Mean Boys - EP 110 - Sea Scorpians (feat. Ehsan Ahmad)

Episode Date: February 13, 2018

We're going on tour, come see us! Most ticket links are live, if they're not, jump on our email list: meanboyspodcast.com Support the show on Patreon: www.patreon.com/meanboys This week’s segments include “Mexican Joke Off”, "Tom Tompardy", “The Winter Olympics”, "Valen-Tom's Day" and a game of "Which of the Following" with DnD monsters by Harrison Reed. Listen to Ehsan's podcast: https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/spoil-the-beans/id1333793393?mt=2 Fuck with the new Mean Boys subreddit: www.reddit.com/r/meanboys/ Subscribe to our YouTube channel: www.youtube.com/channel/UC0hvkj7TOPzMdJbKIh1L_hw Shop Sudio headphones and use promo code "MEANBOYS" for 15% off all purchases: goo.gl/JWBAJK Contribute to the Mean Boys wiki: mean-boys.wikia.com/wiki/Mean_Boys_Wiki Send us an email at [e-mail] or leave us a voicemail at [phone] We are proudly sponsored by Don Carlo's Taco Shop in La Jolla California (www.eataburrito.com) Follow our guest Ehsan Ahmad on Twitter: http://twitter.com/mrjbahmad Follow the show on Twitter: twitter.com/meanboyspodcast Follow Keith on Twitter: twitter.com/keithtellsjokes Follow Connor on Twitter: twitter.com/connormcspadden Follow Tom on Twitter: twitter.com/gossgoss6 Visit us on the web: www.meanboyspodcast.com Like us on Facebook: www.facebook.com/meanboyspodcast Follow us on Instagram: instagram.com/meanboyspodcast Follow us on Soundcloud: @meanboyspodcast Theme: I’ve Seen Footage by Death Grips (itunes.apple.com/us/album/the-mon…tore/id515449028) Buy Keith’s album (itunes.apple.com/us/album/forever-nap/id1105182043) Podcast logo by Luis Galvez: twitter.com/luiagalSupport the show on Patreon: www.patreon.com/meanboys Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

no frills delivers get groceries delivered to your door from no frills with pc express shop online and get 15 in pc optimum points on your first five orders shop now at nofrills.ca oh shit bitch it's the mean boys podcast what's up guys uh oh man the contest is still going on. When we hit 250 iTunes reviews, I will try soup, and I will probably throw up. We're at 186 right now. You guys fucking flooded them. That's way more than we usually get in a week, and the people are already weighing in. Bear2444 writes, they're mean, and his review just says, clam chowder.

I need you guys to know that I'm fucking dreading this. I don't want to eat soup at all. The idea sickens me. This is not a bit. Off-air, Connor has just been pacing and smoking a cigarette like somebody trying to land a spaceship with the comms out. Yeah, yeah. I'm in the NASA boardroom just like, son of a bitch. But, yeah, leave those reviews.

It helps us look legit and fucking make us feel all sexy and cool. Also, we're going on tour, bitches. Yeah. What? Finally happening. You filled out the email list. We know where you are, and we sexy and cool. Also, we're going on tour, bitches. Yeah. What? Finally happening. You filled out the email list. We know where you are, and we're coming to you. Milwaukee, Chicago, Fort Wayne, Detroit, Cleveland, fucking Pittsburgh, Philly, D.C., and New York City.

Most of those ticket links are live right now on MeanBoysPodcast.com, right there on the homepage. Just scroll down. You'll see tickets. If tickets aren't up yet in your city, hop on our email list. You'll be the first person to know. Tell your friends. Yeah. Fucking you guys are the street team. Help us out.

Drag everybody. This is going to be amazing. It's going to be great. We're all very funny. All three of us are performing in all of those places. Yeah, man. Oh, my God. I'm so excited.

Pending injuries and unforeseen arrests. Yeah, and or finding out Tom's not allowed on an airplane. Speaking of airplanes, now is a great time to donate to our Patreon. Patreon.com slash Mean Boys. Because we got a bunch of travel to pay for that we did not consider when we booked all these days. We totally did. Yeah, we got to get cameras in here. We got to do a lot of shit.

And you guys supporting us really helps out a lot. We also got to just eat food and survive. Yeah. You know? Oh, yeah, food. And it's fucking, that's tough enough as it is. But yeah, it's fucking great that we can count on that money, and it means a lot. And you'll also, 31, 32 episodes now of bonus content.

You've got a whole new fucking day of Mean Boys you can listen to. And without spoiling it, there is something that goes down at the end of this episode that will be followed up in a Patreon bonus very soon. I don't want to. This is a brutal one. With Hasan Ahmad, host of the Spoiled Beans podcast. Fucking my hilarious ex-roommate. Very great guy. Always one of our favorite Mean Boys guests.

And yeah, we're going to be announcing rewards for February soon. We'll be doing some more stickers for you guys. And we appreciate all the love. And without any further ado, let's get into it. This week's show, episode 110, Holy Shit with Asana Ma. Hey, everybody. Welcome to the Mean Boys podcast, the number one non-MMA comedy podcast on the market. I'm Connor McSpaddenad i'm keith carey

i'm asana mod and i am a transgendered roller derby captain ooh la la you know those transgendered people always saying ooh la la ooh la la no penis too does it sound a little poppy the audio yes but uh yeah yeah because these jokes are popping uh Tight. Oh, man, we're starting strong, I see. Your mohawk is frowning at that joke. Yeah, well, it frowns at most people. Yeah, Tom has shaved the beard, and it's bad. It's not good. Thank you.

Every time I do it, I'm like, oh, I've lost some weight. Maybe it'll look good this time. And I shave my face. I'm like, fuck, it just looks like uncooked chicken meat, and I don't know what to do. Yeah, you've cleared out the area where a chin should go. It's just like the Middle East. The boundaries aren't very well defined, and there's a lot of squabbling between the chin and the neck over who actually owns the Holy Land. It's just a disaster zone in general.

When it was first shaved, I was like, damn, there's a lot of divots that don't match on both sides. Divots, you fucking human golf ball. I was like, why is it not even, like, if it's uneven on one side. When you have the beard, you look kind of like, oh, like, cool and interesting. And now you just look sort of tired and unwell. Yeah. You look kind of scared all the time. I mean, both are me, but that's not really, like, yeah, no. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Because when you have the beard, tom looks like a like a road warrior fucking the ghetto philosopher you know like gutter scum poet but now it's just like this guy is lost at target with someone needs to get him out yeah that's what i get for trying to look nice like i fucking yeah the mohawk yeah you should stop doing that i really i don't do it very often and never again you gotta accept the sewer rat that you are. You just got to accept it. Yeah. No. Teach me for being optimistic about losing a couple pounds. Oh, man.

Yeah, it certainly should. I hope you never forget about it. Well, you know what I think happened? It was like I've gone down on the waist, but I don't think any of the fat in the face went away. Your waist just moved up to where your neck is. I think, yeah. It's just like... So you're squeezing out the fat like toothpaste. That's how you're

losing weight. Yeah. Rolling up in the tube. Toothpaste. Yeah. Toothpaste. Well, we have an episode title. Asana Ma joins us in the studio. Hey! Glad to be back. Co-host of the Spoil the Beans podcast. Tell me real quick.

The Spoil the Beans is a podcast... I just want The Spoil the Beans, Matt, it is a podcast. I just want Hassan to get his plug in. Sorry, we'll get into it. Yeah. So I have never seen any movie, pretty much. Me neither.

Yeah. My roommate, Derek, very funny dude, has seen so many movies. Very funny dude. And so we have a podcast where he just describes the plot lines of movies to me.

And that's all it is. It's just a full plot. Yeah. And Derek and Hassan, they've known each other forever. They've got great chemistry. I haven't listened to it, but that's all it is. It's just a full plot. Yeah. And Derek and Hassan, they've known each other forever. They've got great chemistry. I haven't listened to it,

but I'm sure it's good. And he's just this bombastic, excitable... Like, Derek finding an unopened York Peppermint Patty is a better story than me escaping a pirate ship. He's just that guy.

I think if you've seen the movies we've done, you'd be like, wow, Derek nails the songs. He sings a lot. You guys just did What Women Want, right? We've released Kill Bill actually today. Oh, shit.

You guys are trying to tap in on the Weinstein controversy. You know what? We record all these episodes so early that it's sort of weird how – you'll see – like next week we have a movie that deals with the Winter Olympics. But it just happened randomly. Oh, yeah, yeah. Because we're talking – Can I guess what it was? Yes. Is it Miracle?

No. Is it the bobsled one? Yes. Yes. Oh, that's going to be good. Like I said about Mean Boys, this show barely comes out every week, but you guys are backlogged out until May, which is ridiculous. Well, yeah, but all the prep work you need is one guy saw a movie.

It's a little easier. And then me, I'm just like, I got to write this taco bell sketch on my southwest flight yeah no sketches just plot that's already been written so it's yeah it's a very interesting way to watch a movie so listen to spoil the beans yeah look for that'll be in the show notes tom and tom and asan fucking we've been trying to get these two together for so long but uh used to live together in a hat closet owned by oliver hardy Cent lived there? The first Mean Boys studio. It was the first place we ever recorded was in their hat closet. Really?

Yeah. Episodes like one and two. Yeah, in between segments we were just climbing up to Tom's loft looking at the weird collection of fucking raccoon treasures he had stored. A box of Clearly for Jerking Off Kleenex. An open can of Wishnuts. Clearly for Jerking Off Brand Kleenex. Half a of Wishnuts. I only use Clearly for Jerking Off brand Kleenex.

Half a bottle of whiskey. It was the most Tom-ass hovel there could be. It's changed a lot since you've left. Yeah, I've seen it recently. Do you still live there? I don't. I don't. But I go visit every once in a while because it's like a weird Stockholm syndrome thing.

Are you going to do your first comedy album sitting outside the hat closet like Eminem and Marshall Mathers? Oh, God. That would actually not be a bad idea. It is the weirdest fucking building. You go in there and you're like, what is this possibly for? I mean, it's like four hats. It's the house that people, I think, assume our house is. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Our house looks like where grownups live compared to that fucking place. Well, you guys are the Squirtle version, and that's Blastoise. You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah. Of Degeneracy, for sure. It's the 17 people. Yeah, I did a show in the backyard there once where the stage was just like a burned out stump

with a tire leaned on it. What tire? Yeah, the tire. Well, yeah, no, Tom's like bunk bed. On the curb for the tire. We peek up there and it's just like a sword, a bottle of whiskey. No swords at that point.

Oh, really? Plenty of whiskey. Yeah. Pre-s. Oh, really? Plenty of whiskey. Yeah. Pre-swords. One of our roommates had a sword. It was a hammer. That's what I was thinking about. Oh, yeah, the sledgehammer.

I like that some people get sober and get really into CrossFit. You got sober and got into medieval weaponry. Here's the thing. It's just been gifted to me. Crossbow fit. And I'm embracing it. If you guys want to send Tom knives, I mean, we thank you again, Caleb Terry, for the Yeezys, the Louis Vuitton wallet, and the knife.

Yeah, the ritual suicide knife, which I think was very on the dance, and I very much enjoyed that. Everybody mail Tom a knife. Hashtag that is knife. Yeah. Yeah. I don't know if you heard, but Tom was explaining something. He was trying to make a big smart point, and he's like, and that, that is why. And now he's getting like five tweets a day of people just going, that is why. Never stop tweeting Tom, that is why. And now he's getting like five tweets a day and people just going, that is why.

Never stop tweeting Tom, that is why. Dark Crook Dick or whatever your name is tweets at me like every other day, that is why. Oh, Dark Homunculus. I refuse to say his name. It might have been him, but whoever tweeted the picture of Grover from The Muppets just pointing at the letter Y,

that was the funniest goddamn thing in the world. That's funny. At the same time, you guys was the funniest goddamn thing in the world. That's funny. You guys have, at the same time, you guys have the funniest slash scariest fan base. I don't know. Oh, true.

Well, Opie, he did a, a roommate Opie, a character in the Mean Boys Expanded Universe, did a Universal Studios Orlando commercial. So I tweeted it out

from the Mean Boys account just so people could see it. And then, first tweet is something racist. And I was like, oh, God. I was like, oh, God. I was like, dude, come on, man. We're like friends.

We know. You're not as good at this as we are. Kind of chill out a little bit. But I know, we wanted to have Keith Ray and Hassan on with Tom, and then Tom couldn't make it. I think we had Hassan on the other time. So you guys lived together. Did you guys have chloroform together? Or was that you and Keith Ray?

No, that was me and Keith Ray. Okay, yeah. Of course that was Keith Ray. And Hassan, again, looks like an aardvark that works for, like, you know, in tech support. So, I mean, just picturing him. Not even a racial thing. You're just a nerd. Yeah, just a aardvarky in my shell.

Yeah, I don't think anyone has ever called, like, Middle Eastern people aardvarks before. I'm in the tech support part. I got that part right. Oh, yeah. Well, no, I just meant it seems like you'd have a headset and be sniveling commands to people very neatly. Yeah, no, I get it. Oh, man.

I can see being a coward from behind a Bluetooth. Just leaving a note in the refrigerator about how the ice chewing is really disrupting his focus. I think aardvark is the most accurate way to describe me. I've never been... You've never been called an aardvark? I think you got me to my core from there. God, that is a perfect animal.

I think you're very – what's Timon? Meerkat. Meerkat. Ooh, he's Meerkat-like. I think he's more Meerkat than he is aardvark. You guys could be Timon and Pumbaa. We talked about that. Oh, yeah.

The joke was that I was going to be Timon and he was going to be Pumbaa. Oh, I wanted to do that with the girl. She was real short and I was real tall, and I was like, well, no, I'll be Morty and you be Rick, and I think that's way fun. It's the idea of Tom trying to do Lion King lines. Yeah, the Hakumbayama Tuesday, everybody. A winga stop, a longa stop. Most of my memories from when we lived together

was just us talking about how nothing matters at four in the morning as we both fell asleep. Was there really anything else that happened? Well, I mean, that's what we do here. When you live in the house, nothing matters. Yeah. Yeah, it's really easy to get on board with nihilism when you live in a bunk bed in a closet.

Like if Harry Potter had a roommate. Harry Potter and the it's the first, dude. Come on. Let's not fuck this up for everybody. Harry Potter and the it's a communal toilet, Chad. God, the amount of bathroom roaches in there.

Well, no, we got bathroom ants. Every once in a while, I'll just walk in and be like, all right, cool. I walked into the back bathroom the other day and it was just like, oh, I see the insect horde has taken the hairbrush.

Yeah. Well, and also they were babies. Donate on Patreon, everybody. We must groom the queen. So every once in a while, Tom sleeps like a fucking brick. Like a flesh brick. Flesh brick.

I'm sure his room is right outside my room now, so I just feel like I'm going to walk out and just see like just a bunch of ants carrying him back. I don't know if he's going to fit into the hive. He just wakes up in an ant fucking farm. I got shit. Okay. Oh, now again, what's the Wi-Fi? All right, everybody.

You can't get the Wi-Fi in here. I can get ant Wi-Fi and not this Wi-Fi. Tom has a ton to say. I'm just trying to throw it in. Again, like the amazing, it's almost astounding because I'll be like, yeah, Tom, you and Hassan used to live together. He's like, yeah. I'm like, anyway, so let's get into the first thing.

You know, and another thing. Every week. That reminds me about a long story about socks. The Mexican joke of everybody. Hi, so topical. I like socks. I'm sorry, Tom. What happened?

No, I like socks. You ain't Wi-. What happened? No, I like socks. You get ant Wi-Fi? Oh, we were... We'd be in the summer in our little... Yeah, we were talking about... This is me, old ant Wi-Fi. We were talking about... There's no more cockroaches in the house now, but there's rats.

I don't believe it. Oh, fuck. Wait, you see rats? Yeah, rats. It's like big-ass rats. Damn, you guys are moving... They are the... They're just evolving.

Yeah. The rats eat the cockroaches? And they also built another loft. Why is that? The rats did? In the closet. Yeah, the rats built a loft. No, there's a second loft in the closet.

That whole house is, I don't know why they swallowed the flies. You get gentrified out by upwardly mobile rodents? Here's the thing. I wasn't even in a bunk bed. I was in a slit in the wall. Yeah, it was literally, you had to crawl. It was some fucking top shelf tweaker carpentry where somebody is like taking an old door and just fucking welded it to the wall like you couldn't what did you guys

pay for rent in that place like 300 yeah yeah something like that okay it was less it was less in the basement okay man that's fucking yeah anyway uh. Mexican joke. What's going on in the news this week? I'll take a sway. A Covina pastor accused of sexually assaulting a young girl in a motel said he was, quote, in the wrong place at the wrong time. He said he thought he was going to her butthole in the year 2033. I'll show you one of them future buttholes. Future butt. Yeah.

Stinky portal. A California... The company's still called Valve, but I mean... future butt yeah stinky portal alright a California the company's still called Valve but I mean it's a whole different thing it's just a dude instead of having a Valve

camera it just has a butthole for an eye the turd coming out of it that's funny if you play video games yeah that's good a California non-profit

held a prom for mentally handicapped teenagers around the country finally a prom where every dance is a slow dance. That's fun. I'm pretty proud of that one.

We're playing. Make sure your kid is eating the tiara. All right. A high school basketball coach in Texas ignored a 16-year-old boy's screams as his teammates raped him. When asked about it, the coach said, I'm just trying to do my best,

as he tenderly touched a picture of Joe Paterno taped to his bathroom. Man, that might be the most upsetting setup in Mexican joke office. I saw that story. I scrolled past it. I was like, this is where the money is. This is why we love a song.

You charmer. Snake charmer. I thought you were going to call him a charmander for a second. I was like, he does kind of look like a beta male charmander. You're a possum meerkat charmander. A meerkat charmander? Meerkat charmander. Fast food workers across the nation are planning to go on strike for $15 an hour wages.

If you are one of those people striking, you might be a redneck. But if your meal plan is affected, you might be the president. There's so much that you tried to do. There was. You're like, this needs a Trump burn, a Jeff Foxworthy burn, and at least nine uhs. The uhs were unplanned. You use uhs like bacon bits where you're just like, there's a handful. Just fucking drop.

Uh is my reloading word. It's your buffering word? That's your buffering. Even your brain can't get Wi-Fi. When Tom does that, his eyes just do the little Mac loading spinner. I'm about to make you look real good here. Let's get into this. Pakistan has banned Valentine's Day.

Shortly after the announcement, there was a hurricane in India from all the men in Pakistan going, whoo, when they found out. At the same time, they all go, whoo, and it turned into a hurricane. If you listen closely, you can hear Kevin Eubanks playing the bass in the next room. That's such a nice ABC family joke. Come on, Jay. Just time to go home. That's a callback.

That was like a network TV joke. Yeah. Sometimes I think of these fun ones. I'm going to clean boys. I'm like, let's throw in a clip for my mom to play for my grandma this week. I know my mom played my grandma the dressage round of Which of the Following because she loved dressage. Quincy Jones revealed that Marlon Brando used to have sex with Richard Pryor, making it

the second most interesting story about Pryor being a total flamer. Because he caught himself on fire smoking. Clever. Not great. That's the response you want from a joke is silence, explain, and then... And then Snapple fact. Makes me feel better. I got it immediately.

Nah. I think that made me feel better. I always feel bad when I'm on the Tom wavelength. Looks like lobsters could theoretically live forever. I love lobsters. It's a food and a creature. I was just doing Bane. Come down to Lobster Fest.

There's butter. You merely adopted the cheddar bag. I was born and delicately seasoned it. Sea scorpions. Yeah, Tom just gave himself a heart palpitation trying to think of that in time.

Sea scorpions. I was literally saying, what's the other arachnid? Not the scorpion. And then I said it. Thanks for running us through the process

It took me a while To get that you meant lobsters I just thought for a second That was your safe word When you got lost in the Rift Sea scorpion We gotta catch Tom up

He said sea scorpion Yeah Alright Logic's Grammy performance Tripled calls The National Suicide Prevention Hotline Mostly from people

Who wanted to kill themselves After listening to that Weak ass pussy ass Gay ass song I did like the same joke I think last week Oh you did to the National Suicide Prevention Hotline, mostly from people who wanted to kill themselves after listening to that weak-ass, pussy-ass, gay-ass song. I did, like, the same joke, I think, last week. Oh, you did? Ah, fuck. Yeah, that's right. I do, like, weak-ass, pussy-ass, and gay-ass. Yeah.

I didn't... Really covered all the ass bases. Yeah, they need to know. I didn't need to slur any minority groups in my joke, because I believe in good, clean joke writing. Yeah, Connor was able to bomb with that joke on his own. No, I said, damn, I didn't think it was that bad. That was my laser punch.

Clean boys. Yeah, yeah. Oh, we're doing nice boys. Fucking April 1st. Oh, you're supposed to spoil it. Well, I don't know. I want people to get excited. I think we should cut that out.

I think it should. We'll figure it out. All right, we'll cut it out. All right. Okay, my turn. I'm going now. An article stated The trick to traveling with type 2 diabetes

Was careful planning But in reality, it is hopping on one foot That's good I give that a C plus scorpion No, it's not a fucking C++ scorpion. It's a straight-up underwater nerd. If you could snap on this show. What do you got under that beard?

Gills, bitch? Damn, you aquatic dingus. Yeah, what are you fucking turning water into breath somehow, you freaky fish? Anyway, a small town in Pennsylvania has elected a registered sex offender as fire chief. His department defended the decision saying he's motivated to get those kids out alive. It brings him home safe. Oh my god, I'm just picturing a terrifying version of

Backdraft where he runs in slow motion with kids under his arm and then just runs past the fire trucks and gets off into the night. You just hear one of the kids yelling help, he started the fire! He just jumps into the sun like 60's Hulk and like, oh, well, I guess this is out of our jurisdiction. Oh, that's really funny. All right.

This is dumb. A British man's rectum fell out of his body after he spent hours playing video games on the toilet. Call of Duty, more like fall of booty. Hell yeah, dude. I like that. Dr. Mario has to just thumb it back in. Oh, God. I like how that made everybody cringe. Dr. Mario.

Not the coach ignoring rape cries. I'm imagining him hitting one of those bricks when he jumps off. It's his anus. The prostate. I just think when it comes out, it makes the Yoshi tongue noise. Nice. I know that there's not that much rectum, but I just picture you have to fold it back in, undoing an exploded airbag. There's not that much rectum.

All right, let's get my other bomb out of the way. The new report from England's public health ministry says vaping is 95% more safe than smoking, but 100% less cool. Yeah, man. Yeah. You told it. Yeah, man. You fucking. Damn, you said some kind of.

Never mind. I fucking. If you had a time machine, Jay Leno would have also bought that one. Some psychic predictions. All right. Well, here's my thing. An Olympic sportscaster had to apologize for... You want to take a mulligan on this one, champ?

I'm going to give it another shot. Okay, all right. An Olympic sportscaster had to apologize for stating that Japan influenced Korea. In his apology, he said, I'm sorry, it was China that taught you to pee-pee in the Coke. I think that's back-to-back pee-pee in the Coke jokes. Yeah, I'm sorry. It was China that taught you to pee-pee in the Coke. Back on that reference. I think that's back-to-back pee-pee in the Coke jokes. Yeah, I like mine. The podcast is consuming itself.

You just got to pee on. Pee on. Pee on. That's another thing Tom does to check the mics is he shuts taint, and then he does like Aerosmith, but it's about bottled fluids. Well, usually someone has to pee. Yeah, yeah. Whenever someone tells me they have to pee, I always sing Aerosmith urinating.

You do? It's kind of a fun thing. Yeah. Pee, oh, pee, it's like a dream. That didn't mean keep doing it or do it ever again. But, I mean, you know, I was trying to get you to shut up so I could tell my bad joke. All right. Tell your bad joke.

All right. A Milwaukee health official said that the science is still out on whether vaccines cause autism. They plan to verify the findings in April by trying to give everybody polio at the Mean Boys show. Tickets available now, guys. Look in the show notes. Socially maladjusted ding-dongs. For all you fucks that skipped the intros, you don't know how many

convenient ways there are to give me money. Police have raided and shut down a brothel that deals exclusively in sex dolls. Authorities are calling the establishment the Barbie Cream House. Instead of the Barbie Dream House. You guys, our energy's... We're going down. We've got to play a quick game of

Zip Zap Zop to get everybody piped up again. I'm going to play a game of See Scorpion, Say Scorpion. I don't know. What is that? It's just a see something, say something. It was just a funny phrase I thought up and I was trying to work it in. Are we zapping and zapping? Still shitting on him for the See Scorpion thing? Well, this works. All right, guys.

Let's go. Pass the clap. Let's go. Tang! God damn it. All right, it's on. All right. Pass the clap.

What is this, Grindr? Hey, oh. Oh, oh. Oh, fucking Fetch Baybell back in the studio. Andrew Dice Gay, oh. Whatever, yeah. I think that's an Anthony Comey a bit, but. Wow.

Hollywood manager Vincent Cirincione is accused of sexually harassing over nine women. He will be able to continue to work in Hollywood, however, because he had the foresight to only harass black women. Oh, shit. Man. Son, fucking. Damn. Social ideas. You're really trying to stir up their controversy

For this movie podcast The number one alt-right Describing a movie podcast Yes, okay You just have Like you had a snifter of brandy A snifter of glue in your hand I like that Tom just has a loud resting mouth

It's like you came up with an evil plan right there. Yeah. Yes. People are boycotting the new Peter Rabbit movie because they bully people with food allergies. I, however, am proud that there's finally a movie that demonstrates the struggles of being white.

Okay. I kind of get how that was supposed to come about. I thought Peter Rabbit was brown. No, but people with food allergies are white. Yes, that was the bad joke. I'm just not smart enough to get your jokes, Tom. Wait, is that what Peter Rabbit is? Is that rabbit calling somebody with a gluten allergy a faggot?

I read the article, and there is, like, people are real upset. Hey, if you ate enough carrots, you could see that white is the master. All right, gang. And finally, a former judge will serve 20 years for sex trafficking. Tom Goss will start shouting outside the courtroom, hey, what's the big holdup? Oh, God. Oh, what a, that's a funny callback. Perfect callback to last week.

If people didn't hear last week's episode, that sounds a little soldiery. That's the great thing about this podcast is unless you've listened to all of it, it doesn't make any sense. You've got to start and get through the first 20 mediocre episodes. Starbucks is facing legal action after a child was accidentally served a coffee that was full of human blood. Or as Fox News put it, First they took Merry Christmas off the cubs, now they're catering to vampires. Venti Soy Benghazi!

Yeah, they just straight up fed a toddler a bunch of blood. Where did they get the blood? It came out of a dude who was bleeding. Oh, okay. I don't know what you thought the answer. They didn't put it out of a little squirt pump. That's what I was saying. I was saying next to the Coke thing there was just a blood thing. I was like, oh, we put the blood one

next to the raspberry one. Kevin, Halloween is like eight months away. You're really fucking up our whole merchandising strategy for the fall. What the fuck? What location? Somewhere in California, I think. I think it was up in North Carolina. Oh, no. I'm in California.

Well, no. It was so funny because this guy was wounded who was the barista. And I guess he bled in this coffee that this toddler drank. I give him props for playing hurt. And they came down. I guess the family came back and were like, hey, you gave my kid blood and I guess the manager was like,

how about this, free Starbucks for a week. And they're like, how about we sue you for five million dollars instead. Nice. I would have taken the week of free Starbucks.

I mean, it depends how bad the blood was. I mean, the kid finished the drink. Yeah, but kids are stupid. Yeah, so like who loses really? Yeah. I mean, I guess the guy with less blood. It's the guy who hates corporate America. Have your fun.

If I get blood in my Starbucks, you better goddamn believe I'm going to pretend to be traumatized and lose that lawsuit because of this mediocre riff I'm doing right now. But I mean, yeah, like cosmically, like if I was like, if I was like, no, I'm financially well, like, I don't know. I would. The thing I'd be worried about is like, oh, that guy's going to never be able to get a job ever again. That's the thing. You're ruining that man's life. Yeah, so I probably wouldn't. I've got a pretty strong moral code with shit like that.

Yeah, I feel you. As a guy who steals from every 7-Eleven. Yeah. All right. There are a couple gay Olympians who are currently in a feud with Mike Pence. On one side, the Olympians say that they are just as American as anyone else. And on the other side, Mike Pence is jealously looking at them, pining to share their forbidden love. I know.

The idea of just Mike Pence just watching ice dancing with one hand conspicuously disappearing. That has to be – he has to be the – They're so fucking elegant. Yeah, that has to be the biggest boner that ever was. Oh my god. Oh god. That must be a huge boner. Yeah. I has to be the biggest boner that ever was. Oh, my God. Oh, God, that must be a huge boner. Yeah. I mean, I can't imagine it's that big. I feel like Mike Pence has a bad dick.

I feel like if you live in Indiana, you just eat enough grains as a kid that you have plenty of dick fuel. I think Mike Pence's wiener is lame. I think this is a controversial opinion. I bet Donald Trump has a pretty big dick because I feel like you need a big dick to be that unreasonably confident. I don't know. I feel like several people I didn't say it all works, but I think it's big, but I think now it's unfunctual. I think he's got kind of a hog, yeah. I think he believes it's big,

and that's all that matters. Dude, all you gotta do is believe it's big, and you do anything. I bet he's packing like eight thick. That's my guess. You know what's better than a couple extra inches, a couple extra billion dollars, I think is what's really going to give you the confidence. Yeah, but have you ever had a giant dick? No, and I also have not had a couple billion dollars, and I think I'd pick the billions.

I have $7 and a big dick, and my life is fine. So I don't know. I think you can make it work. What kind of dick are you swinging us on? Average. Yeah, just straight down the middle. I got a straight down the middle dick. Give me some numbers here. Maybe buy Curious down the middle. What kind of dick are you swinging us on? Average. Yeah, just straight down the middle. I got a straight down the middle dick. Give me some numbers here.

Maybe buy Curious down the middle. What is average? What is average? What, like a little under six? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. And it's like, I'm not walking around with this Keith Carey confidence. No, me neither.

All the time, where I'm just like, yeah, I've never asked anybody for a ride. But I'm just like, oh, man, if I had that fucking soup can, I'd probably be like, yeah, could I get an extra $100 for this weekend? I feel like I'd be in a better place. All right. Tom, wrap it up strong. I'm going to bring you to a worse place. Okay.

A teacher was fired after they failed a student because a teacher did not believe Australia was a country. Geographer Dice Clay states, Australia's the world's glitz. It's easier to find than you think. Way to put the cunt in country there. Oh! Oh!

Let's focus on what's important here, is that Tom knew the word geography, and I'm proud of him. Yeah. Actually, funny story about that. I was writing with Ram geography, and I'm proud of him. Actually, funny story about that. I was writing with Ramsey, and I go, Ramsey, if you know where places are, is that called a geologist?

And he goes, no, I think it's a geographer. You know the first draft of that joke was Map Doctor Dice Club. That would have been better. I should have done that. And on that note, the Mean Boys podcast will be right back with something else. Welcome back.

Coverage of the opening ceremony for the 2018 Winter Olympics. The world turns its eyes to Pyeongchang, South Korea, for what promises to be an historic Winter Games. The ceremony so far has been nothing short of spectacular. Pyrotechnics, coordinated ice dancers, and a tribute to the alliance between South Korea and the United States symbolized by having the Gangnam Style guy eat 50 hard-boiled eggs on a Zamboni. And now the greatest athletes from across the globe are entering the arena. These competitors are thrilled to have the opportunity, nay, the privilege,

to represent their country on the global stage. Does that say stage? Apologies, ladies and gentlemen. We're having a bit of trouble with the teleprompter here, but it should be... We got it? It's fixed? Okay, it's good. All right, great. First to enter are the competitors from Albania.

Albania is a small European nation which has suffered a financial crisis in the past decade, but the presence of two competitors this year signifies an up. Guys, the prompter is off. I got nothing here. What? Yeah, I know the parade's not gonna fucking stop, Jerry, but I'm flying blind out here. What? Just wing it? Alright, fine. Fine. I got this. Alright, let's just... Okay, just go.

And we're back. Again, apologies for the technical difficulties. Following Albania is the team from Sweden. Sweden has I don't know, it looks like 200 people on their team. Sweden is expected to be a dominant force in several events this year, including the uphill bobsled, frosty boxing

and the 100 meter Ikea dresser assembly. And now the small island nation of Tonga takes the stage. Despite their small presence Tonga has made a splash on social media thanks to their shirtless flag bearer Pedro Hakuna Matata. Eagle-eyed cinephiles may recognize him not only as an Olympic taekwondo champion, but as also that greasy, sexy saxophone man from the movie The Lost Boys.

Some have claimed Tonga has an unfair advantage this year, because scientists claim the average Tongan weighs over 800 pounds and can jump 200 feet in one leap. Next up is, uh, jeez, I don't know. Like, they're definitely Asian, but if I guess wrong, it's going to be a whole thing. Oh, cool, red dot, it's Japan, I don't know. Like, they're definitely Asian, but if I guess wrong, it's going to be a whole thing. Oh, cool. Red dot. It's Japan.

I know this one. Japan's team boasts an impressive 124 athletes, making them a powerful presence this year. And for those Olympic trivia buffs at home, here's a fun fact. At the closing ceremony, all 124 of Japan's athletes will honor the host city of Pyeongchang by interlocking their bodies to form a Voltron, which will then be used to defend the city from Mothra. And I'm getting word from my producer that the previous statement is incorrect and that Mothra is in fact an enemy of Godzilla and not Voltron. Interesting that he has the ability to fact check that in real time, but not to fix the teleprompter. More on this story as it develops. Oh, and close behind them is the Olympic team from the sovereign Republic of Stankonia. This proud nation, mostly known as the place from which all funky things come,

is competing in its first ever Olympics this year. Located seven light years below sea level, these butt-nasty athletic specimens have gasoline dreams in their hearts and are ready to get straight freaky bounce nasty on the competition. And I'm being informed by my producer that that is Kenya and that I am, and I'm quoting here, super fired. Tough but fair.

We will be back right after a commercial for several corporations who exploit cheap labor from many of the nations competing this year. When we return, watch two war criminals shake hands while some K-pop dipshit sings a song about a dove. The Mean Boys Podcast is brought to you by Sudio Sweden Headphones. Oh, man. You listen to stuff through your headphones every single day, and if you're going to invest in something, you're going to splurge a little bit, and you're going to sell something nice,

do it with your headphones. Yeah, it's worth the extra money. These things, we're wearing the Regent right now, the over-ear model, and these things fucking rip, dude. They sound great. They got fantastic audio quality. The bass is bassy.

The treble is spicy. Battery life is phenomenal. You charge them up, you're good all day and a little bit of the next. They got Bluetooth. They got a cord. They have a magical cord that we're obsessed with that does not tangle. It really is. I don't know why this isn't in the ad copy studio, but it's fucking amazing.

It is a feat of modern engineering. Never once have I had to struggle with this thing to get it right. It's always where I need it to be. And Valentine's Day is tomorrow. And look, you didn't. Well, you're not loved if you're listening to the show. But if by some miracle you are, you buy a pair of studios for whoever you're throwing your genitals at they are going to be ready to play these are a fucking lovely gift you open them up you fucking

it's got the packaging's all nice there's all these little accessories to come with and uh guess what the best part of all is that you can save yourself uh 15 by using promo code mean boys when you check out at studiosweden.com. They also got earbuds, a whole bunch of other different audio products for you to fucking consume. They're all fantastic. Oh shit, Mr. Ear here, are you talking about Sudio?

Oh man, we'll move over Mr. Ear because it's going to be Mr. Dick and or Pussy for Valentine's Day. Yeah, fucking just buy the headphones. And the Mean Boys podcast is back. I'm throwing it back. Actually, let's let Tom throw it back from break.

You already started. No, you can let's start. Yeah, reset, go. Do it fresh. Hello, everyone. And we are back from break with the Mean Boys podcast here with my three friends. And we are about to play. Acquaintances. Can you change the name of this podcast

to my three friends my three friends and it's just Tom like jumping and overall like a freeze frame like him drawn like fucking like frog and toad style Dr. Meyer and anus back into someone's body

not today Satan we have Tom Goss the reverser of prolapses an anus back into someone's body. Not today, Satan. We have Tom Goss, the reverser of prolapses. He's anti-lapse. Some people call me the Duke of Salt. And the game we're playing is what... Tom's just like, if you guys will let me professionally broadcast...

Refuse to participate in the riff. Continue. I'd like to say, maybe someone else said our second favorite game was something else, but our third favorite game, Tom Tomperty. Do you mind if I use your notebook

to keep scores? Go ahead. Yeah, yeah. Hell yeah. It's time for Tom Tomperty. For anybody who is new to the show. You just read all these

diary entries about how secretly gay it's on. It's not a secret. Nah, we'll get it. For anybody who's never listened to the show, Tom Tomperty is a game we like to play.

If anyone's never listened to the show, being gay is bad. We've covered this headline. Oh, man. Yeah, no. As a participator, I agree. We're scourged.

Oh, yeah. And as a guy who has kissed many men and dressed in drag, I am a fucking violent homophobe. And I am in no way kidding at all. To destroy the gay, you must first understand the gay. We don't have another pen, do we? We do. There's some on the ground over here. Okay.

Well, while you guys figure this out, Tom Tomperney is a game. Tom has a knack for describing things in very fun ways. A couple examples of that. He once called swans sexy geese. You've heard of the devil as edgy god. He referred to. Overalls are shoulder pants. That's the newest addition to the Hall of Fame.

So Tom Tomperney is a reverse version of that where he's going to give us categories and descriptions of things. And we have to try and figure out what the fuck Tom is possibly talking about. A personal favorite was I called lasagna Fulton spaghetti. Oh, yeah. I forgot about that one. It got overshadowed by shoulder pants. Fulton spaghetti and shoulder pants were big hits. We haven't talked about this on the air yet.

No, we should. So there is a gay country musician named Tom Goss, and this feels like a weird story to tell after the riff we just did. No, and I was on Growler, the hookup app for the Husky Gentlemen, and I ran into gay Tom Goss on there. And there's been some confusion between their careers for years. Tom has had people show up to his gigs. Yeah, and be like, when's the guitar coming out?

And this guy seems like he's got a sense of humor. His big hit song is called Bears. He's a really cool dude. And I sent him a message and explained to him, funny story,

we have a Tom Goss as well. And then he was like, oh yeah, I'll come do the show sometime. So at some point in the near future, we will have Tom Goss, the comedian,

and Tom Goss, the gay country musician on the podcast. I can't wait to hear him. And spoiler alert, I'm only trying to have sex with one of them. With anybody you want on the show. Send him a tweet, you know? I mean, tweet Tom that is why, for sure.

But be like, hey, gay Tom Goss. Well, don't call him gay Tom Goss. That might be a bad move. Hey, go to the Mean Boys, you know? Like, let them know. Yeah. He's so much angry tweets in his direction. Yeah, or even just, yeah, go leave comments on his YouTube videos about how cool he is and how cool we are.

Go be a positive force of light in his life. Because it would be too funny. So it pardons some of the casual homophobia we participated in this hour. It's very serious. It's not a joke at all. Who needs him? Well, you guys have kissed enough men for it to be okay. Yeah, I've kissed a bunch of men.

I'm good. And you've kissed more than most. Yeah. Yeah. Above average, for sure. Yeah, I've kissed a bunch of men. I'm good. And you've kissed, you know. More than most. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, above average, for sure. How many times have you kissed? Or have you just kissed me a lot of times? I want to say.

That counts as two. I want to say three. You kissed Pat. Did I kiss Pat? Kill Tony, you guys made out pretty hard. Oh, I did, yeah. I forgot about that. Yeah, Jonathan Rowell.

I was thinking Pat Barker, and I was like, when did I kiss him? Oh, God. Oh, what an upsetting. Is that why he tastes breadcrumbs? Hey, Pat. Did you and Joe ever kiss? I think I tried to kiss him at a roast Oh, God. Oh, what an upsetting. Is that why it tastes breadcrumbs? Hey, Pat. Did you enjoy the kiss? I think I tried to kiss him at a roast battle, but I think he fought it off. Okay, that sounds about right.

So it was like four and a half. Yeah. All right. But yeah, we're doing our third favorite game, Tom Tomperty. Tom Tomperty is my favorite game. What are the categories this week? I love Tom Tomperty. Since we have Valentine's Day approaching tomorrow for the listeners.

The categories will be sex position, accessories, gifts, and dates. There's reverse cow crudels on there, which is what Tom called reverse cow girl. Miscellaneous Valentines, and then famous murderers. Oh, my God. That's so good. Wonderful. That is wonderful. Yeah, and we're playing by hand raise. If you didn't get the answer, raise your hand.

Tom will decide who raised their hand first. We got to get buzzers at some point. Yeah. Sense of Sons, I guess. That's what we should invest in with the studio first is Tom Tomerty buzzers. A game we play once every three months. I think we should just play Tom Tomerty more, but yeah. No, I agree.

Okay, so, Asan, you're the guest. You get first pick of the board. All right, we'll go sex positions for 100, Tom. Okay, number blowjob. 69're the guest. You get first pick of the board. All right, we'll go sex positions for 100, Tom. Okay, number blowjob. 69. Correct. God damn it. Keith is on the board.

Sex positions for 200. Sex positions for 200. The reverse autism. What? Reverse autism. Missionary. Correct. Wow. Wait, hang on.

I think I know why. Because you're making eye contact. That's my guess. Oh, fuck it is. I'm so sorry. Correct. Wow. Wait, hang on. I think I know why. Because you're making eye contact. Yeah. That's my joke. Oh, fuck it is. I'm so sorry. That's funny. I'm so sorry. I'm mad that I didn't get it right.

It's my closer. That was not intentional. No, it's fine. It's parallel. Come see us on tour. Tickets available now. We're at Parallel Thought, like the rails of a train. They would be real excited about it.

All right, guys. Let's do it. Fucking sex positions for three. I'm feeling this. Okay. Hoor like the rails of a train. They would be real excited about it. All right, guys. Let's do it. Fucking sex positions for three. I'm feeling this. Okay. Hooray, I'm a chair. What? Like sitting up cowgirl?

Not quite. Reverse cowgirl? Correct. Okay. Fuck you, Tom. Ahsan rockets into an undeserved retarded lead. You don't sit towards the back of the chair. Well, if you're a cool camp counselor, you do.

If you're going to rap to the kids about dope. Not for reverse cowgirl. Okay. Your pick? I will go sex positions 400. Hooray, I'm a chair. Moon landing. Anal. Butt stuff. That is 400. Ray, I'm a chair. Moon landing. Anal.

Butt stuff. That is correct. Oh, because of the moon. It's like your butt. Shit. I was trying to think like what motions are involved in landing

on the moon. Let's close it out. Sex positions for five. Okay. Sideways T. Sideways T. What is doggy style? Correct!

Wow, I can see you do it. Yeah, you have to actually move your hands. Zoom in and out. I should have just exhausted the sex position. Yeah, obviously. Let's go to the category that I'm pretty excited about. Famous murderers for 100. Okay.

For 100? Okay. Glove did it. I think it was Connor. OJ. Correct! Hell yeah. I don't know shit about murder. And I got some momentum here. I'm gonna go gifts and dates for 100. Gifts and dates

for 100. I feel like this is gonna be a frustrating category. Yeah, it's gonna be like, we're gonna be like, what? Pretty dead plant. I think that was the sign, actually. Flowers. Correct. Hell yeah. Oh, shit.

I thought, that's a date? It's just giving someone gifts. Gift slash date. Oh, okay. Valentine's Day gift slash date. We'll go famous murderers, 200. Famous murderers, 200. Oh, shit. Face tattoo, job resume.

Who's Charles Manson? Correct. Oh, wow. God damn. Goddamn. Famous for three. Princess Dead, fam. Wait, what? Oh, JonBenet Ramsey.

Wait, wait, wait, I'm sorry. Wait, what did you say? Princess Dead, fam. Princess Dead, fam. Oh, who is JonBenet Ramsey's brother? Parent and family, correct. Oh, wow. All right.

I love that one of your famous murderers is an unsolved mystery. Tom has solved it. He's fucking stolt. 400. 400. Dead yum, yum, yum, yum, yum. Jeffrey Dahmer? Correct.

Oh, wow. That's so funny. One of those young ones could have been come, but it's still really good. You know what's a thought I really legitimately had was, does Tom think Willy Wonka and the Chakras are true? Close it out. Famous murderers for five. Killed by white girl magic.

Killed by white girl magic. Killed by white girl magic. Oh, God damn it. So white girl magic, I know, is what you call it. Astrology. Oh, the Zodiac Killer. Correct. Oh, wow. Jesus Christ.

Keith just swept the murder around. I mean, that's my shit. Not really. 100 went to, he got OJ. Oh, that's true. I got the easiest one. Well, that's my shit. Not really. 100 went to... He got OJ. Oh, that's true. I got the easiest one. Yeah. Well, that's why it was 100.

Let's go miscellaneous Valentine's Day for 100 because I don't know what that could possibly mean. Okay. Shoot ya, baby. Who's Cupid? Correct.

Shit. I knew that. I am running the track on this shit. All right. Miscellaneous for two. Let's just get in here. What's that?

Miscellaneous for two. Miscellaneous for 200. Bitch-ass red. Pink. Correct. That's funny. Let's just get in here. What's that? Miscellaneous for two. Miscellaneous for 200. Bitch-ass red. Pink. Correct. That's funny. That's great. That's great.

All right. Miscellaneous Valentine's Day for three. Less underwear underwear. I think that was the song. Lingerie? Correct. Ah, shit. Less underwear.

Fuck, this is a good one. Yeah. This is one of your best, Tom. 400. 400. The Lonely Cockblock. What is a flashlight? Nope.

Worst cowboy movie. What is suicide? No, but that's also accurate. Jerking off? What is the third wheel? Okay. That makes a ton of sense. And then you got the last one.

500. Wreck yourself before you touch yourself. What is jerking off before the date? I know what it is. Autoerotic asphyxiation. What? What is jerking off before the date? I know what it is Autoerotic asphyxiation No What?

Jesus I'm just going to go jerking off in general No What is it? Being single on Valentine's Day Oh, you had to debate it Like it wasn't 100% Let me go to the judges

The judges are also me You're wrong So it goes to us Alright we gotta go 200 For access Sorry Give some dates Not for eating animal

Teddy bear Stuffed animals That is correct Not for eating animal I'm getting all the 100 And 200 ones guys These are gonna add up here Alright 300

Let's just go through Stickball maze hole. What is fucking like whack-a-mole? No. That famous romantic

Valentine's game. Stickball maze hole? Mini golf. Correct! Damn it. Wait, what was it? Stick ball maze hole? Mm-hmm. Mini golf. Correct. Damn it. Also not a great one. It could have also been anal if we're being honest. You've got to navigate it.

I just imagine the inside of a butthole looking like, remember that Windows screensaver that was just at the pipes? Oh, yeah, the pipes. Yeah, yeah. I'm going to say 400, obviously. 400. Staring at old garbage. What is a museum? Correct. Oh, you fuck. I knew it. 400. Staring at old garbage. What is a museum?

Correct. Oh, you fucking knew it. Wow. What? Come on, Asad. We live together. Garbage. I'm bad at this.

All right. 500. 500. Gump tokens. What is dollar bills at the strip club? Nope. What is a box at the strip club? Nope. What is a box of chocolates? Correct!

Oh, shit. Ah, Keith. Oh, goddammit, I love Tom Brady. God, that's a great game. Okay, well, we got the final solution. We got the final solution. So what are the scores right now? All right, so Keith is in first place with $3,300.

I am rounding up the rear with $1,100. No, I'm rounding up the rear. And Hassan's getting fucked in the ass with $800. $800. All right. So here's how we're going to play this. Before you read it, what is the category? The category is food.

Okay. We each write down our wager, and then we write down our guess. All right. Yeah. So read us the – or do we write our bet before we get to the end? We write our bet before. Okay, so here. Well, we can just say it and we'll just go to the end.

Yeah, I'll just write it on my hand. All right. Yeah. Okay, I'll write it on my arm here. Okay. So we've got our bets, Lynn. Yeah. Okay.

All right. So the hint is cock sandwich. And it's a food. It's a food. Okay, you want to give us a little musical bed while we debate this? Stop, stop, stop, stop. Fucking nobody wants to hear that at all. Keith requested it.

Keith was wrong. Okay, all right. I'll sing something else. Pee on. Taintaint Cock sandwich Telephone line Give me your line This is a Valentine's Day food

God damn it I have no idea what this is It may not be Valentine's Wait what? It was a whole Valentine's Oh it's just food in general? Oh okay then I think I know what it is. Give me your love. I'm wishing for twilight.

All right. Oh! All right. Everybody has their guesses in? I do, yeah. I have my guess. All right. What is a burger?

Well, hang on. How much did you guys all wager? Well, you say your guess. You tell us. Okay. All right. What is a burger? How much did you wager? $1,100. Okay're okay all right what is a burger and how much did you wait 1100 okay okay i have what is a hot dog okay and my wager two thousand dollars okay i said uh

mcchicken specifically okay and i said i wagered at 800 okay the correct answer what is a hot dog oh my god because i was thinking buns and i was Because I was thinking buns, and I was like, what is buns? A burger. And I was like, I guess we'll just go burger. I went cock chicken. So obviously hot dog. Always bet on cock, dude. Man.

Well, Tom, you've outdone yourself. Fucking Keith. Keith's destroyed on that one. Yeah, it was 5,300 to zero. I ruined you. What do you think about it that way? That was rough. I ruined you. What do you think about it that way? That was rough. Man, close game, everybody.

Yeah, wow, fucking... That was a fun game. The two winners. Hell yeah. Congratulations, you guys are stupid. Yeah, we like doing... Screw you guys. We like doing this with guests

who've been acclimated to me so that I don't scare them. And also Kyle Kinane for some reason. Watching Kyle Kinane's reaction to this, he's like, fucking, I don't and also Kyle Kinane for some reason Watching Kyle Kinane's reaction to this He's like fucking I don't know man Kung Pao Chicken The hint was Bok bok

Bok bok punch you or some bullshit Oh bok bok pow And Kinane goes Kung Pao Chicken It's the exact moment where he's like And Kinane goes, Kung Pao Chicken? It's the exact moment where he's like, can I pretend my pub was this call? What was the answer? Kung Pao Chicken.

Was it Kung Pao Chicken? He got it right. He seemed bad, but then he was correct. He wasn't happy he got it right, but he got it right. No matter who wins, we lose. That was Tom Tompertine. I won. And the Mean Boys will be right back.

Coming up next, more Mean Boys. We're going to look something, something. More Mean Boys. Hey, guys, I'm here with Mr. Mouth, the spokesman for Don Carlos Taco Shop. What do you think about Don Carlos, Mr. Mouth? Who could care? Don Carlos is the best taco shop in La Jolla, California. Go to eataberrito.com to find out more information about that menu.

You got a lot of different things you can eat there. And you got a free game. Because you don't want to hold up the line. Because it's always packed. Because it's a fucking great place. Full of meat and cheese and hope and wonder. And if you're a vegetarian, they have good vegetables. And maybe an injection to make you not gay.

Wow. Okay. Don't know why we don't get more sponsorship opportunities. But anyway, go to Don Carlos. It's right down the street

from the La Jolla Comedy Store. See yourself at a great comedy show. Eat yourself a great burrito and tell them the Mean Boys sent you. Burritos for straight people. Or gay. Or gay. And the Mean Boys podcast

is back To play a round of our favorite game Which is the following It's not as good as Tom Tomperdy But it's still a pretty fun game But at least we played it a hundred times already God damn it We've played this over a hundred times

Yeah we've played over a hundred games. It started off as just a Harlem Globetrotters thing I did with my high school buddies, and now people from all over the world be like, hey, have you ever heard of these Ninja Turtle episodes? Isn't that pretty cool? I know 16 examples of a dumb thing. Congratulations, you're part of the legacy.

Speaking of which, Harrison Reed writes, Hey you nerds, I have some more nerd shit. Love your show. Signed, Harrison J.R. part of the legacy. Speaking of which, Harrison Reed writes, Hey, you nerds. I have some more nerd shit. Love your show. Signed, Harrison J.R. Thank you, Harrison. This is Witch of the Fallen. He's not a real Dungeons and Dragons monster. Oh.

Ooh. Were you ever in the Indy kid? No. Okay. I look like I was all about it. Why do you say that? You're so much about it. Like, uh, no.

No. Because I look like I'd be all about it. I was busy. Getting pussy. Oh, definitely not that either. I really wanted to, but the guys wouldn't want me to play with them. So I just, yeah. Yeah, I played D&D pretty serious.

But I was like the youngest, lamest kid, so I'd always have to go home early. So I'd come back and everyone's like, yeah, we're level 12 and you're level 6. So you're about to get your shits slapped by a nightwraith or whatever. Speaking of which, I think we forgot the references, but somebody emailed us and said they were doing a D&D campaign with Karnak and a bunch of Mean Boys references in it. Oh, yeah. Yeah, fucking please

keep us posted how that goes. We should do a D&D at some point. We actually absolutely should. So I'll just read that really quick. So this is from

at BGHartCourt. He writes, so I DM for a group of nerds at a local game store every weekend and I scared the shit out of the players and folks and kids

and the staff with the booming arrival of everyone's favorite outer-dimensional war god, Karnak the Bloodfeaster. I started with, Wretched pig children, you dare challenge the might of Karnak! And followed with the, Sub-cunts.

We wrapped the session there for the night, having previously fought through the blind priests of the Sulphur Cave to breathe deep from the noxious fumes from the Cauldron of Prophecy. They traveled to the undead lands of the Spider King. There they hope to find the blade of unfathomable torments in a last-ditch effort to stopping the evil god from entering their home plane

of existence. They failed. Now as foretold by the mad fool Goss of Tomland, the mad titan raised in blood as he has sundered the moon and his armies march towards the palace of Pachy, where the heroes are at the final battle.

Dude, that fucking rules so hard. I know, that's so funny. So anyway, we'll get into this week's game. Round number one. Which of the following is not a real Dungeons & Dragons monster? A, the Umpelby, a race of orange Bigfoots, parentheses, Bigfeet, that attack by shuffling their feet to generate static electricity. They're shock apes?

That's fucking awesome. B, the Modrons, a race of Pyramid with three hands, one eye, and an absurdly small knife. A little Pyramid,

like... I fucking love D&D. That's the thing I've given up for comedy is being able to play role-playing games because I fucking love role-playing games, dude. Star Wars

D20, fucking summer of 2011. Best time of my life. C, the flail snail, an eight-foot-tall snail that has a bunch of flails instead of a head. Or D... Wait, my dick is a character in D&D? Your dick has a fucking shame. No, I'm just calling it the flail snail from now on. The flail snail.

And D, the snouth-boger, a sentient floating nose. Snouth-boger. Ooh, that's not great. The flail snail. And D, the snouth boker, a sentient floating nose. Snouth boker. Oh, that's not real. The snouth boker. Oh, the shock ape is pretty funny. Yeah, this could be any of these. I don't know. I want the pyramid to be real so badly.

The pyramid is too dumb to be fake. I think so, too. And the thing about absurdly small knife is such a specific detail. What was C again? C was the flail snail. That's right. I think the flail snail is the fake one. Tommy Goss, where are you at?

I think it's the orange shock apes. Okay. I think it's also the flail snail. Shock the big flail. But, like, well-crafted rounds. Yeah. I like that we're playing this like this is a serious game. Well, really good misdirection

no there really is sometimes we get them and it's just like alright the three real ones or the retard factory well I gotta go D retard factory that doesn't seem like it would be I gotta figure butt rape junction is not actually a town in Australia most of the time the games are great.

We shit on them. We forget to also say, like, oh, so great game. We're just shitting on them because that's our job right now. Oh, totally. And it is a great game. And if you want to send us a game, Mean Boys Podcast at CheapHill.com is where you go. Or the contact page on MeanBoysPodcast.com. The fake one, D the Snouth Boger.

Oh. I thought that was real because that sounded all German. These guys tricked you. Run number two. See, I thought that was real because that sounded all German. These guys tricked you. Yeah. Run number two. I just wanted that to be real. They all sound exactly how they look, edition. Or they all look exactly how they sound, edition.

A, duck bunny. B, manta ray bit. C. I'm sorry. I'm going to need a spelling on that. R-A-Y-B-B-I-T. Okay. I thought it was manta ray bit.

And I'm like, what does that possibly look like? The dick with wings? That'd be great Bop it Twist it Rape it Manta Rape It's just a

Half Stingray Half Harvey Weinstein When a problem comes along You must rape it If she's wearing a thong I guess She had it coming. You guys get it. Fucking podcast.

It's episode 110. Give us a break. All right, guys, let's be serious. This guy put a lot of work into this game. We should be playing it with all of our... Keep reading. This is such a good writing. You guys see Spider Horse, of course.

Of course, of course. And D, Armadillophant. Tom's body type. Dude, you are an armadillophant, man. You've got this fucking big clomping feet, you know? Everything from like... It could also be Winnie the Pooh. Yeah, I mean, you're armadillophantastic.

I don't know how, but your arms have cankles. Like you... Oh, goddammit have cankles. God damn it. These are good. Can we hear them one more time? Yeah. All right. Duck Bunny, Manta Raybit, Spider Horse, Armadillophant.

Spider Horse. I'm going to say it's Spider Horse. All right. Spider Horse from Keith Carey. I'm going Duck Bunny. The song's going All right. Spider Horse from Keith Carey. I'm going Duck Bunny. Hassan's going Duck Bunny. Tom Goss, what do you think?

See, I think it's either Duck Bunny or Manta Rabbit. Yeah, we'll just call it Manta Rabbit. Yeah, Manta Rabbit. Because Hassan went Duck. I just feel like those two things are the least helpful or the easiest to defeat. So I'm going to go Manta Rabit. And that is how. I switched on you bitches. I switched on you bitches.

Infuriatingly, Tom is correct. All of you. It's Manta Rabit. Oh, no. Dude, I love when Tom wins, man. Suck my Rabit dick. Suck my Manta Rab. Oh, no! Dude, I love when Tom wins, man. Suck my rabit dick. Suck my Manta Ray dick, dick, dick. Round number three.

That is how. That is... Okay, I'm going to just calm down. All right. Round number three. Metal is fuck edition. A. The Atropal. A giant stillborn fetus of a god.

Oh, Jesus. Slayer! Just as effective in combat as a regular stillborn fetus. That's Slayer! That's awesome. That's amazing. A a regular stillborn fetus. Slayer! That's awesome. A fucking aborted god fetus. I love... How have I never thought of that?

Well, we kind of did. B, porcupine cactus, a sentient cactus that explodes when threatened, covering everything in thorns and organs. C, the Yoast, or pronounced Ye-Oust. Oh, I think I did a show there. Oh yeah, at fucking Santa Ana. A bird-headed god that shoots lightning from its hands whenever it throws up devil horns. Or a D.

Like that? Yeah, yeah, just like. Or a C. Or D. The wolf in sheep's clothing. An evil tree stump that uses mind-controlled tentacles to force woodland critters to act as live bait. Which one of those is fake, guys? Damn.

Those are all pretty metal. Whoever wrote the aborted god baby. That's a genius. Aborted god baby. That's such a cool idea because he's not as strong as a god because he was aborted. No, they say it has the same fighting power as an irregular aborted fetus. Well, he's got fingernails. He's already grown fingernails. So that's what the sign outside the encounter said.

I'm going to go stillborn baby. Made of dark stem cells. Yeah. I'm going A just because it's so fucking funny. Yeah. What was that? This pregnancy is going to terminate you. What was the second one again?

Porcupine cactus. And the third one was porcupine cactus. The bird head god with the thunder. I'm going to go with porcupine cactus and the third one was the bird head god with the uh thunder i'm gonna go with porcupine cactus i oh god i think it's also the god fetus i'm gonna go with that one the fake one see the yeow's there's not a bird headed lightning devil horn guy i kind of thought the devil horn felt like a little too cool but i feel like it's some of the it's where well done because it's like he added special pronunciation for it. God, this guy's good.

We didn't see the special pronunciation. I said it. He did. I wrote pronunciation. Multiple times. Yeah. I don't know how you're reading. I mean, you heard the words come out of his mouth.

Yeah, kind of. All right. That's the best we can hope for. Round number four, devil shit edition. A, the Wasmore, an obese demon that can be summoned whenever a player completely ruins a meal and tries to molest them with a barbed ladle. What? Sorry. What?

Rewind that one for a second. The Wasmore, an obese demon that can be summoned whenever a player completely ruins a meal and tries to molest them with a barbed ladle. What do you roll to ruin dinner? You got to roll a flavor check. Yeah, I rolled a four, so I accidentally told my parents I was gay on Thanksgiving. Here comes my life partner, Wasmore, the ladle raper. B, the paluron, a morbidly obese demon with both male and female genitalia and full drag makeup. Nice. C, the Vaporagoo, a bloated pig demon that attacks by farting out evil clouds.

D, Stroke Lad, a named demon character who looks like a child molester with horns, wears old-timey jester clothing, and has a rod with a, quote, blunt bulbous tip. And after every single one of these entries, he's wrote, note, something, something, Keith. I was about to say, I am waiting for the other shoe to drop on this. Well, here's the thing. Three of these are real. You gotta figure out which one of your alter egos is a machination of his mind.

Here are the descriptions on all four again. The meal-ruining ladle rapist. Okay. The hermaphrodite drag queen. The pig guy that farts devil clouds and the jester that molest the jester molester jester molester that's a great album gesture molester I think in pie I think putting your pie I think it's gonna be a stroke land is the fake one okay I think

it's the the second one the one with both genitalia. Alright, Tom. C was the pig that farts clouds. I think it's C. Yeah, I think... A sky scorpion. I gotta go. Yeah, I gotta go fart McGee. Nobody got it. It's the Wasmars.

There's no fucking ladle molesting... In retrospect, of course that one's the fake one. Yeah, that one, yeah. What an incredible set of circumstances that need to come down for you to get molested with a ladle. What game mechanic would allow this, you know? I mean, maybe in 4E, but I mean, not in 3.5. I know some game mechanics that would allow it, I tell you. I do feel the way about, like, Trump supporters feel about America, about, like, Dungeons & Dragons.

They're just like, oh, Obama came in and turned it into a shitty board game. Obama played Detour? No, this was an analogy that was a lot for you, and I forgive you. Round number five, all real or all fake, Tom is swilling from a jug. The listeners need notice that Tom always carries a gigantic, I'm crossing the Mexican border

jug of water that he drinks from, without ever transferring it to a smaller container. Every time you put the jug to your lips, I'm crossing the Mexican border jug of water that he drinks from without ever transferring it to a smaller container. Every time you put the jug to your lips, I'm bummed there's not three X's crudely drawn across it. You know what's great is I found out the corner store, they will refill it with clean water for 35 cents. That thing is a fucking great deal. You know what else is great is we have a sink.

Yeah, with L.A. tap water, which is fucking gross. What do you think their water is? Huh? It's, they have filters and shit. How do you know this? What makes it? Because it's in the, it's right gross. What do you think their water is? They have filters and shit. It's clean water. It's right there. You can see it. It's attached to a Brita thing? Yeah, it's a sink, and it looks

like one of those fancy restaurant things that... Starbucks has the water thing. Have you ever accidentally tried to drink out of your money jug and just swallow a bunch of nickels? No. Not yet. I'm too broke to make that mistake. I feel like I've gotten too confrontational.

Let's all pull it together for the final round. All real or all fake. A. Ert Bund, a set of sentient ropes that only tie up women. That's great. A fucking possessed snidely whiplash device. B. The Jockle Hops, an evil sentient psychic glacier. C evil, sentient, psychic glacier.

C. Elmicon. Dude, fucking nerds are the worst. Elmicon, a fungus that has a gem growing out of its hem. Or D. Hedgeo Atug. An evil Voltron monster formed from hedgehogs. So a bunch of hedgehogs hive mine into a big-ass hedgehog.

First of all, that is adorable. That's kind of cool, yeah. Second of all, when it says hedgehog, I'm just assuming it's a bunch of Ron Jeremy's formed together to make a super Ron Jeremy. Yeah. Third of all, I think these are all fake. Forming together, headline, the loony bin. I think these are all fake

because I think they're not crazy enough. I think he's trying to trick us with how subtle they are. How tame they are, alright. Yeah, I'm going to go all fake, too. I'm going to go all real because I. You know, I'm going to go all real because I'm part of the counterculture.

And you just have to accept me that way. All right, well, Tom's wrong. Those are all fake. You failed me, damn it. Hey, progress loses again. Keep it the same. Keep it the same.

Keep it the same. Keep it the same. All right, guys. Trump 2020, keep it the same. Keep it safe. All right, guys. Trump 2020, keep it the same. Everybody, Harrison Reed, Cracker Jack Game of Witch the following. Well played, dude. Send in your games if you have an idea.

We always love to get them. It's amazing around. Fucking, we'll be right back with your questions, your fucking voicemails. God knows what else in the Mean Boys mailbag. Right after this, a swish. Hi, everyone. smells god knows what else in the mean boys mailbag right after this a swish hi everyone this is mean boys podcast character and phantom of logic tom goss as many of my more sex woke friends may know valentine's day is tomorrow but some of you don't know how to fill your sex hole or how to bury your hip finger in a romantic way. So here's some Tom Goss guides to romance. One, find your target, but in a like not going to get arrested way. I've tried counting all the people in the world, but got tired multiple times. So I can't tell you how many of us there

are, but I know there's more than 40. My point is there's a lot of people out there. So try to find someone that you like for more than just that ass. Hopefully, it's someone who you're connected with. Not with handcuffs, but with feelings. And oh boy, if you're connected to this person with feelings and handcuffs, you already got a bunch to talk about and you probably don't need me. If your person is actually two people because they're some sort of China twin, I have no idea how to help.

I didn't finish circus school, and they don't trust me with the knives, so I had to leave. But good luck with your Hydra check. Step two, asking them out. Typically, I've learned not to do this while driving by people or with random people on the street or while they're doing the dirty with your brother. This is apparently called cat calling. I don't know why it's called that. I've never met a cat who was very talkative, but I don't make the sex rules.

I just follow them. When you're asking out your man or lady, keep it casual. People get all uncomfortable with this stuff, and if you make too big a deal with someone you don't know too good, you're gonna come off rappy. People hate rapists. Keep it cool.

Make it sound fun. But give them an out in case they think you look gross or they don't want to hurt your feelings. If they say no to Valentine's Day and no to casual sex on a Thursday, they're probably not into you. Leave them alone and find a different date. Remember, there's plenty of fish at Ralph's and someone's got to fuck all those fish. Step three, going on the date. If you're planning this, avoid a Chuck E. Cheese or what my ex would call a random Corey. But if you're a Corey kind of guy, make it a Corey adjacent. Remember, there's over 40 people in this world and most dates are

fake as hell. Be you. Let them like the real you. There are plenty of fake people to fall in love with. Be a real one. It only weeds out the people you weren't supposed to be with anyway. If you're a libertarian, be a libertarian. If you're a vegan, be a vegan. If you're a centaur, be a fucking centaur. And please let me ride you on stage at some point. The point is, with over 40 people in this world, there's got to be at least one libertarian vegan centaur lover out there.

So don't settle for some hippogriff horse shit. Also, don't be too bummed out if you're all by yourself on Valentine's Day. Because as you can see from my instructions above, which I call Valentine's Day's three-step instruction guide to other people's genitals, it's a lot of bullshit work where most of the people won't be happy anyway. So if you're by yourself, don't be sad. Just masturbate. I have celebrated most Valentine's Day privately and it feels great besides the

chafing. So that's my Valentine's Day advice. If you happen to be gay and listening to this, stop. And this time you've heard this message, you could have downloaded an app and gotten blown by a filipino man named cambodia so go my friend gay straight bi transgender fluid and fluid gender get out there and get a baby to arch your heart into someone else's penis butter vagina

i still haven't figured out how that that baby does it happy valentine's day don't be a Scrooge McCuck. overlay our heads onto the raptors and opie's uh universal commercial please do that yeah if somebody wants to do that uh fucking yeah i'll send you some stickers like that's hilarious yeah that would rip real hard uh all right uh louis benitez writes which simpsons character are you almost like hmm based off mean boys i'd have to say homer nah you're i'm trying to think who you are on mean boys i'm definitely homer you're more of a psych ward bumblebee man. Yeah, I kind of fuck with that. You're the sea captain where I don't really understand why you function in this universe, but I'm always happy to see you pop up. Yeah, I don't know.

I think I'm kind of like a 15-year-old Lisa Simpson. Yeah, I was going to say that. You got a little sideshow, Bob, to you. Oh, yeah, I do. You have the brain of a genius, but you are kind of constantly walking on rakes. Just making yourself look dumb. Yeah, for sure. I'm trying to think of you.

You're a... Krusty. Oh, Keith is Krusty. Yeah, 100%. You're totally Krusty. Yeah, I don't find that at all. You're a... Martin Prince, for sure.

I like that we all try not to just say Apu. I was trying to hold back. I was like, go say Apu. You're one of the octuplets. Apu is hardworking and industrious. He has a healthy love life. Oh, yeah, that's very true. None of this is a sign.

That's the name of the country you go to. Aren't you glad we didn't let you answer for yourself in any way? Oh, my God, I think I'm Milhouse. You are, oh, God. Oh go to. I'd be a... Aren't you glad we didn't let you answer for yourself in any way? Oh, my God. I think I'm Milhouse. You are... Oh, God. Oh, fuck. Yeah.

I'm totally Milhouse. You are a straight up thrill hoe. Crespo writes, is Tom going to be unable to drink alcohol for the rest of his life or just until his pancreas is completely better? It seems like hell for a man who loves whiskey. I can have one or two beers a year. Okay. Yeah.

So I'm not... Quit, quit, but that's pretty much for the rest of my life. Yeah, that's pretty much quitting. It's one or two. In Chicago, I'm going to be there for my birthday. I plan on having a beer in Chicago for my birthday and then maybe on Christmas, and that's pretty much. Yeah, cut to, hey, if you work in an emergency room in Chicago, get down to the front of the line and we'll give you a sticker. Honestly, yeah, if you work in an emergency room in Chicago, get Tom to the front of the line and we'll give you a sticker. Honestly, yeah. Yeah.

No, I don't know what I'm doing that. But fucking if when I have a date. Your birthday is the 9th. My birthday is the 12th. We're going to be in Chicago for Tom's birthday, Indiana for my birthday. Tickets on sale now. But come and hang out. That's my new Lincoln bio.

Look at YouTube star. I should fucking, yeah. All the Mean Boys fan, I will have my one of two beers a year with all of the Mean Boys fans in Chicago. Oh, that'll be a lot of fun. Yeah. That'd be cool. It should come out.

All right, guys. Ignore my family. People are asking me. Hey, they can buy tickets. Merry fuck kill the original three starter Pokemon. That's not a bad one. Oh. I mean, here's the thing.

Bulbasaur has got some swerve to him. So, like, I'm going to fuck Bulbasaur. Really? Bulbasaur's already, like, bent over. What is Keith if not, like, a fucking Wendy's rapper Bulbasaur? Bulbasaur's got, yeah, he's got thick ass. He's got haunches. I'm a fan of haunches.

So, like, I think, yeah, I think you fuck Bulbasaur. Squirtle's got some booty, too, though. That's fucking tricky. I'm just going to... I mean, here's the thing. You're definitely not fucking Charmander. Charmander is not a fuckable Pokemon. No.

I'm not marrying Charmander because he's going to light the house on fire. I fuck Charmander. He's hot. I think. Oh, shut up. Was that a hot like fire Pokemon joke? Yeah. Okay.

First of all, kill yourself. Okay. I have a theory here. All right. I think. Keith immediately had a lot of strong opinions. This is my favorite fuck, marry, kill of all time. It's a great one, yeah.

You marry Bulbasaur because Bulbasaur grows vegetation, so you have like a food storage. You can basically never have it. You can't eat your wife. I'm trying to get food stamps with the Pokemon universe by eating my husband. No, but you can have Bulbasaur make your garden stronger with his fucking vegetable powers or whatever.

I guess, yeah. Okay. So you have a food source with him. And also, he seems like a good guy. He evolves into a strong thing that can defend a home. Yeah, all right. You fuck Squirtle. Squirtle's wet.

Squirtle, you get it wet. It's lubed up. It's ready to go. Oh, well, then fucking kill yourself, too. Yeah, yeah. What? No, it's a genuine practicality. I'm like, you are damp and ready.

I'm like, you cheap remark that lessened this whole conversation. I'm not doing it as a pun. I'm like, you are damp and ready. I'm like, you cheap remark that lets into this whole conversation. I'm not doing it as a pun. I'm like, this Pokemon is damp and ready for insertion. Like, it's fucking ready to go. And then you kill that fucking fire lizard. Okay. See, I'm almost with... I'm just flipping, too.

I would kill Bulbasaur, even though that little hole in the top seems useful. But I'm killing... You can see the hole on the bottom, champ. But, yeah, I'm killing Bulbasaur. Bulba that little hole in the top seems useful. But I'm killing... You can see the hole on the bottom, champ. But yeah, I'm killing Bulbasaur. Bulbasaur. I'm also fucking Squirtle, because Squirtle, I bet, can

do some crazy oral shit with that squirt gun nonsense. Sloppy toppy, guys. Yeah, and I'm marrying Charmander, because I feel like... My dick used Surf. We'd just be very compatible. We're both very sad dragons that rage and break stuffmander because I feel like... My dick used Surf. We'd just be very compatible. We're both very sad dragons that rage and break stuff occasionally, so I feel like we'd be most compatible. You could fly around on Charizard. I just had a really upsetting visual of Squirtle hearing this conversation,

not wanting to get fucked, but then falling over on his shallity kick. Oh, no. I'm getting mana raid. Let's see. I'm going to kill Bulbasaur because I have no feelings towards Bulbasaur, really. I'm fucking with my husband here. See, I like Bulbasaur more than Squirtle in general, but when it comes to fucking, you got to put your brain where your dick is.

Fuck Charmander because I always thought Charizard was cool, but I couldn't be with a Charizard. I could. My parents would just never let me be. And then I had a Mary Squirtle because that was my original guy in Pokemon Blue. I was like that. We've been through thick and thin.

Charmander was my man. You know what I really love is that Pokemon theoretically come in both genders, but we've all just assumed that it's a gay thing. Gay ass. I'm this is a male. They're all so weird. Gay ass. I'm already fucking a turtle. Why not have it be a male turtle?

I gotta figure the experience is not that much different. I marry Bulbasaur. I fuck Squirtle and I kill Charmander. I'm with Keith on this. I have one follow-up question. Am I the only one who didn't kill Charmander? Yeah. I think you're so stupid. We both killed Bulbasaur.

Oh, okay. You can fuck one Pokemon, any of the Pokemon. Any of the only one who didn't kill Charmander? Yeah. I think you're Charmander. We both killed Bulbasaur. Oh, okay, yeah, yeah. You can fuck one Pokemon, any of the Pokemon, any of the original 150 Pokemon. Who do you fuck? 100% Mr. Mind. This is too funny. Okay, Tom, thoughts?

No, no, no. I'm thinking, I'm thinking. I've got two or three different... I know my answer, and I don't want to see if anybody else gets it. I can give an answer of a Pokemon that's humanoid

that's supposed to be hot, but I'm like that's like a that's a creepier thing to say that you want to fuck Gardevoir it's also not an original 150 oh are we going

original 150 yeah oh the needle queen booty you gotta factor that in needle queen can get it oh see I would go I would go ditto

cause then I can make it any Pokemon oh you son of a bitch I was literally waiting for you guys to all say you wanted to fuck sand rats. You dummies. Yeah, you can fuck Ditto because that way you can fuck any Pokemon you want.

Or a person. I can fuck Sand Gash. Yeah, I got a Ditto and I still made it turn into a gay turtle. Now I can fuck two gay turtles at once. Yeah, Keith wants a Gengar. Actually, I was going to say Gengar, because then I can say I've fucked both a Pokemon and a ghost, and that's just some trippy shit. Tend to be you can have a threesome and be

fucking Kangaskhan. That's a child. That's also pedophilia. That's a child. Yeah, whatever. That's a fucking child. Yeah, the age in Pokemon years or something. Shut up. Get on board. Pokephilia. I'll give her some rare candies until she's old enough. No!

No! Oh, man. That was one of the best questions we ever had. Oh, man. The Penn State gym was always the hardest one to win. Oh, Brock, I'm glad you don't have eyes. You don't want to see what they're doing to Onyx. Gotta silence them all. Pay them off.

Coughing. Coughing. Arbok. Arbok. Arbok. Arbok. Hashtag Mewtwo. Oh, shit.

Alright, guys. Oh my god, we're going to hell. If they ever write a blog about us, I want it to be them trying to transcribe that. Yeah, the medium.com piece about the mean boys are normalizing Pokemon, Ray. Oh, god damn it.

All right, guys. If you guys had a dog in the house, how long do you think it could survive? After that last conversation, not very long. Oh, my God. And not very well. No, yeah. No animal could live here.

I feel like a dog. We've discussed getting a dog a few times. I do think it comes down to, like, somebody's going to leave the gate open, and it's going to get fucking... Water and Power is going to take it, and it's going to be a hostage situation. Someone also tweeted us a picture of them watching a California Water Empower documentary.

Yeah. I don't know if you saw that. You could probably use like an outdoor cat. We got to be able to keep the pants. We have an unofficial outdoor cat. The problem is Opie is super allergic to cats, so he will periodically run outside, call the cat the N-word, and throw a grapefruit at it. Hard R. Hard R.

Oh, yeah. He is hitting that R. And what does – is the cat like, finally? I'm one of them. Well, then the cat calls him the M word, which is really weird. Okay. We got some weird. Some guy sent in some character voicemails.

So let's take a listen here. Hey, this motherfucking shit right here going to those motherfucking mean boys. This is one-legged rock shooter motherfuckers. So I'm over here robbing my white ass old ass neighbor and this motherfucker told me about your podcast so i listen listen to one listen to two until i heard what you motherfuckers said about niggas in walmart motherfuckers that shit ain't funny i'm gonna wait outside your work i'm gonna wait outside where your mama live And my one-legged ass Is gonna put a one-legged ass Over all you motherfuckers

Don't worry I'm coming You gonna know who Rashtu the one-legged motherfucker is Punk ass Mean boys I'm gonna show you what a mean nigga is Tight Definitely a white dude

That is for sure a white man. 100% a white dude. Yeah, I didn't really... I got to listen to these things before I play it. Yeah. Number two, I love that he just sounds like Karl Malone. That was the blackest he could sound, and he just sounded like a country buffoon. Number three, I know that man is not a fan because he thinks we have jobs.

Yeah, that's a good point. And this is an old man. Well, he said he listened to two. I recently discovered your podcast. This is not different enough. I wanted to call in, but my daughter doesn't let me use the telephone much anymore. I feel like this one's going to say the M word, too. She likes to keep me in the dark, locked up a little bit.

You know, you guys make me happy. I'm a very sad man. I don't know how much longer I have but you know you guys make me smile even when my daughter comes home and she you know she beats me a little bit because you know I do get out of line I shouldn't I shouldn't talk back the way she tells me not to but I like to talk back but uh I just want to say you guys do a good job and you know you're providing entertainment for a man like me who was the last two, three years of his life living in a dark room with no Internet.

I'm actually talking on the laptop. If I get caught talking on his laptop, I don't know what's going to happen. My neighbor, I got a black neighbor. His name is Rasudu. I'm not too sure. He's building a shared universe I guess he is but I gotta get

going hey I love you guys and you know thanks for taking my call I have a legit question

that would have been funny if we played in reverse order my legit question was there someone else who called doing a character

as an old person got beat by their... We've had that before, right? I have no idea. I don't know. I think we did. We did, or I fucking dreamed that. So either way, there's no... The important thing is, you're a hack guy who called.

Alright, guys. If someone could tell me, I like to keep track of the dream truths. I think this is a Shortbuzz Murphy. Tom! Oh, is Shortbuzz Murphy called back? I think you might have. Oh, I love Short short bus Murphy. Tom. Oh, short bus Murphy callback? I think you might have. Oh, I love short bus Murphy. You know, I don't know why it is that I need so much validation from a sir Beanpool, a Portly Coxman, and an affable Lummox.

But I keep fucking calling. I love Portly Coxman. This is short bus Murphy. Yeah. You guys. Fuck it. I work with the developmentally. Short bus Murphy drives a short bus.

Okay. Now, theoretically, of course, I can't tell you any of this legally because of violations of HIPAA and whatnot, but theoretically, most people who are developmentally disabled don't have the consent to sex. Obviously. If you're the mental age of a fucking baby, it would be horrifying. Pause. Wait, what? Wait, what?

Okay. Pause. Wait, what? Okay, so he just said, theoretically, most developmentally disbursed, retarded people. I'm sorry, retarded Americans. Most Phoebs are not able to legally consent to sex. However, Vicky, and then we paused because I got real scared of what's about to happen. Oh, man. Short bus Murphy, dude. Don't let us down here, short bus Murphy. I just love that we have a special bus correspondent.

We are calling short bus Murphy at some point. Well, yeah, I mean, you got the war experience, but this guy is live on the front lines every week. God help us. Let's get back into this. Dude, short bus Murphy. Well, we were on the opposite sides of the war, too. Before you even get here, I fucking love you, bro.

The consent is sex. But some people, their families can get them to go through a review board and possibly get their consent reinstated. Whoa. So, theoretically, just imagine. It's like Measure of a Man, that Star Trek episode where they get data, like, fully recognized by Starfleet, but with, like, hey, my thick-headed son can bang. Yeah, yeah, but see, my retard kid has a boner parole appointment. Boner parole. Yeah, I don't know.

I think they take it back away if he fucks a fat girl. It does sound stupid. Yeah. And there would be somebody who lives in a group home. Everybody else around her is watching Sesame Street and coloring and coloring books. But she's got a boyfriend. Maybe, say, somebody who's got, like, a TBI

and he's got fucking tremors like wicked over there shaking like a dog shit in razor blades. Anyhow, what would happen is her house staff, theoretically, of course, this never happened, or if it did, I don't know anything about it. Theoretically, they would put her in a van, bring her over to the boyfriend's house, put her on a Hoyer lift, one of these things that lifts him up,

lay her on his bed, strip her naked, leave her in there, go out in the living room, tap the guy on the shoulder, say, you're up, buddy. And then while the guy goes in, does his business, you know, they're sitting in the living room watching fucking Judge of Duty playing on their fucking phone, whatever. And then he finishes up,

and you gotta imagine, this guy's shaking so much, this fucking load looks like latte foam. He comes clicking out, and he fucking taps him on the shoulder, says, you're up. And then somebody who's getting paid, and not well, mind you, would have to go in and fucking clean up his hot load out of this chick,

fucking get her dressed again, pick her up, and drive her home. That's something that somebody does every single day somewhere, somehow, supposedly. Don't ask me. I don't know. I don't fucking do it. I've just heard these things.

Moral of the story, women don't get paid enough. Anyway, thanks, guys. Whoa! Good God. What was that? I don't know if you, like, I want to make it very clear. Can I change my answer about which Pokemon? I want to make it very clear. Can I change my answer about which Pokemon? I want to make it very clear.

I choose you, Slowpoke. How fucking... Oh, it was a fast poke. I don't know if you heard the latte foam comment. How fucking upset everybody was by that. Oh, my God. Okay, hang on. We need to...

First of all, he weirdly slipped in, I think, an Alkaline Trio reference, the dog shitting razor blades line. But let's get – okay, hang on. So like that was her boyfriend who was – I guess, yeah. She had a boyfriend. Legally. If they can get consent and stay –

Then here's the thing. They go like harness her up on the bed so he can go fuck her. It sounds bad. Like every element of it sounds bad. But also like if these two people are – If she's stoking. They want to fuck. Yeah, they want to fuck.

Let them fuck. the people yeah i mean i fucked people in like situations that sound just as awful if not worse okay let me rephrase that yeah i mean like the use of like the harness is making it sound bad and like yeah you're just dumping a hot load and it's like yeah but if you're getting a consensual hot load dumped on you good for you if they can have an olympics they can take a load. I'm sorry. Oh my goodness. She went through a review board. Spoil the beans on iTunes, guys.

The one guy, but the fact that people just line up, watch, judge like that. They're going to have supervision in the house. Only one person. No. That's what he's saying. He's saying one person. The guy brings her in. That's what he's saying. Yeah, that's what he's saying. That's what he's saying. He's saying one person... Yeah, so the guy brings her in, like her caretaker or whatever.

Yeah. Harnesses her up. Then he goes to watch the other people in the house and taps the boyfriend. The boyfriend goes in and fucks her. Then when the boyfriend leaves, taps the guy to go back in, clean her up, and get her out of there. Oh, that... Only one person fucked her. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, that... Yeah, no. At first, I thought it was going that direction person fucked her. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

At first I thought it was going that direction too. That's why I had to stop it. And then again, I guess Davey can consent and you want to roll the dice. It's so weird to hear about that you never would think about this and then you hear about it and you're like, oh good, I successfully avoided not thinking about that. It's just such a weird...

Imagine if you had to have someone like, someone help you fuck. Like, that's, I'm sorry. I mean, good for her getting it, though. Yeah, I mean, I guess it's cool. Yeah, that's good. This is a delicate situation. Man. It's one of those things where even if she's totally able to consent and, like, is super into it, I still don't like it.

Well, it's just, like, how good is that? I don't know. I just didn't expect to be actually upset a little bit on mean boys i was like i was like i can handle everything here periodically we'll get voicemails that stop being fun and become a weird confession of a semi-crime yeah i have to listen again to really form an opinion which i'm not gonna do yeah i i wasn't expecting a moral dilemma to be just dropped in our lap she consented she went to the government board or whatever and got her okay to bone. If it's what you're saying it is. Her bone passed.

Her ass port. I was trying to do a passport one. No, if it's what you're saying, then I don't, yeah, I don't, I mean, people want to fuck. Yeah, I mean, assuming this is all on the level, she fucked this week and I didn't. So, I mean, she to fuck. Yeah. I mean, assuming this is all on the level, she fucked this week and I didn't. So, I mean, she's winning. Yeah. Props to Keith for fucking carrying the last few minutes of this conversation. I got you, baby.

I'm very uncomfortable. So am I. Yeah, this is weird. Yeah. Hey, let's talk about anything else. Do we have anything else in the mailbag? We do. Yeah, I guess.

Are we sure we want to tip it? Do we want to cut our losses and end this thing? Can we follow that? I mean, I don't know. I think we maybe just wrap this one and save these for next week. Yeah, that sounds good. Yeah, that is the end of this episode. Holy shit, you guys.

What a fucking rollercoaster. What a motion. What a fun one that was. Anything to plug, gang? Yeah, that girl. Spoil the beans. iTunes. Listen to it.

Yeah, check it out. All right, guys. February 23rd and 24th headlining comedy off main street in glendale arizona i'm going up to norcal uh february 27th through uh march 2nd that'll be fun and of course the big bad mean boys tour coming in april we're hitting milwaukee chicago fort wayne indiana detroit cleveland pittsburgh washington dc philly and new york city ticket links for all of those shows are live right now. If they're not live in your town, get on the email list.

You'll be the first to know. People are already buying tickets. We're playing small venues. So get them before they sell out. Yeah, like genuinely, please buy the tickets now just so we don't have to live in constant fear if anybody's going to show up to these things. Yeah, people are. It's fucking cool, man.

Give us a little peace of mind. Yeah, tweet us if you do. Let us know. Yeah, for sure. Tommy, anything else you want to put? Yeah, you know what? If you're going to come to a show... Here's a government helicopter flying over us.

Oh, they found out how we do it. Take them out, Greg. Rest of February, I'll be at Fanatics at Mara Vista. I'll be at the Hollywood Improv Lab. Please come to that. And then I will be the very best... You want to give them a date, champ? Oh, fuck.

Yeah. Sorry. The first day was the 16th. Then the 18th, the 21st, I'll be at Ozzy's in Fountain Valley. And I'll plug the rest of my shit later. So, yeah. Nice. Not on my phone, but I'm all over LA.

Oh, I'll be at the UCB February 17th at midnight doing Tournament of Nerds again. That's all. So come check that out. But really, Mean Boys Tour is the whole thing. Get your tickets. Come hang out at these shows. There are going to be a lot of fun. We'll fucking hang out a fun show. So come check that out. But really, Mean Boys Tour is the whole thing. Get your tickets. Come hang out at these shows. They're going to be a lot of fun. We'll fucking hang out.

Spray paint your shirts. Yeah, we already have some fun surprises planned that we were talking about last night. Yeah, yeah. We have some more stuff in the works. So please come check them out. Oh, and the newly minted commercial star, Opie, will be joining us in D.C. Oh, yeah, that's right. Oh, fuck you.

We'll be there. Yeah, he'll be there for the show. And Ramsey might be there in Chicago. So you might get some fun cameos from some of your favorite Mean Boys characters. Cool. They are characters. We just do an OP voice. But I got to transport the puppet and get it chipped out there.

Yeah, makes sense. Makes sense. All right. That's our show this week, guys. Thank you. Fuck everything. God is dead. We'll see you next time.