Mean Boys - BONUS #10 - Nice Boys III

Episode Date: April 18, 2019

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Oh shit guys, the Mean Boys podcast finally back in the trap. Yes, it was back, back, back, back again. Yeah, we've shut up. I was waiting for you guys to cut me off. I was like shocked I could keep going. Yeah, you had the tentative energy of a wife about to suggest something to an abusive husband. Just like, what? Go out for ice cream, thwack! Yeah, because that's what you want when you're abused. Something cold to put on the bruise.

You know? It doubles up. You can eat your feelings and also the swelling's going down. We're back. We're really sorry that we missed a couple episodes. That was just due to being on the road and also computers being seized, bags being switched around. A lot of bullshit happened.

Yeah, the TSA took Keith's laptop. I got very, very ill, which there's a great, this is a great thing to read. And this is kind of exciting in my career is there's a connor dead post on the reddit i saw that i love it yeah i'm like i'm in paul mccartney town now this is kind of it's kind of fun yeah but uh yeah we're back at it everyone's got their computers and shit we're gonna start throwing those live shows up but we thought we need to come back we gotta we gotta come back hot you know let everyone know what happened on the tour we got a lot of crazy stories on this episode.

Some shit about Keith Ray you wouldn't believe. Just a good old classic. Mean Boys romped through the wilderness of funny. And that's coming up for you in a second. Thank you guys so much to everyone that came out on tour. That was unbelievable to meet you guys. It was so fucking cool to meet you guys. Truly fucking amazing.

We say it all the time, but we really mean it. Meeting you guys on the road is the best part of doing it. The coolest fucking thing. Meant the world to us. Every single person. god bless you for coming i i hope you had fun it was fucking we got so many fucking stupid gifts so many weapons yeah tom what's your weapon count you had you got a national guard helmet right you got a fucking uh slingshot right a sword got a sword you got sting sting. Yeah, a sting. A small, like a pirate knife. Okay.

I don't know what that one's called. It's called a pirate knife now. Yeah, a pirate knife. It's called a Samoan butter knife. A lot of... That's my dick. Top of two socks. We also got some nice gifts, which felt like someone gave us some fancy sponges

What makes you think I have a place to put this sponge in my shower? Personal soap named after country songs Yeah, that is going to be a fucking crash pad for spiders immediately Some of that stuff, some coffee Yeah, a bunch of other shit I'm forgetting I'm sure it'll all come up A bunch of Bucky swag in Texas A lot of candy

I know, yeah, I posted one picture in a regional gas station hat and this dude showed up and gave us a big fat ass ass like clogging bag of jerky which was the only thing i was eating for several days so i just pretty sure i just gave myself fucking constipation sepsis i just remembered this on the show i just remembered uh the day I flew out, I woke up, I found the box of fudge in my backpack. Oh, shit. There was like a quarter of it left, and I went, fuck it, it's my birthday. You made a box of fudge at the airport alone. No, I ate it in the hotel room right after waking up.

This will help me start my day. Three minutes after I woke up,'m just like fuck it is i literally remember thinking fuck it it's my birthday and then just like that does like in terms of just the computational power of your body just like coming out of the gate at 8 a.m with pound of fuck oh no it was like bit torrenting an entire like the the whole series of friends it was 6 45 a.. or something like that. Jesus Christ. Because then I realized that my flight was delayed, and I went back to sleep for another half hour. Fuck.

So, yeah, that's coming out. The live shows will be dropping soon throughout the week. We've got a brand new Patreon episode. Ramsey came by. We got into all the Kevin Spacey didn't do it foundation for the learning arts drama. Oh, man, and it has gotten robust. It is one of the hardest times I've ever laughed in my life. That's a very fun one.

We tell some more tour stories on there. Exciting news about the Ramones t-shirts are now up for sale on the website. So if you guys didn't get to come see us and you want a small, medium, or large, because we made way too many not enough fat guy sizes, we got out there and we just, as soon as we saw the first crowd in Texas, we were like, we're in trouble. Yeah, we'll be picking up more fat guys. 15 XLs was not enough fat guy sizes we got out there and we just as soon as we saw the first crowd in texas we're like we're in trouble yeah we'll be picking up more 15 xls was not enough we'll pick up more fat guy sizes soon but yeah pick one of those up now if you're a small medium or large listener of this show yeah yeah 20 bucks plus she has like 24 bucks or something like that it's a

little more for international they're really nice they're soft told everybody autistically soft yeah they're really very satisfying the graphic just blends right into the fabric. I knocked it... You did real good work on these fucking things. I did real good work on these things, and you guys helped. I feel like I printed a lot of them. You did, but I ordered the materials, which is the hard part. All right.

I had to use smart consuming. Well, the shirts are good, is the point. Yeah. And Keith had very little to do with that. I can't stress enough to the listeners how much all the tweets about how nice the shirts are and the design and the quality, those should all be directed to me. And I may CC Keith on them to remind him of his lack of input, but if you could first send the tweets to me, I would appreciate it. All right, so Tom, you made all the shirts. What do you think?

Can you CC a tweet? You can tag someone. You knew what he meant. Yeah. I didn't. I thought I was going to learn a new thing, and instead I did not. Tom just found out about business Twitter. Wow, great.

Oh, now Tom negative learned a thing. Tom forgot what triangles are. This is a great piece of misinformation that is going to take seed when he's like, yeah, how do I? Anyway, I'm too tired to come up with a whole. Yeah, you get it. Jump on the Patreon of him or the Reddit, the Discord. Hang out with your fellow Mean Boys fans.

Yeah. Fill out that tour sheet so we can start planning the next one. Yeah, we're already looking at some ideas for the next run. Yeah, we're itching to get back there on the road. Yeah, I think that's just about it. I don't want to fucking bog us down with too much boring. Let's get to the episode because this is a fun, good, classic Mean Boys episode. Back to normal.

All right, everybody. Here it is. I think I should vamp this more. Enjoy this week's episode. Hey everybody, welcome to the Mean Boys Podcast. Your deathbed won't have a box spring. I'm Keith Carey. I'm Tom Goss. And I'm...

The merch guy for a Britpop band. Oh, if you... Pretty fucking spot on. Oasis is out of extra smalls again Does anybody want a blur patch? I just gotta figure They're just like we only have medium Nobody who is not a wispy man

Who works at a record store Gives a shit about any of these bands Yeah nobody with any level of testosterone Or girth needs a t-shirt for blur By the way you're wearing the joggers right now These are the highest joggers I've seen It's like a capri situation this is more of a sweat pant your calves are outrageously white oh yeah do i don't fucking take them out man i don't with

the flesh of a ghost orphan i here's the problem with with with whiteness is you grow more ashamed of it you cover it up more and it never resolves it looks like basically how trump happened they also want to extrapolate it i guess it's pretty similar it's like a unique white because it doesn't even look like mayo it looks like it looks like just raw chicken man it is with hair well it's just like yeah it's just all the blood vessels underneath there it's just it's nothing it's like this weird peach kind of like little girl's bedroom sort of a color it's no good good. Oh, my God. We're back from the road, everybody. Yeah.

Yeah, I'm feeling. Do you guys feel that? Something weird. Is there like a truck coming by outside? I don't. Oh, God. Oh, God. No.

Oh, yes. Hey everybody, welcome to the Nice Boys Podcast. A stranger is just a friend you haven't shown your Beyblades to yet. I'm Connor McSpadden. I'm Tom Goss. And I'm... Looking less greasy than usual. Thanks, that was kind of a mean nice thing to say. Have you changed... I love grease. Have you changed your blotting routine?

I like grease, Rome. Really, any of them over there. Oh. Homonym. But you can't eat Rome if you can eat grease. Rome wasn't eaten in a day. Out of your car. Keith is my favorite homonym.

I think I'm a binym. That sounds like something else. Yeah. It's a plaid. Yay. Yay. Welcome to the Nice Boys podcast. I'm already having such a good time.

Should we yay all together on three? Yeah. Three, two, one. Yay. I didn't know what we were saying, but the collective unconsciousness of friendship steered me towards the right word. Here's what I like about it. I got confused because you said, are we yaying on three and then said three first. But we figured it out.

You don't spell. Yeah. You understood from my third eye perspective how to do the thing. A third eye? What are you, a homonym? Oh, that's like a butthole, I guess. Well, this is the Nice Boys podcast, everybody. It sure is, everybody.

And I got to tell you, it just gets better every year. Yeah, everybody loves Nice Boys. No one's ever said anything bad about Nice Boys. This is in no way a one-noteimsy bit that is was run into the ground 20 minutes into the first time we did it i'd say this show has has more legs than an octopus fellas we could do it forever are those arms or legs they're whatever your heart tells you. My heart says legs. So does Connor's. Join the tribe. I love tribes. We're so inclusive.

I love group thinking. Together we can achieve anything. I love Keith's faux intelligent edgy sidebars. They really add a lot to the show. It's one of my favorite parts. Faux is my favorite soup that you get in Asian places. I think it's Thailand. What are your favorite Asian places?

Oh, Asia. Garden Grove. Yes. Oh, boy. Nothing better than local humor on a globally listened to podcast. Sorry, name more Asian places you like. Local human? Asia.

Okay. Japan. Cool. The dry cleaners. South Asia. North Asia. India. People forget about, you can't forget about India.

India's part of Asia. Those people feel left out. And we're not about not feeling left out. We're about including. Yay! Wow. That sentence, Tom didn't know how to finish, really made this seem like this is some sort of half-baked attack on woke culture, which surely bodes well for all our careers. I don't understand.

You're going to have to elaborate. You'll have to narrow it down. But I'm with my friends. Yay. Oh, that's what you think we are? Yeah. No, we're not friends. We're best friends.

That's right. Best friends forever. Saving it. Saving it. Saving it just like that other half of the Clif Bar when you realized you weren't actually that hungry. You just thought maybe if you'd eat something, it would give you the calories to think of something to do with your life. Or a sandwich for future you. I love getting food for future me.

It's like getting a gift from the past with ham in it. Yeah, sometimes you share it with future friend other person and you eat it. So someone's getting a quarter of an old sandwich. That's how you know it's a good friendship. That's a great friendship. It's like Looper, but the loops are tomatoes. Bruce Willis is the cheese. Yeah, because he always puts the stank on it.

What an actor, guys. He's a Gouda actor. I wonder if we know anybody that met him. Did you guys get it? Oh, like the cheese. Yeah, Tom gets it. Oh, like the cheese. Yeah, Tom gets it. Oh, sheep make that kind of cheese, I think.

Nope. Incorrect on all fronts. You're thinking of goats, and you're thinking of feta. Feta? What's feta got to do with it? There's nothing feta than podcasting with you bros. I'll tell you that right now. Yeah, and what's brie but a secondary cheese?

Yeah. Speaking of brie, I'm going to be real with you. I thought I had something, and then I lost it. Speaking of brie. Blue cheese is blue. We're going to get sued by a guy in Fresno. Wow, is brie still the hostess at the TGI Fridays? I love just, I just love letting loose and cracking wise with my friends.

This show is so fun to do because there's always so much good news out there. There's so much. Parmesan is Italian. That's what's great about this world is that nothing bad happens in it. Yeah. Yeah. The world is where we keep all the smiles. We are all about holding hands.

Wow. The hugs, the goofs, the guffaws. Hey, you guys ready? we keep all the smiles. We are more about holding hands. Wow. The hugs, the goofs, the guffaws. Hey, you guys ready? The chuckles, the chortles. You ready for some real literary stuff? I think Keith's got a real candied attitude. I don't quite get it, but I can tell from cadence it's probably pretty good. I like kisses on the cheek. Do you guys like kisses on the cheek?

What are we doing here? We're doing our podcast. Commit to the bit. Are we doing here we're doing our podcast commit to the bit are we doing cheeks yeah no i know why i assume i know what kind of cheek but i don't want to speak for your butt it's like what you have cheeks oh you know not that i meant like just like oh my mouth is the hole you usually kiss which is a on the cheek. Yeah. Okay. That tracks.

Yeah. Yeah. Connor. I, I'm very upset, but that's okay. Or it could be your under cheeks. It's all just about what about you and your friends. What it sounds like a wrestler. Who's also a chipmunk.

Yeah. Oh, I don't know if I can do this. You sure can. OK. It's not like we prepared some secondary version of the podcast. This is what we have. Think of the friendship. Oh, boy. Well, I feel like we're all fired up.

What do you guys say we get into the noncompetitive Hispanic American humor fiesta? Yay. fired up. What do you guys say we get into the non-competitive Hispanic American humor fiesta? Yay! We're razzled. We're dazzled. We're at it. Tell us some jokes. We're at it. We're at it. T some J's. Jokes are like poems that tickle

your happy. Oh no! That's right!'s right wow guys uh man seven minutes in and we're already having the best time i'm having a great time i know my time's so good i don't want anybody to shut the fuck up at all this is great we're not supposed to say swears. Oh, yeah. Oh, I forgot that was part of our compact. It's the charter we wrote on the back of a Tootsie Pop wrapper. Number one, no swear words. Number two, not too much candy before bed. Number three, we're sharing this Tootsie Pop.

You know, it really worked out well that you bought that Tootsie Roll the size of a throw pillow, Keith. I like big candy. We got a lot of use out of it. And I cannot lie. Man, I'm so glad we ate that Duraflame log. What flavor are Tootsie Rolls supposed to be? Chocolate. Why do they taste like a candle that has brown sugar in it?

How many candles have you eaten? I'm extrapolating from texture. You don't have to eat a candle. You've already got a bright light inside of you. Oh. It shines for everybody. So you opened the mail and saw my test results? Yep.

You came back positive with candle gut C. Wow. It's the non-lethal form of candle gut. Oh, and what happens? What are the side effects of candlele Gut? Side effects include people like being around you, and you have a warm personality. It probably doesn't go great after you're 50, but other than

that, it's great. I remember hearing Candle Gut songs on Buzz Ballad. CD set infomercials. Cotter tested positive for HIC. Happy as Cotter. Yeah! What a great Cotter. Yeah. Oh, what a great joke, Tom.

Yeah. What a totally awesome thing that I would never call you retarded for saying. I don't say retarded. That's in the addendum of the charter. We wrote it inside an M&M's bag. There were a lot of fixes necessary. We needed a product. I ain't that kid.

It was a Tootsie Roll rapper, you fucking idiot. Just kidding. No swears. You guys are swearing. In no way am I getting survival's guilt about this podcast doing a lot better than some of my friends. In no way do I feel guilty that people listen to this instead of someone else. Well, this segment is rad, and we should go on to tell some jokes. Guys.

Yeah, guys. Who wants to go first? Shut up. I'll take it away. A hairdresser is giving homeless people free haircuts and listening to their stories. One satisfied customer told the press, she gave me the bedhead look I was going for

even though I slept on a cat. Hooray! I think that's really nice that they're getting their hair trimmed up so they could get a job or be featured in more people's Instagram stories as they walk past them. Yeah. Yeah.

All right. I'll tell a joke. In movie news, number one at the box office was Shazam. Coming in behind it were Kapow, Boing, and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. I want to see blah, blah, blah, blah. That's a Marvel movie Oh yeah What's that one about?

It's about a superhero And his name is He gets a boner? No that's what Boing is about Oh okay I'm just glad They're casting more women

In those movies Oh yeah It's all about Women's empowerment Yeah That sound effect Had the same letter As a word good stuff really good

stuff all right you guys ready for my comedy's fun i i'm gonna i'm gonna share it with you guys now i like connor's hair seems like it's getting bigger as he gets more excited about this oh man i i love that you're going super saiyan with for this idea. That Tom trying to get his mouth to say anything is like trying to get a six-year-old to take a bath. Say anything's a band. Yeah. Wow. You guys ready for my thing to share with you guys? We sure are.

Ready for the love triangle? Light up those candle guts. It's party time. All right. Morgan Freeman donated 124 acres to a bee sanctuary. What's he going to keep there? A list of his co-stars. Get it?

Because he's so much more popular than some of his friends. So they're bees and his friends are bees. And there's a list. Bee list, bee sanctuary. A lot of bees. There's so many bees. That was a long way to go to be rude to Tim Robbins. That was a really good joke.

I think you've been Pauling in some favors and getting some help with those. Who's Paula? Pauling is what bees like. That's right. They stick it in their butt and make honey. Yeah. They stick it in their under cheeks. Yep.

Yep, they put pollen in their butts and poop honey. Yeah, we get it. Tell a joke. Nate, you shut up. Don't tell me what to do. Hey, don't tell me to shut up. Hey, fuck you. I'll kill you.

Hey, no swears. No swears. Okay. This is the friendship up. Yeah, fuck you. I'll kill you. Hey, no swears. No swears. Okay. This is the friendship bunker. Oh, man. Connor looks like he's in a prison he built. Yeah. I feel like Bane.

Did he build that? I haven't seen the movie in a while. I dug the hole myself. Bane's scary to me. I had to stop to drink lemonade halfway through. I was very tired. I'm more about- It's scary to me. I had to stop to drink lemonade halfway through. I was very tired. I'm more about... It's a big hole.

Sometimes I like to drink half the lemonade and then make an arm of polymer and drink that. Yes. Yeah. Bane was scary to me. That's why I did a special cut of the movie where all the scenes with Bane were just Barney instead of Bane,

and then he's the one who hugged Batman. Hey, Tom, just a quick clarification question. Did you just say anything? Say anything? Were you talking right now? Well, guys, five teenage boys in Caldwell, Idaho, carried an old man home after they saw him fall on the street. Nate.

Their good deed has since gone viral, and they've been awarded scholarships, and the guy they helped let him see the Nazi stuff in his basement. Ah, those are scary, too. I've replaced those with Barney as well. You know, history's fun. History is fun. Not that part so much. That's where things happened.

You know, it's good to learn about the past. Yeah. Yeah. So you don't repeat it. So you can do it better next time. Yeah, it's good to learn about the past and the run don't don't repeat repeat it do it better next time yeah it's good to learn about the past and the run and the the play action that was a reach tom i'm reaching is how you get the cookie well i'm gonna i'm gonna tell a joke about the thing you told that long joke about

morgan freeman converted his 124 acre ranch into a giant bee sanctuary more More like Morgan Free Bee. Ah! Wow. He freed those bees. Yeah. The bees were free. Like Willie. Yeah. The bees were free, you see, you see.

Yeah. Oh, boy. Rhyming. I love rhymes. Rhymes are like poetry that doesn't have to go anywhere. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, they're like poems that are just out for a leisurely walk down the street.

Yeah. Connor, you look furious. No, I'm having a lot of fun, guys. Connor shows his love in ways that I love. I enjoy things. What? Absolutely what? Go. Do you need some water?

Guys, I think we have to turn Tom off and turn him back on again. Not to be contrary. You can't turn this guy off. I think we should be positive. Okay. Sure. Let's get closer to finishing this, please. Willie Nelson rescued 70 horses.

Wow. His kindness sticks like glue. Get it? Because you make glue out of horses that are dead? Sure. Yeah. But they didn't die. That's good.

They weren't glue. His kindness was. That's good. You stick to his kindness. So his kindness died and they turned it into glue? I don't get it. No, his kindness always lived. You know, guys, I think we're missing the main point, which is that kindness is the glue.

That's what I'm saying. Thank you, Connor. Yeah. You're the best friend. You know what, Tom? Explain it one more time. The kindness is like it sticks like glue. Okay.

And that's how they make horses. They make horses out of glue. Great. I got it. No further explanation needed. Tom, you're up. Connor, you're Tom. You just pour the other dead horse into a big epoxy mold, and then there's a new one. Horse.

I love ranching. Well, guys, a 101-year-old woman became a naturalized U.S. citizen this week. Next stop, Anchor Babies. Yay! Wow, it's great to see. More people. The beautiful patchwork of America get another cloth square sewed onto it. Yeah.

It's like a quilt you have to feed. Cloth is... I kicked the recorder a little, so I want to make sure I didn't unplug anything. No, we're fine. Okay. We're not losing any of this great podcasting. But it's hot gold. Yeah, gold has a very low melting temperature.

You know, learning and comedy can go together. Yeah, there's no reason they have to be separate. Some people have teeth made of gold. That's true. Name three of them. Molar, front, and back. And Lil Xan. All right.

A local teen taught a mentally handicapped boy to skateboard for his birthday. The boy said, I might be slow, but I'm going fast. I wrote a different version. It's a version of Tony Hawk's Pro Skater where every move is a special move. Wow. I saw that, actually. I thought it was neat how he was wearing two helmets. That was the third version that I didn't finish writing.

Oh, man. Well, great minds. I love, we looked at a website to find the happiest news in the world. You just type cute news into Google. It's the first result. It's so cute. And it just opened your self-facing camera. Ba-da-da-da-doing.

Huh, guys? That was number five at the box office. But no, you look, and about 80% of the stories are just breaking news. A person was nice to a not smart kid. Oh. The box office is what I call a hooker's accountant. I don't know what a hooker is. I'm scared of girls.

Oh, that's what you fish with. I'm sure. How do we do this again? Oh, like, do we go higher pitch? Yeah. We're going full widow. Have you seen this? Have you heard about this?

A young woman with Down syndrome got to be a flight attendant. Oh, boy. I hope she doesn't accidentally Downs the plane. Yep, because it's supposed to stay up. You're going to fly the two friendly skies and hug a lady too hard. Yeah. Yeah. Wow, guys.

You know what's great about this? We get two more segments after this. Oh, I love sharing. Well, guys, some very good news this week. A toddler survived a six-story fall by landing on a parked car. The mother of the young boy said in a statement, thank God that car was there. If it wasn't, I might have been able to finally see Italy.

Oh, because cars are from Italy. That seems pretty mean. Right, but the kid's alive. She's glad she doesn't have to go on that trip she always wanted to take. Is the car okay? Because the biggest journey of all is motherhood. Yeah, you get it. Yeah, but you might not get a souvenir spoon,

but you'll get a lot more than that in memories. 20 years after they separated, a woman donated her kidney to her ex-husband. I've heard of getting half of everything in a divorce, but this is reblam-blam. Reblam-blam. Reblam-blam. And if you look at my phone, you'll see I actually wrote reblam-blam. Wow. I planned to say that, Dom.

Wow, you planned things. You're so smart. I like when you come up with new words. You're so creative. Yeah. I could do that too Do it Gamorkada What does that mean?

It means what you want it to Alright, that's new You start with the word Then you find the meaning I think it's some sort of cheese Cheese Everyone loves cheese Tell a joke

For the love of God I think it's really good To invent names for cheeses That don't exist That's a good to invent names for cheeses that don't exist. That's a good use of everybody's time. Connor is actively watching the numbers on the clock rack. They stopped and started moving backwards somehow.

I know. It's the power of friendship. Yeah. A five-year-old girl made friends with a duck. That's not a person. What a silly goose. Get it? Because a duck is a thing you don't usually make friends with. Right.

And you're like, yeah. You're friends with a lot of birds, though. Ducks are mean. I don't like their attitudes. Yeah. They're always honking. Giving insurance out. They're biting.

They're always quacking wise. They're charging. They quack wise. Yeah. Wise. They're always quacking wise. They're charging. They quack wise. Yeah. Wise quacks. Wise quacking. Yeah. Getting up at the quack-a-don.

Yeah. Any other use of the word quack? Who likes a morning person? Nah. I think we need to quack down on them, guys. Did you guys know you can feed ducks with bread out of your mouth? I mean, technically, you can feed anything that way. Only if they want to explore your mouth? I mean, technically you can feed anything that way. Only if they want to explore your mouth.

Connor. Or Tom. I don't even know who anyone is anymore. Wow. I'm Tom. But I would be Connor because I love him. Looks like you got stuck with the bill on that one. Duck puns.

Duck puns. Duck puns. Oh, yeah. Yeah. I know how to get Connor in the mood. It's 90s nostalgia. I love it. Remember Pogs?

Yes. Those are little people, right? What about Capri Suns? Those were good. What about The Secret World of Alex Mack? That's a computer. Okay. Libraries around the country will now allow you to pay late fees using donated food.

This is great news for Keith Carey. He can finally pay off his 14 years of compounded interest in late fees by skipping one snack. I'm fat. You give back to society. I'm glad that there's finally a program to help people like you help yourselves. You know? Yeah. I think that's really good. You can pull ourselves up by our

bootstraps, but it's those special socks for diabetes. By our suspenders because belts can no longer accommodate you. Guys, sharing is clearing. A woman wrote a poem for a McDonald's employee who made her happy. And it goes a little something like this. Roses are red, violets are blue, McMuffins are yummy, I'll take two.

Aww. Grass is green, petunias are purple, I love the Grimace way more than the Colonel. Poppies are orange, daisies are yellow, thanks for the nuggets, you sweet burger fellow. Burger fellow was my favorite Shakespeare play. I'm snapping because it just drowned in a milkshake at the end of that. Yeah.

Yep. I'm loving it. I was loving it. Goddard's facial expression looks like a clock in a Salvador Dali painting. I'm watching the joy slide off your cheekbones. Sometimes you get so tired of smiling that you cramp up. I mean, you're smiling a lot, but it's like how the Joker would smile.

It's almost like you overinflated your face tires with happiness and you got a flash. I'm so happy. We've got to pump some more joy into Conor's sweet cheeks. Thankfully, I've got some friends to help jack me up and get me back on the road. I'm always here to gotta pump some more joy into Connor's sweet cheeks Thankfully I got some friends to help jack me up And get me back on the road I'm always here to jack you bro You should write for Seth Rogen I'm serious

I think you could do it He's my favorite hairy man Wow That's a tough category You could tell Paul Rudd what to smirk at You could do it I tell people lots of things Wow, that's a tough category. Yeah, you could tell Paul Rudd what to smirk at. You could do it. I could.

I tell people lots of things. Yeah. Hey, watch out, there's a car. Hello? You say, watch out, there's a car, more than you say hello? I wasn't doing it in chronological order. Not what that means, but that's cool. A high school team.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry I didn't jump in there. I was busy having a small out-of-body experience. If you listen closely, you can hear sound of silence playing every time Connor looks at Tom. A high school team. The happiest time in school. Everybody loves high school. Yeah. A high school teen in a wheelchair starred as Dorothy in Wizard of Oz.

Wow. Save me a seat. Because she always sits. It's an homage to the crippled lady. First of all, don't say crippled. That's rude. Second of all, how is she going to click her heels together? Hand shoes.

She's going to tie yardsticks to her feet and make herself like a human puppet. You guys never thought she was going to do the old reverse marionette. Yeah. Move over, Jeff Dunham. There's a new sheriff in puppet town. I'd like to marionette, but I'd have to talk to Mr. Benning first. Ah, Warren Beatty. Yeah.

Are these politicians? Yeah, Warren Beatty is the president. Ah, Warren Beatty. Yeah. Are these politicians? Yeah, Warren Beatty is the president. You didn't know that? Yeah. In the movie, Boltworth. I don't even really know who Annette Benning is. It's just funded. These names sound British.

And I think that's pretty neat. They're very American. Oh, America is very cool. Do we have another joke? I think so. Do we? I think it's your turn. Wait, is it? Oh, it's my turn. Actually, no, think so. I think it's your turn. Oh, it's my turn. Actually, no, I lied.

I think we might be done. Oh. Well, you know what? Let's make up some more right now. Should we do a riff-a-rack-a? Yeah, a riff-a-rack-a. The riff-a-rack-a. The most time-honored tradition of baseball. Yeah, a riff-a-rack-a. A riff-a-rack-a. Go.

I'm calling a riff-a-rack-a on thisiff-a-riff-a-riff. A riff-a-rack-a-m go. I'm calling a riff-a-rack-a-m on this proceeding to go to break. There we go. This has been so much fun. We should save it for some of the next segment. Yeah, we're going to riff-a-rack-a-m all of this. We got too much juice, boys. The juice is juice. We should call it juice boys.

Juice boys. We can talk about flavors of juices. Capri Sun. Yeah. Capri Sun, grape, apple. Orange. Orange. Capri Sun. Yeah. Capri Sun. Grape. Apple. Orange. Orange. Capri Sun. Hot dog water. That's not juice. You made a whoopsie.

Ah. Whoopsie joke. You trying to get one on me? You don't like hot dog juice? You know guys, this might be a little bit off the subject, but I read a thing about how people experiencing trauma have to dissociate to protect themselves from the memories that they'll someday have to be haunted by. And I think that's really important to think about right now as it pertains to me specifically.

I have a good memory of being in a field and then there was grass. And I was like, oh, this is soft. Okay. That would be a nice podcast to be right back. Can you pass the potato salad? You can reach it from there David, I asked for you to pass it over So I didn't have to reach across the table It's called being polite

Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't know you developed basic human decency Hey kids, can we please be civil? We see each other once or twice a year What the fuck is your problem dude why are you always acting this way don't even talk to me just stop i don't want to hear anything you have to say no bro i don't deserve to be talked to this way what are you even talking about i asked for you to pass the potato salad not to give me a small business loan kids could we just what the fuck is your deal oh so you're saying you've never asked anything from me then.

Is that what you're saying? That you've never suggested any bad ideas or done anything really horrible to anybody. You're just Little Miss Perfect over there with your fiance and your apartment and your car. Yeah, you've never left anyone behind. I didn't leave you behind, bro. I moved on with my life. You know the way you're supposed to when you grow up? I just think that... Oh, is that what you are?

You're a grown-up because you found some rich guy you can vacuum for in exchange for room and board. How dare you? I love him! You have nothing but your own reflection. You're a narcissistic, selfish, impulsive fucking whore and I hope someday you realize that. I'm not selfish. You think I'm selfish?

We made a mistake, but I'm not the one screaming at their sister because of a mistake he made also. Why don't you look yourself in the mirror, break it, and fuck yourself with the glass? Hey, I fucked worse. Uh, how about I pass the potato salad? I don't want to be around you. Yeah, you seemed pretty stoked when I was inside you. Does this scene sound familiar?

Have you had this fight at family functions? Well, there is hope. Hi, I'm a mature figure in an infomercial here to talk about something gross. Every year, thousands of families are destroyed due to not addressing an incest porn maid. This is all a mistake. I should have fucked Mom. Mom wouldn't have felt sorry enough to fuck you, you fucking loser. Oh, you're right.

I only fucked cum wads who pissed their bed until they were 11. Meh. Hey, I was good enough for her to take me aside and teach me how to fuck the mailman. Okay, look, for whatever reason, this is where I'm drawing the line. But there is hope. For 14 payments of $19.99, you can buy my new DVD, I Made a Whoopsie Video with My Relative, teaching you how to live, let go, and love again.

But in, like, non-sexual way before watching this video i was a mess but now after watching it i can finally be in a room with my brother without fighting or fucking him techniques including masturbating to someone who looks like your siblings finding prostitutes nasc, and meditative breathing. You will surely live in a less sexually tense world at a family function. Thanks, I made a whoopee video with my relative. Thanks to you, we can all enjoy our potato salad. Hey, it's me, Andrew Nice Clay. Andrew!

Hey, remember last year I transcended to the spirit realm or whatever. Mr. Nice. Yeah, that's my middle name. Don't wear it last. Anyway, I know it's been a year and a month, but I finally brought you those crullers from Monrovia. Oh, my God, the crullers. I forgot about Monrovia. Yeah, everybody does. It's unincorporated territory.

Oh, yeah. Andrew, your new wife is so beautiful. I almost think we should call her Marilyn Monrovia. Oh, that's pretty good. That's wonderful. Yeah, she's a fox. What's it like being dead, Andrew? It's pretty great because I went to leather jacket heaven.

Whoa. What do you do there? You compare sleeve lengths and oil it up like an old catcher's mitt. I think I read about this place. Leather jacket heaven. There's brick walls to lean with one foot on as far as the eye can see. It's a beautiful place. Every jukebox is just broken enough that you got to hit it with your elbow to get it going.

Oh, wow. You must be in hog heaven. Oh, it's literally hog heaven. You know how most, not most heavens, normal heaven, there's a stairway to get to it. Leather jacket heaven, you got to jump a motorcycle off a ramp through the gate. Wow. I'm going to be honest with you. Most of leather jacket heaven is pretty Fonzie specific.

Gates are walls that have an invitation for you. You said it, chief. Yep. I also would have accepted handle walls. Handle wall. That sounds like a German composer. I don't know. We don't do classical music in Leather Jacket Heaven.

It's all four songs from the American Graffiti soundtrack on loop. What's that? American Graffiti. It's a movie George Lucas made before he made that other movie. Star Wars. It would be the other movie I'm referring to. That's a good movie. I love Jar Jar Binks.

He's the best. He's in Leather Jacket Heaven, too. He's got a leather jacket, too? Yeah. What do you think? Because that guy's not dead. Andrew, I probably should have looked this up before we did this. Probably, yeah.

Didn't you have some kind of Bosnian friend or something last year? What's going on with him? I'll tell you what. Put a pin in it. Put a pin in that thread. And I promise you, by the next segment, when I remember what that was, he will show up. And how good the impression of his voice will be compared to last time remains to be seen.

Well, Keith's been awfully quiet. Does Andrew Nice Clay make you nervous? He went to go get the crullers. There's a lot of them. So it'll take him a pretty long time. But he told me to stay here and do whatever the next thing you guys are doing, something about a fanny pack. Oh, yeah. So this is one of our favorite segments here on Nice Boys

called the Glad Bag. I think this might be the only segment you've ever done. Yeah, you know, if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Yeah, right until the wheels fall off. And then it's a jet ski. One hit wonder. That's what my dad always said. I love your greaseball proverbs.

I know, right? That was in Psalms. Hey! Proverbs are what you use to describe verbs. I'm pro-verb, baby. Yep, who doesn't? All of them. I can't get enough of verbs.

We're talking run, skip, vote, eat. Sneak? Sneak! That's a great one. You always Vote. Eat. Sneak. Sneak. That's a great one. You always forget about sneak. If only there was a word for how it kind of comes up behind you and you don't think about it. Befriend. Yeah, befriend.

Tick. Is tick a verb? It's on a clock. What are clocks doing? Ticking off a box. Sorry, what were you saying? I didn't mean to cut you off. Okay, the glad bag is...

Yeah, explain the thesis of the thing. Bag that is glad. Glad that is bag. Bag that is glad. So you can go ahead. Go ahead. Pull the thing that makes you happy. It makes you happy.

Nice clay on the track. Wow, I love our new jingle. Thanks for surprising me with that. I acapella. Yeah. I acapella. It's my favorite Will Smith movie. He's got to fight a quartet from Cornell.

I wonder if at some point I'll be able to say what we're doing so we could not have to do it at some point. I sincerely doubt it. So we all wrote down. Time has no meaning in leather jacket heaven we count the passing of the days by entire pizzas we eat every meal is a whole pizza you roll it up like a big taquito and swallow it whole like an italian anaconda explain the bit uh so we we each wrote down something that makes us glad. Uh-huh.

And we put it in my favorite kind of container, a fanny pack. I love it. It's beautiful. And then we're going to pull them out and we're going to have to guess who wrote what. So I'll start us off. So we're trying to trick each other, but it's okay because we're friends. All right. A coherent set of butts. Hmm. What? So I'll start us off. So we're trying to trick each other, but it's okay because we're friends. All right.

A coherent set of butts. Hmm. What? Now, who would... Now, I got to figure out... Somebody kick over a Scrabble board. I know Keith likes butts. He does. I know Connor likes butts.

We got those in Method Jack in heaven. I'll tell you that. And Connor also loves coherency, so i think it's carter that's well you know it is and i do like coherency and that's making me second guess a couple of my friendships but i'm gonna have to guess that this one is tom i mean it's it's got a word that sounds like it should be there but doesn't make any practical sense there like in in theory that's a sentence fragment but in actuality it is truly a reach into the depths of madness so i will say tom and we have to wonder if you meant butt cheeks because butts don't typically come in sets

unless you have twins there you go but tom has dated many twins it's true it was me now what does that mean exactly it means a good day because it's a glad bag what good things come out of the glad bag so the butt is the bag it's okay the butt is coherent it's like oh i see that but it's not blurry and a set could be one or multiple butts. Hey, Tom, I have a quick question. What is this for subletting your body 80% of the time? What? I don't know. Sorry, I'm getting a call on my phone. Hello?

Yeah? All right, I'll be right there. Hey, listen, fellas, I got to go for a minute. They need me back in Leather Jacket Heaven. They need someone to yell off a fire escape at no one in particular. But I'll be back in a little while. I think Keith's coming back with the donuts. Have a good one, everybody.

Oh, he's gone. No need to acknowledge my departure. Bye, Andrew. Goodbye, nice. Hey, I'm back. What did I miss? Oh, Andrew and Ice Clay showed up for a little bit. Oh, cool.

Neat. Yeah. Did you get to meet them last year? I did. Yeah. Wait, where are the donuts? They're right here. You sound so angry. You sound so angry.

You sound so angry. You said you were going to bring donuts. These donuts are made up. They're really decorated nice. I wanted donuts. I don't have any donuts. What I have are crawlers. Oh, that'll be good.

Could you give me one of those? Yeah, you could just eat them. Where are they? I don't see them. You're probably you fucking idiot. Okay, pull something out of the goddamn bag. What a good time.

Alright, I got a bag. I got an extra I got an extra toe for swimming. And there's also a picture of a sassy little smiley face that I think is supposed to have his tongue out, but it kind of looks like he's smoking a big Mommy and Daddy cigarette. Oh, wow. All cigarettes are Mommy and Daddy cigarettes.

No, some are for children because they should be included. Yeah, well, based on the fact that the handwriting on this looks like it was written by a child that's currently on fire i'm gonna say it's tom uh yeah i think that's probably right with tom are you ready guilty wow you guys know if you have more toes you swim faster where'd you find this information the internet physics books yeah it seems like it would only make you swim faster, but you'd go left or right, like whichever foot had the toe. Oh, yeah. You got that two extra toes. I'm going to change it. Referendum.

How do you know the toe isn't where, like, a tail would go? So you could use it as, like, a kind of rudder with a fingernail. Oh, so you got a little directional thing. You should write for Mad Magazine, Keith. I think you could do it. I think you'd be so good. Yeah, I love when you say things, but they're a little different, so they sound like Mad Magazine.

They're kind of naughty, but they're fine. All right, I fixed it. Don't put it back in the bag, Tom. We already pulled it out. I think we got all the juice we're going to get out of the extra toe. Hey, how about this one? We'll just let him do it, and then we'll throw it away when we pick it. All right.

Two extra. Oh, now it says two in extra toe for swimming. Tom just got surprised by a thing he wrote down eight seconds ago. I'm going to draw a double. He's always full of surprises. You got to be about the things you don't expect about yourself. Yep. Now Tom is reaching into the wrong pocket pocket of a two pocket fanny pack

hey guys sorry i'm back i forgot my switchblade apparently we're having a rumble in leather jacket heaven later uh rumbles or what stuff are you guys rumbling with we're rumbling with uh the the devil guys whoa yeah they sound pretty scary no good they uh they don't they don't like leather jackets at all. Mr. Nice? They like keeping volumes down. They have negative opinions towards fettuccine. Wow, these sound like some rough customers. Yeah.

So we're going to be fighting in the alley later in this episode, probably. Have you rumbled with them before? We haven't rumbled. There's been a pretty strict no rumble policy in all the various heavens. Mr. Nice, you said Keith was going to bring crawlers, and he did not bring the crawlers. I'm pretty sure he brought them, and that was apparent to everybody else involved in the proceedings.

Alright, okay. I just wanted to eat. Alright, do you have anything else you'd like to know, Butt, or can I leave this piece of foreshadowing and come back in 30 minutes? I'm pro-Butt. Alright, take it easy, Chief. Alright, well that was... Andrew, you're leaving again, huh it easy, chief. All right, well, that was... Andrew, you're leaving again, huh?

Yeah, I'm going to go rumble with the guys. Goodbye, Mr. Nice. We're going to fight the devil, guys. If you want to come over later and help me out, I would appreciate it. Have a good one. Okay. All right, here's the next bag, lad. Kid Solving Mysteries.

Ooh. That is pretty fun. Yeah. You know what I like about kids solving mysteries? It seems like they'd be too young, but they're always rising to the occasion. Yeah, they usually have a tree house that they work out of. What's your favorite kid solving mystery? My favorite kid solving mysteries?

The special needs kid from earlier who learned how to skateboard. That's a good one. Because it was the mystery of how do I go down without screaming? Yeah. He really cracked the case. Yeah. And his head. Yeah.

It's a case for what's technically a brain. There you go. I really like the kid mystery where he figures out he sees dead people. Oh, that's a good one. The scent. Yeah. The scent. Yeah.

It's called. Yeah. Yeah. I smell dead people. That's what he says in that yeah that's i love that part the sixth scent there's your mad magazine parody oh boy and it's about bruce willis's gym bag oh it's pretty stinky i gotta say i mean keith got very very very hubbaba-looped over there after I pulled it. You heard it. I got hubba-lubba-dooped. Hubba-lubba-dooped.

This is going to put me in such a good mood for work after this. I'm going to be ready to go. I think it's Mr. Keith Carey. I. Was it you? Yeah, it was me. Wow. I thought you were going to guess.

Oh, no. I thought. I forget the rules. Hey. Rules are just guidelines. We got to play this game more often. Yeah, I think we should do. You know what we'll do after this one?

We'll do another glad day. We'll make this a four segment episode. Yeah. It's going to be a nice beefy two and a half hour show. I mean, there's, you know, there's never a shortage of things to be glad about. Yeah, we's going to be a nice beefy two and a half hour show. I mean there's there's you know there's never a shortage of things to be glad about. Yeah.

We love being nice all the time. Donuts with stuff inside them. Ooh. What kind of stuff? Gold. Like a wonder ball?

Like toys? You just eat you eat the donut and then You have a microphone you can talk into you eat the donut. You don't have to hold it like a corn cob and then just eat around the into. You eat the donut. You don't have to hold it like a corn cob and eat around the goal.

You look like you're playing a bad harmonica. Harmonicas are my favorite instrument, besides pianos. Pianos are buttons that make noise. Well, you're not wrong there, Chief. Yeah. I'm going to guess that this one is Keith. Yeah, it's me. Oh, I know.

What's your favorite filling for a donut? I like when they got the, not jelly, the vanilla jelly, like a cream. I like crawlers. You like crawlers? I gave you crawlers earlier. I don't see them. You got to believe. It's like the Harry Potter door.

What? Oh, like the train door? Yeah. The Platform 9 and stuff why don't why don't you put a crawler in your sweet mouth and stop stop yes anding this keith it's your turn to glad to back oh yeah this one says that's a lot of words picking picking my first outfit after laundry day when the options feel limitless. Who could it be? I don't know anybody like that in here. It was me.

You liar. That was Connor. I was trying to throw you off the sixth scent. We played you. I love clothes after laundry. Oh, you can pick whatever you want. And they're all warm, so it feels like your pants are hugging your heart. Yeah, and you could wear your favorite jeans, because everyone just has one pair of jeans they like, but they have

like five pairs of jeans, but they only wear one. Yeah, this is my only pair of jeans, and the crotch blew out on tour, so now I'm in trouble. Oh, I bet it's because you were out there making so many people happy, walking around, spreading your gift. Yeah, the joy came out of my thighs. Wow. Yeah.

Thighs are the biceps of the legs. Shutting up is the glad bagging of the right now. He said you can't say shut up. Okay. Shut up is, that's one of those gray area swears. Yeah. Like knickers. It's right on the edge.

Okay. Okay. Hearing Keith nibble his girlfriend's dumb face outside my room while I'm trying to write the show. Well, you sure? I mean, I'd say it was Connor, but that doesn't sound like me. Write the show doesn't sound right. Write the show. I mean, I do remember all of Connor's classic characters and sketches and effort.

I've had some good ones. Guy who's unimpressed by everything. You did Andrew Dice Clay, didn't you, last year? Well, we don't like to pull the curtain back too back. The third wall is the floor. The third wall, yep. Well, Tom only has two walls, So he has to break the third wall When he does his soliloquies to the Malcolm in the Middle audience

When you break the third wall, women get money They talk about that You gotta start saying women and not woman, Tom I think grammar is nice People understand my heart Well, I think it's Connor It was me Yay!

It makes me so glad Yeah I love it too You know what since I know you like it I was gonna try and not do it to be nice But I think we're gonna make whoopee out there We could throw the trash in the trash Nah Throw it right on the third wall Crumple it up put it on the third wall and then pee on it

I've been mouth gibbered over there Is that true? By who? Why would we name names here of all places? Because I can't imagine anyone still listening. First and last. Hey, it's me, Andrew Nice Clay. Just wanted to jump in and remind everyone I am the one who mouth gibbered Tom on the outside couch.

Ah, Mr. Nice. Yeah, we don't believe in sexual norms in Leather Jacket Heaven or in your weird back alley. What about regular norms? I feel like that's got the kind of 50s aesthetic that Leather Jacket Heaven would be all over. Yeah, the only regular norm is that guy from Cheers. Oh. Who is also not dead. There's a lot of alive, fat people in Leather Jacket Heaven.

They feel more at home. Yeah, well, you know. Everything smells like cigarettes and vague meat. Great. All right, see ya. Gotta go rumble. All right, bye. Good luck at the rumble, Andrew.

Thanks. I'm gonna stab him. This next one says, dogs doing people things. Hmm. Well, this sounds like it could be Tom, but I don't think he knows what people do, so I'm going to guess Keith. Tom thinks people think they're digging holes and putting bones in them. It was me. Wow.

I like when a dog does sports or helps a fireman. Oh, like MVP. Oh, that was, never mind. That's a monkey. Most valuable primate. Dogs aren't primates. I'm excited. You're thinking of Air Bud.

Yeah. Arguably the most famous dog. He doesn't play hockey, though. Who's the most famous dog? Clifford. Let me rephrase that. Top three most famous dogs. Not your favorite, but the most culturally recognized dogs.

Ooh, I don't know. I would say Air Bud. There's so many contenders. Air Bud, I would say Lassie. Okay. And then it gets a little weird there. Clifford. Clifford might be up there.

Clifford, Lassie, and Spock. If we're going on brand awareness, maybe Brian from Family Guy? Oh, you know. He's a naughty dog. I mean, my mom doesn't let me watch Family Guy anymore because, you know, Cleveland. Yeah. You know, you got to respect your elders what are you

talking about what oh man I feel like we've covered it all what a truly exhausting amount of smiley faces on this one pulling out of reading this is like reading ancient Egyptian picture words. Pulling out of the Glad Bag fanny pack.

Exclamation point, exclamation point, exclamation point, smiley face, exclamation point, smiley face, exclamation point, smiley face, exclamation point, smiley face, exclamation point, smiley face, exclamation point. I quit. Wow. Well, you threw the paper evie well does that mean it's your turn to get married to gladness i i never got divorced sorry a long time ago it's okay okay it was you know yeah what was the the thing i pulled out of the back oh it was. Man, I bet our fans are so happy right now. Oh, they've been waiting. They asked for it.

They did it to themselves, which is a kind of self-care. Yeah, you really hugged yourself on this one, everybody. The first sip of iced coffee before the cream is all the way dissolved throughout the cup. Oh, that sounds pretty nice. That does sound pretty nice. When you got the sharp tanginess of the coffee and the smooth, cool cream, and they're not one solution. They're both isolated and fighting for vying

for supremacy within your mouth. I mean, that sounds like one of the simple joys of life here on the good old planet Earth. We gotta do a friendship coffee date. Oh, one coffee, three straws, no frowns. We should go to one of the ones where they have scattergories. Oh, I love scattergories. Scattergories is math, but with letters.

Yeah, I always get a little turned off when gorys are too organized, so it's really right up my alley. Is scattergories the picture one? No, you're thinking of Pictionary. Yes. Yeah. Who came up with that, Tom? Monopoly.

Is that the one that's Scrabble? Operation is when you get in trouble, right? Yeah, Tom lost Scrabble when he ran out of money somehow in the game. I don't know. He pulled it off. He's a pretty creative guy. I tried to play tag. I got a royal flag. I don't know. He pulled it off. He's a pretty creative guy. I tried to play tag. I got a royal flush. This one's tough

because Connor's very excited but Keith drinks more coffee so I don't know if it's a trick-a-doodle. I'm gonna say... Trick-a-doodle would be a great name for Pictionary. Or a candy bar. I love candy. I'm just trying to keep the ball in the air because Connor's having a lot of fun.

And I don't want this segment to end. Yeah, I love balls. I'm going to say it was Keith. No. What? Oh, wow. It was Connor. You wrote it only like an hour ago, but what must have felt like a million years.

Fucking hooray. Holy shit. Holy shit. What a great news. Oh, yeah. I love it. We'll be right back. Ah, the bag's empty.

That's fine. Goodbye. Mean Boys Podcast is brought to you by Himalaya. Himalaya? Mr. Ear here to tell you about a podcasting app you listen to. Hey, it's me, Andrew Nice Clay from earlier, and I think that's great. Oh, I do, too. You listen.

And by merit of the fact that we've committed to this bit already, so does Connor. Yeah, guys, I couldn't think of two better people to help me list the amazing features and functions of the Himalaya app. You said it, Chief. Mystery, tell us at great and excruciating length about Himalaya. Well, it's a podcasting app with a great layout. They have tip buckets. Slower, savor it. They have playlists.

They have playlists. They have podcasts. Yeah, that was kind of implanted in being a podcasting app and all. Crystal clear audio. You want to jump in with some coherent ad copy here? No, I think you're covering it. I think that's about it. Again, I had a brief out-of-body experience. Himalaya, they got every podcast you like. Do I had a brief out-of-body experience. Himalaya.

They got every podcast you like. Do I have a podcast? Seems like some shit I do. Anyway, you can listen to it there. You can listen to Mean Boys. With your ears in Himalaya. That's what I've been telling them. I'm telling them all the time.

Subscribe. It's got a great layout interface. Oh, God, guys. I got lost in the woods on this one yep so that's the Himalaya podcasting app I think by this point you're definitely sold interface usually I go imagine having this one be the

one where you go you know what up until now I thought it sounded too highfalutin but now that they got the nice man signing off on the project I'm willing to go listen to Ben Shapiro over on whatever Chinese knockoff arena this is. Yep. So there it is.

Coughing and one rhyme-based character that doesn't sound like the source material telling you to get it. The impression's gotten worse. Yes. So there it is. It's in the show notes. Go download it. Gwong. Sweet lord, the smell. Hey, guys. Welcome back there it is. It's in the show notes. Go download it. Gwong. Sweet lord, the smell.

Hey guys, welcome back to Nice Boys. Oh god, again? Tom just, wow, Tom just brought us full circle with the Nice Boys tradition and dropped what I can only describe as a real big toot. He did it in the other room and it followed him like a backpack into where we are now. I guess Andrew Nice Clay is not the only ghost who lingered in this room. Yep. You want to go press the button on the air conditioner over there, Keith? Oh, hey, it's Andrew Nice Clay.

Something smells terrible in the other room. It smells like brown heaven. Wow, that wasn't very nice, Andrew. I meant poop, and I realized it sounded racist. Oh, so brown heaven's the toilet? Look, I was trying to do like four things at once here. Yeah, well, I do know standing is a pretty, I don't know. Anyway, bye.

All right, cool. Oh, bye, Andrew. I mean, cool. Yeah. Yeah. It's time for the nice boys mailbag, everybody. It's the nice boys mail mailbag Fudgy is good So is Pi

Send us an email or give us a call Tom's a good hugger and Connor is tall Fudgy Happy Shut up Nice Boys thing Yeah we got it Guys are you so glad I tooted in the other room? Was that a remix?

That was the remix to Drop the Bass You should be a DJ Oh, I should DJs are two letters What would my DJ name be? Oh, DJ, my best friend There you go

That's a good name Solid single off a softball pitch. How about you? Oh, DJ I have a stripy shirt. That's a lot of words. I saw it. Anyway, what's in the Nice Boys mail sack? Oh boy. Does this

Come on. We got so much more show. This is a very Nice Boys handle. At Pug Zombie. Oh. I love Pugs. What a great, I bet this guy's so interesting. They're meat that walks.

I bet he hangs out with Frank and Weenie. Frank and Weenie's a hot dog. Frank and Weenie. Is that two guys, or is that one undead wiener dog? It's an undead wiener dog. It's a Tim Burton movie. Oh, is it? Yeah.

Oh, he does the best movies. It's pretty good, and not at all insufferable in twee. Oh. Twee is a kind of jacket. Sure isn't. What did Pugface shit ask? He says, does Tom enjoy the helmet and have you shot it with a crossbow yet? Oh, I forgot. We got a helmet for you.

I do love the helmet. You got a helmet. Tom got a helmet while we're out on the road. Have you shot it with any of your new weapons? And I hope you're using proper safety protocols. Yeah. Yeah. I'm always safe when I shoot myself. Well, you gotta remember when you're shooting weapons,

the ABCs. A, always. B, B, C, don't shoot yourself. Yeah. I forgot the rules of the range. Yeah. Really important. Yeah. I enjoy the helmet. Haven't shot at it yet, though. I want to keep the helmet safe. I'm using me to protect the helmet.

That's why he puts it in his butt. Yeah. All right. At Josh Meng One asks, what's your go-to hype song? Here lately, I found myself having this in my head when I'm working behind the bar for 200 plus folks. You want to listen to his song? I sure do. You know, just to get a.

And thank you for the helmet. And in the meantime, what do you guys like to get jazzed up to when you need some extra pep? I listened to a recording of that Nice Boy Mail song I just sang for about an hour and a half before I have to do anything. Oh, yeah? Just on loop. I like to remind myself that you can do anything you believe in and that Connor is tall. Oh, that's... I'm so flattered that you're

reminding yourself of me. Little old me. If you can reach the top of the refrigerator, I can reach for the stars. That's so beautiful. I know. I'm a poetry guy. I listen to recordings of Shelton playing Rock, Paper, Scissors. Okay. Okay.

Here's a song. It's called My Year, a song from Luigi's Point of View. Luigi from the Mario games? Yeah. Wow, that's really... Hey, I was just in the other room. Is someone banging a Nintendo in here? Oh, come on, Andrew.

I'm just joshing you. It's good music. See ya. Sex before marriage is a sin, Mr. Nice. I could be married to the Nintendo. I don't know. Now that the gays can do it, anyone can do it. Married to the Nintendo.

That sounds like a T-shirt I saw at Target one time. I love the Target T-shirt section. There's so many different ways to express yourself. Oh, man. Target is just Walmart with aim. Whether you like the Rolling Stones logo or the Diet Coke logo. You can really let people know how much you are the Flash. Cuckminster Fail asks, when is Nice Boys 2019 going to drop?

Right now! Right now. Happy birthday to us. Happy birthday to us. Happy birthday, Dead Last. Nice Boys Podcast. We pray for swift death. Ah, death is bad. Sandwiches.

We all get sandwiches. So that's, we answered your question. All right. Curly Small Fries asks, first off, y'all are great. Thanks. Horribly hilarious. Thanks. I'm assuming horrible is used in its other form as a signifier of magnitude.

Is he razzing us? Maybe a little bit. Are we getting the business? It's okay. Raz is a kind of fairy. Did you download a file called business.exe? Wow, that was a lot of syllables. That sentence fell down some stairs on the way to my mouth.

Stairs are escalators that are lazy. Okay, Mitch Hedberg. Yep okay yep oh i forgot that was his joke yeah it's okay comedians love sharing jokes what's the what is what are we my question is how do you move on with the life you've spent the last five years building with another person by yourself help me get through a hard breakup nice boys oh no wow no. Can I hear that one more time? That sounds pretty rough. How do you move on with the life you've spent the last five years building with another person by yourself? Help me get through a hard breakup.

Nice boys. Now, I'll take my answer off the air, but did you try a boombox outside the window? You know. Because Say Anything's not only a band, it's also a movie where someone does that. That's true. Say Anything is so many things. Yeah. You could. That's true. Say anything is so many things. Yeah. You could be said about anything.

Well, I say many things. I don't know. How do you deal with a breakup? Well, you know, if I think he could take a page out of our book and just remember the things that make it work. Steal Mitch Hedberg's joke. Tell her you don't want a receipt for donuts. You know, a breakup can't really be broken. It can only be temporarily stares.

And I think that's something to remember. Yeah. As we continue our pointless climb to leather jacket heaven. There we go. So I think it's important to remember the things that make you glad. You know, like... Your friends. Your friends.

Crawlers. Yeah. I realize that I probably... Inexplicably this show? Probably I wouldn't even have a good answer if I didn't have to do this bit. I feel like I'd have a slightly better one. Here's the thing you got to remember. Nothing lasts forever, but now you get to do a new thing.

Yeah. Experience new things with new people. And, you know, maybe be a little bit naughty with a new person and go out on the town. Yeah, you can go say swear words with a girl at your local bar. Wow. Go over there and say, I don't know, fart or whatever girls like. Right now it really sucks, but things do get better. You know, one time a friend of mine gave me a very sincere piece

of advice for how to get over a breakup and he told me this and he really believed that he said that the trick is to to picture your ex-girlfriend and then imagine her getting sex down by black guys that was a guy we all know i'll tell you who it is later. Oh, no. So I've never tried it, but I think, you know, maybe you could get some use out of it. This is supposed to make him feel better? You said that's the only way to purify your mind and to get over it. This seems like our mutual friend, who I'd love to know who it is,

has some problems. Well, he read about it on one of his forums, so, I mean, I'm sure those guys know what they're talking about. What color pills does he like? Are they red? That's one way to be a man going your own way. You'll be happy again. You'll find somebody new and you'll enjoy it. I can't be helpful and do this.

Yeah. I mean, you know, it's a, maybe we'll re-answer this question on the next episode. I think that's a good idea. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Mr. Party Beer. I don't know about that name.

That's a little bit, that's a little bit X-rated for us. Yeah. Mr. Sleepy Time Fruit Punch asks. At Granddaddy Senpai. Oh, man. Japanese stuff is so cool. I met a cat named Senpai on tour. Oh, I met that cat, too.

Yeah. I don't know why I said it like you weren't also there. Yeah. I don't remember this. Stop taking all the cat stories. The cat in Nashville with the big eyes and the inquisitive spirit. That was a cool cat. I like that cat.

Yeah. He asks, next time you come to Denver, do you want to roll up my college diploma and smoke it with me? Yeah. I mean, I don't smoke, but I do love celebrating education. I do, too. Yeah. And in a way, it's recycling. Yeah.

I think it's good. You turn it back into air. I like smoke. Okay. All right. Maddie Hallman asks, did any of you do anything you've never done before on tour? Cocaine. What's that?

It's like frosting for your brain. Oh, wow. Was it fun? Yeah. The one time you don't have a huge follow-up. Did it make you feel nicer? It made me. I said a lot of big words. I feel like it would make this podcast even more fun.

I think it might be the only thing that could stop my eyes from bleeding right now. Next time on Ice Boys, we have a plan. Yeah. Happy co-ca- Okay. I have a plan. Yeah. Happy Coke. Okay. I thought we were all singing. Happy Coke. I tried. Not to brag, guys, but I did get pretty adventurous while I was on the road, too.

I tried coleslaw for the first time. You did, and you were real proud of yourself. You know what? It was growth. Yeah? It's important to celebrate growth, not just within your friends or within the trees down at your local park, but within yourself. Did you like coleslaw? It was fine. Yeah. It's important to celebrate growth, not just within your friends or within the trees down at your local park, but within yourself. Did you like coleslaw?

It was fine. Yeah. It's wet vegetables. It was just fine. And you know, sometimes things... What is it if not fat salad? You know, most things aren't really good or bad. They're just kind of there.

Yeah. And you don't need to create a whole narrative about the relationship with you. You can just go do something that you actually like. Right. Like eat hot chicken. There you go. I tried hot chicken for the first time. I loved hot chicken.

We had real Nashville hot chicken. You guys got a little too spicy, though. I pooped a knife. Yeah. I pooped death for several days. I love imagery. Yeah. It's so fun.

Can't get enough of it. Oh, it's the best. Yeah. Any other questions No but we have 43 Unlistened to voicemails So Let's dive into them

We're going through all of them We're doing every single one Let's absolutely not do that Oh we can We got it in us It'll be great. And I think, you know, I. OK.

All right. So let's play this one. See what he has to say. Oh, I can't hear it. I must have done the volume wrong. That was too loud. I hear him a little bit. He's very whispery.

All right, let's start it over and use a little magic of editing. Is he in comfy sweater purgatory? That's what everything sounds like there. That's where you go when you wait to get a show. Once again, thank you all so much for doing the show in Orlando. It was fucking fantastic. You, the other comedians, and the mistress were awesome.

And I hope you enjoyed the cookies too. Anywho, I mostly wanted to bring up how the Tom Gospel segment you did, which you absolutely must do again, brought up some repressed memories I had about my time in the Orthodox Jewish school system in which I got placed for most

of it in their excuse of a special ed program because, you know, if a kid doesn't show interest in 2,000-year-old cattle laws, he must be retarded. But, yeah, they had me play this point-and-click adventure game that more or less ran through the whole story

of Ehud assassinating the fat blob of a king. And I do distinctly remember just his close-up of the knife just getting swallowed up by his fat gut in some sort of, like, bright, cartoony style, which was interesting. But really, that was the more fun memories I have. What I do remember is the half-dozen speeches

that were about how it's a damn shame we can't burn gay people in the streets and execute Arabs for them being the descendants of a mohawk and all that. But I... What are you going to do? Yeah, and on that note, I wanted to say, Tom, if you're still interested in Judaism, you really should know it's about as fucked up as all the other major religions.

But, hey, you can always make your religion your own. And on that note, I just wanted to ask you guys if you could create and lead your own religions to manipulate nukes with what sort of personal touches would you have to it? Thanks. Fuck everything. God is dead. Church of fudge. I wish we had a guy that thought he was Italian

but was actually Jewish here to weigh in on all this Judaism talk. That would be really helpful at a time like this. Yeah, two babies out at that rumble. Hey, I came back! Oh, wow! How was the rumble, Hey, I came back! Oh, wow! How was the rumble, Andrew?

The rumble, well, yeah. Oh! You're a Jewish-Italian. Yay! It seemed like you would have picked up on where that was going. Anyway, listen, here's the thing. Like I said, I mouthed Jim and Tom before.

We're real into sexual exploration up in Leather Jacket Heaven. The rumble turned into more of an Annie Hall goes kind of scenario. Whoa. I had sex with 900 demons. No way. Did they take turns or all at once?

No, I mean, I only got so many holes in hands. That's true. I had to really diversify, but I'm talking two in the hands, one in the mouth, couple in the butt. Did something with my feet at one point. It might have been a twig I couldn't see back there. Yeah. Anyway, the point is I'm very sticky. Does anybody have a towel?

No. If you fold your ball sack correctly, you can make swoopy with that, too. How big is your ball sack? It's as big as it needs to be. I don't need a towel. I'm just going to air dry like a dog. Hang on a second. Oh, I got it on the walls.

It's on the bed. Oh, that's okay, Andrew. It's something in your hair. You got a lot of ectoplasm in the kitchen last time, but it washed right out. Anyway, I heard something about Jewishness. What are we doing? Yeah, this guy was saying that Judaism is actually as bad as all the other religions for no reason. He called in to tell us that.

If you listen closely, there's context from some Patreon bonus. Oh, that's right. Yeah, okay, yeah. I have no vested interest in making sure people don't think the people who run this podcast are anti-Semites. Being a separate entity and all. But I feel like it's important to note you can pay $5 a month to buy that we don't hate Jews. We keep it suspenseful. We got everything on the Patreon.

We update sporadically. The volume is inconsistent. We're not always super into it. And vague Jew problems. Oh, yeah, those are my favorite parts. Anyway, I mean, here's the thing about Judaism, they don't tell you. They're not big fans of the everyone else, but they got weird fish, and it seems like it's going to be bad. And then you eat it, and it's a little better than you thought it would be.

Wow. Yeah. That's really interesting. I love learning about cultures. Yeah. Fish are the mice of the ocean. They got a soup where the secret ingredient is bread that's bad at being bread. Oh, man.

You really, I should call you yogurt dice, Clay, because between all that knowledge and all the stuff on the walls, there's a lot of cultures happening in this room right now. Oh, I tell you. Move over, Jews. Someone else is taking a long walk here. Yeah. 40 years in the desert is how long it took to get to that joke. I'm trying to do something here.

I know. I'm ribbing you. Oh, ribs are delicious. Speaking of ribs, not one of those demons wore a condom. What would your... Raw dogged by servants of the devil. What would your special power...

It won't open. Let's answer his goddamn question oh i want to talk in more graphic detail about what's happened to my anal cavity what was his question how many demons fucked my butt an amazing question so how did he know yeah that's the thing he's prescient maybe this guy's a demon maybe actually you know we're getting into this judaism thing we really need to take a left turn away from this tangent what was the question? If we could have our own religion, what would the main character be? I imagine Andrew, it would be like Bob's big boy, but instead of a cross, it would be a staple from when he got his tummy tucked.

Oh, I like that. The Mexican lap band surgery. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But they eat so much, he keeps opening it up and then healing again. It's the consistent miracle of Saint Taco Pants. Yeah. It's like that one guy that gets eaten alive in Greek hell. Yeah.

Is that anything like Italian heaven or whatever? Greek hell? Yeah. It's very similar. A lot of shouting out windows. Back hair, oilier than you could imagine. Oh, wow. Truly.

Tom, what would you make? I would maybe do a giant shoe. Elaborate? They're the gloves of the feet. Not really giving me any new information. I don't really understand the question. Tight. The religious symbol I would choose is the stop button on this recorder for this podcast specifically.

Because, you know, once it's all done and the people get to hear it, that's really the magical part or fucking whatever. You ran out of gas. Yeah, okay, next voicemail. 42 to go. This is my first time calling and leaving a voicemail. And I just want to thank you guys for coming to Atlanta. I was probably the one begging for it the most on social media. And unfortunately, I'm only 20, and the place you guys were at was 21 and up.

And I was very sad, but I just want to say I love you guys, and thanks for coming. And I feel like by being too young to go to a bar, I very much represent your fan base. Aw. Oh. That's really sweet. That's very sweet. Next time, just grease the palm of the doorman. They'll let you in.

Yeah. I got grease to spare. A little Crisco goes a long way. I really got, like, you know in Archer how all the characters are drawn with thick outlines? I got that, but it's olive oil. It was virgin olive oil until 20 minutes ago. Yeah. When I got ran through by 4,000 feet of Satan dick.

Running is a way to exercise. You said it, Chief. Anyway, thanks for telling us to come to a show you can't go to. We feel bad about it. Yeah, I don't really. You didn't go to wow that was feel bad about it yeah i i don't really you didn't go to it either i didn't i was i was in the i was in the ontario urgent care humble brag finding out i'm medically anemic which is a fun thing where i now i know why i'm cold all the time anemic is when you don't eat nope nope it's when i i guess don't have enough iron, but if I needed some iron, I could probably just go to Andrew's garage and pump some with him.

Hey, there you go. Deadlift a barbell into your mouth, you pansy. Yeah, you look... I'm swole. Like you're taking care of yourself or something. Yeah, there's a lot of protein going in. Okay, how much more do we have to do? I'm triple tapping this whole demon cum thing, because it didn't work, but it might be funny later. Okay, how much more do we have to do? I'm triple tapping this whole demon cum thing because it didn't

work, but it might be funny later. Yeah, man. We could probably call it a day on Nice Boys 3. Should we do one more? One more! Let's see if some magic happens. Okay, this is clearly not a complete thought, so we'll skip that

one. Wait, okay. Okay, let's do this one. This one seems fun. Oh. Um, oof. Hey, well, I'm drunk. I was like, oof, that was me laying down. But anyway, so, okay.

I was chatting with my boyfriend about this tonight. When you get off, do you use your left or right hand, and are you, like, left or right-handed? Because I was saying that I use my right hand, but I'm left-handed, and I wasn't sure if other people have the same experience where they're left-footed. That's really all. I mean, that's really all. I don't know why I said that.

Okay. Thanks so much. Fuck everything I've said. That's the whole voice now. Bye. I'll take this one. When I pleasure myself, I don't use the left Or the right hand What I do is

I get a stromboli You ever had a stromboli? No It's like a calzone That's been to prison It's shagged Okay And I just set it on a shelf

I put a copy of Tony Danza's autobiography On top To keep the pressure right Yeah And then I just Slide on in there And let the sausage

And the Italian gravy Do their work. Wow. No hands. I keep my hands on my hips like Superman after he saves a cat. What a creative move. Don't even thrust. Just put it in there and let the heat kind of ferment the load out of me.

I use my right hand because that's what you shake hands with. And so it's like sharing with the world. And then your hands will stick together for longer. So you're better friends. I see what your logic is. That's why Tom's always closing business deals. I'm picking up what you're putting down and what you're putting down apparently has a bunch of your cum on it. Yeah, I use my left hand because I discovered pornography when I was 11.

So it's cool that I can never have a meaningful relationship with a woman or feel truly connected with one. But I'm really good with my left hand now, guys. There you go. You're like Jimi Hendrix. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Well.

That's it. That's it. Oh, hey, I'm Keith. I'm back for the end of this thing. Oh, hey, Keith. Yeah. Wow, guys. I can't believe we did it.

Did you bring the crawlers? The crawlers have been here the whole time Tom I'm eating one right now Pick up the donuts you goofy bitch Keith and Andrew you guys finally get to say hi How are you doing Andrew? I'm good Keith do you want to interview Andrew For like 20 minutes? No

I just think you would really I think you guys probably have the best connection Yeah I mean here's the thing We've been talking look if I'm being honest No. Okay. I just think you would really, I think you guys probably have the best connection. You would probably get. Yeah, I mean, here's the thing. We've been talking. Look, if I'm being honest, I said I fucked all those demons. It was just Keith. Wow.

Yeah. He can astral project. He's like a hot tub of demons. Yeah. I did notice that he turns into a bunch of monsters when sunlight touches him. That's the sound of the monsters. We're so... We had a pretty natural

out point here and we flew too close to the sun on Wings of Cruller. Yeah. That's not something good to make wings out of. Let's end this.

Okay. Let's end this and die. That was the nice boys. Guys, we're such friends. That was the nice... Thank you for tuning in to the last Nice Boys podcast. It's never the last one

when you have friends in Connor's bedroom, in a house in Los Angeles, in California, in the United States of America, on the planet's face. Okay, that was a good song. Goodbye. Love everything. God is alive.