Mean Boys - EP 106 - That Is Why (feat. Brett Erickson)

Episode Date: January 24, 2018

Support the show on Patreon: www.patreon.com/meanboys This week’s segments include “Mexican Joke Off”, “DNA Test", “Tide Pods”, "Our Worst Sketch Ever Part II" and a game of "Which of the Following" with political scandals by @deathtothefilth. Get on the email list and fill out our 2018 tour survey to help us plan our big dumb adventure: goo.gl/forms/DKxdxTPtzebqYFPG3 Subscribe to our YouTube channel: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC0hvkj7TOPzMdJbKIh1L_hw Shop Sudio headphones and use promo code "MEANBOYS15" for 15% off all purchases: goo.gl/JWBAJK Contribute to the Mean Boys wiki: mean-boys.wikia.com/wiki/Mean_Boys_Wiki Send us an email at [e-mail] or leave us a voicemail at [phone] We are proudly sponsored by Don Carlo's Taco Shop in La Jolla California (www.eataburrito.com) Follow our guest Brett Erickson on Twitter: twitter.com/iBrettMyPants Follow the show on Twitter: twitter.com/meanboyspodcast Follow Keith on Twitter: twitter.com/keithtellsjokes Follow Connor on Twitter: twitter.com/connormcspadden Follow Tom on Twitter: twitter.com/gossgoss6 Visit us on the web: www.meanboyspodcast.com Like us on Facebook: www.facebook.com/meanboyspodcast Follow us on Instagram: instagram.com/meanboyspodcast Follow us on Soundcloud: @meanboyspodcast Theme: I’ve Seen Footage by Death Grips (itunes.apple.com/us/album/the-mon…tore/id515449028) Buy Keith’s album (itunes.apple.com/us/album/forever-nap/id1105182043) Podcast logo by Luis Galvez: twitter.com/luiagal connor mcspaddenkeith careytom gossmean boyscody Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey everybody, it's the Mean Boys Podcast. What's up guys? What's up? Got a new show today with Brett Erickson joining us in the studio. Very funny guy. Check out his website, brettbart.com. Nice chap. We've known him for a while.

Glad to get him in the studio. Yeah, this is a good one. We've been trying to get this dude for a minute. Thanks for fucking listening. We love you. Thank you for telling your pals about the show. If you haven't, put in a good word for the Mean Boys. And also, please leave us a review

on iTunes. That really helps us out a bunch. Just makes us look legitimate. This dude from Australia named William Mania, I think, wrote wonderful. William Mania's gonna run wild on you, brother. He wrote wonderful and wholesome fun for the whole family. And Emma

Emu War Veteran, also Emma, emu war veteran, also from, believe it or not, Australia, wrote, an edgy teen's wet dream. Honestly, the funniest podcast

I've ever heard. If you guys ever make it out to Australia, I'll definitely be there, but I won't tell my girlfriend. If she knew that I listened to this at work, she would leave me

in a heartbeat. Nice. I'm glad to be fucking driving wedges through Australian relationships. Yeah, you don't have to fuck them to be a homebreaker on the Mean Boys podcast.

I have nothing. Homebreaker. Yeah, you know, and so is Rosalinda. They're a homebreaker. You're a homebreaker. Homewrecker. Homewrecker. There you go, champ.

Very good. The other word. For more gems like that, subscribe on Patreon. Five bucks a month gets you weekly bonus content. Ten bucks a month gets you a little goodie delivered to your door. There's a bunch of other fun prize tiers. Help us create this firewall against anyone in the entertainment industry giving a shit about our lives so we can continue to buy food stamps, meals, and live in this shack.

We appreciate it. Ah, tight. We're going on tour as well. Fill out our email list, Google Doc thingamajig in the Twitter bio. Let us know what city you're in. Dates are being locked in right now. Those will be announced pretty soon. So keep an eye out for that.

If you're on the email list, you'll be the first to know and be able to get tickets. It's going to be a lot of fun. We'll see all you guys out there. Other than that, fucking enjoy this week's episode with Brett Erickson. It's better than we're sleeping. Yeah. Hey everybody, welcome to the Mean Boys Podcast. Every day we stray further from God's love and he's not even real.

I'm Connor McSpadden. I'm Keith Carey. I'm Tom Goss. And I'm... The hunchback of the gas station. Alright. You do kind of look like a Chevron Igor a little bit. I'll take it.

Like if they rang bells at the Arco, there would be a job for you, day one. And then I scurry out and wash your windshield. Brett has like the swag of a guy who's doing really well after the divorce. Ooh, that's very accurate. That's accurate. Are you divorced? I am divorced. Our bad.

I apologize on behalf of my fat gay sidekick. Being divorced is fine. That's how it works. A lot of people are divorced. I couldn't even tell you were divorced. I have... I couldn't even tell. That's like saying, like, I didn't even know you were divorced. I couldn't even tell. That's like saying, I didn't even know you were Asian.

What are you talking about? My sweatsuit doesn't give it away that I'm wearing. Ooh, that is a divorced ass. Divorced sweat jacket. You should start a line of clothing just for divorced men. Just like disposable sweatpants that come in a roll like toilet paper. Alone by Tommy Bahama. You can just bleed in them and get your Hungry Man TV dinners all over them.

Brett Erickson joins us in the studio guys. Hi guys. Very happy to have you on. It's a thrill to be here. How would you describe your surroundings Brett?

This is really it's nice I've done a lot of podcasts in Los Angeles it's nice to finally come to a real something that's got that real LA feel to it you know. It means it's dirty. It's dirty here finally come to a real LA vibe. Something that's got that real LA feel to it.

It means it's dirty. It's dirty here. This is real LA. I just heard him walking in and going, it smells like fried food. It does. Oh, you're not wrong. It always does.

A real LA vibe would be as if we're all eating cucumber slices off of a naked sex slave that was shipped here in a container to be used as a plate by businessmen. Spoiling the middle segment. But al alas let's lead up to that yeah yeah all right guys uh we're all fired up let's uh let's get into this shit let's get into the mexican joke off all right guys i'll take us away this week uh number of suicides in japan has declined for an eighth straight year in a related story our our upcoming Asian tour has been postponed indefinitely. Do you think they just start

killing themselves so they wouldn't end up in a Logan Paul video? That would be pretty cool. That's the worst thing that can happen. Yeah, we gotta find a hole in the... He literally gentrified a traditional suicide forest. Yeah. Okay. You made a noise like you were about to say something. I just, I think it's interesting that

Japan, there's so much suicide, but all the other Asians are cool with not killing themselves. And I'm just always just throwing out an interesting... I had no direction. Where are your facts coming from here? The air. Yeah, pretty much.

Tom saw a happy Korean six years ago, and then he was just like, well, all the Koreans are just happy-go-lucky. I had a Korean movie. You don't hear anything out of half of Korea. Yeah. There's lots of people killing themselves in northern Korea. It's just press releases where it's like, yeah, they're already on Mars.

I didn't even know. Yeah. I don't think anyone was really upset that Logan Paul showed a dead body. I think people just hate that he's made so much money with so much less talent than we all think we have. As the Echo Park embassy of the Logang, I do take umbrage with this statement, Brett. We are big fans of Mr.

Paul, and we wish him a speedy return to YouTube. Then good. We've also challenged his midget friend to a fight. Well, yeah, we figured he's got two roommates. We've got three of us, so he's got Logan Logan Paul who's kind of jacked. He's got like a schlubby friend and then a midget. So Keith has to fight the midget.

That's an equal fight in combat. He's exactly as fit and capable as a midget. Are you going to end up fighting Logan Paul? You would think so. But Tom is combat trained. He's deceptively strong. So you fight the midget. Yeah, he's a big meat refrigerator.

So he's going gonna take on Logan I don't need it I just store it What if we get there and then we just All beat up the midget That would be Out of our way other guys What would be great is if of the three battles Connor's the one who lost

He's like holy fuck this midget's all over me He can fucking spy along It's crawling all over me I You can fucking spy along. Yeah, just can't get it off of him. It's crawling all over me. I feel like I'm withdrawing from heroin, but it's... My favorite thing is that you called the midget it. Well, I mean, in the heat of battle, what am I going to say? Use the proper midget pronoun, which is Tai-shi or Tai-hi or something. I don't know.

Sorry I'm not woke while I'm beating up this half person. Little P. Yeah, Brett said the funniest fucking thing to Tom when he walked in. I want to just share with the listeners. He was like, oh, yeah, we've not met, but I know of you from your antics. Which I didn't think was... I thought that...

I was complimented. Yeah, some of your escapades have spread. He didn't recognize... Oh, you're the retard with the fat and the half gay guy. You know, like, that was not the intro. I was like, oh, he... Oh, yeah, you're Connor's pet.

Because that usually is how it goes. You're their big midget. Yeah. When I did Morning Radio, we had a guy, the producer of the, the traditional producer role where we just abused him, you know?

Yeah, yeah. And it's like, all right, you're that guy here. Yeah, I used to have a sound board. Except without technical competence. Yeah. My inability to use any sound effect besides Correctamundo by Samuel L. Jackson. I feel like if we asked Tom to edit the show, he'd be like,

okay, how do I do that on one of those spinny wheels that tells you what noises the animals make? Tom, you're not fired from the soundboard. We forced you to resign under duress. The cow says podcast. What is your idea of Tom? Just as a guy. Oh, I thought you were asking me. Oh, no.

This is getting... We don't have that kind of time. But Brett, just from your awareness of him tangentially, your mutual friends. He seems like a Pixar drawing that's gone wrong. Off the reservation. A Pixar character that's gone rogue. A corrupted file of Wreck-It Ralph where we can only kind of identify. Yeah. off the reservation a Pixar character that's gone broke a corrupted file

of Wreck-It Ralph where we're just like we can only kind of identify yeah very cartoony but also very real and dirty

yeah Tom is kind of a real life cartoon not in a sexy way dirty and I say you're a cartoon not to insult you but mostly because you got chased by a mouse

with a hammer that one time hey that was a skunk and thatunk, and that was twice, and that was real. Alright, Keith. During mating season. Women in Saudi Arabia are finally legally allowed to drive.

Local authorities are bracing for a 12,000% increase in traffic accidents. Hey. That would have done great on Brett's morning radio show in Peoria, Illinois. They're not getting better than that. Yeah, mine are not great today. The screeching halt car crash sound effect at the end of that

would have sold it. Then you throw it right to the traffic right into it. That classic Saudi Arabian song. Can you hand me my bag that's over there, Connor? Can you see it over there? That thing. I wasn't exactly sure how this worked.

I thought you were going to... Oh, we should have prepped you at all. I'm one of the people that supports your podcast by never listening to it. And I do appreciate it. And it's because I don't listen to any podcasts. But I know of yours.

When Connor asked me to be on, he's explaining to me what it was yours you know like when when connor asked me to be on he's like explaining to me what it was i'm like i've never listened to it but i do know what it is i remember when joe dosh was doing that with you guys yeah oh joe dosh i haven't heard that name in years two weeks in a row for that joke yeah uh i really i really thought that little briefcase was there just to like blow us up like valkyrie style. Wait, so if you don't know me from the podcast, is it our mutual friend Keith? No, and also the antics of the podcast are part of social media, and then I'm a part of that. So you're just like, oh, you get hit by dominatrix. I like and I retweet and I share.

Oh, thanks. Because I know it's good. Brett is very generous. Oh, man, definitely keep not listening. But it's really good. It's perfect, right? Yeah. I'm a perfect fan.

Yeah, thank you for signal boosting, whatever this is. What if we were just like straight up Nazis and you didn't know until right now? Your headphones good? Yeah, I think so. Okay, yeah, mine are cut now. My headphones are good. All right, Brett. All right.

So I have to put my... I'm old enough to have reading glasses. Yeah, it really looks like you're about to give a lecture now. It's exciting. That's usually how well-received these jokes are. If your kid dies from eating a Tide Pod, your community dodged a bullet. Yeah.

I mean, sure, it's sad for you. Your kid died. Yeah. But everybody else is like, wow. That kid wasn't doing anything good for anyone. I mean sure It's sad for you Your kid died Yeah But everybody else Is like That kid wasn't Doing anything good For anyone

No Yeah just every time Next time you're at a red light And you're like Wow I really zipped through that You know Oh the traffic's Moving along today

Thank you Tide Pods No future president Is eating a Tide Pod I'm just waiting For a PSA Is like Is your kid eating soap Because it's the same

Color as candy Well maybe he should be fucking dead. Well, yeah, that's like the new like, you know, like Obama put out this memoir and he's like, yeah, I did a little coke in high school, you know, and now it's just going to be like, yeah, no, look, I released this podcast where I talked about eating a Tide Pod in preparation for

my Senate campaign. Like the kind of dirt that millennial candidates for public office is going to have is going to be hilarious. I ate it, but I didn't swallow it. Which is the truth, by the way. This whole thing's a hoax, right? I mean, I'm old, and I don't know how things work, but this smacks of

kids jerking their parents' chain to me. As someone who's read the news all day, there are a lot of people that have eaten Tide Pods. Yeah, and been hospitalized and stuff. I don't know know if anyone's died i thought about eating one on stage because they tried to get me to do it in arizona but i love that well i was like i'll probably be okay like i love iron guts i'll fucking live yeah the tide was like all right who do we need to convince children not to eat tide pops rob gronkowski waitkowski. Wait, what? Yeah, he did a PSA, like, don't eat Tide Pods.

Those are for laundry. Wouldn't you like to write it? Because that's the adult I would most expect to accidentally eat a Tide Pod. Exactly, yes. Yeah, him or like Peyton Manning, where he's like, I thought it was sushi, guys. I thought it was an extra life, like in a video game. I would say that of the circle of people that eat Tide Pods, Rob Gronkowski is probably one of the most respected voices. In the Tide Pod community.

In the pod eating. In the pod eating. Like, that guy does. That is Gronk. You know? So maybe we should cut back a little. Where Gronk goes, the nation follows. A Fresno man busted a five and a-a-half-foot tapeworm out of his ass.

Upon hearing this, the people of Fresno have started throwing rocks at him and calling him gay. First of all, that's very funny. Second of all, of all the verbs you could have used, how you settled on busted. Busted it out. I imagine that tapeworm came out like the Kool-Aid man. Look, I could have said pooped like a normal-ass person, but there's no joy in that.

I read this story. Apparently he just brought this five-foot tapeworm that came out of his butthole in a bag to the hospital and was like, this was in me. But he ate sushi every day and fucking froze. Yeah, I thought he took it back to the sushi restaurant. Money back, please. You can make some more sushi out of this. He throws it in the eel tank. Dude, that's going to be a delicacy on the black market is like

sausage, but the casing is just like fucking Fresno tapeworms where it's just like, yeah, there's $8,000 per sausage. It's terrible. It's going to make you cum so hard. Since the embargo on walrus pubes, I mean, this is the only aphrodisiac that creepy billionaires

have access to. Organically grown in Greg's stomach for five years. We've been feeding sushi to eight-year-old boys and getting the tapeworms out of the pure eight-year-old boys. Oh, God, that's the meal

of anus tapeworm delicacies. Bro, what eight-year-old boys are to billionaire fuck sausages, like the soil in Idaho is to potatoes. They just grow beautifully. It flourishes. The nutrients... Kindergarten gold. Alright, Tom. I literally just did a joke.

Oh, I guess I forgot, but it's funnier to say that it just didn't even register as humor. We just riffed on it for five minutes. Oh, I make one mistake on the podcast, and now I'm the fat dumb guy. I don't think so, buddy. Alright, guys. Bam Margera has been charged with two counts

of DUI. The jackass star told the arresting officers he was just working on his Ryan Dunn impression. Oh, shit. His name's Bam? Yep. Wait, what? Are you not familiar with Bam Margera? Wait, is he from the Flintstones? Did they become sentient again like that nightmare I had? Yeah.

Learn their names? There's not a lot of dialogue in those films. But Bam is one of the films that dialogue. Try not to know. I've never had to try not to know anybody. I'm very good at not knowing. I would say he is third or fourth on the hit list of Jackass. Johnny Knoxville, number one.

Steve-O, number two. He's tied with Wee Man, probably. No, Bam's above Wee Man. Bam had his own television shows. I know him as the ringer guy, the stand-up guy, and the midget guy. That is my knowledge of the... He's right. Yeah.

Okay, I like it. I'm also like, shut up. guy. That is my knowledge of the... He's right. Okay, I like it. I did tell WeMan to kill Tony that I got our internet shut down from torrenting Jackass3D. Which is 100% true. Did you see the Dr. Phil that Bam Margera was on where he's all fat and just drunk? He was looking rough right now.

Yeah, it's pretty rough. I think he's the next one to go down to those things. Yeah, I might be trying to do a little death pool trading. Congratulations to Olivia Grace for jumping into the lead in the Edgar Mortario. Yeah, she did. Who'd she get? I don't even remember. Some weird sportscaster guy.

Motherfucker. Keith Jackson? Maybe. No, he's an English soccer player. But an unimportant one. I don't know how she... It's crazy how many athletes she picked. I didn't know she knew sports.

I think she tried to play the same hustle you did. Yeah, if she's going against you guys, she probably looked at you guys like, these idiots will never pick any. I picked a fuck ton of athletes. All mine are post-punk band singers. I've got to do some training. I think I picked a bad team.

And a live team. A school shooter wounded one person in Texas. Texas' governor condemned the shooter saying, quote, you have shamed

our great state with your lousy aim. What kind of school shooting is hitting one person? Yeah, that's a... Did you bring a Derringer and just not take it out?

Yeah, that's some elementary school level shooting. Yeah, what did you use? A slingshot, you fucking amateur? I mean, yeah, the Columbine kids, I mean, they may have

had bad... They were shooting at a college level. Yeah, definitely. That had bad, they were shooting at a college level. Yeah, definitely. That AP murder. They were killing at a clock tower. Yeah, maybe in their defense,

maybe it was just a typical American kid and it was one kid that was so fat the shooter couldn't get any of the other kids. He was blocking the hallway. He was all hidden

behind the first kid. Oh, and it's Texas, too. So he's just like, oh, no, I'm full of Whataburger. It's leaking out. Put it back. And then Snorlax took one for the team. All right, you're up, buddy.

All right. Being accused of sexual harassment is the worst way to find out people think you're ugly. What? I get it. No one's accusing Brad Pitt of inappropriate judging. James Franco just got popped, though. They're getting the pretty ones. Yeah.

Yeah, but... All right, I guess you're right. I like that we all had to internally debate, is James Franco attractive? He is pretty. And here's the thing. I know I think he's attractive, but I'm still not sure. He's got that weird halfway in the middle face.

I don't even really know what he looks like off the top of my head. His face is always looking like it's droopy. Yeah, picture a rat that went to college, and you're 100% of the way there. Oh, that's totally it. Dave Frank, he's like homeless guy handsome. Yeah. Kind of the Devin Costa street urchin type vibe. Yeah, he's like a lovable scumbag.

Yeah, this mustache, this T.J. Miller mustache is real unfortunate. Oh, yeah. Every facial hair choice he makes is a pretty bad call. I was only doing that joke as a way to get into another joke I started doing that said, this is what I don't understand about the sexual harassment movement, from what I understand of the stories. I would rather be Louis C.K.'d than Aziz Ansar-ied. Yeah.

Louis lost everything, and he jerked off. He's creepy creepy blocking the door and jerking off in front of somebody. But there's a lot less dick in your mouth if you just have to watch a guy.

That girl sucked Ansari's dick. And she didn't want he like coerced her into it. Oh totally. Chased her around the apartment

until she gave in. Just with Betty Hill music in the background. Would you rather watch a bad movie or be in a bad movie? Right. Exactly right.

Do I get royalties? Yeah, that fucking... Shout out to Jay Wycott, who photoshopped Aziz Ansari's reflection in a claw machine after that article came out. That shit was too funny. Oh, that's funny. Jay's great. People are surprised at Donald Trump's fear and hatred of sharks.

They were less surprised when they found out West Side Story confused him and he just hates Puerto Ricans. I like it. What was the shark thing? I kind of missed it. It was screen capped. Yeah, you did screen cap it. A porn star that he had an affair with allegedly. Yeah, Stormy Daniels said that after they fucked, he made her watch Shark Week.

And he was just like, I hate sharks. If it was up to me, I'd kill all the sharks. That's the part. That's not even what I was referencing. No, he tweeted some shit about sharks around the same time this supposedly happened. But he also loves Shark Week. Someone tweeted. I just wish there could be me into the sharks.

Someone tweeted at him, could you be a hero and stop it? Stop putting the shark fin soup in your casino. And he was like, he tweets back, you like sharks? Sorry, folks, I'm just not a fan of sharks, and don't worry. They will be around a long time after we are gone. Follow up, sharks are the last on my list, other than perhaps the losers and haters of the world. Don't worry. They will be around a long time after we are gone. Follow-up. Sharks are the last on my list, other than perhaps the losers and haters of the world.

And I don't know why I thought it was so funny. I was crying laughing. I like to think he's taking Stormy out of the hotel room. He's like, can you wait a week to cash this check? I lost a lot of money on that Michael Phelps race. I really thought that was going to go the other way. All right, guys. Parents are removing their children from class at a U school after staffs removed the wall from the girls

bathroom it's to stop bullying truancy and drug use claim to principal spielberg we want to know god damn it we did a lot of talk about the conspiracy theory that steven spielberg is a pedophile the other week so really yeah there's a little call of course i mean i think that's of course, right? See, Brett's... I mean, what's E.T. really about, you know? Yeah, finger in a boy. Yeah. Yeah.

That old stuff. Oh, God, he's luring him with candy. God damn it, he is a pedophile. Whoa, Keith, you just connected the dots. Oh, I'm so bummed out. You want to ride on my handlebars? I'll take you to outer space. That's where we do the really fucked up shit.

You think a yacht in the Caribbean is in international waters? Be good and quiet. You're about to get probed on a satellite, kid. Give me some Reese's piece of that ass. Yuck. Yuck. You fucking yuck. Moving on.

A new dating app Catering to Muslim singles Launched this month So make sure to check out Jihadmeathello.com It's a little long But it's catchy Isn't there a dating app

Called coffee and a bagel Yeah The fuck is that It's coffee meets bagel It's basically You get one match a day As opposed to being able To just swipe swipe swipe

It just puts you together With one person A day So it's supposed to be like You are actually like Encouraged to have a conversation you get one match a day as opposed to being able to just swipe, swipe, swipe. It just puts you together with one person a day. It's supposed to be like you are actually encouraged to have a conversation. Oh, that's interesting. It has nothing to do with bagels, actually. I mean, I assume there's some...

Well, Keith deleted the app after he realized that. I'm sure there's some coded Zionist message to the bagels presence, but... Once he realized he had to talk to somebody, he's like, this isn't for me. Yeah, this is neither snacks nor immediate sex. I don't care for it. Brett, how much fucking would you think Keith

Carey does? I promise you, you're wrong. I think a lot. I think a high amount. It's even more than that somehow. Really? I mean, yeah. You're a freak. Yeah. I like the part of it. Keith is just like, he's just warm and tenacious. I had to boil it down.

Please email your fuck offers to Keith Carey Comedy at gmail.com. Have you done like a three in a day before? Yes. Like football practice? What do we do? Call that a triple header. All from an app? What's up?

Are you meeting people? How do you meet these people? Yeah, I meet people. I have the apps. I have various tentacles. You're active in the game? Yeah, I meet people. I have the apps. I have various tentacles in different suits. You're active in the game? Yeah. Good for you. Keep the hustle strong. Yeah, I'm past it.

Yeah? Yeah, I'm over it. I'm sorry, bud. No, it's fine. Honestly, my life would be, I would be so much more productive if I didn't fuck. Like, if I got castrated, I would have for sure, we would be famous by now. Yeah, to be fair, and like Keith, it's just because Keith needs to burn about 12,000 calories to perform one sexual thrust. So he's got to have like a whole Michael Phelps breakfast if he needs to go get a chub.

Just eating an entire ham that I found in a trash can again, like a video game character. You've put the ham in an ice cream cone just for convenience's sake. Ham cone. Yeah. Dude, ham cone is a fair food waiting to happen. I really think we could go down that route and just be artisanal like food truck guys. Oh, God. Yeah.

Just a ham on a stick? It's going to be in a cone. Oh, in a cone. It's going to be a cone. I like how you said that like Brett was the biggest idiot of all time. It's going to be in a cone, Brett. You fucking gibberish. Yeah, I guess I wasn't putting that together.

You can get mac and cheese in a cone at Disneyland. Really, I guess I wasn't putting that together. You can get mac and cheese in a cone at Disneyland. Really? Made out of a ham cone? This is all off my... I had the cone zone idea and now cone zone. Okay, you can't just say it again and act like that explains it. I've explained cone zone so many times. No, you haven't.

You sure have not. Eagle-eared listeners, please tweet me your cone zone timestamps. No, I've told you guys. It's going It's an ice cream parlor. Eagle-eared listeners, please tweet me your cone zone timestamps. No, I've told you guys. I don't think I've told you. It's going to be an ice cream parlor, but instead of ice cream being the important thing, it's all these different cones, a toffee cone, fucking... So, yeah, can I get a scoop of Swiss and a scoop of ham?

Do you have any other rejected Seinfeld B-plots to run by? Cone zone will exist. Hear my words. Yeah, I got a gyro sundae from the Cone Zone and I shit out my arm somehow. Alright, Brett. Yeah, buddy.

Trump scared everybody when he challenged North Korean madman Kim Jong-un's manhood by challenging, or by saying his nuclear button was way bigger and better. Just our luck. We get into an international dick measuring contest that could end in nuclear annihilation right after the black

guy was president. The good news, it's against an Asian. There it is. Both sides of the hacky joke are in there. I love it. Equal opportunity. I was so glad they expanded to the 200-degree.

Go ahead and play that car crash sound effect for Brad so he can feel more comfortable. Crash, crash, crash, crash, crash, crash. That's up. I don't have the board. What did you expect? It was a beep. You didn't actually need to make a sound there.

I did all the heavy lifting. You know you've been in a car crash before. That is not what it sounds like. I have not. Oh, really? Yeah. And you're friends with Connor? I am an amazing driver, sir.

If you ever dab in the studio again, I'll kill your family. I don't know what dabbing is. It's what you get. Tom is a shockingly good driver. Horrible at walking, sleeping, talking, eating correctly, but driving, outstanding. Drives like a frightened grandmother. I read that Russia just finished this thing. It's called the Doomsday torpedo it's like 10 000 times more powerful than the bombs at hiroshima and it's like this underwater thing i was like doomsday torpedo is a literal fucking

street fighting finishing move like that is that is a dragon ball z attack like oh my god that's how we're gonna go uh an alabama woman attacked her boyfriend with a hatchet when he didn't let her use his car. Woman's activist Dice Clay says, that's the correct weapon to use on him. Oh, everyone got a hatchet wound. Very good, dude. That's my favorite thing you've done. Hooray! It's become a Mean Boys tradition to have random job position Dice Clay.

I like it. What was the last dice clay one that I enjoyed? It was like botanist dice clay. Something stupid like that. There's been Surgeon General dice clay. He's had a lot of jobs on this show. Used overall salesman dice clay.

Alright guys, the head of the U.S. Board of Gymnastics has resigned due to sexual assault allegations from 140 gymnasts. They caught the man when they found chalk handprints on everyone's butts. The smoking cum. God damn it. I just like the idea of the judge giving that guy 25 to life and then the Russian judge being like, no, only a six. Very finicky.

That was the first version. I was like, hmm, can't get it out. Donald Trump was roasted for being a draft dodger by a senator who lost her legs in the war. As a rebuttal, Trump referred to her statement as a stump speech. He then made his bow tie spin and encouraged the cabinet to try the veal and tip their waitresses.

Oh, that's fun. Dude, she lost her legs? I didn't know that. Yeah. She's... Gillibrand? The one with no legs. I didn't write her name down. But look at all the senators. No legs senators. If you stop seeing feet, you've found your lady. Why is that one sitting down? Oh, Tammy Duckworth.

Tammy Duckworth. Her name's Duckworth? Yeah. That's hilarious. She should have... She should have ducked. She did. She should have jumped is what she should have ducked She did she She should have jumped She's from Illinois She was the senator before I left But yeah

It was pretty funny that she said that She's like I'm not going to take any fucking military lectures From a draft doctor From like a five time deferment And it's a girl That's what's so great about it. You know that just fucking gets under his skin.

Oh, yeah. I got a picture of the legs here. Like Donald Trump is like, even I am not going to get away with calling this lady a dumb cripple. Yo, here's the deal. There's a picture of her

at the Democratic National Convention and she's got red, white, and blue like prosthetic legs. Oh, that's cool. Oh, she's got like Oscar Pretorius things. Yeah, and that is fun. And she's got like sensible like fucking and blue prosthetic legs. Oh, that rules. She's got Oscar Pretorius things. Yeah, and she's got sensible fucking I'm a boss bitch flats.

I love this lady. This is awesome. Tammy Duckworth can kind of get it. You would never fuck someone with no legs, Keith. Shut up. She wouldn't be able to get away. Oh, that's not nice. She wouldn't want to get away. Oh, that's not nice. She wouldn't want to get away.

That's nice to Keith, but still neutral to her. The trick is you fuck her at the bottom of a hill, so she's got no options. Oh, dear. This is this kind of podcast now. Might have to cut that part of it out. So, Connor, you got any more TV stuff coming up? Well, Mom, you know who Tammy Duckworth is? Fun fact.

She ruined my career. Tom. Oh, it's me. All right, it's my turn. Wait. Oh, yeah, it is. It's my turn. The thing I like most about the opioid crisis is it kills mostly Americans.

Yeah, that's funny. There's way too many Americans. Agreed. Kind of like a callback to the Tide Pod Challenge joke. I seem to have developed a theme here. But, you know, it's like self-selective for the, you know... Americans are the worst. I think we can agree.

I mean, it is a little harder to sell heroin addicts deserve to die than people who eat Tide Pods deserve to die, but I see your point. It's on a spectrum. They found out Tom Petty went down from like. Oh, yeah, from Sentinel. Yeah. Well, it's like the guy who threw out his back and needed to take Vicodin so he wouldn't cry too loud and keep his kids up before school.

Glad you did. Chug a Tide Pod. You Rust Belt son of a bitch. I was thinking of something else. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Cool. Thanks. Tom for sure does not know what's going on. I was thinking of something else. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Cool, thanks. Tom for sure does not know what's going on. I was thinking of Valium.

That's why I got confused. Yeah, but you said Vicodin. Yes. Which is the painkiller. Neat, yes. Very good. That's all right. Now the joke.

Okay. Dude, I want to get Tom Goss like a kid of magic tricks because I just think, okay, pick a card. Oh, wait, shit. I'm doing ball in the cup right now. Okay. I'm great at ball in the cup. Okay. The joke.

All right. Okay. Controversy. Controversy. Controversy was born after a woman. After Kanye and Cam had their third child? Controversy was born after a woman took a photo shoot

of her giving birth to a kitten. The centaur community is outraged by her insensitive half-man, half-cat joke. No. No. No. No. A lot. I agree on no. Controversy was born. Not a phrase any human has ever used.

I've borned it. You sound like a small child trying to imitate the news. That's exactly what I do. That's how I do my joke off. You're an adult man, though. The way you speak is like a Google Translate of like a third world dictator speech. And they're hilarious. It's like if you read the Nigerian prince email where you can tell it's just a little off in sentence.

All right, guys. This last one. I don't know which one it's going to be. None of them are good. All right, guys. United Airlines saved $170,000 by switching to lighter paper for their in-flight magazine. Therapy ostriches are still allowed. What is it?

I don't get it. They used their lighter kind of paper so they'd use less fuel. And everyone was saying how cool it was. But you could still bring an iguana on the plane if you get scared sometimes. We don't have to dwell on it. I had another one about how stupid you are. But I thought that would be mean after the tone of the earlier episode. Well, I'm going to need you to do it now.

A single father who went to Disneyland in an I Need a Kidney t-shirt has received a kidney transplant. In a related story, Tom Gloss plans to... Tom Gloss? Yeah, you fucking idiot! That's your drag queen name, Tommy Gloss. Tom Gloss plans to take a vacation in the land of Oz in his new

I Need a Brain t-shirt. There it is. It was whatever. They're both bad. This one's not good either. A hundred people attended a candlelight vigil for a taco bell that burned down in alabama in light of this tragedy all flags in alabama will today be flown at half moss that's fine a mexican punk yeah like chihuahuas wearing like a black tuxedo just one single tear yo quiero justice that's a real thing yeah that's the best part about it well yeah yeah all these people are like very upset they're just like now where are we gonna go at three in the morning yeah that's like a callback to why i'm glad the

opioid crisis is killing americans yeah i mean yeah but all they had to live for was this one taco bell god can you imagine the taco bell in montgomery alab Alabama at 2 a.m.? The Taco Bell in Montgomery, Alabama. The moonshine-addled fucking goons. That's Alabama's Pulse nightclub. It serves the same function as a learning annex or a community health center. It's like their library in Alabama. It's the biggest public resource they have. Where are you at here, Brett?

I'm trying to decide between two not very good jokes. Terrific. Hell yeah. These aren't as monologue-y as they should be either, but I shouldn't apologize. It's not a gender-related pay gap if Michelle Williams offered to do the job for free. As much as I loathe Mark Wahlberg,

it's not his fault she has a bad business manager. I didn't feel bad for Mark Wahlberg at all. It's not a payback thing. Well, yeah, because he was like, yeah, I got paid because I have a good agent. He's got it in his contract that if they have to do reshoots, he gets paid for them.

And she offered to not get paid because she's nice. They're two unrelated things. Totally. And he gave that money. And then he had to give back a million and a half dollars so he didn't look like a dick,

which is nothing to him. But at the same time, I hate when I fall on the side of Mark Wahlberg. Well, it is funny because part of you is like, good for you, Mark Wahlberg. I guess you're a good guy. And then you're like, oh, yeah, remember when you beat that Vietnamese guy until he went blind? Wait, did he do that? Oh, yeah, dude. He beat the shit out of a Vietnamese dude.

Man, wow. I've always hated him. For being Vietnamese in Boston. Yeah, it was real rough. Have you guys eaten? He has a restaurant, apparently. Wahlbergers? shit out of a vietnamese dude wow like i've always hated for being vietnamese like in boston yeah it was a real rough have you guys eaten he has a restaurant apparently and uh burgers yeah you mean the one they do wait is that real yeah wall burgers it's it's the rest of the family kind of owns it dude straight up fuck the future did you not know that this is also a reality show that is very popular wall burgers i didn't know that. Oh God, we just broke Connor. That's fine. I feel good

that I didn't know that because I'm like, I've successfully insulated myself from things that are triggering to me. That's how I feel every day. And then you make fun of me. No, I ate there. It wasn't great. It was like... You don't say. Really. It was like very over... Like, here's

$10 for the sandwich like there's no chips or anything like no here is a small is bigger than a slider smaller than a burger eat up and get the fuck out we're from philadelphia where the fuck it's so philadelphia you fucking moron from west philadelphia marky mark i'm gonna kill this as Asian guy in the park. We got one more joke, Tom. Yes, we do. I believe in you. I'm sending you all my energy. I don't.

Thank you. What is this voice? Positive. We're positive. You got the touch. Thank you. What? It's a song from a movie.

Don't worry about it. Keep going. Okay. All right. Russian bots. Oh, shit. My thing moved. They've taken my phone.

Is that what you say right before you have sex? Oh, shit, my thing moved. They've taken my phone. Is that what you say right before you have sex? Oh, shit, my thing moved. That's going to be six more months of winter. I'm going to dick you down before the freeze hits. Ah, now the compass is broken. Russian bots have been blaming Democrats for the government shutdown on Twitter. American Twitter bots have been too busy calling Hillary Clinton's tit sausage-shaped water balloons to get involved.

Yeah, that is kind of our move. At least it was really funny. At least it was really funny, and we all laughed and clapped, and then I got a balloon or something. Yeah, it's a positive. We don't have a balloon budget, and you know that.

Do you guys like balloons? Yeah, they're fine. We don't have a balloon budget, and you know that. Yeah, no. Do you guys like balloons? Yeah, they're fine. I don't really get them. I'm right in the middle on balloons. Still glad you drove out for this. I've never had an opinion about a balloon. I'm sure glad I have this balloon. I've never been like, I want a toy that runs away from me.

Like, that's never. You're 24 years old. That's also how Tom describes his childhood kitten. Reminds him of all of his pets. All right. On that note, the Mean Boys podcast will be right back with something else. Ladies and gentlemen, during Snark Week,

we performed a sketch called Our Worst Ever Sketch. Mean Boys History of Cinnabon. That's not what it was called. It was called The Worst Sketch Ever. Now, basically Tom wrote descriptions of movies as he saw fit. We agreed to air this sketch only on the condition that we record it live. Tom do every single voice.

We provide sound effects and he have to really wallow in what he's done. So with that in mind, we present the sequel. The History of Cinema, Volume 2 or whatever. Parentheses, The Worst Sketch Ever. The Worstest Sketch Ever. Parentheses, the worst sketch ever. The worstest sketch ever. Tom, you have the floor. Welcome to the Episode 2 of Mean Boys History of Cinema.

Going great. Unlike every other Mean Boys sketch, we do not edit this because we prefer our audio film raw. Pause. What does that mean? Here on Mean Boys History of Cinema cinema we take a look at films throughout the ages and provide unknown behind the scenes origins of the films let's start with the classic film goodwill hunting i can't believe my husband is dead it's okay we are strong I am your son Dad's memory will live on forever Do you have his will? I do

I printed it, it's right here Oh my god, who are you? I'm a Boston badass Oh no, why did you shoot my husband's will? Because I hunt wills. And I'm good at will hunting. Wow, that guy is like wicked smart. You're refusing to even do a Boston accent.

Drop the R and commit to your terrible premise. Incredible. What an O to liking apples. Let's go ahead and move on to our next film. Raiders of the Lost Ark. Down. Set hike. What are you doing, kid?

You're on Raiders. Stop playing like one. I'm sorry, coach. I'll try harder next time. What's wrong with you? That's the versatility of Tom as a voice actor. It's been really rough since the wife left. Very distinctive voice.

I'm sorry to hear that, son. She took the kids. For the listening audience, these are different characters. She took everything. I lost the kids. I lost the house. I She took everything. I lost the kids. I lost the house. I lost the boat. That's the quarterback. She took the boat. She took the ark.

He fucked up. She took the ark. He fucked up. For what? The only word that was important. Wow. Now you're a raider of the lost ark. What a...

Wow, truly inspirational. And of course, the origins of the band, the Backstreet Boys. What? My favorite movie. That's a door. Oh man, we're really drunk from

drinking at this bar, and we're just these young drunk boys who don't know what to do with their lives yet. That's Johnny Jojo. Yeah. That's the character he's writing into the script. I know, Johnny. What a huge predicament we're in. This is Chad Calcium.

What do you think, Incredibly Feminine Boy? That's my line. I don't know. I'm so drunk. Oh, no, I'm falling. Don't fall, Incredibly Feminine Boy? That's my line. I don't know. I'm so drunk. Oh, no. I'm falling. No, don't fall, Incredibly Feminine Boy. Oh, my God.

Oh, no. That car hit me. That's crazy. Whoa, your back's on the street. Hey, let's call ourselves that. The Backstreet Boys. I like it. Yeah.

I might expire. Got it. Buy a tire. Believe when I say I like toupees. Yeah, we're a band now. Oh, awesome. There's another page on this. Did you change some of the lyrics?

No one listens to the lyrics. Thank you for enjoying a Mean Boys page of this. Did you change some of the lyrics? No one listens to the lyrics. Thank you for enjoying a Mean Boys history of cinema. Up, up and away. I'm genuinely upset. I'm pretty mad. Yeah, I don't know if we can put that on the show. No. I'm kidding.

I'm playing the bit. No, we shouldn't put it on the show. I'm kidding. It's good. No, it, we shouldn't put it on the show. I'm kidding. It's good. No, it's not. It's not even a little good. If you've been listening to the show for a while, you know that we only listen to things with studio headphones. That's right.

Studio headphones are premium on-ear fucking Swedish awesome headphones that won't hurt your family. If I want to hear the voice of any of my loved ones, I make them call me just so I could take the call on studio headphones so it sounds even better than real life. They'll turn you into an absolute monster, but a stylish monster. They're so fucking sleek and aesthetically pleasing. The battery life is phenomenal. You can use Bluetooth and fucking walk around jamming out like Baby Driver. Or you can use their crazy magical cord that does not tangle ever. Never.

Not even once is it even kind of tangled. If it ever tangles, riot. It's fucking crazy. We keep talking about it, and it's not even in the ad copy that we should be discussing, but it's a very, very good auxiliary cord. Speaking of monsters, Mr. Ear exclusively listens to audio with Studio Headphones. And Lord knows we all care what the fuck Mr. Ear's deal is. Oh, jeez, I can't imagine why we don't have more fucking sponsors

when every single product has a Mr. Blah Blah Blah dip shit. I can't wait for Professor MeUndies to dick us out of some money. Anyway, go to StudiosSweden.com, pick up your pair today, use promo code MEANBOYS15 to get 15% off. We get a little kickback, you get some fucking killer headphones. Everybody wins. There's free shipping all over the world, and listen like a cool guy. Sha-na-na-na-na-na, mean, mean. get some fucking killer headphones. Everybody wins. There's free shipping all over the world. Listen like

a cool guy. Mean! Alright, guys. The Mean Boys Podcast is back. We're taking some DNA tests that were sent to us by a listener. Let me get his email here. It's like Christmas morning around here. You guys are all opening up your gifts.

I know. You should have slept over on Christmas Eve, Brett. I'm glad I'm not in this because I don't want the government to have my DNA. What was the name of the guy? I feel bad. What the fuck? You're freaking me out now. Is this a secret government project we didn't know about?

Well, you've got to send it in. Yeah, but not to the government. It's a company. All right. Look, they already have my DNA anyway because you've got to get it fingerprinted. On that rape victim? Well, that's what it takes. That's why I don't want the connections made.

Okay, so this is from Carl Young. Next day on the hip ray. Carl Young writes, Sub dildos. I was thinking of how I could contribute to the show, but I'm kind of a hipster. I wanted to do something unique. I had an idea and wanted to offer you guys. Do you have a hipster lister?

That's he's a self-avowed hipster, which I think if you think you are, you're not. Offered by you guys, the genetic testing kit's offered by 23andMe that tells you your lineage and possible health predispositions. Ooh, that's scary. Maybe the keys to unlocking Tom's brain are wrapped in his DNA. I just like the idea that he gets the email back and they're like, yeah, we don't know either, but it's mostly lizard.

I want to make two predictions. I think we're going to find out Connor's white and I might get pancreatitis. I want to make two predictions okay i think we're gonna find out connor's white and i might get pancreatitis i think i want to make one prediction tom is for sure gonna fuck up this process of getting a spit in this tube before you get excited uh keith to provide your genetic sample all you have to do is spit in the little test tube no semen needed ah rats and i'm sure you're used to swallow but you're used to swallowing but this is for science what kind of fucking weird box is this? It's a very normal box, Tom.

Tom is mystified by a box. I'm not seeing a lot of hope at the end of this mission for him. It turns out Tom is 80% a rock. The other, chimp. Maybe you guys can receive each other's results and then make some jokes about them when you reveal them. You guys are the comedy experts.

I'm just a retarded listener. Let me know if you think this would be a good idea. It is. Thank you very much, man. These were very expensive, so we do appreciate it. That's why we're devoting a full segment to it.

And I do want to point out that during the break when we were explaining this, Brett goes, what if you got black and that was like you were failing the test? Bad news, guys.

So what do we do? Well, let's read the instructions. I can't get this box open. This is wild. Here, Tom. You people are fucking retarded. Well, I didn't know if I was supposed to take it all out. Fuck you, bro. You could have just watched me. Learn from me. I was busy carrying the

show. Sorry. Oh, yeah. That's what you were doing. You were reading an email. Yeah. None of you guys are doing it. You didn't tell us to. Yeah, because I don't trust you. I'm not here for reading. Apparently, you have to activate your kit online. We'll do that later. Okay, activate your DNA. Open the test kit and lay out the unopened swabs and vials.

We got swabs and vials. The presence of a bag that says biohazard on it makes this feel way cooler than it is. For best results, do not eat, drink, chew gum, or smoke for 30 minutes before collecting your DNA sample. Okay. They got that 28 Days Later symbol on here. It's a biohazard symbol. I'll read the instructions here. All right.

Activate your kit online. Do not skip this step. It is necessary to get your results. Skip that step. Skip that one, yeah. Open the test kit and lay out the unopened swabs and vials on a clean surface. We don't have any of those. Remove one cheek swab from its wrapper and use the swab to scrape the inside of one of your cheeks

while rotating the swab for 60 seconds. Open one vial and insert the swab inside. Swab end down. Once the swab... Swab end? The swab end.

Once the swab end... Sounds like a street in Liverpool. Once the swab touches the bottom of the vial, break the swab against the inside of the vial

and the marked black line leaving the swab end inside the liquid in the vial. Close the cap tightly. Swab your other cheek with the second swab. Dude,

are my cheeks going to have different DNA or is this just like... I would imagine so. All right, I'm popping one of these up. This seems easy but at the same time

this guy's going to have to send three more so you can do it right. Yeah, we're going to fuck this up. Insert the swab in the second vial. Make sure the caps are closed tightly.

Place both swabs in the cotton pad. What the fuck is the cotton swab for? This, you swab your cheek. That's what you swab with. Oh, yeah. So Keith's going to swab his knob here.

All right. I'll time you. All right. Cool. Thanks, Brett. Yeah, Tom, start getting your goo all over everything. Or like say something. One minute, right?

Yeah. Did they say one minute? So I got to wipe my mouth for a minute? Yeah. So, you know, about 58 seconds longer than you've ever washed your face before. You dirty bitch. Well, this is the only time an Apple Watch. I can't remember that.

Wow. This is the only time an Apple Watch has ever been functional for anything. Just to clarify. Do you have an Apple Watch? I do. Why? I love it. Stick it in here? Yes, Tom. You've got to break off the end of the swab. Tom just silently

puts it in his butthole. I don't understand what the cotton swab is for. He just eats the swab. We'll figure it out. We know this part. Let's do this part. If you eat the swab and then you shit it back out, then you send your turd in. Then you're 100% retarded. Right. All right.

That's one minute. Cool. All right. Putting it in the vial. I'm glad we found something for Brett to do during this. Yeah. I'm very good at timing. This is excellent radio, by the way.

This is exactly as awesome as I thought it was going to be. No, we're good. I think it's just the vial. I don't even understand what this cotton... I don't know I guess we just put them in here Right Okay

Yeah you guys should have Had a pre-production meeting On this Yeah I didn't know I didn't know we were Doing this right now Oh I thought That's what we planned on doing

No We were just talking About just riffing or something Okay seven You're all going to find out That you're part Yeah All you have to do

Is just swabbing Alright I'm going to start Swabbing guys Wait what are we going to find out that you're part... All you have to do is just swab me. I'm going to start swabbing, guys. Wait, what are we going to find out? Everybody has got some Mongolian in them. Oh, because Genghis Khan fucked everybody. Yeah.

He fucked enough people that his DNA is in everybody. I feel like Tom has a little more Mongolian in him. I'm glad. Yeah. It's weird the way his eyes roll back in his head while he's swabbing his cheek. He looks like he's suspicious of himself.

Yeah, this just all looks like we're smoking French-ass cigarettes. It's got to feel like you're waiting. It's going to be disappointing in the short term because you do something like this and you're like, all right, when's it kick in? Yeah. But this is just to find out later that you're a third Scottish.

I want to get an email that's like, yeah, you fucked your cousin that one time. She also sent in a kid. We did some. All right. This is $400 and we'll make it go away. Yeah. Yeah, I guess. Oh, yeah.

It's a minute. I think I've been doing it a minute it's lovely all right cool all right so i did did one don't get them mixed up that's the thing too make sure that would be funny don't get them mixed up. That's the thing, too. Make sure you three don't get them mixed up. Okay, so that one's done. Amongst the three of you. Not amongst the two you have. I guess that is very important that we not do that. Why is this not breaking?

We should put them in our little envelopes, correct? Oh, yeah. It would be great if you guys went through all of these and then somebody grabbed all three of them and threw them in the same envelope. Like, well, off they go. Ah, fuck. Potter's dad is Keith's aunt.

I guess you'd probably be able to figure it out after you got the results and just match them up with whoever. Yeah, I'm not even... I got a very Irish name. I'm not even that Irish, I don't think, so I'm kind of curious. Yeah, I still think we're all going to end up being white.

I know I have Samoan. What? Shocking. I'm a descendant from Samoan royalty, actually. I guess the thing I'm excited about. Well, they must be proud. Oh, yeah. Well, they have like, I've got to assume they have like 15,000 kings.

Yeah, I think Samoan royalty just means you get to the front of the line and a burger king. Like, that's it. That's their monarchy. Right. Where's the other stick? Yeah, this keeps getting caught in my gum. The other thing he says right before sex. Where's my backup stick?

You're holding it, right? Tom, it's right here. It's right there. This is befuddlingly bad radio, what we're doing here. No, it's good, dude. Everyone loves it. I think that the listener is picturing it and trying to figure out what in the fuck

Tom is doing. Yeah. All right. Tom, I need you to make less eye contact while you're doing this. Who do I look at? We got a picture

you ding-dongs don't listen. Yeah, it's just so wide-eyed. You have the look that you're like Q-tipping, you or swabbing your ear. You know, you get in there and it's...

Scary bitch. Okay. All right. All right. And are we locked in? I think we're locked in. 15 more seconds for Tom and then he's good. Tom, eight more minutes.

Push that shit out. He's about to come. Mind over body. Give him so much DNA. Oh shit, whose envelope is this? I think this is my envelope. I have my... Oh shit. No, yours is over there.

My things are right here. I'm just keeping my tube in my pocket. Three, two, one. Done. I got my tubes. Boom. I'll keep my tubes in my pocket and I'll deal with the envelope shit later. That's a good idea. We'll register our kits that we've gotten all completely mixed up. You'll forget and then you'll be out the envelope shit later. That's a good idea. We'll register our kits that we've gotten all completely mixed up. You'll forget and then you'll be out at some bar later or something.

You'll be fishing through your pockets and you'll throw two vials of DNA onto the bottom. Take my goo! I really wanted to do a switcheroo where I got Opie to do it for me. Oh, that would've been funny. Hey, Opie, I need you to spit in my mouth. Don't worry about why.

Yeah, that's not swanky, though. Well, the DNA reveal episode will, I imagine, be a lot more fun than the DNA test episode. God. Something bad is going to happen to one of us because we did this. I broke it wrong. That is the single most Tom Goss sentence

that's ever been said. I broke it wrong. I did. What, did you put it back together? You fucking zilch. Put the fucking lid on it, dingus. It's too long. Do you have the lid with you?

Yes. We'll try to put it on. I did. We'll take it out a little bit and break it more. Break it again. Give me that bottle of your spirit. Don't get your DNA on it. Only he can do it. He really did break it wrong.

I know how to break things. Do you? Do you really? You're the only one who broke it wrong. You fucked it up. Why don't you get some scissors? Maybe some scissors. Do we own scissors here? Yes, we own scissors.

We're adults. I'm not sure that we do. We do. We have several pairs of scissors. I had scissors. I had some, but they don't work. Wait, I haven't taken your scissors.

Oh, man. That is the worst possible thing to use. It's not your fucking... Shut up. No one cares what you are anyway. This got so hostile, and we're just trying to spit in a tube. No, I'm just clowning around.

You don't think I'm curious about Tom's ethnic background? We are now watching Tom attempt to use a pair of, like, the choir thing. This is not... He's going to get his fingers for sure. Yeah, you're going to send him a whole finger, and they're going to be able to get the shit out of your DNA, dude. Tom, it's made of plastic.

Think about your actions. Did you get it? Oh, man. Dude, this is so much harder than it needed to be. Oh, there it is. Let's get it. Okay, now put the lid on it. Jesus Christ.

Oh, my God. Fucking stupid ass tubes. Those stupid ass tubes. Oh, God. Yeah, I loveass tubes. Those stupid-ass tubes. Oh, God. Yeah, I love that you're trying to blame the tube. Yeah. Well, they should have made... Okay, this is mine over here.

I'm going to put mine over there so everybody knows. They should have made the second tube a little bit bigger than the first tube. Yeah, this whole stool area is mine. Okay. Well, now there's a lot of trash everywhere, and it wasn't even that funny. I feel pretty good about that segment. I think it's going to be good. It'll be good. It'll be interesting.

What do you think the government would do with your DNA? Why are you concerned about them having it? They're not going to make more of me. How good would it be if you were like our Boba Fett clone trooper seed? Yeah, he's perfectly apt for combat. I mean, he's a great driver. I mean, it's... Yeah. I just... You know, the government's always going to use... I don't need to assist the government

in identifying me in any way. That's a fair point. It's like, you know, oh, I'm sending in my fingerprints to the government. Yeah.

I don't know if I want to do that. There's no situation where it's like, oh, thank God, the CIA knows how to find me. Just sending... Well, hopefully. Dude, I hope that

if these people contest for being gay, you're just fucked, Keith. Because then there's going to be a whole FEMA camp. A whole club mad-ass FEMA camp

where everyone's like... That'd be the dopest FEMA camp ever. Can I cut off my work jumpsuit? No. You know what that FEMA camp is?

Palm Springs. I'm excited to find out how much misinformation my parents have given me about my genetics. What were you told? That a meteorite crashed into your mom's pussy

and then you came out? We're going to find out Tom is a wizard. We're going to get our results back. He's just going to get an invitation to Hogwarts. He's just going to get attacked by an owl. That's all that's going to happen. What if one of you guys finds out you're adopted? Oh, shit. Because that would be a way, right?

If you're not in any of the countries your parents are from, I'm like, well, wait a minute. That'd also be a good way, right? If you're not in any of the countries your parents are from, like, well, wait a minute. That's true. That would also be a good way to find out that you're not your dad's. There must be a lot of dads who are like, oh, shit, my kid never does this. Because he's not going to be any Australian.

Yeah. I look like my dad, so I think I'm straight. Yeah, I look like my dad, too. Tom, do you look like your dad? Your dad looks like a supervillain. My dad is a very sweet man. He's a good guy. We talked about how scary looking he is.

Yeah, no, I mean, me and my dad are very similar in that when we're mad at you, you're going to be scared. We are threatening men. What a beautiful thing to share with a parent. It really is. One of my favorite moments

was my dad went to go get a table from storage or something and then it was like 10 minutes before it closed and the guy walks over and he's like, hey man, this place is like a store. When the store's closed, you can't come in and you have to leave, so you've got to leave now.

And my dad's like, yeah, we're getting the table and we're leaving. Like, no, but you've got to leave because it's like a store. You don't want to disrespect the store. And my dad goes, it's not a fucking store, and just throws the table like the Incredible Hulk into the back. He just starts screaming at the man. And he's like, okay. Like, I've never seen anyone that scared.

I've also never seen someone throw a table like that. You threw a table at a sailing captain. It was a smaller table. It was only like five feet long. Why did you throw a table at a sail? That's still very long, Tom. That's a big... I was thinking like an end table.

Why did a sailing captain throw you? He was the captain of the sailing team. That clears up none of his questions. Yeah, Brett, you dumbass, for not knowing about my boarding school days. Yeah, he said something that annoyed me. I told him to stop. He kept doing it. You were on the rowing team?

No, no, no, no, no. I played sports where you hurt each other. I played hockey and football and stuff. And then I saw I got mad at him. I just tried to fight the water on my own time. Yeah. Just go down and punch the beach. I don't know.

I kind of just chucked the table at him. And then he asked me to leave. And I said, you leave. And then he did. And so. But in my defense, the table was the closest thing to me i didn't go seek out a table didn't the guy turn out to be like rod stewart's nephew or something no that's a different guy i hit him it was his stepson okay uh you're like forrest gump if it

was produced by wwe like you just dipped in and out of important historical lives and thrown furniture there's also i uh i'm not gonna say the name of the company, but the son of the owner of, I'm going to just make it rhyme, Brown Boy Al, the liquor. Brown Boy Al. You bet that Tom is a quarter Brown Boy Al. Brown Boy Al. He failed. I pissed him off one time because he's an asshole.

Hope you're listening, asshole. This should show you I just fucked up my DNA stick on my radio show. I like that you were all secretive about it. You're like, oh, those high-powered disappears over at Crown Royale might come after me. I didn't say it was that. Brown Boy Al. Yeah. I'm just calling... I didn't say it was that. Brown Boy Al. Yeah. And I'm just calling...

That's the worst James Bond movie is Brown Boy Al. We were on the same team. I just caught calling him a rich cunt. And next thing I know, we're changing after the game. He's like trying to choke me. And even while he's choking me,

I'm like, you can't even choke me. And again, Gordo from Mortal Kombat could not choke Tom with his four arms. I've been choked out. A 110-pound woman choked me out with her legs one time. It was very upsetting. Nice. Upsexual?

No. She's just not, yeah. It could have been if you... What retarded person was she related to? I don't know. She's just a chick. She was Dat Fan's nephew. Yeah, this was Chelsea Clinton's goddaughter.

We were at a chili cook-off in North Dakota. I left one of my shoes on a mountain, the other one on a helicopter. Yeah, my Tamagotchi got taken by a street pig. So many things, Tom. I loved Tamagotchi as a kid. I played in Japan.

Cool. I was just contributing. I was thinking the other day, would there be a museum exhibit where they just have a Tamagotchi that's still alive? No, they die. Do they die of old age? Yeah.

Or neglect. If you don't take care of them. Did you ever have a Tamagotchi, Brett? I have no idea what you guys are talking about. They were like these little virtual pets in the 90s. It was like, yeah, you got them, you had to feed them and stuff, or they died. Yeah, I remember the virtual pet thing. Yeah, that's by the time I got you.

I got you. Yeah, those things all just died alone ultimately. Yeah, there's a very sad documentary about a family that has a pet robot dog and the company that made them stop making update parts, so the dog is going to die soon and they had a traditional Japanese funeral with a full-on hut by a stream and shit with like prayer and robes for the

sick robot dog it was very fucking creepy stupid i just thought the most racist thing i've ever thought on this show i was like what is a traditional asian funeral for a dog they marinate it i'm sorry i'm sorry well, that's the DNA test, everybody. Japanese people don't eat dogs. That's China. I said Asia. I changed it to make it work. Oh, yeah.

That did work. Good thing I fact-checked your life. Racist. Ripped. Okay, Koreans are happy. Japanese people don't eat dogs. And I'm a quarter fucking skunk. I don't know how...

Tom God's Asia expert. Yeah, Asia. Okay. Sure. don't eat dogs uh and i'm i'm a i'm a quarter uh fucking skunk i don't know how god's asia experts yeah asia okay yeah sure well mostly north asia please yeah tom we're the love of god the mean boys podcast will be right back don carlos taco shop is the number one destination for podcast themed burritos in north america that's right if you're in la jolla california you probably already know about Don Carlos. But if you don't, go to Don Carlos Taco Shop right across the street from the La Jolla Comedy Store. Yeah, they have a whole bunch of different things you can eat. Some of them are vegetarian.

Vegetarian if you're, you know, gay. Well, dude, I don't like that. But go to eataburrito.com. Check out their very non-homophobic, inclusive website. This is the only burrito, for my knowledge, that is not actively supporting the Westboro Baptist Church. That's true. And you should eat there because Don Carlos sponsors the show, and it's actually very, very good. I'm Mr. Labor.

Shut your fat hole. Shut your shit-eating mouth. I love their California burritos with French fries and sour cream, and it's fucking delicious. This is not even so bad it's good. It's just bad. Go, California. Oh, my God. Shut up. And the Mean Boys podcast is back to play a round of our favorite game, which is the following.

It's fucking hot in here, isn't it? A little bit. You want to correct that window? Is that the game? Is that the game? It's fucking hot in here, isn't it? Tom, could you go ahead and correct the window? So the game here, Brett, or Brett could do it. I just didn't want to make our guest do something.

Yeah, we could tell from the DNA test. Yeah, right? I opened it wrong. You closed it? I tried to open the window and I accidentally built a door. Those are just windows without handles. Shut your fat mouth. They're just bird doors, guys.

I've been telling you this. You guys have never entered or left a building through a window. Of course. I've left this building through that window a bunch of times. That's super normal. So which of the following is a game? There's a category here. We've got three real things and one fake thing within the category.

You've got to pick out the fake thing. This game comes to us from one of our favorites, Add Death to the Filth. Hey, Connor, this one is right up your alley. Hope you like it, as it took a lot of work. Which of the following is not a real American political scandal? A, the XYZ affair, when the French Navy captured 300 American ships and demanded bribes for their return. B, 1831, the Congressman Robert Potter resigned after castrating two men he believed were sleeping with his wife. C, the Whig scandal.

President Zachary Taylor was accused of stealing over 100 slaves from a neighboring plantation before his election. Or D, the Whiskey Ring scandal. Ulysses S. Grant administration was involved in the scandal, taking bribes and stealing taxes on whiskey. Over 110 people were convicted. I like that the scandal was like not that he owned slaves, that he stole. Whoa, we got bought those slaves fair and square. That was just an incredible amount of information you just dumped on me in eight seconds. I know.

This game is very – this is kind of a long one. Yeah. Remember when I couldn't remember two words? A, B, C, and D? The XYZ affair is definitely a real thing. That is... They even sent Benjamin Franklin over to France to

be a diplomat. That's when he spread herpes to everybody or got herpes or syphilis or whatever when he was in France. Keith would be a good biological weapon if we're just like, alright Keith, we're going to give you super aids but you get to go fuck every diplomat.

Dude, hell yeah. Can I start with Tammy Duckworth? I thought we'd be doing this to destabilize foreign governments. Oh yeah, whatever. No, I'm just trying to fuck a lady with no feet. Can you screw on like a dildo for a sexual act? Just like some kind of whole Bruce Lee villain hook hand scenario? Oh, man.

We put on my vibrating plastic hand. The second one was the one about the castration. The dildo pirate. Yeah, the castrating. The second one was the one about the castrating. A dildo pirate. Yeah, the castrating. The hour she blows. That one's funny because it's like two guys. So you got the one and he's like, nah, she still seems pretty dicked up.

What a slut. Yeah, God. I think... I think the fourth one is... I'm pretty sure the fourth one is real too. The whiskey thing with Ulysses. I think I've heard of that as well. That rings a bell with me too. So I think it's B or C. I think it's C, the fourth one is real, too, the whiskey thing with Ulysses. I think I've heard of that as well. That rings a bell with me, too.

So I think it's B or C. I think it's C, the wig one. I think it's B. All right, Tommy, go ahead. Can we hear B and C again? Do you guys remember them? Robert Potter resigned after castrating two dudes. That's B.

Or Zachary Taylor was accused of stealing 100 slaves. I'm going to go B. All right Alright the answer C. Keith Carey's on the board So some guy did cut off dicks Which is beautiful Oh it's castrating not the dick Unless you're getting the nuts out of there

Oh okay I feel like at that point while you're down there Why wouldn't you You let them have a dick they gotta pee You can just pee out of your little stump you fucked my wife yeah but that's rude you fucking white-haired son of a bitch no losing the balls is worse but then you have the dick but you can't do anything with it so it's just like oh man you could probably still fuck with it you could probably still get hard you're not gonna come i feel like no i don't know i don't know what the rules yeah but that's like

you know i'm googling can you still come if you don't have balls no you definitely can't come google just says go outside dude can you still come if you don't have balls weird frankincense situation would you uh so there have been remarkably few medical studies of men who have no testicles fucking god get catch up science what are we doing in space when this is still unsolved but they can usually get an erection, though they may need some medical help. Okay, if a man has had both testicles removed, can he still climax and ejaculate? They cannot father children. They can't usually get an erection.

They may have climaxes in some fluid, but the prostate gland and other glands may be produced. Oh, so some of that, like, seminal fluid that comes from your dick. But obviously they can't produce any testicular fluid or sperm, so they can sometimes cum. Okay. Wait, not all of your cum comes from your balls? No, some comes from your butt. That's technically true. Is that pre-cum? Wait, is that real?

Well, your prostate makes your... There's like some other shit in your dick where it's like if the jizz is the peanut butter, then your dick actually makes a little bit of bread for the cum sandwich. Dr. Drew got his prostate removed because he got cancer, and now he talks about now he just cums dry. So he still has an orgasm, but nothing cums out. Did that really happen?

Yeah. That's the funniest thing I've ever heard. Dr. Drew doesn't jizz? Wait, so, okay. Dr. Drew can't cum, and I'm just learning this? I'm shocked you didn't know it. What? Yeah, you've not known a lot of things this episode.

Tom. Tom, you know exactly what you're setting yourself up for here. Walk away from this. Enjoy the win quietly. Round number two, A. You guys don't enjoy the win quietly. I'm throwing myself a parade before the fucking firing squad comes back out. Enjoy it.

Federal Judge John Pickering was impeached for being drunk and using profanity while on the bench. I thought that said the beach at first. Sounds like that's funnier. Party judge. This fucking shitty beach. Senator Thomas Newberry, this is B, was convicted of incest while it was discovered his wife was actually his sister and not

his second cousin as previously believed. I like that that was a bridge too far. Rep Thomas Blanton was censured for inserting unspeakable pornographic language into the congressional record. Nice. I was just quoting John Pickering about the fucking shitty SB. Or D. This bitch is totes gay.

The Newport sex scandal. I thought this was in Keith's personal history. Orange County. Assistant Navy Secretary Franklin Delano Roosevelt. Investigative report. You can just put FDR. Death to the filth. You don't have to fucking tongue twist me like that after Tom called me dumb.

Tom Gloss called me dumb. Tom Gloss. Old Tommy Gloss. This is the sixth podcast I've done in 48 hours. FDR. Investigative reports of homosexuality at the Newport Naval Base when investigators found nothing. They were accused of homosexuality themselves.

Gay-ass snark. So he couldn't find any gays, and he was like, that's because you're the gay. You can't see your own reflection like a vampire. It's like one of those hacky bits where, like, if no one in your family is that guy, then it's you. Walk, walk, walk. Yeah, if you never had a shitty is that guy, then it's you. Waka, waka, waka. Yeah, if you never had a shitty roommate, you're the shitty roommate.

You gay lord. Gay ass roommate shit. Yeah, the fourth one. That last one seems too long to not be true. The Newport one is real. I know for sure that one's real. Yeah. Okay, how do you know this?

Because I am gay. This is going to be good. Because Franklin Delano Roosevelt accused Tom of being gay. Yeah. No, I... Pepperidge, Milano, Farmsington. I listened to either a show or a podcast about that. Okay.

Yeah. Because I'm well-educated, motherfucker. That's how. Name six facts right now. I am awesome. I am great. No, no, no. Those sailors thought they were gay.

No. To be determined. We don't know the answer yet. Brett is here. One. Pans are hard. What was that one? Pans are hard.

All right. Sure. You're at two. You got one. You got a third of those right. Yeah. Pans are hard. Pans.

Pans. Remember when you were talking about the firing squad coming? They're here. Oh, God. Pans are hard.ans Pans Remember when you were talking about the firing squad coming They're here Oh god Pans are hard Alright one was Oh sorry It's all good

You want to take that? You can it'd be funny It's probably a better podcast call It's fucking Stan Hope Get out of there Who was it? Shut up Was it someone more famous than us?

That would be hurtful No I just think it's some bullshit call that's nothing. It didn't come up as a person. It came up as a number, so I don't know who it is. I hate when numbers call me. Yeah, I'm never answering. I don't answer anyway, right? No one answers.

No, I never answer the first call. All right, cast a gentleman. Just real quick. One was the judge who got fired for being profane. Incest guy. Guy who put porn into the record. I think it's incest guy Incest guy

Incest guy was the impeached one? Convicted of incest I think it's porn guy Alright Tommy Goss Incest guy, porn guy, what was the third one? It's profanity guy Incest guy, porn guy And gay FDR

C Actually I'm going to go B No A guy, porn guy, and gay FDR. C. Actually, I'm going to go B. No, A. I'm going A. Fuck you to death. Final answer. Brett. Oh, I selected B. Okay, the answer is B. Fuck you, Tom.

You didn't know anything except for the density of pans you fucking you dumbass I didn't say they were dense they're actually porous I said

they're not that they are porous what? how is a pan porous? it's very small porous but it's I'm also just making this up so I don't really know

I mean in the sense that atoms are mostly empty space. Thank you, assist to Brett. Tom, you fucking land SpongeBob. Don't tell us about what's porous and what isn't. Don't mispronounce things. You know what isn't porous? Your fucking head.

SpongeSlob trash pants. No, I know my head isn't porous. Pans are not viscous. Who lives in a basement under the house? Me, now, but originally Tom. He's fat as a dick and he's dumb

as a house. That's a fat dick. Senator Jonathan Winter, Jesus Christ, was convicted of fraud for selling false medicinal cures for impotence while the Senate was on recess. What? Selling boner pills on his break. You got a moonlight, dude.

They only pay you. Yeah, that guy's awesome. Representative Francis. Wait, isn't that exactly what Bob Dole did? Did he sell boner pills? But he did the Viagra commercials, right? Did Bob Dole do Viagra commercials? Yeah, he definitely did.

Dr. Drew can't come. Bob Dole. How did you not know about the Bob Dole Viagra commercials? I don't know, man. I guess you were busy being like negative two years old. Isn't he also about like diabetes or something? Is that him? That's Wilford Brimley. That's Wilford Brimley. Not a politician in any way. You're thinking being negative two years old. Isn't he also about diabetes or something? Is that him? That's Wilford Brimley.

Not a politician in any way. Tom, you're thinking of bananas, the food, not Bob Dole, the man. I've met no one who actually got diabetes. I thought you were going to say, I've met Bob Dole. I was going to be like, you for sure did. You met anyone named Bob and got confused.

I ate some Dole and then, yeah. All right, Dole. A pineapple? Yeah, I love pineapple. Man, me, got a, yeah. All right, dole. B. That was worth that riff. Yeah, I love pineapple. Man, me and Tom are getting frisky today. I'm sorry. Yeah. Hey, at least we're both dumb.

Representative Francis Schumacher sentenced to a year and a day in prison for sending scurrilous material through the mail. Scurrilous? Scurrilous. Scurndalus. Representative Douglas Stringfellow Fuck your name dude Quit his re-election bid after being exposed

For faking being a paraplegic from a war wound 1954 That one's pretty dope Tammy Duckworth I want to see a little more evidence Chief of Staff was forced to resign Don't you make that fucking face A Chief of Staff was forced to resign Because he refused to say make that fucking face. A chief of staff

was forced to resign because he refused to say where he got an oriental rug in 1958. I guess it's the Orient. That seems too dumb to make up. Yeah, that's for sure.

I think it's the scurrilous material one. What is scurrilous supposed to mean in this context? I think it just means like bad. Scurrilous is probably

how I would describe the way you move. That's how pirates died? That's scurvulous. Scurvulous. I like that you're starting to catch on to Tom language. One syllable is correct. That's the Fergie song about oranges, scurvilicious or whatever. It's like he speaks in pig Latin that only he understands.

Gossian. What was... Okay. I'm going to go... What was A? I was never once Remembered one That was a guy

Selling boner pills While the Senate Was on recess Yeah boner pill dude Okay A I don't think It was that one

I don't think It was the scurrilous one And I don't think It was the last one So I think I don't remember What C was But

The guy Faking paraplegicness I think that's I want that to be real As great as that is. Yeah. I hope I'm wrong, but I'm going to go with C. Good news and bad news, Brett.

Bad news for everybody. Tom is right. It was A. But that guy did fake being a paraplegic. Now he's got my vote. Did someone put on a fucking Chubby Checker record and he started tapping his toe and they're like, I don't know about this. Or he's sitting there and he has an itch on his leg and he's like, I don't know about this. Or he's like sitting there and he just has like an itch

on his leg and he's just like, shit. What are you doing? Adjusting my pants so I don't get bed sores? Or somebody spilled hot coffee on his leg

and screamed. Don't mind me, just doing cripple stuff. Dude, well the foresight you gotta have, you gotta get hit with the bomb and then be like, if I play this right,

I might be able to represent the people of Minnesota. Round number four. Bobby Baker, presidential advisor, forced to resign after charges of favoritism. That's a boring one. That's a really boring one. Representing him.

Representing him. God damn it, Tom. Representative William Mills. No, this is you speaking. Don't you go and say damn it, Tom, but I'm shutting up. I'm not a disease. You can't catch me. I adapt to my surroundings. Fuck you, Brett. Because I'm a can't catch me I adapt to my surroundings

I gotta pee fuck you Brett because I'm a good broadcaster I adapt to and it's like I'm sitting it's like I'm an iguana

sitting a chameleon sitting on a really stupid leaf and I'm just I've been I've been I've been I've had quite enough

of this arrogant I'm the best broadcaster of all time you're the best broadcaster because you joined my hive mind you fucking moron you're pretty good

on our show and okay on Adam Todd's third most popular one. Calm down. We're making a strong bid for number two, okay? You watch that, Quincy L. Johnson. Yeah, anyway, I'm a national treasure. Representing William Mills. I said it again.

Representing him. We have an episode title. Committed suicide after being exposed for receiving a $25,000 gift he failed to report. Nice. Representative Wilbur Mills forced to resign his chairmanship after his affair with an Argentinian stripper went public. Wait, did you say Wilbur Mills twice? No, there was William Mills and Wilbur Mills. Oh, okay.

The Mills brothers. Yeah. Looks like the Mills boys are at it again. And Representative William Clark forced to resign after drunkenly exposing himself to the First Lady at a Christmas party in 1975. Who was the First Lady? 1975, that would have been Linda Carr. No, that would have been Betty Ford. Nice.

Ford. She went into rehab right after that. Okay, so very quickly. Favoritism, suicide? Yes, $25,000 suicide, Argentinian stripper, and shown as dick to Betty Ford. Dick to Betty Ford is pretty funny, but I think it might be fake. Okay. Yeah, I'm going dick to Betty Ford.

I'm going Argentinian stripper, and here's why I think this. Detective Tom, there was a conspiracy that there were all those hookers down in Argentina that government officials went down and banged. So I think that subconsciously was absorbed for this made-up one, and that is why. Wow. Tom tried to sound smart. He goes, and that is why. Wow. Tom, Tom trying to sound smart, he goes, and that, that is why. Stupid asshole.

Follow my words, people. All right. I've been trying for years. Elementary. It's got to be the guy showing his dick to Betty Ford. All right. Good. It's the fake one.

Tom is wrong. It's Betty Ford dick. And that is why. Tom got testified in front of Congress. And, yeah, so that's, there was no make-em-ups with Russia because I said so and they said, and I deleted my email. And that is why.

That is why. Oh, my God. Your Honor. If it may please the court. Round number five. All real or all fake. A lot easier this time. Representative Joseph Doerr resigned after it was revealed he'd been having an affair with

his male chief of staff. Ooh, gay. It's pretty gay. This guy's gay. It's pretty gay. It's kind of gay. Representative Keith Childress dropped his re-election bid when he was exposed for taking kickbacks from a snack food manufacturer in his district. That is too

awesome if that's real. Keith taking fucking money from Big Potato Chip. Yeah, that's very on brand. State Rep Thomas Grossman sentenced to 15 years in prison for attacking a political rival with a sword. Or Senator Connor McWilliams resigned in disgrace after being outed as a member of a white nationalist group. He got all three of us. That's great. That's very funny.

Wait, who was the person's name? Joseph Thor. I think that's a Joe Dash comic. Oh, 40 on the curb. And he fucked a dude. Yeah. Oh, man. They're definitely all real.

Jesus Christ, what an incredibly, like, meta fucking round that is. Yeah, that's interesting. Unless it's all fake. Even then, it's still well done, but I think they're all real. Those are all real.

Definitely. You guys all did all those things. Oh, yeah. These are all code names. This is our life after we were described. If this is your second life, you're like, I got another shot. I'm going to become a podcaster.

Like a good one? No. Yeah, I'm just out of making a wish. I've got to go away. It's all real or I'll fake it. Oh, sorry. And that, that, my friends, that is why. I'm at all real.

I'm so glad. I need everyone who listens to this show to just tweet the phrase, that is why, to Tom every day for the rest of his life. I want him to have a thousand that is whys in his fucking mentions the second this episode drops. You stupid asshole. And that, that, my friends, is why in his fucking mentions the second this episode drops. You stupid asshole. And that, that, my friends, is why. You picture like a,

not why, blah, blah, blah, just that is why. That's like his catchphrase at the end of some like fluff piece at the end of the news. Like, and now, like an Andy Rooney type thing with Tom

where he has some, that is why, with Tom Gartner. That is why. Tom sitting at the news anchor desk. Good night and good morning. Oh, shit. Anyway, those are all fake.

Those are definitely all fake. That was all a joke about us. Thank you, Death to the Filth, for another great game. Sorry I couldn't read it very well. Once we get the DNA test back, we could find out that Connor McWilliams is a member of a white nationalist group. That's true. Right? Or could be the leader of one.

I'm white knuckling it. I haven't done it yet. But, I mean, I've definitely, I've looked at the applications. Just kidding. It's kind of weird. They don't have applications. You can just go there. And that is why.

I just discovered, like, a white power social media network. It's like alt-right Twitter. It's called Gap, and it's got a frog logo. And, like, Milo's on there, and everybody's on there. It's wild. I don't even know about this whole fucking subculture. I found an alt-right Twitter, too. It's called Twitter.

Yeah. I know, but this one is, like... I thought that's what Reddit and 4chan were and all that shit. No, 4chan is just a place for people that don't know anything about cryptocurrency to give each other investment advice using pictures of MS Paint white guys. I used to love 4chan so much because it was where I found funny cartoons and weird porn, and now it's like a Nazi thing. It's not a...

It's Nazi adjacent. I mean, sure. Look at it this way. If it's not not a Nazi thing, it's kind of a Nazi thing. Either definitely not or for sure yes. I go on there occasionally just to check in with my old life. But anyway, that is it. We'll be right back with the mailbag.

If you're a mom, there's no such thing as a day off. Soccer practices, birthday parties, piano recitals. It's a 24-hour-a-day job. That's why Tide is here to make your day a little easier with new Tide Pods. Tide Pods are self-contained units with double the cleaning power of regular Tide. No more messy detergent spills. Just pop a Tide Pod into your washer and it takes care of the rest. Look, we're going to level with you. We made these things to kill kids. You think they look that delicious on accident? Shit no. We pumped that thing full of chemical nonsense

until it looked like a fruit snack. Seriously, we lab tested it for maximum enticement potential. Do you know how many rats we killed getting this right? Like so many rats. An impossible amount of rats. Like, picture as many rats as you can think of and it's double that.

The Tide Pod is a perfect get-out-of-parenthood-free card, scientifically proven to drop even the most rough and tumble tot. And why do we do this? Because we love moms. Some of our top scientists are mom. And that's why we here at Tide understand what a quiet hell the life of a mother truly is. Ask yourself this, Cheryl. Did you expect to feel this old in your 30s?

Your hair's already falling out. You noticed. Your husband noticed. Tide noticed. And for what? To make another person? Yeah, that's what we need. More fucking people. I know, this seems harsh. And we're not saying all children deserve to die. Just yours. That's right, Cheryl. We're Tide.

We have eyes everywhere. And we've seen Dylan. Dylan. That little shit-eating grin with those Kool-Aid lips, even when he hasn't even drunk Kool-Aid. That shrill little voice screaming the plot of Harry Potter in your ear when all you want to do is drink a glass of wine and take a bath with a cucumber and a picture of Patrick Dempsey. The fucking audacity of him demanding something called a birthday week while you work two jobs. It doesn't have to be this way. This is your out. Just leave him unattended

and let baby fuckface go to town on a mouthful of bleach. It's not your fault they look so appealing. No court in the land's going to convict you. You can claim ignorance. You can blame us. We can take the hit. Sure, we're going to have to spin it in PR, but hey, baby, we're tied. It all comes out in the wash. Or, you know, don't.

The choice is yours. If you tell anybody what you heard here, they're not going to believe you. And if they do, we'll scrub them out. Take our gift to you, Cheryl. Rid the world of the mess you have made. Tide Pods. Making every day shine a little brighter. And the Mean Boys podcast is back.

To answer some of your questions in the Mean Boys mailbag with a very beleaguered Brett Erickson who has signed up for two and a half hours of inane podcasting. This is really unbelievable. It reminds me of the time when I was in radio And I did a radiothon for kids with cancer That lasted 48 hours It's kind of like that

Holy shit, how much of that did you have to talk for? Almost all of it And almost all of them Man, that fucking sucks Did you sleep at all? Did you keep the money then? Yes, we scammed people and took the money for kids with cancer. No, it was the whole radio station, so we just rotated.

Oh, nice. That's fun. That's cool. Isn't 48 hours of radio just the radio? The radio. Yeah, that's just what the radio does? But it was dedicated. It was all money-making.

That's cool. You guys know. I'm explaining to you what a radiothon is. That Jerry Lewis stuff. You was all money-making. Yeah. That's cool. You guys know. I mean, it's way too good a radiothon. The Jerry Lewis stuff. You don't know. Right. We should do a Mean Boys-a-thon for something. What if it was just to raise money for us?

Yeah, we did Snark Week. I forgot we already did that. We did a podcast today for seven days. That was a bad move. Well, we did two podcasts. We'll talk about that

because somebody we know is planning something like this. Okay, yeah. So anyway, Crespo2095, right, what happened to Connor sharing more of his comedy songs? I only created so many comedy songs as a teenager. Somebody we know is planning something like this. Oh, okay. Yeah. So anyway, Crespo2095, right? What happened to Connor sharing more of his comedy songs?

I only created so many comedy songs as a teenager, and I'm kind of out of them. But I might have a couple more. They're pretty bad. The ones left are pretty horrible, which might make them the funniest. You got a comedy song on the last episode, though. Did I? Well, no. I mean, I'm talking to Crespo because we didn't start the fire. Oh, yeah, yeah.

Did you have a time in your life when that was going to be your calling? Comedy, song? Yeah, I saw the Tenacious D TV show and I was like, what if I just steal this idea? I was like 13 and I was like, well, I could play guitar. I couldn't.

And I just wrote shitty songs about Bigfoot and just everything Tenacious D already wrote a song about. I had a song about hemorrhoids and shit like that. We're foreshadowing a very long voicemail we got. Ethan D. Lawrence writes, Can you guys remember your very first stand-up gig?

How did it go? I remember my first show, my first book show, was at a bar in Orange County. I went with my grandma for some reason because she was in town. I bombed. Then the next three comics just sexually harassed my grandma for a while and it killed.

So they just kept doing it. That's fantastic. Yeah, Vince Royale just asked my grandma if she liked to get fucked in the butt. That was a fun one. To the point where my grandma was like... Yeah, but did she? Do you like to get fucked in the butt, though?

It's not a hard question. Here's the thing. It was a no comment, but I was like, I wish she would have said no. No, yeah, that's a comment. Now I'm like, oh, probably. Probably sometimes. Every once in a while. You don't get to 70 and not get fucked in the thing. It was a no comment, but I was like, I wish she would have said no. No, yeah. That's a comment. Now I'm like, oh, probably. Probably sometimes.

Every once in a while. You don't get to 70 and not get fucked in the butt once. Keith's grandma, for sure. No, I have a very fancy grandma. Yeah. A fancy Samoan grandma back in the eyes. I have a fancy anal grandma. And that is why.

It is gross. My first set was at Flapper's Claremont in this like 6 p.m. audition thing. And I went up and I got exactly one laugh from the sound tech, O'Nelly, who I still know to this day. And I got only one laugh. And I found out I had to be clean. So that cut out about a 90-second bit about porn titles. I remember that joke. Yeah, then I was very much done.

But yeah, I did a bit about – it's still kind of funny. It was about – I saw porn and the title of it was Hot Blonde Fucked With Vigor, which is what English major was uploading the porn. Like, oh, yes, I say cracking good pussy. Like that was the whole joke. And then they're like, you got to be clean. And I was like, okay, I have like 10 seconds about my dad. And then I'm fucked. Tom?

My first time was at a Buddhist talent show in front of like 400 people. I was 14. And I fucking crushed talking about Buddhist shit and drugs. And that was, it's been pretty rough ever since. A Buddhist talent show. I was Buddhist. I was born and grew up. So it's like a church.

You were like churchy, but Buddhist churchy. It was... They rented out a conference. They had a conference, and they rented out a college during the summer. And then there was kids from all over North America and Jamaica and shit. Yeah, you know, the two main places where people come from north america and jamaica yeah you could have just said the world but you're like let me go to north america jamaica you know

all the all the power players of buddhism yeah yeah you know and then uh yeah i was that was just awesome that day. Complete hack. That right there is one. Brett, so it was like in 1975 in like a VFW house. Showing my dick to Betty Ford, right? Absolutely, yeah. I started out when Carlin was still doing the hippy-dippy weatherman. No, I did a contest in the 90s, but I was already on the radio.

So I talked. Oh, dude, that's so great because everybody hates those guys. Oh, when the radio DJ wants to do five about eating pussy? Well, that was it. That's when I realized that, oh, shit, I need to be way funnier. That got me way funnier. I did the contest, but then I started hosting at the club just as an aside. And I'm like being on stage and doing jokes every week.

You know, like, oh, it turns out DJ is really not really anything. It's really fucking stupid. That's awesome. Yeah, it turns out when I can't fall back on the smooth singing of the four tops, this is kind of tough. All right. Some dude with a weird hand writes, what are the odds that you'd agree to a soup eating contest slash claymation marathon as a Patreon goal? We've already discussed it. Yeah.

So, Tom, if we reach a certain goal, I have to eat soup and you have to watch a bunch of Christmas movies in a row. In a row? You don't like Christmas movies? Tom is afraid of claymation. I don't have any phobias, but it does make me. You don't want to throw up? Yeah, like I want to throw up and my stomach gets all knotty and shit. What you're describing is a phobia.

Getting panicky. It's not that I'm afraid. I can watch it. It just isn't pleasant physically. I'm a big boy. I'm not afraid of clay. I've eaten a lot of clay in my life. I'm mostly clay.

Yeah. Well, they asked if I would do something scary too, right? Yeah, I don't know what Keith could do. Fuck with the condom. Fuck not. No! My powers! Keith has to eat a cucumber,

and he doesn't even get to put it in his butt first. I'll touch a frog. Frogs are my thing. You're afraid of... I've told the story of the frog phobia on the show before, haven't I? I don't think so. Oh, man. So when I was a kid, my dad had like...

He was like a fucking lizard guy. He was like one of those reptile people. And he like. Your dad was a senator? He lived in the moon. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, he had a fucking deep sea base. But no, yeah, he had like all these weird reptiles and shit.

And then he got this big frog, this big fucking toad ass frog. And I hate frogs. And then we went and got baby mice one day. And I thought we were just going to have mice. And you thought that he had an action figure of you? I don't know where this is going. He makes you eat the mice. He makes me eat the mice? You give shit? No.

That is not why. Silence yourself. It is what? No, he makes me feed the baby mice to this fucking frog and it was brutal. And then they moved the frog to my bathroom for some reason. So then every time I pee, I'm looking at this frog and the frog is just like, what's up? It's just staring at me. And I realized that my little

kid dick kind of looks like a baby mouse because it's little and pink and wiggly. So I was afraid the frog was going to try to eat my dick. Damn. So I'll touch a frog if we get this money. Okay. This reminds me of a story. My friend from high school that's not transgender. So my friend from high school

that's transgender, he was in his bedroom and a bird flew in and started attacking his crotch, which is just like a weird sign from God that this is not working out. Oh, sorry, I didn't mean to give you that. I'll get it out of there. Yeah, and then two years later. All right, we got some voicemails here.

Let's take a listen. Hey, guys, I just wanted to point out that Connor sounds exactly like comedian Stephen Wright when he's sick. Which I can't tell if that's amazing or horrifying. And then I was going to write a review on iTunes. Everybody sounds like Stephen Wright when they're sick. Yeah. I think Stephen Wright has AIDS. That's why he's in my death pool.

I've picked him. And he's had AIDS for so long, that's why he's been so funny this whole time sounding like that he's always sounding like that they call it AIDS he's got a nose full of AIDS it's not helping me too much sorry Steven

you're great I hope you get well soon get well soon get well soon just had quotes that said he hit a bitch right which is all you need to know

about mean boys that's Tom about Chris Brown he does great work an HR manager and I love his show so I don't again know if that's awesome or horrifying right, which is all you need to know about Mean Boys. That's Tom, about Chris Brown. He does great work. An HR manager, and I love his show, so I don't again know if that's awesome or horrifying. You guys have a good day. I'm going to go horrifying. Yeah, you need to not

be listening to this show at work. Yeah, that's a very bad move for you. Did he say HR? Yeah. Yeah, he's the one who's supposed to help people who listen to this show. Yeah. You know, he's there for them, right? You're supposed to like, mandatorily... You report,

someone's listening to Mean Boys podcast and then somebody else reports that person to the HR person. Yeah, show me on the doll where Tom's brain touched you. Ignore them.

Don't let them change you. Keep listening to the show. And that is why. No. Mean Boys, team boys. Big fan. That's the first girl. Jocelyn Sharp.

I wanted to ask you guys a question. Mary Fuck Hill, Ramsey Bedali, Kyle Clark, and Opie. Keep up the good work, guys. Can't wait to see you soon. Thank you, Jocelyn.

We're doing some gigs together soon. I'll tell you in a minute. But yeah, marry, fuck, kill. Kyle, Clark, Ramsey, and Opie. Now, Brett, these people are all going to be irrelevant to you. I would definitely fuck all three of those people. I wouldn't be able to choose. I'd marry Kyle, fuck Ramsey, kill Opie.

I see. I think I would probably fuck Kyle. I would marry Ramsey, and unfortunately, I'd have to kill Opie. Don't let Opie go. Oh, God, if you kill Opie, I think we're in the clan. Like, because Kyle is fluffy enough where I could probably just close my eyes and think about him being a girl. Nah. Because you know he'd be talking a lot.

Ooh. This reminds me of that episode of Fraggle Rock. Not now, Kyle! I'll marry Kyle. Fuck Opie. I think I can get on some shows that way. And then... Oh, my God.

Kill Ramsey because I feel like he'd appreciate the most. I think I would be happy in a marriage with Ramsey. I think Ramsey would be horribly unhappy. Yeah. Oh, yeah. I'd be married to Kyle if he was at all into it, probably. Yeah, you guys are very cute together. All right, here we go. Yeah, you guys are very cute together.

All right, here we go. Hey, Mean Boys. I've been listening for a while, and I love what you're doing. I just wanted to let you guys know you have helped me rediscover one of my greatest joys in life. And that is King of the Hill. My buddy is kind of wasted, and he wants to say something. Hi, Mean Boys. I love you guys.

Just come to Pittsburgh. Yeah, come to Pittsburgh. It's really, really great. Suck his dick. Yeah, so you can suck that guy's dick if you go to Pittsburgh. King of the Hill. I do love that these guys... Okay, here's a big night in Pittsburgh.

We're going to get drunk and call the Mean Boys. All right, can we... We're going to Pittsburgh, and call the mean boys. Alright, can we... We're going to Pittsburgh, by the way. Was that... Let's be real. Do you guys think that was one person or two people? He's pretending to be his own friend? I think so. Hey, how you doing, man? I'm the other guy. Hey, what's going on? I'm working on an improv class where

we're doing characters and I just wanted to say that I'll suck your dick or whatever. I bet when he threw to his friend, he thought he was doing like a King of the Hill impression. He thinks that was a Flum as Bobby or something. Oh, hey, Dad. It's a podcast about ISIS. Can I have tickets, please? Oh, dang.

I've got that old blood feast. Do that, Mark. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Lenore. Hills. I don't know. Yeah, hills. Always talking about hills.

Thank you, King of the Hills Have Eyes. And finally, we've got a three-minute very important message from one of our listeners. This is important. This is a not-so-funny voicemail from your listener, Nick Shade. I wanted to call to let you all know that I am concerned for your butthole. He said two weeks ago, Connor gave some very scary attempt at remediation, I guess you could call it, for his hemorrhoid

by squeezing it, and I would never recommend that. Then this last week, Tom said he was shitting blood. I think every man goes through that, at least in one point in his life, and some men more than others. But I want to let you all know, don't ever squeeze a hemorrhoid.

The correct way to treat it is to go to a doctor. The process is a pretty gross one, and you can look it up. No, thanks. It's called banding a hemorrhoid. It is available to the hemorrhoids that are most commonly found inside of your anus. Why is this happening? Why does he know so much? It seems like now he's reading it. Doing that work on the exterior of your anus.

Make sure you clean before you go. Stop using technical terms, man. You know, hey, they're getting paid to do the job, right? And the dirty work. But just so you know, if you want to know what that process is like, if you've ever been told by a mother or a concerned grandmother when you've had a rubber band around your finger, Tom, they always are concerned you're going to lose your finger. He's written up hemorrhoid care copy.

Well, that's exactly how banding a hemorrhoid works. They take basically a finger-like device that looks like a dildo. They put a rubber band around it. It's a little bit narrower at first than the hemorrhoid in question. They put it right up to the tip of that little stalagmite, or polyp as it's called, and then very gently slide it to the tip. This guy couldn't think of anything else to do with it.

It's space. It does it. Tight. Complete the circle. And that is why. Can I give you a... If you don't want to go through that procedure... Brett is furious at how much of this there is. It's only five more minutes, guys.

Oh, I thought I'd take a bath and not wash my hemorrhoid ass. The block, getting as much walking physical exercise that helps alleviate all that. Get yourself back to health, but don't ever try and squeeze in your butt. It will happen to you. You'll shit blood for weeks. All right, have a great day.

How? How can we Have a great day, Dad. How? How can we have a great day now? Dude, fucking... Thanks, scary dad. The butt doctor is in. Can I just tell you something as a 50-year-old man who's done comedy for almost 20 years, road comedy, so I know about hemorrhoids.

I treat them just by shrinking them, right? You just shrink them. You get a shrink ray. They're not... Well, I mean, you just... You can use like a witch hazel, like a natural, like a hemorrhoid pad for cleanup.

But recently, I have purchased a bidet that you can add to your toilet. It's $30 on Amazon. It hooks right up. It takes five minutes to hook up. And then there's just a little dial and it just splashes water onto your butthole after you poop. It has changed my life

because it does... I'm even doing a stupid bit about it, but it's like, why aren't we using water in this process before this? It makes the most sense. They'd be splashing water on there before you just start scratching around with some paper. It makes everything so much easier.

And my problems in that area have been reduced by probably 80 to 90%. Nice. So you still might have issues, but it's not like it's going to be. And it's so much better. You use so much less toilet paper. So much. It really is amazing. And Dr. Brad is going to be in the studio for another hour.

We're taking your calls for all your butthole cleanliness issues. I want to debate this guy who called in. That would be a fun. And the bidet keeps your butt cleaner. And that, my friend, that is why. How much is a bidet? $30. And have a great bidet.

Very well done. Guys, that's the podcast For this week Holy shit Thanks for joining us You got anything You want to plug I'm doing sketch fest On Thursday

This probably won't be out By then This will be out Thursday morning Okay Tonight Yeah I'm doing sketch fest

And then I'm doing I'm doing roast battle In February Nice Who you up against Josh Waldron Ooh Get him.

So around here. The two most opposite men I can think of. I'm doing some shows back in the Midwest. I'm doing a North Bar in Chicago on February 7th. Ooh. We might be going there soon. Oh, that's a great place. Yeah.

That's a lot of fun. I recommend going there. So yeah. If you're a Chicago people, come see me there. Nice. Cool. Tommy Goss? Yeah. Go to going there. So yeah, if you're a Chicago people, come see me there. Nice. Cool. Tommy Goss? Yeah, go to my show two days ago.

Thank you. It's been a slow month for me. Back in Arizona, had a lot of comedy off Main Street. In Mesa, the 23rd and 24th of February, get tickets for that. And I'm going to be in Oklahoma the 8th, 9th, and 10th. More details for that on my Facebook, Twitter website. Just don't have the energy to look it up right now. Yeah.

What do I got? You know, fuck my calendar's being weird. You know where to find me? At Keith Tell Jokes on the social media. I post on my shows. Can I plug one more thing? Yeah. Yeah.

Since I don't do a podcast, this is what I do with my spare time, is I have a parody website. Oh, yeah. This shit is really funny. Oh, yeah. This a parody website. Oh, yeah. This shit is really funny. Oh, it's funny. Oh, thanks. It's called Brett Bart and it's a parody of Breitbart.

So it's at brettbart.net. It's on Twitter and Facebook too so you can get there through that. Nice. Yeah. That's right up the Mean Boys alley. Yeah, go check out Brett Bart. Fuck everything.

That is wise.