Mean Boys - EP 102 - The Australian Banana Bread Invitational

Episode Date: January 8, 2018

Support the show on Patreon: www.patreon.com/meanboys This week’s segments include “Mexican Joke Off”, “Price Check", “Good Cop, ____ Cop”, "The Lottery" and a game of "Which of the Following" with sexual paraphilias by @dark_homunculus. Get on the email list and fill out our 2018 tour survey to help us plan our big dumb adventure: goo.gl/forms/DKxdxTPtzebqYFPG3 Join the Mean Boys Celebrity Death Pool by emailing [e-mail] Get the new Wu-Tang t-shirt and all our past designs on our new Tee Public page: www.teepublic.com/user/meanboyspodcast Shop Sudio headphones and use promo code "MEANBOYS15" for 15% off all purchases: goo.gl/JWBAJK Contribute to the Mean Boys wiki: mean-boys.wikia.com/wiki/Mean_Boys_Wiki Send us an email at [e-mail] or leave us a voicemail at [phone] We are proudly sponsored by Don Carlo's Taco Shop in La Jolla California (www.eataburrito.com) Follow the show on Twitter: twitter.com/meanboyspodcast Follow Keith on Twitter: twitter.com/keithtellsjokes Follow Connor on Twitter: twitter.com/connormcspadden Follow Tom on Twitter: twitter.com/gossgoss6 Visit us on the web: www.meanboyspodcast.com Like us on Facebook: www.facebook.com/meanboyspodcast Follow us on Instagram: instagram.com/meanboyspodcast Follow us on Soundcloud: @meanboyspodcast Theme: I’ve Seen Footage by Death Grips (itunes.apple.com/us/album/the-mon…tore/id515449028) Buy Keith’s album (itunes.apple.com/us/album/forever-nap/id1105182043) Podcast logo by Luis Galvez: twitter.com/luiagal Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey everybody, welcome to the Mean Boys Podcast with Connor, Keith, and Tom. In the intro, a very important announcement just up top. I heard from a friend who's Eskimo Brothers with Quentin Tarantino that he sleeps in a bed shaped like a foot. And I want everybody here, we're going to talk about it later in the episode, but if you're just tuning in and you tune out for whatever reason, you've got to know that. It's very important. Yeah, and we believe that to be 100% true based on no evidence other than that it's hilarious. Leave us a review on iTunes.

We've gotten a lot of nice iTunes reviews from you folks lately. You can make them foot-related if you want. Yeah, here's one that comes from ThatIsArtist, five stars, equally offensive to all people, but in a good way. If you're looking for an episode to start with, try episode 87, Private Applebee's, or look for anything with Tom Tomperty.

I'm glad you like Tom Tomperty. Thanks for leaving us a review if you want to do it. Very easy, very simple, very quick, only takes a second, helps us look legitimate, a great deal. Again, we have way more iTunes reviews than a lot of podcasts with way more listeners than us. How many reviews are we at now?

164. God, you guys are great to us. Thank you. Still time left to join the Tom Goss Celebrity Death Pool. Yeah, and once again, I'm so sorry. I was slow over the holidays responding to emails. I think I'm all caught up now. It's all good. Get up on this shit, you guys. Yeah, it's going to be a good turnout.

It starts on January 15th, so get in, start making some picks, play along with all your favorite guests and hosts of the Mean Boys extended universe. I've got to make my picks soon. Yeah, so do I. I've been doing some research. Doing a little digging on some Hollywood blind items about people with secret drug problems. And once again, if you signed up for it and then created an account and didn't join the funeral home, please do that because otherwise you're not playing.

And we will tweet a detailed explanation of what you need to do to make sure you're logged in and ready to party. Yeah, I was organized and unorganized. I'm getting organized again, guys. Everyone get on board. It's going to be fun. Nothing's more terrifying than Tom when he's organized. Please support the show on Patreon. Only $5 a month gets you weekly bonus content. $10 a month gets you weekly merch.

Doing all kinds of cool. You got stickers, buttons, beer koozies, fucking wristbands, keychains. We're furnishing your entire apartment. We have a hilarious amount of merch for this dumb show. There's so much. We just have a whole trundle fucking box full of bullshit with Tom's face on it.

So please go on over there and sign up. And it helps us out a lot. It does mean the world to us that you guys help support us financially. That is a good amount of reliable income for us destitute losers every month. Indeed. We really do appreciate it. Fill out that tour sheet. We're going all over the country in 2018.

So please let us know the nearest major city you're willing to drive out to, how many friends you got, if we can sleep on your couch, all that good stuff. And we'll be announcing dates for that shortly with some pre-sale information soon to come. And yeah, I think that's about it. Right, guys? Yeah. I mean, just please fill out that tour sheet. Man, we want to perform for Mean Boys fans. You guys are the best fucking audience

members. Yeah. And we've already got some stuff locked in. We're locking in even more as we speak. So it's going to be a fucking party and a half. Yes. Indeed it is. Tell your one friend or your social worker about the show enjoy this week's episode hey everybody welcome to the Mean Boys Podcast. Your opinions are just the last thing you had explained to you by a confident adult. I'm Connor McSpadden.

I'm Keith Carey. And I'm a self-harmadillo. Oh, it's good to be back with my boys, everybody. No shell to protect me. You're all shell, my dude. We started off the show, we lit a candle sent to us by listener Lacey Madison. It's a Macintosh apple scented candle to clear the ghosts and the stink out of our house. Like the computer?

Yes, it's a computer scented candle. It smells like Asian child tears and bloody fingers. You know what? I forgot that Macintosh is also just a fruit. Yes, you did forget that, Tom. I did. I did. Yeah, that was a...

I've never been up on apple variety. God, Tom. I did. Yeah, that was a... I've never been up on Apple Variety. God damn it. I forgot that was the other opening nihilist quote I was going to use is, your phone was made by children whose fingers are too bloody to use them. Jesus fucking Christ. Well, next week, I'll just recycle that one. All right, before we get into anything else, I think we need to discuss what we were avoiding discussing outside.

We frantically started the podcast earlier than anticipated. We usually like good 45 minute intro sesh to just you know sit on the patio and talk shit but tom goss informed us that he went to vegas on a whim took a bunch of ed yeah let me let me run through the process of learning this information tom showed up in a very good mood and i was like oh you seem like you're in a good mood what's going on he's like i ate a bunch of edibles like oh and then you're like where to eat a bunch of edibles uh i i went impulsively to vegas and what was the third thing you told us i accidentally uh threw my debit card away in a bowl of fried rice all right now let's go back to the beginning here yeah give us a zoom out give us the story here tom i mean i mean the fried rice was an accident i wasn accident. I think it was a good idea.

I told them I wanted chow mein. Yeah, Tom, we know. Fried rice was delicious, though. This is not the part of the story

anybody gives a shit about. It's the quality of the fried rice. What part? How did this happen, you dumb idiot? What the fuck went down? Just impulsive decisions.

You know, you know what? No, Tom, you tell the best part of the story and then do every single detail nobody cares about. And it's infuriating and beautiful. What do you want to know?

Why did you go to Vegas? What is it? Because I felt like it. I haven't been there in a while. And then, yeah. How did the debit card? How? I haven't been there since I got my foot stuck in a shark.

Like, okay, now it's another 20 minutes. We've got to figure this out. No, I never foot a shark. But, yeah, now it's another 20 minutes. We gotta figure this out. Nah, never foot a shark. But, uh, yeah, no. Can't you just foot as a verb? I guess you can, but... You could fist someone. That's a verb. That's true. How did the goddamn

debit card get in the rice? I put it... It was in the receipt, which was by the napkin, and I was super high, so after I finished most of the rice, I just kind of threw it in a pile in the thing and then threw the thing in the trash. And then realized about 45 minutes later, because I got more high, it kicked in more. I was like, now I want pizza. So I want to get a spinach pizza.

I got a hankering for spinach pizza dude stop spinach pizza's a shit i love spinach uh yeah spinach is good pizza's good again could not give less of a fuck about your thoughts on spinach what happened to your only uh access to your very small savings yeah and then i was like okay i don't have a debit card. And then I talked to security. They didn't have it. I was like, oh, you know what probably happened? I was talking to security while you were high. It was, dude, it was fucking nerve-wracking.

Because it's like a felony out there, man. And if you're Tom and you're approaching... It's a felony to throw away your debit card in a bowl of rice. To be high, man, in Vegas. Oh, yeah. They don't want you i gotta say the little machine lights when you're high are amazing truth uh especially playing a game involving a dragon uh looking for dragon specific games is harder than you think

i asked the dragon about the card and and he said i didn't have any money no more did you get the card back or no okay yeah did you go like rooting through the trash while you're high no i was like this is going yeah i was like no i'll just cancel it i'm just picturing you stuck in a vegas garbage can like winnie the poo i gotta say a crazy amount of people also the first night i was high i was there two night first night i i wonder why i know any night, I got lost in a flamingo garden. This was for sure an Arby's where you saw something pink. No, I got lost in the flamingo garden.

I was trying to find a place to smoke, and I went outside. The flamingo kept asking me to put it out. I'm a passive-aggressive flamingo. Yeah. No, sir. So I go outside, and then, damn, I'm just in the middle of the flamingo garden. All these signs are like, you can't smoke near the flamingos. They don't like it or some shit.

Were there actual flamingos there? Yeah. They got full of things. Why do you think it was called that? I thought they just had a bunch of fake-ass flamingos. I don't like it or some shit with their actual flamingos there yeah they got what do you think it was called that i thought they just had like a bunch of fake ass flamingos i don't know then i was just like damn there's a lot of birds here i should leave them away from the cigarette smoke so now i'm just going deeper into the garden and then you're high going deeper into the garden and search for smoking it's not that big of a garden but but it was night, and I wanted the air. It felt nice, you know? It was night, and I wanted the air.

It felt great. That is the first line of a Bukowski poem about buying heroin. If I can smoke inside, I'm like, yeah, fuck you, clean lung bitches. And then I smoke inside, but I'm like, I like outside, so I went outside. I'm stuck in the flamingo garden. When I went back there, it is not that big. I was way too high. It is just one narrow thing.

It's just a pond with some flamingos in it. Yeah. I kept seeing all these signs. No smoking, no smoking, no smoking. There was one sign. No, there was a lot of signs. This is what I love about Tom. Whatever impression you might get from him, Tom is incredibly considerate of the rules.

I try to be nice to people and animals and shit, you know? No, I know. I'm not considerate of stupid rules. Yeah, no, you're not. But anytime Tom needs to order something or anything, he's just like, Hello, ma'am. How are you? I'd like 19 biscuits and a couple of napkins for my tears, please. And if it's not too much

trouble, can I get a map out of the Flamingo Guard? And so I'm still lost of the Flamingo Guard? And so I'm still lost in Flamingo Guard. Now there's signs. You've come too far. I want to make like a problem-solving, like click-based RPG where it's just you high in Vegas and you've got to figure out how to get out. Like one of those little games. The Tom version of Myst?

Yeah, exactly. That's the name of it. I was looking for it. And so I see these signs. I'm like, oh, cool. I can smoke here. And then all of of it. I was looking for it. And so I see these signs. I'm like, oh, cool. I can smoke here. And then all of a sudden I see a no smoking sign. Now I'm freaking out because there's a security guy looking at me.

And I'm just pacing back and forth trying to figure out very quickly. Cigarette's already lit. Can't put it out near the flamingos. That's bad for the flamingos, too. So I'm just like, am I clear or not? You don't have to put it out on a flamingo's eye. Am I clear? You don't have to, like, you know.

I just want the cigarette. That's all I want. Don't feed it to him. You don't have to p it out on a flamingo's eye. Am I clear? You don't have to, like, you know. I just want the cigarette. That's all I want. You don't have to pimp mark the flamingo. You can just lick your index finger and do a couple taps. Yeah, I gave a germs burn to a tropical bird. I just wanted to smoke the cigarette, and then I kind of, like, I was trying to yell, hey, can I smoke here? And then I just kind of yelled, smoke!

And then I walked away because I was like, that's not conspicuous enough. So I just walk away. And then he's like, hey, come here. And I walked over. I was like, hey, can I smoke here? He's like, yeah, you can smoke everywhere. What had happened is when I walked past the smoking area, I turned around and then it said no smoking again because that's where I just was. I just seen the signs.

I was really high. So, yeah, then I found a place to smoke. And then a bunch of old people. Dude, this is the worst Hunter S. Thompson story I've ever heard in my life. All these old people. Courtesy and confusion in Las Vegas. It was 11 p.m. It felt like four in the

morning i was all gacked up on brownies and i didn't know where i could smoke there were too many birds so many birds they came out of nowhere i turned around to where i just was and that became where i was again i asked the guy but the only word that came out was the one in the middle so it didn't make a lot of sense blah blahah, blah, blah. Something about Walter Mondale. Well, then the confusing part was that after I got high, like it never happened when I was not high, but after I got high, all these old people kept coming up to me and telling me I looked like a sunny guy. Charlie Day?

They said they kept it. Three different old people asked me if I was in Almost Sunny in Philadelphia. And I've never – That's A, not what it's called. What's it called? It's Always Sunny. What did I say? Almost Sunny.

Yeah. You maybe look like Charlie Day if you got stung by a lot of bees. I don't know. Yeah, you look like Charlie Day taking the Louis C.K. news very hard. I don't know who Charlie Day if he got stung by a lot of bees. I don't know. Yeah, you look like Charlie Day taking the Louis C.K. news very hard. I don't know who Charlie Day is. He's the guy from that show. How would you have not picked that up from Context Clues? That seems like an actor you have an opinion about. You have so many opinions

about actors. It's not Charlie Day. It's surprising to me. He's very funny. Is that a character's name or him? His name is, I think, Charlie on the show, too, but I mean, his name is, the actor's name is Charlie Day. Anyway, that is where the three different old people the show, too. But I mean, his name is the actor's name is Charlie Day. Anyway, that is where the three different old people. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. And when I say old people, I might I might mean machinations of my brownie addled mind. I may mean two slot machines and a flamingo. No, they were between the ages of like forty five and seventy. Okay. Old. All right. You know, in casinos, after you spend like two hours there, you just gain ten years.

You know? Yeah. Yeah. Oh, yeah. All right, that's old. You know in casinos, after you spend like two hours there, you just gain 10 years. You don't know how. Oh, yeah, dude. They were old and they were young enough to walk and wear a leather jacket without looking too much like a dude. Yeah, there's a Logan's Run thing where you're 65. I need that leather jacket. A diamond on the back starts glowing. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Once you're like 75, 80, it's like, dude, you're second. Every year, one rhinestone falls off the back until it doesn't actually say sharks anymore. Old chicks can wear leather jackets because you're just like, they don't give a fuck. But old dudes, if they try too hard, it's just like, oh, man. Yeah, I got a leather jacket. It's called my ball sack.

Are you that guy from It's Almost, though? Mooney in fucking Constitutionville? Are you the fellow from Pittsburgh Sunshine or whatever? One of the guys really, he was like, have you seen that show he's signing in Philadelphia? I was like, I think once or twice. He was like, really? Were you there when they filmed it?

He was very convinced. I'm like, I don't know who you think I am, dude, but I... Maybe they thought he was Danny DeVito. That's a whole other world we could have explored. Yeah. Yeah, you do kind of look like... I'll pull up a picture of Charlie Day for you really quick. They're at ages where their sight wasn't great, if that makes sense.

Right. Well, yeah, and you're in a smoky room. I mean, everyone looks like everyone next to the dragons. Here's Charlie Day. No, shut up! There's Charlie Day if you want to check him out. Yeah, I don't think I look like him. I think he's a good-looking guy, and I think you bear a slight resemblance to him.

I could see it from, like, maybe an old drunk person. Yeah. Yeah, they were probably drunk. Yeah, I mean, yeah, this tracks. It's in the beard, and you got crazy eyes. Yeah. Yeah, especially when I'm high, man. I've never seen you high, but I imagine it's the highest a person can be.

I've seen Tom high, and it's just kind of like being in a room with an animal that you just discovered. We're just like, wow, this has been at the bottom of the ocean for all these years. We didn't even know anything about it, and it's got a bunch of claws. Yeah, Tom smoked himself into being the Cloverfield monster. One of the scariest things ever said to me while I was high, the person was like, your eyes are different. Was, sir, this is a Target rewards card. ever said to me while i was high like the the person was like your eyes are different was sir this is a this is a target rewards card like your eyes you cannot buy pizza with this i was like what do you mean like your eyes have mosh pits in them and i was just like okay that's daunting

who said that to you you no your eyes have mosh pits in them is that an excerpt from one of keith's love poems from when he was in middle school yeah mosh pits in them. Is that an excerpt from one of Keith's love poems from when he was in middle school? She had mosh pits in her eyes. Next to the dragons, boy howdy. When I saw the photos, I was like, God damn, my eyes do look angry. There are photos. I send these to me immediately. I'll have to dig them up.

I have a very... Literally. They're buried in a mason jar. They're from two days ago, Tom. Oh, there were no photos of me high in Vegas. Oh, okay. Oh, the old photos. Okay. Yeah.

I mean, I'm sure there's plenty of security footage. Did you have any run-ins with the color orange this time? No, just flamingos. Yeah, Tom did think that the color orange was matted in one of his album times, which sucks because orange is one of Tom's favorite colors. Yeah, you know what? It was actually red last time I went. It's a comedy store, and I thought it was orange.

It was actually red. So that's just probably more weed shit. Okay, are you colorblind? No i don't i don't know i got a jacket that i was told is green but it's definitely gray for christmas and it's been fucking with me i keep looking at it going like this jacket is gray jesus christ yeah no i i usually me and colors are usually copacetic i don't i don't know if I have a blindness to some of them. You know, butterflies can see more colors than people can. On that note. Anything else happen in Vegas?

Sorry. Yeah, I'm sure it did, but not that I can think of. All right. Well, Tom, thank you for sharing that. That was beautiful. I think we're... Oh, I watched a lot of shows about cake, man. They are so much better

when you're high. I watch that. What's his name? The Fudge Lord? No, Netflix has got this show like Zumbot's Desserts or something like that. When I first watched it, I was like, that's like a Yu-Gi-Oh! trap card. I activate

Zumbot's desserts. This is fucking dumb. They try to make it all Willy Wonka and shit. Dude, do some edibles. And that shit is... They should have Oscars for shows to watch high. Like, that is... It was magical. Yeah, what was it called again?

It was like... Zumbos? I've heard about it. No, no, no. It was like... It's Zumbos. I've heard about it. No, no, no. It was like the Australian banana bread invitational or something. Yeah, that's the weird thing. They got this weird... We have an episode title.

They got this weird, retarded Brazilian girl who just shouts out times and yells at you. And she sounds just completely like a combination of Brazil, Valley, and just dumb. And so she's just like, Two, three hours left in the competition. That's not good. I don't know how that accent was racist, but I know we're about to get a lot of letters. I don't know what.

That was racist towards every single Eastern Bloc European country, every Hispanic person. The Virgin Islands. Somehow, yeah. I've talked to Brazilians. A Guamese man is going to send you death threats because of that voice. She did not sound fucking Brazilian to me.

She sounded, yeah, she sounded dumb. I'm going to watch this show and it's going to be hosted by a 72-year-old man. No, no, no. She's just, they just like, were like, I think her name's like Giblet or something like that. And like, we need Giblet to scream and help no your name is giblet all right so what's it called zada's cake fuck there's no planet where he's getting even close to the name of the i think it's zoombo's dessert something you've said nine different things zoombo's or zoombo's zoom at fucking cake cavern i know there's a z okay zoombo's

desserts that looks to be actually what it's called. Okay. Alright, I'm gonna find the name of this girl. Gigi Falanga. Oh yeah, that's a Gigi. You called her Giblets. Oh, Giblets Falango. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hey, Giblets. I'm trying to make a cake here. Elaine. And she just, yeah, she just

screams and shit. She's a real downer, man. Alright, well, she's not here to harsh your vibe, guys. But she screams like a happy dar-dar brain. Like she's not fucking. Every time we almost start the Mexican joke, you say the funniest thing I've ever heard in my life. She screams like a Mexican dar-dar brain.

No, not Mexican. He said happy. Oh, okay. I don't know where I got Mexican from. I said Mexican joke. Okay. Yeah, yeah. There you go. What? You're turning my brain into your brain, and I. He said happy. Oh, okay. I don't know where I got Mexican from. I said Mexican joke. Okay, yeah, yeah. There you go. What?

You're turning my brain into your brain and I don't like it. She was Brazilian, man. The Brazilian joke off. Let's get into the Brazilian joke off. Aye, whatever Brazil does. Volleyball. They like volleyball. Thanks, Tom.

Boy, you're always there when you need you. This is going to be so anticlimactic compared to the not exaggerating 17 minutes of Las Vegas marijuana escapades. I'm just saying, watch the show high. It's a lot better high. Well, Tom, you're really on to something. Television is different when you're high. I've never heard this take before yeah i mean i don't listen to stoners because typically like they don't make a lot of sense to me but they're onto something man i i tom what people like you know

even even even us who know sometimes we don't make sense to you yeah yeah no you don't make sense to you yeah but i know my intention yeah well it's not like you're like it's not like you're being like you just got a different way of like in taking information yeah yeah i noticed that when i was very young what your face except that you just said serious oh no i noticed it when i was very young well no in school i get like the wrong answers to things, but I'd be like, but here was my logic. They're like, your logic wasn't wrong.

You were just wrong. I had that, and this almost brought me to tears. There's one time they were like, we're learning the difference between facts and opinions, all right? So I'm going to tell you something. You've got to tell me if it's a fact or an opinion. And the thing was like, Carol thinks blue is the best color. And I was like, that's a fact.

And they're like, no, that's an opinion. I was like, it's a fact that she thinks that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, and they were like, well, no, Connor, it's an opinion because she thinks blue is the best color. That's objective. And I was like, no, but this bitch Carol thinks that blue is the best color. Yeah. Which, first of all, she's wrong, and she's probably a whore.

And second of all, give me my fucking Jolly Rancher because I'm displaying more fucking critical thinking than the rest of these fourth graders. I want out of here. Yeah. With a cigarette somehow. That's exactly, yeah, that's exactly preach. Yeah, that's me. The Brazilian joke? All right, kick push this bitch, Connor.

You got it. Fuck you, man. An Indian man was kidnapped and forced to get married at gunpoint. 29-year-old Vinood Kumar said at the ceremony, Well, that explains why your Pinterest page was all ski masks and AK-47s. That would be funny. My gunpoint wedding. You know, the special day.

And it's just like, why is there so many different pictures of duct tape? This is upsetting. That's a TV show for sure. How many, that Astrovan has been primered over so many times. A 1939 Mercedes owned by Adolf Hitler was auctioned off this week. To see the car in action, keep an eye out for the upcoming Michael

Richards episode of Comedians in Cars Getting Comforted. Oh, very good. I like that one. A man went around in my Hitler mobile. A man was arrested for trying to molest a sleeping woman on a flight to Detroit. Spirit Airlines will be

adding a $20 no fingering fee to avoid any future confusion. Damn. It is kind of weird sometimes when you just talk about normal shit. Yeah, that's the hardest thing for the Mexican joke. I was like, this is not how I write jokes. Did that really happen on Spirit Airlines?

Yes. Of course it did. It did happen on Spirit Airlines. Spirit Airlines fucking slogan might as well just be like, Spirit Airlines, welcome to the jungle, baby. And my question... You're gonna fly! Then I had to Google,

is Spirit Airlines the shitty airline everyone shits on? And I was right. Okay. Yeah, it's truly awful. Guys, the Trump administration has announced it will no longer allow staffers or their guests to use cell phones in the West Wing. The news comes after the selection of new chief of staff, Dave Chappelle. You recording me, Bravis? Man, I went to I went and saw the Misfits and they did the same thing

with the phone locked in a satchel technology and everybody was just like, oh, this sucks how do we get around it? My little brother was just like I have a very easy way and just cut the thing open with his keys Oh, yeah, yeah, I saw a lot of that's how I watched all the cell phone video for the show because I didn't go, guys We've been talking about it for months

Every Instagram post was just like yeah, you dude fuck you glenn like it was him specifically dude i was talking to someone that went to glenn danzig's house again last last uh last night and it's like we got to go go into silver lake and just fucking go make it happen and go go on a tour that's our urban exploration let's go the guy you like is in silver lake yeah well he moved but his house is here here. Oh. Yeah, because it's a whole legal battle. Looks like we got a new place to squat. Neighbors, telling me not to kill those ghosts.

We're going to record an episode at the fucking Danzig Squat Palace. That would be cool. I think we could pull it off. Yeah. We'll borrow someone's H6. Alright. A Sacramento youth soccer coach was accused of pimping out his teenage players, which does explain why he referred to every kid on the team as a Pele. He's a player.

Yeah, it works way better on paper. It's also not very good there. You know, Keith, that one was too good for me. Too beautiful for this world. It was, yeah. I'm not in, like, a thinking mood, but it was a well-constructed show. Not like usual. Alex Trebek is recovering from brain trauma

and surgery, or informally, the Tom Tomperdy starter kit. That is pretty good. I did see that story. The idea of him just answering everything as a question. What is what is my name? What is all of it?

What is going on? Alright, guys. Spokane county washington has dropped the rates charge against four members of a death metal band called decapitated citing duress by the victim during prosecution ironically a terrible metal band was saved again by a good breakdown that's a real good joke i couldn't get the words right and i also lisped a lot for some reason i got but yeah she was just like too stressed out with the thing and she's like oh let's just prosecute him later. I can't deal with this. I had to do a breakdown thing. We all got it.

First half of my brain wandered. I was like, oh, man, he's got something here. And then the punchline seemed funny, but I didn't hear the first part. Thanks, buddy. I appreciate it, man. Tom's breakdown of just explaining why he didn't understand that sentence you just said. Dude, I love it, man. I want to hear all the internal forensics. Yeah, man. time is crazy. Time is like Matthew McConaughey from True Detective if you just Google translated it twice.

I haven't seen that movie. It's a show. Well, I really haven't seen it now. Speaking of Hollywood, director Paul Haggis has been accused of rape by four women. This is his second brush with the law as he is still wanted on robbery charges for crash winning best picture in 2005.

It's a terrible movie and it shouldn't have won. This is like a joke that people that like are, you know. Oh, he crashed the movie. I thought you were saying he crashed the movie. What? You can't crash a movie. You can't Owen Wilson be like, I'm in this now.

Poke my head over the side. Oh, shit. Edit me out, bitch. Okay. That's my Owen Wilson impression. Edit me out, bitch. What's up? Classic black comedian Owen Wilson.

I'm in your motherfucking movie now. Shit. Owen Wilson. A Florida teen caught fire while trying to roast a marshmallow. Ironically, she burns at the perfect heat for her friends

to get that golden brown they were looking for. Okay. That was... That was bad. That was bad. I think you should have put s'more effort into that joke.

Oh, that was better than what I wrote. I know. Oh, man. Okay, guys. New York taxpayers paid for a $90 million factory that a company walked away from.

In a related story, one time I tried to learn to swing dance to save my relationship with my high school girlfriend. What's up, Opie? Opie's walking by. All right. Let's see this one. Employees at Disney World say they've received hundreds of complaints regarding the animatronic Donald Trump in the Hall of Presidents. Management is considering moving the statue to its own attraction, the carousel of whatever the opposite of progress is. You looked at that thing?

I was going to show you this. Yeah. Have you seen it? The Trump? The Trump animatronic? The animatronic Trump is very clearly, they started out to make an animatronic Hillary. Oh, jeez. What the fuck? They very clearly started out making an animatronic Hillary

and then had to fix it halfway through. I was about to say the exact same thing. Yeah, yeah. Because it's got Hillary Clinton's face. Why is his cheek covering his neck? Yeah, he's folded in. It's accurate. That's why.

He looks like Quatto kind of. Oh, jeez, man. Oof. Fuck that shit. A Texas woman has died after eating two dozen oysters containing a flesh-eating bacteria. Correspondent Fisherman Dice Clay says, oysters, you get what you deserve. I say you live by the clam, you die by the clam.

Oh, Fisherman Dice Clay. The good thing about the Dice Clay thing is you've got to have like a very proper like secretary of the interior dice clay. But you just went fisherman dice clay. That's a garbage man dice clay. It's an official position. Oh. Official. Official.

Oh, yeah, that's what you did. Oh. Yeah, that's all I got for that one. After 100 years, Europe's largest vultures, nicknamed the Bone Eaters, have returned to flying over the French Alps. One ornithological expert said of the birds, they're like the McRib, but for impending doom. Yeah, apparently they just carry away like little Russian women. They're just like, oh, no. Eat them and shit.

I belong to these guys. They were gone for so long, but they are back. Oh no, tell Giblet I love her. I was about to say, that's my impression of the host of fucking Zombo's Pastry Hour or whatever the fuck you're talking about. Have you guys ever had a McRib?

What? Yes. Yeah? Randall Maynard purchased a McRib for me at our Peace Summit on Unpops and I did not eat it. You should have eaten it. I didn't want to eat a McRib. It looked gross. You should have eaten the bite of it just out of the illusion of making peace before you went to war with that frail man. Feeble goon. I haven't listened to it.

I know they're good because people talk about them. Look, you guys, it's my whole thing. I just get in fights on more successful podcasts to try to drive listenership to us. You think, I love Pat Regan, all right? I love Randall Maynard. These are the best. are the fans of him. Tune in next week when Conor's on WTF and calls Marc Maron the N-word for some reason.

Obama did it. I don't see why I can't do it. All right. He did do that. How crazy is that? That's pretty nuts. Is it that crazy? Is this allowed?

You're questioning yourself. I didn't think it was that crazy, actually. Tom, we can just leave the room and you can just have this conversation. Everyone thought it was nuts. It's like, he's black. Obviously, he said it before and he's allowed to. When I say something, it goes through a whole customs line in my head. And they check the bag and look at it and inspect it.

Ah, that's good enough. So walk through the metal detector. Go ahead and say that. It's just like, brain, mouth, out. Yeah, that was crazy. Is it crazy? What does crazy mean? Yeah, where am I?

What's a flamingo? I'm playing in the garden. I never got that spinach pizza. No, I did. I ate it. It was great. Well, I'm happy for you, Keith. Save the worst for last here.

A Chinese space station is set to crash into the Earth in the year 2018. Typical Asian drivers. A hospital in Belfast is providing emotional support donkeys for child cancer patients. You're my emotional support donkey. In America, an emotional support donkey is what we call it when Madonna adopts another kid. What? So you're calling third world children animals? No, I'm calling Madonna the donkey. support donkey is what we call it when Madonna adopts another kid. What?

So you're calling third world children animals? No, I'm calling Madonna the donkey. But it wouldn't make sense if she adopts one. Yeah. Her kid wouldn't be the donkey. I'm too... First of all, if she's a mill, you've got to call her my donkey. Oh, yeah, my donkey. Hello, my lady.

Hello, my donkey. Hello, my material gal. All right, guys. What a rollicking Mexican joke. Jesus, what a voyage. Oh, Tom, thank you for all that. I'm sorry for all that grilling I did, but I just needed some information about that trip. Oh, no, I don't feel grilled.

I feel raw, man. I'm good. All right, well, we're all thawing out. I'm undercooked. We're going to be right back after we do something here. I require. OK. From CSI to CSI New York to NCIS, CBS is America's number one network for police dramas that somebody must be watching.

Maybe your grandparents. But it doesn't matter because this spring CBS is doubling down. Get ready for all cops, all the time. Mondays at 8, it's Good Cop, Bad Cop. One's a law-abiding officer with a passion for justice. The other is a loose cannon with a hair trigger. And if they can work together, they're going to crack the biggest case in town. Can we get you anything, Jimmy?

Coffee? Maybe something to eat? Kick rocks, pig. I'm not telling you nothing. Look, we know you didn't kill that girl. All we need to know is who did. You tell us that, this whole thing goes away. I'm not saying anything without my lawyer. Oh, you want a lawyer? I'll show you a lawyer, you son of a bitch. Listen up, scumbag, because playtime is over.

You're going to tell us what we want to know, or you're going to be touching your toes in federal prison by midnight. Then Tuesdays, it's good cop, sad cop. One is a law-abiding officer with a passion for justice. The other is just going through a really hard time since Deborah left. Just tell us what we need to know, and this whole thing will go away, Jimmy. I already told you. I'm not telling you anything until...

I'm sorry. Is he okay? He's just been looking out that window for like ten minutes. Hey, partner. You alright? It's springtime, but every day feels like winter without her. Hey, buddy. Come on. It's going to be okay.

Let's just focus on our work and get your mind off it, right? I've driven by her house so many times this week, my GPS started calling it home. It used to be home. Poor guy. Never mind him. Now look, we know you were at the docks, and we know whoever killed Susan was there too, so just give us a name, and then...

You gotta play that right now, champ? Then Wednesdays, it's good cop, rad cop. Something, something, two cops, but one of them is wearing rollerblades. Listen, Jimmy, we know... Cowabunga, dude! I'm not telling you anything, but that was pretty sick. Then Thursdays, it's Good Cop, Vlad Cop. One is a law-abiding, ah, fuck it, you get it, one of them is Dracula.

I'm not telling you nothing, pig, so you better call my lawyer. Out of the way, blah! Avant to suck a confession out of this son of a bitch! Holy fuck, you're a vampire! I'll talk. It was Pauly Knuckles. He killed that broad. Let's roll.

I don't roll. I fly. That's got to be way slower than taking a car, isn't it? He knows. He just stopped listening. And don't miss Friday because it's Good Cop, Good Cop. Can we get you anything, Jimmy? Coffee?

Sandwich? Phone call? Pick up your dry cleaning? Tix to Hamilton? Let you out of jail? Uh, yeah, that last one sounds great. Yeah, totally, no problem. Let me just get those cuffs for you.

I thought you were kidding. I can just go? Yeah, of course. For real? You guys know I killed a kid, right? Yeah, we all make mistakes. All right, cool. I guess...

Bye? You know, you're the best partner I ever had. Yeah, I was just thinking the same thing. Oh, yeah, we caught this guy bashing in a toddler's skull right in front of the station. I don't know what you thought was going to happen. Have a seat, Jimmy. Can we get you anything? Fancy cheese plate.

Jones soda. Signed photograph of Burt Reynolds. One of those massage chairs from Sharper Image. Model train set. Kid to murder. Yeah, that last one sounds good. CBS, we're just white noise old people ignore while they wait to die. And the Mean Boys podcast is back.

God damn it. This episode is going way off the rails. We're back with a new game this week. This game is called Price Check. Ching, ching. This is where a jingle would go if I'd made one. Brink, brink, brink, brink, brink, brink. That's the rails. We're back with a new game this week. This game is called Price Check. Ching ching. This is where a jingle would go if I had made one. That's the jingle. It is now. Holy shit. I went

down a pretty weird rabbit hole this week. I'm just looking at weird expensive shit that's been auctioned off over the years, like historical items. Okay. Yeah. And based on that, I went trying to check your Beanie Baby investments. Exactly. You ever tell the story about when you accidentally ripped the tag off that Beanie Baby? I don't know if I ever told that on the show, but I'll tell it now. You did, but it might have been a bonus episode.

Okay, well, I'll do the Cliff Notes version. I was dating a gal who was a fucking lunatic, and she had a Beanie Baby that she said was one of the first ones ever, and it had a tag on it. It was in a box. She's like, that's worth $10,000. I'm saving that to buy a house one day. She had it out, and I was cleaning, and I accidentally knocked the tag off of it. She came home and saw it and just was was like weeping and having like a full like mental breakdown

and then i went on ebay and it's worth like 20 dollars like i don't know where she got this ten thousand dollar fucking probably from the guy she bought it from for like five hundred dollars that's my guess dude the beanie babies are just cryptocurrency for people with massage therapy degrees it's fucking bean coin. Yep. Dude, beanie coin. I could fucking make that shit. Oh, dude. I'll do it just like CryptoKitties. You guys don't know what that is and I don't have time to explain. It operates on the Ethereum blockchain. Nor could I possibly care

less. Yeah, so let's get into this game. Alright, so basically the rules of this game are simple. I'm gonna give you two things. You guys have to tell me which of these two things is more expensive. Okay. Sold for more expensive. So let's start with auction. Some of them are auction. Some of them are just prices of things. Okay. Yeah for more expensive. So let's start with auction. Some of them are auction. Some of them are just prices of things. Okay.

Yeah. Cause I, I, it got, I got weird with some of them. Okay. Well here, let's,

the first one was two things that were auctioned off. So which of these auction for more money, a tooth belonging to John Lennon or a vial of blood belonging to Ronald Reagan? Ooh, damn. I can't think of two people I'd want cloned less Here's the thing The worst Beatle and the third worst Republican

Dude Who are one and two? Trump and Pence No, it probably goes Nixon At least Nixon was kind of Cool Yeah, well He did sort of divide America forever And we are still playing on the chessboard That he shit out of his evil ass Yeah, but he yeah, he did sort of divide America forever, and we are still playing on the chessboard that he, you know, shit out of his evil ass.

Yeah, but he had a funny voice. He did, and I judge all presidents by the amount of memes we get by them. And that's why I'm the Trump train. I really am. Oh, no. Obama, Biden bro memes. You know what sucks about the Obama, Biden bro memes is those really only flourished in the last, like, three weeks. You know, and those were a lot of fun.

And then I was just like, man, this shit had legs for days. It's gonna brought the country together, man. In a way, it did. Goddamn. But John Lennon in the current... I didn't know there were this many layers. John Lennon's Twitter.

Oh, my God. Oh, it would be inferior. Just like his bio is just the peace hands emoji. Oh, God. John Lennon would have been in that Kendall Jenner Pepsi commercial. Yeah.

He's re-recording Give Peace a Chance with Kesha doing the whole big We Are the World thing. Oh, he's playing the halftime show surrounded by just like African children. He's not paying. Oh, God. Yes, he would fucking totally do that. Oh, God. I'm so glad that fucker's dead. I hate John Lennon.

I don't hate him, but I'm just... No, he's a piece of shit. Was he the guy with the imagination? I hate when I can track your logic, yes. Well, Tom's trolling us with that one. That was a troll, I can tell. I know when Tom's, like, trying to dumb it up to fuck with me. I'm stuck in a Tom cloud after that whole first segment, so...

I'm stuck in a Tom cloud, man. Yeah, I guess I do hate him, because he's kind of like a wife-beating piece of shit. Yeah, and he abandoned his kid. Yeah, and then his kid put out a bunch of albums. Yeah. I've never listened to him. They might be good. Sorry, Sean.

Sean Lennon. And the other one. What's his name? I don't know. Fucking Zomber. Is it like Ico or something? Fucking Pear. Pear Peace L piece linen or what

the fuck yeah yeah fruit bag and then reagan's blood oh my god that would be so great to make a cocktail with like the most like you know how they have that like top shelf like you can take a scorpion shot of fucking they're gonna muddle reagan's blood yeah yeah like i can go to the like you know uh what the fuck like i can go to the abbey and for ten thousand dollars i can drink a bloody mary with a drop of r drop of Ronald Reagan's blood in it. That would be the fucking way to do it. That's the only blood at the Abbey you should be putting into your body. I'm going to say the tooth for John Lennon.

I'm going to say that costs more. People are fucking – they're a Beatle maniacs and they're a Reagan maniacs, but I feel like the Beatle maniacs have more – not that they have more to dispose. Obviously, like Reagan, you got a lot of money, But I feel like that's not as collectible to people. Solid logic. Yeah, I feel like that's what I was saying. He was like, what fan base has more money? And I feel like... No fan base has less money than ours.

We still have a better Patreon page than most people. I feel like this is like some billionaire Asian bought John Lennon's tooth for more money. Okay. The correct answer, John Lennon's tooth is more expensive. $32,000 for that tooth. $31,000 for Ronald Reagan's blood. That seems like a bargain. And honestly, I'm telling you, the Abbey, if you want to buy that blood and put it on the top shelf and sell Reagan cocktails.

Oh, my God. Dude, how triumphant you got to feel as a married gay man in 2018 drinking a fucking gin and tonic with a drop of the glass. Who wins now? Here's some trickle-down economics for you. That's real good, Gipper. Does it say who bought them? I didn't write that down. Or what race they were?

I'm going to guess white on both. Buying body parts and fluids from dead monsters is some white people ass shit. It's white or there are some Asians who are into that shit too. You really keep wanting to throw this at the Asian community? Opie, quick take. Is buying dead famous people's body parts a white guy thing? Yes, unless you're an African voodoo priest. Okay. He says yes unless you're an an african or okay he says yes unless you're an african they also love the beatles okay well i'll look up if it was asian okay tom you have the weirdest

stereotypes i've ever heard i'm just saying it's not all asians it's just a really wealthy one you guys a middle class puerto ricans love beyblade i don't know what it is. Number two. Which of the following costs more money? The world's most expensive sex toy called the Pearl Royale or the original on-camera R2-D2? It's got to be original on-camera R2-D2.

No one has more. There's some fucking Silicon Valley tech guy who's like, I was inspired to ruin society with this app by the fucking shit they did in Star Wars. One note I want to have about the Pearl Royale, it is made of solid platinum and it's adorned with diamonds and pearls. You know what? If I bought R2-D2, I would take his head off and I'd have those quartered off different kinds of popcorn inside of him. Like a Christmas barrel?

Just like, yeah, that's how disrespectful and gaudy I am. You got to wonder if they hosed out the midget skeleton in there before they sold it. When they put a new midget in, you gotta sit on the old midget's bones. They have to get smaller and smaller. So they have to keep eye on your shorter midget? Yeah.

Is this a sex toy for men or women? Women. I mean, I guess for men, too. I'm gonna go R2-D2. Okay. The great answer is R2-D2 costs more. 2.76 to go R2-D2. Okay. The great answer is R2-D2 costs more. $2.76 million for R2-D2. $1.3 million for this fucking vibrator. And there's just one of them? I don't know how many of them they made.

There's like a website for them. Here, I'll show you the picture of it because it's pretty insane. Does it come with like a person or something? Wow. That's pretty... Jesus Christ. That looks like it was also in Star Wars. Yeah, that does look like... It looks like a lightsaber. It looks like Lando's

spaceship. Alright, round number three. Which of the following was more expensive? Awkward pause while I scroll back up. Alright, which of the following was more expensive? Nice which of the following intro. Oh, whatever. Shut up. You guys, specific round.

Cyberstein, the world's rarest Yu-Gi-Oh card, or a year's tuition at the Van Damme Academy? Cyberstein is not the world's rarest Yu-Gi-Oh card. One of the world's rarest Yu-Gi-Oh cards. That's probably like a fucking crush card virus still. I don't even know these days. Crush card virus was less than this. You know what actually is the rarest Yu-Gi-Oh card?

And I know this. It's called like Tyler the Conqueror. It's one of one, and they made it for a kid that was less than this. You know what actually is the rarest Yu-Gi-Oh card? And I know this. It's called, like, Tyler the Conqueror. It's one of one, and they made it for a kid that was dying of cancer. Or Tyler the Great Warrior. And he's just, like, a super sane version of this kid with a sword because this guy's mixing up all his mythologies. I mean, I know it's expensive because that was one of the reasons I didn't go there. It's got to be Van Damme Academy.

You know, you're going Van Damme. I'm going to go with the Yu-Gi-Oh card. Great answer. Van Damme Academy. Buy quite a bit. Really? $15,400. My God.

Yu-Gi-Oh card is worth $3,000. Wow. Wow. That's got to be some kind of secret. I can't get into Yu-Gi-Oh pricing anymore. I can't think about this. All right. Here's the next one.

Which costs more, feeding a Kenyan refugee child for a year or a 120-ounce ribeye challenge at Gregory's Steakhouse in Allentown, Pennsylvania? Oh, dude, I love this one. Wait, one more time? This one is super funny.

Which costs more, feeding a Kenyan refugee child for an entire year or the 120-ounce ribeye challenge at Gregory's Steakhouse in Allentown, Pennsylvania? Oh, it's absolutely the ribeye challenge. Yeah, Steakhouse in Allentown, Pennsylvania. It's absolutely the ribeye challenge. Yeah, I gotta agree. And that poor kid

would like shit out his arm if he had that much protein. His body would be unadjusted to it. They say it's just 10 cents a day. That's 365 days a year. That's only $3.65, right? It's even less than that. It's $3.65. Yeah. The great answer. Feeding the refugee child is

slightly more expensive. Oh, okay. $173 if you feed them, and I swear to God, this is true. A nutrient-rich food substitute called Plumpy Sup. The steak challenge is $100. Plumpy Sup is who got into the Van Damme Academy instead of me, actually. Hey, kids, hurry out of the shack. The Plumpy Sup's almost gone.

The steak challenge is $100 or free if you can finish the whole thing. You guys, we got to take Tom Goss on a I bet you can't eat this tour of America.

I mean, I don't, I don't, I don't eat beef right now, but I did do the blazing challenge at Buffalo Wild Beans twice. Because you needed a shirt.

Yes, and they didn't have the shirt. And then I wanted food, and that's what I did the second time. Someone paid for it. I wanted the gift card because I was hungry. God damn it.

I got two more. I got Tom. Tom's like, that's Tom's version of like, I got to turn a couple tricks to get the rent paid and get back on my feet. He's like,

yeah, I got to go house these chicken wings so I can get. Tommy used to eat all the wings. Have you eaten 12 blazing wings in six minutes?

It hurts. That was my Vietnam. I believe you, Tom. Yeah. I see the pain in your eyes. You got mosh pits in your eyes. It hurt that bad. It hurts.

The chicken coops in your eyes. All right, two more. Yeah, that's why I can't taste lemons anymore. I love lemons. Which of these two things costs more? An AR-15 assault rifle or one night at the Skyview Suite at Las Vegas' Mandalay Bay Resort and Casino? Wait, wait.

One more time? One more time? That is too funny, my dude. Which one costs more, an AR-15 assault rifle or one night at the Skyview Suite at the Mandalay Bay Resort and Casino? Oh, it's probably not. I'm going to go with the assault rifle because I think those are like $380 or something like that. I think that's going to be

my guess. These prices fluctuate by the night, too. I didn't do a ton of research. I was going off the next day's prices versus an average I found for the gun. So there's different prices.

But this is a pretty average version of both. Okay. Wait, what day did you look up the prices? I think it was for January 5th or something. It was three days out. Okay. All right. Yeah.

I'm going to say if we're going off that day, I'm going to go to the gun. The gun costs $750. The resort and casino room, $330. The gun is more expensive. Hell yeah. Hell yeah, dude. And last one. We talked about it earlier in the Mexican Joke Off.

Which of the following auctioned for more money, Hitler's car or the Zapruder film? Ooh. Who's Zapruder? Tell me what you think the Zapruder film might be. Some kind of cereal? I have no idea. The Zapruder film is the only video of JFK getting shot in the head. Yeah, Zapruder is a dressmaker, and he took a home movie of democracy dying.

You can buy that? I thought they gave it to Life magazine or something. No, they sold it. Basically, they sold it back to the Zapruders. Oh, okay. Or not sold it. Basically, they sold it back to the Zapruder's. Oh, okay. Or not sold it back. Somehow the Zapruder's got this amount of money for the tape. Okay.

It was like a weird convoluted thing, but they sold it to an institution or something for this amount. Definitely the Zapruder film. Okay. I kind of agree just because everyone's still interested in that JFK guy and who killed him. That fella. And I feel like there might be evidence there and everyone's like, I'm going to figure it out. The correct answer. Yeah.

Opie says Hitler's car. The correct answer, Hitler's car. Wow. Hitler's car went for $18 million. The Zapruder film went for $16 million. Okay. Well, Hitler's car is also what Opie called what Tony Hinchcliffe drove when he came here. He described it as the kind of car that millennials would drive if the Nazis won.

Which is very funny and very true. Yeah, very accurate. Well, that's it for Price Check, gang. I liked that game. That was a good one. They'll be making a comeback soon. Okay, well, we'll be right back after this. Mean Boys is brought to you by Sudio Headphones.

This is Sudio. Oh, shit. Me and Tom are wearing Sudios. Keith isn't because he lost his Sudio cord, the beautiful noodle flat cord that never tangles or tears. The most beautiful cord. My life has been incomplete since I lost that cord. You're having to use inferior cords to power your superior Swedish headphones?

It doesn't match. It doesn't look right. I'm just standing on a widow's ledge just looking out at the sea, thinking about what I've lost. But good news for Keith. This is what it feels like to feel better than someone. All right. Don't get used to it, you fucking moron.

We're not sending Studio any of our ad reads ever. And here's the thing. Good news for Keith. Not only do these have a beautiful cord that never tangles, they also have Bluetooth capability with, get this, preposterous battery life. Insane, man. capability with get this preposterous battery life insane man they have iron man's chest in your ears just pumping podcasts and sweet jams and voicemails whatever you want to listen to you can get those different shells so you can you can make yours look different you can put like weird like white marble on them so you really look like a rapper's girlfriend these headphones

are awesome and guess what uh if you use the promo code mean boys 15 you're getting yourself a 15% discount with free shipping all over the globe. What? Are you fucking kidding me? It's frankly an offer you can't afford to pass up. And you know what? The holidays are over, and your girlfriend has left you.

You've got to win her back. How are you going to do it? You're going to pull out a sleek studio box where the cardboard slides very tight and firm. She's going to open that box, and then she's going to open her box. It's going to be like that scene from that one movie. Pull out all the little accessories and be so excited.

With the boom box, but instead you're just holding the headphones, and only you can hear the music that she wants to. And they're loud enough that you could win her back. And, yeah, you go to studioswedan.com, use our promo code. No, fucking these other podcasts sponsored by Studio. They don't love you like we do. No, they can go suck a bag of fucks. I live in abject poverty just because several of you tweet me things I forgot I said every week.

So do me a favor. Get your studio headphones. Studioswedan.com with promo code MeanBoys15. Sweden? No. I was going to say, no war crimes. These headphones have never committed a war crime. The headphones have never committed a war crime. The headphones have never committed a war crime.

Go buy them and shut up, Tom. They got a lot of... Oh, sorry. And the Mean Boys podcast is back. That was the verbal equivalent of checking all your mirrors, getting ready to pull out, and as soon as you pull out, somebody just throws a shopping cart at your car.

Yeah, no, a moose falls on it and the mean boys podcast is back to play a round of our favorite game uh hey mean boys a few which the followings for snark week one with sexual paraphilias and one with real celebrity names. If nothing else, fun to have Tom react to hearing them. Keep doing the Lord's work. Signed, at dark underscore homunculus. One of our favorite listeners.

Thank you for writing in. Thank you for the games, Dark Homunculus. If you want to send us a game of your very own, you can email us at meanboyspodcast at gmail.com or meanboyspodcast.com slash contact. The energy you just brought to your body and mind is insane. I was going to say earlier. You're turning into a Nickelodeon host.

I really don't want to write these. I really like that everyone does all this work for us. Vegas has a lot of underwear bitches dancing on tables. In what way is that relevant to anything that was just said? They're called strippers, you stupid asshole. They kept their underwear on, so I don't think they're strippers. Round number one. Those are called erotic dancers.

Those are called just strippers where you can get beer. Yeah, I think you can get beer for stripper. No, in most of the U.S., you can't get fully naked anywhere where they sell booze. I thought it was just liquor. No, you can't get any booze where they get fully naked. Not everywhere, but most places. Yeah, no, they were on card tables.

Yeah, I went to Portland, and they were straight up naked, and I was getting drunk. And if you sign petitions at comeon.org, we can write this wrong, guys. Let's start a grassroots movement right here. Assroots. Yeah, assroots. That's good. Yeah, last time I went there, I think I was 16 playing poker during a hockey tournament. I looked way older.

Sorry, I'm distracting you guys. Go ahead. Round number one, which of the following is not a recognized paraphilia? Paraphilia is a sexual interest in an atypical object, situation, or individual. It's kind of like a weird fetish. Yeah, that's not recognized. So round number one, nail on the head edition. A, lactophilia, arousal from breast milk.

B, teraphilia, arousal from soil or earth. C, asphyxophilia, arousal from strangulation. D, plushophilia, arousal from stuffed toy animals. Or D, mechanophilia, arousal from cars and machines. Wait, so it's breast milk, dirt, strangulation. I'm not going to do the names. I'm just going to do what the thing is. That's fine.

But what were they again? Breast milk, dirt, strangulation, stuffed toy animals, or cars and machines. That's five. Yeah, he gave us five. Five each round. Are we looking for... Which one is fake?

Which one is fake, yeah. Here's the thing. I'm pretty sure I've done three of these. Like a fake... Oh, yeah, I got a blowjob from a helicopter. I've definitely jerked sure I've done three of these. Like a fake dub, but it's... Oh, yeah. I got a blowjob from a helicopter. I've definitely jerked off to more than one of these.

Okay. Breast milk has got to be on there. Oh, yeah. Yeah, I was never turned on by that. I didn't want to. I was experimenting. It's not a... Tom, say it again.

What'd you say? Everyone likes to be choked. Everybody chokes to cum. At least on occasion. I'll say it's not a sexual thing, but a good time, if you're in the suburbs and you're bored, is you go ahead and you soak a stuffed bear in lighter fluid and play soccer with it. That's a good time. Ooh, that's fun.

Nice. I'm going to say the dirt one. That's kind of what I'm going well these all seem real what was one of them like cyborgs or something uh cars or machines there's the yeah yeah i'm gonna go yeah i'm gonna go that one all right the fake one is uh fucking dirt boom yeah there's there's a dude who got arrested for trying to fuck a helicopter and that's one of my very he's just like yeah i fucked like all My girlfriend is my Volkswagen bug named Candy. But yeah, I really...

I got to think. He likes BBW. Fucking cars and vehicles, I guess. Big, beautiful whirlybirds. Yeah, I want to... Yeah, I want to go hump a Learjet. Blackhawk going down. All right, round number two, my five senses edition.

Arousal from eyes. Arousal from smells or odors. Arousal from noses. Arousal from ears. Or arousal from touching unsuspecting people. Oh, no. Yeah. One of those is a felony. Me too.

The other ones are just kind of weird. Ah, man. This is a good game because I don't know who makes the rules for what makes the cut. Is this like a rock and roll hall of fame where they have to vote you in after a certain amount of years of making people cum? 30 years after the first criminal conviction. Yeah, 25 years of loads later, they're inducted on their first ballot. I think it's nose.

No one's nose fucking out there. Yeah, the fact that nose and smells are separate things leads me to believe that nose is the fake one. All right, guys, you're going nose. The fake one is arousal from ears. That's not true. That's total bullshit. You guys want to fuck ears? I don't, but a lot of people get turned on. I know that

I saw a tweet. If somebody bites my ears, I love that shit. I just saw a tweet the other day. I think it was about imagine having Adam Driver's nose in your pussy while he eats your ass. That's pretty cool. I could see that. Yeah, yeah. So I can see a nose. Adam Driver probably eats pussy so good, dude.

Probably. Because he's kind of brooding, but he's also kind of ugly. So he's got to. Kylo Ren in the Star Wars movie. I've had my nose pretty far in a vagina before. Oh, same. Yeah.

I've got all the way. It felt like I was wearing a Groucho mask. He went that-a-way. So yeah, that's it. I feel like that one's a wash. People are all about ears. I know plenty of ear people. Tom has his hand slumped over.

He's like, this is bullshit. Tom is melting. I've jacked it to so many elves. I don't have an ear thing, but I have fiddled ears. I feel like Tom has an ear thing. I have fiddled ears I feel like Tom has an ear thing Don't ever say that again The fiddled ears sounds like a band that opens for Mumford and Sons Well yeah I mean I guess you eat it, you lick an ear

I remember the first time a girl did that to me You breathe in it With lung capacity When a bitch gets all breathy husky voice In your ear And in turn when you do that to a lady, that's a good time. Oh, man. Yeah.

Yeah. Wait, Tom, you just said something and I wanted to make fun of you. What did you say? I don't remember. Tom can't swim backwards. We got to just accept that and move on. Yeah. Neither can sharks.

That's what he's doing. Thanks, Tom. You thought he just pulled the idea of not being able to swim backwards out of the air to describe you? Of course it related to sharks. Oh, you sweet dunce. Tom, you're a land shark. We've been over this. You mud skipper. Alright, guys. Round number three. Bodily fluid edition. Oh, dear.

Arousal from saliva, arousal from blood, seeing or drinking it, arousal from feces, arousal from vomit, or arousal from menstruation. These are all... I need to see the documentation. I know it's made the cut here. I've definitely seen porn of all five of these researching for this show.

Yeah, no, that's true. But which one is not getting recognized by the fucking TIFIC community? Yeah, by the fucking... The Cumsonian or whatever institute. Yeah. So we're doing spit, blood, puke, shit, and period blood? Yeah.

This is an exact quote from a Tom Lightning round. Blood, period blood. God, blood and period blood. I'll go blood. No, that's for sure. How much money do those Twilight movies make? All of these are for sure. I know, but yeah, you ever get into blood play?

That's real weird. No. No? Oh, yeah. The only thing I want not... You drank a girl's blood once? A little bit. Why didn't you tell me this?

I don't know. It didn't come up. During sex, I want... I got to keep some mystery, man. All of my... This is me saving anal for marriage, dude. Like, I got to keep you interested. You drank blood?

How did she get the blood? She got her hand open, and then I licked it out of her. Oh, like blood brothers. Yeah, kind of. It was more Blood Lovers. Do we have to be best friends in the 50s now? Yeah, then we teamed up and fought Pennywise. Yeah, what do you do?

Not the clown, the band. You cut your hand and then smack him in the forehead, and then you're Blood Brothers? No, you cut your... The Blood Brothers, you cut both your hands. You make a cross on your boy so the locusts don't eat your kids? I think you smack him in the face. I don't know, you fucking dunce.

I thought there was something to do with blood on a face. It's spit. The fake one is spit. That was going to be my guess. I'm straight up over this. Thankfully, round number five is an all-Keith Carey edition. Oh, no! Arousal from smoking.

Arousal from eating and weight gain. Arousal from watching animal fornication. Arousal from poetry. Or arousal from, quote, deformed monstrous people. Are these all real or all fake? No, this is just one of them's fake. I'm going to say poetry.

Yeah, poetry. I've always wanted to get dicked down by the elephant man. I guarantee you my poetry has never made anybody horny. I want to hump your humps. Yeah, the fake one is rousing from watching Animal Fornication. Nah, that's real as shit, dude. It'll make all that dog porn because people don't like it. Well, yeah, no, that was just the second best thing because you guys couldn't get the zoning to fuck an actual dog in your shitty apartment.

You guys didn't have the three references you would need to actually dirt pipe a chihuahua. I said break a chihuahua with my dick. If you fucked a chihuahua, it would just pop. It would just peel like a banana. It would make a chicken noise like, and the feathers would go everywhere. Alright, round number five.

Arousal from enemas received, given, or both. A mutual enema? Imagine animating someone while you're sitting cross-legged on the bed. That's no good. That's when they shove a hose up your ass, right? Yeah. You got it, Tom. For the first time ever, you've been correct about something the first time.

Round number two. Arousal from licking eyeballs. Yuck. Arousal from immersing genitals in liquid. What, so I just want to get a graduated cylinder and see the volume of my nuts? Oh, I'm teabagging. Look at this displacement, you dirty whore. I'm literally teabagging.

Yeah, fucking volumetric analyst Dice Clay says. Arousal from a full bladder or wetting oneself. Or arousal from turning a human into furniture. Oh, 100% all real. Okay. All real. The bitch of Buckingwald made lamps out of Jews. The Mean Boys brand dominatrix, Ms. Catherine Walters, does a lot of these on a fairly professional level. All real.

Yeah, those are all real. Tom looks broken and defeated. I'm sorry, man. I'm just thinking. What are you thinking about? You know, just the world. Animals. Yeah, animals.

You guys ever gotten an animal? My testicle twitched earlier and felt weird oh yeah wouldn't be funny if you found out you had a weird fish have you ever got an animal no i don't think i've done suppositories and shit for my hemorrhoids but i've never like liquefied it up there i did one one yeah one suppository and i was like yeah this is this is not ever happening again well it's the worst when you stand up and you realize you didn't get far enough in and it just ploops right back out and then you got a like fucking crab walk to the bathroom and official weird like yellow wax

bullet out of your underoos dead foggy with a piece of cardboard into your ass yeah yeah or the other worst part is when you have a hemorrhoid and it creates like a very it's like it's weird sometimes you'll fart and it'll be unimaginable pain and sometimes you'll fart and it'll kind of tickle when you have a hemorrhoid but yeah when you get this repository up there and it like kind of melts in your body or whatever and that like you know delicious like a soothing goo starts dripping down onto your horrible sore oh god and then you fart and you realize you just let loose a whole bunch of booty lotion all up in your jeans booty lotion oh dude and fucking yeah the smell is just unimaginable because it's like you can't get in there with a q-tip you'll pass out from the pain

i tried to pop one of my hemorrhoids one time and i almost blacked out just because i was like i want this to hurt for like two hours and just be done with it and i just and i just couldn't i couldn't god that hurts my asshole thinking about it anyway we'll be right back with your fan questions and your voicemails right after this, guys. It only costs a few bucks to fantasize about it all week. While you're stuck in traffic, getting chewed out by your boss, in the doghouse with the wife, just stop by your local convenience store. If you play this right, you'll never have to think about any of that ever again.

Are you going to celebrate on a boat? Maybe Mexico? Or just at home, surrounded by the ones you love? You play, you decide. It's not the lottery. It's a bottle of Advil. KillYourself.com. The Mean Boys Podcast is brought to you as always by Don Carlo's Taco Shop in La Jolla, California. Conveniently located right across the street from the La Jolla Comedy Store. The finest goddamn Mexican food in the whole goddamn world. Eataburrito.com is where you go if you want to pregame a little bit. Get your taste buds scintillated by all the embarrassment of riches that is the Don Carlo's menu options.

Vegetarian options? Yeah. What fucking burrito place does good burritos with options for vegetarians? Don Carlos, that's who. And if you're not a communist homo, then you can get like a meat ass burrito. Yeah. Yeah. Every time I go down on someone, I'm like, I wish I could come from my mouth.

And the closest I've ever got is Don Carlos. You wish your tongue was a clit so you could scissor with your face? Yeah, I gotta say, Don Carlos. You wish your tongue was a clit so you could scissor with your face? Yeah, I got to say, Don Carlos. That's the fattest thing you've ever said. I wish I didn't have to throw out my back every time I need to bust a nut. I wish I had a clit in my head. But anyway, the next best thing are these burritos. It really is.

Well, go buy them, folks. California style. Thanks for the love, Don Carlos. Sha-na-na-na-na-na, mean, mean. And the Mean Boys podcast returns with the Mean Boys mailbag. Some of your questions, your tweets, your emails, your voicemails. We've got some voicemails in here this week. I'll just pop this one open.

Hi, Mean Boys. I'm a huge fan. This is Josh from New Britain, Connecticut. My question is, why do people always dismiss dating a female comic? You know what the voicemails sound like? I figured it all sounds like they're doing it underneath. I think they're all doing it underneath their covers,

hoping their mom doesn't hear. I think we did already do this one. Oh, we did? Yeah, I think we did this last week. All right, well, yeah. I'm also married! Hey guys, this is Jesse here in Richmond, Virginia. I just wanted to do two things.

One, I wanted to dispel... Shit. What? I accidentally clicked off of it. Nice. Dispel the rumor that all of your fans are useless pieces of trash. They do not have jobs.