Mean Boys - EP 105 - Mackin' Chaps (feat. Cody Sarvis)

Episode Date: January 23, 2018

Support the show on Patreon: www.patreon.com/meanboys This week’s segments include “Mexican Joke Off”, “New Names", “God Watching The News”, "Tom Didn't Start The Fire" and a game of "Which of the Following" with sexual identities by @deathtothefilth. Get on the email list and fill out our 2018 tour survey to help us plan our big dumb adventure: goo.gl/forms/DKxdxTPtzebqYFPG3 Get the new Wu-Tang t-shirt and all our past designs on our new Tee Public page: www.teepublic.com/user/meanboyspodcast Shop Sudio headphones and use promo code "MEANBOYS15" for 15% off all purchases: goo.gl/JWBAJK Contribute to the Mean Boys wiki: mean-boys.wikia.com/wiki/Mean_Boys_Wiki Send us an email at [e-mail] or leave us a voicemail at [phone] We are proudly sponsored by Don Carlo's Taco Shop in La Jolla California (www.eataburrito.com) Follow our guest Cody Sarvis on Twitter: http://twitter.com/cksarvis Follow the show on Twitter: twitter.com/meanboyspodcast Follow Keith on Twitter: twitter.com/keithtellsjokes Follow Connor on Twitter: twitter.com/connormcspadden Follow Tom on Twitter: twitter.com/gossgoss6 Visit us on the web: www.meanboyspodcast.com Like us on Facebook: www.facebook.com/meanboyspodcast Follow us on Instagram: instagram.com/meanboyspodcast Follow us on Soundcloud: @meanboyspodcast Theme: I’ve Seen Footage by Death Grips (itunes.apple.com/us/album/the-mon…tore/id515449028) Buy Keith’s album (itunes.apple.com/us/album/forever-nap/id1105182043) Podcast logo by Luis Galvez: twitter.com/luiagal Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

FanDuel Casino's exclusive live dealer studio has your chance at the number one feeling, winning, which beats even the 27th best feeling, saying I do. Who wants this last parachute? I do. Enjoy the number one feeling, winning, in an exciting live dealer studio, exclusively on FanDuel Casino, where winning is undefeated. 19 plus and physically located in Ontario. Gambling problem?

Call 1-866- 531-2600 or visit connectsontario.ca Please play responsibly. Whether it's a family member, friend or furry companion joining your summer road trip, enjoy the peace of mind that comes with Volvo's legendary safety. During

Volvo Discover Days, enjoy limited time savings as you make plans to cruise through Muskoka or down Toronto's bustling streets. From now until June 30th, lease a 2025 Volvo XC60 from 1.74% and save up to $4,000. Conditions apply. Visit your GTA Volvo retailer or go to volvocars.ca for full details. Hey, everybody. Welcome to the Mean Boys podcast. What's up, guys? Howdy. I love you. Thank you for listening. It means the world Boys podcast. What's up, guys? Howdy. I love you.

Thank you for listening. It means the world to us. You're very sweet. Thank you for telling your friends and your social workers and your pets and the ghosts that visit you in the night about the program. I will say, noticing a little bit of a decline in the iTunes review department in America. However, thanks to mypodcastreviews.com, I've learned that we have our first Denmark iTunes review. What? From your only Danish listener.

And he just writes, great podcast, always funny. That is so succinct and sweet. And we also have one from Canada. Good podcast, bad people. Give me the opportunity to feel slightly like a good person. Just due to juxtaposition once a week, every day. So basically what he's saying is we're edgy in Canada. Nice.

I love it. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Well, thank you guys for leaving us. Please leave us more iTunes reviews. Rate, all that shit. It really does help us out. We're going on tour.

Fill out that tour sheet. Lock-in dates. We'll be announcing them all very soon. So a bunch of pans just fell down, which reminds me you should donate to our Patreon so we can afford shelving and stackable cookware. Yeah, the pans are literally hung off of just a paper clip that's been haphazardly fisted into the wall. We do weekly bonus content.

This last week, we find out what Tom does during the Singularity. We do some song parodies and some god-awful improv. It's a lot of fun. Horse stuff. A lot of horse stuff. Our guest today, Cody Sarvis. Another Patreon donor. You guys can be on this show

If you don't end up To the Patreon We're that desperate Exactly Cody also was a ton of fun This was a fucking Awesome episode Yeah one of my favorites

We had a lot of good time Yeah this is one of those Ones where we just Kind of lose our mind That are having the best time All the way through it If this is your first episode You've listened to

This is a good one Yeah Take a journey with us You fucks Totally The show's on YouTube now I don't know if you guys know That subscribe to our

YouTube channel Because everything is based On how big of a number is next to your profile picture in this godforsaken fucking world. So go do us a favor there. Check that out. Anything else, boys? No. Oh, Death Pool is up and running.

You can't join anymore. You missed out. Maybe next year. Yeah. Olivia Grace drew first blood, so there's points on the board already. Yeah. Fuck, I should have done the math to announce all the prizes. We don't need to do that right now.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, another time. You can just do that to the 32 people who are in the death pool and not the 2,500 people, of which most don't give a shit. Yeah, other than that, great episode with us and Cody Sarvis coming up. Coming up, coming at you. Coming what? It's right here.

Ta-da Hey everybody, welcome to the Mean Boys Podcast You're not bad at time management, you're just bad at doing stuff. I'm Connor McSpadden. I'm Keith Carey. I'm Cody Sarvis. And I'm... A violence penguin.

Ah! I didn't like the way you leaned in and sauced that up, Todd. I was waiting, you know what's funny? I already forgot who was ripping me, and I looked at Connor waiting for it, and then it was just like, whoa, surprise, Keith said shit about you. I just don't think you've got a way to say and I'm five letters in the most unnatural way possible. Yeah, with like six syllables. Yeah, you forgot that Keith was slamming you about six seconds after he went over it.

And we're like, yeah, Keith's going to slam Tom. Cool. I wrote it on the agenda. I would have remembered. You've never read an agenda in your life. Oh, he has my back here. No, no, no. Actually, Sam's going to watch Madagascar differently now.

Looking at the penguins like you. Just knocking fuckers out. These wisecracks are a lot more sinister when you know that there's an underlying hash brown layer of mental illness. Expulsion letters from karate academies in Orange County. Like a waddling pun while they're covered in blood

because they cut someone's throat to steal a boat. A couple Tom things. Tom last night told me, he spent the night to do the podcast this morning. He's like, yeah, I don't dream that much, but what I do, it's usually about shapes fighting. And I was in the bathroom shaving, and I was like, what did you say? He's like, yeah, I have a lot of dreams about shapes fighting. I was like, I just didn't think that could possibly be what you said, but I guess it was. I don't dream much anymore.

I've been dreaming more lately, but I will say that a lot of my dreams are shape-based, you know, whether violence or not. Oh, Ramsey's in here. I just really want to say something. I was trying to sleep last night, high out of my mind, me and my girlfriend, and we heard Tom say that.

And the entire house fell silent. And then Connor echoed exactly what Paige and I were thinking. We were both like, wait, we thought you said that, but we weren't sure. That's so funny.

Yeah, the walls are very thin here at the Pacquiao Palace. Yeah, it's all a communal conversation. Wait, wait, wait. What kind of shapes? Yeah, mostly versions of squares and rectangles. palace yeah it's all a communal conversation wait wait what kind of shapes what yeah mostly uh versions of squares and rectangles uh so squares there's other versions those are all versions of quadrilateral that covers every i don't know how to explain it but they're they can be a different the final boss is a rhombus yeah they can be different dimensions you know 3d 2d it's weird when i gotta figure 3d is gonna win you okay so 3D and 2D fight in your dreams?

Yes. Tom, that's terrifying. Dimensionally, that is. Yeah, that's why when people tell me a weird dream, I'm like, oh, that sounds like a regular-ass dream to me. I had a... Yeah, I've had some crazy dreams. Have I told you about my Dave Chappelle dream?

You should be talking to a therapist about this stuff. Therapist couldn't help. Yeah, what, is going to prescribe him? A protractor? I had a dream where all these claymation monster shapes were chasing me. Yeah, Tom. A lot of shapes.

Let me just catch the listeners up. If you don't know, he's afraid of claymation. He might throw up if he has to watch claymation, from what I understand. I'll watch it, but it's very disturbing to me. And I'm running away from these monster shapes. And I knew they were monsters, but they were also shapes. And I'm running from them.

Oh, fuck. Everything has a shape, Tom. Just about any piece of physical matter. It's hard to explain, but it's different. And I'm running away, and I'm like, oh, no, someone save me. And the person who shows up to save me is Dave Chappelle. Dave Chappelle shows up. I'm like, oh, thank you, Dave Chappelle.

And I go give Dave Chappelle a hug because he's there to save me. And then he just melts in claymation. It was pretty bad. You look over and Comedy Central claymation has hit him in the neck with a blow dart. Like, completely unrelated, but can you put me down for Dave Chappelle as the next person dying in your death pool? I feel like this dream means something. Oh, this was like six years ago.

That would be so amazing. We found out that Tom had prophetic dreams. We could just win every sports book or anything like that. But he's so bad at explaining them, we don't know how to interpret them. It's just a matter of, like, they're accurate. They're 100% accurate. It's just so bad at explaining them, we don't know how to interpret them. They're accurate. They're 100% accurate. It's just a matter of interpreting them. Okay, according to Tom, a dodecahedron is going to win the Super

Bowl. When my dreams are realistic, I'm like, oh shit, this might happen. It's a fucking problem. I know I sound like a crazy white girl right now. No, I know. I'll be driving with Tom sometimes, and I'll just be like, oh shit. And I'll be like, what? And he's like, I dreamt this. Even this part right now. And I'm just be like, oh shit. And I'll be like, what? And he's like, I dreamt this. Even this

part right now. And I'm like, alright buddy, what happens next? And he's like, it's over but it'll come back. And I'm like, cool. Yeah, there's been several times we've been driving and he's done that and I'm like, well this is when we drive into a ravine. Like, that's the end of everything. I don't, I, you

guys don't die with me. It's all cool. Cool. Nice. No, I actually just went on a road trip with a girl, and we were driving to San Francisco, which has a couple bridges. And on the bridge, she goes, you know, I'm terrified of bridges because I had a dream that I would die on a bridge. And I just suddenly went, oh, okay. Yeah. Now, what do you want me to do about it?

Here's a fun prank. You just go to a party, and you find a drunk girl and be like, Hey, I'm so sorry, but I'm a psychic. This might be weird for you to hear, but just don't drive in a car for like six years. Stay away from Dallas and Cyprus. That's too funny. Just one more quick one. Another great Tom Don sequitur is, I never told you about when I breakdanced for Orlando Bloom.

It wasn't break dancing. It was hip-hop dancing. I was in a Buddhist hip-hop group. And yeah, no, that's how I met Orlando. What were you guys called? Rhythm Nation. Oof, that's rough. I really wanted a pun out of that.

I don't know why you guys wouldn't. Anyone? Yeah, Buddha, Buddha, Buddha, Buddha rocking everywhere. Buddha, Buddha, Buddha rocking everywhere. Buddha, Buddha, Buddha rocking everywhere. There we go. That's the worst part about religion to me. It's not like indoctrinating children with regressive beliefs. It is the fucking trying to make cool things about God.

Oh, it's a bummer. The amount of Christian ska that I listen to has proved this is a bad idea. And you thought nobody could further ruin vegetables for Keith Carey, but by golly. Dude, VeggieTales was crazy bad. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I want to see the VeggieTales book of revelations. That's the thing I've always wanted. Ooh, that'd be great.

Just the fucking, the four horses. Just the plantain comes out of the ocean and starts, like, breathing fire. Yeah, a fucking cauliflower riding a pale horse called Death with a scimitar. Just wasting people. Well, Cody's here. Thanks for doing the show, Cody. Doing the show or donating money? There was a stutter there. Yeah, Cody is

one of our $100 Patreon listeners. Also, an old friend of mine. Occasional stand-up. Yeah, this was... I don't know what you want me to say. It sounded better than he gave it a shot. You either put it in the resume or you leave it out.

He's fucking, he's dabbles. He's got a lot of shit going on. Yeah, he featured in the Oyster House or whatever in the Valley once. No, that guy, that guy made sure to tell me that I was way cooler than you. Oh, yeah, that was real weird. I was like, oh, I'm a better stand-up than Keith? All right, I'll take it. Yeah, there was a night with Ian Salmon.

Cody had a really good set, and he just kept harping on how much funnier Cody was than me. And I was like, okay, man. Yeah, Keith gets in a lot of these situations where people that just don't know when to stop talking will just clam on to you and just be like, yeah, no, man. I mean, you're fat, but you're funny. And you're just like, okay, yeah, man. It's like your life's a nightmare. I'm like, look at you.

You're fucking gross. But that was a pretty good a nightmare. I'm like, look at you. You're fucking gross. That was a pretty good set. And I'm like, okay. Guys, we're all fired up here. What are we doing? Let's get into the Mexican joke off. I'll take us away this week. Delta has tightened restrictions

on what can qualify as a service animal on their flights. And this is bad news. We may have to pay full price for Tom's airfare on our upcoming tour dates. I almost wrote the same thing. That would be so great to have a service, Tom. Is Tom flying in a kennel? This is my... I'd watch other dogs

for you. This is my anxiety dipshit. He's here to make sure I am always anxious. I just like to look at him and feel better about myself. I feel like Tom could somehow, and I mean this both as an insult and a compliment, I feel like you could find a way to crash an airplane from your seat. I don't know how.

It's always a challenge not to. I gotta be out. You gotta try to call aliens on you walkie-talkie and it fucks with you. How is it ISIS has never tried to recruit you for this exact reason? Because he's the most conspicuous human being that's ever lived yeah yeah monsters two united okay yeah i gotta blow up this bus now admiral akbar or whatever all right the city of chicago celebrated the first week without a homicide in over a year

analysts say the reason for declining violence is that everybody in Chicago is finally dead. Oh. The last Chicagoan died. I don't know if anyone has a joke about it, but Kanye named his baby Chicago. I thought that was kind of cool. That is a good name. That's a fun name. Yeah.

Let's call him Shy for short. Yeah. Yeah, that's kind of perfect. I know. Works out. Yeah, how about everybody? Shy the buff? Breaking news.

Kanye made a good choice. How about all you guys shut the fuck up, okay? Yeah. How about all you fucking haters? Pipe down. Yeah, sorry, his name's not fucking Purple Ham Sandwich or whatever Beyonce's dumb kids are named. Yeah, sorry, your dad's not cool and rich. Alright, now I feel bad

about this, but... And your name's Glenn. Okay, so Kanye and Kim gave birth through a surrogate. The birth had no complications, but Kanye did pause the birthing to announce, yo, I'm gonna let you finish, but Beyonce had the best child of all time. Yeah. Oh, man, I bet you to let you finish, but Beyonce had the best child of all time. Yeah. Oh, man, I bet you Kanye's going to try to fuck Beyonce's

kid at some point. Like when she's older. Okay, that's not like now. It's important to state that. You don't see old vet Scuzzy Kanye pulling that move? No, I don't think Kanye's a pervert. Not even looking at a pervert. Name a bad thing you think about Kanye. Just as a power move.

He's getting a little fat, but I kind of like chubby Kanye. Kanye's great. He looks so happy. He is. Name a bad thing you think about Kanye. Just as a power move. He's getting a little fat, but I kind of like Chubby Kanye. That Kanye's great. He looks so happy. He does, yeah. I want him to be happy. I like my beautiful

dark twist of fantasy era because he just was having fun in interviews and tweeting shit about water bottles. I get sad for the guy. I feel bad for him. Do you like 909s

and heartbreaks? I feel like that was... He delivered that from a place of pain. It was great. 909s and heartbreaks? I feel like that was, like, he delivered that from a place of pain. 909s and heartbreaks is Connor's diary. Well, anyways, a high school

cheerleader burned her newborn baby to death. Her official defense, we didn't start the fire. It was always burning since my fucking dammit. Every dammit motherfucker piece of shit. Tom, you can't say a regular sentence. What makes you think you're going to be able to sing a song?

Every element of that was amazing because in your brain you're like, I know what relates to high school girls in 2017. Billy Joel. It was 2018, but yeah, yeah, yeah. Shut the fuck up. You fucking asshole. Shut your idiot. Shut your fat hole.

You fucking dumb. You big dunce. You non-year-knowing motherfucker. You don't know anything. I know what year it is. I respect that you bombed the joke, but then still decided to correct him. What was the punchline supposed to be before you died? It's not.

It's fucking... The buildup's gone. You know, you guys wouldn't appreciate it. Oh, yeah, the moment. It would be... I mean, it was killing. I mean... It was great.

We weren't already ready to destroy you for it. Now I'm frantically looking like, do we have any song parodies this week? All right, guys. A Connecticut State Trooper named Dragon was arrested for DUI after falling asleep at the wheel. Upon being taken into custody, he said, do I count towards my own quota? I get it.

Because they have DUI quotas. Oh, because he's a dragon. Nothing to do with it. I just thought that was a funny detail. Explain what you think you meant. I didn't think I meant anything. I know when he's fucking with us and when he's actually being stupid. Donald Trump's doctor declared that he is 6'3 and weighs 239 pounds. In related news, I am a Chinese acrobat, Tom is the professor of mathematics at MIT, and Connor McSpadden is straight.

Never been to MIT. I could see that gay joke coming a mile away. Yeah. My powerful eyes that I feed with the semen proteins. Keep the laser shards. You kiss dudes? Why'd you say that like a weird trailer park boy? You kiss dudes?

You kiss dudes? You're out there macking chaps. Gary, I heard you like to mack on a chopper right now. You're snogging a fella. You're out there slob and dongs. You're a dongslob and chopmacker. Dude, Scottish homophobe is my new favorite character. Shreksual harassment.

You guys ruined Madagascar and Shrek. We're going to destroy the whole DreamWorks back catalog by the end of this episode. You're not their dunking fellas, Kenny. Donkey, I shit my pants, Donkey. We're not doing Shing fellas, Gary. Donkey, I shit my pants, donkey. Oh, God, we're not doing this. Watch your fucking back, Wreck-It Ralph. That's a Disney movie. No, it's not.

It is a Disney movie. Continue. Yes. That's why I'm here. He has climbed to the top of a hill thinking he's right and then realizes he's about to fall on it. I'm going to let someone else die here. Goodbye. There's nothing better than you.

I don't think you've ever corrected someone correctly. You always jump into like, um, actually, and then you shit your pants, do a little dance and fall down. All right. You're up, Scotty. All right. Trump took to Twitter to call the Women's March a celebration of the economic success and wealth creation of his first year in office. Trump then responded to critics with, I know you are, but what am I? That's actually pretty good.

Thanks. Yeah, that was insane that he tried to be like, oh, they're out there marching for how good of a president I am. Well, I just – It was like if Mr. Burns said that line on The Simpsons, you'd be like, that's a bit much. Right. Like he's trolling. He was be like, that's a bit much. He's trolling. That's a good troll.

Honestly, that's a pretty funny idea. I don't want to give him credit. What a good time to sell. He's just trying to change the narrative. Or just be a dick. It's kind of funny. Either way, he's proving points. They had signs that said the exact opposite.

They literally tried to say, nah, fuck you. They're mad that he doesn't want a Mac and Chops. Not in my America. I'm the most American man that's ever lived. The homophobic Scottish guy. A Canadian woman was caught... Take two. A Canadian woman was caught after killing her best friend and then posting a photo of them together earlier that

night. She is being convicted of first degree murder and third degree rudeness for not tagging her friend in the post. Because she's Canadian! Yeah! It's just funny hearing Tom do some very like, whoa, this is social media crazy.

You didn't even want to do some kind of oompa-loompa-doopity-doo thing about how she had to bury her friend with their yearbook photos or something. Actually, I recommend the article just because it's fucking crazy. They found out that she did it because of the – she wore a fat woman belt in the photo, and that was – What's a fat woman? Is that like Catwoman? It's a belt for fat women. That is photo. What's a fat woman? Is that like Catwoman?

It's a belt for fat women. That is not what it's called. I don't know. Hello, sir. Thank you. Could you show me your fat women belt? I don't know the medical name for it, but they could tell. A fat woman belt is just a strip of bacon. It's a belt of... They could forensically tell that it was a thick, fat-ass belt

that killed her, and they're like, that's crazy that this... And then they found her that way. It was pretty interesting. Oh, that's fun. Yeah. You guys bring up a good point, though. You meant like tagging on Facebook and not like toe tags, right? Like, that's not what you're...

Oh, yeah, that would be funny. Is that called kicking someone? What is a toe tag? It's what they put on your body. When you die. That's how they show up on you. Oh, yeah. I think about the Death Certificate album cover with Uncle Sam.

What? I don't know why you thought that was going to get him. A bill on the floor of the Iowa Statehouse would add a Bible literacy class to public schools. Critics are calling the bill costly as it would have to first introduce regular literacy to the Iowa curriculum. They dumb. Dumb ass. Not from here,ass motherfuckers. Everyone that doesn't live within a 50-mile radius from me is a paste-gurgling troglodyte

that doesn't deserve democracy or a voice or... You know what bums me out? I live 60 miles from you right now. Case in point. But he also lives in the 909, so his standards are low. Like, this... 951? I live...

Here. Directly next door. I lived 11 feet away You don't live At the riverside Yeah learn geography I live in the

Inland Valley Center Mall In the parking lot Where I forage For discarded churros That looked like Tom Was about to be Confidently wrong again No idiot

He lives in the 5, 6, 4, 7, 3, 9, 26 Oh shit 5, 6, 7, 3, 9 Yeah guys I wasn't paying attention. I got into a little bit of a kerfuffle with an octagon, but I'm back. 3, 6, 7, 5, 3, 0, 9.

5, 4. 3, 6, 45, 91. 8, 6, 7, Empire Carpet. Ah, Keith got it. Are there any other 80s songs you want to reference right now? What a weird 80s music. I said, jump. It's your turn.

It's my turn? Yeah, yeah. A television crew was arrested by TSA for bringing a fake homemade explosive device to an airport. For more on cheap phony bombs, stay tuned for Cody's next joke. Oh. Oh. Good. Okay.

I read that story, but I'm not a mean person, so I didn't come up with anything like that. That's what we call mean boys. I didn't come up with any real jokes, so I was like, I guess I'm going to be a dick to Cody. If your joke works, that means his bombs. Pressure's on. I specifically avoided writing jokes about Keith just for this reason. Good call. All right.

An IT worker for Fannie Mae told CNN she was expected to act as a personal plaything to a senior director. The director responded by saying, nah, dog, I'm not into that nerd shit. There we go. How could she in IT? Yeah. Oh. Look, I'm going to say what we're all thinking. I was right.

Yeah. I had better ones, but, you know. At least you didn't bomb to a melody. At least I got through my whole joke. That's something you can hold dear to your heart. I don't want to be the funniest person on this podcast. I just want to be the person that talks best in the microphone. You have the best hair.

Thanks. Yeah, you do have good hair. It works well on audio, right? Yeah. You use gel and shit? Actually, you know what? Tom, shut the... Funny story.

Who fucking possibly care? Ran out of gel. Who the fuck can possibly care? I just don't know how you make your hair like that. Cody, so help me God, if this ends up being an interesting anecdote, I'm going to kill you for stopping me from making Tom look stupid. I used moisturizer today. Because you could use that instead of gel. You put lotion in your hair?

Yep. And in the basket. Are you Tom? Yeah, I'm trying to moisturize my hair. Yeah, I put butter in there. I just let the stick of butter on my head and let God do the rest. Yeah, my mohawk's getting ashy. Tom, you sleep in a nest of crumbs.

So I've been telling you, these are just... Sorry. Ashy mohawk is my favorite drag queen. Continue. Scientists believe that men will no longer be born in 3.5 million years. Sith Emperor Donald Trump responds, We must build a wall around the Y chromosome. We didn't start the fire!

What? I think you had Star Wars confused with Children of Men. Yeah, they're both in the future. Whoa, no, no, Star Wars. That was baffling. Why did you bring the Star Wars helmet into it? It was a fine joke without that. I mean, it wasn't good, but it was like...

I don't know. I liked imagining Donald Trump in Sith robes trying to shoot lightning out of his hands. I'm like, I can incorporate this something that has nothing to do with it. It was always Bernie since the world was turning. It's like breathtaking. You know, the problem with battling Skywalkers, he's going to lose. I mean, that's the problem. It'd be a lot of fun.

I'd love to kill him. Let's think about how fun it would be to have Donald Trump in Star Wars as the evil emperor. I think that would be a fun... I think that is like... If there's five levels of creativity that is a level one i am a school teacher in wyoming who shares bill maher videos on facebook yeah ass idea that's pretty fucking uncompelling yeah it is uh nothing has ever moved my comedy dick less than that.

Yeah, just kind of like, sure. Real long road to call him a basic ass bitch, though. I feel like you compressed it there. I don't know. Has anybody pointed out that he's also kind of orange? And he's got wrinkles? That Doku guy in the first episode, he had an orange lightsaber. Doku?

No. Or Duong Dong or whatever. Hang on. I need to point this out. Every single part of the sentence you just said was wrong. He's in the second one. It's a red lightsaber. His name is Count Dooku.

No, not Dooku. It's his name is like Kwanzaa or something. No. Qui-Gon Jinn has a green lightsaber. Nobody has ever had an orange lightsaber in a movie. Yes, they have. I'm looking up Star Wars orange. Someone has.

If you can name all eight Star Wars movies, I will give you $5. Go. Okay. Oh, shit. Name one. The Emperor Strikes Back. Nope. So close.

So close. Keep going. Return of the Jedi. Okay. That's one. Oh, fuck. Rat-a-con. Big Boom Machine Planet.

Tom needs $5, and he is trying. Return of the Jedi. Again? Return of the Jedi? Fucking shit. Did you find it? Wrath of the Bigfoot, I think. I can't find anyone.

My hand is sad. I guess there's a guy named Master Yaddle who has an orange lightsaber. Shut up. Yaddle never lights his lightsaber in the movie. I'll just let it get him. No, but it's... Plo Koon?

Yeah, Plo Koon. You don't even know. Shut your fat mouth. He wears a mask. He wears a mask. He's an alien dude wearing a mask. Okay, Plo Koon does wear a mask. Boom!

Here's the thing. I know who Plo Koon is. He's got a fucking orange lightsaber. Does he ever light that lightsaber in the movie? Yes, he's fighting... No, I don't think he does in the movie. No's got a fucking orange lightsaber. Does he ever light that lightsaber in the movie? Yes, he's fighting No, I don't think he does in the movie. No, in the gladiator arena. Okay, that's still the second Star Wars movie, so you still were wrong.

No, you were still wrong three times in that sentence. He is more commonly portrayed with his blue-bladed lightsaber. But he does have an orange lightsaber in one of the scenes. I'm just going to Google Plo Koon, and if I can find a picture of him in the movie with an orange lightsaber What an insane route this is taking. Welcome to your voice.

Who could possibly give less of a fuck about this life? The listeners want me to be right. No, they don't. No one ever wants you to be anything. A new study states that adolescence lasts from ages 10 to 24, which means I have three months to produce something besides cum rags and excuses. That's the name of your album, right? I saw that. It really does just kind of seem like we're coming up with new fun ways for science to

back us up not growing up. Oh, yeah. We're just like, you don't need to have your own health care. You're just a baby. It is a weird generation of adult babies who just do not want to be adults. Yeah. That's not a funny observation. Just because I poop in a grocery bag.

Do you want to talk more about nostalgia? Is that where you're going? After we just yelled at each other about Star Wars for eight minutes, I'm going to be like, we need to grow up. Yeah, Tom, I'm putting you in timeout officially. I'm already in the corner. What the fuck are you going to do to me? You can't.

I'm crackly. You only get two more opinions on this episode. And after that, you are done, mister. So space him out. We are cutting you off. All right. Speaking of nerd shit, actor Michael Douglas was accused of repeatedly abusing women. Marvel responded by saying, see, we told you he was the perfect Ant-Man.

Oh, because Ant-Man. Yeah. God, I was really counting on you for carrying that. I wrote that for you. In the comic books, Ant-Man beat his wife a lot. Yeah. It's like Iron Man's an alcoholic. He's just one of those character flaws they gave him.

Yeah, Hank Pym just straight up beat a lady. They cut that out of the movie. I don't know why. Yeah. Would have been the feel-good fucking hit of the summer. Oh. Oh, the hit, like a punch. Like in the face.

Yeah. Like a pow-pow. All right. Or weed. So private investigators say there may have been foul play in the murder-suicide of a billionaire couple. The children of the couple, who hired the investigators, call off the investigation. The children cannot be reached or comment from their new private airship. That's funny.

We're on a Zeppelin called Fuck You, Dad. The dead Zeppelin. I read that shit. It's basically like Canada's Bill Gates was just mysteriously dead dead right yeah it was like they hung themselves they both hung themselves and the what's weird is they had to have like the private investigators had to figure it out they couldn't figure out that like they were bloodied up a little bit like someone else did this first right it was weird that the canada's cops are so dude rich people don't if you're rich if even if you're gonna kill yourself you just do it you You're just like, I'm just going to jump into a fucking desolation matter destruction pod,

you know, or whatever that I got on the Sharper Image catalog. Isn't it weird to think... What do you think the Sharper Image sells? I think they have Futurama suicide boots. Isn't it weird to think that Canadians are rich? Like, they have rich people in Canada? Well, they're rich and they're fake made up. Tom, what the fuck are you talking about?

Like, I always just imagine a dude in plaid chopping down a tree and turning it into syrup. Somebody's got to buy that syrup and then they get the money. Right, Americans. Almost everybody in Canada has so much more money than you. This feels racist. That is also true.

You can pick a lot of countries. I'm just saying it feels racist. I'm not saying it is racist. Nigeria, that's one of them. There we go. Probably. All right. Cut of your...

Oh, no, no. Oh, it's me. Oh, cool. I will say it is weird to think about Canadian billionaires. That's kind of a funny thought. Like, oh, I have the biggest tree. Like Justin Bieber. Like, I don't understand.

That's the biggest tree. That's my impression. Well, the Canadian economy dictates you're the king until our trees catch up. I have a maple leaf the size of a midget. I feel like that's how. And he just hang glides in on a giant leaf from his big money tree. Oh, Canada. That's pretty good.

Thank you. I have a good midget voice. I thought you were like a flying squirrel. Oh, I was doing the midget on the maple leaf. Oh, okay. I got you. Like he was riding in on the maple leaf. Oh, okay. I got you. Like he was riding in an autumn maple leaf. I escaped from Logan Paul.

Freedom! A video of a python and alligator fighting in an epic battle on a Naples, Florida golf course went viral. The alligator won with a par two while the python scored a triple bogey. That was the best joke you've ever done in the podcast, Tom. That was funny. Thanks, asshole. I was real worried for you, too, because you were stumbling over setup.

There were too many words in there. You just literally said, an alligator, python, they got in a fight. It was at a golf course. Anyway, here's a Bob Crew song. Squirrels, squirrels, squirrels. Smoking in the python. Fire away.

I feel like this is more of a one's bit twice shy kind of scene. I love holes in one. I'm a lizard baby, so why don't you kill me? Tom's a musical punchline roulette. Whip it good. Whip it any way you want it. Whip it how you need it.

There's a fucking crocodile. This is the second time Tom has sung Journey to Me today. I don't even remember the first time, but I believe it. I forget. We were on the way to the liquor store. Oh, probably had something to do with my surroundings. Well, you know what, Tom? You got to go retrace your steps

to remember why you said whatever dumbass fucking thing you are. That's something to do with my surroundings? Oh yeah, I probably saw a bright light and got spooked and that's why I bit the guy. Please don't put me down. Mr. Dog Police. Connor, you're up.

A new plan to fight congestion was charged $12 for driving a car in Manhattan. In addition, the commission behind the proposal plans to charge $30 to tell people about the benefits of meditation. Sorry, I wasn't totally listening. No, I wasn't totally saying it. I was trying to think of journey lyrics to change. I just don't know. Don't worry, guys. I'll get something.

All right. A dead pregnant woman in South Africa gave birth to an infant corpse during her own funeral. On the plus side, a South Africa family just saved a bunch of money on having to throw a baby funeral. Yeah, that really happened. Just beat it. Yeah, they were buried. Just eat the baby, maybe? Eat it.

Eat the baby. Yeah, no, they were trying trying to like, yeah, they were burying her and she was like, pray goes when she died. And she just had a stillborn baby in the coffin. And I guess the people there were just like, ah, witchcraft! They thought it was a voodoo night. I just imagine one guy was just like, well, fuck this,

and just closed the coffin. The delivery of that joke, though, made you sound like the most oppressing progressive agent. The delivery of that joke was about as good as her delivery in terms of timing. Hey-oh. All right.

That baby's dead, baby. The lead singer of the Cranberries died last week. The cause of the death has not been revealed, but the coroner did confirm that she ended up

becoming a zombie. Boom! He's a plumber. I'm so mad at you. Pull out my ears. The joke there is that she's been embalmed and she's now a crazen. That's the joke. That's a funny joke.

I got Keith on a coffee steak. Fuck. I love the cranberries. I know. So did I. God damn it. Yeah, Tom, you got one more joke. Yeah.

In honor of Dolores fucking English pants. She's Irish. Oh, really? Yeah. Dolores Riordan. She would like that I didn't respect anything about her. They're a good band, sorry. Rest in peace.

Yeah, yeah, dead. Fertility is at an all-time low, but pregnancy is at a high, mostly because of artificial insemination, or as I call it, getting cucked by science. Come in me. Come on me. I need cum. The science dick. All right.

We'll be right back. We're saving that. No problem Go Cranberries And now God watching the news We're live on the scene of the devastating earthquake Talking to one young woman who lost her home

Fatma, how are you holding up? We have no possessions left, no clean water. Everything we've worked for is gone. What god would let this happen? Oh, sorry. I stopped five new kinds of AIDS and a racist Godzilla last week, but nobody ever talks about that on the news. You know what? That's it.

I'm making 12 new YouTube stars, and I'm keeping this Tide Pod meme going for another month. Suck my dick! That was God Watching the News. and I'm keeping this Tide Pod meme going for another month. Suck my dick. That was God watching the news. If you've been listening to the show for a while, you know that we only listen to things with studio headphones. That's right.

Studio headphones are premium on-ear fucking Swedish awesome headphones that won't hurt your family. If I want to hear the voice of any of my loved ones, I make them call me just so I could take the call on studio headphones so it sounds even better than real life. It'll turn you into an absolute monster, but a stylish monster. They're so fucking sleek and aesthetically pleasing. The battery life is phenomenal. You can use Bluetooth and fucking walk around jamming out like Baby Driver. Or you can use their crazy magical cord that does not tangle ever.

Never. Not even once is it even kind of tangled. No, if it ever tangles, riot. It's fucking crazy. We keep talking about it and it's not even in the ad copy that we should be discussing, but it's a very, very good auxiliary cord.

Speaking of monsters, Mr. Ear exclusively listens to audio with Studio Headphones. And Lord knows we all care what the fuck Mr. Ear's deal is. Oh, jeez, I can't imagine why we don't have more fucking sponsors when every single product has a Mr. Blah, blah, blah dip shit.

I can't wait for Professor MeUndies to dick us out of some money. Anyway, go to studiosweden.com, pick up your pair today, use promo code MEANBOYS15 to get 15% off. We get a little kickback, you get some fucking killer headphones. Everybody wins.

There's free shipping all over the world. And listen like a cool guy. And the Mean Boys podcast is back to do one of our favorite segments. It's been a while. Excited to come back to it. How about it? No, no, no. Shut the fuck up.

Okay. New names. It's time for new names. New names. Yeah. I remember. new names it's time for new names new names yeah I remember I think they're called

other things now yeah no wait I looked this up and I was trying to find because I was doing research and I only found like four episodes

that weren't live episodes that you guys didn't yeah I guess we haven't done this as much as we thought one of them had Joe Dosh on it so that's how

who? we don't talk never mind I don't know I've never I haven't heard that name in years you know it's funny I wonder One of them had Joe Dosh on it, so that's how... Who? We don't talk about that. I don't know. I've never... I haven't heard that name in years. You know what's funny? I wonder if he means old Ben Dosh.

Cody, you're really fucking this up. People don't know that Joe has assumed the new identity of Tom. I just want... I want Mean Boys to be big enough that there are people that have conspiracy theories where they're just like,

if you look at the shape of their fat heads, you'll see with a little bit of barbershop pubes and spirit gum, you could make them into a whole new dumbass. I'll take us away with a new name. A new name for latte art. That'll now be called Millennial Balloon Animals.

I really like that. I'm pretty funny. I'm getting almost too good at podcasting. It's boring. I've got to move on to something else that challenges me, like street magic. Oh, God. We were on a whole David Blaine kick last night. Oh, I forgot. I wanted to bring this up in the intro.

Thompson, one of the funniest things, he's like, is David Blaine black? And I was like, I don't think so. I'll look it up. And I was just like, oh, he's a quarter Puerto Rican. And he just goes, oh, that's a big quarter. He's a Puerto Rican. He just goes, oh, that's a big quarter. He's a Puerto Rican. Yeah, that was my quip. All right.

Cheap gay guys will now be known as pleather daddies. Ooh. What did I say? Mac and chaps? Oh, yeah. You're mac and chaps! Mac and chaps on the gutter, you cheap gay boy. Mac and chaps sounds like weird gay sex, but also kind of a really good food.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sounds like something that comes in a basket. No, that's something that you would make. It would just be like nachos, but with mac and cheese instead of just regular cheese. Oh, my dude, I'm going to make the fuck out of that now. I never thought of that. Oh, you love Mac and Chops, don't you? Oh, you're Mac-a-little-chops.

Oh, you're Mac and Chops, you fat son of a... The greatest Irish delicacy, nachos. Irish nachos. Irish nachos are dumb bullshit. Irish nachos are fantastic. As someone that's watching me eat poutine, I don't understand why you're like Irish nachos. I mean, calling them Irish nachos seems disrespectful.

Like, Irish carbo. We're not appropriating nachos. You are appropriating nachos. Oh, as opposed to the rest of the Irish food? Just a bunch of fucking... Well, if anything, we're being racist to Irish people by just saying because there's a potato in it, it's an Irish nacho. That's all they have. It really is, yeah.

It's like, oh, we have a fucking potato and we're not going to add sheep to it? I drove through the countryside of my homeland looking at these fucking famine walls that people put up to try to separate the soil and grow their little shitty potatoes. And I was just like, I get it because I also wouldn't have the self-esteem to leave. I'd be like, I deserve to eat one root vegetable a day and then go work the fields and cry under the fucking

black sun. I get it. That's who we are. They also used to have cranberries, too. I just want to point that out. Until recently. Until very recently to have cranberries, too. I just want to point that out. Until recently. Yeah, until very recently. The cranberry famine. All right. Fat Game Man.

The Cramming. Hey, lady. Sit down and let me tell you a tale of the Cramming. You couldn't get a daiquiri for thousands of years. Years. They had to let it linger. All the women died of pussy diseases and we were forced to mack chaps

just to pass the time. Years. I can't do an Irish accent. I can do very racist Scottish accent. I can do relapse Craig Ferguson. Move over, cat in the hat. I can do relapse Craig Ferguson, but that's about it. All right. Fat gay men wearing leggings will now be called yogi bears.

Oh, I like that. That's very good. Because yoga. Wow. Well done. That's really good. That's a perfectly symmetrical joke. I like that we're so proud of it.

It sounds condescending. No, I'm just... No, I know. As someone who put no effort into these, as you'll see after I only have one more good one. Oh, yeah, I blew my good one, and you guys didn't even like it that much. I'm in a lot of trouble.

I need to take a second to say, Tom, I feel you, because before he got big and was on a podcast, I was you. Like, every time all of our friends would hang out, I was the one that he would make fun of. Everything I said was wrong, and all my jokes were like, you know what, Cody? That's really funny. He would never laugh. He would just say, you know what, Cody? That's really funny.

So I paid $100 to confront him. You sure showed me. The house is rigged to burn down in half an hour. Okay, there you go. Count of Monte Cristo bullshit. Count of Monte Cristo bullshit. And again, this is...

Count of Monte Cristo. As probably the main bully of the show, this is more of a reflection on me. Tom's not stupid. I'm a bad friend. That's what is really being revealed. I just know you guys are very insecure, and I'm fine with it. He's on to us. Tom is also a fat retarded asshole

Don't get me wrong But I mean I'm not He's not that fat Wait See Good timing Tom's faking it for comic book I know when he's faking it and it's so good Because that means I know when he's not faking it

And that's delicious New name for chairs butt desks Wait a second Wait a second and that's delicious. New name for chairs, butt desks. Wait a second. Wait a second. Someone that just listened to all of these. You did a new name for couches a while ago, and you know what it was? Butt desks?

No, it was ass bed. Which is different. Hey, Cody, I hate to ruin the illusion for you. It doesn't matter. This isn't like some big... No, I'm standing... Nobody's checking the continuity on the Mean Boys.

I'm amazed you remembered a thing I said. We're not tracking asteroids that are headed towards the Earth. We're just calling shit others. For instance, my next one is I'm going to call poop toilet food. So I'm not exactly trying to reinvent the wheel here. I'm here standing up for all the Mean Boys fans. We demand better content.

You fucking asshole. Toilet food. You check it. I love it. Oh my God. Oh God. A gangbang will now be known as a gravy train.

Very good. All right. Down syndrome will now be known as reverse Asian syndrome. What? Wait, what? Because of the... No, because Down syndrome kind of makes you look a little Asian. I feel like they go the opposite way.

I'm just saying, I wouldn't think it immediately, but if you're talking about Asians with Down syndrome, people like... That seems like they would have really big eyes. Is it because they're bad at math? All right, everyone... No, I'm on fire today, guys. Connor just ripped on that joke. Everybody get the fuck out of my way. I'm just fire today, guys. Connor just ripped on that joke.

Everybody get the fuck out of my way. I'm just hanging out. Dinosaurs will never be... Dinosaurs will never be called good breath dragons. They don't breathe fire. It's very simple. Me and Tom get it because we're smart. dinosaurs will now be called Good Breath Dragons. What? They don't breathe fire. It's very simple. Me and Tom get it because we're smart.

Yeah. Yeah, hell yeah. I love it. Tom, no one here has more, like, testosterone than you, and no one's voice cracks more often.

Like, you look like you're 45, but you get, like, puberty voice every time you're not sure of yourself. Oh, jeez. Oh, funny, exasperated voice. Oh, of yourself. Oh, geez. That's so funny. Exasperated voice.

Oh, Morty. Oh, my God, Morty. All right. New name for, in light of these allegations, new name for David Blaine, and in honor of George H.W. Bush, David Copperfield. Oh, my God.

Well, let's tag team on that. New name for destroying your career by publicly admitting to a rape, Kamikazes. Oh. Oh. Okay. God damn. Did he admit finally? No, it was just a... Look, they're not all good. Yeah. Dude, by the way,

listening audience, do yourself a favor and watch every David Blaine magic special on Netflix right now. Watch David Blaine fuck with Harrison Ford. That is the number one best one. No, the best one, Kanye watching a hand being stabbed. Fucking, that was good. And just not knowing what face to make.

Jaden Smith seeing a card trick. I thought you were going to say, do yourself a favor and don't get raped by cops. Which is also good. They're both good. That and David Blaine. One of them's got to help your career, right? Jesus, you're up. Yeah, not after that.

All right. Trans people will're up. Not after that. All right. Trans people will now be known as cis-stakes. Cis-stakes. Oh, man. I just love the collective clenching in here. Oh, God, no. It's like if I'm going to go down for a joke, I'd like it to be a good one. I love you playing with fire.

Fire that used to be water. If I'm going to get in trouble, I'd like to be having over something funny. I'm sorry. New name. Hi, Robin. New name for fingering, digging for clams. Clam digging. Oh, my God.

That's a website, though. That's like an early 2000s porn site. Oh, really? No, it doesn't exist, but it should have. My favorite euphemism for fingering that I heard from a friend of mine, it's feeding the horse. Wait, aren't clam diggers like a type of pan? I think so. Yeah.

That's how you get the camel tongue. That sounds like a racial slur for Pacific Islanders. Daughter of mine, fucking some clam digger. New name for Down syndrome. All right. How many have we done? Do we have two left? We have two left.

Okay. Nothing good here. New name for feminazis, Gal-kida, I guess. I don't even believe in the concept of feminazis, but it sure rhymed. You ever look at one and realize you're about to say it out loud? Yeah, every time. Albino black dudes will now be called vanilla gorillas.

Well, we found the hill to die on. I warned you earlier that was happening. Sure is fucking sad on this hill here. I apologize to our robust albino listeners. We got an email. I love when I get emails that it's like, hey, what's up? Love the show. I just want to let you know you have one black transgender fan in Brixton. And I'm like, thank you.

That's very funny. You're buying us a lot of mileage. Alright. Jesus Christ. I'm having the same thing you're having right now. Broken Apple products will now be known as Bernie Macs that's very good building the first

railroads in America are now known as the Panda Express I think you forgot to say the word Asians new names is always the most racist segment somehow.

I don't even... It's never intentional. Really? You don't know how... All right, guys. I love all people... Well, I don't like anybody really, but I love all people equally.

You guys, can I please get a drum roll for this next one? I'm very proud of it. New Name for Hot Air Balloons, Amish helicopters. Brother has a guy here with the weather report. Pretty goddamn good, guys. From Action Chopper, it's a balloon. Oh, God.

Well, here's the worst one. Horny midgets will now be called cumple stiltskins. Don't worry, Keith. I also saved my worst for last. Nice. Very good. Extra small condoms will now be called 22s. Like the gun?

Like the opposite of a magnum. Yeah, that's... Oh. That's actually funny. It was just too smart for me. Yeah. God damn it. Dumb it down for us. Cody, I'll tell you what we're going to do.

We're going to put that joke right up there on the refrigerator right there so we can look at it every day here this is a kind of stupid you gotta

under the rainbow magnet you guys have can you use actually can you guys use a Keith magnet for that one

that would make you feel better yeah when we make them two weeks later get yours today slash later frogs

frogs frogs will now be known as why did you have to remind yourself how to say the word frog so many times? Frogs. Frogs.

Frogs. Why? There's so many frogs. They're hopping. They're hopping. Why are they hopping? They're hopping all over the place. I thought he was trying to do

the Budweiser commercial. Why are they trying to cross the street? Where are they going? I'm licking them. I'm not feeling anything. They're calling them lick you lizards. Wait, what?

Lick you lizards? Lizards also have tongues. Yeah, they have bitch tongues compared to frogs. No, they do. I'm not getting into a reptile tongue debate with you, Tom. You think lizards have better tongues than frogs? You fucking crazy? It's 2.41 in the afternoon.

I got a whole rest of the day to live here. I can't do this right now. No, they got the skinniest. No, okay. First of all, snakes can taste the air and smell with their tongues. Fucking so do lizards and frogs. Hey, guys, if you're going to get your pussy eaten by any animal, what animal? Oh, a dog.

Controversial pick here. Okay, hilarious. Dogs got the biggest tongue. Historically hilarious. I mean, giraffes they didn't appear going that way bro a giraffe I would have my ass

seen by a giraffe oh hell yeah dude if I could do that instead of toilet paper I would go I'm gonna go for a good breath dragon those things

a dinosaur the kids of that billionaire couple definitely getting their ass cleaned by giraffes up there on the fucking the floating

sky balance alright guys you're taking out Amish helicopter right I stopped paying attention a while ago clean by draft up there on the fucking the floating sky balance all right guys i stopped paying attention a while ago because i was just thinking about various kinds of animal cunnilingus but uh the mean boys podcast will be right back after this don carlos taco shop is the number one destination for podcast themed burritos in North America. That's right. If you're in La Jolla, California, you probably already know about Don Carlos. But if you don't, go to Don Carlos Taco Shop right across the street from the La Jolla Comedy Store. Yeah, they have a whole bunch of different things you can eat. Some of them are vegetarian.

Vegetarian if you're, you know, gay. Well, dude, I don't like that. But go to eataburrito.com. Check out their very non-homophobic, inclusive website. This is the only burrito, for my knowledge, that is not actively supporting the Westboro Baptist Church. That's true. And you should eat there because Don Carlos sponsors the show, and it's actually very, very good. I'm Mr. Labor.

Shut your fat hole. Shut your shit-eating mouth. I love their California burritos with French fries and sour cream, and it's fucking delicious. This is not even so bad it's good. It's just bad. Go, California burritos. Oh, my God. Shut up. And the Mean Boys podcast returns after a smoke break where Cody said one of the funnier

things. Can you repeat what you said outside? Oh, probably not. As a listener, you guys are really fun, but being here is different. Yeah, it's just realizing, oh no, I met my dream and it was terrible. Kill your heroes.

We are back to the close of the show as we always do with a round of Witch of the Following. Yay. Yay. That was so intense. Hey, hey, Connor. Connor, Connor. What's up?

Can I try your headphones? My studio headphones? Yeah. Why? I don't, they look nice. This should be a good plug. Let's do it. Are you doing a bit here?

No, I've been thinking about buying some. Also, kind of. I don't know, this could be a plug. Here's the thing. I don't think they're going to reach over there.

Tom, yeah. Slow in and out. All right. Well, I guess we're cutting a studio commercial now. Use promo code MEANBOYS15. What do you think of those studio headphones, Cody? Hopefully positive things. The cord fell out.

Okay. Well, it doesn't normally do that, and that's a user error. What a great time for this. What a bizarre thing you thought was a good idea. This is good for this. What a bizarre thing you thought was a good idea. This is good for me. I think your head's smaller than mine. I hope so. No, these are nice.

Why are everything so clear? Right? Yeah. I got to get me a Bluetooth, though. Oh, it has Bluetooth. Oh, Cody, you simple bitch. They have Bluetooth out the ass, you dumb whore. That battery is going to last forever, you fucking idiot.

It's so blue. Would it last me long enough to make a bus up here? Oh, you bet your black ass it would. Bus here, bus back, another bus here, potentially another bus back. Fucking bust in your own ass because you're so excited about your beautiful headphones. Promo code MEANBOYS15. I can't believe how many of you guys actually buy those. Yeah.

They told us and they're like, yeah, we need you to drive sales to this $100 product. It'll get $15 off. And I was like, there's no way anybody has an extra $100 for anything. Me and Connor had maybe the hardest I laughed. You want to put on Cody's headphones, Tom? Nah. I'll give these back. I'll give these back. I'll give these back.

In that studio, it's not worth it. Oh, yeah. Listen like a ninja, baby. Wow, Tom, a real company man. Nice job. For the listener, Tom just broke his studio headphones. Which is hard to do. They're high-quality headphones.

That's unbelievable. There you go. Which is hard to do They're high quality headphones That's unbelievable Because they emailed They emailed Connor For like For the reads And Connor was like No And we were just Fucking laughing hysterically

A bunch of Swedish people Oh yeah Getting footage of Mr. Ear And we're like Okay How will we send this to Rogan Like trying to convince Other people

To be Well here's the thing I think Because we sell A good amount of headphones I think they're like Oh let's hear what they're doing we send this to Rogan like trying to convince other people to be us. Well, here's the thing. I think because we sell a good amount of headphones I think they're like oh, let's hear what they're doing

and we can recommend their marketing strategies to other podcasting advertising clients. And we're just like yeah, this guy listens to the show Strangle the Lady

anyway, get these headphones. Oh my god. And they're like why does this work? America is such a twisted land. So please keep buying studios and never tell like, why does this work? America is such a twisted land. So please keep buying studios and never tell

them what you've heard here. Yeah, a horgan, dorgan, borgan, the Tom and Dugan, Mr. Ears and Beers and what the fuck. Yeah, where does the

umlaut go in Carnock? Yeah, I mean, if you want to, if you want, these are good for porn. Oh, they are rocking

for porn. If you want to, you know, like, really hear somebody, MacaChop! All right, which of the following? My headphones are cut down now. There we go.

All right, there we go. Your Don studio headphones. Let's not talk shit on the product. No, this is a talking shit on the mixer that Kyle bought us. Oh, cool. So fuck Kyle. Yeah, don't bring me into this. Yeah, thanks for the free shit, dummy.

Thank you, Adam Todd Brown, for the webcams. We will be streaming soon. We're moving the studio. We'll talk about this later. Oh, I was looking around for a camera. I'm like, no way. There are new developments coming in the Mean Boys house. You'll be hearing about those very soon. This week's Witch of the Fallen comes to us from Alexis Jester. She says, Hello, Mean Boys. It's your old pal, Death of the Filth. Since my spouse

recently came out as transgender, and I've realized I'm non-binary, we've been learning lots about the various terms and language in the trans community, and much of it is utterly bonkers. So I've transcribed a few of these terms into which of the following for you to enjoy. So which of the following is not a gender slash sexuality term? Number one, all gender terms edition. A, gender void.

Someone who identifies as no gender at all. B, maverick. That's a sketch that we did. Everybody loves the void. Gaze into the gender void. B. Maverick. I thought that was the taint.

I thought... Taint quite a lady, taint quite a dude. That's pretty funny. B. Maverick. A non-binary gender that exists outside the socially boundaries of gender. C, teragender, a gender in between female and neutral, but not quite to non-binary status. Is that...

I thought that had something to do with Earth. I got dizzy halfway through that one. There's no way Tom is going to be able to follow any of these. Or D... Or airbender. Or D, novagender, an extremely complex gender that is impossible to describe in a single term. Oh, can you explain B again? No. D, Novagender, an extremely complex gender that is impossible to describe in a single term. Oh, can you explain B again?

No. The description is maverick, a non-binary gender that exists outside the social boundaries of gender. Oh, that's the blue bitch that could turn into different people? Mystique from the X-Men. Yeah. Oh! Tom's super heroine persona is Mesquite. He can make himself taste like any kind of different sauce. Oh, no, he's using his dry rub ability.

I got to say it's Novagender. Novagender? Yeah. Okay. I'm going to go with D also, yeah. Okay. I think it's Terragender, and here's why. That was one of them, right?

Yeah, Terra. Yeah, I think it's chicken tenders. Terragender with C, yeah. Okay. I think it's Terra gender and here's why. That was one of them, right? Yeah. Yeah, I think it's chicken tenders. Terra gender with C, yeah. So Terra means, is Latin for earth, and that has nothing to fucking do with what they said. Okay. I think it's based off United States of Terra, the short lived, but pretty good HBO show. Wokeness and like

college degrees are usually tied together, so I feel like they wouldn't misuse a Latin word. How do you spell tarot? T-A-R-I. Uh-oh. It's tar-agendered. Well, yeah.

No, tar-gendered is what we'll tell you when you're older. Well, my logic no longer applies. Yeah, it's about the birds in the shoes. The birds in the shoes. Yeah, my logic no longer about the birds in the shoes yeah my logic no longer applies but I'm still gonna go with it all right fuck of it this is

earth shatteringly upsetting the correct answer is C it's Tara shattering with Tom's logic being that trans people are usually

college educated. Yeah. And you have to learn Latin in college. That's part of it. Okay. If I know fucking Latin roots, they know it. All right. I was especially dropout.

Okay. Oh, you know, the Latin roots. The drummer is Quest Amor. Boom. That's a joke. Fuck you to death. Now, round number two, all polyamory terms edition. Which of the following is not real?

A, frubble. A feeling of happiness that comes from seeing your partner with their partner. B. Frubble is when me and Keith tag team a girl. Fucking Barney frubble. Frubbles are those things you're not supposed to have on a Star Trek ship. Frubble. Dude, frubble is... The trouble with frubbles. frubble is the funniest fucking word I've ever heard, dude.

B, ambiguous, sweetie. A partner with whom your relationship isn't clearly defined. I'm not mad at any of these concepts. It's just the names are just so funny. Yeah. C, meta-amory. In a relationship with multiple partners, none of whom are in relationships with anyone else or each other.

You just fuck a lot. Wait, that doesn't even... Meta-amory is when you're in a relationship with multiple partners, none of them are in relationships with anybody else or each other. So it's like... It means whore. Let's call it what it is.

It's whore. Jesus Christ. I'm fucking kidding, okay? Or D, polycule. A romantic network of the various interlockings of a polyamorous relationship. Polycule sounds like a motherfucking Pokemon. Yeah. Yeah, metamory, too.

Like, that's the bird with metal wings, right? Ambiguous, sweetie, sounds like what Jigglypuff evolves into. I've got to go ambiguous, sweetie. Although, God, that's probably fucking real. Yeah, these all sound like Pokemon. Yeah. What was A and B? A was Frubble, B was Ambigu-Sweetie. I, you know,

Frubble, Frubble, Frubble, Frubble. I'm going Frubble. Big Frubble in little vagina. I guess. I don't know. I wrote that a lot. I'm like pondering the idea of polyamory for myself, so I feel like this is a test to get in. I've been dipping my toe in.

It's pretty sweet. You've just been fucking a lot of people. Yeah, but they're all polyamorous, so I got to fuck a house twice. Polyamory's for fucking losers. That's true. Whatever, dude. That's no way to talk about her. She's a nice lady.

I really like you. You're a cool chick. All right, we don't need to get any further into the rabbit hole. I just want to name her right now. As long as you're not Mac and Chaps. Dude, calling it Mac and Chaps is just the funniest thing to do. Dude, you just go fucking Mac on some broads, Mac on some chaps. D.

You're saying D? A. Okay. Ambiguity, sweetie. The correct answer is C, Meta Emery. Wow. It's a fake one. You're all wrong.

Damn. Three, which of the following is not real? A, ambisexual. Sexuality means very little to you and your own sexuality morphs from day to day. It's called a nerd. No, that's not OkCupid. I know that one.

Yeah. OkCupid is like an elephant graveyard of people who just made up sex nonsense. It's just like, I'm a fucking goof-gendered... That would make me the hyena.

I identify as three raccoons and a trench coat. I'm a non-practicing furry. Like, what? I'm a Christmas and Easter furry. Yeah, I'm a lapsed eat-ass lick. Be very oriented. Very oriented, V-A-R-I oriented.

Being sexually attracted to one gender, but romantically attracted to a different gender. C... Wait, is it very oriented, the opposite of Down syndrome? C, a gray asexual. That's someone who is only sexually attracted rarely or under special circumstances. Or D, polygender, identifying as multiple genders at the same time. I'm going to need you to go through every one of those you stuttered at. Absolutely not.

That one got straight up geometrical. The third one, I guess. These are the shapes I was dreaming about. That's true. You're B and C. Yeah, polygona. Polygonosexual. It's when you want to fuck a star. Which one?

B and C. B is very oriented. Being sexually attracted to one gender, but romantically attracted to a different gender. And C is gray asexual. Someone who is only sexually attracted, rarely, or under special circumstances. Ah, shit. Now mine doesn't work

um fuck I'm thinking you guys go the third one I think I've solidly picked D every time so I'm going to go that it's got to be one of the times right okay let's see D yeah I'll go B the correct answer is A

oof fuck you all you told us that was real. You fucking said it. Yeah, Cody. I know. I almost blew it. I was like, what idiot? I trusted you. That means when you can fuck with your right dick and your left dick just as well.

They call that the Amish helicopter. Tom, I started this podcast by saying I was you. Why would you believe me? I trust me. Poor decision making. I'm alive, aren't I? Can I tell the story of the most Tom-ass moment Cody ever had in our life? One time I was living on a couch in this apartment.

Well, that doesn't sound like you. And he was over with his girlfriend at the time playing. We were all playing Guitar Hero. And then he sort of takes me aside and he's like, hey, man, here's the deal. I'm trying to fuck. Here's $10. Go to 7-Eleven and hang out for an hour. So I was like, yeah, I'll be a good bro.

And we're all drinking. So I go over there. I get a snack. I play some scratchers, whatever. I come back hoping I'm not going to interrupt the fucking. Instead, when I come in, Cody has blacked out drunk, has passed out with his dick out on the couch, and this girl is just playing Guitar Hero alone. And she's like, oh, you want to play? So we just played Carry On My Wayward Son over Cody's unconscious nude body.

That's pretty funny, dude. It's the perfect soundtrack for that. Carry on my wayward son. There'll be peace when I am tall. You actually knew the words to that one. I was impressed. Round number four. Shut up.

Number four. Which of the following? I did lay my word. A. Androsexual. Attracted to masculine gender, but not necessarily to men. B. Right? It's infuriating.

I don't even care. Not even infuriating. It's exhausting becauseating. I don't even care. It's not even infuriating. It's just like it's exhausting because I don't know what these mean. Well, for me, it's just like everyone has a different thing. Do we have the categories every single day? I'm not mad that people have these things. I'm just like, why does this need a label is kind of just my feeling. I'm kind of with you on that.

It's not that people have these sexual. Everyone has different sexual preferences. No one's exactly the same. Yeah, this would be like if I was like, everybody has to learn the word for, I don't want to eat soup. Well, yeah, my old deal is just like, hi, this is who I am. This is my dick. This is my

personality. You into that or not? You really excluded women there who don't have dicks. No, I meant for me. I'm just controlling my own house. It's a matter of convenience. And I fucked a woman with a dick. No, I meant for me. I'm just controlling my own house. It's a matter of convenience. I fucked a woman with a dick. No, I'm saying you're excluding women. I was saying you're excluding women that don't have dicks.

How dare you condescend to me. I fucked a bunch of women without dicks. Yeah, my whole day. I fucked one who just had two buttholes once. No pussy, just multi-anus. Ugh. Sorry, I got the front shits. I'm imagining No pussy, just multi-anus. Alright, so A was intersexual. Oh, sorry, I got the front

shits. I'm imagining a butt, but instead of a regular butt, it's like cow utter butt, like there's four holes. Choose wisely. Behind one of these buttholes lies a Bengal tiger. Utter butt. You put the butt butt

with the butt. And they come in the butt. You put the butt butt with the butt. Give me a shit pop with the cum in the butt. Alright, let's learn about fucking bisexual or whatever. B, a poor gender. Someone with a strong gender identity who is non-binary. What? I'm sorry, did you say a porridge gender?

I won't subject. Somebody who has a strong gender identity and no gender. What, sir, I want some dick. Somebody who has a strong gender identity and no gender. What? C, metamor, your partner's partner who you are not in a relationship with. Or D, masculite, someone who identifies between male and gender void. You know what? I thought this list was a little excessive until I found myself described perfectly.

Masculite. Well, I'm aggressive and insecure like a man, but I sit like a lady. Masculite sounds like... I do listen to Sushi and the Banshees a lot. Masculite sounds like Diet Viagra. Like a half chub. All right, pick one. Oof.

Well, Keith was laughing. He was so confused by the second one that leads me to believe It's actually real So I'm going to say Masculite Okay Was C masculine? C was metamor

D was masculine Metamor I'm going to go C Metamor Metagross That is a Pokemon And what's the description Of metamor?

Metamor was your Partner's partner Who you were not In a relationship with Yeah that's that emo band With the violin player And what was A? Androsexual, attracted to masculine gender presentation, but not necessarily to masculine.

That one's got to be real. That one should be, I want to fuck a robot. There's no justice in this world. I was waiting for somebody to get there. Yeah. I'm going to go C. Yeah, I'm going to plug you in and charge you up. It's either A or C. I'm going C.

The correct answer is D, Masculite. Hell yeah, on the board. And last round. Whoa, whoa, whoa. The correct answer was D? Yeahculite. Hell yeah. On the board. And last round. Whoa, whoa, whoa. The correct answer was D? Yeah, the one time you didn't get it, you dumb asshole. Yeah, swing and a miss. And round number five.

That's some Masculite ass shit, bro. Yeah. You little Masculite bitch. You just got Masculine heavy on. You fucking Mac Chapman. I actually, I'm going to remove my own point because I now identify as Masculite. I like that. I like to think of myself as like an eighth transgender.

Yeah, you're like dude adjacent. Yeah, well, you know, I'm just, you know, I feel like a lady sometimes. Yeah. I'm just kind of, I'm just, I'm kind of a cunt, you know. You know, how women are. You got it. Yeah, I feel like a woman because I hate women. You know, I feel like a woman because I do, against my better intentions, have some bad qualities.

That's the worst country song I've ever heard. I can be lazy. You're stupid. I drive bad. I'm not the president. But the other seven-eighths are just taken up by my good parking ability. And that's the worst thing I've ever done. As I've said many times on the podcast, I'm a wonderful parker.

Oh, my God. Guys, we love it. I was worried that was going to get sexist. Again, a good time to cover our bases and say this was sent in by our non-binary fan. I think she's trans. I don't know. She's non-binary. Her husband's trans.

She's something weird. Hey, there's a lot going on. Love you, Phil. Yeah, we'll see you in Indiana. That's her Twitter handle. We're not just you in Indiana. That's her Twitter handle. I'm not just calling her Phil. That's her Twitter handle. I'm not just calling her Phil.

Hey, so what's Filthy Bob got to say about these? Filthy Barb. All these fantasy penises. Round number five, all real or all fake. A, gynecule. A polyamorous relationship. Hey, man, you will never. Gynecule. A polyamorous relationship. Hey, man, you will never defeat gynecule. Gynecule.

A polyamorous relationship consisting of only women. B. Transenemy. Being bisexual. Want you to transenemy. trans enemy being bisexual being bisexual but the two genders you are attracted to are two transgender identities instead of cisgender identities so you're bisexual but you like

fucking andro genders and like I don't know like cat people alright so a train containing unwanted penises leaves Chicago traveling at 87 miles an hour. Give a math equation real fast. See all the cisgender. Talk into your mic.

If you're going to talk. Yeah, I think it's allo cisgender having this transgender body, but identifying as a cisgender person. That's just being a person. Wait, wait, no, that's no. That means if you have a transgender body but identifying as a cisgender person. That's just being a person. Wait, no. That means if you have a transgender body, like you've had the surgery, I think, or like hormones or something, but you're like, I'm a man again. I.

Indeed. So I think those are just like. I've never done this kind of math in my life. That sounds like that was a cystic. Yeah. Yeah. Like this. Call back.

It sounds rude, but it's like you flip-flopped and that's when you got one. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It sounds rude, but it's like you flip-flopped, and that's when you got one. I'm just trying to understand here. You know what that one actually is? That is what Mr. Garrison from South Park is. And D, androgynasexual, being solely attracted to non-barren... Androgynasexual. You have mispronounced it. You'll face the wrath of Gynecule!

Being solely attracted to non-binary, gender-avoid, or intersex people. Are those all real or all fake? What the fuck does that mean? I couldn't begin to tell you. Intersex. I want to put it in her ass.

Hey, how are you? I guess they're all real, probably. I don't know. Wait, is that all real or all fake? Oh, no. Well, in reality reality they're all fake but I think they're all real I can't make a fucking joke

about it nah dude as the most socially conscious person on the planet oh shut your fake woke ass mouth I'm saying they're all real alright all real all real all fake great answer all fake oh finally the wrath of gynecule is spared gynecule All real? All fake. The grand answer. All fake. Oh, finally.

Wow. The wrath of Gynaquil is spared. Gynaquil's got to be sick. Put the pussy to sleep. Gynaquil. Well done, you guys. On that note, the Mean Boys podcast. We'll be right back. We'll be right back. Sexy geese in shoulder pants Did the Steamboat Willie dance

Threw a table at a sailor Met some flamingos Don't know what Godzilla is They cut out my pancreas Lost control of the jets Came up my own nose Burrito Santa Tammy Gash my own nose. Burrito Santa Tammy Gash. Got my clothing from a trash. Color orange.

Mad at me. The Van Damme Academy. Which of the following I'm bad at remembering? Had to quit drinking so now I do karate. Tom set the house on fire. Sorry guys. My bad. I'm not good at the toaster. Tom set the house on fire Sorry guys, my bad I'm not good at the toaster Tom set the house on fire

Oh no, I gotta save my swords and my hammer And the Mean Boys podcast is back After this rip-roaring episode Take a little dip into the Mean Boys mailbag Some tweets here Luis Galvez asks What dystopia would you guys be best suited for? After this rip-roaring episode, let's take a little dip into the Mean Boys mailbag. Some tweets here. Louis Galvez asks, What dystopia would you guys be best suited for?

Interesting question. Tom Goss is certainly the Mad Max dystopia. That's not dystopia. That's an apocalypse. Dystopia. I think it's still a dystopia when you get into the Trash Kingdoms and whatnot. Oh, that's true. It is kind of a low-tech dystopia, but a dystopian nonetheless. Which apocalyptic scenario would you thrive in, I think, is the idea.

Any dystopia where there's no technology, I'm going to do it. He has his own dystopia, a dystopian on the left which apocalyptic scenario would you thrive in i think yeah any any uh dystopia where there's no technology i'm gonna do well he has his own dystopia guys you wrote it anything where i don't have to divide fractions i'm gonna kill i would do well in brave new world because all you do is take heroin and fuck wide-hipped women while like retarded people do all the hard work you know much doing that already yeah yeah i would kind of love Brave New World because I'd just be like, well, I'm going to take

a four Soma tablet weekend and yeah, this bitch with the fucking fertility belt, I'm going to plow her up. I also think I'd do on the Dr. Doolittle universe where I can talk to...

Wait, what? Talk to who? Talk to who? Wait, what? Where I can fucking talk to animals and shit? No, he's talking about Doctor Dolittle. I'm trying to project a more reasonable answer on him.

Tom, you would be... The Doctor Dolittle universe. Do you mean any zoo? Doctor Dolittle. Well, you're talking to animals. Yeah, man. That's not a dystopia, you idiot. That's whimsical.

I would do best in the Klump universe. What the fuck are you talking about? The Klump universe Oh that's right Eddie Murphy was in the remake Yeah It was a white guy a British white dude in the original They had an intermission in the movie I would do well in the Norbit scape

Where I have to date a Gigantic high maintenance black woman Who's also me I think that would be great. I would thrive in Big Mama's dimension. You fucking dumbest thing you've ever done. The dumbest thing.

The Dr. Dolittle dystopian universe. There's no surrounding world. It's just Dr. Dolittle. It's England. England is the surrounding world. Same with Dr. Dolittle. You could easily say it's a dystopia. Alright. Don't try to backdoor this.

I'm the ruler of Wild Thornberry. Oh my god. Also do well in The Simpsons. No, no. There's that whole episode where he's being chased by shapes though, isn't he? When he goes 3D. Oh shit. No, you, there's that whole episode where he's being chased by shapes, though, isn't he? In the treehouse of Homer.

When he goes 3D? Oh, yeah. Oh, shit. No, you would not do well there, Tom. Oh, my God. Homer also loses the shapes. Yeah, yet again, Tom says a sentence where every word is wrong. Oh, that is a perfect, that is a Tom Goss bingo.

We should have some kind of award every time that happens. Did someone make a bingo? Yeah, Kelly Velasquez did make a bingo. We've got to look into that. I tweeted it out, but it's only three squares. I'll make a bigger one someday. Hand, minute, and tail for me, by the way, because I'm a man. Oh, yeah.

Good answer, Codeball. Mine is like any slow zombie scenario, like a Romero zombie world, because that's all about just being able to manipulate a group of people. Slower than you? Dude, Keith. Wow. About $100 they donated. Sorry to feel real planned. I didn't ask you to no exactly that's the whole point

if keith want if keith wanted to he could be a tremendous piece of shit oh man i have i have abilities oh yeah dude you're you're fucking you're i am the magnum you got like in a ride in a free pack of smokes like you really have like a like a weird kind of like gutter jedi mind trick it's like a mickey rourke and charm where i'm so gross this is exactly how harvey weinstein started i think you better be careful because i got stories keith harrison jr writes i was recently bit on the face by a dog, how do I get revenge? Bite the dog on the dick. What kind of dog?

It doesn't say. A hungry one? Oh yeah, it was a straight jacket from felony fights? Yeah, yeah. Bite the owner of the dog. It was just his black friend. Wait, what? Nah, nah, not dog. A black lap? Black friend. Black friend is what I said. I'm going to commit to this.

Well, we're really sticking to this one. And what you're saying here, Cody, is black people are dogs. No, that's what he's saying. Sometimes dogs have chops. You guys, you can't just misspeak and call it satire. That's really fucking up our whole operation here. I was going for more of like an American Idol kind of like dog, you know? Oh, okay.

What? Okay, that one was a stretcher time. Anyway, what is... Okay, look, we got to get... We are going to dig out of this fucking comedy K-hole that we've fallen into. We don't have enough black fans to dig out of. That joke was a little pitchy.

I don't give a fuck, dude. Don't be friends with that dog anymore. Yeah, stop hanging out with dogs that bite. Yeah, I guess if you can't... Well, dude don't go don't be friends with that dog anymore yeah stop hanging out with dogs that bite poor dog well it doesn't have any memory

so you can't get revenge on a dog you could kill the dog or make it's life worse but you're really just gonna bum out the person who bought the dog

that's really all for you I feel like revenge is for the person getting it though so just call animal control it's a fucking animal it's supposed to bite

things it doesn't like why are you a dick to the dog it's not supposed to be in captivity I don like. Why are you a dick to the dog? It's not supposed to be in captivity. I don't know. It's to fucking sue the owner and so you got fucking nose rabies. Nose rabies. Yeah, just fucking shoving Alka-Seltzer up your

fucking nostril and then going... Snout. Yeah. We need more context of this story. Yeah. Tom. Tom is very qualified to dismiss entire groups of people and their gender identity but I gotta hear all the facts if I'm gonna tell you how to get angry at a dog

yeah Horacio Von Zipper writes what non-cryptocurrency investment opportunities do you know of that are available to the average person I have no idea patreon.com slash mean boys that's about it it pays dividends.

You get to be on the best episode of this show. You do, yeah. Original Bitcoin was just stocks. You could invest in stocks. Yeah. I don't know how it works. I fucked up. I invested in stocky people,

and I really thought that would be more lucrative. Steve, just Steve, writes, I'm at a point where other people's joy and happiness makes me irrationally angry and annoyed. What do I do next? Did he just describe Schadenfreude? No, that's like the opposite. Oh, okay.

Schadenfreude is like when somebody's misery makes you super sad. Oh, yeah. Well, I understand waking up and the sun is too bright and everything's too loud and happy, and you're just like... I get that, too. Find your own happiness.

Bite a dog. You try masturbating more. Masturbating more if you're okay with people being happy while you masturbate yeah it's kind of like you gotta watch people be happy it's like one person be happy one person be really not necessarily it's like taking an aspirin for your soul not if you're watching scorn porn what which is no i just like bds is uh is that what it's called no actually how do you not call it scornography? I just realized I got that from a previous new name.

Scornborn? Yeah. Oh, shit. It was from a... I forget his name, but... One of your other guests. He just riffed with a reference to the show you're on. Yep. The snake has eaten its tail. Reception. Got it. Yeah. What was the question? He gets

mad when other people are happy. Oh, yeah. Dude, I get that all the time. You start a podcast and just yell about it. Yeah. And then people send you tweets like these and you don't have to feel alone anymore. But you have to spend $5,000 to start it. How about run for president?

Do that. I feel you, bro. Russ Winters writes, hey, you guys are great. Come to Pittsburgh. We are. I can even offer you beds over couches. We'll take the couches. We don't deserve beds.

I'll be honest. This will be my first time going to the East Coast besides Florida, but that's really its own world. Alexis Filth is going to make another Mean Boys recipe. This one will be soup-based. Oh, hell yeah. There we go. Soup wars. Soup wars.

We got a lot of response to Soupgate. Tao, the interdimensional waker, wants to know, what's Cody's opinion on soup? No one said that. That is a tweet we got from Mighty Scrublord, a long-time listener. I don't understand our fan base. My opinion on soup? It's fine. It depends on the soup.

You can't just ask me my opinion on people. Like, some soups are dope. Well, Connor took a hard line stance against all soup. Well, I mean, to handle people. Again, and here's what you people, here's what you fucking idiots don't understand. I'm not trying to interfere with your right to enjoy soup.

All right? Yeah, I'm sure that's in Latin in the Constitution somewhere. Fucking life, liberty, and bisque. But hey, I don't want to try it. How would you not get on

with the soup of happiness? I don't want... Something about the idea of thick, creamy, savory textures coating my throat upsets me. And you know what? I'm a little turned on. Not all soup is creamy, though.

Some of it is like... You water any of it. I don't like the... It just seems... I think I would throw up if I had to eat more than like three bites of soup. I think I was using...

But I'm just saying. Can we announce that our $2,000 Patreon goal is you will eat soup yeah it is yeah i will for two thousand dollars serious we're gonna update the site asap yeah i will eat soup i almost made some pozole before i came here brought it here just to have you eat it there's always sucks though that well it depends on who you are you just mexicans like it is that like a bread pasta what the fuck is pozole it's like mexican or no I'm thinking of Menudo. These buddies with gynacool. It's like a stew. As far as soups go, it's like a stew.

It's a lot of meat. And listen, guys. I'll just pull this trick on you, and I'll just tell you what I'm going to do. I'm just going to continue to be outraged about the whole soup thing and yell about it and over-exaggerate. And then at some point, that $2,000 is going to be mine. And who really won here? Not ours. it's yours now the good folks of the campbell corporation for all this free advertising that a bunch of swedish businessmen confusedly purchase every month

campbell we're giving you some grade a badass bamf motherfucker soup all right i don't know i've never seen tom only we're going chowder my dude tom only gets passionate about physical combat or like soup or gumbo. He's like, we'll get you some grade A Louisiana fucking. We'll get you a bread bowl full of lobster bisque. Soup is like a play. You're going to have a soup thicker than a sandwich, boy. I'll tell you that.

You're right, though. Nope. Chowder. That's the answer. I just got back from Francisco. Chowder is the grossest sounding soup to me. I understand. I will let listeners vote on what kind of soup I will eat.

What about French onion? That comes with bread with melted cheese on top. I would love that bread. I'd maybe even dip the bread in the soup and use it. I'm not averse to sauces, as you know. But soups are bridged too far somehow. It's red and it's delicious. Does this make any sense?

Absolutely not. Am I autistic? Certainly. Would you eat it in a boat? Sorry, Dad's taking the wheel back. we're not doing this for another 20 minutes. There's nothing much more to say. And yet we found a way. This came up independently of this podcast with my girlfriend and her sisters.

Wait, it happened again? No, they were talking about it. And she was just like, let me make a list of foods you eat. Because I just literally don't know. And I told her whatever. And her sisters were like, what about soup? And she was like like, let me make a list of foods you eat, because I just literally don't know. And I told her whatever. And her sisters were like, what about soup? And she was like, here we go.

It's like that uncle you don't mention Israel around. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's a good guy. It's one thing. Look, I'm not saying they didn't deserve a homeland after the Holocaust, but it's creamy. It's savory. I don't know. There's chunks in it. I can't predict the chunks.

I can't chew water. I might bite my own teeth. What if I cut my gums and get soup in there, and I get some kind of long-lasting soup high, and it's in my spinal cord? Also, matzo ball soup. That's a soup. Yeah, there's a lot of different kinds of soup, Cody. We could do this for a while.

Yeah, there's fucking soup cocktails, chicken noodle soup, chicken noodle soup for the soul, bread bowl soup, regular bowl soup, soup in a cup. You also are terrified of noodles, so we can't do any of the chicken noodles. I'm not terrified of noodles, Tom. I'm afraid of inflammation, you're afraid of noodles, Keith's afraid of steering wheels.

We all have our fears. It's like homophobia. You're not afraid of gay people, you just hate them. I'm not super phobic. Do me, Tom. What am I afraid of, Tom? I don't know. Hats? It would cover this beautiful head of hair. Punch lines, exercise, pussy. There's a lot of...

Alright, Grant. You look like a fear of success kind of guy. I'll come back and I'll get my exercise riding circles around you, okay? Oh, man. What a non-convincing sentence that was. No, it wasn't. I have little confidence in it.

I have great confidence you will not be coming back. I got 100 more bucks. It's one time only if you read the fine print. I did. I read it very carefully. You know what that means? You got to donate again. You got to assume a fake identity and come bomb in a mustache.

I'm Sody Carvis. Grant Baxter wants to know, what subreddits does Connor like? I'm going to be honest with you. Reddit is mostly something I use for Dragon Ball Super speculation. And for that, it is a wonderful tool. But I'll just go over here. Connor explained

Reddit to me. I like Bikini Bottom Twitter. It has a lot of good Spongebob memes. tool but i'll just go over here um connor explained reddit to me and i like uh useful i i like bikini bottom twitter has a lot of good uh spongebob memes i like uh corporate facepalm is good uh late stage capitalism is one of my favorite ones did you switch over to a tab to read these offers i did yeah i'm just looking through them to see like because then it's just like shit that i'm interested in that is not like a particularly good subreddit on its own. These sound like lotions and boring movies.

Morbid reality is good for mean boys news. That's a lotion. Yeah. Juergens, morbid reality. I'm on a... Life is pain. Slash art. I'm on a neoliberal meme page.

That one's pretty funny. Oh, God. I like Outrun, where they just post cool pictures of shit that looks like it's from Tron. For sure. Dragons fucking cars. What? Dragons fucking cars. You guys haven't seen that?

I like starter packs. That is a thing. Our starter packs. Is dragons fucking cars exactly what I think it is? It is pictures of dragons fucking cars. I go on our stand-up to read people's bullshit, dog-tarded opinions. Bad movie? Star Trek.

I talk about Star Trek on Star Trek Reddit. Really bad movie? It's a good TV show, though. Every other movie is a bad movie. And then I just use the news. Unnecessary coverage. Nah, that one kind of sucks. Yeah, that's about it.

So those are the ones I like. Is there a soup sub on Reddit? My favorite right now is probably Late Stage Capitalism. There's definitely a soup sub Reddit, but it'll be very triggering to me, and I don't want to become enraged. We're going to alert them to this. There's probably an anti-soup subreddit if you want to get on that. Someone photoshopped my face onto the soup Nazi, which is kind of funny,

and I'm making the dumbest possible face. Someone says they almost prefer my flu-ridden voice. Thank you. Yeah, you were all like sexy Yeah I am very sultry Alright we'll go over to the voicemails now We'll split these up Leave a couple for the episode we're recording tomorrow

I just realized what the difference between me And every other guest you have besides you know fame Is I actually listen to the show Yeah That is true you are one of the rare ones Yeah it is true Does anyone We've had a few people listen to the show Yeah That is true. You are one of the rare ones. Yeah, it is true. I don't know. Does anyone?

Who's the? Yeah, we had a few people listen to the show. Yeah. Dave Cyrus listens. Yeah. Okay. Hi, Dave. Hang on.

Voice mail. Hey, mean boys. What's up? I just want to thank you for having that episode on Thursday because I've been in the hospital all week with pancreatitis. Oh, no. So I guess my question is for Tom. Oh, no. Oh, yeah.

Is this ever going to end, man? Oh, my God. I don't have anything clever to say so fuck everything god is dead love you guys thanks for the laughs oh that was a very sweet voice oh man fucking we love you man i'm sorry you're uh i'm sorry you're hurt i know how much that sucks i'm glad we could keep you company a little bit yeah man i fucking i mean on Patreon yet? There's so much more mean boys. How great would it be?

So your advice is to cover it as a thing to fucking shield. They're like, well, you know, I know it's tough while you're in recovery.

What you can do is laugh it up with us in 28 hours of bonus content. Because you can't have beer anymore doesn't mean you don't need a mean boys beer cootie.

No, Tommy. Yeah, man. I mean, usually people who say this are fucking pandering assholes, but I feel your pain, and I mean it. It fucking hurts. Tom turned a visor sideways

when he said it. I feel your pain. Yeah, he's sitting reverse in a metal chair, so you know he's serious. You're probably out of the hospital by the time you hear this, but fucking, it does go away, you know, but fucking it does go away. But whatever you do – and this is like serious advice. Fucking it's not worth drinking again and also fucking don't get hooked on the painkillers they give you because they are fucking addictive.

Yeah, that's some solid-ass advice. Yeah, man. They don't fucking – they're not going to – they usually don't give you enough of a warning. But, you know. Yeah. But, yeah, man, I'm really sorry to hear that. I feel like I'm way more sincere now than I was with a guy who had, like, a spine problem. There's nothing more reductive than calling MS a spine problem.

Yeah. We were literally talking about this, like, off the air. Cody has a spine problem. He's not standing up for himself. We're walking all over you, kid. You fucking nerd. And tweet at me, dude. And I'll fucking...

Yeah, let me know. I don't know who you are, but you tweeted. I like that you said it's not worth drinking. And we were just talking about how you could get whiskey into your body again. Yeah, we were debating off air if there's such a thing as non-alcoholic whiskey. Have we thought about this? Have we thought about this? Maybe just spit.

If you like the taste of whiskey. Whiskey's delicious. Yeah, we're just going to have a homeless person piss in your mouth. Is that a patriarchal? That's the soup we're giving. Yeah, oh dude. Yeah, you guys. Come on, we've got to beat Richard Spencer.

If you want me to try new food, I need a thousand more dollars. I'm really monetizing my fucking childishness. This is like if Ayn Rand wrote Green Eggs and Ham. You do not like them. You are poor. I would not could not, but for a price. It was great meeting Connor and Keith in Austin a few months ago. Thanks for the barbecue. It was really funny Connor and Keith in Austin a few months ago. Thanks for the barbecue.

It was really funny to see how surprised your guys' reactions were when I said that I was a fan of the podcast. So I guess I must be doing something right. Anyway, my question is, if you guys decided that you wanted to fake your own death, whether it was to abandon your family or start a new life in a new country, how would you do it and why? All right. Thanks, guys. Well, I don't have the why, but...

Oh, I thought about it. Love bombs. Wait. I think he's saying he would fake his own death by... Like Carmel? By telling a joke. Yeah. Hot shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot.

Womp, womp, womp, womp, womp, womp, womp. Tom, my mom's dead. Yeah, well, I used to think about when I counted the money at Ross, I was like, it was like $12,000 today. What if I just walk out the front door and go to Mexico? And I realized that was the whole plan. Yeah, I don't know. I do kind of like, if you guys all died and my girlfriend died, my mom died, and anybody would even care that I had faked my own death.

Yeah, if I had some kind of podcasting listenership that I could bamboozle, I might just disappear for a year and do a Jesse Michaels Buddhist monastery stay and then just be like, oh yeah, I'm actually alive. Yeah, you don't have to fake your own death. You can just go somewhere and not talk to people. It's more fun if

it's a ruse. That's true. What is the most effective way to fake a death? Like, probably an explosion, honestly. Yeah, you want to get rid of all those dental records, whatever. Yeah, you want something where there's, like, pretty much guaranteed to be no remains. Yeah. What I would do is I would probably fake my own death, but I would pin it on Tom. I feel like that's the most

Don't kid about that. I'm very easy to frame. You're very easy to frame. Yeah, I'm rectangular. Hey, Tom, I'm just going to this This coffee mug here with your fingerprints on it Oh your DNA is getting harvested fam It's funny cause I can tell when Tom is like doing a bit But also kinda serious No that's like one of my biggest paranoias

Is someone's gonna frame me for something Yeah you were smoking a cigarette outside were you? Who and why? You in prison and you look out the window and there's just three little claymation creatures. You know what's fucked up about Tom is like, Tom, you know... You can't rape me. You're not made out of clay.

I just realized... For all Tom's mental health problems, he is also the person that the most absurd things happen to. So he has to just be like, am I crazy or did a pelican just take my keys? The universe is just like, let's see if you can

fucking deal with this. Every person gets only X amount of weirdness and whenever there's a remainder, they just throw it at me and my life. You're like the Superman 3, like extra penny account of madness. I am, like, picturing Gumby trying to frame you now.

We got a really long-ass voicemail about hemorrhoids. Do we want to do that one or save it? Let's save that one. Okay. Do we have any other ones? We do. I want to keep a couple for the other show. Yeah, we'll just leave. The other ones are short, and this episode's been long as hell anyway. We got one more question via email from old listener Alex Yorchak. Thank you for checking in, buddy. I's been long as hell anyway. We got one more question via email from old listener Alex

Yorchak. Thank you for checking in, buddy. I've been listening since episode one. Day one, listen to my episodes multiple times because I use the show as background noise while I work. Thank you. So my question is, which platform should I be listening to the show on? I listen on SoundCloud, Apple Podcasts, on your website, but I'm not consistent. Do you get any benefit at all from me listening to the show on one platform versus the other?

Not at all. And the second, yeah, it doesn't matter. Whatever. It's more speed. Well, that doesn't help on iTunes if more people listen through that to boost our ratings? No, it's always on the other side. We should definitely insert some air horns here to get our attention. Yeah. Second question, and I think this is kind of interesting. When I start to tell my friends about the show, I find myself having a hard time describing it so that it doesn't scare them away.

People always ask me what I'm listening to, and I kind of wish I had an elevator pitch for Mean Boys. If you had to pitch the show in 30 seconds or less to a somewhat normal person, i.e. not someone going to jail for strangulation or someone making sexual advances at Connor, how would you pitch it? Well, that's Cody, because Cody's not on the show. Didn't I just pitch it to you somehow? I gave you my iTunes review. I don't have iTunes, so I just had to text to you manually. Not understanding the point of an iTunes review.

It's just called a text. Well, I liked Anne Rand in Green Eggs and Ham. That was pretty good of this show. Okay. I don't like that. What do we got? Replace it, Tom. We've tried to do this for other shit before.

Like Morning Z Radio for people that hate Morning Z Radio. Jimmy Fallon meets the Dead Kennedys. No, it's Late Night with Conan O'Brien meets the Dead Kennedys. Okay. The way I pitched it to my sister... A very, very, very white Chappelle show. The way I pitched it to my sister was because she's like woke or whatever.

And I told her it's the least progressive show for very progressive people. Honestly, that's not terrible. Yeah, there's a bit of that. Well, because it's just like Alexis Filth is just a pro-gun, non-binary person. We just want to fuck around

and we don't really care what you are. It's irreverence. I don't know. I hate this guy. I feel like a douche where I'm like, well, what we do is we make a souffle of our jokes. Cut it with the knife of Occam's razor. Comedy soup garnished with just a sous-sant of ironic jokes. Cut it with the knife of Occam's razor. Comedy soup garnished with just a

sous-sant of ironic racism. It is everything and nothing. I don't know if this helps, but I will tell you, I do play this podcast for every first date I've ever been on. Really? I'm just picturing you with a boombox outside the window. That's why your hands...

Shoulder pants? We're in a car. That's why your hands are My big giant comes to the window! Shoulder pants! We're in a car. That's why your hands are so furry. Okay. It's more we're in a car and we're driving somewhere and then the child's

safety locks go on and I'm like, I got something to play for you. Jesus fuck. You ever heard a little song called Gooten Days?

It kind of weeds them out, you know what I mean? I am the fudge lord. Yeah, I can imagine. No, the weak drop off fast. The friend zone is irrelevant. Mean Boys is life. Mean Boys is pure.

I am the fudge lord. And you're like, yeah, this guy. What the fuck, man? I'm not affiliated. Oh, man, but now you can play this. Nope, never play this episode. No, you gotta play this episode. No.

This episode's great, and you're going to crush so much. You know what this is like? This is like on porn sites when they do Fuck a Fan, where it's like, wow, Sarah J. is getting dicked down by a homeless dude who jerks off to her Bang Bros preview clips. At the library. I tend to date progressive people, and I've said like six very non-progressive things.

So I feel like you're going to be fine, man. You guys, we're all kidding. Oh, you think you cock-blocked yourself with that incredibly racist remark you made? No, I'm kidding. Wait, which one? We good? What's up? Are we done?

Do we have any more emails? I don't know. Yeah, well, yeah. I was trying to wrap it up, but I didn't want to stifle the conversation. Yeah, we're going to save some shit for tomorrow's episode, but yeah. Connor, do I just send my sketches to you? You can send them to the garbage. Kara, I'm not going to have them.

Did you write sketches? Yeah. Keith didn't tell you? Oh, you sent me sketches before. Yeah? Yeah, you sent me the Willy Wonka one. We did one, didn't we? Nope.

No. And then you sent me that NFL one, but then Tom did a very similar one. Yeah, Tom stole my sketches. You guys, I'm headlining the Ontario Improv March. I'm sorry, Cody. I was just doing a dick move. Yeah, we'll look at it. We'll figure it out.

We should look at him. I looked at him. Let's go get him. I got to walk over to the fridge really quick. You're all in a magnet. Cody, thank you so over to the fridge really quick. You're all in a magnet. Cody, thank you so much. I'm supporting you. You're great.

You took your role as a punching bag quite well. I've never done that before. No one's ever used me as a punching bag in my life. Dates, right? Yeah. Okay, I'll be... First dates. Tonight, I will be at the Rec Room in Huntington Beach doing a set. Tuesday night, the night this is released. So come on out and see me. Yeah. Okay, I'll be... First dates, first dates. Tonight, I will be at the Rec Room in Huntington Beach doing a set.

Tuesday night, the night this is released. So come on out and see me. Yeah. I'm handling the Ontario Improv on March 20th. Doing the Gateway Show in LA at Echoes on Pico. March 17th. That'll be a lot of fun. At Flapper's Burbank, March 23rd and 24th.

And from the 25th through the 27th, I'll be up in the Central Valley doing a bunch of shows. I haven't been back there in a while, so please go check my Facebook and everything else for more details on that. February 27th, Rock Mortar Theater in Mill Valley. That's going to be a great show. And, of course, February 23rd and 24th, headlining, Comedy Off Main Street in Glendale, Arizona. Fun Club

did a live Mean Boys there, spray painted a guy's t-shirt and he drove it across the country to his girlfriend. That was very sweet. On some Oklahoma dates, I'm coming back, bitches. February 8th on the shrine in tulsa february 9th oklahoma music hall of fame in muskogee i think and on february 10th something in a place called sand springs and i'm gonna kill a bunch of uh muslim people just as a tuscan raider tribute you know can i just say we have done combined so many shows in Oklahoma for the least amount of mean voice. Do we have any fans in fucking Oklahoma?

We just got an email, a voicemail from a dude that said, Hey, yeah, you guys need to come back to Miami because even though you guys are macking chaps, you guys are pretty funny sometimes. He just hit a spittoon real hard. February 13th, I'll be at the Rec Room in Huntington Beach. February 15th, I will be at the Good Night in North Hollywood. February 20th, I will be doing stand-up at the Comedy Store before Rose Battle in the Belly Room. And March 15th through 17th, St. Patrick's Day weekend, I will be headlining some shows down in San Diego.

I will have more information on venues and all that jazz for that very, very soon. Yeah, we're going to be following you on that because you'll probably get a bunch of weirdos. Oh, yeah, you guys can follow me at CKSarvis on Twitter. Yeah, tonight I think I'm going to be in Costa Mesa with a good girl's apartment, maybe doing some butt stuff. You did send me a great text the other day where you were like...

That was this morning. I was really high last night, so I lost track of time. But yeah, you sent me a text where you were like, yeah, every girl I'm seeing wanted to do anal all in the same week. It's like the period synced up. Is that a book spot, or can you sign up for that? Is it lottery or list? You've got to get drawn out of the bucket to get back into the bucket.

All right. Ass riffs. Oh, I'm back from the bathroom. Fuck everything. God is dead.