Mean Boys - BONUS #12 - The "Connor's Mom's Birthday" Episode (August 2023)

Episode Date: November 2, 2023

Before we launched the comeback mini-series, over the summer we recorded an episode together for Connor's Mom's birthday. In true Mean Boys fashion, we sat down to pod together for the first time in years and the audio got all fucked up, but we still wanted to share it with you guys. Send us an e-mail at meanboyspodcast@gmailcom Leave us a voicemail at [phone] Follow us on Instagram: http://instagram.com/meanboyspodcast Enjoy our Discord server: http://discord.gg/5KWf32m Fuck with the Mean Boys subreddit: http://reddit.com/r/meanboys Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey everybody, it's Keith. So we gave you a live episode this week. We want to give you a little bit of bonus content as well. What you're about to hear is the first episode that the three of us recorded over the summer when we were talking about getting back together. Connor hit me and Tom up and he had the idea of recording a one-off Mean Boys for his mom for her birthday. We thought that was a great idea and a good way to kind of kick the tires on if we still knew how to do this dumb fucking show. We wanted to make it one of the 10. What ended up happening instead is the audio is all manner of fucked up. You're about to hear my mic is barely plugged in. It sounds like a disaster, but it was really fun.

It was funny. It's, I think, a cool thing to exist that this is the real first comeback episode we did there's also uh sketches on this uh if you want to hear uh Mark Malloy that I think uh turned out pretty good that Connor uh wrote uh definitely stick around for that but yeah we'll be back with more uh actual episode next week but we want to give you a little extra so here it is hey everybody welcome to the mean boys podcast back from the dead bitch i'm connor mcspadden i'm key. I'm Tom Goss. And we're crawling back. There it is. Yep.

Oh, David Spade ain't paying the bills no more, is he? No, Lordy. It's so funny, man. It's been so long since we did this, and it's gotten built up to such a mythological place in my head where I'm like, we're going to get the boys back together, and it's going to be like, oh my God, it's like Nirvana reuniting and they dug up Kurt Cobain and then it's still just the three of us sitting around at a party.

Wearing headphones like we're all cool guys pretending to be helicopter pilots or some shit. Just trying to amuse each other. I forgot that this just boiled down to making you guys laugh. Kurt Cobain is alive and he's boring now. What a weird concept for a show. He really worked

on himself and now he's got nothing to write songs about. Now he loves putting his shit in car commercials. Where did I sleep last night? Somewhere with the door. Oh God, they're using lithium in a new Tesla battery commercial. New Tom's cherry

flavored antacid. They're just literally doing deodorant that smells like teen spirit. Oh, fuck. I am so grateful to the boys for doing this. I kind of put a little bit of pressure on you guys because my mom's birthday is coming up, and I wanted to give her something special. I got my dad something special. I thought the only thing that could be as special as what I did for my dad, I rented him a brand new C8 Corvette. We drove around the canyons all day.

The only thing I could do for my mom that would even get close to that was a Mean Boys reunion. I think if we've learned anything from that sentence, that you love your dad way more than you love your mom. I know. I was like, oh, I really fucking painted myself into a corner here, son-wise. I got my dad a race car, and I got my mom us working. Yeah, a recording of me calling you fat.

You know what's cool about this podcast? It's going to be the first one that's available as an MP3 and as a paper file you can print out and put right up on the fridge. I'm super into this gift because it's the only gift that is also a curse. And I enjoyed that we had said that to your mom. We reopened Pandora's box and we have to do this again. No, I had a little mom story. Sometime in May, I forget the exact day, I rushed over to my mother's house in a panic

because I thought that I'd forgotten Mother's Day. And I went over there and I was like, Mom, I'm fucking so sorry. Like, I love my mom. She's a great mom. I tried to, you know, for a phone call, a meal, a little gift or something, you know, show up. And I rushed over there and she's like, it's not Mother's Day. And I was like, what? And she's like, it's not Mother's Day.

And I was like, oh, okay, weird. And we spent the whole day together. We had a nice day. We realized later on it was English Mother's Day. Oh. And I had thought that I'd missed Mother's Day because I woke up to an OnlyFans message from a porn star named Paige Turner sending me stepmom porn that said, Happy Mother's Day. And as I looked at the stepmom porn that said, Happy Mother's Day,

I thought, God, I'm a terrible man and a terrible son. Did you tell your mom about that? No, I was actually saving it for this. Okay, good. I was going to say, why would you tell your mom about that? And then I remember recording this. No, she kind of gets a kick out of that shit you tell your mom about that? And then I remember recording. Yeah. She kind of gets a kick out of that shit.

The ultimate irony is that it was also Father's Day. That's totally, totally whiffed. Yeah, that's so fucking funny. Fucking stepmother's day. I got you a dryer. You definitely won't get stuck. That's the horniest holiday. Yeah, exactly.

So long, Christmas. Halloween fucked Valentine's Day. All the... What do you think the horniest holiday is? Halloween, probably. Oh, because everyone's... Yeah, that's right. Everyone's thought about it. Yeah, it's Sluttoberfest.

I think the horniest holiday is probably like Ramadan. Or like Lent. Like one of the ones where you're not allowed to fuck. Oh, yeah. Okay. It's like, oh, I really want to fuck where you're not allowed to fuck. Oh, yeah. OK. It's like, I really want to fuck and that makes you horny.

Maybe. I guess I don't really know about Ramadan. I don't know if you're allowed to fuck or. Yeah, we'll have to ask Ramsey what the Ramadan Ramadan jackoff policy is.

It is. Put the Don in the Ramadan tongue. Dang, Diggle. Oh, Black Betty. You do have to be pretty horny to not eat in exchange for 72 versions. That is pretty horny to not eat in exchange for 72 versions.

That is pretty horny when we really break it down. It's a very horny religion at the end of the day. Yeah. It's just, it's horny death, which is also Halloween. So maybe there's a connection there. But horny death is really, what is that if not horny fear, which is just love, as we already know. It's an old Tom Goss lightning round. Yeah, and the world keeps spinning.

It keeps coming back. Slowly the loop of all things becoming something Tom said five years ago. There is a bizarre world where those dumb things I've said become like, it's happened a little bit with some things, but become like meme culture.

And then ten years from now, there's some child explaining shoulder pants to me the guy invented shoulder pants i invented being a fucking dumbass you just stole it from me it's weird being an old man podcaster because i'll meet young comedians like oh you were one of the mean boys huh like we were in the wild west of calling each other gay on the radio yeah or like i was in like minor thread or something like it's just bizarre yeah no i've had that too it is it is it is strange yeah and every once in a while someone will message you and you'll be like wow really thanks thanks for influencing me and i you know all your work i really got a lot out of it and then you go look at what they do and they just like take the poop on sculptures and fucking do terrible comedy that with the n

word in it you really influenced my life what are you doing now i mostly eat rats off the freeway yeah i got a really touching message from a guy who had a bit that was basically arnold schwarzenegger but saying the n-word at the end you inspired me to write a joke from 40 years ago i'm glad that you're doing an art yeah Yeah, you inspired me to join middle school. The word art has never belonged more in quote marks.

Yeah, truly. It is, yeah. No, I've gotten some of those messages. Not as much. Yeah, I don't know. The whole thing, the fallout, I feel like I got a lot of negative messages. I got the positive ones, but. I got the positive ones, but I definitely got some negative ones, too.

Oh, really? Yeah. I didn't get too many negative ones. Was it like, fuck you for stopping? Yeah, after Tina's ended, I got because I think a lot of people who listen to Tina's were just like waiting for Mean Boys to come back. And then when that ended,

it was like, you fucking piece of shit. You shut down my methadone clinic. You were weaning me off the Mean Boys. You guys were good, but you were there. Tinas, we should note, this is not a show the

program Keith and Tom did. Yeah, born out of pandemic. Pandemic. Yeah, a lot's happened. Or should we say the plandemic? Oh, yeah, we never got to do Mean Boys during COVID. That was all made up, right?

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I actually wrote for COVID. All your jokes are like, a new virus from China. It closed the mall or whatever. For a second, Keith and I got really plugged in. We were ghostwriting for the deep state. We were punching up their global domination schemes. And I was like, roll out some UFO stuff.

Get people distracted. Sleepy Joe, all Keith. Yeah. Yeah, Keith every morning feeds Joe Biden a big plate full of turkey. So he's nice and sleepy. What, you thought we just elected a basically dead guy? That's the best way to describe joe basically dead guy just feeling the last of his blood move like i feel like his heart beats once per minute just the only thing that makes me feel like being joe biden seems all right is he's probably a little

too fucking far gone to know how mad everyone is at him all the time. Yeah. Right. That must be kind of nice. Right. Like if your grandpa, like, you know, your uncle or whatever has dementia, you're not like he's like, I don't know. I'm hanging out. I'm doing my thing. Like, I don't know what everybody's pissed off about. Oh, sometimes my grandpa has dementia. Sometimes he gets into shenanigans. Sometimes we get angry at him. He has no idea. He thinks it's a game. He loves it. Ain't a stinker. Yeah, exactly. In so many words, yes.

Every morning, Joe Biden wakes up and goes, ooh, time to play hide-and-seek with Putin again. All right, boys, I'm feeling fired up. You guys want to get into the Mexican joke? Yeah, let's do it.

Hi, so topical. Oh, man, I haven't heard that. I feel like Obi-Wan Kenobi seeing R2-D2. I haven't heard that name in a long time. Do you mind if I take it away? No, Oh, man. I haven't heard that. I feel like Obi-Wan Kenobi seeing R2-D2. I haven't heard that name in a long time. Do you mind if I take it away? No, please.

Please. A manatee in Florida died after intense sexual activity. It's the first time somebody's been fucked to death by a sea cow since Keith Carey deactivated his grind. This is Keith jumping on the grenade strategy of, I'm going to take the manatee story so Connor can't. I texted you guys about this, but fucking opening up like, you know, r slash animal death or whatever. Fucking deep corners of the web. And just the first time I saw manatee fuck to death my brother, I'm just like, oh, God, again.

You know what? I'll go next. A sunbathing pig caused a highway back up in New Zealand. Weeks ago, Keith Carey saw this article and said, oh boy, I'm sure glad Mean Boys doesn't exist so I don't have to hear a horrible comparison anymore. Oh my God. All right. I fucking missed you guys.

I missed you guys too. Let's lay off the low blows on Keith for a second. The first new U.S. nuclear reactor in decades just entered commercial operation in Georgia. The facility will produce enough power to cool one Keith Carey in the summertime. I wouldn't have done that if you hadn't texted me about it. I forgot that's a move that always works. Yeah. Oh, fuck.

All right, I forgot that. Yeah, yeah. I did selfishly think, well, surely someone will write one about the other guy. But hey, fuck me, right? I feel like I just took a shit I've been holding in for five years. Oh, my God. All right. Barbenheimer has ignited controversy in Japan,

with many claiming the meme is insensitive to victims of the bombings. Japan has also greenlit their own toy slash disaster movie double feature, Hello Kitty, Goodbye World Trade Center. That's really good. Nice. Barbenheimer might be the number one thing that you look at and you're like,

I cannot believe that's real life and not a Mean Boys sketch. I mean, they didn't call it Barbashima or Barbasaki. Right. They should have, but they didn't. So I have a pitch because I know that some studio exec right now is going to try and figure out, all right, what is the next double feature we can rig like Barbenheimer? So I have a pitch for it. Real quick, Barbasaki is Barber Streisand takes over Japan. Sorry.

So here's my pitch. All right, so it's a street and there's people cheering and they're celebrating and Optimus Prime rolls down the street and you're like, oh, they must be celebrating

because he saved the Earth from the Decepticons. But no, they're cheering. Who's on the back of Optimus Prime? President John F. Kennedy. I've come to kill the Decepticons. Magic bullet, more than meets the eye.

Magic bullet, shot by the FBI. Alright, back to this Bay of Pigs here. George H.W. Bush puts a sniper rifle away, turns into a motorcycle, and drives away. Dude, fucking presidents as, like, autobots would be low-key sick. I mean, that's basically the Hall of Presidents at Disney World. Well, yeah, Joe Biden turns into a, you see him in his old C2, he turns into a C2 Corvette Stingray because he's old school and badass. Oh, I love that.

What car does Bill Clinton turn into? God damn. Pussy wagon. Oh, like a fucking van. He's a 60s Volkswagen bus because you can fuck inside. It vaguely makes you think of good vibes and fun times. I think he just turns into

a giant saxophone on wheels. He's just driving like a parade float. Jackson turns into that car that drove through the BLM rally. No, he turns into a covered wagon that says, Indians, get in here. Dear trailer. All right.

A Chinese zoo had to come forward based on accusations that a sun bear was actually a man in a bear costume. This denial was stated by three children standing on each other's shoulders in a trench coat. Did you see that bear? I saw a photo of it.

It literally does just look like a dude dressed like a bear. Yeah, the photo I saw, it looked just like a shitty bear. I think we're describing the same thing. It looked like a bear, though. Like when you put sunglasses on a dog's butt, they just kind of dressed him up? Here, I'll pull up a picture of it.

Yeah, I might have seen, I mean, a lot of it is angles. I might have saw his good angle because I think the article I read was pro-China Zoo. Okay, you were on the... That is not the photo I saw. Yeah, this is the picture that everyone's talking about. Oh, he does kind of just look like a dude in a bear suit. Yeah, but that, okay, he does... He just look like a dude in a bear suit. Yeah. Yeah, but that, okay, he does. He has a really good mask and a really shitty, like, body part.

Well, he's, like, bipedal. Like, he's, like, standing up like he's taking a piss. Which bears can do. You know what it is? It's the arms. The arms look very, like, that's a human, like, way for a person to hold their arms. But if I was an actor playing a bear, I would have done more research. I think that's

a coincidence. That's my... I'm deep diving in the bears. Much of the bears... Yeah. I know, yeah. I was waiting if you were going to take that, or I was going to have to do something.

It took us four years to workshop this bear talk. And I feel like, I'm not going to say it's going poorly, but I had higher hopes for it. I don't know what kind of car Obama is, but it's purple. Oh, no, he turns into a Plymouth Prowler. Okay, yeah, that's the one. Because it's the most pimplicious vehicle. Yeah. You know, Elon Musk changed the name of Twitter to X.

His giant glowing X logo in San Francisco is blinding his neighbors like that episode of Seinfeld with the fucking Kenny Rogers roasters. He says he has no plans

to change it. I get it. As a lover of fat woman, I'm also obsessed with my giant X. That's not a dating show on TLC. My giant X?

Yeah, right after my 600-pound wife and look at this bitch's knees or whatever. I just feel the gravitational pull just drawing me back to you. When did that happen? Because I just found out about it, I think yesterday. I went on Twitter and I saw Elon Musk goes,

ex will not be leaving San Francisco. He was making a grandstand before I actually found out that he changed the fucking name and I got very confused. It was like the past week. He changed the name. He put the big light up X on the building and then everyone went knock it off, fuckface, and then they took the X

down. Oh, they took it down already? Oh, did they? The story's from yesterday. Yeah, I thought I saw that they took it down. I could be wrong about that. Maybe I just thought that they're going to have to or something. Well, since Grimes dumped him, he's been obsessed with his ex. Right. I saw the picture of the building with the ex on it, and it looks like the kink.com building. Oh, the fucking scary warehouse?

That was in San Francisco. That's what I'm saying. For a second, I thought it was that. Okay, I haven't seen the building. Because there's this thing that I found on Facebook where it's, I think it's Hilton or Hyatt. I think it's Hilton, but it's a hotel chain and they're advertising this hotel in, it's either Philly or

Mexico, somewhere bad. Ah, yes, Philadelphia. Cheesesteak, Mexico. The Philly of the South. But it just says, like, you know, rooms for rent or whatever, but the picture is, like, of a building that looks exactly like the kink.com building

at the exact angle. And every time they share the ad, you go to the comments, and there's people who are, like, a community of dunking on this one thing. They're all like, hey, I haven't seen you guys in months. It's my turn, right?

Yep. All right. Lizzo is being sued for harassment by her backup dancers. The trial will begin as soon as they replace Lady Justice's scale with the one they used to weigh trucks at the border. I'm not the only fat bitch in town. Gotta love a weigh-in on the truck scale joke. Yeah, we were talking about this before Tom got here.

Did you see that she had her backup dancers eat a banana out of somebody's vagina? Lizzo did? Yeah. You know, of course she's making other people eat now. She wants to be like, first one to finish it gets the solo? Yeah. Oh, oh, shit. Was that actually what it was?

I think this was just regular weird boss power trip stuff. She went to Amsterdam and she was doing weird, fucked up shit with her coworkers. No, they're coworkers. Associates in thickness or whatever. Yeah. Sorry. She was calling them fat and making them work for 12 hours.

I did an award show where Lizzo did Juice and she did a dance number and it was fucking incredible. She's a showman. She was really good. But just the way that she was like you can kind of just tell with celebrities after a while working with them just the way they walk around set i was like do not fuck with this woman under any circumstances have her fucking postmates on time like she's good and she knows it and she expects to be treated as such and i'm not so very thin-skinned yeah i'm not surprised by this at all no it's like her body because her skin's been stretched for so long.

It's so full. There's not even stretch marks. It's all full. It's all full. Like, it's all. Yeah, it's like a love sack. Yeah, she works with balloon rules. It's like a beach ball with no dents in it.

She does put on a great show, though. Like, I saw her in San Diego, and she let the trainer ride right on her back. It was really something. That's fat on fat crime is what that is. Diplomatic immunity. She just seems like a sociopath. This is very fucked up. She lost me because I liked her fucking song where she was a percentage of bitch.

It was a great song. I think it was called Meth. I don't even know. I don't know what you're talking about. DNA test. Turns out I'm 100% that bitch. Oh. Oh, God. I only knew this in meme form.

I sort of tapped out after Juice, if I'm being honest with you. I thought Truth or Truth was before. I think it's in the same album. Maybe I'll drop it in here. I made of tapped out after Juice, if I'm being honest with you. I thought Truth or Lies was before. Maybe I'll drop it in here. I made a compilation of that song where every time she says Juice, it's just David Swimmer from that O.J. Simpson show singing Juice. I just remembered it the other day and I remembered it but forgot it was

you that made it. I just thought it was a meme I found. I'm like, alright, that was my buddy. Well, this is what happens when you can't make Mean Boys sketches and do stuff like, Dar right, that was my buddy. Well, this is what happens when you can't make Mean Boys sketches and do stuff like, Darcy blows. Darcy blows again. Actually, I'll say, I have something like that too, but I'll save it for the next segment.

Wisconsin Roller Coaster got stuck upside down for several hours. It has been shut down permanently for the fence of doing a perfect impression of my comedy career. I'm going to level with you. You got a little muttery in there, so all I heard was Wisconsin roller coaster. And I was like, I don't know, because they're both cheesy. All right, guys. Denver plans to convert a 194-unit hotel into a permanent homeless shelter.

The facility is expected to still be safer and cleaner than a Motel 6. Let's do this one. A man was stabbed to death at a gas station while dancing to Beyonce. The killer was heard saying, quote, I don't like it, so I'm going to put a knife in it. Ow, ow, ow. Ow, ow, ow. An Iowa

man won the Key West Pie eating contest. In his victory speech, he said, I want to thank my wife Susie for letting me practice on her every night. Eating your pie, huh? God, eating pie. That's a terrible way to refer to that activity. Imagine walking up to the woman you love and being like,

Hey, girl, let me eat that pie. You know, a pie has a crust, and sometimes vaginas do, too. And you never want to call attention to that. Yeah. You want a flaky crust on a pie. Yeah, that's desirable. That means there's yeast affection afoot. Yeah.

Yeah, that's the tastiest part. The yeast? Well, you know. It's been a while, Connor. I don't know anymore. Well, Tom, you do like bread. Tom forgot pussy. Yeah, what's that part that's going with the bun?

I forgot pussy. I haven't had sex in like over a year, and I don't even know what I would do if I got to one at this point. Like cumming it, I guess. Just poking it, smelling it. Like a bear who just stumbled across snacks. Yeah, yeah, yeah guess. I'd be like, just poking it, smelling it. Like a bear who just stumbled across snacks.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. What's this Tupperware? This is not far off from the Joker speech about

if he caught Batman. My dick's just a hog chasing parked cars. Yeah. Oh, fuck.

I believe it's your turn. Me? Okay. All right. Let's your turn. Me? Okay. All right. Let's do it. The first ever female manager of a Walmart retired after 48 years.

She received a special commendation for shattering the shittiest glass ceiling. Republican Representative Matt Rosendale opposed a drag show at an Air Force base due to concerns that a performer might gain access to nuclear missiles. In his defense, one of the queens was a finalist on RuPaul's Arms race.

That is, I do honestly respect that he went from the Republican line of the trans people are trying to turn our kids into gay devil or whatever and just went to the trans people are going to launch nukes. I was going to say, I respect that he made it a national security issue because he couldn't just say,

I think this is gross and weird. Yeah. The Bay of Pigs would be an excellent name for a drag show, though. Oh, God. Yeah. A bunch of thick queens at a brunch. And uniforms.

I mean, it's kind of sexy. You know what I mean? Some of those broads on Jag had it going on. This is... Hang it off. Jeez. Let me just alienate every Gen Z looky-loo. some of those broads on Jag? How's it going on? This is... Hang it off. Jeez.

Let me just alienate every Gen Z looky-loo. What the fuck is Jag? Some of the broads on Jag is not a sentence that's ever been said by anyone under 70. I actually don't know what it means.

There's a show called Jag that was like a Navy lawyer procedural and everybody's grandpa in the world fucking loved it. So I saw it at my grandparents house growing up is that the show one of the like four shows that always play full volume of the old folks home that people can't

complain they can hear? Matlock, Jag it was like CSI is too spicy then try Jag alright Otter841 has escaped the zoo and has been stealing surfboards and other belongings in Santa Cruz. He now plans to expand his team of ocean-dwelling supervillains with Osama Bin Laden, Adolf Fischler, and Benito Muscles and Linguini.

The two previous Shitty Jokes I did was just waiting for veneno mussels and linguine. That was a Dance Dance Revolution zero miss fucking... Otter 814? 841. Like he's fucking Jean Valjean in Les Mis? Why does an otter need an area code? Well, I think it's because they just have so many otters. Or they've had so many otters, or they've had so many otters, maybe they just got bored of naming them.

They got bored of them? I don't know. I'm sorry, if you're too bored to go, I don't know, that one's Kevin, you shouldn't be in the have a lot of otters. If there's 841 of them, how many would you want Kevin three or 841? You ought to do it.

I don't have 841 names. Yeah, but American names? Andrew, David, Connor, Tom, Greg, fucking... otter do 841 names yeah but American names David Connor Tom Greg fucking

Jack follow me if Jack follow me was stealing my brother's surfboard in Santa

Cruz I like the you get to Jack follow me before Bill and Steve and Rick

Steve Bill with a hyphen holy shit you know what I just realized? Okay, this is... The first time I did Mean Boys, my little brother was not in high school.

Now he is in college. That's fucked up. Oh, that's crazy. Yeah. Dude, time's really scary sometimes. Yeah. No joke. dude time's really scary sometimes yeah no joke is it uh is it me is this the last one yeah yeah it's you all right uh okay this is my favorite

one a georgia resident died from a rare brain-eating amoeba experts are calling it the a and e channel because when i watch a and the pond stars or like fucking um storage wars it's the opposite of thinking and creativity and free will i remember yeah i was i was uh uh kind of kind of like a second date situation i was with a girl and she was watching uh one of those what was she watching she was watching uh oh hoarders and i was like trying not to judge her. I was like, so do you like this? This seems like a bummer. And she goes, oh, it's just to feel better about my life. And I was like, oh, okay, that's fair.

Yeah, I was like, that's actually, everything makes a lot of sense right now. You need that for some time, sometimes. I usually go to a series of Facebooks that will be not named. It does feel like every channel that used to be about education I usually go to a series of Facebooks that will be not named. It does feel like every channel that used to be about education and broadening horizons slowly just turned into, I don't know, look at these fucked up weirdos. Yeah, yeah. Let's gawk at them. They all became like, you remember in Batman Forever how the Riddler's got the thing he

puts on your TV that just brain drains you while you look at a 3D fish or whatever? Did that for human misery. I'm waiting for PBS just to be like the tit channel. The history channel is practically the tit channel. I know.

Educational TV is on the decline. You know who's written for the Discovery Channel? Me. You know who was in a sizzle reel for the Discovery Channel?

Me. I forgot about that. Oh yeah. Guess what? One of the notes I forgot about that. Oh, yeah. Guess what? One of the notes I got was you're not dancing enough. They were trying to groom you for the next Great American Workplace show. No, they were trying to find Chumlee. Yeah, they were looking for a Chumlee in the rough.

They have a bunch of Chumlees in batches, like the Hugh Jackman clones in The Prestige. Every time one gets popped, the domestic violence charges, they turn around and peel out Chumlee 3. Dude, I watched the Chumlee arc, and it was really awesome seeing every interview he would do six months apart would just

he'd be vaping more and more. He'd be wearing more hats. He'd be wearing like three hats with like stickers on all of them. And he just would more and more like yeah that's why my new online gambling business is about to blow up and you got a DUI on a motorcycle. Like he just like he fucking embraced it

so hard. You gotta just do a game show where they just take, it's just America's Next Top Failure, and it's just Chumlee, Bam Margera, all these people who have fallen from grace, and the winner gets to see their kids. I think they had that. It was called Celebrity Rehab.

Oh, shit. Is that all the jokes? I think that's five. That was five. All right. That was fun, boys. Meanwhile, all the jokes? I mean, I think that's five. That was five. All right. That was fun, boys. Mean Boys Podcast will be right back. What's going on?

It's your boy, Mark Malloy. You may remember me from such scams as Mark Malloy's Anime Emporium and Mark Malloy's PPP Lone Stravaganza. I've been playing I'm Not Touching You with the Boston PD since 2016 and Boston VD since I caught the clap back in 86. Now, if you're like me, when you saw that story about them muckety-mucks getting imploded to death in a janky submarine, you saw dollar signs bigger than an Irish girl's ass on Thanksgiving. Which brings me to my first point. Assisted suicide laws in this country are barbaric kid when my great-grandmother caught the alzheimer's all she wanted to do was get hooked up to a little iv bag and die with dignity instead me and my cousin little pete had to do a college hazing style with a sock full of pennies

we couldn't find a good smothering pillow it's up kid believe it or not it was more humane than our backup plan poisoning her with the deadliest substance known to Boston kind Pabst Blue Ribbon I couldn't fucking do Meemaw like a common freshman Not after all the smoke she bummed me growing up I knew there had to be a better way And now that the statute of limitations on that story has passed There is

Mark Malloy's Suicide Submarines Ocean Gate was a company that promised its customers a trip to the Titanic. What if I told you that at a fraction of the price, we can offer you the same trip directly to fucking heaven? You gotta admit, even though they never made a swishy movie about heaven, that's a pretty good deal. And if you slip them a few bucks, little Pete will even draw you like

one of his French webcam models. Each one of Mark Malloy's suicide submarines, patent fucking pending, starts his life as a gutted-out Toyota Previa, which we rescue from the salvage yard and lovingly wrap in cardboard and duct tape. Then we cut out a door, load you up, and seal you in with saran-wrapping lies. Don't worry, this won't hurt. One quick ride in little Pete's F-150 out to the harbor, and it's goodbye, cruel world, hello, sweet release of death.

Since we're technically a submarine company and you signed a liability waiver this loophole leads straight through government red tape directly to that great saint patty's day parade in the sky blow gramp up and wave goodbye he's going to a better place he won't even feel his bones being crushed because his lungs will be too full of that sweet boston habit salt water that's why they call Dr. Kevorkian of going snorkeling. Come die with dignity the American way in a rickety death trap slapped together

for a quick buck. At Mark Malloy's Suicide Submarines, the Boston Tea Party never ends, but you do. Hey, everybody. Welcome back

to the Mean Boys Podcast. We're going to keep it trucking. We're going to play another game we haven't played in a long time. This is New Names. It's time for New Names. New Names. Yeah.

I remember. I forgot we had that jingle, and Tom doesn't have headphones right now, so it was just me and Connor listening to that helium nightmare just staring at Tom. You know what? I heard it in my head. I actually always hear it in my head. Yeah, yeah. That jingle dates back to the Ramsey Bedawi sound effects

basement days. Oh, God. So it's really, really old. I actually asked my mom what her favorite Mean Boys bit was, and she said new names. I told you to ask your mom, and I was like, I really hope... Big shout out to Mama McSpeeze. Yes, for a nice... Which is what I will be calling her from now on.

Mama McSpeeze. That's Mayor McCheese's wife. No, that's the mistress. Okay. I've got a pretty good... This is one of my favorites. In light of everything that's happened, you guys know my feelings about this,

but the Yeezy Corporation will now be called Shoes Control the Media. Yeah, more than anything on Mean Boys, we really did miss the opportunity to discuss the downfall of Kanye. I don't know if we missed it. I remember watching Kanye on Alex Jones literally saying, Hitler kicks ass and being like, we should be here. No, there's a pretty compelling Kanye conspiracy theory to say that all of that stuff was to just get him out of the Adidas morality clause contract so he could renegotiate the deal.

And I think they are trying to come back and make a new shoe. So the real Kanye truthers will tell you that it was all a plan. You know what he was doing the whole time. Yeah, no, I buy it. Yeah. He's got it all under control. I mean, no one wants to give him credit he doesn't deserve more than me,

and I'm not so sure. Yeah, I don't think that was what he was trying to do. I think the simplest answer is usually he doesn't like Jews. Yeah. In any situation, if you don't know what the motivation was, be like, I don't know if they don't like Jews.

I gotta go Occam's oven on this, and I don't think that's what happened. Yeah. Well, it's one of these things where if he'd winged it off a few times, it's like, all right, maybe he's being evocative. But he was like, and furthermore, let's bring it back to the J's. Is it me or you next? All right.

So I actually love new names. I decided to do something very different. Okay. It's still new names, but I decided to do something very different. OK. It's still new names, but a lot has changed in the last four years. So I'm going to just do new names that society has decided in the four years that has passed. OK. I like this. Yeah. So life is now intellectual property.

I began my intellectual property at a hospital in Visalia. God, Tom, that is very deep and very dark. You're born, they get you circumcised, they give you your name, do your little footprint, and then they have an exec from every studio come in and smell you. Just David Sasslott licking your forehead.

You're like, yes, it'll be good on Max. I was talking to a friend of ours and he's having a baby and he was like make it no uncertain terms I will be making money off this baby I'm gonna post this baby's face I'm gonna, no Steve Fernandez you made a post about it, that's right

but I was like dude, literally if I had a baby I'd be shitting my pants and absolutely yeah fucking do something cute, asshole if babies are IP I feel like being born like deformed Dude, literally, if I had a baby, I'd be shitting my pants and absolutely, yeah, fucking do something cute, asshole. If babies are IP, I feel like being born, like, deformed or malfunctioned as you come out as part of the DC Extended Universe. Oh, no, no, that's called an Oscar baby. Oh, shit. All right, new name for AIDS, Bro's Epic.

Oh, my God, You look great and terrible. That's how the boys lose weight, man. Yeah. All the dogs. All right. New name for face-sitting, the Queen's Gambit. It really is a dicey ride, you know? I mean, the nose is in the mix.

There's a lot of difference. I mean, I guess. I've never had a trouble with it. Well, because we like squishy women, Keith. I feel like there's some sort of like... I can't prove this, but I feel like there is some sort of male evolutionary thing where when somebody is sitting on your face, you all of a sudden have new muscles in your face

to move your nose and mouth independently of each other. Yeah, it's weird. And you find the crevasse. I've never been... You can't use these muscles until they're activated. Yeah, like I feel like I fill the thigh gap the way like water fills a cylinder. Your nose turns into a hand from a zombie movie pretty much. It just kind of slides under the clitoral hood like a shelter from a storm.

Like it figures out where it needs to be. It grabs a hat on its way underneath. You know how creationists will be like, well, a banana is proof that God exists because it's a food that has its own wrapper. I think the way that a human face fits into a human ass is proof that God wanted us to be horny and disgusting. You get to heaven one day and he's like, why were you coming in there? The babies weren't supposed to happen. I was making everybody. There was supposed to be like four of you.

You did my job bad. Connor, I love that theory because pretty much what you said is ass, vagina, face, pangea. Basically. Oh, man. We'll be reunited in heaven. Alright, so more changes in the last few years.

Jokes are no longer called jokes. They are called reels. As in the Mean Boys podcast, an audio-only podcast has pre-written reels in it, not jokes. Oh, are you saying reels, R-E-E-L, or R-E-E-L? R-E-E-L. Okay, I thought you were, I misunderstood the bit. Yours is better than the one I thought you were doing. I've been in the process of chopping up my whole special

and making it into reels. And man, if you ever wanted to just... I would rather eat my own dick with a fork. It's... I really... I don't know if you guys can tell by the direction I decided to go with for new names. I don't like the industry.

I was picking that up. Which is weird, because the old you was such a tool of the estate. I know, I know. So approachable. You were a shill. Always playing the game. Wealthy. Is it on me?

It's me. Mitch McConnell, now we know his brain fog horn leg horn. Did you see that fucking thing where he stroked out? No. Yeah, he was giving an interview or something, and he just froze and couldn't talk. And everybody's like, are you fucking okay? And then finally his aide's like, do you want to be done talking to the media? And just walked him away.

It was so sketch. Oh, that's fucking Dianne Feinstein's 400 years old. And they're like, she's going to retire when she's 90. And it's like, bitch, she's fucking not here now. Yeah, she's just a shell. And I just looked at it,

and it looks like Mitch McConnell, like, is talking, dies for one second, sees the hell he's going to, and then has to try and talk to the Washington Post. I do... I would say he's one of the most

prolific evil guys of all time, because he just very unglamorously throughout his career Just appointed Republican judges. He was just like judges judges judges judges And here we had a file right? Oh, they all are Yes The mainstream extreme pedophile. He's not underground. He's not the fucking... He's not the Neo of pedophilia. I don't think Richard McConnell fucked...

Are you thinking of Matt Gaetz? Maybe. Maybe. Because he's just so... He's all jowl. I can't imagine there's enough blood in his body to make his dick move. Yeah, I think he just gets off on being low-grade evil. I don't think he... Alright, well, this next new name. Did I ever tell you guys about the time I was training? There's an era in my life where I was Yeah, I think he just gets off on being low-grade evil. I don't think he can fuck kids.

All right, well, this next new name. Did I ever tell you guys about the time I was trying? There's an era in my life where I was doing clinical trials for cash. You've told me. Yeah, I got to support the old comedy career. And there was one that was fucking sweet. It was like 12 grand, and all I had to do every day was drive to Irvine and poop in a cup. So I'm talking to these poop researchers, and I basically admitted to having diarrhea once in 1997,

and they were like, you can't. This is way too much. So in light of that, people that study poop are now called poople. This was kind of a long preamble. I felt like you wanted to tell that story. Well, I just was like, I'm not making up the poop scientists here. They're out there. So you never did it.

Like, you signed up for it, but then they rejected you before you ever got to poop in the garage. There was an interview process where they were like, after talking to you, we don't think your poop makes the grade. You never made it to the big show? No. I feel like they talk to you, and they're like, all right, and let's talk to your asshole. They have to, like, drop trowel. Yeah. I didn't even poop in nothing.

That sucks. Yeah. Also, a even poop in nothing. That sucks. Yeah. Also, a cup seems like not the right receptacle for poop. I assume it would have been some sort of Tupperware. Maybe like a big gold cup. Yeah, or I think it's sort of like, ah, mom made leftovers. You know what I mean?

That's kind of the size you need. What about like a net that goes over the toilet that kind of catches it, you know? Okay, like a skimmer. Yeah, like a mini golf course. I'm panning for turds. Happy birthday, Connor's mom.

This is what you made. You wanted this, literally. You signed up for it. Yeah, this show is kind of like your grandchild. Kind of. Closest you're going to get. Kind of makes us all married. Let's turn the mics off.

I'm the pooples champ. All right, this was already happening before the Mean Boys ended, but friendship is friends are now co-hosts, as in aren't you lonely now that all of your co-hosts live in L.A.? Yeah. It does kind of feel like getting this back together is just a good excuse for us to all hang out again. Well, I also remember when there was like 500 podcasts

and now I have this like podcast purpose built board to record podcasts and there's all these like well when you and your co-hosts and I'm like how is this like a popular how is this a big enough job that we need this device to exist during COVID literally the two things that sold out were toilet paper and podcast

yeah yeah yeah yeah well like to your point like your whole life is just content now it's like we'll fucking get the boys together and turn on some microphones. You've got some work to do, slugger. Yeah. There's three people with actual jobs that need distractions. Someone's got to stop the postage driver uprising. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. No, it's all been, you know what it is? A lot of weird shit has happened in the last four years. Yeah. And, I mean, I'm still, honestly, starting doing this episode in itself is kind of unpacking how crazy the last four years have been. Yeah. If that makes any sense.

No, I totally get that. I also know that this is not a classic me version of new names, but there's never a time to do it like this. You're coming in hot this episode. You got fucking Benito fucking... Oh, I'm esoteric as shit. I'm a fan of games. You got Dictators Alfredo.

All right. Birthday weeks will now be known as White Woman Kwanzaa. I don't know exactly how long it lasts. I'm not really sure when we decided it was a thing, but it's not my place to have a problem. Yeah, and you're really not allowed to have a problem with it either. I can feel whoever I want, but I'm going to feel it. I have no issue with Kwanzaa. I'm laughing extra hard because I know the girl Keith wrote that about.

I know several. You're the one who wrote it about your mom. No, she's the opposite of a birthday week. I mean, I can barely get her to do something for the birthday hour. Alright, we got some good ones here. New name for sour cream, Mexican mayonnaise. And like all Mexican things, it is superior.

Alright, so over the last four years Worth is now called Followers as in you need to come up with lots of reels to get followers in order for your

intellectual property to be worth anything yes alright I'm detecting a theme yes Worth is a reflection of number

this bit is slowly turning into two weird puns and Tom's manifesto I'm detecting a theme. Yes. Worth is a reflection of number. This bit is slowly turning into two weird puns and Tom's manifesto. Sticking it to big society. I'm just sitting here going, man, I got to call Tom more. Oh my God, Tom. Struggling. Really speaking to the poople.

Sushi will never notice human cat food. It really is. Yeah, it's literally fancy feast. You're not going to get an argument from the autistic guy in the podcast. Oh, this is the thing that I thought of during COVID, and I was like, why is there no mean voice for me to express this?

Which is, you know how rich Japanese businessmen have a geisha that'll eat sushi off? Yeah. So there's one autistic one, and he just does a jigsaw puzzle on a naked lady. Oh man, that's so funny. The height of no eye contact luxury.

Just playing solitaire on her ass. Yeah. All right, is it my turn? All right, new name for kidnappers, the quicker picker uppers.

I mean, they got him faster. They got him out of school quicker than you did. Look, the idea of a roaming gang of pedophiles like absconding with children is not good, obviously. No, no. But if they were to use a big net like a cartoon dog catcher, you'd at least kind of be like, well, that's fun. You'd have to respect it.

The next part's not fun, but this is. And if a kid can't get out of a pool skimmer, I mean, what the fuck? Yeah. Did he really want to not get molested? I was not a spry child, but I could dodge a net on a stick. You knew a Looney Tunes trap when you saw one.

I could outmaneuver a butterfly. If you're not smarter than a fish, my ability for empathy is somewhat lowered. It's... Yeah, yeah. Yeah, it's the last lowered. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's the last one. So, okay. We all know that art is content. It's become that.

I also want to rattle. Every one of your new names has to end with man. Also, bananas are now potassium dongs. Hillary Clinton is now Emperor Galpatine. And Andrew Tate is if YouTube comments were a real boy. Wow.

Nice. I have hot sauce in my back. Lord Vader, execute Order Benghazi. Yeah, sometimes you write some stuff, you go, this just got more dark than it did funny, so why don't we go back to the

classic potassium, Don? Make a crass appeal to the gays. Obama won last time, but this one's yours for sure. Oh, shit. Well, that was new names. Oh, I have one more. Sorry. No, no, no. I'm sorry. I don't have to do it. No, please.

I saw a story that apparently leprosy is becoming endemic in central Florida. Florida is so gross that people just have leprosy where their body parts are falling off and shit. So Orlando will now be called StubHub. That is not surprising to me at all.

No, it makes a ton of sense. Every time we went to a gas station in Florida, like driving just kind of on the highway, it was the weirdest people I've ever seen in my life, and I host the Mean Boys podcast. Yeah. You know what I mean? It feels like showing up at the end of one of those Caligula horse fuck orgies.

You're just seeing human decadence at its last stage. My favorite game to play in Florida is Alligator or Person. It's floating in the air. I've never seen so many full-grown people that had fetal alcohol syndrome. It looked like they were melting. All right, well, that was the names. Mean Boys Podcast will be right back.

Hello, I'm Tom Goss. You may know me from the mean boys podcast or from being so confusing that big foot looks at me the way that most people look at bigfoot in honor of connor's mom's birthday let's take a look at the moment all three mean boys were born that's right i can go back in time i don't respect time it's just gravity for clocks. First, let's visit Seattle, Washington on November 19th, 1988, where Keith's mom is about to experience the miracle of life. Oh, is it fat? It feels fat. Fuck, it feels like my cunt just took a shit. Oh yeah, I can get something good for this.

Anybody want this fucking baby? Looking for a carton of cigarettes or best offer? Fuck it, eat it, teach it how to play football, I don't give a shit. Come on now, this baby must go. But not every birth was such a happy day. We go now to Chito, California. The year is 1993. America hasn't turned on Hillary Clinton yet.

Capri Suns rule the schoolyard. And a new mother is about to receive some startling news. Mrs. McSpadden, the test results came back. There's just no easy way to say this. What is it? Is he blind? Paralyzed? Autistic?

No. Connor tested positive for a condition called GBD, or general butthole disorder. What are the symptoms? Well, physically, he'll look like any other child, but when you try to talk to him, he'll be all like, meh. Is there a cure?

Well, with a lot of love and support, hopefully he'll outgrow it somewhere around his early 30s. I'd like to see my baby. Of course. Nurse, can you bring in that baby who has a vape rig already somehow? Oh, it's you. I'm hungry. And not for your weird titty milk. Let's get some chicken tenders in here. Seems like that's kind of a you issue, but fuck me, right? Guess I'll take a swig out of your gay boobs or whatever. Oh, should I do me?

I guess it's just me. I'll do me. Thanks, talking stork, that brought us our baby. You betcha. I thought you were a myth. They told me I was going to give birth out of my vagina. Nope, that's a lie made up by Big Diaper. Gotta go.

Flap, flap, flap, flap, flap. That stork was later convicted of a series of child abductions across the American Southwest. He was cool to me, though. Get me right in his mouth. A lot of cool fish in there. All right, that's it for me. Happy Halloween or whatever. Quong!

Ladies and gentlemen, the Mean Boots podcast is back. It's time to play our favorite game, Witch of the Following. Oh, boy. In honor of my wonderful mother, I have prepared a Witch of the Following that is great moms of history. Oh, that's fun. Now, some of these are great moms, and some of these are notorious moms. Yeah, it's actually, for this, it's her story. That was very sexist of me.

I apologize. All right, we'll start it off. Oh, yes. Oh, hers. All right. We'll start it off. Oh, yes. I flew hers. All right. We'll start it off. Which of the following is not a great mom of history? Ho Loon, Genghis Khan's mom, she surrendered to a kidnapping to save her husband's wife, her husband's life.

They were going to kill her husband. And she became the wife of a chief named Uswagi, who would become Genghis Khan's father. She basically allowed herself to get raped to save her ex-husband's life. You don't see the Secret Service doing that for the president. Jumping out with an exposed ass. Like jumping

in front of the JFK's motorcade, but there's just a guy with a huge boner. That means in this universe, someone's also... All right, it's a giant gun, and it shoots out a naked guy with his dick erect. At the president. There was a second cockspin on the grassy mill.

All right, that's number one. What's your name, Plo Koon? No, that's one of the... Plo Koon. Yeah, that's a lesser Jedi. It's like Kit Fisto's ex-girlfriend. Next one is Michelle Obama, who actually doesn't follow her kids on Twitter because she wants them to be able to grow up on their own terms,

give them their privacy. After that, we've got a dancer from the 50s and 60s, Josephine Baker, adopted 12 kids of different ethnicities, and she called them her rainbow family. Or Michael Feltz's mom, who used to make her son 10 pancakes every morning before swim practice. So which one of these is not? Which one of these facts is fake?

Because I know Michelle Obama is real. Well, hang on. These are fake feats of momery. That's the way I got radicalized. Michelle Obama is a hologram. Okay, so it's Michael Phelps pancakes dancer from the 50s adopted a bunch of yeah 12 kids the rainbow family

okay and what was her what was her career she was an actress she's an actress in the dancer like an old-time movie star Charlie Chaplin in there well this is what Angelina Jolie did she She was kind of the proto-Jolie. Yeah. I wish I knew enough about basic human exercise to know that many pancakes before swimming. Here's my thought process. On the one hand, I know somebody said one time

you're not supposed to eat before you swim. On the other hand, I assume pancakes turn into fuel if you're not fat. So it's carbo-loading. So the one thing I do know is that Michael Phelps would burn, I think it was around 4,700 calories at a swim practice. Yeah, so I think, what is it? How many calories? Was it 300 per pancake? 400?

You're looking at me like I definitely know. I don't. So that is about 4,000. And he's got to live the rest of his day. So I'm going to say Michelle Obama isn't real. Alright. I'm going to say the Rainbow Family one is the made up one. The made up one is Michael Phelps' mom and the pancakes.

That's actually a story from his Olympic training days. He used to eat like 40 pancakes. Oh, so my math was correct. My timing was off. 40 pancakes? I don't know how many pancakes. We'll have to look it up after. Yeah, no.

You know what's funny? I got in a huge fight about this with someone in high school about how many pancakes Michael Phelps ate. So I've really grown as a person. Okay, hang on. When you say a fight, on what side? It was a guy I played hockey with, and he kept saying that Michael Phelps burned,

I think it was 47,000 calories a day. That's not true. Exactly. And I said, no, it's like 4,700. I don't know. The math might be exactly a little off. But it was whatever the actual numbers were, we were zero off. And it got into a huge blowout fight where we almost got in a fist fight in the locker room.

Jesus Christ. Because I refused to back down, and he refused to get smarter. Well, 47,000 calories is a pretty dumb thing to hang around on. It wasn't, yeah. You know how annoying it is to know, like, I know I could never

swim better than Michael Phelps, but I also know he could out-pancake me? That's such a bummer. As a fat man, you have no angle here. Yeah. Out-pancake.

Oh, there's the episode title. All right. Number two, Debbie Reynolds, mom of Carrie Fisher, reportedly said, I want to be with Carrie right before she died. Mary Bell Washington, George Washington's mom, did not support him at all, talked mad shit about him, and even praised the tyrant King George. Marianne McLeod Trump, Donald Trump's mom, grew up in Scotland in a Scottish Gaelic speaking house, and she tried to teach her son to speak the language, but he was too stubborn to learn. And finally, Ma Barker made the FBI most wanted list and trained her kids as her criminal accomplices. They died together in a shootout in their rural floral hideout.

Rural Florida hideout. In their rural floral hidegy-durgle. I have not read anything out loud in four years, I just remember. What was the second one again? Mary Bell Washington, George Washington's mom, was actively a shit-talker about him and even praised King George, the guy that the whole fucking revolution was about. Man, I hope that's true because it's very funny to imagine George Washington getting mom-cucked by the King of England.

It is funny that his mom was... He was like Eminem's mom. I'm George Washington. Yeah, that doesn't really fit, actually. I'm cleaning out my dentures. Wooden teeth full of mom's spaghetti. The king will fall without me uh fuck that's a hard one i just the names uh one through four again debbie reynolds mary bill washington marianne mcleod trump and ma barker i going to say it's Mary Ann McLeod Trump,

because I think I know that Debbie Reynolds. Okay. Yeah, I was between that and D. I'm going to go D, even though, yeah. I'm going to go D. All right, the fake one, Mary Ann McLeod Trump. Yeah. She actually did speak Scottish Gaelic, but I don't think she ever tried to teach Trump.

Yeah, he sucks. Why would you? He's not going to learn anything. All right, he sucks. He's not going to learn anything. Next one. Mary Ann Cotton was a 19th century nurse and a dressmaker, and she poisoned 11 of her 13 kids, 4 husbands, 2 concubines, and 2

more people with arsenic. How hot was this chick? You know the titties you gotta have to keep getting away with this? Literally, her pussy is like an Egyptian tomb. Everyone that touches it mysteriously dies. Okay, so I'm just doing some math. So she poisoned 11 out of her 13 kids, right?

So around poisoned kid number five, the other kids have to get to talking. Yeah, right? And the last two, they're gonna be like, well, mom loves him. So he's not getting poisoned. Yeah, everyone that survives is like, it's gotta be like the world's best game show honestly just like a hoe I was trying to find a nicer way of saying Oh male mistress next one she's got 48 names is her elder Elizabeth Cole James Sim Samuel it's Jesse James's mom the famous outlaw she spent her final years,

she turned their old house into a tourist trap and sold people guns that she said belonged to them that didn't even belong to them and charged people 50 cents a pop. Okay.

All right, next one. Mama June. Keith's mom's going to do the same thing with his leftover sandwiches someday. There's no leftovers. This was the belt

I hit him with. And this one too. This one's five, this one's 20. If there's something in this the belt I hit him with. And this one, too. This one's five. This one's 20. If there's something in this house, I hit him with it. This is the lamp I threw at him. Just a pile of shattered ceramic. Mama June, we all know the mother of Honey Boo Boo,

lost custody after she was arrested with heroin works and her boyfriend got a third domestic violence charge. She said her ex had a $25,000 a week meth habit, or a month meth habit. That's a lot of meth. And finally, Nancy Hanks Lincoln, Abraham Lincoln's mom, died of milk sickness, which, save your jizz jokes, it came from a cow that ate something called snake root.

And Abe Lincoln, at nine years old, had to help build her coffin. Did anything not have a whimsical name back then? No, no, no, it really didn't. Well, your mama died of gopher consumption. Barrier out of Walrus Ridge. So maybe we ought to go for a walk. Come on, get down with Luke Sanders.

I'm still fascinated by the Keith's mom's house. Because that would be so good so good museum of fuck that fatty here we are at the motel room where I traumatized him for life we sell Swedish fish at the door those are 10 bucks each fucking tragedy tour welcome to Keith's mom's house where one woman's

trash is another woman's weapon yeah I think I think the selling the bunk guns is true. D was what again? D was Abe Lincoln's mom dying of a milk substance. Oh, I think that was true. I know that his,

well, that cherry tree story, which I know is made up, but the mom was in the picture in that if I remember. That's about George Washington. Well, then it all adds up, doesn't it? This would have been a great thing to bring up when we just did George Washington.

Oh, man. I would have gotten that more correct if I had remembered which country dad was the right one. We'll fix it in post. What was A again? Kamala Harris the first female country or bunch country A was Marianne Cotton

the woman that poisoned all her kids four husbands that's been a bunch of ladies and then C was Mama June Mama

oh yeah here's why arrested with heroin yeah here's the here's why I think that one's the fake one. She's too fat for all these skinny people drugs. That's an interesting angle.

Oh, my God. The ghost of Chris Farley. I am going to say the Jesse James one because I think that she did that shit after he died. Oh, she did. Okay, I think you said in his final name. No. Well, that fucked up my gotcha journalism. I'm going to say the Jesse James one because I don't want to try to remember the other three.

All right. Well, Tom is actually exactly right. That Mama June story is all true except I changed crack pipe to heroin works. Wow. Because I thought that's not a fucking fat drug. I thought, that's not a fucking fat drug. I mean, crack's not a terribly fat drug. It's a drug that makes you a ton fatter.

But I feel like crack makes you skinnier. She's got a busy schedule. She's got momaging to do. Some prescription opiates can make you fatter just because they make you super constipated. So that's like why Rush Limbaugh is super, yeah.

Yeah, you're going to talk to my poople. That's why Rush Limbaugh is a super fat corpse. Oh, God. So when you die, you like shit or whatever. So Rush Limbaugh dies and all the windows of his house explode. He dies and it somehow comes out of his ears. Like he got mad in a cartoon. All right, boys.

I haven't eaten a peanut in 50 years. Wait, is this from a baseball game back in the 70s? The peanut comes out as a full peanut bush. All right. Eleanor Roosevelt stopped her kids from sucking their thumbs by tying them to her hand. And she even dangled her baby out the window so it could get some air. Wait, tying what to whose hand? Tying their thumbs to their hands so they wouldn't suck them.

She'd tie them with a tight string. My mom kind of did this to me. So I would pick my nose when I was a kid in my sleep to the point where I would just give myself gnarly nosebleeds. So she tried the hot sauce thing. And then you were like, delicious. And then what she started doing is she would put a sock on my hand before bed and then duct tape it on.

So I had these little walrus hands. This is what I love about your mom. She had her issues but she was involved she was like she had solutions that early era where my mom's like well i'm on math but i still want to be a pretty good mom actually there was a lot of duct tape parenting my frankenstein halloween costume was also very duct tape heavy yeah around the neck um sorry that's all i just wanted to say the flipper thing continue no no no all right the next one cecil abigail prim was a sex worker in the Old West

who used her children to pickpocket the Johns while they were fucking. It's estimated her two kids stole over $100,000 in today's money. That's pretty sick. This is kind of cool. Judy Garland's mom, Ethel Marion Milne, had her popping meth and doing a cottage cheese

and chicken broth diet to stay thin while shooting The Wizard of Oz. This caused her lifelong addiction issues. I know, that's the most barfy-est fucking diet I can... She got her lifelong addiction to cottage cheese. Oh, man, it's an alternate universe with thick Judy Garland. Oh, my God.

And finally, April Margiera, mother of the great Bam Margiera, owns a vintage refurbishment shop called the Rose Hip Barn, which specializes in restored vintage goods. Kind of like American Pickers shit. This is an interesting game you put together because there is such a world of difference between an old cowboy

and a Kenzie and Bam that said Bam's mom has a nice furniture shop. I wanted a nice gambit of moms. This is the mom's gambit. Yeah. I wanted a nice gambit of moms. This is the mom's gambit. Yeah, there's a lot of depth here. Oh. When your mom sits on your face? A little gross. Yeah, man.

But you came out of there. You can go back. The Pangeas returns. Actually, I think that's the porn video she sent me on Mother's Day. It'd be really funny to wait to send this to her until English Mother's Day. Next year. Eleanor Roosevelt,

sex worker crook, Judy Garland's mom, or April Margera? I'm going to say April Margera just because it's so... I feel like that's a trick. It's so flat. Some little detail in that. It's different.

Okay. The first one, why did she fucking put their thumbs that way again? They were sucking them. Sucking their thumbs. I'm going to go with that one. All right, the fake one. Cecil Abigail Prim.

That's why I just totally made that chick up. Saw all these crazy Wild West moms, and I was like, I want to write a fake Wild West mom. Wasn't that like Richard Pryor's life story? Kind of. Yeah. He didn't really rob the Johns, so it'd be bad for repeat business. That makes sense. All right.

The final one, as we know. It's called being a cock block. That's such good marketing for selling your mom's pussy. This is all real or all fake. All right. Grover Cleveland's mom, Anna Cleveland, Where, where, where? That ain't Grover Cleveland.

The Grove Dog. He helped young Grover build model steam engines when he was a boy. Jimi Hendrix's mom, Lucille Jeter, admitted to smoking weed with him as a teenager before he joined the Army. Al Gore's mother, Pauline LaFawn Gore, is one of the most prolific stamp collectors in the Western Hemisphere. God damn it. Real as shit.

And Catherine McCarty, mother of Billy the Kid, was described in the papers as a jolly Irish woman, even though she used to burn young Billy and brand him when he misbehaved. I mean, you could do that in a jolly Irish way. That's what I'm saying. This hurts me more than it hurts you. Yeah, that is being being in a jelly mood in ireland uh just burning them not killing them um that is about as happy as we get yeah al gore's mom having the most al gore hobby like i just like to imagine it just looks directly like

al gore but in a wig yeah she kind of does honestly happy birthday mother thank you son and she kind of looks like Tipper Gore, which is, you know, then maybe tells you a little something about Al. Damn. Al Gore looks fucking his mom. Wow. Al Gore is fucking gory for his mom.

Being named Tipper as a girl, you must have got a lot of cow jokes in high school. I would hope. You got a Tipper after you, high school. I would hope. You got to taper after your fucker. What was A again? That's Grover Cleveland's mom helping him build model steam engines. Okay, I'm going to go with that one.

This one's all real or all fake. There's a good mix of autistic hobbies and child abuse in this one. Yeah, there really are. Modeling and... I'm going all fake on this one. I'll go all real. The one thing is that I hear...

I'm going to go all fake. So we're back. I would like to continue my point that because of feminism and my support of women and the fact that you guys weren't taught good until like 1994 or whatever, I think they're fake. Alright, you guys weren't taught good until like 1994 or whatever, I think they're fake.

All right. You guys both say all fake. They're all fake. You caught me. You got me. Because I understand women. He spotted my autistic hobbies and he saw a theme.

It's been a while, but I can still detect the trail of the McSpan. I wanted it to be real just because the Al Gore one. I like the Jimi Hendrix one because it to be real just because of the Al Gore one. I wanted it to be... I like the Jimi Hendrix one because it's just a total stoner fact.

It's like your buddy from high school would make up. He used to get high with the... He cut his head and put acid in the headband at Woodstock, man. I bet she was really cool.

I remember just... There's a whole genre of guy that plays the guitar Jimi Hendrix stoner facts. Yeah. Yeah. Maybe I never really got it. Really? Really.

I like the music all right. I just, kind of just a thing I never, I never thought it was that cool. The whole Jimi Hendrix thing. There's a lot of emotion in his playing that's like really impressive to me. I'm not saying I'm right on this. I missed the boat on it a little bit.

No, I hear you. I might even go as far as say you're wrong. Damn, dog. Dog. Is it hard speaking truth to power? Yes, fucking. As though I'm power. You really got to get into it during your dad rock phase.

If you miss it in your dad rock phase, you're not going to go listen to Mother Boy when you're 35. I can see when I get to my 50s, though, going full dad mode. Like, all right, now I'm really into hendrix i think i'm aging in reverse because as a little kid i was really into like bob barley and hendrix the doors and then uh i was in like now i'm getting into like the wiggles now i've been getting into like fucking jeff rosenstock and uh uh say anything which means yeah i didn to say anything as a 30-year-old man in 2020. That's exactly the point.

I have terrible news for you. You're 15. Yeah. No, that's the thing. You're 15, 20 years ago. Yeah. And then 10 years from now, I'd be really into, I don't know, one of those speak and spell things. You drove up to record today

listening to what I can only describe as video game loading screen music. It was Britney, bitch. Oh, really? Yeah. That was actually, I tried to restart the song right as I drove past her saying,

it's Britney, bitch, and I completely missed the mark and then realized I drove past all the parking and had a backtrack. We were joking about it. Where's Tom? Wouldn't it be funny if you just rolled up with the car horn honking?

Oh, I should have done that. Wouldn't it be funny if you come in blasting techno music with your weird crooked ass glasses? It was Britney. And then had to back up slowly because you fucked up while I was in this power bitch. Tom always looks like a professor

that's just been fired. That's perfect, Cotter. Tom, I was this close to tenure, God Oh, shit Well, hey, man, this was a great time It was Love you, Mom Happy birthday I'm probably in the car listening to this with you

So I hope you laughed That sounds like absolute hell Like, the podcast is fun But listening to a podcast my son made while he looks at me anxiously, you know, as I laugh at his jokes. Yeah, I know. Maybe I should, uh, maybe you can listen to this on your own time. I don't know. Yeah.

Hello, Cotter's mom. Yeah. What up, girl? Celebrate you. Yeah. Take a bubble bath. Party. Get your pussy eaten.

I don't know what you're talking about. No, like by your father. Don't be weird. Or his other guy. I don't know how they party. I don't know. Based on my father's goatee groove. Not like that. Wait, are you implying that his goatee

prevents him from eating pussy? I don't even know what to say. I was so fucking traumatized. He grew up, like, goatee, like a barbed wire thing. You. If I don't stop eating that tasty mama mix of pussy, I'm never getting anything done. Maybe you'll stop bugging me about it. You whisper some secrets about model planes into a man's ear and have yourself a good time. Comes airplane glue?

Well, at least he comes with a drug. One of the best drugs for young kids to try. I agree. If you're a child listening to this, have glue.

Consequences are minimal. Yeah. And the glue is smelly and good. Yeah. All right, guys. That's the show. Fuck everything God has said.

I'll see you next time.