Mayim Bialik's Breakdown - Nikki Glaser: The Drug of Feelings

Episode Date: October 26, 2021

Nikki Glaser (The Nikki Glaser Podcast, FBoy Island, Nikki Glaser: Bangin') stops by to discuss the importance of being present and feeling your feelings. She opens up about being raised by an anxious parent, her relationship with her parents before, during, and after therapy, and the sensory issues she struggled with as a child. Nikki reveals the origins of her previous suicidal thoughts, how she went from being scared of boys to being known for her overtly sexual humor, and why she is considering a transition away from stand-up comedy. She discusses her disordered eating and body images issues, losing a friend to suicide, and her decision to stop drinking. Mayim and Nikki consider the benefits of weighted blankets, explore sex drives and feelings of attachment, and explain why they’re grateful social media didn’t exist when they were young. Mayim explains the neuroscience behind picky eating in another installment of Ask Mayim Anything.  The Nikki Glaser Podcast: https://www.nikkiglaser.com/page/podcast See Nikki Glaser on Tour: https://www.nikkiglaser.com/page/tour BialikBreakdown.com YouTube.com/mayimbialik Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Had a great, you know, losing my virginity experience. But there was one thing that was, you know, ended up being the crux of one of my specials was the way that men change when they are about to come. They go from being like a normal person to like, and like, you can't reason with them. They don't have a sense of humor. Their voice changes. They turn into Vincent Donofrio's character in Men in Black, that mummy that's kind of like that has like a roach coming out of his eye.

It's Myambialy's breakdown. She's going to break it down for you. Because you know she knows a thing or two. And now she's going to break down. It's a breakdown. She's going to break it down. Hi there. I'm Myam Beallik.

And welcome to my breakdown. This is the place where we break things down so that you don't have to. Today we're going to be talking to comedian, podcaster, thinker. Nikki Glazer. If you know who Nikki Glazer is, you know she's a very, very raw, raunchy. Sometimes people use that word. I don't love that word. Comedian. But she also has a really, really fascinating set of things that she's comfortable talking about that I think will resonate with a lot of you. But first, the person I resonate with most, Jonathan Cohen. Oh, hello, Ma'am. Hi. We're doing another vacation podcast.

I mean, we're not in the studio. I don't think we're on vacation. But we're not in our normal seats. Right. We're trying something different. So we... I can go here. We thank everyone who is watching and seeing the different angles. We're trying to do our best.

It might sound a little bit different than the normal. Yeah, but we're getting there. And we have a really, really great... We have a great guest. So is there anything you want to tell people before we introduce Nicky Glazer? I'm super excited. This is a phenomenal podcast. She can talk.

She's so... She's a talker. She's funny. She's introspective. She's reflective. one thing that you left up is she's also a host and an inspiring singer-songwriter. I mean, we'll talk about all those things. I think you guys should collabing it on an album.

People don't know that you're a singer-songwriter. I will totally text her about many things. Well, you'll hear the other things that I'll be texting Nikki about. Nikki's known for her shockingly honest, no-holds-barred style of comedy for over a decade longer. She has three podcasts. She has specials. Her last Netflix special, Bangin, was released October 20. 2019. It is not for the faint of heart. Like, I got embarrassed just because my cats were in the room

with what I saw in her special. Small little note. Yeah. I remember when we were first dating and texting each other, we were talking about comedy albums. You were telling me what a fan of comedy you were, and I had just watched that. And I were texting for a long time, and I didn't say, and we were like, did you see this one? Did you see that special? Did you see that? You didn't want me to think you were a purve? And I was like, she's so conservative. I don't know if I thought of her about the Nikki special and then we talked about it and I was like it was anyway that's all I have to say about that okay um she also um just hosted a reality dating series called F-boy Island I think you can get I think it's 10 episodes correct um you can get those on

it's HBO max I believe but what I really want to focus on and I'd like to give a shout out to Valerie Floyd that is Valerie's last name right it doesn't just say that on all her accounts I don't her to be like, that's not even my last name. It's just a pseudonym. Okay. I do want to thank Valerie for all the really rich material about Nikki that I do want to mention before we even bring her on. She's talked, so thank you, Valerie. She's talked openly about anorexia, and she will speak in depth today about her anorexia, depression, anxiety. She's been sober since 2012. She's a former nicotine user. She moved back in with her parents during the pandemic, which I knew, she and I are friendly. I mean, I'd like to say friends, but I think I'm working my way.

And she started focusing more intently on her eating disorder, which she's kind of on and off been struggling with since high school. We don't talk about it today, but she is someone who's talked about having ADD, she talked about OCD, but one of the things I wanted to share is she said, I was always a depressed teen looking back, which I think a lot of people can relate to. I had ADD, which wasn't looked at because it's usually boys jumping off the walls and talking too much and I was really quiet. I was scared of attention and disorganized and preoccupied with thoughts and had no coping mechanisms. I think I was depressed, but it didn't really set in until I got an eating disorder, which also stemmed from OCD and depression. I come from a family where mental

illness is not discussed, not because people are cruel, but because it's just too much. There's too much history, it's too much to look at. And they just can't. And I've accepted that my family didn't get any help for my anorexia, not because they weren't so terrified, and not because they wanted me to die, but because they just were frozen in fear. And she speaks so honestly about so many aspects of eating disorders and also really addiction in general. This is a really fun one. So without further ado, it's really an honor to welcome Nikki Glazer to Mindana's Breakdown. Break it down. Hello, Nikki. Thank you so much for being here. It's crazy that we can't stop working.

No, we... Where are you? This is one of our special vacation podcast episodes where we decided we're going to be on vacation and do podcasts, which means we're sitting next to each other with two things. There's many reasons that I wanted to speak to you before I even kind of got to do a deeper dive into the things that you have been open to talking about, which you've spoken about in public, that relate to mental health.

But what I'm super interested to talk to you about before we get. get to that is sort of like, how do you become Nikki Glazer? Like, I want you to like take us back to who you were at, you know, at five, at nine, at 14, at 17. You've said some really awesome things that I completely identify with about how, I mean, you're younger than me, but when we were growing up, is, like, there was a very kind of serene and perfected image of kind of what it was to be female in particular. And a lot of, you know, a lot of the women and also the men who are kind of more in our pop culture now are very open to talking about things that no one spoke about when we were teenagers or even when we were in our 20s. So take us back though, before we kind of get to that,

tell us like where you were born, where you were raised, like what did your folks do? What was like? When did you become the Nikki Glazer that is? Oh, God. I think like a couple of months ago. Or like, you know, I think the pandemic really shifted me into the one that is now, that is, you know, truly the best version of myself. And I feel like I always just say whatever the current version is is the best. But right now I really feel so much different than I did, you know, March 2020. But before we get to that, yes, I was born in Cincinnati, Ohio, to E.J. and Julie Glazer, 1984. We lived on a river. My parents are, my dad is a very, outdoorsy person. We grew up like kind of not in the sticks of Cincinnati, but like on the

outskirts of Cincinnati. Grew up on a river. My dad would work all day and my mom would watch me during the day. She was like a, you know, housewife, a stay-at-home mom. And because we were like, stay-at-home mom. That used to be my joke. It was more about keeping her inside and away from the public more than a title. But no, she was, she, you know, I was the first born. I have a sister who's younger, but she came 18 months later. And my mom was very scared of me going down to the river and, you know, dying, drowning. Something, an accident happening was, you know, I got the first child, like, overly sensitive parent, very cautious. But instead of, like, watching me, I think she just, like, scared me of everything so that I wouldn't do anything.

So instead of, like, let's go to the river and see how this could be. done right, it was just like, if you go to the river, you will die. And I just remember getting that message. Then my dad would come home from work and be like, let's go down the river. Come on, let's go kayaking. And I'd be like, ah! Like just shrieking. And he's like, what happened at the river?

So my first word, my first multisyllabic word that wasn't like, you know, mama or dad was dangerous, dangerous. And I would point to things that were dangerous. So I was terrified. I was a terrified child. my sister came along and of course my parents were a little bit more lax with her as you are the second child

and I kind of saw that and only recently realized that I really stepped up to bat there and was like she's going to get kidnapped all the fears that my parents had then went on to me protecting my sister from very scared of her drowning very scared of her she was a lot more adventurous

free free spirited and I was constantly obsessed with her not getting kidnapped that was my big one I was very scared, just scared of everything as a kid. And also, I just, can I just step in? Because, like, there may be people who, like, don't know what 1984, Ohio was like, this was not a high crime area that you were raised in. There's nothing.

Like, this wasn't a raging river. This was, like, not born on the bayou. Like, there was, like, vagrants coming down the river now. It was just, yeah. I mean, there was just, I don't know. My mom is a very anxious person anyway and comes from long lines of anxiety. And I think that she, and she was 25, you know, you look back at your parents that had you at such a young age and what they're like now. And I wouldn't even necessarily want them to have kids now, let alone with their 25, just not because they're not great people, but because they just didn't, they just didn't know what was right and wrong.

And I love my parents now so much. When I first got into therapy, you know, decades ago, it was blame them, angry at them, like, couldn't be around them without just, you know, lashing out with resentments of why did you do this? And I never wanted to give them the they did their best because that's always like, did you? Because there's a lot of other options that would have been better. And I just don't feel like that's, but they actually did. Now I realize that you really can't, they love me as much as they can. And they do love me. I got so lucky. My parents are so cool. They've been so amazingly supportive of my comedy career. You know, You get good and bad, both sides of things.

But, you know, one of my earliest memories, my mom hates when I recall this, but it's, I get into it then. This one, I know, this one I've really forgiven her for, and I relate to it. You know, this is the thing, this is the story that makes me scared to have kids. She, one of my earliest memories, I'm probably four, having a tantrum, and I run out into the front yard.

My dad isn't home for sure. I'm just screaming at my mom about something. and I just remember turning around, she's up on the porch, and I just turn around and I go, I hate you. You know, as you do when you're four, you scream, I hate you. I think that's a common thing. At least I scream that a lot when I would get frustrated. And I remember my mom just going,

you know what, Nick? I hate you too. And I remember being aware that she can't say that. I just, no, that's the rule here, Mom. I can say that to you, but you can never say that to me, and you broke that. But you know what? She crossed it early, so she didn't have you thinking that, like, life was going to be okay.

At four, she was like, the harsh truth is I'm going to say things like this. Yeah, I'm going to say really her. And the thing was it was true. Like, I've hated things that I loved before. Like resent, you know, people, just animals that I feel like, oh, the fact that you need me so much right now. And I don't want to go out. And, you know, when I moved from L.A. to New York with my dogs, I went from being, like, just obsessed with my dogs. away not understanding how anyone could ever give their dogs to someone else or part ways with

their dogs. Then I moved to New York and I was four-floor walk-up, tiny apartment, mid of winter. And I have a joke about it, but it's true. I was, I resented them so much because I could not give them the life they deserved. And I just didn't have it in me. And I just started fantasizing about like, when are they going to go? Like, and I used to have to go to therapy in L.A. to prepare for when they died. I was like, I can't even imagine that happening. And now I'm fantasizing about it. So I was having, I understand loving something and then resenting it so much that you can lash out and say something awful.

Now, I think I internalize that I hate you a lot. And I never questioned that my mom loved me, but she just wasn't really good at showing it or like she wasn't super affectionate with me. Now, come to find out, I was not very cuddly. I really hated, like, she was like, you. Because I always throw that. I'm like, you never hugged me as a kid. Dad was always the one.

And I didn't want it from him. And she was like, you didn't let us. Like, you were really. And then I realized I had a lot of sensory issues as a kid, which lead me to believe certain things about myself now that were maybe undiagnosed, but I couldn't stand socks. I didn't like things touching me certain fabrics. I went to the dentist once and he put the lead vest on me thing for the,

this is. And I loved that. And I remember I was trying to make small talk with my dentist, but I was getting the x-rays. and I was like, I did a cardboard thing for the X-ray. I'm like, I love this thing. I love when I come here and you go, it feels so good. And he goes, yeah, a lot of autistic children respond to it that way.

That makes sense. And I just go, what? And that wasn't a word back then. I was nine or ten. I was so excited because I was like, I am something. I always wanted to be something or like I tried to break my foot when I was young because my mom broke her foot and she got a lot of attention for it. So I used the same cookie monster piano that she picked up and dropped on her foot.

I would like drop it on my foot. And like, I just wanted to have some. So I remember being in the dentist chair, being like autistic, autistic. Like, remember that. So you can ask your mom about it. And of course, they never followed up. And, but I was not the most cuddly kids. So I don't, I don't blame her.

And of course, I remember things the way I remember them. And I'm always, like, the victim in my own story. We moved to St. My NBialx Breakdown is supported by Superpower. We all know the feeling of leaving a doctor's office. And kind of feeling like we didn't get anything out of the experience that was useful. Maybe they're like, you're fine. Drink more water.

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Not only did Superpower reduce their price to just $199, but for a limited time, our listeners get an additional $20 off with the code break. Head to superpower.com. Use the code break at checkout for $20 off your membership And after you sign up, they'll ask how you heard about them. Make sure to mention Miami-Biotics Breakdown to help support the show. I was when I was six. And my dad worked in the cable industry in sales and marketing for big, big cable.

And we moved there in St. Louis for his job. No friends, no family there. And I was in first grade, moved mid-year, loved a change, love being the new kid. Although I was incredibly shy. we eventually landed in a part of St. Louis called Kirkwood, where I went to, like, lovely public school and struggled finding friends, second, third grade. Third grade, I was at a really severe bedwetting problem early on. But I really was like a happy kid. I don't remember being unhappy until the bed wedding interrupted my social life.

And, you know, it happened at, and it was always something that I was ashamed of that would be like, oh, we went, she went the bed again. and I'd have to hide it. And, you know, when we were at cousins' houses or something, it was definitely a source of shame. But I didn't, it didn't haunt me like it did after I wet the bed at a girl's house in third grade. And then on Monday morning, she told the entire class during show and tell because that she didn't bring a show.

So she was told a tell. And I would go to the nurse every day and pretend to be sick so I could go home. I just had, I didn't want to be at school. And I didn't have any friends. and I was scared of, I realized the other day, and this is kind of tragic, but like my first suicidal ideations or like, you know, the first time I go, I have to kill myself, which was a common theme throughout my life. But the first time I remember it, and I didn't know it went back this far, but it was when people found out I wet the bed. And I knew that Monday that they shared it, it kind of didn't catch fire as much as I thought it would. but then when I went to fourth grade, it was dormant again.

And I remember sometime around maybe fourth or fifth grade, I felt like someone might have remembered it and told the popular boys. And I remember thinking, this weekend's going to determine whether or not they know about it. And if Monday they know, God, I have to kill myself. And I didn't even know what that meant. But I just remember, like, being 10, it's just heartbreaking to even, when you hear about kids being suicidal at that age, you just go, what? How, like, it didn't come back to haunt me those thoughts later until I was in my, you know, late teens.

But I realized the other day that they started young of like this kind of resolute, God, well, that's, I have to do it. Well, we'll see Monday if they find out. And, you know, I always think that if social media would have existed when I was that young, I would have been one of the girls that, you know, hangs or something. Like, as horrible as I usually, I mean, the way I say it, I don't necessarily. myself, but you know, you and I are different with language. But I say, like, I would be that kid who would say, if you don't homeschool me, I don't even know what's going to happen if you send me back to that school. Like, you would need to place me in an isolation situation.

I mean, I could not tolerate it. But I don't think I would have been, I don't think they would have done that for me. They would have gone, oh, come off it. Nick, get out of here. Kids wet the bed all the time. Get, you're going to school. And I would have been like, well, then I'm going. gonna go up to my bedroom and do something about it.

Like, I would have done something. Because I remember in eighth grade, someone found out I watched porn, and the most popular girl in school heard that I watched porn, and I was so ashamed, I told my best friend, and she told this girl, like, why did you tell Britney Burke? And I remember being on a balcony at this hotel,

being like, okay, this is what I'll do later on. And luckily, you know, I don't know, I didn't go through with that, obviously, but just the human, if some Snapchat would have been taken of me the first time I drank, And I looked like, even if someone took a picture of me sleeping where I was like, and like showed it to the popular boys and it was going around, I couldn't stand being,

I just didn't want to, I didn't want any attention on me. I was very scared. So that's actually where I was going to kind of go next, you know. It sounds like you weren't like part of the popular crowd, which like, I picture you looking like this at like 14, that you were like this like amazing with the hair and the lips and the brows and the lashes. but I'm assuming you had, you know, you had your teenage moment.

But, you know, people are surprised to hear when performers don't like attention. And, you know, the way I describe it is there's a very specific kind of attention. Like, I get to decide what you see. I get to decide, you know. So when did that sort of start evolving? Like, were you funny? Like, you know, obviously you had, you know, I mean, I'm not going to call you hypersexualized because like a lot of people don't understand that girls also,

are curious about porn and sex, and while it might not be the norm and not something we talk about, like how did it kind of evolve because it's interesting you mention porn, because a lot of what people know about you or a lot of people don't know is that you're very, very honest,

and your comedy is very, it can be very uncomfortable because it is so honest and because it is so raw, and it may not be for everyone. It happens to be something that I enjoy because I really like the way you perform and I like the way that you tell your story. But tell us a little bit about sort of like

when that Nikki started evolving of like, I want to speak my mind about this or I'm funny or I mean, you have an adorable voice also. So like there's also something to like, you know, when kids have, you know, cute. I mean, I had a raspy voice when I was a kid and you do. You have a great voice. Oh, thanks. Yeah, I think that it's really interesting because I was really scared of sex.

I didn't, I was scared of boys. I was scared. I was resentful that all my best friends. I had great girlfriends. Thank God. And fourth grade, I really was rescued by meeting the loves of my life, which are my girlfriends, really tight throughout high school. And just I lucked out.

And then they started liking boys. And I was not there yet. And I liked them, but I just had this immense fear. Couldn't picture myself kissing them. Then my friends started, like, having oral sex. And, like, their vaginas were being touched. I didn't even kiss a boy yet, and I just felt like I would sob when my friends would blow someone. I would like, it was just a betrayal and like, how could you?

Like, what would make you want to do that? Like, you get, you guys get grossed out when a potato chips falls on the floor and I just blow it off and eat it. And you're putting your mouth on a penis? Like, what? And these disgusting boys that we know are just like wear jinkos and don't wash them? Like, why are we doing this? It can't taste good. And I just felt so left.

doubt that I was not there because I, you know, I felt my loins were a blaze for, you know, Leonardo Caprio and in Romeo and Juliet and even that fear scene where Mark Waldler fingers Reese Witherspoon on the roller coaster. I mean, things were popping off downstairs, but I had no concept of masturbation, no idea what to do with it, just was horny all the time, but terrified of boys. And I didn't kiss a boy until my first kiss was like kind of a forced kiss. Like, it was a guy that I liked. I told him I liked him.

And he just, like, attacked me. And I pushed him off. And he proceeded to drive me home, like, going 70 miles for an hour, sped off when I got out of the car, like, left. Like, I fell on last year, right? It was a rough year. It was, honestly, moving back home to St. Louis, I saw all these places where all this stuff happened last year.

And I was very, like, oh, wow. Like, it's wild to me, though, that I am. People so, they recognize me. or I'm known for being overtly sexual and not, you know, not with my like appearance so much or like my actions as much as the stories I tell. And I think it's indirect rebellion to the thing I was most scared of I went hard at. And honestly, the thing that scared me about sex was the unknown. So I feel like it is my duty to put out the things that everyone, I wanted to know everything

about sex when I went into it so that when it happened to me, I was ready for any weird thing that happened. Like, I didn't want it to know what penises looked like, what they felt like, what they could look like, what's the worst that could happen? What's the guy going to do? What's he going to say before he leans it to kiss me? What do I do with my tongue? Like, the first, I got my period when I was like 16. I used a tampon the first time because I had all, I knew everything already. I had done all the research from my friends. I was ready to go. So by the time I had sex when I was 21 only happened because it was facilitated by alcohol and a guy that was actually very, like, gentle and eased me into it.

So had a great, you know, losing my virginity experience. But my friends didn't prepare me. There was one thing that was, you know, ended up being the crux of one of my specials was that, in a couple of my specials, was the way that men change when they are about to come. They go from being, like, a normal person to, like, and, like, you can't reason with them. They don't have a sense of humor. Their voice changes. They get stiff and weird.

I really didn't know that happened. I had no clue. It's not portrayed in movies or TV shows. And even in porn, I don't think I ever... No, they don't show that in porn. They don't show that a man shifts. And I said this before in my special, they turn into Vincent Donofrio's character in Men in Black,

that mummy that's kind of like... That has like a roach coming out. He's wearing a rural suit. It's a guy wearing a little suit. And they, that's a scary, like, now I laugh when a guy gets that way because it's so funny. I laugh in my head, you know, it doesn't scare me anymore. But when you are first having sex and a man, that energy is what, like, happens when men are rapy. Like, that's a rapy energy where there's no getting through to the guy.

The guy that you knew before is gone and now he's about to come and I'll have to explain the science of it, but I'll do that in our wrap up. That will be the word of the day of the science. But what I want to ask about is you said you can't reason with them. What are you trying to reason in that moment? No, I know exactly. There's just, they don't have a sense of humor. No.

Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Let me see if I can do this. And I'm not going to be as funny. And if you'd like to learn all these things, just watch, just watch banging because that explains all the things you need to know.

No, what it is is there, there's a, there's a place where if, if for what. I'm not the good creations right in that moment. If for some reason, let me. that say there was pressure on your femur that might make it break, there is a zone at which that information won't go in their brain and you may just break your femur.

Yes. Why though? Why? Because this is the thing, that's what fascinates me about male sex drive. It's so much different than females. I get horny enough sometimes that I do feel a little drunk.

I quit drinking because I realized all my relationships revolved around drinking and it was just, I didn't remember any of the sex I was having, eventually quit drinking, couldn't have sex anymore, didn't even know that was going to be affected by it, really. But, and so many people rely on drinking to get comfortable enough to have sex, mostly

women, because men can get horny enough where they feel, they, their brain that tells them, this is awkward, these faces you're making are weird, the move, like, making this move on this girl, this was, this is the right time to do that. You get drunk with horniness, whereas women do not as much, uh, get out. out-of-body experiences like that. I feel like guys, they just don't, they disappear for a second when they get horny. And is it because why? Why do they have to shift?

Where do they go? Explain it. Well, I mean, this is, I have to say in all my, you know, in all my studies, like, I don't know that this specific question came up. But what I do know is that, you know, the hormonal cocktail that is involved, especially in the moments before ejaculation are not geared towards listening. They're not geared towards feeling per se.

You know, literally the blood has gone to the... Not just a minute is. The blood is gone to the parts of the body that are typically supporting the weight or there's a lot of positions you can have sex in, but there still is a particular musculature that's involved to keep the stimulus going to achieve the end goal of orgasm.

So, yeah, there's not a lot of real need for cognition there, which is, anyway, I have a lot of things to say about that. But that's why societies collapse because dumb, like, important. Bill Clinton lost everything because his balls were full one afternoon. That's what it comes down to. It's so amazing. I realize how dumb they are when they get horny because I like to joke all the time. I'm always like kind of, jokes cut how awkward things can be,

especially when sex is awkward, your chests are sticking together and it makes a fart sound. Like, men though, I realized have, don't have the ability to joke when they're horny. It's like, it's almost like when I'm exercising, and I don't like to listen to comedy podcasts because I get, like, jelly. I'm just like, I can't have my, like, they just don't, as soon as they come, they can go like, ha ha, then that's why all my jokes, don't they. All my sex jokes.

revolves around come because once come is in the picture the man has a sense of humor again but when it's still inside him he's just like very tunnel vision very can't can't joke around and and comedy takes you know smarts a little bit okay so so we got to sort of like you having sex at 21 I want to know though when you became I want to know when you became aware of your kind of funny or your ability I mean, based on what I've heard about your parents, I totally get your funny and your meaning like I get where you're funny comes from. I get where you're smart comes from. And I get where also being raised in kind of like a culture of anxiety. It breeds a lot of funny. Um, you know, if you, especially if you have like generational trauma or are Jewish or of any kind of ethnic group

that experienced a lot of strife recently, it often makes for a really kind of interesting perspective. But were you like that at 15? Were you like that at 21? Were you like that at 21? Like when did that become, oh, I can do this? No, it didn't click in. Comedy only came into my field of vision or even was a thing I even considered when I wanted to be an actress. Sixth grade, I discovered friends. I was like, I'm going to be Jennifer Hanson. By 25, I'm going to have a sitcom.

Like, I wanted to be Jennifer Anston. That's it. That's it. Right. And then I wasn't good at acting. I didn't get the, I was okay at it. I wasn't getting the roles in even high school productions, bad at auditions. nervous, like, didn't enjoy the process of acting either,

didn't enjoy being a character, didn't try to go to musical theater in college, like I wanted to be famous, I wanted to be on TV, I wanted to create, like I wanted, I was bad at guitar, I was bad at singing, I just, I wasn't good at anything that would lead you to be on screen, and I was like, fuck, I honestly, again, hate to say it, I just remember being like, I'm gonna keep trying, but I'm eventually just gonna kill myself,

because I will not be an adult who does not do, my mom was always just like, be an English teacher, that was like her dream, for me because it was safe and simple. And I was like, I'm not going to do that. I never wanted to be a mom or a wife. My senior year of high school, I got anorexia big time. It hit me in March.

By July, I was hospitalized. It was like, boom. Like, I was, finally I was good at something. Right. Well, and it's funny because I say that about my disordered eating. I say, like, if I'm going to do anore. Like, if I'm going to restrict, I'll be the best restricter ever. And that's part of that kind of like perfectionism.

That's a feature of a lot of different kinds of eating disorder. Was there like a moment, a thing? Yeah. Well, a lot of stuff happened my senior year and I, I mean, I was in St. Louis, but September 11th really fucking got me. It happened my senior year. I was deeply affected by it like no one in my life is. Like I, every time it comes around, I'm a big 9-11 head.

I like go deep. I just like immersing myself in the tragedy of it. And like, I was just so overwhelmed. And boy, I was screaming dangerous at that. Like that was. That's the thing for a lot of people. It was there, right. I was going to say it's like your mom was a little bit right.

Like the world is a very, very dangerous place. So for someone primed for that, I can imagine that was very impactful. Yeah. And then two months after that, a friend of mine committed suicide and blamed my best friend since fourth grade for it because she didn't like him. So he left a note in her door. I was with him the night before he did it. It was a, you know, fall dance that she went to the dance with him. And he, you know, drove us home.

He showed us his gun that he had just gotten for his birthday. And we were all like, oh, God, what do you have this for? And thought nothing of it. He was always confessing his love to her. They were best friends. And he would leave some notes in her locker. And she would, they'd be friends again. He'd accept that she didn't see him that way.

And, you know, he confessed his love to her when he drove her home to my house that night after the dance. And after we had hung out and he showed us his gun and stuff. And, you know, I was in the backseat. just like, oh, this is so awkward because he's like, I love you. And she's like, I just want to be friends. And he went to my house and giggled about it, like, oh, what's he going to leave in your locker tomorrow? And then he shot himself and left a note in her door at home with the corsage that she got him for the dance.

It was the friendship dance. So it was never leading. It doesn't even matter, you know. She just got all of the blame. And my best friend, like my twin sister since fourth grade senior year just like got ripped out from me. and I was really mad at him. No one else was. So I was kind of villainized as like,

why don't you, why aren't you just sad for him? And I was like, because he destroyed my friend's life. And so then that all happened. And then in March, a guy that I always liked, for whatever reason, I'd finally worked my way so that this guy in this popular group started liking me and was maybe going to ask me to prom. And we were going to hang out, I think, at his house.

And I had at this point only kissed one boy. I've been attacked, kissed once, kissed consensually another time. And I was like, oh my God, right before my senior year, I'm finally going to get like a guy, a boyfriend, maybe I'll touch a penis, even though I'm terrified of it. And one day I just like was so nervous about going to this boy's house. I didn't eat because I was just nervous. Like, you know, I lost my appetite because of nerves. And then the next day, I mean, it shows up quick on me. And especially then when I was a little bit overweight, not much, but I hated my body at this point.

I mean, the body image issues started probably two years prior when I quit field hockey, started doing theater. eight four bowls of cereal every day after school started, you know, abusing food to anesthetize. I wasn't drinking yet. I wasn't smoking pot. I'd just used food. And we had a pantry full of whatever the hell I wanted. So I hated my body. I would cry about my, like I was struggling to lose weight. And then I went to school the next day. One of the popular girls was like, you look great. And I was like, she was like, do you lose weight? First I'd ever heard that in my life. And I was like, oh, my God. What did I do yesterday? Oh, I didn't eat. Well, I'm still feeling like on cloud night about this guy, don't have an appetite, let me just keep going. And then I got so popular. That's the

problem. Like, people liked me more. All my dreams came true. I looked good and close, except I was starving, so I could enjoy any of it because I was in a bad mood and I was weak and I was about to faint, but I was gorge. I was for the first time sexy and beautiful and all the things I had ever wanted and all my friends hated me because they knew I wasn't eating. The school got called. My parents got called. They denied it. Everyone denied it. I tricked everyone. And then by July, I went to, I had no, my friends completely detached because their parents were all like knew what was going on. My parents kept denying it, hanging up the phone on them. I told my parents, I was on a diet. All my friends are jealous. But, you know, I looked back and I was screaming for help because I didn't

know. I had anorexia. I just thought I had tricked the system. And so I went in for a physical to go away for my freshman year of college to University of Colorado, Boulder, and just a routine physical. And my pulse was so low, and I looked skeletal. And they were like, she's not leaving. And my mom's like, yes, she is. And they're like, no, she's not. We're admitting her because if we let her go and she dies,

it's on us because we know she's about to die. So I was putting a psych ward. And then I just lied to them to get out of it. I think I was there maybe a week or two. And just ate whatever they wanted me to eat, gained enough that I convinced everyone when I was good. I was like, I just have to fucking fool these people until I can go off to college and do it again.

And I went to college and it was bad. And I got, you know, I found a eating disorder friend who's still one of my best friends, but we just like, you know, got together and just did our disorder, alienated ourselves from everyone else. Also wanted to discover blackout drinking, loved it so much because I would like not feel hungry because I was now feeling drunk

and really good at doing that and blacking out every night. but it was in college and that was when I decided to transfer schools because I was probably going to die there because I was just so depressed so cold so bony so you know it's uncomfortable to sit I had no fat on my body everyone's concerned about me everyone's constantly whispering about me I can't go anywhere without you know people staring I know what it's like to be obese and I know I don't want to say that like I know what it's like but I know the you know I've talked I've talked enough people about the experience of being overweight in a way that people comment and whisper and they think that you don't hear. I've been, I've been, I don't want to say, like, I understand anyone who's felt like people whisper about them, that's why I will never, I just don't, if someone has like a thing that's crazy that, like, my friends want to go, like, did you see that? I just ignore it because we see everything. Like, I know what it's like to be whispered about by everyone.

I know what it's like when a girl looks at you and you go, okay, she's going to look at her friends. know how this goes. She's going to move her to her friends. Then her friends are going to turn around. And now I, you know, when someone will, because I still eat weird foods and when people look at them and I see the looks and then I see the girls go to tell her friends. And then I see the friends, I'll look over and they won't even know I'm looking at. And then they look at me. They all look at me and I go, what? Like I'll, I started to get confrontational because I'm like, you can. And now they do it because like, you know what it's like being famous. You know, it's the same thing as being famous. People think that you don't know that they are whispering about

you were getting their camera out, but that was what it felt like on campus for me. This isn't me being like, don't, don't body shame skinny girls. Like, they hurt too. But I think this notion that like people think that if you're skinny, sexy, pretty, that you don't have feeling. And I'm not speaking from her personal experience. But I'm saying that the assumption is like, oh, we're allowed to talk about, gossip about, whisper about because she essentially has what a lot of women wish they had, right?

that enviable body, the body that can fit into the sample sizes, you know, all that stuff. But it's a really strong point that while it's different than being obese, the notion of being under that scrutiny and having people judging you for something that you're essentially trying to work through with a tremendous amount of pain, that's a similar pain. Something you have no control over. Like I even see anorexic girls now because I'm so detached from being looking like that and struggling with an eating disorder. in that way where it shows up. I learned how to hide it for another 18 years and just like have a raging eating disorder and no one knew.

But the one that I had to wear, like people who are obese have to wear their food addiction or whatever might be causing it, the notion that people think they're choosing that. And I understand loving yourself and being like, I'm comfortable in my own skin, I wouldn't want to be anyone else. I get that.

But like the idea, they eat a cheeseburger or she, She wants to be thin. It's so different that, of course, I did want to be thin. That's how it all kind of started. I don't want to look like a skeleton. You know, that was, I was covering my body up. I was, it was me saying, don't look at me. I want to be invisible to men.

I don't want anyone to be sexually attracted to me. I don't want to get close to anyone. Anyone. And so when people go to, you know, overweight people just stop eating. You're out of control. They don't, I really now understand you don't have a chance. choice. If you could, you would. You know, people do that a lot. They go, oh, babe, have, oh, I need to take you out and

have, eat you with my friends. We'll show you how to eat. Like, like, I'm, eating for me when I was anorexic, people couldn't understand it. And that was the hardest part about it. Because when you have any other disease, people feel sorry for you. And they realize that you didn't bring, you didn't give yourself cancer. Even if you were a smoker or something, we have more compassion for people who have, you know, smoked for years and get lung cancer. than we do for people who are suffering with obesity or anorexia or whatever food addiction, because it seems like it's a choice. I truly felt like food was poison.

It was like asking me to eat a drink a cup of throw up or something. Like, I can't. Why would I ever, like, it was impossible. And I don't even know why at this point. So talk to me, because what you're describing is also a lot of kind of the, I don't say criticism, but a lot of the discussion around addiction, right? and I know you do have some experience, you've talked about it, you know, whether it's nicotine, whether it's alcohol, whether it's pot, whether it's, I mean, we've spoken to people who had heroin

habits, you know. There is this notion, you know, that like, well, just stop. And I'm wondering, you know, because a lot of the language you use to describe the way people view, you know, eating disorders, like it's a very similar language. Like the addicts I know, whether they're sober alcoholics or people who are still struggling, if they could stop, they, They would. It's usually at that, like it's fun, then it's fun with problems, and then it's just problems, right? It starts as fun.

So how do you, like, how do you view that in terms of other addictions? Not even for you, but happy for you to talk about your experience for other people. I love that, what you just said, because it is the same. People just, I remember being with someone when I got a news alert that some young star died of a heroin addiction. And I remember it was someone that I didn't even, wasn't even a fan of. didn't even watch whatever show he was on. But I just remember being like, ah, that is so fucking sad.

And the person I was with said, I don't feel bad for him at all. I don't feel bad for people who are drug addicts that they choose. And I just go, I just know that you would have been someone when I was anorexic that said, just eat, just eat. Like, you're choosing this. And he goes, I remember him being like, why do you have to make everything about you? And I'm like, it's, it just breaks my heart that you wouldn't. You're not.

And I get it. Like, I have compassion even for that person. now because they don't they've never they lack empathy which is something I had to learn late in life and understand that um just because I don't understand someone's choices doesn't mean that or I wouldn't do it in my shoes it doesn't mean that if I had their brain and their life experience I would do the exact same thing so with addiction though I I realize now like it's when I when I get upset with you know people in my life who are alcohol and return to it or pick up drugs again or just return to a guy who is abusive, anything like that. I just know that it's the only thing in the world that can soothe whatever it. That's the lesser of whatever the other thing is that they want to do. So for me, starving myself or smoking pot or all these things that I did were not me

choosing to do something bad. it was choosing something that was better than the other thing that I wanted to do. And sometimes the other thing is simply existing in your own head. You know, one of my favorite things that I've heard in the 12-step rooms is the problem is not the drinking. The problem is being sober, meaning having to exist without that as your crutch. And I've found that to be true for my own eating disorder. I've found it to be true when I talk to sober alcoholics and sober drug addicts. they say, that's not what you're, you're not chasing the high.

You're chasing not feeling like you feel now, right? And that's true of sugar. It's, I mean, it really is, right? It's, you know, I had a huge breakthrough. So I'm, I haven't smoked pot in over a month. It was just to the point where I really, I'm trying to pursue like a singing songwriting career, like, because stand-up comedy is just like, I just like, it's not scary to me anymore.

And I just, I'm motivated by things that are scary. And I think that was always, like, my goal. was to do that. I always wanted to be a singer-songwriter, but I had no skills for it. But now through the pandemic, I kind of started playing guitar and stuff. And I'm like, oh, actually,

if you practice something, you're good. I just didn't get encouragement early on. To go back to quickly about how I got into comedy, when I was at college and I had no friends, my first year went with no friends, went to University of Colorado, I looked so skinny and scary that I had to be funny.

I had to be larger than life for anyone to want to be friends. with me. I had to go like, look over here. Like, don't look at what I am. Like, I'm not sick. I'm so funny. And then people just started saying, you should be a stand-up comedian. And boy, I just needed any goddamn direction. And there was a showcase, a stand-up show on campus that they were like, sign up for it. My friend stole the flyer, brought it to my room and goes, you're doing this. And I was like, well, I guess no one else is because you stole the fucking flyer. But all right. So I signed up. I did it. I wrote jokes. I started watching Sarah Silverman. When I saw Sarah Silverman,

I go, we're done. This is what I want to be. You can be so, you can say all the darkest shit, because I had those thoughts. I've always had people go, why would you say that? I just disgusted with me, and I'd be like, never mind. So when I saw her, I just go, I'll be her. And that's who I tried to be for so many years. And kind of succeeded.

Like, that's how I got in the door was just like, like talking like this and like being like, have you ever thought about your abortion and how it's like kind of beautiful? Like I would just do her. even though I wasn't even having sex. I was talking about having sex before I was like when I was still virgin. I started comedy before I had sex. So that's how I discovered stand-up. But what you were saying about fuck, I want to get back to, oh, the eating disorder and stuff.

So, oh, this was the epiphany I had. So I was, I got my eating disorder really under control and stopped starving myself and having, you know, really being good about, you know, being very black and white about I have to have three meals a day no matter what because when I start starving myself then I binge like the binge I thought I was just a binger but turns out I was only binging because it was hungry because as a restrictor and anorexic I thought any amount of food that was like normal was like out of control so I always had to have less than everyone so um you know I just March 2020 moved back in with my parents in St. Louis 35 years old at the time and I was just like what the fuck is going, like, I'm living with my parents because I don't have a boyfriend.

All my friends have boyfriends. I want a boy. I want partnership. No one can be in my bed because there's rappers in it. Like, I was doing intermittent fasting, so I was just starving all day. Like, you know, acceptable anorexia. I was starving all day, starting to eat, I'd start eating at dinner time, couldn't, wouldn't stop.

I'd start eating at, like, the comedy clubs. I'd go out every night, do comedy. Start eating at the comedy cellar. Order, like, an insane amount of food there. very healthy salads, you know, Babi Ginoosh, like all lights of no oil, no bread, nothing, no cheese. I'm vegan. Although I'm vegan for like ethical reasons, it helps me. It does help.

It helps a lot of people with their eating disorders. Yeah. It's restriction. I mean, yeah. And then I would go home and I would eat protein bars all night long. I would fall asleep with them in my mouth. So I would wake up with eight to 15 wrappers in my bed of meal replacement bars. So, and then I wake up the next morning and go, got to do it all over again, starve.

all day and I'd be so sad. So I had to, I had to just fucking stop. And it was the hardest thing I've done. Honestly, I, you know, I've done a lot of, of, I thought I had been recovered from me eating store before, you know, I used to like never eat. So even starting eating wasn't as difficult as giving up my night binges. Because when you give up your night binges, that means you have to, there's one time where you either have to not eat through the night and you're hungry because you haven't eaten

all day. Or you have to start eating in the morning when you've eaten last night and you feel really guilty about it. So I just have to fucking bite the bullet. And you have to feel your feelings. Ugh. What? That came later and I didn't do it. I started smoking pot as soon as I started eating three meals a day. Right. So that's what I was, that's what I was going to say. I mean, we just, we all do. Like we move it around. We shift it around. It wasn't about the food. You're right. It wasn't about the food. So I started smoking a ton of pot. I started, you know, I went from, I quit drinking 10 years ago and then my food then I was bulimic and then I had to quit

doing bulimia because I was getting like mouth acne that I just couldn't stand so then I started starving, exercising exercising bulimia then smoking a ton of pot and then just recently I just got to the point with pot where I was like it's affecting my vocal cords

it smells I'm burning holes in everything it's gross I'm it's illegal many places that I go to I don't I would maybe want to be a mom someday I can't be smoking weed all day long, you know? And I had the excuse of it makes me funnier, it makes me more like think in a different way, it gives me energy. I'm more of like a, like, pot makes me like, like, excited and I want to clean and I want to like do stuff. Like it, it's like ADD meds for me.

And I, um, and I just recently, I've gone through like stages of like take a break and I always go back to it. But I think now I'm really fucking, I hope to be very done. I'm committed to like not doing it again and kind of putting it down in the same way I did with alcohol. Do you use a program? Do you use therapy? What do you like? I'm in a program for one of my things. So I use the structure of that one to help with the weed because it really is about, and this was the breakthrough I had literally two days ago. I'm very excited to see what you think about this because it's the feelings thing. I don't ever feel feelings. And I don't even know what that means when people tell me that.

Dr. Drew is a friend of mine and I remember him being like, you don't feel your feelings. You have to go to emotionally focused therapist that will just mirror your feelings back to you. Like their facial expressions will show you what your facial expression should be when you tell about your life. And I'm just like, but I cry like if I talk about something, I'll cry. But I need to get permission to get permission to cry. I need to text my friend and be like, would you cry about this? And they'll go, yeah, and I'll go. And suddenly a yes will give me permission.

So what was the epiphany? The epiphany was. the other day I was like, I want to, it's been a month. And I go, I want to smoke pot. I just like said it out loud. My roommate Andrew was like, he's my co-host on my podcast. And he goes, don't. And I go, I'm not going to.

I'm just saying like, there's something right now. There's a feeling right now that made me want to go reach for it. What is it? And I go, I don't know what it is. And then I was like, let's just, all of a sudden I go, wait a second, feelings can be a drug that I can get excited about. Like, there's something so boring about being sober to me or so like, you know, I was getting something from being high.

Like, it wasn't an escape. It was like, I was getting high. Like, music talented better, blah, blah, blah. I don't even know the drug of feelings. Like, what is that going to fucking be? It's almost like I get to now experiment, and I'm just micro-dosing with feelings because I can't go full in. I'm too scared of what will happen.

But I'm just like, you cut OD. That's the fear. And I don't know, you know, as, you know, programs speak, like feelings aren't going to kill you. Like you aren't gonna die from your feeling. So I don't feel like it will, but there's something terrifying about it. But now that I've reframed how I look at

when a feeling, when that desire to overeat or have the third bowl of cereal or whatever it is, I just kind of paused and was like, okay, so whatever, there's a drug that I could do right now that's just, I'm gonna get high on my own supply, which might be sad or, and I don't even know what it is. Sometimes I have to listen to music to Condor it or watch a dodo, uh,

Instagram video about a wingless bee that learns how to, I don't know, be a pet. There's certain things that, you know, octopus teacher, I'll throw that on to get some tears out. So good. But that that's, that's my new epiphany is that the feelings can be looked at as this wild ride that I get to now experience that I've ever, I've always been like, I don't want to do those. That's a bad job.

I think, I mean, you could just to kind of add to that concept. And I really relate. I think you probably do too. I think what you're describing is like awareness, like, being effing present. Like that's what it is. When you have a feeling and you want to drink it away, you know, sex it away, eat it away, it's being present in that and seeing what happens next.

It's very uncomfortable. I don't like it. We talk a lot about that our actions are being driven most of the time by these reactions and that pausing for just a second to be like, oh, wait a second. I want to do smoke weed, eat this, do that. But there's something underneath it. Like that is the core. of having self-determination

so that you're not in a constant reactive state. Yeah, but I also, I'm not going to say that I don't envy people who are just like, I want to have three drinks tonight, and it's not an issue. As opposed to like, oh, like in the times in my life that I've been single, which we're coupled, but in the times of my life when I've been single where it's like, I don't think I like this person,

but if I had two drinks, I would probably end up having sex with them. And like, that seems messed up. But then as I talk to more and more people who are normal, they're like, oh, that's the way most people. Like, that's what a date is for a lot of people is you go to a bar and you don't know if they're an alcoholic and you each have a bunch of, everybody's more attractive. Like, or you get stoned or whatever it is. And then it's like you just end up having sex. And I think it's like what you said. It's like if you're not a person who wants to be in, let's say, like a monogamous committed relationship, it's very hard to, to,

imagine having sex with all those different people and being sober. Like, people don't do it. People don't do it. Okay, but when I stopped drinking. I just realized this and I'm yesterday, year old. It's wild. I know that was the big, that was the epiphany for me. I sometimes say on stage, I go, I don't drink.

And, you know, when I quit drinking almost 10 years ago, that was the first thing that came up was like, I'm not hooking up anymore. What happened to my sex life? Because that's all. And I didn't know they were so correlated. Of course I knew that I like, to drink in order to like get comfortable enough to have sex,

but I didn't know it was dependent on it. And I would pull the audience, I'd go, guys, I don't drink so I haven't had sex, like I've quit drinking four years ago, haven't had sex with someone new since then. And I go, who in the audience has had sex for the first time with someone sober? How many people?

And it's maybe one and they're Mormon. It never, there's never, no one has sex for the first time without drinking. It is so off. And that's what I'm talking about, That's why sex is fucking fascinating because we all want to do it. We all get naked and go like, we all make gross noises. Our faces look disgusting.

Our fluid comes out of us. And hours before we were at a fucking dinner with the person acting our best selves and talking about our siblings. And now we're like grunting and sweating and making gross noises. To get from point A to point B within two hours, how would you do that without the assistance of something? It's so strange. Because we shouldn't be doing that in. unless you want to do it without alcohol.

That's what you realize. The thing is, I'm not wrong for not having sex without alcohol. It should take more than a couple, it should take more than one meeting with a guy before I'm comfortable enough for him to put his penis inside me. Because let's talk about another fucking drug. I mean, that's the biggest thing. I do not have penis and vagina sex with any man

unless they are to be my husband. And I mean that not like they are my husband or that I'm engaged, but they are someone that I deeply, deeply trust and no is not going to abandon me because that's another thing. Dick in my puss as women don't understand

the, you get addicted to men when they're inside you in ways that men, some men get the same effects. They also feel that. But the bonding for women, even women that are very like, I can fuck and not get attached. You can't hack your fucking brain

that makes you, you get, did you know that we have, I think it's like 12 times the amount of dopamine gets released for us to have an orgasm as for a man too? So like the intensity with which our brain lights up when we have a penis inside us and let's say they make us come. There's actually really, there's really interesting studies about this because with all due respect to the female body, which is amazing and wonderful, you don't have to have an orgasm to get pregnant. Now there are all these studies of like, oh, if you have an orgasm, like, the likelihood is a little like significantly higher. It sucks it up. Yeah. Right. And so then they're like, oh, it's because if the man took the time

to figure out how to find this ridiculous spot that God put in a very strange place inside, then he has invested enough time. So maybe you think that you should like have more lubricants so that the sperm will be happier. It doesn't always work like that. So there's a very, there's a specialness to that notion of female orgasm because it's like, whoa, this didn't even have to happen. Yes. And it did. And when it's, oh, when it does. But you're right, it doesn't even have to happen. A man just, I have fallen in love with the biggest, because I had a whole bit about this in banging where it's like, I knew that I was getting attached to men that I had sex with who I liked. So I started picking men that I was just like, I'm not going to fall in love with a guy who wears jewelry, like who puts on necklaces every day.

So I'd fall on, so I'd go, I'll have sex with him. Well, one time I'm like, I love his necklace and I want to be with him forever. And I would imagine the scenario in which we like share a necklace rack. And it's like, and you can't help yourself. And this was, I'm reading this book right now called Cupid's Poisoned Arrow about the male orgasm, female and male orgasm, and how the male orgasm, which I've always found. And I'm exploring this in my stand-up too, because I want women to know that no matter cognitively, if you were going into something and going, I'm not going to get attached, you don't get to really choose. Your body, we, our brains have been pressing remind me tomorrow. on the system update of our brains for thousands of years.

So we haven't updated to monogamy. This was fascinating. And I wonder if the science actually checks out on this, but it was in this book about how the male orgasm is what really makes our relationships so fraught. And why do two people who are best friends who live together, who aren't having sex, can have long relationships where they never hate each other?

Why is it that two people that... It's always sex. It's always sex. And the problem is the male orgasm, because the male orgasm makes men not want the thing that they just fucked because back when we were just trying to fuck, men had to fuck everything. We lived in tribes.

So we had to make as many babies as possible because the winter's going to come. Babies don't even fucking live. Like one in a hundred babies even lives. So they got to spread their seed. A man after he comes, everything in his body is saying, get away. Don't come in this thing again.

Move away. You can't come twice. You can't get something pregnant twice, right? Like more sperm isn't going to. question. Just because like I want to acknowledge like this is a pretty heteronormative conversation. In that we're talking about like penis, vagina, assigned male at birth, assigned female at birth. Yes. What I've found with people that I know in my life who are, who are gay, who are bisexual, there still exists this dynamic. It may not be as like binary as people would like it to be. Like, oh, in a female, female relationship or a vagina, vagina,

gender relationship. Like, oh, this one's always like this and that one's always like that. But what my experience has been from talking to people is like there's always this kind of dynamic also. So even if you remove kind of male orgasm from it, there's still gender differences in attachment even among people of the same assigned sex. Do you know what I'm saying? I think there's also one other thing, which is that when you're in an intimate relationship and there's physical closeness, whether you take sex away or not, that's different than a roommate situation. And roommates are independent of each other, even when they're sort of a mesh.

Whereas in that intimate bonding of a relationship, issues get brought up in a way that they don't. And so then we look to that other person to either solve the issue or we get angry at them for bringing up the issue. And like, we have this level of mirror reflection. But sex brings attachment in a different way. Sex amplifies all of that. I'm just saying that even if even if you were to prolong periods of like celibacy, you.

in a romantic relationship where there's physical touch and partnership, you're going to bring up those rough edges, as Timber Hockey had said, that need to get smooth, and that really only happens when you're like, oh, my life, you know, you have that trapped feeling. Yes. It's, oh, my God, that fight we're having right now is going to be the same fight we're going to have tomorrow

and the next day and like that. Not if you solve it right the first time. Yes. What I know from reading this about the male orgasm is that, They, because I just felt this over and over. I mean, I was talking about this in my stand-up for years before I read this fucking book about how when a man, a man would be so into me and wanting to meet my roommates, wanting to hang those pictures for me tomorrow.

Oh, yeah. I'm talking about the future. And then I have sex with him because that's all he wants to do. And I put it off because I don't want to seem like I'm too easy. And, you know, even though I want to, I've just like, I've given it a little bit more time until I trust him a little bit more. And then I go, you know what, this is a sure thing. This guy has shown that he's really like,

like I don't have any kind of guarantee of commitment, but he is really interested in me. And then he comes, and there's just a vibe that he just doesn't like me that much anymore. And it's like, you know, when you're really hungry before a meal and then you eat it, and you're like, I can't imagine not being hungry. And then you eat it and you eat so much

that it literally makes you want to vomit, looking at it. This thing that you once thought, there's no way that's, I'm drooling thinking about it. And I feel that repulsion from men after sex and it scares the fuck out of me. And now it's radical idea. Maybe you're not good at sex.

No, it's not that. It's not that. I am very good. But yes. I mean, I've gotten better. But I just, now I'm totally terrified of letting guys inside me. And so I have like every other kind of, it's really weird. Like, I'm hooking up right now.

I will do everything else, like everything else. I get it. Except. But it's so. while to be like, and I'm not kidding you, it's working so fucking well. This guy that I have been with sexually in every way before years ago, I reestablish our relationship, but I go, no, that hole's for my husband. And he's like, what? And I'm like, it's for my husband. I'm saving myself for that hole. So anything else. And he's just like, and I have never had someone so sexually into me,

never failing to like, like, thinks I'm so beautiful. Even when I look like Charlie's Narrowman and Monster, like I'm testing how gross I can look around him. And he's, still like, you're just so beautiful. And it's like there's something about not letting them have what they want that like, I don't know. I hate that these little tricks seem to work, but they do. And also, do you think there's anything to the fact that like, you know, when they look at guys and female and male brains after orgasm or during orgasm,

they light up like they're doing whippets, you know? Like, would you hurt someone to do whippets every day, girl? Get it. Just do it at whenever you want. you know, take back your sexual, like, no one would encourage someone to do whippets every single day yet. I think we're having too many orgasms. Or have whippets with strangers.

I remember when I got divorced, people were like, you can have sex with whoever you want. I'm like, really? I, all of a sudden, I'm supposed to change everything else about me that wants, like, a connection or like some attachment or a commitment. No, just do it anywhere. I was like, no, that doesn't.

And honestly, I felt really out of it because I hadn't dated. since there weren't even cell phones. Like, I didn't even know how people got here. I was like, do, is there a bulletin board where I post what things I'm interested in? Oh, my God. No, it's a different world. I was like, men trim their body hair? What happened since 1990?

Wow. Anyway, you have many fun things that you're working on. Tell us more about what you're doing just so people can find your stuff. Yes. So I do a daily podcast called the Nikki Glazer podcast. It's every day. It's kind of like a morning radio show. You can come in whenever you want.

It's me and my roommate, Andrew, who I'm not having sex with, who is my best friend. No, it's, we keep that. We're like when Harry Metzelli, but, like, truly there's just, it ain't going to happen. I'll have sex with him. That's what will happen. Yes, please. No, he has a great girl. Thank God.

Because I always wondered that. I was like, do I actually love him? And it's going to, because everyone goes, you love him, Nikki. We know it because we're best friends. And then he got a girlfriend and no jealousy. like I love it like that's how you test you know so um we we wake up every morning and just like go into this room and and do a podcast out of our third bedroom and uh it's it's every morning people fucking love it i'm very honest talk about all mental health stuff every day like i cry on it

it's really funny he's hilarious we just like it's just great it's called the nicky laser podcast and then i'm also on a stand-up tour right now um with so many cities i don't think it's ever going to end and you can get tickets at nicky glazer dot com And then do you want to talk about your show also? Yeah, I mean, F-Boy Island is available on HBO Max. All 10 episodes are out, and it was the best time of my life. Where did you film it? I mean, the Cayman Islands from February until, like, April.

And so I don't even know where that is. That sounds amazing. It's like right past Cuba, I think, over Cuba underneath it. And it was awesome. Yeah, that's where everyone goes to. hide their money. Yes, that's what they're known for. And went down there during, like, when it was like very COVID here in February, they had no COVID there. So I went down, quarantined for two weeks in a hotel room, and then we got to shoot

a show with no COVID. It was awesome. And then the show wrapped, and I just stayed down there until I had to come back here for something because I was like, I love, and I loved being on. Is mental health easier when you're there? You know, yes, because you get wrapped up in a reality show, like the bubble of a reality show. like the bubble of a reality show of like this is happening now this is all that matters you know it's we don't know where it's going to go there's no scripts like we're all immersed i've been on like dancing with the stars before and loved that experience because it's it's it's like it's almost like being on a drug like you there's no world outside of it it is the most important thing and it's like

summer camp because all these people are invested in at the same time and it's you're just on an island so it was it was the best and uh and i love reality and i love reality shows like that. So being the host of a new one where we were kind of like flying by the seat of our pants was just, it was the best. Call back to the dentist's chair. Do you, have you ever had a weighted blanket? Do you use those now? My friend gave me one as a gift and it was, I was like, do you hate me? Because this is the heaviest thing that I now have to take around. I love it. I love it. They're so heavy though. And I was just like, I remember getting the package from the first floor and I had to walk up four floors. I'm like, I hate you, Pete. What the fuck is this? No, you know what I do like about them? I did give it up because it's just, I didn't even, I'm living alone. I didn't have anyone to put it on me and I just needed to be like tucked in or something.

I, I sleep on my stomach so I like that pressure of like my chest being compacted. But it allows people that like to sleep on their stomach to sleep on their back and have that same feeling. And so I'll probably get another one because I didn't, I didn't really, you love yours? I'll text you, yeah. You really? Okay, okay. Oh, I have a lot of opinions. And I've tried out many. Okay.

Oh, good. Maybe I had the wrong one. I want it real heavy. I love when people sit on me. Oh, my God. I used to just do that as a kid. I'd be like, Mom, will you sit on me? She'd be like, what?

I just love a good, like, just pressure. And so the hump corner is just Nikki. It's just like a sit corner. Whereas they just come and they sit on you. Yes. Very, not kinky at all. No, no. No, it's very kosher.

Very kosher. Okay. We have a rapid fire that I'm going to do. The only problem is that the list is actually on all of the devices that we're using to record. So I'm just going to do it for a, memory and see what happens. Let's do it. Rapid fire with Nikki Glazer. What was your mother right about? She was right about. She told me, don't give away your sex. And I thought that was a weird

way to say it, but she was right. And also the world is dangerous. Yes, and everything. And if you go to the river, you will die. What was your father right about? I used to be really scared of nuclear war. I couldn't sleep for like weeks and weeks. I was an insomniac because I was so scared a button could be push and my body would become a skeleton and all my friends would have like sores on their face and we would have no electricity. I saw the movie the day after tomorrow too early in life in eighth grade. I became obsessed with nuclear war and I remember I couldn't sleep. I would always sleep on their bedroom floor. They were about to like take me to a specialist and one day I went into their bedroom and I was like dad I can't sleep and they were like what? I go it's just like nuclear war. Like so we could push a button and

we could evaporate and he was like there's nothing you can do about it. There's literally nothing and I was just, I just shut the door and like, I was able to sleep again. And that, that's kind of like, I was talking about on my podcast today, but that's, I found God recently. And that's what God gives me is the ability to not feel responsible for fucking everything and feel like I can control anything. Like, I don't, my dad was right. I don't have control. Here's a good question. Where was God that you found God? God was in the concept of no free will, a book that I read by Sam Harris. For me, that was, that was, there was God. And in, In, you know, 12-step programs.

That's where he was, she, it was lurking. Yes, they. Some people say, God is always there. We just need to turn. Yes. Yes. What is the place for you that promotes your best mental wellness? That would be around best friends from high school that, you know, just make me laugh.

Yeah. Yeah, just be around my friends that love me unconditionally and I want nothing from and they want nothing from me. Yeah. Awesome. Who are you most? competitive with? Honestly, now I'm so happy to report myself. Like I just I used to have to mute people that would make me jealous and and avoid watching certain things because I was so competitive with other, especially women in stand-up. And now I just look back, I have enough of potato specials

behind me that I go, okay, I would like to be as good as this one. And so now it's just, now myself. But even that's a recipe for disaster. So the great answer would be no one, but it's myself and Taylor Swift. Do you have a mantra or if you had one, what would it be? Mine is you're strong, you're prepared, this is easy. It's the thing I said to myself when I got injured on Dancing with the Stars. Someone gave it to me that works with gymnasts who get injured and have to perform. I was really injured on Dancing with the Stars.

She was like, just say it to yourself a million times. I'm strong, I'm prepared, this is easy. And my injury healed in time for me. Like, it stopped hurting. And it was a fucking, it was torn. It was crazy. So I guess that's my mantra. And also, we're going to die.

So who cares? That kind of thing. That brings me peace. Who's been your best spiritual teacher? Probably, like, animals. Honestly, like, my dogs. That's such a stupid answer, but, like, the octopus teacher I watched the other night, like cute animals that teach me, they just make me feel so close to things that I could feel

so far away from and make me feel insignificant and significant at the same time. So I think, like, just my, like, animals. animals. Awesome. And last question. What's been your moment of best intuition? Well, I was wrong, but I thought I was going to be murdered once, and I made a huge scene because I was just like, I'm not going to be one of these girls that like, she got murdered because she was being nice and didn't want to cause a scene. And I was wrong, but I still feel right. And I would, I would, I would, I would, I would, I would, I just, I always like to pass that along because I think if you really dug deep about so many women and men who have been murdered, it's, they didn't, they go,

this guy is weird and giving me the weird vibes, but I don't want to be rude. And it's like a lot of the Dahmer stuff, a lot of Ted Bundy things were like, he gave me the Willies, but like, I just like felt bad for him and he needed help finding his dog. And it's like, or I didn't want to seem this way.

So I stayed on that side of the street. And like, I just, I will trust my instinct and make a really strange display that I have to explain to people later on. But yeah, I've behaved. really ridiculously because I just go, I thought I was going to be raped. I'm sorry. And they're like, what?

That's amazing because when people would ask why I wouldn't leave my kids, whatever, at home, so I could like go have therapy or go have drinks. Like when they were younger, I'd be like, until they're the age, that if something were to happen, they would scream bloody murder. Like, you know, when kids are a certain age,

they'll be like, or if you take them out somewhere and you let them go to a public restroom. And like a dude or a woman, you know, comes up. And if your kid is young enough to be, like, I don't know, should I be nice to this woman? She said that she's, you know, this dude says he knows my parents. Until they're old enough to be like, fuck you! Yes.

And they don't go to a public restroom by themselves. I don't leave them alone, not for a second. Wow. And so many people never reach that age. So many people just, like, your instincts of fear are right. You have those for reason, you know, so use them. Nikki Glazer, you are, you're so much fun. You're so interesting.

Likewise. You're so open. I mean, there's a million other things I wanted to. to ask you about, like, how it is that you talk about all the things that you do with such, like, hilarity and awesomeness. But you were just so much fun. And thank you for sharing so much of your journey. Oh, my God.

Thank you. It is a joy to talk to you guys. And thank you for this podcast that allows people to talk freely about this stuff and dig in there. So I'd love to come back anytime. I had a really, truly fun time. We would love to hear. We want, like, a 30-day update on pot. Every 30 days we want to check this.

Yes. Well, the thing is, You know what? You said, where's your safe space? Podcasting with people I trust. Like, I feel like this is my safest place where I'm like, I know people are listening that are ready to hear this stuff. And this is where I can make the most change.

Like, I'm tired of just, you know, I'm trying to think about, you know, transitioning out of stand-up because I'm tired of just everything having to be a fucking joke because it's such a defense mechanism. And there's a way to use comedy to, like, cope with things. But there's a different. Coping and, you know, denial are very, They're kind of the same.

Like I can use everything I say has to be like, but I'm just like tired of cutting the tension. You know, it's like Nanette. You know, I'm tired of cutting the tension and letting everyone off the hook. Like sometimes you just got to talk about heavy stuff. But so I appreciate you letting me do that. One more, Nikki, just because you kind of led me there, which is that, you know, you've played whackamol with different expressions of whatever we call, you know, our inner shit. and there are a lot of our listeners they write in quite a bit who are dealing with very similar situations in the way that you've you know you had expressions of that trying to deal with that stuff do you have anything that you would be like if someone's you know 10 years ago to niki or someone who's in that similar experience like do you have any advice like and myam says all the time this isn't a podcast of like oh we figured it out right we're like we're figuring it out we're dealing with it we're trying to find whatever's driving us to Thank you for this question because I do like I just I would I would have felt like I did I really want to share this one because this there's two can I share two actually that like just two things that like I go to constantly that hacked it for me one recently that I read and that's what you know putting down the substance that you think is the only reason you enjoy life I mean I want to be honest with you I eating in bed was the only time only thing I looked forward to not stand up not hanging with my friends not my dogs the

only thing I liked was when I got to finally eat after starving. So for me to put that down was so hard. I was crying because I kept waiting for it to be something I wanted to do. You know, I kept wanting to hit this bottom that I had heard about where it's like, this is going to be, I can't wait to put it down. You, it's never, that's never going to happen. It's always going to be hard. And I think that so many people wait for, they look at other people who have quit things and they go, oh, they reached a point where they just couldn't do it anymore and they didn't want to do it anymore. You're never going to reach that point.

It's always going to be hard. And I swear to God, it's going to be hard for just a little bit. You know, it will get easier, but it's going to be fucking hard. But don't wait until you want to do it because it's never going to happen. I kept waiting when do I going to want to give up my gum addiction. I mean, I went from, you know, eating three meals a day and then I just started chewing gum incessantly. I was like up to three packs a day like a smoker, you know?

And I put that down and I go, I just want to get to a point where gum makes me sick. It's not, I'm not going to yager myself with gum. Like I'm never, I just had to try it. You just got to trust and try it. And then the other thing that really helped me with my eating disorder is not beating myself up about the little failures along the way. The, you know, and it helped me reach a point where I was able to smoke pot. I was very shameful about pot. Every time I would reach for it, I would go, you fucking failure.

Like you did it again. you couldn't get through the day. And guess it would always lead me to smoking more pot. And I couldn't really put those two together until I heard this really great anecdote and in a kind of therapy type session from someone. But they said, you know, they have a problem with binging and especially sugar. And they were driving home. They had got cookies for some kind of event the next day.

Maybe their kids were having a party or something. Cookies that they were allowed to have some of, but they were saving it for the next day. And they're in the front seat and she's driving home. And as we do, you start going through the bags. like, I'll have one, right? One turns into two, turns into three. And then she had done the whole row of cookies. Let's say it's a thing of Oreos, the whole first row.

And she was just like, fuck! I was supposed to have one. I had fucking eight or whatever. Is that like, I'm such a fucking fat loser. I'm not even going to work out today. I don't deserve this. I ate cookies yesterday. All these things.

And that amount of stress that you're putting on yourself about that row of cookies, what are you going to do to calm down that stress? You have nothing else except the cookies. So then she finishes the rest of the cookies because of the beating up of the first row. Whereas if she would have just been like, well, you needed those fucking cookies. That was a little bit more than you wanted. But, you know, well, you had them and that's life. You must have been struggling.

If you were just, you don't have to be like, you deserve those cookies, girl. Get it, girl. You love your, do you don't want to lie to yourself, just go, well, well, that was a little bit more than I planned. gentleness. I never thought being gentle with myself would actually help. I always thought it was just bullshit people said. You know, these things you hear about talk to yourself in the mirror, tell yourself you're beautiful, positive affirmations. I could never do them because they felt, they were lies. But now when I look in the mirror and I go, ugh, when I make that face, it's just, you know, sometimes it's just what I do. I was born to just look in the mirror and go,

I'll just go, that's so funny you said, ugh, what are you ucking? And maybe some days I look like, I look a little bit more like a man than I want to. Like that's not my goal is to look more masculine. Some days I'm just like you look like a yoga instructor named Jesper today. Like you look like a dude with long hair who's just like a fun freewheeling dude. And I just go, you look like a dude today. Or your eyes are puffy today. It's not going to be forever.

Maybe it will be. But like, well, I just kind of laugh about it. Not in a cruel way, but I just go. And that cookie analogy, though, I hope it helps people because I just. Just I never put two and two together that the way you beat yourself up for the first, tiniest transgression leads to so much more of the same than if you were to just, the first time you want to beat yourself up, don't change it and go, no, you're beautiful.

Just be a little bit nicer than you would be. Just laugh about it. And you won't eat the whole bag, maybe. And I feel like that's, that's, those are the two things that I feel like I go to again and again that I wish I would have known sooner. That's awesome. So thanks for letting me do that. Thank you so much.

Love you guys. Thank you so much. That's my favorite kind of guest. The kind that literally holds... She held back nothing. She's an open book, that one. I mean, she's also, she's just... She's such a great speaker, but she also spoke about

some of the hardest things you can talk about. I mean, I'm happy for anyone to share whatever they want with us, but to have someone share so many aspects of eating disorders, of depression in a way that I don't usually hear them spoken about, I think is really, it is magnanimous. I mean, it's a, it is an act of generosity. Like she said, to be able to impact people is really, really powerful. I just, I like her very

much. And a lot of people might say, like, her comedy's gross. Okay, you don't have to like it. I mean, as she said, you don't have to like everything that people do. I just, I want to hear her first comedy set in that stand up in that show, in that like little. When she was doing jokes about sex, with not even having sex? She did a pretty good Sarah Silverman impression. She does a really good... I didn't realize her connection... was like, I want to be Sarah Silverman.

I want to know more about her not understanding emotion. Oh. She described it like she gets... She has to call a friend and is like, this situation, is it like rationally reasonable to happen?

Yeah. So there's like a disconnection. And I wonder where that comes from and, you know, not to psychoanalyze her, but, you know, she talked about her parents being like, like very dismissive of her experience. Like she was really scared concern and they were like,

just get over it. Don't be ridiculous. Blub, blah, blood. Do you, at that age, a certain age,

do you begin to like just sort of shut down your natural emotional response? I'm, first of all, obviously that's not an answerable question, but I'm just. No, no, it's not for me to know,

but I also think we should be careful about being like, well, her parents were this way and that's why she's that way. Because, oh, I'm only basing this off one story. I was like total generality. I think,

you know, obviously she said her parents were less strict, you know, or less protective with her sister. But, you know, people will react differently to that. Some people might have parents like that and be like, I'm going to do everything. You know, like it's so variable. And that's like just the amazingness of the human experience.

But yes, I do think that it's a cautionary tale, you know, for all of us, that if you hold on to something very, very tightly, yeah, it can create a lot of fear in what you're holding on to. and what that might look like is someone who doesn't trust her feelings. And instead, it feels better to not have them, you know, ultimately. And you might say like, oh, well, she can start her eating disorder until college. But as she said, like, it was something that was, like, whatever it was there and she found a way to make it feel better or to kind of distract herself away from it. But I would argue that just like she said, most everybody is getting drunk and having sex,

which again, I learned yesterday, I would argue that a lot of people have this experience with their feelings. And, I mean, I would also argue that this is one of the most fundamental problems regarding mental health that we have as a species is that we don't know how to have feelings, process, name them. And it used to be that you could just dismiss that and be like, oh, that's for hippies. That's for really, really messed up people who have to go to therapy.

Guess what people? I think if COVID didn't teach it to you, the lessons coming at some point, this is a universal problem. It's not a universal problem. It's a universal condition. We are not, we were not designed to live in technologically complicated cities. We were not designed that way. We're wired to adapt. But all of the things that come with this experience, we would not be experiencing in the berry picking and hunting days.

What she said about, we've been pressing the. Oh, remind me later. Remind me tomorrow button for the upgrade to our brains. She said that about women, I think, yeah. But all of society, and we have not. She also said men are dumb, and I feel bad saying that. We have not been taught our standard emotional language, standard processing, how to make sense of our experience, what she talked about at the end, about the inner narratives that we all have.

No one, very few of us have been taught how to change our narrative. of and going back to sort of like what we're taught in the home and then how does that impact how much we feel. I definitely had an experience and you know my parents it's not that they dismissed emotion but they were rational logical people. They're from a very different era of parenting and a very different era of parenting and you know sometimes their approach was like you have a problem you look at that problem you evaluate the severity and that has taught me amazing skills in many aspects of my life, but it didn't teach me how to dive into my emotional world in a rich way and sort of feel something, not assigned judgment or labeling to it and just allow it to pass.

No, those things. That's a whole different skill set. Well, and I think also like it's another sort of, you know, cautionary tale that that we got to, you know, sort of hear about sometimes love and fear can feel like the same thing. And especially when you become a parent, you know, and I can speak to this specifically as someone with OCD and someone who studied OCD is like part of my thesis. There is a normal exaggeration of caution when you have a baby, meaning there's a hormonal process that happens by which you become more vigilant. Your reflexes get faster and sharper because like literally think state of nature. And a lot of women start having fears of like, oh my God, what if? Like, what if in the middle of the night?

You know, all those things. And that's nature's way of saying, pay attention, be vigilant, stay on task, keep that thing alive, right? But what happens is that's how we're primed, but those things can get out of whack depending on variability in your natural hormonal distribution, depending on did you have trauma, were you abused? Is there something in your system that makes you more primed, right? So usually that will subside. You know, it's a very acute thing when you feel like, or at least for me, like I can't. think of anything besides like, is this going to die? You know, and that's, quote, normal. I mean, you likely have support, hopefully, around you. But that notion of, is something going to die,

should not be our state of functioning, you know, meaning it's not ideal, you know, for that to be our state of functioning. And some children are more fearful than others. I have very cautious children. Apparently, my ex-husband, their dad, was like that too. But people also love to assume that because I was an attachment parent person, I must have created these fearful children because I was always standing over them. Like, don't do that. I'm actually the opposite. Like, go take your sandwich and run with it. Eat, chew. Like, whatever happened. Just don't go to a public bathroom. Just don't go to a public bathroom. No, but I think that's also something to realize that, like, that's epigenetics. Our fear can get placed on that. So can our recklessness.

You know, I'm not saying I'm reckless, but some might say. Speaking of recklessness, let's do an ask my name anything. That was not the best segue. Ask my am anything. Yeah. Don J. asks, I'm a picky eater, and I always have been. Is there neuroscience involved in my experience of flavor and is it different than other people's? Don, thank you for your question. You know, picky eaters, there's a lot of reasons that people are picky eaters. What are some of the reasons you think people are picky eaters? I mean, I knew, I had a very good friend who up until he was 18, didn't eat a vegetable. And like he ate McDonald's four, three times a week plus or more.

So what's a picky eater? And then he like, he was like the picky. We used to tease him. Okay. So what, why do you think people are picky eaters? I think it's comfort food. I think it's training. I think it's what they've been exposed to.

Okay. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, there's not like a right or wrong answer. I mean, sometimes I think of like there's people who are really, really persnickety in general. Yeah. And sometimes they're picky eaters.

Like, I had a friend she was in junior high, very meticulous. Like, just like everything had to be just so. And like the socks had to be folded and like didn't like if a guy like had like, you know, a hair out of like. That was just her personality. That sounds like an extreme case. Okay. But what I'm saying is sometimes people are picky eaters just because they're picky people. Like they have stronger opinions about things than other people.

Yeah. sometimes people are picky eaters because they don't like the physical consistency of certain foods. Like, do I know what your brain scan would look like if you're that person? No, I can't eat mushy foods. Like, I cannot eat mushroom. I can't. I just even thinking about it makes me feel yicky. It's literally the consistency.

I don't mind the flavor so much. But there's certain foods that the consistency is like that. Another reason that sometimes people are picky eaters, this is a great one that I learned. is not magic. My younger son had a lot of food sensitivities just through breast milk. And that is a thing. I'm a lactation educator counselor. I promise it's a thing. And I came to find out there were certain foods that like when I started feeding him like, why won't he eat this? Like come on. He was allergic to soy. So he was and and of course like all the energy and holistic people like he knew. His body knew. And I was like, you know what? Maybe he did. That child would not eat

soy. And I was preparing it in ways that are like other things. I mean, like not, you know, so sometimes people are picky eaters because there's an actual allergy. Can I explain why your body may know it and you don't know? But like, it's not my job right now to do that. Then there are people in terms of, I don't know if it's the neuroscience, but in terms of the science, there are people who have unusual differences in how they perceive taste and food. I don't know enough about that. But if you are concerned that you're eating is beyond kind of a normal stage of picky. I would absolutely speak to a doctor about it. In addition, and I'm not saying you have an eating disorder, but sometimes there's food aversions that might be related to the things that certain foods do to you. Like Jonathan mentioned

comfort food. Some people may really like fatty carbby food because it chemically releases chemicals that feel better to you than vegetables or things that don't release those comfort. there's a really interesting, really interesting profile to why people eat the way they do. And shout out to a lot of people thinking about taste and smell differently because one of the symptoms of COVID is a loss of taste. And I mean, I've spoken to friends who have had COVID, who were vaccinated, just saying, there are breakthrough cases. And what they said is it is the most bizarre experience to not be able to taste. Like, it doesn't really matter what you're eating. But it kind of does.

Anyway, I hope that answers your question. Probably answers other questions that you weren't asking. But thank you, Don. And you too can ask MiamiM anything at Biolkratown.com. Thank you to everyone who has submitted a question or who is thinking about submitting a question and other ways you can support the show you're asking. Subscribe to the YouTube channel.

Do that. Hit the little bell icon, then you'll know when we release something. I think we're done here. From our breakdown to the one we hope you never have. We'll see you next time. It's Miami-Bi-Ollix Breakdown. She's going to break it.

down for you she's got a neuroscience phd or two one fiction one now she's gonna break down so break down she's gonna break it down she's gonna break it down