there's no denying it. And so I was like, okay. So what is that? He's like every time he swiped, it's a felony. So what do you mean? I have 500 felonies against me right now. And he's like, well, I mean, due to the sheer amount that you made within 45 days, which ended up being $21,000, he's like, I just want to let you know that the FBI is going to be picking this up

because this is no longer a state investigation. Oh, yeah, I thought this guy was the FBI. No. He was a detective. He was just a detective. And he was letting me know, like, we got you. Back your bags. Yeah, we're still doing like our investigation and everything.

I'm not here to arrest you, but I just, I want to let you know that the FBI is going to be picking this up. And so I was like, what do you think? How much time do you think I'm looking at? I didn't, I was like, I was just pale. I was a ghost. I keep hitting this thing. God damn it. Sorry. And like I was just, you know, pale, sweating. And after that encounter, he's like, obviously I'm, I'm going to answer. Now I've got to go through detox. Yeah. I've got to go to jail. I got to go through detox. I'm already stopped. right now. But so well, so he said I'm not here to arrest you. So he's like, but obviously, you know, I'm going to need that card. Yeah. I was like, here you go. You can take that. And he's

like, I'm not here to rest you. We're still doing our investigation. And so you're going to have to go check in with a pretrial federal probation officer. So I have to go to the federal building. And so I go and meet my, my federal PO. And she's like, so you're on, you're on pretrial. Okay, well, so you, so you went from, I mean, immediately went from the, this guy just asking you questions, he just told you go downtown. Like you didn't, was there a, did they give you a, they gave you a public defender or anything? No, he said that, show up and sign in. I think he gave me like, like a 72 hours or something to train yourself in. To check in, to check in with the, with the pretrial.

Because he said that the investigation is still going and we're not going to arrest you yet. like so nice they go to Alaska like they came in they're like nice to you like they were you got 72 hours you know I'm sorry what you're going through buddy you made some bad decision like yeah yeah I didn't have never talk to that guy you didn't never I mean looking back on it I mean it was probably yeah the easiest way to ever get in trouble yeah and so I go and see my my federal PO and then so we start start pre-trial and obviously I'm still doing drugs and I'm doing I at the time probably yes yes oh yeah that's not good yeah so she's she's like I'm gonna I'm gonna give you you ways and I failed the first time of course surprise surprise what what what does that stand for enough and you so you

fail well if you failed like did they well they don't they can't revoke your probation you don't when you're on pretrial. You just signed it. You didn't, you just, okay. Yeah. Because, you know, like if you were on probation, then you're a pretrial. If you've, you're on pretrial, then they could lock you up for that, right? Can't they lock you up?

No, they won't really lock you up anyway. You haven't been charged. You haven't been sentenced. You haven't been sentenced to anything. I don't know. Yeah, you're okay. So. Why even give you a piss test?

I don't know. They were, they were trying to clean me up before, before I went in or something. I don't know. They were trying to give me some rehabilitation in some way. Right. And I'm going to get you healthy before they knock your head off. Exactly. No, it's nice.

It's a right thing to do. Yeah. So I fail it. And she's like, well, obviously you have opiates in your system. I'm going to, so you got to next week, I'm going to try to get you to go to like an inpatient program or do something. Because like if you keep doing this, we will put you in. We're going to take you in so you're no longer on pretrial. while you're under investigation.

Can I answer a question? What does your parents say? Like, have you told you, you go straight home and say, Dad? Oh, yeah. Oh, okay. Yeah, so I told them, I laid it all out because they knew I was up to something.

Yeah, obviously. Like, I was up to something, and they knew, like, I mean, I'm sitting at dinner and doing the nodding out or watching TV. So sleepy. I'm working so hard. Yeah.

Yeah, I've been working 12-hour days. All this gas and stuff. man, people wearing me out wanting gas all the time. And so I tell him, I was like, yeah, so caught game and pretty much caught me. And my dad, he was like, yeah, I figured you were up to something. So, I mean, what are you going to do? And I was like, well, I don't know. What do I do?

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You need to do something before to try to show the judge that you're trying to trying to change and try to make a difference and that you're you know they feel some remorse for what you've done for charging this company you know over $20,000 and 40 days like you put it's got which probably ended up having to pay at the most 50 bucks that once they called their probate once they called the once they called the gas company and said this is or the credit card comes a fraudulent charge someone's been caught then they they write that off immediately and the most they can charge them under the um electronic transfer act is like 50 bucks and they don't even charge them that so they have to reimburse them within like 24 hours so you didn't really cost them

anything they did have to make some phone calls i'm sure oh yeah which was agonizing i'm sure i'm sure yeah and then oh so after yeah that was that was that was that so your dad was saying sorry yeah he he i mean he did he knew i was up to something and my mom is she's she's she's very sensitive and she was crying and i know i know that like i broke her heart And but my dad, he's, he's not hard to read. He's just a very, what's the word? What is it? Yeah, he's mellow.

Very mellow. I've never seen him angry at all. But shit. Got where I was. So he was telling your mom was upset and your dad was kind of like, look, you got to get clean. Yeah. You got to get your shit straight, trying to tell him to show the judges you're changing. Yeah.

And then. So I go through, I mean, I'm trying, I'm trying to stop and I'm getting sick. I don't have resource. There's no resources. Right. In Fairbanks. We have one rehab. That's it.

Like, if I came to Florida, there's rehabs everywhere. I mean, Jesus Christ. But there's only one in Fairbanks. And there was limited bed space. Can't get in there for months. So, so like, they expect you to, like, I have to keep up my habit for two months until I can get in there. Is that what you're saying? I like that.

That's the drug dealer of Manetale. So what you're saying is I have to keep my hat. I keep this going for two months. Yeah, until you can. And you definitely don't want to go to prison. I mean, you don't want to get pulled into the holding cell and detox in the holding cell. But inevitably, that's what happened because I could no longer afford in Fairbanks at the time because then they were becoming so rare that they stopped making them and they transferred. They started making the OPs.

and I can't smoke those. Right. Like, I want the instant high. I want to smoke them. And so it comes along way cheaper. You can get it for 40, 50 bucks. For a point, 0.1, or you can get like a half a gram for 100 bucks. And it's way stronger.

Or, I mean, sometimes, depending on where you got it. And it was like the black tar kind. And so I started to switch to that. because it was cheaper and the small engine shop still kept me employed thankfully. Nice. I still worked there. And then towards the end of, so I got to talk to my, the public defender, federal public defender and she wasn't very nice.

She just kind of laid it out on me and told me about the point system and everything. And she's like, they'll take your childhood. I mean your petty theft DUI like I had a theft for under $4 like that's a point and then I had this criminal history they'll keep every single little thing they'll bump up your criminal history yeah every single time you've ever been in trouble so yeah you can have been arrested once for a DUI you could have been arrested two years later for for you know shoplifting you know and then and now when you get to sentencing you're at a criminal history level of three Right.

So it's like, so you're already now, you're already instead of having like being at like a level six, you're like a level 13 and at a level eight you're going to prison. Right. So you're already done. Yep. You know, no matter what. Uh-huh. So and then after meeting. I was just clarifying that so that people understand.

Yeah. Yeah. So even though all those charges are ridiculously stupid charges, it doesn't matter. Every one of those is going to count for more and more months in prison. Speeding tickets even. Right. Yeah. Any kind of, yeah.

It's ridiculous. But so she tells me about that and tells me I think I had I think it was around 16 points or something And at the time I was on State probation so I had an SIS suspended in position of sentence that was called I believe For a forgery that I did and so as long as I didn't get in trouble for two years What was the for three hundred dollars or something I mean I was I was withdrawing I was I was I just found a check and $300 and I went to the bank that it was and they're like oh yeah hold on just a sec yeah hold on one more second and waiting for the sheriff yeah for the deputies oh wait they're here

yeah that's exactly what happened they're like well one one one more minute and I'm sitting in the drive-through and then cops come around on both sides and then I mean I was like that I was being an addict you're willing to do anything at any cost like I had I had no regard for anybody's feelings or I didn't I just didn't care like I just and your your risk versus reward is is you know vastly skewed because you're like you're willing to risk anything to get to stay high because you're in such pain yeah I mean you get to the point where you're you just don't want to be sick that's right it's just the worst feeling it's funny to how all the got how like especially the opiate guys to always describe it as being just like being sick it's like it's

You know, it's, it's like their bones ache. Like, it's a different, like, compared, like, other people that go, that I've talked to that go through withdrawals. Like, they always describe it as being, like, violent and, like, ill, your whole body's aching. Your bones hurt. Yeah. I was heard, I've always heard that, like, bro, like, literally your bones ache. Yeah. You go, you, like, alligator roll all night.

And, like, there was a point where, like, I had a cell that was right across in the shower. So, like, I'd be, well, freezing kind of hot flashes. and bones hurt and so I'd run into the shower and I'd sit in there for 15 seconds and then run across to my cell and so get under the blanket so I could just finally sleep for maybe 30 seconds because you can't sleep either. But that's another. The forgery. So the forgery, you did the forgery, you're on state probation for that already.

And you're on federal probation and you're trying to get into a drug rehab. Yeah, I'm trying to. Right. It never happened. No. Well, you keep. fail in the UA's. Yeah.

And so. They're really very unfair to criminals. Yeah. Yeah. And so it just leads up to, I think it was another six, maybe not even that long, four or five months later, they get up to like the pretrial. And then the, the, some court dates, like there's a, there's a court date before you're sentencing.

It's like the, you accept, you accept an acceptance. Your plea. Yeah. You go and you say, yeah, I'm guilty. Yeah. Guilty plea. And so I, the guilty plea is actually when they arrested me on the spot. But I had a few court dates before that just like I fuck. These like like an arraignment like you ran. You went in your process. They took your fingerprints. They took a picture of you. Yeah. Right. That whole thing. So you were being arraigned. They let you out immediately on what on O.R bond like you didn't put up any money. Right. They just know. Okay. No. Yeah. I was never. I was never. I was never. I was. never incarcerated until the date of my sentencing. Yeah. And so on that, on that date, I have right here, 221.11s when I was, when I was sentenced. And I go in there and my co-defendant, he's already, he's already been sentenced. He's never had anything on his record. So he gets probation because, I mean, obviously through when I was talking to the investigator,

He was like, I just want to know when you came into possession of this card. And I was like, whenever you see it spike, like, whenever you see it's being swiped every day, that's, that's me. Right. So, like, they calculated the differences and everything. And they know it's his card. Yeah. Then he took a plea? Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. And he just got probation. Yeah. That was it. And so come to mine, I had written out like a little letter just to, you know, just to, you know, kind of level with him, be like, you know, I'm not an awful person. Like, I'm not evil. I'm not trying to do this to try to just, you know, everybody over. Like, I'm, I have a problem. I'm,

I'm an addict. Like, I have issues. I'm saying this to the courtroom. I'm saying this to the judge. And I was just, you know, letting them know, like, I feel remorse for what I did. It was, it's awful. It's stupid. I mean, I, it's just very immature way of trying to. deal with my addiction. And I said, I mean, if it wasn't for the case of me being addicted to drugs, this wouldn't be happening, obviously. And he actually kind of leveled with me, and he's like, I have a daughter that's caught up in that stuff right now.

And I feel for you, kid. I honestly feel like you need a rehabilitation more than you need a prison sentence. But due to the sheer amount of money that you made within the 45-day-day-day- or whatever like you you gotta be sent into something right what was what were they already recommending what was probation recommending 16 to 18 months 16 16 to 18 months yeah oh okay geez okay for 21 grand yeah it was because all my little priors my little points i don't know why i'm looking at Connor he doesn't he's not gonna help he doesn't understand but he looked at me like he looked at me like i don't how am i so i don't that sounds reasonable yeah but no yeah that that's that's that's out that's ridiculous

That's ridiculous. Yeah. I know people have sold a couple hundred thousand dollars and ended up with probation. Mm-hmm. So it was, it was all of your, it's all of your, your criminal history level. Yeah. Okay. That's, that's what led up to me having to have that much.

And so, and what he said is like, you know, I have to sentence you to something, obviously. So I'm going to give you three months. I was like three months, okay. I've never done any, any time at the time. Like, I've done three days maybe for. driving without a license because at that time driving without a license was a jailable offense and I had a think I had a DUI or something and never done any time before so he sentenced me I was doing up to that day I did I smoked before I went and got sentenced and he told me that and then my

both my parents there my mom was crying and like I kind of broke down I was like all right here I go and then they handcuffed me and they put me in the little federal holding So kind of broke down, bro. I cried like a small child. Dude, yeah. Yeah. Like you could. Yeah, I was unconsolable.

Yeah. Got considerably amount, a considerable amount of more time than you. But it doesn't matter if it's a month. No. It's devastating. Yeah. Because you're taking, I mean, you're getting taken away from everything. Yeah.

Yeah. Especially for your first time ever. Like you get taken away. And you have to go through detox. Sorry, you have to go withdrawals. I have to go withdrawals. Good times. Yeah.

So then. from there they send me to FCC Fairbanks Correctional Center and question when they locked you up right there in the courtroom and they lead you away the Marshall leads you away right they lead you down the hallway and then they put me in a little gate right and they leave me there until like until they're ready to transport all right which the federal building to FCC is three miles away but I'm in there for like four hours and just with me in my head my thoughts and be like, oh my God, I can't believe I did this. I'm so fucking stupid. I'm never going to do this again. Like this I'm, I need to change my life around. I need to do something.

And finally, yeah, after three or four hours of me in there, bawling my eyes out and fucking beating myself up and saying how much I like slandered my last name. I like hurt my parents and all this. So many, everything goes through your head. The most awful things you can think of. and they come and come and get me and they handcuff me and go to FCC and then like by that night I'm like I'm already tossing and turning and FCC like there's a lot of people in there that are going through the same shit there's a lot of people that are going through withdrawal so like what's that major problem in Alaska right isn't it at that time okay it was the the epidemic was huge it was really big yeah back in 2010 2011

it was that was the main thing there was a lot of people doing it and so i get to fcc and i of course i know quite a few people in there because it's just just a small town and they're they're like here this will help take some candy and then you know like whatever anything that'll help and he's like make sure you go take a shower go do this and like everybody knows that i'm going through withdrawals so they're like just leave them alone and let them sleep it off because there's probably in so there's a a wing B wing and C wing and a wing is the the higher higher like higher security and then B wing is like the low level and C C wing is the workers and B wing is just like it's just it's disgusting like it's like the kind where you just look down it and there's like

mold and dripping water onto like the cement and all the paint's scratched off and it's just it's not very clean right and so yeah i'm kicking for seven seven to ten days before i start coming out of it and coming out of myself and eating kind of socialize and talking to a few guys that i know outside of there but that they're in as well um and then like i start to understand some of the because i've never done time i know that there's certain politics, certain things you should do. Like, in jail, it's not the poll. There's no politics in FCC, really.

Right. At all. Yeah, there's too mixed up. There's not enough, there's not enough guys to get together to be dangerous. It's whites and natives. Yeah. That's it. So after 20, 20, 30 days, like I'm, I'm playing spades, you know,

playing spades with these guys and I'm eating, hanging out. I'm like, this isn't actually isn't too bad. I can do this. So I can do this for what I'm not, I've been here for 28 days. I can do this for 70 more. This is easy. Maybe they won't even take me to federal pen or a federal FCI. And then on day 30, I think over the intercom, La La LaLan, roll it up.

And I was like, and everybody was like, oh shit, Federale, here we go. And yeah, I knew. So I rolled it up. I mean, all I have is my blankets and my paperwork. So you throw your sheets and your blankets at them bin. And so they walk me up to booking. So it's no longer just the correctional officers. I walk over and then there's the FBI.

So they got there. I always know their FBI because they got their tan pants and they're... You mean the U.S. Marshals? Yes. Yeah, the U.S. Marshals. Yeah. And so there, I think there was maybe two or three. I think there's three total, including me, that were all federal and we were getting transported.

And it's at that time, January, December, February. So it's about February. So it's cold at that. It's Alaska. Yeah. I'm assuming it was cold the whole time I thought it was cold. I didn't know. It was a warm spot.

There is for about three or four months. And yeah, other than that, it's cold. So they chain gang us and put us in the van. And then we fly up to this little private airway. And they put us in the little bush plane and just a little, little two propellers and so fly us marshals with you the whole time yeah yeah two marshals they were they were super chill comparatively speaking to the marshals that i encountered later so then i fly to anchorage and they i go to the anchorage jail and i'm at the time i'm like where where am i going like are they

just going to am i going to anchorage am i going to stay here like they don't tell you anything i don't know what i'm going to do So, and then they put me in some po-dunk cell. They put me in a tub, a little tub, like, because there's no bed space anymore. There's two bunks, and then they put you in the tub, pretty much, with a mat. A boat. They call them a boat. It's an orange, right?

Was it orange? It was gray. It was gray. Yeah. It's like a, it looks like a, almost like a, what do you call? It's like a shallow canoe or something. Yeah, like a really shitty low boat that. Yeah.

Yeah, like a, trying to think, not a canoe. Like a kayak kind of like a kayak kind of like a kayak canoe kind of thing. Yeah, yeah and then you stick your mat in there and then I got Some guy up front on on the top that's of course annoyingly snores every damn night and then I got the guy on the bottom bunk that's going through withdrawals himself So I'm on the floor and this guy is in full-fledged withdrawal shitting himself and puking and I'm just like I I dude. I need to get out of here Like, I'm seeing seeing that in perspective, like, he was like, got to be 50 years old. And he's still going through what I just went through when I was 20 years old. And then like kind of put it in perspective.

I was like, dude, I'm not going to be 50 years old and going through this shit anymore. Right. No way. I do not want to be that dude. And I was in there for two, two or three days. And you were locked in the cell the whole time? 21 hour, 20 hour to lock down. So we were just out for breakfast, lunch, dinner.

that's it and in there for for three days and then yeah they bang on bang on the door the lawn roll it up i was like thank god i don't care where i go anymore i don't want to be in here and i try asking them i always try to ask him like where am i going you know like we can't i can't tell you that and from there there was probably about 10 or 15 federal and inmates that were in Anchorage and they, I think on this one, so they do the hip restraints to your handcuffs, your hips, and then your feet, and then they attached you to two other people, and then puts you on the bus. And then from the bus, then we go to another private airport or something, and put us on the plane, and my public defender said that with the amount of time that you have,

As far as you're going to go is Seattle, C-TAC. Like, there's no other reason why you'd go anywhere else because you're low, you're low-level. Like, there's, that's as far as you should go. So after I was on the plane heading to Seattle, and I'm like, okay. Because there's no federal, you told me earlier, there's no, there's no federal prison in Alaska. No, there's none. So I know that's where I'm going. I'm like, okay, so I can kind of relax.

This is my last destination. And so I get in there. walk in and it's it was a whole different kind of feeling because it's it's it's prison jail and prisons are like I didn't I didn't realize that's yeah so I walk in and this this like a big two-tier where you say something I was gonna say something this is with a plane no this is all yeah oh yeah sorry so I yeah I walk in and it's a whole different feel because all the whites approached me there everybody's like hey do you need anything I like I do you need any

food you need it I mean socks do you need any shower slides yeah yeah do you need the toothbrush like I get soups for you do you need Keefe coffee exactly we bro I got a lock for your locker give me that back when you go to commissary at all yeah yeah yeah and like this it it was so I never experienced something like that it was like I just felt like they were like hey we're here like if you need us to let me know support group definitely and then but then I noticed like the other guys that I came with their their race went up to them yeah and did the same thing I was like oh that's that's kind of cool I mean and so I go go to myself and I'm kind of situating myself and

I'm in there with he was just Mexican I don't know if he was a North side or Southside or anything but he was really super chill I think he was younger than I was and he's we have lockers in there and he's got like cans and cans of like Sprite and Pepsi and all this stuff. You can have some if you want some. Or I was like, I don't want to accept anything from anybody. That's just, I am told. You've been told don't accept anything.

Yeah. Because then they want something. They want something back from you, Connor. Yeah. That's how that works. It is. Yeah, remember that time? You know, yeah, yeah, remember that?

You're going to help me. Now, uh, now I need you to meet me in the shower. Yeah, whoa, whoa, bro. It was seven up, man. It was a can of soda. What you thought? That doesn't, that does not add up. That's crazy interest.

I don't get. That's crazy interest. Yeah. Yeah. So I used to say the difference between being in the medium when I was in a medium at Coleman, I was in the medium for like three years. Difference between being in the medium prison and being in the low was in the medium, if some guy left a snickers on your pillow, don't eat it.

But if they leave it at the medium, you can eat it. Because that dude comes and you says, hey man, you got my stuff. Yeah. I ate your stickers. I might be in your locker later. What what room are you in? Yeah. Because they're not going to do anything in the medium. They're pretty much set. They're okay. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But anyway, sorry. Go ahead. But you don't want to do. You don't want to take that Pepsi. Yeah. No. I know. I've heard about you. Yeah. Yeah. I know what you're trying to do. Set me up. And then so first night. First night I'm at C-Tac. And just getting comfortable. I'm like, finally, I can. This is where I'm going to be. Laying down, I was starting to fall asleep on my door. La La La Lawn, roll it up.

I was like, you got to be cheating me. Like, no, you got the wrong person. Like, are you sure? I just got here. That's yeah, that's what I said. I just got here. He's like, no, he's like, looked at his paperwork. He said, Lalonde.

I was like, yes, that's my last name. He said, yeah, roll it up. I was like, okay. I mean, so I don't have anything because I just got here. And so they put me, I mean, do the whole wrist restraints, put it to your hips, put it around your angles, blah, blah, blah. Lead us all out to this shittiest plane I've ever seen. Like, I swear there was duct tape holding this thing together.

Yeah, yeah, they're not, it's not Delta. No, no. No, it's not even like, like what is, spirit. It's not even spirit like that. And it's just a plain gray, just there's nothing on it. Yeah, and the stewardesses are horrible. No, I've got shotguns, yell at you the whole time. Yeah.

Yeah, they're not nice. They won't let you go to the bathroom. Nope. If that lights off or not, you're not going. You just pissed yourself. Yeah. Because you're probably sitting in a seat that's been pissed in multiple times. Probably.

Yeah. Yeah. It's good stuff. I mean, fairly, fairly nice. So we all get situated, get on the plane. And we're all sitting there. And then the pilot goes, oh, I think we're having a problem with one of our engine. So we're going to have to, you know,

everybody's going to have to get off. We're going to have to try to do this again another time. That's what you want to hear. Yeah. Yeah, especially when you're all restrained and getting ready to fly to another state. Could you imagine if something happened? Do you ever see that one plane? I hate to say this, but if you remember that one plane that I don't know what it was at DC, whatever,

it actually like the top of the plane blew off and they lost one of the one of those stewardesses flew out. Like if you were chained together with like five other guys and one guy goes out, like you're all going out like anal beats. Like you're like, you're going to be like you're going to be like you're this. Even if you could hold on, the other guys are going to be flapping around. the fuchsial lodge on the outside. Yeah. We're a pretty strong guy. You'd probably be all right.

I mean, I try my best. So anyway, I'm sorry. Go ahead. So the plane's not good. What an imagination you have. So the captain said, listen, there's something leaking out of one of the engines. We don't feel good about this. Yeah.

So anyways. So we're all getting off and then go head back to the to the prison. Anal penis. That's what I always thought of when they would chain me to the guy. in front of me. I was always like, we're like a bunch and we're all in orange. Like sometimes you'd be, or you'd have like the paper dresses that they put you in. And I'd be like, there's like, there's like 12 orange guys in orange chain together. And I would always, for some reason, I always thought, you know, anal beats.

I don't know. I'd once seen some anal beats, you know, I, well, I knew someone. And, and, you know, they were, they were, you know, and so I saw, you know, and they were, they were orange. Yeah. That's all I'm saying. Don't, don't judge me. I'm not. I mean. Okay. Okay. Got that covered. We go back in and into the pod and everybody's like, oh, shit, everybody's back, blah, blah, making fun of us. And then that night, one of the white guys, he approached me, he's like, hey, we're making

a spread for all the white guys. Like, I've never had any, like, real food. Right. Since being in, it was always just like what they gave us. And so, like, in the federal institution, you can order a lot of shit. You can order, I mean, pretty much anything, food-wise. or drink wise and he made us like not this big plate of nachos with like sliced up sausage and put jalapinos and cheese and yeah what was it a little chubs yeah the little chubs

and then the squeeze cheese and all squeeze cheese and all that and he just he had it for all the white guys and that night i was like man this is awesome like this is pretty cool like it and then that night again so this is my second at night bang bang on my door again the lawn roll it up four in the morning yeah i was like okay yeah well i know this time where i'm potentially going and we all get on there get situated there's another problem there's another problem yeah we're all gonna have to uh on the plane you got on the plane again mm-hmm like you'd figure that they would check the plane before you get on the prisoner on there but yeah yeah it goes to show where our our government money is going we all

fucking get off the plane again and now and now the pod's like really laughing at us they're all hollering and shit and making fun of us and i was like yeah we're we're back here we go like yeah yeah can we get some more notches um then third night of course same thing repeat like i was expecting it i wasn't even trying to sleep i was sitting like this like on my on my bunk waiting for him and then the lawn roll it up same thing we all get on the plane and and And then pilot doesn't say anything, so we start rolling back. And I'm like, oh, and here we go. Finally going somewhere, I'm going to die.

Take off. Everything seems pretty kosher. And then they're, then they give you two-day-old sandwiches and a little box of juice with your hip restraints. Yeah, they want you to eat them like this. You have to scoot up the chain's heart just enough so you can reach down. It's comical. If you drop something, it's just. It's gone.

It's comical watching like the hardest dudes, like tattoos everywhere buff and like they're just struggling to try to eat their little sandwich. It's just I saw a few guys are like that. I'm not even going to try. And then we land. I don't know where we where we landed until until I got off the plane because I was like this is I mean I'm in Vegas. I can see the Chris Angel pyramid.

I can see the strip. I like this cool. I'm getting all my vacation spots checked off around this because. later I found out that they're moving me because of limited bed space, whatever that means. But that's why they were moving me around. And so they put you on a bus again. And we're driving through. I drive through the strip.

Like, I'm on a bus. Just like, oh, this is cool. I'm looking at everything. I've never been to Vegas. And you still really haven't been. I need to, yeah. Being in the prison transport on the way to prison driving down the trip. It's not really being to Vegas.

Yeah. But I mean, I was in the location of. So, I mean, I didn't get to experience, of course, real Vegas. And then we'd drive past it. We started going through like this desert like where there's absolutely nothing. And we pull into like, it just, it looked like an army base because you can't, you can't see the fence. Like it's all the ground is above the fence and everything.

So you have to go around through. the gates are until you actually can see the prison. And then it's a, it was a, a privately owned federal institution called, it was just perump, FC, FCI. And never, never heard of the place. So I guess it's a, it's a holding or a transport like facility, I guess. I have no idea why they sent me there, but that's where I know who own that facility? Was it like CCA? I have no idea. There's a bunch of private, there's a bunch of private companies that, like there's CCA, there's, is it global? And they, where they build private prisons and they house a federal and state inmates. Yeah.

Yeah. I just, I was obviously brand new because, I mean, paint was all, everything was brand new. And they put us all in the little paw, little holding cell, and they're doing their little classifications and stuff. And finally get out of my car. cuffs and I think I'm wearing my so in C-TAC they give you brown you're wearing your brown and brown and I'm wearing my shower shoes that's all I got and and there it's the yellow jumpsuit so you got to go through I got a you got to change out from your from my C-TAC clothes you got to go through your whole inspection and do you know I'm sure you know

Yeah, yeah. That's real fun. Yeah, yeah. The bend over, squat and cough. Yeah, yeah. Lift up your sack. Yeah, let me see what you got in there. Yeah, that's fun. And then they gave you your yellow jumpsuits.

And then I turned the corner and I just, it was just huge. Like I couldn't see the end of it. It was this one big long haul. And they assigned me to a pod. So, and I walk in, it's just, it's literally, it's, you don't have a cell. There's no cell. It's just, it was. like probably a open bay yeah it was like probably like 60 by 60 yeah just with lines of beds

and then one big TV up here and then you have one two three four five tables so there's all your beds and all the little shitters with the with the divider that's probably this high so you can look to the guy next you've taken a shit and say hi no or masturbating yeah that's he's masturbating sometimes they'll bring in some some lotion yeah you know yeah you make sure you keep your blinders on, whatever you're doing. You don't want to look over, ever. Or sometimes maybe you do. Maybe you say, Tom, what do you look at at it?

Come on, stop it, Cox. You know what I'm doing. What's all that noise? You eat macaroni? What's going on, bro? Worry about your damn self. Can I read that later? Is that the one with what's your name in a minute?

Got to hear my cox. So I go into this one and I'm not approached. like by the white guys this time. Like this is just a big dorm. And so I find out this is where I'm at and where my bed is and I'm in Nevada. I'm like, what am I'm like thinking? I'm like, how much time do I have left?

Like I was to say half your sentence has been to transport. Yeah. Like at this point I was like, I think I have probably 50 days left. You should be putting me in for halfway house. Yeah. And so I find my bunk and then eventually to like talk to, I mean, he was white because obviously he was a skinhead, had a bunch of tattoos and blah, blah, blah. And he, this place was super politic-y. Like he was, he let me know, this is where I learned where there's the notagnos and the serenios.

He's like, okay, so you can associate with the south siders and you can tell that they're south siders because they have a shaved head. the Northsiders don't but some of them do I was like how the hell is their manual yeah I was like how do you expect me to I was like you know I'm how about I just don't associate with any of them then I'll be okay and then he's like and there's there's this one guy he's mixed he's he has a white mom and a black dad so he's he's mixed so he he runs with us so I just want to let you know that like that's that's what we're doing around here because Because the pod, I think there's 10, 11 white dudes, the rest of them are north side or south iders or blacks.

And how many people are in the unit? Total. Probably 40 or 50. I want to say. 40 or 50? If 10 of them are, that's like 25% white guys. Yeah. Yeah.

And so. What's so funny is in prison, like having this conversation. like you can't have this conversation in the real world because in the real world like it's funny you go to prison and it like the black guys can be right next door right next to you say listen let me tell you about the black guy don't talk to let me see and they're right there you're like you know you just get off the street you're like bro bro there's a black guy right there like what are you saying bro yeah and then you know and it's like such an issue in in prison and then you get out and you still have It's the exact opposite. Yeah. But it's the exact, you know, it's, and it was so funny to people out here, they're like, you know, you know, racism and prejudice.

They're like, this is not racism. No, you have no idea. No idea what racism is. But so he gives me that a little bit of the lowdown. And then one, one morning we get, it's like waffles or pancakes and little apple slices for, for breakfast. And they give you like a little spoonful of peanut butter. and the white slash black guy, the mixed guy that ran with us, he was allergic to peanut butter

to get nut allergy or something. And he's like, here, you want mine? Like, I can't have it. I was like, yeah, sure, I'll take it and put it on my waffle or my pancake, ate it. And then, like, a couple hours later, that white dude that first talked to me about the politics and everything in there, he goes, so I saw you took some peanut butter from what's his name earlier? You know that I should beat your ass for that.

How big is this guy, by the way? Because basically, did you tell him you're like a tourist? Like, I'm on vacation. This is a couple of months for me, bro. This is in my life. Yeah, he knew that I was like, this is my first time, obviously. And it's your short time, right? Yeah.

Let him know, like, I'm on in a week. I'm on my way out. I've been on my way out since I got in. And that's what he was like, that's what he said. He was like so, but since I know you're new here. And I know that you don't got much time that I'm going to let this one slide. I was like, oh, thanks, buddy. Yeah, yeah, thanks for that.

Like, I mean, he wasn't. At that the time, I mean, in 2010, 2011, I mean, I was a lot smaller. I mean, he wasn't. I was going to say, you're a pretty big guy. Like, I was sitting there. Like, how big is this guy? Yeah. I mean, at that time, he was a lot bigger than me.

Right. Yeah. Like, I think after the withdrawals and everything I started eating, I was maybe 140, 150 pounds. Oh, shit. shit yeah and like i can't imagine you at a buck 40 like yeah i was i mean i was strong out you're probably what's 170 now 180 no i'm pushing it was 200 oh i think that was like 1903 well it would have been a different conversation yeah at 200 it was it 140 yeah if you said that i would have i much lifted him up by his neck and threw him away i'm much more polite to people that are 200 pounds

yeah no shit and then so yeah that happened and i was like okay well all right i think Thank you. I understand, sir. And then I was there. I was at Perump for maybe a week or two. And they had, you could go outside whenever you wanted, but it was just like a fenced in area. So there was the pod, and then you could just walk out to maybe a 15 by 15,

uh, obviously gated. It just, you could just go out there and chill. Like there wasn't enough to play handball or anything. It was just a, just to go outside. And me being from Alaska, like, I didn't get that much sun.

So I'd just go and sit, like, kind of in the corner and just sit there and so soak up the sun. And all the guys like, oh, hey, look at Alaska. I'm like, yeah, leave me alone. I'm just soaking up sun. I don't have anything else to do. I'm out of here. Like, I would. And then, yeah, about a week later, over the PA, again, Lal, roll it up.

I was like, where the else could I possibly going now? Like, I'm pushing under 40 days now. Like, I've been to two, well, if you count the,

from FCC to Anchorage, from Anchorage to C-TAC to PORUMP, I mean, I've been to four different places already. And I roll it up. I'm like, okay, where the fuck am I going to go now?

And then I think this time, Let's see, I was in Vegas. So I, we took a bus this time. They didn't fly me. We took a bus all the way from Prump, Nevada. And then I ended up arriving to Sheridan, Oregon, FCI. And that's where I did the remainder of my time. And in FCI or in the, in Sheridan,

It was three man cells and you have to go there first. You have to go into the classification pod. And at that time, I think I had 35 days left or something. So they didn't, they couldn't classify me to put me into where I was supposed to go. Right. Because most guys stay in classification in that pod for a week. And in that classification pod, you're on 21-hour lockdown. Same thing.

Lunch, I mean, breakfast, lunch and dinner. and three-man cells. And first couple nights, they were pulling people out and be like, okay, you're going here. And then you're going here. And then I'd get a cell to myself and be like, oh, this is nice. And then until more came in. And then so in Sheridan, they give you, of course, when you get there. I'm in another yellow jumpsuit, but they also give you a jacket with a hood.

Because in that particular pod or that federal detention center, it was just cold in there. And, I mean, they give you jackets. And because you can go outside too, and it has a hood on there. And there was one morning, right there. They pop the doors and it's breakfast time. I have my jacket on. Everybody's wearing their jackets. And a lot of them put their hood on because that doesn't matter.

But I'm sitting in line, like shuffling, you know, waiting to get. get my breakfast and I'm a shuffling and then I hear a CEO say hey take off your hood and I was like I know there's plenty of other people wearing their hood so I didn't pay any attention to it and kept going hey do you hear me take off your goddamn hood and I kind of like look back and I look I was like I know he's not talking to me that way like I yeah he is I know and he was and I was like I didn't I'm I'm not going to I don't care I'm at the point I was like I you can't you can't talk to me that way I just no matter who you are like I've just just that's just how I felt like I just it just it got got me I was like just you and so he came up and

grabbed me on the shoulder and I said did you hear me he said take off your hood and I said I don't go of who you are you're not going to talk to me that way to say hey can you can you take off your hood like why do you give us a jacket with a hood if you don't want us to wear the hood and He said, do you know who was asking you to do that, to take off your hood? You know who was asking you to do that? That's the warden. And I was like, okay, what does that mean? He's like, well, you're disrespecting the warden, and the warden told you to take off the hood.

And that's interbordination. And I was like, I shut the, like, I don't care. The warden was like a five foot two little Mexican dude and he's yelling at me to take off my hood. He was like, all right, well, take him to the hole. So I get sent to the hole. for wearing my hood on a jacket that they give you for no reason. So I get sent to the hole and I get, I mean, the hole is, that's a whole different place. I mean, there's people screaming.

I mean, it's loud. It's very loud. And then I learned that, I mean, after being in there, like, for the first day, you only get to shower three times a week when you're in the hole and they bring it to you. They bring the shower to you while you're in the hole. Okay. Well, I mean, I've heard of those. That's that every, every institution's different. Yeah. So it's on like wheels, right? Like they wheel it to you.

Yeah. And you only get three showers a week. I mean, obviously you're in the hole. You're not allowed to do anything. And I went in there with some dude that I was by myself for the first couple days and they moved me again. And then I get into this cell that's withdrawing from coffee. Withdrawing from coffee. Yeah. Because he's. I mean, he said he would drink those little instant packs that you get, little blue ones. I think he said he was going through like three of those a day.

And he's just laying in bed with migraines and shitting himself all the time on the toilet. And, like, it was horrible during that. I mean, but when he was sleeping, like, I had time to, it was actually kind of peaceful in a weird way. And being so secluded, it's weird what you're. what your mind can adapt to so easily. Like, you understand I've done your entire sentence in the shoe. Yeah, really. I did 45 days one time.

I mean, I know guys have done six months. Oh, yeah. You know. Yeah. But it's insane that how what your mind can just, it just makes it okay. Yeah, yeah. No, you can adapt to any, I mean, pretty much anything. Yeah.

And it's, I felt, I felt comfort and solace. and being alone all the time. Yeah. Like, I was like, oh, this is nice. And then I started writing. I started doing, like, just writing my life story and like what I've been through. And like, I started having, like, you know, I did, maybe I should, you know, make an audio, autobiography or something or something. Right.

Write a memoir. A memoir, yeah. Because to me, I mean, it's, to me, it's a big story. To other people, I mean, it's, it's small. but like to me it's i went through a lot of shit and after i got i was only in the hole for a week i got back to my to the the um classification one and there was this this older dude that i like i talked to him here and there and like i liked to listen to the radio of course and he's like i got the next radio if you want to use it because I know you're only going to be here for a while.

He's like two more weeks. He's like you can keep it. And I ended up having a sell to myself for the remaining three weeks, I think, that I had there. And they started the breakfast, lunch and dinner hour. And then between those, those three hours, they would let you out for half hour. So you got, I was on 20 hour lockdown instead of 21. and I was walking around on the tier and then I had this this this I think he might have have been a north side or I'm not sure but he had like a big big tattoo of like you know like the Georgia bulldog or whatever I don't know it's chest and he was animal lover yeah yeah and he just he loved to talk and then I mean I like to listen so you just we just walk around he'd bullshit and

we talk and then blah blah blah and then the old dude he was doing my laundry for me like he was just because he was a worker in that facility so he was allowed to be out the whole time yeah a lot of guys will do that just to be able to be out of the cell like yeah it's it's it'll it your time goes so much faster if you're working and if you're just laying in and your punk and you're bunk the whole time yeah and i of course was i hated reading before i went in and then i ended up reading you know a bunch of books while i was in there and and and then i would listen to the radio and I had this, the window was probably about this big, probably about three feet tall and I'd just sit down there and listen to my music and you can see who's

coming in from where I was. You could see all the new arrivals and everything and then towards the, I think it was my second to the last day, the guy that I was walking around with that I would talk to all the time with the big tattoo. I mean, he was pretty, pretty big. scary looking dude but he was he was funny like he's like hey you got a new cellie and i was like oh i was like come on i almost had it almost had myself to myself the rest of the time and i walk in there and it's this this pudgy little just white dude never been in ever been in trouble in his life he got got caught in for embezzlement because he worked at a bank and he got like 48 months or something the first time never seen jail he was petrified he was so scared

But I walked in there and he was like, hey, is it okay if like if I put myself here? Because it's a three-man cell. There's two bunks right here. And then there's a single bed. And of course, I want the bottom bunk. I was like, you can sleep on that one. I don't care. You can take the top.

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Again, that's ghostbed.com slash Cox with the code Cox at the checkout to save a whopping 50% off site wide. And I had a blast with that guy. So what I did, no. I'd have been like, so have they really yet. So the dude that I, that I was walking around with, he's like, you want me to with him? And I was like, dude, oh yeah, okay, let's see it.

Let's go ahead. So he walks in there, opens the door. He's like, hey, man, you owe me my money. You got my money. I know you've stolen my money. He's like, backing up. And he's like, no, I swear, I swear I didn't do it. And he's like, I'm just.

with you, man. And I was, and then I grabbed it, grabbed that dude. I was like, all right, that's enough. He's going to shit himself. And I was like, so this is my, I'm getting out tomorrow. I'm going to give you all the, you know, the rules and regulations of what you should, should and shouldn't do. And he's like all night till like 12. He's like, well, what if I, what do I do this? Or who do I talk to or where can I sit or like, I was like, just keep to your own, man like just you don't want to get in a car you don't want to do any of that shit like you don't want you don't want to get involved I can tell by the way you look and what you're doing I don't think your this is gone yeah yeah and

hard like me baby see run in that place oh man so and then that morning that morning They're getting ready for release. So they, I think it was like 8 o'clock. And it was like a female CEO and she was like, so she's like, oh, Matthew, are you ready to go? And I was like, yeah, let's get the hell out of here. And they get me. And she, you're damn right.

I'm ready to go, boo. Say no more. Oh, yeah. Sorry. And so they give you, I didn't have any clothes. So, of course, you get your gray, sweatpants, your white tea and your fake chucks. And I think I got $120 that they gave me. They gave you $120?

Yeah. They got to fly me back to Alaska from Oregon. What? Huh? But you said they gave you money, though. Yeah. They get, yeah. It was their fair.

not farewell, but it's like, it's gate money. Gate money, I didn't get any gay money. I was a locked up 13 years. I didn't get gate money. I got a good luck to you, bro. That sucks for you, then. My God.

Was anybody putting money on your books when you were locked up? Like your parents putting money on your books? No, not so much. I mean, they did sometimes, but they my mom, of course, wanted to talk to me, and I couldn't because she just, she would break down every time. I just want you to do better.

I hope you can make it. My dad just... He's fine. Yeah, just let the kid do his time. He'll get out and figure it out. And then so I get out and walking out and I can hear everybody banging on the windows because they can see me walking out. And I go to the van and he's wearing like prisoner or oranges.

And I was like, are you, you're my driver? He's like, yeah, because it's a camp. Yeah. So, like, I had just, I had no idea that they would let a prisoner drive me 30 miles away to the airport. They put Jess on a bus and let her drive her or go to the other, like they gave her a voucher, her and a bunch of girls. They got to go hang out for a couple of days and showed up at the prison when they wanted to. Not really. They had a time today to be there.

But they hung out. They went on a bus. They, where did you stop? Atlanta. Tennessee. We stopped in Nashville. No, they caught a show. I'm shoken about the show.

But still. One of a couple bars. Ridiculous. Wow. I just, I didn't have any idea that they would have. You fuckers had a different experience that I had. There was no gate money for me. Yeah.

Nobody gave me a bus ticket. I would love to ride the bus. You got. Jesus. And then before, before I went in, I was a smoker. So I was like, he's like, do you want me to stop anywhere? I was like, yes, let's go get some cigarettes. And I bought a pack of cigarettes, bought a lighter, took one drag and coughed my ass.

and coughed my ass off. And I was like, okay, well, I'm over that. Oh, yeah, I don't want to smoke cigarettes if I'm not smoked up on opiates. So that's, that's gone. And then I get to the airport and they had like, they haven't like a Nike shop in there. And I was wearing my white tea. And they gave me the money. And I was like, I want to get a black Nike sweatshirt. So I don't look like I just got out of prison. And then I got some Burger King and then got on my flight. Fucking Burger King. Yeah. And I got on my flight and they told me of course you need to report to your federal probation officer within 24 48 hours or something. And I report and they, as soon as I get there, my federal PO that she was assigned to when she saw me because she saw my federal, my inmate card and like I had my head shaved.

And she's like, I was honestly, I was really worried about you in there because your picture looks really bad. Like you look like you were having a very hard time. I was like, I mean, and I was, but I mean, not really. She's like, so are you doing okay? I was like, yeah. Who did they give you for a PO? My PO was constantly going to throw me back in prison. She needed my guts.

They were the, I mean, probably the nicest POs that I've ever dealt with. You could just go to Alaska, you guys. And then, yeah, I report to her. and she says well of course you need to get a job and you do this blah blah blah check in once a month and I did I had five years five years of federal probation did not up once did did absolutely like the last year she's like or last almost two years she's like you can check in every every four months I think she's like you can check in every four months and you don't even have to come in just call just call and check in

Because I was passing all my piss tests. I was working. I was doing everything, right? Passed all my piss tests. I had to take a year worth of criminal behavior modification classes with a psychiatrist once a week for an hour. While I was every twice a month being pissed tested, I didn't even have a drug charge. Jeez. God, man.

I'm still off federal probation. It's been three years. I just got denied. I tried to get off early. They said now. I don't they're holding a grudge it's resentment is what it is they're they're still they're irritated they're up I'm six million but it's you know they're holding it against me but anyway I could see why you're vastly different experience but yeah so and well okay

you know this like giving you like hugs and they you're okay yeah Jesus yeah they there was only two of them and they were both females so it was like it was Yeah It should have long hair, blue eyes Didn't, yeah, that that probably went a long way with them I'm sure Yeah, it did They, she was pretty attractive too anyway

Hope she doesn't see this Um Uh So I did that, I finished it without a hiccup And that was five years And then I lasted about one year Off being probation So at that time

You lasted one year? I last it. So what is that? Hold on. Hold on. I lasted one year after being off probation without up again. So that means like a relapsing. Yep. So I relapsed. And during those five years, I was working at a very, very good business. I had a truck, a car, a place. Like I had two like two vehicles up my own place. And I was doing very, very well for myself. Like I felt like I was like I was like, Like I did it. Like I told myself when I was walking out of Sheridan, like I'm never going to touch that shit ever again because it ruined my life. Like I have this stain on my record now and it's going to haunt me forever.

And I was like, I'm going to do everything within my power to try to churn my life around. And I did it for five years and I thought like, I thought I had it licked. I thought like, you know, I did it. Like I came out and that's the funny thing about addicts is like, I mean, you one change of thought like and you're done. And so at that time, like I said, I think it was like six years, I had my own place and I woke up one morning and I had my closeted mirrors and next to my bed and I like I swaned. my legs over and I just I just have this distinct memory of like I looked at myself and I just said I'm not happy like I have everything that I could possibly want materially but I don't have I feel unfulfilled there's there's a hole somewhere and I just I just said it literally I said it

and I was like I'm on a mission to go find whatever I can find and get hot because I'm not happy. I just, I want to feel happy. There's something missing. And that within that day, of course, I found, I found, and within the first week, I found the needle. And then I started becoming an intravenous user. And then within the second week, I figured out I can mix meth in the same syringe and then put that in my vein. Holy shit. That was, that's the best feeling I've ever had. And within probably, I would say, a month and a half to two months of me shooting meth and shit into every vein that I had in my body, I had no money again. My car went to shit. My truck went to shit.

I would came to the point where I was having to steal steal shit and then no gas card no more gas card so I had to figure out some other way so I would go to like empty like construction sites and steal all their tools and then pawn them off and do or trade them for for math or whatever and I had I had I had there was a construction site where we took a bunch of stuff and then there was this, this, it was like a heater that like when it's under construction in Alaska, they have these big, huge heaters that you can put it under, under the like under a tarp and it'll heat the entire place. And we didn't have a place to put it and it was me and two other people. and we just I put it on the top of his truck with no no straps no nothing and I just went down this we went down the street and hopefully it didn't roll off and we put all the tools and everything inside my house and I brought a bunch of stuff to one of my dealers I got like three grams three or four grams of and a couple grams of

meth for just these tools. The guy's running a pawn shop. Pretty much. Yeah. And then some of them I took to the pawn shop as well. Under my name, like I just didn't give a shit anymore. Like I don't, like, I'm going to get caught eventually. So like, let's just do it. Let's get it over with. That's, that was my mindset. Like, and within, yeah, like I said, after about two months,

I had three or four cops banging on my door with a warrant. and they I opened it like I was still like halfway out of it I woke up on my couch like with I think like a needle still stuck in my arm and opened the door and they like grabbed my arm took me out and put them in the car and started searching my house and found all the tools and all this other shit and um booked me back into FCC and then they charged me with the mix for which is like in possession of drugs. a burglary two and then a theft two so I ended up pleading out to the the theft two and so that's gonna be that would be my second felony I was looking at just state though this is state now yeah and I think that she told me I was looking at three years I was like I did I made 21,000 dollars I went to the feds and they gave me three months And I took $3,000 worth of construction stuff, and I'm looking at potentially three years. And so what they did is they did two years, one suspended, and then four years probation.

I did, so the state prison in Alaska is Goose Creek. And that's state and federal prisons. I mean, they're vastly different. Yeah, vastly. And then so in Alaska, you don't have a bunch of Mexicans or anything running around. There's, it's a lot of whites, blacks, and natives, and that's it. And in Goose Creek, you're allowed to wear whatever you want as long as you have one article of yellow clothing. Like if you can wear your jeans, you can wear the shoes that you came with, you can order your shoes off East Bay or whatever.

you can get you can get all kinds of shit a yellow t-shirt yep or you just put on a yellow hat anything but then i mean if you get nice shoes you're going to get jump for your shoes like i seen i've seen guys get them jump for their shoes all the time and it's ridiculous i won't wear nice shoes no and i didn't and not for long and no and so while i was in that prison so there's it's like one long stretch right here and then this is in the middle that's the yard and then right here is like a b c d e f pods and come like breakfast time when they announce it you have to go from your pod across the across the yard at six six o'clock in the morning at 30 below and every You have to sprint to go to go get your breakfast.

Like, it's horrible. How much time did you get, though? Three years? They did two years once. Two years, one suspended. So, and then with good time, you do eight months. Okay. I didn't understand that.

Yeah. So I was there for eight months. And then still, I mean, that was eight months. It's not that long. You get into your routine. You started going to the gym. They had a track. And then, like, I had a little, a couple friends

that I hung out with. I mean, it was all the time that I did, it was easy. I mean, I learned in state, like, okay, and in Goose Creek, you have a card for your door. Like, it's only your card that opens your door. So you have your own cell. Well, you have one cellie, but you, both of you only have the lock or the card that unlocks your door. Right.

Like a hotel room. Pretty much. And then you learn because you have a glass window, that's probably about five by five that you can see into your cell. And I learned very quickly, you don't want to look into people's cells because you don't want to see shit that you don't want to see. Right. And yeah, I learned that real quick. And then so I ended up getting a cellie that had a TV and that he worked all the time. And TV?

Yeah, he had a TV. In prison. Yes. Dude, I'm telling you guys need to go to Alaska. I don't. Wow. Yeah, he had a blue jeans, tennis shoes and TVs. Mm-hmm.

Jesus, okay. But it's cold. It's cold, yeah. I'm not, I don't, I'm not good with the cold. No, no. I mean, either, but I'm not good with the heat either, bro. No. It's just as miserable with here.

No, I thought, I was trying to change my tire and I was like, I was dripping in sweat. ripping in sweat. And then Hannah, she was like, you need to stop. Like, I'll take over from here because it looks like you're about to die. Jess works outside all day. I don't know what she's thinking. No, the first job that I took here was landscaping. Oh, that's ridiculous. And I got heat stroke twice the first week I was here. I don't like walking from the front door to my car.

Dude. There's, I mean, if you walk outside in Alaska and it's 40 below and you walk out, your face just freezes. It just 40 below. I can't even imagine. It takes your breath away. Like in your face. What 40 away? What 40 below is?

I don't know. I have never experienced anything like that. I don't recommend it. I yeah, I wouldn't do it. But like it's yeah, you walk out and you like your face freezes and then if you're out there for too long, like your lips will start to like.

It's just so weird because your lips will get stuck and then it gets harder to talk. And it's, yeah, it's not fun. But then comparatively to walking out here and now like I'm instantly sweating. Yeah. It sucks. Anyways. State prison.

State prison. Your key. He worked a lot. I think he was in the kitchen. So he'd go for for two hours at breakfast, two hours at lunch, two hours at dinner. And so I'd sit there and I'd watch ridiculousness. I'd sit there and watch the reruns of ridiculousness every single day. and then I would go, they had a gym, they didn't have any free weights, so it was all cables and pull up bars and dip bars and

There's no Nautilus equipment in federal prison. There's no free weights. There's nothing. None of that stuff. There's no there's no there's no, but I mean in federal there's no no like equipment. No You guys because we had free weights and you were I yeah camps at camps because yeah I saw I saw the entire like layout of the gym when I was coming into into Sheridan on the bus. And I saw it. There was like free weights, a bench, everything. So unfair. You're you're, you're burglarizing places.

She's running a meth ring. I filled out some paperwork. I was in there with guys. I was in there with serial killers and shit. I used to have, I used to have, I used to have lunch with a guy that killed like 11 people. Yeah. I mean. But I'm sure he was a really nice guy.

He was, well, yeah, it was nice to me. Yeah. He was old now. He's pretty much feeble and not able to kill me. But I'm sure he would have. There were times he wanted to kill me. I saw it in his face. Yeah, you could tell.

So, yeah. Anyway. Yeah, I met a lot of really nice murderers. No, yeah, no. And they have a low recidivism rate, too. One of the road lowest. Like, they almost get out. Almost never do it again.

Yeah. I mean, almost. Sometimes depends on, yeah. But the, yeah, like I said, watch TV, go to the gym. I would at the last month, I would say, that I was there. I got, they pulled me over to the booking side. And they had me signed paperwork. They were going to send me to a halfway house in Anchorage.

And I go to the halfway house in Anchorage. And I end up getting on the utility maintenance crew. So the maintenance crew has the top level of the halfway house, which is like the pent suite, the penthouse suite, because it has a big screen TV, it has a couch, and then you have three different rooms, and you get your own room. And the guy...

I had nine guys in the house. I was the only white guy with eight black guys. I was the only white guy in the halfway house. In my room. There were nine people in a room. I bet that was uncomfortable. It was uncomfortable. I used to, listen, I...

And the cops would... they would come around to count, they would be like, Cox, you okay? You know, I'd be like, we need some diversity in here. You know what I'm saying? And, you know, but there's never any diversity. It's kind of dark in here. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Then, so I go to the halfway house and then I realized that they have a lot of suboxone in there.

And I'm clear, you've got a problem. Dude, yeah, you think? And. My God. And so they, then I found a guy that had meth and they have suboxin. And I have two or three weeks left at this halfway house and they call me down for a UA. Yeah. Why would they do that?

Yeah. Don't they know? God. I just, I just, I just, I just, I just didn't. I accepted the fact that I was going to be just like this career, like, criminal, just a repeat offender. That's what I accepted my life as being. Like, I'm just, you know, I have no worth anymore. I have, I have no.

Umph, no, no desire to, I just, I feel like I threw everything up. I, how old were you? During state, when in the halfway house. When I was in a halfway house, I was, so this was in 2016, 17, 18, so I was 27. Oh, yeah, 27. It's too late to turn your life around at 7, 27. You might as well just kill yourself. Yeah. What is going on?

Anyway, Jesus. I mean, try, start. starting over at 50. I spit on that. Yeah, you almost got me. Jesus. I mean, it just you give a feeling of being just so defeated. Oh my God. Okay, go ahead. Shut up. You're 27! Yeah. He's like 27, 5 foot 10, blonde hair, blue eyes, good looking. I mean, oh my god. Mine is over. Obviously, I have. I have. some confidence problems. I'm okay. I hear you. I hear you. And hard for people that aren't

addicts to understand like there was okay there's just there's one. I have I have I have I have things I deal with. I mean I'm not I do like it's hard to look like this. It's hard. Like life's not easy you look like this like you know people if people constantly women call you all the time. It's you know people want to just give you money people just you know I mean it's hard to look away from mirrors. I have issues. Yeah. I have an addiction.

Sorry. Go ahead. I hear it. There was one story that, uh, so. So I'm not how you thought this was going to go. I love this. It's funny. This is fun.

There, there was, uh, she, she asked me. She was like, so why didn't you like, like when he would get your drugs? Why don't you just wait until you get home? She is the girlfriend. Then I'm telling us to. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Well, because these guys don't know that there's a girl. There's a girlfriend over here that

looks like she just got off a got off a boat from Norway. Yeah. Blonde hair, blue-eyed, fair skin, very pretty tall, whole thing. She's a yeah, Viking. Viking, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So I, she asked me that. She's like, why don't you just wait until you at home until you did your drugs? And like to, to somebody that's not an addict, like, yeah, that makes sense. Yeah. But to an addict, you're like, once you get your drugs, you want it now. You're going to do, I'm going to pull over. I'm going to put it in my jugular vein. Like, that's,

this is how I was wired. That's how I am. No, but that's how, that's how, you know, all, all them are like that.

Yeah. And it's like, they're like, like, pick up the drugs at the, at the drug dealer's house and can't make it the, the four miles to get home. No,

no, I'm doing it right there. Then, yeah, it's, okay. Anyways. That, that was that one.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So halfway house, failed the UA. Failed the UA. And I was like, so when am I going to go back?

another week before we can get you process and I was like oh that's cool because by then I'll have two days left yeah so that'll be the plane flight there yeah and back yeah so they it was it was literally like six days later they're like okay yeah you need to go back since you failed to UA so I go to Anchorage

are you serious for two days I go to so stupid I go to Anchorage jail for two days and so I thought that I was going to get like a I thought they were going to give me shit what's it called just like a write-up like where they could take away your good time right they could so I

I managed to they were they were gonna give me a write-up for failing the UA while I was at the UA or at the halfway house but they suspended a Senate you said they suspended a year or something like that it was two years yeah two years one suspended so can't they now give you that or that's if you commit another crime

not not a failure of a UA No, no, they could take away my good time, though. Okay. So which I accrued good. I had never got in trouble. So they could have been like, oh, well, I'm going to give you another seven days. But I beat the paperwork out the door, so to speak. So like, they were getting ready to process and be like, hey, you know, you got in trouble for getting failing your UA.

But I beat it out the door. So I walk out of Anchorage jail. And I get a plane ticket. and then I got back to Fairbanks and no gate money no game money this time no nothing and I didn't have I didn't have anywhere to go

I mean at that point I had really had no contact with anybody mom and dad no done no they didn't they didn't trust me I mean obviously yeah with all the shit so I walked to from the airport there's there's a friend of mine Luke that lived

pretty close there. And I mean, I just walked up and he was like, well, you just got out of jail, didn't you? I was like, yeah. And I don't have anything. I don't have the clothes on my back and that's it. I was like, can I like try to reestablish something here? Can I stay with you? He's like, yeah, it shouldn't be a problem.

And still, after still going through all this shit, I still wasn't ready. I still didn't come to the realization that. drugs are my life and that I had a problem. So I'm on four years of probation now from my second felony, state probation. And now in the story or now? In the story. Oh, yeah, I've been off state and federal probation for a few years now. And I'm staying with him and I get a car from somebody. and then I met somebody in jail that got out at the same time, around the same time I did, and I saw him, and he looked like shit, and obviously he was on drugs, and I asked him where he can get it, obviously.

And I just, it's totally, absolutely insane to think that, like, I can continue to do what I was doing, and make something of myself. Like, I'm just hurting myself. So, like, I called my mom, and she met me in town. It was after I got out of state prison. And she was crying. She was happy to see me and everything.

She's like, you know, I wish I could take you home, but we just, we can't. Right. We can't right now. You need to figure it out. and it took after so the way that Alaska's probation is you get your first PTR petition to revoke probation you get three days your second is five days your third is 10 days after you get your fourth you can get up to the rest of your time so after my first two weeks of being out I already had my first PTA for a failed UA and then second one I was like out of area or something I wasn't where I was supposed to be right the third one I was walking down I think it might have been university or airport road and it was still like probably 20 30 below and I

I had found a truck that I was, I had keys. I had a lot of keys that I acquired through. You found a truck. I found, well, I was keeping an eye on a truck on this, in this parking lot that I may or may not have been able to steal. And that my idea was is that I'm going to take this and I'm going to take to my dealer and the pawn shop. Yeah. Pawn the truck. Yeah.

and a UAF it's a university of Fairbanks police they stop put their light on me and they're like

are you the lawn and I was like good are you infamous no like it my my P.O. dude she bless her heart

she she really wanted the she was really trying to help me and I just didn't want the help I didn't I was a maniac in my own head and

I didn't want anybody's help. I was committed to just getting high. Everybody else, my life's not worth living. Like we were joking about earlier, but that's how I felt. So this is my third probation violation. So I'm about to, if I get one more, I'm going to get the rest of my time. I'm not trying to do another year. You're like I'm done with this shit.

And are you? I'm, yeah. You know, it doesn't sound like you are. I mean, it sounds like you want to go back. Yeah. Okay. I hear you. And so they pick me up and I'm on doing my 10 days.

And then on my ninth day, I call. Are you still staying with your buddy? Yeah. Like he's still, you keep going to jail coming back, sleeping on the couch? Yeah. That. I'd be like, bro. Done.

It's your shit. I know. It's in bags. Yeah. But unfortunately, I mean, he's been through a lot of the same shit that I was. And like, he. He helped, but I mean, also in the same sense, he was also enabling me, of course. Right.

And on my ninth day, I had this old native dude. He had revolver tattoos on each arm, and then he had like his feather tattoos, like up here, and he had really long gray black hair, like really like hardcore, what you would, if you think of a native, that's what he look like. super skinny and I was I was talking to him and he he said that he knew my dad and he's like your dad you know you kind of he saved my life I was like what do you mean he's like he saved my life by by showing me that there's there's more to life than you know just drinking or drugging your life away and he's like what would it take what's it going to take for you or what are you willing to do to to get clean

And I was like at this point anything anything I will do anything and he's like okay well Remember that remember you're willing to do anything to get clean and so I call I can call my counselor to go to go upstairs so I can use their phone because it's my ninth night night They about to get out and they need to know where where are you staying yeah where you go We're at what's your address when you get out what are you gonna do and I told her I was like I don't I don't have anywhere She's like, well, you got to have something. So I call my dad. And I was like, dad, I'm at the point in my life where if I get out of here, I'm going to

overdose. I'm going to die. I'm either going to die by overdose or I'm just, I'm going to do something else stupid and I'm going to end up just doing the rest of my head. I'm going to do more time and I'm going to continue down this path that I feel like I do not want to do anymore. I want to change and I need your help. And he goes, I was kind of, I was expecting that call. I was expecting for you to call. And I was talking to mom about it. And he's like, what time, what time you're getting out tomorrow? I was like 8 p.m. He was like, all right, well,

I'll be there. I was like, okay, I appreciate it. Like, thank you. So I guess. So I guess, out and he's sitting there waiting and he's stoic that was the word that I was trying to find a long time ago very stoic and he's he's hard to read because he's he's he's very just he's mellow like it's easy to talk to but that whole ride there it was it was very quiet and he's like you know and it was towards like when we were getting home he's like you know there's gonna be a lot of rules and there's gonna be a lot of things that you're gonna have to do to show and prove us that you're willing to do anything to

get and stay clean, you know. So that's what I did. I got plugged into a support network and people, like-minded people that have the same problems. AA or? I just a 12-step

kind of deal. And I got to realize and see that like I had an old friend from like high school. school at the time he had like five years clean and then some other dude that I used to get

high with he had like three years clean and then another old buddy of mine had seven or eight years and I was they're like on there they have houses and they have like wives now like I feel like I'm so behind on life after doing all this shit like they're they're so far ahead of me and I'm I'm comparing what I'm doing is I'm comparing their outsides to my insides what I'm doing. Like I'm just seeing all this stuff that they have that they have acquired and getting down on myself. But I got plugged in and I did I went to these support meetings and stuff for every single day for there's they they recommend doing like a 90 and 90 but I think I did probably 140 or something every every single day. And then I just kept going. And eventually, like,

like built trust, obviously back into my parents. And after going to those and like really kind of digging deep into myself and realizing my stuff thinking and thinking that I'm so, so unique and so different than everybody else I really wasn't. And that I just, I have a problem that I'm going to deal with for the rest of my life. I just need to learn to keep it at bay. And so that was, that's over three and a half years ago now. So I've been without any substance for over three years coming up on four years on December 2nd. Yeah. You moved to Florida.

I moved to, we moved to Florida a year and a half ago. Never, never moved anywhere else. Never been anywhere else. We were both born and raised in North Pole Fairbanks, Alaska. And at first, like we mostly her. wanted to go to Florida. And she was looking at Tallahassee, and I was like, we talked to a few people, and they're like,

that's just a big college town, you don't want to go there. And then, but we knew that going further south, it's going to be more expensive. And at the time, I mean, we didn't have a lot of money, but we just, we had enough to get the out. And I was like, well, why don't we try, you know, Jacksonville? And then we got there and realized, that it's, I mean, not what it's all.

I mean, it's kind of the hood. It's kind of hood up there. Yeah. So now we're planning our next escape. Yeah. But it was, it's, I was been on probation since I was pretty much 18 years old. I wasn't allowed to leave the state. Right.

I'm a lot. Now I'm 33 and I want to, you know, figure out like, I want to, I want to travel. I want to see what there is out there. I want, I want to experience life because I'm a little late now because I got between all my 20s and everything. And that's that's what where we're at now. That's what I'm trying to do is I'm trying to figure out like where I fit, where I sink in. And I ended up getting my first first year sober. It's called a forensic peer specialist. It's helping people that are incarcerated, find other opportunities, get their insurance like food stamps and try to help them out because

they've never done that shit before. And then I got my CDC one. Chemical Dependency Counselor, Level 1. And that was my main, that's what I wanted to do when we came here. And I had like seven or eight interviews with rehabs. And as soon, like, right after the other, they're like, I want you. We want you. Yes. And they were like, how's your record?

And I told them what's on there? How long ago? And they're like, oh, that shouldn't be an issue. I mean, I'm not a violent, but I don't have violent crimes, no, that shit. and yeah it's one of a few careers where it's an attribute yeah like I mean they want people with lived experience yeah yeah trust me I've lived it like I know what it feels like and then they'd be like well you have to be off probation for longer than this or blah blah blah so what are you doing now right now I mean I work at a performance shop engine shop I'm kind of I mean what my boss calls me is

the conductor I mean I'm just the the service writer the conductor the manager I I mean, I just, I make sure that everything on, we have a machine shop side, then we have a mechanic side. And then so we have an engine builder and then people that do all the machinists on the head. And then I, one of the machinists actually just a few days ago, he was like, hey, we want to show you how to build this? And I was like, yeah, sure. So we do a lot of performance stuff.

And then we do the mechanic, just basic, your brakes, your oil change, whatever. But that's just what I'm doing now. like that's just what's keeping me afloat it's i mean it's it's not what my heart desires right i don't think i mean i enjoy it but it's not that's not my calling right like i i have a calling for something and i still have yet to figure it out that there it is yeah stay at home dad but you won't let me have kids with you yet so well stop taking your birth control So right now, basically we're wrapping up anyway. Yeah.

You're living in Florida. You're, you know, you're waiting out the time for you to reapply and be, I'm going to say drug treatment specialist. What do you call it? A chemical dependency counselor. Yeah, that sounds better than lunch lady. It sounds like what is it like, what do they call them? Nutritional specialist, isn't it? All right.

So that's a good one. That's good. What is it called? Chemical Dependency Counselor. Wow. That sounds important. Doesn't it? Um.

Come on. Just playing. Jesus. Bro, it's, it's, it's difficult. It is. These chicks, you know? Yeah. They're, they're pain.

Really. Yes. You know. So, yeah. Yeah. So, okay. So cool. So you're, you're doing okay.

Right? You're doing good. Yeah. Yeah, I've been doing the clean thing. And I mean, I don't have the want to dive into that world anymore. It's just, I mean, I don't want to say I've grown out of it or something. It's something that you've got to take day by day. I mean, I just want to be better than I was the person that I was yesterday.

Like, I'm slowly, you know, slowly but surely, you know, I'm trying to get my life back on track. I'm pretty sure that I've done, I mean, I'm worlds apart from where I was. When I tell people, like the shit that I've been through that I used to shoot up methamphetamine and my jugular and all this stuff, they're like, I can never see you doing that. There's no way. Like you didn't deal. I was like, yeah, I mean, I got track marks approved. Well, not anymore, but I just, I mean, it's a Jekyll and Hyde kind of thing.

Like it's nobody when I get when I was doing on drugs and stuff and like it mean is a I was a horrible person horrible and I have no no want to to ever be that way again it's terrible really I just I gotcha I got to take it a day by day and I don't want to I don't want to be like that I'm trying to trying to create something with somebody that I love and she's back in Jacksonville oh oh yeah I'm sorry okay go ahead yeah and that's I mean like 33 I mean you figure I feel I feel like I should be getting my shit together and and getting life started and that's you know that's kind of my goal is I I don't want to be in Jacksonville anymore that's for sure I want to get back over to maybe like the northwest somewhere where they can have four seasons and you don't walk outside and instantly start sweating.

Yeah, somewhere up there. Back to Alaska, though. I don't, yeah, I can't do that shit. I lived in Tennessee for about a year and a half. It's nice. Is it? You get snow in Tennessee? Yeah.

Oh, yeah. Not much. No. You know, they don't get much. And maybe only for a month or so, month or two. But, yeah, but it's nice. Yeah. I had a snow pond company while I was in Alaska.

And I mean, shit. I raked in a lot of money doing that a lot. Like all you got to do is have a plow in a truck. That's it. Do commercial and and residential driveways. I think there's enough snow. No. No.

No, that's why I want to go like further, further northwest, like Montana or Utah, Colorado. Colorado is kind of expensive. But. Listen, there's drug addicts everywhere. Yeah. There is. That's why I got to stay away from them. Or you thought you're,

You're supposed to be a counselor. Yeah, that's what I say. Or help them. Yeah. If I ever find a place that's willing to, I mean, they. I don't think that's going to be an issue. I think it's getting off probation. I've been on probation.

Oh, I mean, sorry, the length of time. Yeah. What are the four years? It was six or seven years. Yeah. And I'm coming up on, coming up on seven? Yeah. So I just, I just need to get plugging along.

and I just keep the drive. And everybody that I talked to that I did the interview with too, that's when they said that they wanted me, they're like just don't, just because you have one more year to wait, don't let that fade. Like you have it in you, like you have the want to help people and we can see it and we want that kind of person. We want the person with lived experience that's been through it.

Because nobody wants to talk to somebody that's not an adequate, or hasn't had a drug problem and book read and diagnose them with something or abuse or it's just you can't relate to somebody right that way all right i appreciate you guys watching do me a favor if you like the videos hit the like button subscribe to the channel hit the bell so you get notified of videos just like this and leave me a comment i appreciate you guys watching and thank you very much and i will see you