Mean Boys - BONUS #5 - A Message From Mark Malloy

Episode Date: November 15, 2016

Support the show on Patreon: www.patreon.com/meanboys Mark Malloy stops by to give his thoughts on the election. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Get to Toronto's main venues like Budweiser Stage and the new Rogers Stadium with Go Transit. Thanks to Go Transit's special online e-ticket fares, a $10 one-day weekend pass offers unlimited travel on any weekend day or holiday anywhere along the Go network. And the weekday group passes offer the same weekday travel flexibility across the network, starting at $30 for two people and up to $60 for a group of five. Buy your online Go pass ahead of the show at gotransit.com slash tickets. Starting at $30 for two people and up to $60 for a group of five. Buy your online Go Pass ahead of the show at gotransit.com slash tickets. The GMC employee pricing event is on now. Get a big cash purchase discount of up to $12,300 on the 2025 GMC Sierra 1500 and the 2025 Sierra HD. With Sierra 1500's premium interior and advanced tech or Sierra HD's impressive power and capability,

you'll have everything you need to get from work to play with confidence this season. Hurry in. Employee pricing is on for a limited time. Visit your local GMC dealer for details. Hey, what up, you fucking fucks? It's your boy, Mark Malloy. The Mean Boys podcast is going to be back with all new episodes next Tuesday. But in the meantime, those fucking pillow biters, Connor and Keith, asked me to come talk to you guys about the election. Fucking Trump, kid.

It's bonkers. He's loud, he's dumb, he's racist. Honestly, he's pretty much me. Only difference is you fucking ding-dongs made him the leader of the free world, whereas I have been fired from three separate dildo stores. Now look, nobody's more disappointed than me than Donald Trump won, because as we all know,

everyone from New York is a retarded child molester. I didn't vote for him or that fucking Frostbox Hillary. I did the same thing I do every election and wrote in, quote, Mark Wahlberg or the ghost of JFK, whoever's fucking available. But we're fucking here now and we're gonna figure it out. But you know who can

really go fuck himself with a brick of firecrackers? Is that fucking Mike Pence dude. This fucking guy with his bitch face and his fucking Anderson Cooper hair. He looks like the mayor of a town where dancing is illegal. Pence is a huge homophobe and I don't fuck with that at all, kid. He's the fucking mook who passed the law in Indiana and said queers can't eat pizza or whatever.

Fuck that. Every fruitcake has the right to a large sausage in Mock Molloy's America. But the worst part? He supports conversion therapy. That's when some cocksucker in a polo shirt electrocutes teenagers until they stop being gay. That's fucked up, dude. Nobody should get tortured and told they're a bad person for liking dick unless they're paying good money for it, in which case shine on, you freaky diamond.

I'll tell you what, you ask me, I think it's bullshit to think you can zap the Nancy out of someone. So I'm going to take the Pepsi challenge on this shit. Mike Pence, come on out to South Boston and let me fuck you right in the ass. You're going to fucking love it, dude, I swear to God. I'll light a bunch of candles and put on the fucking cranberries. That'll get your butt pussy dripping real good. And you know what? I'm going in dry.

You know why? Because you're a coward and lube is for men. You're getting a palm full of spit and a punch to the back of the head and you're gonna say, thank you, daddy, or I'm gonna fish hook you with a finger I dipped in your fucking colon. I'm not fucking gay, but I'll pound a dude's shit pipe to prove a fucking point. You hear me?

And you can fucking jack me up to a car battery or whatever while I do it, too. You think I'm afraid of you? I've gotten electrocuted so many times trying to steal free cable, I've built up a fucking immunity. You give me 200 volts, I'll give you 7 inches of Boston-baked beef stick, and we'll see who switches first. And one more thing. If anybody listening to this podcast

gets any shit out there for being a fucking swish you come on down to Kalani's and you let your boy Mark know. I'll be there in 20 minutes with a crowbar and a hot on and I'll give these fucking homophobes a dick to really be afraid of. Alright, I gotta go. They're towing my car because apparently it's illegal to park it on my own

fucking sidewalk. Thanks a bunch, Trump. Enjoy this collection of all my appearances on the show, and check out the other shows on the Bad Audio Network. And the Mean Boys will be back next week, you fucking moogs. Hey, Mark Malloy here. Anybody in South Boston knows if you need anything, I'm the man to see. From a good deal of furniture, to gently used cars, to a few kinds of parliaments maybe fell off the back of the truck.

Mark Malloy's your guy. Recently, I've been looking to diversify my cash flow. I was talking to my nephew, Little Pete. You know Little Pete, he's that kid with the glasses, works down at the park raking leaves. His head's shaped all wackadoo because his mom smoked while she was pregnant. He's fucked up, bro. Anyway, he's into all that internet nerd shit. And at first, I'm like, Jesus, Pete,

get your shit together. Learn to catch a football or something. But then I looked up the numbers and realized there's wicked money in this shit. So that's why I'm proud to announce the grand opening of Mark Malloy's Anime Emporium. Are you a grown-ass man who loves Japanese cartoons? You one of those toothpick-counting autistics?

Maybe you got a lot of fedoras. Ain't never fingered a bride. Now this store is for you. We got all the hottest anime titles. Attack on Titan. That's some bullshit with giants or something. I don't know. Or maybe you like Dragon Ball Z. The last time I was Dragon Balls,

it was on the face of that boss gang of Metakalani's. I don't know what the fucking Inuyasha is, but you got 20 bucks. You can take it home and put it in your dumb butt or whatever. We got Tamagotchis, Miyazakis, Mitsubishis, swords like a motherfucker. You wanna bust it under the pillow with a picture of some slut with cat ears on it? We got you covered.

Plus, if you're some kind of gross pervert, we got a bunch of DVDs about little jabbed schoolgirls getting fucked airtight by a spooky octopus. I'm serious, kid, it's friggin' bonkers. So come on down to Mark Malloy's Anime Emporium, bringing the finest and creepy homo nonsense to South Boston, conveniently located off Blue Hill in Dorchester, next to where the

crack house used to be. State your name and read from the script. My name is Tom Hollenbot. I am a journalist captured by the Islamic State. I have sworn allegiance to America, the great Satan, for which I will pay for my life by the will of Allah. This man is western swine and an enemy of Islam, for which there can be no mercy. We make no demands of any authority watching this video. We are showing you the fate of all those who oppose the will of the Islamic State of Iraq and Syria. And Worcester! Wait, what? The Islamic State of Iraq and Syria. And Worcester! Wait, what?

The Islamic State of Iraq, Syria, and Worcester. I totally fucking conquered everywhere on Southbridge, west of the Shell Station, for the fucking caliphate. There's some old fucking boss gangs floating around that might give you some shit, but they're usually too drunk to find the boss to have sunk up their cavernous snatch. They ain't gonna do shit. I'm sorry, who are you? This is the new convert I was telling you about.

I don't remember this. You don't listen. Oh, fuck, bro. My bad. My name is Mark Malloy, loyal fucking soldier of Allah's glorious caliphate over here. You're our new member. Oh, yeah, bro. I got laid off from the fucking warehouse, and I haven't had shit to do but watch YouTube

since my last DUI, and I saw your web presence and i just i got radicalized to shit kid i see fuck america bro seriously they're taking fucking drones and they're blowing up weddings in yemen and a fucking bud light tall boys like eight bucks now like i'm buying four of them for some skank from somerville not what i can secure my place in allah's fucking paradise by spreading the wahhabi to all ends of the earth right but queer my name is bashir brother fucking but queer but queer relax i'm fucking with you pull your tampon out uh brother mark do you even let your brads have tampons around here you guys are fucking nuts brother mark we appreciate your enthusiasm but we're trying to spread allah's message right now oh sure kid sure

kid the cab would take the shit out of this Hey, how about I sack tap him a few times before you cut his fucking head off, huh? Yeah, you like that? You fucking take that in the nuts, you imperialist douche. Oh, oh, oh, my nuts. Mark, Mark, just please, we're fine. We got it, okay? Sure, dude, whatever you say.

I ensheed this blade that it may bathe in the blood of the infidel. May Allah's will be done. No, no, no, no! Hello? Hey, Pete. No, I can't go watch the Pats game right now, kid. I'm in fucking Damascus.

Damascus, you dumb cunt. Why don't you borrow another 20 bucks from your mother and buy a globe, you fucking retard? You did too, you fucking douchebag. You're a fucking douchebag. That's it, Mark. Go wait outside. You are ruining our beheading. Just get out of here.

We'll initiate you into the Islamic State another time. Just go. All right, all right. You know what, man? You could be a little fucking friendlier. You've been a dick to me since I got here. I'm an American who defected to ISIS, which is already fucked up i used all my fucking sky miles to fly to dubai and then i rode in the trunk of an old fucking soviet jeep the rest of the way with fucking

swamp nuts from a 30-hour flight and i don't know how i'm gonna explain to that rag at the unemployment office that i couldn't look for a job because i've been in fucking syria for three weeks he's right hamza you're not nice if we want to install a one-world theocracy, you have to learn how to be a people person. You know, you're right. Mark, I apologize. I am honored and humbled to have you as a soldier of the Caliphate.

I tell you what. Tomorrow, we'll make another proclamation, and you can write the entire thing. Fuck yeah, dude! Let's celebrate with a solemn, respectful fast, kid. The next day. We represent the Islamic State

of Iraq and Levant and we issue the following decree. The Jets suck. I'm surprised Tom Brady could find the time to win four Super Bowls

given all the time he spends fucking your mom, bro. Yankees fans are cunts and the Giants haven't had a team since my fucking

balls descended. Philly girls are ugly and all Steeler fans are a bunch of cheesesteak eating queers. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Queers. Queers. Queers. Queers. Fuck yeah, bro. Get him. The entire world will submit to

Wahhabi Islam just like Eli Manning submits to the fucking fireman he dates every night. Praise Allah. Hey, that fucking Haji said the Jets suck! I'll kick his fuckin' ass, kid! Hey, you think you better make fuckin' pizza! Fifty years later.

And as President of the United States, today I honor the memory of Mark Malloy, the brave American covert operations agent who infiltrated the Islamic State and succeeded in rallying all the East Coast dipshits of this great nation into a unified force to defeat them. May God bless him, and may God bless America.

Oh, shit. Oh, shit, Mac. Mac, wake the fuck up already. Oh, what the fuck, Dennis? Jesus, shit, kid. Mac, where the fuck are we? We're in a creepy fucking basement. I have no idea how we got here. Shit, Dennis, I shit, kid. Mark, where the fuck are we? We're in a creepy fucking basement. I have no idea how we got

here. Shit, Dennis. I don't know. I just remember doing the 12 car bomb at Kalani's and then, I don't know, what the fuck? Well, shit, Mark. We got fucking contraptions wired to our fucking heads. We hook up with some Fifty Shades of Grey broads or something? Yeah, why don't you tie yourself up and wait for a fireman to come in, you fucking moe?

Fuck you. Hello, Mark and Dennis. Mark, it's that creepy gay puppet from the Saw movies, dude. Yeah, tell me something I don't know, Skidmack. You've of course noticed the two bear traps wired to your heads. If you're unable to remove them in ten minutes, I will press this button and they will tear your skulls in half. But you needn't

worry, gentlemen. The key is right here in this room. I'm sure you've noticed the large pizza in the middle of the table over there. The large San Francisco style pizza. Oh no! Don't get me started, you howdy doody cocksucker! I believe the dough

is even gluten-free, gentlemen. Fuck you! Jam of a trilliquist fist right up your ass! The key to your death traps is baked somewhere inside. To free yourself, Dennis will need to eat his way through to find it. California's finest pizza. Gentlemen,

live or die. Make your choice. Oh shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. Fuck you doing? You little maxi pants studying the fucking pizza.

It's not pizza. Mark. That abomination came from San Francisco, San Francisco. Fuck it. Dennis. I swore on my father's deathbed I would never eat a slice of pizza

made on the West Coast. You would have. Dennis, we got bear traps wired to our fucking heads that are gonna pull our skulls apart. I'll just paw through it to find the key. I don't need to fucking eat it. Dennis, it's a fucking serial killer

puppet on a tricycle. He's not gonna let you off on a fucking technicality. All right. All right, I'll do it. Oh my god, Mac. Oh my fucking shit, Mac. Oh, fuck, Dennis, no. I'm sorry, Pizza.

I'm disgracing your honor to save myself. Jesus, I can't even look at you. Fuck you, emo Pinocchio. You better not be beaten after this. I found it. I found the fucking key, Mac. Oh, well, fuck. Talk about it, Simone. Instead of unlocking the thing.

Shit. All right. All right. I got him off. Are you all right, Mac? I'm all right, Dennis. I fucking love you, Mac. I fucking love you, Dennis.

You're safe. Some people are so ungrateful to be alive. But not you. Not anymore. And one more thing, Dennis. Happy birthday. What? I one more thing, Dennis. Happy birthday! What? I fucking got you, retard!

Yeah, but the creepy serial killer puppet thing! No, what? That's just Cousin Brad! Sup, queer? Looks like you enjoyed your California-style pizza, am I right, douchebag? You cocksucker! Oh, I think you fucking loved it, kid! You ate the whole thing! Hey, someone get this fruitcake a slice with some soy riso on it or some shit. You motherfuckers.

I'm going to have PTSD to shit, kid. Deuce, deuce, deuce, deuce, deuce, deuce. Mark, what are you boys doing down there? Oh, sorry, Aunt Mary. We're just fucking with Cousin Dennis a little bit. Language. Sorry. Deuce, deuce, deuce, deuce, deuce, deuce, deuce, deuce, deuce, deuce.

Oh, you fucking queer Hey, you fucking mooks It's your boy, Mark Malloy You might remember me as the owner of Mark Malloy's South Boston Anime Emporium Or as the guy who stole your grandma's Percocets that one time It's been a fucked up weekend, kid, I'm serious I'm sure y'all heard some numbnuts haji in Florida went all wackadoo Rambo and killed a bunch of queers It's the shittiest thing to happen in Florida Since that time time i got kicked out of disney world for trying to finger pop daisy

duck here's the thing people have called me homophobic i say the word faggot more than anybody on earth that's not me bragging it's true they sent a guy from guinness book of world records they put me in the book and gave me a plaque with a picture of javi milk crying but as much as i talk shit i fucking love the mo's i I remember way back, me and little Pete was driving around. We was drinking rum and alcohol and putting firecrackers up cats' buttholes. We ended up in the fudge pack in District with some bar full of Nancys, and you know what?

Best fucking night of my life. Swear to God, it was bonkers, kid. They had these crazy little muscle boys dancing in cages, and the floor was covered in this crazy foam. Just three feet of this fucking party soap bullshit. It was like partying with Mr. Bubble if he did nitrous and turned into that drug dealer from the end of Boogie Nights. I saw

that dude do one line of coke off two dicks locked in, tip to tip. Fucking guy went from base to base in one move. Unbelievable. Hottest fucking thing I've ever seen. All the booze was full of crazy neon nonsense, and the bartender said he used to cornhole Tom Brady on the down low. That's impressive as fuck. I mean, I'm a fucking

goon for poon, but if T-Braid's drop trowel and asked me to get gay on his shit, I'd let him fill up my throat like a fucking food stamp application. That's the Cadillac of dicks. Anyway, little Pete went to the bathroom with his big old fucker in a leather vest that looked like Haggar from Final Fight, so I went out for a smoke. Met this tripped out Filipino twink,

we started talking about the socks. Next thing you know, we're doing poppers behind a dumpster and having a jerk-off race. It's not gay if you turn it into sports. That's in the fucking Bible. And you know what? Fuck it. Even if it is a little gay, I ain't mad. You ever heard of the Kinsey scale?

Read a fucking book, you dumb shit. What I'm saying is me and these fruitcakes got a lot in common. We like tank tops, hitting the gym, and being way too fucking loud in public. So I just wanted to say that Mark Malloy stands with Orlando and with the LGBTQA what-the-fuck-ever community. And the Mean Boys do, too. They're good kids, and they got a fag and a half between them. Plus, between you and me, that McSpadden seems like a real Tom Brady.

All right, enough of this feelingsy shit. I gotta go figure out if it's legal to trick a retarded person into thinking you're a ghost so they'll give you the disability check. Be good to each other, you fucking fucks. And Isis, you come try that shit in Southie, I'll call up the non-famous Walburg brothers and we'll gangbang your eye socket with a fucking screwdriver. U.S. Gay!

U.S. Gay! U.S. Gay! Gwang! Pokemon! Stay close, Pikachu. Who knows who's hiding in these woods? Pika-pee? Prepare for trouble. Make it double. Oh no! Team Rocket! Pikachu! Get him!

Pika! Not so fast! Oh no! Pikachu! That's right! And we know all your other Pokemon are in the Poka Hospital. There's nothing you can do to stop us from taking that Pikachu. You're finished. I still have one Pokemon left. I've never seen this type before.

I found him rummaging through my trash can last night. Here goes nothing. Oh, what the fucking fuck is going on here? What? What is this strange creature? The name's Mark Malloy, and I'm fucking pissed off, kid. I had a few whiskeys with Nurse Joy last night. I was supposed to finger pop it by the dumpster. Next thing I know, this little jab kid comes running at me, chucks a

fucking baseball at my dome, and then I'm stuck inside the motherfucker, like I'm fucking White Kazam. No wonder Mark Wahlberg doesn't trust you people. He's got a real putty mouth on him. Holy shit, kid. Did that fucking cat just talk? It doesn't matter. Prepare for battle. Battle? What the fuck

are you talking about, you crazy gash? Meowth, use slash. Ah, fuck me. Now I'm gonna get whatever version of hepatitis they got here. What attacks do you know, Mark Malloy? Oh, you wanna see an attack? I got a fucking attack for you. Mark Malloy uses pocket screwdriver. What? Wait,

what? Ah! Oh, shit, look at that. It's super effective. Arbok, go! Arbok! Holy shit, look at that. It's super effective. Arbok, go. Arbok. Holy shit, kid, that thing is fucking badass. Look, I'm gonna kill it, but I kinda wanna get a tattoo of it. Arbok, poison fang. Ah, nice try, trouser snake, but I can't be poisoned.

I've been drinking Jager since I was on my mom's fucking tit. Now you bite that fucking curb. Arbok. Arbok. Oh, Jesus. There's usually not this much blood. Peek. Oh, man, this is fucking great, kid. It's nice to be able to kill animals without somebody trying to send me to that hospital for phoebes. Who's next? Uh, coughing. I choose you. Coughing? Coughing! Well, fuck me. Yeah, check the scoreboard, bitch. Mark Malloy fucked up all them Tamagotchis.

That's not what they're called, and you know it. Ah, blow me, Charlie Chan. I'm out of here. You fags have fun with your goofy little cockfights or whatever. Hey, you with the pink hair. You want to make that R on your shirt stand for railed in the bathroom of a Dunkin' Donuts? I mean, kind of. Jesse! Hell yeah.

Sucks to be you, nerd. Come on, slut. Let's fucking party. Kill me. Fuck Pokemon. I'm going back to school. Team Mark Malloy's finger blasting off again. Jesus fucking Christ, Mark.

We've been walking for an hour. Ah, shut your muff, will ya? Kalani's is right around the corner. I don't know why we couldn't just go to Murphy's. It's right by my mom's house. Kalani's is the best bar in Boston, Trish. Plus, I'm not allowed at Murphy's, on account I yelled the N-word at the bartender. Why'd you do that? He's Italian.

That's what I told him. I was being fucking ironic or whatever. Dumb whop guinea wouldn't know irony if it came up and kicked him in the meatballs. Whoa, whoa, whoa. What the fuck is this? Stay back, folks. We've got an active situation here. Ah, jeez. Did little Pete get all handsy with another waitress? Cut him some slack.

He's got that retard strength. He didn't mean nothing by it. No, there's a man on the roof threatening to jump. This is serious. I'll do it. I swear to God, I've got nothing left to live for. Oh, shit, kid. That's friggin' nuts. Do a flip. Jesus, Mark. You're such a fuckin' prick. Oh, what? Fuck me for wanting a little showmanship out of the guy. Son, come on down from there. Let's talk it over.

We got a therapist on the line who's ready to help you out. I don't want a Jew therapist. I want to die. Life is meaningless. Yeah, all right. I'm fuckin' bored. Can we just slip by Jew therapist. I want to die. Life is meaningless. Yeah, alright. I'm fucking bored. Can we just slip by? Kouanis is right there. We're not gonna just walk through, Mark. What if he jumps? He's gonna pop like a water balloon and I wore my good pants tonight. I just got the blood stains out of these from our

last date. Hey, if you didn't want to get blood on you, you shouldn't have gone drinking in Southie, you goofy broad. Will you two please be quiet? I'm trying to save a goddamn life here. Listen, I know it seems like there's no hope and like the world isn't worth living in, but think about all the beauty around us. The sunrises and the waves crashing on the ocean

and the way Fenway lights up on game night. There's good. There's happiness. And I promise you, if you come down from there, whatever you're going through will pass and you'll be all right. So please, for me, for your family, for yourself, come off the roof, brother. That sounds like some queer shit.

Oh, for God's sake. Mark, do something! But what do you want me to do? That cop just read him in that little fucking poem or whatever and it didn't do shit. Honestly, I just hope he jumps soon so I can get a drink. I'm almost sober. What kind of man are you? You can't save a fucking weepy loser standing on a ledge? If you think you're to let this guy die and still fuck me,

you're going to be very disappointed. All right, for Christ's sake, fine. It's all day with this shit. Chief, give me the megaphone. What? Absolutely not. Trust me. Oh, Mark, be careful.

Fine, here. Yo, you goofy fuck, can you hear me? Yeah, I hear you. Where'd the cop go? Who are you? Fuck you, that's who I am. Listen up, you retard. You want to commit suicide?

In my book, that makes you a fucking homo. You take that back. I ain't a homo. Sure you aren't, homo. You're going to jump off that building, and the coroner's going to list your cause of death as terminal homo-itis. People are going to be at your funeral saying, well, he died doing what he loved, being a homo.

Hey, fuck you, you fucking fuck. I'll kick your ass. Yeah, whatever, Nancy. Hey, when you die, do you want us to spread your ashes on your boyfriend's butthole so we can fart him out at the pride parade? I swear to fucking God, you better shut your mouth before I put my foot in it. All right, fine. You're not a homo. You're a Yankee fan.

Oh, I guess that's the same thing, though, isn't it, homo? That's it. I'm coming down, man. I'm bringing my fucking brass knuckles. I'll be here waiting. Don though, isn't it, homo? That's it. I'm coming down, man. I'm bringing my fucking brass knuckles. I'll be here waiting. Don't forget your tampons, you sissy bitch. I can't believe it. You did it. Marky, you're a hero.

God damn right I am. Alright, order me two shots of Jameson. I gotta go punch some respect for the sanctity of life into this fucking cake eater. Hey, let's fucking go. Bring it, kid. Hey, what's up, everybody? My name is Ramsey Badawi, and I'm the host of a brand new show here at the Bad Audio Network called Who Cares? It's a show about politics,

current events, topical things, all through the lens of a Palestinian ex-Republican political nihilist. It's a lot of fun. Join me and my overly optimistic Nigerian sidekick, Opie, here every Sunday. This week we talk about Election Tuesday, the exit polls, protests all across the country, and Mike Pence's theory that you can electrocute the gay out of people. Plus an exclusive interview with Gorman City pollsters slash presidential candidates Fred McCoy and

Keeser Hemans. Please give us a try. I'm tired of feigning this much enthusiasm. Thanks!