Mean Boys - EP 11 - Fire Ants

Episode Date: March 3, 2016

Support the show on Patreon: www.patreon.com/meanboys This week’s segments include “Mexican Joke Off”, “Porn or Yelp Review”, “Guided Meditation”, “Santi Semitism” and “Which of the Following”. Our sponsors are “Picken’s Farm Cigarettes” and “The Snuffington Post”. Follow the show on Twitter http://twitter.com/meanboyspodcast and email us at [e-mail]. Visit us on the web at http://www.meanboyspodcast.com Theme: I’ve Seen Footage by Death Grips (https://itunes.apple.com/us/album/the-money-store/id515449028) Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey everybody, welcome to the Mean Boys Podcast. I'm Keith Carey. I'm Joe Dush. And I'm... An anorexic cabbage patch doll. Yay! We were talking about this in the car because we were brainstorming bad things to call you. Yeah. We realized we all kind of have brainstorming bad things to call you. Yeah.

We realized we all kind of have factors of a Cabbage Patch Kid. Yeah. Yeah. We were saying, like, we all look very different, but all of our flaws are this. Like, we're all doughy in our own way. People thought Keith would be valuable, but it didn't pan out. Yeah. You have dead plastic lifeless eyes. I do.

Like, two of us are skinny, yet we're all kind of fat. You know? Yeah. yeah. One intrepid listener described us as three bad potatoes. Follow at Hannah Michaels on Twitter. Or don't. They're both fine choices. For that eagle eye observation.

I really do. You know, I work out a lot. And as much as I do, I do not create any muscle tone. Like, I just like my torso looks like you cut open a baked potato. There's like chives and yeah, it's terrible. Jerron Horton pointed out that at Potluck last night saying, doesn't Joe look like he can't take dick?

And he's so right. My hips are way too narrow. If I were an Amish woman, no one would marry me. It's terrible. Well, doesn't that mean you're like tighter? Your shit pussy? Yeah, but there's a threshold that you can't well i mean i mean it's probably not fun for you but i mean whatever fucking mid-level ceo that you've shacked up with oh yeah the other guy on the other end is having a swell time and it comes out as a diamond and i'm just science and i'm just being again and it

goes in too well yeah that was that was a lot like i don't know if this uh was from an aired episode but when i said that if you want to make a diamond, you put a puppy in Joe's asshole. Oh, yeah, man-made diamonds at room temperature. I really, I mean, I wouldn't be opposed. Can we do a little Mean Boys Mythbusters? Can we go to a grocery store in the hood and get one of those from a cardboard box and just stick them inside of a Magnum and have that?

Welcome to our new segment, Putting Stuff in Joe. But enough about my asshole. I think it's time for the Mexican Joke-Off. Ay, so topical. All right, I'll start us off this week. Amazon has been accused of using security guards with neo-Nazi ties in Germany to keep their immigrant workforce under control.

Amazon claimed the guards told them that if they hired them along with the KKK, they would get free shipping. I stopped listening. It might have been good. Although I feel like if it were good, I'd have paid attention. You really Keithed that one.

Alright, here we go. Former First Lady Nancy Reagan passed away at the age of 94. Loved one said she died doing what she loved most, being terrified of black people. All right. I'm good. She didn't like black people.

You know, the black ones. Not a fan. Wow. A rollicking start to the Mexican joke. I don't know, Keith. That's a little heady for my taste. Okay. Someone's got to jump on this stupid grenade.

All right. A hospital was evacuated after a sewage leak caused feces to run down the walls. The event was recorded for the new film Adam Sandler Presents the Shining. Very good. This week, Bernie Sanders asked his campaign strategist if claiming to be the nephew of the colonel could help him win back the black vote from Hillary Clinton. I like that one. Thanks. All right. Five New York women are claiming the state's medical devices tax is making the impoverished unable to afford tampons. State Senator Dice Clay responded. That's what I call trickle down economics.

Oh, everybody go home. Point. Oh, my God. Point dodge. Look, our jokes have been as flimsy as Keith's knees, but you are doing a stellar job today, Joe. My knees work harder than you ever will. Oh, girl. LinkedIn CEO is giving his entire $14 million bonus to his employees. Too bad they won't find out because they never open his emails. Another New Yorker, Connor.

A six-year-old Toronto boy ended up on Canada's no-fly list after being mistakenly labeled as a possible terrorist threat. The boy was questioned about his allegiance to Canada's most sinister terrorist, Vladimir Poutine. God damn it. I literally stayed up for an hour last night debating between Vladimir Poutine or DeGrasse's junior high. Oh, my God.

Abu Bakr, Drake, all bugged out. A Chicago pizzeria mysteriously exploded last Thursday. Eyewitnesses recall hearing a man in a New York accent say, Deep dishes bullshit, praise Allah. Well, Joe learned a new voice this week. Wow, yeah. You didn't even do a buffer between them. I like it. A bill in the Virginia state legislature

would raise the state's marriage age from 12 to 16. The bill is being opposed by fundamentalist groups and Jerry's laser tag and wedding reception funds own in Richmond. I really like that one.

20,000 ISIS uniforms were discovered at a port in Spain. In related news, a suicide bomber was seen standing in a synagogue in his underwear screaming, oh no, it's just like the dream! It's just ski masks. Those are just ski masks.

There's no story. I like how your terrorist is like Italian Quiznos worker. I am not. I had a sketch that will at some point air, but not this week, where I was trying to do an offensive Asian accent, and I tried to do it for my girlfriend,

and she was like, why are you talking like Tracy Morgan? Stuttering and stroke-adled. I'm not even good at being racist. Oh, by the way, on the note of ski masks, if we want to stop ISIS, just stop sending ski masks to the middle of the desert. I think that's pretty...

They don't need them. They're not skiing. Yeah. What are they for? What are they for? Yeah. No, there's no shields out in the desert. Yeah, who's in the desert?

And it's like, if only I were warmer. Yeah, yeah. A nuclear plant was shut down after bird poop leaked into the reactor. In other news, this event is Connor McSpenn's superhero origin story. I had a nuclear reactor origin story joke as well that will be relocated to another week. Oh, no, no, no. You gotta test it and see if it's better. I deleted it already.

Earlier. Netanyahu has refused to meet with President Obama. The president says he's undeterred by this lack of diplomacy as he typically prefers Netan Google or even Netan Bing in a pinch. Get the fuck out of here with Neton. You wrote Neton Bing on a piece of paper.

Neton Bing sounds like a Star Wars character. It's that little Asian pilot flies around with Lando at the end of Jedi. A pregnant woman was killed after a hundred foot tree fell on top of her car, said Connor McSpadden's mother. Quote, some girls have all the luck.

Wow. You see, Keith, isn't it fun to slam each other in the next good joke off? A San Diego couple designed a vest to keep dogs safe from coyote attacks, which features metal spikes on the ribs and red quills on the spine.

The dog was immediately cast on the new blockbuster Air Bud Fury Road. You've got to look up this story. How is it not Air Bud Fury Road? He gets, Joe. The War Pups. Just a bunch of little, they're white, they're just covered in flour.

There's no rule that says a dog can't rule the wasteland. Instead of aqua... Bad Max! Bad! Instead of aqua cola, it's wet food. Do not get addicted to wet food, my friends. Make you weak. We will run out and go back to kibble.

Yeah, we gotta... We gotta go back to kibble yeah we gotta we gotta go over to squeaky toy town oh my god I feel like this is like the cutest calendar in the world it could be

oh yeah fucking Mad Max furry road fan art fan art request just do it I like how we're too lazy

to learn photoshop and we're just like somebody half-ass it and tweet it to us also let's be honest. There's no way this doesn't already exist. Yeah, that's true. Yeah, I had a friend of mine who was like so fucking – he was like, dude, I got a meme.

It's going to go viral. We just got to find an artist to make it, and it's a million views guaranteed. And I was like, what is it? And he's like, all right, get this, Chairman Meow. And he's like, it's Chairman Meow. And I was like, yeah, I know what it is. Yeah, I know what it didn't get. And I Googled it, and I fucking Facebooked it to him,

and I was like, immediately, of course, of fucking course there's a Chairman Meow. Yeah. That whole conversation, that's how Grace Hellbig got a career. Boof. Slam. Wow. Take that.

We're coming at you, Hellbig. We need to just start declaring war on internet celebrities until somebody cares. We talked about that. We're going to raise the Mean Boys black flags on the podcast. We should pick an enemy by the end of this show. I still want to do it. Yeah, we'll deliberate on that off the air. That was a great Mexican joke off boys.

You guys really killed it. And I want to get into some of this a little bit more serious, but there's no real we can't do that on the show. Something I don't talk about very much is i uh suffer from adhd i was diagnosed uh you know later in my life in my uh my early 20s and it's something that really has given me a lot of trouble and i've been uh i've really found that these uh guided meditations have really helped me you know get through the day more productive happier so i've actually made my own guided meditation and i'm going to drop it in here uh you know for you guys to listen to and maybe give you a little bit of a

peek into that world if you're interested. So we're going to play that for you right now. Begin by finding a comfortable place. You can be seated or lying down or laying down. I forget which one is correct. Anyways, uh, uh, rest your hands comfortably on your lap or, you know, wherever. It's not a big deal. On the floor is cool or the bed or the chair. I mean, you know, if the chair has arms. I guess you could put out your hands like in between your legs on the part of the chair that you sit on. But then your hands would be like close to your dick and that might be distracting.

Well, you know, whatever genitals you have. Anyway, it's concentrating. Concentrating is important. If you feel your mind wandering, remember not to judge yourself. There's enough people to do that for you. I mean, probably. Maybe I'm projecting. Anyways, focus on your breath.

Going in and out. In and out. As you exhale, feel your shoulders melting. Not melting like the painting with the clocks, but like releasing tension. Who did the melty clocks again? It's not Van Gogh because he was the guy that did the clocks. But like releasing tension. Who did the melty clocks again? It's not Van Gogh. Because he was the guy that did the Photoshop filter things. Like before Photoshop.

Anyways. Shoulders. Relax your shoulders. And start counting the spaces between your breaths. All the way up to ten. I'll give you a minute. Well not exactly. You know not just like a minute minute.

But like you know. The figure of speech okay starting now oh shit i didn't really think about it but i guess everyone's breath is paced differently so okay if i ended at one point and some of you guys aren't done just like you know if it gets it okay well fuck open your eyes and pause the podcast and then do the 10 breath things and then what did i tell you guys to close your eyes in the beginning of this that's important fuck okay close your well i mean don't don't I tell you guys to close your eyes in the beginning of this? That's important. Fuck, okay, close your eyes. Well, I mean, don't close your eyes right now.

Open your eyes. Pause the podcast. Okay, well, I have the background music. Okay, just go on YouTube and, like, Google soothing background music or whatever and just fucking click the first thing. And then play the YouTube video, pause the podcast, and then do the 10 breaths, and then press play on the podcast. Okay, now that you've counted your breaths, take a moment to be grateful for yourself for making

the time to do this. Try not to turn this moment of gratitude into a regretful resentment of the fact that you didn't start doing this while you were in community college, which might have mitigated your anxious inattentiveness enough for you to actually transfer and get the economics degree you promised your parents you would get and especially during this moment of reflection don't start imploding with rage that if you had started doing this two years ago you and your ex-girlfriend might still be together and she wouldn't be fucking some 99 cent store lobotomized version of you and not returning your fucking text messages. Namaste. That was inspirational stuff, man.

I feel serene. Yeah, thanks for meditating with me, guys. Chill as fuck. All right, well, Mean Boys is going to be right back. I officially hate your giggle. Oh, yeah. I like his whimsical tit yeah. I have a... I like his whimsical titter. I have an impish, like, yeah, like it's very, like, whimsy, you know?

Like if you tickled a gnome. Dude, you... I don't know. You look like a devil's sidekick. I hate the sinners. I've always... Look, if I can be Andy Richter in hell, I think I lived a pretty good life. All right.

Well, we're going to be right back with more Mean Boys right after a word from our sponsors. Do you hate your boss? Does your child have a new stepdad that can afford to give him better Christmas presents? Do you ever jerk off into the fireplace just so you can know that you're killing something no matter how small? Well, if you answered yes

to any of these questions, you might want to check out the Snuffington Post. Since the FBI raid of our last website service, the Snuffington Post has been the dark web's leading provider of snuff films for the last six weeks. Hi, my name's Snuff the Magic Dragon. Some of you may know me

as Snuffleupagus82, or during my brief Harry Potter phase, Snufflepuff. Over the years, my screen names have changed, but my passion for archiving and distributing videos of intense human suffering has not. Our library has over 2,000 moldy VHS tapes which have been painstakingly

digitized, burned, and jerked off into. Using our patented facial recognition software, you simply upload a photo of your nemesis and we match it to the most similar victim in our misery database. Your ex is going around with some little blonde-haired kid? Boom! We got you covered.

Here's some grainy security camera footage of someone who looks just like him getting hit by a train. You're welcome! Guy you went to high school with, more successful than you, likes to leave condescending comments on your Facebook posts? Ka-flooey! There he goes in a cell phone video of six gang members stomping his doppelganger for his wallet.

Bada-bing, bada-boom! Boom! Boom! Right in the fucking face, Craig! Browse your favorite categories, including Fire Ants, Diarrhea Baptisms, Hammer Time, Foot Stuff, Branding, Regular Ants, Knives and Shit, Piss Aquariums,

and many more. We have premium content from all your favorite sites aggregated in one easy location enjoy your favorite clips from Dr. Cactus Mandingo Bingo and the bag bus

all in one place everybody wants to hit somebody with the pointy end of a hammer sometimes so do the responsible thing use six proxy servers on your Tor web browser copy and paste the convoluted URL from 4chan

and watch somebody else do it on the internet while you curse the cruel light of day in your blood-stained underwear. The Snuffington Post, where people die on camera for the sins you're too much of a pussy to commit. We are back after that stellar word from our sponsors

in the Snuffington Post. And it's time to play a game, fellas. A game called Porn or Yelp Review. This is the worst Indian place in Brentwood. Yeah. The return of one of our favorite games. This was on our first episode, wasn't it? Maybe like second.

It was super early. Yeah, the first episode with those ill-fated sound effects. Well, I tell you what, I regret bringing it up because it's utterly irrelevant information. Man, back in the old days, like a month and a half ago. Glory days. Ten weeks ago, glory days. Before this podcast fucking went off the rails and started sucking. Ramsey still can, glory days.

Yeah, we had someone tweet us, you guys need to have less ads. And I was like, you're telling us to put less effort into this podcast. Stop doing the fun part. So the game is bleh bleh bleh bleh bleh. The way this game works for anybody who hasn't heard so far, I'm going to read

eight statements and Joe and Connor have to guess if these are comments left on porn videos or actual Yelp reviews of establishments. So let's begin, gentlemen. Number one, quote, it's dirty. Made me feel like I was going to catch TV. Fuck. That is a Yelp review written left by someone who thinks they're a writer and it'll never

work out. That is a fuck. That just oozes millennial entitled cuntiness. That's a 50-year community college Yelp review. Exactly. So we're both going Yelp? Absolutely. I'll say Yelp.

The correct answer is Yelp review. The Lee Camp City Comedy Club in Austin, Texas. Oh, wow. The Mean Boys Comedy Tour is not getting booked there. No, it's getting booked there. Way to go, Keith. Could you burn any bridges? You throw a hospital that we live around.

That comment was left by Ramsey Bedow. Is it? Oh, yeah. Next one like a hospital that we live around. That comment was left by Ramsey Bedow. Is it? Oh yeah. Next one is a review of CAA offices. Santa Monica. Doesn't Ramsey kind of look like Bin Laden did

in the 70s when he was kind of a hippie? Back when he, you know, had some like decent ideas and he was just a little out there. He looks like Drake of every time his hotline blinged a school bus exploded.

Google Ramsey. Number two. Don't do that. Just go on my Facebook. Number two. Quote, one time I sharted my pants in the mall and had to waddle to the bathroom. I mean, it's got to be Yelp review, but I really want it to be a porn comment. Like, you ever see a discussion breakout on the Internet at some place where there should fucking absolutely not be like i made this roast compilation video and it was on

it got put on ebom's world and then everyone in the comics was talking about trump and the jews oh no i didn't even do any trump or jew jokes hey we got to know our base here connor i mean who's kidding who um i want to say that could be porn because i went down like just a porn wormhole the other day i was looking up at like bdsm porn and i ended up on a tumblr that was just full of guys who like their their dom just made them like poop into a diaper so that is where the poop goes we had when we were kids we used to uh we used to be really into like these like hypnosis like audiophiles and they said you know if you put them on before you went to sleep you'd wake up and like smarter or something and like like they found all these weird ones from like some

like australian dude on their world of warcraft accounts that were like okay this one is gonna make you wake up and you're gonna think you're a baby and you're just gonna crawl around and shit yourself like it'll hypnotize you with fucking like our like subsonic brain waves and then they uh they like switched it and like put it like they said they were giving this one to my friend nick about like you know like becoming smarter but it was the you turn into a shit yourself baby and he didn't you know boring story con man it's a it's a yelper no i was enthralled i'm gonna go with porn uh the correct answer is porn ah two for two that's two to one joe number three quote i respect dwarves they work twice as hard as real people do. Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. This is at, like... This is Santa's workshop at the Galleria Tyler. See, I pictured, like, an all-little-person burlesque show where it prides itself on being all-inclusive. Oh, man. Little burlesque. Number A.

Little roller derby. How many pedophiles go to that and then just put their hand over the top half where they have wrinkles and shit? This is all I can do now. I don't know. They'd probably be turned off. They're probably all knobby on the bottom. All right. Guesses, gentlemen?

I'm going to go Yelp. Got him? Yelp. That is porn. Ah, boy. You know what? Let's just be thankful people are leaving porn reviews that involve the word respect yeah i feel that's makes me feel a little better about the human condition yeah i just i want to see keith i think a new segment should be keith's search history for preparation of one of these episodes it's a nightmare oh that is some fucking

abyss gaze because mine are all like acid on thrown in the face of a hospital worker in Yemen. And then it's like, what are some Power Rangers that you might not have heard of? Number four, quote, I club girls overhead and yell ooga booga. I am all that is man. Fuck. Okay. If this is a Yelp review, it's a review of a gym. That could be a gym where either of you two live.

Oh, boy. I'm going to say Yelp. I'm going to say porn. That is a Yelp review. Yeah, bitch. Of a restaurant called the Rhodesio Grill. I don't know, and I refuse to learn. It's just a regular restaurant.

You know what sucks, too, is you know the manager left, like, a fucking sniveling response that, I'm sorry you didn't get to club all the women you want. I'd like to come back for a free dessert. Come back, Prince Ooga Booga. That's two to two, I believe. Yep. Number five, quote, now that's a banana split. Oh, shit.

Fuck. Oh, no. Oh, Keith. Fuck. Oh, no. Oh, Keith. This is a well-made game. There's no middle ground in this. This is the most wholesome... This is either a Farrell's ice creamery or a fucking young woman becomes a... Or a Farrell's ice cream

pie. This was like an 80-year-old who left a review of a Tasty Freeze with his dying breath or the most horrific sex act. Oh, God. I think that's what you're going to do with your dying breath. Some diner like, the pie was cold. Yeah, this was

left by someone who was alive when Truman was alive or there's vaginal tearing. And my heart says porn. I'm going to say porn as well. The correct answer is porn. Ah, yeah. Number six. Quote, very inappropriate, vaguely rude, self-absorbed, chubby.

Keith, I didn't, I don't know why you have your dating profile mixed into the name, but I'm going to say Yelp. You know, yeah, I'm gonna say Yelp for the reason that people are so, like, entitled and self-serving that they'll, like, describe something as inappropriate and chubby in the same breath and see no irony.

Correct. And the correct answer is Yelp. Oh, good. It's a review of the hostess at Per Se restaurant in New York. See, this is why we need Trump. We just need a president who accurately reflects our heart. We deserve him as more of a point. He wouldn't have gone with chubby. He would have been like, you're a fat bitch

and I want a table faster. Number seven, quote, she wanted three, but her dad never showed up. Oh, no. They're not talking about, you know, Joe's face when I said that looked like milk curdling.

The way you said it, this could be like a children's party that gone awry, which also could be a porn, too. So that's... Good new name for Joe. Post my piñata, volume 12. Oh, sidebar into a different segment. Good new name for Joe, milk curdling.

Harvey milk curdling. Harvey curdle milk. That was... Oh, yeah. I told the listeners Harvey almond milk. That's, oh yeah, I told the listeners Harvey Almond Milk. That's a good one. Vegetarian. Oh boy.

I'm going to go with. Got to go porn. I'm going to go Yelp. The correct answer is porn. Yeah. I'm so sorry. And finally, number eight, quote, let me tell you something you already know. The world ain't all sunshine and rainbows.

It's a very mean and nasty place, and I don't care how tough you are it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it this I feel like this okay I feel like this is like a Yelp review for a laser tag complex of like a 40 year old who like like he just like bombards like children's birthday parties and like he's just playing he's playing

to his full limit because like none of us there is something great about a pick your yourself about your own bootstraps monologue in a throat fucking compilation you know like hey man someone worked real hard to edit this and you guys have the nerve to give it a thumbs down all right you know how long they had to wait in sony vegas to render this fucking montage of hate uh glenn glary glenn deep throat glenn gary glenn gloss my face. I'm going to say Yelp. I'm going to say Yelp, too. That is a Yelp review of Disneyland.

Wow. So the winner is fucking somebody, probably. Stop keeping score. Oh, yeah, I think I won. Yeah, probably. I have a tiebreaker if you guys want it. Yeah, sure. The tiebreaker, quote, I'll dream of that Twinkie next time I'm out hogging.

Oh, shit. You know what? That's a county fair review. That is a review for a fried Twinkie or My Name Ain't Joe Dosh. I got to agree with Joe. You're both incorrect. That is a porn review. Oh, no.

I guess you're milk curdling now. Yeah, I guess I am. I'm a man of my word. We'll get the paperwork drawn up. That'll be the next episode spectacular. The curdling family honor is at stake here, so I gotta commit to this. Well, I mean, Lord knows you can't pass on the family name.

You don't breed! Unless you get a little Asian girl to take it. Oh, yeah. You guys want to know something funny? This is true. My cousin is gay. He and his husband, they're both from Minnesota and Iowa.

They just got married. If you are a white gay couple from the Midwest, they're adopting a kid from Africa. They have to take a how to do black children's hair class. It's a requirement. Oh, that's great. There are government-funded agencies out there teaching white faggots how to do little black kids' hair. Oh, man. Sometimes government works.

This is precisely why people hated Obama. It's coming true. The word of this got out. Did they get like a state issued like bag of colorful beads? Are my tax dollars paying for that? That's why the British were in India for so long. They added hair to steel.

Well, that has been Porn Commenter Yelp Review, everybody. Yeah, I think it's time to hear for another word from our sponsors. Samuel Pickens here to talk to you about Pickens Farm cigarettes. My great-great-great-granddaddy, Bartholomew J. Pickens, started his tobacco farm way back in 1839. He was a simple man with two simple dreams, to grow and roll the finest tobacco in all of West Virginia, and to have an America free of Chinamen.

Folks around those parts thought he was crazy, but old Uncle Barty, well, with hard work, a keen mind, and some good old-fashioned American slave whipping, he done made that dream come true. Well, one of them, anyway. Times sure have changed since Uncle Barty started picking farm. I mean, boy howdy, can you imagine his face if he saw the world today? I could hear him now. What's a god dang iPhone?

Who's this Justin Bieber fella? The president's a- We're gonna what now? But the one thing he'd be proud to see is the family farm still thriving in the modern world. That's why we here at Pickens Farm are proud to announce our new partnership with ChemiCorp Industries. America's leading name in chemical waste disposal and consumer goods. Now, some of them big city newspapers are calling this a hostile takeover and saying we're cogs in an unholy machine designed to poison the human race,

but we here at the farm don't see it that way. We're just extending some southern hospitality to our friends at ChemiCorp, and they're returning the favor by spicing up our classic recipe. With each pack of Pickens Farm cigarettes, you'll still get that classic West Virginia tobacco, but ChemiCorp is infusing it with the finest products from this great country, the sweetest Mississippi turpentine, the rich, velvety taste of Wisconsin methane,

a spritzing of industrial lubricant from the famous auto plants of Detroit, and just a dash of Delaware's finest asbestos. We here at the farm like things old-fashioned, and we know change takes time. But we think you'll love our new cigarettes. They're smooth as ever, you can't beat the taste, and if you feel a sharp burning pain in your chest, well, that's just the patriotism taking hold. And if you're still feeling patriotic in two hours, we're legally obligated to tell you to seek medical attention

because patriotism feels an awful lot like something called spontaneous lung collapse. So whether it's a long satisfying day of working in the Chemicorp sulfur mines, a little bit of hanky-panky with your missus, or just a lazy Sunday afternoon lounging by the beach and throwing rocks at queers, there ain't nothing

you can't do can't be a little better with a Pickens Farm cigarette, I guarantee it. Ho, ho, ho. A present for you. A present for you. What's this? Cookies left out for Santa? How thoughtful. Brandon, Brandon. He's this? Cookies left out for Santa? How thoughtful.

Brandon! Brandon! He's eating the cookies. Quiet, Cassie. He'll hear us. Who's there? He heard us. He heard us.

If that isn't little Brandon and little Cassie. Two good little children who should be in bed by now. Santa can't come if you're not asleep, you know. We're sorry. We're sorry. We'll go to bed right now. Santa, how do your reindeer fly without any wings? Cassie, we gotta go to bed.

Now, now. Don't wake your parents. That would be very naughty. I'll tell you what, kids. If you promise to keep a very special secret, I'll answer just this once. Oh my gosh, really? Santa, how do your reindeer fly without any wings? Why, Christmas magic, little Cassie. Reindeer normally live in Norway and walk around on the earth, but on Christmas night, the combined power of the good little boys and good little girls of the world gives them the ability to fly. That's what a special time Christmas is. And is it because you eat all those cookies that you're so big? Cassie!

Ho, ho! Well, the day after Christmas, Mrs. Claus puts Santa on a special diet to keep him from getting too heavy, little Cassie. Santa, I heard there's seven billion people in the world. Do you really visit all their houses in one night? All in one night. All in one? All good little children across the earth, except the wretched Jews, of course. I... what?

Who's a Jew? Not a who, little Cassie. A what? A parasite which sucks the lifeblood of any nation they're permitted to infest. Oh! Wow! They brought down the great German nation while their army was on conquered

soil, you know. Jeez, Santa, I thought you didn't visit Jewish kids because they don't celebrate Christmas. Right you are! They don't celebrate Christmas, but they do celebrate turning Americans into chattel for wage slavery. Santa, you don't talk

like this in the Christmas movies. Oh, of course not, little girl. The Hebrew-controlled media corporations would hardly let Santa's message go undiluted over the airways. Turn me into a pawn of their Zionist agenda. That's what they do. Jeez, Santa, I don't like all of this. But you've forgotten your presents.

Brandon, I brought you a new bike and a whole starter box of Yu-Gi-Oh cards. And Cassie, here's a new wardrobe for your American Girl doll. And in both your stockings, I've included a copy of The International Jew by Henry Ford. Good little children educate themselves how the Rothschilds created the Federal Reserve and usurped America. Santa, this just sounds really naughty. Maybe, Brandon. But would not the greater naughty be to let a race of subhumans dilute the purity of our race? I'm going to give my presents to my Jew friends.

Oh, child, don't do such a terrible thing. That's almost as naughty as Santa's little elf, Derek. He's going to get a lump of coal for posting about his boot party on Stormfront.com where any government agency can read about it. I don't like Christmas anymore. Well, Santa's got to go, children. Here's another Santa secret. Did you know Santa's sleigh has a stereo?

I don't really care. Listen! White power! One, two, three, four! I'm telling mom about this. Ho, ho, ho. Death to the Zog Machine. All right, guys. I have prepared.

You know what? Today, yesterday, rather, was like faggot Christmas because it was the premiere of RuPaul's Drag Race. I thought even somebody came up your chimney. Haha. Yes. Anyway. You left a lump of coal in your stocking which is what I call HIV semen. Oh Christ. Jesus Christ. It's black right?

Here's what someone I've legitimately wondered. All we had to do was set up a segment and we literally offended everyone. Can I ask my question, guys? Please, please. I'm here to educate. If you have AIDS and you jerk off into a sock,

should you put it in one of those little plastic biohazard bags before you throw it away? I mean, should you? Honestly, you'll be responsible? I mean, you don't want to just go into the toilet where you can just get back into the water supply yeah I don't

get a bunch of skinny Tom Hanks fish well yeah shouldn't you have a hamper full of hydrogen peroxide or something that you can just jump it into

just withered little semen they're bumping into each other they're just leaning to one side don't they give you a barrel like that they look like little with their fucking

giant heads Joe you really do look like a sperm that never fertilized the egg it just fucking grew up. Evolved like a tadpole onto land and grew arms and legs. That's perfect.

All right, well... A sperm who got sentience. That's me. Anyway, well, this is an all-inclusive Witch of the Following, you guys. This is... Witch of the Following is not a quote from the great, wonderful reality show RuPaul's Drag Race. I'm so excited for this. Alright. Which of the following is not a RuPaul's Drag Race quote? A.

Go back to Party City where you belong, bitch. B. Jiggly Caliente. B. M. W. Body made wrong. C. You just can't take it. You're just an overgrown orangutan. That's a Jamar tweet. D. Bitch is so gay

even her asshole has a lisp. Oh my good Christ. That's the best roast battle joke ever. I don't play that much. Are there straight drag queens? There are. They're called fags. They're called all the way.

You know what? I did know a straight drag queen. They're called unicorns? I did know a straight drag queen who had a girlfriend and laid pipe into her frequently. I'm told, anyway. Did he wear the... I have so many questions, but I should probably ask him. Yeah.

My guess is bitch is so gay, even her asshole has a lisp. Um... Shit. Party... I'm gonna say D. The correct answer is C. You just can't take it. You're just an overgrown orangutan. Which is actually as a kind of a cheat because that's a line from

Paris is Burning which is like the spiritual predecessor to... Paris is Burning is like the Moms Mabley of faggotry. It's just laid all the groundwork, you know. God, you guys are staring at me with your... It's a Russian nesting doll of things I don't know. Do you really need to teach, like, a college class about all the, like, really lofty gay shit you're into?

You know, like... Condescending homo nonsense 101? Like the From Baghdad... I'm at least a level 400 class. You know, like condescending homo nonsense 101. I'm at least a level 400 class. From Baghdad to Beirut, but with like RuPaul all the way back to like, you know, gay priests in the 1200s transcribing the Bible and touching each other. Monks, they would live alone in cloistered sex and tug each other's wieners in the cold. Black Death took away many of them. Wow, even then black guys were fucking too big for her.

Anyway. He's a professor and he says wiener. That's my favorite part of that riff. Continue. Which of the following is not a RuPaul's Drag Race quote? A. Impersonating Beyonce is not your destiny, child. Oh my god. B. Y'all gonna choke on this country breakfast. C. Lil Pound Cake enjoys riding dirty and being a straight up motherfucking dick pig

Or D. Jesus is a biscuit, let him sop you up I'm gonna watch this show now Yes, this is exactly what I wanted He was telling me to watch it in the car and I was like, yeah, I'm gonna watch it in secret Thinking I'm not gonna watch it, I'm for sure gonna watch it in the car, and I was like, yeah, I'm going to watch it secretly, thinking I'm not going to watch it. I'm for sure going to watch it now. Bisexual, you've got to play on our team a little now and then. No half measures, Kerry. I'll come over.

Excellent. I'll come check it out. Oh, damn. Motherfucking dick pig. Wow. I think that one's so fun that it has to be real. One of the other ones. I'm going to say D. I'm has to be real. And one of the other ones... I'm going to say D.

I'm going to say B. The correct answer is B. Y'all going to choke on this country breakfast. Jesus is a biscuit. Let him sop you up is a quote by the great Latrice Royale. And on the show, when she said it out to everyone, this confused little queen just goes, what does that mean?

And he just looks at her and goes, it means Jesus is a biscuit. Let him sop you up. I gotta love that might be a Toby Keith song, to be fair. All right, which of the following is not a RuPaul's Drag Race quote? A, 5 G's, good God, get a grip, girl. B, girl, if I was going to judge anyone, I'd judge you on that body where them shoulders should match them hips, but they don't. C, for real though, bitch, you ever I'd judge you on that body where them shoulders should match them hips, but they don't.

C. For real though, bitch, you ever tuck so hard you feel like Christ on the cross? Oh, God. D. I don't have a sugar daddy. I've never had a sugar daddy. If I wanted a sugar daddy, yes, I could probably go out and get one because I am what? Sickening. Wow. Wow, wow, wow.

That's a lot. Oh, wow, wow. That's a lot. Oh my God. You are looking at... This is like when fucking Pacino's wife came out in Dog Day Afternoon is how I describe your expression. It's such a good reference. I think I more look like a dad walking on his son masturbating for the first time. You look like that guy from Dog Day Afternoon, by the way. Again, that's not one of the five movies I've seen. I'm sure it's very funny.

Get on it. It's pretty great. No. I'm going to say... I will say C. I will also say C. The correct answer is C. You are both right.

For real, though, bitch. You ever talk so hard you feel like Christ on the cross? I feel like that's very indicative of me and my specific brand of faggotry. That one immediately was like, that's a joke. Yeah. Anyway. All right. me and my specific brand of faggotry. That one immediately was like, that's a joke. Yeah. Anyway. Alright, which the following is not a real RuPaul's Drag Race pose. A. My mom's

a chola and she likes big cocks. B. You know you want this crocheted pussy. C. Y'all so white and Anglo-Saxon and shit. D. Bitch, you look like Ren from Ren and Stimpy. Fuck.

Wowzer McGowsers. Anglo-Saxon feels like a Joe Red Flag. So do the people that aren't. A red flag on a fucking shield. And gall. On my faggoty heraldry. Joe, you're using a lot of hate speech this episode. Yeah, I sure am.

I'm going to say C. I will say B. The correct answer is D, bitch. You look like Ren from Ren and Stimpy. Oh, that was the one I thought for sure was real. Y'all so white and Anglo Saxon and shit was said by the same queen who said,

Jesus is a biscuit, let him sop you up. I like the idea of a racist drag queen. Well, she's not. She's just a big black obese one. How stupid are we that we thought drag queens

watch fucking Ren and Stimpy? Yeah, they're way into Spumco. There was a drag queen recently. The girl who said, get back to Party City where you belong, bitch, just did all the series where she did drag as 90s cartoon characters because fucking millennial nonsense infects every art form.

Oh, my God. Translation. Hey, white women, shut up. There you go. Exactly. Is it all real or all fake, Brown? All real or all fake. A, who's that hot camera daddy?

He's giving me a snail trail. Gross. That's so gross. B, come on, Teletubby. Teleport us to Mars. C. Girl, you just swiffered the floor with your taint. Holy Jesus.

D. In Russia, money, power, and wealth are the keys to experiencing the full depth and breadth of lesbianism. These have to be all real. They're all real. They certainly are. The answer is all real. Damn it.

This is why the only people keeping Twitter alive are drag queens because these are all tweets and just pearls of wisdom. Wow. You said the new season just started, right?

It just started last night. I will watch. We all should agree to watch it and then we'll come talk about it next week. Outstanding. This is the only real sponsor we've ever had. This is the only real sponsor we've ever had.

This is the only real endorsement we've ever given. They're not going to be wanting us to bring them up again. That's for goddamn sure. Holy shit. We're not called Tweez Boys. It wasn't the best. Yes, it was. Yes, it was.

Okay. Yeah, I was like, I already started it. They're not going to let me not finish it. Just get it out there and apologize. Yeah, I think that's our show. That's the show. Guys, thank you for listening. People have been really nice about the podcast.

Nobody likes it, but the people that are into it love it, and that's really great. Yeah. It just makes us feel good. We love doing the show for you. No one likes it, but it does speak to a number of people's personal darkness, which is good.

Yeah. Yeah, no. I'm glad we have a special fan club. It's called the FBI Watch List. You guys are all on there whether you want to be or not. We're killing it in unmarked vans, let me tell you. Yeah, if you've noticed this in the woods, like old porn. If you've noticed the nothing-to-see-here flower shop van outside your apartment complex,

you know, thank you for listening. That's how you know you're a real fan. Do we have any plugs we want to get in before we wrap it up? Fucking follow us on shit. I don't think I have any. If you're in L.A., I'm at the Laugh Factory on March 23rd. Come through. Tickets on fucking my website, probably.

I'm going to be in Fresno this Thursday and Friday at Mother Mary's. Tickets can be get. It doesn't matter. It won't sell out because it's Fresno and the whole town just goes to your one entertainment option. Yeah. Keith's album is March 19th. Coming up. Yeah.

Soon. Very excited for that. Yeah. I also have one other thing I want to plug on March 16th. If you're in the Los Angeles area, I'll be at the West Side Comedy Theater in Santa Monica doing a show called Token Joke, where I will smoke far too much marijuana and then try to be funny.

So if you want to come scare me dressed like a clown in the parking lot, do that. Keith doesn't really smoke weed either, so that should be good. Oh, it's going to be a fucking nightmare. I mean, he's twitchy to begin with. I can't even imagine. Does it calm it down?

It just makes me scared all the time. I'll tell my pot story another week about when I tried to eat myself. Well, I mean. To be continued. To be fair, you're probably pretty delicious. I've been marinating in my own juices for several decades. You're a turducken of junk food. If you take a bite deep enough.

Chicken and a turkey and a ham and a bigger ham. Ooh, a Funyun. Ooh, a Skittle. Ooh, a Funyun Skittle. You just count the rings of snacks if you bifurcate me. The layer one is called the carb layer. After that, we get to the chocolate peanut butter fucking molten. It's like digging for fossils through the soil.

Yeah, what's that called? The mantle? There's a chocolate peanut butter mantle. Yeah, you get to the pizza crust. Yeah, the tectonic plates of barbecue. Follow us on Twitter at Mean Boys Podcast. Email us, meanboyspodcast at gmail.com. Yeah, on Twitter at Mean Boys Podcast. Email us. Meanboyspodcast

at gmail.com. Yeah, we've gotten some fan submissions we're going to be putting up soon. If you guys want to send us some ads, you know,

feel free to try to buy some ad space. We're very affordable. Whatever other nonsense you want to... Yeah, we're working on it. We got some shit cooking up.

We're excited to... We're excited to grow this with you guys. Yes. Okay? And we love you. Thank you. Bye. Outro Music