Matthew Cox | Inside True Crime Podcast - Inside the Mind of a K*ller (What Nobody Will Tell You)

Episode Date: May 12, 2025

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He's on his knees, saying his prayers, and when you do it, you grasp this concept, right, that we are all born into a collective tunnel of normality. For some reason, you realize that we're all human. We all understand in this tunnel. And then when you do something like this, you're extracted from that tunnel. And you know that there's boundaries that are never meant to be crossed between human and human. Then I was extracted. I could look into the collective tunnel,

but I can never be a part of it again. My father was really abusive. He was in church, so that religion played a huge part in our family, you know. My mother... He was religious, but he was abusive. Yeah, religious. He would, he would, he was, they were the type of dudes to go to church on Sunday, beat your ass on fucking Sunday night.

You know what I'm saying? Yeah, my mother was. kind of crazy too man because she would be the type that you know would get beaten up and then when we would try to stick up for her she would kind of come at us sideways for trying to stick up for her it was just weird you know what I'm saying do you have brothers sisters how many brothers I'm the youngest of five brothers the brother that was close the closest to me when he was two years old he was playing in front of a pot of boiling water and he was out there playing with it and and I guess something happened.

The handle was protruding from the kitchen and it kind of just spilt on his head and it peeled back his skin. He ended up paralyzed. From that accident? Yeah, so the burns ended up coming to his skin. It paralyzed them. Yeah, my whole life, I was feeding him through a tube.

But he was my best friend because when there was nobody to talk to, I would talk to him. You know what I mean? Right. That was my road dog. That was my best friend. So when I was eight, he ended up passing away on me. Is this from complications of... Complications of his situation.

Right. So when my brother passed away, we said, sued the hospital he uh passed passed the way in uh we ended up suing them for four or four point something million and my family ended up getting paid but my father wasn't alcohol my father left us he left us for two or three years and he came back without nothing and so we ended up in like um it's common you know what I'm saying like 90% of the lottery winners end up broken three years you know it's just you he called this bro because and he's an alcoholic that's not good he got in a car wreck crash underneath a semi called my mother and he had like a cane in his back so he had like a whole kilo inside of the back and he got stopped and he was

worried about that kilo being found inside of his trunk I would be worried about it too That seems justified. That seems like a reasonable concern. Yeah, that was why he called us. That's the only reason he called us. And then my mom was like, well, he really must love us. You know what I'm saying? All right, mom.

But yeah, man. So, yeah, we ended up going there, right? I was 10, 11 years old. But my father was the type of guy to get drunk with us. Like, you know what I mean? Like, here, son. and have a drink or two, you know. I ended up drinking a lot, man.

At the age of 11, now I was already an alcoholic, you know. Are you still going to school, I mean, or just periodically? There was, there wasn't really school, man, because I was, like, moving from house to house. I couldn't even read, bro. You know what I'm saying? Like, I was moving house to house. During that time, yeah, my mother, she tried to want to live. me um these were all things that i carried into my adulthood you know what i mean so my mother

tried to want to lie me because she was going through some things like my brother just passed away and stuff like that and uh there was one moment that shaped my life completely though man and this is the moment that i think i blame not blame but had an impact on my entire life the victory of my entire life you know what i mean and this moment was like when my so my father usually beat my mother you know what i'm saying but this time was different they were in the room he was you know beating her up usually she screams but this time i couldn't hear her scream no more like her screams out and muffled um so we walk in the room you know um actually my brothers heard it and then they kicked down the door and when they kicked down that

door um like my mother's sitting there on the floor like my father's on top of her he's choking her with one hand um the other hand has got his own shit on his fucking hand and he's smeared it on her face um he's naked you know what i'm saying and i remember that i was seven years old and um i'll never forget the way it felt to be paralyzed to be like to feel fear encapsulate your entire being you know um like to be paralyzed by fear that was the day that i declared war on fear i made it mission in my whole entire life like i couldn't talk i couldn't speak i was shocked like my hands were shaking like tears years were coming out my eyes and shit you know but um that was the day i think where i actually had a

relationship with hatred because hatred was my number one thing she was my she was almost like like a mother figure to me you know what i mean like like was anger um i think that situation played a huge role because from that point forward um i declared war on fucking fear you You know what I'm saying? Like, I made it certain that nobody would ever instill fear in my heart again. You know what I mean? And so whenever somebody would try to talk shit or something like that, you know, that we would handle it.

And I would do whatever I had to do to confront the situation, you know. 11 years old, at 12 years old, I was homeless. I was sleeping on the streets. Well, I had a home. I didn't want to be at home. Right. So I was like couch surfing. and shit you know um i ended up sleeping on the bleachers of my school and that's where i actually

met my wife she was she was walking the track she she came from another home she comes from a family that was uh that was a family like like a real family you know what i mean um i was actually sleeping on the bleachers and that's how we ended up having a conversation and stuff but she goes hey man what's going on with you like what you're doing out here you know what i mean and so i started talking to her we ended up talking but it was so strange because i'm this kid coming from shit and she's this person you know what i mean like she's got a mom dad family and shit like that those those those those those were things i never had you know um how long i mean do you at some point like what are you doing for you know i mean i understand you're in survival mode but what are you

doing for money are you burglarizing houses are you pretty much okay i'm out there yeah all right i mean we're out there is it drugs robbing still in alcohol robbing people um purses purses purses were a thing so we would go in a go into cars still like speakers and uh like the radios because back back the day there was like flip faces you know so you you can smash in the car break the wires and tear out the whole thing and get like 20 bucks you know what the man 20 bucks at the at the swap meet and shit you know so we used to do that um that pretty much continued until i was 14 had 14 i ended up still in still in some beer and i was still in beer my father just beat my mother and i was angry um and i ended up stealing some alcohol from like the next door neighbor's store

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he said it had it in it was it was it was no it was it was it was it was like a smart mart or something like that you know what i'm saying um so we walk in there it was an agent store um so we go in there I still beer come out I ran out we still the 12 pack we ended up going back still another 12 pack and my father still hasn't

arrived so we were actually waiting for my dad I wanted to serve him up I wanted to beat my dad's ass you know after that the third time we kind of just walked in there

and I take out a knife and I walk in I pull out the knife and I walk in grab the beer I walk out and I was 14 what does the guy the guy say

I mean he comes out he sees you like this this whole time has he seen the other thefts he's seen the other thefts he tried to try to chase me but even if he did try to chase me

I think he understood that I wasn't stopping right he did try to call the cops but the third time I walk in there and I'm kind of just grabbing this is stupid right

because i'm sitting there i know he's going to call the call the cops right um yeah but i didn't really care you know um i go in there grab some beers whatever it is and then come out and um he ends up saying some something like yo take it all take it all uh that's what i remember him saying and i end up taking taking that knife out i had a uh utter fly knife so with the butterfly knives and that yeah the switch blades that come out really quick and uh yeah that's what i had and then i ended up getting um armed armed robbery in the first the first degree well when did the cop show up they i i i i got got completely away from the whole crime two months later I'm out there stealing car stereos and then the cops catch me and then they hit me up

and they tell me that they're going to charge me with armed robbery one where were you on yeah they got warned for your rest for the other thing right they just hadn't caught you yet exactly exactly so I ended up doing like two years in where in juvenile JDH so McClaren nice place yeah That's a fucking beautiful place, man. Listen, so from my understanding, the juvenile facilities are typically harsher than, like, you know, than a lot of the prisons. Yeah, what's so crazy, right, is that there wasn't, like, like, the politics, like prison politics. It was like, every kid was fucking crazy. Like, they wanted to fight.

You know what I'm saying? And every kid wanted to fight. So it wasn't like prison where there's rules, you know what I'm saying? like where there's like all right bro you can't touch that guy because the homeboys got that dude yeah so you can't touch him or if if you're in the in the same gang like you can't navigate you can navigate safety exactly in prison that you can't navigate when every single kid's ready to fucking jdh you can't do that you know what i mean because the kids were like fucking boom boom boom boom they were scrapping you know what i'm saying they were the gladiator

schools right gladiator school i watched the kid get dropped he was he was he was he was he was this kid it was like so when they shut the dorms at night right there's one guard there has to be two guards in order to open open up that cage and go go in the go in the dorm so that was the time the kid chose to actually fight because he he knew that there had to be two guards and nobody's coming so they would have to actually escort somebody in the dorm like to actually stop it this dude picks up a kid drop body slams them on a fucking

on a bed so the bed has like four points right it's like an old bed like those beds beds with little uh i forget it's like a little uh springs springs or springs or each bed has like four points

it's like these little square pieces well this kid dropped them on top of the fucking spring fucked him up bro like that shit like went right through his back you know what I'm saying um that's the type of shit

that you see see when you're in there you know what I mean yeah when I got out I was 16 years old so that's that's what I went through at 16 you go back home are you on probation or went back home

went back home shit that let me back home and then when I went back home I really didn't want to be at home you know what i mean at that point everything was a struggle i didn't have a job couldn't there was no school there was no reading you know what i mean there wasn't shit so i was just stuck at that point um that's when we started to sell drugs so what i mean how does how does that happen like who who comes to you and says hey this is the way to go or here's what we can do and this

so we started slanging man when we were kids man we started slaying so we ended up robbing some people so they had some and then we ended up robbing those people um got some ounces and stuff like that selling ounces like to everybody so so we started to make money from that and then we started to find a plug and then that plug that's what changed our lives is that plug so we found people coming back uh back from mexico is this just for green green and cane okay so we started off with green uh we started ended up man that one moment where we actually did that it started moving from like uh ounces to like pounds and then it started moving to like hundreds of pounds um we were pushing like 200 250 pounds a week you know what i mean and this is and you're

still where you live in i'm at my mom's house at her apartment but at that point we ended up ended up finding our own apartment yeah because because of the money that we were making after the green came the cane so we started selling cane and we were pushing about like five or seven so we started to remove those keys

and we would take these duffel bags full of cash fucking bags that were huge you know what I'm saying just a thousand dollars in each slip you know what I mean he ended up having a lot of that stuff but uh it was he was he was a good guy

it's not like like the guy you you know that's that's this mafioso dude that looks crazy or nothing like that he was just a humble guy he would come and we would give him the car keys eat some food give him the car keys and he would take the car right bring it back really quick and the car was full and then we would take those keys back and then hop in the car let's go back home

and then when next next next you know we open up that trunk and that trunk is full you know what I'm saying he would he would he would never trip about like a hundred grand he wouldn't even trip about a hundred hundred grand bro he was like oh well because sometimes you know but sometimes people would would get popped you know what I'm saying uh 20 grand 40k here right and um usually give you a chance and we would have to have to call them up and he would be like it is what what it is i feel like he made a lot more money from us than than we ever could lose you know what i mean does he give you like an opportunity to make

it up or he's just yeah yeah for sure no he gave us chances he always he always gave us chances he was like well look at this this is this is your account this is how much you got um instead of cutting us off he would always hook us up with another chance yeah i you know i interviewed lots of guys i've written several stories and and they're like you know they'll you know usually get a pass especially if you can prove somebody got busted then they're like okay it wasn't even a pass though like he was like a genuine friend he would come to our house and kick it like when my mom and stuff and hang out with us you know what i mean like he was he wasn't like this like you always hear stories like oh if you don't got this and this this is this is going to happen where i'm

dropping a bat of acid exactly exactly it wasn't like that at all you know what i'm saying he was more like uh we were best friends kind of thing you know what i'm saying and if something happens it happens to the to the to the both of us and he would often use us as kind of like the muscle as well because you know he knew who we who we were and how we roll with you know what i mean were there any like people getting grabbed or anything like that that uh did you ever get robbed or So when I grew up, bro, in the streets that I grew up in, people get robbed and arrested all the time. Every single day, murders.

I mean, man, my best friend, he was only 15. I looked up to him. He ended up smoking two dudes. You know, he smoked in point blank, boom, boom. But that's just where we come from. like the backyard was a dungeon you know what i'm saying like this is where we come from you know what what was the reason for that um he ended up getting jumped so they're walking down the path some shit like that somebody else ends up trying trying to hit him up you know what you claim

and and we and we didn't bang so we weren't like gang bangers right but other gangs seen us as a threat because we were a group of kids that were very violent and very fucking aggressive So these other kids ended up hitting them up. And then it was NKT, Nightmares Come and Show. That's who we were. We were the ones that tagged things up and stuff like that. The Nightmares Come and Shoot. And that was the thing like back in the day, you know, he ended up,

these dudes ended up hitting him up and they beat him up. And a week later, he caught up with him. They go back and find him. Yeah, behind her Ross And just smokes them both Like two brothers, you know He got like 75 years Sheesh

But like the robbing The chaos The type of violence We would do shit just to do it Bro, you know what I'm saying? Yeah, so now I'm 16 years old 17 years old making money I mean

I didn't want to be violent at that point i just love making money but also with money comes the arrogance you know i don't know so we ended up getting caught for selling so i ended up getting caught at 18 years old i um for drugs yeah how'd that happen drugs yeah i ended up getting caught with 20 grand 25 grand or something like that i was i was me and my brother i told my brother i didn't want to leave the fucking hotel room my brother's like come on just one one more drop one more drop take the money he wanted to go to a strip club or something so we're like all right i'll take the money right so we ended up going over there um we ended up getting stopped pulled over he ended up taking like a

wrong turn or something like that and we pulled in at the dairy queen and and we seen the cost behind us you know what i'm saying uh as soon as we head out I see the cops. I dodge and duck. I grab my backpack and I take off. I take off to an adult shop and flesh the green. Right. Like in the toilet.

And I stashed the cash. I don't know. Like the toilet, like dispensers, you know, those, like those one things that you put on a toilet paper. Yeah. Did you grab the toilet? Yeah, right there. open it and if there's this much toilet paper or whatever there's a pocket okay so so the pocket i stuffed it in with 20 grand right and i left it there and then i left and as soon as i walk out

called the cab cops are just like get on the floor get on their floor and this is just because you ran not because they were they did it was just a fluke this is just because i ran this is just because i ran and then they ended up searching that spot at the adult shop and then they ended up catching that money and they came out and started high-fiving each other and shit you know and they put five thousand in evidence and they said and they said $8,000 they found me with $8,000 that's what the the report say right $8,000 I know for a fact I had like 25 fucking grand there

I told him, bro, you could take the whole fucking thing, man. Just take it, you know what I'm saying? I don't give a shit. I had like $75 grand at home. You know what I'm saying? I can tell you, I mean, who cares about that? I mean, guys, I've met in the federal system, you know,

they'll kind of like convert money to drugs. Yeah, yeah. And so, like, if you're caught with like half a key and they catch you with $25,000, that half a key, the weight ends up being, now it's a key and a half because they know for $25, you can know a key, so they just add that extra key. And, you know, which is fine.

That's just the system. them. But what's funny is how many times I've had guys like they'll get pulled over and they search them and they have they got 25 let's say you got 20 grand in cash. And they're like, look, if I convert this to to wait, then you're going to get a mandatory minimum of 10 or I can say I only caught you with $8,000 and you'll get the five year mandatory. And they're like, but I can't have I can't do that and have you saying you got caught with this and guys will turn the 8,000 in, turn the 8,000 in it. That's all I had was 8. Okay. That good. Good. You know, because you just saved them five years for 12 grand. He just saved five years and you're not getting that fucking

keep it, man. Like, really, like you could have had that for your family with like whatever. You know what I'm saying? In that case, the guy feels like the cops doing them a favor. Exactly. That's how I felt, right? Because the 25 grand, I'm thinking, dude, he fucking took. I don't know how much you know what I mean but he took a good chunk and these were G stacks bro so we had like a like a pool table full of G stacks so we'd have a pool table and this is how we would we would count the money up before we took it took it to Santa Rosa right so we had G stacks the whole whole way through across across the fucking shit the pool table so we have like a hundred grand stack it up throw it in a bag another hundred grand throw it in the bag

And we had artillery like a son of a bitch, man. We were fucking pushing, bro. You know what I'm saying? I loved like, like pew-pues, you know? Right. I love pew-poo's. I love pew-pues. That was my thing.

I'm TikTok, so we call them pew-pues. You know what I mean? I'm TikTok. Same thing. Yeah. Yeah. Horrible. It's horrible.

It's horrible. You can never tell a full story with the full thing. Yeah, you have to self-reduce. regulate yeah yeah self sensory exactly man like uh so so so so we do the tic talks oh and guys i want to say right now i love my followers um gender's ratchet fucking emily uh michelle uh michelle unicorn old school candace foster i love you guys so much you guys are awesome what is the the pdx pdx that's portland brother oh okay i don't yeah we come that's porlin airport no we didn't know that that's that's that's portland airport city of roses yeah what's the

what's the what does it say at the end of the bottom of the shirt this says okay from hopeless to focus all right so so i thought that was a million minds i thought that was the name of the channel maybe yeah old school mom hey i've had these followers from ticot they hear hear my story bro des right like changed my entire life i mean just craziness like you don't even know the amount of appreciation went from fucking the shelter bro to doing this god's been good to me my man i i understand god's been so good to me there's no words man there's no words bro like i'm fucking i'm a dude that came from the shit you know i always feel like if you just if you do the right thing then god tends to clear the path for you does that make sense it's kind of weird how it works right

You start working just much easier than probably, you know, you suffer more in your mind than in reality, but people are afraid to try and try and do the right thing. But if you start doing the right thing, then it just comes, it starts coming easier and easier. And things start, good things start happening. What trips me out right? Is that like? Of course, some people get cancer and die. But still, for the majority.

Come on, Matt. Really, man. Damn, man. I'm saying. most of the time it works out most of the time no so like what i trip out about right is that like not only are you doing something for somebody that's messed up but like somebody that committed the crime that i committed um i have no words for that like i don't know why people would see me worthy um would care about me because honestly i i've done some heinous shit man you know what i'm saying

well I mean like my life is dark bro people people like redemption they want to think that people can change most people don't but if they do change then people feel they should be rewarded so you know you you got to think it's in in a way and it feels it feels for forgiveness and I think supporting someone feels good if that if you think that person's doing the right thing I think like you know having come from where I come from right it feels like this is all new to me but there's never a day that i don't appreciate like the peace i feel when i wake up i've never had peace i've never had life you know what i'm saying i used to wake up and feel shamed guilty and angry you know what i mean um i never felt like

i deserved it you know what i mean right um oh so when i was 18 that happened i ended up going to prison right um how much time did you get i got like 22 months 20 20 22 months for merrill or is that how much you got or how much you did you got 22 and you that's how much i did i think i got 24 months with good time okay and then they let me out in like 22 or something like right um i ended up coming home and as soon as i came home bro i was gunning i was like vamo no rizio vamo los la chingada right so we're fucking hitting that shit we fucking hit it hard come home and we go to California like the second day out I'm coming back with my trunk fool you know like literally the second day out um we come back and you know we're doing this whole

thing and we just blow up even more bro this is where we start just blowing up like we made a lot of money you know um every month we would come through I don't know like probably more than half a million dollars you know um and that's when it happened bro that's when it happened we had a a team of people who would respond for us if like like we needed somebody to pay back the money we had a group of people we had like like we didn't like to get our hands dirty at this point because at this point we were more like business oriented you know um so what happened was this One of my best friends, he ended up staying in an apartment right next to my house, right?

And he ended up being in the apartment right next to my house. I had no idea that he was there. And I came back from something, and I seen him there, and that's how he ended up at my house. He was like, Victor, what? I was like, yeah, man, what's going on? He goes, yo, man, what's going on? it's me chris yo what's going on brother

he goes hey man so I'm on my way to a party right now I was like nah fuck that party just stay here you know what I mean hang out with me shit we'll get some ass courts or something um he ended up staying at my house

but ain't it weird like maybe seconds later I would have never seen him you know what I mean but it happened I happen to get there at that exact time and he happened to be there at that exact time and now he's at my house you know what i mean who would ever have thought that that would be the last night he ever existed you know what i'm saying like i don't know it's just crazy um i started off like that i showed him around my house

showed him my car i had like tv screens in in my catalect you know out of the xbox installed like the old school halo you know what i i thought i was a bad mother right i was i was like yeah bro we got a game i ever really played yeah bro we got like the two 12s and shit right so the 12s were like bumping in the in the back and i was like a little kid with a mean mug and some sunglasses just you know what i mean i felt like i i was the complete shit fucking eric arrogant little bastard you know what i said and And, yeah, that was the day, man. He came over.

I caught him on a phone call. He was making a phone call. And he was in the bathroom. He asked to use my phone, and he was in the bathroom, this kid. And he started making phone calls to somebody. And I overheard him talking about, like, yo, you guys get here, have guns. Make sure you guys have guns. These dudes are strapped up.

and I started hearing him talk um yeah is this just you home alone no this is me my cousin and my other cousin and so he's in the bathroom calling in to set you up yeah i had invited him over and i was going to give them money and shit like you know like a thousand bucks just for hookups like i didn't care care about a thousand we would drop that on strippers and whatnot you know um he ended up calling and then um uh that's what happened man i heard him and then when he was in the bathroom when

he he came out i ended up telling him hey bro you want to holler at me real quick he goes yeah what's up i go hey um you know come over to my room right quick and then he went over to my room and when he went over to my room is when it all started I can't say much about it but I ended up um I beat him you know what I'm saying right I beat him right i beat him but next thing you know he's on his knees saying his prayers and he's looking at me asking how to pray and then i just see the gunshot and go off right in the middle of a prayer um he asked for forgiveness and all that stuff um next thing you know we go to my uh go to my go to my my bathtub like we carried him to my bathtub and yeah we remember grabbing some beers right before

and me and my cousin started drinking like before we did it and we started talking to each other and my cousin was in tears. You know, like, yo, bro. You know, we got to do what we got to do, you know. And we ended up, like, dismembering him. Never forget the way it felt what it was like. I remember feeling like I had an outer body experience. It was weird.

Right. It's weird, bro, because it's like, you know you're doing it but it's not you it's like somebody else it's like looking at you yourself from the top of a ceiling um i'll never forget the way it felt it felt like like we're all born like you grasp this concept when when you do it this concept right that we are all born into a collective tunnel of normality and you realize that for some reason you realize that we're all human We all understand in this tunnel.

And then when you do something like this, you're extracted from that tunnel. And you know that there's boundaries that are never meant to be crossed between human and human. And I was extracted. And from that extraction point, from that other, like, dimension of sorts, I could look in to the collective tunnel, but I can never be a part of it again. in that way like you're isolated you don't

you always long to be a part of that culture again a part of that group of people but you know you're not like you'll never be you know what I mean you're forever distracting you're forever extracted and you're forever condemned in that

area because of who you are what you know you are and I think it's been one of the saddest things I've ever had to endure in life in general, you know what I mean? I mean, obviously, a different experience, but it's funny. My wife and I will be at dinner with somebody, and you hear them talking about they're very middle class, normal people, and they're having these conversations,

and she and I will, you know, and you'll glance at each other, and both of us because my wife did five years for an ice conspiracy yeah she did five years for an ice conspiracy and these people will be talking about very normal things kids soccer games um school plays and you'll glance at each other we'll glance at each other and you'll have that moment of you feel like we don't belong here or i don't belong you know or people that know your story and you're at dinner with them and they kind of go around they all talk but they never get to the point where they talk to you or ask you because they know we don't want to touch touch this right i can't say anything i don't want we don't want to kind of include them because we know

that their story's so vastly different it will make us feel them feel uncomfortable it won't make us feel uncomfortable we kind of laugh about we kind of like which i understand is different but i i kind of kind of feel like that like you're always you're always on the outside even when you're in the thick of it with everybody else you know and your friends know we don't belong in this situation so with my wife's kids now now this is another story complete but like i found her she found me on a tick tick talk live because i blew up on tic talk right so we're doing these lives and my beautiful wife man she used to come to visit me and she used to put in so much work for me she used to go drive eight hours just to visit me

get a hotel put two hundred dollars while she had a seven eleven job you know and it was the most precious thing anybody ever done for my ass because i never had nothing um yeah just talking about it gets gets to be emotional man you know what i mean like fuck like nobody is ever given two shits you know um so she would bring her kids and stuff and now um i'm out out here with her kids with her and um i'm looking at them and they got this weird way this family like that dynamic where they come home and they tell each other how their day was right you're totally foreign to how you were raised. It was just like, right?

Like, yeah. So I bought like two shirts the other day and they're like, okay, so, so we do like a show and tell, like a hall or I guess they called it all. Like we do a show and tell here, Victor. So when you come in and you buy things, like we all like to like to see it and stuff and see what you did. And it was like a haul. Like these are kids.

they're um i made it makes sense to me right like you know it's like at christmas you kind of go around like yeah they want to show it your presents you open it what you get oh my gosh joe so-and-so got me this and you know exactly yeah they brag about us it's like this is this is what we got you know what i'm saying but that's the problem is is that that's a normal family and you don't know what that is and i'm like huh why like but the kids like they um that's good stuff yeah man there's they're so good to me um so her family that dynamic right it's like it's so strange to me and i realize that like sometimes when me and her are like walking through Costco or something something like that i'm i'm like stuck in that moment like where the fuck am i at like i come i wasn't

solitary confinement with some of the baddest motherfuckers and we were stabbing each other and we You know what I mean? Sorry. Shanks. You know what I'm saying? Now you're discussing. And now I'm on here. Is the, should we buy the, the jiffy juice because it's 20 cents cheaper?

Or should we go buy the big pack? Exactly. And you're like, and then it's kind of like, what the fuck am I doing? I used to drop $1,000 a night on a stripper. And now, and now she looks at me and she's like, right? She's like, she's like the most precious human being. well for me right because so so she got this matthew she got this for me 20 years ago and she bought the prayer hands right here you see because um she knew that i was getting sentenced to a long time

and she bought this for me she wasn't ever going to give it to me because at first i thought that i was getting in life without but um she gave it to me and then she kept it this whole entire entire time and now she gave it to me actually in person in a in the bow and so that's why i'm wearing it right now is like 20 years later she actually gave it to me in person and it had the bow everything to it you know what i mean so i was like holy shit ain't that wild bro that you're loved beyond anything that i could have imagined you know um for somebody to hold on something like this for 20 fucking years. You know what I'm saying?

It's wild, man. It's wild. Well, let's go back to the tub. All right. So. Let's do it, brother. Damn, that's a start contrast, man. Sorry.

Let's go, brother. Let's go. Hold on. Let me take a drink first. Yeah. All right, man. Let's go. So what do you, do you, do you,

garbage bags and throw them in dumpsters. Oh, man, really? I'm sorry. I just, I, you know, it's so funny is, um, funny is probably not with the right word, but yeah, maybe not in this instance. No, my, if, you know, if, um, if a grown man can have a best friend, my best friend would be a buddy named, uh, named Pete that I was incarcerated, right? Yes, you meet the best people there.

It's funny, right? Yeah, yeah, for sure. Um, and his case, there was two murders. and they disposed of the bodies, you know, in dumpsters, right? Like they put them in zip, they put them in, and the guys were killed, they put them in sleeping bags, and they, in the middle of, you know, taped them up, in the middle of night, they threw them in a dumpster, and then one body was never found again.

And then the other one was, it was actually found by like a homeless guy who went into the dumpster just before it got, and that was it. You know, they called the cop, hey, this is what I just found. So I'm just wondering. No, this was. uh this was bags so this is a part that i've never shared on on other podcasters stuff like that this is something that's going to come out with the documentary oh i'm doing a documentary and a and a and a book but um he was there for three days man yeah he was there for three days um

are you guys discussing like what are we going to do we got to uh aren't you concerned though this guy was on the phone it's stuck yes but he was on the phone oh yeah so that was another thing right i mean somebody's looking so when he was on the phone he was talking to some people when we were doing this his phone's going off no two dudes come to our house with mask and and in pupews right they come to our house with pew-pues and they're black dudes with their masks

and their and their and their hats to the side there was two in the front one in the back and they came to the house I was this close man this close to right

put one through that door you know what I mean but we couldn't because he had already been deceased at that point so and there's not enough room in the bathtub for three more sorry thank you Matt I appreciate you for that one I appreciate you man they come through that door there's they're done yeah they're done I mean the type of stuff that we had yeah yeah yeah they're done bro you know what I'm saying these are do they just these are hollows they are they knocked twice and took off

and they got in and like a little green Honda and took off you know um but i'll never forget the way i felt when i was sitting there like locked and loaded you know what i'm saying like just waiting like come on is it going to happen man the nerves you feel you know what i'm saying knowing that somebody's in the tub right now you know what i mean it's um wild wild this fuck man you know i'd love to say it's the same thing in the mortgage industry no fucking quit it not vastly different it's vastly different it's vast different situation so a lot of similarities man yeah a lot of similarities you know the way the sorry it's interest rates interest rates play a big part had that underwriter right where

i wanted right right there you know uh so three days you got to get rid of this the yeah we ended ended up calling some dudes from a biker club listen i don't understand this is, that sounds like the same thing with my buddy Pete. Like, they're calling people to, like, a disposed. It's almost like. They had told us, Matt. They, they had told this. Look, if you ever need anything.

If you ever need anything, we're here. This is. And it was such bullshit, though, because it is, but they're full of shit, though, right? They're like these dudes who are like, bro, all right, brother. Yeah. You ever need anything? Yeah. Yeah, we got your brother.

Brother this and brother that. Fucking come time. Fucking pussy. Yeah. Like, you know, they were, ended up, they were the ones that told on us. Really? Yeah, it's crazy. See, my buddy Pete, they called, like, first they called this, these guys, and they were like, they were like, yeah, we can't have anything to do with that.

And he's like, what are you talking about? Like, this is, you've told, you told us. He called like multiple people that had said the same thing. Like, you ever need anything, you ever need it? But you know what happened to, though, right? So in their defense is that my cousin went out. And we promised to keep it. Nobody would say nothing.

Nobody would say a word. And we ended up, he ended up going to another state and telling my aunts and uncle was what had happened. And those are the ones that ended up calling the cops on us. I always felt like he snitched because it was like, when you go and tell other people about something me and you did, you know what I'm saying? You're pretty much toast at that point.

point like right like because you're pretty much putting us out there um and those were the ones who called the cops on us so also so it's been three days you guys are having a discussion about getting rid of this these these let's say garbage bags and then we call those guys from the biker club okay and they say all right brother uh what do you got and then and then we gave him some money yeah well not money but some other stuff and then um they go all right we can meet you over here and then we got another buddy to bring a truck he brought the truck in so we used to have these duffel bags right so we got the hefty bags and then we got the duffel bags we put the hefty bags full of the him parts parts and then we put it inside of like the duffel bag and then we put it inside of like the

duffel bag and then carried the duffel bag into the truck and then uh like we ended up taking it over there and so these guys pick it up and they take it or the and they take it they take it and then we think that it's gone it's never going to be found again because that was the assurance we had um lo and behold that wasn't it you know what i mean uh so yeah that's how that went down and then when cops started coming and asking questions i i was kind of waiting i thought that i was fucked because so that wait wait like my cousin had been saying so many things the cops wait wait so how long before the cops show up and how to make months months months so you feel you're okay for months no i did not feel okay not okay i felt like i told you brother like once you step into

that dimension you're always in that dimension so i wasn't free from the moment that we did this i was completely fucked like my mind was fucked I was thinking like how am I going to live the rest of my life like this because if this is my destiny I'm pretty much fucked you know what I'm saying

like regardless you know like I ended up hearing the phone calls that were coming in talking about hey your cousin's saying this your cousin's saying that you're cousin saying this

and my stomach just starts to boil and I'm like why is he telling people that Yeah. And then I called, call him up, and then he starts crying. He's like, you know, I'm having nightmares, brother. I'm seeing this. I'm seeing that.

And I'm like, what the time for guilt is over? Yeah, that shit's done, bro. Like, that shit's between you and God, honey. You know what I'm saying? And the rest is between me and you. You know what I'm saying? So the fact that he was out there because, Matt, there was times that I thought I wanted to talk to, like have somebody there to communicate the fact that we just did this you know what I'm saying

and I couldn't I just kept my mouth close because you have to these are things that come with what you do you know what I'm saying so when he he went out there and he started saying that I started getting calls from family out there saying Victor please tell me that he's lying that you guys didn't really do this i go i what are you talking about he goes no he told us what you guys did i go what are you talking i'll go get him he's in intoxicated right now let me just go and get him i i assure you he's uh he's not in his five cents so um i ended up when i was on on on my way there the cops ended up busts him the cops bust him for what for because the people called the cops okay so they call them

they said there was a body this this and that and then they had a search warrant out here in salemorgan for the the person that was missing for four months you know what I'm saying right but but you don't have a body but they got the missing person's case and they got a bunch of people saying oh that's that Victor's best friend you know what I'm saying so I was like so how long Is that how long does you get like that's not I I mean in Florida I don't think in Florida You would have to have those accusations aren't enough most likely without a body or a significant Oh here in fucking Salem they would toast you in Salem they don't give a shit So here they're burning women for being witches and say not that salem bro

Okay I was going to no no in So, so they had these people saying who, bro, I, yeah, yeah, that's, that's not Oregon, brothers. Sorry, man, really, man. Listen, I was, my, my knowledge of, of geography was taught to me in Florida, okay? So, not the greatest school system. Of course. I know there's, I know the 13 Confederate states and there's a bunch of square states up north. Of course, you know.

Of course. that's all they were concerned when I was growing up don't leave here I committed all my crimes in those states guys are like why didn't she go other places I'm like I'm just in the south yeah so it wasn't a thing it was like okay um he was missing for four months so his family started to put up flyers I went to eat tacos one day and I was eating tacos bro I go to the taco stand

Motherfucker There's fucking flyers Right through in my face I was like no tacos for me On the thing On the taco stand His big old face right there Missing four months

If anybody has any questions Christopher Lampkin case So they grab the cut They grab your cousin And then you say You go on your way there And the cops pull you over Or when you get there the cops

No no no no I am not caught The cops got my cousin Okay And we had gotten calls that he was already caught. We had went to go to talk to my cousin. Sounds like a you problem.

We weren't going to talk to my cousin if you pick up what I'm saying. Oh, yeah, no, no, that's over. Yeah, those days are over. That's over. I was going to go take them fishing. We were going to be hanging out. And then I was going to have the talk with my cousin. Before I got there, the cops had picked him up.

so we didn't ever get a chance to talk to him but he ended up going to prison and he had told me oh no bro don't worry I got this he didn't say nothing bro and the and the thing that we were agreed on that we had agreed on right that he would take the whole thing

make it make it you know because of what happened right how it occurred and so that didn't i don't feel like this is what that's what i don't feel really pissed me off i'm like all right cool so i end up seeing him in prison we ended up fighting i beat the shit out of him in prison in front of all those little friends and shit so well so how do you end up in prison uh shit because of the murder well no i understand i'm saying right now you're we've got you sitting in a car your cousin's been arrested okay yeah yeah you're at home you're getting some phone calls your cousin's in jail and you're saying you're like yeah sounds like it's

Sounds like he's got some issues going on. I don't know what else. Like a his. Yeah, that sounds like a you problem. Yeah. So the cops end up coming and getting me investigated. I don't know how they got half. My paperwork is like 1,500 pages long.

It's a big old stack of paperwork. They got me. My first offer was 47 years. 37 years was the second. Okay, well, wait a second. They grab you. They arrest you. Yeah, they arrest.

me like they didn't arrest did they arrest you just on your cousin's word no he did not say a word my cousin did not say a word it was other other other other other people that were saying that me and him did this and then they investigate they don't need much man to get you when you're arrested you're arrested they don't give a shit they're like they felt like I did something and half the shit that they heard was was false so but that's what they're going on that's what they present to the d a that's what happens they never included the fact that he was trying to invade our home they never included that they said that we were that we did this because of we're bad people and he owed us money that was never the fucking case and i'll continue to say that right until my until my last breath you know

I'm in. But yeah. So you're getting, so you're arrested, you're in prison, no bond, I'm assuming. No, no bond. You're being, do you get a private attorney? Yes. So, man, Paul Ferter. Okay. Yeah, Paul Ferter, he was an expensive attorney.

What's he saying? He's saying, yo, we got this. we got this don't worry gets me a deal okay cool gets you a deal he said he said he said said we're good so we got a deal bro you're going to beat it he said you did not do nothing i said i did not do nothing right right book club on monday gym on tuesday date night on wednesday out on the town on thursday on Friday. It's good to have a routine. And it's good for your eyes, too.

Because with regular comprehensive eye exams at Specsavers, you'll know just how healthy they are. Visit Spexavers.cavers.cai to book your next eye exam. Eye exams provided by independent optometrists. And then they find my cousin's girlfriend. And she's state evidence. Right. She's state witness.

And she said, I've seen Victor do this I've seen Victor do that Victor's a psychopath Was she there? She was there Oh, that's not good That's not good

But you know what man This is the first time I'm actually going to say this All right At that moment She almost didn't make it out of that house Right she had no idea and i saved her life she almost didn't make it out of that house you know right

i saved her life and she ended up well not that i not that i feel like god or anything you know i mean like i didn't have the right to put her in in that situation anyways but like her life turned out so messed up, bro. So bad for what we did. You know what I mean? But I did save her life, man. Okay, so. She was going to get the business.

Right. No, I understand what you're saying. And I stopped it. Right. But so eventually she, so she ends up going to the police or they talk to her. She said, yeah, I was there. this is what happened um this is what these guys did and that's what they had had on me right so they've got her um so they have her ready to testify and and she's explained probably that these other guys

picked them up or picked she says so much matt she says so much she says everything about me she says the other guy do they end up talking to the other guys that picked up the the bags she said more on me than anything else she hated me for some reason so well i mean and you know i can understand i was gonna say i mean not for some reason you know what i mean she's doing the right thing let's face it and she was she was doing the right thing you know uh so for some reason right so please edit that shit out then all right bro so i have so basically your fear at this point is she's going to get on the stand she's going to say exactly what happened you can't go to trial i'm thinking trial like i mean i'm assuming your lawyer's thinking trial until she shows up until she shows up

Oh, he's saying, he's not even saying trial? He said, no, they got way too much because if your cousins say what they, what your other cousin told him, you're fucked. So you got, you already have multiple people ready to get on the witness. Bro, like a million people because my cousin went out there and started telling people that we did this. That's hearsay. They need him. It does not matter. They need a, they need a, they need a, they get a few people to say.

It does not matter, bro. like in my case I was going to get a beautiful deal right but because of what so many people heard and then that lady that lady right there that girl she changed it all she was actually there she's seen me and just too many people that are cooperating for you to

and she seemed that I did some other stuff prior so she implemented that in that case too she's like this is a crazy son of a gun this dude should not be out here um so that's how they pop me and so i get um 47 was was was the first offer 37 was the second 27 was the last i go i'm thinking about um on unaliving myself at that point i really didn't care i'm i mean i was born in chaos i'm i'm done with this shit you know that's that's kind of the the mentality i had how real quick how old were you at this time i was man i don't know like like 19 20 years old you're so let's say 20 so at 20 years old you're being offered 27 more time than you've been on this earth yeah yeah

for sure with good time you're still looking at doing what 20 shit i i wasn't about to find out i was like screw that that's done hope is going on hope is something that happens to other people, not for me. You know what I mean? Someone I got there, that's what happened. They say, all right. They go, all right, we'll go to trial. I was like, okay, if I got anything more than 20 years,

I was going to call it quits. I'm good. You know what I mean? They can find me in that cell, put me in a bag, take me out, you know? but the mom and dad came up told the DA had a conversation with the DA and actually talked to him hey we still don't have the head and legs so they found pieces they did find pieces they found pieces not the head and legs okay and and I hate to say it but it's the only thing that saved me Matt right because they wanted closure so the deal they came back at me and said if you

tell us where the head and legs are at, we give you 180 months, plus the time served in county jail. 180 months, that's 15 years, I was like, where do I sign this? You know what I'm saying? Like, where do I sign this? Because at that point, I'm thinking, I'm going to do life. Like, how did this even come through? Because they want closure for their boys.

you know and so when I'm in actual court I'm sitting there and I'm they want a written letter to the mom and I'm sitting there how do you talk what do you say you know what I'm saying what do you say um like to somebody's mother you know after you did what you did there's no i always get this in my chat you know like have you ever talked to the bomb what would you say if if you if you could um i can't say nothing i can't even communicate with them nothing but what i did what i said was i hope you can forgive me not for my sake but for your own because after a loss like that i could imagine you know what i mean i'm the number one focus of your hatred you know what I'm saying

and I could completely understand that you know I think I wish that they would understand though you know what I mean like when you do something like this bro the the like the penitentiary walls don't got shit

on the walls that you incarcerate yourself in there wasn't one person that passed away there was two you know what I'm saying I was included in that when you do something like this you really do enter another world bro you know what I'm saying and I think there's no words to express that world that's a dark world you know there ain't no love brother there ain't no peace you know so yeah so you you give them this information they recover no no no they never found it oh wow okay but you still get the yeah we took them to the park yeah yeah we took them to the park uh there was a park out there we took them to the park and and there was nothing there i got the 15 though

so i was like all right cool so you go to what the pen i i go to prison yeah i go to county i was in county for 18 months or 20 months and then i go to two rivers what is two rivers at two rivers prison and as soon as i walk in there it's fucking dark brother everybody's fighting just like a maximum security maximum security maximum security based on the crime yeah yeah two rivers is maximum so you go over there there's walls you don't see the outside it's just like a little yard you walk in you walk around in how many people Are people in that? A hundred people.

A hundred people? Inside of the units, there's 100 people to every unit. Oh, how many in the whole prison? And there's 22 units. 2,200 people. Oh, 2,200 people. Okay. 2,200 people, but the units are very dark.

So there's only four units that are mainline. So the four units have two for south side, two for north side. But the other ones are all PC. so they're uh they're they're they're protective custodies but high high levels like protected custodies like like the p ditties of the of the of the world right i'm saying right like this dude's got to not be here because this dude will get touched you know what i'm saying so they actually sign sign that off but where i was was the four units so where you come in there and everybody's like from a different prison

in there for bad things and that was the first prison that I went to and it was crazy like what the fuck it was wild seeing some dude get his face sliced open like almost like the fourth day in there his like cheek was flapping because the knife went right through

his piece went right through his cheek you know what I'm saying and this was my introduction to the to the prison prison facility like this you know and I knew that I had 15 years but at the same time I was like there's no way that I'm going to wait 15 years here

fuck no you know what I mean so I just started fighting like almost almost immediately I got broken face right here this is a that's a plate right here I got got my knuckled broken See right here. That's a plate. That's a plate in my hand.

I got poked right here in my head. That's a bite mark from a self-fight. I became a shot caller at the age of 24 for the PISA gang in prison. And it's funny, right? Because that's one game that nobody talks about. But we're the ones that call the shots in there. They're, like, without a doubt. We're the Paisas.

Yeah, the Pices ran. all the why doesn't nobody talk about it though right like they don't have a really cool name exactly have a Latin key you have to have a cool name heises is what basically means what like brothers or brothers a union

yeah you gotta have and we're the biggest gang in there and let me tell you nobody fucks with us you know we're the we're the largest ones and they say that that the gains gangs can do what they can

but the bices do what they want you know what i'm saying because we don't and we're actually pretty nice people it's like we're not bullying people or extorting people like we're not doing that stuff we're like the most peaceful gang but when somebody fucks with us and then we tear that yard up you know what i'm saying that's exactly how it is i'm sure the pices too when like mexicans would come on the You know, they immediately They go Check them up. Well, they got soup.

They got shoes. Everything. Shower slides. Yeah, they've got a lock. They've got, like, they get like a whole, that's the whole fucking kit. So, all that. Hygiene.

Toothpaste. You know what I mean? Start a thing. You weren't in prison, brother. You weren't in prison, brother. You were in prison, man. The white guys. They don't get shit.

You get a lock. They might get shit. shower slides disrespectful yeah i mean but there's there's also there's also the the benefit of there's not a lot of white guys you know at least in my prison so it's like you got like 30 or 50 guys like and usually these guys don't have any money everybody's giving up on them so you so you so you have heard of of the bices oh yeah in in in the medium there was a ton of them in in the medium and and the low but in the low there's not really no i hear i hear these dudes right saying like oh yeah brother uh you know shot caller of this gang and that gang right and i'm thinking like the

bises were like like the largest gang in fucking prison but i don't know why nobody talks about him well i think because these are guys that are not not in your case well even kind of in your case like you said you weren't in a gang on the outside was just a group of guys and that's very much what what they are it's like hey we have numbers we need to click up we need to keep each other safe but you're not trying to cause any problems like we're not trying to run all the drugs no we're not trying to do all that they're not they're like they just want peace just to do time and to be safe but when you fuck with one yeah well that's the safety isn't it you get the whole burrito right that's that's the that's the safety point right like if you

fuck with one guy now you have a problem like we're not bothering you like we're not doing nothing to start issues right but if there's an issue there's so many there's an issue we're going to handle it you know what i mean and like that's the number one thing that we did so so when i was a shot caller i started to utilize that as a way to like to utilize strength and power you know what i'm saying like okay so i don't care how tough these other guys are like if i have the powers behind me then pretty much we can do whatever we want you know what i mean and then we can go to war, you know what I mean? And I took us to war, like, twice.

That's where the faceplate came from. And this is like riots in the rec yard? At two rivers, yeah. But I got a lot of respect for that, you know. I wish that I could talk about what happened, but I can't because, you know what I mean. Yeah, because you've done enough time in prison already. Yeah, there's like, you know what I'm saying?

I'm good, though. Yeah, I can't talk about it. Let's just say allegedly somebody ended up stabbing this dude in the face and he was, or poked somebody in the face. You had like a whole poker sticking out of his face. And I had my face broke and the situation was critical. I was, uh, I was in the. medium security prison and a riot broke out in the pen and like I think it's pin one bro there's no

words to express the way you feel when you're in a riot yeah well I wasn't in the riot we just heard the riot you could from the medium and you were shitting your pants you everybody needs a good pair of jeans what I like about the perfect gene is that the moment you put them on they feel like sweatpants they don't ever pinch or bind up as a matter of fact they're super stretchy. There's never any point where you feel like they're binding up on you or they're tight or they pinch you or anything like that. They're comfortable

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concussion grenades back then they locked us up we're like we're not because all the guards have to go to that facility now it's only it's 300 it's probably 100 100 feet away or 300 feet away yeah 100 yards away yeah from our facility and then as so of course they lock us down you hear the concussion grades you hear the screaming and then the helicopters come in like They're landing helicopters because multiple inmates were fired on. And, you know, that's serious, obviously, because these guys don't have guns, right? Like, this is from the towers. This is like previews.

Yeah. And helicopters come in. Equalizers. They end up leaving. There was a newspaper article that I wish I could find. I actually had it at one point. The problem is it might be out. I'm sure it's out there.

Somebody could find it. When the article comes out. It talks about how there was a riot in the Coleman facility, right? They don't mention which part. There were a riot in the Coleman facility. There were over 300 some odd people involved because there's only like 500 guys in the pen. Right, right. And they said there, and they said helicopters come in, like, whatever.

Two, two correctional officers were injured, six inmates. I want to say there was a death. and several inmates were life-flighted to the hospital. That's what happened. And then they said that the Coleman facility, right, facility, not Penn, but the facility holds such infamous inmates as Conrad Black, which was a guy that was locked up, and Matthew Cox. And then it says...

Matthew Cox, the big shebang? Then it says... What? Yes, Gangster, Triple OG, Matthew Cox. And it says, it says, Matthew Cox is a very dangerous dude. We're unsure which area of the prison he was in during the right. Like, if you read this, you think I was in a riot.

I'm in the medium in my cell going, looks bad over there. They're bringing in helicopters. Hey, looking guys. Like, boom. I mean, you hear boom, and we're ducking. Like, oh, my. But if you have that. my lord if you read that article you'd be like like macby cox was like like pew-poo and fools

oh you can see me in the rec yard with two fucking yeah like what's up y'all fuckin let's do this duct tape to my hands you know that's fucking hilarious i had a sely named stew who used to tell us about how they would he's like we would put the duct tape on the on the you know on the shake he said and then we duct tape it around our hands he was because you know how it is cock you know how we like you know what happens cox yeah he said you know that blood slippery you know and i'm like no i don't know i stop telling me these stories i really don't know they're horrible stories horrible and i'm not going to tell you mine no more okay anyway i just hate the guys who're coming from state and tell state stories i have to leave

like these state stories are crazy right because they usually put shit on them they put shit on the knives or they're or they'll have rust on them to hold wait wait you know why you know why they do that shit infect them because if they just stick them a little bit they're dying within a few days and if you catch somebody off the basketball court he's fresh out of playing basketball and that blood is flowing so what you got right there is a cool case sticking really quick and he'll bleed out faster infection and then you got the rest the rest will also these are strategized ways of hurting another human being horrible horrible like what kind of system do we got when we actually have this implemented in our system saying that i hate coxman when they're say victor

do you feel you were rehabilitated i said i i go first all i take offense to the term rehabilitation because to be rehabilitated assumes that you were habilitated to begin with um in my case that's not the case like i come from chaos i come from shit i don't know nothing else show me another way and i'll do it um i don't fucking know how how do i make you guys understand that i do not know how i got my driver's license first time at 37 you know i didn't even know how to fucking drive a car man my p o wanted me to pay back my fines and i'm like i can't even get a job i don't got a bike what are you talking this is my first time out here in 20 years did you get a driver's license Like when you were leaving, did you get a driver's license in prison?

No, fuck, no. No, no, no, wait a minute. Wait a minute. In Coleman, they don't do it anymore. They had something called the flow bus, which was the Florida, Florida, FL flow. The Florida bus. It was a drive for the driver's license. I actually walked out of prison with a driver's license.

What? Right. The effort that you can go to to do that, and people don't realize. Like, they're like, oh, you're in that, you went out the halfway house. Oh, yeah. So they don't realize like, no, you don't understand. The agony, the effort it takes, you get to the halfway house. And they think, oh, well, you go get a job?

No, no, no. I have to get a driver's license. First, I have to order all my documents. Oh, you go get a driver license. Social security. So, birth certificate. Birth certificate. Proof of residence.

How do you even get that when you first come out, don't even know. How do you utilize a fucking phone, right? So when I came out, I was trying to find. I'm going to go. I literally thought that to apply to a job meant you had to go to the spot. So I would go, I'm like, well, I'm going to go job searching guys walking from place to place and they're like, yeah, we don't take applications like this or you got to email this. I'm like, how do I use the email?

I'm not, I don't even know how to use the email. I don't have an email. You know what I'm saying? So it's like the simple things that people don't really realize. when you're not a part of this world, you're not a part of this world. You can be in a room full of a million people and still full alone.

And I didn't call home, home until I found my wife. Because when I met my wife and we were actually out here hanging out, I could cuddle with somebody, talk about all my bullshit and cry and hang out with her kids and just chill. That was me coming home.

I didn't realize, man matt what was wrong with me until i came out i was only able to have out i was only able to figure out what was wrong with me when i came home because when i came home um i realized i got major PTSD brother what year was this uh it was 28 months ago i want to say 2002 yeah yeah you had 2002 or 23 something like that did they send you to a halfway house um no i was in a home I went with my brother. I didn't have family, man. So I, everybody forgot about me. Nobody was there for me. I came out, found my brother, and it was like, what the fuck, right? Wait, what do you mean you came out? Like, what? I came out of prison.

Well, no, I understand that. I'm saying like they, they let you, they literally let you, like, walk out the gate or they did you give you a bus ticket? Like, where are you going? Like, where do they think you're going when you leave here? They don't just don't get a fuck. They didn't give a shit. They don't give a fuck. No, halfway house? No, fuck, no. They didn't even talk to me. They're just, this is your date, make, get up, roll it up.

I was like, okay, cool. Do you have a, you don't have a counselor? Were you able to put in to get into a halfway house in your state? No, no. It was like, we're just coming home. Like, do you need something? No, we can give you some toothpaste, uh, armpit, like deodorant, um, aside from that, shit well good luck vic you know what i'm saying and so i came home and i was thinking like okay i'm

with my brother but he was drinking a lot so i'm like fuck i want to stop drinking man but fuck i couldn't stop drinking one because of the trauma that i fucking went in there it was like every day that i woke up i would fucking have nightmares you know what i'm saying and then like um it was hard bro like dealing with my crime because every time that i went out with with my brothers i would see places like my victim's house you know stuff like that and shit like that so i made it very real that i was out here do you deserve to be out here um what do you do you know what i'm saying um how do you proceed you know what i mean so my brother was drinking i was sleeping on his couch and i stayed there like for a year on his couch and I was trying to make ends me are you working yeah

I got it I got a job at a gas station I was pumping gas where somebody else pump you pull up I'm in Salem Morgan bro we pump gas for people really I wish they did that here not yeah we put gas for the exact opposite reason for them it's freezing cold for us it's like I can't I don't want to get in that heat yeah I don't want to get out of here exactly because I was pumping gas in the storm in fucking ice like ice cold storm right so we were pumping gas but like yeah so I got there is that minimum wage 1375 an hour 40 hours a week that's

no it it wasn't 40 hours a week it was like 30 it's like 30 20 because at 40 they have to pay they have to pay for health insurance no overtime because they don't want you to get that overtime yeah like nope um and you're sleeping on your brother's couch I'm sleeping on my brother's guy. You got a second job?

No, that was it. I was trying to find jobs, bro. I couldn't find a fucking job. So I was like, wait a minute. I don't believe that. You're telling me that people don't want to hire a guy that just got out of prison for murder. That's ideal, right? Isn't that what every job application starts with that's what we're looking for?

What are you? What did you do? Murder? Okay. Nice meeting. Yeah. Thank you so much for coming by. You're such a nice guy.

You know, it's funny. about that is that do you know it has the lowest recidivism rate? Murder. Of course. I mean, and I don't mean because most people, most people when I tell them that, they're like, because they don't get out. No, no.

Recidivism has to do with getting out and re-edending. Thank you very much for that. Thank you for saying that. There's almost no recidivism right for people getting out. When you do 20 years, 25 years, yeah, some type of realization occurs where you grow up.

You're older, your mind. It changes. You know what I'm saying? Drugs and fraud. Highest recidivism rates. Really? Drugs and fraud. Wow.

You know? Yeah. Because these guys are used to making that, that, you know, it's, it's, it's, yeah, the cash, it's easy money. And that was a part that was addicting too, though. It was like the cash and, and the arrogance that goes with it. You know, it's funny. My wife said, she's like, you know, it's funny.

she said what's better than the cash is the fact that now everybody respects you and you are the person everybody goes to you're the person he's like you you feel like a big shot like now my wife does that too too you're you know you're she she's like because she was a drug dealer right so she's like like you're the person people are calling you all the time can you get me this can you help me with this so like suddenly she's like you're the big shot i got i got i got banned from from my account right And my, my poor wife was like, Victor, you're still the big shot. You're you. Your story is your story.

You can do this, right? And I'm, like, amazed at, like, how somebody could believe in me so much, right? Because of, like, where I come from, right? Like, my wife is, like, my biggest friend, like, my biggest fan. You know what I'm saying? I just feel so loved to bro. You know what I'm saying? Not just that, but, like, my followers.

like from TikTok. These are people that don't know me that come to my story on a live and like hear my story and start talking to me and are like, Victor this and Victor that. You are so inspiring. You did this and you did that. And I'm like, I told you what I did.

Yeah. You're still here believing in me. I got fans like Emily and fucking, gen these people come and they drop on me like they drop they make big gifts you know what I'm saying and if it weren't for them I wouldn't even be here right now so if it weren't for somebody believing in me I don't think that I can believe in myself you know what I mean it's it's odd right isn't it odd for people to say like you're inspiring and you feel like the fuck did I do what isn't that's my issue right now man is that how am I am

am I inspiring when every day I wake up to the furnace that was my life you know what I'm saying like I don't know how that works but people want it they they feel like hey if this guy can make a comeback or this guy can do the right thing and this guy can then to them then they feel like their problems are small in comparison to a guy that has the stigma of a murder case of a murder conviction, prison, got out, doesn't, not only do you not have a driver's license, you don't have the documentation to get the driver. So it's the process of I got to get my social security card. I have to have that ordered in.

I have to get this. And just to order it. And you have to get the documentation to show them to get your driver's license. Like I have to come up with the documentation to document myself to get my birth certificate. Then I get that. then I have to go get my drivers like that is a a month long process to get those documents to be able to drive while you have no money while you're living in a homeless shelter so so when I was in solitary like for four and a half years right in solitary so you're in solitary you're some time to

think we have a lot of time to think right there was this book that I read victor frankel Victor Franco is a master right but there was Victor Frank oh my gosh What is it What's the name of the book? Man's search for meaning

Oh okay okay man search for meaning Victor Frank he's a fucking amazing dude I wish that I could have gotten the chance to meet this guy right but like the shit that he says and the other things that other people say too is like I used to read

psychology saw philosophy in order to find meaning and there was this quote that was on there right that talking about Socrates and Plato Socrates Socrates was this dude for the wisdom Plato was his student And Plato would be like

Hey fucking where where do you get this wisdom And knowledge Socrates he thought that you can get it From one statement Socrates tired of hearing fucking Plato He goes get the fuck over here I'll show you where I mean this right He grabs them starts starts to drive on him picks him up right as he's about to give his last breath he goes when you look for wisdom

and knowledge the way your lungs were looking for air beneath that fucking water that's where you find wisdom and knowledge i think my life has been that i've been beneath water i didn't have a choice i had to figure out what the solution was how do i become this how how how do i change what is it that I'm doing wrong you know what I'm saying it demanded of me it didn't you know what I mean it was a demand it wasn't like a choice you know what I mean like when you're put in a situation where you're doing life in prison when you come to a conclusion that the whole society has gotten together and deemed that you should be executed you start realizing what's wrong with me man um why

yeah there has to be something wrong for society to have decided you can't be you can't be around us anymore yeah you have to be over here like maybe you should be executed you know what I mean like people like you shouldn't exist even if they put you in prison for six months you've done something that's so so antisocial that you can't be in society society has said you need to go have a little you need to go have a time out and rethink this we don't want you around us exactly and with people get released from prison the truth is it's just because they they serve their their term of imprisonment and most of society still doesn't want them around you know they just can't lock everybody up forever you know so you if you're smart you go to prison and you kind of sit back and you think to yourself how did I put myself here most people go to prison and think someone else put them there that that full snished on me yeah he did he did that he did that but get the fuck out of here maybe the fact that you rob the bank it could have been the fact that you pew-pute somebody right there in the front lawn you know what I'm saying

like you know what I mean there's um other factors for sure like me bro like I understand now fully for the first time though it's weird is I understand I was a bad dude bro like my mind now do I have a reason for it maybe perhaps but there's this um a quote that said, I've striven not to laugh in a human action, not to weep nor to cry, but to simply understand them. When you understand me,

you can understand that there were situations that weren't easy, you know what I'm saying? And that I made the best decisions given those situations. It wasn't until I actually came out of that concept where I actually started realizing, like, another life exists. I have a choice.

You know what I'm saying? I have a choice. This is my chance. I have a choice to show people who the fuck I am. You know what I mean? Am I a convict, a murderer? No. I'm a loving person, a caring person that wants to care for people.

Like, genuinely love people. You know what I'm saying? And it's something that I was deprived of, man. I didn't have that, you know? So my victim's family actually sued me. Is this right? As soon as you got incarcerated or during the paramed? it's um 2011 after i was incarcerated how long a few years they sued uh maybe like seven years

okay yeah what happened they ended up ended up taking the farm that we did this in they took the farm and i don't know what happened so i mean you owned the farm no that was the farmers but the farmer that snitched on me uh he he admitted that that was his farm so you were included in the I was included in the lawsuit. I was sued for $400,000, I think it was. And my cousin was sued for $800,000. But after 10 years, if you don't pay a dime back, they actually, that's excluded. It falls off.

Thank God, because I had no idea. I thought that I was going to be done, like, if I ever made money. Which is another part, right? Like, if you have money, you're pretty much screwed. because of the cops and then so if they want to take your money you're not going to be successful you know yeah if you if you're owed money for uh you know if you're owed money for uh you know whatever for a lien or something they can a judgment you know they can continually come after everything that you have for yeah the length of well typically a lot of times they'll a lot of times

still um they'll dissolve after like 10 or 20 years or something but i think federal it's 20 years from the time it was filed um but uh i don't know what it is for I don't know what a simple, a simple civil lawsuit. I don't know if it's 10 years or if they can go back to the court and I know they can typically go back to court and refile it. But so you're saying there was $400,000. They took the farm. I wonder if the farm covered the whole thing.

And then they sued the apartment complex that it happened in. Okay. They sued them as well. I wonder how they're saying that they're liable. Because I wasn't on the lease. Somebody else was, but I was paying the manager cash. so that he can turn the other cheek and allow me to live there. But you didn't participate in the,

you didn't fight the lawsuit. You got served and you were like, whatever. I didn't care because I didn't think that I was coming home. Yeah. So I was kind of in that mode of where I don't give a shit, you know what I mean? Right. But I was like, yeah, it's a joke because I really didn't think that I was actually coming home from prison. Like I didn't think that I was going to actually make it.

Yeah, I mean, I'm mad. Lots of guys like that where I met a guy one time. I've talked about this guy. This guy really, this is the guy I met like the first day. He had horns on his head. Tattooed horns. And I'm just tats all over his face.

And I said, and I was like, bro, like after I talked to him for like four or five days, one day we were talking. He seemed so normal. And one day I looked at him and I went, you seem like a nice guy.

And he was like, okay. And I go, what's with the fucking horns? And he goes, he started laughing. And he goes, well,

I got 15. I think he got like 10 or 15 years in a state prison. He said there were guys being killed every week. He said two weeks. He said like there's like, I forget how many murders in the state prison, whatever it was. He goes, and I genuinely didn't think I was coming home. So he said, you know, I had a buddy who did tattoos. He said, and one day I said, you know what would be cool?

Tattoos of horns on my head is when we found a picture. I said, yeah, like that. He goes, he tattooed them. He said, I already had some tats on my neck. And he said, the thing is, you know, is he got to a point where after 15 years he was he was being moved to the feds for like five years he's like now i realize he's like i'm coming home and i'm stuck with tattoos all right so i was going to get tattoos my whole neck and and my head i used to shave my head right so my head

was going to be all tatted back right but the day that i was going to move into the due cell to start right i got got in got into prison riot and that's why these aren't aren't aren't finished actually finished yet so that's that's a bite mark right here from the self-fight motherfucker motherfucker grab grab my fucking grab my tattoo off and i just bro i laid his ass down and i felt so bad about it bro like i woke him up with cold water um he was unconscious bro like he was unconscious he was like completely gone like blood all over like scattered on the wall and shit like it was it was dark man did you did you did you lose a chunk of skin i sure did yeah for sure i yeah yeah of course i did look at that i hit him so hard that it split right here in half

it was like a a piggy bank in the front and his eyes were like completely black i used to fight a lot so I was, like, practicing, like, MMA type of shit, you know what I'm saying? So that's the type of shit that I went to, like, for elbows and shit, you know what I mean? And that's what it was, bro. Like, when I got into fight with somebody, it wasn't like, all right, you're going to beat me up, and then we're going to call it good. I'm thinking, like, if you fight me, you put your hands on me. I'm going to try to cut your life very short, you know what I mean?

Um, that's, that's, that's, that's the thing about these dudes on different podcasts that talk about like, oh, yeah, well, big dudes have it better in prison. No, they don't. It's about who has the least to lose, you know. That's the most dangerous individual in prison. It's not about how big you are, how much muscles you have. It's about that small guy right there that doesn't have, uh, no soul behind those eyes. I guarantee he's, he's going to, he's going to kill you. You know what I'm saying?

Or he's going to un-alive you. Sorry. What was the thing? The guy you got to be worried about is a quiet kid. That's a quiet kid in the corner, you know what I'm saying? Because that's a dangerous-ass kid. Let me tell you, you know what I'm saying? And I know because when me, I was this dude that was really kind to people.

And when it came to like somebody talking shit or something, I'm like, all right, cool. but when it gets times to actually be there you know what i'm saying i'm like we're not going to have that altercation we're like okay cool man you win i shake your hands and and we're all good bro you punch me in the face and we're we're all good you know what i'm saying it's like no we're going to have that altercation we're going to make it extremely bloody and if we exist afterwards so be it if not well then so be it as well you know what i'm saying and like that's that's the way it was you know what I mean but when you come out of here in this world it's vastly different not too many people are about that bro you're like what the fuck

and this is a civilized society you thank God they're not yeah thank God they're not right because you're thinking like oh this is what human beings need this is what humans being human beings do like you know what it means like you don't want the world wrote to be like that like you know what i'm people care for each other out here people like give hand waves and you know like you know they stop for each other open up up the up the door for each other um like you see you homeless well i do i give them five bucks i'm like of course there's five bucks bro you know what i'm saying um that's a life that i didn't have no idea about bro you know what I'm saying.

God's being good, man, to me. You know what I mean? So what are you doing now, full time? I'm doing these lives, TikTok. So, guys, Victor Gonzalez, 0511, resilient minds. Another shameless plug. Oh, my God, Matt, really? Yeah, bro, you got to, though.

You know, you got to. How often are you doing these? I do lives every single day. it's been one of the coolest parts to actually talk to your community of people and it's not about you like talking about prison it's more like a counseling session for me like talking about my past growing up you know

you talk about to these people who are bro they believed in me since day one like I got usernames in in my head Candace Foster that Michelle Sophie you know everything Emily like these are old old old school mom these are followers that have been down for me since day one these are all women do you understand what my wife would do if I was like my wife is very good at it she's like you know what they support you're good I'd be terrified

of my wife bro she would she would be like if I came in and said Emily sent me $200 or I was I was talking to Emily on the fact she'd be like what she's like hold on just let me get my uh sandal right off really quick and we'll we'll get back to it. Yeah, bro, it's crazy, right? But they send you. So it's like, it's cool, man. You see, like, it validates you, bro.

Because you're like, you know, like you feel like maybe I'm not such a better person. Maybe I could be a part of this community where people care for each other and you don't have to actually respond with aggressive violence. Like, what the fuck is that? You know what I'm saying? Like, no, man, we can't, you know what I mean? um i can trauma man you know yeah and we were talking about we talked about we were talking about ticot or um you starting a uh youtube channel have you started the channel i have you started the

channel i have but i want to get it started so it started right now i really wasn't sure sure what i was doing yet but i'm like barely starting it off um uh victor 20 piece um um Victor 20 pieces. Victor 20 pieces. It's kind of a long name. You know what I'm saying? But that's what I'm saying. I'm barely figuring these things out.

Like, I don't know how to do it. Like with the TikToks, we were out here having a moment at the coast. And somebody's like, are you Victor from the live, TikTok live? I go, I'm Victor. He goes, bro. Oh, my gosh. That's so. cool to meet you i was like really dude it is the cool it is the coolest thing right like i wanted to

cry bro i know i'm so appreciative like really do like you know me like you his wife comes on board and she's like bro that's victor babe the one you've been following the whole time i was like oh dude oh that just melt my fucking heart man you know what i'm saying that's cool for sure because man i stay humble bro i got these stooped glasses and all that shit to do this, but if you catch me at home, I'm pretty much not doing that. I'm kind of just with sandals hanging out at home, you know what I'm saying? You know, having some tacos, you know, pretty much. So what do you think?

So you're kind of figuring out the YouTube? Yeah, yeah, we're doing a book right now, too, a book and a documentary. The book is where I'm hoping to make some funds. I don't know. I'm still not that rich guy. But I'm hoping to have a place like this, man. This is pretty nice. Yeah, this is pretty cool.

I think it's above a homeless shelter. Yeah. Pretty cool, bro. Yeah, these mics are pretty bad. It's pretty bad. It's so funny, like we were talking about, like, everything, our equipment is slowly upgraded, upgraded, upgraded. Yeah, when I went to Ian's podcast.

I was, I literally told him that I was in a homeless shelter. I was kind of hoping he would buy it, be like, okay, maybe I could pay half his ticket. No. Son of a bitch. He never fucking paid a dime. I was like, you motherfucker. All right. Listen, bro.

We don't, I don't, that's, listen. You know how many people have been like, have told me like, hey, can you this? Can you? No. No. There's a benefit to you coming here. I bet you would feel some sort of way if I had a big platform with a million people. And then I'm like, hey, man.

Matthew, do you think maybe you could afford a flight? No. Yeah, of course, because you have a million people on your platform. You know what? You know who Michael Francis is? No. Michael Francis is a guy who's got like a million something. He's a former mobster.

He interviews people. He's in California. I flew out there and did his podcast. I paid my own ticket, paid for my own hotel, paid for my own Uber. Matt, it would have been. cool because you can, but when you're in a home, homeless shelter. I hear you, but at that time, I couldn't, you know what happened? You know when I flew out there?

So when I did soft white underbelly, Mark, you were on soft white? Of course. Mark. I'm like that. Of course, Mark. Oh, you're a triple OG, Category 6. I went, I flew out there. Do you know where I was living when I flew out there?

I was living in someone's spare room. I paid my own flight, paid for my own hotel. You should have seen. It's actually funny. The hotel was actually in downtown L.A. it was like a refurbished hotel it was super inexpensive and i thought it was going to be a shithole but it wasn't bad hey man you know man honestly bro um coming from the shelter i think that um you earn what you put in and i think that you know uh coming here here with you

was one of the highlights man super super cool like i'm here here with you, like with Matthew Cox. I'm sitting here with Matthew. I blew you up on my TikTok. I'm like, guys, follow Matthew Cox. We're going to Florida. We're going to be on Matthew Cox. Everybody follow Matthew Cox. And so cool. When this comes out, we'll have to make sure and tell you so you can go on and try and push the video. I'm going to push the shit out of it. Hey, you guys, I appreciate you watching. Do me a favor. Hit the subscribe button. Hit the bell so you get notified a video just like this. Also, we're going to, if you go into the description box, We're going to leave all of Victor's links to his TikTok, all the social medias, you know, YouTube, everything.

So you can go down there, click on it, go there, follow him, subscribe. He's going to be having content come on YouTube. He's going to be interviewing other guys that have done prison time, guys that have interesting stories, stories of redemption. Once again, I really appreciate it. Please follow him. Thank you very much. I appreciate it so much. See you.