Mean Boys - EP 107 - The Special Times (feat. Toby Muresianu)

Episode Date: January 30, 2018

Support the show on Patreon: www.patreon.com/meanboys This week’s segments include “Mexican Joke Off”, "Churchill or Celine" by Cali Velazquez, “Mean Boys: Chopped”, "50 Shades of Gash" and a game of "Which of the Following" with sexual European towns by Alex Black. Listen to Toby's podcast: https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/unsafe-space/id1029391562?mt=2 Get on the email list and fill out our 2018 tour survey to help us plan our big dumb adventure: goo.gl/forms/DKxdxTPtzebqYFPG3 Subscribe to our YouTube channel: www.youtube.com/channel/UC0hvkj7TOPzMdJbKIh1L_hw Shop Sudio headphones and use promo code "MEANBOYS15" for 15% off all purchases: goo.gl/JWBAJK Contribute to the Mean Boys wiki: mean-boys.wikia.com/wiki/Mean_Boys_Wiki Send us an email at [e-mail] or leave us a voicemail at [phone] We are proudly sponsored by Don Carlo's Taco Shop in La Jolla California (www.eataburrito.com) Follow our guest Toby Muresianu on Twitter: twitter.com/tobymuresianu Follow the show on Twitter: twitter.com/meanboyspodcast Follow Keith on Twitter: twitter.com/keithtellsjokes Follow Connor on Twitter: twitter.com/connormcspadden Follow Tom on Twitter: twitter.com/gossgoss6 Visit us on the web: www.meanboyspodcast.com Like us on Facebook: www.facebook.com/meanboyspodcast Follow us on Instagram: instagram.com/meanboyspodcast Follow us on Soundcloud: @meanboyspodcast Theme: I’ve Seen Footage by Death Grips (itunes.apple.com/us/album/the-mon…tore/id515449028) Buy Keith’s album (itunes.apple.com/us/album/forever-nap/id1105182043) Podcast logo by Luis Galvez: twitter.com/luiagal Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey everybody, welcome to the Mewboys podcast. How's it going guys? Got a wonderful episode for you this week with Toby Murashanu. Toby! A guy who we've wanted to book for a long time, but he's very forgettable. But you should listen to his podcast called Toby Talks About Politics The Marshmallow Man.

In a very reasonable, uninteresting way. The podcast. He's both very smart and infuriatingly even-headed. Yeah. Super nice dude. Follow him on all the social medias. He's linked in the show notes. Yeah, Toby's great. That was a good time.

Leave us a review on iTunes. Thank you. It's been picking up again. We're at 171. Let's just get to 200. Let's be a 200 review podcast now. When we get there, I think that's when we really have to get into MMA, where we could be audited by the podcast bureau for not understanding. Keith knows about karate. We're off to a good start. Tom got very

offended that we say that he does karate even though it's like fucking Muay Thai. Tom has spent 95% of the previous several months explaining martial arts in painstaking detail while I attempt to understand or care. And the other 5% deciding to be a professional rollerblader.

Keith's eyes try to look at what's going on in the back of his head. An aggressive inline skater. We'll get into this later. A little bit of foreshadowing, but Tom is thinking about changing careers to the most logical path, which is a combination of acrobats and rolling movement. Two things that, I mean, looking at him, how could he be bad at that? Yeah, you look at this squat man and you're like, oh, wait, he should fly. Yeah.

So this review comes to us from the Please Don't Come Back Kid. He writes, soup, bisexual, claymation. This podcast does everything. When I'm not calling the suicide hotline, I like to hop over to the Internet and give the mean boys a listen. Thanks, pal. And, guys, it's real easy. It just takes a second.

Help us look legitimate. And keep supporting us on Patreon. A bunch of big donors have been dropping out, so we desperately need your money to fix our horrible studio. Our studio right now looks worse than it ever has, although I see the potential in it. We're going to be having a video very soon and all that stuff. Yeah, we're relocating and we're building a new studio so we can do a lot more fun shit for you guys. But yeah, if you can spare some for the Patreon, it really would help us put this thing together we have a lot of big plans yeah totally uh this month we're giving away keith is the fucking fat or something the magnet uh and uh got a megaton t-shirt yeah and uh we got a whole

bunch of other fucking fun merchandise on there there's weekly bonus contents that's often just as fun if not funner than the the actual show yeah gives you a little peek behind the curtain and uh we do dumb shit like songs and improv, and it's real bad, but it's good. We literally have a curtain now. We do have a curtain, yeah. Yeah. We're stepping up.

Moving on up. Also, tour dates are almost all locked in, and we're going to be announcing those very soon. So if you haven't already, please jump on that email list. You'll be the first to know and be able to get tickets. We're coming to see you.

We're coming to see you, mean boys. Bum, bum, bum. All over America. This is going to be insane. It's going to be you, you mean boys. Bum, bum, bum. All over America. This is going to be insane. Very good time. Yeah, we got some fun ass shit planned. We never mentioned it.

Someone's going to get arrested. Yeah, probably me, shockingly. I think it's going to be me. I'm going to be peeing behind a preschool and then we're going to have a whole fucking fundraising

thing to do afterwards. No, Tom is going to jail in New York City. That is happening. Yeah, that's true. I believe that 100%. Oh, subscribe to our YouTube channel. The video's going to be going up there shortly when we is happening. Yeah, that's true. I believe that 100%. Oh, subscribe to our YouTube channel. The video's going to be going up there shortly

when we get all the cameras and shit in here. And yeah, help us look good. Make that number bigger for their fucking fascist algorithm. Yeah, algorithmic overlords. On Twitter, we say hi to everybody. I'll write you back. We always do that. Follow us there. And

enjoy this week's episode with Toby Murashanu, the host of the Toby blah, blah, blah program NPR for people who are allergic to milk, the podcast. I heard it's pretty good. I bet it's great. I'm sorry. I've been so mean to Toby. Oh, I thought you meant milk. Oh, that too.

That's okay. I have mixed feelings. Here's the podcast, for the love of god hey everybody welcome to the mean boys podcast if you fart during a blow job you have to go back to high school for a semester. I'm Connor McSpadden. I'm Keith Carey. I'm Toby Maraschano.

And I am... Food stamp Zangief. Oh! Is that a sushi? What is Zangief? I've explained this reference to you several times this week. Tom has recently re-mohawked and he looks like Zangief from Street Fighter. He's the big Russian guy.

Oh. Yeah, yeah. You know what you look like. Yeah. You look like a big Russian guy in general general i just don't know zhangief but uh yeah i mean it sounds like a food i won't eat yeah it sounds like any food yeah any non-pizza piece of carbon like all right i'm gonna call frog raw or whatever the fuck yeah there's zhangief oh i like his scars shockingly that's not actually a picture of you. So there we are.

Is that who Rocky fought in the third one? Yes. That's wrong on every level. You're thinking of Ivan Drago, and you're thinking of Rocky IV. No, don't correct him. He's close. This is good for Tom. We've agreed we're going to start grading on a curve with him.

I play verbal horseshoes. That's exactly what you do. And as your parents, we're proud of you. Thank you. I just want people to know that I like that Street Fighter joke so much, I pump my fist repeatedly in the background. Awkwardly twisting in a way a human body doesn't. Have you seen the Street Fighter movie?

No, I haven't. It's a terrible movie, but the last shot is so fucking funny because they have all the characters there, and they try so hard to all do their I won pose or whatever, and it looks the most retarded anything has ever looked. Fucking Toby joins us in the studio. Thank you for coming in, Tobedog. My pleasure, man.

What do we know, Toby, from Roast Battle? Yeah. We did the TV show, and he smoked one cigarette and got hammered. Correlation does not mean causation. Party Toby, man. And became Party Toby. He's like Bigfoot. You catch a glimpse of rock and roll Toby

every once in a while. It's very exciting. You are like the most straight-laced dude and then you hitting the tall boy and just smoking on that patio was the weirdest shit ever. It was like seeing your teacher at the grocery store.

Exactly. Was I not there for that or was I too hammered to remember this? Both, probably. It was for the preliminaries. He might not have... Oh, I wasn't there.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, and fucking... Yeah, Toby's girlfriend drove us home. And then he was like passed out in the backseat. Oh, yeah. She told me about that.

I love that it's not I remember that. It sounds like a cucking scenario, but it was very platonic. But then I was like, no, this was another time and and I was battling you, and I was like, Toby's gone. Can I run some Toby jokes by you? And she was like, yeah, sure. So I got some good close-to-home feedback.

A traitor in my own midst. All right, guys. I didn't know you had a girlfriend. I do. You've met her several times. I have? Yeah, she's been to Norm's. Oh.

Yeah, you know that girl that you didn't recognize? It's that one. That's all of the girls, Keith. You have place to blind us just for girls? Oh, no, it's all the guys too. It's just like a blank slate that just says woman on it. Times a new Roman. Yeah, yeah. Well, that's

what I feel like about all the girls on Survivor where it was just the same blonde woman 50 times every season. Yeah, they just changed the color of the sports bra exactly yeah yeah anyway uh everybody's uh tired and hot uh let's get into the mexican joke off guys hell yeah let's do it uh the sounding pistol for the mexican joke the new studio is officially christened now are you are you glad you finally made it on after 106 episodes are you glad it's this one where we just moved to the studio and nothing works welcome to fucking dirt town yeah it feels like one of those like movies where the guy wakes up in like a mexican hotel room oh yeah yeah yeah this is your

surroundings right before you realize you're down a kidney i always described as it as like a Uganda field hospital when Keith used to sleep in here, where it's just like, oh, someone's being treated for malaria with very unactively behind those curtains. Let that take it. A bunch of people had sex in this room. What? Really? When it looked like this. And that was just Keith masturbating, but we go by volume.

This looks like a room the cartels would execute someone in. Oh, for sure. Oh, for sure. Yeah. We're putting it in here so we can do podcast video stuff, and it's like, we shouldn't be a room the cartels would execute someone in oh for sure yeah like this is nobody should we're putting it in here so we can do podcast video stuff and it's like we shouldn't be filming anything but a hostage like yeah i'm having like flashbacks to that film sicario right now it's pretty yeah what's that it's a movie uh involving the cartel oh cool hell yeah it's a good movie

thanks bro some chicks in it she's good i don't know her name either. It's Toby's girlfriend, actually. A lot of people don't know. She's on Survivor. I like that Connor asked you a genuine question, and you sort of flinched back like a frightened animal because you weren't sure if he was about to shit on you or not. Sorry. That's exactly what was going on. Thank you.

Sorry. Let me make the mood right. You're fat and retarded. Can we begin? Go, Sicario. Is that a Pokemon that you're... Sicario's my favorite Street Fighter character. I choose you, I guess.

We should explain what Toby... Toby looks exactly like how he sounds. Yeah. I think if you're listening at home, if it comes up... Do I sound like Connor? Yeah, he does look like the Connor that actually stayed in college. No, I think you kind of look like me if they put a little bit of alcohol in my tank in the Brave New World incubator. You know, just a little shorter.

You know, I could see that. I could see that. You look the most employed out of all of us. I am the most employed. Yeah, we all have negative a job. Great guesser. You have an employer. You fucked up, man.

Welcome to Mean Poison. You're about to get doxxed by a bunch of Canadian bronies and lose everything. I'm just stalling because I want someone else to do the first joke because I wrote all mine in traffic. I'll do the first joke. I'll take the bullet for you. Thank you. All right.

Let's do this one. The 70s rock band Foghat has begun selling a line of condoms named after their hit song Slow Ride. In related news, the estate of Johnny Cash is offering their own contraceptive, the Nuva Ring of Fire. That's fun. It's the second Johnny Cash cum joke we've had this month. Oh, really? Well, we did homophobic Johnny Cash

on the Patreon. Yeah, that's what I'm thinking. Okay. Vince McMahon says that in the XFL, players will be required to stand for the anthem. However, the anthem will be Kid Rock's American Badass, and the flag will just say Rockstar Energy. Yeah, man. When we saw Green Day

and they fucking played in front of a Rockstar Energy drink banner, that broke my heart. He's like, we don't need these corrupt corporations. And it's like, oh, you don't? Okay, who's paying for the stage, Billy Joe? Yeah, it's hard to fight the government when I can see people lined up to get into the Chase Platinum preferred member lounge.

Oh, yeah, yeah. Totally. Entourage star Jeremy Piven has been accused of sexual assault by three new women. No sign yet if the assault was rape, molesting, or making them watch Entourage. Hey, that is a hot Entourage takedown, Tom. You should be proud of yourself.

Very, yes. Your turn, Kyle. Have you ever seen an episode of Entourage? I saw it three minutes and it hurt. I feel like everybody's mics are going out at different parts here. This is... Hey! There you go. Oh, shit.

There he is. There's Tom. Wow. Sounds crazy. Yeah, okay. Wait. Yeah, I fucked it up. We're good.

All right. Sorry. We'll edit that out, listening audience. I thought I had some good points in that. Yeah, Tom. Tom made perfect sense for the three minutes when his mic was off. And that's why I installed a sneeze button. I was just like, just in case Tom starts to fuck up his whole character,

a.k.a. my business plan. Wait, sneeze or snooze? There's something in radio that's called a cough button, usually, where you press it if you have to cough. If you go to a radio studio, they'll have a cough button so you can cough. That's really cool. And it's back to regular talk. The sound was popping in and out and I was just like...

Anyway. What's good is I'm not going to be able to get to my money back with this joke. Because of a legal loophole, Russia has been accidentally forced to recognize gay marriage. The discovery was made after Vladimir Putin looked at someone making an okay sign with their fingers on their thigh. That meant you're gay, right?

That was what that was about? It just meant you were going to get punched. I didn't know if it was gay. I thought it was like, well, you're looking clearly near my dick. That makes you gay. And what happens to gay people? We punch them. Everything like that in school always had an undercurrent of also you're gay.

Like, even if it wasn't necessarily about being gay, that was like always the subtext. Yeah, that's a good point. Well, what we had to do was you would try to put your finger through the OK sign, and if you got it there before they reacted, then it was reversed. This was at the Pemberton Academy for Precocious Mice, where you studied. God damn it. Well, you had to fuck the OK sign to get it to go away? Well, you had to finger it.

Yeah, you multiply gay by super gay, and then that adds up to not getting hit. You know who thought of this? A gay guy. He was just like, ooh, I'm going to get groped on my thigh. It was brilliant. You guys have doorknob where you fart, and then you've got to say doorknob or people punch you until you touch a doorknob? Yeah. People were very litigious in my neighborhood.

Track housing. Every house had a handle, so you had to go back inside your house while a bunch of sweaty boys punched you in front of your mom and then touch a doorknob. Which sounds super gay. I just would punch them back harder. I got beat up by a bunch of sweaty boys for what my

butthole did, is one of the gayer sentences. I know, yeah. I didn't come up with the system, dude. I was just a victim of it. Stop shaming me. And never so again, you just punch them hard and they're punching you, they stop punching you. And you don't have to travel as far as touching a doorknob. You're missing the spirit.

That's like 105 pounds. I am not about spirit. I fucking hate spirit. You're kind of missing the spirit of my experience. Fuck spirit. Except for American spirits. I like American spirits. Great. Cool. Ghosts, airlines, all that. I like American spirits. Great. Cool. Ghosts, airlines, all that. I'm on board.

All right. I'll do the next joke. A group of Polish neo-Nazis were caught on hidden camera having a birthday party for Hitler in the woods. When asked for comment, German Chancellor Angela Merkel said, quote, his birthday is in April, you dumb fucking Polacks. That's fun. Just saying. Don't do something stupid if you're Polish. You're already leaning into the stereotype. Is that the Pol Just saying, don't do something stupid if you're Polish.

You're already leaning into the stereotype. Is that the Polack thing, that they're dumb? Yeah. Okay. Yeah. I was just tweeting something about Poland recently. This could be my next joke. Wow, this is so... Poland...

Well, funny thing about Poland, not funny so much as informative. Speaking of the former Austro-Hungarian empire. A little bit of a historical curio. I like that you had something to contribute where we were like, fuck you to death. No, everything Toby says is the subtext, did you know? What about Poland? They actually made it recently.

They're making it illegal to blame Poland for the Holocaust. What? And just an attempt to take one last thing from Jewish people there. That's nice. I feel like that would be Germany's move. Wait, what? What, 1, 2, 3, not it? Yeah, just make it illegal to blame us. If you can just make that law. Who are they going to blame?

Haha, you're fucking New Zealand's problem now. I don't know. Historically, I'd guess the Jews. False flag, man. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, just if I was going to make a, you know, just an educated guess. All right, Tom. Studies have shown parents who provide alcohol to teens actually increase the likelihood of those children binge drinking.

Studies on doing meth with your child, however, result in most of them starting their own podcast in the kitchen what what an unnecessary study like did you know if you get your kid drunk your kid will be drunk it took that study six fucking years uh and that's australian science for you let's drink this vodka and then call it science that's always the thing it's like i don't care if you drink you just do it in our house. And you're like, what? That just means they're going to die in your house. My friend's mom was that way. Then she went to prison for raping a bunch of kids. So I guess, yeah,

it's false. This is where Tom's body issues come from. He's like, why not me? Come on. What the hell? I was a cute kid. Nah, I'm good without that puss. Yeah. Did you ever feel bad that you weren't cute enough to be raped? More confused. Nah, I'm good without that puss. Yeah. But did you ever feel bad that you weren't cute enough to be raped?

More confused. Okay. I mean, I get it. This show is dedicated to Toby's old job that he used to have. Dude, I'm all over the place. I'm stressed out

about these audio levels. I'm sorry if I come in from a little... It sounds good right now. It sounds fine, dude. Everyone feel free to talk over me or call me gay or whatever. It's implied. You're gay. Alright, guys. You're gay. And that's okay.

Then you're gay. But not for Keith. Of my much speculated upon sexuality, Tom once said, how do I put this? I think if you're gay, you don't know it yet. Which is one of the better takes I've ever heard.

In entertainment news, Reba McEntire is the new Colonel Sanders because we accept the black James Bonds we think we deserve. All right. It's kind of a joke. It's a little New Yorker, Connor. Again, wrote it in the car. Yeah, I actually have a similar joke. KFC debuted a new female version of Colonel

Sanders. This casting is an important event as it marks the first time in history a woman has been able to just pick a goddamn restaurant already. I enjoyed it.

That's my least favorite relationship fight ever. It's just like, where do you want to eat? It doesn't matter. Okay, we'll pick

anywhere. I don't know, somewhere. Whatever. Oh yeah, not there. Yeah, okay, not the one thing that's open and close.

Cool, I fucking hate you and I'm going to fuck your sister. Walmart's being sued for racism for keeping ethnic hair care products behind anti-theft glass. That's awesome. Oh, fuck. They say it's to prevent theft.

I don't want to be racist, but I think we can all agree that this is sadly necessary to keep white people from appropriating black products. I was genuinely worried you were going to say they were keeping them on the pet supply section. That would have been funnier, but worse. If you're going to go down, go down swinging. Former Taliban hostage Joshua Boyle was accused of sexual assault while using a rope. Correspondent Bad Pun Dice Clay responded, if he was pushing rope, he should get a softer sentence.

Oh! Erectile dysfunction isn't funny because I'm 70. What? Tom, what did you just do? You're the only person who speaks more retarded than the actual Dice Clay. I'm doing my best, actually. This is in no way a character this is my actual voice

there was also a phrase using that joke where it just said he was accused of it while using a rope which is not like what you do with a rope like what was he doing with it it wasn't very clear in the article but I'm assuming using it to tie her up okay that makes sense using a rope was a weird phrase

that's how they phrased it S.D. Whiplash from fucking Pensacola County, Florida. I like that that was the assumption, that it was just some kind of railroad crime. What was I going to say? Yeah, the way Tom reads, it's like Tom's perfectly capable of reading. But even if you wrote it, I can see you sounding out every individual syllable. There's no recognition of, oh, that's the word dead. He's like, dead. I's like dead reading out loud actually it's a lot easier for me to read my ineligible

fucking handwriting than reading it off yeah look in that shit and that is rough that is like some like like dead sea scrolls when i was pyrus writing very uh uh mentally unwell i intentionally made my handwriting bad so that i was the only one who could read it because i didn't trust to write into my phones or computers. Wow. Well, who's the guy that wrote his shit in mirror writing? Was that Da Vinci? So you can only read it in a mirror? Oh, I don't know about that. I think he did that. That seems right.

Interesting fact, guys. You read a book. For the love of God, tell us a thing. I was working on my Toby impression. Well, study up. You guys... Damn, we're about to get into a fight at a wine bar. Oh man, this gay couple's getting a divorce.

Let's go outside and debate, Connor. You want to have a contest of forensics, sir? Welcome to Semantic Boys. Yeah, fucking ad-uglium. Alright, in

Haki Jokes I wrote on the Freeway News, the creator of Ikea died at 91. His family said it wasn't great, but he lasted way longer than they thought he would. God damn it. I'm sure everybody has done that one, but again. That's different. I've seen like the same assemble your own joke about it a bunch

of times online, but I haven't heard that angle. Ikea's fucking nuts. I took Tom to Ikea for the first time ever, and my favorite part was, first of all, you just got overwhelmed and had to sit down like somebody in a museum who can't handle the beat. Yeah, like I have Stendhal Disorder.

What is Stendhal Disorder? That's when you pass out because you're overwhelmed by all the art. Yeah, it's like a mental syndrome where art fucks you up physically. Norm MacDonald has it. Oh, damn. Yeah. But then Tom, we're in the parking lot, and he goes, Hey, has anybody ever done a joke about Ikea and how it's weird?

I'm like, Yeah, Tom, it's been addressed. I had a feeling that someone beat me to it. Tom walks out of his room, just like thumbtacks and string all over the wall. You're like, Guys, I, it's been addressed. I had a feeling that someone beat me to it. Tom walks out of his room, just like, thumbtacks and string all over the wall. You're like, guys, I got it. Men and women are so different. We can't live together, but we have to. The data's come back from the laboratory. It turns out women do, in fact, be shopping.

Botox injections led to the disqualification of several competitors in a camel beauty pageant in Saudi Arabia. The head of the pageant declared these camels bad sportsmen, but still super fuckable. That was not nearly as racist as I was anticipating. I mean, it wasn't great. It's like either going to be about racers spitting on someone's dick, I thought, but no. Yeah. It was good.

Thanks. Dude, I did camels. You did camels? Yeah, I would love to ride a camel I've never ridden a camel Okay I feel like if you had a camel friend You would look a lot less hunchy

I feel like if you sat on If a camel had two humps And you sat on one It would just drop down And the other one would get super big Yeah, yeah Alright, Tobdog Let's see

Workers were photographed Carting raw pork in shopping carts Into the 99 Ranch Market grocery store in Sacramento. The store has confirmed that the workers have been fired. An investigation has been launched, and the meat is now available 50% off at Dollar Tree. Have you ever bought 99-cent store meat? I'm a vegetarian. Oh, good call. Yeah, me too.

Yeah, I lived with a guy who was like – Monsters. Are the headphones still working? Everything dropped out. Oh, yeah, good call. Yeah, me too. I lived with a guy who was like... Monsters. Are the headphones still working? Everything dropped out. Oh, yeah, they are. Okay, cool. I lived with a guy for a while who was like a full throttle meth head, and all he would eat was just weird, discontinued sausages he bought at the 99 cent store. And then he had diarrhea

constantly. He was like, I don't know what's wrong. I'm like, you're eating raccoons. That's why. You're eating fucking... Yeah, shrink-wrapped pigeon. Yeah, I didn't know what's wrong. I'm like, you're eating raccoons. That's why. You're eating fucking shrink-wrapped pigeon. Yeah, I didn't know the 99 Cent Store had a deli. I mean, it's not good. It's just like one slice of ham and a sign that says, abandon all hope. You enter here. Oh, hell yeah.

All right, Tom. Okay, speaking of which, you can now buy a millennial pink latte at Starbucks. Finally, a Starbucks drink that combines the enjoying of a Starbucks drink that combines the enjoying of a Starbucks drink I fucked this up. And also remind you that someone

right now is getting their cancer can sliced and diced. What? Wait. What? Is it a breast cancer latte? No, it's just really pink. Okay. Yeah. They took the color. They keep the color. That's my rule. Alright, here's what I want you to pink. Okay. Yeah. They took the color. They keep the color.

That's my rule. All right, here's what I want you to do. Tell it again. My God, I fucked it up. It combines the good times of a Starbucks drink. Ah, shit. Okay, damn it. Titties are being removed.

They're in terms sliced and diced for a cancerous boob. Yeah, I was planning on going off the swagger of fun terms for titties and cancer and then fucked everything up in the process. Alright, well... So go spitteroonie a joke, Con Man. I got good news for you, man. All these catchphrases

are not okay. Toby is just reading like The Guardian now. He's completely... Toby's checked all the way out. Wake me up when we get to tariffs hey guys uh new refrigerators on board air force one will cost 24 million dollars uh sarah sanders blocked the criticisms of corrupt spending saying the new installation was the only way to keep kellyanne conway comfortable she doesn't be? Yeah, yeah, like some kind of... Like a Darth Vader helmet pod situation?

Hello, I'm Milk Woman. Like some kind of Cougarville vampire? I don't know. What do you want from me? The car. That's where that came from. I like the ones where I can tell you're self-conscious about the jokes. I'm very self-conscious about all these.

Connor, reference some sick titties. This is why these are all brought to you by the 60 Freeway. All right, let's close it out. Probably mediocre again. In the wake of sexual assault allegations, Casey Affleck has opted not to present this year's Academy Award for Best Actress. Said Affleck, quote, why insert myself into a situation where women don't want me? That's how I got in this mess in the first place. Hey.

Ha-cha-cha-cha rape. I think you should just present it in his hotel room with one person. Toby is showing how he earned his stripes at We The Internet TV. With writing like that. That's very good. Who's the guy they're going to tag in and just be like, alright, well, the last guy touched somebody, so here's your

dumb statue. We're getting to the point where we might have to start hiring broads for this shit. I don't want to get there as a society they got colonel sanders that's enough progress for this year yeah yeah like that's like that's like like it's like black people getting urkel it's a funny metaphor like after like months of like feminist like struggle and everything it's like all right fine you can have colonel sanders all right what if colonel sanders had fucking sparkly fridge we're not telling this bitch where the spices are. Yeah.

We're throwing you a fucking bone dykes. Just take your pussy hats off and chill for a bit. They had Wendy. Wasn't Wendy enough? What's next? A burger queen. Yeah. That'd be great.

The slippery slope guy. You can't prove the grimace doesn't have a pussy. That's all I'm saying. What are we doing? Clint Donald's after that? I think it's your turn, dude. Wait. Oh, okay.

I wasn't sure if I was still going or finishing up. I think it's the last one. A NASA satellite has been discovered to be awake 13 years after losing contact. Sadly, its first message was to ask how the war in Afghanistan ended up. I enjoyed that. Ba-doop-ba-doop-doop-doop-ba-doop-doop-doop. Bad.

A study has linked sugar with... Already good. I'm going to need to see a source. I like the idea that you write in all these ums and huhs. Yeah. A study has linked sugar with Alzheimer's. Big sugar representative Mary Big Hunt Poppin sings, Oh, a spoonful of sugar makes the memories go down.

All to forget your son is gay. Tom, what? Hang on. There's a lot to unpack. First of all, why did you call Mary Poppins a cunt? Ah, she's a cunt. I don't like her. She is not.

She helped those children. Yeah, she abandoned them like a cunt. She had to go help other children. Yeah, well, I didn't see that footage. She's a babysitter. The footage, it's a film. You're saying it like we caught Bigfoot in the woods. Yeah, Mary Poppins is a false flag operation.

Tom. How much sugar do I need to forget the show? Oh, shit. Ask Mary Poppins. She's a big cunt. God damn it, dude. Yeah, Toby, you do look like you get yourself an after work cake pop. Look, people can't be mad at me for calling a fictional character a cut

all right that's it she's not real i think yeah you get mad at me for calling you retarded you're fictional as far as i'm pretty sure i'm non-fiction i was written non-fiction you are not non-fiction you are at best like speculative i'm just hard to track down for the full story if that makes sense yeah i gotta look where someone broke a twig over the the letter r and see if i can chase you into the woods i don't get it oh you mispronounce things it wasn't great what does the twig have to do with anything like you're tracking somebody uh what what how do you track people what you listen i listen to snap and then yeah we cannot possibly explain concepts to you tom Tom. It's going to be a nine-hour show. You guys were following that?

I didn't follow that. I would listen to Tom learns woodsmanship. Oh, my God. We need to do that this summer and just put Tom through a Boy Scout camp. Yeah, yeah. I'd be down. Yeah, I worked out a tie and knot. Somebody tried to touch my butt.

They're dead now. Anyway, Mean Boys is coming back soon. Or whatever. That was in May. Oh yeah, you can't prove that. No, I can. Yeah, this is the real Tom. Yeah, we're all Tom now. This man is an imposter. I'm being smart now, and you can tell

because I'm pausing extra to think about what I'm saying. I'm trying to scratch my beard fast enough so the static electricity makes it work correctly. That's some parent trap bullshit. Alright, we'll be right back after this.

Come to theaters this February. The heart-pounding conclusion to the erotic saga that's become a global phenomenon. You must be the reporter. Please, come on in. Mr. Gray will see you now. You must be the reporter. Please come on in. Mr. Gray will see you now. You must be the reporter. I'm Christian Gray. Pleasure to meet you.

What's your name? Tammy Gash. An unconventional love story for the ages. Miss Gash, you are remarkable. I've never seen a woman whose ears had beards before. The doctor said I was the opposite of a miracle. And is one of your eyes gray? Yeah, it got permanently combed over. So now everything on the left side of my head just looks like milk soup. Tell me, Miss Gash, would you have dinner with me? It's against the Geneva Convention for my pussy to be in a restaurant.

But you have food here. That's plastic fruit, Tammy. It's like for decoration. Doesn't matter to me. I can't taste anything since I've burned off all of my taste buds. Deep-throating exhaust pipes on a Harley Davidson. I have a proposition for you. I have certain appetites. You hungry?

Because I'm not sharing the plastic fruit. No, I mean sexual appetites. Perhaps we can come to an arrangement. I'll swallow anything for 83 cents and a lucky strike. You are perfection. Horrible, drooling, impossibly fat perfection. Hang on, I save all my farts in a dust buster. Then I put them in my mom's dialysis machine. I'm trying to give her a lethal case of the stank blood so I don't have to share the trailer anymore. Take a journey into the darkest corners of sexual desire. This is my red room. In it, you'll find every conceivable implement of sexual pleasure,

pain, or both. What is this, amateur hour? I can fit all this shit in my asshole at once and not even feel it. If you want to gape Tammy Gass, you're going to need a two-by-four, a pizza cutter, and a good lawyer in case it goes south. What? I don't... What is the pizza cutter even for? Shut up, Nancy.

Lay down and take your shirt off. I want to make a big German mess on your nipples. I, uh, I don't want to do that. You bought the ticket, Mr. Fancy Dick. Time for you to ride the train to

Browntown. Do you get it? Pussy dick, time for you to ride the train to Brown Town. Do you get it? It's my shit. My asshole shit. Don't worry, it's mostly blood. Okay, yeah, I'm out. Rutabaga, that's my safe word. Oh, yeah?

Well, now my safe word is, I have a gun. Now open your mouth for the devil's soft serve machine. One man is pushed to his limits in the pursuit of carnal bliss. Say it, you little bitch! No! Say it or I'm gonna get the scissors again! Okay, fine. Hang on, let me get in position.

I pledge my loyalty to Islam, to the teachings of Muhammad, and reject all gods but Allah. I'm gonna squirt. Why did you make me do that? Because nothing makes me come harder

than knowing you can't go to heaven. Now rest for a minute. I'm gonna drink a Gatorade. And when I come back, I'm gonna beat my beef while you call your mom and tell her you don't love her. What happens when pain becomes pleasure? When control becomes desire? When horny moms inexplicably propel sub-Penthouse erotica into a best-selling trilogy.

I don't know, but this crazy bitch is about to pop her own ovaries out. Wait, is that even possible? Yep. I call it the Meatball Surprise. Christ. Go see Fifty Shades of Gash this February. Bring something to puke in. Oh, God, there's so much saltier than they should be.

Tammy, yes. The Mean Boys podcast is back with a game that comes to us from one of our favorite listeners, Callie Velasquez, and her big back to Snark Week games. Thank you, Callie. Hello, Callie. I'm going, going to, to thank Callie. Callie, haven't done that in a while. It's a biggie song. Toby knew it. You gotta step it up, Tom.

I'm sorry. I stick with Tupac and the West Side. Anyway. You said that phonetically. This is one of the finer one-off games I think I've ever seen. Is this from Churchill's Their Finest Hour speech or a Celine Dion song title? God, that's good. Winston Churchill just went just went throughout their bipolar cool dude yeah also stopped hitler but yes also bipolar less exciting though what a what a win for your look he stopped hitler but nobody's

perfect the important thing is he was did my mic completely cut out? Can anyone hear me? I can't hear anything, so I have no idea. Okay. Now I can kind of hear you. Oh, yeah, there's me. There we go. Damn, son, you sound sharp. All right. Whoa, I'm very loud. Jesus goddamn fucking shit Christ. We need to donate on Patreon so you can skip through more fucking fine,

boring nonsense like this so we can afford to get some good shit. All right. Is this a Winston Churchill quote or a quote? Quote. Tom, I talked to you for 20 minutes. Shut up, Tom. Okay. So is this from fat England Reagan?

How dare you compare him to Reagan? Or old Brittany? That was pretty good. That was props. Thank you. My top hat off to you, sir. As the number one Tom anthropologist in North America, I'd be offended if I couldn't impersonate your lightning rounds just a little bit.

So number one, a new day has come. Is that Celine or Winston Churchill? Are there any boths in this? I was going to say, I feel like at least one of these is going to be a both. There's no both, so I'll give it away like that. Ooh. That makes it a challenge. One more time?

A New Day Has Come. Is that a Celine song title? These are song titles. Yeah. God damn it. I literally, the only Celine Dion song I know is the boat singing. Yeah. Here Far Somewhere Else.

Row, row, row your boat. Yeah. Row your boat. Row, row, row your boat oh is that is that what believe is is it no wait what are you thinking of i thought that maybe it had the same melodies row row your boat no no we're talking about uh from titanic okay we'll go on i think you know it'd be funny if you're pretty confident you're thinking of share oh i am, yeah. 100%. Do you believe in boat after boat? Or as I call it, really old Britney. Here's a funny metal image.

You pull up next to Toby in traffic and he's just like headbanging to row, row, row your boat. It was a remix. It was a remix. The fucking trap. Drop the floor. If your metro don't trust you, row, row, row your boat. This little piggy don't give a fuck. Rowing, rowing, rowing, rowing.

They see me rowing. They hating. I'm just rowing my boat. It's bath time. It's fucking bath time. Gotta get my squeaky ducky. Get my squeaky ducky. Oh, man.

Okay, I think this is a Celine Dion song. I think it's Churchill. I'm on my little boat laid back with my books in my tub and the boats also in the tub. A lot of stuff in the tub. Toby takes the baths for sure. Am I right? No, you're not right. Oh, yeah, yeah. You fuck it for sure. Showers, motherfucker. The problem with baths for sure. Am I right? No, you're not right. Showers, motherfucker!

The problem with baths, man, let's not point at the Jewish guy in the house and yell showers. Also, let's just go ahead and permanently fire you from hype man responsibilities for the rest of your tenure on the program. It was a supportive shower, alright? Toby's with me.

You've been on the train so long. You didn't realize Toby Marishanu was Jewish. You thought he was just a propaganda cartoon that wrote for... You know how, like, yeah, I don't notice things about people. Continue.

So is everyone guests here? Churchill, I said. Yeah, we said Churchill. That is Celine Dion, everybody. Don't you fucking come into his weird bisexual turf. Yeah, we said Churchill. He said Dion. That is Celine Dion, everybody. Oh. That's right. Don't you fucking come into his weird bisexual turf. Yeah, this is a game where we find out if I'm gayer than Toby is smart. Yeah.

This reluctantly falls into your jurisdiction. All right, guys. Next one. Next one. Here today and gone tomorrow. Is that Winston Churchill or Celine Dion? I'm going Celine. I'm going Churchill on this. I feel like that sounds too much like a song title.

She's trying to trick us. Yeah, I got to go. I got to go. I'm going to go Celine Dion. All right. The field is split here. Let's take a look. That is Churchill.

Damn. Fuck. Two for two. I worked at the Queen Mary in Long Beach for a while, and they had a Winston Churchill museum thing there. And all I could ever see is sitting at the thing, scanning tickets. There was one part where they just misspelled his name on the fucking wall. I was like, you had one job.

Fucking, all right. I was going to think of a funny misspelling, but then I was just like, yep, don't have it. Yeah, I passed you the ball. I think you just hurled the ball into the stands and went home. Yeah. Thanks for the help, Toby and Tom. I like the idea of a Churchill Museum where it's just all of the errors from other Churchill

Museums. Well, that'd be a good one. The Museum of Fucked Up Museums. Yeah. Well, there's a museum. The Oopsatorium. Really? Yeah.

They just started touring it around. It's just weird fuck-up shit. I think it's advertising shit and a bunch of weird stuff. I haven't looked totally into it, but it seems like a thing we should go to. Oh, okay. Yeah. Well, I mean, aside from you having to find a new biography title, it's probably a cool exhibit. Number three, If You Asked Me To. Are we looking at Churchill or Celine Dion?

That's so, like, you might as well be the. Like, that's so fucking vague. Oh, they get, they get shorter. Don't worry. I mean,

the was Churchill. Yeah. Celine doesn't use linking words. Yeah. Well, I think Churchill's real fat, so I can't imagine

what you'd ask him to do. I don't know. I'm just trying. I'm just trying to say anything. He was the leader of a country yeah but like yeah from a chair like he's the most responsible for stopping hitler i think that was all those dead russians yeah probably well no if if i think if anyone else was in control i think it would have surrendered i think surrendered england and then we would have

had no way to fight oh i mean sure the battle mean, sure, the Battle of Britain, but I think the final straw was just the big-ass pile of dead Russian people that they're like, we are literally tired of killing you guys. There are so many of you. This is just a lot of work. I've never felt stupider. All I really know about Winston Churchill is like, all right, he was a cool dude, and then a bunch of other stuff happened, and now Gary Oldman is going to get an Oscar. That's all I really know about him.

I think this is – I'm going to go an Oscar. That's all I really know about him. I think this is... I'm going to go Celine Dion. Celine Dion, Toby. Churchill. Tom Goss. I'm going to go Celine. I feel like you're mad that we're bad-talking Churchill. That is Celine Dion.

Hey! I'm not. Oh, okay. He's really dead, so it doesn't matter. He's really dead. As opposed to Elvis, who is... He is... Dead in air quotes.

Number four, every man and every woman. Churchill quote or Celine Dion title? I'm every woman. I'm going to go Churchill. Okay. I'm going to go Churchill just so consistently so I won't go over however long this lasts. Yeah, that's smart. I'm going to say Churchill

as well. Alright, Toby, realizing he doesn't know enough about history or pop music, is going with his old favorite, game theory. Every man and every woman is Churchill. Yes! I guess you could have been reading the whole quotes here. This is the most excited anybody's ever been about Winston Churchill

since World War II ended. Every man and every woman will have the chance to show the finest qualities of their race. I should have done a I guess you could have been reading the whole quotes here. This is the most excited anybody's ever been about Winston Churchill since World War II ended. Yeah. Every man and every woman will have the chance to show the finest qualities of their race. I should have done a Churchill impression. Every man and every woman will have to fuck off. That sounds more like a... My tears, tired, and sweat. Yes, I'm very angry, and I don't like this Hitler guy.

You kind of just sound like a wacky professor at Hogwarts more than... That's what he sounded like. You hear his voice and you're like, he's a fucking nerd. People are afraid of you. We will fight them on the beaches. We will fight them in the sky. We will fight them in the beaches. We will fight them at the pizza parlor. I live in Caesars.

We will erase their high score from the Gallagher game in the lobby. Hitler will not defeat the Domino's of breadsticks. You know, the traditional Italian restaurant, Domino's. They have the easiest food to prepare. You'd think Domino's

would be a soul food restaurant. Am I right, guys? Am I the first one to do that? Probably not. You could tag that onto the DiGiorno joke and have a whole black people pizza suite. Don't think I haven't thought about it. All right. These are the special times.

Is that Celine or Churchill? That's Tom's autobiography. That's a newspaper that he just gets every day. And it's actually like a rubber chewing toy, like the Daily Growl. The special times. And you're just like, oh, it's peanut butter filled today. Breaking news. Clouds will not hurt you.

Actually, they will hurt you. Oh my God. Oh, okay, guys, I just read this article. I told you about the sky fire. You know that monster I've been telling you about? Turns out that's just the ice maker in the fridge. I'm totally fine. There are no monsters in the kitchen.

Sorry. What was it again? These are the special times. Oh, yeah, how could I forget? If it is Churchill, that seems like a real chill way to describe World War II. Yeah, these are the special times. These are the real special times. I mean, now he got together, bonded over, not getting blown up.

I think it's Churchill. Toby, Doug. Churchill. Again. That seems like some Celine Dion singing a song about happy birthday to her fat French husband. Yeah. Did Toby marry her? Toby's playing games like he's a punch card machine from the Jetsons.

How do I remove my emotions? Those quarrelsome things. That is a Celine Dion song. The lyrics being, these are the special times. Times we'll remember. These are the precious times. It's not really creative, Celine. Nah. It it's kind of whatever what did she do that was creative um the nazis

points selena had all those number one records with those millions of dead russians we're literally it's funny like i was i was reading about it and i thought about it i was like the russian strategy was really just the Zabranigan. Kill bots have a set kill limit, so I sent wave after wave in my own way. All right. Number seven. The penultimate question. The life of the world.

Is that Churchill or Celine Dion? Oh, the fuck. I'm going to say Celine Dion. Cool. Nice finger snaps. Always record. You know, I want to say it's Celine, but I'm committed to this strategy,

so I'm saying Churchill. Okay. This strategy would be playing out a lot more fun for you if anyone was keeping score in any way. I know. I'm playing a perfect game. That's all I know. Oh, okay.

Are you 100%? No big deal. Don't want to brag. Yeah, I mean... All Keith does is play games that I prompt playing a perfect game. That's all I know. Oh, okay. Are you 100%? No big deal. Don't want to brag. Yeah, I mean. All Keith does is play games that I prompt him to, really. We've been doing this for two years. I pretty much am just like the human version of like a CPU player in a video game. All right, I guess I'll hang out and get beat up for 20 minutes.

What did you say? What? I said Celine Dion. I'm going to say Churchill. Cool. All right. That is Churchill. Son of a fuck!

If we can stand up to Hitler, all of Europe may be free and the life of the world may move forward into broad, sunlit uplands. Tight. That's what he said. That sounds like some Mary Poppins shit. Winston Churchill, that big cunt. Yeah, we're not going back to Mary Poppins, the home-wrecking

fucking magic umbrella whore. The bane of Tom's existence. Magic umbrella whore. She could fly and all she did was help children. She should have saved people. She could have been a much better social worker, all right? Or was she in the Battle of Britain? Yeah.

She was probably flying over the subways, fucking leaking her pussy juices all over the people in the propaganda posters. Keeping calm and flying on. helping big sugar yeah in bed with big sugar the opportunistic bitch super kelly fucking stupid xp fucking bitch well that's the episode title i'm gonna have to phoneticize that that'll be i know i just want to make you figure out how to spell it. Super fucking shitty ass sugar bitch and fart. I don't know. That movie just fucking blew. This is such a weird thing to have a hard line stance on. No, it isn't because my mom loves that movie, and she made me watch it when I was a kid.

I never wanted to watch it. I was like, no one is this happy about flying kites. I don't. This doesn't. Fuck this movie. You were in English in whatever the time that was. You you didn't have other options that was what you did you didn't have like a tamagotchi or a fucking risk on your phone you had to fly a kite yeah but i mean i flew kites but i wasn't like stoked about it was it because you were jealous of the kites

no okay were you really flying a kite or did you just throw a rock? It was a paper airplane. Yeah, they don't fly good. I will say kite's generally disappointing as a hobby. Thank you, Toby. Well, Toby thought we were saying a different word, so here's C. Be quiet for ten minutes. Yeah, I was like, I wouldn't say disappointing. I expected a little more out of you, but you're doing your best.

Me and Toby was like, really mean, I wouldn't say disappointing. I expected a little more out of you, but you're doing your best. Me and Toby were like, really? Right in front of me? Me and Toby, the smart people on this podcast, understand the disappointment of kites. So nice over-enunciating. In the country of Niger. All right. And finally. I'm just picturing Hitler singing, let's go, Freya.

Yeah, you get it. That's pretty good. And finally. I'm just picturing Hitler singing, let's go, Freya. Yeah, you get it. That's pretty good. Jesus Christ. Oh, you also read the first draft of Mary Poppins? Yeah, Tom does a special screening of his unearthed copy of the first very, very anti-Semitic Mary Poppins script. That sounds about right, given what we know about Walt Disney. The bad guy was the bank. You got to be.

Oh, shit. Wait, does Mary Poppins hate juice? I think we would have broken this thing open. I'm telling you. All right. If Necessary Alone. Is that a Celine song or a Winston Churchill? That's got to be a Celine song.

If Necessary Alone, I'm going Churchill. Yeah, I'm going Churchill. As if there was any chance of deviation. That was Churchill, guys. But I like the idea that it's also Churchill crying over a breakup. I'm guessing he's saying... Well, he's kind of mad that France broke up with him. Whatever happened to France would make no difference to the resolve of Britain and the British Empire to fight on, if necessary, for years, if necessary, alone.

Damn. Damn. Dude, he was manic as fuck, okay? Thank bipolar for us not speaking German right now. Oh, totally. Dude, he was manic as fuck, okay? Thank bipolar for us not speaking German right now. Oh, totally. This is the 1940s version of a thirst trap where you just post a picture of your flat-ass stomach on Instagram having a good time at Disney World. You know, just like, yeah, I'm fucking, I'm doing great.

I don't even know, man. All right. Well, that was a very politically... Oh, wait, there we go. Yeah, I think everything just completely... That was the game. We'll be right back. Mean Boys Podcast is brought to you by Sudio Headphones, guys. Sudio.

Sudio Headphones are so goddamn good. I fucking love these things, man. They're fucking insane. They're comfortable. They sound fantastic. Yeah. They've got Bluetooth capability and really remarkable battery life. They're goddamn Swedish.

And cords. Yeah. One charge, you're rocking and rolling all over the city for days. It's fucking great. Maybe even other cities. Anywhere. It's a multiple city battery. It truly is.

Yeah, you could go through many zip codes before you'd have to plug these motherfuckers back in. You have studios in different area codes. Yeah. Instead of hose. Did you see what I did there? Unfortunately, I did. There's also a cord. An auxiliary cord that truly does not tangle.

It has never once even slightly been an issue. Now, if you're worried about tangly cords, fret not, motherfucker. It makes me wonder what the fuck these other companies are doing with their fucking cords. It's not that hard. Studio did it, all right? Yeah. They're a bunch of dumb Swedes. Bless these Nordic retards by buying their product at Studios Sweden.com.

Oh, we almost did a very professional one. Using promo code MeanBoys15. Get yourself 15% off. Get us a little kickback. Everybody wins. Free shipping all over the world. Boom. These are a wonderful gift.

Bam. You drop these into your girlfriend's lap on her birthday. Moist. You're going to be a hero, baby. The box is sexy. Opening these up. I gave Tom a pair from my Unpops pair because we got two from our studio sponsorship. Yeah, they didn't throw me one.

Yeah, but how did you feel opening up that box? It's great, right? Oh, like I just got a good facial for my ears. It was amazing. Yep, that's how you sell headphones. You say it's like someone cummed in my ear, something that everybody loves. Or I just out of my ear. That seems somehow worse.

Yeah, you're leaking fluids from your head. Way to endorse this audio product that goes on your head. At least when somebody comes in your ear, you're like, well, I know where the cum came from. Who comes out of your ear, you're like, that's not what cum does. I'll tell you where the cum came from. Shut up. Go to studiostudio.com promo code MEANBOYS15 and get yourself some

studios. Bring a Q-tip. Listen like a ninja. And the Mean Boys podcast is back after a brief break in an attempt not to make Toby late for his book club. I was like, that's getting brought up. I heard that through the bathroom wall, and I'm like, come on. I know, right? Oh, yeah. I had to pee, and Toby starts telling me about a series of fantasy books.

I was like, oh, shit. Okay, tell me about it in a minute, champ. Which book is this? So, my girlfriend Anyway, we're playing Witch of the Fun Your girlfriend Who is real And definitely lives in Canada

I haven't met her Is she flying a lot of kites too? If you know what I mean So, she's brought me into this book club If you know what I mean. So she's brought me into this book club where we discuss every month a book that we raid. We raid? We read. You raid a book? You've been playing too much World of Warcraft.

You're doing a raid? And also, don't make it her fault you're in this book club. We all know you're a book club guy. I used to be in a lot of book clubs. That makes you feel less insecure. That was where I used to be in a lot of book clubs. Yeah. That makes you feel less insecure. That was where Tom used to fight books

in the cellar underground. What Tom means to say is he took a shower at the library for a while. And if it's your first night at book club, Dude, I won so many fucking reading contests

as a kid. What the fuck? A reading contest? Yeah, libraries would be like every book you read you got a raffle. So I just read like 90 books in three months and go to Legoland.

You don't read a book really fast like a pie-eating contest. No, I just read it a fuck ton. Tom read the special news 300 times. Oh, yeah, the special times. What book? I want to know what book. Philip Pullman, The Story of – The Book of Dust. That's what it's called.

Oh, Dust. Interesting. Well, you would be like so hard-pressed to think of a less interesting sounding piece of Dust. That's what it's called. Oh, Dust. Interesting. Wow. You would be so hard-pressed to think of a less interesting-sounding piece of media. The book. Okay. Already losing me. Fur Bodies. Oh, never mind.

Of what? What is this book of? Like fire? Magic? Wizard? Dust. The Dust Bun is sitting. A gentle ballad of tap water.

It's like the wax cylinder of mold. It's impressively dull. But hey, check it out. They're getting the Mean Boys. Should we start a Mean Boys book club? That would be fun. Do you recommend this book? It was alright, you know. It was interesting. Do you want to work out your book club set, you know, with some of your

opinions and start running it here and see if it goes well? It's actually sort of like tying into Churchill because it's set in that sort of era in England. It's very dusty. But it's like fantasy, sort of like steampunk-y. Yeah, when there was more dust around, Tom. There was because of the bombs. I was about to say, God damn it. You took my I'm going to make you look stupid thing and you flipped it.

No, it's a true thing I said. It was very dusty because of all the explosions. Let's release the balloons from the ceiling. Tom said something true. I'm just imagining Winston Churchill and a big robotic spider looking wild. Anyway, so it's set in the 40s. Yeah, sometime around then. It's like fantasy.

There's demons and fairies and stuff like that. To really immerse yourself, did you read the book really quietly in a dark room? Demons and Fairies, the original name of this podcast. Oh, yeah, that's good. Anyway. Am I a demon or a fairy? Yes. A little of both.

Inconclusive. Fairy, demon, you're so fun. Sort of like an earth monster, like a stubby ent. Yeah, or like a rock that can move. Yeah, exactly. Gollum can move. Yeah, exactly. Gollum from Pokemon. That's my fantasy. Man, we really have not let Toby discuss this book at all.

And I really so want to. We're going to try to leave here to go discuss the book. Should we do a Mean Boys book? That would be kind of fun. We should read more. Yeah. Yeah, I used to read all the time, and then I've just been too busy.

I might start doing it. I smell another great Mean Boys idea we get excited about for eight minutes and then never discuss again. I thought we were gonna start the 90s skate crew. No. What? Okay, oh, we haven't talked about this yet. We weren't gonna do anything. You were gonna start skateboarding. You were gonna convince Connor to get

a razor scooter. Tom is very convinced he's gonna become a rollerblader now. Like a professional rollerblader. I don't know if I can go pro, but I've seen some of the tricks these people are doing. I know, actually. I actually have that information. Let me just pull it up here. Fucking, no, not at all, ever are you going to become

a professional rollerblader. He goes, yeah, it's like, you look at parkour and you're like, it just looks cool, but it's not hard. Tom. You know how your body interacts with physics? You know when Kirby does his down B and he turns into a rock and falls on your head? Oh, I love Kirby. That is the way your density is.

I'm just saying, I spent so much time throughout my life in skates, I feel like a lot of the tricks, I was like, oh, I could already do these. All right, guys. None of the jump related ones, not at first, but I bet I could learn to grind within a couple days. If you send Tom rollerblades, we will make this happen. I have rollerblades. They're called, I've looked it up, aggressive rollerblades. Okay, well, anything you put on

to be aggressive. Well, no, because I want to be able to grind in them. As opposed to benign rollerblades? You want stage four metastasized in your lymph nodes rollerblades. There's a kind of rollerblade that you can't grind on regular rollerblades, but they have a little gap so that you can fucking grind on. Well, usually he has rollerblades, so we're going to put you on these.

Okay, yeah. If they fit me, yeah. They'll fit you. Are they aggressive? There's a tutorial app called Grinder, which is very... Ooh, Toby is very good. Ooh, Toby in the cut. Damn.

All right. Anyway, on that note, I guess it's time to play Witch of the Falls. When I go pro, you'll eat your words. You're not going to go pro anything. There is no money to be made and be in a fucking fruit booth. There is in Europe. I'm going to have a scared straight intervention with you and Ron Swallow, a friend of the show, who's a former professional rollerblader and now is a karaoke dj in the valley ron swallow made it to the top of the rollerblading world yes racing or aggressive stop saying aggressive

i mean i guess but i don't think they call it that they might be like yeah agro blades or something it's called aggressive and i know this because I was Googling. I think that's just how people responded to your interest in the rollerblading community. I spent three hours Googling this shit. It's called aggressive inline skating. All right. Well, look this up. It took three hours for me to figure that out. It took you three hours to figure out how to spell aggressive.

Aggressive inline skates. Okay. You got to have a little gap between the two? Yeah, with the aggressive insurance. Oh, wow. Tom is right about something I didn't believe.

Well, I thought you were right, but I will say I think it's appropriate that these are all attached with Velcro. What? Read about it in the Special Times.

Anyway, we've procrastinated too long. Oh, sorry, what? I just hope the tagline for a special times is stories you can chew on. Oh, that's good, dude. I'm just trying to work that in my song. Love it, love it. Which of the following?

After the longest intro ever. Tom, you're always so good at cutting off the, all right, it's time for the, well, okay, furthermore, about Mr. Church Pants. Allow me to re-yell my point from earlier. No new information, lots of new volume. See listeners how defensive they get when they're wrong about something? We weren't wrong about anything.

We didn't give a shit. One rollerblades is going to be dumb and retarded. It's called aggressive. Yeah, it's going to be aggressively retarded. Toby's with me. Toby's with me. Was I? Cut.

I won't leave you. He damned it. It's official. He thought about it, though. I won't leave you. All right, guys. Dear Mean Boys, just wanted to give back something for you for bringing joy to my life. Hope this makes your day better.

Enjoy the Witch of the Falling European Sexy Towns Edition. Cheers, Alex Black. Thanks, Alex Black. Hello, Mr. Black. Lee. We're talking about Opie's out of town. That's his name. Round one.

A, these are sexy European towns. I don't know if that was clear. Yeah, we got to figure out which one is fake. Yeah, and there's going to be four of them. One of them is fake. That's where Toby comes in. You've got to tell me the fake one. Okay.

Doing a bad job of explaining the rules. He's going to say Churchill every time. Round number one. A. Kissing Germany. B. Petting Germany. C. Blowing Germany's chest. C is blowing Germany. D. Fucking Austria.. D, fucking Austria.

Oh, I fucking Austria. You're acting up again, Austria. Wait, so it's kissing, blowing, petting, fucking. Yeah, finger blasting. Fucking

knuckle pumping. I think it's Blowing Germany Because there are too many soft sounds in there For their language Yeah as you know the Klingons Use a lot of harsh guttural sounds Yeah I'm going to try to say blowing as well

What's the There's blowing Germany And that is why Kissing Germany, petting Germany, blowing Germany And fucking Austria Which one of those gave you the biggest flashbacks I'm going to say blowing is the fake one And that is why. Okay, so it's kissing Germany, petting Germany, blowing Germany, and fucking Austria. Which one of those gave you the biggest flashbacks? I'm going to say blowing is the fake one.

Fuck, marry Germany. I was the first to say blowing. All right, guys. The answer, blowing Germany. Boom. Blow that, Germany. Dude, everyone's all tied up here. Yeah.

Round number two, which is the following. Is there a real sex-a-peen Uri town? Welcome to sex-a-peen Uri town. I say real. Population. Ugh. Population. Nss.

A, Rimswell, England. Oswell did Rimswell. B, Jacking, Germany. C, Blue Ball, Ireland. Oh, taking a few trips there, I'll tell you. Or D, Wank Germany. God, Germany rules. Yeah, dude.

Fucking no wonder there's no one everybody's shitting on everybody. Yeah, I'm at like 60% forgiving them for everything after how fun their towns are named. I'm a little under 60. Yeah.

It's weird because you seem like a 70-year-old man. One more time real quick. Rimswell, England, Jacking, Germany, Blue Ball, Ireland, and Wank, Germany. I'm going to say

Jacking, Germany. That is Jacking. Yeah, Jacking, Germany. Yeah, that's my guess. I'm going to say Jacking, Germany, too. I'm going to say Wanking, Germany.

That wasn't an option, but there's Wank, Germany. Okay. The Wank, Germany. I'm going to say Wienertown, Detroit. wanking germany uh it wasn't an option but there's wank germany okay the wank germany i'm gonna say uh wienertown detroit those are two cities it's a smaller city inside of a city that's a district of yeah oh yeah the wienertown uh the hot dogs uh so yeah it's jacking germany nice well not wanking germany that wasn't an option an option, but I was lenient, and I allowed you to guess anyway. I cleaned up your scantron a little bit before I failed you.

Right, number three. Which of the following is not a sexapian Uritown? A, titty Ireland. B, pussy France. C, cocks England. Or D, anus France. By pussy France, you mean France, correct? Nothing has sounded realer,

realer, realier. Damn it. Cox, Cox, England. What is happening to you? We finally broke down. Realier. Really it? That's the guy that sells you the house? I'm going to need to hear those again. Alright, Titty, Ireland, Pussy, France, Cox, England, Anus, France. Gilead, that's the guy that sells you the house? I'm going to need to hear those again. All right.

Titty Ireland, Pussy France, Cox England, Anus France. Nice. I'm going to go B. All right, B. You're going with Pussy France? Pussy France. Keith, what do you think? Titty Ireland.

Toby? It's a Titty Ireland. Tough call. Top of the Titty. Top of the Titty to you. Can I just guess against what he just did? Yes. Okay, cool.

I'll pick that. You know, if you take the train in England in the Piccadilly line, it goes, the destination of this train is Cockfosters. And everyone giggles a little bit. Yeah. So I want to say that. Cockfosters. Australian for G. It's tough.

It's a tough one. I'll say titty. That's the English bang, bros. It's cockfosters. Cockfosters. Top of the titty to you. The tickle-dilly line. Well, let's fuck her in the bang boot of the car.

The bang trolley. Bang, bang, bang goes the trolley. Wah, wah, wah goes her mom. It's a double dicker. There it is. Hell yeah. So you guys, what do you say? So I want to say that Cox England sounds too plausible.

It seems like it could be a misdirection where that's really the fake one. I don't think anybody's ever missed an erection in Cox England. I'm going to go with Tiddy Ireland. the fake one. I don't think anybody's ever missed an erection in Cox England. I'm going to go with Tiddy Ireland. The fake one. Tiddy Ireland. Boom. Oh, it's a not real there. Why is every accent just bad Mario?

It's me, Irish guy. Meet the ball. Ireland's greatest son, Borat, for some reason. Yeah, Tom really does have a catch-all accent. Yeah, no, it just combines the worst parts of every stereotype of every accent and just combines them into one. I'm a-walking out on my children. With my big money nose for smelling the money. I'm also a vampire.

It's me, Mexico. Mexico. Uno. Uno. Abandoned child. All right. Round number four. A, bra Italy.

Ooh. Nothing sexier than a nice bra. That's where boobs live. It's a bra. I'm calling them boob duplexes. Boobplex. B, Panty Ireland. C, Fong England.

Or D, Condom France. Condom. Yeah, it's pronounced... It's just a real throaty bullshit pronunciation, I'm sure. Yeah. Just sounds like you're gagging. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. Throaty bullshit like you're gagging. Yeah, exactly. Exactly.

Throaty bullshit. Also my drag name. I'm going to go with fucking, what was B? Austria. I thought he looked like he was just thinking about dragons he enjoys. He just zoned out for a little bit. Smog, he's got to be up there. B was pussy.

Oh, wait, no. B was Panty Ireland. A? Bra, Italy. B was Panty Ireland. A. Bra, Italy. That's my guess. Tommy Goss. What was C? C was Thong, England.

I'm going to go with Thong, Thong, Thong. Cool. Yeah, you wouldn't think. Not a lot of thongs in England. Too cold. Well, no. For them, it would be, oh, it's Sandal Place, because that's what they call sandal thongs. It's not even sexy to them.

So it's like if you're Quentin Tarantino, it's sexy. It's like we renamed San Francisco Birkenstock. Birkenstockton? That's funny. Quick reminder, we have it on good authority from a friend of the show, David Dorward, who is Eskimo Brothers with Mr. Tarantino. Good talk, guys. Quentin Tarantino.

I just want to get the word out. We're going to say it on every episode. He sleeps in a bed shaped like a foot that he's had custom made. I've looked this up. They don't just sell these anywhere on Earth. You've got to want it. You've got to hire a bed guy to make you a foot bed. And a foot guy to make sure the foot looks like the bed in the picture.

Yeah, so you can fuck feet in your foot bed. Yeah. Tell everybody. Yeah, the bed in the picture. Yeah, so you can fuck feet in your foot bed. Yeah. Tell everybody. Yeah, Toby, spread the word. Why would you want to? I can understand, like, theoretically, having that in a guest bedroom that you never tell anyone about. You know what I mean?

But, like, why would you want to sleep on it every night? That's gross. He's just in the game, dude. Yeah, he doesn't only love feet, like, when somebody's over from out of town. He loves feet 24-7. That's like his whole deal. That's his main thing. It's just while he's waiting for them to ship in a

bed shaped like the N-word. Like, once that ships... Jamar's like, yeah, I got some modeling work. I gotta wait for this upholstery guy to fucking sketch me. Alright, so did everybody guess? No, I haven't guessed yet. There's bra, panty, thong, England, and condom, France. Thong and condom.

I wanted to say panty, but I feel like panty. You could say patty, panty. Sort of Irish sounding. Oh, cha-cha. Hey, cha-cha. Does it look like I could be from there? I could see that.

I'll go with Panty Ireland. Alright, the fake one. Panty Ireland. Toby's fucking ramshackle logic pulls through. You know they were neutral in World War II? Panty. Yeah, Ireland.

They got all their panties in a bunch You know they wanted to They wanted to station troops there So they just pulled them to the side Alright round number five All fucked up German shit Translated So this is

I'll give you the translations Cause I can't I guess I can try the words Please try the words This is all real or all fake All real or all fake A. Totenhausen Translates to And i'm reading a quote

here house of the faggots germany b kyle and kirkton translates to horny churches germany c thick mollen translates to fucking mills germany the fucking mill is like is that where they film the kink.com shit this room was before we turned it into the studio. Yeah just this weird like like where the orcs are made in Lord of the Rings but with cum instead of lava. It's like that factory from I Love Lucy but just with loads instead of chocolate. Exactly yeah or D. Bussendorf. Translate to

town of tits Germany. So which one of those are real or are those all fake? House of the Faggots is a lot of fun. There is a house in New York, Hollywood. We wanted to turn it into a gay bar, and we're like, I want to save money on the side. And they call it the Gay Come, I guess. And it's been the ruin of many.

Poor boy, that part still works. And God, he hates us, us a bunch. I think you changed it for God I I know I'm one, even though. Oh, shit. That would have been. Oh, he call you gay. These are all real. As in the homosexual variety.

I want you to go fly a kite. That expression takes on a lot worse connotations in light of this podcast. All right. All fake, Tom? I agree, all fake. What do you think? All real. Tobe?

All real. Those are all real. Boom. Damn. Toby's fucking, I should get my visa in order. Spitz senses were tingling. And nobody knows who won because we don't keep store. But thank you for Sexy Towns.

Sex-a-pian-euro-towns from Alex Black. More games. Meanboyspodcast.gmail.com. Send us anything you want us to talk about on the show. Yep. And we'll be right back with your questions. Your voice making you feel heard right after this. Hello, and welcome to a very special episode of Chopped.

Our contestants have been eliminated to our final two. Our first eliminated was Carnock the Bloodfeaster. Eat my bloody thorned cock! Carnock, in your bloody thorned cock dish, you were unable to include any of the mystery basket ingredients, and for this reason, you have been chopped. Tom was the next contestant to fall by the wayside. Yeah, so what I did was I took the goose and the chili powder and the grape soda,

and I turned it into a tire. Tom, you are barely functional. And I like that it came through in the food, but unfortunately, unlike you, it was completely inedible because it was a tire. And, yeah, you're getting shot. So, like, you're not going to, like, eat the rest of that? Because I'm pretty hungry, and there's still some tasty tread on there. And now we go to the judging of the final round.

Our final two contestants, Keith Carey and Connor McSpadden. Keith, what did you make for us? So what I have for you guys here is I seared the lamb chops with the oatmeal, and you can taste the cinnamon in the coating on it as well. Ooh, I really love the cinnamon coat. It was lovely. It really popped in my mouth. It was absolutely delicious.

Best thing I've eaten today. Unfortunately, this goes off ratings, and for that reason, I have to say something negative. So, Keith, you're fat. Ooh, I agree. Yeah, it really kind of ruined it for me. Fucking cool. All right, man. Connor, what did you make for us today?

Here's some soup. Wow, this is overwhelming. Yeah, this is truly amazing. It's soup. How did you make this? Well, what I did is I put it all in a pot, right? I added water. What else?

Nothing. It's still fucking soup. Tell us the secrets of your soup. Look, dude, it's soup, all right? It's still fucking soup. Tell us the secrets of your soup. Look, dude, it's soup, all right? It's not good. It's a great thing to serve simple-minded people because they don't have anything else in their tiny minds to remind them it's a bunch of crap mixed with water.

So, of course, you three celebrity chefs, like that's a real fucking thing, ate it up because you're all stupid. You're stupid people. I don't care about your show. I peed three times in a Gatorade bottle cooking this shit. I didn't wash my hands, and I intentionally didn't wash my hands, and added a raw egg because after you were rude to my friend Tom, I felt like you should all get salmonella.

It's all good, cunt. I'm just enjoying this tire. So, yeah, I don't care about the $10,000. I want Keith to have it because despite coming off like an unapproachable cunt, I'm actually kind of nice. You stood up to us. Yeah, fucking whatever, dude. Yeah, I guess. Connor, you were the first person in the history of this show to speak to us this way.

Okay, can I go now? You don't understand. See, after all of these seasons, this was never actually a cooking show. All right. It was a test of compassion and bravery. And you have passed that test. What the fuck could you possibly be talking about? For years, we have been looking for a new person who doesn't give a shit

to throw things at panicky chefs and do a convincing British accent while yelling at people for doing something literally anyone can learn to do. And we have found our king. All hail Chef Connor! All hail Chef Connor! All hail Chef Connor! So, I didn't win.

Silence, large jester! Yeah, I told you soup was dumb, fat ass. Yeah, that's cool. I know I want to cook the food, but that's fine. You should win because you're mad at soup. Don Carlos Taco Shop is our longest and most devoted sponsor. And I got to tell you, I'm glad they are because it's the best Mexican food that you can put in your mouth. You bet your sweet dick, Connor McSpadden.

Yeah. It's conveniently located across the street from the La Jolla Comedy Store in La Jolla, California. They got burritos. They got tacos. Tom, do you eat meat? No. No?

Well, good, because fucking they'll give you a vegetarian one, and that's also really good. Yeah. Yeah. And guess what? If you want to fucking pregame and get your taste buds scintillated before you trip, you head on over to eataborito.com, all right? You look up all the schematics, and frankly, you're probably still not going to be able to decide

by the time you get there. It's an embarrassment of riches. It truly is. This burrito place has a website. I don't even have a website that's functional. That's fucking crazy. How did a burrito make a website? Tom doesn't know, but it happens,

and it's very valuable information. I will be asking them not only for more burritos, but also to manage my website. They are an astute organization. They're great. Well, for your social media management skills, go to eataborrito.com. Definitely hit them up about that and nothing else.

Don Carlos Taco Shop. And when you're down there, pop in, tell them the Mean Boys sent you for some weird looks and maybe some chips because they feel bad for you. We have our own burrito there, right? In theory. We've never designed it. We have our own burrito there, right? In theory. We've never designed it. We'll figure that out.

I think we did. We just don't think we – we had a long burrito meeting and we never sent it over. But, yeah, we'll do that. Go get it. Go eat there. End of ad. Quong. And the Mean Boys Podcast returns.

We close out the show as we always do with a trip to the Mean Boys mailbag. Feel free, as always, to tweet us, anything at Mean Boys Podcast, Twitter, Instagram. Yeah, that's probably the best way to get a hold of us. I'm always, I try to respond. I respond to just about everybody on Twitter, unless you're being real stupid or mean, you know. If you're funny and mean, I'll respond. But if you just, like, say thanks, I'll say thanks back, you know.

Happens very rarely, though. We don't get a lot of shitheads. No, not really. Not anymore. We used to. We had one guy who was very sexually aggressive with Tom on Twitter. Yes, yeah. And then countless more for me.

But yeah, I always love getting the tweets, so thanks for sending those. All right, so let's look at some of our... Atwaywardcross asks, what's a movie you unironically love that everyone else seems to hate? Butterfly Effect. I feel like that comes up a lot with you, the Butterfly Effect. Well, this isn't the first time someone's asked me this question. Oh. Yeah.

Yeah. That's kind of rude, the way we're crossed. Be like, why don't you be more original? Yeah, no, no. Well, no. You feel like it's like in vogue to hate a butterfly effect? A lot of people hate it. And honestly, it's not a good movie.

People just hate Ashton Kutcher is what it is. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah. He's a pretty hateable dude. And honestly, it's not a good movie, but I genuinely enjoy it. How about you, Toby? It's tough. Maybe Sniper.

Okay. I'm trying to think of like a movie. Mark Wahlberg movie? No, Tom Barringer. Oh, weird. From the 90s. Yeah. Okay, I know what you're talking about.

Yeah. I feel like you just watch ASMR videos of dudes reformatting their hard drives. Just imagining Toby's hobbies is the funniest thing to me. No, I mean the recycle bin. I just stream reformatting on Twitch. Yeah, Toby just has heartburn. He looked at a black corn tortilla, and now he's in a bad sort. I don't know.

I got a lot. I like fucking Cube 2 Hypercube. It's not a good movie. It legitimately scared me pretty bad when I watched it. You're insane. Are you talking about Tetris? What is that? It's just a bad horror movie about people are stuck in a cube, but this is like a weird science cube.

I haven't even seen the original cube. I've only seen Cube Zero and Cube Two Hypercube. Wait, wait. He's in the prequel and the sequel, never the original. I can fill in the blanks. Yeah, there was a cube, would be my guess. Yeah, yeah.

Tank Girl, I used to find to watch. I liked that when I was a kid. What's a bad movie? I like a lot of bad shit. Yeah, mine's... I just did a podcast about this for the Unpops Network. Batman Forever, the one with the Riddler and Two-Face. Yeah. I love that... I just did a podcast about this for the Unpops Network. Batman Forever.

The one with the Riddler and Two-Face. Yeah. I love that movie. I went back and re-watched some of it. I'm like, it is the most secretly gay movie that they just snuck into theaters. Oh, yeah?

Every part of that movie is just Joel Schumacher reminding people that he is super gay and that Batman has also been kind of gay forever. That's fun. Yeah, I mean, the nipples on the Batsuit

are the big part. There's a lot of other weird stuff. It literally is a movie about two gay couples fighting. If you guys give a shit about this at all,

go listen to my episode of whatever that's called on the Unpops Network, the Tom Ryman movie. I'll post a link on our Twitter. Oh, you know what? I found one.

If you can find this documentary, it's a hoot. Still Bill, about Bill Withers, who's a wonderful singer. Everyone needs an awesome body of work. And they made a documentary about him. I was like, I've always wondered why Bill Withers got out's a wonderful singer. Everyone needs a great, awesome body of work.

And they made a documentary about him. I was like, I've always wondered why Bill Withers got out of music. This will be interesting to watch. And it's these people who clearly got this all set up and all the permits to make this documentary, and then they started following Bill Withers around and realized he's the most boring man that's ever existed. So they have to try to milk a story out of him,

and it's just simply not there. Or another documentary about fonts called Helvetica, where it's just a bunch of dudes. Oh, you tried to make me watch this a bunch of times. Yeah, just like sitting, and they're just like, well, yeah, I mean, the serifs are for fucking hill people. Just very passionate nerds talking about typography.

Those are both fun to watch. You know what I do love is the movie Hackers, which... Oh, that movie rules! Yeah, yeah, yeah. Which does involve reformatting as one of the books. I love any mid-90s movie about the idea of hacking

when nobody knew how a computer worked. Alright, yeah, somebody rollerblades into the mainframe. I like Tron. It's pretty fun. Oh, Tron is a good one. That's a decent... I mean... Tron's a good movie. It's okay's a decent, I mean. Tron's a good movie. Yeah.

It's okay. Yeah. The Net. Oh, The Net's good. Or what's the one with Patrick Stewart and he's like the bad principal of a school or whatever. I forget. Mastermind.

That is a sex dream you had. Yeah, that's naughty X-Men. It's triple X-Men. Engage. At Snakebitten says, I'm home brewing a new ale at the moment. It's very bitter and pale with a surprisingrewing a new ale at the moment. It's very bitter and pale with a surprising depth of fruitiness just under the surface. Was thinking of calling it Old McSpaddeny.

Yeah. That'd be cool. Yeah, I said some nice things, but I'm not going to read those. Thanks, dude. If you actually do have a craft beer and you name it after me, I'll pose for the label and show you. Oh, my God. If we could have a Mean Boy beer, that would be amazing. That would be funny, yeah.

We have the most promotional tie-in products of any unsuccessful business venture. Yeah, we have an ill-defined burrito in San Diego. Yeah, we're really like Kirkland Washington rap collective levels

of T-shirts and shit with very few actual listeners. Ben Grawl asks, what was your best gig that you thought you were totally going to bomb? I don't know. I'm the best comedian to book for a bad show.

Yeah, you save fucking dirt gigs. Important show? Industry in the audience? Terrible. I'm kind of the same way, honestly. But if you want me to headline the first ever show at a trailer park themed bar in San Diego, I'm going to blow the roof off.

That one I probably I was like, I think I'm too tired, but I was pretty good that night. Yeah, you smashed that one. I thought that was an unsalvageable. When I called two virgins gay in front of their parents while everyone filmed them on their birthday. And then it was a smashing success.

How about you, Toby? It's tough. There's been a lot of rooms with like three people where everyone was like, we got to cancel the show. And we're like, fuck it, we're doing it. And then it ends up being great. I got one when I had to dress up like Han Solo to host the Battle of the Bands in Corona.

Oh, yeah. For $75 when I was like 20. And this dude was like it's called Band Wars it's a Star Wars themed battle of the bands and he's like I want you to dress

like a punk rock Han Solo I'll give you $75 we'll do it every week for six weeks and I was like I really need that $75 so I put together this shitty Han Solo costume

and I'm just like sitting backstage and there's like 19 people that are just there to see their fucking cousin shitty metal band and I have to go out and I have to do

I have to basically do an hour and a half every night 15 minutes between all the bands sitting up and tearing down and i'm just sitting backstage just going the fuck am i doing this is gonna be humiliating this is i was i was gonna go to college like what the hell is happening and then i got on it was fine yeah yeah i was like no that's fine cool thank you for that i did i did one show in the back of uh uh it was in east in East London in the back of an illegal shisha bar. Bro, that's an amazing – what the fuck is shisha? Is it like a hash bar?

No, it's like hookah. But it's all like East Africans. So it's in the back. It's not licensed, but it's all like Somalis and Ethiopians. People are wearing – What a great place for you to hide. I know, right? It looks like it's about to go burst into

flames because there's just open flames. That's like your Saddam styrofoam bunker in the desert. Toby Murashan, who finally tracked down in a spicy food warehouse somewhere. Tracked down near black people. He was just at a barbershop. So you were just doing

stand-up in the back of this fucking opium? Yeah, yeah, kind of. That's awesome. But it went real well. Nice, Tom. When was the last time you surprised yourself at a gig? Oh, because I thought it was going to be bad and it was good? Yeah.

Tom's been asleep. I'm sorry. I mean, it's either, look, every show for me is either it's bad and then it's good or it's bad and then I make it fucking terrible. I make it hostile. So, I mean, last week, I don't know. That sounds like all of the gigs. Speaking of hostile shows, do you want to tell the story of what happened at Carmen Bar with Samir? I want, not right now.

I don't know if we're going to get him in. Yeah. If we don't, next episode I will. But it's just... You got to love being a broadcasting partner. Some of you are like, hey, you want to tell a really funny story? He's like, no. No, I do not want to create a comedy.

No, I don't think so. No, Tom was pretty good. I went and had him host for me outside of a campfire at a Mexican family reunion in Northern California. I forgot about that. Yeah, that was one of the first times we hung out. Got heckled by a pickup truck? That was funny.

At I Roll 20's, ask, any tips for someone who has to get out of bed at 5.30 a.m. for work and fucking hates it? Shoot yourself, Coke. He took my answer. I don't know. Toby, I feel like you probably get up the earliest. Not to say. You know probably get up the earliest. Not to say.

You know? Yeah, the earliest. That's for sure. Earlier than all of us. I started getting up actually in the morning, and I feel like it makes my brain work better. I used to be asleep until noon every day. Well, your brain produces more serotonin earlier in the day. I do like to get up early, but I also stay up late, so it's tough.

Yeah, that's my thing. But I like getting up at 630. That's fucking nice. If I can do that, yeah. I'm going on three hours of sleep today, so it's tough. Yeah, that's my thing. But I like getting up at 6.30. That's fucking nice. If I can do that, yeah. I'm going on three hours of sleep today, so I'm regretting this policy, but in general, yes. Yeah, I don't know. Fucking...

For a while, I was waking up at like 7.30 every day and running like a crazy person. From who? Myself. No, I was just like, it's such a boring answer because I don't want to... It's just like you just go to bed early or inconsistently. You go to bed at the same time every night and wake up at the same time every morning.

Now Toby's fired up. He's talking about consistent ass bedtimes. This is the most excited you've gotten. Bro, let me fucking tell you something about 11.30 p.m. That is the optimum time. All right, I've got a bedtime app that tracks my body movements and wakes me up after a REM cycle is done. And then my Apple Home is set up to pop my toast just so I can have enough energy to get to the bagel store. I try it on.

I checked out and just kind of kept chuckling because I'm like, I know what he's saying is probably funny. I just stopped paying attention. It was mildly. It was like, man. All right, one more tweet. At DatDutyLM asked, as a fellow fat man, what is the least Keith has weighed

compared to current weight? Same for Tom, just curious. I think the absolute last it was was like six pounds, seven ounces. That's exactly why I asked. I read that tweet. I knew that was going to happen. Oh, damn.

I didn't even think of that. I don't have as many fat rebuttals. Rebutters is what they're called i mean am i absolutely heavy as i was like big old butters we're big old butters i was just under 300 pounds at my absolute heaviest i was like 295 297 and then uh i dropped from that to like 200. And now I'm at like – and then I went back up and now I'm at 227. Yeah, Tom looks good, dude. Yeah, you look great, dude. My heaviest was I think –

It's bad. 330. And then, yeah, I'm at like 240 right now. And that's pretty much the least I've weighed since like I've been a grown-up. That's fucking awesome. Yeah. I used to weigh like 215 pounds when I was semi-jacked. Right.

That was nice. And then when I had MRSA and mono, I was probably like high 160s. I was real fucking skinny. Yeah, I remember you were a fucking Jack Skellington. I was a ghost for a bit. Yeah, you were ghoulish. Toby, have you ever been fat? No.

You sure? I've been skinny fat. I've been skinny fat. I was fat yeah i was yeah i was like your secret fat ah not now but like uh i don't know i go up and down i'm like probably as fat as well he's just he's just storing he's just storing bitcoin in his cheeks i wasn't fat until i took i had to take fucking anti-psychotics and i went from like 170 to like 250 in like four days. Well, they had to wrap him in a piece of cheese. Yeah, post-apocalyptic. God damn it. I think like – because what happened with me is I would always just waist down to 145 if I wasn't watching my weight no matter what I was eating.

And then I tried to like gain weight, so I worked out a lot. I got up to like 175. Okay. And then I just turned like 30. Yeah. And then I stopped working out, so I worked out a lot. I got up to 175, and then I just turned 30. And then I stopped working out, and I stayed that weight. Gotcha, gotcha, gotcha. Yeah, so the seesaw ended, basically. You have a scar on your arm.

Yeah, I broke my arm in half. Whoa, doing what? That must have been one hell of a D20 roll. Hey, man, you work hard, You abacus hard, bro. Yeah, dude. I keep just taking these lazy ass nerd podcasts. I know. You didn't just put out a three hour podcast about Yu-Gi-Oh. I know.

I'm a hypocrite. Anyway, what happened? I fell off a fence. I was climbing over it. It was like running across country. Trying to hang out with your boy in the strap of jams. Sorry. That was great it's either like anti-semitism or elite speak i don't know both are acceptable uh well you want you got that voicemail ball that yeah my headphones just cut out so that's okay there's mine that minor in and out yeah mine too this entire operation is

short-circuiting at an astonishing fucking rate that was a movie it's brought. Mine are in and out. Yeah, mine too. This entire operation is short-circuiting at an astonishing fucking rate. That was a movie. But it gets brought to you by in and out. Oh. God fucking shit ass. What happened? Fart, damn it. Fucking, God, there we go.

Okay, shit. Must be the money. All right. Oh, we got another long ass hemorrhoid voicemail it looks like. Oh my God. Seriously? Yeah. All right. Oh, we got another long-ass hemorrhoid voicemail. Oh, my God. Yeah. We had a guy call in last week and leave us a very long, detailed message on how to deal with hemorrhoids.

So let's review. Very important and serious topic of hemorrhoids. And while the follow-up was equally important, if not more so, condition of feline rectal prolapse. Rectal prolapse causes the extrusion or pushing out of... Why do I feel like you're explaining this to me while you're leaning on a country fence? Now, rectal prolapse is what happens when a man and a man

hate God very much together. He said feline, right? We're talking about cat assholes. I want to know what this guy's day job is. I think this is his day job. Spreading the word about feline rectal pro. I think his day job

is being for his gump. I feel like he learned this at his night job. The interlayer of the rectum. Damn near killed him. I like that one. It was also straining

to defecate, urinate, or even give birth. Putting out them babies. putting out them babies. Putting out them babies. Visual inspection of the symptoms. Chewing on a long piece of bread. Sausage or donut-like mass.

Oh, God. Talk about Tom that way. And provides an accurate diagnosis of erect prolapse. The risk of left untreated in a feline will be that they were unable to eliminate stool from the anus. Why is that? Who describes shitting as, I must eliminate stool? Was this sent to the San Francisco Chronicle along with the location of a body?

Also be abraded or injured. Man are stupid. Women are intelligent. You Dr. Phil ass. It is paramount importance. You're going to want to identify the underlying cause of your feline rectal prolapse.

We don't even have a cat. I think he means female. If these problems are present, they must be corrected. Oh, it says veterinarian later in the text. Why did he tell us this? I don't know. It can be manually replaced. You can push that right back in there.

Just pop it back in. And for it to be placed into the anus in order for it to restrict the anal opening, and you want to prevent another prolapse. Here's the thing about the anal health voicemails. We always have to listen to the whole thing. Yeah. A balloon or like one of those. This is also available as an audio book.

Shooting through. And in those severe instances, the prolapsed retinal tissue. Just cram a cork up. tissue is traumatized when it's abraded. Are you sponsored by honorable.com? You're going to be removed by your veterinarian. So, yeah, that is a cat. Yeah. Make sure you take care of yourselves. Take care of your kitty cat.

Don't have one. And have a great day. Have a car now. You fucking people fucking freak me out, dude. What a weird thing that you chose to do with your time. Thank you, I guess. All right, let's see with this one. This has got a lot.

I see the word Keith and Dick a lot in the predictive text, so it's probably going to be a good one. Hey, Mean Boys. I've been listening for a while, and I love what you're doing. This is the same guy. Oh, it's the same guy. Yeah, it's the same one from the other day, I guess. Yeah, we only have that one new one to play.

Wait, did we already play that one? We already played that one. Yeah, I think so. What was that one? That was the one where he's like, if you come to Pittsburgh, I'll let you suck my dick. All right, bye. Oh, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, no, I'm good. Yeah, so we just got one new three-minute voicemail about cat butthole. I feel like if you want to leave a voicemail about the animal anus of your choosing dial up 304-805-MEAN-6326. That was a question in the mailbag. Why is,

why do we have a West Virginia area code? Cause that's the only way I could get mean in the letters on Google voice. So that's what it is now. Let's look at land this plane. Toby, dude, thank you for coming, man.

Hey, my pleasure. Where can they find you online? What do you want to plug tomorrow? Is this going up tonight? This goes up to, what is it? Tuesday. It goes up on coming, man. Hey, my pleasure. Where can they find you online? What do you want to plug? Tomorrow. Is this going up tonight? This goes up to, what is it today? Tuesday. It goes up on Tuesday. Okay. Check out the podcast. Unsafe Space is my podcast.

Comedians do stand-up on controversial topics. It's about a cat's butthole. Turns out there's a lot of drama going on down there. A lot of drama. A lot of stool needs eliminating. Yeah, and then there's a discussion with experts and cat buttholes or whatever. Yeah.

It's a live show at the Improv, but it's also recorded as a podcast, unsafe spaceshow.com. The podcast that got a shout-out on Roast Battle instead of Mean Boys. That was nice of Brian Moses. Yeah, it was real fun. Instead he brought me up as Ventura's funniest bisexual. I really appreciate that, pal. But yeah, Toby's great.

Took it as podcast. I'm sorry. I was shaking cables throughout his entire performance, pausing only to call him Jewish and lame, like a really good host does. Oh, man. All right. Want to wrap this thing up? Tom, you got anything you want to plug?

Yeah. February 18th, I will be at the Hollywood Improv Lab. Nice. So please come out to that. Yeah, tomorrow, January 31st, there'll be a Comedy Juice in the main room at the Hollywood Improv, 10-15. That'll be a lot of fun. Please come out and laugh at my jokes about my butthole and Nazis and shit so that all the suits don't get creeped out by me. Give me a little buffer room of mean boys love.

Oklahoma, I'm coming back. The Shrine in Tulsa, February 8th. Oklahoma Music Hall of Fame in Muskogee on the 9th. In Sand Springs, Oklahoma, somewhere on the 10th. I'll have more details for those on my website. Headlining comedy off mainstream in Glendaria. Glendaria is Glend, Arizona. No, it's actually in Mesa, Arizona.

I wrote this shit wrong. I've got to get a better fucking calendar. Anyway, I'm there February 23rd and 24th headlining. And on the horizon, I'm coming back to fucking Austin, Texas in June headlining the Velveeta Room, 15th and 16th. So make sure you're around. The Velveeta Room? Yeah. Or it's just called The Velve now, but it was called The Velveeta Room.

Like the cheese? Yeah, Tom. Tom, you've piqued his interest. And down here in SoCal Headlining the Ontario Improv Of March 20th That'll be a fun show My buddy Alfonso is on that He's hilarious

Come out to that February 13th I'm at the Rec Room In Huntington Beach February 15th I am at the Good Night In North Hollywood And February 20th

I'm at the Comedy Store Here in Ha On Sunset Here in Ha Here in Ha I was trying to remember If I had another thing to plug Yeah more shows Coming up soon

And we'll be announcing Tour dates very very soon Yeah probably next week Yeah I think Yeah next week We'll probably be able to drop At least some of them Alright

That's the show guys Fuck everything God is dead See you next time.