Mean Boys - BONUS #6 - Roast Battle: Mean Boys Civil War

Episode Date: June 1, 2017

Support the show on Patreon: www.patreon.com/meanboys For this bonus episode the boys play the audio of their Roast Battle at The Comedy Store then share the joke b-sides that didn’t make the cut. Listen to Verbal Violence: https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/verbal-violence-podcast/id1190138633?mt=2 Come see The Mean Boys Podcast live at Harvelle's in Long Beach June 6th at 8:30pm, use promo code "MEAN" at checkout: http://longbeach.harvelles.com/event.cfm?cart&id=262287 You can now leave us a voicemail at [phone] Watch the video clip for “Now Is Not The Time”: youtu.be/nQZ4DN08eQg We are proudly sponsored by Don Carlo's Taco Shop in La Jolla California (http://eataburrito.com) Send us an email at [e-mail] Follow the show on Twitter: twitter.com/meanboyspodcast Follow Keith on Twitter: twitter.com/keithtellsjokes Follow Connor on Twitter: twitter.com/connormcspadden Visit us on the web: www.meanboyspodcast.com Like us on Facebook: www.facebook.com/meanboyspodcast Follow us on Soundcloud: http://soundcloud.com/meanboyspodcast Theme: I’ve Seen Footage by Death Grips (itunes.apple.com/us/album/the-mon…tore/id515449028) Buy Keith’s album (itunes.apple.com/us/album/forever-nap/id1105182043) Podcast logo by Luis Galvez: twitter.com/luiagal Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey everybody, welcome to the Mean Boys Podcast. Some men just want to watch the world burn, we just want to make you s'mores over the flames. I'm Connor McSpadden. I'm Keith Carey. And this is a very special Mean Boys bonus episode. We almost nailed that. Yeah, we did.

You know, we only rehearsed it 15 times. Welcome, everybody. We got something a little bit different for you guys. Me and Keith Carey just roast battled at the comedy store at the roast battle on Tuesday nights. Indeed we did. By the way, thank you to all the Mean Boys fans who actually came out to that show. All for you.

Yeah. Beautiful. There were several. Yeah. And as we like to point out at our live shows, nobody came with a friend. All lone gunmen in the audience. We attract loners and scourge. They definitely look like they know each other.

There's a lot of denim jackets with patches on them and shit. Yeah, they get along great. They just sort of shuffle near each other. Oh, yeah. You like Dion? Carnock be praised he's pretty cool okay bye oh girl or like oh that was a good uh 30 seconds of a social interaction for the year yeah oh i can't breathe back to tweeting us threats about coming on pictures

of people that used to be on the show idle threats i stand by we're waiting for these come pictures we are uh we are continuing our. Please come on a picture of Ramsey Bedawi and tweet it to the Mean Boys, and I'll send you something. Bust that fat nut. But anyway. We're gross battles. Yes. But we digress.

By the way, before we did this, we were like, we're going to keep it snappy, get right to the battle. And immediately we've gone on a hot come riff and mocked the people we made this for. Yeah. Yeah. I love you guys. Thank you very much for listening and for telling a friend and all that shit. You mean the world to me.

Now we have some gourmet cruelty for you guys yeah this is uh this is genuinely the most fun thing i think we've ever done doing count oh yeah this might be the most fun i've ever had on stage uh we're presenting to you the full audio unabridged uh we want to thank guests tony hinchcliffe mike lawrence uh jeff ross and chris red for judging we appreciate you guys brian moses as well. Brian Moses as well. The Saudi Prince was there. Coach T in the back on the sound drops and the music cues, always crushing it. This was a ton of fun.

If you enjoyed it, please, for more roast battle, check out the Verbal Violence podcast on iTunes. And come to the show Tuesday nights at the Comedy Store if you haven't already. It's great every single week. And if you're in the Southern California area and you haven't seen it, you really owe yourself to go see a live entertainment phenomenon. It is. There's no other show like it. It's our favorite thing. And we had so much fun doing it with each other.

So we wanted to share it with you guys. Including this podcast. Just about every cool thing I've gotten to do in my life is because of the show Roast Battle in some form or another. 100% agree. And this was my favorite Roast Battle against my favorite person. And stick around because after this, we are going to be reading some B-sides, some jokes that did not make the cut. These are always more fun to me because they're either real specific or like something I really like. They're either really bad or really good and weird.

Yeah. Spoiler alert. Mostly the latter for me. But that's it, guys. Enjoy the battle. These two that are battling are best friends they have a podcast together they've made out multiple times on this stage on billboards around the fucking country the first guy i'm bringing to the stage is the funniest guy from clovis california

make a lap for conor mcspad i'm running out of the california town Big Leprechaun of Expat. I'm running out of California town. Thank you, Moses. Thank you, everybody. That's the funniest guy from Eureka, California. You look good. Thank you, man.

Oh, yeah. These are battles. This is a battle. You're battling your best friend again. Yeah, yeah. You guys came in battling each other. We did. Yeah, that was my fourth flight. It was, I think, Keith's second or third flight. That long hair looks good on you. again. Yeah, yeah. You guys came in battling each other. We did, yeah. That was my fourth flight.

It was, I think, Keith's second or third fight. That long hair looks good on you. Oh, thanks, buddy. Yeah, all right. So we're doing this again. So now we're bringing up this guy. He just battled last week. Lost to the champion of the world in Rose Battle, Eli Sayers.

Please make a laugh for Keith Carey. If you're going to fight, bring it with me. Oh, fuck yeah. That worked out well. A lot of Mean Boys fans in here. Mean Boys fans? It's like three people. Yeah, we got four people and none of them brought a friend. That's how you can tell they're our fans.

And they all look like you too By the way, I love that my credit now is he failed last week Well, if you didn't lose last week, I wouldn't have said that Touche Shut up Hey, Keith has gone through a lot of shit, not in life and also in this show And I'm just honored that he's willing to come up here even in spite of all those stares See that? Clean jokes.

Hope you guys like fat jokes. It's going to be a fucking lot of them. It's three rounds strong. It's three jokes per round. Saudi Prince, who do you like in this one? This is not the same battle from last week. I swear to God, you look like... Well, maybe I'm crazy.

All white people look the same. The vertical stripes are really working for you, my friend. This looks like it's going to be a great battle. Let's see what they got. I look great. Shut up. Go ahead, Byron. Who do you like in this one?

I mean, this really does look like Bert and Ernie's first date. I mean, these are two of the fucking best. Like, just as a fan of this show, I'm so excited to see this. Thoroughly excited about this. You too, yeah. It's like you guys are purging each other. Like, you guys have to cleanse each other by just, like, brutally ripping each other apart. Yeah, exactly.

Have you guys ever battled each other? Yeah, a couple years ago. A couple years ago? Yeah. All right. Well, this is like a rematch. Oh, yeah. Round one, tit for tat. We know the rules. Who wants to go first in this first round? I'll go ago. Yeah. All right. Well, this is like a rematch. Oh, yeah. Round one. Tip for tat.

We know the rules. Who wants to go first in this first round? I'll go first. Oh. Oh, Jeff. Who's going first? Oh. Round one.

Keith battled last week. He did. So I think Connor should go first. All right. Mean boys. Connor. Keith. Are we ready?

We fucking should be. Let's roll! Keith once walked in on his mom fucking two guys, which is not as traumatizing as when I walked in on Keith eating five guys. Cut! Connor and I have been friends for half a decade. That's five years. Let me put that in perspective for you. If our friendship was a baby and that baby was Connor, our friendship would have already been brutally molested.

It's true. Brutally. I was molested. One guy touched my dick one time and I got a personality out of it. Thousands of guys have touched Keith's dick and all he got was dark circles under his dead eyes. You got molested, you bitch. You can't drop the mic on your second joke, you arrogant faggot.

Just did, you bitch! Speaking of attitudes and dicks, Connor is a smug bitch, but what a lot of people don't know is he's on so much Zoloft his cock doesn't work anymore. Here's my question. How is somebody so stuck up always stuck down? It's true. I'm very depressed, but I'll never

be as depressed as Keith's spot on the couch. Oh yeah, I'll do it. You know, Keith tried to hang himself as a teenager, and he's been taking his anger out on belts ever since. It's true, I tried to kill myself, but of course me and this hacker friends, because he can't resist a low-hanging fruit. Look,

Connor's wrecked three cars since we've been friends. How are you such a bad driver when you look like you still sleep in a race car bed? Ladies and gentlemen, that is a textbook roast battle first round. One more time. The Mean Boys. Available on iTunes, everybody. This is like one big promo for your fucking podcast, YouTube.

Well, yeah, we have a good podcast. Why don't you try that? Rebel Violence, everybody. Check it out. Give it up. Give it up for both of these guys. Yes. Keith, what inspires you to battle a week later?

Number one, bad timing on the schedule. No, Connor's my best friend. I ask you to do a stressful, this is just fucking fun. It shows. It shows. It really shows. Connor, when's the last time you battled? I fought Rich Slayton a couple months ago.

I don't remember exactly when. See, I can feel the rest in you right now. You're coming out a little bit different. Well, Keith does live in my house, so there's not that much rest. There's a lot of sleep apnea going on. So you guys are roommates? Yeah, Keith is my roommate, also my couch. Very convenient.

Whoa. Why do I imagine you live in Pee Wee's Playhouse? Because we do Why do you think that chair is so depressed? Keith's sitting on it and he can't talk Y'all motherfuckers are amazing Both of y'all look like the two type of white people My parents told me to ignore

I'm glad you didn't listen to him But y'all are fucking amazing. Y'all make me feel like I don't understand friendship. Yo. Right? Wow. That's deep. That was deep.

That was deep, Chris. Deep. Thank you for that. But you know what? That's the beauty of Roast Battle. These guys are such good friends that they're roommates and they come out here and they fucking

call each other names. It's amazing. By the way, not only, you know what? Not just the best battle of the night, you're the best two performances of the night. I thought that was fantastic. Easily. Easily. Alright. I mean, Connor, like, the amount of angles you had on someone shaped like a circle.

You used every part of the buffalo you're insulting. The buffalo wild wings I'm insulting. Just in his defense it's like Connor's good enough to make a joke about a lot of different things and he landed on a fat joke because he liked his fat jokes the best so I get stuck with that sometimes I thought it was great that you hit your buddy

on this one thing that you know that's what was amazing the first joke was you got molested, and then, oh, by the way, you're also fat. But, yeah. Y'all are just mean, and I like that shit. But the thing that I love the most about this, I know there's more, and I'm excited for it,

but what I love about it so far is, it feels like you're writing jokes that the other person wants to hear. And that there's just, that's where you can see the friendship and the cleverness. And this is just, yeah, this is fucking great. This is great. Yeah.

Saudi Prince. You know, like they said, man, this is shaping up to be the best battle of the night. Second only to the buttons on Keith's shirt. Really struggling. I know they just got 80s music in Saudi Arabia. I didn't know they also just got that 12-year-old joke. Speaking of timely references, this stage looks like Britney Spears

during different stages of her success. Wait a minute. I mean, Keith, you also wear ill-fitting shirts. Do you buy from Big and Suppressed? Like, fucking Christ.

Alright, round two. I have two more fucking rounds of these jokes. Let them do, you know. Yeah. Round two's a little bit different. They both get to spit as many jokes as possible

in the allotted time of 30 seconds. Since there's no winner in round one, since we didn't declare one, who do you want to see go in round two, Jeff? Who should go first?

I mean, should we declare a winner for round one? Yeah, Connor. Thanks. Mike says Connor. Who do you say, Chris? I agree with Mike. I think Connor won.

I think Connor took that one. But it was close. All right, so it's clean and sweet. I guess it wasn't as close as we all thought. Sorry, Keith. Okay, you ready? Yeah, I'm ready. Let's roast!

Keith looks like he got stung by a swarm of apple bees. Guys, holy fucking shit. Bacon soda. I got bacon soda. Keith doesn't actually have a twitch. His face just gets a notification every time someone wishes Earl was on the show instead of him. It's a cult business.

Keith was actually supposed to be on the first plane to hit the towers on 9-11. And I love you, buddy, but I wish you would have made it on the flight because there's no way they would have had enough fuel to get to New York. Connor's just jealous that I was supposed to be on that 9-11 flight because I came closer than he ever will to making an impact on a comedy community. Connor! Connor, I've gotten you jobs at MTV and Comedy Central.

If you really want me to lose weight, let go of my fucking coattails. Connor once jerked off in the same room that my girlfriend was sleeping in. I don't know what's sadder, that you did something so creepy, or that you didn't even have the self-confidence to just rape her. There's a rape. Oh, man. Bad, oh. Bad, oh.

Bad, oh. Bad, oh. Pero. Pero. Pero. Pero. Oh. Wow. That was mean. Fuck. Woo. I'm kidding.

Prince, how do you feel? I think any time someone brings up 9-11, it's hilarious. So that was. I commend the two of you for bringing timely humor to the show. Thank you. This battle is so close, man. It's like watching a community college reenactment of the movie Twins with Danny Davidish and Arnold just wants to say the word nigger. It's true.

You're right. It is like that. It's just like that. Jeff's looking. I don't like he said that shit, nigga. I can see you outside. Can I say it, though? Nah. And I like doing the battle.

And I thought she was really good. But also, nah. I have news for you. I live with him. He says it. Hey. I have audio for you. I live with him. He says it. Hey. I have audio recordings of him saying it. Ridiculous.

And, like, hard R. Like, a bunch of R's. Hey, doc. Hey, you're not saying nothing new on Black in America. All white people say it to me. Yeah. Wait, what? Chris, I just hung out with you in Salt Lake City.

I feel betrayed. You know what I'm saying? Wait, what? Chris, I just hung out with you in Salt Lake City. I feel betrayed. That was fucking crazy. I'm not. I'm just looking for the black people in the crowd. I'm just like, oh, there's like eight of us? Okay, good. Wait, Moses, did he say he has audio recordings of him saying the N-word? I've heard of blackmail before, but Jesus fucking Christ.

That was amazing. I like it. Go ahead, Mike. I mean, what was amazing was in the first round, you could see Keith's face like playfully twitching. But in the second round,

it's like no one puts Tubby in a corner. And it was like, it was like a beautiful mind watching the rape jokes form, like physically seeing them. That was, I've seen Keith. Connor, you were great again, but Keith, that was one of the best rounds I've ever seen you do,

so I've seen you do a lot. You were just consistent. Not just consistent with your jokes, but you owned the room. You orchestrated the crowd. And you silenced them when you wanted to go. So great timing, great performance, too. Yeah, it was great. Can I also say before Chris weighs in that the only N-word that Keith doesn't say is nutrition.

All right. Proceed. Yo. I like that Connor was like writing that joke the whole time. Yeah, he was. The whole time. He was standing there waiting on it. I was like nutrients, nanas, bananas, fuck.

Nutrition. Hey, man. I like the way both y'all like love and hate each other at the same time. You know, but Keith, that was flawless, nigga. It was like watching you eat anything. You know, it was like dogs, like, you don't even think about it. No, that shit was crazy. I give that to Keith.

Hands down. I mean, Conor also had a great fucking, I mean, he opened by saying he's attacked by a son of an Applebee's. No, no, no. That was amazing. Yeah, it was a bomb. I hate this. We're creating a narrative, Brian. I mean, he opened by saying he's attacked by some of the Applebees. No, no, no. That was amazing. Yeah, it's a bomb. I hate this. We're creating a narrative, Brian. All right?

Sorry. That was great as fuck. Sorry. Have you ever seen a round in a Rocky movie where they both get punches in? It's either one guy or the other. Yes. So that's the narrative. By the way, even though I gave that round to Keith, I do need to acknowledge that Applebee's joke was.

Yes. That was great madness. I'm just saying to Keith, I do need to acknowledge that Applebee's joke was... Yes. That was great madness. I'm just saying, Connor also had a great round. Of course you're going to win. I'm just saying it was a great round in spite of how great his round was as well. I'm excited about seeing a third round. I'm going to go home. I love that a black guy is talking about how a white guy has just been oppressed by a voting system. To be fair, Keith gets fucked over by judges a lot, both in roast battle and when they gave his mom custody.

See how much better Keith was? Oh, man. Nobody understands how mean that joke was. Go ahead. Yeah, of course. Yeah, Keith, yeah. Yeah, yeah, of course. Yeah, Keith, I can't believe a fat guy in a superhero T-shirt is rooting for you.

Go ahead. We're both trying to get into the all-woman screening of Wonder Woman. Well, I'm very much looking forward to this third round right here. I love this so much. We all love this so much. These are the mean boys.

All right. They're invading. All right, we're tied up. Jeff, who do you want to see go first in this last round? I feel like who's been going first? Connor went first. I went first. It's twice, right?

Yeah, yeah. It's his turn now. Keith, you ready? Yeah. Are we ready? Yeah! Let's move! Connor's ex had a miscarriage, proving that just because he has a baby face doesn't mean

he can have a baby with a face. Funny you should say that. Keith's mom smoked while she was pregnant, and I still don't know if it was meth or baby back ribs. And now her baby's fat, baby's fed, baby's fed. Maybe you just don't have a kid. She's a bad mom. You guys, if we've learned anything tonight,

it's that my life is way more interesting than Connor's. Like, if I have demons, he has Keebler elves. Ah, fuck. Well, yeah. Dude, if I have demons, he has keyboard elves. Ah, fuck. Well, yeah. Dude, I feel like you just lost it there. You haven't been fucked over by a wave that badly since you got beached. And Keith, the roast battle community is worried

about your health. If you don't start taking care of yourself, you're going to be the only person that needs pallbearers for his urn. is earned. Alright. Alright, simmer down everybody. Here's the thing. Connor gives me a lot of shit for being bisexual and he looks like every dude that's ever called me faggot.

But he acts like every dude that's ever called me faggot. But he acts like every dude that's ever called me daddy. Sorry, Jessica. All right, this is the last joke, right? Keith got blown at a Craigslist glory hole, which is weird because usually when he busts through a wall, it's because someone's making Kool-Aid. He literally went from, oh yeah, to, oh, positive blood transfusions for the rest of his short life. Yeah!

The Mean Boys! Conor McBed. Keith Carey. Soddy Prince. For the Fire Squad. You know, the more I look at this stage, the more it doesn't look like a battle. It looks more like two lesbians and Silverleg

trying to adopt an inner-city youth. Finally. J-Light, can we take you home? I'm still on the outside looking in. This was amazing, my friend. I want to give it to Tracy Lords, but instead I'm going to give it to the Lord of the Flies. You can't even eat pork, Cena.

What are you... I mean, Saudi friend. Don't read that book. Okay. I love you. Again, why we don't let women talk in my country. Just moving my country. Hey, well, it's a good thing that we still let him drive because Keith needs a ride home later and my tire pressure is low.

Apparently, that's an innuendo for you. Fire Squad, who do you like? Okay, so honestly, you had two hacky act-outs in that, Connor, that fucking Chili's song. And then the cool... What? I can't believe this guy hates fun.

Ha! Guardians of the Galaxy 2 was a little formulaic for me guys that's good no nigga I saw him almost fall off the stage into a wall. I mean, the problem with Guardians of the Galaxy 2...

Shut up right now. Ego's father became a bad guy too quickly, and it didn't have an emotional center. But anyways... It's not Mike's fault. Thank you, inner me. It's not Mike's fault he didn't have an emotional center. But anyways. It's not Mike's fault. Thank you, inner me. It's not Mike's fault he didn't like Ego. He doesn't know what a dad that loves you looks like.

I didn't think this show could dry pussy more, but fuck. No, I think Keith pulled that out just a little bit more. Keith, man, I love you and your stomach, man. I like y'all as a team. Dog, the meanest kid in kindergarten. Dog, you told this man his ashes are heavy.

Nigga, that's hilarious. Nigga, that's hilarious. Probably still not as heavy as yours, but they're pretty heavy. Bro, I'll give it to Connor, man. Thanks, man. Oh, shit. Oh, first of all,

amazing effort on both of your behalves, Connor and Keith. Fucking, you know, you make it look easy. You make it look easy, but people who don't really know how the show works, they did three rounds each. They had to think about each other fucking day and night all week,

and it comes down to this. I do that anyway. Yeah, same. We're both wearing lockets with pictures of each other. I fucking hate y'all so much. Fair. But here's the thing, Connor, you had the two best jokes tonight, the Applebee's joke and then the one about the heavy urn, the fat urn, the ball bears.

But you took extreme risks, and I'll remember the home runs more than the other jokes, but I got to go with an overall performance tonight in consistency, and I actually think Keith sort of owned that tonight, that part of it. So I'm going to go with Keith. Thank you. Finally swings his way. Everybody, Keith Carey! Hug each other, you two.

Okay. All right, everybody, the Mean Boys are back. Hope you guys enjoyed that. That was an experience. Yeah, it really back. I hope you guys enjoyed that. That was an experience. It really was. It was a ton of fun. Swarm of Applebee's, you motherfucker. And now for my favorite part of all this.

We're going to read you some B-sides. So we'll just go tit for tat, and then whatever we got left, we'll just run them out. Yeah. So you want to go first? Sure. Keith just started a low-carb diet. I still don't have the heart to tell him that a guy giving him a pearl necklace isn't considered protein style i just it's a pun it's more clever than

it is funny but it's pretty fucking clever it's i like that a lot okay uh connor's a big dragon ball z fan and the amount of people who think he's a secret faggot is over 9 000 that's one of my favorite things ever written and i was like three people are going to get this reference yeah if we had like a 2009 fortune invitational roast battle that would have crushed yeah we were battling on this podcast yeah yeah and that Baymel was the only audience member

and he multiplied himself like Piccolo does sometimes hey am I right or am I wrong Keith peed on a woman during sex which sounds bad but in his defense he was fucking a toilet a lot of these I should have done Keith peed on a woman during sex, which sounds bad, but in his defense, he was fucking a toilet. A lot of these I should have done. That's really funny. Connor has a hard time cumming because he's on antidepressants. And his girlfriend has a hard time cumming because Connor's dick sucks.

Both true. Can't sue you for slander. Keith smokes a lot. Cigarettes, but also his thighs when he walks too fast. Connor looks like every kid who's ever complained while his parents were buying him a car. But they don't have red. We can't order red. I was just going to do this whole big run of bullshit in round two, but I decided against it.

There's a lot wrong with Keith. He has the complexion of the bottom of a popcorn bag. His teeth are just a wrapper grill made out of chili cheese fries. His balls look like popcorn shrimp, and his dick looks like one of his balls. That's so fucking funny. Connor's incredibly picky about food.

He'll only eat things that he ate as a child. So we're talking graham crackers, peanut butter, and the cum of somebody he thought he could trust. That's good. I almost did that one. That one's real good. If you hadn't set me up for the 9-11 thing, that was going to be in round two. Oh, nice. This is just a quick one.

If you said something real dirty, I should have used this. It's just, Jesus, Keith, do you kiss your mother's truck or come swallowing jizz hole with that mouth? That was like Edgelord Mad Libs. I know. It's just, it's dumb. It's not smart. No, I love it. Connor's a racist road hack who headlines shitty casinos, which might explain why he keeps calling Brian Moses Black Jack.

Keith's stepdad was a Nazi, but the only race Keith hates is 100 meter Connor and I recently spent the night in a haunted hotel which explained why he stayed up all night yelling about spooks you know Keith is funnier than me this was a comeback I might end up opening for you but then your stomach won't be the only feature that outshines the rest of you Connor's hero is Billinton which explains why he's always fucking ugly women and embarrassing his family that's a little harsh uh this one is straight up bad keith uses all the gay dating apps grinder hoagie hero meatball sub meatball dom

fat tinder fat tinder here's the problem with that joke I know the only person that would like it would be you yeah and I like it so much if I had a nickel for every person who told me they secretly think Connor is gay Connor is a faggot the classic Keith Carey start an interesting setup and then just say

blank is gay slur yeah the only reason I didn't do that is because i did basically the same thing to eli last week and i couldn't do it twice in a row yeah keith stepped as a nazi his real one isn't because who could produce keith and still think whites are the superior race pretty good yeah it's not coming connor looks like the mascot for capri sun's newest flavor piss doesn't make sense it's still funny it kind of does it's your face uh yeah i do have a piss, drinky face. Yeah.

Keith's full name is Keith Richards Carey, but he's got Mick Jagger's sexuality, Charlie Watts' fame, and Brian Jones' teeth. He's the dead one. That's, again, a joke that only I would enjoy. Well, yeah, I guess you're more of a Stones fan. I've seen Connor cry twice during our friendship.

Once was after the movie The Dark Knight Rises, and once was when he broke his hymen. Fucking stupid. Very funny. Keith's really unhealthy. He smokes an entire pack and a half of Kraft Singles every day. Connor once had sex with a Scientologist. He was so bad at fucking, she's going queer.

That's funny. I forgot I did that. Oh my God, it's a conspiracy. What's funny is I did a joke about that same lady last time, but for a different thing. Oh, that's right, that's right, that's right. Yeah, I've only done four things in my life,

so you gotta get a lot of mileage out of them. I've heard Keith fuck many times, and it just sounds like a crying woman jumping on a trampoline made of butter. That's just accurate. Sploink. This is the dumbest thing I've ever written. Connor has a big Mexican fan base because all of his jokes are fucking stupid.

That's not something you wrote. That's something that you put a Connor sticker over. Yeah, pretty much. You could go listen to Count Temecula from one of our older episodes. Keith loves ska music, but he doesn't go to shows because he rips his pants when he tries to pick it up, pick it up. I like it. Again, a joke only for you. Let's see.

There's another good one. Oh, Connor is obsessed with Richard Nixon, and his Zoloft gives him a tricky dick. I really like the side effects of that Zoloft, man. It's a fun angle. It's super fun. Saying someone's dick doesn't work isn't normally very funny to me but like because you actually told me stories of struggling with it yeah it was really fun to work with hey man you know what it turns out i just got to eat more

solid non-gram cracker peanut butter trusted person come i don't know why my stomach is more settled yeah his dick works now but i can fuck all right who says i can't? Fuck you. I'm not defensive. Jessica starts yelling for the other room. Quiet, you. The first time I hung out with Keith, I drove him to the hospital and then to the zoo so he could use their MRI machine. You love that joke. I do. It's a whole joke. Normally

Connor leans on the speaker and you didn't do it, which kind of bummed me out. Oh, I knew because I thought you'd be planning for it. When Connor leans on the speaker he looks like the Statue of Liberty going through a dyke phase. That's super funny. Heath loves punk rock, but his stomach has never seen a green day. You don't like salad. That's the joke there.

Connor has a scar on his penis from being scratched by a cat. You're such a soft bitch, the toughest thing about you is that one time a pussy hurt your dick. Dude, that's another thing I forgot happened to me. Yeah, I remember a lot of stuff about you. Yeah, rest in peace, Hobbs the cat. It was a female cat named after a male cartoon character because I was five. Progressive. The worst part about Keith losing the belt last week is now I have to choke him while he jerks off.

Not even a joke really about Keith. I love that. That's just a fun thing to say. Yeah, I had another one like that that wasn't really a burn on you, but it was just funny. Connor used to steal Vicodin from his ex-girlfriend, whereas I got mine the old-fashioned way, by stealing it from Connor. That's funny. Do you have any more? I do, yeah.

Do you want me to just run mine out? Well, I have more, too. Okay. I do the road with Keith. It's amazing that your mom's a prostitute, but I've seen you leave more gross residue in motel rooms. Me and Connor do a lot of road shows. We're both very different comics. I'm more of a smart, edgy, observational comedian, whereas Connor has

a car. That's good. Almost used it, but I decided on race car bed instead. Keith's mom has had exactly ten abortions, which is good because Keith definitely needs those stem cells. Connor always wears the same three shirts. You'd think he'd have a better wardrobe since he

spent so much time in the closet. Walk it, walk it. Keith's been through two exorcisms. They didn't work. His mom still sucks cocks in hell. That's incredible. Thanks. I wish you would've done that. There's a lot of these I wish you would have done.

That's a really good one. Connor's very successful. He has an agent, a manager, and after this battle, a postmate shift to get back to. You don't do shifts. You turn the app on and off. Keith has dark circles under his eyes, not from sleep deprivation. His face is just fat from eating a lot of Oreos. They say you are what you eat.

That's why Connor is a giant dick. That's all I got. I got a few more. Connor can name every vice president from memory, and our current vice president can name the exact amount of electricity it would take to fix Connor. Connor was incorrectly outed as bisexual on national television. Let me set the record straight. We don't want him either.

In the gay community, we call Connor a twink, and in the comedy community, we call him that sad boy that's always hanging around with Keith. They do call me that. Connor was once cornered and called faggot by a group of clowns at a haunted house. He would have told them to stop, but his mouth was full. Bad things have happened to me. Not really. That was just funny. You ever have something kind of bad and upsetting happen to you, but even in the moment, you're

like, this is too funny to be upset about? Yes. That's your whole life. Yeah. Yeah. Very recently. The Keebler elf thing, I thought was hilarious, but underrated. It didn't play that well, but it was my favorite one I wrote, because I just thought it was

such a clever, fun little thing. But yeah, whatever. It was fine. And then the last one, which is when you do that fucking shitty laugh you do sometimes when something doesn't work. Yeah. I was like, you giggle like a robot who just learned how to be human, is fine but yeah that's uh that's all that's them that's pretty much it guys uh thanks for listening yeah thank you guys that was so much fun yeah it's fun i always love going

over the ones we didn't do with god hell is so good oh thank you very much uh i'd like to just remind you if you haven't already please take a second to review us on itunes it only takes a little while and uh helps us out a lot we just got this review. The title of the review is Tight, spelled T-I-T-E. And then it says in little stars around it, little asterisks around it, screams into the infinite void, five stars. Which is the most Mean Boys review ever. Sounds like a negative review, five stars. Gazed into the abyss, and the abyss was like, yeah, it's pretty good.

Also, we have a Mean Boys live show coming up June 6th. 8.30 p.m. at Harvell's in Long Beach. You can grab tickets at the link in our bio using the promo code MEAN. Who we got on that show, Keith? We got Jamar Neighbors from Comedy Central's Roast Battle. Say what? Kianu. What?

We've got Anna Valenzuela, also from Comedy Central's Roast Battle. Wireless. Wireless. Brian Redband from Notable creep. Owner of Podcast Network that politely turned down me. You'll rue the day, Redband. And then we have George Perez, Mexican of note. Yep.

Every day I spend with you feels like the first time. So beautiful. I love you, buddy. I love you, too. I think that's the show for this week. Yeah. Fuck everything. God is dead.

God is dead. Hey everybody, welcome to the Mean Boys Podcast. Some men just want to watch the world burn, but... Alright, let me do it again. Hey everybody, welcome to the Mean Boys Podcast. Some men just want to watch the world burn, but we're here to make you s'mores over the flames. Nah, I wanted to do that one more time do you like that quote though yes okay hey everybody welcome to the mean boys podcast some men just want to watch the world burn but these we're leaving all of these hits this will be after the credits