Mayim Bialik's Breakdown - Ask Mayim Anything #7: You Might Be in a Toxic Relationship! Plus Election Madness, Understanding Hoarding, Dating with Autism, and Menopause & Mental Health

Episode Date: September 12, 2024

Warning Signs You Might Be in a Toxic Relationship   Tips for Helping a Loved One with Hoarding Tendencies   What are Dating Tips for those on the Autism Spectrum looking for TRUE LOVE? How does Menopause & Perimenopause impact Mental Health? What are some coping strategies for making it through the stressful upcoming U.S. election?   Mayim answers these questions and MORE on another episode of Ask Mayim Anything!   PLUS, stay tuned to hear Mayim's DATING TIPS for those on the Autism Spectrum looking for TRUE LOVE....   MAYIM BREAKS DOWN: - Dating Tips for those on the Autism Spectrum from the lens of TBBT's "Sheldon Cooper" & "Amy Farrah Fowler"! - The 3 Types of "Unsafe" People - Tips on Combating Re-entering the Dating Pool - Red Flags Single Parents should look out for when Dating Someone New - "Multiple Intelligence Theory" & which Careers are Best Suited for each Intelligence Type - Why she Relates more to the Character of "Sheldon" than "Amy"   She tackles your questions about toxic relationships, from the true definition of love bombing and common phrases abusers use, to ways social media can heighten an already problematic relationship.   Mayim also reflects on how our brains are primed to be addicted to the news cycle, coping strategies to make it through big & complicated world events, signs you might be experiencing election stress, and how to talk with loved ones about the Middle East crisis.   TUNE IN to see if your question was answered this episode!!!   For Resources on Leaving a Domestic Violence Situation, head to: TheHotline.org VeryWellMind’s "What Kind of Intelligence Do You Have?" Quiz: https://www.verywellmind.com/what-kind-of-intelligence-do-you-have-3867398 BialikBreakdown.com YouTube.com/mayimbialik Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

When I was brought on the Big Bang theory, a lot of people felt like Sheldon Cooper should be asexual. He shouldn't date, like, this shouldn't happen. My character got a lot of hate for it, and I guess me by extension. But what we tried to show is that there is someone for everyone. Amy at first was written a lot more socially awkward, but over the years we showed that she wanted to be like Penny and Bernadette, and so we had that character kind of expand.

Whereas Sheldon, I think, in a lot of ways, kind of remained the same. He had a lot of quirks. There were a lot of things he was interested in. interested in that Amy was not, trains, comic books. That's a really good example of a relationship that showed people really growing together so that the other person could be exactly who they wanted to. One of my absolute favorite episodes of the Big Bang Theory was an episode where Sheldon reveals that he has a storage unit of his entire life.

And it has some horder vibes, but it's very organized and it's very labeled. And it was a really, really sweet episode because he was letting her into that aspect. of his world, which I think is also a really important component of dating on the spectrum. And especially if you're a person on the spectrum who's dating someone who's not, you want to feel a level of comfort, but it may take years, as it did with Sheldon and Amy, to reveal all those things. If you're on the autism spectrum, you're perfect exactly the way you are. And it may be a little bit more challenging to sort of find that match, but it absolutely is possible.

It's my and be our legs break down. She's going to break it down for you Because you know she knows a thing or two And now she's going to break down Hey, I just found out something astounding. Approximately 63% of those of you listening to or watching Myambialy's Breakdown are not subscribed. We know you're listening and we know you're watching

because of all of the awesome comments you leave telling us how Maya Biobelix Breakdown is helping you lead a happier and healthier life. We love that. But the best way to support our show is to subscribe. It's also the only way to get latest updates. and to know when new episodes drops. So anywhere that you listen to podcasts and on YouTube,

please subscribe, hit the bell icon so that you know when a new episode drops. Thank you so much, and on to the episode. Hi, I'm Myam Bealeck. And I'm Jonathan Cohen. And welcome to our breakdown. This is the place where we break things down, so you don't have to.

It's just me and Jonathan today because we're going to... Ask MyManything. Ask my name anything. We've collected your questions. And we have a great... selection for you today, a variety of topics. We're going to dive deep into really an anything goes kind of day.

We're going to start with warning signs you might be in a toxic, manipulative relationship, which is based on a list that a former playboy, playmate, and girlfriend of Hugh Hefner, Holly Madison started on our full episode with her. So she kind of started that conversation, but we pick it up. signs you're in a toxic romantic relationship, how social media can heighten that, and common phrases used by abusers to look out for. Then we're going to go into some coping strategies to make it through election season, big and complicated world events, stressful news cycle. We kind of group those questions together because they all have a very similar pattern of what they do to us and how we can

change our reactions to those things. We then get into tips for helping and supporting someone who is a hoarder or has hoarding tendencies. And it wouldn't be an Ask Miami anything without a question about perimenopause or menopause. So we tackle how those impact the brain and mental health. And I do what I think is kind of a hilarious explanation of the transition, but maybe only I think so. We will then talk about combating anxiety and fear about re-entering the dating pool, if you've been out of it for a while, with a special little sprinkle of what about.

if you're a single parent and your kids are your first priority, but you also want to date. Then we have a very special Ask Miami Anything that looks at dating while on the autism spectrum, and we actually start to explore the Ma'am and Jim Parsons dynamic from the Big Bang Theory. We explore their characters, the similarities that Maim felt with those characters, and what their relationship needed to be successful. It was an unexpected turn of events that you should definitely stick around for. I did not expect to talk about the Big Bang Theory

in the level of detail that we did on this episode. And what's funny is when I saw that question about dating tips for those with autism, it didn't even occur to me that I have experience as an actor, like literally being part of a relationship of, you know, two people at different places of the spectrum. So that was very unexpected and exciting.

And finally, we talked about, Talk about multiple intelligence theory. If you're a person that thought, like, I'm just not smart, or if you grew up in a school system like I did, where it was kind of like kids either got A's or, oh, well, sucks to be you. We're going to talk about a multiple intelligence theory that really has room for every kind of intelligence there is. And I think it's a really, really uplifting place for us to go in our Ask Miami many things.

So without further ado, let's get into it. Break it down. We've got a lot of great things to cover. Where should we get started? Well, let's start in relationships after our episode with Holly Madison, which if you haven't checked out, check it out. We received a handful of additional questions

around how to know if you are in a toxic relationship. Super important. A few people reached out to describe features of their own relationships, so we thought we would list a few more signs that you may be in a talk. toxic relationship, or there may be manipulation happening in your relationship. These are the signs to watch out for. Well, before we even get into that, I mean, don't all relationships have

some component of manipulation, meaning you want to get someone to like you or to feel a certain way? I want to kind of say that there's like a lowercase M manipulation involved in relationships. However, Holly Madison was speaking from a very specific perspective. She was a playboy, I don't know, chief, Hugh Hefner's primary girlfriend and lived in a very complicated and very, as she described, it very gossip-filled and kind of competitive environment when she lived for many years at the Playboy Mansion. And what she talked about was beginning the relationship hopeful. as many of us start out relationships.

But one of the things she talked about, especially in retrospect, is ramped up pacing to the relationship is often somewhat of a warning sign. I just want to address your first comment, which is do all relationships not have some form of manipulation? And the image that comes to mind is that all relationships aren't two people eating ice creams

catching eyes across the counter and then slowly falling in love and all of their hopes, dreams, and needs automatically align and everything works out perfectly? That isn't how relationships work? It's spoken like a true screenwriter. So it's true. Relationships are about negotiation. And actually, Hollywood's other trope, which they sell to us all the time, is that one person is more interested than the other and you have to pursue this person and convince them or have them realize that you were the perfect person all along that they didn't ever realize.

So the pace at which that happens is extremely important because, as you were saying, an increased pace or hurried pace can feel good, can feel exciting. You don't know what's going to happen next. And one of the tactics people use is called love bombing. Tell us about it. Yeah, love bombing as, Holly described it, and as we sort of described it, is this, you know, kind of excessive adoration

that is typically conditional. It often involves, you know, gifts, attention, people like showing up when you wouldn't expect it. And I think this, along with ramped up pacing, are things that by themselves would feel really good. Like, oh, this person is always thinking of me. This person really wants to move things along because they feel so strongly about me. And I think with love bombing, with ramped up pacing, those are the kind of things

that it's really, really hard chemically to kind of slow your brain down and say to yourself, I need to take a 10,000 foot view of what's going on. There really, there should be no rush in a relationship. There really shouldn't be.

And that rush can involve moving in together, lifestyle changes, let's meet my parents, you know, those kind of things. But also love bombing is a way that shifts the pacing also because it infuses a notion of security and familiarity that is simply impossible to have that quickly in a relationship. And, you know, I like to remind people what we used to say in the old days, you know, until you've seen a full cycle of someone's life, the way that you know, that they deal with challenges, with their family, with holidays, with homework, with work. Until you've seen kind of a full cycle of that, you actually don't really know how this person

functions. And sure, there are those cases of like, we met on our second date and we've been together 80 years. I would say it's unusual to have it done that way. They don't tell you that in those 80 years, they went through a lot of cycles and discovered things they didn't know about the other person. Had they known earlier, maybe that would have changed their opinion. But in all seriousness, it's true. You don't really know how someone's going to deal with adversity until they have adversity. You don't know how they're going to deal with loss or grief. And yes, there's an unknown that you're taking a leap of faith when merging lives with someone and stuff is going to come up that you could never know, no matter how much time.

Right. So in support of being wary of people who ramp up the pacing, people who love bomb, Also, Holly talked about this. A notion of financial control or decision making really doesn't have a place in an early relationship or during courtship like that. Someone suggesting you quit your job or that they will take care of you or she got into a situation where she was essentially living

in the Playboy Mansion because she did not have another way to survive. That's a kind of control that, again, can seem loving. on the surface. Like, they want to take care of me and those kind of old-fashioned notions. Sometimes, you know, get in our brain. But those are things to definitely be wary about. What about excessive compliments? What do you think about that? Well, I never believe any compliment that someone pays me. So if they're coming at me in an

excessive fashion, I know something's up. The thing about excessive compliments, which can be a part of love bombing, but can also exist separate. you know, those kind of compliments can be a manipulation, even if the person means them. And that's a hard thing because you kind of feel like, well, I'd be able to spot if someone was being phony. But it could be that someone's, you know, kind of way that they were conditioned is to, you know,

essentially win someone over with excessive flattery. And the fact is with all these things, like we just want to keep it right-sized, right? This all needs to be kept kind of right-sized, not too much, not too little. The Goldilocks of relationships while also maintaining the opportunity to have spontaneous moments of affection

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One of the warning signs about toxic relationships, I'm looking at this list that Valerie compiled for us, you know, not liking you spending time with your friends, wanting to spend time with you, right? That on the surface could be like, well, of course they want to spend time with me, and I want to be with them. And there is a certain amount of like,

your head kind of gets in the clouds when you're in the early stages of courtship. But, you know, if you haven't seen enough episodes of insert television show here, I don't know, sex in the city, Gilmore Girls. Like, I don't know. I'm thinking of shows that, women reference that talk about relationships and things. It never goes well if you neglect your

friends in place of being able to balance your current social life with bringing a new person into your relationship. It never ends well. There's never a story of like, I gave up all my friends and all I needed was him. That never happens, people. People start losing their sounding board and their objectivity. They start having a much harder time identifying the red flag because they become insulated and they don't have anyone to say, actually, yeah, wait a second, that amount of the time you're spending with that person or the new behavior that's happening. Of course, everyone's under the spell of love in the early phase of the relationship. But how do you maintain a tether to reality so that you can spot the three different types of unsafe people, for example? What are the three different

types of unsafe people, Jonathan. You have the abandoner, the critics, and the people who are irresponsible. That could all be just one person, not saying that I've ever had experience with that one person. What if three unsafe people are just one person that you dated? A new version of the triple threat. It's not singing, dancing, and acting anymore.

I also wonder, Jonathan, do you think that with cell phones and, you know, kind of that sort of communication available, do you think it's easier to be in a toxic relationship or harder? Or easier to spot a toxic relationship or harder? I think it's much easier to be in one and to be fooled by someone. I was just listening to this podcast all about how this woman was dating someone for like multiple years and then found out that almost everything about him had been a complete and utter lie. And then she went on a Facebook group and started posting.

And then all these other women in her area also had relationships with him during, you know, an overlapping period. And they all started exchanging notes. And basically he had just this chronic manipulative quality where he would just tell different versions of the story. And his wife, he claimed had died. Some times he claimed she had died. in a car accident. Sometimes he claimed she had died by suicide and she was addicted to drugs. None of it turned out to be true. His wife ended up actually being alive.

Chronic manipulation. And the reason why I think I'm bringing this up is because text exchanges, building a false reality, getting, and most people are not that extreme. Obviously, it's much smaller versions of that. That, however, exemplifies that through, digital technology. You can build a sense of someone texting with them, starting to develop feelings, imagining what they're like, and someone can start to get to know you, and you can start to share details. And if they're perceptive, they can share back those details that you're sharing through text, and you don't have the initial sense of your gut to read them in person and get a sense of, are they safe, are they not? Do I want to disclose this information? Actually, sharing over text can sometimes

both be easier, but also lead to a false connection. I think that's a great point, Jonathan. And the other reason that I think it's easier to be in a potentially toxic relationship with communication being the way that it is, is that we are living in an age of instant communication. So it is so easy to kind of become enmeshed in even a threat of conversation. So one of the things that I try to remind myself is just because a text, comes in, that doesn't mean I need to read it. It doesn't mean I need to respond just because it came in. And the notion of being constantly available, constantly responding, for me, if that were happening

with a new potential love interest, it would feel more real than it is because they're right there. Look, they're responding right away. And even though your logical brain should be like, well, that's because that's the culture of texting, I absolutely not saying I'm the healthiest person, but maybe other people can relate, I instantly would be like, but he didn't have to respond, but he did. So then you start making something up. What you don't know. Oh, I make things up all the time. And I think it's so much easier to make it up in that scenario. Whereas if you're spending quality time with someone over the course of an entire afternoon, you can tell if they're in communication with someone else in between texting you. They can have multiple text threads going

on that you don't know about. They could be sending that same cat meme to three different people, each one of them thinking that that's the perfect cat meme that only represents how much they love cats. Also, in the 1700s, when I last dated, people had to make time to talk on the phone or meet in person. It was a very different level of commitment. Did you take your horse to that meeting?

I did. Bep-pity-up. And if someone wanted to actually get to know you, it was a much different commitment. It wasn't just about like sending cute pictures or sending things that are at their fingertips. It was about making time. I sound 90 years old.

You don't sound 90 years old because I know people, younger people, who are on the apps, who are meeting people digitally, and they have their routine. What's their routine? Well, some apps don't let you copy and paste from other communication because they know that you're just resending things to people. That's so gross. That's gross.

I heard an advertisement for something, I don't know, a few months ago, and it was an internet ad. And what really struck me is that they're trying through the design of the interface to prevent the gamification of dating and to try to make it more personal. But inherently, the technology makes it less personal. It makes it a numbers game. The more people that you can send that meme to, or if that opening line worked on her,

how great is it going to be on someone else? The opening line that I once got when I was on a dating app a million years ago, only three words. You'd think that this person could just type it everywhere. I'd hit that. And I thought, that's a very strange opening line. I'm not going to respond.

But I'm sure that person would have loved the ability to just like, control C, control V, that shit. I mean, that isn't the most personal of initial exchanges. But if people are curious, they want to keep themselves safe, besides going back to the 1700s, besides not communicating with people on the internet, what are the things they need to watch out for? Okay, so here are some general signs that I think we can offer people. If when you think about the future, you feel a little queasy, Listen to your gut.

That's your gut talking. That's what it was put there for. If you're having trouble eliciting serious emotions or conversations with your significant other, this is from psychology today, which I always appreciate their insight. You know, if you find that

the excitement of the relationship has turned into a lack of ability to kind of like have any depth, that's a potentially problematic. If you feel that the outcome of the relationship really depends on you and like you have to keep it going and you have to keep driving the engine of it.

Also a warning sign. Have you ever met someone's friends or family or gotten a message regarding them saying like, this is trouble? Listen to that people. This is like, you know, that story about the guy who's drowning and like a boat comes by and he's like, I'm waiting for God.

And then they send a helicopter and he's like, I'm waiting for God. And then he drowns and he goes to heaven. And he's like, God, why didn't you save me? And he's like, I sent you the boat in the helicopter. What else were you expecting? That's what people telling you there's trouble ahead is for.

That's like clear as day. And finally, if you have circular arguments that kind of don't resolve, also a very problematic sign. Jonathan, don't look at me like that. We have many arguments that never resolve, but we're just going to keep going. I want to give a shout out to the hotline.org, which has helpful resources on leaving a domestic violence situation.

do not mean to make light, obviously, of any serious threats. Anyone feels in a relationship. So check out the hotline.org. They have assistance providers, ways to create a safety plan, get legal help. They also have help specifically for those with disabilities. So if you do feel you're in a toxic or manipulative relationship or feel scared to leave, please get help. And the hotline. org is a great place to start. Jonathan, before we leave this topic, we have Domesticshelters.org has a list of how abusers speak. And a lot of these are very, very scary and very disturbing. And as we said, there are resources.

But I just want to let you know that while I don't believe that abuse, I've been in relationship with abusers who have said these things to me, I also want to point out that sometimes when people are arguing and when people are upset, sometimes you will hear these things that doesn't mean that the person is an abuser. It doesn't mean that the relationship is doomed. Although the things that I have heard from this list are from relationships that I'm no longer in. They can be signs. They can be signs of things that may head in a certain direction that people need to keep their ear out for.

I'd like to highlight a few. Why did you make me do that? This is a really powerful one. When someone implies that you have made them angry, you have made them aggressive, you have made them do something because of something you did, even if you have a part in it, it's not a good dynamic when someone is pointing out that you have made them feel a certain way

or do a certain thing that is harmful. What if they say, you don't love me as much as I love you? That's also, it's a very problematic place for you to be placed because you cannot win. And with a lot of the,

with a lot of these examples of how abusers speak, you cannot win. Because what do you? you, what do you want to, how do you prove to someone, right? That you love them as much as they love you. Also similar with, if you loved me, you would do this, pay for this, act like this. Yeah, very, very kind of, you know, it's this fine line that can be really hard, which is why you don't want to, you know, cut off interaction with your friends or the people who know you best so

that you can be able to sort of reason some of these out. What about no one will ever understand you like I do. Sounds so romantic. If said in the right tone, if said in the right tone, right tone, right? If someone says, I understand you so deeply, no one is going to love you like I do. No one's going to understand you like I do. Well, the first part sounded great. And then the second part sounded like a threat that my life will be over if you ever leave it. And also, you shouldn't leave because you'll never never find nobody better than me, to quote Kanye from Heartless. You're always creating drama, making a big deal out of nothing, starting a fight trying to get the last word in. I've never heard that. I barely understand what those words mean when you string

them together. It's so foreign to me. I mean, you always end the episodes. Also, being told you're oversensitive, that's a real red flag. That is a red flag. That is very difficult language because it's a problem creator. It's not a way to kind of have closure about any particular issue. Here's one more that seems very innocent but could go off the rails, the phrase, I was only trying to help. Oh. Now on the surface, that can be a nice statement to say, oh, I'm so sorry. I was only trying to help. I didn't mean to whatever it was. It can also. It can also, be weaponized as, I was only trying to help. What's the problem? To defend against any feeling that may have arisen from behavior that came across not as intended or was controlling. And so that's a

dangerous one. A lot of these are how are they delivered? Well, and I think also the intention behind trying to sort of fence you in is really what the warning signs are about with these. I was only trying to help, you're oversensitive, you know, you made me feel this way, you made me do this. Those are all really, really dangerous patterns that increasingly isolate you, you know, from kind of your own needs and also from a larger world. Jonathan, let's take the next question. What are some of the coping strategies to make it through election season, especially as someone recovering from addiction from Suzanne?

I really like that Suzanne mentioned addiction in this question because the strategies that we're going to talk about, of course, they're going to apply to election season, but they actually apply to any interesting time in the news where social media in particular exists. But the reason that Suzanne is asking about addiction, I think, is that we know that the structure of social media, especially of internet news, even of cable news channels, and there's a lot of really interesting studies around this, they're really designed for that dopamine hit of information. And they're designed in such a way that it's really activating, like, literally the neurological structures in your brain that make you want more, that make you want, like, things that are different enough so that it feels

novel, but really the same kind of information. And we can see this, and this is sort of the fascinating algorithms, you know, that different platforms use and utilize. So I think that it's important to mention that once we have an addictive sort of template, we are more susceptible to information, the way that it's being delivered, and the kind of information that's being delivered. And, you know, if it bleeds, it leads as kind of the old, you know, the old kind of saying about news, to an addictive brain when things are sexy, when they're salacious, when there's danger involved, that literally is priming your brain to want more, seek more, and it's going to have a different impact. However, we're all

kind of on this spectrum of addicts to our phones, to social media, to the ways that we're being kind of given information. So the kind of signs, you know, that you might be experiencing stress specifically around, you know, a big event, a big national event like the election, is are you feeling more keyed up? Are you feeling more keyed up? Are you feeling? more anxious. I actually found myself back when I was on my phone a lot more, I would bite my nails while reading the news. Like that was the activity. It was like I was pairing anxiety with anxiety. It was very, very strange. So if you see that you are feeling more drawn to your phone than usual, if you feel like you can't put it down, if you find yourself sort of like scrolling for new

information, even though there's nothing in particular that's new, those are signs that it may be time to reassess how you're kind of handling what's coming into you from the sources that you're seeking. So here's what I've had to sort of reframe regarding this election season. And, you know, phones were obviously a thing for the last several election cycles and former President Trump in particular drew a lot of attention around his use of these platforms. and it was really the way that everybody was, you know, getting to hear what he was thinking at all times of day. And that's when I first sort of started thinking about politics and social media was really President Trump's, you know, kind of use of it. Here's what I've had to give myself a reframe about.

Most of what's happening in this election will not change because of what I find on the internet. And most of it, most of how I feel is also not going to change based on what I'm looking at and based on what I'm scrolling. My beliefs have a lot more to do with understanding why I want to vote, how I want to vote. What are some of the deeper, more significant issues that are actually facing people in this country? Besides all of this kind of like pomp and circumstance and drama, frankly. So when I think about what I believe, for example, you know, as a bleeding heart liberal, as someone who has always voted for, you know, the Democratic Party, but I do lean very green. in many realms.

You know, I think about, you know, what's the economy of our country like? How are underserved populations going to have more opportunities? How are we going to protect the rights of women's bodies to do what they want with their own bodies and not have someone else decide that for them? What kind of president is going to appoint Supreme Court justices and what's the cabinet It could like all of these things, and I could go on, all of these things really have nothing to do with who said what on any given day. And if I want to watch the debate, there are places to watch the debate.

And there are a lot of funny memes, I'll be honest, that come out, you know, after anything that either of our candidates does. But if I'm finding that I'm not able to concentrate, I'm feeling like I need it like a drug, that's when I just have to, I have to reassess how much. much time I'm spending with this cycle. And as with most things, engaging with other people is literally not going to change anything. It's just going to make you more frustrated. And the only person in charge of how frustrated you are, how anxious you are, how much it disrupts your sleep, the only person in charge of that is you. Like, it takes two people to have a fight about any

of this. You don't have to engage. Well said. Very well said. And also with statistics, like this, the American Psychiatric Association did a poll. In their poll, 73% of surveyed adults said that they feel particularly anxious about the 2024 U.S. election. I would think it has to be higher, and especially with the attempted assassination of former President Trump, everything just feels like it got ratcheted up so much. But I really, really hope that people will, again, Remember, what's important to you and what you need to decide when you vote is likely not going to come from conversations with people or kind of scrolling through information about the election. Our next question, slightly paraphrased, is, what are some of the ways to cope with the emotions related to the Middle East crisis, like seeing online vitriol from friends and strangers and confronting the validity of what's going on, specifically for someone with intergenerational trauma and, you know, even personal struggles from David.

And then a second question related from Emily is, how can I find my voice and get better at discussing the complex situation in Israel with my friends and loved ones? These are both great questions, which I'm going to sort of pull back. I don't necessarily know if it's about the Middle East in particular. I don't know if it's about Israel and what's going on in Gaza. I mean, it is and it's not. In terms of this question, though, the reason that I'm kind of pulling back is

there's a lot in common with what we just talked about in terms of anxiety regarding the 2024 U.S. elections. In that, we're the only ones who get to choose what we engage with. No one else is choosing for us. And most opinions are not going to be changed by us fighting with people on any of these platforms. So I think a lot of people feel like when the issue is something that they're deeply passionate about, which could be the Middle East, it could be the U.S. elections, it could be which political party,

you know, you want to vote for. I think people have a false sense of importance when it comes to how much they need to invest in trying to convince other people that they're correct. And this is really painful. And this is something that has existed for all of human history. But what is different is we now have this literal virtual, virtual, theater where we can play all of this out. And I don't mean to sound like a fuddy-duddy, but I don't know how helpful it is. I think there are certain things about these kinds of interactions that can be helpful. And I also don't want to sound like a Pollyanna, but the thing that makes me feel good is when I find like-minded people, because sometimes that's all that feels like it makes

sense to me. It's not the place for me to fight with strangers on these platforms and on on the internet, even as a public person. That's not my role. And the fact is, you're the only one who gets to decide what feels good in your nervous system. And if I'm talking with people and I get a rash on my throat, and that heat starts climbing up and like it starts spreading and my heart is beating and I start sweat.

That's your body telling you stop. Stop interacting. It's not healthy. And if you're a person who's in a place of like, impacting public policy, great. Go ahead and deal with that. Like if that's your job, amazing, but for most of us, we're just trying to make sense of a really, really crazy world right now. And for those of us with family in the Middle East, it's incredibly tragic. It's incredibly scary. But again, I don't know how much that is going to change by me engaging with what's

happening online. And if you find that you are increasingly sensitive to what you're seeing, that's your nervous system saying it's too much. I mean, just, Jonathan, when we started this podcast, it was in the midst of COVID and isolation. People were, you know, being told to quarantine. And some people were experiencing anxiety about that for the first time in their life. Like, why do I feel trapped in? And for those of us who get that way when we see online vitriol about the Middle East, like, yeah, welcome to the anxiety club.

Also, well said, we have to follow our body's cues and our body will tell us often what we can handle and what we can't. And it has been shown that it's very hard. to change people's opinion, often listening, asking questions, being curious, has more impact, and then we can suss out to see, is there an opening to share what we're feeling as well? Moving on, our next question from Summer, what is the best way to help and support a hoarder? I wish I could talk to Summer because there's a lot of kind of follow-up questions that I would want to ask, but I think we'll kind of keep it general, and hopefully this will be helpful to people.

So first let's define hoarding. So hoarding is an ongoing, this is a quote, this is from the DSM, difficulty discarding or parting with possessions regardless of their actual value. So hoarding is a spectrum, as most things are. And when you think about sort of the TV shows that have really kind of capitalized on showing us the inside of hoarders' homes and things like that, you know, you think of these very, very extreme cases of like you can't even enter a room because there's so much stuff. And that is definitely hoarding. But, you know, on that spectrum is also

difficulty with certain categories of things. This is actually something I think we talked about regarding COVID. A lot of people started stockpiling in a way that seemed like it was on the spectrum of sort of OCD stuff. And I'm not here to say that everyone who stockpiled toilet paper has OCD or is a hoarder. But I do want to point out that hoarding is one of the features that we see in obsessive compulsive disorder. And so if anyone was noticing that they already knew they had obsessive and compulsive features and during COVID got a little bit extra itchy about stockpiling, I would not be surprised. In terms of helping and supporting a hoarder, you know, what's important to realize is that

for people who are true hoarders, meaning people who are clinically, diagnostically on the hoarding spectrum, telling them to get rid of things doesn't help. And it actually doesn't work because this is a, you know, it's a, it's a, it's a psychiatric and psychological condition. We know that there are certain medications that can help with hoarding and with having access to talking about hoarding. So that shows us that there's stuff going on, you know, in the brain and the process of cognitive behavioral therapy, which is used to help. people understand what safety they get, what purpose they might get, what fear they are holding off because of their hoarding. That's just a strong indication that teasing, mocking, begging,

bribing, those things don't work. They may work in the short term, but in terms of actually supporting someone who's a hoarder, empathy is extremely important. Baby steps, our steps, and learning about hoarding disorder and understanding it as not just a quirk, not just a preference, but an actual condition that people do seek professional help for is also very important in terms of helping and supporting a hoarder.

It's important to not think that you're being helpful by cleaning things up when they're not there. Throwing things out as a secret can be really, really upsetting and disturbing and destabilizing. Also can really disrupt your relationship. Nothing's going to, going to happen overnight. Nothing's going to happen overnight. Horting is a very, very specific

and very complicated condition and set of preferences. So it's important not to expect it to change quickly, not to expect perfection. And, you know, talking to people about it as a disorder instead of just a personality flaw is also a really good place, you know, to kind of start. Interestingly, anti-depressants tend to work. SSRIs, that's selective serotonin re-uptake inhibitors, do tend to, quote, work in trying to pierce through some of hoarding, but that's not to say that hoarders are depressed. They may be depressed, but that's not what's causing the hoarding. So important to really distinguish that. Let's go to menopause. Let's not say we did. What happens to our brains physically and to our mental health when perimenopause slash menopause

hits from Kristen. Nothing good, Kristen. Nothing good. All right, moving on. No, I'm sorry. I can speak to this a little bit more and also forever. So, I want to give a little bit of cultural framework for this.

Just like there are cultures where babies don't experience colic. There are cultures where menopause is not the kind of thing that it is, like, in the West. Where are those places? I don't know, but I wish I lived there. I wish I lived there, even just in a pretend mind trip.

So what I will say about certain cultures, and I do know a little bit about sort of what Eastern traditions kind of couch this transition to, they really call it the transition. The notion that there is a time in your life when you are fertile, and then there is a time in your life where you are not fertile is the transition that we're talking about. And by fertility, I mean there is a time in your life

when you produce eggs and those eggs can be fertilized by a daddy cell, as we call it. And you then can get pregnant, support a healthy pregnancy, one would hope, give birth, keep the child alive, and raise them until they are old enough to leave the nest, right? That's the sort of, for me, the sort of like fertility spectrum.

And then there comes a point where your body does not have enough hormones to keep producing an egg. And this process of perimenopause is about 10 years long on average. That should terrify every God-fearing man, woman, child and person of any identity. That's astounder. That's astounder. that there's a 10-year process. And in this time, you go from having reliable egg production to unreliable egg production to no egg production. In addition, this transition involves a stage of life where you have hormones that facilitate forming relationships that might involve someone fertilizing your egg to a in-between phase of my hormones do not feel friendly. But sometimes, they do, but sometimes they really don't, to a final destination of, there are no hormones

necessary to recruit a partner. We're in a whole other phase of life. And I should say, many women report that once this 10-year period is over, they feel themselves for the first time. They feel like they didn't know what life was like without the ups and downs that hormones do cause. Some women are profoundly impacted, profoundly impacted, profoundly impacted by just the monthly changes that our bodies go through. It's one of the reasons that birth control is prescribed. I was one of those teenage girls who wasn't even like at the stage where I needed birth control and it was prescribed to regulate moods and hormones because that's what a lot of doctors were told to do. So what's happening in this time is there's a variety of changes

to the hormones that literally operate on your brain. And one of the things that you will notice is shifts in cognitive ability. It's often the time when people start reporting brain fog and memory problems, difficulty, kind of finding words. You know, there's a really powerful statistic of people with dementia, like two-thirds are women. And they don't know if it's women's increased lifespan,

you know, and that that's what's accounting for that disproportionateness is it hormonal? Another thing that happens is, yeah, very strong mood changes, sleep disturbances that can be profoundly astounding. And sometimes women will experience suicidal ideation, levels of depression they had not previously experienced. And in addition, you know, there's really not a part of the brain that's not affected by perimenopause

and by menopause. You know, estrogen in particular is really, really important. Estradial is really, really important. So, you know, the hippocampus, which we know is responsible for memory processing, that's going to be impacted because there are estradial receptors and there are changes in the amount. There's changes in regulation of these hormones. We've talked about the default mode network, which is the posterior singulate.

It's kind of in the back of your head. That's working memory. it's task preparation, you know, all these things, sensory integration, which happens through the thalamus, the things that we know these parts of the brain do, they're just going to have a different experience, you know, as these hormone levels change. And learning and memory change, all of these things impact the mood. We know that. I don't want to say it's only a shitstorm in there. A lot of women experience a tremendous amount of freedom and artistic opening up when these shifts happen. Perimenopause is really, really challenging, though. It's really

challenging because your body's really trying to adjust. And I work with someone who does Chinese medicine, traditional Chinese medicine. And, you know, that philosophy really purports that this is an intensely important emotional transition that you go through, where you go from being a person who has your eggs to offer, your fertility, your children to offer. and you become someone who is not, quote, necessary to, you know, proliferate the species, but you now have wisdom, right? These are your wisdom years when you don't have to be trying to get a mate so that you can have a baby, if that's what, you know, some women do when they're in those years. You're at a different phase of life where your priorities have

significantly shifted. So I was kind of being a little bit facetious to say, like, nothing good happens. But, you know, we really, there's a tremendous amount of research, we'd love to do, I'd love to have a specialist on to kind of talk about this because it can be very, very upsetting. Also, for those of us who were raised in a time when we didn't talk about hormone replacement therapy, it wasn't an option, it was thought to cause cancer. All of that is being reversed and kind of turned on its head. And they're showing that cognition and muscle memory and bone strength and all of these things are significantly helped by hormone replacement therapy. It's a very personal decision. We don't have an opinion here. But I'd love to have a

specialist on to talk about this in more detail. Our next question, do you have any tips for putting anxiety and fear aside in order to reenter the dating pool, especially as a single parent who strives on putting their kids first from Leticia? This is a really interesting question, especially because I struggle to figure out how to put anxiety and fear aside

on the daily, meaning if you have anxiety and fear, it's something that you're constantly sort of negotiating. But let's talk specifically about reentering the dating pool. And then we can add on this piece of like, especially as a single parent who wants to put their kids first. So in terms of reentering the dating pool, what I think is fun to do is if you're reentering the dating pool

after being out for a while, think back, look back, maybe Google what life was like the last time you dated because I think it's important. to really put it in a frame of reference of like, what was it like then? What was popular? What TV shows was I watching? What music was I into? How was I interacting with people around things that were important to me culturally? I think it's important to sort of remind ourselves. I think, and this is a little bit from personal experience, I think it's important to talk to some younger people who are in the dating pool, not people your age who are in the dating pool,

younger people who are in the dating pool. And I would ask for kind of pointers. Like, what is it like? What should I look for? What are some pitfalls? Like, what are some dangerous things? How do I navigate? Like, just even learning to navigate the apps,

the emojis. They mean specific things. People don't just think people are putting them there for fun. They mean things. You're going to want to know. Find those things out from someone who's in the know. And the fact is,

and this is just me being a grandma, if you're that anxious and fearful, it might not be time, meaning there's a certain amount of suspension of disbelief you have to have if you're going to try and encounter this, especially as a grown-up person. If it feels too much, it might be something to look into with a therapist

or with a counselor. See if there's, you know, like fear of negative evaluation, fear of positive evaluation, fear of rejection, fear of rejecting others. See if there's, like, larger issues that you may want to tackle first. But let's add on this extra component. Jonathan, I'd like you to speak a little bit to.

What does it mean to put your kids first? I think it's extremely important to take your time, introducing your children to the fact that someone else is in your life. And there are a lot of different ideas in terms of how long you should wait. My personal opinion is that you should wait six months. What are you basing that on? I'm basing it on the need to not rush into a relationship when you're parenting, especially as a single parent, especially if you're putting your children first.

Dating takes up a certain amount of our time, our emotional energy. We think about this person. We're getting to know them. How is it going? Did I say something that went wrong? Did I say something that went right? If it went right, am I rushing, you know, riding on the hormones of the new connection? let that all settle because your kids are going to interact

and have their own relationship with this person that is separate from your relationship with them. Meaning all of the love and connection you feel, sure, they're going to be aware of that. If this person makes you happy, if you're in a better mood around them, that, of course, is going to impact your children. However, they're also going to have to learn how to start

to have that person in their space. How does that person interact with them? How do the kids feel around them? them and you don't want to override the kids experience by imposing yours. So I would say, be very slow. Potentially, when it is time to introduce this person, however many months down the line, you do it in more of a social setting where they begin to get to know them without the stress or the pressure of, hey, this person is now, you know, new dad, new mom, or a significant role in their life.

I also just think it's really important to revisit the section of the podcast where we talk about red flags and go slowly, carve out the amount of time that you feel comfortable being away from your kids and kind of stick to that. If you start to deprioritize things that are really important to you, whether it be bedtimes or routines that you have with your kids, that may start to be a disruptive force. in the home life. So know, you know, be tracking that, know how much time you're being, you're taking away, and make sure that you're not moving too quickly.

Those are really excellent points, Jonathan. Thank you for articulating that. I want to focus also on specifically Letitia's question. You know, as a single parent who strives to put their kids first, how do we put anxiety and fear aside? I think these are things that probably need to be spoken about, like maybe in the first conversation. If you want to put your kids first, if your kids do come first for you, you want to be dating someone who knows that from the get-go. You want to be with someone who knows from the start. I need to paste this out. This is important to me. These are the priorities I have. If I'm wanting to date someone and I've told them, for example, with my schedule with my kids, I can have one day a week when I'm away from.

from my child, when I will get them child care or when they'll be with a babysitter or with their other parent, whatever. If that starts getting whittled away, that's to me a flag. Because if you have stated it up front, then the person that you're potentially dating is going to know this is something that's important to me and you do want to keep to it. Another thing is if there are times of day or night that are important to you to be home and you find yourself not able to stick to it, that's going to be a red flag as well. If you find yourself saying they'll be fine, I can just leave them alone, right? I mean, depending on their age. If that's not something you would normally do, that's a sign also that the relationship may be taking on a little bit too much attention.

So I don't want to get too far into dating with kids because that wasn't Letitia's question, but these are the kind of conversations that you want to have with anyone who knows that you have children and who you might be bringing into your life. And if that person is not available for that conversation, if they're not mature enough to have that conversation, Letitia, I wouldn't be anxious about anything because that's a great weeder process. That's a way to be able to tell right off the bat if this person is actually going to be in it for the right reasons with you. And also, I want to say that a lot of people go on sites, I'm told, not to have committed relationships, but to have other kinds of interactions. And that also may be fine, but it sounds like your question is

more about wanting to date in a way that feels like you're working towards a committed relationship or at least a, you know, a partnership that you can be honest about your, the importance of your kids. To close out this section, mind, let's do a rapid fire. Red flagged single moms and dads should look out for. If the person shows no interest in establishing a relationship with your kids, red flag. Not that you're going to rush it, but when that time comes. If you are expected to ignore your kids or prioritize them over your kids, that's a red flag. Also, if they want to meet your kid right away, that's a red flag. Jonathan recommended six months, but that was an unofficial recommendation. I'm sure there are more researched, you know, sites out there, but I definitely

think at least six months. It depends on the age of the child also. If your children are not comfortable with this person, after many, many months, that's something to look at. at. It's something painful and complicated to look at, but definitely something to potentially explore. And if they are not open to that, that's a red flag. And trust your gut. If you're unsure, if things feel strange, if something feels off, slow down and trust your gut. Speaking of love, maim, do you have any advice for dating with autism? Can I have true love from Ashem? That's a really sweet question. The quick answer is yes, you can have true love. There's a lot of variation in the autism spectrum. So I'm going to speak sort of generally, and I hope that's okay.

You know, obviously there's a lot of safety that needs to be in place. If you're a person on the autism spectrum in terms of making sure that that consent feels right. And yeah, so I just wanted to sort of like mention that before we get into some of the complexity of dating with autism. So depending on where you are, you know, on the autism spectrum, certain things can be challenging about, for example, online dating or even communication that happens through texting and things like that. Often without a tone of voice or without body language or other cues, it can sometimes be hard for people on the autism spectrum to make appropriate conclusions or even communicate the way they want to through messaging or through texts. So that's something important, I think,

to also flag. And I think that there are... there are certain guidelines that I would recommend, let's say. I think talking to someone getting to see their face, meaning like a Zoom call, a nighttime chat, you know, something like that. I think that's a good way to get to know someone or to see if there's compatibility as opposed to just strictly online messaging. I think that often there's a lot of differences in kind of comfort around, touch or around physicality, and that's something that should be, you know, explored.

Sometimes these things are really hard to talk about, but I think for a lot of people who are on the spectrum, there is a lot of information out there and ways to sort of facilitate those conversations. I think that it's important also, in particular, for people on the spectrum, to sort of set aside expectations or kind of what we think. it should look like or what maybe TV and movies has us think that dating or relationships look like. What I think is important is, you know, to do what feels good, right, and pleasurable in terms of activities. Like if you want to take a walk, take a walk. Dates don't have to be expensive. A lot of those expectations that sometimes people on the spectrum, you know, are comparing themselves

to, they're really, they're false. They're just fabricated. It really can be whatever. you want. And I think, I know this sounds really kind of cheesy, but being yourself is extremely important. If you're on the autism spectrum, you're perfect exactly the way you are. And you want to connect with someone who believes that you are perfect and that they are as well. And that doesn't mean it's going to always be perfect, but it means that you get to present exactly who you are, wear what you want, talk about what you want. And it may be a little bit more challenging to sort of find that match, but it absolutely is possible. You and your character are in Big Bang. Oh, that's a good point. You know, I actually didn't even think of that until you just said that.

You know, when I was brought on the Big Bang theory, a lot of people felt like Sheldon Cooper should be asexual. He shouldn't date. Like, this shouldn't happen. I got a lot of, you know, my character got a lot of hate for it. And I guess me by extension. But what we tried to show is, that there is someone for everyone. Amy at first was written a lot more awkward and a lot more kind of socially awkward. But over the years, we showed that the female version of that couple really had social needs where she wanted to be like Penny and she wanted to be like Bernadette. And so we had that character kind of expand, whereas Sheldon, I think, you know, in a lot of ways kind of remained the same. He had a lot of quirks. There were a lot of things he was interested

in that Amy was not trains, comic books, things like that. But I think that actually that's a really good example of a relationship that showed people really growing together so that the other person could be exactly who they wanted to. And also to harken back to the hoarding conversation, one of my absolute favorite episodes of the Big Bang Theory was an episode where Sheldon reveals that he has a storage unit of his entire life. And it has some hoarder violence. but it's very organized and it's very labeled.

And it was a really, really sweet episode because it was something that she didn't know about, that he was kind of protecting. And he was letting her into that aspect of his world, which I think is also a really important component of dating on the spectrum. And especially if you're a person on the spectrum who's dating someone who's not,

you want to feel a level of comfort, but it may take years, as it did with Sheldon and Amy, to reveal all those things. Also, there was a lot of conversation. They had to slow down and really talk a lot out because each one of them had a very different set of assumptions about what a gesture would mean or what they expected from the partner. And so it took a lot of, as you would say, breaking down those expectations, assumptions, hashing them out and finding that middle ground.

Yeah, and even saying, I love you. That was an enormous episode for me and Jim to sort of, you know, be able to articulate. you know, some people on the spectrum don't feel the same linguistic attachment, you know, to words and to concepts the way other people do. And so that was a really interesting notion of how do we get these two characters to communicate, you know, in a motion in a way that's authentic to both of their personalities. And that's going to happen, quote, in real life, too. What could you relate to as Maim that Amy was going through in her relationship with Sheldon

for example, the struggling with the cues that he had that you, you know, maybe were putting down a vibe or an expectation that he wasn't picking up. Like, where, how much of that overlapped for you? You know, obviously it was an extreme on the show. But as my aim, how much of that, did that relate? Could you relate to, I should say. I actually related more to the Sheldon side than the Amy side. Say more?

Because, you know, Sheldon, you know, he's very matter of fact, he was very articulate. You want to focus on your trains? No, but I think the Sheldon character was very articulate about, you know, certain aspects of his inner workings that didn't always translate into the sort of emotional shorthand that people not on the spectrum use. So I really related to that. I think also because I'm a scientist, like my brain kind of sometimes works, you know, more that way. But I don't know, for me as an actor, you know, I was, you know, working with someone also who had a really, you know, Jim, when I'm talking about Jim, you know, he had this really, really elaborate and intricate process of creating this character. And so everything made so much sense. And I think that's really what struck me is that, you know, when people are on the spectrum, they're not playing a part. They're doing exactly what makes sense. to them and what feels right to them. And that's what you want to love.

Say more about that. You haven't really spoken about the making sense part or, you know, that things just made sense. And I think there's an interesting overlap where when you're in a rhythm with someone, you get to just be yourself and it makes sense. You know, the logical thing to you when explained, all of a sudden they get an insight and they're like, oh, I understand why you would do that. And as you get to know someone over time, you're like, oh, of course, they would behave like this in this given situation. Yeah, I think it speaks to a couple other things we've talked about today, you know, in terms of like, what is a good match like, whether you're on the spectrum or not. You want to know someone well enough. You want to get to know someone well enough

to feel like you can, quote, be yourself. You also need to know who yourself is before you can be yourself. But the idea being that in a relationship, you want to have that ease and you want to have that flow. You talk about creative flow a lot, but that flow also happens in relationships and in dating. It shouldn't be confused with lust or that early excitement, you know, that comes when you just meet someone and when you can't decide if they're love bombing you or really, really just like you a lot. But I think there's kind of that notion of feeling like the relationship makes sense. You make sense. they make sense and you make sense together. Before we go, Jonathan, I really think we can get one more in here.

Can we get one more in here? Please break down the multiple intelligence theory, and it is requested by Sarah. So thank you, Sarah. I actually think this is an extremely important topic, the notion of multiple intelligence theory. We actually, when we had Robert Green on, who wrote the 48 laws of power and the art of seduction,

Robert Green talked about trying to figure out literally who you are and tapping into sometimes some of your earliest memories and skills from the time that you're a toddler and that there are different kinds of intelligence which is like literally something that wasn't mentioned until I don't know at least I didn't hear about it until like the 90s or the 2000s. You know, when I was a kid you were either smart or you weren't and smart kids got A's on things and dumb kids didn't.

Like literally that was kind of what it was like to go to school. And then there was like the kids who were like in the special class, but like we didn't talk about that either, right? That's what it was like in the late 70s, early 80s of my childhood, right? But what Robert Green talked about is there are, we now know, they've always existed, different kinds of intelligence. It's not simply, are you book smart or not, right? And I actually, I should say, my parents raised me with this notion that you can be book smart or you can be street smart, right? And people can be like super book smart, but that doesn't do you good if you're mugged on the street. That was the example I was given.

And it's also important to know what to do if you're mugged on the street, but not to the exclusion of also, you know, being able to achieve things in school and be part of society that way. But what Robert Green was pulling this from is this notion of multiple intelligence theory. And I'm going to tell people the categories. So I'll just number them. So we have them. Number one, visual spatial.

So this is people who are like good with dirty. directions and maps and charts. They like puzzles, they like pictures, graphs, and charts. They might be visual art people, like drawing, painting. The kind of jobs people with visual spatial intelligence might like, architect, artist, engineer. Number two, linguistic verbal. This is one, like, I don't know, was there always like a smart ass in everybody's class? They were probably linguistically verbally strong.

Jonathan, you are very intelligent in the linguistic verbal department. These people use words well when writing and speaking. They're often good at writing stories. They can often remember written and spoken information well. They enjoy reading and writing. They're often good at debate or persuasive speeches. They often are funny when they tell stories, possible jobs. Writer, journalist, also could be a lawyer, even a teacher.

Number three, logical, mathematical. I mean, this kind of like speaks for itself, especially if you like logical, mathematical people. These are people who are good with reasoning, with analyzing problems. They're good with abstract ideas, complex computations. These are the kind of people who are like accountants, scientists, mathematicians, even computer programmers. Number four, body kinesthetic, people who are good with basically their bodies in space, very physically coordinated. They remember by doing, rather than by hearing or seeing. They can be artists like dancers,

good at sports. They also could be craft people or even surgeons, right? Sculptors, people who are good with kind of fine motor, communicating things in a way that is fine or gross motor. Number five, musical. There is musical intelligence.

And I'm sure everyone can think of like that friend who's like, I don't read music. I just feel it in my soul and I see it in colors and it just comes out. These people enjoy singing musical instruments. They're good at remembering songs and melodies and also understand structure and rhythm. Obviously being a musician, a composer, a conductor,

or a singer are possible jobs. Number six, interpersonal intelligence. That's understanding and interacting with other people. These are the kind of people who might be a counselor or a psychologist. They could also be a politician because they communicate well. They're skilled at nonverbal communication, and they're good at resolving conflict, seeing situations from different perspectives, and kind of being able to play to different arenas.

Number six, intra-personal. Intra-personal. These are people who are very aware of their own emotional state, their feelings, their motivations. They like self-reflection. They analyze strengths and weaknesses. They're very self-aware. these are the kind of people who might be a philosopher, a writer, maybe a scientist,

kind of depends. Number seven, I really like this one, and I'm glad that it exists. Naturalistic intelligence. People who are interested in botany, biology, zoology, they're interested in the environment, learning about other species. They also might enjoy camping, gardening. They might want to be a conservationist, a gardener, a farmer. And you might be thinking, like, but don't you also need to be skilled? Yeah, you don't have to just pick one people, but definitely there are certain strengths that people will have. You can want to go to medical school all you want. I'm raising my hand here, but not have the skills academically to do it or have shaky hands, which you find out by breaking a very expensive piece of equipment in lab and realizing

you're not going to be a brain surgeon. I'm just giving an example that may or may not apply to certain people. There are also other kinds of intelligence that people talk about. There's this sort of notion of existential intelligence. These are sort of the magic people among us, people who like to delve deep into questions about life and existence. They're asking big questions. They can be philosophers, theologians, sometimes religious leaders, or like I said, magicians, shamans, healers, people like that. So these are different kinds of intelligence that you probably can see yourself in more than one. I'd be surprised if anyone just finds themselves in one. But this is a much more holistic approach to understanding what intelligence is. And I think it also hopefully will do a tremendous

amount of repair for the generations of people who were told you're just not smart, or you can't do this, or you learn different and that's not okay. So I actually find this really, really comforting. And, you know, I, I'm also one of these people who likes to kind of use both parts of the brain, as it were. I like a lot of creative things. I like a lot of, you know, puzzles. So you can also have, you know, qualities and bits and pieces from each of these. And Robert Green was using this to describe that we all have maybe one central with features of some of,

of the other categories and that he believes each one of us has a life's purpose, a life's task to achieve or to focus on in this time that we're on earth. And that by finding the type of intelligence that is our predominant intelligence, that's a way for us to discover what our life's task might be because it begins to clarify the areas that we should focus on. When I look at this list and I think about you, you are an avid puzzler, although I don't think visual spatial

is your predominant intelligence. You are very strong linguistic verbal. That's an overriding quality for you. So I would say that that's very high. You also have musical intelligence. And I think though, where do you think your primary intelligence, what category would it be?

Wow. That's a hard question. You know, I think that I actually think, like, if I had to pick one, I think what most people would talk about is my intrapersonal, meaning like my self-awareness and my strengths and weaknesses analysis that I like to do. That's also from, you know, being in therapy for a long time. But I think when people, like, I don't know,

that seems like what people often note. But for me, like, I think my logical, mathematical side is so much fun. I love math. It's like my favorite language, even over English. I love math. I love logic. Valerie and I share a love for logic puzzles. So yeah, I really love those kinds of patterns. I loved physics. I loved quantum physics. So I really, you know, kind of, I don't know, that's a real kind of sweet spot for me. Jonathan, what about you? You have a lot of beautiful, you know, combination of a lot of these things. You're very, very visually skilled. You put things together really well linguistically.

I am, I was just about to say I am not a visual spatial lead. That is not my predominant intelligence. But there's a lot of different parts to that because the fact is you, you have a strong sense of a visual presence and space. You have a strong aesthetic, which I think is a part of visual spatial intelligence. It's definitely not math intelligence. maybe there's some musical in there, but I have not developed it. I would say that I'm a sprinkle of linguistic, a sprinkle of body kinesthetic.

Maybe a little bit of interpersonal, but... Can you dance? Not so much. Being aware of what hurts in your body doesn't mean body kinesthetic intelligence. I mean, I can dance on a basketball. ball card, give me a ball. Naturalistic, probably not so much. There's some existential intelligence that I like and I like to ponder, but I like many things. I feel like I'm somewhat ambidextrous. You're literally ambidextrous. Let's play ping pong right now with my left hand.

So yeah, I like this notion, though, because I think far too much we have pigeon-told people into, in order to succeed in the world, you are going to have to regurgitate all of this information in school and actually people who have reinvented categories, changed industries have often been the outliers who think differently, who haven't been successful in traditional education. And I think the more we're able to hone in, help people identify their skill set,

understand that there's a variety of different ways to be successful and to show your strengths in interacting with the world, the better will be able to support different types of learners, different types of students, and help people find the ways in which they can truly contribute to this world, and I think we'll all be better off for it. Jonathan, in case you were curious, I took this very wellmind.com intelligence test, and I came up with verbal linguistic. That does not surprise me.

It's very interesting. I mean, it was 10 questions. I'm not saying that it's definitive, and they don't really know me, but, you know. Jonathan, this has been really fun. I love when people ask me anything. And this was a pretty big variety that I hope people enjoyed. Please, if you have anything you'd like me to answer,

please submit questions. You can let us know in the YouTube comments. You can send us a DM on Instagram. And from our breakdown to the one we hope you never have. We'll see you next time. It's my M. Biolix breakdown. She's going to break it down for you.

She's got a neuroscience week. HD or two One fiction And now she's going to break down So break down