Mean Boys - EP 109 - Sleep Violence

Episode Date: February 8, 2018

Support the show on Patreon: www.patreon.com/meanboys This week’s segments include “Mexican Joke Off”, "Porn Comment or Yelp Review", “Star Wars”, and a game of "Which of the Following" with things Tom has said by Ethan Becker. Come see us on tour! Most ticket links are live, if they're not, jump on our email list: meanboyspodcast.com Fuck with the new Mean Boys subreddit: www.reddit.com/r/meanboys/ Subscribe to our YouTube channel: www.youtube.com/channel/UC0hvkj7TOPzMdJbKIh1L_hw Shop Sudio headphones and use promo code "MEANBOYS" for 15% off all purchases: goo.gl/JWBAJK Contribute to the Mean Boys wiki: mean-boys.wikia.com/wiki/Mean_Boys_Wiki Send us an email at [e-mail] or leave us a voicemail at [phone] We are proudly sponsored by Don Carlo's Taco Shop in La Jolla California (www.eataburrito.com) Follow the show on Twitter: twitter.com/meanboyspodcast Follow Keith on Twitter: twitter.com/keithtellsjokes Follow Connor on Twitter: twitter.com/connormcspadden Follow Tom on Twitter: twitter.com/gossgoss6 Visit us on the web: www.meanboyspodcast.com Like us on Facebook: www.facebook.com/meanboyspodcast Follow us on Instagram: instagram.com/meanboyspodcast Follow us on Soundcloud: @meanboyspodcast Theme: I’ve Seen Footage by Death Grips (itunes.apple.com/us/album/the-mon…tore/id515449028) Buy Keith’s album (itunes.apple.com/us/album/forever-nap/id1105182043) Podcast logo by Luis Galvez: twitter.com/luiagal Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Sup dudes, it's the Mean Boys Podcast. Sup nerds. Going on tour! To the tour, tour, tour. If you skipped the last intro, don't fucking skip this one. Yeah, do not skip the intro. We're going on tour, we've been talking about it forever. We finally announced the dates.

We are going to Wisconsin, we're going to Chicago, we're going to Fort Wayne, Indiana, we're going to Detroit, we're going to Cleveland, Pittsburgh, D.C., Philadelphia, and New York motherfucking city! We're touring, touring, torn, torn. What? We're torn. Okay. I was trying to contribute.

Tom is fired from the tour. So, guys, if you're coming out to see Tom, we are sorry. Ramsey and the Toms. I can tease this. Might be a special guest appearance from Ramsey in New York and Opie in D.C. We might be able to meet up with some of the, you might be able to meet some of the roommates. The Mean Boys expanded universe. I mean, if you weren't sold on these three guys who were producing a little bit of crack

out, what about their less popular friends? Dude, this is like when I see like Jared and Brandy from fucking Storage Wars are doing a signing at Frankincense in the city of industry, a town that only exists to launder money for fucking soap manufacturers. But anyway, these shows are going to be amazing. And here's a note that I made last time. If you know the podcast is weird and you think it's scary or fucked up or something, I don't really think it is, but you don't want to show your friends.

The stand-up show, we're all good comedians. I'm not going to make Keith tell everybody about getting fucked by a dog on most of these live shows. Some of them, it might come up. It's going to come up. I might do the stand-up bit about it. We're very funny. Bring the squad. It'll be a good night out.

If you've got a girlfriend you take to the show you will be able to fuck afterwards and that is my promise we will get every mean boys fan laid if they bring like a potential target absolutely you want to know exactly what we're getting into the cities but we'll try to like get lunch or dinner with you guys you know we'll fucking hang out uh we'll spray paint your t-shirts we'll have all our fucking oh yeah bring swag yeah all that shit and uh yeah again and we're about to leave for this shit and we got to buy a lot of plane tickets and bus tickets. So if you haven't already, please support the show on Patreon.

Five bucks a month gives you weekly bonus content. At this point, there's like 30 episodes of that shit. Yeah. You have literally like a whole day of fucking material. Oh, absolutely. You can listen to just the Mean Boys fucking Snark Week Meltdown just as a psychological study. Yeah.

If you want to hear a man's brain die. And then a Monopoly game. Yeah. You can hear us play a full game of Monopoly. There's also really good stuff on that. We got the Carnock pilot table read. That was a ton of fun. And thank you again for fucking responding to that, everybody.

You guys are very sweet. And $10 a month gives you a little goodie. Every single month in the mail, it could be a sticker, a fucking button. We did beer koozies, keychains. This month it's magnets. Magnets, all that kind of shit. And it's only $10 a month. It's pretty fucking easy.

And you're not going to make a huge difference in the life of Joe Rogan by buying Onnit products. God bless you. Make your money. But $5 a month, we're like African kids over here. Look, we're off it. We need to get on it. Feed us the nutritional supplement of your $5. Yeah, it really helps out the old me and boys.

So please do that. Also, leave us a review on iTunes because when we get to 250 iTunes reviews, guess what? I'm going to try and eat a full bowl of soup on the air. Please leave in your review the kind of soup you want me to eat. Here's what I love about this is that every time you bring it up, it's getting more reviews and more vague. It went from like 200, I'll definitely eat soup, to 250, I'll definitely eat soup, to 250, I'll try to eat soup. If I throw up, I'm out. I think that's fair.

If we get 9,000 iTunes review, I'm going to look at some soup. It's 250, and I will eat a full bowl of soup. I was going to see if Tom wanted to watch Claymation, but I'm a nice guy and I don't want to make you give it a fucking clay headache. Maybe I'll watch Claymation as you eat soup.

Alright guys, Krasny Veshov writes, Thoroughly reprehensible. Though thoroughly reprehensible, offensive to basically everyone. Could never recommend it to any of my friends for fear they'd disown me. I love it five stars. Fuck yeah, dude.

That's one of my favorites. Again, we're not even that bad, but I guess you guys just have a bunch of lame-ass friends. Yeah, so your friends are fucking dorks. Please tell them to come to our live show. Banana Land. Whatever the fuck your name was. We would really appreciate it.

So yeah, drop an iTunes review. It helps legitimize the show, make us look real. And you guys will get to feel my fucking very tangible autistic suffering as I try to eat fucking lobster bisque or whatever. Oh, it's good. You wish you were getting lobster.

You're getting canned clam chowder, my man. Oh, God, dude. That's going to blow so hard. But you don't have to eat the clam. Oh, the can. Nice one, Tom. Nice one. You fucking chowder.

A flippity-joo-butt. Did you guys finish that? Shut your fat mouth. All right, that's it. Here's the show. Hey everybody, welcome to the Mean Boys Podcast. You miss 100% of the shots because you suck at hockey. I'm Keith Gary. I'm Tom Goss.

And I'm... An effeminate rooster. Yeah, baby. Cockadoodle, hey. Cockadoodle hairdo. Speaking of roosters, we're recording this at uh mean boys four in the morning aka noon everybody i had to rouse tom nothing feels worse than waking you up tom i feel like such a monster every time i have to do it i have gotten so much better about waking

up and not immediately screaming at whoever's done it it used to be afraid of waking me up tom you look so you look so serene and peaceful when you're asleep. It's kind of beautiful. Yeah. You're just like hugging blankets, and you just look calm and undisturbed. And I want to leave you there, you know? I already told you about one of my- With weird-looking shaped dreams, you know?

Yeah, I'm counting cubes. Good night, Goomba. I told you about one of my first sleepovers. This is going to be good. Oh, yeah. Is this when you watched Girls Gone Wild in your hockey coach's attic?overs. This is going to be good. Oh, yeah. Is this when you watched Girls Gone Wild in your hockey coach's attic? No.

Yeah, it was negative one. I was sleeping in a womb. This is before that. No, this is... Yeah, I don't know how they got a DiGiorno in there, but it was very burnt. This is my old friend. Not friend anymore, but my friends Keon and Pasha. And Keon slept in his room.

Me and Pasha slept in the guest room. And it was like there was a bed on the floor and there was a bed above that. And we're just all up all night playing Madden and fall asleep. And I wake up and Posh's face looks fucked up. He had like some black eyes. And I was like, dude, what the hell did you do after you fell asleep? He was like, well, you were staring like a dragon. So I threw a pillow at you and then you punched me in the face

and went right back to sleep. Holy shit. Don't remember that. You go fucking straight up like Mr. Hyde when you're up. I've cut back on the sleep violence. I'm very proud of myself. Yeah, well, I know that about you. We've got an episode titled Sleep Violence.

I know that about you and every time I walk through the kitchen in the morning or at noon and you're still asleep, I'm like very timid. It's like a game of don't wake daddy, except daddy might have just a hammer. Well, yeah, but it's also just like, I mean, I know you look peaceful, but a lot of the times the sounds you make, it's like your fucking neck is fist fighting your lungs.

Yeah, no, I feel like that's improved too. Overall sleep, I used to, yeah, I was a... Yeah, you and I are competing for most upsetting sleep. Yeah, I am buying like a fucking duffel bag full of earplugs before we go on this tour. Oh, it's not going to work. You're so fucked. Some tickets available now, guys. Check them out.

Thankfully, I have studio headphones to cancel it. We're just making this a completely like fucking integrated native ad podcast. Totally fake out. Every eight minutes, we're like... We need to take a minute To talk about Stamps.com Here's the real deal about Don Carlos Taco Shop You guys I was at Don Carlos the other day

Four years ago I want to go back It's real tasty I like how we talk about it like it's Mecca No it's fucking really It's fucking amazing We could We have access to it

I snore too You could literally go there after this. Yeah. We could. We can't afford to. Yeah, we have cars. Yeah. Yeah, I snore, too. And I know this from my girlfriend, but I never would have thought I did. I never really. I feel like I'm like, oh, I'm fucking fine. I'm fine with snoring, but I guess I snore pretty bad. Yeah, when we were on the road, there were a few minutes where you fell asleep before me,

and I was just like, oh, yeah, he's fucking noisy as hell. Oh, yeah, and it's just like, yeah, a little taste of your own medicine, buddy. I can sleep through anything. If I'm caught up on sleep, I don't snore. But the more sleep-deprived I am, the more vicious the sounds I make. The only thing about you guys snoring, and it's not even particularly loud or bad, it's just so inconsiderate. It's like a dubstep song.

You never know what the next movement is going to bring sonically. This sleep brats, you buy Skrillex. Whip, whip, whip, whip, whip, whip, whip, whip, whip. Yeah. There's no peaceful rhythm to it. Yeah, no. There's no like, oh, I can tune this out and get adjusted to it. It's like there's a Mucinex goblin conducting this fucking nightmare orchestra in your head.

But anyway, we're all fucking fired up. Yeah. It's fucking 12, 13 in the morning the morning yeah we're fired up and it's early uh yeah yeah all right uh the mexican joke off tom with the attitude of like i'm going to catch a 5 a.m flight and not children in school are coming back from lunch right now. Yeah, man. All right, guys. Are you going to take it on? Sure, yeah. These all kind of suck.

Philadelphia Eagles fans laid waste to their city after their team won their first Super Bowl on Sunday. Well, unable to attend in person, Pat Barker blew up his toilet in solidarity. That guy must be taking a horrible celebratory dump. He's not an Eagles fan. Oh, really? Yeah, because he hates the fans.

Oh, really? I can't imagine why. I forgot what his team is, but he's like, yeah, I just refuse to root for him after a certain point. Yeah. Please do not burn Philadelphia all the way down, because we are coming there. Yeah, did anyone else see those photos and be like,

I thought this was so Philly? His favorite team is the Glassell Park Dominoes staff. Those guys really come together and make a beautiful product. I saw those photos. I was like, this is how I always imagined Philly. I don't really think this is... Hey, Philly, we'll see you soon. A child in Boston was burned alive as part of a bizarre voodoo ritual.

In related news, apparently they burned a better kid in Philadelphia. I wasn't totally paying attention. What happened? Voodoo magic. They burned a kid alive in a voodoo thing in Philadelphia. I wasn't totally paying attention. What happened? Voodoo magic. They burned a kid alive in a voodoo thing in Boston, and the joke was they burned a better kid in Philadelphia because they had to be in the matrix. Yeah, it's like a voodoo thing.

Yeah. I got it. I'm just slow. That was pretty funny. I know. I liked it. I laughed. What I really loved about it was explaining it.

I'm very sick. I have a limited amount of voice left. Well, I'm glad I'm making you use it here. Yeah. It's better for something that would be funny for the listeners. Yeah, what a good use of our energy. Yeah, no, it's... I like the joke.

Thank you, Tom. Keith is on, like, nuclear submarine power. The red lights are on in his eyes. Aldi. You guys know Aldi? The bags of food people? Aldi? They're bags of food people. Aldi? They're bags of food people.

Aldi recalls... What the fuck does that mean? No, I need you to back up and explain a little better. Aldi recalled 38,000 bags of peas after someone found half a rat in them. The other half of the band will be touring Europe in the fall. What? Is this like a pun on band and band and like a death metal thing? There's a band called Rat. Oh, okay.

Yeah. It makes it funnier once I explore it, too. Shockingly, I did not immediately connect those two things. That was a... You know, here's the thing. We talk about how bad your jokes are. And I feel like I oversell it sometimes. I don't want a cried wolf situation.

But that was breathtakingly incoherent and unfunny. I thought I could. On every conceivable level. The whole bags of food preamble. On every conceivable level that a joke could be bad, it was bad. You made me understand it less because if I just heard that joke, context clues would tell me that Aldi is a frozen vegetable manufacturer. Yeah, look.

When you said bags of food, people, I'm like, is this a charity? Is this just one homeless guy? Is this a guy Tom knows that was in the news? That wasn't part of the written joke. That was just me waking up. So good thing the rest of it is sound. I guess that's a real beauty. That was like the monologue joke version of The Room.

Just like that was so bad, I want to re-listen to it and have a screening for it. What was it? Oh, The Room, not Room. Okay. Yeah. Very different film. I was like, how is this bag of peas like a kid watching his mom? It's much less acceptable to laugh through the sex scenes in Room.

Okay, guys. Logic's performance at the Grammy tripled calls to the suicide hotline. Damn, I didn't think it was that bad. Was he like raising awareness? I think that was last year. Was it? Did he do it again? Maybe, I don't know.

You read an old news story? It was on Reddit news, and I refused to read it. That's weird. Yeah, I think that was from last year. Unless he did the same thing again. He's like, still don't kill yourself. Just a reminder, we're going to do this every year now. Maybe they just got the data in this year

like, wow, from that time it tripled because of logic. A guy who I don't really know who he is. A St. Louis teacher is in hot water for using drug deals as examples in math problems. The school board said it is outrageous to expect students to answer these questions because

snitches get stitches. And they're all on drugs yeah there you go yeah for sure everybody's fucking doing great get this morning i'm already so bummed out that we're recording this podcast sometimes all right good addition tom lead all right excellent okay all right yeah Good addition, Tom Don't bleed Excellent Reports that sex trafficking is at an all-time high during the Super Bowl You guys know the Super Bowl The bags of food people It's that bowl of football bowl Look out for sex traffic on the I-5, the 101, and the 134.

Thank you, Opie. Thank you. Fuck you, too. Yeah, I really enjoyed... God, that was awful. Opie, come in here, please, and say that on mic. Or not. I could stay too long, but that was so...

All right, Opie's walking in the appearance from Opie that was awful shirtless Opie just appeared like an archangel look it got the laugh the magic thing happened

this Sunday so you were right oh it did happen this Sunday okay but that was awful it was funny but it was bad

alright well thanks Opie I love that that just happened those are my favorite podcast moments is when our roommates just pop in and yell at you. Oh, I'm so excited for the rest of this joke. All right, guys.

For this next joke, I have an in-studio News Anchor earpiece that I'm going to be utilizing. So just know that that's going on. South Korea says North Korea stole billions of dollars worth of cryptocurrency last year. Update. Millions. Update. Hundreds. Update.

7,000 Southwest Rapid Rewards points worth of cryptocurrency. Shit is millions update hundreds update 7 000 southwest rapid rewards points worth of cryptocurrency shit is crashing y'all that's why i got it that's why i got in at the all-time high and got out immediately afterwards because i'm a good investor that's very funny a recent study claims that pizza may be a healthier breakfast than cereal this study has been verified by trump's newest cabinet appointment, Surgeon General The Noid. Yeah, this is Secretary of Defense

The Rock Johnson. If you had to guess which mean boy ate pizza for breakfast this morning, you would be shocked at the answer. Me? It was in my car for hours. Yeah. And I would have had a PB&J, but I lent you guys all my bread. So this is where we're at.

Uh... And I didn't want to use the heel, because I'm still bougie, even though I'm incredibly poor. Broken bougie. Yeah. After ten years missing, a Pennsylvania family has found a black lab and, uh... What word is that? Oh, and... You wrote it.

A black lab and claim they think he spent that time in the witness protection agency. The dog was actually responsible for reporting the sex traffic on the I-5, the 101, the 134. Roof, roof. There's a shipping container full of sex slaves. Roof, roof. What? What? What's that, boy?

A sketchy massage parlor on Sunset. I don't know what you're doing. I don't know why I tried to riff that better. I should have just let you die on that punchy stick. Oh, man. I'm real worried about what your next one is going to be, because I have a feeling we're not out of this weird fucking herald of bullshit you're building here.

Hey, guys. Come out to see these live shows on the road, because I will be selling tomatoes for a dollar a piece outside. Tomatoes. Those are for Tom. You throw those at Tom when he is bad. That'll happen a lot. Nice.

I always do love when I trigger a respiratory attack in Keith. You broke me. All right, guys. The New Mexico bill would force high school students to apply for at least one college. I don't know who this bill guy is, but he sounds like he just wants the best for these kids. I think that's about the 10th version of I don't know who this Bill guy is. You guys are on these adorable puns today. I kind of love it.

I wrote these all. I was like, I'm going to get every week. You say, oh, I just wrote them in the car. That's not what you do every week. It's just standard now. We know. Sometimes I work hard on them, but I just, I want to inform you. It happens. It does happen. And sadly, those are usually

even worse. But I just want to tell the listeners, every single episode of Mean Boys barely comes out. We barely, barely happens. It's true. Yeah, Opie, come in here. Opie, did you hear my next joke? Yeah, I did.

Thank you. The callback. All right. Today, Trayvon Martin would have been 23 and his hoodie would have been 8. Hey. It would have been funny if there was no bunch of people. You just walked in and said, Trayvon would have been 23 and then just stormed out. That was the first time I met Tamar Neighbors. He goes up on stage, all black crowd, and goes, Trayvon Martin's still dead.

Opie, can we tell the listeners about... No, no, no. Nothing. Opie's not doing anything. All right. Fucking peace and love, dog. You leaving? I'm not leaving.

Kill him, buddy. Have fun being the bad guy in Black Panther. Oh, does he look like him? Yes. Okay. Yeah, dude. Fucking Opie's Nickelodeon-ass haircut just keeps getting better and better every day i fucking love it all right uh keith yeah all right a new law was passed in wales banning people from piercing their children's genitals the law is called

the we shouldn't have to tell you not to fucking do that act isn't it called the prince of wales piercing or prince charles you think of the prince albert oh what's the prince albert there was a whale in there your dick oh okay yeah I didn't know that was a thing. What's a whale piercing? I know all my fucking, I know all my fun, like, gay underground slang from you. Like, oh, yeah, getting paused up. Yeah. There's no whale piercing?

No whale, I mean, I guess a whale piercing is a harpoon. I thought there was something called a whale. I'm pretty proud of that. A whale piercing. You remember when you stepped on a nail? I think you got your answer. Yeah, whale piercing. But enough you stepped on a nail? I think you got your answer. Yeah, whale piercing. But enough about my ex-wife.

Oh! I had to get one of them Tetris injections so my mouth didn't close up. Yeah, that would have been nice. That's mean. Imagine Tom gets locked, John. He has to be like, Dog was on the freeway. That was rough.

Dude, nothing would be funnier than if Tom had to talk through a Stephen Hawking computer just because it would be like... I feel like that wouldn't be very funny to me but you've seen him text so you know how long it would take him to say anything oh yeah you know we'd make sure we give him a key well tom's m on his phone works like six percent of the time oh no that's just me being lazy now it works now oh okay good uh here's the thing i'll try to fix it once if i've noticed it and if it if it auto corrects or something else again i just don't give a fuck yeah yeah a lot of gotta uh be on tines um all right uh okay you said a lot of gotta be on tines which is i don't know thank you all

right you ready okay okay a japanese scientist has discovered a chemical in McDonald's fries can cure baldness. Good news for anyone who wants to replace being unfuggably bald with being unfuggably fat. Nice. Here's the problem. That actually was a pretty good joke. I was just waiting for it to circle back to the dog in the traffic. Yeah, I think we should just take a moment and appreciate that none of us are going bald or balding. We all got pretty good hair.

Yeah. Yeah. That is cool. I have like a little bald patch in the back. Yeah, that's normal. Was that from some kind of accident

or it just kind of grows that way? No, yeah, I just have weird hair. Yeah, you try to fuck a flamethrower or something? Yeah, yeah, I got fucked up

with a flamethrower. Just hit one patch of my hair. That would be one of Keith's healthier sexual encounters. Yeah. All right, guys.

Finally, new workplace rules have left Whole Foods employees crying on the job. Under new regulations, workers are no longer allowed to burn incense in the break room, have armpit dreads, or answer customer questions with Regina Spector lyrics. That's the kind of things that would happen at that place, everybody. Regina Spector is an interesting poll for that. That just seems like what the people that work at Whole Foods. I don't know who Regina Spector is. I don't even really know who she is either But it felt right

She sounds like a spider You don't know who she is but you know who she is Maybe She like plays piano and has emotions I really like this one it's real stupid China has begun installing new technologically advanced Toilets in government buildings This is a welcome replacement for China's original toilet

Your coke Hey hell yeah. That's my favorite reference. I don't know why. We've got to start having a scoreboard for some of these blank dice clay. We've done a lot of pee-pee in your Coke material.

If there's an Asian, there's got to be a pee-pee in your Coke. I don't know who this Bill guy is. There's a few, like, just fucking... We can find one that combines all three. I don't know who this Bill dice clay is, but he's peeing in your coke. What we do is we just take things that are familiar to you.

It's like a retirement home for podcasting. We're just like, you remember Carnock? What if he watched the Grammys? Oh, I don't care for those. Yeah, well... You're not getting Carnock today. Sure, isn't that making the train... You sound Carnockian enough without the...

Thank you. Nope. I don't know what that was. That was a bad idea is what it was. Oh, yeah. That sounded like Trump's voice in his head. What? I don't know.

It's me. Come on, buddy. One of us has to pull it together. I'm warming up. I just want to put my brain in your mouth because that could work. Oh, no. The mouth is most of my brain's problems, dude. Tom,

we're replacing Tom with the food bag people. Aldi. Condescending me about the name you learned three hours ago when you scribbled this down. It was last night. Alright, man who's dying of all these Heimers. A woman was

reprimanded by police for leaving her newborn baby in the car. Only for the cops to find out it was actually a plastic baby doll. The cop apologized saying, sorry, my mind isn't in the right place. I got caught up in a lot of sex traffic.

Hell yeah, Tom. Wow, you did that other different one to throw us. I did. Oh, man. The joke here, traffic has two very different meanings. It does. When you confuse them, it's comedy gold. Waggity schmackity, et cetera.

You get it. Well played, you beautiful idiot. All right, guys. We're going to go do some key bumps off of some stickers and fucking try to get back on track here. And the Mean Boys podcast will return in a moment with something else. The Mean Boys podcast is brought to you by Sudio Headphones.

This is Sudio. Sudio Headphones are fucking great, man. I love them. I use them every single day. And here's the thing. They fucking rip. Here's the thing about them. If you're going to splurge on something,

get something nice and quality, like, what do you do more than listen to shit? You know, what do you do? What happens more than... It's like, get a good bed, get a good TV, get a good car. Your good car between you and the world yeah you need to keep that strong and this is just a good solid fucking investment they're very comfortable they sound fantastic it's absolutely like your magic thank you tom uh we did this while he was uh

trying to put a file on a flash drive so hopefully he'd be too distracted to uh pop in and mr ear magic you shut your fat mouth but yeah studios are great yeah studios are fucking awesome uh and guess what if you hop on over to studioswedan.com they've got like earbud things that like fit around your neck that are very sexy and cool they got the headphones we're wearing the regents right now that's the premium on your model and uh you're getting a 15 discount with promo code mean boys that's just mean boys m-e-a-n-b-o-y-s you know how to spell mean boys you're listening to the show. You got to it on iTunes somehow. And they're going to get 15% off free shipping all over the world.

These are a fucking amazing gift. If it's your significant other's birthday and you really want to fucking, you know, if you can't lay down the necessary dick to please them, you're going to want them to slide open a nice fancy Swedish box. Get talked by Swedish audio. Absolutely. So thank you for supporting the show, Studio. Thank you guys for buying them.

Head on over to studioswedan.com, promo code Mean Boys. Snap them up. And the you for supporting the show, Studio. Thank you guys for buying them. Head on over to studiosweden.com, promo code MEANBOYS. Snap them up. And the Mean Boys podcast is back, everybody. After some straight-up retarded nonsense. Do you play a fan-submitted round of one of our favorite games, Porn Comment or Yelp Review? Oh, hell yeah. This is the worst Indian place in Brentwood.

This one comes to us from at dark underscore homunculus. Porn. At this point, basically a staff writer on the show. Yeah, thanks for working for us for free, Dark. Honker. Yeah. We're not doing this again. Fucking Shadow Shrek or whatever your name is.

He writes, ahoy, mean boys. Have you told your Shrek presence story on the show? Yes. Did I? Twice, yeah. Okay. I mean, maybe recap. That was a little passive and graphic.

I don't mean it to be. Yeah. I forget what we've said. We know the story. Anyway, long story short, Keith's Nazi stepdad got him a whole Shrek gift basket for his birthday. Yeah. At an age when a Shrek love would have been inappropriate, I had no fondness for Shrek. He was just at best neutrally positive no fondness for Shrek. He was just, at best,

neutrally positive towards the idea of Shrek. He just went to a 99 cent store, saw a bunch of stuff that had Shrek on it, and was like, well, my work here is done. Anyway, he writes, time to go continue being a Nazi. You'd think Nazis wouldn't be cool with green people. Ahoy, measles.

Yeah, but he's Scottish, though. I've tried to start reading this. Oh, sorry. Sorry, our riffs are getting in the way of you reading an email. I'm at a game. Everyone knows how it works. I know. Well, no, I just wanted to read reading this. Oh, sorry. Sorry, our riffs are getting in the way of you reading an email. I'm at a game. Everyone knows how it works. I know.

Well, no, I just wanted to read his words because he wrote the thing. I know, I'm making it up. Anyway, yeah, anyway, fucking, dude, how great would that be? Man, did you hear about that Trex trafficking? Oh, good. On the 101? Yeah. On the 101, the 134, and the Magic Road East?

Yeah. Yeah, the break road. Ahoy, mean boys. Buoys. Whatever. In honor of the hometown highlights and attractions, I prepared an installment of Porn Comedy Yelp Review featuring Yelp reviews exclusively from the armpit of the Great Lakes, Toledo, Ohio.

The respite of the Midwest has truly brought the concept of exercise and futility to full fruition, and the only saving grace is the tenuous cognitive dissonance to combat a lifelong exposure of upbringing. Hell is actually a place in Maestergyn and unexpectedly chilly. Escape is the only salve for the burning itch of automotive mediocrity. Very well put.

Wow, what a fucking, what a beautiful... Man, what a waste of poetry. Yeah, I know. That was some Mean Boys poetry. I'm going to write like a Bukowski intro for this so Connor can read it really fast and fuck up half the words. Thank you, buddy.

We love you. And if you guys want to send us a game, fucking fire them off over to meanboyspodcast.gmail.com. We use almost all of them and we always do really appreciate it. So without any further ado, let's begin. If she wasn't going to eat it, she could at least put it back. Alright. Is that a porn

comment or a Yelp review? My initial thought is this is somebody at a come and go, grabbing one of the hot dogs up the roller, licking it, realizing it's not what they wanted, and putting it back on the roller. Dude, I went to, I was in Missouri doing like the one year anniversary of a comedy club, so they run it as all tuxedos. So two nights in a row, me and my buddy Billy Bizarre out there went to this come and go

gas station in full tuxedos and bought pastries. And I just, it was the same gal working. And the first night, she was concerned. And the second night, she was just upset. Wasn't this when this man ate sushi out of a come-and-go gas station? Oh, he's the deviled eggs. That's what it was. You goddamn name it, man.

Everything. And he's just having a very serious heart-to-heart with himself, looking at the different options. Deviled eggs is the most upsetting one, because it adds the gross factor of eating gas station hard-boiled eggs with the knowledge that somebody has handled them by hand.

Yeah, I don't want any kind of satanic labeling in my gas station food. I just feel like that's a bad omen. Oh, gosh. I'm going to say this is a Yelp review of a gas station. See, I think it's a porn deal. I think it's an orgy. One girl is using the dildo on herself or whatever, and then she doesn't make good use of it.

And the guy's like, come on, for the other ladies. She drops it in a pile of Dorito crumbs. Yeah, man. All right, guys. It's not Joe Dildo. That is a porn comment for public anal insertion in Whole Foods. Oh, man. Regina Spink, dude. Dude, Whole Foods. Oh, man. Regina sphincter.

Dude, I fucking love people, man. I love that there's a lady that's just like, I'm going to go sit on a cucumber for 6,000 views and a podcast shout out. Have you told about your orgy with the cover for the snack budget? Oh, yeah. I don't think I know this one. I used to do this on stage. I actually think I'm bringing he's actually told it twice Tom so I mean if you yeah Howard so this is dog right now

have you heard the dog story about when he fucked the lady while she was watching that's crazy your mouths of various faggot levels no I what level of my faggot it shut up from high to super high what's the spiciness extreme nacho faggot. Three peppers at Wingstop. Muy caliente. A little more kick than lemon pepper, but not quite atomic. I was on Craigslist going through their casual encounters page or whatever. On the pet section?

Sorry. Perfect. Perfect joke. Street fighter. Perfect. Perfect joke. Street Fighter. Perfect. Perfect. Japan. I still want to hear the story, though.

Yeah. I don't even want to tell it. No, I'm not going to interrupt it anymore. So I see an ad for an orgy. You got to call this number to reserve your spot for the orgy. I call. Was it on the tag? Like, you know, like it found?

I wasn't as good as the other one. No, there'll be more. And I call... Was it on the tag? Like, you know, like it found? I wasn't as good as the other one. No, there'll be more. And I call... I already know where you're going to go for it, too. I call... It is a dude who answers the phone, which is fine. He's just... But he's clearly pretending to be a woman,

like he's doing a girl voice. Oh, no. But he's also, like, doing, like, a super offensive Asian girl voice. Oh, hair roll. And we talk about... I eat myself. There it is.

I knew you were waiting for that. Asians eat dogs. I didn't even get there. It's because I operate at a less hacky level of comedy than you, Tom. I'm sorry me and Keith are synced up because we're mean boys. Yeah, die of hepatitis. Yeah, you know Tom, the original mean boy. You scrawny mongrel.

Hey. But so, anyway, I'm talking to... I'm getting skinny fat. I'm talking to the guy. I'm getting skinny fast. I'm talking to the guy. I had pizza for breakfast. And the guy is just like, he's like, you know, you got to be cool with maybe fucking a guy if you're at this thing. I'm like, yeah, I know what's going on.

You don't have to hornswoggle me. I'm sold already. And he tells me there's a $5 budget to cover the snacks. There's a $5 cover to cover the snack budget. Well, they had a pet deposit for the hotel room. Boom. Anyway, that's the story. I didn't go because I didn't have $5.

I forgot about that part. I mean, I feel like that's the... I just remember hanging the phone up after I made that phone call because it was in my mom's house, and I'm just like, I wanted to be a doctor when I grew up. Did you really yeah you're like well i mean someone's got to fix all this shit i feel like the the the biggest pro to gay sex on like outside of like you know what people's sexual needs are is like you don't have to pay for

condoms you don't have like like you really don't it's kind of just like you know just i mean yes you do well yeah i like that tom is like well yeah it just seems so much cheaper to fuck a dirty asshole people get like reverse pregnant you know aids yeah yeah maybe the only thing worse than pregnancy yeah i'd rather get pregnant than get aids you kill a baby yeah that's true you can't kill you can also kill someone with aids i don't know. Moving on. They must not offer dental insurance because she was missing

at least two front teeth. Is it a porn comment or a Yelp review? This is on the city crest of Toledo, Ohio. Just ting with a fucking black spot. I'm going to say it's Toledo's mayor. Yelp review of the mayor. Maybe a Yelp review of the mayor's office.

Or city council. We've done city halls and stuff before. I'm going to say it's Toledo's mayor. Yelp review of the mayor. Maybe we get a Yelp review of the mayor's office. Maybe, yeah. Or city council. Yeah, we've done city halls and stuff before. I meant the person they're referencing, not like the mayor is a business on Yelp. I'm talking about the person that they reference. Tom, you could understand how I would have assumed that you might have been confused. I don't. I'm very smart, and I don't understand how you get this mixed up.

I'm also going to say this is a Yelp review. All right, guys. That is a Yelp review of the Deja Vu Strip Club in Toledo, Ohio. Oh, no. That's pretty much the mayor's office in Toledo. All right, guys. Wow, she's really ahead in the polls. Ooh.

Ha-cha-cha-cha-cha-cha-cha. Why do I have to play with him? I'm going to do it together. Because we oohed at the same time. Oh, man, you guys. We're so gay. Yeah, man. I don't know why the Comptown Subreddit doesn't enjoy this edgy comedy.

No one called Comptown can't say someone else is gay. All right? That's some Bible shit. All right. Well, there's our official statement on the matter for Tom Goss, who doesn't know what anything involved is, be it Comptown or Reddit. Or the concept of cum. Yes.

Connor actually showed me Reddit and explained how it works. He's like, this is actually kind of useful. Maybe I'll use this someday. What next, the abacus? I had an abacus growing up. I forgot you were a Buddhist, so that was one of your toys. That was some homeschool shit. That was a stocking stuffer.

Doing an abacus, but it's just full of different antipsychotics. I was like, well, Tom, think about what's something you like? And he was like, I don't like anything no, I was like, well, Tom, think about what's something you like. And he was like, I don't like anything. And I was like, what are you like, hockey? And you're like, begrudgingly. So I was like, well, there's a whole forum here where people discuss the hockey news of the day, and it's a very easy place

to find out what's going on in the world of hockey and see what people are talking about. And he was like, okay, I still don't trust the list format, but I may be amenable to it in the future. Well, it's like, I could also just Google and also get opinions, you know? Yeah, and again, we had to get Tom to sign up for PayPal for the Patreon, and I was just like, Tom, I'm trying to give you money. You've got to accept this level of technology.

Yeah, but what if the government catches it with some sort of digital glove on a stick and intercepts the money and then uses it to build a Kill My Mom rocket? Digital glove on a stick and intercepts the money and then uses it to build a kill my mom rocket. Digital glove on a stick. All right, guys. Moving on. All a bit older and clearly have been around the block a few times. You get the sense they would tell you some amazing stories. Is that a porn comment or a Yelp review? Extra broadcasting voice to compensate for my mediocre riffs this episode.

That's interesting. I, hey, yo. That's interesting. I could go either way. Yeah. I'm actually, I'm leaning Yelp. It's so funny how hard Keith is thinking about this. Like, I just looked over at you, and you just really were just like, does existence precede meaning? Well, I created this game.

I take it seriously. I know. I know. It's just funny. I think it's a Yelp review of, like, a VFW haul. Yeah, I think it's too grammatically whatever. Grammatically. Grammatically.

All right. It's grammar plus shrimp. You grammatically. All right. Yeah, I think Yelp. Yo, dog, you a fat ass word donut. You a motherfucking word donut. Shit.

That's a Yelp review of White Tower Restaurant in Toledo, Ohio. What is that weird bugging? I don't like how much contact you're making with us. Ladies and gentlemen, IKEA is no good. Their furniture is always missing parts. That's a porn review of an amputee. No, that is a Pornhub comment for a stunning amateur blowjob at IKEA store. Ooh, she got some Swedish meatballs.

Too bad. We don't know there's not an amputee in there. That's a good point. They let them into Ikea. They're progressive. I feel like you want to put that in the title just for, like, you know, like an SEO. Yeah, but the idea of getting surprised, though, you know? You can't spoil the twist.

I love the idea of just... And then you pan out and then just like, whoa, there's... That's why that lady kept falling over. They've been fucking an autistic kid's snow globe the whole time. I love the idea of porn videos just now every time it's like regular porn. There's like no amputees. Like that's the way they start. Like they have to label.

Yeah. It's faster to label the ones that aren't bad. Everybody has arms. The sexual motion picture. All right, girls. I said that because there's the word girl in this one, and I didn't mean to do that. I'm just kind of tired and my brain is disoccurring.

You could have just let it slide as a fun, cute thing you did. They only make two things in Echo Parks. Fucking queers and fucking idiots. I don't see any cows. White girls want more money. Okay. Is that a porn comment or a Yelp review? Wait.

The full comment is white girls want more money. Okay. Yeah. Okay is in there. Well, I don't see a lot of welkness on porn. I got a lean Yelp. I'm guessing. So you only watch porn of people that are asleep?

That's not great. Oh, I have to share. I stopped stealing my material. I'm going to So you only watch porn of people that are asleep? That's not great. Oh, I have to share. I stopped stealing my material. I'm going to say... What? I'm going to say porn. Is this because one of your socks got in my laundry? Are you still mad at me?

Wait, what? Nothing. Material like a textile, good. I'm just taking swings here. Yeah, I'm guessing it's like for a burger joint or something. There's a lot of white bitches. All right, guys. That is a Yelp review of the Popeye's chicken in Toledo, Ohio.

Oh, boy. I think I'm 100%. Yeah. Hey, guys. Reverse sponsorship. The Popeye's chicken in Blythe, California. Oh, man. Never go there.

What an incompetent fucking squadron of goons. I've never been more angry at a location. I've never wanted to describe a human being as just a boob. Keith and I, we're just trying to get to our gigs, and we just want to fuel up for the drive ahead with some delicious Popeye's chicken. This should not be a 45-minute

fucking let-me-call-my-manager interaction. Yeah. So, Popeye's chicken in Blythe, California. I want Mean Boys boots on the ground, protest signs. I'm not saying burn it down, but I'm not on the ground, protest signs. I'm not saying burn it down, but I'm not saying don't burn it down. I'm not saying you should... You know how Swedish death metal bands got

their followers to burn down churches and shit? I want our people to just burn down fast food restaurants that have wronged us. Sweden does that? Yeah, they burn down the churches, we'll burn down the Popeyes. Socialism's kind of cool. It wasn't a government policy. That's my favorite part of Das Kapital. It's just, and the chicken will burn.

And I'm doing a German accent. Is Karl Marx German? He's Russian. I think so. I don't fucking know anything, man. I don't know. Yeah, I know like three things. Yeah.

I can fake it for a bit. His name's Karl. I think he's German. I was just talking to somebody about this at a party. I know just enough about every sport to pretend to have a conversation about it, but not enough to have anything insightful to say. That's whenever I talk about basketball or baseball. That's what I'm thinking.

Yeah, I could definitely make it seem like I know what I'm talking about. Hockey, football, I actually have opinions and shit, but other sports. You guys, thankfully, our podcast is all about fast food and buttholes. These things I know well. When she gives you 21 chicken nuggets instead of 20. Oh, porn. That is porn. McDonald's fast food.

Fuck. I've seen that video. Have you really? In research for this situation, yes. Oh, okay. Very good. I'm still, I think, at 100%. Nice.

What do you want? A chicken nugget. All right. Well, no. Go get yourself one. Go purchase your own nuggets, adult with a car. No love for the Gossmeister. Never, ever call yourself that again.

I will hurt your family. The Gossasaurs Rex. Even worse. All right, guys. Such hot corn. Corn is all caps. Four exclamation points. Oh, man.

I'm torn. Like the corn. You're corn torn? Corn torn. Fucking. All right. We got to stop quoting Limp Bizkit, guys. Seriously.

Yeah, the Limp Bizkit has the floor. I'm gonna... Yo, for real, dog, you a wet, bready side dish. You fucking gimp triscuit. Is that how you do it? Isn't even the right band. Yeah, no one will know. Everyone knows that.

I'll go... Nobody is down with the sickness, Tom. No. God. Shut up. Tom, you. I don't know why, but I've decided I'm so mad at you now. Leave the gastrodermis. Alright, Tom's mic is off. What do you think, Keith?

I think it could be a Yelp County Fair. I'm going to go with porn. I think it's too weird. Am I back on? Oh, cool. Yeah, I'm going to go Yelp. I think it's too weird. Am I back on? Oh, cool. Yeah, I'm going to go Yelp. I think someone wanted porn. Tom, 100%. That is a Yelp review of Tony.

Oh, wait, no. Did you say Yelp? Yeah. I was looking at the wrong one. Super Hot Corn is a Pornhub comment titled, Super Hot Corn Scene from Trolls 2. Oh, this is that loophole where they just start putting weird...

There's like scenes from real movies just floating around on Pornhub. Oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah. A lot of children's films. Don't know why. No good answer. You know? I don't want the answer. Yeah. Alright, well, thankfully you didn't have it. You fucking got that shit wrong. Oh, come on. I make one mistake.

Alright, shut up, 90%. Yeah, one mistake. Yeah, other than your flawless track record. I'd leave right now if it weren't for the fact I get caught in sex traffic. Okay. And on that note,

the Mean Boys podcast will be right back. It is almost complete. We are making our way through the galaxy, destroying the rebel scum as we go. Once we control all of the telephone lines, we will be truly unstoppable, my young apprentice. Princess Leia and the other Leviosas will fall by the wayside. And Vader... Yes? Bring Luke to me.

I shall deal with him myself. I don't know how to tell you this, my lord. Tell me what? Well... Hi, welcome to space, Florida. How can I help you? Vader, why are we here? Yes, I'm checking in Gilmore Palpatine. Vader, why are we here?

My lord, you have Alzheimer's. There are no telephone lines in the galaxy, and I do not know what a Leviosa is. It's Leviosa, not Leviosa. Why are we here, Vader? My lord, you have Alzheimer's. There are no telephone lines in the galaxy, and I do not know what a Leviosa is. Nonsense. Would someone with Alzheimer's have gone to New York and stopped Magneto? That's X-Men. Would someone with Alzheimer's have gone to New York and stopped Magneto? That's X-Men. Would someone with Alzheimer's have freed their daughters from vague Europeans?

That is taken. Would someone with Alzheimer's have talked about seeing a porno with a dog having sex with a woman? That's the Mean Boys podcast. And yes. Would someone with hand sanitizer turn to the light side and betray their master to save their son and bring balance to the force? That was me. All right, here's the paperwork. No! No! Great, you killed another nurse.

This is why I can't have you in the Star Destroyers anymore. That was Princess Leia. No! No, it wasn't. This is why I'm bringing you here. The other day you attacked me because you thought I was Lego Batman. Not even regular Batman. Lego Batman. Where a kid can be a kid.

That's not the correct saying. Vader, do not leave me here. I am still young. I don't want to be here. You're like over 150 years old. No, I'm 41. What? Cocaine is a hell of a drug. That's the Chappelle Show.

What's a Chappelle? He's a black comedian. There's another black guy in the galaxy? Sir, I can't right now. I have to go to war. But I will come back every day for the rest of my life. And one day, you'll remember who I am. And one day, you'll remember who you are.

And we will die at peace one last time, joined together as one. My young apprentice. Yes, sir. That's the notebook, asshole! No! And the Mean Boys podcast returns to play a round of our favorite game,

Which of the Following? Which of the Following? Which of the fucking following? Guys, this one comes to us from Ethan Becker, another one of our favorite listeners. And again, if you want to send us a game, meanboyspodcast.gmail.com is where you go. He writes,

Hi, Mean Boys. I don't want to feel like a one-trboyspodcast at gmail.com is where you go. He writes, hi, Mean Boys. I don't want to feel like a one-trick pony, but after the last few episodes, I couldn't resist making another. Which of the following are things Tom Goss has not said on the podcast before? Oh, okay. This time I triple-checked for accuracy.

Sorry for fucking up the last one. No worries. Oh, dude, it was so great. It was still great. It was a lot of fun. And all right, guys, we're going to begin. Round number one. I'm sorry, social...

Oh, hey. This is which of the following he has said or hasn't guys, we're going to begin. Round number one. I'm sorry, social. Oh, A. This is which of the following he has said or hasn't. Hasn't said. So round number one. Which of the following are not things Thomas said on the podcast? A. I'm sorry social media has ruined my ability to, uh, um, this one's on me. B. I wasn't confused by the bird. I was confused by the words from the bird.

C. It was some combination of cancer and bicycling without a helmet and him falling. D. Being high is just like being asleep awake. Okay, I'm going to be completely honest because I want to give credit where credit is due. I only know one of those is for sure real. Dude, that is so good. Well played. It wasn't the words. I wasn't confused with the bird.

I was confused by the words from the bird. Oh, shit. Oh, beautiful. Dude, this is so good. Yeah, no, I know one of these is for sure real, but the rest, I'm like, oh, fuck. The best thing about Mean Boys is Tom Goss becoming a folk hero to a very small group of dedicated podcast listeners. Fucking Johnny Applesauce. Tom, it brings me so much joy just watching people

just quote you. Can you run it one more time? Yeah. A, I'm sorry social media has ruined my ability to this one's on me. B, I wasn't confused by the bird. I was confused by the words from the bird. C, it was some combination of cancer and bicycling without a helmet and him falling.

D. Yeah, being high is just like being asleep awake. I'm going to say D. That last one, I could definitely see you doing that when you're leaned all the way back in the chair and you're just like, it looks like you're about to burp and you're just like, yeah, being high is just like being asleep awake. I think that's the fake one. Yeah, I know C is real.

I'm going to go A. I remember C. All right. The answer is D. Oh, shit. Tom is losing. I'm going to beat Tom at Tom. Yeah, it was 100% now, bitch.

You are you, but I've studied you, and I can destroy you. Okay, well, you trained in the darkness. I was born in, I don't remember what Bane said. Go ahead. That was it. Oh, I got it right? You pretty much did the line. I like born in... I don't remember what Bane said. Go ahead. That was it. Oh, I got it right? You pretty much did the line. I like the idea of unconfident Bane.

Oh, I'm sorry. I'm not really on my game today. Back to the darkness for me. The banks had some good ideas, but I think the execution has been flawed by greed. If it's not too much trouble, you have my permission to die. Yeah, the role of a central organizer is necessary,

but problematic given the financial nature of campaign politics. The Political Action Committee is in order. Have we done Christmas Bane in the podcast? Fetch me a goose. You there, boy. What day is it? Christmas Day. Everyone is babying.

Painless Carol. Please, sir. I want some more. Different movie. Don't worry about it. No. More, more. The song's about more.

I don't know. You've got to pick a pocket or two, my dear boy. Faking. Pain, f boy. Fagin. Bane Fagin. Fagin. All right, guys. Random two. Which of the following is not something Tom Gossett said on the podcast?

A. Hello, Mr. Filth. I like you. B. Maybe I just don't like cats with too many eyes. C. He died, but he looked like he was just sleeping. Or D. I knew the dog in Scooby-Doo was either scooby or still waldo's revenge still one of the most primo fucking things you've ever said tom i know the answer to this i do too all right which what is it c the answer is c well done yeah but very well created still maybe i just that was about pippin the cat you met out yep pippin was the shit yeah well hopefully we've reunited with him when we go out there.

Yeah, but Pippin's in Indianapolis, so I don't know... Oh, yeah, we'll be in Fort Wayne. All right, run... Shout-out to John. I don't think he listens. But still, yeah. Shout-out nonetheless. I know Pippin doesn't listen.

John, if you're ever in Blythe, California... Burn down a Popeye's. Run number three, which of the following are not things Thomas said on the podcast? A, I almost hit a dog while driving. I didn't, but my uncle did. B, I wasn't going to rub it in. He had pancreatic cancer. C, I shit a ton of blood this morning.

D, never foot a shark. Never what? Never foot a shark. The word foot being used here as a verb, of course. I know a couple of these are, I know a couple of these are... I think I know it. I'm going to say A. Can I hear A and D again? A is I almost hit a dog while driving.

A, I almost hit a dog while driving. I didn't, but my uncle did. B, I wasn't going to rub it in. He had pancreatic cancer. I think it's A. The answer, A. Well done, guys. I'm still beating Tom.

No, we both... You got the first one wrong. I got it right. You done, guys. I'm still beating Tom. No, we both... You had the first one wrong. I got it right. Oh, I thought you said D on this last one. No, on the first one. Yeah, the one that was first. Again, everyone's favorite part of this game is the scorekeeping. We always keep score. There are prizes for winning.

I'm just making it a point to rub it in on Tom. I thought you said D on this last one. You're such a dildo about Porter Yelp. Yeah. Oh, I'm sorry I had one good day. I'm rubbing it on Tom. I thought you said D on this last one. You're such a dildo about Porn or Yelp. Yeah. Oh, I'm sorry I had one good day. All right. I'm sorry too, Tom. And you know what?

I think if we continue our really diligent regimen of bullying you off the show, it'll never happen again. Somebody just sass their way right back into their car. I can't wait till I'm bullied off the show. You're like, why Tom? No, no, no. We mean bullying you off the air.

Yeah, yeah. No, you're not allowed to leave. We're pimping you. We got to break off the air. Yeah, yeah. No, you're not allowed to leave. We're pimping you. We've got to break your spirit, so when you get in here, you don't know if it's about fucking or like, you know. My mileage is too high. All right, what's up? Yeah, no, Tom, he's got a real sturdy back.

Pimp quotes. Your face when you said that was one of my favorite things. All right, guys, round number four, Which of the following is not something Tom actually... Hey, pimp quotes. Hey, I should just freeball it with shit you said on this podcast, and you would for sure lose because you are very tired. A, it was night and I wanted the air. B, fuck you clean lung bitches.

C, everyone looks like anyone next to dragons. D, I don't always talk. Ah, ah, bad. Ah, fuck. It was night and I wanted the air. It sounds like the first line of a fucking J.D. Salinger book or something. Oh, absolutely. There's something weirdly poetic about that.

These are harder than they should be. What was B and C? Are they all real or all fake? This is one of these is fake. Next one is all fake. B, fuck you clean lung bitches. C, everyone looks like anyone next to dragons. Fuck, what was D?

It's a well-made game, Ethan. I don't always talk uh, uh, bad, uh, fuck. I say that a lot. A was it was night and I wanted the air. I gotta go A, but that does sound like something I'd say. I'm gonna say C. The answer is D.

I remember it was night and I wanted the air. You were talking about being high at the Flamingo Garden. Ah, that was so recent. It was very recent, yeah. That line stuck with me. I did remember that. Wow, well done. You're stumping the men themselves, guys. And moving on, round number five, all real or all fake.

Thanks, Tom, for setting the podcast. A, it's like Jesus for gooks. B, I broke the pretty one. C, I asked a dragon about the card card and he said I didn't have no money no more. D. A flamingo kept asking me to put my cigarette out. Or E. Yeah, I gave a germs burn to a tropical bird.

All real or all fake? I know the answer. I do too. These are all things we've said in Tom's voice. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That is it. Well done, guys. I think's voice. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yep, yep, yep, yep. That is it. Well done, guys. I think Keith wins, unfortunately for you, Tom. I'm sorry about it, Keith.

I think I'm promoted to Tom or demoted. I don't know how that works. Tom-oted. Sure. Anyway, thank you for the game, Dark Home. No, that wasn't Dark Home, Uncle. That was Ethan Becker. That was a British name.

Love the show, and may Tom never get the help he truly needs. Tom doesn't need any help. He's doing great, man. You live in a dining room, man. That's not a dining room. That is a hallway, but I like it there. Okay. It's a good hovel.

It's a good hall. Yeah. I like that Keith's voice cracked like the fucking Simpsons teenager guy. Thank you. Well, mean boys. That was seriously, that was, I mean, the- Merry Christmas to teenager guy. Thank you. Mean boys. Seriously, that was... Merry Christmas to all. The next segment.

The first game you made was fucking hilarious. This was hard for me. It's a hard game. Pain, pain, pain, pain, pain. Pain, pain, pain, pain. You will break. Pain, pain, pain, pain. Pain, pain, pain, pain. Pain, pain, pain, pain.ane, bane, bane. You will break. Bane, bane, bane, bane, bane, bane, bane, bane. Bane, bane, bane, bane, bane, bane, bane.

Hey, guys. What are we doing? We're doing banes, bro. I just want to remind everyone that I'm the retard on the podcast. Yeah. Well, you just bought her. You can't do a good bane voice like me and Keith. Go back to retard Africa.

What's it called? Australia? I think Australians would like me. Yeah, they like monsters that cannot exist anywhere else. Australians, can you tell Keith and Connor that I'm more likely to talk? They can't tell you anything. This is a podcast. Yeah, and Tom.

They have Twitter. Twitter. That was a real mistake. You're mad at us for doing the Bane voice, but every time we try to throw away to another segment, you just continue speaking the entire time. I don't know Bane personally. It's just not doing much for me.

Tom, how about you throw it to break? Let me hear your best throw to break. Okay. No, you're just going to interrupt me. No, I promise I won't. We really want to hear how you do it. Hey, Tom, I'm turning off me and Keith's mics. The Mean Boys will... That's me.

Okay. You ass. Okay. Ladies and gentlemen, the Mean Boys will be right back after this break. Mean Boys is brought to you by Don Carlos Taco Shop in La Jolla, California. This is Don Carlos. Conveniently located down the street from the La Jolla Comedy Store. Across the street.

If you're in San Diego for an evening, fucking catch yourself an amazing comedy show with all the fine headliners they have coming through there. And then make the trip right down the road to Don Carlos and pick up a delicious California burrito. That's my favorite. But if you want to check out their menu options, of which there is a fucking bounty. A lot of burritos. Tough to behold. Go over to eataburrito.com for more information.

And just know that this man, the way he talks about making burritos is like the way creepy dudes with ponytails talk about making their own knives in their backyard. Just the passion is there. He's upsettingly good at it. He's like, well, I use the waffle fries because it holds the sour cream in better in the burrito. The man is an artist. He's a meat poet. He really is. He really is.

So go and see the Maya Angelou of fucking flesh tubes at DocPay. Maya Angelou. Yes, exactly. And back to the show. Quay. Yes, exactly. And back to the show. I'd rather be able to take it. Why don't you take your shit so you don't... Turd urge died down. You know how sometimes you really gotta shit and then it's just like...

It's such a weird argument to have with an adult man. Okay, do whatever you want. You can shit, Tom. You're not like working at an apple factory. Yeah, go take a shit. I'm ordering you to go take a shit. No, I'm not gonna shit., go take a shit. I'm ordering you to go take a shit. No, I'm not going to shit. Go fucking take a shit. I'm not shitting right now. Go take a shit. The Mean Boys podcast is back. We are currently

embroiled in a huge argument about whether or not Tom should take a shit before the mailbag. Finish the podcast. We asked for permission and we're like, you're a man. You politely said, do I have time to go take a shit? And we're like, yeah, for sure. And you're like, you know what?

My butt's not the boss of me. I can talk to the podcast guys. I don't need to poop. Yeah. Yeah. So we're opening up the Mean Boys mailbag today, which I would have had open if I didn't want to lose all the momentum. Well, Tom is holding his mailbag closed, seriously. Not even.

I'm just drinking more coffee. Yeah, that'll help. Everybody knows coffee is... Show him my sphincter strength. I feel like you would just eat a lot of constipate. Tom, by the way, when we were warming up the mics earlier, had his headphones on,

hits the mic with his phone on accident in like a sleepy stupor and scares himself more away because of the clink sound. Alright, guys. Can Tom apply to be on the next Survivor? I just want him to have a machete on an island with strangers. sleepy stupor and scares himself more away because of the clink sound all right guys can tom apply to be on the next survivor i just want him to have a machete on an island with strangers i mean i think you should just be like a guy in the woods that comes and fucks with their camp in the night i think that would be a fun like because he always had new dynamics we should run you for a reality show i'll fucking do it yeah i don't i'm yeah i mean if those fucking uh jersey

fucks got it i don't know why I can't. Oh, okay, you're talking about Jersey Shore. I was trying to think of, like. Whatever reality show in New Jersey. You meant that one. Okay. Sure, no other one you could possibly make. We should submit Tom for Survivor, because I honestly think he'd be great.

Yeah. I've survived everything else so far. He makes a good point. That's a very good point. Yeah, you make a very good point. Yeah, he would be great. Have I told the story about when me and Evan tried to prank the Spike TV reality show and get on it? He makes a good point. It's a very good point. Yeah, you make a very good point. Yeah, he would be great at that. Have I told the story about when me and Evan tried to prank the Spike TV reality show and get on it?

Yes, but I don't think you've told it on the podcast. Oh, I haven't on the podcast? I don't think so. All right, so I saw a casting notice on Craigslist for a TV show that I don't think ever actually ended up getting made called Fight Court. Where the idea is if you and your friend are having a beef about something, you learn MMA and beat the shit out of each other to settle it on TV. So we pitched them this whole big storyline with me and evan doing multiple skype interviews about how evan stole a joke from me and by the way we are the two meekest palest fucking lankiest nerds and we got very close to getting like full like you know like having like some shitty like you

know like tito ortiz guy actually met tito ortiz he's nice he's the only mma guy i could think of uh yeah having him like train us to do like fucking all that shit you met Tito Ortiz? I did yeah sometimes I meet

cool people I'd love to meet him like I've hung out like on a very like comfortable personal level with like Tito Ortiz and Rob Van Dam

and I feel bad that that doesn't mean anything to me just cause I don't give a shit about wrestling or MMA yeah both nice cats

I watched like Hulk Detective Squad with Rob Van Dam at his house one time. It was very weird. Very weird, yeah. And that's when his bidet got stuck on and I was in his bathroom and I had just water up my ass for like 12 minutes while I pressed every button trying to get it to stop. And I was just like, oh.

Dude, I had that problem with Japanese toilets. You got raped by a toilet in Rob Van Damme's house. I did. I got Me Too'd by a fucking American standard. They're not big on toilet paper. They just all are bidet based and they have like, but their toilets are fucking crazy because they have like 40 buttons because you can heat the seat or cool the seat or you know, you can play music off the buttons.

They're all in fucking Japanese and my Japanese was never good enough. So I'd be like trying to, be trying to clean up my shit, and then all of a sudden, just Japanese pop music would play as I'm trying to find the button to wipe my... Yeah. Yeah. We're getting a lot of questions about this. Is Conor standing in a box, or is he just freakishly taller than the other guys in our

sparkly pictures? Thank you, Troy Conrad, hiring for all your photographing. Oh, he's fucking awesome. Yeah, he's amazing. I'm 6'4". You guys are what? I'm like 5'5", 5'6". I'm 5'7".

I'm also... I am leaning a little bit, but it wouldn't help if I was. Yeah, Connor's giant and we're short, so it just looks like that. Yeah. Yeah. That's why I got to be in the middle. Yeah, I'm slouched and leaning, but I'm still, I'm not, I mean, I'm a couple of inches taller than that.

We literally look like a dick in balls. We kind of do, yeah. I love it. But even like, I'm not that much taller, so it's just kind of like a shitty dick. Yeah, we're going to get chowed. Some powerful girthy balls. We are chowed cast. All right, guys.

What food would be most satisfying to throw at someone? I actually have a thought. I think it's those Japanese rice balls. Lasagna. They're going to pop like a snowball. I don't know what they're called. Like Goku eats them. I know exactly what you're talking about.

Yeah, yeah. Just like, pshh. You know, I think that'd be cool. Oh, that's a good one. It's going to have a good projectile fucking, like, you know, it would hold together in the air until it hits. Lasagna. I mean, I feel like it might fall apart, but just getting a big wet glop of hot lasagna all over you.

I'm picturing a full lasagna flying inside. Yeah. Like in a tray. I swear to God, no one throw lasagna at me on the tour. Don't listen. Everybody, when I say code word Italian snowball, you guys know what to do. No. Yeah, you're going to. Bibbidi-bob word Italian snowball, you guys know what to do. No. Yeah, you're getting...

Bibbidi-bobbidi-go, go, go, go. If you don't think I'm going to get dominatrix somewhere in the Midwest to put lasagna on your chest, you don't know what I have planned. Dude, you're going to find out that that makes you guys cum so hard. Oh, man. Find out. What do you think, Keith? I don't know about cum and lasagna. I feel like a funny one is a steak.

Oh, just because it's so big and hard. It's like getting slapped with a glove. Like you're challenging somebody to a duel with meat. And it's just going to leave like a fucking grease stain on your fucking head. Yeah. There's something just heavy to it. That's a good question. I vote steak.

I want to throw food at people now. That's a really good question. What's the worst way you've ever made, parentheses, and lost money? Best way I ever made money? Probably winning the 2011 Colony High School Yu-Gi-Oh! Championship. Kent Nguyen, you still owe me $35. So hit me up when you got it. You should be a man of your word.

And I think your life is not going the way you want it to because you were dishonest and you've been cursed by the egyptian gods jesus christ uh worst way i've ever lost money i don't know man fucking slot machines probably probably this tour probably when i probably when i was up a hundred bucks at chuck chancy resort and casino i fucking gamble that down to nothing you came up a hundred bucks on a penny slot or if the rest of us would call it a miracle yeah they just blew through it in about 8 minutes. And that's when I realized I had a gambling problem and I don't do that anymore. Tom, what do you think? I remember one time I was

very depressed. I stepped outside and I looked down because I'm very sad and I'm just standing on top of a $100 bill. And then my brother, I stared at it for like at least 2 minutes. Yeah, because you just couldn't believe it. No, just because I was too depressed to really be like,

is it worth bending down at this point? Oh, yeah. And then my brother walks over, picks up the $100 bill, puts it in his pocket, walks away, and then the next day I try to kill myself. So that was both the best and worst way I've found in lost money. For sure, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think it's funny. I wasn't saying a bad and worst way I've found in lost money. For sure, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I think it's funny. I wasn't saying a bad thing. No, I think it's funny. No, it is, yeah. Tweet Tom, hashtag, that is why, hashtag, be here tomorrow. Oh, man, I'm not going to make Tom watch the Logan Paul suicide video. The irony of somebody named Logic trying to save Tom is pretty great. Tom versus Logic is the eternal pretty great that is pretty funny uh who out of the three of you would be the best bachelor contestant what would happen in their season i.e challenge oh i was i was briefly a prostitute was my answer

to the question oh yeah yeah a chance to yeah oh yeah do you want any more details you can give or want to give i it's on you i'm not gonna i'm not gonna dog story you here yeah i i was party to a uh a sex workers like thing like she had a client who wanted a certain thing i became that certain thing and then i got kicked back a little bit of cash and i was like ah sweet yeah yeah uh that's just too funny man i fucking love you keith you just like i remember i that was one of those mornings. What are you doing? I'm at a pizza place in a city that shouldn't exist. What are you doing?

I'm going to go be a hooker. All right, see you tonight. Later, two in the morning, Keith is smoking. What's up, man? How's selling your body? Good. How's Madera? Good.

Good night. Who would be the best Bachelor contestant? A hundred percent, Tom. I mean, for the Bachelor, I think it would be you, Connor. I probably look most like the guy, you know? Yeah, that's all that show is. I'm not like Bachelor handsome. I'm like Doctor Who Tumblr handsome.

Yeah. You'd be a good Doctor Who. It depends on what we're talking about. I think I'd vote myself third on this. You guys can... Are we talking about the funniest or the actual... That's fair. A good chance of doing well on this show? I think I'd be the funniest.

Well, you guys are going to The Bachelor. You can't lose The Bachelor. Yeah, yeah. I think Keith would be the best, because Keith's great on a date. Me, I'd be like, soup? No, thank you. Yeah. Fucking, I'm going to throw a rose at your head.

I'm going to dick down a bunch of dummies in a hot tub on ABC. That's the only thing I can do. Yeah, you'd be great at that. All right, mushrooms or acid? No. I can't do either. I got one of them reefer madness brains. There you go.

If you had to cosplay as something at a nerd convention, what would you pick? For sure, Mad Max. Oh, for sure, because I'm a Mad Max early adopter. I think I'd make an excellent Bane. Tom, you would be bane tom you would be a good you'd be a hilarious bane yeah i might do the mad fraction hawkeye because that's just wearing a purple hoodie and then you seem kind of cool okay i fuck with that uh and then so ballistic god writes you look like you're about to drop a mid-tier album about breakups and trading

blood for hand jobs hilarious thanks pal what a what a joke uh we're gonna uh we're gonna dip on into the voicemails here we just got one and i only again google predictive text is not perfect but it provides an amazing tonal fucking analysis of what these things are and uh i'm really just seeing the words fat and bisexual so uh let's get rocking and rolling here hey guys uh name's zeke i was just wondering as a fat bisexual should i just fucking drop out of college all right wait for the answer i don't uh i don't know what that has to do with those other two things yeah those seem kind of unrelated he also left another voicemail for which it says transcription not available i got nervous i think yeah i dropped out of college yeah no i don't know yeah i don't really understand the question uh congrats on being fat and by though yeah well as we're a

small large breed as a as a fat i think you should stay in college but as a bisexualist they say drop out as a fat That's so funny. No, I don't know. I mean, no, are you kidding me? If you're, like, kind of fat and queer, stay in college. Because college people are, like, experimenting and dumb. And this is going to be a great time for you. Like, go have fun.

Are you? Yeah. Also, if you're paying for your own shit. Go to college for the pussy. If someone's paying. The man. The boy pussy. Sorry.

The boy pussy. If someone's paying for your college stay in there if so if you are going in debt for this shit what the fuck are you doing get the fuck out you're making so many choices with so little information no those are two yeah two avenues if you're paying for your own college don't go to college yeah well no if you're iffy on it and you're paying for it you're wasting your fucking time i tend to agree but i don't know i don't know if that's good advice. It's easy for me to say I didn't need college

because I knew I was going to be a dumb, artsy asshole and that college was going to mean nothing for me. Yeah, but if you look at so many people who are in debt, who have degrees, who can't get a job, working the same job that they could have without college. Here's my advice. Stay in college for now, but see how well you can grow your Sonic the Hedgehog porn Patreon page.

And if that gets to a point where it's sustainable, then, buddy, follow your dreams. Well, that's the other thing. If you're in college and you're like, no, I want to be this. I'm working hard for this. I love that. That's different in working hard for that than just being like, well, should I be here? It costs 50 fucking grand a year. Call back.

Tell us more about you. Yeah, for sure. And do a couple vocal warm-ups, buddy. You don't want to be a dog. Never mind. Oh, is that going to be a dog fucking thing? I'll save it. Okay.

Hi, Mean Boys. It's Josh again. Hello. I live in a castle. Hey, mean boys. It's your biggest fan, Vincent Price. I just wanted to call and say boo. That's what this ghoul has to say.

My question is what happened to Burn Booth? I'm a huge fan of that series on YouTube. I didn't know anybody was. It's been a very long time. Also, if there are any future plans with it, I don't know if you noticed or not, but the title Comedians Roasting People in Public typically gets more views

than straight out Burn Booth. So if that helps, I hope it does. And have a good day. Yeah, you stupid fucks. I'm glad you like it. Yeah, we don't really That's not really our thing We just kind of show up and do it

It's made and created by Yeah they're We might do another one at some point Yeah maybe We're trying to do some shit with it But it's Glad you like it though Yeah thanks

I'm glad you're digging it I'm just glad you're a big fan of me I don't know Yeah we got another Pretty long one here Find your own co-chairs To glide on my friend Yeah so let's

Let's see what this is. This is two minutes and 22 seconds. Oh, boy. That's a lifetime. Hey, me boys. I wanted to give you another. If this is the hemorrhoid guy, I don't want to listen to this. Crucial facts and valuable knowledge for your everyday life.

No. Today, I want to let you know that you can accidentally get an STD from a koala bear. I know about this. Yeah. Everyone knows about this. The koala population is apparently threatened by a terrible, terrible outbreak of chlamydia, and they can spread it to humans. They don't know why all them koalas got that chlamydia.

What the fuck? They don't know why all them koalas got the chlamydia? What the fuck? They don't know why all them koalas got the chlamydia. Chlamydia is the most treatable STD. There's no way of preventing the spread because the koala. All right. Yeah, that's whatever. Yeah. Yeah.

I appreciate it, man, but I mean. Yeah. I got a sandwich to drop. You flew too close to the hemorrhoid sun on Wings of Lack. It is fun, but it's a very long bit, and Tom is not in the mood. Yeah, I still have to shit. Oh, wow. You could have.

You could have easily shit. You made your life harder for no real reason. And if that's not the Mean Boys way, I don't know what is. You know what? Since you spited us with your fucking duke, I'm going to play the whole voicemail twice just to make you sit here. All right. I'm not actually.

Tom looks so bad. All right, guys. I think that's the show for this week. Yeah, man. No, but I think it's a show. Stop it. We got tour dates. We do.

Me personally, I'm going to be at the Oklahoma Music Hall of Fame in Muskogee this Friday. Come out to that. I'll be in Sand Springs, Oklahoma on the 10th on Saturday. So any Okie fans, come hang out. Headlining comedy off Main Street in Glendale, Arizona, 23rd and the 24th of February. Those will be fun shows. Doing a long ass set.

Working on some new shit. It'll be nice to see you guys. And of course, again, just shouting it out ahead of time, I am headlining The Valve in Austin, Texas. Had a great time in Austin. So come out June 15th and 16th. For the Mean Boys Tour, those tickets, a lot of them are live on the website by now. Hopefully all of them by the time this drops on Thursday. So you can go snap up tickets if you are in a city where your link is live.

Just running through those cities again real quick. We're going to be in Milwaukee, Chicago, Fort Wayne, Indiana, Detroit, Cleveland, Pittsburgh, D.C., Philly, and New York City. Closing it out at the Creek and the Cave on February 28th. That's only a $5 show. Going to have some big fucking exciting people on that. Those are all in April. And guess what? Yeah, if your shit's not live yet, if your ticket link isn't live, get on the email list.

You'll be the first person to know. Absolutely. Yeah. So before we go on tour, I will also... Please come on the tour. Please come. Come to the tour. Everything else is irrelevant. Come to the tour. Absolutely.

We really need you to buy these tickets. Because if we find out this backfired and we're getting like five persons... We can never go to our head. This might be the end of Mean Boys. Yeah, very well might be. By which I mean, we will all jump off whatever bridge seems coolest in New York. Yeah, we'll do some recon. We which I mean we will all jump off whatever bridge seems coolest in New York. Yeah, we'll do some recon.

I think the statue- We'll run out of money in Cleveland and have to kill ourselves there. Tweet us your big bridge suggestions. Yeah, tweet us your hot suicide spots, the big apple. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've Googled them. The sad apple. Yeah, yeah.

So that is the priority. But if you live in- Sorry, didn't mean to cut off. Oh, no, it was worth it. If you're in California, February 16th, I'll be at Fanatics in Mira Vista. The 18th, Hollywood Improv Lab. The 21st, I'll be at Ozzy's in Fountain Valley.

March 8th, Canteen Points in North Hollywood. The Good Night in North Hollywood. The 15th, 315, I'll be in Ruck Room in Huntington Beach. And March 24th, I'll be at the Comedy Palace in San Diego. Hell yeah. This weekend, Friday and Saturday, I'll be at the Madhouse Comedy Club in San Diego. Two shows, 7.30 and 9.45. Next week, on Tuesday the 13th, I will be at the Ruck Room in Huntington Beach.

And any other cool ones? Oh, March 30thth I'll be at Sauce in Los Angeles come to that show if you haven't ever been it's a good show yeah very very fun that's it gang thank you fuck everything God is dead Go take a shit. Go take a shit.