Mean Boys - BONUS #4 - Carnok: A Look Back

Episode Date: November 11, 2016

Support the show on Patreon: www.patreon.com/meanboys Carnok delivers his concession speech and looks back on his campaign. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Learn more at TurboTax.ca slash business tax. Hey, what's up, everybody? It's Tom Goss. I got a brand new podcast, The Don't Think Tank, on the Bad Audio Network. Last week's episode, we had Connor McSpadden, Keith Carey, Ramsey Dowey, and myself, and we talked about a guy who locked himself in a dog kennel, Alicia Keys and the Seven Dwarves, and fractional assault. Please take a second to give it a listen.

Hilarious episode. Thank you once again for listening to Bad Audio Network. Hey everybody, it's Keith Carey from the Mean Boys Podcast. Just a friendly reminder, Mean Boys will be back on November 22nd with brand new episodes. In the meantime, check out all the brand new shows dropping on the Bad Audio Network. In the wake of Tuesday night's shocking election

results, we thought we would make one final check-in with our official endorsement for President of the United States, Carnock the Bloodfeaster. Wretched pig children! It is I, Karnak, the Bloodfeaster! Destroyer of worlds! Devourer of infants!

Dark lord of rape and fire! I am joined by my sinister protege, the Earth Mongrel, Tyler Dawson! Sup, cunts? We have spent the entire year campaigning for control of your festering wound of a nation. We have promised you riches untold, glory upon the fields of battle. A chicken in every pot and a knife in every beck. And yet you have dared to defy us.

You have chosen the fruit-leather tyrant Trump as your god-king. Even we think that's evil, and I literally fucked a skeleton last week. To call the results shocking would be an understatement. If not Karnak, surely we assumed you would rally behind the bleeding heart and barren womb of the pantsuit chimera Clinton. But the American people have showed an unforeseen level of disregard for their own well-being. You gave the nuclear codes to a retard? I mean, that's fucking dumb, but also, like, pretty metal. Indeed, it is metal beyond comprehension.

As the election season draws to a close, we wanted to take a look back at a hard-fought campaign. That's right, bitches. It's a clip show. Roll the fucking tape! Lowly worms! Bow your heads and fill your loincloths with urine and the voice of karnak the blood god devourer of the innocent the wolf of all nations i set atop a throne of infant skulls the corners of my empire cower at my name and only one land has to defy my rule the land you call america yes i have visited the blind

prophets in the sulfur caves. I have breathed deep of the cauldron of knowledge and in its haze I have seen your world. Your amber waves of grain, your metropolises, your Johnny Rockets. You are a joke, you are scum, you are a fly on a smear of shit compared to the dark glory of Karnak, and you dare call

yourselves America the Great. Karnak will show you greatness. That is why I, Karnak and you dare call yourselves America the Great, Karnak will show you greatness. That is why I, Karnak the Blood God, am announcing that I am running for president in 2016 as a member of the Republican Party. Elect me your God-King and you will be cleansed of your putrid freedoms, baptized in the hellfire of my hatred. But Karnak, you may be asking, where do you stand on the issues? To that I say, you dare question Karnak, I will be asking. Where do you stand on the issues? To that I say, you dare question

Karnak? I will make a soup from your eyeballs. Your economy is in shambles. Karnak will restore balance with trickle-down economics. It is simple. You deliver your golden spices unto me, or I remove your throat with my hands, and your coward's blood will trickle down and poison the soil. You fear the ape King Obama will take your guns. Carnock cares not. Keep your puny firearms. They pose no threat to Carnock's armor. Carnock will eat your ammunition and he will shit a war. Carnock will ban

gay marriage. Carnock will ban straight marriage. All citizens with usable holds are now brides of Carnock. Your other candidates are puny. The one you call Trump, he claims to be the chosen one. Bring this orange man onto Carnock. With a single swipe of my axe, I will remove his limbs. Bleeding and weeping, the Trump stump will beg for death, but he will not receive it.

He will be sent to Flesh Rot Island and forced to gratify the lepers who live there. Do you hear me, Trump? You will be raped to death by the living dead. Your belly will fill to burst with the coagulated seed of the dead. So saith Carnock. Anyway, when you step into the voting booth, you have a lot of choices to make. But remember, they are irrelevant.

Carnock is eternal, and he will be your next overlord. A thousand years of darkness and four years of conservative values. Paid for by the pundit treasures of a fallen kingdom and Ann Coulter. Wretched pig children of America, kneel before Karnak, the bloodfeaster. Scourge upon your gods, decapitator of the innocent,

king of all hellfire. Last month I stepped forth into your realm to announce my candidacy as president of your feeble nation, and now I grace your pathetic ears with a campaign update! I have been traveling the United States in the official Karnak 2016 tour bus,

which is less of a bus than it is a pleasure tent filled with the finest ales and whores and carried on the broad backs of my strongest slaves. I've made the rounds, taking hands and killing babies. All of my speaking engagements have been triumphant successes, although their corrupt media refers to them not as political

rallies, but mass killings. Leave it to the bastard children of Yahweh to wield their influence against me, but it concerns me not. When elected, Karnak will round up the Jew worms and slaughter their tribe with eight crazy knives. It is a reference to your court jester, Adam Sandler. It is a reference to your court jester, Adam Sandler. Karnak is funny and relatable.

Adjust your perceptions or swallow many spiders. You may have seen my most recent television appearance. The fish princess Ellen DeGeneres taught me the nay-nay. In return, I taught her the true meaning of suffering. Despite my popularity, I have yet to be invited to the debates. Will none of your cowardly journalists speak when faced with the dark truth of Karnak? Raise your voices to the sodomite Anderson Cooper and tell him I will not be ignored. The ancient mystic

Sanders speaks of revolution, but he is an old fool. His bones are brittle by ancient heresy and his economic policies are optimistic at best. Hope is a lie and you are a false prophet. The icy golem Hillary claims she is treated unfairly because of her vagina.

Carnock abhors sexism. I will face Hillary as an equal on the battlefield. Choose your finest weapon and come forth to your doom. I will remove your skin to make a pantsuit and in it I will taunt your mourning daughter. Rumblings on the wind say the one you call

Ted Cruz is making progress. Carnock knows the truth. He will never be president. Your constitution is worth less than whore piss to Carnock, but it clearly states only a native son of America may rule this land, and Ted Cruz is no American. The one you call Cruz is of another race. In my realm, they are known as the Underdwellers.

They hide in packs on the banks of the Great Sulphur Lake, emerging only to eat their daily meal of jagged rocks and goblin smegma. I see your true form, Cruz, and I will destroy you. Heed my word. I will fill your anus with snakes and throw you into the sun.

Anyway, busy times ahead. More rallies, more press, and I will be appearing on Saturday Night Live because you weak-minded imbeciles demand your kings pander to you like common fools. And also because Carnock is a big fan of Kenan Thompson. But remember, vote Carnock. It's change you can be drowned in. Lowly American pig children, pull your ma mouths free of your McDonald's feed bags and prostrate yourself at the feet of the one

true lord, Carnock the blood feaster as you all know and fear I and my hellish armies are marching ever closer to securing the nomination for president of your putrid whore's cunt of a nation I have feasted on the innards of the walrus prince

Chris Christie, I have made a throne from the bones of Ben Carson. I have lubricated my thorn and cock with the tears of Jeb Bush and used it to violate his wife. And that was her idea. But now Ted Cruz, that whimpering satchel of pig urine, has announced that he will be running with the sea witch Carly Fiorina as his vice president, but their combined forces are no match for the strength of Karnak. I will unsheathe the Infinity Blade and skewer you both, united eternally in the blood-soaked coyness of a coward's death! However, my advisors, the blind prophets of the sulfur caves, have advised me that it is time to select my running mate.

And after scouring the Earthrealm, I have at last found a creature diabolical enough, monstrous enough, possessed of enough hate and bloodlust to serve as the right hand of Karnak. Behold the vessel of my unholy terror and my official candidate for vice president, Tyler Dawson! Hey, I'm Tyler. Yeah, I was on 4chan trying to figure out how to build a pipe bomb, because I went to my school as a fag. I found this weird post written in sand language or something, and then I read it out loud, and Karnak just showed up and shit. Yeah, he was wearing this gnarly guar armor, and he killed my dad and fucked up my mom's spoon collection.

He's fucking rad. Heed the word of Tyler, for he speaks the truth. Karnak is indeed fucking rad! And soon all shall perish from the white-hot burn of our combined radness. We have turned his now-worthless home into our campaign headquarters. His mother is my succubus, draining me of seed, and feeding me the pizza rolls of Tostino. I have taught young Tyler the ancient spells

of my race, and he has bestowed upon me the password to his Bang Bros account. I stole my dad's credit card. Yeah, I could shoot lightning out of my hands now. Dude, I killed so many squirrels, and I'll kill so many more. Outstanding!

But all is not violence and mayhem. Tyler has proposed several new laws that please Carnock! Yeah, when we win, it'll be illegal for any girl in my school to not suck my dick. And also, the new national bird is gonna be this sick fucking dragon

on my shirt and our cabinet is gonna be all the dudes from Slipknot. Plus that cool midget from Game of Thrones. And a cool midget he is indeed. So when the battleground of November arrives, remember who the one true God King is and vote Carnock Tyler. And together we will make America bleed again. Slayer.

Wretched pig children! Tear your garments and weep tears of piss at the thunderous voice of Karnak, the Bloodfeaster! As you know, I am running for president of your putrid vomit satchel of a nation. I am joined by Vice Presidential Candidate Tyler Dawson! Uh, uh, Mr. Karnak? Please, Mr. Karnak was my father, and I ate his organs and defiled his bride!

Whoa, you fucked your own mom? It is a tradition! What do you want? Oh, yeah, right, sorry. Uh, I was just gonna remind you about my new title. Yes, of course. Henceforth, the office of vice president shall be renamed. Pay your respects to Tyler Dawson, Archduke of Fat Titties. Sup, fags? The battle lines have been drawn for the upcoming election. The elephantine cowards of the Republican

Party have betrayed me, opting to back the leather-hided mongoloid Trump. It is of no concern. We will run as independent candidates, and together Tyler and I will defeat both him and the villainous pantsuit succubus known as Clinton. Carnock said when we win, I can make Hillary my sex slave.

And it's dope because I can bust in her all day and she won't get pregnant because she's like 100 years old. Indeed, her womb is as barren as the great plains of Skeleton Island. As you prepare to celebrate the anniversary of your country's soon-to-be-eradicated independence, we have chosen to address you and explain why we desire rule over this filth-ridden land. For though many kingdoms lie within Carnock's dominion, America is truly worthy of my iron fist. Yours is a nation that celebrates itself with the competitive eating of sausages while children starve in the streets.

America's rad as fuck. We have electric cars, and we still murder hella brown people so we can drive dirt bikes and shit. You spend millions of dollars ensuring the insane can be armed, and the more they slay, the easier it becomes to acquire weapons of death. Everybody's so fat

that I can just shoplift wherever I want, and I just have to jog for a minute so the security guard gets winded. You systematically oppress the ape people of Africa and then make them sing songs celebrating their place at the bottom of the food chain. Nobody voted for city council where I live, but 10 million people signed my online petition to have those bullshit girl Ghostbusters get raped by Slimer. And have you been to a Taco Bell? Truly the most evil place I have ever seen. And I am literally the king of the hell that demons go to when they die. What we're saying is, is America's a fucking nightmare already. Think about how much more hardcore it can be with us.

Indeed, I have seen many terrors in my time. I have conquered the temples of the Spider King. I have torn asunder the great warriors of Fistfuck Mountain. One time I had dinner with John Boehner. But I have never seen such a consolidation of apathy, hatred, and vile, sputtering cruelty as I have seen on the grease-stained lips of the American people. The other candidates say God bless America. We say America beheads God.

So as you go to your parties of pool to roast meats and imbibe the unholiest brew of Bud Light, remember that Carnock is what this broken nation deserves. Together, we can build a brighter tomorrow. And set it the fuck on fire. So sayeth Carnock! I am Karnak! turbulent times, we need a strong leader. A dedicated leader. A leader who's not afraid to get his hands dirty with the blood of his enemies. A leader that will defile the temples of the gods of Oldenville, their communion goblets with fire ants. That's why I love Carnock. You see, Carnock's not like these fat cats and flip-floppers we've got in office now. No, sir,

Carnock's not a politician. He's an ancient god of war from another dimension who has set his bloodthirsty eyes on taking America as his own. And me? Well, I like a man who goes after what he wants. Carnock isn't concerned with petty things like universal health cares or deciding if queers can get married. Carnock is dedicated to building a wall to protect the borders of this nation from the real enemies of freedom, the zombie servants of the dreaded Spider King. Carnock keeps his word 100%. If he says he'll have your skin removed with a cat of nine tails

for heresy against the Bloodfeaster, then by golly, he'll have your skin removed with a cat of nine tails for heresy against the Bloodfeaster. That's the real truth. Or my name isn't... I don't know. I want to say Glenn glenn maybe whatever the most american name is anyway together with his vice presidential candidate tyler dawson a teenage satanist who may or may not be guilty some pretty horrific murders carnox taking control of this country one vote at a time surrender your future freedom and prostrate yourself at the feet of the blood feaster it's what the founding fathers would have wanted if you you're interested in supporting the campaign, well heck, what am I droning on for? Let's hear

it from the man himself. Wretched pig children! Karnak is your blood-soaked messiah! Your tributes of gold, spices, and whores are both appreciated and mandatory. But the campaign is still in need of more treasure. This ad

space doesn't fucking buy itself. Therefore, we have designed a t-shirt most foul that you may wear upon your body before I destroy it with knife wounds. The Carnock Dawson campaign t-shirt is only available until September 19th, at which point it will disappear back into the void from whence it came. Seriously, it's a fucking dope shirt. It's 20 bucks and it'll help keep the campaign going and keep the Mean Boys podcast online so we can spread the word. Click the link in the show notes or go to the Mean Boys Twitter page to buy it. Otherwise, when me and Carnock win, I'll burn your house down and do weird stuff to your daughter's butt. Once September 19th rolls around, it'll be gone forever, so don't wait.

Slavery is salvation! The blood moon shines upon all of Carnock's bastards! Buy your shirt, pledge your loyalty, and together we will make America bleed again! Alright, here's your stupid podcast or whatever, you fucking dorks. CNN presents Debate Night in America with your host, Anderson Cooper. Good evening, everybody. I'm senior political reporter and gay dude your mom wants to bang, Anderson Cooper. The media has been abuzz with coverage of debates between Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump. However, we here at CNN want to give an opportunity to the third-party candidates to make their platforms public. We've invited three of them to participate in the debate today.

Please join me in welcoming the Green Party nominee, Dr. Jill Stein, the Libertarian Party nominee, Governor Gary Johnson, and Supreme Overlord of the Kandarian War Party, Carnock the Bloodfeaster. Cease your tepid applause or be impaled! We begin with Dr. Stein. Immigration has been a hot-button issue this election season. If elected, would you support immigration reform? I would propose a path to citizenship as well as amnesty for immigrants currently living in the U.S.

America stands for inclusion, and to reject hardworking people from our nation would fly in the face of everything we hold dear. Governor Johnson, the same question to you. Thanks, Anderson. If elected, I... The flesh-satcheled Johnson will add nothing to the dialogue. Like this so-called doctor, I too propose a path to citizenship. But it is a serpentine and treacherous path, lined on all sides by living trees and diamond-dicked rape wolves. What follows will be a gauntlet of savagery and torments, physical and spiritual, and only the strongest shall survive. That's right, Jose. If you desire asylum in the heaving bosom of the United States. The price will be paid in blood.

I would like to remind all the candidates that interrupting is against the rules of the debate, and we would ask that you please take the time to respect the other candidates. Thank you. Now, as I was saying, I would like to... Moving on. The next question is for Karnak the Bloodfeaster. Antonin Scalia's death opened up a key seat in the Supreme Court. What would you look for in a potential replacement justice? The Supreme Court shall be torn apart brick by brick, like the temple of Jehovah's bastard children. Your feeble old fools have spent too long

vidicking in the shadows, and they shall be beheaded in the town square. The highest law of the land shall be the will of Karnak. If I require counsel, I shall take audience with the blind prophets in the sulfur caves, and shall breathe deep of their sinister cauldron and be gifted with dark visions of a violent truth. I have been very clear on this issue. Next question. Dr. Stein, you've stressed that America's energy policies are in desperate need of reform.

Can you elaborate? Yes, yes, I can. For too long, America has relied on nuclear power. It is unsafe, unreliable, and we must move forward. Heresy! Mr. The Bloodfeaster, please wait your turn. Lowly sodomite worm!

You dare challenge the authority of Karnak? I will dangle you by your intestines from the tree of carnal punishment with the rest of the blasphemers and usurpers.

You shall be flayed with the blade of Aragoth, and from your hide I will fashion a new scabbard. It will be as practical as your skin is surprisingly smooth for a man of your age.

There are rules, Carnock. Now please... I care not for your feeble rules! Carnock will take your regulations and your constitution and will use them to dab the smegma from his thorned cock. The compost succubus Jillenstein fears the power of

the atom. This is cowardice, unbefitting of a leader. With the dark power of America's infernal sorcery, we will arm ourselves with weaponry to eviscerate the armies of our foes. All will tremble at the nuclear fist of Karnak, from the treacherous Spider-King to the dark heralds of the Void to the hellscape Australia. Are you suggesting that we would take America to war with Australia? Of course not.

War implies the possibility of retaliation. We will make Australia no more. The skies above the outback will be blackened by a swarm of rockets. And like locusts under the Egyptians, they will descend. The koalas will weep. And the dingoes will have no babies on which to feed. For all will be turned to ash so say it karnak you are unfit to be president and you are unfit to be part of my

harem with your cobweb hair and your withered sand pit of a vagina yeah if i could interject for a moment shut up gary nobody gives a hot fuck your behavior is unacceptable your campaign has come under fire multiple times this election season. Your running mate is a juvenile delinquent with a long history of criminal offenses. Your platform seems to be based entirely on murder and mayhem. And this tape was recently released from your 2005 appearance on Entertainment Tonight. Hmm, that Kelly Clarkson a real hot piece of ass, isn't she? Indeed. Her body pleases Karnak, and that she is fat, but not like Fat Fat.

Truly a sturdy utilitarian woman. I would put her to work in the field, and then have her taken to my pleasure tent, where I would fill her with seed until it flowed from her mouth like an unholy cherub fountain. How do you respond to this? I regret nothing. You think I fear shame? Shame is for cowards. Karnak is pure.

Karnak is strong. Karnak is strong. Karnak will grab God himself by the pussy. Minions, bring forth the blood storm! America, the time is nigh. Your feeble gatekeepers have kept Karnak's name from the ballot,

but it is up to you to ride in and make me your one true god king. This is madness. Wretched hemp temptress. Taste my axe. You know, as governor of New Mexico. My dick. My dick.

My dick is full of a bullet. That's funny because now you don't have a dick. The hell mouth is open. Step into the booth and vote for the darkness! Carnock Dawson 16! Make America bleed again! So many memories! Bro, are you crying?

What? No! Fuck you! It is you who are crying, feeble meat pouch! Alright, dude, chill. Karnak does not chill! So for now, we will leave this plane of existence. But this is not a defeat, rather a strategic retreat. We will bide our time as you foolish Americans tear yourselves limb from limb. Let the trumpling fulfill its infantile

promises and cripple your land. When your souls are weak and your hearts yearn for the warm embrace of subjugation, only then shall Karnak return. Behold! The Hellmouth is open! I shall pass through

this portal and return to my throne! Carnock, can I come too? Come on, man. America sucks. I hate it here. Everyone is stupid. Also, you fucked my mom to death so I'm kind of an orphan or whatever. Ah, very well.

Into the Hellmouth with ye! Sick. So goodbye for now, America. Carnock will return when the Blood Moon summons him once more, or in three weeks when Keith runs out of ideas. Await my return, faithful disciples, and together we will make the world

bleed again!