Mean Boys - BONUS #2 - Social Tommentary

Episode Date: July 22, 2016

Support the show on Patreon: www.patreon.com/meanboys This week’s segment is a slow descent into madness featuring Tom Goss. Follow the show on Twitter http://twitter.com/meanboyspodcast / @meanboyspodcast and email us at [e-mail]. Visit us on the web at http://www.meanboyspodcast.com Theme: I’ve Seen Footage by Death Grips (https://itunes.apple.com/us/album/the-money-store/id515449028) Buy Keith’s album (https://itunes.apple.com/us/album/forever-nap/id1105182043) Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

I was a little kid. I wanted to be black. My babysitter, Marcus and Amanda were black and they were the shit. Were Marcus and Amanda fucking? No, they were brother and sister. Oh, okay. Didn't say no. I did say no. Were they actually brother and sister or were they like brother and sister. Oh, okay. Didn't say no. I did say no. Were they actually brother and sister

or were they like brother and sister? That's how you address black people. No, they were actually brother and sister, although, fucking, I heard this hilarious story of a guy who was dating a black girl and she said, her and this guy were family

and they, it was like the black were family so they were fucking and cheating on him. All right, well, we're leaving this in. Welcome to the Mean Boys podcast, everybody. This is a special bonus episode, so if you haven't heard the show before, listen to a different one. Because this is not going to be representative of what we do.

We're going to have a special conversational episode with everyone's favorite guest, Mr. Tomothy Gossip. What's up? Could not have said that further away from the microphone. What's up? Could not have said that further away from the microphone. What's up? He literally looked in the other direction as if the microphone would take his speech. Yeah. He was worried. Well, yeah, we were a little understaffed because Ramsey predictably didn't.

Have we gotten any Ramsey abuse emails? Not yet. Guys. Unfortunately. Listen. If I knew Photoshop, I'd do it. We don't ask a lot. William, Joe, and Tom are going Paul McCartney, John Lennon on our fucking – let's maybe

move this up a little bit. Everything about this episode is just ramshackle as fuck. Yeah. This is – okay. Can we real quick tell the story for the audience of how Tom got here? Okay. Well, we were supposed to do this an hour and a half ago but sorry tom was running very late uh and we were all sitting in front of the mean boy uh bunker

waiting for him and then we just hear from like two blocks away just just like a horn that's completely just being laid in on and we're like like, what is that awful sound? And then it just keeps getting louder and louder. And then we just see a panicked Tom Coss drive past the bunker with his hands over his ears while he's driving a car. And then you hear the sound go... Like the Doppler effect. Yeah, and then it flips around.

And Tom comes back and pulls into the driveway and his neighbors are walking out of houses. Immigrant families have gathered around. And he's trying to shout over the horn, I'm sorry, I broke the car. And it had been like that

for three miles. Since I actually did Echo Park, some fuck face was in the middle of the street because they were trying to, there's no one fucking in front of him and he's trying to park but he's not moving. So i just like go fuck yourself and i slammed on the horn and then it didn't stop the whole rest of the way here yeah and uh it took a sane human being about eight seconds to fix it once you pulled into

the driveway hit it a bunch of times i was pulling on it i thought you were supposed maybe try a different thing if the thing you're trying isn't working you're talking to asking him to do that while he's in the middle of a moving automobile. I think you handled the situation with great importance, Tom. Thank you, Joe. This is why I'm sitting next to him. You did the best you can with what you had. If you would have fixed it, you would have deprived me of the funniest thing I've ever seen in my life.

It is legitimately the greatest thing that's ever happened. It's kind of a no for your whole life, though. You did the best you could with the hand you're dealt, and it ended up comically inept. Yeah, the hand doesn't work. I just don't comically inept. Yeah, and the hand doesn't work. I just don't know how to fuck. Yeah, that was a nightmare. I was so afraid of a cop because it was literally like 10 minutes of me just throughout the whole fucking Echo Park. And all these Mexicans kept yelling at me from the sidewalk.

And I just kept doing this because the prayer hand thing. I tried to communicate with them that's what I tried to communicate with them through emoji I tried to speak Jesus magic Adam I sent the text to God he didn't read back oh my god and by the way Tom has a

blonde mohawk with the roots growing in and he he looks like some kind of like Sonic the Hedgehog Travis Bickle, Scott Trumpet fucking idiot. Everything about him is bad. I like it. I kind of like it too. I like it too. That does not mean that

it is a good sight to see when the car horn has been honking continuously. You look like a shitty Pokemon. This really is the best haircut to have if your car horn is going to be honking. You don't want to see a man with a tasteful comb over. The only way that could have been better is if he accidentally glued a clown going to be. You don't want to see a man with a tasteful comb over. The only way that could have been better is if he

accidentally glued a clown wig to it. I was playing around with that glue and there was no sign or nothing. There wasn't no sign. I cut eye holes in it. I was smoking a cigarette in the car when I first happened. I was like, I better flick this and see if there's a cop coming. I don't think they like cigarettes.

But yeah, it was... Is that a word for him? Yeah, I found that out from a guinea pig. He accidentally ate one. He didn't like it. He got very sick. My guinea pig actually died when I was in the mental hospital. Yeah, go on.

I was just telling the actual story. You didn't tell it. I think that's the beginning and end of it. You gave the just telling the actual story. You didn't tell it. I think that's the beginning and end of it. You gave the back of the book tease. It's like an E.E. Cummings poem. I mean, it probably died of not being fed. I don't think it killed itself. Heatstroke.

How do you know? Because it was like 110 and we forgot to bring it back inside. I had a bunny. It got too hot and it died. Oh, my God. Spur is ridiculous. Yeah, its name was Gandalf. It was a shit.

Well, welcome home, Tom. Well, he'll go to whatever the heaven for wizards and lord of the rings is. I don't know the word for it anymore. Tom has been on the road for five weeks. I have had very limited correspondence with him. So I'm excited. Please tell us about... How about you...

Let's break it down like this. Just run through real quick all the locations you've slept at. Okay. Well, you guys know the first one. Danny Minch's couch. Oh, okay. It's the life.

Yeah, no, that was nice. And then three nights at first in a car in the middle of the Arizona desert. Yeah. And, yeah, really not cool. That was fucking really hot. And then got to Oklahoma and couch, floor, train. Is this your vision board? Wait, train?

Yeah, well, I took it from Indiana after the Indiana phone was over. He wasn't on a train. He, like, fucking set up a box on top of it. People graffitied the sides. Box carts. Oh, those are good books. But, uh...

Yeah, no, I was a kid. But, yeah, no, and then I took a bus from Indiana, Chicago, and then I got my first bed for a month. I mean, I had mattresses, but they were like on the floor and there was like, you know, like a sock to sleep. Like they didn't have blankets and shit. So you just kind of took... They gave you a sock? I had socks. So I just kind of grabbed random clothes for like, you know...

Warmth? Yeah, well, more comfort. Cuddling with his socks. I like to imagine you've stuffed it with other socks and painted a face on it. Well, as we've discussed, you can just pull free clothes out of the ether. Yeah, and by the way,

lady who tweeted, I've been finding more clothes, she gets it now. You know, it's a thing. It's a real thing. Not as many... Open your eyes, man. It's a thing. It's a real thing. Open your eyes, man. It's like chemtrails. If you're not looking for them, you won't notice, but then the next thing you know, you're fucking, oh, dude. It's like those glasses from They Live. You put them on and all of a sudden you're seeing shirts.

Yeah, I don't know that reference, but the... What was I going to say? Not as many street clothes in other cities. I notice it's mostly – Do you think you're maybe just not as attuned to the lay of the land? There's no fucking litter in other cities. Like I felt bad flicking cigarettes.

Like in LA, you just flick it on like a mattress or something someone left out. You just flick it on all that dry brush. But in fucking Oklahoma, the city is clean. It was really weird. We knew that you were going to come back with some, like, one weird retarded takeaway. Like, yeah, Oklahoma's very clean. Like, Tom, you traveled America for a month, and that's what you got. No, everywhere else is cleaner than L.A.

It's crazy. The Washington Monument has a lot of birds. Well, me and Ramsey were discussing. We were like, he's going to come back with one opinion on some random animal and that'll be all he has to say about it. So we're like, yeah, I don't like geese. So we texted you, how do you feel about geese? And you said, I'm more of a ballard guy.

I'm a mallard guy. Ballard's something else. I think it's a song or something. That's a ballad, Tom. Yeah, the ballard of John and Yoko face. The ballard of mallards. Yeah, the Ballard of John and Yoko face. The Ballard of Ballard. No, I actually, when Ramsey first said that to me, I sent him a poem from when I was five where I just started randomly plugging that geese will bite you.

Oh, yeah, I've heard that poem. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You've got to read some of these poems on Mean Boys, guys. Oh, you should. Yeah, I've got to do all my Valentine's Day poems and stuff. Yeah, the Valentine's Day series is some of these poems on Mean Boys, guys. Oh, you should. Yeah, I gotta do all my Valentine's Day poems and stuff. Yeah, the Valentine's Day series is some of your finest work. Yeah, really lonely. It's like the Jim Morrison Paris recordings.

Oh, you know that reference. It's not for you. Context clues, Tom! I'm guessing some music shit. Sure. I mean, you're right. Oh, Ron. I'm guessing some music shit. Sure. I mean, you're right. Yeah, the animal I fell in love with is there was a one-eyed cat named Pippin, and it followed me wherever I went throughout Indiana.

Pippin! And honestly, fuck cats, but Pippin was the shit. I was sleeping on the couch. I just kept hearing, like, this banging on the door, and I kept going to the door. I was like, there's no one here. After, like, the fourth time, I looked down, and the cat was just kept going the door I was like there's no one here after like the fourth time I looked down the cat was like and then I let it inside but it's creepy waking up to a one-eyed cat looking at you from his window but it's probably pretty creepy waking

up to a mohawk man honking continuously outside your apartment how do you think the cat felt loved me by the way it always brushed up on me at first, I think it was because I have allergies. And then I wasn't allergic to it. And it followed me on walks. We went on a three-mile walk. You walked a cat. No, no, no. I went for a walk.

No, the cat walked Tom. Yeah, Pippin walked with me. It was fucking great. Like a Pikachu. And then, yeah, I guess these neighbors were all weird at the guy who owned the cat. Because I guess it died in his front yard. And his ex-girlfriend kept saying that he killed it, but he didn't kill it. And then like you can see in the grass where the body was, but yeah, he's good to animals. He's just in trouble because he like beat up some guy who was beating his girl.

He was a wife beater beater, but he's a good guy. We play boot camp. You just called a man a wife beater beater but he's a good guy we play that was such a quick descent into madness like this was like okay reasonable dissemination of information what the fuck are you talking about wife beater beater he went from a to X I said his house for a week he's a good guy John Coon shout out I'm sure he

appreciates the name. John Coon. Shout out. I'm sure he appreciates the name check. John Coon. With a K. Was he a raccoon, Tom? I mean, to you and me, but Pippin the cat, John Coon the raccoon. There was some argument about garbage distribution. He threw the dead cat in the neighbor's trash, so there wasn't garbage. Wait, the cat you were friends with died? No, no, no.

The other cat that died. Oh, okay. The one that had its body on the lawn. Yeah, that's why I got confused. I didn't know there was another cat. No, no, no. Pippin's alive and well. I didn't know there was a second cat on the grassy knoll.

Yeah, you could see the body. But yeah, Pippin was the shit. You guys wanted animal info. And then, yeah. Stop framing this like this is what you guys wanted. The animal dominant is a then, yeah. Stop framing this like this is what you guys wanted. The animal dominant is a bystander. I met a lot of animals.

Should I talk about other shit? I got to perform a WWE-style wrestling ring. You did. And I got to perform in a barn. Perform in what? For Pippin, you mean? It was in the middle of like fuck nowhere, like Indiana. Fuck, fuck, you mean? It was in the middle of, like, fuck nowhere, like, Indiana.

Fuck, fuck, fuck nowhere. It was like, there's, like, everyone's a redneck and has a gun, and, you know, there's one Bernie supporter in the whole county, and everyone hates her, and it's just one of those areas. And so, we were staying at his place for a couple nights. So, last night, we did a show at a barn, and it was a great barn. It was a great barn. It was a beautiful barn.

Why are you talking about this barn like Trump? It was a great barn, beautiful barn. Best barn. Fantastic crowds, very proud. It was a great barn. I had a good crowd. How much of the crowd was animals? Just a dog.

Just one dog. Okay. The rest, the rest. Yeah, one of those big black and white dogs that has the milk come out. I just pictured the painting of the baby Jesus in a manger. But it's just you doing a set for a bunch of farm animals. Just me screaming at a cow about croissants. This guy brought me a bunch of myrrh.

It hurts my sinuses. I don't know, Frank Incenseense When we first got to Indiana In Newcastle We first got there Where we did the show at the barn It was like the first night we didn't have to drive anywhere It was just a night off So the next day we started drinking at 10

In the morning And we had like 8 drinks By like 2 And then I blacked out. And the next day, my buddy was like, you're all right? And I was like, yeah, what happened? He was like, well, you had to hit a pot and you threw up on me. And then before that, you were swimming in the pool screaming, fire, fire, give me fire.

I want fire. So I gave you a lighter and you lit my shirt on fire. So that was our first day off. Yeah, that was pretty cool. That was leisure time. Yeah, yeah. You know, Tom, there are some people that think that you are a character that Keith is doing. Really?

I know. We need to both speak at the same time right now. One, two, three. I'm not Keith. I'm Tom. All right. Well, what else. I'm not Keith. I'm Tom. All right, well, what else? Carnock. Sleeps in a Carnock. Sleeps in a Carnock.

Oh, my God. You're like an Andy Kaufman character if we were funny. Well played. Here he comes to save the day. He's a mouse, though. The joke is in the words I don't say. Wait, am I supposed to be Elvis right now? I was reading Great Gatsby aloud and a crowd gathered.

I don't know. It was well received. That's the book where the guy killed that dude, right? Yeah. Yes, Tom. I mean, again, you're right, but... No. Oh, Star Wars. That's

the film franchise about those furry dudes that believe in magic. I mean, I suppose. Ewoks believe in magic? Yeah. Yeah, but Luke and the Force. Yeah, remember? That's not magic. No, but when he hovers he's a god. Oh, yeah. That's understandable. Why don't you think the Forcevers, he's a god. They think he's a god. Oh, yeah.

That's understandable. Why don't you think the fold's a god? I don't know if it's harder to get through your mind or for the surgeon to get through your folds someday. I haven't had surgery yet. It's coming. So give us some more highlights. What else do we got on Thomas Road Diaries? Were there any ladies you met on the road?

Yeah, I didn't like talking to people there was i guess like the first night we got to oklahoma we did an open mic because we got it took us like three days and we got there a day early and so we went to an open mic and there were some checks there and then i i kept trying to talk to the ugly one because i thought i had better chances. And then afterwards everyone was yelling at me in the car going, you know that blonde girl that kept trying to talk to you? And I was like, oh, well, why don't you say something? So that was the closest I got to sex. Not even pipping the cat?

Yeah. No, I don't – I realize on this one, I don't like talking to people. I'm sorry. I like talking to you guys and my friends, but I guess, like, in Indiana, the guy I went on the road with, his buddy was like, hey, how come he doesn't talk to anybody? He just kind of walks around.

And he was like, that's where all the jokes come from. And then he was like, you know, he's smarter than all of us. Thank you. I was like... Or Indiana. Well, no, that's what happens when I don't talk like Tom there really needs to be like some kind of farmyard accident to explain your mental state yeah boy it hasn't been right

since he got his foot caught in the harvester my dad threw me and dropped me on my head one time when I was little that is the least surprising thing I've ever heard in my life well I think it needed more than that just like a little shot put of dumb-dummery. Well, he caught me like the first three times. It probably sounded like the horn going through the neighborhood.

Like, damn! I would have rather been a discus. Oh, God. All right, what else? Yeah, I'm trying to think. So you went to Oklahoma, Indiana. What were you eating? Any memorable foods on this trip?

The people in Oklahoma made us some real good – they made us breakfast mountain and shit. It was a mountain of breakfast. Wait, breakfast mountain? Yeah. Explain. Yeah. Is that something from Adventure Time? Is this what he calls pancakes?

That too. But there was like a plate the size of this table and they just fucking piled it that high. And that was great. Mostly I ate mostly like granola bars and donuts because they're cheap. Yeah, true. And delicious. That's a good epit cheap. Yeah, true. It's like – and delicious. That's a good epitaph. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah, a lot of donuts and then some people would feed us and then mostly didn't – This is like the conversation between the stray dogs at night. Yeah, mostly squirrels. Sometimes people would give us stuff. Oh, when all the humans go to sleep. That's when the dumbsters speak. The better the dumbster, we call it Breakfast Mountain.

Breakfast Mountain. When I got to Chicago, I learned how to cook eggs, and I omelette these bitches. Like, I know how to cook omelets like a motherfucker now. You guys ever do blue cheese in an omelette? That sounds pretty dope. I have done that. It's fucking... I didn't know that you used omelette a motherfucker now. You guys ever do blue cheese in an omelet? That sounds pretty dope. I have done that. It's fucking... I didn't know that you used omelet as a verb.

Yeah, you use it however you want it. Well, I've been texting Tom my omelets for a while. That's actually a thing. Oh, yeah. That's going to, like, take Silver Lake by storm. It's going to be the new Dutch omeleting. Tomlets, baby. Damn it, you beat me by half a second.

Tom is the originator of, like, cool culture. He half a second. Tom is the originator of cool culture. Tom's the new black people. Because he's for sure going to be shot by police. He's just the font for the new weird quirky nonsense. Tom is the new punk. Take that, Netflix. Yeah, that would be cool. Yeah, I don't like getting pussy.

I can't be on the show. No, I like – I just – it's not worth talking to girls for it. You know what I mean? Or people. I just don't like – people – some guy kept talking about his woodworking after a show. And I was just like – I saw a lady shove a pen up her nose trying to kill herself. Like why are you – like I've had an exciting thing. Why are you talking about this shit?

I don't give a fuck about woodwork. I wanted to yell at him so bad. I just kind of sat there and just think about the fucking blood on the sheets. And then he's talking about the goddamn merits of oak. I don't give a flying fuck. Why the fuck are you talking to me? I was almost excited when I had a bad second. It's like, now no one's going to fucking talk to me.

Some guy came up to me and was like, you've got to hear about how I lost 10 feet of my fucking bowels. And then he didn't talk about that. It was like, unless you're showing me, I don't give a shit. This is fucking boring. Fuck you. Just don't talk to me. Unless you're going to give me a keychain made of your large intestine.

You're talking about the merits of oak when there's blood on it. You great American poet. Yeah, I just fucking, I just can't, I can't talk to people. And some of the people were real nice. I was the dick, fully. But I'd have to drink so much to talk to people. Then they just knew me as a guy who was drunk. But, you know, I don't think they gave a shit.

Terrible oak stories. What are the merits of oak, as he said? Oh, I was tuning out. I couldn't. But he was just talking. Yeah, you got to go with the grain. And I made a bowl. And I was like, I don't fucking care. I don't care about your goddamn woodworking.

I don't give a shit. He's like, that's my art. I go in, I shave the bowl, you do jokes. I'm like, I'm not, I'm gonna fucking carve out a stake so I can stack it. Don't talk to me. I don't want to talk to you.

It's, uh... You know, you get up on stage, Tom, and you rock people's world, and they shout you with adulation. This guy here, he's making an ottoman or something, and no one's shouting his praises. I feel bad for him. Oh, God, dude. Yeah, but my praises was having to hear about the goddamn ottoman. That's not it. It's just, I don't know.

Why did these have a whole empire? I don't even like them that much. You can't rule when everyone's putting their feet on you. Oh, man. Can we set Tom up in a speed dating situation? Oh, my God. I'll wear the GoPro. Yes, that'll help.

Okay, Tom showed up to a comedy show recently with a GoPro strapped to his forehead like some kind of weird porn miner. And it was upsetting how fitting it was. I didn't notice it after three minutes. It didn't strike you as odd at all? No. Oh, nothing is incongruous about this situation. Of all the people who end up as a cyborg, Tom. Yeah. How great would it be to have a cash cab camera

in the car when Tom's fucking horn would shut off yeah, Goss necklace what? GoPro, I don't know, just riffing it didn't go well yeah, I'm trying a lot of shit happened but it feels feels like fucking years ago at this point.

Oh, we did a show in a weed church in Indiana. Go on. They were like, hey, you can't give gays cake or something like that. And then there were all these weird people. I was going to stop you here. For sure no one told you that. Nobody said the words, you can't give gays cake. No, it's like a thing in Indiana.

Let them eat ass. Oh, I just now figured out what you think you mean. He's talking about how people don't want to sell wedding cakes to gay couples in Indiana. You can't give gays cake. Otherwise they turn into gremlins. I was going to say they're not gremlins. Well, so this guy was like, oh, I can use this to my advantage when there was all this hibbity-jibbity with the laws. And so he made a church of cannabis.

And so there's a weed church. I took pictures of it. It's like John and Jesus are like touching hands, Sistine Chapel or whatever. It has like a joint. It's got an atom, but close enough. Yeah, who gives a fuck? He's dead. And then it's a...

God? Okay, Tom Nietzsche. No, so they had like a joint, and then there was just like giant pot symbols, and then apparently all the neighbors protest like three times a week because it used to be their like family church. But yeah, Indiana's fucking dumb. So yeah yeah i got to perform at a pot church and then they i guess

they record the sets and then send them to some like juvenile detention center like on ipods because the kids can't have them or something like that so they like sneak the sets these kids and uh like uh like a jail school. And, uh... Jail school! There's some kid in solitary confinement with nothing but Tom's thoughts. Oh, man. Well, we know where the next shooter's coming from. Oh, my God.

Hey. That's gonna be like the X-Men contaminant that gives them all fucking... Hey, whatever inspires people. Yeah. There's some kid going on a rampage. I'm going to send you all to where the shirts are. Pillow pants dimension.

Pants dimension. The best show was probably, I mean, there was a club we did in Indianapolis that was, okay, take two. There was a club in Indianapolis that was okay take two there was a club in Indianapolis that was great and then there was also a show in Joplin some punk rock like

pizza place and it was in the middle of Joplin, Missouri and so many tatted white girls it was amazing

and the show was great they were like standing O's for fucking it was it was insane but yeah

they don't have comedy much over there and I don't think they fucking – it was insane. But yeah, they don't have comedy much over there. I don't think they have TV. It was pretty – Yeah. Yeah. But that was cool. And yeah, got – only threw up like three times.

Do you throw up often? No. Look at him. I just – Tom's stomach is pretty hard, you know. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, sure. It's like a lot of just like sugar and Advil have been.

That's the one person who's had to clean out Tom's vomit. I like this conversation. Oh, yeah. Keith had to clean out my vomit in Fresno after I ate a rotisserie chicken. He drank 15 shots. No, 18 shots and a Jack and Coke. Yo, ho, ho, and a bottle of rum,

you dumb fuck. But he drank that much, he ate a whole chicken. And then I got, like I got there late, so he was just like wobbling around like a fucking human weevil

and he's just like, I'm gonna be fine, I'm gonna live forever. And then 20 minutes later I hear him just projectile vomiting and I go in and like, I don't know how to explain how everywhere the vomit was.

Like, it was, you ever clean puke off a ceiling before? And it somehow smelled like poop. Like, I don't even know. Chicken, baby. That's not an explanation. Like, I like that it made it all the way down to almost your asshole. And then you were so nauseous, it, like it sent it back up the intestine through the stomach. Yeah. I drank a lot.

Well, I drank too much too quickly, I think, was what it was. Also, you ate a chicken. You ate a whole thing that was alive. I ate half a rotisserie chicken. You ate the whole chicken. You drank a barrel of poison and then an entire dead animal. I like to imagine there are bones in the vomit too. I'm vegetarian now.

There were bones in the vomit. Wait, is that one of mine? I got to get that back in there. I played Operation. I was prepared for this. It was good chicken. Although the book over there, Love of the Death, but like one time I went up there and I'm like, how you doing? And he's like, I swallowed a turkey bone. and then he was just, like, shitting and vomiting

blood the whole time I was up there. The Fresno show was great. I got to do 50 minutes for a retarded 22 Cambodians birthday party, so it was him and his family. I know he's retarded, so I kept doing crowd work. Like, like, like Pol Pot put the bag on for him. I didn't know he was retarded. I thought they just sounded like that. Yeah, no, I just, like, you know,

I don't have good, you know, retardar, or whatever it is. Tardar? Tardar. Tardar sauce. So I just kind of, I kept asking, like, what do you do for work? And he's like, oh, I do karate.

Legos. I do karate. I was like, that, and you, like, you teach karate? He's like, no, I do, I'm a yellow karate. I was like, you teach karate? He was like, no, I do. I'm a yellow belt. I was like, well, how the fuck is that a job? And I kept seeing the fucker just grabbing his head. Oh, no.

So worried I was going to say the wrong thing. I feel like that's something they should have warned you about in advance. They thought I knew he was retarded. No one told me he was retarded. Here's one of the things I've learned about Tom. He cannot distinguish retards from Asians. Well, he was bold. You kind of lump them in together.

When did I teach you that? It was like Looney Tunes in the 40s. Yeah, so... He just kept talking about karate. No job. So I... It was... That was...

That was... I gotta go to the karate factory fucking karate chop these are iPhones into place hi my name is Chad Dunga CEO of karate I gotta get 50 50 sidekicks and my supervisor got me mad. Pfft! Ah! Oh. Supervisor is sensei for grown-ups. Oh. I was also pretty drunk to realize someone was retarded. Like, before the show, we did that fucking, like, periscope thing

and someone saw a bottle of vodka and was like, do a shot! And then i just kept doing shots at like two in the afternoon because they asked me to yeah someone on facebook told me yeah and then they didn't come to the show they're like we'll come to the show if you do shots so i did it they didn't come to the fucking show uh so that was a waste i had a pitcher of beer and then a couple other drinks before i got so i had, like enough drinks to not know someone was retarded. You know, I think that's a fair enough.

The different thresholds of blood alcohol content. Can't drive. Can't distinguish mental illness. Point no charge. Lighting shirts on fire. One mohawk. That's part of the field sobriety test. They just put a child up there.

Okay, is he coloring because he's slow or whimsical? Yeah, no, the field sobriety test. They just put a child up there. Okay, is he coloring because he's slow or whimsical? Yeah. No, the mohawk was sober, and it was a terrific choice, by the way. Thank you. You're jealous, Keith. Yeah, Tom. Everybody wants to look like a homeless dinosaur. Hey, I'm distinguished, alright?

I agree. From what? Functional people? I think it's a fine look, Tom. Thank you, Joe. Let's get a quick picture for the fucking Twitter. I'm sorry, I'm just being a negasaurus. Weaning. Keith? I'm weaning so much. There, now they know I'm wrong. I was waiting so much. There. Now they know

I'm wrong. I was real hunched there. You did say I'm hunchy on an episode of Mean Boys. I did. I am. It was after a series. You're the hunch everything of Notre Dame. What else happened on the road, Tom? Any other

notable? We screamed. There were some fights with customer service people at gas stations. Multiple. What was the discrepancy? Well, my buddy, he's a good guy, but he, like, the

gas station guy, he was, like, too happy. You fought a man for smiling? Yeah, he was like, you know, yes like you know yes sir no sir just very smiley and then my buddy was like don't you have any fucking goals for yourself you're too nice to be working at a gas station uh and then we tried to steal the you know how the there's like uh the don't drive through this like they're not cones. Like cement sticks. You know what I'm talking about? What kind of Domino's snack order is this?

It's like if they don't want a car to drive into a thing. Yeah, yeah. And they have like plastic coating. There's like a condom for it kind of look. Yeah, yeah. And so they – like I was in the car and then we that was after a rough show uh and so one of my buddies was like fuck it and he popped the trunk and just threw the plastic covering in the trunk and there's like eight cops uh by and so i had to get an argument

over why we shouldn't steal like a fucking plastic we wouldn't have done anything with it we're going to steal something to be valuable I don't understand there was a fight about that uh we oh fuck I'm forgetting something we made a

Taco Bell waitress cry wait wait wait a waitress cry. Wait, wait, wait. A waitress? That's the only thing more confusing that would be hostess. The drive-thru hostess. You know, one of those bell waitresses. How'd you make her cry?

It was a group effort. My buddy, he was drunk, and so he had to pee. So we exited off the freeway, just walked out of the car and started peeing into the road. We're like, gotta get back in the car, dude. And he got back in the car, and then we drove to Taco Bell. And then he got back out of the car to pee at the Taco Bell, but it was closed, he just kind of peed on the sidewalk. And then we got in the drive-thru thing, and then we ordered, and then

he walked over and goes, how much is a falupa, or whatever the fuck he said. A falupa. And the drive-thru lady was like, excuse me sir, you're very close, you don't have to yell. And he goes, fucking bitch, we're getting out of here. through lady was like uh excuse me sir you're you're very close you don't have to yell and he

goes fucking bitch we're getting out of here and uh yeah it was it was it was a rough moment he misunderstood and then i still misunderstood what human decency yeah everybody i've yelled at people we all yelled at i said i wanted to kill a psych nurse in the middle of a steak and shake. That's what he said. Yeah, that's somewhat of a weird situation. There it is. There it is. That's the gold we were looking for.

John, explain. I was just talking. It started with that movie Bronson. You guys see Bronson? Yeah. How could it possibly start with the movie Bronson? I can't imagine any anecdote starting with the movie Bronson, let alone Snack Nurse and a Steak and Shake. And I just really love that movie.

I like that dude. I like his style. And then we were arguing about it and then it somehow got into mental hospitals. And I'm like, yeah, they're just doing their job. Like I'll fucking drag them through – I just started screaming in the Steak and Shake. I was in a bad mood about how I wanted to murder the psych nurses. And then I was like, I overreacted. So I walked them out for cigarettes.

So, yeah, it's just me screaming. We all had moments. I don't know what you guys expected from this podcast. Exactly this. Yeah, we got it. Okay, Tom. What else? I'm trying to...

God, I know I'm forgetting some things. I just like... You're like, yeah, it was really uneventful. And then I fucked a pigeon. I was listening to the White Stripes. What would you say is the biggest difference about... Because you grew up in California, right? Yeah.

What's the biggest difference between middle America and up in California, right? Yeah. What's the biggest difference between middle America and here? You know what? There's no people. The cities have people, but the place in Indiana that we first stayed in, not Indianapolis, I was like, yeah, they should have guns. Oh, I gotta fire a gun.

The day that... Okay, I maybe fired a gun. I'm not going to say for sure because it's technically illegal for me to hold a gun. But I was in – I would like to add Gats to that list. So the day after I had the Four Loko and lit the guy's shirt on fire. I woke up and it was like – A nice Midwestern picnic. Oh my god.

That was the first day I went vegetarian too. So all I had was fried mushrooms to eat and the next day – they don't have many options. And the next day – the next day fucking – the guy who owned the place was like you sober? I was like almost. He was like

I have a rifle and I was like okay. Allegedly. I allegedly had a rifle. He had a rifle. And then yeah I killed my first beer bottle.

I have a picture of me holding the gun. The fact that you say you killed it I don't think you started this with like allegedly goes the crime to I have photograph picture of me holding the gun. The fact that you say you killed it. I love that you started this with, like, allegedly goes to crime too. I have photographic evidence. Allegedly. I allegedly have a...

You don't know how this works? No, you just say allegedly, and then it's not... And then you go to prison. Allegedly. God, I hope you're never brought up in court. Simon says I didn't kill him. What? That's the law or something. Yeah, the first pistol was pink, and that felt a little weird.

But there was like an eight-foot wall of, allegedly, of stumps. I don't think the wall of stumps is not the incriminating portion, Tom. Unless they were like leg stumps. Tom, you are a wall of stumps is not the incriminating portion, Tom. Unless they were like leg stumps. Tom, you are a wall of stumps. And like the first three shots I like missed, like I almost hit the barn. I just fucking kept firing them like six feet

over this eight foot wall, allegedly. And guns are tougher than you think. And then I got a sniper rifle and then that was a lot more fun. I feel like this story is like the Texasxas chainsaw massacre family invited tom to hang out he's just oblivious to horror that was a beautiful farm you kind of freaked them out yeah that would be a great yeah i should do that in a script

or life i don't know whatever whatever floats a boat i don't know yeah uh so yeah i gotta i gotta yeah i gotta fire those guns. I get it. If you're in Newcastle, yeah, fucking have a gun. There's no people there. There's no, like, if you can go outside, spit in 365 degrees, and you don't see anybody, then you should, who the fuck cares?

You're not reading out there. What the fucking, there's no Wi-Fi. You're not reading. Just, yeah, fucking, you know how hard you'd have to work to find a person to shoot in that fucking camera? It's a Redneck game of hide and seek. There's no way this is a problem. I feel like you've considered this at length. Yeah, I've never allegedly had a gun long enough to do anything like that.

And I don't like shooting people. Like, how do you know? It's not like cup of tea. Yeah, it's not that, you know, I don't like talking to people. That doesn't mean I want them... Well, I don't want their death to be around me. That's chilling. Jesus Christ, dude.

I've never been afraid of you until right now. No, I think you guys are taking this out of context. I just don't like... No. I just don't like talking to people. No, I think we're in context. You're like the fucking saw murderer walking into the display station. Allegedly.

Oh, man. This is all going to be evidence. This is all out of context. This is all going to be evidence in the fucking Netflix documentary they make about Tom one day. Catching, or what is it called? Stephen Avery. No, no, no. Let Tom figure it.

What's the name of the show? It was making a Murderer, and then I thought it was called something else, so I was going to do some fucking wordplay thing. Like on that show Catching a Guy. You mean Catch a Predator? That show, Blonde People Hurting Man. Blonde People Hurting Man.

You don't know what he's the man who hurts people. He's blonde. The twist is he didn't though Yeah I've never done anything bad Well like into that extreme I've like you know littered and shit I've tried to kill myself a bunch of times But that doesn't count I've littered and tried to kill myself

Other than that Yeah I was trying to make some people litter I'm gonna leave me in the street Okay Tom Anything else I'm trying to think I mean there were wheelchair people I met. They were cool. And then...

Tom, you describe different groups as like Lord of the Rings races. The wheelchair people of the North. The Asian Tards. Across the sea. Yeah, the people we say with Oklahoma

really nice, became really great friends with them, love them to death. But there was this thing where I would put headphones on and write shit and then the guy, he had muscular problems. So he's all like dinosaur-y. And he – whenever I wasn't paying attention long enough, he'd just sit across from me and just start screaming he was going to rape me, but I couldn't hear. And then – but so that was – I mean, nothing happened. But yeah, that was interesting. Got to perform at the Oklahoma Thunder's favorite bar to drink at. That was cool.

And then some fuckface who was just hosting a show that night stole like $150 from us. Oh. So that was the low point. You didn't get raped, stole like 150 bucks from us. Oh. So that was the low point. You didn't get raped, so I think the day's a win. He was just being playful. He wasn't actually going to rape me. You don't know what my guy does. It's like a dog where it's like, oh, he's just getting to know you.

He doesn't actually want to butt fuck you against your will. No, he's cool. The fucking guy, he was all, we got there and his eyes were fucking, he was oxied, man. And he, yeah, drug money. He stole it from us. Yeah. Allegedly. No, he stole it from, yeah, no, allegedly.

I regret ever telling you about allegedly. I mean, you're not the first person to tell me about it. Allegedly means you commit a crime and then you don't anymore. It's like take back seats for the law. It's OxiClean for your record. Yeah, I don't have a record, I think. I don't think...

Psych wards don't go on the record, right? They're not crimes. Crimes against sanity. Technically, they are, but that's weird. What? It's illegal to kill yourself Yeah that's true I'm a lawbreaker

See this is why we need Trump I'll make it legal to kill yourself Without filling out a bunch of forms I am the best at getting you to kill yourself Oh great great great one Tom Alright we're not going political with Tom guys I think it's time to wrap this episode up Investing, getting you to kill yourself. Oh, great, great, great one, Tom. All right, we're not going political with Tom, guys. I think it's time to wrap this episode up. I think so, too.

Well, that was the road diary. Yeah, no regular episode this week. We'll be back soon. Were there questions? Oh, fuck. Yes. I think we got at least one. All right.

Some plugs in the meantime. Catch me and Keith at the Madhouse in San Diego this Thursday and on Friday in Fresno at Frank's Place at 9 p.m. Catch me in Laguna

Beach on Thursday night. I mean, boys, what did Tom do during the day on tour? Did he see any giant balls of twine or tinfoil

museums? Love, Caitlin. I mostly just hid from people. Was mostly what I did I didn't have a car I re-watched the entire series House Okay

Of all the shows Well if I can't sleep in one At least I can watch one Alright anything else I mean I drank Okay Hey so Caitlin exactly what Okay. I got – Hey, so, Caitlin, exactly what you thought.

I got drunk and watched House mostly and foosball, really good at foosball. I went to a boarding school in freshman year and they had a foosball table. Got really good. Psych wards also had them. So I had lots of time to practice. Really got good at – so I'm good at foosball. And then in Illinois, at midnight, I'd go and walk to my old school. And, yeah, that was kind of fucked. And just, like, look at it?

Yeah, kind of. Jail school. Okay. Reggie Mitchell, email address, stoolhumpermikedropper93 at AOL.com. Subject, comedy advice needed message hi mean boys my name is reggie break yourself mitchell and i'm fairly new to comedy my question is what type of tv credit is best to strive for getting a network tv spot that is only shown saturday at midnight that promotes your ex-girlfriend 97 more than you or sharing a spot on a basic cable comedy show

sunday at midnight knowing that it will be your only appearance because the producers deemed you too unsightly for television. Thanks for taking the time to answer my question. Grease is pieces. Kill yourself. Oh, man. I'm never going to get on TV. I'm not worried about it. I'm starting to question the validity of that, Connor. I want to know who wrote this

because it's tremendous. It's tremendously personal. And really just unkind. Stool Humper Mike. I don't know. I'll have to get back to you on that when I'm not edited out of television.

We've got another one, slightly more jovial, named Mean Boys Rules. First off, I love the podcast. I started listening recently. I've listened to almost all of them. Great fucking show, you guys. Seriously, I'm a new favorite podcast by Cut Far. You guys are fucking awesome and I look forward to each new podcast roast battle. Can we get a Mean Boys dating advice segment? Let's say you're almost as fat as Keith,

into old-timey shit as much as Joe, and are as white bread as Connor. Have a kid, and living at your mom's house, and your pot dealer's mistress friend that drops by doesn't want to gratify you anymore. I know I'm not alone in the Mean Boys listenership. It's a pretty specific thing. I think you may be alone, buddy.

Our fans are like when Frankenstein's monster went back to kill him. Yeah, well, we met a Mean Boys fan in San Diego that came out to the show. Who was actually super nice. He was cool as fuck. Orion, if you're listening, shout out, buddy. And then we asked him if we could crash at his house and he lived with his parents. So I don't know what we thought. Orion, fuck you, buddy.

Yeah. No, he made my day. Yeah, he should live somewhere else probably. Good advice. Do we have any dating advice for this guy? Have a kid and living at your mom's house and your pot dealer's mistress's friend that drops by doesn't want to gratify you anymore. There's too many words in there. Kill your kid.

I asked him to elaborate, but I think he put a fake email, so it bounced back. So I don't really know what you're talking about. Any general dating advice? Email us more dating questions. What are you confused about? Can you interpret this retard nonsense then? Yeah, he's living with his mom with a kid, and he's got a girl who's not showing him affection, and he feels trapped because he's fat, old-timey, and pale,

and he just doesn't feel loved. Date Tom. What's the prescription, Gus? Huh? How does this guy get his life back on track? Leave the house and get rid of the kid. How? Huh?

Gone, allegedly. You're all in a parking lot. He'll be clothed in these. I know. That's what fire stations are for I yeah you can't leave like

a six year old at a fire station I mean you can you know the hero department baby dumpster you can do anything it's America alright

yeah twitter at handy p writes hi cunts thanks for putting out such a despicable but funny podcast.

Being an edgy 15-year-old at heart, it really speaks to me. My question, who of you would be the first to die when the evil Bloodfeast eventually becomes your president? Keep up the shitty work. Greetings from your one fan in Germany. I feel like Karnak would kill me first or make him, like, me his leader. Probably the first one. I could lead Karnak. Either way, Karnak would see you as a rival.

He can either bring you into the fold or he has to neutralize you. I feel like I would have bullied Tyler Dawson at some point in school and I would probably be impaled with a swap meet bat list. I feel like you'd be Tyler Dawson's millhouse.

Tyler Dawson's millhouse. Acolyte of Dawson's millhouse. You know? Tyler Dawson's millhouse. Adolite of Dawson. The secretary of darkness. I bet I could out-drink

Carnock. Nah! Nah, no. My stomach is a black hole. Yeah,

mine too. I turn whiskey to war piss. We can go twosies on that one. I turn whiskey to war piss. We can go twosies on that one. We can go twosies. That doesn't mean anything. Cardock's frustrated.

And Tom is bad at improv. No. No. No, bud. Of all the things, that's what you take offense at. Well, everybody, I think that's our bonus episode. Yeah, I think that's it. I'd like to thank our special guest, Tom Goss.

Thanks, everybody, for writing the questions. And thank you to all the people throughout Oklahoma, Indiana, Missouri. They let me stay with them. They put me up on shows. That aren't listening to this. Awesome. No, I told them about it. Oh, Missouri. They'll let me stay with them. They'll put me up on shows. That aren't listening to this. Awesome. No, I told them about it. Oh, cool.

Or just for the general public to know I'm thankful. Yeah. You dumb faggot. I'm the bad guy. Not holding guns illegally. Allegedly. All people know I'm thankful and a murderer. Thanking a murderer.

Good night, everybody.