Mayim Bialik's Breakdown - Ask Mayim Anything #4: Oversharing, Highly Sensitive People, & The Dangers of Self-Diagnoses

Episode Date: July 6, 2023

It’s another episode of Ask Mayim Anything! Mayim answers your questions about her ear piercings, the dangers of self-diagnosis, why we overshare with strangers, advice for sending your adult children into the world, and ways to navigate a relationship with a parent who won’t acknowledge their abuse. She breaks down Highly Sensitive People, Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria, and the “Gifted” label. Mayim shares tips for combating feelings of worthlessness, managing a highly active brain, coping with change, calming test-taking nerves, and enhancing your focus. Stay tuned until the end for a mini Yiddish Word of the Day! Choosing a Jewish Life by Anita Diamant: https://a.co/d/bgPbYgR BialikBreakdown.com YouTube.com/mayimbialik Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

If you do not want to engage with a parent who inflicted abuse on you, that's completely reasonable. If you're choosing to interact with a parent who inflicted abuse on you and they don't acknowledge it, the choice is really yours as to whether you're able to continue to have a relationship with them, knowing that you know what's true, but they don't have to agree, or you may choose to not have a relationship. You also may choose to have a relationship and at some point you might say, I change my mind. This isn't working for me. But it's very painful to have others not acknowledge things that you believe that they did to you. And mostly, I don't want to say avoid it, but you likely cannot change another person's sense of reality. You are welcome,

and I think in general, we as humans are welcome to say to someone, there are things that I experience that would like to talk to you about is that something you're open to. And if the answer is no, then you get to decide if that feels healthy for you to continue. But I want to just remind you that what happened to you is real and you don't need someone else's validation. Even though that's painful and even though that can feel really traumatic, if it feels retramatizing, it's not healthy for you to be there, is my guess. But there is a lot of, but there is a a way to say I'm in acceptance that this person has a different view of reality and it doesn't change my reality.

It's Miami-Bi-Ollic's breakdown. She's going to break it down for you because you know she knows a thing or two. And now she's going to break... Hi, I'm Mayam-Biolic and welcome to my breakdown. This is the place where we break things down so you don't have to. And today you had a lot of things that you should not have to break down alone. I'm going to break them down with you. It's Ask Myam Anything.

Yay! Yay! Today we have a very... smattering of questions. We have questions, as always, about mental health. We talk about self-diagnosis, highly sensitive people, feeling sad and worthless, rejection-sensitive dysphoria, what's that? We also talk about what it's like to have an active brain and how to cope with change and taking tests, and also, why do I overshare? We've got some really good questions in the women's health department about premenstrual dysphoric disorder and of course hormones. Those are

always great questions. And we have a terrific question about what to do if your parent doesn't acknowledge the abuse that you suffered as a child. Terrific questions today. Cannot wait to answer them all. Follow us at Bialic Breakdown and submit your questions there. Let's get into some questions with Ask MyM Anything. Break it down. We're going to start with a fun one because on Ask MyManything, you literally can ask me anything, like, how many ear piercings do you have? Says Amy. Well, um, I have eight on the right,

six on the left, but one of the piercings on the left, 20 years after having it, one day decided it did not want an earring in it anymore. And I proceeded to get a staff infection, which spread to my eyes. So that's a very long answer to how many ear piercings. But eight, let's see, five of them are on the regular lobe on the right side.

The rest are up high. And on the left, I used to have four, and then the others are up high. I did have an eyebrow piercing for a period, but I took it out. And now I just have a scar, and my eyebrow hairs grow funny in that area. Something they should have warned me about. All right. Next question. What are the dangers of self-diagnosis?

Well, J.C., I wonder if that's Jonathan. He's not here today. Maybe that's his question. Self-diagnosis, I think, can mean anything from you thinking you have something or you spending a lot of time on the internet or on social media trying to figure out what it is that you have. There are so many dangers. The dangers of self-diagnosis are, first of all, you may diagnose yourself incorrectly because part of the purpose of diagnosis, is to have an objective set of eyes and ears on what's going on for you. So I recently decided that there's something very wrong with the width of my face. And this is a funny example. But I was talking to my therapist about it and she said, you do understand that there's an entire psychological story that you have surrounding what you think your face looks like. And it's not that I hadn't thought of it, but I hadn't thought of it in that way because when you think about what a self-diagnosis, would look like, it means that your lens is what is viewing your lens with. And the whole purpose of diagnosis is to have objectivity. Another dangerous self-diagnosis is you might not be understanding

the full story of what's going on with you. For example, let's say you're bipolar, which means you have experiences of being both manic and depressed, and those would alternate. If all you're looking up is things about your manic features without realizing that you also have depressive features, you would be misdiagnosing yourself by saying, I have mania. Conversely, if you're a person who experiences depression, but no one's asking you the questions about the flip side of that and telling you some of the things that come up with mania, you might never know to say, gosh, might I also be having manic symptoms? So those are just a couple examples. And I also want to say that it's incredible that we can look things up on the internet.

It's incredible that we can use social media to not feel alone about the things about us that are troubling. But if you're having persistent problems, if other people are expressing concerns about your behavior, chances are you're best going to do well with someone objectively helping you figure out what's going on and how you can make it better. Next question is from Krista. Please break down the science and psychology behind HSPs. highly sensitive people. Well, Krista, I don't know if you're one, but I think I am, not to self-diagnose

myself, but a highly sensitive person is someone who has a heightened awareness of stimulus. And that could be anything from sounds, like lights, other visual stimulus, crowds, can even be textures. and it's not just like, oh, I notice those things. It's usually people who feel a sense of like, oh, something is really not right in my body when I experience these things. And we're not talking just like mildly like, I don't like crowds.

We're talking like crowds bring me a level of agitation that feels icky in my cells. People who are highly sensitive also tend to be more bothered by violence, by depictions, let's say, of things like animals. abuse, people who are easily overwhelmed, people who often have to kind of constantly take time outs or feel triggered, those might be people who are actually highly sensitive people. Highly sensitive people also tend to be creative and have a deep level of empathy. Those are kind of the plus sides of some

of this sensitivity. And people with people who are highly sensitive people tend to experience these things on a higher level. So again, it's not like, if you notice that you don't like someone chewing, that it means you're a highly sensitive person. We're talking about a level of irritation and discomfort that often comes with being a highly sensitive person. So in terms of the science and psychology, you know, I'm not going to go ahead and say that every highly sensitive person you know likely experienced something significant in their childhood. but many of us have experienced significant things in our childhoods, and it seems that some people are more prone, and that could be genetically or really just from a sense of, you know,

the coping mechanisms we inherit from the situations that we're raised in or the way our parents relate, that could make us more susceptible to be a person who is more sensitive this way. There's also a lot of overlap between highly sensitive people and other diagnoses or types of. of people. So you can be more than one thing at one time. You can also be on the spectrum and be a highly sensitive person. You cannot be on the spectrum and be a highly sensitive person. There are regions of the brain that are specifically made, you know, to interpret and filter out information.

And there's a wide spectrum. You know, some people can filter things out better than others. With ADHD, you see people unable to filter out, let's say, not necessarily critical information at all times. And for highly sensitive people, you know, it's almost like the inability to filter out emotional content from things. You know, that likely involves regions like the amygdala, and there's all sorts of circuits in the brain, both deep in the brain and also some frontal lobe stuff that has to do with that kind of regulation. Tips for interacting with highly sensitive people, well, I kind of wish Jonathan was here to answer this because he knows that at any time I might cry. And what that means is

I might get, I might see something that might upset someone else, but for me, it causes a really big reaction. Also, Jonathan has a very specific sense of humor, which many of you have probably picked up on. It's one of my favorite things about him, but because of my highly tuned sensitivity, things can hurt me that otherwise would not hurt other people, and he sometimes learns that the hard way. You know, telling someone to get over it doesn't help. Telling someone you're fine also doesn't help. You know, telling someone it's going to be okay also doesn't help. So what does help?

Letting people be themselves generally helps. Don't tease people if they are highly sensitive people. I don't find it very pleasant to have the level of sensitivity that I have. And many highly sensitive people also do not. So let's also remember people have been like this for all of human history. It just now has this term. So sometimes a term can be comforting. but please don't use it as a weapon.

Next question is from Corky, a name that I like very much. Why did you decide to do your doctoral thesis on Prater Willey syndrome? What was the catalyst for your work? And what did you find in your research? Well, let's see. I went to graduate school for neuroscience, and I am a vegan, which means I choose not to do research on animals. And that means that in a neuroscience department,

there's only a certain number of professors who are not doing research on animals because it is the truth that a lot of research and neuroscience research is on animals. So one of the fields that is very popular to study humans in in neuroscience is the field of mental retardation, and I'm using that word in a clinically appropriate way, not using it the other way that I don't use it. But that field includes all sorts of interesting syndromes, things like Down syndrome, William's syndrome, which is a really interesting syndrome with very high rates of absolute pitch, like people who have perfect pitch often occur in William's syndrome.

And when I was reading one of our professors in the neuroscience department, when I was reading her book on all the different syndromes of mental retardation that she has studied, I came across Prater-Rilly syndrome. And Prada-Willy syndrome is very interesting in its genetic profile. It's the first example of human genomic imprinting. Google that, it's fascinating. Basically, Praterally syndrome is distinct in that it was the first disease where we figured out that it matters if you inherit certain genes from your mom or your dad, which we used to think like, oh, chromosome 8, chromosome 16, like blah, blah, blah,

but Pratererillies syndrome only comes if there's a deletion from your father's chromosome. And if you have that same deletion in the genetic region of your mother's chromosome, you have a totally different syndrome called Angelman syndrome. So Prada really had been studied a long time by geneticists, but they have very high rates of obsessive compulsive disorder. And so I said to this professor, you know, I noticed you wrote about Prader Rilly syndrome, has a neuroscientist ever looked into Prader Rilly syndrome? And the answer was that there was one neurologist who looked into slices of brains from people who had passed away who had Prader Rilley syndrome. But there was not a lot of research into their obsessive compulsive disorder and how it related.

to other features of their syndrome. And so the purpose of a thesis is to have research that has never been done before. And I said, well, I am going to study obsessive compulsive disorder in this population. And so that's what I did. And I've always wanted to work with individuals with special needs, always had an interest in that community. And I did what's called a pilot study. It's behind me. It's very thick, because most of it is references, meaning like the bibliography. takes up a third of it, but it's a 300-page thing. It's a big deal. But, you know, what you find in that kind of research, especially, you know, at that time and for the way research, you know, was being done then, and what I found is that there is a connection. I did not have a large enough subject

sample. Like, you'd need hundreds of patients to be able to make larger conclusions. But the work that I did is consistent with other work in the areas of using oxytocin. to treat obsessive compulsive disorder, which some people are starting to do. And it was really an incredible and very tedious experience to get a doctorate. But that is how I ended up working with this incredible population of individuals that Prada Rilly syndrome. And I'm still involved in the organizations that support those families. And people with Prada Rilly syndrome have a lot of behavioral challenges,

not all of them including food, but that is one of the areas that they do need the most support in. And I got to meet some incredible families and work with some really cool individuals. Next question. Sadie asks, what do you do when you feel useless, irrelevant, and worthless, or do you not ever feel that way? Great question. I do feel that way. And, you know, it's kind of a hard question to answer because I know that from where I'm sitting, you know, obviously I have a platform and I get to talk to people.

And I would say that, you know, I am grateful that I have the opportunity. to be here and I'm still a human and I often feel like what I'm doing is not what I'm supposed to be doing or I'm not doing it well enough or I'm not reaching enough people or I'm not doing it right or I look stupid, you know, like just name the thing and I think it. What do I do? You know, I try and some people like to surround themselves with people who will not make them feel useless, irrelevant, and worthless. But because I'm an actor person, you know, I grew up in a world where everybody's like, you're amazing. And it's sometimes hard for me to lean into believing people. So for me, that's not necessarily the answer. You know, we've had a lot of guests on this show. Kelly Clarkson

comes to mind. Hunter McGrady comes to mind who believe in positive affirmations. That can work. You know, that's sort of like the notion of like fake it till you make it. Like if you keep telling yourself you're beautiful and cognitive behavioral therapy would have you do this. If you keep telling yourself like you're not useless, you're amazing. For some people that actually will kind of train their brain into feeling more ease with that, you know, for me, I try not to spend too much time trying to think differently, but I try to behave differently. Doing things that that build me up are important for making those feelings get pushed down because they need to be set aside. And I don't mean to push down the notion that I have issues about myself, but I mean to say on a daily basis, like, I need to move my body.

I need to try and meditate or have quiet time. I need to try and, you know, eat things that are healthy for me. And generally speaking, those things start to tip the scales a little bit so that those other feelings are not as strong. But I will also say, and I hope this doesn't depress people, this is a struggle for many of us every day. Like I'd love to say that I have consistent days, weeks, months, and years of feeling amazing. That's just not my story. And I've also stopped obsessing about why that isn't my story because that's a lot of where that kind of cycling happens. So every day I get the opportunity to do it again.

You know, I wake up and try and have a sense of gratitude for waking up. And, you know, I try and do the things that, you know, that we're told to do. Jonathan likes to get sun first thing in the morning. He feels like it's a really good way to start your day with positivity. And there's absolutely science to that. So, yeah. And also if you feel consistently or persistently useless, irrelevant, and worthless, that would really be a time to get professional help and talk to someone about it.

Because that is a serious set of feelings. And, yeah. My MBialx breakdown is supported by Superpower. We all know the feeling of leaving a doctor's office and kind of feeling like we didn't get anything out of the experience that was useful. Maybe they're like, you're fine, drink more water. There's no real data. There's no game plan.

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And Valerie and I had to do a little bit of a dive here. This is not a mental health condition that is yet recognized in the DSM-5. It's a new label, and it sounds like it describes some things that you may not have known now have a phrase. People with RSD have an extreme response to rejection. Obviously, rejection doesn't feel good, and that can be a motivating factor. You know, it can help us do better. It can help us understand ourselves better. It can help us have compassion for ourselves.

But there are some people who have a very, very specific negative reaction to judgment. It can send them into what is called a mental tailspin, which kind of sounds like the title of my next LP. And the distinction between kind of this and other. other kinds of I don't like feeling rejected, is that this can not just ruin a day, this can have a disproportionate impact on kind of the course that you're on. A lot of people who experience this fall under categories of, you know, perfectionists or people who are hypersensitive or overly reactive. Often people who get this label will exaggerate how people feel about them to sort of, you know,

it's a justification. And these people also tend to be easily moved towards guilt and shame, isolation, aggression, or rage against people who have slighted you. This is something that you'll see features of in a lot of different, also behavioral disorders. Interestingly, having ADHD appears to raise your risk of RSD significantly, which is interesting. Obviously, there could be genetics. There are, of course, social and psychological triggers. Oftentimes, if you are diagnosed with this, there's probably other things, other comorbidities, things that are also occurring. You know, things like antidepressants will be, will often be suggested. You know, psychotherapy is really good for this kind of thing. There are cognitive behavioral methods to deal with this. I would favor

psychotherapy for something like this to try and get to the root of it a little bit and see if you can sort of find a place. Often, I'm guessing, it has to do with how rejection was perceived in your home of origin. And in terms of how can it cause one to dissociate, you know, dissociation can come as any reaction to any specific, difficult, negative experience, especially one that's linked to trauma. So dissociation is just, I can imagine that happening. But again, that's something that would happen in a lot of different conditions. Annie wants to know. how she can deal with having a highly active brain. My brain never stops thinking. I have vivid dreams nightly. I can't seem to shut it off. I've tried meditation, grounding myself. Nothing seems to help.

Well, Annie, I'm sorry that nothing seems to help. That sounds really horrible. And as a person with a highly active brain, we're going to call it HAB, I know what you mean. I've talked here on the podcast about how I often speak in my non-native tongue in my sleep. I will translate things into Spanish in my sleep. I've written songs in my sleep. I have very elaborate, vivid and complicated dreams. I'm going to go ahead and be that lady. There's no such thing as trying meditation, meaning there are so many different kinds of meditation, and the goal would be to find some sort of practice that works for you. Walking meditation is something I started doing when I started trying to meditate, because everyone told me I had to meditate.

So walking meditation is a thing. Yoga is a form of moving meditation, and there are so many videos that you can get free on YouTube. It is a muscle that has to be exercised. And when I was thinking today, when I first started meditating, I couldn't sit for more than 30 seconds. Literally physically, I couldn't sit. And it is literally a muscle. It's kind of like saying, oh, I can't lift a 10-pound weight. You can, but you have to start with a 2-pound weight, and you work your way up.

And that really is meditation is something that you don't just do for the moments that you're doing it. It has a significant clinical impact on your overall level of anxiety and activity. So that is one thing. Another thing that I have learned is you may not be a person who can watch television late at night. And you may not be a person who can eat late at night. And you may not be a person who can exercise late at night. I used to do all of those things. I would work a whole day, go to the gym, come home, eat dinner at like 8, 8.30, sometimes 9,

watch TV, go to bed, and wonder why I wasn't feeling well. So you may want to look into what they call sleep hygiene, which I really hate that phrase. I'm going to be honest, even when I say it, I'm like, I sound like a horrible, stupid grown-up. But sleep hygiene is a real thing and can have an impact not only on your sleep, but on the level of activation that your brain is operating at. I would say that exercise helps me, and I need to do that, but I cannot do it late at night. And this, if nothing seems to help, to me, those are the key words for you may want to speak to outside help, meaning to a therapist or a counselor. And if it's not a good match for you, it's not a good match. So I encourage

you to keep finding the kind of person who can help you with these things and hope you have sweet dreams. Also, P.S., alcohol is a sleep disruptor and really wrecked my sleep. And I don't even mean from excessive drinking. I mean, it got to the point where I could not get regular sleep, even if I had a glass of wine with dinner. I had to give that up. And obviously, caffeine. And that's just like, that's a thing. Caffeine is also a sleep. wrecker. I'm just not fun. Lauren wants to know what are some tips for coping with change, especially for someone who does not handle change well. Here are some good ones. Valerie helped us find these from Henry Ford Health. And these are really good. This is literally what I would come up with

if I had to think of it on my own, but thank you, Valerie, for helping us help Lauren. Planning ahead, so one of the things about change, especially if we're nervous about change, we often will avoid thinking about it because we think if we don't think about it, it'll be okay. Guess what? Planning, investing some cognitive energy in thinking about what is needed, what is expected of you, what possible scenarios might be. That's actually helpful. That's different from ruminating and worrying. Planning is different. Planning involves concrete things that you look at that you can say, what needs to be done? What do I need to do? What do I need to make a list of? I love a list. A list really helps me cope with change, honestly, because I can literally see it. I can see it and it feels

it is concrete and then it's not floating in my head. Another thing, reframe your thinking, and this, I usually, you know, have used a therapist for things like this. What is it about the change that is troublesome, disturbing, or challenging? It's going to take some deep digging, but it will make the change easier. Taking time to reflect is important. if change involves any aspect of loss, and it doesn't have to be death, it doesn't have to be moving, there are all sorts of aspects of loss and grief that many of us think is like a luxury for like celebrities to talk about. We all experience loss and the morning process is real. And even if it's a small change, a friend of mine when she had to get rid of her car, it finally went to

its resting place, we made a little ritual to say goodbye to her car. It was something. something really important to her. It symbolized independence at a time in her life when she desperately needed it. There are rituals that you can create, even little things that you can do. And, you know, the voice in your head might be like, that's silly, that's for kids. We're all just children. We're children that are just bigger and older, I promise. So a lot of the things that we're taught to do as children, when we have to shift or change, those still work as adults. trying to maintain some normalcy is important. It's not always possible to find it, but where you can, try and stick with a structure or routine. You know, even changing, here's a silly example,

even changing when it's like daylight savings, which is so silly, you know, for a lot of people that can be upsetting. I'm one of those people because I'm a highly sensitive person. But maintaining a similar routine and trying to shift. it makes it not seem as uncomfortable. And there's obviously more significant examples than that. Finally, creating some comfort and finding gratitude is always important, sort of having a positive attitude where you can find it. And sometimes things are really crummy. I absolutely know that. Anything you can do to create comfort, whether it's getting outside, listening to music that you normally haven't listened to in a while. Sometimes even a cup of tea or, you know, I don't like to

equate food with feel-good things, but sometimes a cup of tea is nice. And also finding any aspect of gratitude is important. You know, I always try and remember, like, there's two answers from the universe. There's yes and there's not now. So sometimes a change can feel like you've been given a big fat no, or you can't have this, or that's not going to happen. But what it means is that the time is not now for what you thought you need, and there's something else waiting. So I hope that helps. I do not know this name, but it's pretty. Canana? Canana? Please break down what it means to be gifted. How can that label positively or negatively impact you later in life? You know, I honestly wonder about this myself, because I went to magnet programs. Apparently there was some test that I don't even

remember that determined the classes that I got to be in and a lot of things that I got to do. And I think there's different levels of giftedness. And one of the really neat things about the generation that my kids are growing up in and that many of you may be growing up in is that the definition of gifted has really broadened out. There's no universally accepted definition of giftedness, but often children who have an advanced ability, advanced potential, when compared to other kids in the same age or experience, those kids are often labeled gifted. You know, I remember some of the programs I went to involved,

kind of like higher level critical thinking exercises and kind of computational exercises that we were given to do. I'd also like to point out I went to public school my whole life, so I did not go to like a fancy school for gifted children. I was bused, you know, from a not-so-great neighborhood into kind of a fancier neighborhood where they recognize that there are children who are gifted

who come from all sorts of backgrounds and, you know, we are continuing to move forward in this, but there's still a tremendous amount that needs to be done to give all racial and ethnic backgrounds equal opportunities for, you know, access to gifted programs. I will also say that the definition is expression

now to include people who are gifted in ways that often don't show up on tests. So you can be musically gifted. You can also be gifted in regions of kind of emotional intelligence. There's a lot of different ways that we now acknowledge people can be gifted. What are the positive things? You know, often like in my case, I got opportunities that weren't available, you know, in the neighborhood I grew up in. And that's sort of what a lot of public schools have tried to do with the magnet programs. I think they're also called gate programs, gifted and talented. something. I think that's what they have in the Bay Area. Anyway, so the positives are, it expands out possibilities. It allows children to be challenged where they're at. And in particular,

it allows children from all backgrounds to have access to accelerated learning. What are the negatives? Well, you get labeled as something, which means that there are kids who don't get labeled that and don't get those resources. And you can often feel extra pressure. You can feel isolated from your peers. if you're gifted to the point that you're, you know, set aside. You know, if you're gifted and not getting services that help you, you may feel bored. And if you're bored, you may act out. That's a thing that happens. And many gifted children who can understand really abstract things often can struggle with things that are more concrete.

So those are challenges. But I think in terms of the label, it can stick with you. Just like being labeled, learning disabled can stick with you in negative. ways. So what I'm mostly grateful for is that we have a much broader definition than we used to, and that gifted programs are reaching hopefully more and more pockets of our country and the world. James says, please break down nerves, specifically around exams. What are some tips for anxiety around test taking? You know, this is where I sound like your mom. You have to study in an appropriate way. studying means spreading out information over an extended period of time with a lot of repetition

and rest in between. And I know there's people out there like my ex-husband who are like, is not a big deal. I'll just study the night before and get an A. I don't, I am not that person. I know those people exist, but generally speaking, and I'm speaking as a scientist and your mom, studying when you know that there's a test coming, not cramming, not depriving yourself of sleep, those are important aspects to beginning your study and anxiety journey. Another thing to do if you're having anxiety surrounding test taking is it's important to learn how to calm your body down because you don't want to go into an exam hoping you won't be anxious when you know that you are anxious. So breathing deeply in a very specific way,

that would be inhaling through your nose, exhaling through your mouth, trying to make your exhale longer than your inhale. That can help. Even doing six of those breaths is a really good idea. Those things can be helpful in lowering your general anxiety. And for me, once I start taking a test, there's usually an ability to kind of set it aside. If you're having persistent and consistent problems, please speak to your teacher, and you likely will want to speak to a counselor or a therapist as well. Getting plenty of sleep is a smart thing. I know there's people who pull all-nighters. Again, not my style. I don't think it's smart.

I don't think it's good for your brain. Avoid too much sugar or caffeine, but obviously have some carbs in you when you go to take a test because your brain does need fuel. Swarup has a question. Do you have any practical tips for maintaining concentration on one thing at a time? How can I better focus on the task at hand and avoid being distracted by outside influences?

I love this question. I feel like this is just going to be a mom answer again. guess what people, whether you're a child, a teenager, or an adult. The amount of time that we spend on a device that is constantly shifting our attention does not help our overall concentration. That's the short answer. The longer answer is that you do have to train yourself to only do one thing at a time and learn how to tolerate the feelings that come up when you do that.

So this is, again, like it's a muscle that has to be exercised. Meaning if you're trying to do four things at once, you're not going to be able to concentrate on one. So maintaining concentration means giving concentration to the one thing you're doing. You know, I do need to sometimes have my phone not in the room, even if I know I'm not going to look at it. The temptation pulls my mental energy away. That is a thing. It's a scientific thing. you know, I can get very easily distracted if I am, you know, studying or trying to read or concentrate

in a place where, like, there's my cats or evidence of the chores that I have to do or other people's laundry annoying me on the floor. So, you know, choosing where you concentrate on things is also very important. Some people like to have music playing in their head or in their earphones while they do things. generally speaking that is dividing the attention of your brain. I don't know your brain, though. Some people, especially people who have ADHD, do appreciate having that kind of stimulus, but generally speaking, less stimulus leads to more concentration. Lauren asks, why do I overshare with strangers? And yet I can't open up to those closest to me. How can I prevent myself from doing this? Well, let's look at the definition. Oversharing is saying more than is appropriate in a certain situation or to a

certain person. Oversharing is a term used when you don't have a particularly deep enough connection with someone or an invitation to be sharing with them. People who find themselves opening up in uncomfortable or unsafe spaces are often oversharing. You know, I'm an oversharer, both here and elsewhere. And what I have noticed, Lauren, and this is just me being super honest, is that it usually comes from a really strong desire to be heard and understood.

And the fact is people closest to us often know us so well that we don't get that constant validation of like, you're okay, or I'm sorry you're going through that. And a lot of it's because, like, you don't want to tell your friends crummy things all the time every day

if you're in a really hard situation, but you still want to be heard and held. And of course, I have friends who will listen and I have a therapist. But oftentimes, that's why oversharing happens. It's speaking to a really specific need to be heard and held. In terms of preventing yourself from doing it,

you know, you're the only one in charge of when your lips open and when the words come out of them. But, you know, I think a lot of times, if we're invited to share a little bit, we also get to say, and you can learn different phrases that help, like, I'm not able to talk more about that, but thanks for your interest. Or I appreciate you asking, but that's not something I'm ready to talk about. That kind of boundary setting is good for the other person, but it's also good for you.

If you find yourself consistently oversharing, if people feel, if you're aware that people feel uncomfortable with how you're sharing, you may want to get the help of a professional to see where those needs are coming from and how you can have them met in safer ways for you and for other people. All right, Sarah, let's get to your question. Do you have any recommendations or resources on how to naturally balance women's hormones after being on the pill for a long period of time? You know, there are a lot of resources. That's a hard one. You know, I don't have any particular resources. many great resources out there. But I do want to say that there are ways to balance your hormones, your potentially irregular patterns, meaning menstrual patterns. And there are ways to also balance

your moods without the use of the pill. The pill is often prescribed, and there are many incredible things about the pill. The pill has been a revolution for women's health. I am a big supporter of the pill. I love the pill. The pill is great. But the pill is hormones. And those hormones do things to your body. And for many women, that is not pleasant. And getting off that pill can feel really shocking because for those of us who were put on the pill, as teenagers, we never really had a lot of experience with our moods. And, you know, I was told from a very early age that there's something wrong with what your body's doing

and we need to fix it. And so the adjustment to balancing your hormones without the pill is exactly that. It's finding that balance. There are absolutely foods that are better, foods that are worse. There are herbs. many people use, you know, all sorts of naturopathic things. And there are many resources out there. And in addition,

having patience is important because for as long as you were on the pill, it will take some time for your body and your mind to adjust to doing things differently. Beth wants me to please break down premenstrual dysporic disorder. Oh. Yeah. So this is known as PMDD. It is not PMS. And for all you mean, junior high boys used to be like, are you PMSing? I don't like those boys. I mean, they're fine now, but I didn't like those boys then. It's a much more severe and problematic form of PMS or premenstrual syndrome. It is severe. It is chronic. It needs attention and treatment. There are extreme, you know, much more extreme mood shifts and problems. often things like suicidal depression, you know, extreme agitation, a feeling of aggression

will come up. And, you know, kind of all the things that you think about that people talk about with PMS, like fluid retention, those things become an even more significant problem. Some women do have extreme gastrointestinal problems. You know, it is normal to have some stomach upset and changes with the hormones that occur before your period, but this would be, again, much more severe. So, you know, a lot of women just think, like, oh, I have PMS, it's really bad. And in many cases, that is it. And those hormones are significant. But PMDD is absolutely something more significant and severe that typically does need a nurse practitioner, you know, a midwife who provides well-woman care or a gynecologist to help you with.

Katie asks, how do I cope with having to send my children out into the world as adults without latching on to them? Oh, Katie, Katie, you got to do it. You're going to cope and you're not going to make it their problem. I'm kidding, Katie, but really we can't make it their problem. I don't know how old your children are. I'm assuming nearing more of the adult age. Mine are 14 and 17, and girlfriend, I am in it. So there's kind of a couple parts to your question. you know, there's the, really, how do we send children out into the world without latching on to them? And then how do I cope? So I feel like you're asking two different questions. It's extremely important for children to know that we believe in them and that we have confidence in them and that hopefully we have given them the confidence to go out into the world, no matter how far or near they stay. There's a maturation and an individuation that they have to make. And that's true, whether they go to college or, you know, you.

even if they're still living in your home, there's a sense of them being autonomous beings. It's incredibly important. And latching onto them is often something we do because we're not ready to let go. Sometimes it can mean there's not enough going on in our lives. Sometimes it can mean that the relationship that we're in is not fulfilling and we fear what it will be like when we don't have the children to distract us. I don't know anything about that. I'm just guessing. And another thing that latching on to children does is it gives the message to them that they need

to be latched on to. So latching on to children, it says something about us as parents, but it also communicates something that we don't want to communicate to our children, which is that you need to be held on to. So in terms of how you cope with that, there are obviously support groups and all sorts of things, but, you know, the real truth is that when you get busy, you get better. And this is the time to lean into things like, you know, I took up Taekwondo kind of after I got divorced, which obviously that wasn't sending my children out into the world, but I had a lot more time to myself because I

didn't have my kids. And so I wanted to take on something that was physically challenging and that made me feel like I had competence physically after feeling like I was just like someone's mom and like carrying them and nursing them for a million years. So you may want to look into taking up a hobby. I know that sounds nuts, or maybe it doesn't sound nuts. I know that might sound silly, but it's important for grownups to have hobbies. You know, a lot of people like a book club. Many public libraries have public services like that. I would encourage you not to spend like more time on your phone than you probably already do, meaning like it's not a coping mechanism to kind of keep yourself in that kind of cycle.

It's important to get out. Be in nature if you can. There are hiking groups, things like that. You need to have hobbies. That is part of how we cope. And also making sure that we have a reasonable amount of contact with our children when they do go out into the world as adults. You know, I'm used to seeing my son most days of the week. And I know that when he goes out into the world, that's not going to be the case.

And, you know, finding a level of communication and a way of communicating with your kids that lets them know that they are okay without you and you are okay without them is really important for their continuing development. They're going to be parents one day, too, so we want to also model for them what it looks like to be healthy. Sarah, what are some ways to better navigate a relationship with a parent when they refuse to acknowledge abuse you've suffered as a child? Sarah, that's a really hard question. This is likely a question for someone who knows you very well, meaning it's a very personal question that often is something we talk about with a therapist. You know, one of the things that I have learned is that you can't make people feel what you feel.

And you can't make people believe what you believe. Learning what acceptance means would probably be a good thing for you to look into because acceptance means accepting a situation exactly how it is and not trying to change it. if you do not want to engage with a parent who inflicted abuse on you, that's completely reasonable. If you're choosing to interact with a parent who inflicted abuse on you and they don't acknowledge it, the choice is really yours as to whether you're able to continue to have a relationship with them, knowing that you know what's true, but they don't have to agree, or you may choose to not have a relationship.

You also may choose to have a relationship and at some point you might say, I changed my mind. This isn't working for me. But it's very painful to have others not acknowledge things that you believe that they did to you. And mostly, I don't want to say avoid it, but you likely cannot change another person's sense of reality. You are welcome, and I think in general, we as humans are welcome to say to someone, there are things that I experienced that I would like to talk to you about. Is that something you're open to? And if the answer is no, then you get to decide if that feels healthy for you to continue. But I want to just remind you that what happened to you is real, and you don't need someone else's validation, even though that's painful and even though that can feel really traumatic, if it feels retramatizing, it's not healthy for you to be there, is my guess. But there is a way to say, I'm in acceptance that this person has a different view of reality, and it doesn't change my reality.

Jen says, do you have any advice or reading recommendations for someone converting to Judaism? Well, that's an interesting question. I actually do have a recommendation, and you can include the link below. There's an author whose name is Anita Diamond, and you may have heard of her because she wrote the Red Tent, which is a really awesome historical novel about the women of the Old Testament. There's a really, really kind of well-received, really awesome book. But Anita Diamond actually has written a variety of books regarding different aspects of mixed families. And she has a book called Choosing a Jewish Life.

And it's a handbook for people converting to Judaism and for their family and friends. And Anita Diamond is just an incredible writer, a very loving writer. There are so many books out there about conversion. But I do highly recommend Anita Diamonds choosing a Jewish life. And good luck on your journey. Final question is a fun one. Kimberly wants to know, what's the Yiddish word for the matzaballs that float? I understand the name of the ones that sink are Alka's.

Well, Kimberly, I have to say, it took me a second to think about this. Here are the weird associations that I made with your question, and I hope this helps answer it. So, matzaballs should float. It's like a thing. That's like the fun of them is that they float. A lot of people use like the secret. Gonna reveal the secret to matzaballs. The secret is using like seltzer. I think Gentiles call it sparkling water. We call it seltzer. So I'm wondering if the one, if the word alka's is like from alka-seltzer, because you know how Alka-seltzer falls to the bottom and then it fizzes? is my only guess. I think that that might be where that's from. The Yiddish word for matzaballs that float should just be matzaballs. Mata balls. I really enjoyed this set of questions. I hope you enjoyed my responses. Again, I'm a doctor, but not that kind of doctor. I'm not

your doctor necessarily, but I'm happy to answer these questions, and we hope that you will send in more. You can do that at Bialik Breakdown on Instagram, and we'll have to get Jonathan in here for one of these Ask Miami anythings because it's fun when Jonathan answers things to. But from my breakdown to the one I hope you never have, I'll see you next time. It's My and Beallix Breakdown. She's going to break it down for you. She's got a neuroscience PhD or two. One fiction. And now she's going to