Mean Boys - EP 101 - Buttulingus (feat. Ramsey Badawi)

Starting point is 00:00:00 Hey everybody, it's Connor, Keith, and Tom from the Mean Boys Podcast. First show of the year, back in the saddle. How's it going? Thanks everyone for fucking donating to the Patreon. We hit that goal. You guys are getting six shows this month. Six shows, that's crazy. You sexy, sexy fucks.

Starting point is 00:00:13 Thanks for leaving us a review on iTunes. We got a whole fucking bunch of them. I don't know which one is the least horrible I should read. This one says, A new source of all my joy. On the surface, it's a handful of dudes in a shack. I like that it's been described as a shack. Disguising their sorrow with jokes about dead kids.

Starting point is 00:00:29 No one's disguising anything. Dig a little deeper and you'll find it's the same thing, only superbly enjoyable. So thank you, Chaim. I think it's Chaim. It's C-H-A-I-M. Yeah, it's Chaim. Chaim. Thanks, Chaim.

Starting point is 00:00:42 Yeah. Mazel Tov or whatever. I'm going to call you Jew Jaime. Oh, man. Please fill out the door sheet. It's in our Twitter bio. You can find out what cities we're coming to. Spoiler alert, not Jerusalem.

Starting point is 00:00:55 Yeah, we're bringing Ramsey for that one. We've got to get a passport for Tom, which is more difficult than it even sounds. I think mine's expired. Tight. So thanks for listening. We love you. I think mine's expired. Tight. So thanks for listening. We love you. No guests this week, just us. And Ramsey.

Starting point is 00:01:10 And Ramsey. I forgot. My bad. Sorry. As we're watching him make lunch. Yeah. He's cooking chicken just being dissed by us. Yeah, come to his live show, Now's Not the Time.

Starting point is 00:01:24 Harvel's and Longbeat's January 2nd. Link for that will be in the show notes, so please go watch that. It'll be a lot of fun, and enjoy today's show. Just us boys. Hey, everybody. Welcome to the Mean Boys Podcast. It's January 2nd and you've already broken every resolution. I'm Keith Carey. I'm Connor McSpadden.

Starting point is 00:01:53 I'm Tom Goss. And I'm... Cool Saddam. Who told you the name of my pilot? Cool Saddam. Saddam, the early... Yeah, I haven't watched the shit out of Ramsey, but that represents Saddam Saddam the early Yeah I would watch The shit out of Ramsey Badaj Presents Saddam High school years

Starting point is 00:02:06 Just skateboarding Past the line of People you're shooting And pushing into A shallow grave Fucking DeGrasse Which is a joke You did I think

Starting point is 00:02:14 A million years ago Back on the mics guys It feels good First Mean Boys of 2018 Yeah we're recording In 2017 Yeah Don't worry about it

Starting point is 00:02:23 Woohoo Ramsey Badaj is in the studio. How are you doing, Ramsey? I'm doing great, man. Thanks for letting me sit in. I appreciate it. Please tell everyone what you did for Arab Christmas. Oh, for Arab Christmas, I played Backgammon with my father for eight hours.

Starting point is 00:02:36 Backgammon's fun. Backgammon is really fun. We did a podcast. We did a Monopoly game that people listened to the entire thing of, which I don't understand. You know what? Bonus for Patreon. I'm going to podcast my father and I playing backgammon. There's all these shows on iTunes, and I always see them on New and Noteworthy.

Starting point is 00:02:52 It's like, I talk to my mom about pussy. And it's like, well, but just you and your dad just about gay people every week. Yes, absolutely. Yeah, but it goes in. Why? It goes out. That's where it goes out. That goes in.

Starting point is 00:03:03 It's a broken machine, Ramsey. We did get into a conversation where he was like, well, you know, when humans were walking around with dinosaurs, it was a lot simpler. He was very much like... Nobody was ever gay with a dinosaur. How do you... He just genuinely believes that dinosaurs and people were the same size and walked around.

Starting point is 00:03:25 So he believes that the past, like 3,000 years ago was just Pacific Rim. I'm converting to Islam tomorrow. 80-foot caveman just decking up rhinosaurs. Here's what's really funny is he'll hit you with sort of a logic that will make you feel retarded for not agreeing. He'll be like, yeah, their humans were

Starting point is 00:03:42 the same size as dinosaurs. Well, then the dinosaurs would just kill the humans if they were much bigger. Yeah, of course. Yes, you're right. I think you think about it for 30 seconds. You're like, wait a minute. No, you're a dumb idiot. I mean, they're elephants.

Starting point is 00:03:55 They're bigger than us. Yeah. You know what I mean? You know. I like the idea that we were going to convince Tom that dinosaurs are humans. This is the last meme, boys. I'm starting a science podcast with Tom and Ramsay's father.

Starting point is 00:04:07 How is it getting warmer? It's cold right now. I guess with his logic, all the whales were bigger than all the dinosaurs. I never try to dig deeper. It's not worth it. There's no pot of gold at the end of that, right? That's how I am with my dad when he talks about chemtrails and shit like that.

Starting point is 00:04:23 Oh, your dad's into chemtrails? Nothing could be less shocking. How did you manufacture that surprise? It's hard to... It's weird because some of the things he predicts then ends up happening. The whole NSA thing he's been saying they were spying for

Starting point is 00:04:38 you know what I mean? That's not a hard prediction. There's other stuff where I'm like, I don't know about that. He's very convinced that there's going to be a fake alien attack that's orchestrated by the military as a false flag thing. So that we can... So to deal with... Invade space.

Starting point is 00:05:00 I don't think we needed an attack, yeah. Oh, you want to have your space space invaded Hang out with Ramsey's family Or are they going to pull a watchman Where they're like oh an alien attacked us Everybody's friends now let's fight the alien I would probably be the guy pitching that If I was in the government Yeah it's not a bad idea

Starting point is 00:05:16 We're not on the same page here And I think we've got to fake some aliens Yeah False flag alien attack Is pretty much what he says. He said, watch out. If we start being attacked by aliens, just know that. Keep an eye out. He goes, don't worry.

Starting point is 00:05:34 They're not real. Yeah. And then he was talking about how that thing you were freaking out about, the weird blimp, space blimp. Oh, yeah. That scared the shit out of me. The weird space blimp. Yeah, me too. I was driving to ventura so i was like right there up on it so it was huge in the sky yeah for anybody who's not in la doesn't know what we're talking about spacex

Starting point is 00:05:52 launched a fucking rocket uh like the night before christmas yeah no it was the 23rd and i felt like such a retard that i you know i didn't realize what it was or i didn't know what was going on but it wasn't like super widely publicized i didn't i didn't hear anything about it so i pull over to the side of the road and i'm looking up at it and I'm like, so I might be about to die right now. And I was like, what do I do? You see this thing just flying through the fucking sky with this weird pulsing light energy behind it.

Starting point is 00:06:16 I've never seen anything like it. I was at my house watching Iron Fist. I got you guys' text and I was like, do I go outside if it's in the world to see what's going on and I go no I'm going to keep watching this awful awful TV show

Starting point is 00:06:28 I'm too sad to get out of bed if I die this way I don't give a fuck I was like sitting on the patio smoking when it happened and I was like

Starting point is 00:06:36 should I go in the basement and like try and ride it out and I'm like nah because then I might die in that basement yeah and I was like do I text my girlfriend do I text Keith do I we my girlfriend? Do I text Keith?

Starting point is 00:06:46 We texted each other, which I think is so cute. We did, yeah. We did a dry run for a nuclear attack, and I think all realized we would just text each other first. Yeah, well, I texted my dad, and I was like, are we gonna die? And he was like, no. My dad knows about space stuff. I was comforted by the fact that I saw

Starting point is 00:07:02 it launch right over a massage parlor. And I was like, by the fact that I saw it launch right over a massage parlor. And I was like, there's someone in there who came at the same time as that rocket went up. And I immediately forgot about the impending doom. The final happy ending.

Starting point is 00:07:17 Blowing a load on a sad Korean girl's hands and then scorched earth. Alright guys, what do you say we get into the Mexican joke-off? Ay, so topical. Hell yeah. All right, guys. I'll take us away.

Starting point is 00:07:32 A former soccer player has been elected president of Liberia, and the victory is the closest Liberia has ever come to embracing gay people. I had to Google if Liberia was actually homophobic or not in order to just in good faith. And I looked it up and boy, are they. If you're asking that about any country, most of the time the answer is, oh, hell yeah. No one's like super into them. Yeah. All right.

Starting point is 00:07:54 A man on MDMA stole a boat saying he wanted to be closer to a group of swans. Find out more in the upcoming film, Gossed at Sea. Why would the swans be in the ocean? It was like a lake. Oh, you said sea. Tom. Yeah, well, because Gosset at a lake doesn't make any sense. Well, I added to the momentum.

Starting point is 00:08:19 It's my turn, huh? Yeah. Okay. I would love to see what happens when Tom can't get a boner during sex because you can't even play off a conversational word correctly. Oh, there's a song I wanted to show you. Are you mad? Dirty Talking Tom just seems funny.

Starting point is 00:08:36 He's like, oh, put my thumb wherever. Oh, no. There was a girl I hooked up with who she masturbates with a pillow. Uh-huh. And she asked me to do pillow. And you're the next best thing? She asked me the dirty talk. That's why she said she had to put a cloth bag over my head. She asked me the dirty talk while she was doing it. And I've never done that before.

Starting point is 00:08:59 So my line was, yeah, fuck that pillow. That's one of my favorite Tom stories. That's a great t-shirt. I never want to cue you up for it on the podcast because I don't want to embarrass you, but thank you for sharing that with the listeners. And then she just started laughing hysterically and fell asleep. Did you ultimately

Starting point is 00:09:17 end up smothering her pussy with the pillow like you were trying to shh? Oh God, one blew over the cuckoo's nest. That's good. A man folded his baby in half trying to get it to stop crying. Oh, man. Talk about a rough first time doing laundry.

Starting point is 00:09:37 I just love when Tom... I love when he implements colloquialisms. Oh, man. Oh, boy, howdy. All right, guys. Never mind. Okay, guys. National Crime Statistics Agency reports that 220,000 women were harassed on public transit in France.

Starting point is 00:09:57 Raising the question, how are these skunks getting on the subway? I don't think anyone would notice them because he smells so bad to begin with. Right, Gary? One of the funniest news stories I saw is that Max Landis, who wrote that movie Bright... Who sounds like a Star Wars character. He was writing a Pepe Le Pew movie for Warner Brothers, and then

Starting point is 00:10:17 they canceled it because people were like, hey, that's a cartoon about a rapist. And then he got outed for also being a rapist. I guess he was very close to the material. It's like you always think of these tortured geniuses like Woody Allen or Louis C.K. living through their art and making these things and alluding to their crimes. What if you just are a guy that directs shitty movies?

Starting point is 00:10:35 Yeah, you see that scene where Yogi Bear cheats on his family and embezzles a bunch of money from the park rangers? It's like when you found out the director of Jeepers Creepers fucked a kid and it's just like, oh, that's the art you made with all that torture? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, it's like I'm not Alan Moore talking about Pauly.

Starting point is 00:10:50 I write Archie comics, and then he has a problem with pain pills he stole from his dog. Yeah, T.J. Miller was in Yogi Bear, wasn't he? Yeah. Oh, boy. Yeah. Brought more than three Ds to that one, I'll tell you. Whoa! Does T.J. Miller have four dicks?

Starting point is 00:11:04 Did I miss something? I think so. I don't know. Even I didn't quite know what it meant. I liked it. Comedian Eliza Schlesinger is being sued for only allowing women to attend a recent show. Women say they've suffered enough this year and are seeking $10 million in damages. A Wisconsin hairstylist was arrested after giving a bad haircut.

Starting point is 00:11:23 The hairstylist knew something went wrong because she cut the bangs unevenly and stabbed the woman in the forehead. Tom! One of the best haircuts Tom would ever have received. Yeah, it's the first show of the year. Yeah, dude, it's already been a long 2018 with Tom Goss. Yeah, I got this cool scar. This place is awesome. Yeah, they turned me into a Harry Potter.

Starting point is 00:11:52 Yeah, with the fantastic Son of Sam's. I love the image of a barber just being like, doink, and like, oh, I'm going to trouble. We get arrested for the haircut. I guess she cut off a piece of his ear. Yeah, that's what she got arrested for. It's fucking Mike Tyson's salon. Yeah, isn't the actual crime more extreme than your joke?

Starting point is 00:12:15 I think the actual crime is letting a woman have a job. Am I right, guys? Oh, hey. Hey, I'm just warming up for my podcast with Ramsey's dad. All right, guys. China has been caught selling oil to North Korea 30 times since sanctions against the Hermit Kingdom took effect.

Starting point is 00:12:28 This has proved to be a more effective strategy than waiting outside 7-Eleven and asking a homeless guy to do it. I thought the Hermit Kingdom was like a roast joke you wrote. I guess that's a real thing they call it. No, the Hermit Kingdom is where Tom lives. Well, that's a cheap fucking joke-writing tactic I employ often is when I get too lazy to make the setup better,

Starting point is 00:12:46 I just instead of, if I have to say California twice, I'll just go residents of the Golden State. Yeah. No, I know what you're saying. Do you have tactics for this? Yeah, I'm sorry. I'm not doing fucking haircut stab material. This doesn't have any kind of cohesion or misdirection or humor. As Tom has his nose pressed up on the mic like he's locked out of a 7-Eleven.

Starting point is 00:13:06 I thought it was one of them robot flowers. I was trying to smell. A new report shows that 2017 had the highest ever rate of farmers committing suicide. Leading to a new children's song, Old MacDonald Did Self-Harm, E-I-E-I-O. I was thinking Farmers Lonely. That was the first draft.

Starting point is 00:13:23 Oh, okay, yeah. There's only so many Farmers songs. Glitter has become an environmental disaster, disrupting many ecosystems and changing the planet's Kinsey scale to fabulous. There's too much glitter in the Gulf Stream. It's reflecting all the sun. Stop doing finger guns on a podcast, you ass. That would be great to find out.

Starting point is 00:13:44 That's how we stop global warming is you have to have glitter like in the ionosphere reflecting light back out. So just the skies just look super K. They're doing that with the lumens. That's the Freakonomics shit. That's why San Francisco is so cold. Dude, that's too funny.

Starting point is 00:14:00 You guys heard about the last chapter of Freakonomics where they're like, yeah, when volcanoes erupt the temperature goes down because they released this one chemical that interacts with light in the upper atmosphere and stuff. And they're like, yeah, we could really cheaply use this to cool down the earth in case global warming is real and takes effect and wreaks havoc or whatever. And as soon as I read that, I'm just like, okay, I'm just fucking putting everything in a plastic bag for the rest of my life. I was like, okay, fucking Elon's got this shit. I'm just going to go drive my truck to the seal clubbing party. Whatever.

Starting point is 00:14:29 I know it's not this, but when you say Freakonomics, I don't really know what that is. I keep thinking of that Luke Wilson movie. Idiocracy? Yes. That's Owen Wilson. Yeah, I'm thinking of that cartoon Freakazoid. No, it is Luke Wilson.

Starting point is 00:14:47 Yeah, yeah. Is it your turn Tom? No it's yours Alright guys Nothing Okay Shit I'm saving my good one for last What do you guys want to hear some shit about? ISIS

Starting point is 00:15:00 Ohio ISIS ISIS ISIS ISIS ISIS ISIS ISIS

Starting point is 00:15:04 ISIS ISIS ISIS ISIS ISIS ISIS ISIS ISIS

Starting point is 00:15:04 ISIS ISIS ISIS ISIS ISIS ISIS ISIS ISIS ISIS ISIS ISIS ISIS ISIS ISIS ISIS ISIS ISIS ISIS ISIS ISIS ISIS ISIS ISIS ISIS ISIS ISIS ISIS ISIS ISIS ISIS ISIS ISIS ISIS ISIS

Starting point is 00:15:10 ISIS ISIS ISIS ISIS ISIS ISIS ISIS ISIS ISIS ISIS ISIS ISIS ISIS ISIS ISIS ISIS ISIS ISIS ISIS ISIS ISIS ISIS ISIS ISIS ISIS ISIS Vegas airport for having a dead cougar in his suitcase. This is the first dead cougar found in Vegas besides under a mattress at the Bellagio. I like that.

Starting point is 00:15:28 A 14-year-old... Brandon's got the best gig ever on this podcast, which is just vape and encourage. Nice. To vape and encourage. The sticker on the back of my car. A 14-year-old is being charged with the murder... Take two. A 14-year-old is being charged with murder for throwing a sandbag off an overpass that killed a man.

Starting point is 00:15:49 Many are claiming the only way to stop a bad guy with a sandbag is a good guy with a sandbag. You really sandbagged the show. You know what I just realized? What's up? That's very similar to a premise you told. Not only was it bad, but I kind of... I do want to say for the record that Ramsey's joke is much better. It is much better, yes.

Starting point is 00:16:10 All right, guys. That was the fourth joke stretch where we all did the bad one. Yeah. Bringing it home strong. Starting this year off right. Ramsey's taking a hit. You always do want to get the spit take of vape smoke. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:16:21 That's a good feeling. I hate that Ramsey keeps leaning back and pushing it out like a fountain. Yeah. That's like a good feeling. I hate that Ramsey keeps like leaning back and like pushing it out like a fountain. Yeah. I'm blowing nose. When you do that. No, you're not. You're trying to blow out. You just look like something you'd get like at a Spencer's gift where it's just like,

Starting point is 00:16:34 just get this Middle Eastern hipster fog machine. Dude, we're going to sell. I'm going to make like a plastic mold of Ramsey's face to put in front of a fog machine to use at our live events. So we turn it on and just... All right, guys. A snow emergency has been declared in Erie, Pennsylvania after receiving 53 inches in 48 hours. 53 inches in 48 hours is known by Keith's mother as a slow Tuesday.

Starting point is 00:17:02 Damn it. I knew it was coming. As soon as you heard inches, you were like, oh, okay. Yeah, inches is a dangerous word, my friend. Oh, fuck me. That's good. All right. A Tampa lawyer has been accused of using a county jail as a filming location for several

Starting point is 00:17:16 pornographic movies. When asked to defend himself, the lawyer said, quote, if there's cum on a tit, you must acquit. You guys are great, man. You guys are great. Oh. You guys are great. You guys ready for this, Thunder? A Florida man has gotten in trouble for repeatedly calling 911 because his seafood dinner wasn't big enough.

Starting point is 00:17:35 Police want to help, but the man's story was too fishy. Ka-ching! Thunder! Thunder! Thunder sucks. There's nothing funnier to say than just watching your face when you do this. You know my new move with Tom is

Starting point is 00:17:54 I'm going to tell him Gareth Reynolds is on the show every week. And on that note, the Mean Boys are right back with something else. Guys, Burrito Santa is dead. And in his place, we will have a half-hearted mechanical read about the greatest Mexican eatery in the entire world. Tom, if you do it, I'm going to fire you. Hi, I'm New Year's Lady. New Year's Lady.

Starting point is 00:18:17 The burrito spokesman. New Year's Lady. Do you like New Year's? Not as much as New Burritos. Go on. lady oh do you like new year's not as much as new burritos go on i love new burritos for the new year because i'm new year's lady and i get them exclusively from don carlos taco shop in la jolla california uh-huh go on it's located so close to the la Jolla Comedy Store. Everyone loves to laugh on New Year's. Just ask New Year's Lady. Go to eataborito.com for more info on burritos.

Starting point is 00:18:52 Not New Year's. Combine the two. Be festive. Oh, God. Kill yourself. Don Carlos. I like that New Year's Lady is just a version of Tom where he's trying. It's all about resolutions.

Starting point is 00:19:06 All right. Fucking eat it, Don Carlos. Everyone shut up. And the Mean Boys podcast is back. Doing a segment I think we did last year. Would have been a smart move to re-listen and revisit our predictions, but we didn't do that. So we're going to make some predictions for 2018, guys.

Starting point is 00:19:22 Yes. Tom reacting like he did not know that's what we were doing. No, I know that's what we're doing. Why don't you start it off, man? I think in 2018... You're trying to tee up just a thought. Okay.

Starting point is 00:19:40 I think that at some point, we all will be sad. Nice. Right now. It's already 2017. I think that at some point we all will be sad. Nice. Yeah. Okay. Right now. It's already 2017. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:19:50 Yeah. Good. Good bet. Yeah. Ramsey, you got any? There's a prize pool, right? For whoever's more right about most of these. You're fucking $1 prices riding this whole situation.

Starting point is 00:20:00 Wait, what, Ramsey? Come back to me. I just found out about this game. Oh, all right. Yeah, we're just saying. I'm just sitting in because I was I left work today. So I'm like, oh, yeah. But anyways, come back to me. I'm fine.

Starting point is 00:20:14 Ramsey predicted Trump. He predicted a lot of shit. I do, yeah. I'm interested to see what he has. I'll hit you. I do think Trump's still going to be president at the end of 2018. I don't think he's going to get impeached. I think they'll have started the impeachment. That was one of my other ones is that Trump to be president at the end of 2018 i don't think he's going to get impeached i think they'll have started the impeachment what what that was one of my other ones is that trump will be present i'll stop with the anti-joke ones and actually give you guys some real ones but yeah okay what do you think he's i uh you you know you don't think trump's gonna get fucking tossed no i

Starting point is 00:20:39 don't think so okay he's not getting well i read i was reading about i think the mueller investigation they're saying it could go into like late next year. Yeah. And I think – assuming they find shit, I think it's all going to pop. I think that the Democrats are going to take everything in the fucking midterm. I have – I think we're going to hit hard and then I think he's done. Here's my prediction.

Starting point is 00:20:57 I think they're going to make very, very modest gains and that's it. At the end of 20 – I don't know. Well, because – okay. So two years. Here's my prediction. At the end of 2018, Trump will look younger than he did at the beginning of his presidency. He's going to age backwards. He's going to age backwards.

Starting point is 00:21:12 Everyone's tears are going to moisturize his skin. The curious case of Benjamin Butthole. And every human on the planet will look 10 years older. My big prediction for 2018 is I think everybody's Going to chill the fuck out a little bit Just on a cold I feel like 2017 The way this year started and really the first half Especially everyone was just running

Starting point is 00:21:34 What's wrong with it? I thought it was Everyone was just running around like a chicken with their head cut off It was just this constant level of panic And I feel like we're finally getting to a place Where we're able to stop screaming accept that this is reality and start making choices and i feel like i don't you can't be wound up for that long that's what i'm saying and it's already kind of reached a point where everyone's just like i don't know fuck it here's

Starting point is 00:21:57 a rihanna champagne meme exactly but i almost think that's kind of i think like that level of like being able to like function on a calmnessness spectrum is what's going to help us actually win elections in 2018. I agree. You're saying America is going to realize that if they fidget during the dry anal rape, it'll just hurt more. Yeah, just point your toes together. Yeah, we're going to realize, all right, fucking work on your kegels, deep breathe, and then you can just break the dick from the inside. I really think infighting on the left will fuck any kind of major electoral victory. I think enough people will have learned the lesson from what happened last time.

Starting point is 00:22:32 I've seen no evidence of the lesson, to be honest with you. I'm trying to be optimistic, but you might be right. Here's what I'll say. People are pointing to Roy Moore and being like, see, the left is coming back. And I'm like, he barely lost. Yeah, it was close. But that's also a Republican in Alabama, so that was going to be hard no matter what he did.

Starting point is 00:22:54 But that's a representative of a lot of things. If I was Doug Jones, I'd have fucking blew my urethra off when I found out that I barely lost a popularity contest to a child molester. Give my sepikoo straw. Big blow in a spitball. Jesus Christ, dude.

Starting point is 00:23:13 I know your dick has like points out and it blows up like the end of Yosemite Sam's musket. I'll tell you what, I think this tax plan is going to help a lot of people. I'll say that. I think a lot of people are going to go, ooh. The economy is going to boom. Yeah, I think it's going to help. Not of people. I'll say that. I think a lot of people are going to go, The economy is going to boom.

Starting point is 00:23:25 Yeah, I think it's going to help. Not in a good, sustainable way, but it's going to make the balance sheet look a lot better. Oh, yeah. $1,600 in everybody's pocket? You bought my vote. I didn't know I was getting $1,600. Oh, you're not, but I am as a working man. Never mind.

Starting point is 00:23:41 If anything, you're losing $1,600. Oh, tight. Awesome. What an exciting thing. I'm glad we had you on the podcast, you're losing $1,600. Oh, tight. Awesome. What an exciting thing. I'm glad we had you on the podcast. Here's my plug. Your $1,600. I've gotten a lot more pessimistic about all this stuff since we started. I'm just kind of like, okay, maybe. I've always been pessimistic.

Starting point is 00:23:59 Yeah, I think you're right, Tom. I've kind of come around. I want to have hope that this is fixable, though. I think America's done. I mean, it does feel like we're at a point where either we're going to fucking adjust course very quickly, or this is just the beginning of the fall of Rome. I think it began a while ago. The key is, does America get its shit together before we elect Kevin Hart III? Or do we?

Starting point is 00:24:24 That's where the question is. And if we hit Kevin Hart III, it's over. I think this is the beginning of the end. It may be reversible. We're never going to pay off our debt. We're never going to... These jobs aren't coming back. Yeah, yeah.

Starting point is 00:24:37 We're not smart. We don't work particularly hard. Nope. No. We do. We kind of do At our fake job Speaking of us My next prediction

Starting point is 00:24:51 No I think that we're going to get Our first bit of bad press On an actual news source You think we're going to get a bad faith Takedown of Mean Boys on like Vice or something I mean just because we talk about... Not enough rape, right? I mean, we are in the edgier territory, and I feel like...

Starting point is 00:25:13 I'm surprised it hasn't happened already. It hangs out on the outer rim, near the edgy territory. That's where Bruce Springsteen hung out. It's a darkness on the edgy neighborhood. The saving grace of Mean Boys is that you guys have one black friend, one Muslim friend. Like, you guys literally have all your bassist cousins. We have.5 gay friends. Like, you guys can just, do you guys have an Asian?

Starting point is 00:25:40 I mean, we know them. I don't know if that's the way we should stand. Sorry. We keep him caged because he runs out After cars I was raised Buddhist Double whammy Robin Tran Covering so many bases That's so funny

Starting point is 00:25:57 Dude I went to a military base And I was just like And I went out there and just talking to people I was like oh yeah we're so fucked And they're just like Yeah we gotta spend all. And they're just like, they're just like, yeah, we got to spend

Starting point is 00:26:07 all the money they give us or else we can't ask for more money the next time. So enjoy the foosball table. God damn it. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:26:17 It's the military. Oh, here's my prediction. I will not like the new Han Solo movie. Oh yeah, that was one of mine too, actually.

Starting point is 00:26:23 Oh, okay. That movie's gonna suck balls. They're doing a Han Solo prequel Oh, yeah. That was one of mine, too, actually. Oh, okay. That movie's going to suck balls. There's going to be a Han Solo movie? They're doing a Han Solo prequel movie, which in theory I don't hate. Like, I like Han Solo a lot, and I like the guy they cast for it. Donald Glover's playing Lando, which is pretty cool. But they hired the guys who did the Lego movie to do it, and that seemed like a good idea.

Starting point is 00:26:38 And then they shot like two-thirds of it, and then fired him and hired Ron Howard to fucking make the rest of it. Donald Glover's going to play Lando Jamiroquai? Lobo Caribbean. Lando. This is my bit I was doing on the patio. It was Patrick Warburton auditioning to play Han Solo. Elaine.

Starting point is 00:26:58 Vader wants the jetty. We got to go to Cloud Town. Got to go to Cloud Town and meet with my old gambling buddy, Lobo Caribbean. You ever do Woody Allen and Bank Robber on Meatball? I haven't, no. It's my favorite one. I don't even know how Woody Allen and Bank Robber is. Just do it.

Starting point is 00:27:16 I love it. Oh, God. I hope I don't get a Puerto Rican getaway driver. They're always smoking in the cab. They got the music playing and I'm trying to escape. I have to be wary of law enforcement authorities. It's my favorite one. Oh, God. Oh, God. always smoking in the cab. They got the music playing and I'm trying to escape. I have to be wary of law enforcement authorities. My favorite one. Oh, God.

Starting point is 00:27:28 Oh, God. Here he is. Oh, my God. The flag and everything. Jesus. Hello. Hi. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:27:33 I need to get out of town very quickly if possible. Okay. You think they would double bag the cash? I tell them to put the money in the bag. And what's the bag compared to the cash? That's a very small investment I asked them for. I mean, maybe she was nervous. I held them up at gunpoint.

Starting point is 00:27:46 But, oh, God, it's spilling out all over the can. And it's going to smell like Puerto Rican stuff. I'm sorry. I have a sinus problem. Your cigar is hurting my... Oh, God. All I wanted to do was buy children for my sex island. There it is.

Starting point is 00:28:03 So good. The game with that is like, how far can you get before you make a kid fucking joke? I just knew if I didn't, you guys would be mad at me. I like to do more subversive stuff with my comedy.

Starting point is 00:28:11 Shut up! Donkey! Oh, Donkey, I hop in the game! I shit my pants, Donkey! That's subversive comedy. From the swamp I came into and I shall return. Sorry.

Starting point is 00:28:26 I predict people will still not be able to spell Carnot correctly. We got an iTunes review yesterday after two years of this character. C-A-R-N-O-K C-A-R-N-O-K What's that spell? Me! I have a prediction.

Starting point is 00:28:43 I think in 2018 the first high power female will go down for sexual assault. That's a good one. It's a good one, isn't it? Someone's getting pound-stoned. Someone's getting pound-stoned hard. Dude, just take a pound-stone to pound-stone. What do you guys think it would be? Just right off the top of your head.

Starting point is 00:28:59 If you had to think of one woman where you're like, I think this one is a high-power. I'm going to keep talking to Stahl. Keith, you've got one. No, I have one, but I don't know if I should say it. I feel the same way. Is it a comedian? I also thought of a comedian.

Starting point is 00:29:11 I wonder if we're thinking of the same person. I'll say it off air. Yeah. There are a few female comedians where I think if it came out, I think if Roseanne Barr got popped for that, everyone would just be like, shut up. She's just fat and sassy.

Starting point is 00:29:24 She's fun. Fuck you. I don't think and sassy. She's fun. Fuck you. I don't think they'd get in trouble, honestly. No, I think something, my prediction is 2018, someone's going to get in trouble and it's going to be the first.

Starting point is 00:29:33 Do you have a name in mind? No, I don't have one yet, but give me one second. I'll have it. I'll have it. We're going to be like from the world in general? I think it's going to be

Starting point is 00:29:39 like a Meryl Streep or something. Like somebody huge is going to go around. Yeah, yeah. I don't know, though. There has to be some scumbag women out there, dude. I'm not saying they don't exist. They just have different crimes.

Starting point is 00:29:53 Yeah, it's just different because the power dynamic is different, so people are not going to read it that way. Look, I think as society goes... Meryl Streep for sure just fucks herself with a vibrating Oscar. I wonder if Meryl Streep fucks good. Yeah, probably. I feel like she either fucks real good or real bad. She's just kind of boring.

Starting point is 00:30:09 I'd say real bad. You know who I heard fucked good, and I think it's true? I think Helen Keller probably fucks really good. Helen Keller? Like on some Daredevil shit where her senses are limited, so she just moves through the force. Yeah, absolutely. Good luck trying to communicate what's about to happen to her.

Starting point is 00:30:26 I don't think that's... It's all nonverbal, dude. You got to take these cues. I just did this historical roast show where I had to roast Helen Keller. And I was reading, yeah, she had like a, not a husband, but like a dude she was dating for a long time. And like fucking who she wanted to run off and marry. Which is, yeah. That dude is really reaching for the bottom of the barrel.

Starting point is 00:30:42 What are you saying? Water? Oh, salt water. Okay, give me a second. He's just writing words in her hand with his dick. You like that, don't you? She's the miracle twerker. You blind whore.

Starting point is 00:30:57 My final prediction, I think we'll all be forced to move out of this house. Oh, no, we might. I think they will sell this property. I think we have sell this property. I think we have two years before this gets flipped and turned into a fucking tea shop. Sure. And you better believe I will be invoking my squatter's rights. Oh, yeah.

Starting point is 00:31:14 Out of principle. Oh, yeah. Just to say I'm invoking my squatter's rights. Ain't no man from the bank going to take this land. Yeah. Ramsey Bedawi sex attorney comes out. He doesn't study real estate law, but he knows a thing or two. We skimming. And this is the thing that I've been very anxious about for a long time.

Starting point is 00:31:31 I think that California is going to get that big ass earthquake. I think so. Yeah, I overdue for it. And nothing is going right. And I've been getting anxiety about it because we are right. Like, we're literally sitting on a fucking bomb. It's been pretty smooth sailing for California. We had some brush fire.

Starting point is 00:31:54 It's a little bit more than brush fire. It's a brush fire compared to what's going to happen if that thing goes off. Sure. The whole fucking state's going to burn down. My swords! I've been fucking getting real paranoid about it lately. Yeah, dude, I was thinking about getting a gun just because I was afraid of earthquake vandals. You know what would be great?

Starting point is 00:32:16 That's so funny. Not so I could defend us, so I could kill myself immediately and not have to take a bunch of scary pills. It would be funny. I'd do that without the earthquake. All of the weak white dudes will get killed because of swords on the wall. It just shakes just... Oh, dude.

Starting point is 00:32:30 To just kill white... Oh, just fucking katana drop it. Yeah, his katana fell right through his Inuyasha cloth poster and into his fucking Cheeto lungs. Just a sea of blood-stained body pillows. Every convicted sexual assault or every accused. And every fan of this podcast.

Starting point is 00:32:48 We gotta have a Ramsey Bidelli body pillow as merch someday. Yeah, dude, I'm in. That would be fucking awesome. You can come on that bad boy all you want. Why a picture is what we'll say. Why come on a picture?

Starting point is 00:32:58 Yeah, well, you can come on the real thing. It's the Ramsey Bidelli cum voodoo doll. It's like scotch-guarded, so you can just wipe the cum off and keep using it. It has my glasses. You can take it off. It's the Ramsey Bedeli cum voodoo doll. It's like scotch guarded so you can just like wipe the cum off and keep using it.

Starting point is 00:33:06 It has my glasses. You can take it off. It's got accessories. We decided on the patio that Ramsey's new name is Bard for Big Ass Ram

Starting point is 00:33:12 Dog but I think it should be Bard Dog for Big Ass Ram Dog Dog. You guys know what a keffiyeh is? A keffiyeh is those coffee thing.

Starting point is 00:33:22 There's a scarf that those like you'll see a lot of Arab dudes wear and you wrap it around your head when you're doing some terrorist shit and you can only see your eyes. A keffiyeh is those... Those coffee thing? There's a scarf that those, like, you'll see a lot of Arab dudes wear. Right. And you wrap it around your head when you're doing some terrorist shit, and you can only see your eyes. Yeah. I put one on the other day at my house, and I wrapped it around so you can only see my eyes, and I realized how transparent of a terrorist I would be because of the glasses.

Starting point is 00:33:36 Very obvious right away. Yeah, chunky frames. All right, guys. Those are our predictions. It's going to be a terrible year. What hard-hitting analysis. Send us your predictions. Yeah, dude. Tweet at Ramsey. Always on top of social media engagement.

Starting point is 00:33:56 I feel like you'll be broadcasting at least quarterly in this coming year. Dude, follow him us if you guys can. I'm almost at 1,000. I really need it. I did 4,000, finally. I do got one more. I think that Netflix is going to go out of business or be sold. Why?

Starting point is 00:34:09 Why? Because they're hemorrhaging money. No, they're not. They're fine. I've heard they're fucking hemorrhaging money. Amazon was hemorrhaging money for years and now Jeff Bezos is the richest man in the world. They're not going to – they'll be fine. Yeah, Netflix is going to be chill, dude.

Starting point is 00:34:20 Yeah. I'm predicting it. I'm probably going to be fine, dude. I'm predicting it. I'm probably going to be wrong. I'm predicting it. I've done no research past making this statement. What do you guys think is going to happen? I did a little bit. What do you think is going to happen with the podcast?

Starting point is 00:34:34 Do you think we take over the world? Do you think we continue on our very lazy trajectory? I think we'll have a moderate rise. I truly don't know. Honestly, in the past couple of months, so many of you guys have started listening who weren't listening before. Hopefully other shit we might be doing this year will help kind of bring more listeners to it. So I'm quitting comedy.

Starting point is 00:34:57 So I'll have a lot more. I'm actually going to subscribe to the podcast. I'll subscribe to all the fucking failed states you've left on iTunes as well. Hey, how dare you? You leave me and Omid Singh's podcast alone. Who cares? Oh, you leave that one too. That was the joke.

Starting point is 00:35:13 Yeah. All right, guys, we'll be right back after something. Previously on the Omega Tom. Trapped in a post-apocalyptic hellscape after a devastating plague, Tom Goss joined scavengers Rocket and Bruiser in an attempt to reach safety. However, they were ambushed on the road by a gang of psychopaths called the Murder Brothers. With Bruiser killed in the process, the Murder Brothers set out to deliver Tom and Rocket to the trash bunker, home of the mysterious Garbage King. From the Mean Boys

Starting point is 00:35:38 podcast, this is The Omega Tom, Chapter 4, A Rock and a Tard Place. After a three-hour motorcycle voyage across the scorching desert, Tom, Rocket, and the Murder Brothers arrived at Trash Bunker, a dilapidated warehouse in a burned-out stretch of farmland. They were herded through a massive front gate, flanked by armed guards. As they entered, they saw a civilization

Starting point is 00:36:00 built of scrap and garbage. Dozens of dirty-faced peasants huddled around barrel fires, sitting on uncomfortable rusted car parts, eating whatever rotten food they were able to scavenge. In the center of the warehouse sat a pit, 20 feet deep, with a steel grate for a floor. A lackey sprayed the floor of the pit with a power hose,

Starting point is 00:36:20 washing what appeared to be blood, hair, and teeth into the gutter below. I gotta be honest. I don't hate it here. What the fuck are you talking about? It's a city made of trash. Yeah, but so is Fresno and they love me there. No talk. You see Garbage King now. He talk. You listen. You kneel. With his huge hands, Murder Dave shoved Tom and Rocket to their knees.

Starting point is 00:36:37 They looked up at a ten-foot mountain of collected filth. Atop it sat a bedazzled toilet, a throne befitting of the Garbage King. From the shadows behind that emerged a figure, draped in a stained bathrobe from a cheap motel and wearing a cardboard Burger King crown. He sat upon his throne as the residents of Trash Bunker gathered around, ready to hear his royal proclamation. Hello, everybody! Thanks for coming! Great to see you! Murder Pete! Hey, you look great! Is that a new bone helmet? Because it's slimming, okay? Holy shit, I know this dude. That's Gareth Reynolds. I love the podcast. The fuck

Starting point is 00:37:12 is a podcast? It's like the radio for people who can't afford cars. Gareth! Hey, man! Oh, hey, Tom! Good to see you, buddy! How you been? Good! I mean, all my friends are, and I just got kidnapped by a bunch of leather daddies or whatever, but other than that, I'm good. How about you? Me? I'm great. Yeah, I'm a warlord now. Good for you. I know, right? Yeah, it was way easier than you'd think. It turns out if you go, like, 45 minutes away from L.A. in any direction, everybody. Everybody's like crazy stupid. And I just showed them basic algebra and they decided I got to be God now. How's Dave Anthony? Dead. Yeah. Dave's dead. So yeah. Yeah. Welcome to the trash bunker. Uh, I'm obviously it's a city made of trash, but I'm sure you already got that. Oh, okay. That explains the name.

Starting point is 00:38:06 Tom, tell him to let us go. Oh, you brought a friend. Hi. How you doing? I'm Gareth. Who are you? Now, fuck you. That's who I am.

Starting point is 00:38:15 Whoa, whoa, buddy. Hey, that's rude. Okay? Just because this place is made of trash doesn't mean you should act like trash, okay? Jeez Louise. So, yeah, man. Great to see you. Listen, I hate to ask this, but I know you're super busy, but your buddies kidnapped us,

Starting point is 00:38:36 and since we're friends and all, I was thinking maybe you could let us get back to our own thing, and we'll, uh, just, you know, get out of your hair. Oh, yeah, totally. Not a hassle at all, Tom. Awesome. Thanks, man. Yeah. Yeah, for sure. No, all you gotta do is, uh, beat the Murder Brothers in the Kilosium.

Starting point is 00:38:48 The Kilimajubity what now? Yeah, it's that big pit. You know, you guys showed them the big pit, right? Yeah, we saw the pit. Okay, great. Yeah. Okay, so the rules of the Trash Bunk are pretty simple. Let me see. Yeah, so anybody is free to go if they can beat the Murder Brothers in a battle to the death in the Coliseum.

Starting point is 00:39:08 Has anybody else done that yet? Well, as you may have noticed, they are currently alive, so that would be a big no on that. Right. Listen, Gary. His name is Gareth. Yeah, I got in front of that shit this time, thankfully. We don't want to be part of your bullshit pit fight. Just let us go.

Starting point is 00:39:27 We got nothing for you. Here's the deal, Tom, okay? I like you. You're a good guy, and, you know, I think you might be touched in the head. So I'm going to let you duck out on the whole fight to the death situation. Guys, guys, cut Tom loose. Cut him loose. Oh, man, thank you so much.

Starting point is 00:39:44 We really appreciate it. But your friend Rocky... It's Rocket. Rocky! Rocky! Rocky! Uh-huh, yeah, you've got a shitty attitude, and you're kind of harsh in the vibe,

Starting point is 00:39:54 so you're going in the pit. Son of a bitch. See, that's the very attitude I'm talking about. Can I take her with me, please? I know she's being a butthole. Like, hit her or whatever if you want me to. What? Not really.

Starting point is 00:40:09 Just be cool. Oh, man, Tom, my dude. You're really putting me in a hard place here. I can't let you both go. It makes me look soft. And the people in the trash bunker tend to eat soft things. Plus, you know, I mean, I'd feel bad for the murder brothers. I mean, they didn't call themselves that because they hate murdering.

Starting point is 00:40:30 You know what I mean? Sorry, pal. Oh. It's okay. Just go. Well, if she can't leave, then I guess I'll stay. Great. Take them away.

Starting point is 00:40:41 Fuck you, Gareth. Your kingdom is nothing but a pile of shit. Yeah, well, look. So's Australia. And they love me there. You know what? All Gareth. Your kingdom is nothing but a pile of shit. Yeah, well, look, so's Australia, and they love me there. You know what? Alright, Garbage King is bored. Who wants to jerk me off? Tom and Rocket were thrown in a drab concrete room. The door locked behind them. They waited anxiously

Starting point is 00:40:55 for their fate in the Coliseum. Alright, I think I got it. The trick is that we gotta try really hard to not get murdered. If we can pull that off, I think we have a shot. Oh, good plan, Tom. Never would have thought of that. Nice. Thanks. I'm good at strategy.

Starting point is 00:41:17 I play a lot of Risk, also Connect Four, but that's less relevant. Hey, thank you for not abandoning me out there. I'm not used to that. You'd have done the same. I would have for sure just let you die, but I do appreciate it. Oh. Well, that sucks. But, uh, yeah, that's me.

Starting point is 00:41:33 That's what I do. I run. Yeah, I'm better at fighting than running. You're a strong person, Tom. No, I just got bad knees. Rocket placed her hand on Tom's leg. Their eyes locked. An undeniable electricity surged in their shared glance. Maybe it was the sacrifice Tom had made.

Starting point is 00:41:48 Maybe it was just the adrenaline from their impending death. But the sexual energy was palpable. And Rocket knew she had to have Tom. Right there. Right now. Their lips moved closer and closer together. Millimeters apart. On your feet, maggots!

Starting point is 00:42:01 The king requests your presence in the Coliseum! Son of a fuck! Can you come back in like seven and a half minutes? Let's go! Son of a bitch, lousy cock-block-apocalypse-cock-block-apocalypse-block-cock-eclipse- I got nothing. Tom and Rocket were marched into the Colosseum. There awaiting them were the Murder Brothers. They brandished huge iron pipes, which they slapped against their hands ominously.

Starting point is 00:42:29 Twenty feet above them, peasants of Trashbunker crowded around, eager to see the carnage about to unfold. Among them stood the Garbage King, holding a broken hockey stick scepter. The Garbage King is hungry! Let me get four banana peels, extra rotten, and half a fish skeleton. Actually, you know what? It's a special night. I'm gonna do half a fish skeleton. Actually, you know what? It's a special night. I'm going to do the whole fish skeleton. I know, yeah.

Starting point is 00:42:54 And if you could bring out that trash can lid like the one that Heathcliff would eat off of, that'd be great. All right, you guys ready? Wait, so they get weapons, we don't get weapons? Oh, yeah. I guess that is kind of fucked up. Somebody give them something. Ah, sweet. A hammer.

Starting point is 00:43:06 What about me? What am I, the mayor of Weapon Town? Come on. Just hurry up and get murdered already. Fight time. Ding, ding, ding. The murder brothers slowly step towards Tom and Rocket, their grips tightening around their pipes. Get behind me, all right?

Starting point is 00:43:19 Listen up, you fucks. I know you're bigger than me. You got muscles and pipes and shit. But you know what I got? Hearts, and also a hammer. And right now I'm pissed off, I'm blue-balling pretty hard, and I'm just dumb enough to think I can pull this off, so give me... Ow, shit, fuck, crap, damn, bitch, ass, cunt, turd, face, cock, blitz, pow. Hey, get off of him! Rocket leapt onto the back of Murder Ken, wrapping her arm around his windpipe.

Starting point is 00:43:52 He swung his pipe wildly at her, but she dodged each swipe, hanging from his neck and cutting off his air supply. Slowly, he lost consciousness, collapsing to the ground. Hey, dicks, over here! Murder Dave and Murder Pete turned to attack Rocket. She dodged each blow, moving with grace and precision, evading their powerful grasp. Tom began to regain consciousness. Your best shot. Rocket found herself trapped between the two murder brothers.

Starting point is 00:44:12 They pulled back to deliver crushing blows with their pipes. Just as they swung, she dropped to the ground quick as a flash, and the brothers connected with each other's skulls. They reeled back, dazed by the blow. You're fast. Thanks. You're strong. Yeah. He looked at the hammer in his hand. I did? Yeah, yeah, you did. Seriously, how can you keep hearing me? I don't know, but

Starting point is 00:44:32 we'll figure it out after I beat these dudes to death. Tom seized on the moment and struck. With a powerful blow, he cracked the hammer across Murder Pete's jaw, teeth scattered across the grated floor, dropping into the gutter. Murder Pete dropped to the floor in agony, and Tom mounted him, crashing the hammer down on his face over and over and over, turning his skull to mush. He lay dead and twitching as Tom stepped back. Fuck, that was cool.

Starting point is 00:44:54 I'm super good at murder. I'm glad I didn't know that before the apocalypse. That could have been a big problem for me. Tom, help! Tom turned to see Rocket on her knees, being strangled by Murder Dave. She gasped for air, struggling futilely against his powerful grip. Don't move! Come on, surprising amount of lacrosse experience.

Starting point is 00:45:12 Don't fail me now! Tom ripped back and hurled the hammer at Murder Dave. The blood glistened off the steel as it spun toward him. You hit me in the tit, you dipshit! Damn your lacrosse! Rocket's hand searched the floor wildly, her face turning blue from lack of oxygen, moments from unconsciousness. Her fingers found the hammer's handle. She swung wildly and connected, lodging the claw of the hammer into Murder Dave's throat.

Starting point is 00:45:35 Before he could react, she ripped it out hard, tearing his esophagus in half. He fell to the ground, wheezing, gushing blood. Finally, he drew his last, pained breath and died alongside his brothers. Tom and Rocket, breathing heavy, regrouped, victorious. Oh, fuck yeah, we killed those dudes. I only pissed my pants a little. Flush them, flush them, flush them.

Starting point is 00:45:59 Gareth the Garbage King pulled a rusty lever. Gears turned as the floor beneath Tom and Rocket's feet cracked and shuddered. Suddenly, the floor swung open. Rocket and Tom dropped through it, falling into the sewer below. Ah, fuck, this is gross. It's a sewer. A putrid, shit-filled sewer.

Starting point is 00:46:15 Yeah, well, so's Missouri, but they love... Rocket kissed Tom out of a mixture of relief, gratitude, and not wanting to hear that joke for a third time. You kiss good? I bet it's even better when you're not swimming in shit. You have no idea. Now come on, there's a tunnel this way. Let's get the fuck out of here. Goddamn, wading is hard when you've got a boner. Rocket and Tom waded through the sewer, away from the trash bunker. Would they find their way to safety in Arizona?

Starting point is 00:46:41 I hope so. What awaited them in the sewers? Probably rats and poop. Maybe an alligator. Would this whole he-can-hear-the-narrator thing dissolve into an exhaustingly pretentious meta-joke?

Starting point is 00:46:51 I'm already pretty over it. The smart money's on probably, but the only way to know for sure is to tune in to the next exciting chapter of the Omega Tom, the Chudfucker Proxy. And the Mean Boys podcast returns, guys, with a round of our favorite game,

Starting point is 00:47:04 which is the following. This one comes to us from Mika Pratt, one of our favorite listeners. Hey, Mean Boys, I thought I'd use this opportunity to share some of Viper's most entertaining song and album titles with you. If you're not familiar, Viper is a rapper known for releasing roughly one album a day, including such gems as Yule Cowards, Don't Even Smoke Crack, and songs like Doing a Little Heroin. I'll do my best to make sure the fake answers are actually fake, but there are probably more Viper album titles now than words in my vocabulary, so no promises.

Starting point is 00:47:35 Thanks for laughing. Thanks for making me laugh. Hope none of you die during Snark Week. So let's pull up a picture of Viper the rapper really quick. Yeah, an album a day. That is some Snark Week shit that you should build a career out of yo dude this guy is awesome oh wow there's not a single non-blurry photo of this man yeah he looks like carlton from fresh prince got hard like that's kind of the look all right so let's kick it off which of the following is not a real viper album a we all know my crack the best, though, too. Third grade was pretty cool, three. I saw drugs in 2K and real life, three exclamation points, too.

Starting point is 00:48:12 Or D, cops can't read. I'm going to tell you already what I think it is. I think what was the first one? My crack's the best, though, too. Yeah. I think that's real, but I think there's no my crack's the best number one. He did a traveling Wilburys thingberries thing yeah he fucking episode four did um god damn read it one more time real quick we all know my crack the best though too third grade was pretty cool three

Starting point is 00:48:35 i saw drugs in 2k and real life too and cops can't read these are all jamar neighbors i don't think it's cops can't read it's too grammatically correct yeah i don't think it's Cops Can't Read. It's too grammatically correct. I think Cops Can't Read is the fake one. It's the fake one. I'm going to go with I Sell Drugs in 2K and 3K. You're looking for the fake one, right? I'm looking for the fake one? Yeah. Cops Can't Read, then.

Starting point is 00:48:54 It's Cops Can't Read. Tom Goss? What was B again? Third grade was Pretty Cool 3. Yeah, I'm going to go with that. He doesn't seem like he'd have any good memories of school. I'm going to go B. This is Tom the rapper. That's so funny. The fake one, C, I Sell Drugs go with that. He doesn't seem like he'd have any good memories of school. I'm going to go B. This is Tom the rapper.

Starting point is 00:49:05 That's so funny. The fake one, C, I saw drugs in 2K in real life. Pop can't read is very real. And that's apparently one of his bigger songs. Let's play a little bit of it on the podcast. Drop it in. All right, yeah, we'll do that. I'll pull this up while you guys are deliberating for the next round.

Starting point is 00:49:22 Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, cool. All right, fucking... God damn it, this place is, yeah, yeah. Okay, cool. All right. Fucking... God damn it. This place is... Oh, wait. No, that's not it. We're wrangling some wires here.

Starting point is 00:49:31 Bear with it. Yeah. All right. So round number two, which of the following is not a real Viper? Oh, which of the following is a real Viper album? So only one of these is real this time. Okay. Cool.

Starting point is 00:49:39 Let's get into it. Snakes in the Viper Pit 2. Cops pay more for my fentanyl. Oh, I love this guy. Your main shit keeping it tight for me 4. Or D, ketamine and rim jobs 2. How much can there be to say about ketamine and rim jobs? Apparently two volumes worth.

Starting point is 00:49:59 At least two. There's a lot of sequels going on. Is fentanyl the shit that killed... Yes. Yes, okay. It killed everybody. It kills everyone. Yeah. Oh, fuck. Oh, prediction. least two there's a lot of sequels going on album is fentanyl the shit that killed uh yes okay it killed everybody it kills everyone yeah oh fuck oh prediction keith's mom fentanyl fentanyl is like uh is uh like the cia introduced it to kill white women it's it's the white women well it's a dude named connor who has a crack there's a guy named named Connor who has a Cops Can't Read playlist which has a cover picture

Starting point is 00:50:26 that is the Money Store artwork from Death Grips. What the fuck? How crazy is that? Do you have like a Tyler Durden who's also kind of just you? That would be funny. Alright, guys. Let's hear Cops Can't Read. I'm still pulling it up. What do you guys think is the real one? The real one?

Starting point is 00:50:41 I think it's Cops Pay More from a fentanyl. That's the name of the album. The real one, I think it's Cops Pay More for My Fentanyl. Okay. Oh, that's the name of the album. So we got to find the fucking... Because this guy has opinions about cops. We've established that. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:50:54 I'm going to go in here, and I'm putting it all in. Oh, here we go. Okay. Is it marked which one? What's up? Yeah, I don't know. What is this? I like this.

Starting point is 00:51:16 Is this what it's supposed to sound like? And off is March. It's orc rap. Holy shit. Yeah. This is actually a Clash of Clans ad, not... This is bad. I think this is good. I like it.

Starting point is 00:51:36 He sounds like he just heard what rap music was and tried to recreate it. Somebody tried to build a Bone Thugs-N-Harmony album in 20 minutes. All right, so guys, which of the following is a real viper? What were you asking me, Tom? Oh, while we were listening, I was just asking if I could look at it or if you marked which one the real one was. Oh, no. So, A, snakes in the viper pit, too.

Starting point is 00:51:57 B, cops pay more for my fentanyl. C, you'll make sure you're keeping it tight for me, too. Or D, ketamine and rib jobs, too. The N is just the letter. I got this one. It is snakes in the viper pit and here's why. Black dudes love branding themselves. If I know black dudes, they love throwing in their name as much as possible.

Starting point is 00:52:14 So snakes in the viper pit is just a branding opportunity. That makes sense. Tom Goss. That was A, right? Yeah. And you also realized how correct I was when I said that, and it fucked... You're bummed, Tom. Just pick a letter, Tom.

Starting point is 00:52:27 Yeah, I'm going to go B. There you go, Chuck. All right. Keith Carey. I said the cops fentanyl one. The real one is D, ketamine and rim jobs, too. Well played. Who made this?

Starting point is 00:52:36 That's good. Micah Pratt. Dude, who the fuck wants to be on ketamine while you're rim jobbing someone? It's got to be good. I don't only vaguely even know what ketamine does. No, but being on ketamine while you're getting a rim job is... Yeah, you're like hallucinating that a. It's got to be good. I don't only vaguely even know what ketamine does. No, but being on a ketamine wall, you're getting a rim-job. Yeah, you're like hallucinating that like a hotter dude is eating your asshole. Isn't a rim-job just where you cum on the asshole?

Starting point is 00:52:51 No, that's when you cunnilingus it. Yeah. Oh, okay. Cunnilingus. Yeah. Or cunnilingusing a butt. No, what? Rim-jobs is...

Starting point is 00:53:01 I call it butt-a-lingus. And we call this episode butt-a-lingus. There we go. You know, and we call this episode but a link. There we go. You know how Bob Saget is our parents Daniel Tosh. Rim job is

Starting point is 00:53:16 our parents eating ass. Wonderful. And that broke me. God damn it. All right. All see

Starting point is 00:53:24 come on. We bomb at the La Jolla Comedy Store later tonight. Which of the following is not And that broke me. God damn it. All right. All sequel edition. Come watch me bomb at the La Jolla Comedy Store later tonight. Which of the following is not a real Viper album? A, Give Me Five Five. These are all sequel edition. Give Me Five Five. B, Squeeze You Like an Orange Meme 2. C, Can I Borrow Your Charger 3?

Starting point is 00:53:43 Or D, She Smoked Angel Dustger 3? Or D, she smoke angel dust my main too. Tom first. Which is the following is not a real Viper album sequel. God, I'm going... Tom has some glitter in his beard and it's pretty awesome. It's cooling his face down. You best of ass, bitch. I'm going to go with D and I don't have any good logic besides I feel like that sounds the least obscure somehow.

Starting point is 00:54:13 Okay. And, yeah, but, God, squeeze me like an orange meme, too. Yeah, I'm going to – I think he knows what memes are. I'm going to go I think he knows what memes are. I'm going to go with D. Okay, I'm going to say... Give me five. Five. Because I think that orange meme one is so asinine retarded, it has to be real.

Starting point is 00:54:33 Yeah, I agree. Interesting. Yeah, let me borrow your charger. Sounds like something this man has yelled on several buses. Yes, correct. And what was D again? She smoked angel dust, my main two. It couldn't be more real.

Starting point is 00:54:44 Yeah, it's A. It's the fake one. Ramsey Bedell. Yeah, you know what? I'm left with two options, really, if I want to try to separate myself in this game. And I think Can I Borrow Your Charger? A man who puts out an album a day does not have time to charge his phone. He also does not have a phone. He's also not giving that charger back.

Starting point is 00:55:03 Absolutely. And I'll tell you right now, it's not an iPhone charger. I promise you. This is a flip phone. Yeah, this is an Android that they give you for free in a box of cereal. This used to have Mentos in it, and it's just kind of shaped like a phone. So I'm going to go with B, which is the crack one, or what was it? The orange meme one. Oh, that's the one I'm going to go with B, which is the crack one. Or what was it?

Starting point is 00:55:26 The orange meme one. Oh, that's the one I'm going with. I'm going with whatever one they didn't go with and the one that wasn't a charger. How many have we gotten so far? You're going with D, then, is what you want. I went with D. Oh, then you want B. B. All right, guys.

Starting point is 00:55:37 The correct answer. D. She smoked Angel Dust, my main. Has anyone else gotten one so far? No, I think, Tom, you're winning. Yeah. Yeah. Wow, this is... What's funny, because I don't think you've ever, like, retained one piece of information

Starting point is 00:55:51 you've been given from a witch of the following round. What's A again? What's B again? Okay, what are letters? What are we doing? What am I talking to this metal sausage? I literally just tried to fucking break down what I think makes sense in the three-second span where I'm going to remember what was said.

Starting point is 00:56:06 The witch of the fellowship, Gandalf, the Ents, what's the dudes? Bat midget and other midgets. Smag them. They're like Mexicans, but with axes. The dragon smegma. Alright, guys. Round number four, all life advice edition.

Starting point is 00:56:22 Which of the following is not a real Viper album? A. Put some relish and musta on it. It ain't extra too. B. Google rapper Viper to listen and download his free music three. C. Don't go to banks. Put your money in the mattress four.

Starting point is 00:56:41 Or D. Kill yourself boy five. C and D are real. Kill Yourself Boy 5. C and D are real. Kill Yourself Boy 5 and Don't Put Money in the Bank Under Your Mattress 2 or whatever. That's real.

Starting point is 00:56:55 I can't imagine a world where this man has money or a mattress. This dude sleeps on cardboard on top of shittier cardboard. I can't imagine a world where this man is still allowed in a bank.

Starting point is 00:57:05 This guy has posted every one of these albums from a public library. This man has been banned from so many banks for taking free coffee. This guy has eaten a lot of continental breakfast at hotels he didn't stay at. Just walks in barefoot to a ramada. He's like, these are just whoever's waffles. These are just whoever's waffles. Commuter waffles. Dude, speaking of which,

Starting point is 00:57:26 you guys ever eat eggs at a continental breakfast in a hotel? I do, yeah. Nope. There's no food that gives me worse gas than eggs from a continental breakfast. It gives me funny... I kind of like the synthetic egg, weirdly, though. It's the same as McDonald's egg.

Starting point is 00:57:40 It's weird. Yeah, I don't like it. I eat it every time, and I hate it. Yeah, I've always wished eggs tasted like nail polish. I fuck with a hotel breakfast so heavy. Me too. That's my favorite part of going on the road is getting to eat a hotel breakfast. I eat a muffin and then mope.

Starting point is 00:57:54 I don't like it. You guys know you can just walk into a hotel and eat breakfast. I've done this several times. Wow, I did not know you. We were just talking about Viper doing this exact hustle. Oh, yeah. No, absolutely you can because they're not going to be like, sir, they're going to be like,

Starting point is 00:58:07 it's an English muffin, let's, he'll probably leave. I, dude, I, whenever they try to do the thing where they're like, breakfast is between 5.30 a.m. and 5.37 a.m., like you're going to do that thing in the morning,

Starting point is 00:58:18 I'm so fucking like just cheap and poor that I'll be like, I set an alarm. I'll be there at 5 fucking 29, you mother, I'll be waiting yeah exactly yeah i like set an alarm i go down and just get like a whole bunch of food and then go back to sleep for two hours to wake up and i'm like oh i have turbo breakfast yes yeah yeah it's good can i hear a and b again and then c and then d a is put some relish and musta on it it ain't extra too

Starting point is 00:58:40 b google rapper viper to listen and download his free music three. Real. That's real? This guy rules. I'm going with A. I'm going with A as well. Dude, does Viper have a Patreon? I would like to donate our earnings.

Starting point is 00:58:53 I'm going D. All right, guys. The fake answer. C, don't go to banks. Put your money in the mattress drawer. What? Yeah. That was the one I was sure of.

Starting point is 00:59:01 This was real. That's, yeah. Well, yeah, but I mean, he doesn't have a mattress. He called it. He sleeps standing up like some kind of ghetto vampire. Like a vampire who cannot afford a ledge for which to dangle. You can only afford to get grills on the fangs, so he just has two studs. They wouldn't let him bring the mattress onto the subway he sleeps on.

Starting point is 00:59:22 It wouldn't fit through the door. He's just trying to twist it. And then it takes off and it hits the wall and bends. He has a whole hollowed out mattress with just one $5 bill in it. He lives in a Denny's. He buys four things a day. Spaces them out well.

Starting point is 00:59:39 They don't tell him to leave. I get all my calories from coffee and jelly packets. I record this shit on my laptop mic. All right. At what point do they kick you out of a Denny's

Starting point is 00:59:50 if you buy something once every five hours? I once stayed at a Norm's, which I know isn't the same thing, for I think eight hours. I've done eight hours

Starting point is 00:59:57 at a Denny's before when I was waiting for a friend of ours to get out of jail. Oh, wow. Yeah. Who? What?

Starting point is 01:00:04 It rhymes with a shmishmivia grace. Oh, wow. Yeah. Who? What? It rhymes with a schmishmivia, Grace. Oh, nice. It's not like a private thing. You said schmishmivia, and I was like, who the fuck could this be? That's the Russian girl whose grandma was eaten by a horse. Schmishmivia is that yogurt that makes you poop. Schmishmivia.

Starting point is 01:00:23 Eat your vegetables or schmishmivia is coming. It sounds like an old folk tale my mother would tell me about. Schmish, shmish. Eat your vegetables or shmish, shmish is coming. It sounds like an old folk tale my mother would tell me about. Shmish, shmish. Yeah, the girls would masturbate too much. She goes and gives them a bad attitude. All right, guys. Round number five. All real or all fake.

Starting point is 01:00:37 A, you went to the county jail, not the penitentiary, pussy and word. B, hole in the sky is mad real. C, it'd be heaven on earth if cops were drafted and not hired. D, freemovers.com. Is N-word A or E-R? A. I thought it might have just said N-word. Yeah, yeah.

Starting point is 01:01:02 How great would it be if Viper was like, I don't like to promote using slurs in my music i don't use profanity family music with lessons about where to download my music now who wants to baking strategies community with me yeah uh i think they're all real they gotta be really invested uh currently screwdrivering a full can of rockstar i'm assuming so you can beer bong it out the side. I'll have to shotgun it. Yeah, absolutely. All right, Tom.

Starting point is 01:01:27 All real or all fake? I'm torn on this one. None of them were sequels and that's like the first time we've gotten no sequels. I'm going to go real. I'm going to go all fake. They're all real.

Starting point is 01:01:43 Yeah. Yay. Of course Tom could figure this guy out. Did you get a Ramones case for your phone? Oh, yeah. I only got two out of it. I somehow won. You guys have never heard a Ramones song before?

Starting point is 01:01:55 Really? Really. Yeah, I've gone this far. I'm just like, that's fine. You would love the Ramones. No, Ramsey would not. They're too authentic. Nah.

Starting point is 01:02:03 Do they have a corporate sponsor? What's up? Do they have a corporate sponsor? I mean, in're too authentic. Nah, you... Do they have a corporate sponsor? What's up? Do they have a corporate sponsor? I mean, in death they do. They're lame enough that my brother bought me a phone case with them on it at the mall. So, they're pretty gay. That's a pretty good argument for me. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Starting point is 01:02:15 Well, they're not like... Their music doesn't contain aspartame, so Ramsey can't listen to it. A good 30% of their first songs are just about going to the beach. Oh, I know. They're great. All right, I'll play Ramsey Ramone's song. Is this who you showed me in the car? Do they have any songs about falling in love in the summer?

Starting point is 01:02:31 Oh, you better believe. That's 90% of the catalog. So I'm going to love them then. All right, I'll play you one. This is the tree from which pop punk grew. It is, actually. One time, Connor was listening to a song that I was playing, and he's like, this sucks. And I was like, just because you haven't been in love in the fall.

Starting point is 01:02:47 It did suck. Do they do Hi Ho Let's Go? Yes. Hey Ho, not Hi Ho. I've heard that song in a Target commercial. I saw it in Dad's Day Care. Yeah, they were in lame. I saw them in Daddy Daycare. Yeah, they were in Daddy Daycare. They were in Daddy Daycare?

Starting point is 01:03:10 Yeah. Oh, God. What a ringing endorsement. Now I think I don't like the remote. Yeah, the music was in Daddy Daycare. Yeah, this is dope, dude. Yeah, yeah. I just opened up a whole world for you.

Starting point is 01:03:23 All right. Well, on that note, the Meat Boys podcast will be right back. Yeah! In the world, California, yeah. I just opened up a whole world for you. All right. Well, on that note, the Meat Boys podcast will be right back. Yeah! In the world, California sun. When I'm going out west down on the coast. I don't like songs that remind me other people are happy. That's fair. Easy peasy.

Starting point is 01:03:39 I have to piss. Guys, I thought I enjoyed music for many years, and then I purchased a pair of studio headphones. And now you know the truth of sound. And honestly, everything before that time was dog shit. If you feel like music no longer brings you joy, if you feel like not even the things you thought you could rely on to cast a light on your dark life have failed you.

Starting point is 01:04:06 You need to buy studio headphones. It's the only way out of the pit that you're currently wallowing in. Every ad read you do kind of sounds like a suicide note. They're the premium on-ear model we're wearing right now. That's the Regents. They also have earbud versions, top-notch Swedish quality, fucking super bass, maximum treble. They look pretty cool. He's not showing up today, but Mr. Ear won't shut the fuck up about him.

Starting point is 01:04:29 Mr. Ear will shut the fuck up forever because he's fired from the show. Mr. Ear is an enigma, and he appreciates him, and so do I. I didn't have him for a week because I left mine in Fresno, and then someone had to retrieve him for me. And I am as excited to get back my headphones as my computer. There you go. They got good battery life. They got Bluetooth. They also got wire if you like wire. Wire is good. Yeah, I do wire.

Starting point is 01:04:53 You can hurt people with wire. Yeah, go to studioswedan.com. Yes, and you can fucking piano necktie strangled. What is that? Piano wire. Garote.

Starting point is 01:05:06 Garote. You can do that with them. We got close to getting through this one. By the way, I looked up what our fan that went to jail did. Oh, what? Strangling is on the list. Are you serious? Strangulation, yeah.

Starting point is 01:05:17 Wait, whoa. It's like strangulation, kidnapping. Should we really put this in the studio? Yeah, why? Okay. Shut up. So use promo code MEANBOYS15 at studioswedent.com and don't kill anybody or send them this ad. Oh my god.

Starting point is 01:05:38 We're moving units. Just shut up, studio. And we're back to the Mean Boys I just thought West Jedi was pretty good So yeah, do you guys think existence precedes meaning? Are we back? Tweet us, let us know Yeah, sure, we're back

Starting point is 01:05:57 At the Mean Boys It's not even the fucking Twitter handle and you know it It's like over the break everyone but me read a Nietzsche book and just got all fucking sad and kind of smart. I don't think Nietzsche's sad. Shut up. I don't. You fucking hot take potato. He's fucking realistic about shit.

Starting point is 01:06:16 Yeah, I'm with Tom on this one. He's a guy who's never read any more about Nietzsche than just like the Wikipedia article one time when I was 14. I've never finished, I've read like half of his book twice. Yeah, it is hard for me to shit on Nietzsche

Starting point is 01:06:28 when our merch literally has his quote on it. I bet. Oh yeah, no, yeah, I read that one book, The Super Bitch.

Starting point is 01:06:36 I want to hear a super embarrassing story by the way, I was talking to a girl. Yeah, the spake the zoo or whatever. I was talking to a girl

Starting point is 01:06:43 I was seeing and she's got like the wristband, the fuck everything got is dead. She was like, oh, is that Nietzsche? And I'm like, no, it's from my podcast. We came up with it and she just goes, no, that's fucking Nietzsche. Oh yeah, we're idiots

Starting point is 01:06:54 and plagiarists. You didn't know that was Nietzsche? My brain didn't click it. Can you stop power drilling near my brand new phone? It just turns on for no reason. That's because Tom's short circuit electrical equipment wasn't there. I think I had a dream about this.

Starting point is 01:07:09 I'm not even kidding. It's not turning on for no reason. You're pushing the button. No, but sometimes... Okay, you're right. You're right, but you're right. That's a really good reason for it to turn on. You turned it on.

Starting point is 01:07:19 I dreamt that moment. I'm not fucking with you guys. Hey, watch this. Oh, God damn it. Tom's having premonitions. Oh, no. Nostradamus. Nostradamus.

Starting point is 01:07:29 What are you, Red Foreman? If in 2018, Tom starts manifesting telekinesis. I've done it. Oh, man. Good thing you didn't make any good predictions. He's like, we're going to get in trouble and everyone's going to die. I didn't dream any of that shit. Yet.

Starting point is 01:07:45 Yeah. I was talking to my girlfriend and she's like, isn't your podcast slogan like, we're going to get in trouble and everyone's going to die. I didn't dream any of that shit. Yet. I was talking to my girlfriend and she's like, isn't your podcast slogan like fuck God or something? I was like, it's fuck everything. God is dead. You can't fuck him when he's dead. Which I dispute. I don't think he ever existed in the first place. Yeah. And I'd only fuck most things.

Starting point is 01:08:00 Well, I suppose it depends on your definition of God. What are we doing here? We got voicemails, right? Ramsey, I'm so bummed you'd take that moment to hit the vape. That would have been... Yeah, I don't understand how you can like a Trey U in nihilism. I love a Trey U. You're not talking about Trey U on this podcast.

Starting point is 01:08:19 What is that? You don't need to know. Actually, you'll probably like him. It's so hard to see why your eyes are rolling. They were a band that was huge in 2002. All right, guys. Mercifully.

Starting point is 01:08:33 You're right. Hey, Mean Boys. This is Josh. Josh Work Thought on Twitter. I found out my dog has cancer today. Tom dreamed that. Why not call you guys?

Starting point is 01:08:53 I'm the one who got the tattoo thing, too. I have to mention it every time. Oh, the tattoo. You guys should talk shit about whatever. Also, I have MS, so maybe

Starting point is 01:09:09 we could set up a thing to do contributions to that. I'm sorry. I'm real high when I cause you. Alright. You guys have a great day. Look, dude. I just want to say thank you for spending that money on that tattoo and not dog medicine. And he wants advice from

Starting point is 01:09:26 the hipster full of dry ice as Ramsey vaped through the entire emotional high voicemail. I'm just saying, having Microsoft is not a reason to have a GoFundMe. I feel like the joke would hit hard if you two weren't miming something to each other.

Starting point is 01:09:42 Oh yeah, Tom wants to hit a vape. Can you hit Rames' vape? Yeah, let's all listen for a minute while Tom hits his vape. I will say this. If it goes as well as it went earlier, it's going to be pretty great. Let me try to cheer up this guy on this. Okay, Tom is hitting the vape. Your dog only loves you because you pet him.

Starting point is 01:09:57 There it is. I'll say this. I would rather have a dog that's going to die. We have one. Good boy. Oh, that's mean to die. We have one. Good boy. Oh, that's mean. Old shouter. I feel like I'd rather have a dog that died.

Starting point is 01:10:13 Tom, you look like you're staring into the sun. Tom, you're sweating because you tried to breathe fruit. You look like you swallowed a whole pringle. It's just going down your windpipe. Let me try again. Hang on. Let me video this for the Twitter.

Starting point is 01:10:29 I want to hear Ramsey sing. That was the most Ramsey side. Guys, just think. I speak out of my uvula. Do you guys know what a uvula is? It's a dangling thing on your throat. It's like a pussy for your face, I think. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:10:45 Oh, boy. When Tom gets mid-cough, it looks like he's singing an ACDC song. Tom just looks like he found out the McRib. Tom's eyes are watering so much, he looks like he just found out the McRib is never coming back. I don't eat meat.

Starting point is 01:11:02 Yeah, good. You can have the McRib. Holy shit. You all right, champ? Yeah. All right. Okay. Yeah, that's really sad about your dog.

Starting point is 01:11:12 Tom's the first person who's ever gotten stoned off of nicotine. Oh, my God. He's still going. All right. Yeah, I mean. No more people. He's supposed to chew Pringles. Who could have known? Look how much you're sweating.

Starting point is 01:11:26 I think you should maybe get a new dog. Sounds like your old one's broken. I just feel like I would rather have a dog that died than have an animal like a tortoise that was going to outlive me by a thousand years and then I resent it. It is you just being dead in your bathroom with the tortoise in the bathtub.

Starting point is 01:11:47 I was thinking about this. Tortoises live to be like 150. They can smoke, and they will outlive all of us. That's crazy. I would love to be a smoking tortoise. For my eighth birthday, I got... New Patreon goal. Tortoise.

Starting point is 01:11:59 Smoking tortoise. My present on my eighth birthday was a desert tortoise, but I never got it. It was just the paper. It was paper saying we were going to get a desert tortoise Because I wanted one, we lived in Vegas So we didn't have one And then I didn't get it But desert tortoises are fucking cool

Starting point is 01:12:16 That's a great gift idea for my I would like to stand on two tortoises and use them like roller skates I think that would be a lot of fun Let's call that Flintstones roller derby So thanks for getting a tattoo of fun. Call that Flintstones roller derby. So thanks for getting a tattoo of us. Sorry, dogs are gay or whatever. And your miss.

Starting point is 01:12:33 Sorry your hands can't move. Is that what MS is? You can't move your hands? Montel Williams has it. I don't think he said he has MS. He said he had Venmo. No, he said he had MS. He said he had MS.

Starting point is 01:12:41 Yeah. Did he? I thought he said he had Venmo. On the bright side. Why did he say that? No, I don't think he has MS. No, he said he had MS. That's Did he? I thought he said he had Venmo. On the bright side. Why did he say that? No, I don't think he has MS. No, he said he had MS. That's why I made that awful Microsoft joke. When did he say it?

Starting point is 01:12:50 At the very end where we think he said Venmo. Also, I'll do an impression of him. So maybe we could set up a contribution thing. Yes. He didn't say, I want a contribution. I want to call you. A little bit before this. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:13:01 You guys should talk shit about, you know, whatever. Oh, also, I have MS, so maybe we could set up a thing to do contribution. Oh, shit.

Starting point is 01:13:11 He does have MS. Now I feel bad. Yeah, well, how'd you guys hear Venmo? I don't know. I just assume everyone wants money from us. Well, I'll say that.

Starting point is 01:13:19 I guess it's true. Dogs really do start looking like their owners. He called us. He wants this. This is a man who got fuck everything he got and tattooed on him

Starting point is 01:13:29 over his skeleton. I don't think we really know if the listeners do want this because the guy who's pedophile grandpa molested his dentist daughter never followed up with us. We never.

Starting point is 01:13:37 I don't know why anybody thinks we're therapists. I don't know why people come at us with this heavy shit. This is what we have available. That's not cool. I don't have the equipment. Okay, so you have MS.

Starting point is 01:13:45 I'll say that. Does the dog have it? No, the dog has cancer. Montel Williams. Let's pitch it and buy this guy Montel Williams' book. He had MS and he's doing fine. He smokes weed. He fucking, you know,

Starting point is 01:13:57 he hosts a daytime talk show. I have known people with MS who are like, it's not like treatable, but it's like a thing where you can be all right. Yeah, it's not treatable. Yeah. It's not treatable. They're curable. a thing where you can be alright. Yeah, it's not treatable. It's not treatable. Shut up. I don't know. There's varies of MS. I mean,

Starting point is 01:14:12 I don't... Are you more bummed about that or your dog? Yeah. I'm sorry you got that. Not that you should pick a... It's not like a mom and dad are divorcing thing. They're not related. I'm sorry you got meg mega stromboli or whatever. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:14:26 And then when you hit 13 years of having MS, you can write a book called MS 13. My struggles. Fuck you. Oh, Ramsey's fired. Listen, guys. I'm here trying to cheer up a guy. I'm not here roasting a guy with MS like you. You're a mean boy.

Starting point is 01:14:43 Yeah. You guys really abandoned me. I know. I was never with anyone. I don't know whose side I'm on. I know I'm kind of tired. I'm not really crushing this one. Well, I'll say this.

Starting point is 01:14:53 I'm anti-MS. Everybody else here who's anti-MS besides Keith? I'm undecided. I'm the Ken Bone of MS. Can you give your dog the same tattoo? I'll tell you why. Good point That fixes no one's problems

Starting point is 01:15:06 That's cooler Let's all raise some money for this guy's MS And then we'll have a Twitter poll Whether we're going to donate the money pro or against MS If we get pro We'll just make some kind of stronger MS Let's just restart the Ice Bucket Challenge That's ALS We could do some kind of stronger MS. Let's just restart the ice bucket challenge. That's ALS.

Starting point is 01:15:25 We could do some kind of like, we could start a weird challenge or something and raise this guy some money. That would be fun. What could we do? Take the hot sauce pee hole challenge. Something slightly more palatable. Alright, here's the challenge. You have to read Montel Williams' book.

Starting point is 01:15:43 I have to give you My old drinking schedule And if you don't get pancreatitis Then you gotta donate What kind of a drinking schedule? You have to go clock in What is this like Take a penny, leave a penny jar of diseases That you're trying to start here

Starting point is 01:15:59 He blocks in and he blocks out It's just annoying how many people tell you Oh yeah, my uncle died from that. I need more living people with disease to spread awareness. Well, it's like any amount of money we could give him would do nothing for his life, but it would make our lives immeasurably better. And the only service we can really provide is entertainment. So I think that this guy should pick himself up by his own bootstraps. Absolutely.

Starting point is 01:16:23 No matter how much his hands are shaking. Oh, shit. Yeah, I don't know. I feel bad. What can we do? It's fine. What challenge can we do for him? I gave a good pitch. He got it. Well, all that tattoo money he could have been spending on treatment, but I mean, I guess... I don't know how that's...

Starting point is 01:16:39 Let's think on this. We'll think about it. Maybe we'll think of something. To be continued. Hit us up again Tell us some more about you I want to know Here's some questions I want to know Do you have a girlfriend? How great would it be if he was like

Starting point is 01:16:49 I said Venmo you guys Yeah No keep Sorry you're going through that shit man Yeah We love you buddy Yeah all joking aside dude You're a rad dude

Starting point is 01:17:00 Is there any kind of like Non-monetary thing we can do to help We'll totally be Yeah We just don't have money for you. Yeah, and I feel like a bitch that you have a tattoo of this podcast and I don't. I should get a tattoo. You inspire me.

Starting point is 01:17:13 Would you get a tattoo of the podcast, Tom? I just want tattoos in general, but I'm also fat, and so I want to lose weight before I get them. Yeah, I'm kind of with that. Yeah, so it's not like watching a movie in the wrong resolution. You got a bunch of black lines on the side of it. Do we have another voice one? We do, yeah. Hit it.

Starting point is 01:17:30 I have a... Hi, Mean Boys. I'm a huge fan. This is Josh from... This is how I imagined all of this. Is every fan of the Mean Boys named Josh? Oh, this is two Joshes. Maybe it's the same Josh.

Starting point is 01:17:41 He got cured uh my question is why do people always dismiss dating a female comic or at least having another comic and as a romantic partner everyone kind of is iffy and hung up about it you think you have a better connection with someone is equally if not more as fucked up as you are. Thank you, and good luck. I'll say this. I don't think any of us have ever dated a female. What? Why does this guy sound like his vocal cords are underneath his tongue?

Starting point is 01:18:17 Hey, me boys. Hello. I was wondering why people are... I'm a cartoon nerd. Did Richard Pryor's white guy impression call the call? I haven't dated any girls. I was busy driving my automobile. Why do they tell me not to date one specific kind of girl?

Starting point is 01:18:34 You're under citizen's arrest. You make people... I mean, yeah, it's a hard question to answer because, yeah, all of us date female comics. I don't know if it was the actual last yet. I bet it will be the last film that I am patronizing with my dollars that my mom gives to me. You know what it is? I'd say about 95% of all relationships fail.

Starting point is 01:18:58 And, oh, boy, is it fucking weird and awkward and complicated when you're working. You're still going to work with it. But you don't really work with them. You know, you don't really. You'll see them once or twice a week. Yeah, but and it just kind of depends on your situation. I think the bigger problem is like, I think

Starting point is 01:19:15 like hitting on female comics and doing that. I thought you were just going to say hitting them. And I was like, well. You want to punch ladies that talk less. Open hand. You can still do ladies that talk less. Open hand. You can still do spots at the stand. Closed fist. Not on the list.

Starting point is 01:19:33 Wow, that was good. Holy fuck, I'm a dick. Yeah, I mean, you gotta remember, every other fucking comic has also tried to fuck her, and so it's a constant thing for her. If you really want to go down the road, just be, you know, it's a constant thing for her. So just, if you're going to, if you really want to go down the road,

Starting point is 01:19:50 just be cool and know that it can get really messy after you break up. I'll say this. I think the thing is, is people say that, but if you, the thing is, is you hear comedians talk. So I think if you talk to somebody in the finance industry,

Starting point is 01:19:59 they go, no, never date abroad in finance, but nobody gives, no one's listening to Dave Ramsey's podcast. Yeah. Yeah. Except for me. I to Dave Ramsey's podcast. Yeah. Except for me. I love Dave Ramsey's podcast. It's really good.

Starting point is 01:20:08 People always call in and they go, hey, Dave, how you doing? And he goes, better than I deserve. That's pretty funny. Yeah, I saw two pimps at a library fight over the last copy of his book. Is he just like, he just owns shit? He's a Christian dude who talks about finances. He'll be like, yeah, it makes me feel good. I listen.

Starting point is 01:20:25 I hear people. They're like, I'm $5 million in debt. I'm like, I'm fine. Damn. So yeah, I don't think – I don't have a lot of experience with this. I would say don't date. Just get – Yeah, no.

Starting point is 01:20:39 Yeah. Just get married. I think I've dated, what, 14 female comedians? Yeah, something like that. Every single time it's ended, great. Yeah, I'll tell you what. Yeah female comedians? Yeah, something like that. And every single time it's ended great. Yeah, I'll tell you what. Yeah. It's always never.

Starting point is 01:20:48 Don't check any of their Twitters. Nobody's ever not talked to anybody for a long time and got back together several times and no one's ever been mad at all. No one ever moved to Riverside and quit comedy. That didn't happen. So, you know, it's good. Just go for it. I'll say this.

Starting point is 01:21:07 Date a female comedian. Don't say this Date a female comedian Don't arrange Marry a female comedian Like I did Alright We're going to go to the tweets Yeah Alright Let's see

Starting point is 01:21:16 At thoughts of O Our buddy Orion From San Diego Asks what was the moment That made you say Yep I'm definitely Going to stick with This comedy thing

Starting point is 01:21:22 I'll let you know When it happens Cha cha cha I have one If you guys with this comedy thing. I'll let you know when it happens. Cha-cha-cha. I have one. I don't know if you guys are still thinking of one. I think I have. I don't know if I've told this story on the show before, but I was dating a girl for a while,

Starting point is 01:21:33 and I started comedy while I was dating her. Bad relationship. And we were outside the show in Whittier, and we got in this big fight where she was just like, you care about comedy more than me. And I was like, I don't know. And she's like, you have to choose between me or comedy. And I remember pointing at the venue and just like, you care about comedy more than me. And I was like, I don't know. And she's like, you have to choose between me or comedy. And I remember pointing at the venue

Starting point is 01:21:47 and just going, I choose this. And feeling like such a pimp. And it was raining. And then I walked inside, left her outside, and then just bombed my dick off for eight minutes. And not in a triumphant way, in front of seven people who didn't even acknowledge me.

Starting point is 01:22:00 And then I had to drive home with her. She had to drive me back to our house that's so funny yeah but that was that was my moment i was like well i'm throwing my fucking hat over the wall here yeah i think for me it was when i i got out of the psych ward when everyone knew i tried to kill myself uh and then i talked about about it i'm speaking into the thing you're you're speaking into the steel part that holds the part you're supposed to talk into. Hold on. Tom's brain is loose.

Starting point is 01:22:29 Hang on a second. Ramsey, stop doing screwdriver bits. You can't have any accessory while we podcast. And I talked about it on stage and it fucking... It was like one of my best sets. And I was just like, oh, cool. And I just talked about being in the psych ward

Starting point is 01:22:44 and the suicide attempt and all that shit. And I was just like, oh, cool. And I just talked about being in the psych ward and the suicide attempt and all that shit, and I was just like, fuck. Okay. Cool. I can be okay at this. And then, yeah. It's been downhill since. You still got those spoons, though. No, I don't. They confiscated them. But I have the

Starting point is 01:22:59 spirit of the spoon is always with me. The spirit of the spoon. I feel like that should go into contention for episode title. No, it's Budalingus, but you should get a tattoo of a plastic spoon. Ram's bad. I have no story like this. I'm willing to, and I'm not saying this as a bet. I think this is the first year that I've realized this industry is retarded as shit,

Starting point is 01:23:21 and I'm ready to go at any moment, and I'm good enough to do anything else if I want to. This is the year where I'm like, you know what? I'm not like, this is it for me. Make or break. I'm like, look, I'll go to CIA. I'll do whatever the fuck I need to do. I'm actually going to start using my Patreon money to get Arabic lessons from Ramzi so I can join the CIA. I'll teach English in Dubai.

Starting point is 01:23:41 I've got no shortage of options that are related to translating English to Arabic. Nice. At Jesse Wagner 3 asked, did you guys enjoy your Kill Tony appearance? And is Connor reconsidering his sexuality after macking on the house band? No and no. All right. Well, we've reached the part of the show where Connor's no fun.

Starting point is 01:24:03 No, Kill Tony was great. Kill Tony was fun. Yeah, that was a real awkward interaction between you and Pat. Oh, yeah, I feel bad about that. I was just trying to be fun. Yeah, go listen to that episode to hear Connor get in a weird fight and then make out with a dude for a while. Yeah, dude, that was gay. It had to be.

Starting point is 01:24:15 It was so gay. How many dudes have I kissed in the name of comedy now? Like five or six, I think. I feel so cute. You, Raul, Joe, Earl a little bit. I don't remember that. Pat. I think that's it.

Starting point is 01:24:30 Okay. That's quite a bit. I think I'm not as gay as I thought I was. My dude's is pretty gay. I've never kissed a dude and I'm still funny. It's crazy. All right. You were great on Roast Battle, dude.

Starting point is 01:24:41 Yeah, I know. I've kissed a bunch of dudes and I'm way funnier. That's not even true. You're way funnier than me. At The Big Me meek ass how was your edgy little christmases it's pretty sad my sister got a lizard to replace the snake no different sister are you sure the snake didn't just grow legs she was so happy she started crying it was crazy uh it's christmas those are just crocodile tears huh guys is guys? Is Christmas like reverse Ramadan? Where you guys drink water and eat?

Starting point is 01:25:10 I mean, yeah, kind of. Cool. I want Ramsey. You need to start the confused Muslim character. You need to. It would be so funny. Yeah, no. Well, yeah, Ramsey just went and ate baklava And played board games

Starting point is 01:25:25 I got a cooler Did you have any baklava? No baklava Just sad You brought some legit Like West Bank embargo baklava I did After a long time

Starting point is 01:25:32 I'll bring it back It was still not that good It was like This is the best treat we have And I was like This blows Baklava is amazing Everyone went wild for baklava

Starting point is 01:25:41 For the Middle Eastern baklava You just You're too white, Connor It's not for you, man Wow, dude Baklava fucking rips, dude Baklava is wild for the Middle Eastern baklava. You're too white, Connor. It's not for you, man. Wow, dude. Baklava fucking rips, dude. Baklava's so good. I love Middle Eastern food.

Starting point is 01:25:51 Yeah, Middle Eastern food is good. And Indian food. The people, not so much. But the food is good. The food is good. All right. And last one. At Sierra Romeo 94 asks, would you rather have a lifelong career but always be associated with a sex scandal, not rape, or be famous for a few years and then fade away completely like Carrot Top?

Starting point is 01:26:09 Is Louis not rape? Are we talking like Rob Lowe type shit? Because I'll take Rob Lowe. Yeah, I'll take the Rob Lowe for sure. Also, this person thinks Carrot Top is gone. Carrot Top is just a millionaire in Vegas now. I actually looked it up. Carrot Top is worth as much as Kim Kardashian.

Starting point is 01:26:23 Holy shit. What? That rules. It does. That's pretty great worth as much as Kim Kardashian. Holy shit. What? That rules. It does. That's pretty great. I'm so glad I bought his fragrance. And they're both famous for having a bunch of junk in the trunk. Here we go. Have a good night, folks. That was Keith Carey.

Starting point is 01:26:38 You can catch him at the La Jolla Comedy Store. Four days ago when this comes out. Yep. Gotta be honest, both of those sound just terrible. terrible Sex scandal or what was the other option? Like get really famous for a couple years And then go to obscurity They use carrot top as their reference Sure sure sure

Starting point is 01:26:54 But in reality they mean like Like a Dane Yeah yeah Okay Whoa You guys didn't see planes? I love the planes Dane's planes and automobiles

Starting point is 01:27:03 I'm gonna say this I would rather I'd rather fade into obscurity Because I think it would be funny To be a guy that people keep bringing Like I would love to be I would love to headline like a bookstore Because I'm in town

Starting point is 01:27:17 It's a big deal That sounds fun to me That is pretty funny And this is We're going to bring in Ramsey He's a comedy expert Anytime somebody says something like that I feel like I, you can be obscure and still make a good living doing comedy.

Starting point is 01:27:30 I mean, that's most comedians. And that's kind of the dream for me anyway. I don't want to be famous. Yeah, well. So. It's not that you're not famous. It's that people are going to be like, ugh, that fucking hack. Tom Goss.

Starting point is 01:27:41 Oh, I'm sure that's going to happen to me. And I'm living and dying by that shitty sword. Okay. Well, cool. That's the show, gang. Ramsey, what do you got to plug? You have a big thing to plug. Hey, everybody.

Starting point is 01:27:53 Tonight, January 2nd, come to Harvell's in downtown Long Beach. We're doing the second edition of Now's Not the Time Live. It's going to be fun. Keith Carey's going to be there. Tom Goss is going to be there. Connor McSpadden in spirit will be there. Ismael Lutfi from Jimmy Kimmel Live will be performingpadden in spirit will be there. Ismael Lutfi from Jimmy Kimmel Live will be performing.

Starting point is 01:28:07 A lot of very funny people. Ismael Lutfi? Ismael Lutfi. Oh, he's great. Yeah, he's a really good comic. I thought you said Lutfi. No, no, no. He's fucking genuinely really, really funny. A lot of shenanigans that have not been written yet will be

Starting point is 01:28:22 Oh, no. Nah, it's fine. I like writing under pressure. That's when the bombs come. It'll be fun, man. We'll have a good time. Please come. I'm getting a lot of grace. Tom just broke the studio. Tom just

Starting point is 01:28:39 knocked something down. He just wanted to stretch. You fucking bulleted China Shops. It'll be fun. A lot of people coming out. So far it sounds like it'll be a good time. I would love to see some Mean Boys fans. Yeah, we'll post the ticket link on the Twitter. Yeah, check it out.

Starting point is 01:28:58 It'll be fun. Downtown Long Beach Harvels. Tom, stop moving. That's Downtown Long Beach Harvels. Tom, stop moving. That's downtown Long Beach, Harvels. January 2nd, 8 p.m. Come to that tonight if you're listening the day this comes out.

Starting point is 01:29:12 Tom, anything to plug? Yeah, Harvels at Long Beach. Yeah, thanks, buddy. That's it, yeah. You can find me always on the social media at Keith Tells Jokes. If you're in the Fresno area,

Starting point is 01:29:22 I'm going to be up there with Nicole Buchanan and Kyle Clark. January 7th, I will be at Barm Buchanan and Kyle Clark. January 7th, I will be at Barmageddon and Tulare. January 8th, Grog's in Clovis.

Starting point is 01:29:30 And January 9th, DeChico's in Fresno. So come hang out with us. We've got a lot of mean boys people out there. I just did that run. It was fucking great. Yeah, good times.

Starting point is 01:29:36 I started playing KOTOR. I'd only ever played KOTOR 2 because I couldn't find a good torrent for KOTOR 1 back in the day. But I bought it on Steam for $10. I'm enjoying that.

Starting point is 01:29:45 So if you guys have any strategies or tips and tricks you want to tweet at me, let me know. I'm playing a Jedi Guardian. My name is Guz Gassler. I thought KOTOR was a push. I just got off Taurus. I don't know what the twist is, so don't spoil it. I just know there is a twist.

Starting point is 01:30:01 Cool. Oh, follow me on Twitter, too, at Ramspad. I'm almost at a thousand Fuck everything God is dead

Mean Boys - EP 101 - Buttulingus (feat. Ramsey Badawi)

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