Matthew Cox | Inside True Crime Podcast - How I Made Thousands At Gas Stations...

Episode Date: June 3, 2024

How I Made Thousands At Gas Stations...

I'd make six, seven hundred dollars on my lunch break in 30 minutes. I had taxis and semis that would call me four or five times a week. There's over five or six hundred transactions. Every single one of those is a felony. When I've stolen a bunch of money from the bank, I'm pretty generous with their money too. Yeah. I was born and raised in North Pole, Alaska.

I felt like I never really kind of fit into the norm. I always felt kind of odd. I'd only had like one best friend. Um, there was just, I felt like there was just, it's hard to explain. I just, there was something different about me that I didn't fit in with most people. I got picked on and stuff and just because I was quiet. And then, I mean, when I had my, my first drink or my first mind-altering substance, how old were you? I was like 13. How does that happen? I mean, my sister always had, had pills or had drugs. I mean, my best

friend at the time, he had a bunch of all the time. And then his parents were kind of, you know, out of town or not really just present enough to notice that what we were doing. And I would drink beer and then I'd smoke with my had like a little Yamaha blaster and I would after I got all hammered and shit, I would drive home and try to avoid my parents and let them know that I was under any kind of influence. But what it did is it triggered something like inside of me that felt like I was like, this is how I was supposed to feel like. Right.

Like just a total addict like kind of personality like I'm an addict through and through and like no matter what it is that'll get me outside of my head to make me feel not make me feel that's the point is right there's too much going on all the time. And the instant that I like I had that stumpsance I was like I can I can talk to people like I'm I feel calm. I have like I can communicate properly and I felt like people like me. so I continued with with that through my high school years I would hide a bottle of Soco behind my subwoofer in my truck and before I'd go into into class I take a few shots and go into class and I'd be like I was cool like I felt good yes you're self-medicating oh yeah it's anxiety it's got to be it it sounds I mean not that I'm a psychiatrist or anything it sounds like it's super connected to anxiety for you it definitely is yeah I was I'm totally uncomfortable with myself if i if i wasn't under a sub under any kind of substance right and there's just it it's it's it's horrible really until until you reach a point in your life where

you're like i'm i need to do something about this like i need to change after going through like going through high school and drinking while going to school and not getting in trouble or anything i was going to say it never caught up never caught up to you nobody ever nobody noticed they just they just thought like Matt's in a good mood, like how I usually was because I was always under a substance. Right. And then after high school, it was like, it was, yeah, right after high school, I had a buddy that I would go to, so in, I went to school in Eilsen, which is an Air Force base because I went to North Pole High and I got too much too much in trouble or just there's things going on.

And I went to Eilsen, so they sent me there. Plus, I had a girlfriend at Iielsen that I wanted to go to Iyerson so I could be with her. Right. And that lasted like two months. So I ended up finishing junior, senior year at Iielsen. And then I had friends that went to West Valley and I would go see them. And then we were kind of into the same substances and same things. And then that's when the thing kind of arose.

Right. And that was in the C, 2009, 2010. And we figured out, like, you know, you can smoke them. You can smoke on tinfoil. And I never in my life thought of, smoking a pill. What are you like, what are you guys doing? And one of one of these particular persons is one ended up being one of my co-defendants in this thing. I did that like off and on for like, you know, a few weeks or then three weeks, four weeks.

And then I just, I stopped. I was back in North Pole, my parents' house. and I started feeling like shit. I was like, man, I must be getting the flu. Like, I just, I don't feel good. And then it dawned on me. I was like, wait a second, I'm withdrawing. I'm going through withdrawals.

Like, what do I do? Like, either I need to go get more or I'm just going to get, I'm going to feel like shit. So I asked my parents, I'm like, just some phony reason. Like, hey, I need $80 to go to fill up my tank, go do this and do this. and at that point in time they didn't I don't think they had an idea I mean there's they didn't have an idea that I was up to something and I went and got the and I smoked it and I instantly feel better so I was like okay I this is it I'm hooked like I I have to do this now in order to function I'm either going to have to support my habit in order so I don't feel sick or just

stop and at that i kind of had the realization like that i don't want to stop because it makes me feel better it makes me feel normal i have no anxiety um do you have a job at this time yeah so i was working at a small engine repair shop also where my co-defendant worked and so we were both i mean we're hooked on the shit and then we'd come to work and like we're sharpening chains and just like i feel like shit and like look over him like you you feel like shit too he's like like yeah we need to get something and then we find a way to come up with money or whatever and we go for our lunch breaks and find one go get high come back to work and put all these engines engines apart together and start sharpening chains and got all our energy back and everything and then he he

ended up leaving because he got a new job at a construction company fairly large construction company in Fairbanks. And I continued just doing my own thing and making money through the, through the job that I had, but then also making up phony lines to my parents, why I need this money. And I need this money. I need this for this. I need this for this. Or my insurance or my gas or like, I want to take a girl out on a date. Like, I mean, how old are you at this time? I think 19, 19 going on 20. And then it came to the point where so my, like, I. said my dad's in recovery so my truck was acting up and we pulled it in the garage and he was helping me work on it and he goes Matt you know I know you're there you're up to something

and I just want to let you know that like whatever you're doing you're going to only end up in three places you're going to end up in either in jail or an institution or you're going to die and then your friends are you're not the girlfriend that I had you're going to lose your girlfriend you're going to lose your truck you're going to lose your job you're You're going to lose everything. And then eventually you're going to lose the connection or your family's not going to want to be around you anymore. And I didn't, it just won't right out. I was like, you're 19 years old.

I was like, what, yeah. You don't. Yeah, you don't know. You've only been cleaning soap over for 15 years. Right. Maybe a month into it. My co-defendant told me that he's getting ready to leave the state because he's got another job from this construction. construction company that he's moving to like a different state or whatever. And he has,

he has a gas car that he's been using to obviously fill up the fleet for the construction company, all the, all the trucks. And then he's, and he's like, I've been using it for my personal vehicle. And then he's like, so I get free gas. And then I've been filling up, you know, my brothers, I'm filling up this person. I'm doing this. Yeah, because they have a ton of vehicles that have to be tough. Yeah. They're not going to notice a slight fluctuation of a few hundred here or a few hundred there. No, because they haven't an entire fleet. And So he didn't ready to take off and he's like, you know, you can have this if you want. I was like, well, yeah, I'll get free gas because then I can save money for my drugs.

But he's like, you know, you could, you know, you can make money off of it. And I was like, well, what do you mean? He's like, you know, I charge people, just blah, I don't know until I'll take 20 bucks off or just like for my friends. And I was like, just that idea, just the idea that he planted. Like, I just took off with it, totally took off with it. I ended up, so I would sit at any gas station. So in Alaska, there's Tesoro's, that's what the gas gas stations are.

And I would sit there, I'd wait in my car and I'd go up to anybody. I mean, usually it's like little old ladies or whoever. And I had like a sales pitch for this gas card. So I'd go out to and be like, ma'am, I have a gas card from the state and I have to use a specified amount of gallons. And if I don't, they're not going to reimburse me these gallons. Just, I just totally made that up the first time that I went up to this lady and I asked. And I was like, I'll fill up your vehicle and I'll take 20 bucks off. Like, if it's $80, just give me $60 cash.

And she's like, oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, of course, because she thinks she's like helping me out. Right. And I mean, I didn't necessarily look like I was strung out on drugs or anything. Right. And in Alaska, I mean, you know, and people are up, like the, it's, it's not hard to miss. Right. And so I kept that little sales pitch and I would go up like, shit.

I'd go from one person, like just right there. And then on the other side, I'd give them the sales, the same sales pitch. And they'd be like, yeah, for sure, yeah, whatever. Like, however much it is, like, I just take 20 bucks off or I'll do this. So just how much, how much cash do you have right now? I'll fill it up. Just give me all your cash. And they're like, oh, all right, yeah, for sure.

And then I'm still working full time. And then on my lunch breaks, I would go do this. And so just in the span of like at a lunch break and talking to three or four people with that little sales pitch, I'd make $600 on my lunch break in 30 minutes. Right. And then on the weekends, you know, that's. pretty much where I spent most of my time and then all of course all this money in Alaska got up to one pill it was two to three hundred dollars for one pill for an

80 for an 80 so yes what is that a millionaire I'm like fucking that's like like 10 15 bucks a milligram yes yes so it was outrageously priced and even me making 800 dollars a day I could get maybe two or three pills right and my I mean my tolerance is already going through the roof so that that's enough to keep me well right and so I'd wake up and just I don't have any energy I'm sick so I'd like then when you're sick and withdrawing and I go up to these gas stations and like I'm just like guy I just need you know like I'm fumbling over my words and shit and still I mean it still worked yeah you give people a reason to do it even if they think, ah, something's up, but if, let's face it, if I get a, if I got, if I get 15 gallons

of gas, you know, they fills up my tank. Like, I don't have to give them the money until after. So, yeah, sure. Let's see what happens here, bro. Right. The card works. It fills it up. Cool. Yeah. Like, you know, if the cop showed up, I'd be like, whoa, whoa, he told me this and that. I didn't know. They're totally unsuspected. They have, they have no idea. Well, I mean, even if they had an idea, at least you gave him an excuse. No, you don't understand. This is what he said. Golly, G. G. G. Are you saying the card was stolen? officer yeah yeah at least yeah to me I would immediately well yeah of other people be like yeah this seems pretty yeah yeah but the way that I said

it and then I mean of course like I said the probably the way that I look probably helped a little bit better too right and so it got to the point where I would have like I was a gas dealer pretty much I would I had taxis and semis so semis I was thinking I would gone straight straight to a truck stop. Because those guys are spending $1,000. Exactly. And that's what I ended up doing. And so they would, I had taxis and semis that would call me probably, you know, four or five times a week. Their semi is like five, six hundred dollars. Wow. And semis, they have to pay for their own gas. And I was like, dude, I'll take $200 off of that, even if it's seven or eight. And

he's like, no doubt. Right. There you go, man. And that went on for. So, So you can be pretty generous when it's somebody else's money. I'm always when I have when I've stolen a bunch of money from the bank, I'm pretty generous with their money too. Yeah. It's easy. It makes you feel good. Yeah. It makes you feel like, you know, I'm doing the right thing.

Yeah, I'm doing you. I'm doing you a great favor while committing a felony. I'm a good person. Yeah. I'm going to get you a break. $200 off. No, no, no. I'm feeling a little generous today.

Right, right. With my employer's money. sorry so okay it's not even your employer no okay no I don't even know who this construction company is and so then about let's say 40 to 45 days later of me doing this I'm back in the shop at the the small engine repair shop that I was working at and my boss comes back and I'm like sharp on a chain and he's like Matt there's a detective up front to see you. And I was like, oh, like, and I was like, me? Yeah. And and, go back and make sure he's got the right guy. Yeah. And that and it's so I when I walk through

and I see him, he's in his suit and he's like, he's got his badge on his hip and everything. He was very cordial. And he goes, hey, I'm here to see you about, you know, he's like, you know. And I was like, you need some gas. That's what I think. I'll meet you down. I'll meet you at the circle case. Since you're a cop, I'll give you a 50% off. 50%. And so he's like, I'm sure, you know, and I tried to play stupid. I was like, no, what do you mean? What do you, what do you hear for? Golly, gee, yeah. And then he's like, I figured you would say that. And then he goes like, they grab his briefcase, plop. It's like this thick, big manila folder. At your work, is your boss there?

Are you in like a back room? No, I'm in the front counter. And your boss is sitting there going, well, boy, you look like, you're in trouble. I don't know what you've been up to. They were hanging out behind, and I know that they were like, they, I mean, they had to know. Like, I mean. Did you ever fill their tanks up? No.

As soon as he said gas, they both turn around a bolt. Yeah. No, they didn't know. They were unsuspecting. And so, like, the counter, the way it is, like, there's the front counter and then you can go over to the side where it's a little bit more personal so we go over there and that's when he plops it out and opens it up and he's like all right so this is you obviously my my face blown up in a picture flips it open he's like here is you getting out of your car filling up this person here is you getting

out of your car inserting the card filling up this person flips it it's just over and over and over and then on the other side he's like so you see all these transactions there's there's over like five or six hundred transactions that you have here and every single one of those is a felony and i was like okay say first of all officer you've done amazing work here yeah you're good job and he does look a lot like me yeah i'm gonna help you find this guy nobody's more upset about this than me yeah I did any theft yeah that's what I'm thinking yeah no shit so you got to be faster bro I know I know I just took it I was like dude yeah you got me like there's there's no denying it and so I was like okay so what is that he's like every time he swiped

it's a felony so I what do you mean I have I have 500 felonies against me right now and he's like well I mean due to the sheer amount that you made within 45 days which ended up being $21,000, he's like, I just want to let you know that the FBI is going to be picking this up because this is no longer a state investigation. Oh, yeah, I thought this guy was the FBI. No, he was a detective. He was just a detective and he was letting me know, like, we got you. Back your bags.

Yeah, we're still doing like our investigation and everything. I'm not here to arrest you, but I just, I want to let you know that the FBI is going to be picking this up. And so I was like, what do you think, how much time do you think I'm looking at? I didn't I was like I was just pale I was a ghost I keep hitting this thing god damn it sorry and like I was just you know pale sweating and after that and counter he's like obviously I'm like Andrew up on you yeah I've got to go through detox yeah I got to go to jail I got to go through detox I'm already shut up right now but so well obviously so he said I'm not

here to arrest you so he's like but obviously you know I'm going to need that card yeah I was I was like, here you go. You can take that. And he's like, I'm not here to rest you. We're still doing her investigation. And so you're going to have to go check in with a pretrial federal probation officer. So I have to go to the federal building. And so I go and meet my federal PO.

And she's like, so you're on pretrial. Okay. So you went from, I mean, immediately went from this guy just asking you questions. he just told you go downtown like you didn't was there a did they give you a they gave you a public defender or anything or no he's he said show up and sign in i think he gave me like like a 72 hours or something to turn yourself in to check in to check in with the with the pretrial because he said that the investigation's still going and we're not going to arrest you yet like so nice they go to alaska like they came in they're like nice to you like they're like nice to you like they

They were. You got 72 hours, you know, I'm sorry what you're going through, buddy. You made some bad decision. Like, yeah, I didn't have, never talked to that guy. Never. I mean, looking back on it, I mean, it was probably, yeah, the easiest way to ever get in trouble. Yeah. And so I go and see my, my federal PO.

And then so we start pretrial. And obviously, I'm still doing drugs. And I'm doing, at the time probably. Did you have to piss? Yes. Oh. Yeah. Yeah. That's not good.

Yeah. So she's like, I'm going to, I'm going to give you U-A's. And I failed the first time, of course. Surprise, surprise. What does that stand for enough? And so you fail, well, if you failed, like, did they, well, they don't, they can't revoke your probation. You don't have to probation. You don't have to be on pre-trial.

You just signed it. You didn't, you just, okay. Yeah. Because, you know, like, if you were on probation, then. Then you're a pretrial. If you've, you're on pretrial, then they, they can. could lock you up for that, right? Can't they lock you up? No, they won't really lock you up. Anyway, you haven't been charged. You haven't been sentenced. You haven't been sentenced to anything.

I don't know. Why even give you a piss test? I don't know. They were, they were trying to clean me up before I went in or something. I don't know. They were trying to give me some rehabilitation in some way. Right. I'm going to get you healthy before they knock your head off. Exactly. No, it's nice. It's nice. It's the right thing to do. Yeah. So I fail it. And she's like, well, obviously. obviously you have opiates in your system. I'm gonna, so you gotta, next week, I'm gonna try to get you to go to like an inpatient program or do something because like, if you keep doing this, we will put you in. We're gonna take you in so you're no longer on pretrial while you're under investigation.

Can I ask you a question? What does your parents say? Like have you told you, you go straight home and say, dad? Oh yeah. Oh, okay. I laid it all out because my they knew I was up to something yeah obviously like I was up to something and they knew like I mean I'm sitting at dinner and doing the nodding out or watching TV and so sleepy I'm working so long yeah yeah I've been working 12 hour days all this gas and

stuff and man people wearing me out wanting gas all the time and so I tell them I was like yeah so cock came and pretty much caught me And my dad, he was like, yeah, I figured you were up to something. So, I mean, what are you going to do? And I was like, well, I don't know. What do I do? He's like, well, I mean, you can try to get clean. You need to do something before to try to show the judge that you're trying to change

and try to make a difference and that you're, you know, they feel some remorse for what you've done for charging this company, you know, over $20,000 and 40 days. like you put it's got which probably ended up having to pay at the most 50 bucks that once they called their what they called the once they called the gas company and said this is all the fraudulent charge someone's been caught then they they write that off immediately and the most they can charge them under the um electronic transfer act is like 50 bucks and they don't even charge them that so they have to reimburse them within like 24 hours so you didn't really cost them anything they did have to make some phone calls I'm sure oh yeah which was agonizing I'm sure I'm sure yeah

and then so after yeah that was that was that was that your dad was saying sorry yeah he I mean he did he knew I was up to something and my mom is she's she's she's very sensitive and she was crying

and I know I know that like I broke her heart and but my dad he's he's not hard to read he's just a very what's the word what is it yeah he's mellow very mellow

I've never seen him angry at all but shit I forgot where I was so he was telling your mom was upset and your dad was kind of like look you got to get clean yeah got to get your shit straight trying to tell and show the judges you're changing yeah and then so I go through I mean I'm trying I'm trying to stop and I'm getting sick I don't have resource there's no resources right in Fairbanks we have one rehab that's it like if I came to Florida there's rehabs everywhere I Yeah, Jesus Christ. But there was only one in Fairbanks, and there was limited bed space, can't get in there for months. So, like, they expect you to, like, I have to keep up my habit for two months until I can get in there.

Is that what you're saying? Like, I like that. That's the drug dealer mentality. So what you're saying is I have to keep my hat. I keep this going for two months. Yeah, until you can. And you definitely don't want to go to prison. I mean, you don't want to get pulled into the holding cell and detox in the holding cell.

But inevitably, that's what happened because I could no longer afford in Fairbanks at the time because then they were becoming so rare that they stopped making them and they transferred. They started making the OPs. And I can't smoke those. Right. Like I want the instant high. I want to smoke them. And so it comes along way cheaper.

You can get it for 40, 50 bucks for a point, zero. point one or you can get like a half a gram for a hundred bucks and it's way stronger or i mean sometimes depending on where you got it and it was like the black tar kind and so i started to switch to that because it was cheaper and the small engine shop still kept me employed thankfully i still worked there and then towards the the end of so i got talked to my the public defender federal public defender and she wasn't she wasn't very nice she she just kind of laid it out on me and told me about the point system and everything and she's like they'll take your childhood you're you mean your petty theft DUI like I had a theft for under $4 like that's a point

and then I had criminal this criminal history you're they'll keep every single little thing they'll bump up your criminal history yeah every single time you've ever been in trouble. So you can have been arrested once for a DUI. You could have been arrested two years later for, for, you know, shoplifting, you know. And then, and now when you get to sentencing, you're at a criminal history level of three. Right. So it's like, so you're already now, you're, you're already instead of having like being at like a level six, you're like a level 13 and at a level eight, you're going to prison.

Right. So you're already done. Yep. You know, no matter what. Uh-huh. So. So, and then after, after, after me. I was just clarifying that so that people understand. Yeah.

Yeah. So even though all those charges are ridiculously stupid charges, it doesn't matter. Every one of those is going to count for more and more months in prison. Speeding tickets even. Right. Yeah. Any kind of, yeah, it's ridiculous. But so she tells me about that and tells me I think I had, I think it was around 16 points

or something. And at the time, I was on state probation. So I had an SIS suspended in position of sentence that was called, I believe, for a forgery that I did. And so as long as I didn't get in trouble for two years. What was the forgery for? I was like for $300 or something. I mean, I was withdrawing. I just found a check and $300.

And I went to the bank that it was. And they're like, oh, yeah. Hold on. Just a sec. Yeah. Hold on. One more second. And waiting for the sheriff.

Yeah. For the deputies. Oh, wait, they're here. They're here. That's exactly what happened. They're like, well, one more minute, and I'm sitting in the drive-through. And then cops come around on both sides. And then, I mean, I was like that I was being an addict, you're willing to do anything at any cost.

Like, I had no regard for anybody's feelings or I didn't, I just didn't care. Like, I just. Well, and your risk versus reward is, you know, vastly skewed because you're like, you're willing to risk anything. to get to stay high because you're in such pain yeah i mean you get to the point where you're you just don't want to be sick that's right it's just the worst feeling it's funny too how all the got how like especially the opiate guys to always describe it as being just like being sick it's it's the worst you know it's it's it's like their bones ache like it's a different like compared like other people that go that i've talked to that go through withdrawals like they always describe it as being like

violently like ill your whole body's aching your bones hurt yeah i was heard i've always heard that like literally your bones yeah you go you like alligator roll all night and like there was a point where i had a cell that was right across in the shower so like i'd be well freezing kind of hot flashes and bones hurt and so i'd run into the shower and i'd sit in there for 15 seconds and then run across to my cell and so get under get under the blanket so i could just finally sleep for maybe 30 seconds because you can't sleep either but that's another the forgery so the forgery you did the forgery you're on state probation for that already mm-hmm and you're on federal probation and you're trying to get into a drug rehab yeah I'm trying to right it never happened now well you

keep failing the UA's yeah and so very unfair to criminals yeah yeah and so I did it just This leads up to, I think it was another six, maybe not even that long, four or five months later. They get up to like the pretrial and then the some court dates, like there's a court date before you're sentencing as like the... You accept an acceptance of your plea. Yeah. You go and you say, yeah, I'm guilty.

Yeah. Guilty plea. And so I... The guilty plea is actually when they... arrested me on the spot but I had a few court dates before that just like I fuck these like like an arraignment like you were crossed you went in your process they took your finger prints they took a picture of you yeah right that whole thing so you were being arraigned they let you out immediately on what on OR bond like you didn't put up any money right they just no okay no yeah

I was never I was never incarcerated until the date of my sentencing yeah and so on that on that day I have right here 221 11th when I was when I was when I was sentence and I go in there and my co-defendant he's already he's already been sentenced he's never had anything on his record so he gets probation because I mean obviously through when I was talking to the investigator he's like I just want to know when when you came into possession of this card and I was like whenever you see it spike like whenever you see it's being swiped every day that's that's me right so like they calculated the differences and everything and and they know it's his card yeah

then he took a plea yeah yeah yeah yeah and he just got probation yeah that was it and so come to mine i i i had written out like a little letter just just just to you know kind of level with him be like you know i'm not an awful person like i'm not evil i'm not i'm not trying to do this to try to just you know, everybody over, like I'm, I have a problem. I'm an addict. Like, I have issues. I'm saying this to the courtroom. I'm saying this to the judge. And I was just, you know, letting them know, like, I feel remorse for what I did. It was, it's awful. It's stupid. I mean, it's just very immature way of trying to deal with my addiction. And I said, I mean, if it wasn't for the, for the case of me being addicted to drugs, this, this wouldn't be.

happening, obviously. And he actually kind of leveled with me. And he's like, I have a daughter that's caught up in that stuff right now. And I feel for you, kid. I honestly feel like you need a rehabilitation more than you need a prison sentence. But due to the sheer amount of money that you made within the 45 days or whatever, like you got to be sent into something. Right. What was, what were they already recommending? What was probation recommending? 16 to 18 months. 16 to 18 months yeah oh okay geez okay from 21 grand yeah it was because all my little priors my little points i don't know why i'm looking at Connor he doesn't he's not going to help he doesn't understand but he looked at me like he looked at me like i don't how am i so i don't that sounds reasonable yeah

but no yeah that that's that's that's outrageous that's ridiculous that's ridiculous yeah i know people have sold a couple hundred thousand dollars and ended up with probation so so it was it's all of your it's all of your your criminal history level yeah okay that's that's what led up to me having to have that much and so and what he said is like you know i have to sentence you to something obviously so i'm going to give you three months i was like three months okay i've never done any any time at the time like i've done three days maybe for driving without a license because at that time driving without a license was a a jailable offense and i had a think i had a DUI or something and And never done any time before.

So he sentenced me. I was doing up to that day. I did, I smoked before I went and got sentenced. And he told me that. And then both my parents there, my mom was crying. And like, I kind of broke down. I was like, all right, here I go. And then they handcuffed me and they put me in a little federal holding cell.

Kind of broke down, bro. I cried like a small child. Dude, yeah. Yeah. Like you could, yeah, I was unconsolable. Yeah. I got a considerable amount of more time than you, but it doesn't matter if it's a month. No.

It's devastating. Yeah, because you're taking, I mean, you're getting taken away from everything. Yeah, yeah. Especially for your first time ever, like you get taken away. And you have to go through detox? You have to go withdrawals. I have to go withdrawals. Good times.

Yeah. So then from there, they send me to FCC Fairbanks Correctional Center. um and question when they locked you up right there in the courtroom they lead you away the marshal leads you away right they lead you down the hallway and then they put me in a little gate right and they leave me there until like until they're ready to transport all right which the federal building to FCC is three miles away but i'm in there for like four hours and just with me in my head and my thoughts and be like oh my god i can't believe i did this i'm so fucking could see but no i'm never going to do this again like this i need to change my life around i need to do

something and finally after three or four hours of me in there bawling my eyes out and fucking beating myself up and saying how much i like slandered my last name my like hurt my parents and all this so many everything goes through your head the most awful things you can think of and they come and come and get me and they handcuff me and go to FCC and then like by that night I'm like I'm already tossing and turning and FCC like there's a lot of people in there that are going through the same shit there's a lot of people that are going through withdrawal so like what's a major problem in Alaska right isn't it at that time okay it was the the epidemic was huge it was really big yeah back in 2010 2011 it was that was the main thing that was the main thing

there was a lot of people doing it and so i get to fcc and i of course i know quite a few people in there because it's just just a small town and they're they're like here this will help take some candy and then you know like whatever anything that'll help and he's like make sure you go take a shower go do this and like everybody knows that i'm going through withdrawals so they're like just leave them alone and let them sleep it off because there's probably in so there's a a wing b wing and c wing and a wing is the the higher higher like higher security and then b wing is like the low level and c wing is the workers and b wing is just like it's just it's disgusting like it's like the kind where you just look down it and there's like

mold and dripping water onto like the cement and all the paints scratched off and it's just it's not very clean right and so yeah i'm kicking for seven seven to ten days before i start coming out of it and coming out of myself and eating kind of socialize and talking to a few guys that I know outside of there but that they're in as well um and then like I start to understand some of the because I've never done time I know that there's certain politics certain things you should do like in jail it it's not the poll it there's no politics in FCC really right at all yeah there's too mixed up there's not enough there's not enough guys to get together to be dangerous it's it's whites and natives yeah that's it so after 20 20 30 days like I'm playing spades you know

playing spades with these guys and I'm eating hanging out I'm like this isn't actually isn't too bad I can do this I can do this for what I'm not I've been here for 28 days I can do this for 70 more this is easy maybe they won't even take me to federal pen or a federal I fcii and then on day 30 I think over the over the intercom the lawn roll it up and I was like and everybody's like oh shit federal here we go and yeah I knew so I rolled it up I mean all I is my blankets and my paperwork so you throw your sheets and your blankets have them been and and so they walk me up to booking so that's it's no longer just the correctional officers i walk over and then there's the FBI so they got there i always know their FBI because they got their

tan pants and they're you mean the u.s marshals yes yeah the u.s marshals yes yeah and so there i think there was maybe two or three i think there's three total including me that we're all federal and we were getting transported. And it's at that time, January, December, February. So it's about February. So it's cold. It's Alaska. Yeah.

I'm assuming it was cold the whole time I thought it was cold. I didn't know. It was a warm spot. There is for about three or four months. Yeah. Other than that, it's cold. So they chain gang us and put us in the van. And then we fly up to this little private airway.

and they put us in the little bush plane and just a little two propellers and so fly us marshals with you the whole time yeah yeah two marshals they were they were super chill comparatively speaking to the marshals that i encountered later so then i fly to anchorage and they i go to the anchorage jail and i'm at the time i'm like where are they just going to am i going to anchorage am i going to stay here like they don't tell you anything i don't know what i'm going to do so and then they put me in some po-dunk cell they put me in a tut little tub like because there's no bed space anymore there's two bunks and then they put you in that the tub pretty much with a mat the boat they call them a boat it's an orange right is it was it orange it was gray

it was gray yeah it's like a it's like a looks like a almost like a what do you what it's like a shallow canoe or something yeah like a like a really shitty low boat that yeah yeah like a trying to think not a canoe like a kind of like a kayak kind of like a kayak canoe kind of thing yeah yeah yeah and then stick your mat in there and then i got some guy up front on on the top that's of course annoyingly snores every damn night and then i got the guy on the bottom bunk that's going through withdrawals himself so i'm on the floor and this guy is in full-fledged withdrawal shitting himself and puking and i'm just like I I dude I need to get the out of here like I'm seeing seeing that in perspective like he was like got to be 50 years old and he's still going through what I just went through when I was 20 years old and kind of put it in perspective I was like dude I'm not going to be 50 years old and going through this shit anymore right no way I do not want to be that dude and I was in there for two two or three days and you were locked in the cell the whole time 21 hour 20 hour or an hour

to lock down so you're just out for breakfast lunch dinner that's it and in there for three days and then yeah they bang on bang on the door the lawn roll it up i was like thank god i don't care where i go anymore i don't want to be in here and i try asking them i always try to ask him like where am i going you know like we can't i can't tell you that and from there there was probably about 10 or 15 federal inmates that were in Anchorage and they

I think on this one so they do the hip restraints to your handcuffs, your hips and then your feet and then they attached you to two other people and then puts you on the bus and then from the bus then we go to the

another private airport or something and put us on the plane and I'm And my public defender said that with the amount of time that you have, as far as you're going to go is Seattle, CTAC. Like, there's no other reason why you'd go anywhere else because you're low, you're low level. Like, there's, that's as far as you should go. So after I was on the plane heading to Seattle, and I'm like, okay. Because there's no federal, you were told me earlier, there's no, there's no federal prison in Alaska.

No, there's none. So I know that's where I'm going. i'm like okay so i can kind of relax this is this my last destination and so i get in there and walk in and it's it was a whole different kind of feeling because it's it's not a jail it's prison jail and prisons are like i didn't i didn't realize that's yeah so i walk in and this this like a big two-tier where you say something i was going to say something this was with a plane no this is all yeah oh yeah sorry um so i yeah i walk in and it's a whole different feel because all the whites approached me they're everybody's like hey do you need anything i like i i do you need

any food do you need it i mean socks do you need any shower slides yeah yeah do you need a toothbrush like i got soups for you do you need kifi coffee exactly what do you bro i got a lock for your locker give me that back when you go to commissariat all yeah yeah yeah and like this it it was so I never experienced something like that it was like I just felt like they're like hey we're here like if you need us it's a support group definitely and then but then I noticed like the other guys that I came with their their race went up to them and did the same thing I was like oh that's that's kind of cool I mean and so I go go to my cell and I'm kind of situating myself and I'm in there with he was

just Mexican I don't know if he was a north side or south side or anything but he was really super chill I think he was younger than I was and he's we have lockers in there and he's got like cans and cans of like Sprite and Pepsi and all this stuff you can have some if you want some and or I was like I don't want to accept anything from anybody that's just I am told you've been told don't accept anything yeah because then they want something they want something back from you Connor yeah that's how that works it is yeah remember that time you know yeah remember that you're going to help me now now uh now I need you to meet me in the shower

Whoa, whoa, bro. It was the seven up, man. It was a can of soda. What you thought? That does not add up. That's crazy interest. I don't get that's crazy interest. Yeah.

Yeah. So I used to say the difference between being in the medium when I was in a medium at Coleman. I was in the medium for like three years. The difference between being in the medium prison and being in the low was in the medium if some guy left a snickers on your pillow, don't eat it. But if they leave it, if at the medium, you can eat it. Because that dude comes and you says, hey, man, you got my stuff? You. Yeah.

I ate your Snickers. I might be in your flocker later. What, what room are you in? Yeah. Because they're not going to do anything in the medium. They're pretty much set. They're okay. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But anyway, sorry, go ahead. But you don't want to do you don't want to take that Pepsi. Yeah. No.

I know. I've heard about you. Yeah. I know what you're trying to do. Set me up. And then, so. first night first night I'm at

C-Tac and just getting comfortable I'm like finally I can this is where I'm going to be laying down I'm starting to fall asleep on my door Lalon roll it up

I was like you gotta be shitting me like no you got the wrong person like are you sure I just got here that's yeah that's what I said I just got here

he's like no he looked at his paperwork he said Lalonde I was like yes that's my last name he said yeah roll it up I was like, okay, I mean, so I don't have anything because I just got here.

And so they put me, I mean, do the whole wrist restraints, put it to your hips, put it around your angles, blah, blah, blah, lead us all out to this shittiest plane I've ever seen. Like, I swear there was duct tape holding this thing together. Yeah, yeah, they're not, it's not Delta. No, no, no, it's not even like, like what it's fair. it's not even spirit like that and it's just a plain gray just there's nothing on it yeah and the stewardesses are horrible no they've got shotguns yeah yell at you the whole time yeah yeah they're they won't let you go to the bathroom nope if that lights off or not you're not going you just piss yourself yeah because you're probably sitting in a seat yeah that's been pissed in multiple times

probably yeah yeah it's good stuff they're i mean fairly fairly nice so i get we all get situated to get on the plane. And we're all sitting there. And then the pilot goes, oh, I think we're having a problem with one of our engines. So we're going to have to, you know, everybody's going to have to get off. We're going to have to try to do this again another time. That's what you want to hear. Yeah. Yeah. Especially when you're all restrained and getting ready to fly to under another state. Could you imagine if something happened? Do you ever see that one plane? I hate to say this, but if you remember that one plane that I don't know what it was at DC, whatever, it actually like the top of the plane blew off. And they lost one of the, one of the stewardess.

flew out like if you were chained together with like five other guys and one guy goes out like you're all going out like anal beats like you're like even if even more if you could hold on the other guys are going to be flapping around hitting the yeah the fusel lodge on the outside yeah we're a pretty strong guy you'd probably be all right I'm I mean I try my best so anyway I'm sorry go ahead so the plane's not good what an imagination you have so the captain said listen there's something leaking out of one of the engines we don't feel good about this Yeah. So, anyways, so we all, we're all getting off and then go head back to the, to the, to the anal penis. That's what I always thought of when they would chain me to the guy in front of me.

I was always like, we're like a bunch and we're all in orange. Like sometimes you'd be, or you'd have like the paper dresses that they put you in. And I'd be like, there's like, there's like 12 orange guys in orange chained together. And I would always, for some reason, I always thought, you know, anal beats. I don't know. I'd once seen some anal beats, you know. I knew someone and and you know they were they were you know and so I saw you know and they were they were orange yeah that's all I'm saying don't don't judge me I'm not I mean okay okay

got that covered it's we go back in and into the pod and everybody's like oh shit everybody's back blah blah making fun of us like and then that night the one of the white guys he approached me he's like hey we're making a spread for all the white guys like I've never had any like real food right since being in it was always just like what they gave us and so like in the in the federal institution you can you can order a lot of shit you can order i mean pretty much anything food wise or drink wise and he made us like not this big plate of nachos with like sliced up sausage and put jalapinos and cheese and yeah what was it a little chubs yeah yeah chubs and then the squeeze cheese and all squeeze cheese and all that and he just had it for all the white guys and that night I was like man this is awesome I guess it was pretty cool like it and then that night again so this is my second night bang bang on my door again the lawn roll it up

four in the morning yeah I was like okay the owl I know this time where I'm potentially going and we all get on there get situated there's another problem there's another problem there's another problem yeah we're all gonna have to uh on the plane you got on the plane again mm-hmm like you'd figure that they would check the plane before you get on the prisoner on there but yeah yeah it goes to show where our our government money is going we all fucking get off the plane again and now and now the pod's like really laughing at us they're all are in and shit and making fun of us and I was like yeah we're back here we go like yeah yeah can we get some more matches um then third night of course same thing

repeat like I was expecting it I wasn't even trying to sleep I was sitting like this like on my on my bunk waiting for him and the lawn roll it up same thing we all get on the plane and and then pilot doesn't say anything so we start rolling back and I'm like oh and here we go finally going somewhere I'm gonna die take off everything seems pretty kosher and and then they're then they give you two day old sandwiches and a little box of juice with your hip restraints and yeah they want you to eat them like this like you're you have to scoot up the chains heart just enough so you can reach down it's it's

comical watch you drop something it's just gone it's like comical watching like the hardest dudes like tattoos everywhere buff and like they're just struggling to try to eat their little sandwich it's just I saw a few guys are like that I'm not even going to try and then we land I don't know where we where we landed until until I got off the plane because I was like this is I mean I'm in Vegas I can see the Chris Angel pyramid I can see the strip I like this cool I'm getting all my vacation spots checked off around this because later I found out that they're moving me because of limited bed space whatever that means but that's why they were moving me around and so

they put you on a bus again and we're driving through I drive through the strip like I'm on a bus. It's like, oh, this is cool. I'm looking at everything. I've never been to Vegas. And you still really haven't been, being in the prison transport on the way to prison driving down the trip. It's not really being to Vegas. Yeah. I mean, I was in the location of. So, I mean, I didn't get to experience, of course, real Vegas. And then we'd drive past it. We started going through like this desert like where there's absolutely nothing. And we.

pull into like it just it looked like like an army base because you can't you can't see the fence like it's all the the ground is above the fence and everything so you have to go around through where the gates are until you actually can see the prison and then it's a it was a a privately owned federal institution called it was just perump fc fci i and never never heard the place it's so i guess it's a it's a holding or a transport like facility i guess i have no idea why they sent me there but that's where i know who owned that facility was it like cca i i have no idea because there's a bunch of private there's bunch of private companies that like there's cca there's is it global and they where they they build private prisons and they they house uh federal and state

inmates yeah yeah i i just it i was obviously brand new because I mean paint was all everything was brand new and they put us all in the little paw, little holding cell and they're doing their little classifications and stuff and finally get out of my cuffs and I think I'm wearing my so in CTAC they give you brown you're wearing your brown and brown and I'm wearing my shower shoes that's all I got and and and there it's the yellow jumpsuit so you got to go through I got a you got to change out from your from my C-TAC clothes you got to go through your whole inspection and do you I'm sure you know yeah yeah yeah that's real fun yeah yeah the bend over squat and cough yeah yeah yeah

lift up your sack yeah let me see what you got in there yeah yeah that's fun and then they they gave you your your yellow jumpsuits and then I I turned the corner and I've just it was huge like I could I couldn't see the end of it was this one big long haul and they assigned me to a pod so and I walk in it's just it's literally it's you don't have a cell there's no cell it's just it was like probably a open bay yeah it was like probably like a 60 by 60 yeah just with lines of beds and then one big TV up here and then you have one two three four five tables so there's all your beds and all the little shitters with the with the divider that's probably this high so you can look to the guy next to you taking a shit and say hi no or masturbating yeah that's he's mastering

sometimes they'll bring in some some lotion yeah yeah you know yeah you make sure you keep your blinders on whatever you're doing you don't want to look over ever or sometimes maybe you do maybe you say tom what do you look at there come on stop it cox you know what I'm doing what you doing what's all that noise you eat macaroni yeah's going on bro worry about your damn self and can I read that later is that is that the one with what's your name in a yeah got to hear my cox so we're and I go into this one and I'm not approached like by the white guys this time like this is just a big dorm and so I find out this is where I'm at and where my bed is and I'm in Nevada I'm like what I'm like thinking I'm

like how much time do I have left like I bet this is okay yeah half your sentence has been to transport yeah like I'm at this point I was like I think I have probably 50 days left like you could be putting me in for halfway house no yeah and so I find my bunk and then eventually to like talk to so I mean he was white because obviously he was a skinhead had a bunch tattoos and blah blah and he this place was super politicky like he he was he was he let me know. This is where I learned where there's the Norteinos and the Sirenos. He's like, okay, so you can associate with the South Siders, and you can tell that they're South Siders because they have a shaved head. The North Siders don't, but some of them do. I was like, how the hell?

Is there a manual? Yeah. I was like, how do you expect me to, I was like, you know, I'm, how about I just don't associate with any of them? Then I'll be okay. And then he's like, and there's there's this one guy he's mixed he's he has a white mom and a black dad so he is he's mixed so he runs with us so i just want to let you know that like that's that's what we're doing around here because the pod i think there's 10 11 white dudes the rest of them were north side or south siders or blacks and how many people are in the unit total probably 40 or 50, I want to say. Listen, 40 or 50, if 10 of them are, that's like 25% white guys.

Yeah. Yeah. And so. What's so funny is in prison, like having this conversation, like, you can't have this conversation in the real world because in the real world, like, it's funny. You go to prison and it, like, the black guys can be right next door, right next to you. you say, listen, let me tell you about the black guy. Don't talk to.

And they're right there. You're like, you know, you just get off the street. You're like, bro, bro, there's a black guy right there. Like, what are you saying, bro? Yeah. And then, you know, and it's like such an issue in prison. And then you get out. And you still have the mentality.

But it's the exact opposite. Yeah. But it's the exact, you know, it's. And it was so funny to people out here, like, you know, you know, racism and prejudice. They're like, this is not racism. No, you have. No idea.

No idea. No idea. No idea. But, so he gives me that a little bit of the lowdown. And then one morning we get, it's like waffles or pancakes and little apple slices for breakfast and they give you like a little spoonful of peanut butter. And the white slash black guy, the mixed guy that ran with us, he was allergic to peanut butter to get nut allergy or something.

And he's like, here, you want mine? I like, I can't have it. I was like, yeah, sure, I'll take it and put it on my waffle or my pancake, ate it. And then, like, a couple hours later, the, that white dude that first talked to me about the politics and everything in there, he goes, so I saw you took some peanut butter from what's his name earlier. You know that I should beat your ass for that. How big is this guy, by the way?

Because basically, did you tell him you're like a tourist? Like, I'm, I'm on vacation. This is a couple of months for me, bro. This is in my life. Yeah, he knew that I was like, this is my first time, obviously. Well, and that's your short time, right? Yeah. Let him know, like, I'm on in a week.

I'm on my way out. I've been on my way out since I got in. And that's what he was like, that's what he said. He was like, so, but since I know you're new here and I know that you don't got much time, I'm going to let this one slide, I was like, oh, thanks, buddy. Yeah, yeah, thanks for that. Like, I mean, he wasn't. At that the time, I mean, in 2010, 2011, I mean, I was a lot smaller.

I mean, he wasn't. I was going to say, you're a pretty big guy. Like, how big is this guy? Yeah. I mean, at that time, he was a lot bigger than me. Right. Yeah. Like, I think after the withdrawals and everything I started eating, I was maybe 140, 150 pounds.

Oh, shit. Yeah. And like, I can't imagine you at a buck 40. Like, yeah, I was, I mean, I was strong out. You're probably what? It's 170 now, 180? No, I'm pushing almost 200. Oh.

I think that was like a hundred ninety three. Well, it would have been a different conversation. Yeah, at 200. Yeah, if you said that, I would have lifted him up by his neck and threw him away. I'm much more polite to people that are 200 pounds. Yeah. No shit. And then, so yeah, that happened.

And I was like, okay, well, all right, I think, thank you. I understand, sir. And then I was there. I was at Perump for maybe. maybe a week or two and they had you could go outside whenever you wanted but it was just like a fenced in area so there was the pod and then you could just walk out to maybe a 15 by 15 uh obviously gated just you could just go out there and chill like there wasn't enough to play handball or anything it was just to just to go outside and me being from Alaska like I

didn't get that much sun so I'd just go I just go and sit like kind of in the corner and just sit there and soak up the sun and all the guys like oh hey look at alaska just i'm like yeah leave me alone just i'm just soaking up sun i don't have anything else to do i'm out of here like i what and then yeah about a week later over the pa again lalonde roll it up i was like it were the else could i possibly going now like i i'm i'm pushing under 40 days now like i've been to two well, if you count the from FCC to Anchorage from Anchorage to C-Tac to C-Tac to

Perump, I mean, I've been to four different places already. And I roll it up. I'm like, okay, where are the, I'm going to go now? And then I think this time, let's see, I was in Vegas.

So I, we took a bus this time. They didn't fly me. We took a bus all the from Perum Nevada and then I ended up arriving to Sheridan, Oregon FCI. And

that's where I did the remainder of my time. And in FCI or in Sheridan, it was three man cells and you have to go there

first, you have to go into the classification pod. And at that time, I think I had 35 days left or something so they didn't they couldn't classify me to put me into where I was supposed to go right because most guys stay in classification in that pod for a week and and in that classification pod you're on 21-hour lockdown same thing lunch I mean breakfast lunch and dinner and three-man cells and first couple nights they were they were pulling people out and be like okay you're going here

and then you're going here and then i'd get a cell to myself and be like oh this is nice and then until more came in and then so in in sheridan they give you of course when you get there i'm in another yellow jumpsuit but they also give you a a jacket with a hood because in that particular pod or that that federal detention center it's it was it was just cold in there and i mean they give you jackets and because you can go outside, too, and it has a hood on there. And there was one morning, they pop the doors, and it's breakfast time, and I have my jacket on. Everybody's wearing their jackets, like, and a lot of them put their hood on, and that doesn't

matter, but I'm sitting in line, like shuffling, you know, waiting to get my breakfast, and I'm shuffling, and then I hear a CEO say, hey, take off your hood. and I was like I know there's plenty of other people wearing their hood so I didn't pay any attention to it and kept going hey do you hear me take off your goddamn hood and I kind of like look back and I look I was like I know he's not talking to me that way like I yeah he is I know and he was and I was like I'm I'm not gonna I don't care I'm at the point I was like I you can't

can't talk to me that way I just no matter who you are like I've just that's just how I felt like I just it just it got got me I was like just and so he came up and grabbed me on the shoulder and I said did you hear me he said take off your hood and I said I don't go of who you are you're not going to talk to me that way to say hey can can you can you take off your hood like why do you give us a jacket with a hood if you don't want us to wear the hood and he he said do you know you know who was asking you to do that to take off your hood. You know who was asking you to do that? That's the warden. And I was like, okay, what does that mean? He's like, well, you're disrespecting the warden and the warden told you to

take off the hood and that's insubordination. And I was like, I shut the, like, I don't care, the warden was, he was like a five foot two little Mexican dude and he's yelling at me to take off my hood. He was like, all right, well, take him to the hole. So I get sent to the hole for wearing my hood on a jacket that they give you. for no reason so i get sent to the hole and i get it's i mean the hole is that's a whole different place there's i mean there's people screaming i mean it's loud it's very loud and then i learned that i mean after being in there like for the first day you you only get to shower three times a week when you're in the hole and they bring it to you they bring the shower to you while you're

in the hole okay well i mean i've heard of those that's that every Every institution is different. Yeah. So it's on like wheels, right? Like they wheel it to you. Yeah. And you only get three showers a week. I mean, obviously you're in the hole.

You're not allowed to do anything. And I went in there with some dude that I was by myself for the first couple of days. Then they moved me again. And then I get into this cell that's withdrawing from coffee. Withdrawing from coffee. Yeah. Because he's, I mean, he said he would drink those little instant packs. that you get, little blue ones.

I think he said he was going through like three of those a day. And he's just laying in bed with the migraines and shitting himself all the time on the toilet. And like, it was horrible during that. I mean, but when he was sleeping, like, I had time to, it was actually kind of peaceful in a weird way. And being so secluded, it's weird what your, what your mind can adapt to so easily. like you understand i've done your entire sentence in the shoe yeah really i did 45 days one time i mean i know guys have done six months oh yeah you know yeah but it's but it's but it's insane that how what your mind can just it just makes it okay yeah yeah no you can adapt to any i mean pretty much anything

yeah and it's i felt i felt comfort and solace and and being alone all over the time yeah like i was like oh this is nice and then i started writing i started doing like just just writing my my life story and like what i've been through and like i i started having like you know i did maybe i should you know make an audio autobiography or something or right right a memoir a memoir yeah because to me i mean it's to me it's a big story to other people i mean it's it's it's it's small but like to me it's i went through a lot of shit And after I got, I was only in the hole for a week, I got back to my, to the, the, um, classification one. And there was this, this older dude that I, like I talked to him here and there and like, I like to listen to the radio, of course.

And he's like, I got an extra radio if you want to use it because I know you're only going to be here for what. he's like two more weeks. He's like, you can keep it. And I ended up having a sell to myself for the remaining three weeks, I think, that I had there. And they started the breakfast, lunch and dinner hour. And then between those three hours, they would let you out for a half hour. So you got, I was on 20-hour lockdown instead of 21. And I was while. And I was I was just walking around on the tier, and then I had this, this, this, I think he might have been a north side or I'm not sure, but he had like a big, big tattoo of like, you know, like the Georgia bulldog or whatever out on his chest. And he was, and I'm a lover. Yeah.

Yeah. And he just, he loved to talk. And I mean, I like to listen. So you just, we just walk around and he'd bullshit and we talk and then blah, blah, blah. And then the old dude, he was doing my laundry for me. like he was just because he was a worker in that facility so he was allowed to be out the whole time yeah a lot of guys will do that just to be able to be out of the cell like yeah it's it's your time goes so much faster if you're working and you're just laying in

your fucking bunk the whole time yeah and i of course was i hated reading before i went in and then i ended up reading you know a bunch of books while i was in there and and then i would listen to the radio and I had this, the window was probably about this big, probably about three feet tall and I'd just sit down there and listen to my music and you can see who's coming in from where I was. You could see all the new arrivals and everything and then towards the, I think it was my second to the last day, the guy that I was walking around with that I would talk to all the time with the big tattoo. I mean, he was pretty, it was pretty, pretty big, scary looking dude, but he was, he was funny. Like, he's like, hey, you got a new

celly. And I was like, oh, I was like, come on. I almost had it. I almost had my cell to myself the rest of the time. And I walk in there and it's this, this pudgy little, just white dude never been in, never been in trouble in his life. He got got caught for embezzlement because he worked at a bank. And he got like 48 months or something. The first time, never seen jail. He was petrified. He was so. scared i walked in there he's like hey is it okay if like if i put my stuff here because it's a three-man cell there's two bunks right here and then there's a there's a single bed and of course i want the bottom bunk i was like you can you can sleep on that one i don't care you can take the top

i don't give a shit and we're not a blast with that guy so i what i did no i had to be like said they raped you yet so the dude that i that i was walking around with he's like you want me to with him. And I was like, dude, oh yeah, okay, let's see it. Let's go ahead. So he walks in there, opens the door. He's like, hey, man, you owe me my money. You got my money. I know you stole my money. He's like, backing up. And he's like, no, I swear, I swear I didn't do it. He's like, I'm just with you, man. And I was, and then I grabbed it, grabbed that dude. I was like, all right, that's enough. He's going to shit himself. And I was like, so this is my, I'm getting out tomorrow. I'm going to give you all the, you know, the rules and regulations of what you should

shouldn't shouldn't do and he's like all night till like 12 one he's like well what if I what do I do I do this or who do I talk to or where can I sit or like I was like just keep to your own man like just you know you don't want to get in a car you don't want to do any of that shit like you don't want you don't want to get involved I can tell by the way you look and what you're doing I don't think your soft is gone yeah yeah and hard like me baby. See? Not running that place. Right, like you're in the last one. Oh, man. So, and then that morning, they're getting ready for release. So they, I think it was like

8 o'clock. And it was like a female CEO and she was like, so she's like, oh, Matthew, are you ready to go. I was like, yeah, let's get the hell out of here. And they give me, and she, you're damn right. I'm ready to go, boo. Say no more. Yeah. Sorry. And so they give you, I didn't have any clothes. So of course, you get your gray sweatpants, your white tea and your fake, fake chucks. And I think I got $120 that they gave me. They gave you $120? Yeah.

They got to fly me back to Alaska from Oregon. What? Huh? But you said they gave you money, though. Yeah. They get, yeah, it was their fair, not farewell, but it's like, it's gate money. Gate money, I didn't get any gate money.

I didn't get any gate money. I didn't get gate money. I got a good money. to you bro that sucks for you then my god was anybody putting money on your books when you were locked up like your parents putting money on your books or no not so much i mean they did sometimes but they they my mom of course wanted to talk to me and i i couldn't because she just would break down every time she's just i just want you to do better i hope you can make it my dad just he's fine yeah just let the kid do his time you'll get out and figure it out

And then so I get out and walking out and I can hear everybody banging on the windows because they can see me walking out and I go to this to the van and he's wearing like prisoner or oranges and I was like are you you're my driver? He's like yeah, because it's a camp. So like I had just I had no idea that they would let a prisoner drive me 30 miles away to the airport. They put jazz on a bus and let her driver or go to the. The other, like they gave her a voucher, her and a bunch of girls. They got to go hang out for a couple of days and showed up at the prison when they wanted to. Not really. I mean, they had a time today to be there. But they hung out.

They went on a bus. They, where did you stop? Atlanta? Atlanta. Tennessee. We stopped in Nashville. No, they caught a show. I'm joking about the show, but still.

One of a couple bars. Ridiculous. Wow. Yeah, I just, I didn't have any idea that they would have. You fuckers had a different experience than I had. There was no gate money for me. Yeah. Nobody gave me a bus ticket.

I'm going to love to ride the bus. You got. Jesus. And then before I went in, I was a smoker. So I was like, he's like, do you want me to stop anywhere? I was like, yes, let's go get some cigarettes. And I bought a pack of cigarettes, bought a lighter, took one drag and coughed my ass off. And I was like, okay, well.

I'm over that. Oh, yeah. I don't want to smoke cigarettes if I'm not smoked up on opiates. So that's gone. And then I get to the airport. and they had like they haven't like a Nike shop in there and I was wearing my white tea and they gave me the money and I was like I want to get a black Nike sweatshirt so I don't look like I just got out of prison and then I got some Burger King and then got on my flight yeah I got on my

flight and they told me of course you need to report to your federal probation officer within 24 48 hours or something and I report and And they, as soon as I get there, the, my federal P.O. that she was assigned to when she saw me, because she saw my federal, my inmate card and, like, I had my head shaved. And she's like, I was, honestly, I was really worried about you in there because your picture looks really bad. Like, you look like you were having a very hard time. I was like, I mean, and I was, but I mean, not really. She's like, so are you doing okay? I was like, yeah. What are they give you for a PO? My PO was constantly going to throw me back in prison. She needed my guts. They were the, I mean, probably the nicest POs that I've ever dealt with. You could just go to Alaska, you guys.

Oh, my God. And then, yeah, I report to her. And she says, well, of course, you need to get a job when you do this, blah, blah, blah, blah. Check in once a month. And I did, I had five years, five years of federal probation. did not up once did did absolutely like the last year she's like or last almost two years she's like you can check in every every four months i think she's like can check in every four months and you don't even have to come in just call just call and check in because i was i was passing all my

piss test i was working i was doing everything right passed all my piss tests i had to take a a year worth of of of criminal behavior modification classes with a with a psychiatry once a week for an hour while I was every twice a month being pissed tested I didn't even have a drug charge geez god they man I'm still off federal probation it's been three years I just got denied I tried to get off early you know they said now they're holding a grudge it's resentment is what it is there they're still they're irritated they're up I'm six million but it's you know they're holding it against me but anyway I could see why

you're a vastly different experience yeah so and well okay you know this like giving you like hugs and they you're okay yeah Jesus yeah they there was only two of them and they were both females so it was like it was yeah it was long hair blue eyes didn't you know that that that probably went a long way with them I'm sure yeah it did they she was she's pretty attractive too anyway I hope she doesn't see this um So I did that. I finished it without a hiccup. And that was five years. And then I lasted about one year off being probation. So at that time. You lasted one year? I last. So what does that mean? Hold on. Hold on. I lasted one year after being off probation without up again. So I mean like relapsing. Yep. So I relapsed. And during those four. five years, I was working at a very, very good business. I had a truck, a car, a place. Like,

I had two, like, two vehicles up my own place. And I was doing very, very well for myself. Like, I felt like I was like, I did it. I, like, I told myself when I was walking out of out of Sheridan, like, I'm never going to touch that shit ever again because it ruined my life. Like, I have this stain on my record now, and it's going to haunt me forever. And I was like, I'm going to do everything within my power to try to turn my life around. And I did it for five years, and I thought, like, I thought I had it licked. I thought, like, you know, I did it. Like, I came out.

And that's the funny thing about addicts is, like, I mean, you, one change of thought. like, and you're done. And so at that time, like I said, I think it was like six years, I had my own place and I woke up one morning and I had my closeted mirrors and next to my bed and I like I swung my legs over and I just, I just have this distinct memory of like I looked at myself and I just said, I'm not happy. like I have everything that I could possibly want materially but I don't have I feel unfulfilled there's there's a hole somewhere and I just I just said it literally I said it and I was like

I'm on a mission to go find whatever I can find and get high because I'm not happy I just I want to feel happy I there's something missing and that within that day of course I found and within the first week um i found the needle and then i started becoming becoming an intravenous user and then within the second week i figured out i can mix meth in the same syringe and then put that in my vein holy shit that was that's the best feeling i've ever had and within I would say a month and a half to two months of me shooting meth and into every vein that I had in my body. I had no money again.

My car went to shit. My truck went to shit. It came to the point where I was having to steal shit and then no gas card. No more gas card. So I had to figure out some other way. so I would go to like empty like construction sites and steal all their tools and then pawn them off and do or trade them for for math or whatever and I had I had there was a construction site where we took a bunch of stuff and then there was this this it was like a heater that like when I went when it's under construction in Alaska. They have these big huge heaters that you can put it under under the like under a tarp and it'll heat the entire place. And we didn't have a place to put it and it was me

and two other people. And we just, I put it on the top of his truck with no, no, no straps, no nothing. And I just went down this. We went down the street and hopefully it didn't roll off. And we put all the tools and everything inside my house. And I brought a bunch of stuff to one of my dealers. I got like three grams, three or four grams of and a couple grams of meth for just these tools. The guy's running a pawn shop. Pretty much. Yeah. And then some of them I took to the pawn shop as well. Under my name, like I just didn't give a shit anymore. Like I'm going to get caught eventually. So let's just do it let's get it over with that's that was my mindset like and and within yeah like I said after about two months I had three or four cops banging on my door with a warrant and they

I opened it like I was still like halfway out of it I woke up on my couch like with I think like a needle still stuck in my arm and opened the door and they like grabbed my arm took me out and put them in the car and started searching my house and found all the tools and all this other shit and booked me back into FCC and then they charged me with the mix for which is like in possession of drugs a burglary two and then a theft two so I ended up pleading out to the the theft two and so that's going to be that would be my second felony I was looking at just state though this is state now yeah and I think that she told me I was looking at three years I was like I did I made $21,000 and I went to the

feds and they gave me three months and I took three thousand dollars worth of construction construction stuff and I'm looking at potentially three years and so What they did is they did two years, one suspended, and then four years probation. I did, so the state prison in Alaska is Goose Creek. And that's state and federal prisons. I mean, they're vastly different. Yeah, vastly. And then so in Alaska, you don't have a bunch of Mexicans or anything running around.

It's a lot of whites, blacks, and natives. and that's it and in goose creek you're allowed to wear whatever you want as long as you have one article of yellow clothing like if you you can wear your jeans you can wear the shoes that you came with you can order your shoes off east bay or whatever you can get you can get all kinds of shit a yellow t-shirt yep or you just put on a yellow hat anything but then i mean if you get nice shoes you're going to get jump for your shoes like i've seen i've seen guys getting jump for their shoes time. It's ridiculous. I won't wear nice shoes. No, and I didn't. And not for long. No. And so while I was in that prison, so there's, if there is like one long stretch right here.

And then this is in the middle. That's the yard. And then right here is like A, B, C, D, E, F pods. And come like breakfast time when they announce it you have to go from your pod across the cross the yard at six six o'clock in the morning at 30 below and every like you have to sprint to go to go get your breakfast like it's it's horrible how much time did you get though three years they did two years once two years one suspended so and then with good time you do eight months okay I didn't understand that yeah so I was there for for eight months and then still I mean that was that eight months isn't that's not that long you get into your routine you started going to the gym they had a track and then like you I had a little a couple friends that I hung out with I mean

it was all the time that I did it was easy I mean I learned in state like okay and and in in Goose Creek you have a card for your door like it's It's only your card that opens your door. So you have your own cell? Well, you have one cellie, but you both of you only have the lock or the card that unlocks your door. Right. Like a hotel room. Pretty much.

And then you learn because you have a glass window. That's probably about five by five that you can see into your cell. And I learned very quickly. You don't want to look into people's cells because you don't want to see shit that you don't want to see. Right. And yeah, I learned that real quick. And then, so I ended up getting a sally that had a TV and that he worked all the time. A TV?

Yeah, he had a TV. In prison. Yes. Dude, I'm telling you, you guys need to go to Alaska. I like, what the hell? I don't. Wow. Yeah.

He had a blue jeans, tennis shoes, and TVs. Mm-hmm. Jesus. Okay. But it's cold. It's cold, yeah. yeah i'm not i don't i'm not good with the cold no no i mean either but i'm not good with the heat either bro no it's just as miserable with here no i i thought i was trying to change my tire and i was

like i was dripping in sweat and then hannah she was like you need to stop like i'll take over from here because it looks like you're about to die jess works outside all day i don't know what she's thinking no the first job that i took here was landscaping oh that's ridiculous And I got heat stroke twice the first week I was here. I don't like walking from the front door to my car. Dude. I mean, if you walk outside in Alaska and it's 40 below and you walk out, your face just freezes. It just 40 below.

I can't even imagine. It takes your breath away. Like in your face. What 40 away. What 40 below is. I don't know. I've never experienced anything like that. I don't recommend it.

I, yeah, I wouldn't do it. But like it's. Yeah, you walk out and your face freezes, and then if you're out there for too long, like your lips will start to like, it's just, it's so weird because your lips will get stuck and then it gets harder to talk. And it's, yeah, it's not fun. But then comparatively to walking out here and now, like, I'm instantly sweating. Yeah. It sucks. Anyways.

State prison. State prison. Your key. He worked a lot. I think he was in the kitchen. And so he'd go for for two hours at breakfast, two hours at lunch, two hours at dinner. And so I'd sit there and I'd watch ridiculousness. I'd sit there and watch the reruns of ridiculousness every single day.

And then I would go, they had a gym. They didn't have any free weights. So it was all cables and pull up bars and dip bars and. There's no Nautilus equipment in federal prison. There's no free weights. There's nothing. But none of that stuff. No.

There's no, but I mean, in federal, there's no, no, like, equipment. No. You guys, because we had free weights and machines. You were a camp. Yeah, camps. Camps because, yeah, I saw the entire, like, layout of the gym when I was coming into Sheridan on the bus, and I saw it. There was, like, free weights, a bench, everything.

So unfair. You're, you're, you're burglarizing places. She's running a, uh, a, uh, a meth ring. I filled out some paperwork. I was in there with guys. I was in there with serial killers and shit. I used to have, I used to have, I used to have lunch with a guy that killed like 11 people. Yeah, I mean, but I'm sure he was a really nice guy. He was, well, yeah, it was nice to me. Yeah. He was old now. He's pretty much feeble and not able to kill me. But I'm sure he would have, there were times he wanted to kill me. I saw it in his face.

Yeah, you could tell. So yeah, anyway. I met a lot of really nice murderers. No, yeah, no. And they have a low recidivism rate, too. One of the road lowest, like they almost get out, almost never do it again. Yeah. I mean, almost. It sometimes depends on, yeah. But the, yeah, like I said, watch TV, go to the gym. I would at the last month, I would say that I was there, I got, they pulled me over to

is like the booking side and there had me sign paperwork they were going to send me to a halfway house in Anchorage and I go to the halfway house in Anchorage and I end up getting on the utility maintenance crew so the maintenance crew has the top level of the halfway house which is like the pent suite

the penthouse suite because it has a big screen TV as a couch and then you have three different rooms and you get your own room and the guy I had nine guys in the half. I was the only white guy with with, with eight black guys. I was the only white guy in the halfway house in my room.

There were nine people in a room. I bet that was uncomfortable. It was, it was uncomfortable. I used to listen, I, and the cops, when they would come around to count, they would be like, Cox, you okay? You okay? I'd be like, we need some diversity in here, you know what I'm saying? And, you know, there's never any diversity. It's kind of dark in here.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Then, so I go to the halfway house, and then I realize that they have a lot of Suboxone in there. And I'm clear. You've got a problem. Dude, yeah, you think? And. My God.

And so they, then I found a guy that had meth and they have Suboxin. And I have two or three weeks left at this halfway house, and they call me down for UA. Oh, yeah. Why would they do that? Yeah. Don't they know? God. I just, I just, I wasn't, I just didn't, I accepted the fact that I was going to be just like

this career like criminal just, oh, just a repeat offender. That's, that's what I accepted my life as being. Like, I'm just, you know, I have no worth anymore. I have, I have no, no desire to, I just, I feel like everything up. I, how old were you? During state, when in the halfway house, When I was an halfway house, I was, so this was in 2016, 17, 18, so I was 27. Oh, yeah, 27. It's too late to turn your life around at 7.27. You might as well just kill yourself. Yeah.

What is going on? Anyway, Jesus. I mean, try starting over at 50. I spit on that thing. Yeah, you almost got me. Jesus. Yeah. Yeah, that's, I mean, it just, you give a feeling of being just so defeated.

It's just, oh my God. Okay, go ahead. Shut up. You're 27. Yeah. He's like 27, 5 foot 10, blonde hair, blue eyes, good looking. I mean, oh my God. My is over.

Obviously, I have some confidence problems. I, I, okay. I hear you. I hear you. and hard for people that aren't addicts to understand like there was okay there's just there's one I have I have I have I have things I deal with I mean I'm not I do like it's hard to look like this it's hard like life's not easy you look like this like you know people if people constantly women call you all the time it's you know people want to just give you money people just you know I mean it's hard to look away from mirrors I have issues yeah I have an addiction mm-hmm sorry go ahead I hear you there was there was one story that so so I thought how you thought this is going to go but I love this is funny this is fun there there was uh she she asked me she was like so why didn't you like when you would get your drugs why don't you just wait till you get home she is the girlfriend

then I'm telling us too yeah okay well because these guys don't know that there's a girl there's a girlfriend over here that looks like she just got off a got off a got off boat from Norway. Yeah. Blonde hair, blue-eyed, fair skin, very pretty tall, whole thing. She's yeah, Viking. Viking. Yeah. Yeah. So I, she asked me that. She's like, why don't you just wait until you at home until you did your drugs? And like to, to somebody that's not an addict, like, yeah, that makes sense. Yeah. But to an addict, you're like, once you get your drugs, you've want it now. You're going to do, I'm going to pull over and I'm going to put it in my jugular vein. Like, that's, this is how I was wired. That's how I am. No, that's how that's how that's how. That's how

That's how, you know, all of them are like that. Yeah. And it's like they're like to pick up the drugs at the, at the drug dealer's house and can't make it the four miles to get home. No, no, I'm doing it right there. Then, yeah, it's okay. Anyways. That was that one. Yeah.

So halfway house, failed the UA. Failed the UA. And I was like, so when am I going to go back? She's like, honestly, I don't know, probably another week before we can get you process. And I was like, oh, that's cool because by then I'll have two days left. Yeah. so that'll be the plane flight there yeah and back yeah so they it was it was literally like six days later they're like okay yeah you need to go back since you failed your UA so I go to

Anchorage are you serious for two days I go to so stupid I go to Anchorage jail for two days and so I thought that I was going to get like a I thought they were going to give me shit what's it called just like a write-up like where they could take away your good time right Yeah, so I managed to, they were, they were going to give me a write-up for failing the UA while I was at the UA or at the halfway house. But they suspended a Senate. You said they suspended a year or something like that? It was two years, yeah, two years, one suspended. So can't they now give you that, or that's if you commit another crime, not a failure of a UA?

No, no, they could take away my good time, though. Okay. So, which I accrued good, I had never got in trouble. So they could have been like, oh, well, I'm going to give you another seven days. But I beat the paperwork out the door, so to speak. So like, they were getting ready to process and be like, hey, you know, you got in trouble for getting failing your UA. And, but I beat it out the door.

So I walk out of Anchorage jail. And I get a plane ticket. And then I get back to Fairbanks. And no gate money. no gay money this time no nothing and i didn't have i didn't have anywhere to go i i mean at that point i i had really had no contact with with anybody mom and dad no done no they didn't they didn't trust me i mean obviously yeah yeah with all the shit so i walked to from the airport there's there's a a friend of mine luke that lived pretty close there and i mean i just walked up and he was like

well you just got out of jail didn't you i was like yeah and i don't i don't have anything i don't have the clothes on my back and that's it i was like can i like try to reestablish something here can i stay with you he's like yeah it shouldn't be a problem and still after still going through all this shit i still wasn't ready i still didn't come to the realization that drugs are up my life and that I had a problem. So I'm on four years of probation now from my second felony, state probation. And now in the story or now? In the story. Yeah, I've been off state and federal probation for a few years now. And I'm staying with him and I get a car from somebody and then I met somebody in jail that got out at the same time around the same time I did and

I saw him and he looked like shit and obviously he was on drugs and I asked him where he can get it obviously and I just it's totally absolutely insane to to think that like I I can continue to do what I was doing and make something of myself. Like, I'm just hurting myself. So, like, I called my mom, and she met me in town. It was after I got out of state prison. And she was crying. She was happy to see me and everything.

She's like, you know, I wish I could take you home, but we just, we can't. Right. We can't right now. You need to figure it out. um and it took after so the way that alaska's uh probation is you get your first ptr petition to revoke probation you get three days your second is five days your third is 10 days after you get your fourth you can get up to the rest of your time so after my first two weeks of being out i already had my first PTR for a failed UA and then second one I was like out of area or something I

wasn't where I was supposed to be right the third one I was walking down I think it might have been University or Airport Road and it was still like probably 20 30 below and And I had found a truck that I was, I had keys. I had a lot of keys that I acquired through. You found a truck. I found, well, I was keeping an eye on a truck on this, in this parking lot that I may or may not have been able to steal. And that my idea was, is that I'm going to take this and I'm going to take to my dealer.

And the pawn shop. Yeah. Pawn the truck. On the truck. Yeah. And UA.F. It's a university of Fairbanks police. They stop, put their light on me, and they're like, are you the lawn?

And I was like, what are you infamous? No. Like, my PO, dude, she bless her heart. She was, she really wanted the, she was really trying to help me, and I just didn't want the help. I didn't, I was a maniac in my own head, and I didn't, I didn't want anybody's help. I was committed to just getting high. Everybody else, my life's not worth living. Like we were joking about earlier, but that's how I felt.

So this is my third probation violation. So I'm about to, if I get one more, I'm going to get the rest of my time. I'm not trying to do another. You're like I'm done with this shit. And. Are you? I'm, yeah. You know, it doesn't sound like you are.

I mean, it sounds like you want to go back Yeah, okay, I hear you And so they pick me up And I'm on doing my 10 days And then on my ninth day I call Are you still staying with your buddy? Yeah

Like he's still, you keep going to jail Coming back, sleeping on the couch Yeah That I'd be like, bro Done It's your shit I know

It's in bags Yeah He but unfortunately I mean he's been through A lot of the same shit that I was And like He he helped but I mean also in the same sense he was also enabling me of course

right and on my ninth day I had this old native dude he had um revolver tattoos on each arm and then he had like his feather tattoos like up here and he had really long gray black hair like really like hardcore what you would if you think of a native that's what he look like, super skinny. And I was talking to him and he said that he knew my dad. And he's like, your dad, you know, he kind of, he saved my life. I was like, what do you mean? He's like, he saved my life by showing me that there's, there's more to life than, you know, just drinking or drugging your life away. And he's like, what would it take? What's it going to take for you are what are you willing to do to to get clean and i was like at this point anything anything i

will do anything and he's like okay well remember that remember you're willing to do anything to get clean and so i call i can call my counselor to go to go upstairs so i can use their phone because it's my ninth night night they're about to get out and they need to know where where are you staying yeah where you're going yeah what's your address when you get out what are you going to do? And I told her, I was like, I don't have anywhere. She's like, well, you got to have something. So I call my dad. And I was like, dad, I, I'm at the point in my life where if I get out of here, I'm going to overdose. I'm going to die. I'm either going to die by overdose or I'm just, I'm going to do something else stupid and I'm going to end up just doing

the rest of my, I'm going to do more time and I'm going to continue down this path that I, I, feel like I do not want to do anymore. I want to change and I need your help. And he goes, I was kind of, I was expecting that call. I was expecting for you to call. And I was talking to mom about it. And he's like, what time, what time you're getting out tomorrow? It was like 8 p.m. He was like, all right, well, I'll be there. I was like, okay. I appreciate it. Like, thank you. um so i get out and he's sitting there waiting and he's stoic that was the word that i was trying to find a long time ago very stoic and uh he's he's hard to read because he's he's he's very just he's mellow like it's easy to talk to but that whole ride there it was it was very quiet and he's

like you know and it was towards like when we were getting home he's like you know there's going to be a lot of rules and there's going to be a lot of things that you're going to have to do to show and prove us that you're willing to do anything to get and stay clean you know so that's that's what I did I got plugged into a support network and people like-minded people that have the same problems the AA or I just a just 12 step kind of deal and I got to to realize and see that like I had an old friend from like high school at the time he had like five years clean and then some other dude that I used to get high with he had like three years clean and then another old buddy of mine had seven or eight years and I was they're like on there they're they

have houses and they have like wives now like I feel like I'm so behind on life after doing all this shit like they're they're so far ahead of me and I'm I'm I'm comparing, what I'm doing is I'm comparing their outsides to my insides, what I'm doing. Like, I'm just seeing all this stuff that they have, that they have acquired and getting down on myself. But I got plugged in and I did, I went to these support meetings and stuff for every single day for, they recommend doing like a 90 and 90, but I think I did probably 140 or something every, every single day. and then I just kept going and eventually like built trust obviously back into my parents and after going to those and like really kind of digging deep into myself and realizing

my stuff thinking and thinking that I'm so so unique and so different than every everybody else I really wasn't and that I just I have a problem that I'm going to deal with for the rest of my life I just need to learn to keep it at bay. And so that's over three and a half years ago now. So I've been without any substance for over three years coming up on four years on December 2nd. Yeah. You moved to Florida. I moved to, we moved to Florida a year and a half ago.

Never, never moved anywhere else. Never been anywhere else. We were both born and raised in North Pole, Fairbanks, Alaska. and at first like we mostly her wanted to go to Florida and she was looking at Tallahassee and I was like we talked to a few people and they're like that's just a big college town you don't want to go there and then but we knew that going further south that's going to be more expensive and at the time I mean we didn't have a lot of money but we just we had enough to get the out and I was like well why don't we try you know Jacksonville

And then we got there and realized that it's, I mean, not what it's all. I mean, it's kind of the hood. It's kind of hood up there. Yeah. So now we're planning our next escape. Yeah. But it was, it's, I was been on probation since I was pretty much 18 years old. I wasn't allowed to leave the state.

Right. Now I'm 33 and I want to, you know, figure out like, I want to, I want to travel. I want to see what there is out there. I want to experience life because I'm a little late now because I got between all my 20s and everything. And that's where we're at now. That's what I'm trying to do is I'm trying to figure out like where I fit, where I sink in. And I ended up getting my first first year sober. It's called a forensic peer specialist.

It's helping people that are incarcerated, find other opportunities, get their insurance like food stamps and try to help them out. because they've never done that shit before and then I got my CDC one chemical dependency counselor level one and that was that was my main that's what I wanted to do when we came here and I had like seven or eight interviews with rehabs and as soon like right after the they're like I want you we want you yes and they were like what's how's your record and I told them what's on there how long ago and they're like oh that shouldn't be an issue. I mean, I'm not a violent, but I don't have violent crimes, no, that shit. And yeah, it's

one of a few careers where it's an attribute. Yeah. Like, I mean, they want people with lived experience. Yeah, yeah. Trust me. I've lived it. Like, I know what it feels like. And then they'd be like, well, you have to be off probation for longer than this or blah, blah, blah. So what are you doing now? Right now, I mean, I work at a performance shop, engine shop. I'm kind of, I mean, what my boss calls me is the conductor. I mean, I'm just the service writer, the conductor, the manager. I mean, I just, I make sure that everything on, we have a machine shop side, then we have a mechanic side. And then so we have an engine builder, and then people that do all the machinists on the head. And then I, one of the machinists actually, just a few days ago,

he was like, hey, we want to show you how to build this? And I was like, yeah, sure. So we do a lot performance stuff and and then we do the mechanic just basic your brakes your oil change whatever um but that's that that's just what i'm doing now like that's this is what's keeping me afloat it's i mean it's it's not what my heart desires right i don't think i mean i enjoy it but it's not that's not my calling right like i i have a calling for something and i still have yet to figure it out that home dad but you won't let me have kids with you yet so well stop taking your birth control so right now basically we're wrapping up anyway you're yeah you're you're you're living in florida um you're you're you're you're waiting out the time for you to reapply and be i'm

gonna say drug treatment specialist what do you call it a chemical dependency counselor and lunch lady like what is it like what they call them nutritional specialist isn't right so that's a good one that's good what is it called chemical dependency counselor wow that sounds important doesn't it um come on just playing jesus bro it's it's it's it's difficult it is these chicks you know yeah they're they're they're they're paying really yes you know so yeah yeah so okay so cool so you're you're doing okay you're doing good yeah yeah I've been doing the clean thing and I mean I don't have the the the want to to dive into that that world anymore it's just I mean I don't want to say

I've grown out of it or something or it's it's it's something that you got to take day by day I mean I just want to be better than I was the person that I was yesterday. Like I'm slowly, you know, slowly but surely, you know, I'm trying to get my life back on track. I'm pretty sure that I've done. I mean, I'm worlds apart from where I was. When I tell people the, like the shit that I've been through that I used to shoot up meth and hair up into my jugular and all this stuff, they're like, I can never see you doing that. Right. There's no way. Like you didn't deal. I was like, yeah, I mean, I got track Marks approved well not anymore but I I just I it's a Jekyll and Hyde kind of thing like

it's nobody when I get when I was doing on drugs and stuff and like it mean is I was a horrible person horrible and I have no no want to to ever be that way again it's it's terrible really I just I gotcha I got to take a day by day and I don't want to I don't want to be like that I'm I'm trying to trying to create something with somebody that I love and she's back in Jacksonville oh oh yeah I'm sorry okay yeah yeah and that's I mean like 33 I mean you figure I feel I feel like I should be getting my shit together and and getting life started and And that's, you know, that's kind of my goal is I don't want to be in Jacksonville anymore, that's for sure.

I want to get back over to maybe like the Northwest somewhere, where I think you can have four seasons and you don't walk outside and instantly start sweating. Yeah, somewhere up there. Back to Alaska, though. I don't, yeah, I can't do that shit. I lived in Tennessee for about a year and a half. It's nice. Is it? Yeah.

You get snow in Tennessee? Yeah. Oh, yeah. Not much. know they don't get much yeah and maybe only for a month or so yeah but yeah but it's nice yeah i just i had a snow plumbing company while i was in in alaska and i mean shit i i raked in a lot of money doing that a lot like all you got to do is have a plow in a truck that's it and do commercial and and residential driveways i think there's enough snow no no no no that's why i want to go

for like further further northwest like montana or utah colorado color was kind of expensive but listen there's drug addicts everywhere yeah there is that's why i got to stay away from them or i thought you're supposed to be a counselor yeah that's what i say or help them yeah if i if if i ever find a place that's willing to i mean they don't think that's that's going to be an issue i think it's getting off probation i've been on probation oh i mean sorry that the the length of time yeah how was it four years it's it was six or seven years yeah and i'm coming up on coming up on seven yeah so i just i i just need to get plugging along and i just you know keep the drive and everybody that i that i talked to that i did the interview

with too um that said then when they said that they wanted me they're like just don't just because you have more one more year to wait don't let that fade like you have it in you like you that you have you have the want to help people and we can see it and we want and we want to that kind of person we want the person with lived experience that's been through it because nobody wants to talk to somebody that's not an addict or hasn't had a drug problem yeah and book read and diagnose them with something or be or it's just you can't relate to somebody right that way all right i appreciate you guys watching do me a favor if you like the videos hit the like button subscribe to the channel hit the bell so you get notified of videos just

like this and leave me a comment i appreciate you guys watching and thank you very much and i will see See ya.