Matthew Cox | Inside True Crime Podcast - International Smuggler Reveals His Secrets!

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Starting point is 00:00:59 I'm from NASA! We'll bring the radio. You go down, you make a farch, and you come back. Oh, my, you butt in my. Oh, right. Oh. Ha! Two men sell, well, a homie, little half dead.

Starting point is 00:01:16 Murder was a case that they gave me a big God. I wonder, can they save me? So my father at this point, he was on his third wife, Pat. I used to sit behind her when she had a sunburn, and I would pick off pieces of her back skin when she had a sunburn, and I would eat her skin to get close to her. So she would become my mommy. I would eat her. I'm not even kidding. What a weirdo. Can you believe I went to bed until I was 19?

Starting point is 00:01:41 So I digress. I go to eighth grade at another parochial school where I was actually expelled from that school for devil worship. I wasn't actually worshipping the devil, but these kids that I was friendly with who were altar boys, they had taken a bunch of wafers from a box from the Eucharist, they call it. You're familiar, of course, right. Lamb of God, you take away this. sins of the world. You know, the Pope says, all you wops get out of a lot. And so they take this box, go to Roy Rogers. Remember the Fixins bar? You know what I'm talking about? Where you go and they put like, you know, lettuce, tomato and shit on a burger. They took this burger. They put all

Starting point is 00:02:17 these wafers on the burger. I get there and they go, hey, McCarthy, you want to make Christ with cheese. So they had like all these. Now here's the thing. They were not consecrated. Yeah, if they're not blessed, they're just fucking crackers. Oh my God. They had not. gone through the miracle of the mass. They had not experienced transubstantiation. That was a big argument that I made at 13 years old at the Vatican. Listen, the nuns would dip them in, I went to Corpus Christi Catholic school for a couple of years. They would dip them in their coffee and eat them. They're just crackers. It's just a cracker. It's really all it is. However, you know, when you're 13 years old, and there was also a big spate of grave desecration in Baltimore at the time. So the Archdiocese had their

Starting point is 00:03:01 had their antenna up for any kind of nefarious satanic activity. So I come the next day to school and they don't even let me in the building. They go, go to the rectory. And I'm like, oh, great, another I got to give. So, you know, but just be facetious, of course, you know, allegedly. You know, 20 bucks is 20 bucks. Am I right, father? So I end up going to the rectory, those three kids and these are like tough kids.

Starting point is 00:03:25 They were 13 and they smoked. They had Iron Maiden written on their denim jackets. You know what I mean? These are real badass kids. they're just sobbing in folding chairs. And I walk in and they go, Mr. McCarthy, do you have anything to do with this? And they have the open box of things. And I said, yeah, I didn't take it.

Starting point is 00:03:40 I took a bite. But gentlemen, if I may, put my hands in my shirt, you know, I said, these were not consecrated. These were not, it's not even a desecration of anything. These are just waifers. If we're all here believing in the miracle of the Christ, then can we all agree that until this happens, until these are put through the marijuana? Then what are we even talking about?

Starting point is 00:04:00 What are we even here to do? What are we, Episcopalians? Hello? So anyway, so I have to then just go home. I get expelled, right? My mom calls, and then they do like a weird little internal investigation. And what I used to do, I used to carry around a copy of the Cetanic Bible because I was a weirdo and just to freak out the other kids.

Starting point is 00:04:18 And the school was a really old building. So when we changed for gym, we used to all change together in the men's, like in the men's bathroom, you know? So I used to go in the urinal case. And I used to piss like I was doing a pentagram and I would make up these spells for the kids and I would go because I used to read Macbeth Shakespeare. I used to toil, boil, caldrum bubble and like your half a cousin or whatever, I have a very wide urethra. They call me urethra Franklin. So I used to piss in this big circle. So the kids told all of the administration like, oh, not only did he do the waver thing, but he's pisses like he's making a pentagram and everything else.

Starting point is 00:04:53 Anyway, because my grandmother used to be involved with the diocese, I got back in, that's my sense. second year of seventh grade. So now get through eighth grade, get into now ninth grade, but I'm the age of a 10th grader, right? My dad at this point is hiding vodka bottles. My parents are now divorced. My father is even the third wife. Now he's single, which is no good for anybody. So I remember one time I went to make a turkey pot pie. I turned on the stove in my dad's apartment. After five minutes, I hear pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop. I open the oven door. There's nine just vodka bottles that have exploded like empty vodka bottles why do alcoholics like hide the bottles in the in the oven right doesn't make any doesn't make any sense i'll take bad childhood for 500 Alex thank you my dad would put him

Starting point is 00:05:38 would put like jack daniels bottles like half empty bottles in the the cushions in the couch you'd go sit you'd lay down and be like yeah yeah he fought right yeah exactly thought he was being smooth and he'd hide them in different places jack daniels i didn't realize i was dealing with a hollywood millionaire excuse me we were in evan williams family thank you very much so Anyway, I discover, I discover drugs. And I'm starting to smoke pot. And I'm starting to smoke pot. And again, I'm consumed with girls.

Starting point is 00:06:05 Like, I'm just like, I'm girls. And my father is doing his thing. My mother and I'm not getting along with my stepfather. I'm kind of off like a feral child. I'm like a young smegel or gallum. I'm just kind of running around Baltimore City. We used to go to, I used to take when I was 14, I would go to gay bars. And I would take my shirt off and I would dance around in the middle of the dance floor.

Starting point is 00:06:25 So guys would buy me drinks. I swear to God. And I would take all my friends. I would go, listen, we want to go drinking for free. Let's go down to the hippo in Baltimore and we'll take our shirts off. I thought a long neck was like a brand of beer. I didn't realize it was just like the style of the bottle. So these guys had come up to me and they would go.

Starting point is 00:06:46 And in their defense, they didn't know their else. They just thought they liked a supple boy. They thought I was at least 18. They didn't know I was 14. You know what I mean? So I would go, give me a long neck. Woo! Do some poppers, you know?

Starting point is 00:06:56 Like, I'm just, you know, anyway. So here I am now. I'm in ninth grade. I'm supposed to be in 10th grade. I'm starting to do a lot of pot. I'm starting to experiment with, can I say acid? Sure. All right, fair enough. Acid, that's the thing. And I'm not going to any of my classes. And again, I'm having really a hard time with math in particular. I mean, and I do believe, by the way, had I had not failed seventh grade, I think my life, I don't regret any decisions. And I'm certainly happy with. where I am in my life, my wife and kids and, you know, my bullshit career and everything else. But, like, I think had I not failed seventh grade, I think things would have been very different. But here we are. And then Tampa at the Lakkinta. Hooray. So, anyway, so I go. So now I get through and I ended up getting expelled from Towson High because I had a hit of acid in my jacket.

Starting point is 00:07:49 And somebody told that the administration that I had this hit of acid on me. So now I remember I'm now 15. I'm in ninth grade. I get to turn 16 on May 11th. I just drop out. I just stop going to school. I am not going to school anymore. This is not working out.

Starting point is 00:08:05 And I literally thought, this is how crazy I was, I thought that whatever my story would be ultimately, like I'd be sitting on the couch on some talk show, and it'd be a much better story to be like, oh yeah, I dropped out of the 16th screen. How interesting. So instead of going to my last day

Starting point is 00:08:19 as a 16-year-old ninth grader, I went to go see the three amigos. those. Anyway, so now I decided to go to this community college, and while I'm in community college, I find this book, and it says the 50 best party schools in America. It was from 1983. And I'm looking at this book, and I see Kent State University. I decide that, and I learned, and for the kids listening at home, if you want to go to a school, look at a program that they may have that nobody else is going to apply for. So they have an operative. program at Kent State University.

Starting point is 00:08:55 So I'm like, I can sing opera, I guess. Why not? You want to hear a little? No. Okay. We'll do it later. Later. We'll go to the Ebor City.

Starting point is 00:09:04 So I told the waitress at the restaurant last night. I said, I'm going to Ebor City after this. She goes, my God, they'll kill you. Will not. I know. I thought she was a heavy set girl with glasses. I mean, you know, and she didn't have come back to Milakinta. So her body's still there, right?

Starting point is 00:09:19 Yeah, yeah. In the closet. Yeah. She's fine. She's probably starting to. cool off now. I turn off the AC for the Indian family that owns a place. So we end up applying to this Kent State University. I got into Kent State, okay, scholarship, singing, okay, I'm 17 years old, now I'm a freshman. I'm in Kent State, okay, hooray, whatever. I'm there. I don't go to any classes.

Starting point is 00:09:44 I don't got any classes. I end up like rushing a fraternity, Sigma Chi. I rushed a fraternity. I actually was awarded. They gave me a spear called the Hogan Award because I had sex with the fattest girl at a fraternity party. So they gave me this spear. I lost it along the way, unfortunately. The Hogan? The Hogan. The Hogan Award.

Starting point is 00:10:06 And let me just tell you this one funny thing. So I remember after one of the parties, because I was a pledge, you had to clean up this shit and everything. So after one of the parties, I'm cleaning this brother, because of the way. And he goes, hey, McCarthy, he goes, you want an honorarium. Now, honorariums are essentially when these little like tasks that they'll give you. And if you complete the task, it kind of goes into whatever kind of book that they keep. So when it comes to Hell Week, the more honorariums you have, supposedly the less whatever kind of trouble you'll have to do or streaking or running naked or whatever it is. So I had never been asked to do an honorarium before.

Starting point is 00:10:42 So I go, yeah, sure, that sounds great. No problem. Really easy. So come upstairs, lay on your back, get on the floor. We're going to put a towel over your eyes. All you have to do is try as hard as you can to do a sit-up. And when we're at the 30, by the time we get to the end of 30, you're done. Then you'll get the honorarium, and then, you know, it'll be in the book and it'll be good for you ultimately, you know, when we get into November.

Starting point is 00:11:05 No problem. Get on my back. 9, 10, 15, 20, 25, 26, 27, they pull it off. My face goes right into the sweaty ass crack of this brother, okay? big fat guy. I could feel it was like a wet pudding pop just all over my face, just like this. And I get up and he reaches down. He goes, listen, motherfucker. He goes, we're having a party tonight. You do not wipe off your face. You wipe off off your face. You're going to get like a negative honorarium. So the whole night I had to walk around. You're going out beers and cleaner of ashtrays

Starting point is 00:11:40 and everything else. And they go, hey, shitface, get over here. Well, I ended up quitting like a week later. Quit then. That was the time to quit. I did. Well, I wanted to hang again, because I got laid a couple of times. Even with that shit on my face, I was still, you know, there were fat girls. I wanted to do it.

Starting point is 00:11:56 You know, I'm like, how many, how many these spears can I get? You know, I could join the Zulu nation, you know. So anyway, so now I'm there. We get into November. I haven't gone to any classes. I'm in the middle of Ohio. It's 1990. I wake up one more.

Starting point is 00:12:15 covered in little red dots. And I go, oh, no, I go to the infirmary. I got the fucking chicken pox. I got the chicken pox at college, which, what? Hello? So they say to me, listen, you have an infectious disease. We have to leave you here in the infirmary. You can't leave. So here I am in the infirmary, right? You know, one thing I've been good at is putting off doctors appointments. You tell yourself you're going to do it tomorrow, and then tomorrow turns into next week. And when you finally make that phone call, they tell you you can't get an appointment for three months. This episode is sponsored by ZocDoc. That's one of the reasons I like using Zoc Doc. Zococ lets you search and compare local in-network doctors. Instead of calling office after office,

Starting point is 00:12:57 I can look through real patient reviews, read doctor profiles, and pick the one that feels right for me. I also like that you can actually see available appointment times and book them right then and right there. A lot of appointments happen within 24 to 72 hours, and sometimes you can even find a same day opening. Best of all, it's completely free to use. Your health matters and taking care of yourself shouldn't be complicated. Find and book the right doctor with Zockdoc. Head to Zocdoch dot com slash ITC to get started and check that appointment off your list today. That's Zocdoc.com slash ITC. I'm heating these TV dinners. I'm just alone in like a hotel or a hospital bed from like 1950 and I'm like, what am I going to do? I'm going to fail out of this school again.

Starting point is 00:13:49 I'm going to go back to Baltimore. Now I'm like a total loser. So I'm like crying. So they have a phone there. So I just start calling acting schools. So I call Emerson in Boston. I call New York University. I call Tisch. I get somebody on the phone. Tish School of the Arts, right? I go, hey, can I get some information about how to go to this school, please? I go, what's your address? And I go to the nurse. I go, nurse, where am I? He goes, you're at the Kent State infirmary. I give her the address. A couple days goes by. She's bringing me these applications. And she goes, hey, Brian, what is all this stuff for these schools? I said, yeah, I'm going to apply to these schools and I'm going to get out of Ohio. I'm just going to, I don't know, I guess I'll

Starting point is 00:14:27 go to fucking, I don't know anybody in New York. I don't know anything about New York. I'm just going to, I'll go to New York. Fuck it. So I end up getting an audition date to go to the Tisch School of the Arts. So I go, okay, great. So now I leave now. I go back to my mother. Now it's Thanksgiving. he was over my mother they have a new baby john paul we don't talk to each other irish alzheimer's you forget everything except your grudges okay you're not my dad okay you're not my dad paul leave me alone okay my father's an alcoholic i watched my father at once have anal sex threw away a closet door i mean i started having animal sex and then i said i'm getting out of here this is too much worse thanksgiving ever so anyway so i basically now right so now i get back to baltimore i tell my mother i go look i know

Starting point is 00:15:12 that I'm a disaster. Okay. I know it, but I'm not going to be your problem. Okay. I'm going to go. I'm going to apply to NYU. I'm going to apply to Tish and hopefully this works out. Now, I had no idea at number one, very competitive school. I didn't realize that. I don't know anything about anything. So I go to Tish in January. I go there. I bring my friend Scott. We stayed a youth hostel, which is nicer than the La Kinta, by the way. I remember there's all these Korean kids in the room with us. We made them take us to Birdland, this jazz club, and they made us, I made them buy us all drinks. And Anyway, so I now have this audition to get into Tisch. I'm at my audition for Tisch.

Starting point is 00:15:48 My monologue was butterflies are free. So why aren't we? I start crying in the middle of my audition. I'm convinced I blow it. I meet this heavyset Jewish kid named Eric J. Friedman. And Eric J. Friedman says to me, hey, if you actually get into Tisch, why don't you come a little early and you can live in my dorm room in this, by the way, this should have been a red flag, but I'll get to this story in a minute.

Starting point is 00:16:11 And he goes, you can come when you in May, because I'm not going to move back to Tennessee, so you can, like, live in my dorm room for free for a couple of months. And you can kind of get, because I told him, I said, I don't know anything about New York. I don't even know anybody here. He says, I'll be your friend. Do you come live with me in my dorm? I said, okay, great. I end up getting into Tisch.

Starting point is 00:16:27 I get into Tisch. Who knew? I don't get into NYU, but I get into Tisch because I don't have the academics for NYU. So Tish basically says, look, once you come here, take a bunch of acting classes, and then we'll try and figure out your NYU thing. And by the way, my mother was, I'm not from a wealthy family, you know, don't let the hairpiece fool you. But my mother is not going to spend, which was back then 20 grand a year. So they weren't going to pay for that anyway.

Starting point is 00:16:53 But at this point, I've had to go somewhere. So I end up, that May, I move into New York City. I had less than $250. I have my stepfather's father's war war-war-two era like metal boot camp locker, foot locker thing. and I've got that, some clothes, and just some dreams. So I show up, Eric Jay picks me up. This is 1991 in New York City. And I think this is where I'd like to tell you,

Starting point is 00:17:20 1991 in New York City was the epicenter of the crack epidemic. Nobody was moving to New York City in 1991. It was fascinating, but it was kind of like it was tired. It had been just a mess for 30 years. Nobody gave a fuck about anything. Like it was dirty. It was gross. I don't have ever seen Bad Lieutenant with Harvey Keitel, which is a great movie.

Starting point is 00:17:44 But like it was essentially that was New York. Like nobody wasn't. And I'll tell you what really, and I know we're trying to keep a chronological timeline here, but I'll jump out for one second. Like the thing that really turned New York City around, at least in the international perception of it, was that stupid show sex in the city and friends. Those two shows. Up until then, before then, then it became.

Starting point is 00:18:06 like all about power bottoms and brunch and like you know the west village and fashion but like 1991 there were files everywhere nothing had air conditioning people smoked like just in the hospital and new jack city it was like new jack city it was exactly it was exactly like that so again i didn't know and so nobody when you told people in 1991 you were moving to new york it wasn't like oh it's so expensive people like oh you'll be dead in a week right so i get to pen station i get get met by Eric Chey. Okay, Eric Chey Friedman. I get there and I remember I'm staying in his little dorm room and the first thing he

Starting point is 00:18:43 says to me is that night and he said, boy, you have a, you have a beautiful body. And I said, uh-oh. Oh, boy. Check please. Who had the egg salad? So I go, oh, thanks. And by the way, I'd already been in the theater. I'm already dancing shirtless at the hippo.

Starting point is 00:19:01 So, like, I'm not like some Amish kids showing up. Right. You realize. I just, I needed the place to stay, though. So I got no money. I need a restaurant job. This place isn't exactly free, is it, Eric? Yeah, there's all that's right.

Starting point is 00:19:17 I'm already starting to pull my pants out. I'm like, all right, well, take all the time you need. You can't get me pregnant, Eric. So, you know, so anyway, so I end up like, I'm there. I get a job working at a hula hands, which is like a Benikins, right? They're not around anymore. So I get a job of this hoolahans. I'm waiting tables at this place.

Starting point is 00:19:33 Is Benigans around? You know, Applebee's is still around. Okay. But Penning is probably not. So that's a whole am. I haven't seen Benkins in a while. You were like, you compared it to another place that's out of business. I know, right?

Starting point is 00:19:45 I'm like, yeah. So you kids remember jacking the box? Actually, jacking the box is everywhere. And Hardy's here is Carl's Jr. The West Coast. Anyway, so one day I get this job and we're at a restaurant after about a week. But Eric Jay, he had the best. Jewish kids have the best pot, okay?

Starting point is 00:20:01 Full stop. They're not drinkers, but they love pot. and they love pills. So he and I were smoking all the time, smoking pot all the time. We're hanging out, but he's a total weirdo. There was this other guy named John who he and I,

Starting point is 00:20:14 we're still, he and I are still, we're like best friends now. I knew he was normal. So all of a sudden, I'm like, you got to be my friend. You know what I mean?

Starting point is 00:20:20 But I'm also, I'm barely 18 years old. These guys are like 22, 23, but I've always been the youngest guy in every room until now. Now I'm like, can someone help me with this Wi-Fi? But router, I just met her.

Starting point is 00:20:32 So I end up like after about a week. I'm living in this bedroom with this guy, right? I'm laying there in bed, I'm sleeping. All of a sudden, I kind of wake up a little bit and I feel cold. And I look up in this, it's in the middle of the summer in New York. And we had an Eric Kushner, but I wake up and I realize my covers are down. Eric Jay is standing over me, okay? And he's naked and he's just right on top of my chest.

Starting point is 00:20:55 And he's just jaying off. And I've been dreaming about eating my stepmother's skin, you know, like, because I'm not a weirdo. And, you know, I'm as hard as arithmetic. And so all of a sudden, I kind of, like, I winked my eyes a little bit. And I go, oh, no. And if you've ever pushed a fat Jewish guy off of you while he's ejaculating, I tell you. You know, you'll never, we'll never forget the crossroads again. So I end up like getting out.

Starting point is 00:21:19 I push him off. What are you doing? And he goes, oh, he goes, I don't, I'm sorry. I thought, I thought there was a bug on you or whatever he said. So I thought there was a bond. Yeah, exactly. Right. Right.

Starting point is 00:21:29 Exactly. A bug on you. You made this weird. You know, you made this weird. You're going to ruin Hanukkah. this year. So I jump up. I run downstairs. I had become friendly with the bartender where I worked at this Hula Hans, which apparently isn't our Benning's anymore, right? Right. Back in 02. So I run downstairs. I call this girl and I'm like, I'm almost like, again, I'm not crying. I go, I go, listen, this,

Starting point is 00:21:53 remember I told you I had this real weird guy that I'm living with this big, fat Jewish guy? I said, I just called him jerking off on top of me. I said, she goes, come to my apartment and you can move in with me. So he said, you live with Eric? Yeah, she goes, Eric. No shortage in the village those years. She goes, which one? She goes, don't you know what's a Wednesday? That's what they do on Wednesdays, right? So she goes, did you let him finish?

Starting point is 00:22:15 No, you're the weirdo. So I go, so I go stay with her, okay? Stay with her. The next day I go back and I get my father, my stepfather's father's foot locker. And I get that. You know what he also had my stepfather, who I never got along with,

Starting point is 00:22:29 but he gave me all of his dad's like Nazi stuff, like killing them, not like, hey, check out this arm band. I like to wear around the house when I'm banging your mom. No, but like, you know, so anyway, so I go. Killing that what? So my stepfather's father. Right.

Starting point is 00:22:43 Was in World War II. And when my stepfather passed away, my mother says, I want you to have all of his dad's war booty. So my mother gives me all this like stuff with swastikas on it. Like so like the knives. Yeah, the knife. Yeah, matter of fact, a big knife, right. My mother says, just don't make a shrine to Hitler.

Starting point is 00:23:03 I said, who do you think? Who did you raise? My God. This will be great. I'll put this next to my Ava Braun Pinnock picture. This will be terrific. Do you have any of my stepmother's skin I can put next to this? You know, just to even out the tones.

Starting point is 00:23:18 Maybe I can sell some of the stuff on your Etsy store. We'll talk after the show. So anyway, so I live with this girl. I go back the next day to get that foot locker thing. And then I remember like Eric Jay smoking a cigarette and he's at the window and he's wearing these big sunglasses and he won't even look at him. And he goes, I'm over you now. I'm over you.

Starting point is 00:23:35 Don't worry. Don't worry. I'm over. Yeah, you made this weird. Yeah. You missed your chance. You missed your chance. You little F word.

Starting point is 00:23:43 You know, so anyway, so now we'll get to the drug stuff. So now I get. You know this is a crime. Yeah. Yeah. The crime is I was born. So I end up living with this girl. And now I sort of start living in New York City, right?

Starting point is 00:23:59 Now I decide that I'm going to these classes at 10. I'm not actually at Tisch, but I'm taking classes in Tisch. So I'm sort of like Tisch adjacent, right? I have this magazine. It's like a newspaper called Backstage. I open it up and I see, this is where all the advertisers for actors and that kind of thing. And I see this audition for, and you can, by the way, all this stuff can be looked up, okay? Just so you know, because I had asked Colby, sometimes these stories stay sound fantastical and far-fetched,

Starting point is 00:24:27 but this can all be at this point moving forward where you can Google all this. So I see an audition for the New York production of Coed Prison Sluts, the Musical. And there's an audition for an actor to play the part of an 11-year-old who was put in jail for being a peeping Tom. You said, my God, was this written for me? I said, hello, let me check my calendar. I'm available. And so I go for this audition and I nail it. And I tell the people that Tish, you're not supposed to audition for stuff.

Starting point is 00:25:00 when you're in like the Tisch program. So they only go for like their acting program. I tell them, I go, listen, I got this, they don't pay me anything and it's all off Broadway, but I think this is my ticket. And they go, well, you can't do it. I said, well, fuck you, I quit. So now I'm playing the part of Skeeter,

Starting point is 00:25:15 who's put in jail for being a peeping tom. My mom always told me how lucky I was to have her watch over my heart so girls wouldn't take advantage of me for my male body part. Huh? Pretty good, right? I do weddings, bar mitzvahs. I'll give you a car,

Starting point is 00:25:30 before I leave. So I get in this show, okay? Now I'm in this show. And I tell my friends back in Baltimore, I go, hey, I'm in this, I'm in this show. And this one kid, I didn't know him very well, but he was a freshman at Johns Hopkins. And he goes, hey, you're up there in New York. Can you get me some pot? And he goes, I want to buy a quarter pound of pot. I said, yeah, I know people. I go, he goes, he goes, what does, what does cost? I said, let me check with the, let me check with the guy I know. Hey, Jerome. I said, um, I said, um, I said, um, he's, he goes, he goes, Why don't you send me 600 bucks? That'll cover it.

Starting point is 00:26:02 So I figured I could find a quarter pound for $400 and I could make $200 for myself because I have no money. When I was in this rehearsals for the show, I lived on 43rd Street with the South African Rotar guy. And I used to have to walk up to 92nd Street at the Lexington, 90nd Street. Why? Because I couldn't afford the 85 cents on the train. I was broke as a joke.

Starting point is 00:26:23 So I get the $600. I don't know what to do. My show is performing with the growth. Street playhouse off of Christopher Street and the West Village. So it's right by Washington Square Park, which was and still is a hotbed of drug activity. So I figure I'll go down to that park and I'll just kind of, I'll look cool, walk around, you know, I'll put a comb in my back pocket, you know, I'll sort of go up to the homeboys and see what's cracking. So I'm walking around this Washington Square Square is small, but I'm walking around this little feral-faced white guy

Starting point is 00:26:55 comes up to immediately. It's got a backpack and he looks all greasy. And he goes, And I said, hi, I need to buy a quarter pound of pot. And he goes, oh, okay. And because he should sell dime bags or nickel bags. I mean, I really just jump right in this guy's pocket. I mean, I might as well had a lollipop and like a blonde hair with curls or something, you know, like little Lord Fauntleroy. You know, I was just like, hey, I had this money. And he goes, well, come tomorrow.

Starting point is 00:27:20 And he goes, and I thought I was being smart. He goes, what do you want to spend? I said, $400 for, because I figured each ounce, quarter ounce, one ounce, a hundred dollars an ounce. I'm just kind of doing the math. And as we as I have may have told you earlier, I'm not good with math, but I figured still $200 for me, $400, I'll mail it at UPS, and with that. So the next day I show up, he's got it in this brown bag gives it to me, just give me the money, give him the money. He just kind of runs away. And I take the bag and I take it down to my rehearsal for my show.

Starting point is 00:27:48 And the director was this cool guy. And I sell, I show him, I go, hey, because I've been smoking pot for years and doing kind of whatever drug you put in front of me. At this point, it's mainly just acid and pot. but I go, I go, hey, check this out. And make sure I didn't get ripped off. So it takes a Ziploc bag and he looks at it. He goes, this is oregano. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:28:05 He goes, he just bought $400 worth of oregano. I said, uh, 600. I kept $200 for myself. Don't get it twisted, buddy. So I go, oh, shit. I go, well, maybe it's sprayed with something. Maybe it's like a PCP or Love Boat or something. Or maybe this pot is so good that they make it look like oregano.

Starting point is 00:28:24 So that no one will, you won't get into. trouble. He goes, I doubt it. So I end up mailing this, this, this, this, this, this, this, this, this, this, $400 worth of the kid. The kid goes, you just mail me $400 worth of oregano. I said, no, I meant you $600 for the oregano. But, you know, buyer beware. He was pissed in me for years. Like, I mean, if you, if I ran in him right now, it's probably still what he remembers now. So, but that was the first time that I ever sold drugs in any capacity. So now, you didn't, by the way, I didn't. Well, again, you weren't selling drugs. If you sold, yeah, if you smoke the quarter pound of oregano you probably get high i would imagine you know at least some kind of a

Starting point is 00:29:00 crazy headache you know i mean especially if you're uh eating your stepmother's skin at the same time you know what i mean it's a contact high from just the shame you know what i mean maybe a little glass of of uh of urine that you bought off of a homeless girl um i bore city folks um now and forever so i now figure out now i've got my sea legs i've been in new york for about a year i'm working at a nice restaurant. I was in that show. The show didn't work out. I'm not really interested in show business anymore. Okay. I just, I'm now just kind of living. I'm like, I mean, because New York City is very exciting place to live when you're, when you're 19 and you have no regard for your own personal safety, right? So it's just a lot of fun just to just to be there, right? So now I'm working,

Starting point is 00:29:41 and I work with this gay guy and he says to me, hey, you know, all we ever do is smoke pot. We should put our money together and we'll buy pot and I'll sell it to my, gay friends and whoever it is and you can sell to your people and you can like let's become like pot dealers i said that sounds like kind of fun so there was this girl that we worked with and we happened to know that her boyfriend was one of these like white guys that acted like he was like black you know and he was real scary guy like sideways hat and a tangle and everything you know and he lived somewhere in the east village and he had like a he had a daughter like he would sometimes come to the restaurant to pick her up and and she said yeah my boyfriend you know he's kind of in the scene or

Starting point is 00:30:20 whatever it is. And I was like, oh, you're like, Try a Paul Quest, you know, trying to, you know, like with my, my kenticloth fanny pack, you know, like a real douchebag. And so I go to this, this guy, and I go, hey, I'd like to buy some pot from you. So we, he sells the two of us, he sells us a half a pound a week. I bought a triple beam scale. And back in those days, you could go to like sex shops, like in, in, like right around Times Square.

Starting point is 00:30:47 And they had all the, you know, the dildos and butt plugs and, and, and, and, and, and, By the way, when you clean those things, don't put them in the bottom part of the dishwasher. Those are for the top rack, okay? Because if you want to get... Visit BetMGM Casino and check out the newest exclusive. The Price is Right Fortune Pick. BetMGM and GameSense remind you to play responsibly.

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Starting point is 00:31:34 Because the ridges, you got to go under the veins with your thumb to really get the dookie out. But anyway, so when you go to the back of this store and they had this book and they have all their little bags, andine bags for H. Ron, as they call it, or bags for this and that. So I went in, I got a little like pot dealer starter kit, right? So I got bags for eighths. And then I didn't want to sell like dime bags and come on. Hello. So I got mainly bags for quarter ounces and then bags for eighths. And then I had the triple beam and I had my own. And I went and got bought myself a pager. So I went down to 14th Street and I bought a pager. What is yours? This is 1992. So this is 92. So I shop everywhere, but I buy on 14th Street. That used to be the ads that they would have. So I go to 14th Street.

Starting point is 00:32:19 I get this pager. And then I also went to like a printing shop. And I made little business cards. And I had my, my page number on them. And I put my name, Brian McCarthy and I wrote, I sell pot. And underneath it, I wrote, underneath that, I put clown available for kids because I had like little graphics you could put on the card. So I put like a clown face on it. I put a little balloons. I try to make a joke of it. You know what I mean? So I would just meet people when I'd be out and about. And I go, hey, but just so you know, I sell pot. If I had like a cool table at my restaurant, I would go, this was a coconut grill. It's not there anymore.

Starting point is 00:32:54 And I would go, hey, I hope you enjoyed dinner. Hey, by the way, I also sell, I also sell pot. So here's a card for you. So I just started giving these cards out to people, like, just all over the place. You know what I mean? Sorry, we didn't have your internet, Colby. Sorry, I'm not on Grindr like everybody, like everybody's a hot guy in Tampa. So I go and I start giving it.

Starting point is 00:33:12 So I start getting my painter starts to. right and I'm riding around and back in those days there was st. Mark's place which is technically like 8th street and right off the same marks on on second avenue between st. Mark's and 7th it was like the it was like the stolen bike like bizarre so you go down there and for $200 you can just buy a stolen bike 100 bucks 200 bucks and you buy a stolen bike from because I don't care what kind of lock you put on this thing I don't care what kind of titanium blah blah blah somebody would steal your bike in like 10 seconds. I don't care if you just blinked. So you would just own the bike until somebody stole that bike and then that person would then have that bike and then you'd buy another stolen bike. So I never

Starting point is 00:33:52 felt badly about buying stolen bikes because it was just kind of renting for a while. And then somebody would steal it. So I bought a Trek 800 mountain bike and I had my pager and I had all my eights of and I would just hang around on our Friday night just like see what happens. And I would get buds. I would get, I wouldn't know anybody and I would just go to selling aides. Typically my eighths of We're $40 and I would make $25. So I make $15 on each eighth. I mean, I'm not, I'm not the cool DJ Herc or anything. But I'm making enough to basically, I was spending about $800 a week and I was making $800 a week.

Starting point is 00:34:27 I remember one time I got a pager from some number. I don't know who it was. I found a pay phone and this woman said, I'll meet you on the corner. I wouldn't go to their apartment because I had the bike, right? So I get there and this woman gets out of this cat. She's like in an evening gown. She's like, oh, geez, could be 25, could be 35, I don't know. Blonde knockout.

Starting point is 00:34:46 She comes up, first thing she does, he just starts making out with it. Just making it out and be like crazy. Like all over me. And she goes, come with me. I'm like, okay. So she gets back in the cab. I'm following my bike like Henry Higgins from Beezus and Ramona. I'm on my little bike.

Starting point is 00:35:02 I'm like following her. You know, we get up to this real dodgy part of town, like 110th Street on the west side. And I get up and she's living in, Do you know what an SRO is? It's basically it's an acronym, single room occupancy. So they're like, it's like a welfare hotel, right? So it's basically like a place where you go and you have a room,

Starting point is 00:35:21 but the bathroom and sometimes a kitchen or whatever is on the same hallway. So I'm like, what the fuck am I going? But I think I'm going to get late, right? So I go in and I tap my bike with me and I kind of leave it like in the lobby. I asked a guy behind the bullet group glass. I'm like, Kylie, my carrie goes. Yeah. Fuck, go upstairs of this girl.

Starting point is 00:35:38 and she pulls out like a crack pipe. But with the water, a water crack pipe, I'm kind of like, oh boy, what will we get into here? But she's smoking the pot in the pipe. So anyway, she's like, she turns out like my girlfriend for a couple of weeks. We used to have sex and then she's cry for a while, you know. She was an escort. She was like a high priced, she was a high priced escort. So anyway, so I'm, so this is my life.

Starting point is 00:36:02 I'm just selling pot. I'm out there. Boop, bobo, bo bo bo bo bo, bo. Well, that white guy, I stopped working at that restaurant because I'm making too much money. need to work at the coconut grill anymore. So now I'm, and that, that white guy, that just, that kind of goes away. So I'm like, what am I going to, where's my, my connection as, as the kids call it. Sorry, no, I sound like I'm on a bad episode of Starsky and Hutch. I need a new, I needed a new connect player. So I decide I'm like, I need a new connection. So back in those days,

Starting point is 00:36:28 on that same marks I'd mentioned, there were all of these Jamaican guys that hung out like in these weird, like Jamaican stores. They're weird, not because you're Jamaican, but just because it It was like, they sold like incense and those black, those bean pies and those stores reportedly, if you went in there and you kind of gave them the wink or whatever it is, you could buy pot in those stores. And so I started to buy, it was called the cultural boutique. I used to buy, so I was starting to buy like dime bags from these guys. And by the way, if I was like an NYPD guy, this is really how you infiltrate.

Starting point is 00:37:01 I mean, I probably give me one of those Adrian Brody fake dreadlock wigs or something. But like I started buying dime bags of these guys. And then I realized pretty quickly like I was out of pot. So I went in to these guys and I said, hey, I need to buy like at least I work with this gay guy. I'm not going to bring them around those guys because Jamaicans do not fuck with gay shit. Like that's not batiman, no. That's strictly for pooping. Not strictly for pooping.

Starting point is 00:37:27 Not for exit only. Exit only. Anyway. So I'm like, all right. I got you. No problem. So I go in and I said, I need to buy like a half of time. pound and they go, I'll do the accent because who cares. They go, all right, Mr. McCartee, these

Starting point is 00:37:40 are what are we going to set it for you? We got lambs bread here. Lams bread, lambs bread, lambs bread. Now, that is a type of lamb's bread looks like tootsy rolls. Okay. So when you buy it, it looks like little brown pellets, okay? And you have to kind of, but it's, it has a little appliancey to it. It does have a little, so it's moist, but kind of not really. But it's really great. Number one, if you're some weirdo, in and I like to smoke my Marvana Visa cigarette tobacco. I break it up into tobacco. Like, number one, don't do that.

Starting point is 00:38:13 It's tacky. And also, you don't wear a watch with a tuxedo. Because you know why? When you're wearing a tuxedo, time doesn't matter. Okay, you heard it from me first. So I'm like, all right, so, but it doesn't look like green. It's a different product, right? But it was also really strong.

Starting point is 00:38:32 And it was also really great for like for a bong or for a pipe. because you could just take it and you could break a little piece off. I mean, you'd get like the THC or whatever like schmuts on your fingers. But if you could cut it up, but there was a bit of a learning curve with my, with my clientele. So I started being like the Manhattan lamb's bread guy and I'm buying this stuff. Like I would buy this, this and I would selling. So I started selling lambs bread. I would say it was a little more expensive about $60 for a quarter for a quarter for

Starting point is 00:38:59 for a quarter rounds. No, sorry, $60 for an eighth. I'm going around. And right around this time, people would also say. to me, hey, can you get any, it rhymes with, and I'll leave Tom out of this because he's a thick head of hair, but it rhymes with Rogaine, okay? Can I say that word on the show? Probably not. But a little booger sugar. Okay, we all know what I'm talking about here? Yeah, soft, soft. Or white. Hey, hey, leave my heart.

Starting point is 00:39:22 Power, powder. Leave my honeymoon out of this. Am I right? Exactly. Hey, once you lose a little weight, maybe I'll get hard, huh? You're a freak. Why do you smell like my mother? Where's my step? I need my stepmother over here. Give me a nice chunk of back fat I can nib on. So, so I basically, this is fun. We're having a good time. So I, now, people say to me, hey, can you ever get any, can you ever get any soft? I was kind of like, yeah. Now, here's what I'd like your audience to know, the seven people that are left listening. What I want to explain is back in those days, and this, you had mentioned New Jack City. New York City has Harlem, right, 120th Street to about 140th Street west of St. Nicholas Avenue, right? That's kind of like,

Starting point is 00:40:07 that's Harlem. Above that is a neighborhood called Washington Heights. And you have the George Washington Bridge that comes over from New Jersey. And that area was, and funny enough, I'm so old now, I have like doctors up there now. So my hematologist, okay, Dr. Lipsfield, very nice, okay, doesn't work on Fridays for obvious reasons. He's up on 166th Street. That whole neighborhood is Dominican. And back in the early 90s, up until they had a huge, the police went up there. Once Giuliani got in there, they've ruined it for everybody. So thanks a lot, you fucking weirdo. But that whole area was like a, it was a soft super store. It was like you could just go up there and every corner sold soft. But here's the thing. Like, I don't know anybody up there. So I just did

Starting point is 00:40:55 the same thing that I used to do. And I learned from one of the busboys at the coconut grill where I worked, he would say to me, he goes, he goes, if you ever want to buy drugs on the street from somebody who's Dominican or Puerto Rican or whatever, don't say coca or whatever, you say, Perico, you say, I want perico. Now, Perico, the slang word, it is the local slang word, and it is roughly translated. I'd have to ask my housekeeper, although one now is Polish, hates Russians. You have to say Perico, which means bird seed. Okay, that's what it's. means. So I'm like, all right, I'll just go up there and I'll just look for some bird seat. I don't know. I'll say bird seat, bird seat. So I go up to 186 street, okay, and that neighbor back

Starting point is 00:41:39 then was fucking terrifying. It was like, bachata music and blah, blah, blah. It was like going into like New Year's Eve for, for Latin people every night of the week. So I get up there and I just see a bunch of guys on the corner and I go, yo, I careo perico, por favor, mess amigos. And I look very similar to a Mexican comedian named Chal Bello. I know, if you, you guys will look it up. It's remarkable how much I look like, chaubello. And so I would go, Perico, chaubello, chaubello. And they'd go, oh, chaubello, chauvela, vienna, vienna. And he would go, vienna, come with me, come on, my friend, my friend. So I would go into a little weird apartment building, go upstairs. There'd be a triple beam on like a, on a kitchen

Starting point is 00:42:19 table. There'd be like a grandma sitting on some couch covered in plastic, and they'd have a big chunk of soft, boom. And I would buy like, you know, I would usually like, I would take orders for it because I didn't know enough about it. I didn't have enough of an inventory that made sense. And plus, I would probably just do it. So I would wait to so many ago, I want an eight ball. I want a gram. So I'd sort of like make up a bit of a, you know, a shopping list.

Starting point is 00:42:46 And I'd go up there and I would sell it for 80 a gram and I would pay in the neighborhood of say, 25 or 30. So it was a much higher profit, you know, sale that I would do. And this one time I had this customer of mine. Let's just call him Mark McKelvey. And Mark calls me one time. And I go down to his place, right? He lives down in the East Village.

Starting point is 00:43:07 And I show up. He calls me. And he goes, he calls me in a pay phone. And I go up to his apartment. And he goes, you have any parico? He called it, you know, wherever he called it, right? Soft. And I go in there.

Starting point is 00:43:19 There's this girl with him. It's beautiful girl. And she comes down. She has the Australian accent. She goes, are you the boy with the gear? I said, yes, ma'am. I'm the boy with the gear. And so I take it.

Starting point is 00:43:29 out. I'm like putting it out and they don't ask me to leave and again I don't have any friends. I wonder why. I mean, you probably can't wait for me to leave. And so I'm like hanging out. We're starting to like do the soft. I used to have this deering grinder, this little black grinder thing because it was really rocky. So I used to put it in and I put some out and we're doing a little, you know, blah, blah, blah, blah, he goes into the bathroom, you know, to take a poop. And then I'm alone with this girl. She starts to make it out with me. And he's in the other room in this one bedroom. So he comes out. He catches us and he's kind of like, hey, and I said, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. And he goes, well, he goes, it's okay. He goes, you're going to charge me for the, for the, for the salt. And I go, now I'm like, oh, because I've had sex with a girl with another guy before. I'm like, oh, now I'm having a night out. You know what I mean? So I go, no, and I'm not going to charge you at all. So fast forward about two hours later, two of us are naked.

Starting point is 00:44:18 She's down to her underwear, okay? I'm harder than algebra. I'm standing there like baby Huey. I got a pretty big gong. I tried to show Colby a picker earlier, but he's a religious guy. So I'm like. I'm like standing there with this girl and I'm going to take her underwear down. And she says the one thing that you never want to hear someone tell you

Starting point is 00:44:36 when you're about to take their underwear off. Okay. She goes before you're transgender. She goes, she goes, before you do that, she goes, something you should know. And I'm kind of like, and I don't, I don't see like a bulge or anything or, you know, I'm kind of like, I don't know, what am I going to see? You know what I mean? So I go and she goes, just so you know, I used to be a man.

Starting point is 00:44:59 And this is like 1992. I'm like, what? Like, this is even a thing. You know what I mean? Like, I was going to call the fucking fire department. You know, like, and so I look at Mark and I go, and he goes, and I said, and if it gets weird, we'll just, I'll just tap out or we can just stop. You know what I mean? Like, let's just see what this is about. So this is just what's going on as I'm selling drugs. Okay. This type of crazy activities going on for about, let's just say six months or whatever it is. And finally, one day bringing it back. I'm like America's favorite president. I weave. I bob and I weave. So I come back and now I say to the Jamaican guys, I go, boy, I would love one time

Starting point is 00:45:39 to go to Jamaica because I know Jamaican men and you can back me up on this. I don't know why, but you can back me up on this, but Jamaican men do not eat. So I would always joke with these Jamaican roster guys. I would go, I'm going to go down to Jamaica one of these days and I'm need so much. You're going to call me the king of the white man or whatever. I don't know. You know, like, I would always joke around. So one time I'm down there and the lead, there was this albino guy. I used to call him Yellow Man because there's a famous Jamaican, like a reggae guy named Yellow Man. And he goes, Brian, if you can never get down to Jamaica,

Starting point is 00:46:14 the same lambs bread, you buy ear for $800 a quarter pound. You get down there for a hundred a pound. I can set it up for you. You bring the radio. You go down. You make a far. You make a watch and you come back. I was kind of like, oh, okay, great. You're going to wash his car or what? I'm seeing mama me at 8 o'clock. Let's hurry up, Punjab. So I would always go, okay, okay, whatever, whatever. So finally, at the time I had my roommate, Brandon, he's dead now, unfortunately, but he's from Baltimore. I know him from Baltimore. He went to school with Tupac Chacore. Interesting. And we were living together over in Hell's Kitchen, and he was my party guy. And I said to Brandon one night, I said, what if I paid for us and the two of us go down to Jamaica?

Starting point is 00:47:00 Apparently that yellow man, that freckily albino guy, said that if we go down to Jamaica, okay, we can, if we bring our own radios, he said that he has the whole thing set up. We'll get picked up by his cousin or like your cousin, some cousin. Everyone's got a cousin. We'll get picked up by a cousin. He'll bring us out to a pot farm. We'll be there for five or six days. We'll enjoy the Duns River Falls.

Starting point is 00:47:24 we'll have some jerk chicken, we'll just do whatever the fuck. And then at the very end of their dime, they're going to stuff a bunch of that lamb's bread in two big bricks. He said they'll cover it with carbon paper and shrink wrap it. He goes, it'll be fine. We're not going to be drug mules. We're not drug mules here, okay? We are entrepreneurs and I will pay you, okay?

Starting point is 00:47:44 And he's telling me that depending upon the size of the radio, I'll take a bigger one. Okay, you take a smaller one. But I figure we can bring about 40 to 50, pounds of weed from Jamaica back to New York and then we come back and I can sell this stuff and I'll just I'll be I'll be whatever I'll pay a couple thousand dollars and it'll be fun you want to do it and he was at the time you know scores the Titty Bar scores okay so at the time he was the bathroom guy at score so you would go into bathroom but he had like all that he's the only it was the best job he ever had he's the only guy

Starting point is 00:48:19 that was good at it I was occasionally do it but he was about your height um four or leavens and so he would occasionally, I'm sorry, I'm just joking around, I'm a huge fan, but he would occasionally like, I would wear his tuxedo, so I look like lurched from the Adams family, and I hated that job. I would stay in there in the bathroom, and these guys have come in and go like, hey, I mean, what do you think about Destiny? Did she like Dracard Noor or Fahrenheit 451? I'd be reading like an acting book, like, here should tell a motherfucker. But Brandon, he ran that thing like he was too sure. You guys are coming in the bathroom, he go, hey, who's coming their pants over here? You want a little, I can wipe your ass.

Starting point is 00:48:53 give me $5 a fucking sucky. The bathroom was like his fucking Xanadu. He ran that bathroom like nobody. He made a fortune too. He'd make like a thousand dollars on a Friday night. Anyway, so I said, you want to do this and you come down with me? I actually had his job. And one night, a guy came into the bathroom and he threw up all over like the bathroom

Starting point is 00:49:15 stall. And I didn't realize his whole place was run by the mob. Like a couple years later, the mob, like there was a big mob shootout and a bunch of people died like on 60th Street. It's now called Sapphire. And I remember, like, the guy threw up all over the place, and this guy comes in. There was always, like, a host or a manager, just some greaseball in a fucking tuxedo would come in there. And this guy looks in the stall, and he says to me, and he goes, hey, clean up the store.

Starting point is 00:49:37 There's a bunch of vomit in the store, clean it up. And I was like, excuse me, I'm an independent contractor. Okay? I work with the towels and all of the, because I work for like a private company just in the bathroom. I was like, I'm not here to clean the stall. And he looks at me, he goes, you're saying no to me. And I said, well, hello, it's not a union job. I'm not the guy that you must have a custodial staff or something. So then a minute later, another guy comes in and he goes, hey, Brian, you're going to go like right now. You're going to go like right now.

Starting point is 00:50:06 Like we have to get you out of, what do you call it, the big house? Is that it? The pokey. I'm not a, you know, none. And a guy just got out of prison. And the guy was literally just going to kill me. So they let me out and I left. And that was that. So I didn't have the job anymore. So I say to Brandon, who again was great at that job, it was like the high watermark of his life. He died homeless years later. Brandon says to me, I'm in. I'll go. Let's go to Jamaica.

Starting point is 00:50:30 It'll be fun. So I book tickets, okay? And I'm like the two of us ago. I go down to 14th Street where the beeper's places were. And you know, York Radio, the really shitty, it's called like York. It's like a knockoff brand of like a, I buy one big one with two detachable speakers. And I buy a smaller one that doesn't have detachable speakers. And I'm like, let's just bring these things with us.

Starting point is 00:50:51 I make arrangements. And the Jamaican guy, the Freckily albino guy says, all right, listen, you're going to get down to Montego Bay. I gave my flight information. It's a kosher meal. And I said, I'm going to get down there. And he goes, when you get off the plane, go down to bag and claim, even though I carried on, and he goes, someone will meet you down there.

Starting point is 00:51:08 I'm like, okay. It's like all the information I have. I never been to Jamaica. All right. So why? Get there. I get down. I'm waiting there.

Starting point is 00:51:16 Kind of standing there. All of a sudden, here comes. this guy with like an AK-47, like a green fucking beret, like a military guy. And he comes up and he goes, are you Brian McCarthy? I go, Eureka, I'm already, I'm already buffed. The jig is up. I'm already busted. I'm like, oh, shit.

Starting point is 00:51:33 I said, yes. And I've learned, by the way, just keep it cool. You know what I mean? Just keep it cool. Just keep it relaxed. I said, yes, I am Brian McCarthy. What am I going to say? You know what I mean?

Starting point is 00:51:42 Like I'm Brian McCarthy. I said, yes, I'm Brian McCarthy. And he goes, all right. He goes, come with me. I'm like, okay, Brandon, go with this guy. So I'm thinking we're going to keep taking back. I know, we're going to customs or fucking jail or embassy. I don't know what.

Starting point is 00:51:57 We go outside. By the way, the Montego Bay International Airport, like if you're not with like some sort of bus tour or something like that, like two white kids. And by the way, I looked like I was about 11 years old back then. So I come off. I got my radio on my backpack, you know, a bunch of rubbers, you know. And I'm like, I get off. All of a sudden, here comes up this like 20-year-old. So this is like the mid-70s, B&D.

Starting point is 00:52:18 pulls out covered in Christmas lights, okay? And this guy leans out and he goes, oh, you Brian McCarthy? I'm like, Jesus Christ. And he goes, get in, get in. So I go, okay, so Brandon and I get in to this, this 2002. That's the model, not the year, BMW, covered in Christmas lights. And this guy turns around, he goes, I'm the godfather. I go, so, hello, hi, I'm Brian.

Starting point is 00:52:41 This is Brandon? And he goes, I want to take it to a hotel for one night. And then after the hotel, we'll take you to the farm. I go, okay. So we get in. we drive like, I don't know, like a, like a mile into this really super dodgy part of Montego Bay. And I remember, like, I asked the guy, go, hey, we love to smoke pot. Do you have any pot, like, with you that we can just kind of buy or have or whatever?

Starting point is 00:53:02 And he just kind of gives me a big handful of this guy all wrapped up in like a cricket newspaper or magazine thing. It's all, you know, and he gives in the thing. And then I tell the guy, I said, we also like, we like women. Can you give us some women for the night? Can we have some women? And he goes, yeah, okay, sure. All right, all right, all right. So we get out, we go to, like, our dumpy hotel thing.

Starting point is 00:53:23 We go up to our room. We're in the place. We're kind of like, we don't even have rolling papers. So I'm trying to roll it up in the, like, cricket or magazine, you know, with the, you know, that big, dumb bad. It's like baseball, but not, like 50 people on the field and nobody fucking is scoring and everyone's wearing a tie, you know. So I'm like, all right. So now I'm just in the room. We get a knock on the door.

Starting point is 00:53:42 It's two new Jamaican guys. And they have these two women with them. and the one woman is clearly pregnant. So I go to Brandon, I go, hey, you're dining for two, buddy. And we're in like a one bedroom. So he takes his pregnant prostitute into the bathroom. And he's in there with her. And I can just hear her kind of softly sobbing.

Starting point is 00:54:06 You know, I remember just to make some small talk. Some small talk I mentioned to my Jamaican prostitute. I go, I really like your hair. She goes, you like it, it'd come off. And she took her wig off. I didn't know black women were wigs. Like, I had no idea. Like, I don't know.

Starting point is 00:54:23 Like, I was like, oh, look at that. It comes off. And so, anyway, so that's our first night in Jamaica. And now here it is the next morning. I remember they just said, we're going to pick you up in the morning. Now, by the way, morning in Jamaica, we've all heard of CPT. One o'clock rolls around. So here I am waiting downstairs.

Starting point is 00:54:40 They pull up in that BMW. I get in and we start. driving now have you ever been to jama yeah okay so we are now leaving the coast and we're going up into the uh the blue mountain so it is i've owned i we never let we never really left the tourist area never let the resort and and uh we do left the resort but only to tourist areas which is all very very close yeah and the moment we said suggested to the taxi driver like hey let's go into let's go to let's go to one of these cities or what's the closest town he was like oh such and such We were like, let's go.

Starting point is 00:55:13 And he was, let's go there. And he's like, no, no. Absolutely not. He said, yeah, we'll get robbed. You might get killed. Right, right, right, right. So we get in the back of this car, right? This little shitty BMW thing with the wheel on the other side of the thing, right?

Starting point is 00:55:25 And we start driving for like six hours. And we're going up like dirt road, dirt road. And by the way, we're driving. We're going like 20 miles an hour. And the guy driving like knows everybody when we're driving by. He's like, eh, you got a, you still got sick to cell anemia. Are you doing? Good luck.

Starting point is 00:55:41 Tell your grandmother. the whole driver drive drive drive drive drive drive drive drive fine blah blah we finally get to like this pot farm we come out but it's not like a farm with like rose and by the way one of the problems that they have with pot in that country is it is a it grows everywhere so it's not like manicured like there's you're not going to see like um you know greenhouses and things like that it's nothing professional like that it's literally just like we pull up another guy comes out and And he's just kind of like pot-belly Jamaican guy. And he's got this joint in his mouth.

Starting point is 00:56:15 And it's like 18 inches long. And it's like sopping wet. And he has to keep lighting it with like a lighter. And he's just, and he's got that real, these really, really thick patois. And he's just like talking to us and he's asking us about New York.

Starting point is 00:56:29 And he's asking about like Brooklyn and just bullshitting was. And I'm with brain. I got our big radios. And so they direct us to this like little like shanty kind of like like brick kind of like a, it looks like a pool house with a pool house with no pool house with no pool and goats you know like a pool house but there's no pool and there's a bunch of goats you know like a pool house and so we go over and we open the door and there's like two beds in there and the guys like basically like this is where you're going to stay and the thing is the

Starting point is 00:56:59 concern that my crack team of smugglers and I had was that it wouldn't look good if we just went for like a day like basically I could have gotten this whole thing done in like 48 hours, right? But you don't want to be, you want to look like you went there on vacation. Yeah. And I had already developed this backstory where I had said the reason why I have this large radio is because I am studying, I'm a musical anthropology, anthropology. That was a great, sorry, community college, nine years. I'm almost done. What's in this root beer? I am an anthropologist for music in the Caribbean and I'm studying Caribbean rhythms. So the reason, why I had this big radio is I can go down.

Starting point is 00:57:43 And so I figured if I got, because it's going to look weird even after a week to have this big radio. So I'm already thinking ahead. I think, what do you think? So I get to our little Jamaican fucking shanty, you know, brick, Johannesburg, our apartheid shack. And we kind of put our stuff down. And Brian and I are just kind of like, all right, now what?

Starting point is 00:58:00 So we kind of wander around and we go over to the guy with the big fucking wet joint thing. And I was another thing. I'm getting stone with this guy. I'm standing in this field. and we're starving. You know, we've been there now for like, I don't know, it's getting kind of dark and we haven't eaten at anything, right? And I'm like, will it be catering?

Starting point is 00:58:18 Would that be a box lunch provided here? So I say to the guy, I go, I go, hey, I go, are we going to, like, go grab like a bite anywhere? Are we, like, what's the, what are our plans for dinner this evening? Are we, you know, I brought a collared shirt. You know, I don't know. Like, what are we doing here? And they go, yeah, I'm, by the way, there's a hundred.

Starting point is 00:58:38 And I go, yeah, I'm, by the way, there's a lot. H in that word, but I don't know. Yes, I'm hungry. And I go, he goes, all right, you like fried chicken. I go, yeah, I love fried chicken. I love fried chicken. I said, little on the nose, if you don't know what I mean, homeboy. But I said, I said, yeah, I love fried chicken.

Starting point is 00:58:56 So I swear to God, he goes over, and there's like chickens just kind of running around. He goes over, grassed chicken, breaks its neck, okay? And he's still smoking this week. And he's got the chicken with him. I'm just looking at, I'm like, I don't know. So we walk over to like a barn, like kind of like a falling apart. The barn was either about to be demolished or they were currently building it. I couldn't.

Starting point is 00:59:20 I wasn't sure what evolution of construction I'm looking at here. But we walk over to this thing. There's a fucking table set out, you know, and he puts the chicken down. There's like a rusty machete hanging on the thing. He lops the chicken's head off. And he just starts gutting the chicken as he's like talking to us. And he yells over and he's like, eh, blah, bab. I'm like, if some woman comes out, she's got flour and fucking, like a thing of like a bag of seasonings and things.

Starting point is 00:59:50 And there's a pot of oil over there. And he's just cutting the feet off. And there's like some kind of three-legged dog. And he kind of throws a fucking gross gizzards and shit down to the dog down there. And the dog's eating the shit on the ground and everything. And he chops it up, takes all the feathers off, and just throws it in this pot of oil, pulls it out, puts it in that bag of seasoning. the best fried chicken I've ever had in my life. That night, we go to our room, and I told this guy, I said to this guy, I'm assuming he owns the farm.

Starting point is 01:00:22 I don't know, like, he seems to be like kind of in charge of this place, but who knows? So I tell him, I said, as I'm about to turn in for the night, I tell the guy, I go, hey, just so you know, I love to eat. So if there's any of these girls in this whatever village we're in, whatever this is around here, Put the word out that, so we go into our room and we're there, and I swear to you, within about an hour, we get a knock on the door. I open it up, and there's this Jamaican woman. She goes, are you to buy that a liquid? And I said, what? Come right in.

Starting point is 01:00:54 Come right in. Come right in. Come right in. Line them up. So anyway, so for the next four days, I just like eight and lived in this little thing and smoked. And occasionally the guy would, you know, we had one. One time we went to see like a friend of that guy and we got in like a pickup truck. It was kind of like a pickup truck.

Starting point is 01:01:15 It had three wheels. I think it should have had four wheels, but he just kind of leaned on the side, you know. And we went to visit a friend of his. And that guy like basically had like boiled dumplings and some kind of like it was like ackey and some soft food. I don't. Visit bet MDM casino and check out the newest exclusive. The Price is Right Fortune Pick. BetMDM and Game Sense remind you to play responsibly.

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Starting point is 01:01:53 BetMGM operates pursuant to an operating agreement with Eye Gaming Ontario. It was good, but we ate like twice. And then one day they had like, it wasn't because of us, it wasn't like some sort of like the white men are visiting. Let's show them our natural ways. It was like, there was like a music festival.

Starting point is 01:02:12 So they brought in like a sound system. And Brandon and I were like doing this thing where we actually got in a little bit of trouble because we were humping each other like on the stage. And like they don't go for gay shit there. You know what I mean? So I was going, bateman, potty man, body man. Me don't come with a potty man. Me heard me now, hear me now.

Starting point is 01:02:29 Oh, boom, my, you're bateman. And I was just like they were, I was just trying to fucking joke around with these guys. They were laughing. They were also like, hey, we might kill you. Like, stop it. You know? Like, we get it. We get the joke.

Starting point is 01:02:41 Here we are now. Four days later, it's time to go back to America. And it's time to do the deal, right? So I had brought money, okay? But I had just brought some money. I'd also exchanged some of my money. So I had like Jamaican money, which is basically just old Nintendo cartridges and, you know, banana leaves. And I had American money.

Starting point is 01:03:04 Okay. So I sort of had like this money. And it's time to now like do the. do the thing. It's all been very, very casual, and it was still casual. So we go now back to that, the chicken killing barn thing. And we go there and I had my two radios and they had brought out this like big press thing, like this big, like old, like a manual press thing, right? So they have that there. We take the radio and they have all this lamb's bread. Okay. And it's in a huge brick. And I'm like, how the fuck, what am I going to do with this thing here? So we figure out and they

Starting point is 01:03:39 didn't have a scale. They're just kind of like weighing it in their hands. They're kind of like, and they're, so they kind of go, all right, they can fit like 30, 30 pounds of, give or take, in the smaller one. And then the bigger one in these two, the idea was, we're, he's a real like MIT scientist here. We can put them in the, in the, in the detachable speakers. He's like, we can, you know, this much, we can press it down and we can wrap it in the car. So, we figure out that I'm spending about, I ended up spending about $60 a pound. So it's like, it's pretty much like free. Like I don't even know like where the profit margin was for these guys. I mean, who cares? But like, so I, and I'm paying them. We're all completely stoned. And I'm just paying them.

Starting point is 01:04:25 I'm giving them. Because at the time, I believe $1 was 30 Jamaican. It's probably about the same now. So I'm giving them and they're like, each pound was like 200 Jamaican. So I'm giving them. I'm like, what the fuck? So I just give them like money. And they give me all of this pot. And I'm like kind of looking at this. Like, this is so much pot that when I bring it back and they gave me instructions. When you get back to New York, you're going to take it out.

Starting point is 01:04:51 And they said like basically like put it on like a towel and give like a day or two and let it kind of reconstitute. You know what I mean? I was like, do I spray with atomized water? Like, how do I take care of this? How do I take care of this lamb's bread, boys? Tell me. Sorry, I've got some cunt hairs on my throat. Give me a minute.

Starting point is 01:05:06 give me a minute boys let me have another dragon stout hmm you know black girls their hair isn't real the things you learn so anyway so now i get there and i'm like watching them we're doing we sort of do we do the we do the deal i give them about a money they're happy with all this pot and they're like this is going to take a while so want you go walk around so go walk around i go walk around after like an hour and a half i come back and i've got my radio and i'm flying out at like you know in like seven hours okay So it's early, pretty early in the morning. We're still drinking, eating, or not eating, God forbid. We're still smoking pot and everything.

Starting point is 01:05:41 And so we're going to take that BMW all the way back down to Montego Bay. So I'm like, I come back in, I can smell the airplane glue from like across the barn. I'm like, this is probably not going to, this is probably not going to work out as I'm hoping. But you know what? I'm in too deep. I'm in too deep. You know, I probably impregnated somebody. I'm not rebooting my life here.

Starting point is 01:06:03 Mom, I'm starting it over. her. She wouldn't give a fuck either, by the way. He'd be thrilled. So I go, all right, I get in the BMW. I get in the BMW and it was really funny. I'm in the back. And there was this girl that I had sort of started hooking up with like the day before, like my sort of farm girlfriend. And I told her, why don't you, why don't you come with me in New York, but like come for the ride? You know on the car? She'd let me ride in a car like a white man. Oh!

Starting point is 01:06:30 Seats be praise. Here I go. Hong do. Can I pay the horn? Godfather. So I go, I go, yeah, I'll just go with. She did not say it. No, she did not say it. Of course not. Why? Can I go on Godfather? Look at this with a transmission. Me never, the last car I was in was a dot son. Now called a Nissan. Nissan. So I get in the, we get into the airport. I say goodbye to all my new friends. I've got my big radio here. Brandon, it's his radio. Got my backpack on. He's his backpack. We leave.

Starting point is 01:07:04 now it's time to go through customs in Jamaica. So, and again, I'm surprised when we walked in, the whole place wasn't like, do the airport smell like air paint glue. And so we go through. And again, I just wanted, number one, I think, I know I mentioned this kind of in passing earlier before you had to change your catheter, is that I, it, I look really, like, I look really young back back then. So I look, so the amount of like, and I don't know what your experience,

Starting point is 01:07:34 was in prison. I mean, like, I've been a big fan. I listen to your stuff all the time and everything. And thank you for the signed headshot. I don't know why it was from the guy from Brady Bunch, the signed headshot, but it's fine. I'll do I'll photoshop it when I get home. But my point is, is like the amount of like white privilege that I enjoyed in this was like, it's a little embarrassing, right? So I get to the airport. I get into Jamaican customs and I'm waiting, and I get it to customs. And by the way, like over there, like everybody, is everyone looks like they're about to like go to like the Sierra Leone fucking army or something. Everyone's got like bandoliers of ammunition and fucking grenades.

Starting point is 01:08:13 And it's all intimidating. You know what I mean? Like you look, but they don't look like they're not all jacked. They're just kind of, but they're all wearing like a lot of ammunition and what do you call them? Kalishkanoffs or whatever. Like it's a lot of what you'd see in Tampa on a Friday night. You know, everyone's just covered guns and everything. So I come through and I say to that all they say to me in customs on this side is they go,

Starting point is 01:08:34 that's a big radio. I go, yep. They go, does it work? And luckily, I told you about going to that Jamaican music festival thing. The guy, they do this thing in Jamaica called Toasting, which is like where they do like dance halls, kind of like freestyling, you know what I mean? And the DJ down there who had done some free, I wish I saw this tape, but they'd done some freestyling and he let me freestyle and he let me get on the microphone like at this fucking

Starting point is 01:09:02 Jamaican farm thing, pot farm thing. thing, you know. So he had let me get on there. And I'm going, no, the Bateman boy is in the bottom. Let me lick. And he had the microphone away and everything. So I had that. The guy recorded that and he gave me the tape. So I play that in customs. I'm like, play. And they're playing it. And of course, I grab Brandon and I start humping him on the side and I'm like laughing. I'm going, my Bateman, me Bartiman. And they're going, they're laughing in customs. They go, turn it off. We're going to chop your head off. You can't leave it. And so, that was, and so, that was it. They go, okay, see you later. So we go through, I get my big fucking stupid radio. And again,

Starting point is 01:09:39 it's my carry on. My radio is my carry on. So I get on with Brandon. And the genius idea that I had was that Brandon and I had, we had separate tickets. So basically the plan was, I said, okay, we have a connection. This was a bad idea. Hindsight is truly 2020. But I said, we have a layover in Miami. So we're going to fly from, once you go back, get to Miami. and then we have a connection in Miami. And then I said the plan was when you get off the plane and when I get off the plane, you go left, I go right,

Starting point is 01:10:13 and we'll meet at the gate for our connection. Okay, that way we don't, we're not together. Okay, so this is my brilliant idea to kind of foil the U.S. customs officials. No incident.

Starting point is 01:10:26 Get to Miami. Get off. And back in those days, it looked like a giant airplane hanger, right? So you come off and it's like, Everyone coming from, maybe it's Latin America, but certainly the Caribbean, when you come off, they have like rope and stanchions. So there's all these ropes and there's, there's, you know, these kind of velvet rope, bomb, bomb, bomb, bomb, bomb.

Starting point is 01:10:44 So I tell Brandon, I'm like, all right, listen, home boy, you go farther, I go far right, and we'll meet there. Good luck. See you on the other side. That's it. So I'm in my customs line. I'm carrying my radio, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. I get up, I get to the customs guy. I put my radio up there and he looks at my passport.

Starting point is 01:11:01 And he goes, oh, Jamaica for a week. and he goes, why are you down there? I get to use my cover store. I'm so excited. I said, well, I am a student at New York University. I am studying cultural, musical anthropology, and I was there to, I didn't want to, I do, I played pretty straight. I was down there for a week, studying little music, having a good time, like a vacation,

Starting point is 01:11:21 but also picking up a credit. And I learned a little thing. You know, we are truly a nation of people separated by our differences. We're all red on the inside, aren't we, sir? You know what I mean? The only color that people know is green. Am I right? I'll tell you, money rules the world.

Starting point is 01:11:37 Anyway, and so I put my radio up, and he goes, it's a pretty big radio to be there for a week. And I said, well, as I mentioned, fuckface. No, I didn't say that. I said, yeah, I know. But if you can tell, it's like a York. It's like a shitty radio. So, you know, whatever. It's from my door.

Starting point is 01:11:51 Again, I said, it's from my dorm room at NYU. I just brought the one that I use in my dorm room. So, and that's it. And he goes, would you mind putting it over there, please? And I put it right there. Now, I did not realize that I put it on top of a scale. Uh-huh. And he looks at it.

Starting point is 01:12:07 And immediately, I notice, I'm in this long line of rope and stanchions. They have immediately separated me with that clip, like the rope thing. And everyone that was in my line is being bled into another line. So I am now by myself with the customs guy. And I'm just alone with this folding table and this guy and a scale. And he goes, God, the radio. so heavy. And I said, really? I said, well, I didn't notice it. I said, you know, it's a shitty radio. So maybe the parts are heavier because it's from a dumpy. It's not like a Sony or anything.

Starting point is 01:12:42 So maybe he said, yeah, that's right. Yeah. You may go. Sorry, sorry. Sorry. I just said, I said, okay. And then he goes, you know, I need to have a dog come smell this if, if you don't, if you don't mind. And I was like, I did, I went, well, I have a connection. If you don't mind. I said, I really would prefer not to it. It'll just take. Oh, that's fine. That's, go on. Yes. Sorry. Sorry. I'm allergic to dogs, if you don't mind. So I go, I go, well, if you have to, you know, I understand.

Starting point is 01:13:08 So they bring over this dog and it's a beagle. I remember it's so funny because for years, I actually had a beagle for about 15 years. You know, a couple years later, I got a dog and it was a beagle. But like, they bring this beagle over. I don't know how they train these dogs, but this dog got right on that speaker and started humping it and going. And I go, oh, whatever is this? And the guy goes, you go, sir, you got to come with me.

Starting point is 01:13:34 So I said, all right. So at this point, like, I just kicked into 50. What about Brandon? Did you look at Brandon? No. They got us, Brandon. Brandon Park? Hey, my partner, he's just, pat.

Starting point is 01:13:48 He already got through. By the way, you better get him to. He just got us. By the way, just so, you know, I know we're trying to keep a chronological thing. I gave up Brandon in about 30 seconds. I don't worry about it. I gave him up faster than I tell you what. He's Brandon Park from Baltimore, Maryland, the guy that works at the bathroom at the fucking

Starting point is 01:14:07 scores. Yeah, he's right over there. Look at him. He's half Venezuelan, but he's half white, but anyway. So, yeah, so I have my ticket. He has this. I don't know what's going on with him. He's over there.

Starting point is 01:14:18 So now I'm walking with the customs guy, okay? And we're just walking. And he brings me in to a little room. And we go a little room. It's like a desk. And it's an office desk. And they put me down, put the radio down. as another guy shows up.

Starting point is 01:14:31 And this guy looks like, I don't know if you know, the actor Louise Guzman. You know, he was in Boogie Nights. You know, he's like a little kind of Hispanic guy. Yes.

Starting point is 01:14:38 Yeah. And he stuffed into his like, and he stuffed into his little, his little customs outfit. And the two that were in there. And the guy that was a white guy that brought me in there. And he looks at the radio and he goes,

Starting point is 01:14:48 so what's in this radio? And I said, guys, I don't know what you're talking. I said, but I saw it even my radio. Yeah. But I saw a guy named Brandon Park on that flight.

Starting point is 01:14:57 That motherfucker. He's a, I don't know, what's going on. Let's just say in a couple years of something called 9-11, I believe he's going to be part of it. So I go, guys, I don't know what you're talking about. I was in Jamaica and I have this radio and I don't know why that dog went crazy. But maybe I did smoke a lot of, what they call it, reefer, I don't know, pot or they made me, they forced me to do it down. No, I didn't. No, I didn't. But I did, I did say, I did say, look, I did smoke a lot of pot while I was down there. So maybe I blew it out on the radio. Maybe there's residual. I don't.

Starting point is 01:15:28 because I didn't have anything on me. I said, maybe you can check my pockets. I thought I could, like, throw a little bit of a, forgive the pun, a smoke screen. You know what I mean? I'd be like, check my pockets, you know. And they said, oh, that must be it. You can go. Sorry, sir.

Starting point is 01:15:40 Take your 45 pound. Oh, radio with you. Probably more like 60 because the radio does weigh something. Yeah, exactly. Would you like any freaking flyer miles to be accredited to your account, sir? Would you like a dolly? For the inconvenience. Hello, dolly.

Starting point is 01:15:54 I said, hello. So I went, yeah. I said, I don't know. I honestly don't know. said, well, we're going to break it open. So I wish you wouldn't. And can I just tell you not to? They go, no, it doesn't work like that. We're going to break it open. So they take, he goes into his like, you know, pulls out of his where, you know, like where you pull the keyboard out of your little fucking laptop thing. And he pulls out like a fucking hammer. And he gives it one whack on the seam.

Starting point is 01:16:18 The speaker falls open and this just fucking brick of pot just falls out, right? And it's covered in carbon paper. And it's kind of wrapped up in plastic, but like not really. And there's like loose pot in there. I'm starting to think these Jamaicans weren't the professionals up there. What did she said? You said? I did. Well, no.

Starting point is 01:16:37 Here's what I said. Who put that in there? They fell out. And the guy, and they looked at it. And the guy, the Luis Guzman, the Spanish guy, he picks it up. And he smells it. And he looks at me. And he goes, do you know, you ruined your life?

Starting point is 01:16:50 Do you ruin your life? And I said, I ruined my life. You're a customs agent. And he jumped at me. And the white guy. had to like push him off me. I swear to God. And he pushed him off me. And I said, listen, I tried to like, I tried to get a little like agency here. You know what I mean? So I said, all right, let me tell you guys what happened. Okay. I went down to Jamaica because I'm an NYU student

Starting point is 01:17:14 and I'm studying whatever kind of jungle music they have going on down there. Okay. And as I'm coming back into the airport, a couple of guys with dreadlocks came over to me and they gave me this radio. And they told me, they said, if I didn't take this radio that when I got to New York, they were going to kill my whole family. So I am very glad that you guys have this radio because I've been afraid for my life. And this saved me the trouble of just giving you the radio. I didn't know what to do, but I'm scared. And I'm scared of that Jamaican gang that gave me this radio. So I'm glad that this happened. And the white customs guy literally goes, he looks at me and he goes, I knew with something like that.

Starting point is 01:17:50 And I went, yes, I said, no, he did not. I looked so clean cut because for the way back, because I have like short hair and everything, like I look like, come on, hello, hello. So I was like, and he goes, I knew something. And so he goes, listen, you goes,

Starting point is 01:18:06 we're going to have to process you. And then he's got my ticket. And he goes, were you traveling with anybody? And I went, yes, Brandon Park. He goes, Brandon Park. I said, yeah, he's my friend from New York. I said, he's also traveling. He probably has a radio with him too.

Starting point is 01:18:20 I said, I don't. You're just giving these radios. You just stop it everybody. You buy a large one. You get a second one for free. And this Jamaican gang, they saw the two of us. And they knew we were just Batiman on holiday. We had just honeymoon in Queens.

Starting point is 01:18:35 Oh, no. Here comes some Jamaicans to give us the radio. Oh, no. Harold starts a car. So I was like, all right, fine. So that's it. So then they sit me down in the office. And they're just like, all right, we'll just wait here.

Starting point is 01:18:48 Okay. So then I guess they go and get Brandon. Brandon makes it through no problem. He's sitting at the gate with the radio on his lap, just sitting there. Like, oh, where's Brian? I know, poor Brandon. He never, trust me, he had, he had a comment. So Brandon's sitting there with his radio, just like waiting, wait for his connection.

Starting point is 01:19:08 All of a sudden, they fucking run up on him. They grab him. They bring him back. They open the door. I see Brandon. He sees me. we just start collapsing into giggles. We cannot stop laughing.

Starting point is 01:19:22 We're just laughing like idiots. Now, here's the thing. I had done research, and I figured out that in this great state of Florida, okay, if it's less than 99 pounds of pot, then it's not a felony. So I knew I had no priors, okay, even though I'd just been arrested that summer for possession in Ocean City, Maryland, but that was just kind of. there. But like I knew that the, it wasn't a felony. And I knew it wasn't, it wasn't soft. Okay. And it was, whatever was, I knew I wasn't facing any significant jail time. So I had told myself that in the

Starting point is 01:20:02 extremely unlikely event that this does not go the way I wanted to go, we will get arrested. Okay. We will wait for our arraignment. And then at our arraignment, the judge will look at the time that we've spent, if it's a week, it's two weeks, three weeks in county, the judge will go, listen, time served, don't do this again. And at the most, it's like you're playing that game with your boyfriend Tom, six months of, you know, probation or whatever, some kind of something. But I knew, so I knew like all of this would be a headache like right now, but I wasn't going to bail out.

Starting point is 01:20:40 I wasn't going to bond out. I wasn't going to do anything like that. we were merely going to just kind of take our lumps and we were going to go through the system, we'll get processed. And then at our arraignment, the judge will look at my shiny Caucasian face and just go, all right, you know what? Like, how are you boys doing in there? Are you okay?

Starting point is 01:21:00 You need the commissary? So I just said, so I knew. So in the back of my mind, I was kind of like, look, this is all going to be okay. Like it's going to be okay. It's going to be okay. It might be a little fucked up, but it's going to be okay. So then they bring Brandon and I in and we're sitting there and all of a sudden we're there and they, because it's not a felony, they now have to call the local Miami Dade County to pick us up. They're not. I mean, they're customs. They don't have like a customs jail. Maybe they do, but they don't have, not for us. So as I'm sitting there, all of a sudden, I get a gurgle in my tummy. All I've eaten for the past couple of days is some of this weird, you know, dead fried three-legged dog fried chicken and I've just been drinking dragon style. I have to take a huge shit. So I tell these customs guys, I tell the guy, the white guy, now there's like other guys coming in.

Starting point is 01:21:45 There's like paperwork. They're taking pictures of it and everything. You know what I'm standing there holding a big score for the day. You know, Brandon and I are sitting in these chairs like cracking up. And they're looking at the two of us like we're like we have Down syndrome or something. You know what I mean? We're just like. And I tell the guys, I go, look, I'm sorry.

Starting point is 01:21:59 I have to make a number two. And they look at each other. And they literally go over to the closet and they pull out two coat hangers. I said, I didn't say I was pregnant. And they take out these coat hangers. And they start to like twist the top of. off and I go, what are you doing? And they go, all right, we're going to take you to the bathroom. Okay. And the guy says, if you flush the toilet, we're going to add 50 pounds to this. Okay. And you're

Starting point is 01:22:23 going to be in big fucking trouble. I said, are you going to poke through my poop with that hanger? And they go, well, we think you may have swallowed some pot. I said, I did not swallow any pot. I said, but okay, no problem. Like, whatever. So I go by myself and I tell Brandon, I'm like, I love you. I'll be back. don't worry. Do you complete me? I can need you. I tell the guy, I go, all right, so we're walking, and it's the white guy from the customs thing, right? So I'm talking to him. And I said, I swear to God, I hope you make $600,000 a month. I'm like, I cannot believe you've got to poke through my poop. He's like, look, he's like, just do not flush the toilet. He's like it will be a big problem.

Starting point is 01:23:01 So I go into the stall. And by the way, this is just like a regular bathroom where like, imagine you go on vacation with your family, like Barbados, and you go into the stall and there's like a customs guy and I'm in there. And I'm going on. I'm like, er, the power of Christ compels you. There she blows. Oh, it's a squirder. Oh, oh, oh, it was a huge. I mean, it's one of those, like, I look like a fucking solid, like a beer can.

Starting point is 01:23:27 Just like, all the way down. And I finished up, and I said, I will not flush. And he goes in, and I hear him in there like, I hear him flush. And I wash my hands and I come out. And I go see Brandon. and then the guy goes, all right, well, we're going to handcuff you guys to these chairs.

Starting point is 01:23:46 And it's basically like when you go through customs, it's these two chairs and you just, there was a whole line of chairs. And so when people get, it's kind of like where you would go to like put all your shoes and stuff back on. Like after you go through security, he goes, all right, we're going to put you guys there.

Starting point is 01:24:00 And it was so funny because he says to the two of us, he goes, would you guys like a soda or something? And like that Cuban guy that yelled at me, he was like annoyed. He goes, don't give them no soda. I said, I would love a Coke or something. I said, just anything you have is there's a Coke or a Pepsi, any of those products, like Coke or Pepsi, it's fine.

Starting point is 01:24:17 I would put you. Thank you so much. So they put us in the chair. They lock us up. So now imagine you're getting on from vacation from St. Thomas with your family, whatever it is. You're talking about the two of us. So Brandon and I are going to the people.

Starting point is 01:24:28 As they're walking by, I'm going, hey, buddy, you got a file in there. You got a file in there. Get me out of here. I said, we've been wrongfully accused. So he comes out and he says to two of me. He goes, you guys, shut up. It looks at me to stop talking or we're going to have to fucking chain you somewhere else or somewhere. I said, all right, I'm just kidding around.

Starting point is 01:24:45 So finally, after like hours and hours and hours and hours, Miami-Dade shows up. And these two guys come up, right? And it was like lethal weapon. Remember, like, how Danny Glover is, like, close to retirement. And, like, Mel Gibson's like the hothead guy. You know what I mean? Well, these two guys show up. This older Cuban – I guess – come on to Miami.

Starting point is 01:25:05 They're all Cuban down there, right? So this, like, Cuban guy, he shows up. and he's kind of like this older guy, maybe 55, maybe, and he's real kind of like, and there's this jacked, like, blonde guy with, like, feathered hair, and he's like, and they wear, like, those tan fucking real, like, white trashy looking. I don't know what they wear in Florida anymore, but, like, back then they look like Officer Ponzierelli from Chips, you know, and he's, and this guy's, like, completely jacked, and he's got, like, a mullet and everything.

Starting point is 01:25:30 And so those two show up, and I'm, I'm thinking to myself, I hope I get the nice old Spanish guy, you know, so they come up, and my friend Brandon is half Ecuadorian, and he's got that little weird, like, you know, spiky mustache, you know, and everything, you know, like, a little foo manchu, you can't grow it down to here, you know. And we go, so now these two guys come over, the big tall guy and this guy, and they come over to the two of us. And then the old Spanish guy looks at me, goes, okay, son, just turn around. You know, I got to patch you down. Okay, everything. I said, nope, sir, I'm very easy. No sweat. I turn around. The big blonde guy, he goes to look at Brandon. He flips him around. He shows him up on the wall.

Starting point is 01:26:04 He's going like that leg thing where he searches him. And every time he's like, it's like, it's like, he's clapping. He's like killing mice and he's like, boom, boom, boom. Brandon's like, ah! You know, like Brandon's just an actor, you know, like he's like a musical theater guy, you know. He puts him down. They process. We're in the thing now. We're all

Starting point is 01:26:22 kind of handcuffed up, you know, and we get into the car. And I actually said it to the two guys, I said, you guys are like the lethal weapon guys. I said, in the big blind, I turned around. He goes, shut the fuck up. I said, okay, never mind, never mind. Okay. So then we go to the station. And at the station, the little Spanish guy comes to me and he goes, okay, he's got like half glasses on.

Starting point is 01:26:44 Okay, listen, listen, the way you do look, he's not going to be good for you. It might be a date. He goes, listen, listen, do you guys know what a bail bond man is? You have anybody you can call or what we can do now is just from here. We can probably call somebody and you don't have to go there and you can get like a bail bond from here. and you don't have to go to jail and you can just kind of stop it here and at the station because he's not going to be nice for you there. And I said, listen, I'm the kind of guy where in for a penny and for a pound and I understand that I've done this thing. But I told him my big plan. I said,

Starting point is 01:27:21 I'll go to Dave County. Okay. I'll go. I'll probably, what do I have to do? I have to join the the Aryan nation or something. No problem. I'll get into there. No problem. Who are we shanking, boys? Who's making the pruno? I'm not. Yum, yum, yum, yum. I said, you know, how bad can it be? I mean, it's county jail, you know, like, what's the worst that can happen in this place? You know, what's a big deal? And I said, the idea is, why don't you take us to, and of course, my friend's like, now, get the fuck out of here, you know, like, I said, by the way, who am I going to call? You know what I mean? Like, I don't know what's going to. So I said, let's just stick with the plan.

Starting point is 01:27:55 Because I could also see the dollar, I knew it was going to be expensive the way to do it this way. And by the way, I'm now not, I just spent like a lot of my money on all this pot, spoiler alert, I don't, they don't give it back to you. You know what I mean? Like it wasn't like customs was like, we'll hold on to this until we'll see how this turns out for you. Do you have a mailing address? We can forge you. You're a lamb's bread, you fucking scumbag.

Starting point is 01:28:15 So I said, I'll just go to Miami Dade County Jail. It's fine. So the guy's like, all right, whatever. So we get to Miami Dade County Jail. We get there and we get to be processed. And it's all pretty much, you know, fingerprints and everything else. And, you know, you give them your, you give them your shoelaces and, you know, your personals, whatever.

Starting point is 01:28:34 I have like my boarding pass still. I give them everything. I'm just in like my shirt and jeans and my shoes and Brand is with me. And they put you in. Like it was like a cell, but it was in this big, it was air conditioned. You know, it was in like a big like floors. You know what I mean? So you'd go in and they open it up and I'm in there.

Starting point is 01:28:52 And sure enough, I'm the only white person there, which again, like who cares? It's fine. You know what I mean? So I just started going people. That's what you do, right? So I said, we were down in Jamaica and we did our thing. and this is why we're here. And I'm telling everybody that, listen,

Starting point is 01:29:07 my plan is, is just to be here until we get. And they're kind of like, okay, good. So they immediately give us a nickname. They call me smuggler one. And they call Brandon Smuggler 2. I'm like, oh, we have nicknames. They're nice to us. You're going to be fine.

Starting point is 01:29:20 I'd be fine. Just ask them about their church. They love church, these people. So I go, all right. So now we're smuggler 1, Smuggler 2. And we go over and it's really super crowded, right? There's like 30 bunks, but people are sleeping two to a bunk. If you sleep hot at night, you know how disruptive that can be. When you're not resting well,

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Starting point is 01:31:19 We lay down. And then the way that they do it, I'm like if I'm telling you like, like, you don't know. But like it's, it's, that's why it's hard for me to really give you an accurate amount of days that I was there because the timing is really in county jail like they give you dinner at eight in the morning they give you lunch at uh you know four in the afternoon it's all fucked up and there's no real windows there so you don't really ever know like what day it is and there's one toilet with a shower stole spoiler alert I didn't shit the whole time I was there but so the next morning I get up and you have to go down to see the judge but it's not really a judge it's like a video thing right And I'm so convinced that the judge is going to take a look at me and be like, oh my God, my God, that's Brian McCarthy.

Starting point is 01:32:04 Oh, let's get you out of there. Sorry, you know, Dr. Livingston, party of one. Oh, no, the natives are restless. So I'm like, so I go and I see the judge and they're looking at me and he's just like he's, and they don't even look at you. They just read like the crime. Like it's arrested for, you know, blah, and I hear misdemeanor and blah. And they go, okay, your arraignment. you know, when you're going to like find out your, you know, the trial date or whatever.

Starting point is 01:32:31 It's in like three and a half weeks. And I'm like, oh, fuck, that's a long time to be in county jail. And Brandon is just like super bummed out. Brandon's like really, really sad. They didn't set a bond. You don't have a bond at all. Well, here's the thing. They gave us a bond and it was, I think it was $10,000 each.

Starting point is 01:32:50 And so, but I didn't even, I wasn't even hearing that because I just heard, I heard Aramette three and a half weeks. I'm like, so my mind, that's the finish line. Right. So we get our 10 grand, you're right. So they say $10,000. So I tell Brandon, we get back upstairs, muggler one, smuggler, too. And I tell Brandon, I'm like, listen, I know it sucks, but we're just going to have to fucking suck it up and we're going to be here for three and a half weeks. Anyway, so we go, so I'm like, I go, listen, we just have to like hang out. We're just going to hang out. I'm trying to like, I'm doing that like happy. Remember like animal house? Like I'm in my head with a bottle, like, John Belushi trying to cheer him up. I'm like, it's going to be fine.

Starting point is 01:33:25 This sucks. Like, I agree. Look at this fucking people. This blows. But listen, we're going to get through this. So then they do this thing where the housemen, they bring out the food, you know, and there's no cups. So there's like the protein over there. I believe the first day it was a braced lamb shank with chipplini onions and a polenta reduction. And it was good, but I'll be honest, too much rosemary. And I mentioned it to them. So I'm sure it's better now. and then the little side thing was like your cookie or some kind of a dessert and then what you do is after you ate that you would rinse it out and there was like a bug juice kind of they would reel like a big gatory kind of a dispenser thing and you didn't have cups you drank out of the the plastic cup thing that was the insert pretty bad yeah you know I mean but again like you know

Starting point is 01:34:13 how it works like nobody's really supposed to be there for a while and everyone in there was like dirt poor so I bet somebody was like oh this is good how much it just one real you know I'm just kind of like, all right, you know. And I remember the only thing they had to read, they had old copies of National Enquirer, and they were from like 1988. So I remember if you ever want to know anything about Bert Reynolds and Lonnie Anderson's divorce, I still remember all the details, okay? Let me tell you something.

Starting point is 01:34:42 Lonnie was like, all right, I'll be honest. It's like Burke had a lot of problems admittedly, but Lonnie grew distant after the abortion. And that's just the National Inquirer talking. but and I remember like I was so I just kept reading because I just kept reading the thing and I'm sitting there and after like a day or two or day or three day or four who whoever knows they were doing like freestyle in the corner and I used to I was one of those like white guys that like love hip hop but you know like jar rule jerul de demaja and brand new being in fucking tribe called quest and all those backpack rappers and stuff so I went

Starting point is 01:35:14 to the guys and I said hey you know I like to rap too they were like all right smuggler one spit some fire so this is when the chronic was out So I was like, woke up, jumped out my bed. I'm in a two-man cell. Well, my homie, little half dead. Murder was a case that they gave me. God, I wonder, can they save me? They were like, oh, shit.

Starting point is 01:35:30 And then I was freestyle. So I thought I was killing with these guys. Then another day, they brought out, like, razors for a haircut, and this guy comes over, and he was kind of bashful. God bless him. And he goes, you know, I never cut white hair before. I said, why don't you give me a haircut, you goof? Like, you can give me a haircut.

Starting point is 01:35:46 Get over here, silly. So I sat on the little, you know, bent, circle thing with a little, you know, a molded plastic thing. And he cut me hair. And then he goes, would you like me to do you cut your eyebrows? Give you some like lines in your eyebrows. I said,

Starting point is 01:35:59 I thought you'd never ask. So he like zip, zip, zip. He gives me the little zips in my eyebrows, you know, and he cuts my hair up and everything. And Brandon goes, I'll take your hair too.

Starting point is 01:36:09 And he goes, I've already cut Spanish hair. And he wouldn't even cut Brandon's hair. I was like, you fucking, you moron. They wouldn't even cut your hair. You're over there sobbing in your bunk.

Starting point is 01:36:18 So finally, it's just, it's kind of just like, groundhog day, right? Like every day it's just kind of, it's the same nonsense. I'm trying to keep Brandon up. So finally, after, I don't know, two and a half weeks, maybe something like that,

Starting point is 01:36:32 maybe two, between two and three weeks, Brandon's sitting there and he's been crying a lot and he's crying. So I'm trying to talk to him and I'm trying to, all my usual tricks aren't working. I'm trying to let him do the crossword. By the way, the crossword and the National Enquirer is very easy. Give me four

Starting point is 01:36:48 a, give me four letters across, for something you eat that is hot and liquid. Soup? Wow, this guy's a genius. Exactly. You know, so anyway, so I'm like, I'm telling him, I'm like, so then the houseman comes over. And I'm trying to, and the one, I'll tell you the one time that I thought I was going

Starting point is 01:37:10 to get in big trouble in there, the one time that I thought I was going to get like beat up or something was, I was kind of feeling myself a little bit because you can have like fun, but then you have to sort of acknowledge the reality of the situation to us starting. extent. You know what I mean? But like, so you can be goofy white guy, but you can't be like, you know, too goofy, you know. So, uh, I went up to this one guy who was kind of this real, he was really, really dark. Like I said, oh, I said, I can tell from your accent. I just, I'm in here because I tried to bring some lambs bread from Jamaica. And he looks at him, he goes,

Starting point is 01:37:42 I'm from Nassau! Like he was like, really. He was from the, uh, what do you call? Bermuda or Bahamas. Which one is that? Bahamas are the, or the, Bermuda or the Shrewder or the Shrew. shorts and that's higher from the Bahamas. Nassau's in the Bahamas. So he goes, I'm from Nassau. And I said, oh yeah, Bermuda. He goes, no, Bahamas. I said, sorry, sorry, sorry. No wonder you're in here. No wonder you're in here. You have anger issues. So I left him alone. But it's a big deal if you hear the accent, if you think, you know, I did the same thing when I had my kitchen read done a couple years ago. I said, oh, accent. I'm from St. Vincent.

Starting point is 01:38:17 I said, all right, these tiles aren't going to tile themselves, you know. But it wasn't like that then. So, anyway, so Brandon's crying. He's sitting on the edge of our little cot. He's sitting there. The husband comes over and he goes, what's up, smuggler, too? Why are you so sad? Smuggler, too. And Brandon goes, I just want to get out of here a night.

Starting point is 01:38:35 My friend told me to come on this trip. And I made it through. Why am I here? I'm the one that made it through. And I have a smaller radio and he's walking around. And they won't even give me a haircut. So he said, Brannan, so smuggled two goes, all right.

Starting point is 01:38:49 He goes, it's something right? He goes, what's up? What's today? today. He goes, I don't even know what day is. He goes, I think it's Wednesday. He goes, tonight's barbecue night. Don't worry. You're going to get a peanut butter cookie. And Brandon goes, every time I get a cookie, you take it anyway. He goes, don't worry. He goes, don't worry. I'll give you your cookie tonight. I'll let you eat it. Don't worry. I'm sorry. I didn't realize it was like this for you. So I'm like, I'm, of course, he walks away and go to the guy,

Starting point is 01:39:15 the house, I'm sorry. He's like a real bitch. I'm sorry. But thank you for saying you'll give him this cookie. I appreciate that. And by the way, I haven't showered. I haven't shit. And I'm just like, but there was air conditioning. So anyway, so finally, a day or so goes by and we're doing the same kind of thing. We're sitting there. Brandon's, you know, crumpled up in the corner of sobbing, you know what I mean? Like cutting his own arm with this, trying to make like a hole

Starting point is 01:39:38 behind a fucking poster of Raquel Welch. You know what I mean? He couldn't handle it. I don't know why it sounds like Forrest Gump. He couldn't handle the outside. So finally, I hear Bonded out. McCarthy Park. Bonded out. I'm like, the fuck, what does he mean, bonded out? Oh, my God. So, guy comes over, okay?

Starting point is 01:39:59 Goes over. We get to the elevator, go down the elevator. And while we're in the elevator, I turn to the police officer, correct correctional officer, whatever they call them, you know, I can't say guard, apparently. I say to the CEO, we're getting out, we're getting out, we're getting out, and he hits the stop, emergency stop button on the elevator. And he goes, listen, motherfucker, I said, okay, just straight.

Starting point is 01:40:20 Man, what do they pay you guys? Like $20 an hour? Oh, my God. I said, sorry, sorry, sorry. He goes, shut the fuck up. You, shut the fuck up. Shut up. We keep going down.

Starting point is 01:40:30 We get downstairs. And there's that guy in his capizios and cavareciches, okay, with the bail bondsman. And he's standing there. And he goes, all right, guys. And I go to Brandon. And Bernie goes, I'm sorry. I told him. And I gave him my mom's name.

Starting point is 01:40:45 And by the way, Brandon's mother, she's dead now, just like Brandon. But raging alcoholic. And I can't even believe that she had the money to get him out or whatever it was. He goes, I told my mom. I guess my mom must have told your mom or whatever. But that's what this is. So that's why we're out. And I said, fucking hell.

Starting point is 01:41:02 I'm like all annoyed with Brandon. So we get out. They give us our stuff back. Okay. Get my shoelaces back. They give us our stuff back. I look, I have this weird, like, patchy beard. I have, like jail haircut.

Starting point is 01:41:13 It's all. By the way, guy didn't work at VDAS that soon. It was not a good haircut. The eyebrows, fabulous. I'll be honest. I mean, really nice. I mean, really kept the definition. I look like vanilla ice.

Starting point is 01:41:24 So anyway, so now we get out. And I tell the bail bondsman, he's like, I'm like, now what? He's like, I'm going to drive you to the air. He's like, do you still have your boarding pass or your ticket or whatever? He goes, I'm just driving to the airport. So I said, all right, I go to the guy. I'm like, look, I don't have any money. Like, I don't have any money.

Starting point is 01:41:39 I have nothing. So he gives us each $10. And he goes, here, go to the, like, you know, go get like a fucking hot dog or or whatever. So I go, okay. So we go back. And this is obviously, this is like 1994. So we go to American Airlines. We go to the desk.

Starting point is 01:41:54 And I have my ticket still. And I go up and I tell the desk agent, nice girl, I go, funny story. You're going to laugh. I said, I have been locked up in the Miami-Dade County Jail for like the past couple of weeks. So this is a connecting flight from Jamaica. But I still have my ticket to New York. Any chance you could still honor this? Is that a thing that you can do?

Starting point is 01:42:16 She goes, yeah, sure. Okay, so we put us on a flight. We get on the flight, flight, then comes over, and I go, we are starving. This is back on the used to feed you, even in economy, you know? And I go, could we have like three or four lunches, please? Can you just give us a lot of lunches? So she gives us, like, a bunch of boxes of lunches.

Starting point is 01:42:32 So, okay, that was it. We get the lunch. We get to New York. We show up in New York. And it just turns out that my mother is in town from Baltimore for like a conference. She's staying at the fucking Hilton on 42nd Street. And my mother, like, she's like, I need to see you. Of course, like, my hair is all like this.

Starting point is 01:42:47 I got the things of my eyebrow and everything. So I go see her and she's sobbing. She's like, what happened? I'm like, I failed seventh grade. This is what happens. I learned it from you, dad. I learned it from you. So then like I just get back to my life, right?

Starting point is 01:43:03 I get back to my life. Now, I have an aunt who lives on Martha's Vineyard, okay? Aunt Cecilia. And she is fantastic. She actually opened a bar and restaurant in 1973 called the Hot Tin Roof with Carly Simon and James Taylor. She's like Martha's Vineyard royalty. I just saw a couple days ago.

Starting point is 01:43:22 She's fantastic. And I call her and I tell her like what happened. And she goes, she just says to me, she goes, you're not going to believe this. But there's this lawyer who's a friend of mine who works for the national organization for the reformation of marriage laws. Kobe knows it is normal. Okay. Normal. She goes, and I'm going with him.

Starting point is 01:43:46 And they were kind of dating a little bit. I don't know. She's kind of in between marriages. Who knows, right? And she goes, I'm going to Key West. Because my arraignment was like around the corner at this point. If I just kind of stuck it up with, you know, with giving my cooking to the guy, maybe getting a little touch up, maybe on the cross fade or whatever.

Starting point is 01:44:01 You know, like I could, the plan was almost done. We were almost, I mean, I didn't have the pot. So that kind of, that was the whole fucked up thing. But so my aunt goes, I'll go to Key West. I'll see what I can do. I'll, you know, I'll see if I can help you. Okay. Because she knew my dad was a piece of shit and everything else.

Starting point is 01:44:16 And she and I were close and she doesn't talk to my father either. So, you know, whatever it was. So Brandon, however, not so lucky. Brandon has to like get back to New York. He's got to go back down. He gets a public defender. And my aunt, I don't know who she knew in Key West or some guy from normal either calls the Miami-Dade.

Starting point is 01:44:36 Somebody does something somewhere white, white privilege, white privilege. I imagine some guy like in a ponytail like balding on top with like Birkenstops. and like a tie with like, you know, parakeets on it or something. It's like, hey, man, you know, this kid doesn't know what he better, man. You just get us, you know, he's just down there to learn a bad culture, man. He's got to mixed up with the wrong crowd, man. He's fucking people grabbed them at the fucking airport, man, game of radio. What's you going to do, man?

Starting point is 01:45:03 He ain't got no, he's down as an alcoholic, man, what are you doing? He's in co-ed prison sluts, baby. Give him a break. Look at him. He's white. He's white. So, anyway, so I just go like, all right. So my aunt, whatever she does.

Starting point is 01:45:16 does, okay? She comes back and tells me, she goes, listen, as long as you keep your nose clean, no pun intended, soft my ass, for the next six months, I was back into game. For the next six months, okay, this whole thing goes away, okay? So just do not get arrested. Do not, you know, don't fuck around and you, this is your get out of jail free car. So, and by the way, I soon, as I got back, I re-uped. I was back in the game. I still have my sun tan. So I started going up to Washington Heights and I started buying about an ounce of cocaine, which gets you in way more trouble. But again, like, you're white. It's the early 90s and I just started selling, which is way more fun, by the way. And I started selling, you know, half grams here, grams there. And then

Starting point is 01:46:06 eventually these Puerto Rican guys, Joe and Jr. I started working for them on a very part-time basis. My girlfriend was a dancer, a stripper, as you might call them. I started doing that. I started selling. So I got in the back of, this is how, like, ridiculously, like, white herders I am. I had this driver named Sissenta. And I didn't realize Sissenta is a number. I think it's, like, 66 or something.

Starting point is 01:46:31 But I just thought his name was Sissenta. So I was like, hey, Sissenta. So I would start the day, I would start, like, my Friday night, and I would have about a half ounce broken down into half grams. And then I had a pager. And I also had a cell phone. but go through the pager and I would go around and I would sell half uh half half half half grams all over town you know I saw cocaine too a lot sorry soft to a lot was Liza Minnelli isn't that funny

Starting point is 01:46:55 oh he's got the best he's got the best nose candy all of New York you know that's where we are but then years later I moved to L.A and I directed for a couple of years that was it did not I promise you I did I don't know it doesn't it doesn't shock me okay so 2005, okay? I was on a TV show on VH1. I was like one of those like, I love the 80s and, you know, that kind of thing. And because of that, there was a production company that was also involved with Spike TV. So I started doing some Spike TV stuff.

Starting point is 01:47:28 I got involved with women's wrestling. And I became, do you remember ECW? I don't know if you're big wrestling. Paul Heyman, ECW. Anyway, this was kind of like, it was like, it wasn't WWW. It wasn't WWE, but it was like right below that. So those guys started a women's wrestling organization called Women's Extreme Wrestling. And I became like the face of it.

Starting point is 01:47:50 You can look up Brian McCarthy, Women's Extreme Wrestling. It all tracks. So after working with those guys for about a year, I had an idea to use my life experience. I believe our shared life experience because I believe we are prison brothers. And I decided. Did eight days of the fruit of a county jail. About two weeks or so, I tell you. I said, yeah, God.

Starting point is 01:48:12 It was so funny. Years later, I moved to Miami. and there was a target across the street. I sit in my girlfriend. My God, I know that building. Oh, my God. They used to see my cookies. So anyway, so I started this, my own series about women in prison.

Starting point is 01:48:24 But then I went on to make other things. Do you know the Doseki's ad campaign, Stay Thirsty, my friends? Yes. I wrote all the jokes for that. Get the fuck out of here. I promise you, it's the truth. So about 20 years ago, there was a company called Mirror Ball. I used to work in women's wrestling.

Starting point is 01:48:40 And the guy that I worked for, his godson, owned a company called Mirror Ball. which basically is the advertising agency for Bacardi. Bacardi owns Dosecis. And I got the call from the guy I work from my boss. And he goes, hey, I know you do comedy. You do punch up and you write jokes and whatever. I got this new thing for my godson. It's this ad campaign.

Starting point is 01:49:00 Everybody wants to fuck them. Every guy wants to be him. They're calling it the most interesting man in the world. Right. And we need these things called Mims. Can you take a phone call? And at the time, I was on a show on VH1 called I Love the 80s. and I was doing this kind of stuff.

Starting point is 01:49:14 And I said, yeah, I'm always, I need the work, you know, whatever. So I talked to the guy and he goes, yeah, we're doing this thing. And it's like this same kind of a pitch. We need 50 mims. And they go in this particular pentameter. Like, he once had this because of that. It ba, blah, blah, pop, pop, pop, pop. So I wrote like seven of them, sent them away in an email.

Starting point is 01:49:31 And the guy goes, this is great. I need 300. So this is before I quit drinking. And I popped open a couple bottles of red wine. I lived in Brooklyn at the time. And I wrote 300 of them over the course of like nine hours, put him in an email, got them to them, kind of forgot about it. I got paid about $5,000 to do it. And then I moved to Los Angeles. And then about six months later, I am driving down Sunset Boulevard.

Starting point is 01:49:54 And I see this billboard and I see this guy white hair and a beard. And it says, the most interesting man in the world, he once had an awkward moment just to see how it felt. And I was like, I think I wrote that. So I called Michael Blatter at Miraball. And I was like, hey, are you using my stuff? And he goes, yeah, we're using all of it. We're using all of it. So I did that. Are you recording this? Listen, you want, did you tell him?

Starting point is 01:50:19 Not really. Very briefly, something about your patron. Right. Using a homeless man's identity, he wants borrowed nearly $1.5 million just to see if he could. He is the most interesting man in the world. I don't typically commit crime, but when I do, it's bank fraud. That's great. but stay greedy my friends

Starting point is 01:50:43 well listen I got like 20 of the of the Patreon right right right right are the you know stay greedy my friends yeah yeah because once you start writing them they get easy to write they do they're great

Starting point is 01:50:56 it's like a pantameter of like you know but yeah because I yeah I did one like you know he won you know his blood type is awesome you know what I mean so that kind of thing so yeah and by the way did I tell you by the way that I host my own show called the Brian McCarthy interview show and I also have

Starting point is 01:51:10 Patreon. And if you're disabled and you can't see anything, you go to dislabeled, d-I-S-L-A-B-E-L-E-D.com for my series that's on my website and also YouTube. But some piece of shit on YouTube who used to listen in my show, he like took dislabeled on YouTube. So like he has the, he has dislabeled on YouTube. So fuck him. But anyway, but the Brimey Garvey interview show is my thing that I also do. And if you're ever in New York, it's on YouTube. It's on YouTube. Well, it's on YouTube. It's also a podcast. It started off being the National Lampoon interview show because I used to work for the Lampoon. And now it's the Brian McCarthy interview show. To make you change it?

Starting point is 01:51:48 No, I just stopped working for those guys. It's okay. The Lampoon just kind of stopped being a thing. And then I started working with a guy named Eddie Ift and Jim Jeffries back in L.A. And then I work with a guy named Kevin Brennan, who's a comic, his brother Neil created the show with David Chappelle, blah, blah, blah. So, but I've had I had a lot of comics on my show. But I have a lot of like transgender people on the show. I have writers, but a lot of times it's just me and my producer, Adam Hinnaker, on the show.

Starting point is 01:52:15 But it's a lot of fun. People really enjoy it. And, you know, it's the Brian McCarthy interview show. And if you come to New York, you, oh my gosh, my God, Matt, fucking hell. You could be a guy on my show. Bring Colby. Bring your girlfriend and your wife. And hey, bring your girlfriend and your wife.

Starting point is 01:52:32 Look what I did there. Colby. I must have got those. Bring them all. Bring that weird cousin of yours with his poison urethra. Bring that guy. Bring them all. Load them up in the fucking Humvee.

Starting point is 01:52:42 Let's get it going. But yeah, I also have a Patreon. You can find Brian Gard, the interview show on your Patreon. And by the way, congratulations on your, everything you've got going on. I really love people that have climbed. You're like a phoenix, like a tiny little gray phoenix risen out of the ashes. The ashes of a shattered life. But no, I think it's terrific because I, you know, like I was telling Kobe, like I found you on the reel.

Starting point is 01:53:05 And I see this guy in the real. And I'm like, is this guy for real? But I mean, R-E-A-L. And then, of course, you and Tom? And I like, I went into a deep dive because you know Shane Gillis, that piece of shit, that comic, the big famous guy. He's hilarious. Oh, fuck off.

Starting point is 01:53:17 I don't like him at all. We got to, we got to a big fight in Austin, Texas. No way. Tell me about, tell me. All right. You want to hear this one? This is good. This is a, Kobe, this is the big one, by the way.

Starting point is 01:53:26 And by the way, if you look up Brian McCarthy fighting with Shane Gillis on YouTube, some guy made a whole thing about this. So it's out there. But my good friend is a comedian. He's going to kill me. My good friend is a comedian named Joe DeRosa. Joe de Rosa is very, very funny. He and Kurt Metzger are old friends of mine that I know from New York.

Starting point is 01:53:45 Joe relocated to Austin. Joe's from outside of Philadelphia. So last year when Joe relocated to Austin, I went down to the comedy mothership to see Joe who's headlining that weekend down at the mothership. And I went down to see Joe perform and to be part of the thing. To be honest with you, I was kind of sniffing butts a little bit. I'm sorry, you've cut that out too because you're monotide. Can't sniff a man's ass.

Starting point is 01:54:12 Sorry. Sorry. I don't have a college degree. I'm a job out. My dad's drunk. So I end up like going down to Austin because both of those guys are in bed a little bit with Tom Sigora and Christina Pee, although they're since divorced. I can tell you that you want to spill the tea.

Starting point is 01:54:28 But so I went down to Austin to kind of sniff around a little bit and see what's going on and maybe you get on one of those shows or whatever it is. So I went down to Austin for a couple of days to see Joe and see my friend Kurt and just kind of hang out. I knew some other people in Austin. So when I'm going down there, my friend goes, you might see Shane. And prior to that, do you remember Opie and Anthony? They had Bubba the Love Sponge would know Ope and Anthony.

Starting point is 01:54:51 Okay. Opey and Anthony were big, they had a big show on New York Radio, and then they were on Sirius XM, Anthony Coomia, and they were huge for a long time. So Anthony Coomia, he got canceled for being a little racially, blah, blah, blah, on Sirius XM. So he got fired from Sirius XM. He created something called the compound media.

Starting point is 01:55:10 And I had a show on Compound Media with a guy named Kevin Brennan on 35th Street. So we had like Bill Burr on our show. We had comics on the show. Brian Regan would do the show. And Kevin is very well known. He came up. He's about 10 years older than I am, one year older than you are. I'm just kidding, you not that old.

Starting point is 01:55:26 But you can play 54. If the light's right, if the light's right, you can play 54. So Kevin and I were co-host. I was his sidekick, whatever, on this show. Shane Gillis got fired from SNL. A couple days after he got fired, he came on to do our show. show. And this is back in 2018. This is how long, this is how thin skin that tub of shit is, right? So he gets fired. He comes on our show. He and I don't have the best, like, interaction. It just doesn't go

Starting point is 01:55:53 that, that well. For whatever reason, it just wasn't a good. Like, he was, the term that I would use is like, he kind of, in my opinion, he big time me, you know what I mean, a little bit? Like, who the fuck is this guy? Because Kevin's really well known. I was kind of goofy and he didn't let me joke around. Which, by the way, he's fine. He's the guy. He's the guest. on the show. If you want to kind of like shit on me a little bit or make fun of me, whatever, it's fun. I don't really care. But that's the dynamic of what, how he was towards me. So then that night, we hosted a thing at the Broadway Comedy Club and I was the host. He was doing spots on the thing. I'm on the mic. I called him like, I don't know, like Seth Gillis

Starting point is 01:56:28 or something. I also, this is before I retired. Big surprise. I'm an alcoholic. Oh, I'm sorry. Hey, you want to buy a liver? Don't know this one. And so I, this is before. I retired. Okay. So I was drunk at the thing. I was fucking around. He just, he didn't have much of a sense of humor with me and I didn't have with him. So we just didn't have a great interaction. So when I told some friends of mine that I was going down to Austin, apparently either as a guest on somebody's show or maybe on my show, somebody at some point had said, what do you think of Shane Gillis? And I kind of said something along the lines of, I don't, we didn't like each other. I don't really get it. I don't get him. And I think he's not really somebody that he and I, he came on my show and he

Starting point is 01:57:09 It wasn't really, it wasn't funny with me. Having said that, congratulations with all your success and whatever you got going on, but we just didn't have a great, blah, blah, blah. So apparently, like, that got back to him. So people would always say to me, oh, Shane said that you said shit about him and you went on Twitter and you said this shit on Twitter. And I would always say, I didn't say anything on Twitter about him. I don't give a fuck about him.

Starting point is 01:57:28 I said something to somebody and somebody may have said something. And the things I said are the things I said, but I didn't go on social media. So if I see him in Austin, who gives a fuck? The guy's selling out fucking arenas. Like, what does he give a fuck about my opinion? So then I go down to the comedy mothership, okay, and I'm there. It's a totally weird scene, right? Because like all the bouncers are like our MMA fighters and Joe Rogan wasn't there,

Starting point is 01:57:50 but it's like it's a very, you know, it's a real manosphere. Okay, great, whatever. So I'm in the green room, you know, and I'm just hanging out. And Joe has a great set. He's there Thursday, Friday, Saturday. He sells out every night, Sunday night. At the end of the night, they have a bar there called Mitzie's Bar, which is the kind of bar for comics that's in the comedy mothership.

Starting point is 01:58:09 Everyone's got to wear, like, is it wristband, wristband, wristband? Like, geez, what I'm this? This is fucking Pentagon? Like, whatever. Yeah, so I'm in the back. I know people there. I'm standing there. I'm talking to Joe.

Starting point is 01:58:19 Give him Joel hug. The show was really funny, a lot of fun. I'm leaving the next morning. Joe says, I want you to meet this guy, Tony. This guy, Tony comes over. He's this little short guy. I'm talking to him. Now, we haven't gotten into it, but I can't see very well.

Starting point is 01:58:31 Like, I know your hands like this, but I can't really see your face. Don't worry. Later on, I bought the pillow. So it's at the Lakeinta merch store. So I'll see it later. So I'm like, so I need this guy, Tony, and I go, hey, Tony, how you doing? So after like a second and I go, are you that Tony Hensliff guy, the kill Tony guy? And he goes, oh, yeah.

Starting point is 01:58:48 And I just went, I go, oh, congratulations. That's great. Why, you're really killing it. You must be doing really well. And it's wonderful for you. Wonderful. Great. Blah, blah, blah, blah.

Starting point is 01:58:55 So then all of a sudden, I go over to see Joe, Shane's standing there. And Shane's standing there. And Joe goes, hey, Shane, this is my friend Brian. Shane looks in a, Shane's wearing this, like, you know, he's from mechanics. He's from mechanics, auto parts. Oh, tires. I know I sent jealous but I'm really not So he goes

Starting point is 01:59:11 Because Shane looks at me and he goes I know who the fuck you are Oh who the fuck you are Oh already out of the gate we're doing this He goes I know who you are He goes you said a bunch of shit about me on Twitter And I said Okay I said a bunch of shit about you for sure

Starting point is 01:59:26 But I didn't put anything on Twitter I'm standing right here like closer than you and I are I said yeah but I didn't I didn't put it on Twitter And he goes well I've never treated anybody badly before And you're full of shit And I never treated you like that. And I said, well, again, you're doing it right now. I said, well, and I said, oh, wait, it gets better. So I said, well, listen, again, I never said, I said, I said, I said what I said. I said,

Starting point is 01:59:49 you and I did not have a great interaction. You definitely big time me. You treat me how you treated me. It's okay. I'm not bent out of shape about it. I'm not crying about it, but that's our interaction, but then I didn't put it on social media. Somebody else did, and that's what that is. And he goes, well, you should apologize. And I said, I'm not apologizing to you. And then Tony should up and Tony shows up and they reminded me of, remember Christmas story? I know I made that reference now twice in one day, but the little guy with the Coonskin cap and he's got his little buddy, like, yeah, see, where they're bullying. Yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly. Here comes Tony, Tony comes to and he's like, hey, what's going on, boss? And Shane points at me and he goes, this fucking,

Starting point is 02:00:26 again, fucking guy, he was this fucking guy said a bunch of shit about me and he won't apologize. And Tony looked at me and Tony goes, you ever say any shit about me? And I said, I don't know, you're complicit in the election of Donald Trump? I don't know. You're a terrible human being. I know what do you want me to say to you? I don't give a fuck. I said, you guys are ridiculous. So then I turn around and there's this very attractive Mexican girl in between washing cars.

Starting point is 02:00:48 She's in a little black dress and she turns and looks at me because if you're in this room you kind of have to like know somebody in the comedy. And it's Austin's everybody's got their nose up each other's ass. So I turn this girl and she goes, hello. I'm trying to him at waiting, wearing all off you and it's all bloated. And I go, I go, hey,

Starting point is 02:01:05 hi, how you doing? And I'm talking to her for a little bit. And then Tony comes back over. And when Tony comes over, I tell this girl, I go, hey, this is this girl. She's on some YouTube show that does like poker matches. It's called Red Rock something. So she's, I'm talking to her and she's like, oh, I love comedy. And it turns out we were at the same restaurant earlier. So I'm shooting, bullshit, you know, bar talk, you know, whatever. So finally, Tony comes over. She goes, I had to go the bathroom. And she goes to the bathroom. I tell Tony, listen, I'm married. I'm not going to get anywhere with plus she's like 20-something i said so when you come back i'll talk you up a little bit maybe you can like you know you know you're fuck her whatever you know what i mean i'll put you up a little bit you're ready

Starting point is 02:01:39 for this hot shot you know he's kind of like standing there and it's got stupid black bike bikers you know flat hat on whatever and so so she comes back and i tell the girl i go i'll go to the bar and i'll get you a drink now i go to the bar and Shane is like one person away from me and in the middle is this uh his name's christ Sebastian he's a guy with red hair and a red beard he's also a podcast guy and he's he's friends with all these they're all these comedy guys they all know each other right so so they're all podcast guys they're all podcast guys yeah exactly right hilarious and so this chris sabatini and maybe his name is so they're standing there so so now Shane looks over me and he's got his two fingers up and he's doing like a very bad sorry Shane very bad beniro and he's doing this and he's looking at me he's going you know what

Starting point is 02:02:24 you did you know what you did you know what you did so I take my fingers out I go to him I go I'm in your head I don't know why, but I'm in your head. I'm in your head. I don't know why. So the guy in between us is like, the fuck is going on with you too. And so Shane looks at me and he goes, again, this fucking guy. He goes, this fucking guy, I went into the show with Kevin Brennan, and he went online and he said a bunch of shit about how I'm an asshole and how I treated him like he's a dickhead

Starting point is 02:02:50 and I treated him badly and I never did it. And he should apologize. And he's being a pussy because he won't apologize. So I'm getting this girl's drink and I turn to this guy and I said, can't fucking believe you. I said, number one, a pussy would apologize. I'm not apologizing to you for this. I said, here's what I will say to you. I am sorry that I'm so in your head. I'm sorry that I'm making you so upset. That's what you're going to get. That's not a fucking apology. So I turn, I give the girl a drink. And then Joe comes over to me. And Joe goes, what's going on with you and Shane? I go,

Starting point is 02:03:19 you know what? I'm just going to go back to my hotel room. And then the next day, Joe and I are very close. I haven't talked to Joe since. Oh, I know. But you know what? I get it. And it's a shame, but, you know, and then what really happened, I mean, not what it really happened. But then, like, a couple of days later, I talked about it on my show. And then it got picked up by some comedy podcast, whatever. And it was like the reason why Austin comedy sucks. And then it played all the stuff I said about Shane and but whatever. But Jesus Christ, the guy's making fucking $5 million a year.

Starting point is 02:03:50 You're worried about some admittedly very handsome, delicate cheekbone. Nobody is saying to you, the star of the Brian McCarthy interview show also as a Patreon, cares. Anyway, so, hey, start ready for part two. Was this okay? Did you have fun? Yeah, it was good. It was good. Thank you.

Starting point is 02:04:09 Thank you very much. I would say my buddy, Danny Jones has been on Joe Rogan. He went there. He went to his comedy place and everything. Did he try it elk? I don't know about the elk. But also Johnny Mitchell. Yeah, he lives in awesome.

Starting point is 02:04:26 We do a podcast, The Merman, together. Oh, okay. Like swimming? Murder men. Oh, murder men. I thought he meant like mermaids. You guys wear big tails? That'd be funny.

Starting point is 02:04:37 Oh, my God. So I've been to Austin like twice in the last six months. But honestly, I didn't even think to go to the fucking go to the club. It's not the comedy club. What do you call it? Comedy Mothership. The comedy mothership? Yeah.

Starting point is 02:04:50 It's a big old theater that Rogan. Vod and Renovating. Yeah, yeah. Renovated, I guess. Host awesome seats. But I mean, yeah. I mean, it's fine. It's a beautiful old vaudeville.

Starting point is 02:04:59 theater, I think. Right. It's right on their 6th Street thing. So, but yeah, my really good friend who I'm still talking to is Kurt Metzker, and he's super talented. He has an Emmy, and he does a show for your mom's house. So, hey, by the way, are your books on audiobook? Yeah, almost all of them are on audio.

Starting point is 02:05:18 Who reads them? You know? Hell no. I can't read for shit. You don't get me better if somebody like couldn't read. It's always better to have me, you know what I mean? Like, because you can listen in any way. You're just kind of like in there and like, somebody's like, and then the, you know,

Starting point is 02:05:29 But no, because I have an audible subscription. So I'm always listening to books. So I'll definitely check your stuff out. Yeah, they're all. I'm sorry. Now, I know we're trying to wrap it up. But didn't you start writing when you were in prison? Yeah.

Starting point is 02:05:39 Would you write on like a toy paper and something like that? Like, I'm not trying to be funny, like your own blood. You know, so funny. There's some people. You've got two different people. You got the people that think, oh, so did you write it on your laptop? He said, don't fucking laptop. And then you have the other people who are like, so how did you write?

Starting point is 02:05:55 You write it like on like scraps of paper. So like, no, motherfucker. I bought a legal, I bought legal pads on the commissary. Or I just steal them from the library where, because I also taught GED. So I just take them from fucking from there. I would write it up. And then I go on, they have a core link. They have a system called core links.

Starting point is 02:06:13 Okay. Which is like it's the just like 180 guys in every unit and there's like five computers. But you can email people. Right. So you can type and you send an email. So, but if you want to draft an email, you can write an email and hold it in the draft. that's it it's like a it's like a let's say it's like i know what you mean like an unsaned it's a very very rudimentary kind of text system right where you're allowed to type out stuff and hold in a draft and

Starting point is 02:06:38 then you can go so i would file correct kind of yes so i would go and i would write the chapters but it's very limited on how many characters it'll hold so i would have like chapter one a chapter one b chapter one c chapter two a chapter two so i would just type it up and save it and then when the whole book is typed up. I'd print it out. I'd have guys edit it. So I'd go to the guys and say, hey, can you read this and tell me if you see any typos? Because there's no word. So they would, I'd have like four guys

Starting point is 02:07:06 read the whole thing and they'd be a, yeah, you spelled this wrong. Who are the guys? What do you mean? Like, other publishers? No, inmates. Are there inmates? I'm no kidding. I was there's inmates in prison. I always picture you like the island of Dr. Moreau. Like you're the smart. Like you're like the Marlon Brando. Everyone else around it's not. They have guys. They have guys who they're from NASA.

Starting point is 02:07:23 They have school teachers. Keep mind 50%. Well, about 40% of the population there are our whole are uh are you tell me those chumos on the moon absolutely and so so they would read it so you got a guy from nassah fucking doing the your editing you know and then you'd be like give it back you fucking choke no yeah give me a fish can you give me it's like you missed an apostrophe you're like oh god no one of your assholes bleeding anyway so they would write and then I make the corrections in the draft and once I got it fairly well um edited sure I'd then send it to my publisher, he would take it and pop it into word, mail it back in a manuscript, and then we'd go

Starting point is 02:07:58 through it again maybe and say, hey, it looks pretty good. That would be it. So I started by writing my book. Then I wrote, um, gosh. Oh, I wrote Ephraim Devereoli's book, uh, which is a guy, they made a movie called War Dogs about him with Jonah Hill. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, the Miami. Yeah, right. Yeah, the two, uh, yeah, the two Jewish kids that smoked pot and got the arm's tail. So, wrote that one, got a couple, wrote another one for a guy named Doug Dodd, got him. and Rolling Stone Magazine. I was successful doing this, as successful as you can be in prison.

Starting point is 02:08:32 And then by the time I got out, I'd written like 20, I've written like six or seven books and I'd written like 24 synopsies of stories. And I got out and then I started this podcast. Kind of because it was like true crime. Like I slowly figured out, okay, probably can write these stories,

Starting point is 02:08:47 which is great, by the way. I wrote the stories. I put them on Amazon, wrote the books, got them on Amazon. Self-publish. Well, had two deals in prison.

Starting point is 02:08:56 I had two book deals. They just don't pay anything. They don't. They give you like $3,000 for an advance. And then every six months you get a fucking check for like $170. And you're like, what happened? Is that because you're in prison? They know better?

Starting point is 02:09:08 I don't know that anybody gets. Like the disparity between being a bestseller and and everybody else. Yeah, yeah, sure. It's huge. Like you're you're starving to death. You're writing. and you're working as a waiter. Right.

Starting point is 02:09:25 Or you're making $2 million a year as a bestseller. And I was not a bestseller. Right. So I'm writing these books and I publish it. But if you self-publish, you can make a couple thousand a month. So when I got out and I self-published, my books are making $1,000 to $2,000 to maybe $3,000 if I did a good podcast. So I'm able to make money on these books that I wrote five, 10 years ago. So that's supplementing my ability to also start this podcast.

Starting point is 02:09:53 and pay my bill. So I'm getting a couple thousand dollars a month doing this. Sure. And then, you're doing the books. And then I'm also selling paintings. And then we're waiting for this to start making money. And then eventually this becomes my full time gig.

Starting point is 02:10:06 Isn't that terrific? It's amazing. It's, it's, I mean, there was, you know, in one sense, I like to say that, you know, I got lucky. But I also think that I did. I started getting lucky 10 years before I got out of prison when I started writing these books and doing true crime and thinking I really enjoy true crime. I like it.

Starting point is 02:10:27 And so I'm going to keep trying to do it. And if I keep trying to do it, maybe I could make it a career because the judge was, he was adamant that I could not commit fraud anymore. And so, you know, I knew that part of my, my, the other thing I like to do, I couldn't do that anymore. So I thought, I'll do true crime. And maybe I can figure out how to make it work. And luckily I bumped into Colby and Colby figured out how to make it work.

Starting point is 02:10:49 You see that judge, I'll tell you a guy like you, what's the first being you ever saw when you were young and what streets you grew up on i tell you i'm done with this whole thing and your mother's main name was what it rhymes with it's on the tip of my tongue uh i can't did you read i actually just listen to it um the guy that the yellowstone guy he wrote uh how to survive in prison i'm talking about that the guy who wrote yellow you mean uh sheraton yes sheridan yes sheridan yes he had a it's kind of like the knucklehead that you deal with like he knew a guy from i don't know why your cousin with his your reason reminded me of this but the the guy that he was when he was living in LA, he met a guy who opened a gym, who had spent a lot of time in prison.

Starting point is 02:11:29 And during COVID, the guy's gym closed. So the guy needed money. And he said, look, instead of me giving you money, you have this incredible story that you tell. And I'd love you to like, I'll help you write your a book. So he said, okay, we collaborate. So they collaborate in the book called How to Survive in Prison. So they, he was on, it was on Howard Stern. He was like a guest on Howard Stern, you know, whatever back in May.

Starting point is 02:11:51 the one time a month the guy actually does a show anymore but uh yeah and it was called how to survive in prison and it was an audio book and it was read by the guy who wrote the book with the yellowstone guy so they collaborated on the book but it's one another great prison book is you've got nothing coming came in about 20 years ago about like this little uh this little jewish guy who was in a blackout drunk and like killed somebody in Vegas and like went to prison and talks about it and everything else right but the how to survive in prison it's like it's it's okay it's okay it's not it's not a great book but It was, you know, I mean, it was, it was interesting. My stuff is a couple of times.

Starting point is 02:12:24 And that's, that's all I, you know, like, if I can get six or seven out of it, it's great. That's what I call, that's what I call a Lekenta dozen. Hey, you guys, I really do appreciate you watching. Do me favor, hit the subscribe button, hit the bell, so get notified videos just like this. Also, we are going to leave all of Brian's links in the description box. So you can go in there. You can click on it. Go there.

Starting point is 02:12:45 You can subscribe to his channel and you can follow everything he's got. Also, you can buy his books. I really do appreciate you watching. Thank you very much. I appreciate it. Thank you. See ya. Yeah!

Matthew Cox | Inside True Crime Podcast - International Smuggler Reveals His Secrets!

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