Mean Boys - EP 114 - Dick Africa (feat. Nat Baimel)

Episode Date: March 6, 2018

We're going on tour, come see us! Most ticket links are live, if they're not, jump on our email list: http://meanboyspodcast.com Support the show on Patreon: www.patreon.com/meanboys This week’s segments include “Mexican Joke Off”, "Nice or Mean?", and a game of "Which of the Following" with dirty scientific terms by Dark Homonculus. Buy Nat's Album: https://itunes.apple.com/us/album/be-nice/1338881541 Fuck with the new Mean Boys subreddit: www.reddit.com/r/meanboys/ Subscribe to our YouTube channel: www.youtube.com/channel/UC0hvkj7TOPzMdJbKIh1L_hw Shop Sudio headphones and use promo code "MEANBOYS" for 15% off all purchases: goo.gl/JWBAJK Contribute to the Mean Boys wiki: mean-boys.wikia.com/wiki/Mean_Boys_Wiki Send us an email at [e-mail] or leave us a voicemail at [phone] We are proudly sponsored by Don Carlo's Taco Shop in La Jolla California (www.eataburrito.com) Follow our guest Nat Baimel on Twitter: twitter.com/natbaimel Follow the show on Twitter: twitter.com/meanboyspodcast Follow Keith on Twitter: twitter.com/keithtellsjokes Follow Connor on Twitter: twitter.com/connormcspadden Follow Tom on Twitter: twitter.com/gossgoss6 Visit us on the web: www.meanboyspodcast.com Like us on Facebook: www.facebook.com/meanboyspodcast Follow us on Instagram: instagram.com/meanboyspodcast Follow us on Soundcloud: @meanboyspodcast Theme: I’ve Seen Footage by Death Grips (itunes.apple.com/us/album/the-mon…tore/id515449028) Buy Keith’s album (itunes.apple.com/us/album/forever-nap/id1105182043) Podcast logo by Luis Galvez: twitter.com/luiagal Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

This episode is brought to you by DAZN. For the first time ever, the 32 best soccer clubs from across the world are coming together to decide who the undisputed champions of the world are in the FIFA Club World Cup. The world's best players, Messi, Haaland, Kane, and more are all taking part. And you can watch every match for free on DAZN, starting on June 14th and running until July 13th. Sign up now at DAZN.com

slash FIFA. That's DAZN.com slash FIFA. Hey kids, it's Connor, Keith, and Tom from Mean Boys. Hey everybody. Got a great episode for you this week with Nat Baymel returning to the studio to promote his new album, Be Nice, available now wherever comedy albums are streamed

for very few pennies at a time or sold for somehow even fewer yeah we're obligated to tell you to buy it on itunes but realistically listen to it on spotify yeah give give nat a micro shekel yeah give him three thousandths of a penny that's i found out that's what i get paid per listen on spotify for my album oh really yeah yeah go fucking go hook him up man just go just boil his life's work down to a microrotransaction. This is the world we live in. And as always, please leave us a review on iTunes. This would be the point in the show where I had the iTunes reviews pulled up.

But I don't know. They're out there. And importantly, if you get to 250, once we get to 250 reviews, soup time. I've got to try soup for the first time. We are currently accepting votes for any kind of soup. Leave your comments. This is going to be a whole production when we get to 250. Yeah.

And we're getting upsettingly close. Yeah. I mean, nothing has moved the needle on the whole review front more than the threat of me having to just like painedly consume savory liquid. More than you having to do something most people pay to do. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you know what? I hate you all. And you're dead to me. So go. most people pay to do. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you know what? I hate you all, and you're dead to me.

Pour soup into his mouth. So go do that. It only takes a second. You assholes that followed Connor's idea here. You guys, I'm trying to vamp if you could do anything. Tell them about the Patreon, Keith. Patreon.com slash meanboys. Get up on this thing.

Help support our evil works. $5 a month to Get your bonus content. We have, what, like 35 bonus episodes now? Something like that, yeah. Oh, God, it's up to 206. Oh, you're so fucked. Yeah, get on that with the bonus content. It's always really fun.

Much less structured than the regular show. You get to hear a little behind-the-scenes activity, a lot of fun stuff. We have the Carnock pilot is up there, the live reading we did. And for $10 a month, get yourself some sweet swag delivered to your door every single month. Stickers, buttons, beer koozies, all kinds of random

shit that we're putting out there. I think for this month, we're going to do a button pack with all our faces on it, done like dictators, so that'll be fun. Enjoy that problematic worse. All right. Jay Goats, Goettes, whatever the fuck, writes, clam chowder or something else creamy and gross. Great podcast to listen to if you hate yourself or hate your life

five stars so thank you for that review thank you for the crushing uh crushing nihilism and the suggestion of chatter also speaking of the patreon once we get to 2 000 bucks a month doing another snark week you guys seven podcasts seven bonus episodes seven days and we we like we all realized it had to be the next goal and made this really sad face like we know what must be done but we do not want to do it it's the it's the beaches at normandy of yeah it was really it was real the oppenheimer fucking situation yeah yeah i am become snark harbinger of doom oh dude i'm just gonna be fucking dead eyed staring at sony acid six just like god i don't know i don't know i can't make

a sound that sounds like a goose getting raped. I don't know how to edit this sketch. But other than that, keep telling your friends about the show. We're going on tour. In April, you bitch. Tell them about those cities, Tom. Tom knows the cities better than anybody. Go.

Yeah, man. We're going to Milwaukee, Fort Wayne, Indiana, Chicago, Detroit, Cleveland, Pittsburgh, Philadelphia, D.C., and New York City. He got them all. He did them, man. Hell yeah, dude. Most of those tickets are live right now on MeanBoysPodcast.com. Go snap them up, and if they're not live in your city, hop on the email list at the bottom of the page, and we'll send you guys a notification.

You'll be the first to know. We've said it before, and we'll say it again. If you live in Pittsburgh and have a bar or a backyard that you're cool with us using, hit us the fuck up. Yeah, Pittsburgh. I keep getting the most tweets about when's the Pittsburgh shit going. Well, everyone's dicking us around. Yeah, let's get Tim going, Pittsburgh.

But everyone else, yeah, get on the email list. This may be your only opportunity for us to do a show in your studio apartment. We can sell out an apartment. I feel mildly confident in that. Yeah, we can create... Here's how good the show will be. The landlord's going to say something. He's not saying nothing.

Yeah, book us and we'll get all your toiletry stolen. By us. All right. Well, that's the intro. Here's the show. Enjoy this week's episode. One quick note. We had a busy weekend.

We weren't able to get sketches on this one. So apologies, but still enjoy. Yeah, sorry guys. Sorry we're so cool. Hey everybody, welcome to the Mean Boys Podcast. When you're here, your family's dead. I'm Connor McSpadden. I'm Keith Carey. I'm Nat Bamel.

And I'm... Mad Big Max. Oh, I forgot Nat ran this by me in Arizona this weekend. He awoke from a cold sleep just like, has anyone ever called Tom Mac... Mad Big Max? I referred to him once as Mad Max McFlurry Road when he had the pink mohawk.

That's so much better. That's Mad Max. He doesn't go by Mad Max in the movies. I like that you're getting nitpicky about it. That's what's wrong with that. That's what hurt my feelings.

His name's like... It's not Dengar, but it's someone with a D that's what hurt my feelings. I forget the name of the dude. His name's like, it's like not Dengar, but it's like someone with a D that sounds like Dengar. Dengar? The guy with the mohawk that he fights? Oh,

yeah. I gotta look up his name because that's gonna bug me. Anyway, I thought Dengar was the guy who saved Boba Fett from the Sarlacc pit. I don't think Dengar

pulled him out, did he? I don't know that much about extended lore. I don't either. This can't possibly be the way we want to start this podcast. Oh, his name's Wes. Wes.

Yeah, yeah. You know, almost Dengar. Yeah, you know what? It's in the same kind of sonic family as Dengar, where it evokes the same emotion, you know? No. No, you're covering for some bullshit. No, I'm with Connor on this. I'm not really that embarrassed of getting it wrong.

First of all, nobody gives a a shit and this is terrible radio but uh second of all i mean you know you think dangar you think wes and it kind of does it kind of occupies the same space in your brain insignificant yeah there's some similar letters in there well we're all fired up yeah yeah let this sink in tom is agreeing with you nap i'm l is here everybody hey dad has a new album out i sure do it's called be nice and it's available everywhere yeah okay it hit a number one on amazon it hit a number slightly better than weird al on itunes yeah it sure did it sounds so nice right take that my hero and influence in life i'm excited to listen to it yeah yeah thank you i really have approval i appreciate it yeah we're not i'm sorry I was trying to amp up your album.

We're not good at this professional, like, whoa, you got a new project to promote thing. You know, we never really do that. It always comes across very forced. Yeah, so, Nat, I noticed you noticed that women be shopping. Welcome back to Comics Unleashed with the Mean Boys. Hey, Nat, I noticed you're a dumb gay lord. All right, that's better.

Where can we check that out? I just really... See, dumb gay lord kind of sounds like Dango. Yeah. Yeah, I just realized I'm bad at accepting compliments, and I went on a podcast where you guys are bad at giving compliments, so I figured, oh, this will be great. Well, thanks for coming to the Awkward First Date Podcast.

We know he's having a good time. Have you gotten any hate mail from me yet? Not yet, but I doubt my fingers crossed. Okay. Oh, it's coming. Tell the listeners about the Reddit conspiracies about you, because I just found out about these, and I'm pretty pleased with them. It's my favorite thing in the world. So every so often I'll post a joke on stand-up shots on Reddit, and it'll get a lot of attention.

Sometimes it'll get to the front page. And there'll be a subset of people who are like, how could anybody like this trash? He must be buying up votes somehow. And that was the conspiracy for a very long time. And other people would come out and be like, why though? Why would we possibly do this? And so now the new conspiracy is that some corporations are actually buying up votes on my behalf to push my brand of humor to the masses. And the fact that anyone thinks that Nat is funny enough to change anybody's mind politically is lunacy.

I know you're trying to hurt my feelings, but I fully agree with you on that. Well, yeah. I mean, I like that the liberal fucking Zog machine is like, all right, how are we going to get through to these kids? Long-form stand-up memes. It's the only way. Yeah, that sympathetic take he has on pedophiles. Actually, oh, wait. That would coincide with their beliefs on Democrats now that I think about it. Yeah, that sympathetic take he has on pedophiles. Actually, oh wait, that would

coincide with their beliefs on Democrats, now that I think about it. Oh, shit. Nat did Pizzagate, is what we're learning here. Basically. I just did it for the pizza. The pedophiles bought us. Nat did gluten-free Pizzagate. I like pizza. I'm confused by gates. Yeah, I locked myself

into the house. Well, actually, that was you guys. I've done that, too. I tweeted all those texts when they happened. That was one of the funniest things that ever happened. Tom was like, I'm stuck. And I'm just like, where? What happened?

He's like, inside the house. And he's like, yeah, I tried to jump the fence, but I forgot my shoes in my car, which were also outside the house. See, I was just picturing you with your head stuck in between a fence trying to eat a pizza. Yeah, can somebody butter my skull? I gotta get out of here. Do you guys have a guy at your school that wanted to be a bully, but he just didn't have the swag? So he was just completely unlovable by everybody? Yeah.

Yeah, we had a dude like that. I went to my middle school who one day got his head stuck in a fence. It's like the fence that you walk past on your way back to go to all the classrooms. So for like 20 minutes while a noon aid like buttered his head, the people just walked past this guy the way back from class. We're just like, fucking whatever, guys, I dropped something. Was he still trying to bully like, yo, give me your lunch money, please. No, he just always kind of tried to assert dominance. So you walk up and be like, you're fat and you're ugly and stupid. And we just be like, yo, give me your lunch money, please. No, he would just always kind of try to assert dominance. He'd walk up and be like,

you're fat and you're ugly and stupid. And we'd just be like, go away. It just didn't even hurt. Oh, man. That sucks. I would have people try to bully me in middle school, but I would just be really awkward and weird to the point where they're like, well, this is no fun and leave.

So I was un-bullyable because I was so bullyable. Yeah, you just lean into it, and it's like, oh, what can we do to him? Yeah. We're just sad now. You can't destroy the broken. Punching milk. The kid on the special bus, and he always tried to molest

everybody. But he wasn't cool. Yeah, I didn't think he was the Fonzie of like, tard grabbers. This guy's got like a leather jacket and shit, you know, and then the fucking speaking spell doesn't work, so he just hits it and all of a sudden...

Well, you know what retarded Fonzie says? B! Instead of A. Why B? Because he says A. It's the wrong letter. Oh, okay. Get it.

I liked it. All right, well, well gang we're all fired oh god let's get into the fucking mexican joke off he was also mexican who the fonts no no the the oh the oh yeah is this him when you've told me about yes this is all that'd be weird if there were more than one. This is all Jose. Everyone else, there was like two other names, and then there were like five Toms or variations of it on the bus. I would like to see the data on the specialist name.

Like what name is held by the majority of special Americans? It was Tom in that area okay let's how there's no way to google this that is not a hate crime I'm looking up most common special needs name I can't wait for that to all a autofill when you're typing it in like oh I'm not the first nor will I be the last because I because I found out like like Connor is one of the most common names for white people in California yeah but I'm just like it like, there's no date on this. Come on, guys.

This is the kind of research I need. Because Tom, I mean, no offense, it seems like a pretty good name for a special kid. Yeah, well, they don't usually know that they're special when they name them. I'm going to go take a little more politically incorrect Google search to see if that gets me anywhere. I'm not getting anything, man. This is like when you go to a drug deal and you're like, hey, do you have any sugar?

And they're like, we don't know what you're talking about. So you have to get less and less subtle with each question. Do you have any crack cocaine, please? Oh, okay. We thought you wanted sugar. Yeah, whenever I Google something, it's like I'm trying to be cool. Of course, like five variations of Tom, Tommy, or Thomas.

Brandon, Jose, and Igor. That's unfortunate. Poor Igor. Can you be in special ed for having a humpback? That kid was born Steven, and then when they saw the writing on the wall, they're like, let's go ahead and redraft the birth certificate. No, I mean, he was Russian, but

his Russian-ness did not outweigh his special-ness. He was Igor. Yeah. Russian headfirst into walls is what he was doing. I mean, I got it by race, but I mean... What? Race of specials? Well, yeah, the 100 meter

parenthesis is very slow. That's the race I'm looking for here, yeah, there's the 100 meter. Parentheses very slow. That's the race I'm looking for here. No, I can't find it by brain power. I don't know what you say. What need would there be for this data to exist? My amusement? I don't know. I got to figure somebody's fucking crunched the numbers.

Because, I mean, yeah, I guess if you don't most of the time know if they're special before they pop out you know it might sometimes it takes a while to like diagnose them if so but if you do know do you specifically give them a more specially name yeah i mean i feel like i would like you might be just a bet well we were gonna name him paul but now that we know everything we know i guess his name's gonna be dumb dumb mcshit pants no no like i've always liked the name finnegan for a boy. But if I found out I was gonna have a special boy, I'm not making him say that. Don't you dare name him anything

but Finnegan. If they're saying words wrong because they're not super bright and you give him Finnegan, you're setting him up for some fun mistakes. That's exactly what I'm saying. I'd be mean. I'd give him something like Jack. Yeah, my name is Bart N. Worth.

Oh, Jesus Christ. You guys have no idea how much light went into Connor's eyes when Keith said that. No one could be mad at him if he said it, though. I mean, I bet they'd find a way. I mean, they could be bad at me, but, I mean, how mad are you going to be at me? I'm a hero. I have a special son. You reacted in your face

like he just said that they're not canceling Dryden Ball Super. They're not canceling it. It makes too much money. I think they're just going on a brief hiatus, according to my conspiracy theories I've been reading on Reddit. What's Dragon Ball Medusa? Well, the number one special name in this room is Connor.

You guys, I'm way smarter than all of you. Except for maybe Nat. Me and Nat are probably pretty close. I'm super smart. You're smart, but I'm smart in a more, I think, practical way. We're neck and neck. Show your work. Explain yourself.

Keith one time tried to clean up dirt on my back patio by pouring water on it. Because he's like, well, I see him use the hose to move the dirt, so I thought I could wet the dirt and sweep it more easily. No, this was a completely... This was a very Christopher N-word type of maneuver here. This was very, very dumb. Let me explain my logic. I was like, okay, if I

throw the water at the dirt, the pressure will take the dirt over there. What if you've thrown anything hard enough to move anything? It's like the house is on fire. Let me set this stick on fire so I can take the dirt over there. What have you thrown anything hard enough to move anything? It's like the house is on fire. Let me set this stick on fire so I can take the fire outside of the house one piece at a time. Yeah, yeah. That's pretty much what it was.

You're trying to bail out a ship water. All right. Fair point. Fuck both of you. I'm smarter than you. All right. Finnegan might even be smarter than you. I mean, he's very good with his blocks.

Anyway, so some topical jokes here. Just let him have it. God damn it. What top is the voice of reason? Just saying. I'm definitely the smartest one on the podcast. We need to have some sort of intelligence off. All right.

We'll do an IQ test. That'd be fun. I would adore being privy to this in any shape or form. Either bonus content or next week, we're all taking an IQ test. We've talked about doing this for a while. Let's do it. I think it would be fun. Yeah. Because Tom is either 87 or 187.

Yeah, Tom is one way or another going to be the extreme of this fucking guy. There's no way Tom gets like a 106. I think I took out like 130-something when I took it when I was in high school. Okay. Yeah, I was in the 130s, too. That sounds right. I don't totally remember. It's been a while. I don't know how to study

for an IQ test. No, Keith. I know. Shut up. It was a joke. It's like an IQ test. You know when you prick your finger and the little machine tells you how smart you are? Alright, guys. A Pittsburgh man who had sex with his dog is facing 10 counts of animal cruelty

from the state of Pennsylvania and 4 counts of plagiarism from the Mean Boys podcast. Hey, Nat, have you ever heard the story about Keith fucking a dog? I'm so fucking over it. My favorite part of this. Wait, you fucked a dog, Keith? No, I did not fuck a dog. Well, would you care to elaborate? I don't think Nat's heard the story.

No. My favorite part is Keith goes, oh, this is like 30 minutes ago. So you're telling me there's listeners that may be tuning in for the first time, and you don't care if they get the story. They'll just go spread rumors. You know what? They can dig through the back catalog and go as far back as the last episode and find out this story.

Tom, have you ever? 30 minutes ago, Keith goes, I saw a dog fucking story, and I was like, oh, can't cover this anymore. And Connor goes, huh, I'm so bummed I didn't see that. I went inside and Googled it. Yeah. Well, I just want my Google News

alerts are failing me. A Miami father murdered his infant son after losing a game of Call of Duty. Authorities say the murder was bad enough, and the guy didn't have to teabag the baby and call it the N-word. Hell yeah. Killstreak. Many Republicans are enraged that

Ivanka Trump is being compared to Kim Jong-un's sister at the Olympics. And I also think it's ridiculous. They're so different. Ivanka isn't even Korean. Damn it. Can this count as the IQ test? Okay.

A Texas woman defecated in her pants to hide drugs during an arrest. When reached for comment, Sheriff Stephan Tom's eventual punchline dice play said, I hope you weren't planning on using this joke crutch again. Oh. Oh! Oh, like I'm the only one who uses that stupid vehicle. That was three levels of meta-commentary. In a related story, a blind mystic who predicted 9-11 and ISIS said that in 2018 we'll discover a new source of energy on Venus.

Biological realist Dice Clay responded, That's where women are from, so I highly doubt it. The bad at science. Oh! Actor Brendan Fraser gave an interview where he admitted to being sexually assaulted. Responded Variety reporter Dice Clay, more like finger blast from the past.

Finish the loop tub. I don't have one. Come on, man. I don't have one. Come on, man. I don't think I've... I didn't even have that one. I just made it work. I don't think I've gotten more obscure than biological realist. That's pretty good.

Jordan Peterson fan, Dice Clay. Hey, look at the lobsters. Oh! A French Instagram model died when a whipped cream dispenser exploded while she was using it. Apparently, she was making Sunday, bloody Sundays. Is that even a French song? What? Is that?

I don't know what that song is. It's a YouTube song. It has nothing to do with French. It has nothing to do with French. She just happened to be French. It was the ice cream. The whipped cream, that means she was doing Whippets.

Yes. Yeah, whipped cream charges are Whippets. That's how you buy them. It's like how poppers are VCR cleaner. I think in the article she said she was making... I feel like they would have said if she was using it that way, though.

They didn't say. Which probably lied. Well, yeah, they might also not want to. That's also, maybe they can't like put on blast like how to fucking get all gacked up on like pastry drugs.

Yeah, maybe. I don't know if they can put that in the Guardian or whatever. Yeah, well, it was a French, it was a French, it was like an off-brand whipped cream dispenser.

Now the family is like, this whipped cream dispenser is constantly. Well, if it's off-brand, it's definitely Whip It. If you're famous, you're going to buy good whipped cream. She wasn't famous. She was on Instagram. She's probably more famous than us. I'd say we were famous.

We also like whipped cream. We're all alive and we also enjoy dessert. Now we just race to eat her brain and absorb the politics. Should I have done a whip it real good punchline? What do you want from me? I don't know. Tom, I'm just investigating here. I am also investigating.

I'm just trying to fit in, guys. I'm not investigating. A Wisconsin woman was charged with murdering three infants over 30 years ago. In her confession, she stated, I got something to say. I killed three babies that day. And it doesn't matter much to me as long as I'm a joke. Sweet, lovely Tom.

All right. Tom just has no idea what just happened. I'm guessing this is a dancing thing. Yeah. As soon as we start singing and Tom doesn't know what's going on, he's like, oh, they're doing dancing stuff again. If we sound like Elvis and you're confused, it's a dancing thing. All right, guys. A woman is suing the state of California because they refuse to acknowledge the existence of Bigfoot.

She's joined a class action lawsuit with Tom Goss against the Van Damme Academy. Sorry, Tom. How dare you? I don't know. It seems like today we all keep forgetting we have to speak to make a podcast happen. Yeah, dude, I'm straight up fucking done with being awake. I could tell because I said, oh, I haven't seen Connor in four days. What's up, dude?

And you're like, eh. I was like, okay. I like Connor. And you're like, how was Arizona? I just went, sucked. And I put my headphones back on. A transgendered Texas teen was booed after winning a wrestling championship.

This marks the first time in the sports history anybody's cared what kind of hormones a wrestler was shooting up. I love that joke i didn't laugh at it but i love it oh that's oh because they do like uh they do like steroids and stuff yeah okay yeah and usually they're just like yeah destroy your body for my music yeah it was more it was a new yorker keith moment for sure it was it's such a weird because it's like this it's a girl it's a dude who's born a girl who's like in this thing yeah and he he's like okay i'm like i'm

on the testosterone i want to go wrestle boys and texas is like no you gotta wrestle girls so now he's just fucking laying waste to these girls and it's just like oh man how come he's winning it's like i'm a dude give me the fuck out of here yeah you know that's it he's won two years in a row well and the no it was he now it's a he i know i thought it was it was no no no no it was he's born a girl he was born a woman and he's transitioning into a man. I'm 100 percent right. Believe me. No, because the original version of this joke, I thought it was the other way and it was a much more offensive joke.

But it didn't work this way. But the pictures are great because it's just this clearly a dude choking a teenage girl and just looking like, I'm sorry. I don't know what to do. I feel so bad for this kid. Man, I feel bad for the guy who's got to wrestle, like the trans woman who's become a man and just gets his ass kicked. Because progress is great, but that's just a tough thing to come home to the locker with. The rest of the wrestling team is just in the locker room like, look, we have to come up with a word beyond faggot. We're going to have a meeting about it with the school board this weekend. We'll let you know what we figure out on Monday.

Did you see Ronda Rousey choke slam somebody in WWE or whatever? No, but that's awesome. I guess, yeah, that to me says beginning of the end for professional fighting career. Oh, yeah. Yeah, it's like if you need that WWE check, shit's not going great. Well, she hasn't fought in forever. Well, yeah, because she got fucking knocked the shit out.

Yeah, and then you're like, oh, now that I'm not winning, I don't want to do this anymore. So here's the career path. It's a MMA fighter becomes wrestler. Wrestler becomes stand-up comedian. That's essentially what it does.

It's stand-up or porn star. It's one of those. Or both sometimes. Yeah, dude. Either way, you're going to see Ronda Rousey suck for 10 minutes. You guys, because we have hit 200 iTunes reviews, this is now an MMA podcast, officially.

Eddie Bravo will be appearing every week. I still only vaguely know who that is. All right. Speaking of large goon, go. All right. A Nebraska man was... Oh, shit. Got four words in.

You got nine letters into that joke before it lost the wheels. Try again. Take a breath. Clank your feet. Yeah, shit. Got four words in. Got nine letters into that joke before it lost the wheels. Try again. Take a breath. Clank your feet. Yeah, Nebraska. You guys know about Nebraska. A Nebraska man was arrested for masturbating in a Burger King. He is being charged with excessively having it his way.

Oh, the special order does upset us. Nice. Oh, no. order does upset us. Nice. Oh, no, the slopper. Yeah, you ordered a Whopper, but this is ridiculous. I put my own seed on the bun. Oh, points. Whopper, that's that Italian burger, right? I hardly know her.

Sir. You remember when Tom, that was his big thing was i hardly know her don't remind him oh no i never forgot that was i just save it for a rainy day of all the like like anti-joke of the month that was probably the worst as much as i hate like i'll be like tom can you move your car and be like no but i can I can move it. That one bugs me. But yeah, I hardly know her. It was definitely the worst. And you should be hurt because of your complicity in it.

Complicity? Complicity? I hardly know her. King of the IQ challenge, Complicity McSpadden. I could literally hear you going through your head alphabetically. Okay, what has more than three syllables? I think compli...

Compliscency is for sure not a word. I mean, you know what it would be if it was, though. But it's not. Some would say you've got to be smarter to be able to make up words on the fly. Yeah, other would say you're a fucking tard. Oh, like I've never done that. That's all I do. You know what?

Let me just wet some of the dirt in my brain and clear my head. Hey, whatever, man. A Minnesota school is being sued over the deaths of two teens killed in a Nerf war. The lawsuit claims this tragedy could have been prevented had the teachers all been armed with super soakers. All right, guys. The California Democratic Party has declined to endorse Democrat Senator Dianne Feinstein. In a related story, Jello Biafra just cummed real hard.

Who's Jello Biafra? I can't even begin to explain. The singer of the Dead Kennedys. He's a guy that was in a band and I only wrote like three jokes and Nat was coming over in 15 minutes. So that's who

he is. A London man who was arrested just... What happened? Sorry. A London man who was arrested just after swallowing a load of narcotics has refused to shit for 38 days. One police official said, we're British and even we've never seen

anything this anal retentive. That's just metal as fuck. Yeah. Is this like a Cesar Chavez dookie strike? No, it was this guy. This guy swallowed his stash because the cops arrested him

and they're like, all right, well, you're going to shit it out eventually. Wait, was this Robin's dad trying to make it last longer? Excellent callback. Yeah. No, yeah,

and he's trying not to dump out the drugs. It's been 38 days since he's taken the dump. Wow. And he's still in jail, so the cops are just like, you're going to get caught. Well, maybe he's just eating his poop late at night. No, because you know they've got to have one guy who's just watching him the whole time. The dookie cop. Yeah, goddammit, 38 days.

Talk about a shit job, guys. At some point, you've got to just fill up, and it's got to just come out of your mouth. Oh, he probably has not been eating. You can't not eat for 38 days. Well, I mean eating very lightly. Yeah. What's the longest somebody has gone without pooping? Has gone without pooping.

And what's the name of the people most likely to go long without pooping? Those people poop all the time. It's like wherever. What's the answer? I think it was a guy who had a disease, so he never shit. He died when he was like 29.

That's almost 30. 13 years without shitting. Holy shit. Around year 5, you gotta be like, I'd sure like to take a dump. Oh yeah, he lived 13 years without shitting. Holy shit. Wow. Anyway. Around year five, you gotta be like, I'd sure like to take a dump. Wonder what it's like. Tom, you're up.

Yes. A man, you guys know men. A man stabbed a 22-year-old woman 10 times at a Massachusetts library. Authorities are still confused as to why people still go to the library. Not bad. 14-year-old actress Millie Bobby Brown is rumored to have picked up a cocaine habit. While alarming, Stranger Things is once again being praised for its faithful recreation of the 1980s.

I have her in my Doug Stanhope celebrity death pool, so that's very good news. Yeah, which, by the way, Connor and Dave Cyrus are tied for second right now. Yeah, we're both in the money. A bunch of people had Billy Graham, so they only got one point. Yeah, there's like five people who just got one point. Somebody in our fucking pool has like 300 points. Yeah, someone has like 208.

I don't know who they picked. Tomb Stoner. Yeah, they got like two hits, but it was like a site-wide solo and like a musician bonus. They played the cards really, really well. Yeah. No luck yet for my mom, which sucks, but I'm pulling for your mom. Yeah, we only have like eight people who've gotten hits so far, but the season's still young, okay? I haven't got any hits.

Keith has. It's everybody's ballgame. All right. Research from the Southern Poverty Law Center shows that Idaho has the highest concentration of hate groups. The organization says a growing contingency of white nationalists want, quote, their own private Idaho. Hey. That's a good joke.

The Las Vegas airport has installed special containers where people can legally dump their drugs before boarding a flight, said one citizen. Great. Where's the one for babies? These special containers are called Keith's Mom's Mouth. They just have your mom hung up on the wall with her mouth and she just rubs up a tissue paper and throws it in.

It's also that big Bertha ticket-spitting arcade game. Yeah, yeah, exactly. The Parkland High School hockey team won the Hockey State Championship last Sunday. They really showed the world their whiteness was more powerful than their sadness. Finally, Parkland wins a shootout. Yeah, I was waiting for that one.

Hey, you got to miss that direction. What a race to the bottom this IQ test is going to be. You got Tom, and then he just made snake moves with his hands. Stop dancing. It's an auditory medium. Yeah, you guys have eyes. Auditory. I meant to say auditory.

Now, class, welcome to the auditorium. We've got a special presentation by break dancer uh tom goss that was some real conspensary or whatever codder said earlier dude your complicity and that joke will not be forgotten everyone's dumb but me anyways a shit did a fart on a butt we'll get you nat send I know 58 retweets Vaguely anti-semitic Conspiracy theory Doesn't

This guy Look like If this guy Did X 900 followers I also realize I should have looked At my last check

Before I shit on anybody So your album Is just like an audio book For your memes Basically last joke before i shit on anybody so your album is just like an audiobook for your memes it's just it's just me going okay so imagine a picture of like rich scott but it's looking real creepy you know who rick scott is you remember that thing that trended for eight minutes uh six months ago anyways i'm gonna need you to laugh really hard at this because i need this. Okay.

All right. A vibrator has been released that orders pizza after your orgasm, which is strange considering how usually women order the pizza first, ask if there's some other way they can pay for it. It's that orgasm. Nice. That was real good. That was a good one.

Dude, I saw one of those pizza porns and the guy had a hole in the pizza box. Yeah. And he put his dick through the pizza and then she sat on it and just got pizza all over her ass. And two things I love in this world more than just about anything, asses and pizza. But even that, I was like, this is a bit much. I specifically need to know what the topping situation was on that pizza. It was sausage, of course. It was called, of course.

It was that one sausage. And I was just like, you're going to get like ass zits and shit. And this is going to be, I'm getting. Well, it'll say nothing of the paper cut risk to the dick. Well, yeah, I'm getting cheese on my balls. Like, I don't want cheese on my balls. You sound like a woman complaining at a fucking soup plantation. I was like outraged.

I was just like, why do we need it? I mean, sure i'd like to speak to the manager of the big sausage pizza company sure have this fun have the fun breed story to the fucking great but don't get don't ruin a pizza ruin my my sex act entertainment and just get get assets and cheese balls. I'm sorry. It was so unnecessary. Who's coming harder because there's fucking pepperoni on someone's ass? You watched a porn and your problem with it was that the pizza wasn't respected. A lot of these pizzas are addicted to drugs because they need to numb the pain of being dicked down eight times a day for

$300 at a time. Look, you could call her a cum paid, but don't you dare bespurge that pizza. Yeah, man. I mean, I was just confused. I was like, for who? For who? Like the novelty, like take one picture for the website banner and then get the fucking pizza out of there.

For the noid. Let's move on. There's a crew there. There's a crew there that has to eat. You know, I can't imagine they're being fed very well by porn craft services. He's like, okay, you can suck on a flavored condom and work a 12-hour day. You just... Anyway, I'm sorry, guys.

I really got upset. But we'll be right back with something else after I talk about this injustice off the air. Hey, everybody. The Mean Boys podcast is brought to you by Sudio Headphones. Sudio Headphones. Sudio Headphones. They're fucking great, air. Hey, everybody. The Mean Boys podcast is brought to you by Studio Headphones. Studio Headphones. Studio Headphones. They're fucking great, man. They sound fantastic.

Unbelievable audio quality. Yeah, I don't know why we keep doing this movie announcer bit in these ads. I don't know, man. I'm just trying to come up with something to fill the time. They're good headphones is the fucking point. Oh, you know what? Mr. Ear here. Get the fuck out of here.

You don't need. Stop it. Stop it at once. Mr. Ear is dead. Studio headphones are great. The Swedish, they're ergonomically designed. We're in the region right now. That's the premier over-the-ear model. Beautiful sound. Beautiful. Unbelievable. I want to fuck this sound in the mouth.

That's how Mr. Ear was created. Oh my god. It's not even funny as an anti-joke anymore. It's just the worst. It actively bothers me. It makes the podcast bad and hurts all of our livelihoods you can hear all of cotter's complaints with that crystal clear sound from studio headphones shut your cum guzzling mouth these headphones have bluetooth capability that's right they sure do or they have a cord it's a fancy spaghetti cord that does not tangle it's a flat beautiful ox cord

untangleable the best headphone cord i've ever experienced in my life i didn't even think of that as an issue but it's just good. It just works. Yeah, they fixed a problem you didn't know you had. And the battery life on these things is tremendous. You can rock and roll with them walking around all day on just one charge. And you know what, guys? The best part about it, if you go to Studioswedan.com and use promo code MEANBOYS, all one word, you get 15% off. Pretty fat discount.

They ship for free all over the world. These are a fantastic gift. You slide a pair of studio headphones into your loved one's box. You put them in their pussy. You fuck somebody with the headphones. Oh, man. I'm just so traumatized by Mr. Ear. You want to be able to hear music while you're eating her out? Sweden knows a lot about sound.

Yeah. You're looking at Clinton hearing... You know what I think? If you're 40 years old and you're pregnant, play Mozart with studio headphones on the belly, and it won't come out with down syndrome. That's how good the sound quality is. If you want to avoid a Tom. You need studio Sweden headphones.

And you know what? Use your headphones every day of your life. So make an investment in yourself. You're worth it. Or get yourself a fucking amazing gift. Like one of these boxes. It's just a sexy box to open. I remember being so excited just cracking it open and getting all the little shit out and playing with it. And it's just a good investment. It's a great gift. One of these boxes is just a sexy box to open. I remember being so excited just cracking it open and getting all the

little shit out and playing with it. It's just a good investment. It's a great gift and it's an easy way to help with the Mean Boys. It's studioswedent.com with promo code MEANBOYS. You're out. And the Mean Boys podcast returns with our guest Nat by Mel. Nat's new album Be Nice is out right now. And so I

put a game together based on the idea of niceness. I didn't come up with a name for it because I wrote this game about eight minutes before we started recording. But basically, the way this works is I pulled some news stories

from this week that sound like they could be nice. They sound like they could go a bad direction. We don't really know what's going to happen. And all you guys have to figure out is this nice or like nah, though.

All right? So let's discuss it. Number one, a college in Switzerland started offering a surprising new degree. Nice or nah? It's a fifth degree sexual assault.

It's when it's premeditated and you also went back in time and decided to still do it. It's either like in fancy dancing or white supremacy deluxe. This is in Switzerland? No, Switzerland.

Or Sweden. Switzerland. Okay. So Switzerland is always that like mecca of socialist ideals everyone keeps pointing to. But I feel like they're going to, it has good intentions,

but in effect, it's going to be very bad. It's going to be like, here's how you need to gender wombats or some such shit. And people are getting arrested because they didn't know to call the thing a zur.

I'm going to say it's bad. It's real bad. Yeah, I'm going to guess that it's bad and they're trying to turn trans people back into their original gender or something like that. I don't know why you both got to transgender. You know, Sweden hates the trans community. Yeah, I feel like that's true. Switzerland sounds very er very to me. So I'm going off really nothing here.

Because the name of this famously neutral company sounds aggressive. Because it has a T and a Z next to each other. Yeah. Genders are not neutral in gender. General. What? What are you saying? They're either on one side

And that is XY. Tom is from Richland. So you're going bad? You went bad. I went... I'm going to go good. Okay. I went...

Yeah. I'm going to go good. That's a great answer. Nice. It's a degree in yodeling. That's all it is. I mean, I still feel like that was correct, but go on. It's a degree in yodeling. That's all it is. I mean, I still feel like that was correct, but go on. You're late.

You're late. You're late. Number two, nice or bad. A family was surprised by what happened during their fun day at a go-kart track. Ooh. There's some dead kids in that. This is either like John Legend took a picture with him, or there's a transgender person working at the go-kart.

Go back to Switzerland. Go back to Dick Africa. And there's the episode title. 114, Dick Africa. For our very highbrow comedy podcast. That just sounds like a fun name. Dick Africa here for NBC Sports. Makakta.

That's going to make me laugh for so long. Go back to Dick Africa. Dick Africa sounds like Blatsploitation Dick Tracy. I'm out here on the beat. He gets shot every time he goes under cover trying to solve a crime. No, Black Dick Tracy is Dick Tracy Morgan. A really big Dick Tracy? I don't know.

I'm going to say bad. Okay. Yeah, I mean, here's the thing. Even when go-karts are great, it's not fun. I love go-karts. Go-karts are fun. Wait, Even when go-karts are great, it's not fun. I love go-karts. Go-karts are fun. Wait, you ride go-karts? Why not?

Well, Keith has to ride go-tractors, but it's a little more expensive. It's just logistically necessary. Okay. He's fat, you see. Quite large. Yeah, I'm going to go something bad happened. Okay. I'm going to say something good.

I think, yeah, I think someone died. I think a child say something good. I think someone died. I think a child died. Interesting. Let's find out. The chore dancer, bad. The mom's hair got stuck in the wheel of her go-kart, ripped her scalp off. She died and came in last. You think at the end they're like,

do you want to keep the scorecard? And then the blue shell hit her cart. It was a rough day. Number three. A kitten was exploring his owner's kitchen sink But then he got stuck in the garbage disposal I just want to know how this could possibly be good I think it's good I think they get the cat

And then they find just a chunk of gold In the disposal I'm so squeamish I'm like if my cat's in the disposal. I'm so squeamish. I'm like, if my cat's in the garbage disposal, I'm like, well, good luck, buddy, because I don't want to touch all the, like, the mushed up food and shit.

That's the issue, not the knives. I remember when I'd play with Legos in the sink, and sometimes I'd drop Legos down the drain, and my mom would make me fish them out of all the gross shit, and I was just like, uh. I feel like they found some, like, Titanic diamond or, like, you know, like a found some like titanic diamond or like uh you know like a like a 20 bill or something or i like that those are equally good to you why does this make the news retrieves her cat and finds 20 bucks oh i got a call

maybe it's maybe it's maybe it's japanese money maybe it's uh What? Tom, even for you, you're making no sense. What is Japanese money doing in America? Yen. It's called yen. Oh, okay. You know how much yen there would have to be in the sink for it to be worth anything? If she had like a billion yen bill, that's like 40 bucks. That's also true. Maybe it's in a Japanese check. Also, why is it dry in this scenario

for you? Why are we on Japan? Maybe it's in a bag. I think it's good. I think in a bag. I think it's good. I think it's good. I think it's good, too. I think it's like a firefighter came and got him out and then took a picture with the firefighter and blah, blah, blah. I'm going to say it's good, but because they got him out, they took him to the vet

and then when they did an x-ray, they found a tumor and they saved the cat's life. I like yours. Unfortunately, Connor is 100% correct. It was good and the firefighters came and it was a heartwarming So there's no money. I mean, no, presumably. Motherfucker, was good, and the firefighters came, and it was a heartwarming moment. So there's no money. I mean, no, presumably. Motherfucker, that's bullshit. The firefighters got paid for it, I assume.

There's probably, like, some, like, HuffPo slash Ah writer that just, like, sends, like, missives out to, like, local fire departments. Like, if you do anything with an animal, I will kick you back 50 bucks of ad revenue because people just read this shit apparently. I'm on the cute shit beat for HuffPo. Yeah, I mean there's got to be a job where it's just like has an octopus gotten stuck anything today? I mean my favorite story is one of my best friends used to be a firefighter and he would tell me the not heartwarming stories. Oh, God.

Like the one time that apparently they rescued a very large woman from a suicide attempt, and then his buddy was just fat shaming her in the ambulance for no reason whatsoever. Was she, like, unconscious? Oh, no, fully conscious. Like, she was wailing incoherently, and he just started screaming at her to shut her fat mouth.

Or, like, blue wailing. One time we had a substitute teacher in pe and there's like a fat kid in my pe class and he would just like always just be like tung tung you know like doing the mile yeah you know fat guy noises yeah yeah like tung tung and he always he always tried really hard and you know like they like the pe teacher kind of graded him on a curve you know he was just like this guy's giving it 110 he He might not have made seven minutes, but we'll give him a B. Whatever. And we had a substitute PE teacher who was just like, hey,

we'll call him Chris. Chris, you're fat. You're being too fat right now. You need to be less fat. You got to do this more quickly. You're doing a bad job. You're not allowed to be this fat, according to what's on this clipboard here. And you're in trouble and uh it's your fault

he was just like a complete piece of shit to him he's like crying in front of all of us and we just like none of us i'm glad to say nobody ever really talked about it again but we're just like dude like he's fat as he's crying like yeah water weight you shed in right there keep it up yeah yeah he was just like oh you're being too fat according to the state of California. This is not good. Oh, God, that's really funny. I got so mad. He was just like going around the back nine of the run of the mile.

He was like, less fat, Chris. Have less you. Yeah. I got real mad because the teacher did that. And I wasn't even that fat. He was like, okay, you got to run the mile. If you don't do it in eight and a half minutes, you got to do two extra years of, I almost said special ed.

Of PE. Fucking Groundhog's Day. And I did a 640 mile, and then I was so fucking mad. He just talked all this shit, and I was like, oh, my bad. He was like, no, fuck you. I get it now. I also love this idea that if you fail at PE, they just put you in special ed. Run faster, you go to the drool g was like, oh, my bad. No, fuck you. I get it. I also love this idea that if you fail at P.E., they just put you in special ed. Like, run faster, you go to the

drool gulag, kid. The drool gulag. Alright, number four. Nice or bad? Three pals made friends with a goat. Oh, this is a goat bang. Did this happen in Scotland?

Yeah, but I believe in Arizona.zona oh they fucked that goat yeah yeah yeah yeah by unanimous uh vote yes they fucked it or maybe maybe uh the goat killed one of them i love it i love that that's the hopeful idea yeah maybe they're like ah suck this cock goat like they're fucking the goat, suck this cock goat. And the goat's like, bah. Kill Bill, and then the goat woke up and just, you know. Yeah. That feels bad. Oh, sorry. Sorry.

Anyway, a bad thing happened. They force-fed that goat cocaine and whiskey. Oh, nice. And the guy who did it apparently is going to get deported now. Which, I gotta be honest, I'm not generally pro-deport to get deported now. I got to be honest. I'm not generally pro-deporting Lee Limerick. I feel like that guy can go. No, yeah, fuck him.

I feel like, yeah, I don't think he should be covered under the DREAM Act because his dream was put cocaine in a goat. More like the CREAM Act. Hey. Oh, wait, I forgot he didn't fuck a goat. Here's the thing. If you put cocaine in a goat, you're going to fuck some goat. Maybe not this goat. This goat just wanted to blow.

Women in Arizona are hot, but they're all just kind of crispy. Yeah. It's always just a little bit of a skin. Yeah, talking to them is like talking to someone on Skype in real life, where it's just like a three-second delay after everything you say, where you can see it processing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's funny.

Oh, you sweet, sweet. It's like they're at a hurricane. Just like... All right. Number five. A frightened girl on a flight snuggled up with a fellow passenger service dog. Bad. Because I think this has got to be the story where the service dog bit the person.

Have you seen that? Where that's been going around? The service dog bit a lady? No. Yeah. Why? I don't know. I didn't read it. I just saw it. And everyone was like, well, that's why fucking snowfl? The service dog bit a lady? No. Yeah. Why? I don't know. I didn't read it.

I just saw it and everyone was like, well, that's why fucking snowflakes need to leave their gay pets on the ground. You know,

I just saw like that take and I didn't really investigate further because I had no interest in it. Yeah, leave Scruff McCuck at home. Yeah. I think it was bad.

I think the person who owns a service dog was just like, fuck you, bitch. You know, I feel like he went Rambo for touching his poodle or whatever. Okay. I'm going to say good. It was bad.

That dog bit that little girl in the face. And I would like to note that 20 minutes later, the paramedics cleared the girl. She got to fly. They made that dude and the dog just hang out at the airport. They're like, you don't get to go to Arizona today. You know what's funny? Is now that girl, because of the trauma, is going to need a service dog. She's going to need like a service cat or something, a less aggressive creature.

Service gun. Service gun. Yo, that's really funny. Just like a guy who's just like, no. This is my emotional support rifle. I don't like what they're doing to this country. I need to bring a service gun with me on the airplane. I used to be really anxious and depressed and scared, but now I'm oddly confident. But now I'm a strong man.

It has a little orange vest around it. It has a leash for it. Careful if you pat it wrong, it will bark. He's dragging it behind him, and every once in a while it hits a rock and just shoots errantly into the fucking surroundings. I love that. All right, last one. An American man struck up an online friendship with a lady in Japan. Within weeks, he was so smitten, he flew all the way to Osaka just to see her.

They both fucked a goat. There. It's the goat on cocaine. Yep. No, she was transgender. Come on, guys. Transgender goat on cocaine. We. No, she was transgender. Come on, guys. Transgender goat on cocaine. We don't like them.

That doesn't speak for the podcast, Dice Clay. Yeah, that's unaffiliated third-party character, Dice Clay. Clearly marked satire, Dice Clay. Oh! I don't know. I think maybe what other... Look, nothing makes satire funnier than when it's clearly marked. Yeah.

You know, like I remember reading, you know remember reading a decent proposal and how on the top of it it clearly said, this is a joke by comedy writer Jonathan Swift. Not to be taken as a real proposal, but it will be presented as such for humor and tense. Don't worry. Don't be challenged. Look, satire is always better if that's why we need a sarcasm font so that nothing will ever be funny again, but no one will have to be upset

when you want to make a goof. All right, so Tom, your guess. What did you guys say? I don't know if they've guessed yet. I said bad. Oh. Good? Okay.

I'm going to say good. I think when he met her, he's like, you're not submissive enough, bitch. So he cut off her head or something. All right. Well, he went to visit this lady in Osaka. About a week later, this lady went missing. This man tried to fly back to America, at which point they arrested him at the airport, opened the suitcase, and found her severed head.

Oh, shit. That was 100% right. Prophet of Goss. Yeah. They have since recovered other missing parts of her body in her neighborhood. This is a service corpse. Helps calm me down. I just like that he was flying with a head in a suitcase.

Yeah. Like, I don't know. Ship that. This is service nudity. I have to fly nude. God, what an upsetting thing that you got that spot on. I am my own pet, and I like to comfort myself. I think the most upsetting thing isn't that you guessed what happened, but why it happened.

I don't know if that's true. He's saying I didn't. He's like, I didn't do nothing wrong, but he had the lady's head. Minimum, you had a head you didn't come here with. Well, I think Tom is right in that most white guys are into Asian girls because they just want, like, a Tamagotchi they can fuck, where it's just very, like, low-main. Oh, you're not, like, the anime. And if you're fucked up and lame enough that you can't even hang with, like, an American

Asian, you gotta go get them, like, direct from the tap. Yeah. Definitely. You know, because that is a real thing, like, the fetishization of, like, their subservient culture or whatever, you know? the tap. Yeah. Definitely. That is a real thing. Like the fetishization of like their subservient culture or whatever, you know. Yeah. I can definitely see him be like, what did I tell you about opinions? All right.

Now, thankfully, I brought a katana from the United States that I bought that imported from Japan. You got to go to Japan if you want farm fresh, frightened women. I understand Asian culture, man. Here at Osaka Farms, we don't even let our Asians raise their voice. Keep them in a tiny cage.

Do you remember when Japanese were put in camps? Osaka Farms remembers. The only words we teach them are the smiling and horny emojis. To ensure a competitive experience for your greasy basement dong. Wait, no. I think Africa wasn't locked in because greasy basement dong isn't bad.

Osaka's a sub-island, right? They're a dom island. Tom always laser focuses in on the least interesting part of every discussion. I mean, I think it's a Dom Island when that guy got there. But yeah. Oh, sex positive. Dice Clay. Whatever you're doing in there.

I'm just glad you're having a good time. Oh, get enthusiastic. Consent, you fucking horse. We've just made Andrew Dice Clay just a dinosaur on the Flintstones. It's a living. I'm a pelican. I get poop in my jaw. What am I, Russian?

All right, Mean Boys will be right back after something. And the Mean Boys podcast is back to play a round of our favorite game, which is the following. Wee! to play a round of our favorite game, which is the following. This one comes to us from one of our most involved listeners. One of our listeners that's so responsive that I'm kind of worried about him. Where I'm like, are you okay? But anyway, we love him.

Dark Homunculus writes, greeting mean boys. He wrote that in LeetSpeak or some shit. I also just want to say, Dark Homunculus writes, greeting, mean boys. He wrote that in, like, LeetSpeak or some shit. I also just want to say, Dark Homunculus has tweeted Tom a that is why memes, I think, like, 40 times at this point. It's been, I stopped retweeting most of them. I think it's legitimately upsetting Tom. So, Dark, I need you to keep going.

He's also tweeting out pig facts for you guys. Oh, yeah. I forgot. Yeah, big ups on the pig facts. You stupid, not pig-knowing motherfuckers. Yeah, dude. We're dumb. I forgot. Yeah, man. Big ups on the pig fans. You stupid not pig knowing motherfuckers. Yeah, dude. We're dumb. What are you?

Unconscious? Wait, okay. So you look to the only Jewish man in the room and we're like, you like pigs. You know what? I gotta be completely honest.

That wasn't an intentional thing. I know. I know. That's why it was funny. I forget you're Jewish all the time. I got that going for you. Yeah, I take it as a compliment.

I'm the only one. You're passing. Yeah. That's because Tom only ever looks at Nat directly head on. That's why he keeps forgetting. Never seen a profile picture of him. All right. Noses.

They're big ones. Fake. I think you're shitting on your own joke. As your well begins to run dry, I'm sending along a new one to the following, which features legitimate scientific terms that sound dirty. Hope you enjoy. We'll keep them coming. Signed, Dirk Homo Erectus slash Black Hercules.

From the email, Dark Homunculus. You got to pick an avatar, dude. I don't know what to tell you. We've called him 900 things. I mean, he's called himself 900 things. Yeah. Yeah. All right, guys.

Drake Homo Erectus. All right. Dork Hippocratic. Fucking dong Hippocratic. Did anyone say Hippocratic? I just did. Yeahork Hippocratic. Fucking dong Hippocratic. Did anyone say Hippocratic? I just did. You sure did. Literally four seconds ago.

Dork Hermaphrodite. You were there. Fucking dang old Humphrey. Anyway. Dan's a hippopotamus. Thank you for the email. Which of the following is not a real scientific term? A, fistula.

B, nipplonium. Nipplonium is when you get that thing from the pizza, the pepperoni. It sounds like a plot point from a vivid angel avatar parody. They've isolated our nipplonium supplies. You guys remember the avatar flashlight? Did you see that?

Yeah, where they just made an avatar pussy that you could fuck. It was called Acetar. I wish I was kidding. Is it the tail? It wasn't the tail. It's just this big, blue, smurfy pussy. I think it was meant to be a pussy, but the movie was called Acetar, so shouldn't it be an alien butthole? I mean, but maybe the aliens, their pussies are buttholes.

Like, it's, you know. I mean, if they're more evolved, I figured they'd have, like, three holes. Like, one for diarrhea, one for regular poops, and one for vagina stuff. You know what? Ducks just have one hole. It kind of looks like a butthole. It could be either. It's just kind of triangular.

Yeah, it looks bad is what it looks like. And they also made an alien dick that you can use. It looks like someone that didn't know that with gelato you're supposed to scoop from the side over and not start right from the middle. It looks like it's made – what's the jacket that George Costanza wears, the Gore- the middle. It looks like it's made of... What's the jacket that George Costanza wears? The Gore-Tex? Oh, Gore-Tex. It looks like it's made of Gore-Tex. No, what it looks like is when you have a cupcake with a strawberry on it, and then

you take the strawberry off, and there's a dent, and then you drop the dent. That's kind of what it looks like. Oh, they probably sold a bunch of them. I like strawberries. Anyway, C is penetrance, and D is succulometer. I'm a succulometer. I give this episode an 8. Okay. And D is succulometer. I'm a succulometer. I give this episode an 8.5. I was about to say, yeah. It's the device

used to measure my riffs thus far. Isn't nippleadium what the claw tried to steal in Black Panther? No, it's nippleonium. Oh, man. If I could remember all the words of that sentence, it'd be a lot funnier. Dude, that Black Panther porno spinoff is going to be so sick. Alright, get this guys, it's called Black Panther.

It's called Big Black Panther. No, it's called Black Panther. It's called Black Panther. Black Panther. BBP. What? Big Black Panther. He's tagging a riff from, he has that Arizona time delay. BBP what big black panther he's tagging a riff

from 8C he has that Arizona time delay what about big beautiful panther oh shit I like that big fat

black panther so much of fat ladies is the royal guard Wayne Bryant forever I was trying to think of one they're all lesbians and they're all spirit each other i love parody

i like we're all just sitting here talking about porn parodies you just wistfully thinking about weird all you ain't doing what do you what do you think guys fistula nipple onium penetrance or succulometer i'm'm going to say penetrance. Tommy Gus. You look at me like you know the answer. I have an idea. Succulometer seems like it's how they measure the succulence of meat. Like at a cafe.

The succulometer reads our new Louisiana hot is off the charts. What was the... Dude, when is it going to be our turn to be the colonels? I want to be the first Cerberus colonel. We're the mean boys. What was scene D? C was Penetrance and D was Succulometer.

Like Suc-u-mometer. Oh, wait. I'm going to go A. Alright, guys. Yeah, I think it's Penetrance. The fake one. B, Nipplonium. What? A, fistula is an unusually large hollowed-out space between two organs that you can literally stick your fist into. I knew that one. B, polonium is a chemical.

Oh, wait, no. That's never mind. That's a different thing. Penetrance, the percentage of people with particular gene mutation who exhibit the disorder that gene creates. So that's like the number of N-word kevins or whatever there are out there. And the succulometer... What? Wait, what? Oh, because that was what we were calling my special

son earlier in the episode. Oh, okay. I got it. That sounded worse than I think it did. Yeah, it might have been all the Black Panther or something. I did forget. I slept for like four hours in a car, so I'm not doing great. And succulometer is a device used to measure the moisture in processed vegetables. Oh, I was almost right. Yeah, so it's just, you know, so I'm not doing great. And Succulometer is a device used to measure the moisture

in processed vegetables. Oh, I was almost right. Yeah, so it's just, you know, telling you how much they suck. Yeah. All right, round two. A, mastication-induced arousal. Nice.

B, formication. C, spontaneous ectoplasmic release. Or D, pillow erection. Tom, do you have a story about anybody getting a pillow erection? Oh, boy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Welcome to Dogtown, B. Oh, no. All right.

Who's this again? Oh, hey. What's up, man? I'm doing all right alright Can I call you back Or is it time sensitive Okay Yeah can I call you back In like an hour or two

Alright thanks bud Sorry about that Bye Sorry guys Had to take a phone call Fuck your asshole Who was that Bye. Sorry, guys. I had to take a phone call. Fuck you, asshole. Who was that? It's a long story.

Well, we already waited. You didn't know until the beginning of the phone call. I didn't recognize the number, so I thought it could be something good. It's one of those money calls you get from time to time. Yeah, yeah. So what were we talking about? I don't know. Have fun editing around that is.

I'm not editing shit. The listeners... I can't believe... You didn't even go, hang on, I have to take a phone call. You just leaned away and started having a conversation while we were doing the riff.

When have I ever done anything like that? When have I ever been like, hold up, guys. I don't know. That's a good point. There's a guy who's farted on Tom 12 times in the last 48 hours. And I've only been home for like 16 of those. Fucking mongrel. And I'm not even counting the times when you were asleep.

Oh, that makes me feel good. Anyway, your girlfriend fucked a pillow. Yeah. No, I don't fart at you when you're asleep. I promise I don't. Can I hear him again? Mastication-induced arousal, formication, spontaneous ectoplasmic release,

or pillow erection. Hold on, guys. I'm going to spy on a Skype call. Why, yes, I do want to change my long-distance carry. I think it's... That spontaneous ectoplasmic releasing seems like some weird, vague Ghost Hunter bullshit. Yeah.

I'm going to say formication. I think that one sounds so normal that it's... Dream of California. Formication. All right. I'm going to say it's the pillow one because it's one of those ones that sounds so fake that you're thinking it has to be real, but it's totally fake. Yeah.

A. Nat's calling me. You fuck. It was a pretty good bit. So has everyone guessed? Yeah. All right, the answer is C, spontaneous ectoplasmic release.

The first one, the beneficial cognitive effects of chewing. I guess chewing makes you more alert or something. Formication, a medical term for the sensation that small insects are crawling all over your skin. Keith's mom's disease. Both during withdrawal and her regular day-to-day life. She is a vessel for the insects. In pillow erection, the scientific word for when your hair strands

on end, or stands on end. Huh. What? Yeah. That's weird. Yeah, fuck that pillow. Do they mean goosebumps? No, yeah, I guess kind of, yeah. Anyway, round number three. Science words or something? I forget. A, plum-headed cockatiel.

B, sea puss. C, galactic bulge. Or D, horsed and grabbin'. Horsed, my least favorite type of porn. Yeah, horsed. Secret of black. That sounds like the German word for taint. We will tickle the horse. It sounds like the soup word for taint. People take the horse.

I think horse is the kind that sounds like the soup we're going to feed you in 50 Revealed. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. 48. It's fucking. Oh, you're so fucked. By the time this comes out, probably more. It's been rocketing upwards.

Yeah, you guys really want to bum Connor out. It's going to suck, dude. I'm going to be very unwell about it. Yeah, and I'll be honest. At first, I was sort of like, let's just give him a nice gentle soup and he can just play it up. After you took that phone call, you're getting lukewarm chowder, bitch.

I'm going to choose the soup. Shark fin noodle soup. You think we have shark fin money? The listeners will choose the soup. I will order the soup. I don't want anybody monkeying with my soup. I just want to throw my vote in for fishy suave that shit from Batman Returns that he spat out because it was cold. I'm like, what does everyone want me to hate?

I mean, I already don't want to try soup. And everyone's like saying you're such an idiot because you don't like soup. And we're like, I know. We're going to give him the worst possible soup. Yeah, it's almost like we started a podcast based around the idea of unwarranted negativity. And then we wanted to why these are our fans i mean if you guys actually want to make a difference in my life you'd be casting your vote for like a tomato bisque or something mild yeah but if like you think it'd be funny to watch connor throw up it's a good thing no one's pitching out noodle soup because i know you also don't like

noodles i don't know have you ever eaten a noodle i have yeah how many times maybe 15 20 one time at camp and uh no literally one time at camp? No, literally, yeah. No, at camp I had spaghetti. That was the last time I had spaghetti. It was at fifth grade camp. I ate that pool one. That was weird.

Do you think pasta's grosser or soup is grosser? By far soup. Okay. Because I'll have like a pad thai. That has noodles in it. That's straight up noodles. Yeah. Yeah, but not like... I'm only having like the Asian noodles.

Okay. But even then, I just had pad thai and I liked it. But, but not like... I'm only having the Asian noodles. Even then, I just had Pad Thai and I liked it. I've never had a spaghetti or a pasta dish or anything like that. Anyway, guys. What are we doing? Plum-headed cockatiel, sea puss or puss, galactic bulge or horse and grabbing. What do we think here? Plum-headed cockatiel. All right.

Which sounds like a diss from like the 20s. You, Plum Headed Cockatiel. I'm going to call Big Dick Tracy on you. I'm going to go with C-Puss. Insult from the 80s. What was D? No, that's when you're a lesbian doing a joke like, hey, you want C-Puss? C-Puss.

If you want to keep the neighborhood safe, you see puss, you say puss. C was galactic bulge. Sea puss is that comedy network that folded, right? D was horst and grabbin'. Horst and grabbin'. Horst and grabbin'. Yeah, I'm going to say A. All right, the answer.

Plum-headed parakeet. Yeah, that's a fake one, or cockatiel. Seapuss, a strong seaward current, riptide, or undertow. Galactic bulge, the center of a galaxy made of mostly older stars. Nice. The Milky Way's core is made out of 10,000 stars, and last year's scientists discovered it is shaped like a peanut. Horst and Graben refers to the region that lie between normal faults and are either higher or lower than the area beyond the faults.

Horst and Graben, also great Rammstein song. Yeah. Round number four. A, crappulence. Hell yeah, dude. B, Turtus Maximus. That's Tom's fucking apocalypse name. Yeah.

C, dry hole. Or D, big D notation. That's for when you've got to use the expanded, like the point blah, blah, blah times 10 to the blank power. That's how big your dick is. You got to do 0.23 times Lexington X. No, it's exponential. Can you run them one more time very quickly?

Crepulence, Tertus Maximus, Dry Hole, and Big D Notation. These all seem real. Yeah. I think... Well done on the writing on this one. I'm going D. All right, Tom. I'm going to say Turtus Maximus.

Tom thinks he can write down any D, no matter how big it is. I think I could document the world's largest D. Yes, and? I'm going to look up biggest dick in the world. That is D. All right, you guys all guessed? Turd is massive. Biggest dick in the world?

Okay. Oh, this is what we're guessing on now. It just opens up the selfie camera and shows you. Oh, dude, this picture of this dude holding his dick with, like, weird wrapping... I'm gonna say... 13 inches. I'm gonna say 18 inches. I'm gonna say 18.1 inches.

Oh, fuck you, you Price is Right cunt. I think it's 13... Yeah. All right, what is it? All right, so nearly 19 inches. Yes! Yeah, and this picture of him, like, holding it, and he's just, like 54 year old guy who stretched

out with the weight. Right. Holy shit. Maybe. I don't know. That looks like a Nerf missile. That thing is insane. He looks like Caribbean deli meat.

Dude, the tip looks like Homer Simpson's mouth. He also looks like Caribbean Gilligan for some reason. Oh, man. What a waste of it. Why is he wearing that shirt? I have so many questions. I don't know, man, but this guy rocks. This guy sucks.

Well, no, he's straight up dressed like Winnie the Pooh right now, complete with no pants. Anyway, yeah, the answer is D, big D notation. Oh, good. Congratulations, Tom, doing the devil horns. And finally. Got two. Oh. In the lead.

Crappulence is a medical term used to refer to sickness caused by eating or drinking too much. Nice. Everyone's here has come down with a little crappulence before. Turtus maximus, a species named for the Tibetan blackbird. And dry hole, a well-drilled for oil or gas but yielding none. Round number five, all real or all fake. A, stimulated emission. B, fuckalite.

C, vagitus. Or D, coming tonight. B. Fuckalite C. Vagitus or D. Coming Tonight Is it Vagitus? C-U-M-M-I-N-G-T-O-N-I-T-E The laziest porn spinoff of Mac Tonight Mac Tonight is just regular as porn for Keith It's got this lounge thing vibe Is it Vagitus or Vagitis?

Listen, just tweet us Would you fuck Mac Tonight? I'd fuck Mac Tonight V-A-G-I-T-U-S I mean, would you fuck Mac tonight? Yeah, I'd fuck Mac tonight. V-A-G-I-T-U-S. I mean, not tonight. I got a show, but I'd fuck him at some point. Vagetis. There's like a He-Man villain, I guess.

Vagetis. All real. All fake. It looked like you were gearing up for some kind of riff, and Tom was just really... Just trying to remember the right word. Real. I'm going to say all fake. All right, guys.

Those are all real. What? I won the shit. After 110 games, you were just like, wow, no way. Really? I won, I think? Cool. Hang on.

I've got to take this phone call. You guys enjoy this. Hang on. I'm getting a fax. It's not my fault. I know I can wait for it to be done and then just read it quietly, but I on, I'm getting a fax It's not my fault I know I can wait for it to be done And then just read it quietly But I really want to see how it works

It's not my fault You guys aren't getting called About part-time employment At a soap factory That's what it was for That's not what it was Oh, you're fucking Oh

Oh, because everything's going great. Yeah. Please, for the love of God. All right. Stimulated emission, a process that occurs when a photon interacts with an atom's electron. Who cares, Connor? That was the funniest thing that ever happened. Fuccalite, a mineral composed mostly of calcium, oxygen, and silicone.

Vagetis, the crying of a newborn baby. Oh, stop it with the vagetis over there. Vagetis. And coming tonight, a brownish mineral made mostly of iron and magnesium. Sounds like poop's making you cum. If that's a brown mineral, you know what you're going to need is some soap. But who's going to make that soap? Conor McSpadden, part-time.

Yeah, guys. Fucking shh. If you need soap produced between Thursday and Sunday, Connor McSpadden is your man. Everybody, suck my big show business dick. All right, we'll be right back with your questions, your voicemails, your comments, all that shit, right after I take some more soap calls.

Hey, everybody. Keith from the Mean Boys Podcast to remind you that we are, as always, brought to you by Don Carlo's Taco Shop in La Jolla, California. Oh, man. Going on two years of Don Carlo sponsorship, and it feels good because it's a great organization. I say that like they help homeless kids, but it really is. They just feed us for free whenever we're on our way to San Diego. It's our longest sponsor.

They've been here the longest. They make a goddamn good burrito. It's right across the street from La Jolla Comedy Store. So go see a fantastic show with one of the great comedy store headliners and fucking fuel up beforehand. Genuinely the best burrito I've ever had. It's so good. It really is. The Carnitas Cali Burrito at the fucking Don Carlos is unfuck with the book.

I remember the first time I was brought there, my friend was like, wait till you have this burrito. I'm like, dude, it's a fucking burrito. And then I ate it. I was like, holy shit, this is a fucking great burrito. Yeah. Yeah. And they have so much more than that. All the menu options and catering

information are available at eataburrito.com. Jump on over there. Pre-game. Get excited. And go check them out, because they're a good friend of the show. And the Mean Boys podcast is back, and we're dipping into the Mean Boys mailbag. Now, guys, if you want to hit us up with any questions, Twitter is

great. Email is great. Meanboyspodcast at gmail.com. Also, if you have any games that you've created that you'd like for us to play. Or you can always leave us a voicemail any time of the day or night. 3 or 4, 805-MEAN. The more pressing the life circumstances, the better. Recommend any fragrance of soap that you'd like to hear manufactured.

Sandalwood. No shit. Cut to we wake up in the night and Connor's just stealing mine and Tom's fat. Yeah, he kind of keeps making me a really strong fucking cup of milk. And then I get the belly vacuum. Yeah. It's hilarious how quickly this stupid podcast is turning into Project Mayhem. I mean, we'll see.

I haven't gotten the job yet, you guys. Would you rather eat a sandwich off the Mean Boys kitchen floor or help Tom Goss with his homework? Tom is actually very smart. He's just an impossible man to follow logic-wise sometimes. Yeah. I also... I'm 24. What homework am I doing? I think the idea is that you're in a school...

No, fuck their idea. I want to make it clear that I have... I didn't graduate high school, but I am out of high school. I really bit my own foot on this one. Yeah, yeah. I'm very smart. Ask anybody who I failed out of special ed with.

Yeah, take that, Kanye. Yeah, the special ed dropout. The community college dropped on his head. Yeah, no, I'd help Tom with his homework, which I would wait. We write jokes with each other all the time. I would put it in front of him,

Tom would go, I don't trust the building systems and the no homework, and then I'd go, great, let's go get a sandwich. Yeah, that's exactly. See, I would go with the sandwich because Tom's homework

presumably would be you going back to college and I don't want to have to actually learn to help you learn. So I can just like make an open-faced sandwich and get rid of the bread that was on the floor. Look, here's the deal.

At the end of the day, Tom getting smarter is bad for my bottom line. So I've got to do everything I can to stop that from happening. That's why I huff paint before every episode, just to make sure that I'm on the same plane as you guys expect me to. Tom is walking around the house just doing Shakespeare monologues and he's like, we're recording in just ether. Bonk, bonk, rubber mallet. I used

to know some Shakespeare monologues. No, I know you do. Tom's like a well-read smart guy. Here's my favorite Shakespeare monologue. 1-877-CARS-4-KIDS. He just communicates weirdly, I think. Yeah, no, Tom, we call Tom stupid a lot because Tom is kind of stupid, but he also is a very smart man.

I just, I'm not stupid. We're all stupid. It's too much energy to explain how I got to places. I don't like my complicity in this whole Tom is stupid thing. Yeah, this is, you know, we'll talk about this in a less auditory setting. People bore me with their, you with their explanation to the destination. I just go to where I thought, and then I let them figure out how I got there. And that's much more entertaining to me to watch them, well, really just think I'm stupid.

You kind of just described it as kidnapping, Tom. Yeah, it is like a conversational kidnapping. Yeah, Tom's train of thought is more of a van you're forced into. He just black bags you and you wake up and he's like, would you rather have one dick and no balls or three dicks and no balls? A real conversation I walked out to this morning. Well, because I got to send them something to ransom you off with. What about you, Nat?

One dick, no balls, three dicks, no balls. I'm so fucking angry about this question. You brought it up just to mock you. Yeah, well, surf's up. I'll be honest. Surf's up. You're trying to say surf's, you're right. I know what I said.

All you could get was sir, and then you're like, sir, sir, sir. Oh, shit. Okay, sir, sir, I got to finish this. Surf's up. Surely no one will notice. I used Beach Boys lyrics instead of argument tactics. Oh, no. That was from, what's the name of the Penguin movie where they surf?

It's called Surf's Up, Tom. You dumb shit. Tom, you can't, like, loudly demand Respect for your intelligence And they just Be blunt force Retarded for eight minutes But dude One day Sure

Yeah Boring Yeah well cause then You gotta get three times It's horny to fuck And then it's like You got like a bird foot For a dick

That's awesome I mean I'm just like I don't know Whatever At the Mean Boys depressing 20th anniversary tour, which original member will be replaced for reasons left

unspoken and who will they be replaced with? Joe slash Tom. Yeah, yeah. Well, they mean out of the three of us. No, I get it. I'm sure I will die and Joe will take my place. No, I feel like I die. Joe comes back. You don't do anything exciting enough to die from. That No, I feel like I die. Joe comes back.

You don't do anything exciting enough to die from. That's why I'm going to die. He's going to die in like a low speed car accident.

I'm going to die like He's going to die in a survivable accident and then he'll just be like whatever, I got an out. And then just like will himself to death. I'm going to die like

the dude from the Minutemen where he was just like, yeah, he was in a parking lot and he just bonked his head. Oh, yeah. Fucking bone, dude. Yeah, yeah.

So there's your answer. Do you guys ever get your 23andMe results back? Not yet. We'll announce those soon. And I just want to make it clear, I definitely didn't lose my DNA somewhere in this house. I know where the DNA is. I feel like I'm sitting in your DNA right now.

There's not a lot here I haven't come by. We just swapped the walls. All right. If Tom Goss from Mean Boys swapped bodies with Tom Goss, country musician, all that freaky Friday, how would the Mean Boys

take advantage of the situation and how quickly would it be ruined with shenanigans? I don't know because I don't think the gay country audience really wants Mean Boys. Yeah, I can't imagine

we've said anything that's going to appeal super hard to them. Yeah, I don't know. I haven't followed up with other Tom Goss in a minute. I might have to hit him up this week. Yeah, I can't imagine we've said anything that's going to appeal super hard to them. Yeah, I don't know. I haven't followed up with other Tom Goss in a minute. I might have to hit him up this week. Yeah, we should hit him up. I mean, not that we don't want to have him on just because it'd be fun,

and he seems like a cool guy, but I don't know what I would really... I mean, if you were in the body of a gay country singer, what would you do, Tom? The same thing? I wouldn't... Like, do I got to do something? I wouldn't... Do I got to do something? I don't know enough about him. Presumably country sing. I think that's something you're going to try.

No, I'd go on a comedy tour. How? You just perform for his fans. Yeah. Doing your material. Exactly. Which would end disastrously. It would be so funny.

I've shown up to our shows before thinking it was Tom Goss, country musician. I've gotten Tom Goss, stand-up comedian. Weren't stoked. Not rave reviews, no. I love that you thought about it for a minute. You're like, well, upon further examination, I would make the worst possible decision. Yeah. How do you think I got how I'm here now?

How do you think I got how I'm here now? Yeah, exactly. What he said was, how do you think I got how I'm here now? The entire time, I was just like, eh, I shouldn't say this.

And then I was like, yeah, don't say it. But I was going to say, try not to get raped. But yeah, I don't know. I feel like you should do that no matter whose body you're in. You think it's like

people are trying to rape him? I feel like some Mean Boys fans might if they're like, Hey, what? What is this? Keep these questions coming. We love you guys. I think I don't understand something here. I think, yeah.

What? I'll probably have to cut that out. Yeah. We're trying to get a mild celebrity to come on the show. Maybe don't say our fans are going to rape him. Yeah. Oh, I see where the miscommunication happens. I'm not mad, but just on the maybe one in ten chance that a Mean Boys fan does rape Tom.

That's even high odds. Thank you, Rich. Nat, I think your stuff is really clever, but the few times I've seen you, I feel like half of the crowd is a few steps behind. Do you ever think your jokes are too clever, is it more like fuck this stupid audience that's so much more hurtful than if somebody just tweeted nats of fag i think you're funny but crowds disagree why i mean for the most part if people don't laugh i think full responsibility but i mean yeah i've performed at places where i'm like oh you guys are dumb yeah that's the worst when you know what audience is just stupid and you're like you don't deserve joy yeah like usually i'm just like okay i could have worded that differently to get the point

across right i could have uh condensed this and kept on premise but sometimes it's just like oh i'm not talking about butts enough for you guys yeah i can get it man i want to see what this other guy's this tweet this guy's tweeting about, I think he's a comic because I've got some UFOs. I don't know. Anyway, I was hoping he was going to be like, I'm a furry rights activist or whatever. Okay, that's the mailbag. Dibbing into the voicemails here.

Hey, MemeBlitz. So I just won a state wrestling championship by accidentally breaking a kid's arm. The thing is, I have to see this kid, like, in a week. So how do I talk to a kid who I broke the arm of less than a week ago for the thing he's worked his whole life for? Well. Break his legs. Thank you, Femi Ivan Drago, for calling in. Dude, I'm talking to...

Wait, is that the transgender wrestler from the joke earlier? Oh, man. If it is, holy shit, I don't know. Stop beating up girls, dude. Dude, how great would it be if we found out she was a fan of the show? Dude, that would rip so hard. Yeah, that would rip so hard. You just sound, you know, vaguely queer.

I do love my favorite voicemail, and this makes me really feel like i'm doing something positive with my life is the kid clearly trying to hide the fact that he's doing this from his mom yeah yeah you know like i'm always saying that a child is listening i know i'm always just like oh man that's just like me you know i would have been like hey i'm not i'm secretly line wiring fucking ramon song so i could play him into the volume real low and put my ear up to the speaker you know I mean as far as the kid's actual question you know you you did your job your job sounds like it's his fault for being a fucking nerd yeah you know he should have

had stronger bones fuck this asshole no you should uh you should just show up in a shirt that just says drink milk bitch yeah I'm not your enemy calcium is your enemy yeah I mean a sincere answer it was an accident. You apologize? Sign his cast and move on. Arms heal. You should bring him one of those inflatable tube guys from a car dealership. Whoa, my arms work great. Yeah, yeah, you should just keep dropping things and then bending down and picking them up.

Like, oh, man, my elbows. Look at him go. When did he start cartwheeling everywhere? That seems hard to do in a bad way. Unless you, like, pulled out a hammer and went Jack Nicholson on him. It's a fucking wrestling match. These accidents happen. Don't overthink it.

I mean, accidents do happen. Just be like, hey, man, I'm sorry. I think he probably gets it. You don't even need to apologize. When did Jack Nicholson use a hammer? The Departed. I was a shoe. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

No, I mean, you know what it is? Boy, I look under the table. Thomas rubber banded two hammers to his feet. You know what it was? I guess he did bring in a hammer, but they didn't use it. I guess, like, when they were filming it one day, it was like... He was like, this doesn't feel... It feels too tame. So he brought in, like, a fucking tool kit the next day.

He was like, I want to try this. I want to try that. I want to try... And somehow they settled on the shoe? Yeah. The shoe is pretty funny, though. I like it. It is funny.

All right, one more, guys. Hey, Mean Boys. Short-time listener, first-time caller, I just reached a new low at my way where I took a nap in a rest stop off the other side of the Ohio Turnpike. So just wanted to call, say thanks for accompanying me on this six-hour hell trip that I am driving, and looking forward to coming to your show in Detroit.

Have a good one. This lady sounds like she's got a lot of coffee mugs with snarky sayings on them. I immediately was like, oh, this is a voice that would scold me for something yeah yeah hi mean boys short time listener future mexican joke off victim i also like that it's like i reached a low point i took a nap in a weird place i took a rest at a rest stop you you have no idea what the bottom looks like you are you are sleeping on the glass ceiling we aspire to. Yeah, I got the majority of my sleep yesterday at a Chevron in Palm Springs. So, I mean, it's kind of hard for me. Yeah, we slept at a gas station in Albuquerque together.

We did, yeah. In December. In December, yeah. In negative weather. That was pretty funny, dude. And we're just like, well, you want a good night, Tom? Good night, Connor. Should we go inside and get UFO merch for some reason?

Yeah, we got to look like an estranged married couple that were just on opposite sides of the bed, you know. Thank you for calling, though. I don't think you've reached a low point in your life. Could have been worse. You could have broken a kid's arm. Yeah, yeah. Like that villain you heard earlier. Could be that monster.

That total monster. Yeah, yeah. Thank you for calling. Glad we could help you with the trip. We'll see you in Detroit. Yeah, yeah. See you in Detroit. Thank you for buying tickets.

We'll see you. It'll be fun. Excited to meet you. And yeah, you're doing great. Shut up. Stop fucking trying to impress us with your squalor. It'll be fun. Excited to meet you. And yeah, you're doing great. Shut up. Stop fucking trying to impress us with your squalor. It's not going to work, toots. Okay?

Toots! We're making like coffee with socks and shit over here. We'll talk about our lows after the statute of limitations. That's the show, guys. Nat, tell me about the album, kid. Oh, yeah. So the album's available on iTunes, Amazon, Doodle Play, Pandora, Spotify. It'll be on XM Radio.

So, yeah, if you like dark jokes, you should enjoy me. So, yeah, buy that shit because I need money, too. That's great. It's called Be Nice. You got any dates? We're dropping this next Tuesday. Yeah. Yeah.

So I will be roast battling you. Oh, that's right, bitch. Yeah, March 13th. Comedy store. It's going down on these streets. The U is Keith. Yeah, so I will be roast battling you. Oh, that's right, bitch. Yeah, March 13th, Comedy Store. It's going down on these streets. The U is Keith. Oh, yeah. Yeah, and I think they probably picked that up from context clues on the fact

that we were having a conversation, Tom, but thank you. There's four of us here. Oh, my God. You get one good riff. I felt slighted that people wouldn't assume that it was either you or Tom. Yeah, me and Matt are roast battling.

Yeah, we sure are. March 13th. I'll also be March 30th at Winter Circle In Lakeland Florida March 31st American Rock Bar in Deerfield Beach Florida And April 19th through 21st At Crackers in Indianapolis

Nice I know we got some people in both those cities So go check it out Sometime in early April I'll be in Florida Identifying Nat's body With his crying mother Gang in Southern California. I'm highlighting the Ontario Improv March 20th. That is going to be a lot of fun.

And in July, I'm coming to the Velveeta Room in Austin, Texas, June 15th and 16th. And, of course, the big old Mean Boys Tour. We're going to Milwaukee, Chicago, Fort Wayne, Indiana. I'm looking at the dates, and I'm still getting the cities wrong. Detroit, Cleveland, Pittsburgh, Washington, D.C., Philly, and New York City. Ticket links are live. Go buy them shits. Get on the email list.

We'll see you guys soon. And we genuinely, if anybody in Pittsburgh wants to have a Mean Boys show in their backyard, hit us up. Yeah, that might be. We're not kidding. The man sucks ass. No one wants to let us have a room in Pittsburgh. And we actually have a lot of you guys. I know.

That's the most tweets I'm getting. What about Pittsburgh? I'm like, fucking shit, guys. Just let us have a room in Pittsburgh, and we actually have a lot of you guys. I know. That's the most tweets I'm getting is like, what about Pittsburgh? I'm like, fucking shit, guys. Just let us give you money. Yeah. So hit us up if you've got a good yard and cool neighbors. Yeah. Yeah. Other than that, I'm doing some shows around LA this month, so check my Facebook and Twitter

for more info on those. Yeah, same here. Add me on Facebook and Twitter. Check out my shows there, and yeah, come on the tour with us. right guys to go to a stock you guys get it fuck everything god is dead I'm I'm I'm I'm