Mean Boys - EP 1 - Introducing The Mean Boys

Episode Date: December 27, 2015

Support the show on Patreon: www.patreon.com/meanboys In this inaugural episode, the boys introduce themselves. Segments include "Mexican Joke-Off", "Which of the Following", "Fuck Marry Kill", "Get Off Joe's Lawn", "Gay Agenda Update", and "The Airing of Grievances". This week's sponsors are Dr. Motaro's Baby Coffins and Krazy Karl's Auto Shack. Email the show at [e-mail] and follow us on Twitter @meanboyspodcast Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

All right, everybody, welcome to the Mean Boys podcast. Oh, hi. The inaugural episode. We are your hosts. My name is Conor McSpadden. With me, Joe Dosh. I thought I was going to say my own name. You'll say shit.

Yeah. Sorry. I don't know. That is a little cutesy. And with me, pause, I'm Joe Dosh. Yeah. Well, starting a podcast is kind of like starting a threesome. It's a little awkward without alcohol.

Oh, yeah. Someone's got to make the first move. Yeah, yeah. You're just going to be like a silly goose silly goose yeah one someone's just gonna be on the sidelines for a good minute while things get warmed up it's like the food table at a party everyone wants the chips no one wants to be the the first person eating chips yeah i was i was kind of close to having a three-way one time and uh they're going to the bathroom and we're just doing it because we thought it'd be funny long story story short, I fucked a dude. That would be a better story.

But I'll never forget what my friend said to me. She goes to the bathroom, and we're looking at each other like, so what's our game plan? And he's like, all right, I think she's into you more, so you start making out with her. And then he, like, wiggles his fingers, and he's like, and I'll start fiddling. Oh, no. I was like, I'm out. I'm out of this. If I were a rich man. Really?

You didn't want to tag fuck that chick with a Batman villain? It didn't seem like something you wanted to do? I was like, all right, get back on your roof, fiddler. We had an eventful week. We got to roast Dave Chappelle. You sure did. I'm Keith Carey, by the way. I guess I don't need to be introduced.

People heard your fucking sleep apnea, and they knew who it was. I have a wakey, by the way. I guess I don't need to be introduced. Oh, well, you know. People heard your fucking sleep apnea and they knew who it was. I have a wake apnea. I do. I picked him up from downtown today. You breathe very loudly, Keith. I'm sorry. It needs a lot of air to power this fucking parade float of body. There's not a ton in Los Angeles.

Your face has like one of those mufflers that douchebags put on their car to make it real loud. Yeah, I went on a road trip with Keith recently, and he fell asleep next to me. I was talking to him, and then four seconds later, he was asleep, and it sounded like you put a fucking rack of lamb in a garbage disposal. God, your throat is just slowly murdering you in the night. A lot of things are. My girlfriend will regularly wake me up in the middle of the night just because she's like, oh, I thought you were dead. And I was just like, not this time, honey. No, I slept in a hotel room with Keith and his girlfriend,

and holy Christ. And that was a three-way. Like I have the fucking length to penetrate either of you. I couldn't get to Keith's asshole if you had a gun to my head. I have no ass. All my fat is up top. I have a very small ass. Don't lie. There's a Peruvian minor in there.

I mean, your dick, I'm assuming, is just a train wreck. It's really not. No, it's not a great dick. Nah, I don't imagine. It's a good thing of a bottom. I'm not laying pipe into anybody. Just kidding. There's no reason not to be honest on the Mean Boys podcast.

Yeah, Joe's a bottom. We knew this. That's true. Okay, well, I think it's time for our first segment. Now that we've caught up on our personal lives, I think we're going to get into the Mexican joke-off. Ay, so tópico. I think we're going to get into the Mexican joke off. Was that intro made with the freesoundproject.org first Mexican guitar intro plus me on my iPhone doing a Mexican accent?

Absolutely it was. Oh my God. What were your parents doing in the house while you were in their basement making that sound? Regretting making Connor. I think he's fucking in the shower trying to forget that I live there. Third time's the charm.

Don't put another that one in me. No, my dad got a vasectomy around the time I was 13 and started acting weird. They're like, yeah, we need to roll the dice on this again. I already got one kid that wears fucking leopard pants and listens to Weird Al in his room. I need to cut my tubes and losses.

Jesus. That makes so much sense that you were a Weird Al kid. Yeah, all right. Well, let's get into the Mexican joke off. Who wants to start us off? I'll start us off. Here we go. The United States Postal Service has restored

mail exchange between the United States and Cuba. In equally relevant news, the U.S. has resumed cotton gin sales to the Kingdom of Prussia. Alright, I'll go next. Dozens of propane tanks have been stolen from several locations in Kansas City, Missouri.

Authorities have responded by saying, whoa. Oh, God. It's the best noise to make. All right, I got one. Peg, we've been victims of propane thievery. They left when I got that insurance policy. Dad, how am I supposed to power my grill? I gotta make dinner for Connie tomorrow.

This is now just a King of the Hill fan fiction podcast. References, y'all. That's so much of a better idea than we have. Yeah, all right. Queens of the Hill? God damn it. I'm fucking leaving. That's perfect. That's a spinoff. Queens of the Hill? God damn it. I'm fucking leaving. That's perfect. That's a spinoff.

That's the spinoff. That's the Jeffersons of Mean Boys. Fucking go. Go ahead and bomb. Try to follow that shit, Kerry. You better remember

what I'm going to say. Oh, god damn it. All right. A Florida man was arrested for driving 110 miles per hour while drunk and completely nude. The driver was charged with several felonies and is currently serving a four-year sentence as governor of Florida. I liked it.

But you did have to say it in that consolatory tone. You guys laughed and then tried to backpedal. That was fine. Fuck you, you idiots. That's good. Didn't we just love each other? No. Eight.

Good point. Pain. Eight. Good point. Pain. Joe. All right. An English fireman recently tweeted a photo of a fake Santa Claus smeared under the wheels of his fire truck with the words, sorry, kid, he isn't coming this year. In an equally hilarious prank, the fireman then gathered the kid's presents into a pile and said, don't worry, I'm only burning my half.

Oh, boy. You got the toilet, Joe. I don't know what to tell you. That was a little wordy. I'm only burning my half. Oh, boy. You got the toilet, Joe. I don't know what to tell you. That was a little wordy. I'm not going to lie. I kind of wanted to laugh, but Connor didn't laugh, and I wanted to hold back so I could hear me made to feel bad by a computer. Yeah, you're a follower.

I am sheep. Yeah. Well, I don't know. Sheep are pretty trim. The National Institute of Health has banned medical testing on chimpanzees. No word yet on what Keith's mother will be doing for work now. For $250,000, you can purchase an authentic abandoned ghost town in the Midwest. The town has been uninhabited for many years and is known as Connor McSpadden's fan base, South Dakota.

Can't annual file. Fuck you up, you dumb butt. You are fucking totally cultivating an environment of silence so you can do your dumb stuff. You're cheating because you have a fucking thumb. That's not a complaint, mind you.

That is what's happening. Next week, we'll have Ramsey do the sound effects. An unbiased person who can play the bomb sounds. The power's going to my head because I'm really holding... I like some of these jokes. I'm holding back on them so I can play some shitty sound effects.

All right, all right. After months of having his packages stolen from the front of his home, a Las Vegas resident has started leaving boxes full of feces on his porch to deter theft. The burglars remarked, Well, I'm not subscribing to the Dollar Shave Club. Well, there goes our first potential sponsor, guys. Looks like we're going to be carried by Audible. Thanks, Worker.

They'll shit in your ears. Ah, jeez. I'm going to scrap this hotstamps.com riff for later. El Chapo has declared war on terror group ISIS. He plans to use the forces of his own militant ideological cartel, ISIS. Fucking boo.

Alright, let me give myself a shitty sound. Boo. You suck. Get off the stage. Get off the table. Well, that just kept going. There's 22 more seconds of it.

Don't you dare. A nice four and a half second long snappy soundbite. I'll just start it again. I'm going to have to. God damn it. All right. A new study came out reporting that 35% of women will experience at least one sleep orgasm in their lifetime. The study was conducted by Bro It's Not Rape If She Comes University.

I got into that school. I was going to go, but I did community college. I don't know if that school is accredited. No, Connor did get in. He graduated in Magna Cum on somebody who's not that into it. No, I graduated Magna Cum loudly. All right. No, I know. I tried to go away from the audience. Fuck you. Do your dumb

thing, Joe. I get so mad doing this. You really do. Because I'm easily the worst of the three of us at it, so I just compensate with rage. Yeah, yeah. I think everyone will like this. The U.S. Weather Service announced that there will be a full moon on Christmas Day.

The weatherman came to this conclusion after watching Keith Carey bend over to retrieve a dropped piece of almond bark. I dropped my snacks, guys. Doesn't almond bark seem a little healthy for me? No, not at all. It's all sugar. Also, I'm picturing you drop like an entire Tupperware tub. I mean, I just like to imagine

Keith like eating with his hands behind his back out of one of those decorative popcorn tins. He's trying to pick it up with his fucking little Tyrannosaurus. I'm not going to pretend I've never put my face in one of those popcorn tins. Don't talk about your girlfriend's vagina like that. She's a sweet woman. Ah, eat shit and die. Oh man, we're out of caramel.

I'm just going to eat the cheese now. You fucking... All right. Can we replace you? Ramsey, you're in. Ah, hang on. Whatever. A methane gas leak in Porter Ranch, California has displaced hundreds after months of exposure.

City engineers have yet to come up with a time frame for when Keith's mother will close her legs. I made that same joke last week. Oh, did you? Yes! Damn. You fucking ass. You totally mencied my joke. Whatever. Let it be known. Connor McSpan just pulled a Carlos Mencia for a shit product.

Monologue. Well, let me do another one because... Don't you dare cut that out. Let me guess what the punchline is. My mom's a cunt like hey i forgot all right i gotta shit you think i would try to steal your own joke on our own podcast no i don't think you tried i think you're a dope who can't remember when fucking brilliance comes in and mistaken as your own all right well fucking whatever uh just a fucking mexican resent off all right yeah this is the thing is like you you have to talk shit about the people that are your only audience

members. It's what makes this a really, really weird game. Outrage continues over Syrian immigrants entering the U.S. Conservatives claim they will come into this country and take American hijabs. All right. Pretty bad, too. I like Joe's joke that you did earlier better. I got to buzz myself.

All right. See, I'm unbiased. I gave myself a fucking bomb drop. A deadly tornado hammered Dallas, Texas this week. Officials are saying they haven't seen something blow through this many trailer parks since Joe Dosh left Wyoming. That was okay. Your meltdown sound.

This is why we need to periscope this. There's no way to explain how angry Keith is. Dude, well, because your whole fucking face reboots every time. A Republican Arizona senator attended a prayer service at a local mosque to show solidarity with his Muslim constituents. The senator was said to remark, Now tell me more about this clitoris removal I've heard about. Oh, my God. Point dodge.

I like Joe's monologues because it's like, what if Doonesbury was written by a supervillain? All right. Ex-Oklahoma City cop Daniel Holtzclaw has been found guilty of 18 counts, including rape, sexual battery, and having a name that sounds like a Harry Potter character. I liked it. We're getting along again. We're all bros.

The British Literary Review gave their annual Bad Sex in Fiction Award for 2015 to singer Morrissey for his debut novel, List of the Lost. Morrissey's fans are outraged, calling the decision stupid. That really appeals to my... That was a joke I wrote. I'm like, I can't wait for Cotter to laugh at that and Joe to really not like it. Do you get it? Oh, no, I get it. Oh, okay.

You look actively angry. So you just don't have a heart. No, this is very good if you live in relevance-adjacent California. I'll give you that, boys, which is where you're both from. All right, you fucking South Dakota apologist. Where are you from? South Dakota? Yeah.

Oh, no wonder that other joke didn't mix. Well, it wasn't good anyway. No, and I actually knew the area you were talking about. Oh. Yeah. Connor's fan base, South Dakota? Yeah. Oh, no wonder that other joke didn't mix. Well, it wasn't good anyway. No, and I actually knew the area you were talking about. Oh. Yeah. Connor's fan base, South Dakota. I'm not the one where I literally said you were from Wyoming. I wish I had a fucking South Dakota constituency.

It's not even the best Dakota. It's fucking eight girls with fake eyebrows and a couple old creeps that want to fuck me. That's my fan base. Do you know how many just chubby, just buttermilk-looking girls wearing, like, you know, hoodies from colleges they didn't attend you could fuck if you started in South Dakota? Oh, jeez. Oh, you'd be the king. It was paradise. Mm-hmm.

But I dream. Anyway. Somewhere. Speaking of the Midwest, two Minnesota teens were killed in a car wreck while participating in the town's annual Duluth Nerf Gun Wars. Authorities say they haven't seen a catastrophe this horrific since the Shakopee Beanie Baby Massacre.

Ah, jeez, the children are dead. Emergency Christian ministries have banned female homeless people from staying in their shelters after a rising sex problem among the guests.

No word yet on where Keith Mothers plans to stay now. I took a sip of tea during your joke because I knew I would have no danger of spitting it out. These are all from two... We took the last two weeks off due to personal issues, so these drugs are all a little stale.

Speaking of stale, a baby was born in the UK from the oldest ever sperm sample using frozen semen that was 23 years old. The parents said, quote, we're thrilled to bring our little bundle of for sure going to be retarded joy home. Keith, slam dunk transition. Swish. Yeah. Wow. Sometimes I'm funny, you fucking cunt.

Oh, my God. This is the most resentful monologue we've done. I'm having more fun than ever. I really am. Child Protective Services is investigating a Texas woman for hosting a chicken pox party to expose neighborhood children to the disease. The woman claims she got the idea from her grandmother's polio hoedowns. Going to get a disease making my legs not work. Daily, daily.

Oh, my God. The idea of you doing a stomping dance about polio is really funny to me. Oh, my God. Joe, I don't know. Do you get all your news from the almanac? All your old-timey, cunty fucking vernacular you throw into everything? You can't make an AIDS joke without calling it a box social? All right. A new study shows maternal exposure to SSRIs increases odds of autism by 83%.

A lobbyist for antidepressants disputed this claim by saying, yo, what if you bitches just got retarded pussies? You should have known that Connor takes SSRIs. Yeah. Wait, let me get... And it's a retarded pussy. Hence his fucking lack of disconnect i got booed for that one dude this is a bad week for me man we did two mulligan episodes before this and i was

crushing you're really keithing it up here you're being you're being bitch slapped by carna because how much fun did you have creating these booze sounds thinking you're gonna use them on keith and i yeah and now god is punishing well you guys you guys just want me to get a taste of my own medicine. I'm also scraping the bottom of the barrel because I have like four more about Keith's mother, but the last two didn't do too well, so I'll take it on. That's no reason to stop. Alright, here's one. A new law in Britain will allow the

military to hack into citizens' personal devices for surveillance purposes, and a leaked list of approved devices included a Barbie doll with Wi-Fi capability. The Barbie will be a crucial component of MI6's new mission, Operation Is Billy Thompson a Faggot? Let me find it appropriately. Can't handle five.

Oops. Thank you so much. That's the intro to a later segment. I haven't quite figured out how we're gonna I gotta get better at the sound drops Fox executives announced to an entertainment reporter That Leonardo DiCaprio was not raped by a bear In shooting the new film The Revenant

The entertainment reporter responded by saying I was just asking where the bathroom was I don't even get it I get it. It's just terrible. I need one like a huh for when I don't get them. The fucking Tim Allen?

No, I need Scooby-Doo. No, stupid. The joke is that the reporter went up and said where's the bathroom? And then they said, Leonardo DiCaprio was not raped by a bear. It was consensual. Okay, so they're defensive and dumb, like how I am.

You got it. You got it last week when I recorded it and wanted to do it again because I ran out of jokes. All right, well, okay. I'm going to... Oh, this will be my last one. A new report shows that the majority of shrimp sold in grocery stores around the world is peeled by slaves, which is ironic because it's eaten mostly by people whose ancestors used to be slaves. Jesus Christ.

I don't know if it's funny, but it's just clever. Hey, guys, it's not called Nice Boys. I don't know what you want from me. Shit, which one do I want to do? Yeah, I'll do this one. Disaster struck this week as a semi-truck was swallowed by a sudden sinkhole. The sinkhole was five feet deep, 20 feet wide, and a curve between the right and left leg of Connor McSpadden's mother.

You see, this works because it doesn't work with my... Just to clarify, we did nine jokes about my mom's stupid pussy, and that was fine. Well, they didn't work either. A bunch of them did. You got to eat a dick and a toilet flush because iTunes looped it back around. Well, my mother's a nice, upstanding woman, and your mother is gutter trash. Let's do one more run through. Everybody do the best one you have left.

Let's try and close strong. Okay. In a new trend, many millennial men are glitter bombing their beards, which is causing many baby boomer fathers to whiskey bomb their livers. That's real good. Yeah, that's really, really good. Oh, shit. Should I do a dumb one or Keith's mom?

Don't do a Keith's mom. Well, she is a dumb one. She's like a dumb three, at least. A Catholic priest has been busted for taking thousands of dollars out of his collection plate to pay a male sex master for devious acts including sadism and catechism. Dude, I told you, I'm fucking tapped. This is a really embarrassing week for me. Hillary Clinton pledged $2 billion to Alzheimer's research, saying there will be a cure by 2025.

At a press conference, she said, quote, the best scientific minds tell us we have a chance to cure this disease. Then adding, the best scientific minds tell us we have a chance to cure this disease. Should have ended on mine. Thank you, everybody. Yeah. Do you have another one, Joe? No, I...

God damn it. Hey, I'm all about quantity, not quality. I can't fucking defibrillate the corpse anymore. You should have seen me on the bus up here. Just like, wait till they get a load of these hot riffs. I wrote these two weeks ago while I had the flu. That's my... All right.

I think we're going to move into the game now. Are you guys ready to play Witch of the Following? Absolutely. Let's do it. What's the pun coming? That's just the Sesame Street song because I realized I stole the idea for the game from Sesame Street like I thought it was such an original idea

and I explained it to someone and they're like oh yeah like one of these things from Sesame Street and I'm like oh I'm a fucking idiot well to be fair neither of us picked up on it yeah I stole the alright well the premise of the game, it's called Witch of the Falling. I give you four things in a given subject. Three of them are real.

One of them I made up. So we're going to get started this round. This week we're playing blues musicians from the Wikipedia list of blues musicians. So, gentlemen, you guys are both playing against the house. If you guys get three points or more, you win. If not, I win. The prestigious mean boys bragging rights of who can be the biggest douche.

So let's get started. Question number one. Which of the following is not a real blues musician? A, Brownie McGee. B, Ramblin' Thomas. C, Little Hat Jones. Or D, Bad Courtney Kimbrough? I feel like Courtney Kimbrough is for sure

some girl Connor wanted to fuck but couldn't. No. I feel the same about Little Hat Jones. Just want to cum all over that town of hat. Yeah, there's a Courtney Kimbrough in fucking Chico who wouldn't take Lil Con Man to the sixth grade dance. Jeez, you guys are harsh. It's just because we dislike you as a

person. Hey man, I was trying to fuck Brownie McGee. Brownie McGee. Brownie McGee does sound like an old-timey racial slur. If Brownie McGee is the fake one, I'm not saying it is, and you guys are super fucking racist

for being like, yeah, that's an acceptable blues name. I mean, none of these are great. I mean, three of them are real. Where are you at? I'm thinking Ramblin' Thomas because it's just... Tom is just a bad name

for a black man any age. Yeah. Yeah. You can't... You dumb idiot. Uncle Tom's Cabin came out in like 1870. Dude, I like that porn movie Uncle Tom's Cabin. Please tell me that's real. No, I thought of the greatest porn title the other day, How to Drain Your Dragon.

Oh, fuck my ass. It's Jerk Hop Instructions. day, How to Drain Your Dragon. It's jerk-off instructions. Connor, we're in Van Nuys. Just yell these out the window, and then in two weeks they will be conjured into being. Can I just go vivid, and then I blow into a flashlight? Burn! Oh, dear Christ.

You fucking blow wads out of it like a fucking trumpet that hasn't been trained. Hurry up and lose my game, boys. I'm going to go with Little Hat Jones. I will concur with Little Hat Jones for the sake of moving this along. The fake blues singer is Bad Courtney Kimbrough.

Oh, is Courtney Kimbrough a real person? No, no. It's just two weird black names. I think those are left over from the Globetrotters. We lost the Globetrotter this week, by the way.

Yeah, yeah. That was one of the unaired Mean Boys feature special edition episodes, which is the following. It's not a real Harlem Globetrotters. We lost the Globetrotter this week, by the way. Yeah, yeah. That was one of the unaired Mean Boys future special edition episodes, which is the following. It's not a real Harlem Globetrotter. We should have redone that one. But let's get going. Question number two, which is the following. It's not a real blues musician. A, Sippy Wallace. B,

Salisbury Sidney Coleman. C, Irene Scruggs. Or D. Barbecue Bob. Barbecue Bob! Three of these are real. Oh, fuck.

It's the greatest part of this game. Man, I'm going to go with Barbecue Bob. These other two are just too great. It's going to disappoint me if Salisbury Sidney Coleman isn't real. I kind of think Irene Scruggs is a fake one. No, but I feel like I've heard that before. I know a person whose last name is Scruggs that we might both know. You know a lot of homeless people.

Solid. No, there's a comedian with that name that I'm wondering if you stole it from. Bubba Scruggs. Yeah, I'll go. Fuck both of you. I'll go Barbecue Bob. The fake blues musician is Salisbury Sidney Coleman. Damn it, Salisbury Sidney Coleman.

Big ups to Barbecue Bob for being real. You know, the sun is a little less bright, followers smell a little less sweet. Salisbury Sidney Coleman isn't real. I mean, that is going to be my name when I get my racial transition surgery and pick up a fucking slide. By the way, at the end of this, we need to come up with our own blues names. Oh, yeah,

you're Pudgy Fingers for sure. Pudgy Fingers Cary. You're fucking Leather Boy Joe. I got fucking... Pudgy Fingers Cary is singing that my train from Compton got a homeless man on a blues. Got a hobo on a Compton train.

Mine's Gangly Paul Spadzy. That's my middle name. All right. Number three, which of the following? The mayonnaise kid. The mayonnaise kid. Fuck my ass the first one. Not my rap name, my blues name.

All right. Number three, which of the following? It's not a real blues musician. A, crippled Clarence Lofton. B, furry Lewis. Crippled Clarence Lofton. B. Furry Lewis. C. Black Ace. Or D. Fat Fingers Wilson. This is one of my favorites

because I made this three weeks ago and I legitimately forgot which one is fake. Okay, it's going to help me if I say these in an old blues man voice. Crippled Clarence Lofton. I'm sorry, what is that? Black Ace, Fat Fingers Wilson. I'm going to go these in an old blues man voice. Crippled Clarence Lofton. I'm sorry, what is that?

Black Ace Fat Fingers Wilson. I'm going to go with Fat Fingers Wilson. That feels the most foreign. I'm going to go Fat Fingers Wilson as well. Although I'm also going to go with You Don't Know How Blues Voice Works. Yeah, you sound like a... Crippled Clarence Lofton.

You sound like a new racist than an old blues singer. The fake blues singer is Fat Fingers Wilson. Oh, fucking I got all fucking Daniel Day-Lewis. All right. You know how I knew that was fake? Because you just gave me basically that name. I did. Yeah.

I have an uncreative one track repeat itself. I'm going to be the worst fucking old person because I repeat myself so much already. Number four, which is the following. A. Limping Jack Witherspoon. B. Washboard Sam. C. Rabbit Brown. D. Arthur Big Boy Crudup. Crudup.

You got to crud up. Crud up for shut up. Crud up. Oh, my God. Crud up for what? I could do a million. Crud up. It sounds like something like reggae singers say. Crud up for what? I could do a military. Crud up. It sounds like something like reggae singers say.

Crud up, bruh, bruh. Okay. Crud up, stand up. Crud up, beat your wife. You gotta choose, Arthur. Big boy crud up because of the fates. Whether he's real or fake, he's given us so much joy. I want to disagree.

I want to say Limping Jack Witherspoon. Okay. I don't know how we judge this. The fake blues musician is Limping Jack Witherspoon. Brrp! Brrp! Crud up! Doesn't it make you fucking sick when white people do that

thing you just did? What, when I do it really well? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, but you just did it as a, you know, because you're making fun. Like, when you hear people doing it at, like, shows and something. Well, it makes me sick when you shoot guns and do heterosexual activities, Joseph, so. Well, I.

Stop appropriating our culture. No, no, no. It's not for you. Everyone knows question five of which of the following is always all real or all fake. So are these all real or all fake? A, Buster Pickens. B, Bumblebee Slim. C, Peg Leg Howl.

D, Smokey Hog. Smokey Hog isn't How to Drain Your Dragon, right? I mean, we can cast him if he's available. I don't know if we have the budget for Smokey Hawk isn't how to drain your dragon, right? I mean, I don't know if we can cast him if he's available. I don't know if we have the budget for Smokey Hawk. I want to say Buster Pickens because it's just Buster. It's all real or all fake. All real or all fake. Oh, okay.

I see. I got to go with all real. I will go. I'll join Joe on that. We're fighting you, so I'll say all real. These are all real. Yeah. That Buster is a really unfortunate black person name.

Yeah. Well, I think... Pickens isn't much better. I think Keith beat the house and Joe lost. Pickings. Pickings. That's the white musician. Buster Pickings.

You know how they're like black people named Freeman and then there's Pickings? Buster not so much. That's always nice when they have a sense of irony. Well, guys, that was Witch of the Following. Yay! Yeah, if we get sued by anybody, I really want it to be a children's television show. Nothing would be happier than just seeing a court case that said Mean Boys vs. Sesame Street would be worth losing everything I have, which is very little.

Dude, that would be awesome. That was a good first round of the show. We're going to be right back after a word from our sponsors. Hello, folks. I'm Edgar Mortaro, and I'm pleased to announce the 50% off Black Friday sale at Mortaro's Baby Coffins. That's right. Come to Mortaro's for half price on any infant sarcophagus.

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die. Well, hey everyone, this time for a segment, this is my favorite segment, it's called Get Off Joe's Lawn. Now listen, guys... Did you hear me? I said get off my lawn. Nah, that wasn't intrusive at all. No, this flowed super

naturally. I just need to be able to cut around that. What's the name of the segment? It's called Get Off Joe's Lawn. Okay, let's get in. Here's the thing, everyone. I'm only... Hey, hey.

I didn't even do anything. You didn't help. I didn't do nothing. Kerry, explain why you should be on this podcast right now. I barely want to be. God damn it. I'm willing to forfeit another minute of my segment for this. You guys are on such a tight fucking time schedule.

Hey, hey, don't talk shit about our time schedule. We're trying to make something here. We really are. You can't even find a normal volume version of it. Dude, it's funny every time, whether you like it or not. All right, sorry, Joe. I want to etch that on your grave. No, I'm not going to do it if you want me to do it.

That'll take away the power. Anyway, guys, well, this segment's called Get Off Joe's Lawn here's the thing I'm only 29 years old but I really do feel like I'm kind of an older man at heart and I just I can't we've had so many old men inside you

I guess they rubbed off on you they filled you up to the heart they surely have yeah I can't crap it all out anyway oh no but your shits look like yeti fingers I can't crap it all out. Anyway. Oh, no.

But your shits look like Yeti fingers. I'm just picturing, like, you know that tunnel from The Fugitive? Like, Harrison Ford jumps up with the water coming out of it. My shits are like chocolate Twinkies. Bro. Anyway. Yeah. This is a segment where basically basically i shit on millennials and just you know the young people and their habits that annoy me uh one thing i that i saw that just drove me

fucking crazy uh i was reading articles online i was researching for the monologue and i saw from from the washington fucking post i saw this headline this saw this headline. This is the newspaper that spurred Watergate, mind you. This was a headline. It said, Dewey defeats Truman. He dropped the bomb and he was right to. Ah, these liberals closed down the internment camps, they said. Look who's laughing now.

You want your dentist selling secrets for the Japs? I think not. Send him to fucking Slope Camp. Oh, no. It's not an internment camp. It's Park Slope. Get off Joe's... Park Slope.

Get Off Joe's Lawn is brought to you by Jap Guard Internment Services. Nips in your yard? Call Jap Guard. Did you just do an off-the-cuff racist radio ad from the 40s? No, I've had that prepared in my head for years. I never had the opportunity.

Coming up next, the adventures of Buckwheat and Cooney. Like, what I've gotten from this show is that you really want... You can't eat the rind, Cooney. Oh, sorry, man. Joe, you really just want to be a time-traveling racist entrepreneur. I really do. You want to go, like, invent eugenics pamphlets and fucking

snake tonic. That's what I do. He wants to be Doc I Don't Trust Browns. Ha! I'm here selling... That almost made up for the monologue, Keith. I'm in the Jewish district of New York selling my horn files. Oh, fuck.

My shofar polish. All right. Anyway. That was a smarter version of what you said. Yeah, that's why nobody laughed at it. You're going to die in obscurity. You're laughing at Connor's really good joke. Anyway, do your dumb thing about the bullshit newspaper.

Anything. This was the headline I saw in the Washington Post. It said, study confirms that ending your text messages with a period is unfriendly. That was a fucking headline, you guys. This wasn't BuzzFeed. A dot is too harsh for you? Dots! We're threatened by... Our grandparents beat the Nazis and we're threatened by

dots. The dotsies. Thank God. Don't be such a dotsy, Heather. Oh, god damn it. There used to be a time when like you were allowed to criticize people for like bad grammar and stuff

and now it's like if you do it people give you shit about it they're like why are you being a grammar Nazi it's like cause

fuck you we speak English because you illiterate cunt I gotta read your dumb monkey shits for the degradation of the medium

by which we communicate our ideas you fucking twat yeah you fucking 1984 helper god I couldn't prove me emojis aren't newspeak by which we communicate our ideas. Yeah. Fucking twat. Yeah, you fucking 1984 helper. God, I couldn't think of it. Prove me emojis aren't newspeak.

They are. They really are. They kind of are, yeah. Yeah. When you file down the use of the language, you file down your expression of thought. But it's just like... I always thought it was interesting in 1984,

they say that eventually newspeak is going to get... They delete words from the language every year, and they eventually want to get down to one word that's just some sort of subsidiary of just the word yes. I think it's just going to be a happy face. We're just going to get kind of winking. It'll be the one with the hearts for eyes. Yeah, I'm a boner, so for a sex thing.

Double plus poop emoji. That's where we're going. Double plus poop emoji. That's really funny for all the eighth graders that just finished their fucking summer reading and are now moving on to this. But I don't get the mentality behind it. It's like, oh my god, it's like a period.

It's like you're talking, but then a period is like, not anymore. It's really negative. We're so obsessed with people. Some things need to be negative. I think it's just because every sternly worded note they've gotten from an authority figure had proper punctuation. So they feel safe when they're talking like dipshits we're afraid of like things being firm too like things being like old soft dick carry over yeah old fucking limpy mcgimpy over here it's like like like he's a blues singer limpy mcgimpy it's like to just to say no to someone is rude yeah like

sometimes that's the answer like yeah do you want to do this? No. Yeah. Yeah, if you don't sound like... No, I'm so sorry. I think it's ruder to pretend you want to do it and then show up and be in a shit mood. I agree. Yeah.

Thank you. Yeah. You know, like we all did with this podcast. Exactly. Yeah, really. That joke just sat visibly in the middle of the table. We all waited to see who was going to grab it. Yeah, kind of like how Keith does with the pizza at every party he's ever been to.

I'm very fat. Fucking good one. Yeah, you're also selfish. I was making a joke about your horrible personality, not your horrible physique. It's about your body and character. Yeah. Both of which are... The outside matches the inside.

I have a sweaty character. You do, yeah. He's obese of body and sweaty of character. I am obese of soul. I of character. I am obese of soul. I love it. You're obese. Obese mode. Fuck you.

I just made our first t-shirt. Obese mode? Obese mode. Nobody would even buy a Mean Boys coaster at this point. And by Mean Boys coaster, I mean Keith coasting off of the talents of me and Jones. I just, I can't imagine where... Connor, you're fired. Connor, you're fired!

We need to get one for all of us. I do. All right, well, that was good off Joe's lawn. Do you have a gay agenda update for us? I believe I do. All right, well, let's hear our jingle. This is more like a production piece. That was an unrelated sound effect, but it kind of worked out.

Motherfucker, why is it vampire music? I don't know. I was like, what can I do for gay gen update? And then I had this creepy organ for something else, and I was like, eh, I'll just do this. Creepy organs, gays like those. Well, the thing is, I imagine Joe... Both of their homes and butts. I imagine Joe riding this at the top of his vampire Count Olaf spire.

Oh, exactly. I think that's just a Joe thing, though, not an all gay people thing. Well, he's the one giving the updates. I dip a fucking feather quill into, like, a twink anus. I picture you as, like, the Grinch of West Hollywood. Sitting in like a cave in the Bronson Canyon. They're cumbling their bum bumblers. And felching their squelch deltulars.

They're jizzling their beady hands. I was in Minneapolis over Christmas and someone said like, Oh, I can't really tell you're a real WeHo guy. And I just broke my fucking heart. Oh, God. Well, that's not hard to do considering your heart is just a fucking 9-volt battery wrapped in electrical tape. Evil twat. It's a fucking potato that pumps Moidor oil.

What? It feels right. Yeah, it does. We're just writing mean sound poems here. Sometimes if you think about it, they don't make a lot of sense. You just got to write it out. It just was not what I expected. Yeah.

Anyway, I'm Joe Dosh. Fucking name. Sorry, my throat is all shitty this week. I'm Joe Dosh, and this is the Gay Agenda Update. A new gay rights update. In 2005 became the first year that homosexuals were universally granted marriage equality in America. In 2017, the first child conceived from homosexual intercourse was born, upon whose seven horned heads blasphemous names were written. The righteous of the earth knelt in submission before Daggeroth the Anusborn.

In further gay agenda update news, hate speech laws and anti-bullying programs are efforts to exterminate mental resistance to a gay fascist cabal which will enforce a mandatory homosexuality and exterminate the human race in the name of Satan. Furthermore, we are three or four celebrity comings out away from summoning enough ancient celestial magics to summon the church-smashing AIDS golem we've been working on.

I'm Joe Dosh, this is the Gay Agenda Update. Oh my god! So, bold as it So, bonus goes to... I had no idea what that was about to be. It was a lot of fun. The jingle makes sense now. Yeah, it does.

Because I knew that would be the tone of it. Why are there machine guns? I don't know, Joe. I thought they were bats. Why is your heart a potato that pumps motor oil? Yeah, fair enough. Hey, make a better sound collage, why don't you? This is by my own potato.

Okay. Oh, it's my own potato. I always stood on my own potato. Get the fuck out of this garage. I think Keith has an inferior game to mine he would like to have us play. I sure do, and I actually asked that we didn't do it, but we're here. We're in this mess. This is called Fuck, Marry, Kill. Fuck you!

Original. Did you make this up, Keith? I did. Look, at least I stole it from shitty teenagers trying to finger each other and not Sesame Street. Hey, they're already getting fingers. There's hands inside those puppets. All right. I have three possibilities. We'll debate this out.

The first one, I picked three different versions of God. Jesus Christ, the Prophet Muhammad, Kanye West. I agree. Mary Kanye. Fuck Muhammad, kill Jesus, because without Jesus, there's no Muhammad. Well, I'm on the kill Jesus team, too, because he's fine. He's going to come back. He's good. What do you mean, without Jesus, there's no Muhammad. Well, I'm on the kill Jesus team, too, because he's fine. He's going to come back.

He's good. What do you mean without Jesus, there's no Muhammad? Well, you know, the muzzlers. Is that another one of those? They're muzzling their dozzlers. They're muzzling their dozzlers and mutilating their clit diddlers. ISIS is basically the adult Grinch. Oh, fuck, man.

The Grinch of freedom. You're a mean one, the adult Grinch. Oh, fuck me! The Grinch of freedom? Your mean one, Mr. Grinch. You turned Paris into Act III of The Dark Knight. Oh, my God! Can we acknowledge that this game is stupid, but it was worth it? Can we show the opportunity to be the funniest person ever? You're running around in your ski mask in the desert starting fights, Mr. Grinch. I wouldn't liberate the capital of your...

You killed a pair of backpackers and stole their Vespa scooter. With a 99 and a half foot pole. Oh, Jesus Christ, Joe. Good work. Can we just skip the rest of this? Yeah, guys. That was fuck, marry, kill. All right.

I think that's enough of us. Let's get back to a word from our sponsors. Hi, I'm Crazy Carl from Crazy Carl's Auto Shack. I've always brought you the craziest savings on new and used cars, but this weekend is our annual liquidation sale, and these savings are insane! I've lost my mind! For real! I'm violating doctor's orders and going off my meds, and I'm passing the

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The airing of grievances. I got a lot of problems with you people. Now, you're going to hear about it. Well, I really got to fix these playback issues. Oh, air a grievance. You and that fucking iTunes. Yeah, yeah. I do have a grievance I'd like to air.

It was actually something, when you guys were at my house about a month ago, we were discussing at the meeting for this podcast, there was something that was said that I let go unslammed, and I regretted it the second you left my house, and I'd like to bring it up tonight. There was a moment when you guys were looking at my bookshelf

and you said something to the effect, Connor, you said something to the effect of like, oh man, you know, I'd like to read a lot more. I'm just too busy. You're not too busy. You're insecure about being stupid and you should be. I love that Connor impression. Oh, Connor.

Yeah, you're right. I'm a simple country boy. I read a book this weekend. Did you? What'd you read? I read Richard Pryor's autobiography. It was a manual. You're not going to fight me on this at all? No, no, I agree with you.

No, I'm a cunt. I'm just too busy. I have guilt anxiety about whatever I'm doing where I feel like I should be doing something else. I'm just going to sit down and read a book. It's like, oh, my head would just be buzzing. You should fucking write a joke or go work out or message, figure it out out but you do have to read

so you can expand your mind and write you know yeah no I agree better comedy than this monologue was this week yeah dude I'm so mad that this is the first official episode because we all did so much better on the other two yeah we sure did that's my airing of grievances that we started fucking

coasting as soon as it mattered part of the fun is going to be us failing a bunch, though. Oh, I agree. I think it went all right. You got a grievance, Keith, besides the fact that we've been fucking making your drug-addicted mother suck up her internal mockery? I mean, at what point does it matter anymore? Yeah.

Yeah. I don't know. Hey, Keith. Connor didn't like Star Wars, and I did. Is that a grievance? Hey, Keith, remember when your mother's about to shake apart from drug use and didn't love you? What, Tuesday? I that a grievance? Hey, Keith, remember when your mother was about to shake apart from drug use and didn't love you? What, Tuesday?

I have a grievance. Joe, every time you see me, you give me shit about wearing the same hoodie. Most people don't get a new jacket. Most people just have their jacket that they wear. That's not a jacket. That's a hoodie. Yeah, it's chilly.

Yeah, it's chilly. I wear it because it's chilly. The only reason you notice it is because it's a cool, distinctive-looking jacket. No, it isn't. It's a good jacket. It's like a Threadless Reject shitty hoodie. I'm on Team Connors hoodie.

Yeah, I'm sorry I don't have a big array of fucking weird supervillain, like, faggot outfits that I can wear every day. Do you just go to every store and be like can you make me look like a bad guy from Logan's Run? Is that your best job? Yeah, can you just be like can you make it look like

I run an evil Etsy store? Yeah. What if Ernest Hemingway was somebody Hemingway would never talk to? That's the look you'd go for. I do. I look like hooking.

I point out the I dress like what a millennial would look like if the Nazis won World War II. That's extremely funny. God damn it. Dosh on points. I topped your grievances.

Go fuck yourselves. I mean, you had a good bar, but I think my point stands. Why do I fucking need to rotate my jackets for you, Joe? Because you should have more than one fucking article of clothing. Then again, I guess at the end of the day, you're fucking all these fat Mexican girls. So, I mean, that really is the... I haven't fucked that many fat Mexican girls.

They fuck him. Let's see. What is it? Don't. This is me. You're counting. It's not. I mean...

Are you adjusting for inflation? If they're fat now, is it counting? Yeah. I think only, like, three. Really? Yeah. God, I'd have thought...

I'd have thought like three a month at least. Was it weird when you finished and all that candy came out of them? A lot of candy went into them. I'll tell you that right now. If they hit you with sticks, what comes out? Just like old Subway mayo packets? Just curdled. Oh my god, the Keith pinata.

It's just like... My spicy mustard's falling out. It's so much of my strength. Of my powers! Barber hair and lard. Sweet lord, no! It's fucking... Dude, 100th podcast celebration

We gotta have a Keith Pinata I would love that more than anything in the world I agree with that Alright, well I think grievances are aired I think so too, I feel better We've all healed Healed a broken nation of ours This is the Mean Boys Podcast, thanks for sticking with us

while we figure it out, we really appreciate it You can follow the show on Twitter at Mean Boys Podcast. If you want to send us an email, meanboyspodcast at gmail.com. We'll happily answer your questions or your need for any kind of advice in your life. Anything else to add, boys? No, I think I'm square. Yeah, I'm good.

All right. Fuck everybody.