Mean Boys - EP 100 - Lasagna Castration (feat. Scottish Locke & Sophie Goss)

Episode Date: December 21, 2017

Support the show on Patreon: www.patreon.com/meanboys This week’s segments include “Mexican Joke Off”, “Family Stories", “Carnok Claus”, and a game of "Which of the Following" with things people dressed have Santa have done. Get on the email list and fill out our 2018 tour survey to help us plan our big dumb adventure: goo.gl/forms/DKxdxTPtzebqYFPG3 Join the Mean Boys Celebrity Death Pool by emailing [e-mail] Get the new Wu-Tang t-shirt and all our past designs on our new Tee Public page: www.teepublic.com/user/meanboyspodcast Shop Sudio headphones and use promo code "MEANBOYS15" for 15% off all purchases: goo.gl/JWBAJK Contribute to the Mean Boys wiki: mean-boys.wikia.com/wiki/Mean_Boys_Wiki Send us an email at [e-mail] or leave us a voicemail at [phone] We are proudly sponsored by Don Carlo's Taco Shop in La Jolla California (www.eataburrito.com) Follow the show on Twitter: twitter.com/meanboyspodcast Follow Keith on Twitter: twitter.com/keithtellsjokes Follow Connor on Twitter: twitter.com/connormcspadden Follow Tom on Twitter: twitter.com/gossgoss6 Visit us on the web: www.meanboyspodcast.com Like us on Facebook: www.facebook.com/meanboyspodcast Follow us on Instagram: instagram.com/meanboyspodcast Follow us on Soundcloud: @meanboyspodcast Theme: I’ve Seen Footage by Death Grips (itunes.apple.com/us/album/the-mon…tore/id515449028) Buy Keith’s album (itunes.apple.com/us/album/forever-nap/id1105182043) Podcast logo by Luis Galvez: twitter.com/luiagal Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey everybody, welcome to the Mean Boys podcast. I'm sitting here with a present we just found on our fucking porch addressed to the Mean Boys, which I always think is funny when we get shit just addressed to the Mean Boys. Yeah. And I always feel like, oh yeah, that's right, we did call ourselves that. That's pretty cool, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, so before we get into all the official business, let's just fucking crack this bad boy open and see what we got here. Oh shit, this is not what I was expecting. Oh, it's cardboard. Oh, it's cardboard. Holy shit. Oh my god, we got like a Oh, shit. This is not what I was expecting. Oh, it's cardboard.

Oh, it's cardboard. Holy shit. Oh, my God. We got like a whole gift basket. We got a whole gift basket. Oh, what? Whoa, someone drew a chicken wearing a tomato can as pants. It says, Define Care. We have a piece of cardboard from some kind of creepy children's toy. We got a shitload of

crystalite. Thank you, dude. Nice. Fuck yeah, dude. Alright. We got a shitload of crystalite. Thank you, dude. Nice. Fuck yeah, dude. Alright, so we got a bunch of crystalite. We got some weird Asian candy. Oh, we got Asian cookies, dude. Dude, those are good. Yeah, these look great. We got two fucking sausages. We got a turkey summer sausage

and a beef summer sausage. I gotta figure these are for me. Give me that meat. We got a pack of Cheez-Its that says it's water and power. Cheese it, it's water and power. Holy fucking shit. Nice. That's so funny.

That is awesome. Alright, so we got those. And we got a pack of gummy burgers. Fucking Asian gummy burgers. That's like preemptively a riff on this episode Oh yeah it kind of is huh Oh and then we got a little card for the mean boys So it says Dearest mean boys

I wanted to give back just a little bit of appreciation For all the hours I've spent listening to the show while at work Tried to get something for each of you But I wasn't really sure if I'd heard Tom express anything he was into Except whiskey So please enjoy the artist's conception of Tom as a methadone pigeon from episode 91. The Carnock screenplay was magical. Please keep it up.

Very much anticipating hearing more about the tour next year. Fuck everything. God is dead. Will. P.S. I promise next time I will. Dot. Dale.

D.A.I.L. The menace and. Oh, dial. Dial. You spelled dial wrong. Yeah, I'll dial up the menace and aggression up to at least a fourth. Dude, fucking the goddamn cheese that is water and power. Oh, there's another gift that you got, Tom, that I'll go bring in right now while you

guys vamp. Yeah, we'll handle intro business while you go grab the other. Yeah, thank you, everybody who's sending us shit. This is so much fun. Yeah, it's very odd, but in a good way. Yeah, but this week's episode, a little different. We were joined by some family action. Yeah.

Sophie Goss, sister of the legendary Tom Goss, and my brother, Scottish Lock, who are both awkwardly watching while we're recording this intro. Hi, guys. Yeah, they jumped in

and we tell some fun family stories. This one's pretty loose. There's also a Carnock appearance coming up. Please check out the tour sheet in the show notes. Let us know what cities you live near. Oh, what?

This is Tom's other present. Tell them what they sent you, Tom. Hockey's royal family, the show notes. Let us know what cities you live near. Oh, what? This is Tom's other present. Tell them what they sent you, Tom. Hockey's Royal Family. The Patricks. Yeah, someone sent you a book. Yeah, no, this looks very interesting. Somebody sent you a library book again. They did, yeah. Wow. Call forward. Yeah. Goddamn. Yeah, but fill out the tour sheet. Thank you

to everyone who's helped us hit our $1,000 Patreon goal. Yeah, we did did it you guys are getting an extra episode a month now fuck yeah two extra in January oh it's got an inscription to someone else in the jacket

which is very funny oh that's really funny please continue Merry Christmas Ted love Cheryl, Bill, and Tyson Xmas 1980 damn that's an old ass book yeah

please continue to review rate and subscribe to the show on iTunes sign up for the Patreon to get yourself some fun shit if you haven't already. Yeah, blinge your way through Snark Week.

Fucking wow, it's crazy. People are giving us presents. The cheese and its water and power. Yeah, this is the best Christmas ever, you guys. When you finish those cheeses, we gotta hang that box

on the wall because I fucking love that. Thousand percent. Yeah, what the fuck else? I don't know. Review the show on iTunes if you haven't. There's not a lot of business.

This is the last Mean Boys of the year. We'll be back in January. Back in January. Fun one. Fun, sleepy episode. Sign up show on iTunes if you haven't. There's not a lot of business. This is the last Mean Boys of the year. We'll be back in January. Back in January. Fun one. Fun, sleepy episode. You can still sign up for Death Pool if you want. Yes. By the way, if you signed up, you PayPal'd me, and I sent you the thing, some of you

guys made an account but didn't join the league, so make sure if you did all the first steps, join the league as well. Yeah. That's going to be a lot of fun. It is. It's growing. Cool. All right.

So enjoy this week's episode with Selfie and Scottish. Thanks for the presents. Thank you. Hey, everybody. Welcome to the Mean Boys podcast. War is over. So get a pretzel before the halftime show's done. I'm Connor McSpadden. I'm Tom Goss.

I'm Keith Carey. I'm Sophie Goss. And I'm... By Fieri. Zing. Oh, I had one for him, I forgot. I was going to say that he looks like the owner of a brony food truck. What do we serve at the brony food truck?

I don't know enough about... Horseburger. Just the least graceful thing you could have done. Yeah, that's Tom doing the mentally ill comedy circuit. Horseburger. We got the family in the studio today.

Sophie Goss, Keith's sister, and Scottish Locke is Tom's cousin, I think. And we're all fired up. I think it's going to be good. Yeah, we wanted to bring the family in for the Christmas special, and they both look frightened that they've agreed. Sophie doesn't listen to the show.

Do you listen to the show? Every week. Oh, awesome. Yeah, when you walked away, because Tom and Scottish met for the first time outside. When you walked away, Scottish goes, it's so weird hearing that voice come out of a person. You kind of thought you were just some weird robot we built. Yeah. Old buckets.

It's hilarious. It's been a while since I've gotten someone telling me that they thought I was just one of you two throwing their voice. Which has been refreshing that people know I'm an actual person now. But I feel like there's still some Tom Cousins. I know. I spent a lot of money on this puppet, okay? And I didn't take all those ventriloquism lessons to not fool people into thinking you were real.

Even I'm not sure you exist all the time. I kind of think this might be a Tyler Durden. That's exactly where I want you. You're like the BB-8 of this podcast. I created you to sell merchandise. It's the droid from Star Wars. It's on Patreon. Patreon.com slash Mean Boy.

I thought it was like a BB gun reference. That makes sense. And then Sophie I've met before. She hadn't met Connie yet, but I met her. We went to a Mighty Ducks game with a friend. Anaheim. Anaheim. Yeah.

Who could care? The Ducks fans. All right. Well, I've alienated half of the table already. Wow. Yeah. All the many Ducks fans that listen to the podcast. I'm a fucking Ducks fan and Mean Boys fan.

Yeah, that's two circles that are in different states. But it was just me and Kyle trying to explain the folk hero of Tom to you, and then you just being like, okay, that's my dipshit brother. The level of disinterest was very amusing. I'm hoping that this experience will shed some light as to what this folklore behind Tom is. I still don't understand it. I don't either.

And you're pretty nonplussed by Tom? No. I don't know. He's a sibling. Yeah, we live together. I thought you said simpleton for a second because you're kind of quiet. And I was like, wow, that's my job. What are you doing? What an NPR-asspr ass burn coming on my podcast taking my burns uh so you you realize that tom is a minor podcasting not celebrity but he's he's someone's has a tom goss quote as his

twitter bio wow you know he's like he this he means something to people is that how do you feel about that is that cool is no, that's awesome. They're also over... We're really not. You're way more liked than us. Yeah, Tom. You're kind of a... Aren't you the face of the merchandise, too?

Some of it, yeah. Tom's on my keys right now. I don't know if you've seen these. Yeah, I saw. Yeah, yeah. Also mine. Yeah, I'll show you all the tweets who people have my face in their house.

Did Tom at any point ever speak English? Yes. Wasn't I smarter when I was younger? I don't know. You're smart now. Oh, okay. Wow. Wait, I'm supposed to be mean. Oh, I don't know. You're smart now. Oh, okay. Wow. Wait.

I'm supposed to be mean. Oh, I don't know. You don't have to be mean. You don't have to be mean. I promise you, we're going to cover the meanness quote. I'll be honest with you.

Your whole attitude is pretty discouraging. Yeah. I just feel like you're like, oh, this is what you guys do? You guys make as much as a college dropout

or a fucking high school dropout every year from this podcast Patreon. I am a high school. I'm a special ed dropout, technically. We did all drop out at various levels of education. We did, yeah. But yeah, $12,000.

She's college educated as fuck. Oh, yeah. You're like smart and shit. Did you go to college? For a year. Okay. Yeah. That's right.

I tried. Yeah. It's called a Cary Master Degree. It's like, ah, we get it. I got six credits. That makes me some kind of professor. I do my time. Does this...

Okay, so you listen to the podcast. Is this exactly how you imagine the studio? Less spiders. Less spiders than you imagined? Yeah. Okay. Well, there's that one. Well, we clean.

And there's some of the webs there. You can see all the remains of the spider housing there. We had to clean up. We had someone who's done their book learning coming in, and we didn't want to look too uncivilized. I like that Tom could just immediately spot spiders, like, terminate it. Like Robocop, like, looking for a non-lethal shot. That's how I fell asleep in the basement.

I played Count the Spiders. There's a fuck ton. Well, yeah, dude, Tom straight up lived in Hagrid's backyard for like a year, so I mean, he got pretty good at it. I've been sleeping down there and man, those spiders keep on coming. Yeah, no, at a certain point it feels like Hydra.

I've got three in my shoe this morning. You know what? I have other shoes. You guys can hang out. I don't need this shoe this bad. What have I told you about taking the bugs out of your shoes? What the fuck? I don't think this shoe is bad. What if I told you about taking the bugs out of your shoes? What the fuck? I don't know. You got bugs in your shoes, Kerry.

Take that. We're really reaching for insults this late in the game. Abort the Mexican joke-off! Ay, so topical. Alright, guys. I'll take us away this week, and holy shit are mine bad. I really thought fucking snark-weak-itis had worn off, and then I sat down to do this, and I was like mine bad. I really thought fucking Snark Week-itis had worn off and then I sat down to do this

and I was like, I don't know, the world's ending, what do you want from me? There's still not a ton of new news stories. Yeah. Not really, no.

There's a lot of like, check this cookie out for shopping or some Christmas bullshit. I don't fucking know. What are those shopping cookies? Yeah, Tom goes, shopping for cookies. He goes out with a minivan

with his reusable bags to go shop for cookies. Can I just with a minivan with his reusable bags to go shop for cookies. I can't imagine him stealing a plate of cookies off a windowsill like an old-timey hobo. Yeah, and I replace it with a pie. I'm like, ah. They'll never figure me out. Yeah, doing an Indiana Jones switcheroo.

Well, Tom, no cookie store is big enough to have aisles to shop in. It's all just like one little tienda. What the fuck is a cookie store? Yeah, I don't know. Oh, like you don't fucking know what a cookie store is big enough to have aisles to shop in. It's all just like one little tienda of, you know, like a... What the fuck is a cookie store? Oh, like you don't fucking know what a cookie store is. Mrs. Fields, you know, in the mall or, you know, there's fucking cookie stores. You mean like a sweet

stand or something? What is a sweet stand? Like a cookie store? What are we doing, you guys? It can't be both a stand and a store. So, how do you feel about being on a stationary road trip with your stupid brother? All right. We're never there yet. Yeah, I'll take us away this week.

Documentary filmmaker Morgan Spurlock admitted to sexual misconduct. He is currently undergoing inpatient counseling, saying he needs someone to supervise me. It's like, supersize me, but with his problems. Who's Martin Spurlock? Not the guy that Connor was talking about. He's Spockish. He's the guy that supersized me. Yeah, Morgan Spock.

He does documentaries. Yeah, well, he did this thing where he basically posted this open letter where he copped to a bunch of sexual assault stuff that nobody had called him on yet. And I think the stop process was like, I'm going to get in front of it and then I'll be a good guy. And then everyone was like, oh no, fuck you too. And he got fired so hard and everything.

Skylar, just maybe hold the mic in the center. I think it's your phone. Oh, okay. Oh yeah, it is my phone. Look how smart I am. Check out the big brain on Tom. You're a smart motherfucker. All right.

An Ohio man was arrested for trying to bribe a 15-year-old boy into sex with Italian food. His favorite dish? Chicken statutory. Yeah, I saw that. He was trying to fuck a fake 15-year-old with Sprite and chicken Alfredo. Fucking what? Who has that worked on? Yeah, like who wasn't going to fuck?

And then it was like, oh, but like Alfredo that has gone through Yeah, like, who wasn't gonna fuck and then was like, oh, but like, Alfredo that has gone through transit. What? I'd be down. Yeah. Gross. That's such a, that's a step down from candy. It's like the least erotic food, maybe.

It really is. It's like a Tupperware full of chicken Alfredo. I've never finished pasta and been like, fucking time. Like, that's always, it's a gross. Oh, full of chicken alfredo yeah like what finished possibly like fucking time like that's always it's a gross oh yeah carbs and milk ready to party like whatever whatever's in oysters the opposite of that is in pasta you know it's like dehornification that's what they should give pedophiles they should just make them eat a whole lasagna every day the olive garden just becomes like a holding pen for kid fuckers. Yeah, we don't have to... Ragu, no children for you. We just turn all pedophiles into Garfield, basically.

Exactly. Fucking the Garfield process. It's like the Ludovosio technique from Clockwork Orange. That's why Garfield hates Mondays. That's when they fucking chemically castrate him. That's the first day of school of the week. Yeah, that's when they waterboard him with fucking you know spaghetti

and then he's just like oh I'm too I feel too bloated to go hurt people I don't even want to touch myself after I eat like a heavy

carby meal yeah it's just like oh the muscle expenditure you ever eat a baked potato and then try to jerk off what a nightmare of course I have

on Tuesday yeah that's that's a family tradition. Look who I'm asking. You just feel like such a monster. You're asking three men shaped like various stages of baked potato. Who's the cooked one? You're like the one that got cooked, then put in a microwave, then somebody put half a steak in it.

Yeah, all right. So the sour cream and chives. You have the floor. This is not going to be good. It's hacky. A New Zealand man is accused of lacing his girlfriend's tea with abortion pills. His only other alternative was to wait nine months and then dump the baby in the harbor. What?

What? Because tea. He dumped tea in the harbor. Oh. Oh, okay. Dump the baby. What a smart-ass dead baby, Joe. Wait, I thought he was British or something.

New Zealand. New Zealand. Yeah, they don't have tea in their harbor. Yeah, that was very good I thought he was British or something. New Zealand. New Zealand, close enough. Yeah, they don't have tea in their room. Yeah, that was very... You really reached there. Yeah. I was just waiting for a Lord of the Rings thing. Oh, no.

Well, yeah, the father, Crispus Attucks, is... All right, speaking of not making sense... Multiple sports teams have been having Star Wars Appreciation Night games. It's very similar to military Appreciation Nights, but instead of amputees, the fans are emotionally crippled. I like that. What is the stupidest thing you've seen Tom take a way too hard stance on? Tom shouted at us about this last night.

Yeah, Tom has frothed himself into a rage over being refused tapatio in favor of the homemade house salsa at a fancy Mexican restaurant. Star Wars appreciation day. So many things. Have you ever just, we had a couple of conversations. I am so bummed you asked this cause I was screaming about shit in the car. We need to know right now.

Well, the most recent one was about how the way people dress, if they dress in a clean way, it's a reflection of them having deep issues. Ray, have you guys heard about this? No. No. I don't trust that. No, it's a whole thing like why are you hiding your demons? I want to know where your demons are.

Can I ask you a question, Tom? Do you have this theory just because you don't know how to use the washer? No, I know how to use the washer. Yeah, you get locked out of your suitcase. You're like, anyone with fresh clothes is a pedophile anyway. Fucking yuppies. Yeah, Tom currently looks like he's banned from many 7-Elevens. Like, this is the outfit that they have in the blurry photograph of the guy

that just says, do not let him in here. Hey, love me at 7-Eleven, okay? Don't you start these rumors about me, sir. Yeah, I'll eat the last hot dog. I'm a team player. Alright, guys. Three people were arrested after a video leaked of several cows being tortured and burned alive in Florida. The Mean Boys

podcast is proud to be broadcasting with the last two surviving members of the Carey family. I'm not a Carey, so fuck you. But just to clarify, everyone on my dad's side, very fat. Just truly a girthy, unpleasant stock. My family, they're all nice people.

Are you a mom brother or a dad brother? There's a mom brother. My dad brothers all live in Seattle. Okay. Yeah. And do you know the... My mom, yeah. No.

Okay. Yeah, I'm going to... I'll figure it out. I'll figure it out. I don't even know what you think you're at. I'm not sure. I've got to be honest. The Dad Brothers are my favorite garage rock band from Olympia.

All right. 13 severed human feet have washed ashore on a Canadian beach. When asked for comment, Canadian authorities said, actually, in Canada, we call them severed human kilometers. I missed the setup. It would be meters, because kilometers is a much larger unit. Shut up. A kilometer is like a mile, right?

Yeah, it's like their mile. Yeah, it's like 9.5 miles. Hey, did anybody not get it? A kilometer is not 9.5. I got distracted by something. A bunch of feet washed up. A bunch of meters. Severed human kilometers. Let me just punch that joke out for you. It'll be much funnier. You want to try it again? Would it be meters? Sure, let me try it again. 13 severed human feet washed A bunch of meters. Let me just punch that joke up for you. It'll be much funnier. You want to try it again?

Would it be meters? Sure. Let me try it again. 13 severed human feet have washed ashore on a Canadian beach. In related news, Connor McSpadden is a dumb faggot. There.

Better than I fixed it? I think it was definitely improved. No, Keith. It's meters. I liked it better when I tuned out. No, that's a fine joke. It'll teach me to try.

Yeah. I'm building up some bomb karma. Get down here'll teach me to try. Yeah, that's... Yeah. I'm building up some bomb karma. Get down here with the rest of us. Yeah. All right, you thought the first one made sense. Here we go. Oh, no. I like him.

A U.S. woman has been accused of using Bitcoin to launder money to the Islamic State. When she asked ISIS if they accept any other forms of payment, they said that they also accept pay... Oh, dear. I mean, it worked. Okay. Sean Spicer revealed

he thought the film Christmas Carol was a song book. He also thought that the film White Christmas was about genocide and Charlie Brown was about the Mexicans who fought with the Viet Cong. I fucking... Oh, I get it. Yeah. I like how they went

Christmas theme, Christmas theme, Vietnam. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. It was bad. I agree. This corner of the table got very strangely racist and confusing. I would say Chuck Spicer was worse. Sorry. Alright, guys Chuck Spicer was worse. Sorry.

All right, guys. Last one for me. Archaeologists believe they found one of St. Nicholas's bones. Chief excavator Dice Clay said,

we found it inside that broad from Santa, baby. Oh! There are a lot of songs about Santa fucking. Yeah.

There's that one. There's the I saw Mommy jerking Santa Claus off or whatever. Yeah, and I'll say this. Santa fucking. Yeah. There's that one. There's the I saw Mommy jerking Santa Claus off or whatever. Yeah. And I'll say this. Not enough. Yeah.

Get writing. Get writing, fucking songwriters. It's cold outside. Like, kind of a creepy song. Yeah. This has been. Yeah. It's like the world's oldest, like, take.

That's like the first hot take. It was. It kind of was. Yeah. Well, I'm glad I've caught up with society. Yeah. Tom has this, like, thing where he'll just figure shit out about eight years after.

He intakes information like an Eastern European country that's getting music too late. We're going to see a tweet January 3rd, 2019. Dude, Furbies suck. I took Tom to Ikea. Those are the things you can't feed after midnight, right? Gremlins, close.

I took Tom to Ikea for the first time, which was amazing because at one point we had to stop. And I was like, are you okay? He's like, yeah, I'm just overwhelmed. Give me a minute. It's the biggest Ikea apparently in America. I have no idea if that's true. Which one is it? The one in Burbank.

Oh, yeah, because you work at an Ikea. Yeah, that's true. Yeah, I'm going to go ahead and Google largest Ikea in America. We're walking through the parking lot and he's like, yeah, I don't know. You think any comic has ever talked about how Ikea is weird? You know what? It is the one in Burbank. It's the largest one in America.

Did you actually know that? Yes. Yes. If I firmly state something, I definitely believe it. What did Tom think last night, though? Oh, he thought it was called a hamburger because people thought it was ham? That one I was wrong about, yes. Yeah, you were definitely wrong.

But you yelled for a while about how right you were. No, okay. It was one of those times where you're like, yeah, no, I'm right. I'm right. I'm right. I mean, fucking maybe. Okay, but wait, if I Google it... I said, I'm pretty sure it had something to do with that. And then afterwards, you were like,

oh, yeah, I knew that fact about Germany. I was like, you would have said something. You sure redeemed yourself when you took 45 minutes to open a candy cane. That was weirdly wrapped. No, it wasn't. It was wrapped in standard candy cane fashion. There's no unconventionally wrapped candy cane. It had shrinked wrapped.

Yeah, yeah. I don't know where that came from. Germany, Tom, with the hamburger. That's where it fucking came from. All right, Scottish. The hamburger has the floor. All right. A Florida woman was charged with the DUI for riding a horse while blackout drunk.

When reached for comment, the horse said, Eh, she just said she needed a ride. I'm very chivalrous. What? Oh, I guess the horse is drunk here? Yeah. The chivalrous horse Well, because chivalry is actually

You know, there's a word Tom knows this from Civilization It pertains to horseback riding I gotta say I would never I would never ride a horse drunk But I would ride a drunk horse That sounds like it would be pretty fun

Sophie just looks like I've been dealing with this for 15 years 15? I don't know Are you older than Tom? How old do you think she is? like it would be pretty fun. Sophie just looks like I've been dealing with this for 15 years. 15? I don't know. Are you older than Tom? How old do you think she is? Do you think I'm 15? I think you're like 19. Fuck. How old are you?

23. Oh, okay. I'm 24. I know. You're three days older than me. No one doesn't know. You looked at me like, oh, how old are you? And I was trying to be helpful. How old are you, Scottish? 21. Keith? 29.

Okay, well, cool. We figured that out. And you're 24? Yeah. Yeah. Cool, guys. Everybody's a number. All about numbers.

All right, Tom, close it out strong. Hey, Keith, what are you, the government over here? Huh? Right? That's all we ought of them. This is a long one, just for everyone. Oh, good. Okay.

The other ones weren't long enough. You're talking a lot of shit for somebody who offered up two nonsensical statements and then erased his PayPal joke. Who do you think you are, me? Like, calm right down. Tom, get started. I'm going to go learn to make a souffle. Alex Jones is claiming

that the reason Roy Moore lost the election was because dead people voted Democrat this is obviously not true since the ghosts that were most passionate about him not winning were too young to vote anyway oh cause he killed those kids he fucked

I thought what's the joke here that that the that the people most afraid of the man were fucking underage and couldn't... It was too complicated. But he killed the dead... It's the dead kids he fucked are the ones who voted against him, right? Is that who you're saying?

I don't think he killed those kids. No, he didn't kill the kids. Just the kids have the most interest in him not being fucking in the government. Oh, but the kids aren't old enough to be ghosts? This is not making it funnier, Dan. I just don't get where you're going with this. I'll send you a diagram. Say meters.

Holy shit. Sophie, is this what you've been expecting? This is exciting. Thrilling. Well, nice, guys. That was a Mexican joke off. That was a lot of fun. And we'll be right back with something else.

Hey, everybody. We'll be back with more Mean Boys in just a second. You know, Christmas is right around the motherfucking corner. What? Yeah, it's coming. I forget. It's right over there. And your friends and family, they want you to buy them something.

That's how this works. That's how capitalism uses your God. And what better gift for them than studio headphones? I can't think of one. No, there's not a better one. Studio headphones are made in Sweden, so you know they're slick and cool and kind of hot. Yeah, and they have good batteries. Yeah, they got good battery life, Bluetooth capability,

fancy spaghetti cord that we are enamored with that will not get tangled, fucking incredible sound quality. A couple of you guys were tweeting and asking if it was really worth buying these things, if the quality was good. It's insane. It's very, very good. They will ruin every other headphone for you afterwards. But they're fucking great. And best of all, if you buy

them and use promo code MEANBOYS15 you get 15% off. Yeah, that's fucking buck wild. That's super awesome. So go to, what is the website? Studiosweden.com. Yeah, go there and buy these things. And listen, like a ninja. A Christmas ninja.

And the Mean Boys podcast is back. And after a terse discussion, we finally understood Tom's last joke off, and we can move on. By which I mean, we all pretended to get it, so he'd stop yelling. No, you guys kept asking me questions, and then I'd yell.

No one asked you anything. You guys are insig- No, that's not true. Sophie, back me up. You asked me something. I don't remember what it was. I did ask you something. See?

See? Yeah, it was, why, dear God, why? Did you make me try from Mission Viejo to do this? I drove. You did drive, yeah. Oh, man. This is- You don't have, like, a sibling that we could be-

Not as bummed as he is. No, I got, like, a dead cat and a couple stuffed animals. Oh, man. This is... You don't have, like, a sibling that we could be... Not as bummed as he is. No, I got, like, a dead cat and a couple stuffed animals. I got nothing. The dead cat is actually in studio. He should sound very talkative. Meow. Yeah. Okay, Hobbs, shut up.

So we're going to tell some family stories, guys. Scottish, what was fucking... I guess I'll moderate this. Yeah. Has Keith changed much as he's gotten older? Was he always just kind of a horny raccoon? His teeth look squishier now. They are.

They're like furry. Yeah, you are what you eat, so enough gummy products, and your teeth just turn to hard gelatin. Yeah. That's pretty much it. He's pretty much the same person. Yeah. You and I were, like, super good, because I have another brother, too, and it's like, he didn't like us very much.

Oh, no, still doesn't. He was the middle, but me and Scottish were, like, buddies growing up. Like, remember when we used to do the Exterminator game? Oh, yeah. Yeah, do you want to explain what that was? No, you go ahead. Okay. Well, yeah, it was basically, we had a huge cockroach problem

and we had, like, a plastic, like, Fisher Price, like, tool set or whatever that he had when he was little. So instead of, like, pretending we were building shit, we would just go around murdering cockroaches in our house. And then, was it you or Topper who started the Cockroach Thunderdome? I believe that was Topper. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We talked about this a couple weeks ago.

Oh, what is it? We would just, like, we would freeze bugs, like, in the ice tray, like Dem like demolition man style to thaw them out later we make them fight for chips and stuff oh really will they like actually survive being frozen oh shit no oh no no that was the idea and then we realized there's more to cryogenic uh research than just putting a cockroach in a fucking freezer wait how old were you when you thought that they would still live it's not important what is it no it is i think i was like 13 okay that's too old well i was doing it i was trying to bond with the the middle brother my serious on me yeah i said the middle one i tried to get you why don't you just make them fight immediately we would do that too there

were a lot of cockroaches uh-huh and then like, but what was the logic of freezing them? I don't know. We just wanted to do weird shit with bugs. Science. Yeah. Thank you. Thank you. This woman gets it.

What? Okay. All right. Oh, here's a fun story that you reminded me of. The lightsaber story. Oh. So, Scottish, when he was a little kid, was like... Oh, please. The lightsaber has to go in somebody's butt. Yeah. It's got to go in a weirder place than that somehow. Oh. So, Scottish, when he was a little kid, was like, Oh, please,

the lightsaber has to go in somebody's butt. Yeah, it's got to go in a weirder place than that somehow. Oh, no.

So, like, he was one of those kids who would always just do weird wiener stuff. Like, he would just, like,

always be running around with his dick out, just kind of flop. Like, I remember the funniest thing he would do is he were that he didn't end up in comedy,

and you did. Yeah, I know. I always, he would just, like, creep up next to people. He would just have his dick out

and he would, like, move the pee hole so it was like his mouth was talking. for some reason he would just do marlon brando for the godmother he'd go may we quit that was the line who doesn't love doing that i mean yeah it's a good it's a good time yeah but basically if there was ever like a lull or like a boring moment he would do something weird wiener base to get a laugh and Tell them what you did with the lightsaber. I don't know how I got to the moment, but for some

reason, I felt the need to break the tip off of a plastic lightsaber, and then it came over me to just piss in the lightsaber's tip. And then, why not? Just drank it. Wait, you drank piss out of a lightsaber?

Yeah. Nobody asked him to do it. Yeah. Did you thought you were going to win money or something? Oh, no, no. Were you trying to move shit with your mind afterwards? Like, if this doesn't do it, I'm pretty sure this was a deleted scene of the prequels

about how to get, you got to, to get midichlorians, you just got to drink a lot of pee. I remember just me and my other brother just watching that happen like you ever like need to laugh so hard

you can't laugh at all like your brain what do we do like I just broke did you guys fight a lot oh yeah yeah I mean maybe

not us so much no you and Topper would fight a ton I would just kinda like I wouldn't call it fighting so much it's him beating the shit out of me.

Yeah, well, I told the GameCube story during the Dwayne Peters episode. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah, about you getting just straight up knocked out with a GameCube. Yeah. And then I remember you guys would do like – because Scottish and Topper both took karate for a little bit. And Scottish was very – he was like a little white belt kid, but he would just like plant his feet and be like, yeah, yeah. He knew his little like three rhythms. So he'd be like, white belt kid, but he would just like play on his feet and be like, yeah, yeah. He knew his little like three rhythms.

So he'd be like, let's fight. And he would do that. And then my other brother would just kick him in the face. Just like no effort. Didn't even have to jump. Would just like rock him in the jaw. And then – because you've always been huge too. For anybody who's listening, Scottish is like eight feet tall and weighs 7,000 pounds.

And also is like just the least fighty person I've ever met. You're a big old sweetheart. I mean, it gets me out of a lot of conflicts. Yeah. Like, just show alone. You look like you give people cake at the office. What? Something. Something. Like, you have a very, like, bakery

vibe to it. You do look like a friendly Dutch man who just invented a new kind of strudel. Oh, it's a good thing. I know it's just because you can't reach your elbows to moisturize, but it looks like they're covered in flour. It's from a long day of

making treats. He stopped having them a while ago. At the cookie store. How about Tom? What kind of shit did Tom get into when he was a kid? Did you guys ever fight? She's been stressing that. Yeah, I've been really stressing about all the questions you're going to ask me about Thomas. Because we had a pretty standard...

No, you didn't. No. Well, I wasn't the weird one, I don't think. Were you the weird one? Right, so I was the third choice out of everyone in the family for Thomas to ask to come. Oh, I thought you meant choice out of everyone in the family for Thomas to ask to come. Everyone was the first. Oh, I thought you meant of, like, which kid your parents liked. No, no, no.

I was Thomas' third choice as to who was going to come here. Honored. Yeah. My sister, who was really the one that should be here, was the one that couldn't come. And then my dad couldn't come, so then he asked me. But I feel like Larissa would be the one. Larissa wouldn't remember shit either. Yeah.

I just can't think of anything. Tom, you told her that you were, hey, Dad and Larissa wouldn't remember shit either. Yeah, I just can't think of anything. Tom, you told her that you were, hey, Dad and Larissa can't do it. No, she overheard. Oh, no, I did tell you, didn't I? Yeah. No, I was like, oh, wow, I'd love to be your second choice. And you were like, no, I asked Dad, too. There's that time, do you remember

when Larissa bit you in Vegas? Yeah, she, yeah. Do you remember the time where bit you in Vegas? Yeah. Do you remember the time where I thought she had ripped out a chunk of your back? No. Is this the same as the biting in Vegas? Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Larissa, one time, I'm asking because I'm wondering if you still have a scar from it.

I guess you wouldn't know because it's on your back. But my little sister went through a biting phase. Sure. And one time I remember she clamped onto Sophie's back so bad. I remember my parents were trying to pull her off of Sophie's back.

And then I remember them finally unclatching her jaw. Oh, God. And then I remember seeing the teeth marks in your back. And then just blood pouring out. Like, it wasn't, there was no blood at first because she had such a hard grip on it. But, yeah, that was a memory I had.

And now every full moon you turn into the better sister. I think Larissa in Vegas was prime time in her life. Oh, she was fucking nuts. Yeah, dude, she got drunk at, like, she was like. Oh, she was fucking nuts. Yeah, dude. She got drunk at like... Oh, I forgot about this. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She was like, you should probably tell it. Oh, we should tell it together.

You know, Paul. I mean, she was probably four years old, right? Wait. At the oldest, yeah. She got drunk at four years old in Vegas. Are you sure this wasn't one of my mom's kids? I think she was more like three or something. She was really young.

Okay, more. But she could run around. Yeah, and our mom was reading us a book, and what our mom wasn't noticing is that she'd take a sip of wine, and then Larissa would just fucking down it, and she got like three glasses of wine, and she couldn't figure out why it was going

so quickly and it was because Larissa and I realized something was wrong when Larissa was like just like laughing and shitting herself licking olives off the floor something went wrong Larissa's behaving weird it's pizza night everyone should be having a good time

I remember like not on pizza night. Everyone should be having a good time. I remember like Not on pizza night, guys. This is a Gauss family tradition. It's a high holiday. It was me, you, and dad were on top on the second floor looking down at my mom chasing my little sister. And I remember I laughed

and my dad was like, shut up. You can't laugh right now. This is really serious. Yeah, he was really... Yeah, your guys' dad is up. Like, you can't laugh right now. Like, this is really serious. Yeah, he was really, yeah, yeah. Yeah, your guys' dad is terrifying. Again, he looks like he would try to kill the Terminator. His vibe. Like the guy that turns into the Abomination in the Edward Norton Hulk.

You know, he's just like a scary bald man who yells impossibly loud. Connor met dad when dad was mad at Shun for not picking up his room. Yeah, when dad's mad, it's really scary. Yeah, and then Shun said something like, why don't you vacuum yourself?

So dad was annoyed and Connor just immediately got in the car and was like, your dad is fucking terrified. But he's a really sweet guy. It's like we're talking about loose dust. I can only imagine when the report cards come home. Yeah. No, that was her mom was more about grades and shit.

She teaches or something. But yeah, no, shit. Let's see. What else? What other highlights? There were park days. I don't know if there's anything. Homeschooling.

Yeah. We were like the pioneers of LARPing. Yeah. No, we LARPed before there was LARP. Yeah. What were you guys LARPing? I feel like you guys just sword fighted and wasted a good pack of spaghetti. You guys have a way more fun lightsaber story than we did.

Yeah. Well, no. Well, Shun knocked out Larissa's front tooth. That wasn't with a lightsaber. It was a super soaker. Was she going with the butt? Melee attack? He fucking threw it.

What kind of Israeli army training is that? Shun also broke, when I was in ballet, he broke one of the moms he respected in the ballet studio. It was like the teacher's son, right? No, it was a mom. And he grabbed whatever toy was in his hand after she leaned down and was like, you're so cute.

He grabbed the toy and shoved it into her nose and broke her nose. He chucked it. Fuck. He like, there was blood everywhere. Yeah, yeah. I thought he didn't just, he like, okay, so. All of your siblings sound like they were raised by different wolves yeah larissa was up at the teeth and weird pharaoh

brady bush i thought he was gonna fucking be a baseball player because he had a fucking he would clock you out of nowhere he had a killer fucking arm he was just very violent as yeah well so was larissa she's still pretty violent. Yeah, that's true, huh? Yeah. Wait, what was Larissa's violent parent? Yeah, I can see why your parents got into Buddhism. It was like, we have to do something about our feral children. Yeah, we subscribe to the religion of everybody shut up.

Yeah, like really, it's like Thomas and Sophie, okay, and then Larissa and Shun. You sound like you should be from two separate families that merged. Yeah. Because Shun sounds like a kind of Chinese boat, and, you know, Larissa should not be a white Buddhist, you know, which is very strange. Yeah, Shun was named by a Buddhist president or something. Shun was named when the doctor sneezed and somebody got confused and wrote that down. What's a Buddhist president or something? Shun was named when the doctor sneezed and somebody got confused and wrote that down.

What's a Buddhist president? It's a president who's Buddhist. Oh, okay. It's like an organization and the leader of the organization is the one.

Is it like their pope kind of thing? Yeah. Never mind. Sorry. He doesn't get a cool hat. Do you know, does your,

fuck, did you also go to Japan? Recently. Okay, but not when Tom lived in Japan? No, that was by myself. No, that was pretty sick. That was Thomas' own thing. Why were you in Japan and no one else was? For Buddhist reasons, I don't know.

I was learning Japanese. Yeah, they wanted me to beat up Mothra. My mom wanted me to go to a university in Japan for college. She wanted all of us to go there. Yeah, she did. My mom's a little obsessed with the Buddhist stuff. And so she wanted – What's his name? Oh, a chill fat guy.

Yeah. I want to say Brendan. Yeah. Are they the Buddy Holly? No, that's not right. What's his deal? He loves flowers but like a specific one. I think it's some kind of like swamp rose.

Anyway, yeah, that guy. I fucking hate that guy. So yeah, she wanted me to get used to Japan and learn Japanese for when – actually, it wasn't even just the college. She wanted me to go to the boarding school in Japan. The high school in Japan. Which was affiliated... Yeah, we all went to Japanese Saturday school. I remember that.

We were homeschooled, but we went to Japanese Saturday school. Yeah, that was the only official school we went to was Japanese Saturday school for the longest time. Which, again, sounds like a band. Oh, fuck. I hated it there. I forgot all about that. What did they make you do in Japanese Saturday school? Learn Japanese.

In a very Japanese fashion. Weren't you ahead of me a grade somehow? No, I think we were the same level. Were we? I think so. Did Larissa go too? Yep. Yeah. I was guessing. I think so. I think we were the same level. Were we? I think so. Did Larissa go too? Yep. Yeah.

I was guessing. I think so. I think so. It was the only school I ever went to where people didn't think I had weird food. Wait, what would you eat? I don't really know. Just grass. Well, yeah, I was trying not to throw up.

What was Babel's? Yeah. Do you still speak any Japanese? No. I can pick up a little bit, but no. Do you any Japanese? No, I can pick up a little bit, but no Do you speak Japanese? No This school did not pay off

I could carry conversations I sounded like a fucking four year old, but I could carry conversations when I was in Japan I did some for the anniversary when we dropped that bomb on them. Oh, that one.

Wait, so when they sent you over the anniversary of that? I was there August 6th, and I was like the only American. But there were a lot of like Canadians and New Zealand. White people had nothing to do with it. Right. And they were all there, and I was there at the memorial and shit. I got to figure they just get mad at the fattest white person and assume they're american well that's fat man and or little boy okay yeah and i was i so i like helped my homestay father like

to translate for uh for the uh not like english to people on like what was going on and stuff. And yeah, no, it was... Okay, big boom. Some kind of vampire disease. No more fights, but not great. Yeah, no fights, but no hair. Now statue. Did you guys ever go to other countries? I did. I've been to other countries.

Where have you gone? I've been to Europe as well. Spain, France, and Italy. Oh, that's right. I forgot you did that been to other countries. Where have you gone? I've been to Europe as well. Spain, France, and Italy. Oh, that's right. I forgot you did that. We went separately. We never even talked about that. We didn't hang out for a couple years.

No, yeah. I had to take mom's side. What broke you apart? What's up? What broke you guys apart? We lost each other's phone numbers. Yeah. Choke on the mic a little bit. I have a weird sort of tumultuous relationship with my mom.

So it's sort of like, all right, well, if I'm not talking to her, I usually don't see this one that much. Yeah. I kind of have to side with her sometimes. Ah. Yeah. Nice. But what you mean, like, I know who's paying my phone bill. You know what story I was just thinking of from when we were kids? Do you remember the fucking, you throwing up at the soup plantation and the whole zombie

hustle? Yep. So I'll start it. You fucking asshole. You guys zombie hustle? Yep. Yeah. So I'll start it. You fucking asshole. Jump in. Your guys' stories are way more interesting. Jump in whenever you want to here. So how old were you when that happened? Probably about seven or seven.

Wait, can I ask when you drank your pee, how old were you then? That was before we started recording, actually. Yeah. Wait. No, I'm kidding. You were maybe like eight? Yeah. Yeah, around eight. Okay. You were maybe like eight? Yeah. Yeah, around eight.

Okay. Yeah, that was like prime Wiener boy era. But prime Wiener boy might be an episode title. Yeah. But so, no, so you were like seven years old, and we were going out to launch a soup plantation with these people from our church who were kind of the classy family, and they were very nice, and everyone wore their best suit or whatever.

And he got this really bad stomach virus and just projectile vomited everywhere in this soup plantation. Yeah, like on the way out of the soup plantation as well. My mom's dragging me by the back of my shirt, and I'm just leaving a snail trail on my house. It's like a broken fire hydrant. And then it was like super sick And right around this time we were all, me, you and the other one

We're super into like zombie movies And me and Topper thought it would be so funny to convince you That you were turning into a zombie And I remember for the first like two days You didn't believe us Like a normal person But then around day three you started buying it Well yeah maybe explain

How you sold it. Wait, which part? Where we said we were going to kill you with a baseball bat? No, where you were polishing a baseball bat. Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah. I was just polishing a bat when he walks into the room. He's like, are we going to go play baseball? I'm like, we're not doing anything.

You remember when you wrote the goodbye note, though? Oh, yeah. Yeah, he wrote notes for everyone in the family saying goodbye and saying he was sorry he was going to die and turn into a zombie. And then we finally told him. I think you kicked me in the nuts. The only cure, you have to drink your own piss. Again. It's the vaccine against the T-virus.

A week later, you kicked me in the nuts. You sucker attacked me so bad. I just wept in the middle of Lake Park. Yeah. Yeah. That was great. That was fun. Good times.

I puked where Jesus was baptized. What? That's fucking metal. What? Wow. That explains all our bad luck. That's where Tom was. Wait, can you explain this more?

So we were going, Jesus was baptized in Jordan. That's where I studied abroad. Oh, you went there. I think I told you the story. Oh, you might have, yeah. And so I was really hungover, and we were going to Jesus' baptized place. And it's like a very windy, in-the-mountains road road to get there and i get car sick really easily you see when she can't explain things it sounds better than when you can't explain things we're

going to the windy windy dandy uh fucking christland or whatever a windy road yeah it's a windy road and um yeah so i was really sick and then as soon as we stopped i had to throw up like i was waiting at the beginning of the bus and as soon as we stopped, I had to throw up. I was waiting at the beginning of the bus, and as soon as I got off the bus, it's where Jesus was baptized, so I just puked everywhere where Jesus was baptized. This is my contribution. Nice. It's almost like you was baptized twice. Well, everyone on the bus was like, thank you so much for not puking on the bus.

Yeah, fuck Jesus. Thank you for saying that. God, is there anything better than just an American just vomiting whiskey residue into like a holy fucking site? If you go there, it's really not like, it's pretty dumpy looking, it's not like Well, we invite you into our podcast studio

And you insult our lord and saviors weird river party It's not even, it's like there's like four inches of water left in it like there's just like moss Like there's the river next to it Well like there's like four inches of water left in it like there's there's like moss it's like

there's the river next to it well now there's five inches of water four inches of water and one inch of leftover fireball yeah

tequila oh gosh alright guys that was a fun trip down memory lane I think we'll be right back after something Lane. I think we'll be right back after some.

Ho, ho, ho. Keep up the pace, everybody. We've got a lot of presents to deliver to all the good little boys and girls. Hmm, weather's a little choppy. No matter. We have a job to do. On Dasher, on Dancer, on Prancer, on Vixen, on...

Oh no! We're going down! I'm alive! Oh dear, but the reindeer are dead. Where am I? I'm not familiar with this part of the world. Let's see. A lot of volcanoes. Bats the size of my sleigh flying around. And in the distance, is that a castle shaped like a skull?

Maybe this is that Middle East I've heard so much about. Wherever I am, I've got a bad feeling about it. Oh, thank heaven! Hello, little boy! I seem to have had an accident. Can you help me? Holy shit, are you Santa Claus? Such language!

You're liable to end up on the naughty list with a mouth like that. But yes, I am Saint Nicholas and I need your help. Oh man, he's gonna fuck you up so hard, dude. What? I don't understand. Nicholas, you corpulent sack of maggot fodder! You dare enter the realm of Karnak!

Oh, oh, holy guacamole! It's Karnak the Bloodfeaster! I warned you what would happen if you showed your face here again, you jiggling coward! Wait, hang on, Carnock, you know Santa? Indeed! Claus and I were once both a part of the Council of Legends,

a secret group of mystical beings that controlled the world beyond the eyes of men. All of the greatest myths of mankind united as one. We sat side by side along with Merlin, Father Time, Sasquatch, the Great Pumpkin, the Greater Pumpkin, the Female Orgasm, and that fucking pedophile, the Easter Bunny. We were brothers in arms, weren't we, Nicholas? Please, Karnak, try to understand. So, like,

what did he do to piss you off? Did he, like, steal a magical amulet or, like, try to overthrow your kingdom or something? You fucked my wife, Santa! It was 300 years ago, Karnak. Let the past go, please. You are in no position to make demands, portly cripple. Oh, Jesus, I don't want to die. Not like this. Oh, death will come in time, but it shall not be swift.

You have made a cuckold of the bloodfeaster, and now you shall pay the price. Your flesh shall be seared with strips of boiling steel until your carcass resembles one of your precious canes of candy. You will be waterboarded with orc piss. It shall fill your lungs and not a creature will hear your screams,

not even a mouse. Do you understand, fat man? I will deck your balls with blades of fury! K Carnock, wait. That's right. Listen to your elf. Ew, what? Elves are super lame-ass. I'm the Prince of Doom, dude. I've told you a hundred times you're not the prince of anything. This is not a

monarchy. On what grounds do you interrupt me as I prepare to enact upon the saint my most nefarious devil shit? Look at all these presents. All the kids on Earth are gonna be bummed as fuck if they wake up and they didn't get anything under the tree. Wait. So you're a Satanist delinquent who also believes in the magic of

Christmas. I don't know. I just like Christmas. Whatever. God. Dawson! You are as complex as you are irritating. Still, your sniveling pleas have caught the ear of the Bloodfeaster in a generous mood. Perhaps I could use a sliver of dark magic to ensure these parcels reach their destination.

Thank you, Krodnok. I knew under your dark and scary exterior there was a soft heart that knew the power of love and holiday cheer. Uh, dude, don't ruin it with all that queer shit. You have misjudged me! My magic is powerful enough to complete your work without your assistance. Taste the blade of Tagaroth! You fucking dick.

Look in my eyes, Nicholas. When the night is over, I shall return to your palace upon the northern pole. I shall burn the villages of your elves. I shall infect your reindeer stables with plague and laugh as they die screaming. And then I will corner Mrs. Claus. And I shall ram my thorn in cock right up Santa Claus' leg! Tight. Quickly, Dawson! Aboard the heretic's

sleigh! Wait, how are we gonna fly? The reindeer all fucking exploded. Oh, you're right! I'm sure the magic demon doesn't have a way to raise the dead! You don't have to be a dick about it, dude. Yeah, well, you don't have to be stupid, but that doesn't stop you. Fall in Furman! The bloodfeaster summons you to return in his service.

By the putrid swamps of Syphilopia, in the name of Karnak, I command you, rise! Dude, fuck yeah. Let's Jack Skellington the shit out of this. What? What is that? Oh, dude, it's this dope movie by Tim Burton, and it's all... No, Pess! Let us take flight!

You better not pout you better not cry your tears are in vain and you're all going to die carnot claws is coming to town he's got a kill list he's checked it twice slaughtering god and beheading your christ carnot claws is coming to town. And if he sees you sleeping, he'll scream till you're awake. Then make you watch while he fucks your dad with the sharp part of a rake. I'm bringing you death! I'm bringing you pain! A mountain of corpses to drive you insane!

Cardinal Claus is coming to town! Merry Christmas to all and to all a hot knife! And the Mean Boys podcast returns. We close out, as always, with a round of our favorite game,

Witch of the Following. This week, to keep it in the Christmas spirit, we are playing a game, which of the following things were not done by a man wearing a Santa Claus outfit? Very fun. I have Google Strange Crimes and General Bad Behavior by men in Santa outfits. So the way this game works, since you never listen,

I'm going to give you four things that somebody in a Santa outfit may have done. Three of them are real. One of them is fake. You have to figure out which one I made up. We'll do a few rounds of this. So round one, which of the following was not done by somebody dressed like Santa Claus? A. Robbed a Kentucky

fried chicken at knife point. B. Accidentally kidnapped an eight-year-old girl on a motorcycle. C. Had a bare-knuckle brawl with five Chicago police officers. Or D. Got caught masturbating in a bath in Body Works?

C, it's something my dad has done. Honestly, a lot of these things your dad might have done. Dude, we need to lasagna castrate these Santa Claus's. How do you accidentally kidnap someone on a motorcycle? Yeah, but I mean... Do they just fall on the motorcycle? I think maybe she stows away

in the sidecar, you know, trying to take a Snapchat picture. I do think Santas usually have sidecars on their motorcycles. Yeah, you gotta keep the gif somewhere. Try to imagine without just riding solo. It just doesn't fit. Pretty easy. It's very easy to do. I just imagined it. I held the picture in my mind. It's still

there. Well, you have a great imagination, sir. Thank you. Yeah. I'm gonna say that one. I'm realistic about things. Yeah, I'm gonna say that one. I'm realistic about things. Yeah, I'm saying the motorcycle one. Okay. Fuck. Um... Oh, I hope I... I hope just you're not right. Well, I was going to pick the motorcycle one. You still can.

I can. What was A? A was robbed a Kentucky Fried Chicken at Knife Point. I feel like that happens a lot. Ah, shit. Yeah, if you're gonna rob a KFC, you can't afford a lot. Ah, shit. Yeah, if you're going to rob a KFC, you can't afford a gun. Yeah. You're not passing a background check. I'm going to say masturbate in the bath of Body Works.

Okay. You don't get horny when you smell coriander? I mean, come on, everybody does. What the fuck is coriander? It smells like a DTF, like a 45-year-old woman in there. Oh, okay. Ooh, wow. Yeah, somebody's mom is kind of horny.

What was B? Not down with that smell. B was the motorcycle one. I'm going to go A because every KFC I've ever been into has bandit glass. I don't know how you rob a place with bandit glass with a knife. That's very true. Wait, what? Every KFC you've been to has bulletproof glass?

Pretty much. You live in Long Beach. Yeah, they're not all like that. Yeah. It's a whole new world. Yeah, I didn't even know you could open a KFC if it didn't used to be a bank first. Well, I figure you need the vault for the secret recipe

and the banded glass to keep the knives away. Sophie, your thoughts? I was going to go with the Bath and Body Works. You can double up. Yeah, that was my original guess. The correct answer, D. Santa did not get caught masturbating in a bath and body works.

God's family on the board. God damn it. G-unit. You're fired. Leave the house. All right. Round number two. Which of the following did a man in a Santa outfit not do?

A, handed customers and staff free marijuana at a Buffalo Wild Wings. B, gave a profane speech on his last day of work culminating in the phrase, quote, Sucks Santa's North Pole. C, roofied a dozen people at a German music festival. Or D, stole a helicopter in Brazil. C. Roofied a dozen people at a German music festival. Or D. Stole a helicopter in Brazil. Wow. Damn.

Three of these are real. Everybody gets roofied at a German music festival. I feel like Germans probably do a fucking lot of that for some reason. Recreate just by themselves at home? I think I'd roofie myself if my grandpa was a Nazi

from time to time. It'd be nice to sleep. That's fair. The forget shit post. What were the first three? Gave out free marijuana at a Buffalo Wild Wings. Gave a speech

on his last day of work that ended with Suck Santa's North Pole and then roofied a dozen people at a German music festival. Stole a helicopter in Brazil. It's too funny. But I feel like that's real.

So I'm going to say the first one. Okay. Buffalo Wild Wings. Top. I'm going to say B because Suck My North Pole sounds like something you'd write into a sketch, but they all sound real. I feel like Keith would have a layer more fucking complexity than Suck My North Pole. Not for which of the following, though, because he's trying to keep it simple enough for us to have the deniability.

You see, this is a game, not a sketch. Yes, that's what I'm saying. Yeah, after I corrected you. I don't even remember what I said, so I think you just won. Also, where am I? Trick question, no way. Scott, is there anything? My mind is looking worse these days There's a lot of spiders in my subconscious

I'm gonna have to go see We're gonna see what the roof is I also think it's North Pole As well The North Pole Okay the Goss family is sticking together I'm going to go with the Brazil.

Okay, well you're a damn fool because the correct answer is Sucks Santa's North Pole. You left me motherfucker. We need to split up. No, we were a family and you ruined it. That Santa stole the helicopter in Brazil and then met up with two other dudes also

dressed like Santa. Did this happen at the time of Christmas? Did they steal planes? Did it happen at the time of Christmas? I don't totally remember. I've never been less surprised that Tom can so get into the mind of a belligerent, fat person who works for two months out of the year at most. This is exactly who you are. All right. Round number three.

Which of the following? Santa. Santa. A. Told a little girl that number one name on the naughty list was Hillary Clinton. B. Robbed a bank in St. Nicholas, Florida.

C. Gave children a graphic explanation of what happened during the Sandy Hook shooting. Or D. Was arrested for trying to burn down a synagogue. Ooh, shit. Oh, man. Fuck. That last one is an early sketch from the podcast

that we did with the anti-Semitic Santa. Oh, I forgot about that. Did you? Did you? This is tough. St. Nicholas, Florida. That's got to be real. It'd be weird if you...

Did you guys live near St. Nicholas, Florida when you lived in Florida? I don't even remember. We lived in Kissimmee. I don't to be real. It'd be weird if you... Did you guys live in there, St. Nicholas, Florida, when you lived in Florida? I don't even remember. We lived in Kissimmee. I don't know where St. Nicholas is. You lived on a Star Wars planet in Florida? Yeah, we lived in fucking Yoda's house. Okay, fucking... But instead of those weird bat things, it was just like angry

Puerto Ricans. That's pretty much what it was. And alligators. Yeah. And instead of an X-Wing being in the swamp, it was our car got taken by the bank. Wait, are you also part Samoan? No, that's my dad's son. Yeah. And instead of an X-Wing being in the swamp, it was our car got taken by the bank. Wait, are you also part Samoan? No, that's my dad's son. Okay. Yeah.

So you're part Boulder? Your dad is a continent? Your uncle's like the moon or something I'm an enigma man Okay I'm going to say the last one I forgot I forgot I retained nothing

A was told a little girl That Hillary Clinton was on the naughty list B was robbed a bank in St. Nicholas, Florida Do you guys want little girl that Hillary Clinton was on the naughty list. B was robbed a bank in St. Nicholas, Florida. Do you guys want to bet that when Tom was fluent in Japanese, that they were just nodding at him in fear? He sounded like a broken robot. C was gave children a graphic explanation of what happened during the Sandy Hook shooting.

D was got arrested trying to burn down a synagogue. Okay. I'm gonna go I'm gonna go D, even though that seems like seems like some more on Christmas shit they'd pull off. But I know a couple of these are real. So it's between D and a different one. So

okay. Yeah. I gotta go see. Yeah, the Sandy Hook one. Yeah, that seems too outside of Santa's jurisdiction. Fucking not The Sandy Hook one That seems too outside of Santa's jurisdiction Fucking Sandy Hook Ho ho hide Was D that he actually did it Or tried to

He got arrested for trying You don't see D was arrested for trying to burn down a synagogue It's not that hard to burn down a synagogue, guys. I'm perfect so far. I hate when you dance, and I also hate that you turn it into a fun Christmas song. Yeah. All right, here's my favorite part of this whole game.

Round number four, which of the following? You're going to break another fucking chair. I didn't break any chair. Hang on. I'll get it later. You're realizing how few joint movements you're capable of? I don't want to not... You poorly constructed Chinatown action figure.

Yes, yes. Round number four. Which of the following did Santa not do? All murder edition. Oh, yay. A. Drunkenly hit a homeless man with his car, then hid the body in his garage. Real. B. Shot eight people at a holiday party and burned

the house down. C. Beat a 74-year-old woman to death with a 2x4. Or D. Stabbed a priest in the head at a Christmas parade. C. Although the head, a very hard place to stab. You gotta really want it.

There are sockets of soft. I feel like... I've done research. Yeah, I know the entry points. You gotta really want it. There are sockets of soft. I've done research. Yeah, I know the entry points. It's like the Death Star. You just gotta be careful. I used to practice on rats.

Anyway, I'm gonna say whatever B was and be right. The head. The face. You could stab someone in the face, of course. But the head. Yeesh. I mean, it's doable. The face is on the head. I someone in the face, of course. But the head. Yeesh. I mean, it's doable. The face is on the head.

I think of the face as a... I think of the head as everything. Your head is this. I think your head starts right around here and ends at the forehead. That's inaccurate. I'm not debating fucking head geography with you. A. Drunkenly hit a homeless man with his car that hit the body in his garage. B, shot eight people at a holiday party and burned the house down.

C, beat a 74-year-old woman to death with a 2x4. Or D, stabbed a priest in the head at a Christmas parade. I'm saying C. Okay. Fuck. I don't want to lose my perfect game.

A lot of pressure. Yeah, and I'm really not sure on this one. God, I know I should have looked up more Santa murders. We'll throw over here what you think about it. Sophie, what are you thinking? I'm thinking D, but I also really don't know. Okay. This is a hard one.

Yeah. I'm between A and B. Okay. I think you're like a double D, dude. Oh, God. It's so wonderful having somebody fatter than me in the studio. Do you hear how half-heartedly I was just like, okay, well. I have to do it.

He said two of the boob letters. I got to fucking spice this up a little bit. You got to throw some tapatio on it. The boob letters. I'm going to go B. You're going with B? What's that feminist play? The boob letters. I'm going to go B. You're going with B? What's that feminist play, the boob letters? Can I hear A one last time?

Drunkenly hit a homeless man with his car, then hid the body in his garage. I am going to go... What did you guys pick? B. You picked D. I picked C. I'm going to go C. C. The correct answer.

A. He did not drunkly hit a homeless man with his car and had to buy it in the garage. Blew the perfect game. He did. He whiffed it, my dude. Still beating the shit out of me, though. Did anyone get that? Did you get that?

No one got it. No one got it. Yeah. Well done, Keith. And finally, round five. God damn it. That means he stabbed someone in the one got it. Yeah. Well done, Keith. And finally, round five. God damn it. That means he stabbed someone in the head. Yeah.

Yeah. Like, just threw the top and then just ran. What did he stab him with? He said it was at a parade, too. A knife. Yeah, it was in the middle of a parade. What did he stab him with? It could have been an ice pick or something.

It wasn't. It was a knife. Ice picks are much better for stabbing people in the head. Do you speak from experience? No. I just, the shape and then you can get a lot more torque on it, so there's more power. It does make sense. I feel like that is.

It's how I'm. Yeah, it makes sense. I don't like it, but. How did I. Yeah, we heard about someone dying this way. It was Frida Kahlo's lover. Yeah, some French guy. And then he was part of the communist.

Got it. Yeah. Leon something. Yeah, some French guy, and then he was part of the communist. Got it. Yeah. Leon something. A French communist with the ice pick. Okay. It's a weird game of Clue we're playing here. Do you think they were just trying to separate his unibrow with the knife? It slipped a little bit. And finally,

round number five. Are these all real or all fake? A. Urinated off a ledge and into a stroller. B. Stole a city bus in Detroit saying he was, quote, going to Vegas. C. Was arrested for selling a bootleg copy of Star Wars The Force Awakens to an undercover cop.

Or D. Got in a knife fight with a man dressed as Jesus. Ooh, I'm gonna say all fake. I'm gonna... say all fake. I'm going to... Ah, shit. You're saying all fake, I'll go all real. Okay. Fake.

Fake. Fake. Fake! Fucking fake! All real. Two reals and two fakes. The correct answer, those are all fake. Yeah. Boom. Made them all up. Because you're running out fakes. The correct answer, those are all fake. Fuck. Yeah. Boom. Made them all.

Because you're running out of Santa stories by the end, so the more likely it's going to be fake. That's exactly right. Oh, man. You and your brain shit really panned out. Yeah. Somebody's never been ice-picked. You got more than all of us.

I know, but I was going off intuition in Keith's Twitches, so I don't know. It's not a poker game. You can't read the Twitch. Well, you know, Tom insists that everyone not a poker game. You can't read the Twitch. Tom insists that everyone has a tell and that he can find it. Yeah, everyone does, but it's not always... And he's like, you have a tell. I'm not telling you what it is. And I'm like, shut up.

You have a what? A tell, like a poker tell. Like when you can tell they're lying. Oh, okay. Yeah. All right, well, that was Witch of the Following, Santa fucking Death Party. Yeah, and I was Which of the following Santa Fucking death party Yeah and I was right

The first And then on the The one I got wrong Keith changed up his tell Or you didn't He didn't No I No I did nothing differently

No you did But you don't realize it Tom I don't Forgive me for not buying That you're a master Of observational analysis When you fucking

I'm good at poker You failed to open A candy cane That you did not know How you came failed to open a candy cane that you did not know how you came into possessing. A candy cane cannot lie. That's very different. Well, yeah, you just

you had a candy cane in your pocket that you didn't know where it came from. The candy cane cannot lie. The elf did not die. And that's why I don't think you're the fucking monk

of interrogating people. Okay, all right. Maybe I'm the house then. What does a monk have to do? No, he's the house. You're like fucking monk of interrogating people. Okay. All right. Maybe I'm the house then. There you fucking monk. What does a monk have to do? No, he's the house. You're like a condo. All right.

That was a Scottish joke. We'll be right back after this. Well, guys, Burrito Santa is getting here in about 18 minutes, so we have to do this quick. The show is brought to you by Don Carlos Taco Shop in La Jolla, California. The purveyors of the finest Mexican food that you can currently purchase with money that it's not based in. Oh, hang on. Somebody's at the door. Somebody's at the door. Let me get it.

Hello. I am Burrito Krampus. What's up? That's it. I'm not going to do a whole thing about it. I just thought it'd be funny. Nice. Go to eataburrito.com for more information. It's located conveniently near the La Jolla Comedy Store, so go get yourself some laughs, get yourself some fucking food, and just go there because they sponsor us and it's really good.

Yeah. And burrito like a ninja. Quang. I'm named after Keith Richards from the Rolling Stones. Topper's named after the drummer from The Clash. He's named after a dude named Scott. We knew him. I'm dead serious.

What is your uncle, right? Scott or Scottish? No, he was my dad's, like, he was in my dad's gang. Oh, is that what that was? Yeah, he was in my dad's gang. His nickname in the gang was Scottish because he was Scottish. Oh. And he was assassinated.

Holy shit. For going on television. Whoa, wait a minute. Okay. First of all, yeah. Mean Boys is back. We're keeping what we were just talking about. Yeah. When we throw back, because this is an insane thing I didn't know. first of all yeah Mean Boys is back we're keeping what we were just talking about

yeah when we throw back because this is an insane thing I didn't know so do you know the story of what I kind of sort of spilled a lot of that dude's ashes in my room

uh no what why did you have his ashes that's a great question somehow they ended up in my room when we lived in Florida and I low key was like looking for something

up in the top of the closet and just knocked it over and just like it hit the ground and just went I dust busted it hit the ground and just went... I dust busted it and I got most of it back in there. But there's definitely a little bit of them that I just kind of breathed.

Wow. That's why you have a racist ghost inside of you. I just found out that man whose ashes I breathed was an assassinated gang member. That he was named after. Yeah. Wow. Ironically enough,

that gang, which we'll go ahead and not say on air, is part of Mean Boys mythology. I'll explain to you later. Oh, okay. Well, yeah, I mean, and then like you guys,

you and your brothers were all named after different heroin addicts. That's what we were talking about. Yeah, yeah. Was it because they were heroin addicts? Yeah, we were just

fans of the art. No, it just happened to work out that way. My parents were drug people, but it was like just the people we idolized end up being... Yeah, three different dads, though. I'm also named after a serial killer.

Are you? Yeah, my middle name. Wait. Your middle name is Henry because of Henry Lucas? Yes. That's insane. Yeah. Oh, my God.

How are you not a nightmare? Yeah. Why are you so smiley? I thought you were a baker. Yeah. Oh, what's his secret ingredient, guys? Yeah, my name's Hitler Dahmer Kill You Guy and I'm the friendliest man in the world.

Holy fucking shit. I just drink my piss. It fills me with joy. Alright, on that note, let me voice mailbag. We got a voicemail just now. Oh, did we? Hey, guys. voicemail back. We got a voicemail just now. Oh, did we? Yeah. Oh, let's hit it. Hey, guys.

That dude on Twitter. I've been following the show since the Garrett episode. I appreciate you guys a lot. What dude? Question for Kiva's sister. Can we get an extended version of what happened with the snake that went missing? Sorry. Kiva's sister.

Yeah, we got a few people asking about the snake. I wasn't even living. There's a little bit more to it. Oh, sorry. Yeah, we got a few people asking about the snake debacle. I wasn't even living. There's a little bit more to it. Oh, okay. Also, for you guys, goals for 2018, I guess, would be an applicable thing for this week. Love the show. I might be your most normal fan.

I'm actually kind of willing to bet on that, so don't disappoint me. Okay, well that means that he's only not allowed in a couple 7-Elevens. So yeah, what happened? Yeah, because your sister's snake went missing. Your snake or Larissa's snake? No, this is the wrong... I wasn't even living

at home, so I'm not the person to ask. Yeah, she was working at a national park. She just moved back in around... A BLM. A what? Never mind. in. A BLM. What? What's a BLM? Bureau of Land Management. It's different than national parks. I kind of thought you said booby alum.

I don't know what that is. It sounds like an element. It's just a different. Like a glowing rock with a nipple. Yeah, I mean, that story was pretty much, yeah, Sophie wasn't loving Larry yet. I just moved back in, and Larissa was just like, hey, have you seen...

God, what's his name? Glenn. Have you seen Glenn? And I was like, who the fuck is Glenn? Who the fuck names a snake Glenn? We also named our guinea pig Gandalf and our bird Loki. Like, Glenn is a very different... And I was like, what the fuck is Glenn? And she goes,

my python. I go i go no you need to find that before dad finds out because he's gonna freak the fuck out he finds that you lost your python and uh yeah and then i was like how did you lose it and she was like i don't know he escaped and she for sure just got high while cuddling. She puts the snake in her bed while doing her homework and shit. She brings it to yoga in the park. Are you serious? That's some fucking psycho shit. Does the snake do yoga?

Yeah, she does yoga with the snake. The snake's like, skinny hardwood. What are our goals for 2018? That was the other part of that. I don't know get out of debt and become a podcasting libertine superstar revolutionary

fucking cool guy I guess I don't know try not to make more debt I'm now in debt I think I'm going to be able to figure something out though where I'm not but yeah there's a problem with the insurance company. So that might be an easily achievable goal.

But I also haven't thought about what I want to do for 2018. Yeah, I've never been like a big sort of like set goals, like New Year's resolution kind of person. Every time I do it, then you have something to be disappointed that you didn't do. I didn't do anything. I didn't do this, this, and this. I did all this other cool shit, but I didn't do the thing on my list. I'm just like, I'm going to keep fucking rocking and having fun.

Oh, Jesus Christ. It's metal. We're looking at the snake. This is a really upsetting photo. The yoga pose. Okay, fuck all of that. We're basically looking at a lady This is a really upsetting photo. All right, let me see. The yoga pose, right? And then the snake. Yeah, okay, fuck all of that. Yeah, we're basically looking at a lady doing weird circus tricks in a public park while a snake turns into her face.

It, like, protects her. Yeah. That's Larissa. She looks like a mini boss in, like, a video game from the 90s. She can start whipping fucking cobras at you. She's just, like, waiting for people to throw loose hay pennies at her in the 20s. Yeah, I think two years ago, I was on the road a fuck ton. Yeah.

Yeah, because I went on the road. I had a bunch of one-nighters and I had a five-week trip and a three-week trip. And then also just a shit ton of one-nighters and stuff. And last year, I didn't really go on the road much. And I think next year I want to be on the road more. And that's not really – that's just a thing I want to do.

Yeah. Well, we've got to be doing that. Yeah. No, it just kind of fell – Fill out that Google form, guys. Yeah. Help Tom's goals come true. Yeah.

You could be the thing that gives me – was it New Year's solution? Nope. So thank you. Do you guys have goals for Mean Boys? Well, Keith wants to get his teeth from gummy bear back to like a solid Pez type consistency. It's not bleeding from the mouth. Nah, it's not really a Mean Boys goal.

Yeah, I don't know. It's not a brand. It's literally our merchandise is me bleeding from the mouth. I want you to stop doing it too. I don't know. I like the taste. Mean Boys goals, I guess, just to be a big, cool podcast. I don't know. We had Patreon goals, and we've already... We've reached both of them.

Yeah, by the way, we beat our $1,000 goal today. Thanks, guys. Thank you guys so much. Again, we make as much as someone with the GED now every year. Yeah, but I mean, I think we definitely have ideas for expansion. Somebody else asked about something very similar in the Twitter stuff. We have stuff we want to do. We have some plans.

We don't want to necessarily tip our hand on all of that yet because we're still figuring out what we can do, what we need to wait a little bit on. Yeah, we always want to do video sketches. We always want to actually film the show, which will probably happen sooner or later. We might make an announcement about that soon. We wrote a TV show. It's really funny. We want to sell that. And I think we have a shot at that.

I think that will go well. Maybe. Who knows? But it's great. I like it. So who gives a fuck? I mostly just want to keep making cool shit. Yeah, we want to keep – and look, I just want to – yeah, I like the coolest thing

is people listening to Mean Boys and just fucking tweeting weird shit at Tom that he doesn't remember saying. Oh, yeah. Nothing brings me more joy than Tom being mildly famous to like 2,500 people. It's really weird because every week someone references something I say on the podcast, and every week I go, I have no fucking clue what they're actually talking about. And we didn't in real time as it was happening. Yeah.

So to like go back in time and try to remember what weird – Yeah, what did I say about dogs? Like it's a – but it's pretty – it's cool. Like it's a cool feeling. It's just weird. It's weird, but you guys are awesome. Yeah. Yeah, it would be cool to, you know, pair right with the show, which we're already – you guys, you're there.

Yeah. Yeah, I'm almost there. I have walls, so it's a little harder. You know what I want to do? I want to finish editing my play this year. Nice. Okay. this year. Nice. Okay. Good call.

Yeah. There's a lot of fire in it. Neat. Grant Baxter on Twitter asks, what was the best and worst Christmas gift you've ever received? You have that really funny one about mom at the library? Yeah. One year, this is like two years ago i told my mom i

was going to go to the library to get a book uh and she goes okay and then i couldn't i was like ah fuck i can't because i got a thing and then i go the next day the book is checked out i go oh man now i can't get the book uh a couple like a week later is Christmas, and I opened my gift for my mom, and it is the library book I told her I was going to go get. But I had to, like, the receipt was in it because I had to return it too.

So it was a Nietzsche book. Nothing's ever been more appropriate. Yeah, you learned the message before you even opened it yeah so it was like like yeah so it was a very weird like you just gave me a trip all you got me was an extra trip to the library yeah because she beat me to the library to get me the book and then i didn't tell me not to go get it. Then I got it. And then when I first Yeah, we got it.

Yeah, Tom, we got it. His eyes just went four different directions trying to track that sentence. And then when I first got it, I was like, I got it, but you told the getter not to get the got and then Tom, I got you. Well, at first I was like, oh, this is... I'm like, this is fucking awesome. You bought me this book and she's like,

oh, I didn't buy it And then I like saw the library sticker on it Yeah yeah It was pretty funny You guys know Shaggy he hangs out with that cat in the murder mobile Fixing crimes I uh Fuck did I tell this story about the uh

The Shrek thing Was that on the bonus content or was that on the regular show I don't know I don't think so Okay well I'll tell it. I know I've told it. Oh, yeah. Okay, I do know this one. Yeah.

Your dad did this. This isn't a Christmas one, but it's the best gift or best worst gift I ever got. My 16th birthday, I had a party at Bucca di Beppo, and I had like – Bucca di Beppo. You already remember what this is. And so like a bunch of my friends are there and then my mom and then my stepdad who is Scottish's dad who not a terribly huge fan of me and him have an awkward history. But I'm opening presents and everything like makes sense and is fine. And then he hands me a box to unwrap and I unwrap it and it is a Shrek branded Chia Pet.

I was like, why did you purchase this for me? I don't know. I thought you liked Shrek. I'm like, it was fine. And this was not even like at the height of Shrek mania. We were between Shreks. This is like, this is a Shrek cold beer. This is after Shrek 2.

This is a Shrek 1 branded chia pet. And then he goes, wait, I got you another thing. And I unwrap it. And it's a box of Shrek branded Twinkies. I was like, okay. You clearly went to the 99 cent store. And they're trying to unload some Shrek merch. And I was trying to be like not a dick about it.

But I was like, what is this? I remember the worst gift I ever gave someone Comedia No Not that good When I was in 6th grade It was my first year actually going to a public school And we did like Secret Santa And we did the one where you give a gift every day of the week

And then the big gift at the end You did it too right Journey I've done Secret Sure You give a gift every day of the week and then the big gift at the end. You did it too, right? Journey? I've done secret. Sure. Cool. I refuse to contribute.

Tom, I don't care. There's a real tall kid I had. Just tell the goddamn story. Can you fucking hear me? Somebody fucking detailed. Yeah, I remember he had pink shows. Actually, they were his feet. He was a girl and this was a jail.

He was very nice. And one day... Bo Fisher. Yeah, Bo! Can we bleep out that last name? Sure, sure. That's fine. Yeah, it's Bo. And then I forgot one of the days I was supposed to get him a gift. And so I just ran to the garage and I'm like, oh, fuck.

Dad, what can I... What do tall gay dudes like? What can I give him? I don't know, a dick and a ladder? I was like, what can I give him? I was like, can I use this? And it was, my dad's a sculptor. And it was just like, it was a, I might have told this before.

It was a clay foot. It was a clay foot. It was a clay foot, and I was like, Dad, are you using the clay? Or can I use like a slab of clay? He's like, no, the slab of clay I'm going to use to build shit, but that's already partially used. You can have the clay foot. And so I just put the clay foot into a bag, put some stuff in it. And then I watched everyone open up like, oh, my favorite kind of candy. Oh, it's a Game Boy game.

And then Bo just picking up a clay foot in the middle of class and staring at it. And him just raising his hand hand going, I have a question about my gift. And the teacher's like, oh. He's like, I don't know if the gift is the clay or the gift is the foot. And the most

upsetting part is when you got three chances to guess who the secret Santa was. Oh, guess what? First guess, he knew it was me. Because I gave him a clay foot. I have never...

I also gave him yarn one of the days. One year, my grandma got half the kids in the family these puzzle boxes that had 50 bucks inside. So they're all trying to figure out how to open the boxes and it's like a little trick or something you know and then everyone figures out and gets their 50 bucks and me and my cousin dylan just got these like traditional scottish hats with like our family like tartan on it and we're just like sitting there in our hats watching

everyone like fucking play with their cool boxes they can keep their credit cards in and put their 50 bucks in their wallet we're just like oh yeah but we got these hats dude and my aunt got me this like windbreaker pullover like fucking rich kid jacket that i'm just like i'm never gonna be on a boat i don't need this it's why i've never worn anything resembling this what what you've seen me wear is germs t-shirts and women's clothing and you decided to give me a winklevoss fucking collection windbreaker thing. So I was just like, what do you want with me? Someone also gave me a Shake Weight one year. And we haven't taken an Instagram of this wine? I don't know where it is.

I didn't want it. Okay. So they offered you a Shake Weight. No, I gave it to someone else. When was this? This was when I was at Saddleback. When was that? It was probably like your first year of LFA.

All right, next question. I have bike cheese. Wait, do you have the Shake Weight? No. Did I give it to you? Oh, I thought that's what you were asking. What the hell am I going to do with a Shake Weight? I don't know what anyone does with a Shake Weight.

Shakes it. Next question. Shake, Shake, Shake. No, no, shut up. Actually, I'm going to do this one. At Pat Ormsby XC asks, which one of you is more disappointed in your sibling? Oh, between you and Tom? Between these two.

Oh, yeah, yeah. I'm really proud of her no i know i bet which of them are more are you disappointed in tom no i think this is pretty dope okay wow yeah he got out you should tell your face yeah fuck yeah this is glamorous you know i mean we both did all right yeah we're fine neither of you are on heroin yeah two out of three i do uh my mom will be upset that i'm saying this so i'm kidding uh but i do wish i had like a sibling to kind of take the pressure off me because like i wish there was one normal one then i could be the wacky one yeah but i'm the wacky one and i'm the only one

so i feel bad like ah what's going on connor that's who i wrote this script about a kid that makes friends with the devil it's not really really the devil, but he does devil shit. You know what you could do is make children, and then you have your parents take care of it, and that would put pressure off. Yeah, I don't have a clay foot to start with, and I couldn't get the whole child made. Just brainstorming for you? I've got to feed them a little bit of lightsaber piss to complete the golemization process. Oh, you could just steal a child and give it to your parents? No, I'm not going to have kids for

a long time. No, I'm saying make them for your dad and mom. So you think I should have a kid and then make them raise it? That'll fix our relationship? Yeah. It's worth a try. No, it's not. It's a try with

life-altering consequences. Does your mom listen to the podcast? She does, yeah, every week. Oh, cool. Just trying to help Connor, Miss McSpadden. I know. Mrs. McSpadden. Make sure you weren't trying to get fresh with Connor's mom.

Yeah, just in case you thought she was an independent woman. I acknowledge that you are owned. Okay, independent Mrs. McSpad. I don't know why I keep looking up. She's not dead. We're on the roof. My mom doesn't need no man. She hyphenates her last name.

She's cool. Oh, really? Yeah. I'm not going to ask about her actual last name. Well, I'll give you a hint. Part of it's McSpad. Okay. That's pretty much it for the good questions.

Okay. Yeah. Cool, guys. Sophie, you got anything to plug? Any shows coming up? Don't tell them where to find you What? If you want

Instagram or Twitter followers Give out your handle No, I don't like people following me on my Instagram Alright If you like Scottish, check them out Start with those hot meatballs Yeah, come down to Ikea I can give you a florg You'll find out if you like Scottish, check him out. Serve him those hot meatballs at the Ikea. Yeah, come down to Ikea. I can give you a florg.

What is a florg? You'll find out if you come to Ikea. It's either like a sandwich or a table. It's maybe both, maybe neither. Okay. Maybe something going on under the table. I don't like your riddles. Yeah, I was about to say.

You're like a real chill troll. Yeah. All right, cool. Do we have anything we need to plug? Not really. This is a Tuesday. Yeah. Yeah.

Then January 2nd, I'll be at the live. Now is not the time. I love when Tom reaches up in the air trying to catch the thought. I'll be at the live. What is when now? Yeah. Live now is not the time at Harvail's. Live now is not the time. Yeah,ils. Live now is not the time.

Yeah, me and Tom. Every Wednesday, go to Carmen Bar in Laguna de Gala. If you're one of... No one really lives down there. Sorry. Go ahead, Keith. This comes out Tuesday. Thursday, this comes out.

I'm headlining at the La Jolla Comedy Store. Come out and see me. We can go to Don Carlos before or after because it's literally across the street. We've been talking about it for two years. Let's fucking burrito it up, dudes. Yeah, on the horizon, February 9thth i'm in muskegee oklahoma if that means anything to you contact me and i'll figure out how to get you tickets to that uh throckmorton theater in mill valley february 27th and uh haunted hotel fucking returned to

the me of the place uh march 2nd uh the hotel luger in mckimney hill where we met an author that uh met a couple presidents and Mikhail Gorbachev and shit and was just like I don't know what the fuck I'm doing here either, dude. I want to go do that in a hotel again. That was a fun show. I'll see if we can figure it out. Yeah, that's it. Fuck everything. God is dead. Bye.