Mayim Bialik's Breakdown - Top 5 Ways to Improve Any Relationship & Why Saying "I Don’t Know" Will Transform Your Life!

Episode Date: August 15, 2024

Top 5 Secrets to SUPERCHARGE ANY Relationship!   Mayim and Jonathan are breaking down Game-Changing Tips to elevate any connection to the next level, romantic or otherwise!   They’re diving deep into what defines a healthy relationship, why it's tougher than ever to find, cultivate, and maintain a healthy relationship, & how to overcome the hurdles that are blocking your path.   Find out why pushing through tough times can be worth it, discover the mental and physical benefits of strong relationships, and learn why active listening & curiosity are pivotal!   We're also uncovering the hidden barriers that might be sabotaging your communication, from the truth about energy vampires that drain your relationships to becoming more present by removing urgency from life's daily distractions. Plus, get practical steps to embrace vulnerability and learn why saying “I don’t know” might be your new secret weapon!   Mayim and Jonathan also demonstrate communication hacks like the power of “I” statements, the "mirroring" technique from Imago therapy, and how to properly apologize when you’ve done something wrong.   TUNE IN to MBB now to transform your relationships like never before!   BialikBreakdown.com YouTube.com/mayimbialik Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

One of the most vulnerable things that you can say is three words. Well, one's a contraction. The tech completes. I'm hungry. No. I don't know. I don't know doesn't mean I'm never going to know. That usually means you need to gather more information.

And that information may be internal. It may be external. Even if you are a boss, it's okay to say, I don't know. I think this is what a lot of us are lacking, especially when we work for someone. We have this notion that they're always right or they're always right. or they're always going to have one up on us. And in many work relationships, bosses feel the need to make that true. I think it's damaging in a class system like we live in.

Part of this vulnerability does come from being curious about what are the things that I still don't know. What are the issues that I still need to work on? What did I do in a previous relationship that I seem to be repeating again? Why is it not working? It's really the only place where growth can come from. It's my and biologics break down. She's going to break it down. for you

because you know she knows a thing or two. And now she's going to break... Hi, I'm I. Mialik. And I'm Jonathan Cohen. And welcome to our Thursday breakdown. It's good to be here, Ma'am. It's so broken down.

It's just the two of us. We're going to have a great time. We're also going to help people drastically improve their lives. And when I say drastically, I'm not over-emphasizing. This is a very important episode. We're going to talk about five ways to improve

any relationship, any, not just romantic ones, because there's plenty of those lists, like bring flowers and chocolate. That's not what we're doing here. We're talking about five things that you may not have realized can be absolute game changers to improve any relationship. And why is this so important? I don't think people really understand that improving the quality of their relationships will really, really, really improve their lives. A lot of the things that I see in the world are about how. how to improve your romantic relationship. And that's really important.

But what I've noticed is that so many components of what you need for a romantic relationship in order to define it as healthy, you actually need for non-romantic relationships as well. Like there's a huge overlap there, meaning you can't just be like, have all the sex, bring me flowers and chocolate. Like, that's not actually what makes a healthy romantic relationship, nor is it what makes a healthy work relationship. I mean, it depends on your work, I guess. Also, that's a lot of advice for only a select group of people who are in romantic relationships.

People have a lot of other relationships that are not romantic that are also probably struggling. So let's start with, Jonathan, can you define, I don't want to use the word even. Can you even define what a healthy relationship is? I'm literally asking. What is the goal here? That's what we're asking. What is the goal of doing all this work? I would say someone you enjoy spending time with.

Okay. Someone who you feel heard by or listened to, someone who you can reciprocate that with, someone also who you have fun with. And maybe if there are misunderstandings and miscommunication, you can navigate those easily. Probably also someone who you feel energized and excited to talk to,

versus feeling like it's an obligation or you know what they say about energy vampires. You don't want any of those. You just went straight for that. Is this your way of telling me I'm an energy vampire? Depends if you've slept well. Is that really what this episode's about, Jonathan?

Next episode, next Thursday, energy vampires. But until then, let's improve our relationship. Okay, so here are some general guidelines. First of all, you did really well. I think you hit on, I think, some fundamental component. of a healthy relationship. So having a meaningful emotional connection with someone else, that's important whether you're romantic with them or not. You have to have some sort of meaningful connection that has emotional content. That also needs to be able to tolerate disagreement

and ways to work through disagreement, right? That's going to come up anytime in any relationship. And you want to have a relationship where you're not afraid to have that kind of disagreement. And also, no relationship that I would define as healthy can be consuming of either person, meaning it needs to exist in a safe space that is not all consuming and doesn't take over parts of either person's life. That made me think of something, which is freedom to be yourself in the relationship, not questioning or trying to figure out what that other person wants you to be. So what we have here is by no means inclusive of every single thing that you need to have a healthy relationship.

But based on you, me, and Valerie, and our opinions and perspective and experience, we have five things that we think are honestly different than things that you'll see on other lists. And these are the five things for any relationship to be healthy that we would like to encourage you to implement. This is why Ma'am's so great. She undersells. But I'm going to oversell and tell you that the next five things could drastically change your life. You may not have thought about them.

You need to listen to the following episode because better relationships are extremely important. And I started off by thinking, Maim, isn't even possible to have a good relationship these days, romantic, friendship or otherwise? No. End of episode. But we push through, we push through that. The reason that I said no, kind of tongue in cheek, is, you know, given the state of the world, given a lot of people feeling lonely, disconnected, social media, kind of, you know, both tantalizing us and stealing our attention in so many ways.

Also, dating apps and ways to meet people extremely easy, especially like the turnover rate possibility for meeting new people. There's a new app right now. It says find a new podcast partner. You just swipe and you listen to little clips of their audio. My MBialx breakdown is supported by Superpower. We all know the feeling of leaving a doctor's office and kind of feeling like we didn't get anything out of the experience that was useful.

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game changer. Plus, they have an on-demand clinician team to answer questions. Supplement or prescription suggestions can be directly bought through superpower, so you don't have to go anywhere else. They also have nutritional guidance, tips for lifestyle and behavioral adjustments. You even get your true biological age that you can track over time. Superpower used to cost $499. Right now, it's $199 for the full experience, which is much more affordable than anything else out there. Make this the year you stop guessing about your health with superpower. Superpower. Not only did Superpower reduce their price to just $199,

but for a limited time, our listeners get an additional $20 off with the code break. Head to superpower.com. Use the code break at checkout for $20 off your membership. And after you sign up, they'll ask how you heard about them. Make sure to mention My Ambiotics Breakdown to help support the show. Well, I think in particular, even though we're talking about all kinds of relationships, I think the way that dating has changed is a good indication of where a lot of our mindsets are. You know, your next fling, your next person is a swipe away.

So I think that many of us have kind of lost the ability to kind of tough it out. And I don't mean to sound like the 90-year-old like, you kids today, you need to tough it out. But there is this notion of an overabundance of possibility for relationships. And so, of course, that gets into the way that we approach relationships. Because it's hard to stick it out. And, you know, here's my hot take. everything seems great the first three months that you're dating someone

or in partnership with someone even work-wise. There's this honeymoon period and also enjoy it. Really lean into it and enjoy it. But in the back of your head, you have to know, this is all bullshit.

You're not the one that like, we figured out love. Like, we figured it out. It's always going to be like this. Or I met this person and we're going to be in partnership forever or we're going to be, you know, office mates.

we are the perfect match and it's always going to be great. That's just not true. And that's actually not the definition of a healthy relationship. Healthy relationships will have ups and downs. They will have challenges. You have to push through what happens day one of month four to figure out, honestly, more about you than about the other person. It's really easy to, to, it's easy to break up. I've done it many times. It's very easy. It's easy to think, I'm just going to find somebody else, but Jonathan, what do we call that? It's called Changing the Cast and Keeping the Script the same because we will replay out our scenarios with different people each time.

There's a common denominator of every relationship you've ever been in, and that's you. So, Jonathan, why does it matter so much that we work so hard on cultivating healthy relationships? We hear this a lot, but relationships are the cornerstone of life. They literally have a mental and a physical health benefit. The risk of death increases 50% for people who are lacking healthy relationships. That's on par with the negative health effects of smoking and exceeds the other risk factors such as obesity or physical inactivity. So being lonely is it's bad for us as humans. It's beneficial for us to be in relationships. And there's all these really interesting studies that have shown, you know, disrupted sleep patterns,

blood pressure problems, increased cortisol, which is, you know, basically a stress response, a weakened immune system, obviously a decrease in a sense of contentment. But all of these, you know, increases in risks for depression and suicide, there are literally negative impacts of not having kind of healthy relationships with other people. And then on the flip side, the positives of having strong relationships. relationships are, you know, in many cases, the opposite of those things. Lower rates of anxiety and depression, higher self-esteem, greater empathy, a stronger immune system, the ability to recover from disease and injury quicker may even lengthen your life, greater sense of purpose, and some really

cool studies showing improved cognitive performance, which is just, you know, fascinating. But Jonathan, what are some of the reasons that you think it's important to be in relation to another human being? You had your own little list that you came up with. There's a lot of things that are not necessarily lower blood pressure. But let's say you go out of town. Who's going to pick up your mail if you don't have friends? That's a good one. Who's going to tell you if the colors that you aren't sure go together in your clothing match or not? You have to have a bestie on speed dial to send them a text. I like someone to brush my hair. It feels good. Just any friend. You just send out an SOS text. It doesn't have to be your romantic partner.

Like when you're young and you like girls like braid each other's hair, like that's like a thing. You know what I like? I like someone who has a higher spice tolerance than me to taste a dish that we go out. And if we're ordering communally, I like them to taste it and tell me if it's going to hurt me or not. In all seriousness, it's really nice to have connections with people that you feel safe with. So that if you're not feeling well, for example, you have a place to go and you don't have to not feel well by yourself. Those are just like some really basic ones. But let's get to the list, Jonathan. Here's the list.

Top five ways to improve any relationship. All right. Number one. Be present. Now, a lot of people might hear this and be like, duh, but I cannot tell you how incredibly infuriating it is to try and have a conversation with someone when you know that they are not present and you don't have any sort of communication around that. And I experienced this with my children a lot. And I'm sure they experience it with me too.

The notion of active listening, this was a thing before screens were interference, right? You can tell when someone is not listening. But when someone is staring down at their phone and saying, uh-huh, uh-huh. Right. Even if they're saying they can hear you, that's an automatic turnoff for any sort of interaction. You have to be present. You have to be looking at the person. focused on the person. It's a number one thing. Here's something I saw recently. There was a speaker who was like doing a TED talk

and he got on stage and he said, and for those only listening, I'm holding up my phone on camera and I'm talking to my aim and how important do you feel right now with this phone in my hand? Even if I'm looking directly at you, you know at any moment

my attention could go to this. And so there's a finite attention span that I'm presenting. I'm sending you a message that at any moment you will become less important than whatever comes through this device. Another part of being present, and this relates to that, is we live in this culture where everything feels urgent, that if someone texts you, you have to read it. And if someone texts you and you have to read it, that you have to respond to it. And if someone text you and you read it and you respond to it, that you then have to wait for what they're going to respond so that you can respond again. That is a false sense of urgency. And it

one of the biggest, one of the biggest sucks of the notion of being present. So in any relationship, if it is not urgent, do not treat it as if it's urgent because it will interfere with the communication you're trying to have with this person that you are trying to have a relationship with. Another aspect of being present is the idea of holding space. Can someone show up for someone else and not have an agenda, not be analyzing what the person is saying or thinking or sharing with them and trying to find in a solution. Can I just allow them to have whatever experience they have? And can I show up for them the way that they need to, not the way that I need to resolve it for you? And that's a notion of what it means to be present. To be present is to be available

to what's going on for the other person without having to fix it, without having to solve it, without having to also restate it just for your own purposes. Holding space is something that often on questionnaires, women or female identifiers tend to score higher in understanding what holding space means. It's part of social queuing. It's part of social cues of understanding what it means to be engaged with someone,

to see what they need, and to not have to insert yourself. I think a lot of people on the spectrum may find this a pain point, because sometimes it's hard to hold space if you don't fully have a grasp on the larger social cues going on. So this is something that is not impossible to work on, but that is a huge component. So putting down what you're doing, listening actively, really understanding what it means to hold space, and removing urgency from other things that are pulling you away from just being present.

That's what it means to be present. Number two. Be curious. Why should you be curious, ma'am? something funny happens when we're in relation with another person. What often happens, and I've talked, I've sung the praises of the book Difficult Conversations for a long time, much of what happens when we're in relation with another person has very little to do with what they're doing

and has a lot to do with what we are going through. So when we're talking about being curious in a relationship, we're not just talking about being curious about what the other person is going through. We're talking about being curious about what are, your triggers. And I don't mean like trigger warning. I don't want to hear about liquorish. I don't like licorice. I'm talking about what things activate in you issues that you have not yet worked out. So if you come from, let's say, a home where you were disciplined harshly, if you are in relationship with someone else and they indicate anything about harshness, it's likely going to remind you of

something that has nothing to do with them. It may vaguely feel like them. There may be language that they are using, but if you have not been curious about what that meant to you as a child, how you progressed into the adult that gets triggered by that, it's going to seep into every one of your relationships. The notion of giving someone the benefit of the doubt is a huge component of this, of understanding that if you are upset about something, if you don't like something, or in my case, if you keep saying no, it's because because someone is bumping up against something that has more to do with your unresolved stuff

than their needs. I hear two components of your curiosity. One is related to how you or I might be feeling in the moment. Another is curiosity about someone else's intention before we make a leap to assume that we know what their motivation is or what the meaning of what they're saying is. If this sounds like it takes a lot of time, you're right, it does. It takes a lot more time than we realize to have healthy relationships

because you need room for all of these conversations. You need room for misunderstandings. You need room for clarifications. You sometimes need room to be like, I need a minute to figure out why my blood pressure is elevated and my face feels hot. That's why the list goes together. Being curious requires being present. because if I'm not present and I'm just an autopilot,

I'm going to succumb to whatever quick reaction I have and I won't be able to slow down enough to be curious. Another thing to be curious about in terms of understanding what other people's intentions are, what their motivations are, the notion of learning someone else's love language is something we usually hear spoken about, obviously, for romantic relationships and relationships where there's love involved. But I am a huge fan of in any relationship you are in

what are the things that other people communicate through best? What do they receive best and what do they give best? Because that doesn't just have to be about, am I getting sex at the end of the evening, which again, if that's part of your work relationship, who am I to say? But the notion of some people do respond better to a certain kind of communication. Some people deliver communication in a way that may not be the way that you would want it, but if it is the way that they communicate, not taking it personally and trying to understand what their motivations are. A lot of times, Jonathan, when we have work meetings about what an

episode's going to be about, I feel like there's a lot of sternness. And what I've realized is you are used to a very organized way of thinking and process that is not necessarily my instinct. So for me, I feel threatened by that because it's like, why am I not that organized? Why is he asking me to think a certain way? But what we have to do, in any relation with another person is to say, what are the needs that he's trying to get met? What are the needs that I'm trying to get met? And is there a way to say, we're not going to communicate the same way, but it doesn't mean that we can't have a healthy relationship about it?

That's very well said. You know what I'm curious about? I'm curious what number three is on our list. Well, now that you've been present and you've been curious, it's time, Jonathan, for you to be vulnerable. This is where I draw the line. Just kidding. But a lot of people do draw the line here

because this is where it gets scary and it doesn't matter if it's in romance or if it's in friendship or if it's with family, people have to open up and share what's going on. One of the most vulnerable things that you can say is three words. Well, one's a contraction. So technically it's...

I'm hungry. No. I don't know. Hmm. I don't know is a very vulnerable thing to say. And I don't know doesn't mean I'm never going to know. I don't know doesn't mean it can't be known. It means that in this moment, I don't know. That usually means you need to gather more information. And that information may be internal, it may be external, it could be that you need to source more

information so that you know what's going on. But the notion that even if you are a boss, that it's okay to say, I don't know, I think this is what a lot of us are lacking, especially when we work for someone. We have this notion that they're always right or they're always going to have one up on us. And in many work relationships, bosses feel the need to make that true. I think it's very damaging. I think it's damaging in a class system like we live in. I think it's okay for people not to know, but that's a vulnerable place to be. And part of this vulnerability does come from being curious about what are the things that I still don't know. What are the issues that I still need to work on. What did I do in a previous relationship that I seem to be repeating again? Why is it not

working? I don't know as a vulnerable place to come from. And it's really the only place where growth can come from. Very true. And if you're dealing with, for example, a teenager and you ask them a question and you get, I don't know, I don't know, it can be something that you use to shut people down because you just say, I don't know all the time. However, if you add the phrase, I don't know, but I will feel. I don't find out. Or I don't know, but I am curious to learn more about something than all of a sudden that I don't know is not the end of the conversation. It's actually an entry point to getting more information. Beautifully put. And, you know, this kind of vulnerability is, I would argue, something that's really missing from probably all of our relationships. Why is this so hard?

many of us are taught to be people-pleasers. Many of us are not taught to know our own needs. Many of us are taught that people who don't know are weak and will be taken advantage of. So we fight against that and we always want to know or have the answer or interrupt someone to get to the answer. This notion of vulnerability is incredibly important. Many people find an opening to vulnerability through therapy, like through talk therapy. Many people find an opening to vulnerability through talk therapy. many find an opening to vulnerability if they work a 12-step program because you're working with a sponsor who literally is giving you a list of things to understand about where you come from where you are and where you're going. Many people have mentors or are lucky to be in situations

where they can be mentored by someone who kind of helps them understand their vulnerabilities. So, yes, in order to be vulnerable, you do need to be curious and you do need to be present. Number four, be a good communicator. Now, this could be its own episode, and it might at some point be its own episode. There are a couple hacks that we would like to share in terms of good communication. So a first-person narrative is a really powerful diffuser because when you begin a statement with you did this or you need to do this, it absolutely makes people get their backup. It does create really a relationship of blame.

Who's to blame? You're to blame, right? And nobody wants to be blamed for anything in any relationship. It feels really, really bad. So an I statement is a completely guilt-free way of changing a dynamic in a relationship. So instead of saying, you hurt my feelings, I mean, even something as basic as that, I'm hurt. Like, it's so different, right? It's vulnerable.

It's hard. The first one makes me want to deconstruct that and say, well, why are your feelings hurt? And you don't have the right to have your feelings heard and nothing I did hurt your feelings. And you're just, you know. You cannot argue with an I statement. You can argue with a U statement. But it's impossible to argue with an I statement because even if it's not true that someone did something, I'm allowed to have feelings, right? Feelings aren't facts.

I'm allowed to have feelings. So using eye statements, huge game changer, it really can change the timber of any conversation and shift it from one of blame to one of really ownership. Another good communication tip that Jonathan and I have been practicing is mirroring. This came up in an episode we did with an Amago therapist where this is one of the components of Amago style therapy. A lot of times I listen to people, but I don't hear them. And what mirroring forces you to do is to either show that you didn't listen or hear them, or it encourages a shift in your perspective when you say the other person's words even if you don't agree. It's literally empathy in motion.

That's what mirroring is. So if Jonathan were to say, Jonathan, give me an eye statement that you might say in a work conversation we're having about a potential script. I feel misunderstood about what the intention of this script is. What I heard you say is that you feel misunderstood about what the intention of the script is. Is that correct? That is correct. Even in a pretend scenario, I felt my heart soften when I repeated your words back to you. Because it's the way that, again, even if I don't agree or even if I don't agree or even if I

I feel like I did understand you. I just tapped into what you're feeling. And until two people can tap into what the other is feeling, it makes it very difficult to move forward. We end up in a cycle where you're trying to move in one direction. I'm digging my heels in. The harder you try, the more I resist. And all of a sudden, two people are at odds with one another

instead of in union or in relationship and able to move forward together. Once you said that you felt in our pretend scenario, once you said that you felt misunderstood about the intention of the script, if I am remembering correctly, what I want to do is jump in and tell you why you're wrong. But the next communication tip that we would like to teach is what am I supposed to say next, Jonathan?

Is that right to check the accuracy of what you've just mirrored back? And here's the big one. Here's the big one, which actually involves being curious. It actually also involves being present, which is asking, is there more and pausing? When we ask, is there more and we pause, we allow the fact that we've just provided an empathetic connection to land with the other person, allow them to feel safe and that they're allowed to have

their experience. And we are curious enough to continue to say, what else might there be? and that gives them the freedom and flexibility to relax, to feel safe enough, and to know that there's an open, receptive connection for them to continue to say what else is going on. As someone who loves to interrupt people, being forced to ask, is there more,

slows the conversation down in a way that is critical and does create an environment of safety and health. Because it's saying, not only did I hear you, now that you've said it, Now that you know that I heard it, that might soften you even more, meaning we're often used to like spitting something out and then the other person's going to respond. But if you know that you spit something out that was vulnerable and you hear your words back, it might actually make you realize, oh, wait a second, there is more. Maybe in the example we gave, you might say,

this is a pattern I've noticed in other arenas of our interactions, right? It can open up more and I am allowing that space for you to step into to continue to let you communicate more. And that is, you know, communication is literally this two-way street. When you say allows the person to be heard, what we're actually saying is you're going a level deeper. You're allowing the person to feel felt. You're giving them an audio or an auditory cue that you've heard their words, but by giving it back to them, you allow them to feel felt and that creates a sense of safety, I think it's hard to express how impactful this can be because we are so programmed to have a right or a wrong or, you know, this objective truth.

When we allow other people to have subjective realities and meet them there, we're actually far better able to build a objective truth or a collective truth together. I think something that's important to realize is that people don't have to, agree in order to have good communication. Good communication is important whether you're agreeing or not, whether there's progress or not. So having a shared narrative about what's actually going on is affirming for both parties, even if there's not agreement. And that brings us to our last good communication tip, which is don't try and solve things unless you're specifically being asked to solve something.

Asking how can I help is much more helpful to building a healthy relationship than inserting yourself to solve something. This is one of these like, I cannot tell you how many times I'll have a friend tell me a story or an interaction. And what is so clear is that their opinion was not asked for. And they gave it. Or someone gave them an opinion without them asking and it invariable. and it invariably led to hurt and misunderstandings.

Communication is not about solving something. It's about communicating. So setting aside the notion of solving and instead saying, how can I help? Where can I be helpful? And sometimes the answer might be, I don't know. That's okay. We can't treat communication like it's an Olympic sport

where you're going to win it. Like you're going to win it when you fix it. That's not how relationships work. One thing to add about all of this beautiful, fantastic open communication is that it doesn't mean that there are no boundaries to the relationship. Asking how can I help doesn't mean, do you need a million dollars? I will give it to you. The notion is finding out more about a situation means asking specifically, what are your needs here? Because sometimes people just want to be listened to. Sometimes people do want a solution. But all of these things need to get slowed down. And it really is a tendency of a lot of people. to rush in and try and solve it. And yes, a lot of this stuff, you'll hear comedians like, oh, guys, like, oh, Mr. Fix It, you know. But this happens with all sorts of people and all sorts of relationships. What's number five? Number five is an extension of vulnerability, but it's so

special that it deserves its own mention. Be sorry. The ability to say, next to I don't know, I think the next most vulnerable thing to say is, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I, I, I want to point out that some of us tend to grovel when we feel we've done something wrong. That's not what I'm talking about. I'm literally talking about if you've done something wrong, being able to say you're sorry. And for those of us who tend towards feeling bad about ourselves, we sometimes will overdo it and grovel and have to go so far the other way or try and overcorrect. That's not what I'm talking about.

I'm talking about saying sorry is a really painful thing to do. It's really, really hard. But sometimes in any relationship, we have to say, we're sorry. It could be for something practical. It could be for something that we've messed up. It could be because we've hurt someone. And this is one of those things that it's like lifting a weight. If you're going to try and curl 35 pounds, you have to start with five and then work your way up to 35. This is something that you have to practice that will become easy. So the example that we've often talked about on the podcast is like the 12-step program, which literally has an amends step,

it's teaching you to directly make amends for something that you have done, which is not simply an apology. It's an apology with an acknowledgement of wrongdoing and kind of suggestions and an opening for ways to not behave the same in the future. So many of us get practice at saying sorry and it is one of the most powerful relationship shifters, again, if done appropriately. I recently had to say sorry, literally last night. I had to say sorry to my son. I threw all of the wash into the washing machine and a pair of his blue jeans bled onto one of his favorite sweatshirts, which is like, we found it at the thrift store, Derek Rose, Chicago, awesome sweatshirt that like is totally unfindable again and it colored it blue and I felt horrible.

But what I was very careful not to do was apologize so profusely as to not allow him to be annoyed. And I could tell how annoyed he was at me. And I said to him, you have the right to be upset. And also I feel horribly about this. I feel so bad. I know how much that sweatshirt means to you. I did say I was going to try to wash it with some stain remover. But what was important is, like, you don't want to be the person who apologizes so much

that you overpower the other person's experience of being upset. When you over-apologize, as it were, you make it more about you than the situation. And in many cases, it's because you feel bad. Like, in this case, you feel really badly that you did it. but it can absolutely remove the emphasis from the situation because what often will happen is when someone over-apologizes, the other person will say, oh, no, no, no, no, that's okay. It's really okay. And what that does is actually it shifts the dynamic in ways that don't address what was happening.

Also, many people have heard the notion, and it's not just women. People do joke this about Canadians. I would say that even if you weren't Canadian, this notion of apologizing kind of for breathing. you know, for existing. This is something that I started noticing, actually kind of post me too. I started looking at the language that I used even in emails. And I noticed how much I couched requests with, I'm sorry, but can I ask this? Or I'm sorry for feeling this. And just simple requests. So apologies are complicated. It can be a way to deflect from the situation. It can be a way to, you know, reflect a larger cultural misunderstanding about a right to take up space. But when used appropriately,

an apology is a really, really important, important component of any relationship and also can be really, really reparative. These are fantastic tips. I appreciate you sharing them with us. I appreciate that you have been present, curious, vulnerable, a good communicator, and sorry when appropriate. But Jonathan, you wanted to add a sick. thing. There's a bonus here, which is to have a good relationship with anyone, you have to have a little bit, at least a little bit of fun. There has to be some humor. Every relationship is going to go through a hard time. It's important to acknowledge hard times, to push through them, and to find humor where appropriate. And some relationships, it's easier to find the humor quicker than in others. But an element of

fun is critically important for healthy relationships. And you joked, I mentioned energy vampires at the top of the episode, but like, we've all been around the person who all they can do is complain. Everything is horrible all the time. And don't get me wrong. There are many situations at times in life where things are very, very challenging. However, we have to be able to find some appreciation for another person, some moment of being great that we're grateful for. Otherwise, it just becomes, you know, we leave those people and we are totally drained.

So I think if you're going to be in a healthy relationship, you're going to have healthy relationships. You've got to bring a little bit of the light side in. We hope that these have been helpful for you. These are things that Jonathan and I have been practicing and practicing with kind of everyone we interact with. Thanks for listening. And we hope this helps you in any and all of your relationships.

If you have your own, helpful tip on how to improve a relationship. Tag us at Biallic Breakdown. Make sure you like and subscribe to the podcast, anywhere you get podcasts, or follow Myam's YouTube channel. Click the little bell notification and leave us a review. It really does help on Apple Podcasts or Spotify. From our breakdown to the one we hope you never have.

We'll see you next time. It's My Impiolyx Breakdown. She's going to break it down for you. She's got a neuroscience PhD or 2. Fun fiction more than now she's gonna break down to break down she's gonna break it down