Mean Boys - EP 117 - Snowman Ass Disasters (feat. Pat Barker & Joe Kaye)

Episode Date: March 20, 2018

We're going on tour, come see us! Most ticket links are live, if they're not, jump on our email list: http://meanboyspodcast.com Support the show on Patreon: www.patreon.com/meanboys This week’s segments include “Mexican Joke Off”, "Is This Domain Name Taken", "Stephen Hawking", "Lock & Load", and a game of "Which of the Following" with soccer players by Kaleb Olson. Listen to Pat's podcast: https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/pat-and-jeff-like-sports/id1291727593?mt=2 Fuck with the new Mean Boys subreddit: www.reddit.com/r/meanboys/ Subscribe to our YouTube channel: www.youtube.com/channel/UC0hvkj7TOPzMdJbKIh1L_hw Shop Sudio headphones and use promo code "MEANBOYS" for 15% off all purchases: goo.gl/JWBAJK Contribute to the Mean Boys wiki: mean-boys.wikia.com/wiki/Mean_Boys_Wiki Send us an email at [e-mail] or leave us a voicemail at [phone] We are proudly sponsored by Don Carlo's Taco Shop in La Jolla California (www.eataburrito.com) Follow our guest Pat Barker on Twitter: twitter.com/patbarkercomedy Follow our guest Joe Kaye on Twitter: twitter.com/joecharleskaye Follow the show on Twitter: twitter.com/meanboyspodcast Follow Keith on Twitter: twitter.com/keithtellsjokes Follow Connor on Twitter: twitter.com/connormcspadden Follow Tom on Twitter: twitter.com/gossgoss6 Visit us on the web: www.meanboyspodcast.com Like us on Facebook: www.facebook.com/meanboyspodcast Follow us on Instagram: instagram.com/meanboyspodcast Follow us on Soundcloud: @meanboyspodcast Theme: I’ve Seen Footage by Death Grips (itunes.apple.com/us/album/the-mon…tore/id515449028) Buy Keith’s album (itunes.apple.com/us/album/forever-nap/id1105182043) Podcast logo by Luis Galvez: twitter.com/luiagal Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey everybody, it's the Mean Boys Podcast. Yo, yo, yo. What do you mean? Got a great episode for you today with Joe K and Pat Barker. Yeah. You forgot what we did? Yeah, yeah. Listen to Pat's podcast, Pat and Jeff Like Sports.

Is it like sports or love sports? I think it's like sports. Yeah, they do something involving sports. Positive emotion towards sports. There'll be a link to that in the show notes. He's a great guy. Tom wasn't here for this one, so we had Joe K sit in. I was at an Air Force base in in Texas and they do crypto technology there.

I don't think you were supposed to tell us that. But anyway, we're going on tour, everybody. Yeah, guys. Yeah.

Wow. We're going everywhere. We're going Milwaukee, Chicago, Fort Wayne, Cleveland, Detroit, Philadelphia, Pittsburgh, Washington, D.C. and New York City.

Tickets are on sale now. Get them on the website. Mean Boys podcast dot com right there at the top of the home page and hop on

the email list. Leave the first to know about updates in your city, and leave us a review on iTunes while you're at it. It helps us out when we get to 250 reviews. I will eat soup

live on the program, and we have been skyrocketing upwards in the review department over the last couple weeks. Shocking how well this has worked. Yeah, I'm really pleased

with it as a marketing ploy and really upset with myself as a personal choice. Our fans love fear. One guy writes, worth 15 minutes of Apple malware written by only here for Mean Boys. He writes, I've listened to over 40 hours of podcast each week for the past five years and the only one I've ever binged more than 20 episodes in a week. Mean Boys is also the only podcast to get ever convinced me to install iTunes on my computer for five whole minutes.

I've done something that makes me sick. Now Connor must do the same. Hail Karnak. Hail Karnak indeed. So thank you something that makes me sick. Now Connor must do the same. Hail Carnock. Hail Carnock indeed. So thank you for that. Tweet us soup suggestions. Whatever soup you guys want me to eat, I'm at the mercy of the people. And while you're at it, why don't you support us on Patreon?

We need the money. We're all dying. We're very poor. We've ruined our lives for your amusement. It's only $5. Wow, what a deal. Bonus content. Yeah, you get yourself bonus content.

New shit every week. $10 a month. You get yourself a little piece of Mean Boys swag. There's also other cool options. But yeah, jump on the Patreon. We love you guys. We're seeing you guys start to interact with each other on the Patreon and on the subreddit and all that stuff.

Yeah, hop on the Mean Boys subreddit. We're building a community. Our Mean Boys. I've done some work on it. I made a little Reddit guy that looks like Tom. He has a pink mohawk and a sword. That was you? Yeah, I made that, yeah.

I thought that was a different guy. No, I made it. I figured I pink mohawk and a sword. That was you? Yeah, I made that, yeah. I thought that was a different guy. No, I made it. I figured I'd spruce it up a little bit. Oh, maybe someone else retweeted it, and that's why I thought it was a different guy. What an interesting digression this was. Oh, and the Meat Boys merch this month at the Page Run is a button pack. We got three buttons, one for each of our faces. And yeah, other than that, follow us on Twitter, Instagram, subscribe to the YouTube, all that shit.

Make the numbers bigger so the gods of the industry care about what we're doing here. Puff our chest. Mr. Ear. Help us get money so we can afford to sleep and eat and thus be funnier. I haven't slept in a while. No, he hasn't. And Tom is in terrible shape. You'll hear about that on the Thursday episode that we just recorded.

In the meantime, enjoy a great program today with Pat Barker and Joe Kay. Hey, everybody. Welcome to the Mean Boys podcast. Do you ever wake up and feel like the sun weighs a thousand pounds? I'm Keith Carey. I'm Pat Barker. I'm Joe Kay. And I'm...

The human version of that sticker where Calvin is peeing on stuff. I do like a peeing Calvin. You know the peeing Calvin actually comes from a cartoon where Calvin's filling up a water balloon and they just edit it in piss? How did Matt know that? Why do you know that? I don't remember. I feel like i you remember

stumble upon yeah yeah i was i i was willing to stumble upon when i was probably 15 16 and i think i read that one night stumble uponing okay after like oh look at this canoe with the clear bottom wow what a great internet this is it's just such a weird idea of some like just stoned idiot just seeing that and just being like well i'm gonna be a millionaire now yeah is somebody on the copyright on peeing calvin specifically no i don't think so i know bill watterson has publicly expressed his uh outrage over the use of his character to pee on things i can't imagine he'd be thrilled about it yeah i don't think he ever i don't think he was writing calvin and hobbes like this is an anti-chevrolet comic all right my work to be used i want to make a message I want to make a sticker that is

Hob-shitting on Calvin peeing on something. Oh, there's a toothpaste for Dinner Web comic where the scientists were like, we've created the ultimate sticker. It's a Calvin peeing on a Calvin that's peeing on the first Calvin. It just ends with Ziggy jerking off in the corner.

A Mobius strip of irony and urine. They cuck Ziggy. I asked you to refer to me, my slam, to be my new personal brand, which is the Ian Curtis of podcasting. That is how I identify now. So please, everyone, take note.

We're joined by Joe Kay and Pat Barker in the studio. Thank you guys for coming in. Hi. Sure thing. Thanks for having us. Two of our favorite guests, especially when Tom's not here. Two of your favorite guests to get on 20 minutes notice. Yeah,. Thanks for having us. Two of our favorite guests, especially when Tom's not here. Yeah. Yeah, two of your favorite guests to get on 20 minutes notice. Yeah, we got both of these on three hours notice because we all forgot that Tom was

somewhere in the wilds of Arizona. We know Pat has a kid, but I mean, if you know Pat, that kid's not going anywhere. He's not a mover. No, no, no. I know. I do want how readily you were able to abandon your child to come to our crack house. Yeah. I mean, there was a real thing where I was with my wife and my kid,

and I was like, hey, the mean boys want me at three. Like, is that cool? And she literally said, she's like, it's fine with me. I just didn't know if you wanted to spend time with the child. And I was like, we have so much time left. We got plenty of time. He's like, no, fuck that dork. He's not going to miss this shit.

Once he starts sticking forks into outlets, that's when the memories are there. So, you know. Yeah. Stick around for that. We got to get you while we can, Pat. Pretty soon you got to play catch with him while he's secretly gay. Doesn't want to do it, but he feels bad for his old dad. I can't wait to cause so many repressed memories by forcing him into a sports lifestyle.

It's going to be great when he turns 12 and he gets a phone and he's just like, Oh, I'm going to search daddy's name. He's a comedian. Or he was before he went back to work at the bank. What does it mean, boys? Episode 1074. Pat Barker. Okay.

Oh, wow. Eight years ago. Oh, my God. Wow. That must be why I have to get fucked in a bush every day to forget. As soon as he podcasts. I love that of all the things that have been said about Pat, you think this is going to be the problem for the child to find. And not all those roast battles.

Yeah, and that's a song I made about your lovely wife. I love the fact that you think I'm still going to be alive in eight years. That's the nicest thing you've ever said about me. I feel like Joe is just the ghost of your son from the future. He's just like, I want to dance. I want to go to art school, Dad. You can...

I guess you could do a ball. No, you just see Pat Barger sadly putting a football up on a shelf in the garage, taking a deep sigh, and then taking out a lacrosse paddle, just like, oh, well. At least maybe you'll like one of the gay sports. Lacrosse is a gay sport now? I think so.

I would agree with that. Is it? There's a lot of catching balls and nets. It does seem the most fabulous of the ball sports. I feel like the lacrosse player is just on average the hottest sportsman. That's true. You're not getting jacked in the face by fucking turbo bros. Yeah, but if you take a lacrosse ball to the face,

you're straight up done. No, true, but you're also just two streamers away from it being ribbon dancing. It's barely not Quidditch. Yeah, exactly. So, guys, anyone promoting anything? Pat Barker has a podcast, right? I do. Pat and

Jeff like sports. It's with our good friend Jeff Suing. Yeah. Or casual acquaintance, whatever. With a guy we're vaguely aware of. Yeah, you know, the dude I think I've met. Yeah, we record that every week and it's really great if you're into sports. We picked the NCAA tournament this week based on every school's starting five of notable alumni. Huh. Purdue's going to win the whole thing. The fact that you didn't take a shooting angle is really important. Before your appearance

on this school, that'd be good. A school shooting bracket. Well, we've got a project for tomorrow. I've got to get the death pool coders on the phone. You're telling me about a show you've got coming up. First of all, I've got my weekly thing that I host every Thursday in North Hollywood.

If you're in L.A., called Canteen Points. It's weird for Joe hosting a show because usually he just hosts a virus. Am I right, guys? Wow. It begins. You got AIDS. Do you guys see how dead my eyes are during these bigoted jokes? I don't even mean them anymore.

I'm just tired. I don't know. I feel like it would be rude to not suggest that you have AIDS, so I thought I'd try to make you feel welcome. We literally named the last episode he was on after his alleged AIDS. It was Pumpkin Spice HIV. Speaking of alleged AIDS,

I've got a... No, that would be really bad. It's an amazing segue. Say what you're about to say. I've got an appointment at Out of the Closet on Tuesday, and I need everybody to cross their fingers and pray to gay god, the devil. I'll do it. I'll do it.

I'll do it. Hey, speaking of AIDS, I'm hosting an LGBT comedy showcase coming up May 9th. Well, you were. You just got fired. Yes, I got fired from my own show that I am producing and hosting.

Yes, you did. I'm sorry about that. No, we're probably just going to have to move locations now. He's going to be doing it here. It's going to be May 9th at the Skip Town Playhouse in Koreatown if you're in LA. It's good. Gay people love skipping. That's a solid marketing.

I don't think you should have this backed up well of vague homophobia. It's been two months since we had a gay Joe in the studio. I know. I'm sorry. So what's the benefit for it to raise money for? I don't know what we're going to do with the benefit. Yeah, I don't know what we're going to do with it. They're buying glitter.

We literally just – Just loose glitter. I just locked down the date in the venue. Just crop dusting. They're buying lacrosse equipment. Yeah, we're going to crop dust Ed Royce buying lacrosse equipment yeah we're gonna we're gonna crop dust ed royce's office down in orange county with glitter i mean more likely than not we'll probably go with like uh money for trans lifeline or something like that you know we'll we'll figure

it out you know i'll figure it out this is just me less fun than glitter me i don't know why i'm talking about it like i've got a team on like there's some committee and not just you with a laptop remembering 20 minutes before the show yeah not just me like a mad genius on a throne made of fucking dvds of miscongeniality just like just a madman so just yeah follow me on social media and stuff and you'll get more details if that is okay so do that some kind of who wants to be a millionaire joke about trans lifeline like you phone a friend or something? Joe leaned in to breathe disapprovingly into the microphone. It's time to ask the audience.

The audience says you're a dude. We taped the show in Texas. It's kind of a bad move. We're getting fired up. I'm so awful to Joe all the time, and I don't know why. He's a lovely guy. I know you suggested bringing him in today.

I did. That is the most shocking thing I've ever heard, because I am absolutely convinced you do not like me. I think you're cool. Thanks. I'm convinced Connor doesn't like anybody. Well, the last interaction you guys had was outside Harvell's where you like – No, no. We did the live show.

Oh, that's right. I forgot we did that. Yeah, we did. Yeah, that went fine. Yeah, that was fine. Yeah. That was fine. But also I was getting hurt, so he was probably happy to see that.

He's like, yeah, it's good. He's bleeding. No, I don't have some kind of voodoo doll thing where I need everyone to feel bad so I can feel good. He's only happy when I'm lactating blood thanks to clothespins. Dude, lactating blood, hell yeah. Yeah, we have an episode title. I feel so honored. I was like, I can't believe the show doesn't have more listeners.

They don't want to listen to Snowman Ass Disaster or whatever. We end up calling the show. That's not a fun thing to play on your drive to work. Is that the alt title for Michael Keaton and Jack Frost? That's what it was called in Japan. There's the working title.

God, that's insane that that movie even exists. I, to this day, cannot believe that exists. And, like, fucking Henry Rollins is in that movie. I know that, like, Clooney was supposed to be the snowman. Hey, Pat, you want to talk about Pussy or something? That's why that snowman does not look at all like George Clooney. How great are loaded potato skins? I love those things.

Those are fantastic. Now we're speaking my language. I'm a big fan, man. I like that you're acting like the movie Jack Frost is somehow a gay icon. There's no way. You guys are just talking about movies and I haven't seen any of those. That's true. Goddard has seen three movies and they're all bad.

No, man. What are you talking about? One more time. Go down the roster for me. Star Trek 2. Wrath of Khan. Okay, good movie. are you talking about? One more time. Go down the roster for me. Star Trek 2, Wrath of Khan. Okay, good movie. Star Trek 3,

Search for Spock. Good movie. Tank Girl. Good movie. The one with the whales. The one Chadner directed. Free Willy? No, that'd be Superman

for the boy chum. No, Star Trek. No, that's Star Trek. Superman, Star Trek. Shut up. You know what I meant. Yeah, I've seen most of the Star Trek. Star Trek with whales?

Yeah. They have to go save whales. That one's pretty fun. Oh, yeah. Star Trek is really dumb. That's the've seen most of Star Trek. Is it Star Trek with whales? Yeah. They have to go save whales. That one's pretty fun. Oh, yeah. Star Trek is really dumb. That's the time travel one. No, dude. It's good.

Listeners, I'm finally ready to formally announce I've started watching Deep Space Nine. Oh, wow. So you guys can tweet me any kind of things you have to say about Odo or anything like that, and we'll talk about it. If you could not tag me in that, that would be so good. You can tag Keith in pictures of Odo. I don't know what an Odo is, but I'm already mad. He's a shapeshifter, and he's the constable aboard the space station.

Everything about what you just said is the worst thing I've ever heard. No, it's great, dude. He turns into stuff and tricks people. I wasn't on board until he said the word constable. Then I was like, all right, I'm good. All right, this sounds old-timey. This sounds like fun. I can't wait until that soup kills you.

We're getting dangerously close to Connor having to eat soup. They've traced the nervation Back to the guys we fucked girls It's a podcasting coup I love the show I do listen quite often And every time the soup thing comes up It fills me with such blind rage Like walking around

What does he mean he doesn't fucking like soup How is that possible Plus he doesn't know what a broth is Do you not know what a broth is. Do you not know what a broth is? Well, it's going to happen. I know what a froth is, and you've worked yourself up into one. Am I right, guys? It's every, like, it is rage for him.

Like, I understand, like, I guess I half understand it, but it's the- Joe, your inner Jewish grandmother bubbles up. Yeah. It's like, what do you mean? How could you? I'm a broken man. How are you going to get over a flu without matzo balls soon? How are you going to do that? How are you going to do it? It makes no sense. Your inner Jewish grandmother bubbles up. Yeah. It's like, what do you mean? I'm a broken man. How are you going to get over a flu without matzo ball soup? How are you going to do that? How are you going to do it?

It makes no sense. There are starving podcasters in Africa who would love to have this soup. Look, my favorite soup is probably Gatorade. That's what I'm saying. Hot Gatorade. I do it with a spoon. Ooh, hot Gatorade. Nothing grosser than hot Gatorade.

That's unsettling. That sounds the worst. Hot orange Gatorade. Oh, wowling. That sounds the worst. Hot orange Gatorade. Oh, wow, dude. I don't like you. You always got the kind of twinkle in your eye of a 20s rapist. There's a real railroad tracks vibe from you, Joe. You're very just mischievous.

It's a boxcar fanny bandit. Sorry, man. No one's topping snowman ass disaster god we have so many episode titles already we haven't even done the joke off man i do get self-conscious about the that's the episode title joke because i feel like every podcast does that yeah but also whatever we do it better yeah it's kind of like it's kind of it's like the podcasting version of like i don't go down to where you work and slap the dick out of your mom's ass. Well, that's the episode title.

It's not going to fit on iTunes, which is good because then I have to cut out Joe's name from the future. Pat Barker, et cetera. Yeah, the show notes are unlimited. End the rest. Are tickets live for the Trans Lifeline show? No, not yet. All right, well, there will be a link to Joe's shit in the notes so you can find it. Hopefully.

Yeah. No, I will. I mean, by the time this comes out, hopefully there will be a link. Okay. Dude, if trans people don't have a lifeline, then we're going to lose three very dedicated listeners. Yeah. Genuinely, some of our most committed people are trans people with guns.

That's our fan base. Wow. I know. It's very confusing. Yeah. It's a lot of like, I'm a socialist juggalo. I have a Deadpool face tattoo. I work in an oil rig.

I'm married to a tree, and I can't wait to see you guys in Detroit. One of my favorite interactions between two fans on Facebook the other day was one is like a trans lady, and she was talking to this motorcycle guy from Sacramento about explaining the concept of an electricity fetish and what a violet wand is. I'm like, we are bringing terrifying people together. Whoa. Yeah. Wow, that's beautiful. We're providing a service for a community.

That is terrifying and beautiful. I look at the charts on SoundCloud, and it just says, yeah, it's basically the waiting room at Labor Ready. It's your audience. I like how for this Sacramento guy, it's like, come for the gay bashing, stay for more understanding of why you shouldn't be gay bashing. That's the whole thing, man. That's pretty great. Satire. Sure, why not?

You're fucking tricking a bunch of close-minded people to come in here and you're opening their world. That's exactly what we do, man. It's a beautiful thing. I like to think of us as kind of like a middle man between school shooters and you know like something bad. Like I feel like we catch them.

School shooters and something bad. I feel like if you're at risk for being a school shooter and you find mean boys it'll resonate with you and then you won't shoot a school. You know you'll just like start a terrible band. Yeah, that's all we want. Yeah.

We want more bad metal and less dead kids. It's like, here's the box at school shooters. It's like, you can either go, like, 4chan, Jordan Peterson, fucking Mean Boys, and you're like, no, these guys, I mean, that Tom guy is pretty funny, and then, you know, bada bing, bada boom, I've saved thousands of lives. The only way to stop a bad guy with a gun Is a good Tom With a concussion Well I was gonna Shoot up special ed But I didn't want to

Kill my next favorite Podcaster Alright Should we do The goddamn joke off Yeah we talked For like 15 minutes Alright guys

I got a pretty great Mexican joke Out of this week The city of Malibu Has banned plastic Straws and utensils If they banned all plastic Everybody everybody would have to move out. Am I right, guys?

Guys, come on. My headphones cut out, so I couldn't hear. Oh, you missed all the cold. I heard every word. Are they back? Yeah, half. Yeah. They're going to work.

You got to wiggle the one in the ear. They're going to work as well as they're going to work. Studio suite, everybody. Oh, that's so much better. Oh, no, because Keith's not using the studio cord. He lost the magical studio cord. That's right, I did. I'm using an inferior product.

He's using an aftermarket aux cord. Yeah, that's no good. All right. If I just made that the episode title, the most boring one. Aftermarket aux cord. Yeah, yeah. Or you just called it episode 117.

Yeah. A drag queen in Boston pushed a stalled truck out of a snowbank. The driver thanked the queen Before re-tying her To the rear bumper Oh my god After all that talk

About secret wokeness I love that video Oh it's so good That was great That was real fun Yeah it's this dude Dressed as Elsa From Frozen

And then just fucking Pushes a truck Out of a snowbank With these big Beefy queen arms That's pretty awesome Yeah it was awesome It was That was really I the the curtsy he did in the end like everyone in the bar is like going fucking wild yeah yeah and he just oh you guys like presenting

his beautiful yeah he has to bore us with please proceed no i'm i'm excited that uh i had to work on short notice this week because now I can do the Connor thing where I explain why every joke is going to be trash before it actually is. The McSpadden special. So I wrote this an hour ago in my car. Toys R Us has announced they will be going out of business. Their remaining assets

include over 700,000 unused video games. GameStop has valued the assets at $4.50. That's great. Damn, that is not a reference point I expected out of you. Yeah, I was shocked by Pat's GameStop. I didn't have many video games, but then when I tried to sell them, I got

infuriated by how little GameStop wanted to give me. Yeah, that was always a nightmare. Here's a quarter. Anywhere where they're like, we'll buy your shit always fucks you up. Going to GameStop really feels like haggling at a Middle Eastern bazaar where they're like, we'll buy your shit always fucks you up. Like, a gunning game shop really feels like haggling at, like, a Middle Eastern bazaar. They're just like, you give me three parrots, you get one banana. And I'm like, okay.

I remember one time I was trying to, do you remember, what was it called? Not Warehouse, but there was, like, a place where they would buy your DVDs and, like, CDs and stuff. And I went to one. I had, like, a whole box of shit. They wouldn't buy any of it or they offered me, like, $3 for, like, $400 worth of DVDs. So I just sat across the street and just sold them out of a fucking milk crate. I had a whole box of shit. They wouldn't buy any of it or they offered me like $3 for like $400 worth of DVDs. So I just sat across the street and just sold them out of a fucking milk crate. I made like $40. And people were like, we can't call the cops because you're not technically on our property.

Oh, that's awesome. That's great. You worked at GameStop? No. Oh, okay. No, no. I would just go. I would just do a lot of trying to finagle.

Like, oh, I want this. So I'm going to go trade in all these things. That was always the worst. It's like, well, they're only giving me $20 for Halo Reach, so I've got to choose between the new Call of Duty or a Little Caesars pizza. That happened to me in college. I spent $140 on a book, and then

two days later dropped the course, and they would only give me $12. I kept it out of principle, so if any listeners are looking for Intro to Accounting 2, I got you covered. $12 is – like it would be better if they gave you nothing. Nothing. Yeah.

$12 is such a disrespectful amount. Yeah. It's amazing. Yeah, no. Go fuck yourself. How about I slap you with my dick? How about that? Do they put on a bra for you and then tuck it into it?

That was very rude. How about I get you a giant condom that you could wrap around that textbook and then shove it up your ass? Like, good luck out there. I did like how it was essentially like a finance book, and I was learning a very important lesson on depreciation. Yeah, you got a real good intro to accounting there. I did. I learned economics on the streets. Yeah, 140 minus 128 equals fuck you, Pat.

And after several unsuccessful tries to trade it for chicken tenders, he was forced to keep it as a souvenir. We'll count for food. All right, Joe. Oh, boy. Okay, here's my caveat. These were all written over a heaping bowl of sad Oreo-Os. So here we go. I didn't know they made those anymore.

The gayest of soups. You're thinking of Fruity Pebbles? Oh, duh. Just to get back to the soup thing for one second, I feel like the ultimate torture would be to give him a gazpacho or something. Somebody suggested gazpacho. I think it's got to be hot soup. It's got to be soup classic.

We're trying to get him to admit that he might like soup. Why would I eat the secret police? I'm a big fan of their work. I think they do good things. No, I want to give them the most upset. I want lukewarm canned clam chowder. Oh, no. That's upsetting.

Here's what I always say. I'm purchasing the soup. I'm going to get a nice version because, hey, everyone wants me to like soup, so maybe I will. No, we have never discussed this. Yeah, we have. Here's the thing. I saw it on the podcast before. I want him to like soup, so maybe I will. No, we have never discussed this. Yeah, we have. Here's the thing. I saw it on the podcast before.

I want him to like soup. I genuinely want to. He's not gonna on principle. And I want you to go to heaven, but there's not a lot of things. Sometimes. We're gonna fight one day. It's not because you're gay, it's because you're a Jew. Yeah, there you go.

Oh, you're Jewish? Yeah, don't let this Aryan nose fool you. My nose has gotten hooky in recent years. It's karma. It's karma. I used to have a nice straight nose, and then lately it's just been fucking... I'm thinking about getting a nose job.

You're just turning into the Gargamel you were supposed to be. Yeah. My girlfriend likes... She's like, I like a hooked nose. I'm like, I don't. I really am considering it. If you get a nose job, I'm going to bust your balls until you die.

I don't care. I'm going to be beautiful. Because you have a real good old-fashioned clit buster. With that hook you have. You keep that. What do you know about clit busting? Many female friends who tell me how many... you know two-hand sam gets a ton of pussy what is this literally one of my closest friends in college the her three biggest celebrity crushes were like adrian pinocchio no it's like adrian brody um mr potato head owen wilson and uh

i want to say Jason Schwartzman. And I was like, why? She's like, they have giant noses. I don't know what it is. I love giant noses. I was like, yeah, because they definitely rub on your clit, right? She's like, yeah, I guess that is it, isn't it? And I'm like, yeah, yeah.

I will say I was talking to a friend of mine recently. She did say she was fucking a dude with a big nose. And that was like an unexpected bonus. This is like a real thing, apparently. Oh, okay. Yeah. Now I know that because if a dude with a big nose eats my asshole, it feels good because that big nose is pushing up on that perennium.

On the grundle. Yeah. It was the grundle. Friends with the grimace. Anyway, here's my joke. Do they know each other? Here's my terrible joke. Okay.

A new trend has started where people are getting their fingers pierced instead of buying wedding rings and thus continues the rich tapestry of white nonsense. Wait, what? Yeah. It was like- I kind of think that's fun. It was like piercings in parts of their fingers. Oh, like those sub-dermal things?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So you have like a one weird reptile finger? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah. reptile finger? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah, no, fuck that a lot. I gotta admit, it looked kind of cool, but I couldn't help but make fun of it. That way you'd know if you ever finger popped somebody else and you're cheating.

You're like, look for that bitch who's walking funny outside the scene. All right, guys. Coca-Cola admitted that Dasani water is contaminated with plastic. In response to the news, Dasani has been named the official beverage of Malibu. You doubled down

on your terrible plastic joke. That's actually pretty good. A farmer was arrested after police found over two dozen decaying horse corpses on his property. Included in the following was everybody's favorite talking horse, Mr. Dead. Oh, nice, dude. It's like Mr. Ed.

Yeah, you get it. Hell yeah. Things rhyme. OJ Simpson said that Colin Kaepernick should not have disrespected the flag and should have done something less divisive, like organizing a march or decapitating two people. I know that's a simple joke, but I think it's fucking hilarious that we've forgiven OJ again. I don't know that we have. No, him and Mike Tyson get a... Mike Tyson's a convicted rapist who's in the fucking Hangover movies.

Well, Mike Tyson did his time. A, he did his time, and B, he's also publicly been removed. You know what I mean? Yeah. You do the crime, you gotta do the time. Yeah, exactly.

My brother taught me that. Here's how little we give a shit about OJ at this point. He literally confessed in 2006 on television and then that tape just came out. Did you see that, by the way? Did he really cut their heads off? It's pretty gnarly.

It's borderline. Yeah, he fucked them up real good. In one of the documentaries they show pictures that are haunted. That tape is gnarly because he's laughing while he's describing brutally murdering people. My favorite part was he made sure to say, this is all hypothetical. I'm laying all this out how it hypothetically would have happened. And then she asks.

He gets what hypothetically is. He's doing it in that ironic, jokey way when you'd be asking for a friend. Right, but then the woman asks. He's talking about buying a dildo and not killing two people. She's like, was the gate unlocked or broken? And he goes, you know, I can't recall. It's like, it's hypothetical, dickhead. Make something up.

If they would have bought a dildo, I mean, maybe they wouldn't be in this whole mess. Or maybe he would have stabbed her to death with a dildo. I'm just picturing the psycho music while it's just going, ploom, ploom, ploom, ploom. Ow. What did OJ? You goof. You pest. Just tap, tap.

Like a terrible, like, fucking fairy godmother wand? Yeah, yeah. Keep making dildo noises. Wow, that was a pretty good insertion sound. Thank you. All right, you're up. I am the human foley artist. All right, Joe, give me windshield wipers.

Wait, hold on. That was just a dildo going into a really loose pussy. I can hear it in my head. It's like very... All right, you're walking up the stairs. Walking up the stairs. I can't. You're dildoing.

He knows dildos and that's it. Dildo specific. You open a big old door. All right, there's a guy getting fucked with a dildo in there. There we go. Bring it back to the greatest dance. That's lightning striking outside because it's a spooky house. I don't know.

That's like some... The dildo lost reception? Yeah. Oh, that don't feel good. It's Tom getting fucked with a dildo. Oh, I don't don't. Oh, man. It's all the way. Oh, it's not all the way. Oh, geez. It's all the way

Oh it's not all the way Oh jeez Is it all the way now Oh man This thing's very long It feels like it's in the back of my head Yeah it's like It's like I'm getting fucked

By the last Lord of the Rings Cause I keep thinking It's gonna end And then it doesn't Yeah it's like the movie Funny People It's like Cloud Atlas Just millions of people

We're all the same Everyone's inside me Jesus Christ Man I'm never gonna top My trans lifeline show Alright here we go A man claiming to be A time traveler

From the year 6491 Said he's here to reveal What planets humans Will be living on In the future Unfortunately he never Got around to it Because everyone

Wouldn't stop asking him If Rick and Morty Ever came back. Dude, you don't even really get it like I do, man. You don't understand. It's about nihilism,

the coolest philosophy. All right. A man beat another man with a tire iron over a gym battle in Pokemon Go. The victim is recovering and is expected

to get facial reconstruction surgery and move to Malibu. God damn it. Wow. I'm so upset at what's happening here. It's only three of them. This is human traffic all over again.

Oh, yeah. Human traffic was pretty good. All right. Oh, no. It was sex traffic. Oh, sex traffic. Whatever. Same difference.

Yeah. Tomato to victim. Oh, wow. Six people are dead after a bridge collapsed in Miami. Engineers blame the structural failure on cheap labor, bad planning,

and Rick Ross attempting to walk across it. Rick Ross was laid up for a minute. Wait, what? He was in the hospital. Oh, was he? Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, there were all these rumors that he died. Yeah. It was like super sad. Have I told my Rick Ross story on the show? I guess he had a being fat-itis. I watched,

when I was in Miami one time, I just watched a limo pull up to a club. He gets out in flip-flops in a tank top and just goes, just standing up. I'm like, oh, man. Did the city hold a moment of Dalai for the victims? All right.

What would it sound like? Rick Ross getting fucked with a dildo. Oh. It's just going to be the same. Every day I'm butt-fucking. Every day I'm butt-fucking, butt-fucking. Is it every day I'm butt fucking up Every day I'm butt fucking Butt fucking Is it Every Day I'm Hustling Rick Ross

Yeah That's like the one Rick Ross song I know Oh Yeah I like the deep cuts I like that I know that And I know his verse on Monster

And that's about it Yeah I'm thinking about what it would sound like There'd probably be some like A lot of like Like sounds A lot of billowing Not necessarily f like a lot a lot of like like sounds you know like not necessarily farts but like the sound of like no once a lot of ass up against each other pockets of trapped

flesh once you got like three inches dick uh three inches deep you hear his pacemaker start clicking sounds like a horse galloping yeah yeah uh it's gonna be really bad. I wrote it at a Wendy's 45 minutes ago. Where he lives with his wife and kid. Pat lives in a Wendy's. It's the most believable thing I'm going to say. I've converted a Wendy's into a home. A Cirque du Soleil show in Florida ended tragically when a performer fell to his death. It's the biggest tragedy at a circus since a tiger snapped at that Siegfried and Joe Kay show.

That's why you asked me. I was kidding. Here's what I'm imagining. The French fryer has been turned into a baby Bjorn for Pat's young son. He's just lazy. And he's jiggling the little handle, trying to get him to stop crying.

Then how am I going to eat French fries? You turn the ice cream machine into a French fry. Cut to like you're driving somewhere. This is a very long drive. You're driving somewhere. You look in the back seat. You see a thing of French fries in the car seat. You're like, wait, but that means.

Sizzle. Here we go. All right. Queen Elizabeth apparently has a secret speech in case World War III ever happens. When analyzed by local reporters, the speech appears to be just the lyrics to OK Go's Here We Go Again.

I hope it's her on those treadmills. Yes, that's exactly what I pictured in my brain. OK Go is like the king of MySpace music. I remember... Did I ever tell you guys about the video I had on the front page of MySpace? No. I made a stop-motion movie when I was 14 where I taped a skateboard to my feet, and I'd jump, and I'd take a picture from the video of me at the apex of the jump,

so it looked like I was riding a hoverboard, kind of. And yeah, I made that video, and I was on the front page. So I got 30,000 views and a bunch of comments of people calling me gay on MySpace. In like 2009. Ah, the good old days. Yeah, it was fun. Anyway, a former spy living in... Take two.

A former spy living in England was poisoned by a Russian nerve agent. At the scene, the coroner said, His face is so pumped full of chemicals, we ought to bury him in Malibu. You sack of shit! I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. Oh, you're not. I know you're not.

I'm not going to do it anymore. What would I do? I know you got one more. I think you drummed the tables hard. You broke everything. A 20-year-old woman smoked laced crystal meth and clawed her eyes out, saying they were a tribute to God. When reached for comment, God said, I mean, sure, most people just do cash, but these

are fine, I guess. Technically, that just feels like re-gifting something they gave you. Yeah. The only female African president announced her resignation after she illegally spent campaign fund money. International political correspondent Dice Clay said we shouldn't rush to judgment, adding, What if the money was for something good, like a new set of tits and some sandwich ingredients? Go! You know what's so funny?

I literally made a point this week. I'm like, I'm not going to do another Dice Clay. You know what's so funny? I was all morning doing everything in my power to attempt to write an Andrew Dice Clay. I really was. I was like, oh, I got to figure out something. I was like, Coroner Andrew Dice K. Andrew W. Clay.

That's the only reason I agreed to come here. I abandoned my family so I could get off a Dice Clay joke. I've abandoned my boy! The french fries in the car seat. There will be high blood pressure. It looks like a sack of just russet potatoes, but it is filled all the way up with french fries. And Pat slings it over his shoulder, but it is filled all the way up with french fries. And Pat

slings it over his shoulder, throws it down to the kitchen table. He's like, I drink your milkshake and then they take my foot. Pat sleeps in a nest of french fries. He's made a whole bird nest of french fries.

Joe? Okay. Roast battle money was good. I have a ketchup jacuzzi. nest of french fries okay uh uh roast battle money was good i have a ketchup jacuzzi look over here enjoy the ranch bidet free of charge okay

ranch bidet is definitely a drag queen name yeah ladies and gentlemen please welcome to the stage the incomparable ranch bidet for sure just like oh she's thick and creamy anyway a drag queen name. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the stage the incomparable Ranch Bidet. Oh yeah, for sure. Just like, ooh, she's thick and creamy. Anyway, the Museum of Failure has officially opened

in Los Angeles, containing exhibits featuring failed products from the past, including Crystal Pepsi, Colgate Beef Lasagna, and my attempts at staying in the closet past 15. I just assumed that was going to turn into a slam on us. I was 100% sure you guys were headlining the grand opening or something. Yeah, it's got bad audio network t-shirts hanging on the walls.

When I'm here, I like to be vaguely nice. I like to be the nice foil to the mean boys. We need somebody either kind or dumb in the fourth chair. And the dumb one is gone. Yeah, we had a nice foil, but then Keith's mom smoked out of it. She likes drugs. Alright, throw another fucking Malibu joke.

I'm not going to do another Malibu joke. Alright. I feel like you're going to, though. No, man. Why would I do that? It was already so bad the first four times. News reports state that North Korea has nuclear weapons that can reach central europe the resulting blast would give france a tan so bad you would think they're straight out of my mouth

i'm so mad at you i'm gonna throw myself in front of the fucking train on the way home like i'm here's what happened is i could only think of that first one about the plastic utensils and i was just like what if i just do it four more times? Just quintuple down. Oh my god. I saved my worst one for last. A new study claims that issues with sexual orientation are the leading cause of suicide in college students. Coming in at a close second

is the realization that a college degree is worth nothing. No. In Malibu. Nice. This one's going to be bad. I wrote it while Keith was telling his last joke. in Malibu nice this one's going to be bad I wrote it while Keith was telling his last joke Malibu Pat Barker has

all three buttons of the McDonald's polo shirt unbuttoned I live in a Wendy's I'm not going to rep the competition he's wearing a straw hat that's interwoven from you guessed it French fries United Airlines United Airlines competition. He's wearing a straw hat that's interwoven from, you guessed it, French fries. United Airlines United Airlines has come under fire

after a dog died when they stored it in the overhead bin. On the plus side, by flying United, the family was able to escape Spirit's $60 dead animal cleanup fee. Hey, speaking of dogs, have you guys ever heard the story about Keith Not doing it again. I have. Yeah, everyone's heard it. Have you ever heard it? No. Oh, no. There's a story about Keith? Not doing it again. I have. Yeah, everyone's heard it.

I haven't. Have you ever heard it? No. Oh, no. There's a story about Keith and a dog? You fuck. You know exactly what you're doing right now. Go back to any of the last five episodes and find out.

I'll be honest. I don't know if Pat knows, and I think it's a funny anecdote. I watched a lady fuck a dog. Oh. On a video. On a video. That's troubling. Yeah.

I know. Here's the thing, though, Keith. I could probably tell that story at this point. It's troubling. Here's the thing though, Keith. I could probably tell that story at this point. It's not a complex story. I don't want to tell it. I just wanted to know if Pat had heard it before. Oh no, I'd heard it. You had his attention at In-N-Out.

The dog was flying United to come visit the new girl I'm dating and now it's dead. So there you go. I thought that was where that was going. I was disappointed. I don't know why I didn't think of it. All right. Malibu Stacy, you have the floor.

Yeah, sure. I got one more for you. So a mutant pig was born with an elephant trunk in Thailand. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Something, something. Keith and Tom love child. Blah, blah. Motherfuckers.

I hate this show. I love Dr. Baroque. He's a character. Christ on a bike. The Mean Boys podcast will be right back. Hello, ladies and gentlemen. It's me, the ghost of Stephen Hawking. You know me as a world-famous astrophysicist, and for having a body that looks like it was

drawn by a drunk four-year-old. As you are aware, I recently passed away. I was surprised to discover that my soul did not simply cease to exist, as I had previous expected. Nor did I find myself in any of the afterlife scenarios described by ancient human religions. No, rather, the essence of my being became one with the cosmos, and I found myself able to travel among the stars, and explore the deepest corners of the universe. Also, I still have turbomeningitis, or whatever my deal is, and that's why I still sound like this. I dedicated my life to the study of space.

And now, having experienced it firsthand, I have made a startling, humbling discovery. This shit is boring as fuck. Whole shit. It's so, so boring. Serious. I was excited for, like, five minutes, because I was all, like, Oh, cool, you're part of space. This is, like, your whole deal. But then, once the novelty wore off, it's just me looking at bunch of rocks where nobody lives. There's no aliens. I mean,

yeah, there's life, but it's all just weird bacteria, and vague fish. Not even like, an exciting fish, like a shark, or one of those, finding Nemo, bad guy ones with a spooky light on their head. Just boring ass space fish, dumb shitting around. Un. Fucking. Believable. An unfathomable amount of observable particles in the universe, and Earth is the only chunk of them that figured out how to make TV. And I know what you're thinking.

Sure, there's no life, but what about the majesty of unexplored space? Here's the thing. It all seemed way cooler when I was just guessing. The mister is gone now. It's like when you're first dating a girl, and everything is a mister. You wonder what little quirks, and details and beautiful imperfections she's got. And then ten years later, you're bored, and she's not wearing makeup anymore. That's what this feels like. I have married outer space, and outer space is shitting with the door open, and telling me to pick the kids up from soccer practice. Shits gay,

dude. It's just huge, and black and cold as ice, like cop. Oh, Steven, you get to see the stars. Yeah, I could see them from Earth. You know what else I could see on Earth? Pussy, dude. I've seen supernovas collapsing in on themselves, and wormholes where time and space disintegrate, and the universe becomes separated from itself, and I would trade them all to look at boob. Not even a good boob. Like, an boob. Bring me a substandard titty. I don't give a shit. Like one of those big old danglers you'd see on,

like, a fat lady, who works at Rite Aid. Here's a brief history of time, and I want to go home. Well, that's all from me. I guess I'll go see what the fuck Neptune is up to. Spoiler alert. Nothing. It's up to nothing. I... I sure hope I can die again. Oh, and the motherfucking Mean Boys podcast is back, doggies.

Speaking of doggies. God damn it, no! Is anyone here ever? My favorite part is when she wanted you to go to the rhythm of the dog. That's my favorite part. That's the funniest part of the story. That's what I'm saying. I've heard the story so many fucking times.

Yeah, I know, because he keeps making me tell it. Yeah. I'm not making you do anything. I just want to know if you care about being accommodating to our guests and their interests in your life. I'm going to be straight up with you. No. No, I don't care about anybody enough to tell just want to know if you care about being accommodating to our guests and their interests in your life. I'm going to be straight up with you. No. No, I don't care about anybody.

I don't have to tell this story again. Well, you know what? I'll never ask you to do it today anymore. Cut to tomorrow. Yeah, we've got to record tomorrow. Yeah, exactly. We've got Nicole Buchanan coming in. I don't think she listens.

She's got to know about this dog fucking. All right, guys. It's time to play one of our favorite games. Is this domain name taken? Ooh. Ooh. All right, guys. Discountorgans.com. Is that domain name taken? Oh, guys. It's time to play one of our favorite games. Is this domain name taken? All right, guys. Discountorgans.com. Is that domain name taken?

Oh, yeah. 100%. Discountorgans.com seems too legitimate. I feel like it's.blackweb or some shit. Like you're buying secret kidneys. But I feel like it might be, you know, discountorgans.com might be like a redirect to something else. They could be selling pianos. That's what I was thinking. I love that it took us so long to get to something else. They could be selling pianos. I was going to say, I love that it took us so long to get to pianos. We just assumed it was kidneys.

I was thinking there's two possibilities either. They're selling pianos or Ramsey bought it for a future. Now is not the time. I just can't imagine somebody buying a pipe organ and being like, well, but I need a good deal. Like at that point, you're an old timey vampire. You have money that you've accumulated through years of vampiring. I'm going to say this is fake. Years of vampire. Or not money that you've accumulated through years of vampiring. I'm going to say this is fake. Years of vampire.

Or not fake, but not taken. If you want a discount pipe organ, I'll give you Joe Kay's number. Am I right? Hey!

Cha-cha! All right, it is taken, and it is a website where... I guess nobody else gets to guess. I didn't get... I was going to guess

taken. I'm one for one. It looks to be a joke website because it's got a picture of both an organ and an organ. There are a fairly

large collection of organs from index fingers to uvulas, most of which were harvested from children. Yeah. Yeah. Okay.

I hope that's a joke. Yeah. It's like a bit. Okay. Not a great bit, but... All right. Ask.shop. Wait.

Did you say shop or chop? Shop. There's no.shop yet, despite my petitioning of the GoDaddy. I just assumed you could have a.whatever you want. No. No. Chop is the children's hospital of Philadelphia. I love the idea that there'd be an ass dot children's hospital.

400 children in Philadelphia are suffering from ass cancer. Seems low. 400 children in Philadelphia are actually put on a roast battle t-shirt, and they are Pat Parker. He's a Voltron of tiny flesh. I want to say it's taken because it's so basic, but what are you...

It's so simplistic that I'm like, how could it not be? Yeah, it's got to be. I mean, jizz.biz ended up being such a money cow. I feel like this has to be as well. I'm going to say... One of the greatest regrets of my life that I didn't buy jizz.biz when it was only $7,000 because after

telling everybody about it it shot up to like $12,000 and then somebody bought it. Yeah, you pumped up the market. Yeah, because I'm a fucking great marketer.

Ask.shop is taken. Yes, I agree. It's taken. Ask.shop is not taken. What? Get all jump on that. Is there anything

on jizz.biz yet? No, it's just one of these like spam link redirect pages. That's so lame. With a vague hand on a boob. Just a hand on a boob. This is attached to something fun, probably. Yeah.

A lady, perhaps? It's attached to a human female. Yeah. It's attached to a dog. All right, guys. Just a dog with one human tit? Yes. Oh, sweet.

What do you think I'm doing in my room all day? I'm experimenting. Trying to do something fun for the next live show. Okay, Connor McMangala, continue. Damn it, damn it, damn it. I was looking for a way into... Sexual homunculus. God damn it.

I was looking for a way in with a Mangala joke. I know you were. I'm fucking pissed. I can read you. Hey, this is your periodic reminder that Joseph Mengele lived to see Star Wars. That's the world you live in that you think is full of reason and grace. You think he saw that Star Trek with the whales? I hope so.

He's not as good as the last one. 911truth.clothing. Whoa. A lot of 911 truthers, and they do love their 911 truth merch. They do. Is it spelled out 911 or is or is it 9-1-1? 9-1-1. Okay.

9-1-1 truth. I want somebody else to take the lead on this one. I'm going to say that it's not taken. If ass.shop is not taken, 9-11 truth.clothing seems like a hell of a leap. Yeah, I got to feel like ass is a more marketable concept than jet fuel not melting steel beams. Yeah. I don't know. You probably haven't seen the YouTube videos I've seen. I'm gonna go against the grain. What's up? I'm gonna go against the grain and say yes.

You can pay with Bitcoin or loose change. I'm gonna say taken. Hey, no, it's not taken. Ah, shit. Okay. Alright, the next one. Oh, man, I'm very excited about this one. Whitepower.Africa. Ah! There's. Oh, fuck.

I mean. Wow. Oh, my God. I have two guesses. Number one, it's taken. And number two, the cops are coming. Yeah, the feds are going to show up if you go to that. Oh.

That's some real put some shit in the water supply and clear it out for the motherland shit. I'm going to say it's taken I didn't know.Africa was like an extension It is yeah There are a lot of them So yeah that's an extension I thought.Africa was just India As the owner of Butthole

As the owner of Butthole.Solutions I can tell you There's a bevy of options for your Do you really have Butthole.solutions, I can tell you there's a bevy of options for your online. Do you really have butthole.solutions? No, not yet. He has a whole list of domains to conquer. I'm waiting for a few checks to clear, and then I'm coming for it. The Alexander the Great of ill-advised comm jokes.

Yeah, what I wanted to do is since my name can be hard to spell, I wanted to have an easy web address to get out on a podcast. So I was going to get fart.lawyer, but then somebody bought it, and I got to think of something else funny to spell. I wanted to have an easy web address to get out on a podcast, so I was gonna get fart.lawyer, but then somebody bought it, and I gotta think of something else funny to get. Yeah. Fart.lawyer for a while redirected to Mean Boys because somebody bought it for us. Aw, that's cool. Yeah, it's kind of sweet. Yeah. Oh, he's let his domain

expire. Anyway, sorry. Motherfucker. Whitepower.africa is taken, and it's taken by some of the worst people on Earth. Yes. That's my prediction. All right. Whitepower.africa is, in and it's taken by some of the worst people on Earth. That's my prediction. All right. Whitepower.Africa is, in fact, taken. What is it? They have not set it up yet, but they have plans.

Oh, that's not good. Yeah. I tried to put any positive spin on this in my head. Yeah, there's literally nothing. This is not like Ask.Chop where it's like, oh, okay, maybe it's anything else. Maybe they're selling, like like colostomy bags and pictures of you or something. All right.

Signed 8x10s of Keith Carey on Ask.shop. All right, guys. Trump32.com. Taken, not taken. What do we think? Trump32? Yeah, Trump2032. Sorry. Oh. Look, if we get to 2032, I gotta figure... Dot com? Yeah. Yeah, that's got to be. Oh, you know, yeah. I wonder if we get to 2032, I got to figure. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah, that's got to be. Oh, you know, yeah. God, I wonder if it's for one of the kids. Like he's planning Barron's run. Ooh, yeah. Yeah. I think if, and if for nothing else, it's one of those things where like the campaign

Dude, Barron's run, what is he running from, a vacuum cleaner? Every combination of numbers up to like 4,000. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So that people can't make like things like that. The only thing we know for sure about Barron's run is that he has scissors facing up. Barron's run. He's holding a Teddy Graham and it just starts blinking. A little fucking dweeb. He tries to jump out the window of his homeschooling class.

I remember like I got yelled at a while back for making fun of Barron Trump online. And it's like I would have made fun of that kid even if he wasn't the son of Hitler because he's just a fucking dweeby kid. He's just the kid you wanted to see get pushed in school. Taking a bold stance against a child. I'm going to say it's taken. I feel like people roasted Chelsea Clinton and shit too. Anybody who's loosely attached to the White House. She was a butter all of it.

The amount of shit that they said about the Obama girls. Jesus Christ. That was insanity. The amount of... Every kid sucks. It's not my fault your shitty kid became famous. Well, Melina smoked a pot at Coachella. Oh, good. Well, then I hope she dies. Everyone is insane. If you ask me, that means that she did Benghazi.

Oh, it's... Cool. Is Uncle Benghazi anything we can do there where he sells rice? Oh, it's a... No, I... Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Cool. Is Uncle Benghazi anything we can do there where he sells rice? Microwavable disasters in the frozen foods aisle? Yeah.

Or Spider-Man's Uncle Benghazi? Yeah, I love... It's packets of rice that mysteriously disappear from the microwave by the time the smash campaign... With great power comes evading responsibility.

Gentle Benghazi, just a friendly suicide bomber bear. All right, guys. I like that we all ran out of steam at the exact same second. I was trying to save Uncle Ben with Gentle Ben. This is like a NASCAR race where everyone ran out of gas. We are going to sprint awkwardly and sweatily to the end. The Indianapolis 498. In a strange premonition,

I have ojinnocenceproject.com. Is that taken or not taken? Yeah, that has to be. It redirects to oj.merch, though. 100% taken. Yeah, it's not taken. And you know what? I have some work to do later.

Next one, bigwetelbows.com. Taken or not taken? Here's my problem with that. Big. Big is the problem word.com. Taking or not taking. Here's my problem with that. Big. Big is the problem word. I gotta figure if it exists. It's a guy fucking like the elbow crease right here. Like if you do like a Popeye muscle pose.

You could probably fuck that part of an elbow. It probably doesn't feel bad if you had a big wet elbow. With like Kyle Shire's arms, you could probably. I feel like that would feel terrible, actually. I feel like it would tickle. Me, the guy whose elbows are being fucked. I feel like a lot of weird vaguely gay stuff doesn would feel terrible, actually. I feel like it would tickle. I feel like me, the guy whose elbows are being fucked. I feel like a lot of weird, vaguely gay stuff doesn't feel great, but it's just a cool thing aesthetically. Yeah.

Have you ever had a guy fuck the crease in your knee? Oh, yeah. What? Not to that, to what Keith was saying. I've had somebody put their dick under the belly before. Oh, interesting. Yeah. Was he trying to keep it warm or something?

It was like he was hiding in a tauntaun. Yeah, yeah. I thought he smelled bad from the outside. Yeah, once he got the 7-Eleven hurricanes out of there. What, Big Wet Elbows? As Keith calls it, his portable microwave. BigWetElbows.com I want it to be real.

It's got to be real. It's taken. It's not taken. You guys, it's not taken. What? Oh, I'm sad now. If I could have had... What about regular size wet elbows?

If I had the business acumen to set that up as part of the Jizz.biz porn network. Itty bitty wet elbows. You want to see the best movie ever. Well, that's getting into some danger areas. Watch Hot Girls Wanted and there's this porn producer and he's just an idiot and he gets girls to fly out to florida from craigslist and he's just like a complete lunk and he's got a hat that says in all capital old english letters porn on it and he's just like yeah i drove a truck for like six years and now i'm now i'm like a like a like a big thousand there because i just make people fuck and um yeah i like sex at some point mean boys

is going to gradually just become a hardcore porn site like we're going to realize there's way more money in that every time i look for like mean boys on the internet like if you go far enough it's just like mean boy gets ass black oh yeah i've gone down the porn hub rabbit hole for games and realize yeah mean boy is a very popular uh porn. Yeah. Anyway, BalloonSluts.com. That's a fetish. People are like, oh, I want to pop a balloon with your butt. Yeah. Yeah.

Or it's just like big fat ladies. I was just going to say Balloon Sluts sounds like something in the gay community for like super fat dudes. No, here's what you do. You put like a straw in like a skinny girl's butt and you start like. And then you cut away and then you cut back and it's a fat porn lady. And you fuck her while she flies in the Macy's Day Thanksgiving parade. She just does the fucking Sherman clump in the middle of getting fucked. Hercules, Hercules. No, the Weird Al song Big starts playing.

You mean fat? Yeah, yeah. I'm big, I'm big. I'm really, really big. Oh, dude, have to tell me right now. You tell me once again. I'm big. So big.

Balloonsluts.com? Yeah, yeah. Is it.com or.biz? .com. That's got to be taken. That's very big. That's not taken I'm just saying every one of them is taken

It's a 50-50 shot I like this fucking Scantron logic you're putting on it I'm gonna say taken It's taken guys We got three more Come in my nose.com I don't see a lot of coming in noses This could be a spice website And it and it's cumin in my nose.

It's like a culinary thing. It's not. It's cum. We know it's cum. Well, yeah, it's like people, like, you cum in my eyes, cum in my mouth, cum in my butt, cum in my pussy. No one ever cums in the ears or the nose. It's such a trick shot. No one ever wants to cum in my feelings, you know?

No one's ever cum in my day. I'm saying there's like four holes in the body that don't get cummed in. Yeah. And I want to know why. But logistically, you're coming from a weird angle

to get in the nose? Have you seen the positions you're doing in porn these days? It's like landing a hole in one on like a par four. Well, no,

that's super easy. You just gotta like sort of like drape over the mouth, just aim it at it, and then just, you want to aim for the bridge, I think,

because then you get like a shotgun. Yeah, just like you're doing a sticky netty pipe. I'm gonna say something that I just know. You know, just aim it at it, and then just, you want to aim for the bridge, I think, because then you get like a shotgun blast. Like you're doing a sticky neti pot. I'm going to say something. You know, just like a, like a, like a, comey flo-naise. Blow-naise. This will bar me from ever

getting, like, this will be the thing that I will never, ever make money, ever, in my life for saying this. So, when, do you remember, okay, when you were kids, did y'all have, like, This is a bad start. Did y'all have, like, those things where you'd say, like, oh yeah, So do you remember, okay, when you were kids, did y'all have like... This is a bad start. Did y'all have like those things where you'd say like,

oh yeah, like, you know, there was Rusty Trombone and like the... Oh yeah, Dirty Sanchez. Jelly Donut and blah, blah, blah. The Angry Pirate. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So we came up with one

when we were at summer camp one year called The Olsen Twin, which was coming up a girl's nose. So, and then, oh wait, and then followed by... Wait, did you do it? Wait, wait, wait. And then followed by you throat fucker until she pukes like that we were monsters you come and then you throat fuck i feel like the

order of operations yeah was awful you gotta remember like 30 more seconds of hard like this is also like the order of operations remember we don't know penis erection muff dick ass sinuses these were we were 14 year old monsters and virgins we didn't know how shit worked right we were just like what could we say that's you're right i'm sorry to fact check yeah thanks ridiculous uh yeah there's a lot of bad ones man a strawberry cheesecake was yeah a real mean one. What was strawberry cheesecake? Come in her face and punch her in the nose.

Oh, that was shortcake. We also came up with the Russell Crowe where you fuck your girlfriend and then you just throw a phone at her. I like that yours are also like the shade at gossip items of 2004. That's the gayest straight crime you can devise. This one's called the Lindsay Lohan where you start off strong and then you go crazy. Well, that's when you kick her in the shin so she gets down on her knees. Wow. I am going to walk away.

You guys, please help out the trans lifeline. Hey, the Olsen twins ain't trans. Fuck them. Yeah. ComeInMyNose.com is taken. All right, we got one more. Miscarriagepro.com. I really regret saying that.

Oh, dude, I forgot. I was just going to say, I know why I was invited today. Yeah, I really did. I guess the not wanting to tell an embarrassing story from your past shoe is on the other foot now. Yeah, we'll cut that out. Don't worry about that. Sorry, I really will. It's okay. That. We'll cut that out. Don't worry about that. Sorry. I really will.

It's okay. That was not intentional in the least. I feel very bad. Oh, my God. I'm really sorry, man. I've never seen that. I would not do that on purpose. No, no.

It's fine. That's how little I think about it. I'm so glad I didn't make the worst faux pas. You know what's so funny? I thought of three of them, and I'm like, I'm not going to do it. I think we're retiring. We're putting that baby to bed. I mean, we killed your imaginary real baby earlier in a deep fire, but that's different.

Well, yeah. Now he has a place of rest inside of a Wendy's chicken sandwich box underneath the tree in the parking lot. All right, guys. Holy shit. Well, we got another one for the black file. Edit point here. these chicken sandwich box underneath the tree in the parking all right guys holy shit well we got another one for the black file yeah at a point here

you could leave it in can we yeah all right we'll we'll talk about it all right yeah and finally how much is Futurama dot sex

worth Futurama dot sex how much is it worth yeah yeah because there's a there's an active community of Futurama porn comics

yeah I'd fuck Fry he's really hot yeah yeah Fry's really hot he's an active community of futurama porn comics yeah i'd i'd fuck fry he's really hot yeah yeah fry's really hot he's dumb though yeah so what yeah i'm not trying to go to school with him i'm not doing it i'm not doing a group project with him we're not building a diorama do you not see how romantic and devoted he is to that one what's he gonna do get me pregnant like no i'm fine keith and fry you guys have to build your mission for your fourth grade project. And if you get an A, he gets to buttfucker. If you get an A, he gets the D. Oh. Oh.

Candidate's gay. Candidate's gay. More like Philip Gay Guy. Bender up and we know her. We are not taking Futurama Dice Clay. What have we become? I'm going to say it's – I think it's not taking because I feel like if you have Futurama dice clay. What have we become? I'm going to say it's... I think it's not taken because I feel like if you have Futurama as your web...

There's a copyright issue and Fox is going to fuck you up. Okay. Is the question how much is it worth? Yeah, the question is how much is it worth. How much was jizz.biz? Like $7,000. $7,000. Okay.

Futurama. Futurama.sex is worth $18. $2,500. We're really all over the board here. I'm going to go $5,000. Okay. $130. Oh!

Not that much. Still a lot. Yeah, too much and not enough all at once. Yeah, quite a bit. Still pretty cheap. I feel like this is like the flip or flop of the web. You could totally make your $130 back on Futurama.sex. Oh, totally, yeah. If you put a little bit of work

into it. I want to be like the casting couch guy, but for anime porn. I'll just bring in nerds and I'll be like, draw me something good. What if Peggy Hill had tentacles? I thought you meant a cartoon

version of the casting couch where Marge Simpson is undressing. We did that on this show you know it would be kind of a funny idea is you do like crank anchors for the casting couch where you just take the audio and have puppets reenacting you can still just call it crank anchors all right guys that is it for is this domain name taken uh i wasn't keeping score, so Pat wins. Thank you. Okay. That's fair.

Yeah, and we'll be right back, I guess. Oh, my God, guys. Studio headphones. What a product. I'm wearing mine right now, and they're comfortable. The sound is fantastic. There's a noodle-flat cord that refuses to tangle. Too flat.

I've tried to tangle this cord. It's untangleable. It can't be tanged. And you know what? I don't even need it because it's got amazing blue clues. Blue clues? Blue clues. Blue clues.

I want to watch blue clues. Blue clues. I like the studio. I like the listen to the blue clues. I sit down in my thinking chair with my studio. It's very of Connor Marty. See, the reason that sounded so distorted is because you aren't using studio headphones. Unless you are, in which case, shh.

In which case, it still sounded stupid. But that's not studio's fault studio is so good we will sound intelligent in your ear holes so go ahead and go to studio go to sweden yeah allow a sherpa to guide you to the top of the highest mountain where the headphone warehouse is for some reason. It's very inconvenient. Go to studioswomen.com. Use promo code MEANBOYS. M-E-A-N-B-O-Y-S. It's right there on the title of the podcast. Does anyone not know how to spell that? I don't know, man.

Get 15% off your purchase. I feel like the podcasts always spell out their promo code, even when it's really simple. But yeah, it's all one word. Go get yourself some headphones. I got some buds and other shit and corded headphones. And it's just good. It works. And you listen to your headphones every day.

Invest in yourself. You're worth it. You're beautiful. You're loved. And I really need the money. So go to studioswedent.com, promo code MEANBOYS. Mr. Ear approved, and thank you for that drawing from that one guy who drew Mr. Ears afoot. All right.

That's it. That's the ad. And the Mean Boys podcast is back, and it's time to play a round of one of our favorite games. I think we call it our favorite game. It's not our favorite game. It's just the one we're stuck doing. Yeah.

Well, it's time to play a round of it. Which of the following? Yeah. Hooray. All right, guys. This week's game comes to us From KMolson716 On Twitter That Caleb Olson

They write Hey Mean Boys I recently started Listening to the podcast I'm currently working My way through The back catalog Thank you

I'm a big fan of soccer Boo And I know that you guys Are not So I figured this would be The perfect round Of which of the following To make you hate

My favorite sport Even more If any of you ever do A show in the Twin Cities I'll be there for sure Fuck everything God is dead Signed Caleb

Thanks buddy Love to see you Out in the Twin Cities I'll be there for sure Fuck everything God is dead Signed Caleb Thanks buddy Nice man Love to see you out In the Twin Love Minneapolis Underrated city In my opinion

I've still never been It's nice Yeah It's comfortably urban But there's still like You know It's like It's a little spread out

You know You can go to the city And then Five minutes You're in the suburbs I didn't realize This is the most appropriate Witch of the Falling

Because it's the gayest sport And we have a gay guy In a sport Minneapolis has a mall With four Annie Ann's pretzels. You'd love it. That's what's going to sell me. I love that, though.

A multitude of pretzels. Wow, that is impressive. That's what Fat Jesus did is he made enough pretzels for everybody. Annie Ann can suck my dick, though. I'm a Wetzel's man. It's the same pretzel. Well, yeah. No, it's not the same pretzel.

Isn't that just like a Hardee's Carl's Jr. thing? No, dude, it's an Auntie Ann. No, because I've been same pretzel. Isn't that just like a Hardee's Carl's Jr. thing? No, dude, it's an Auntie Anne. No, because I've been to a mall with an Auntie Anne. An Auntie Anne is what you call a fat person that sold out fat culture. All right, guys, round number one. I thought that was an Uncle Omnomnom. Round number one, all body part edition. A, Fabian Assman.

B, Andre Muff. C. Ralph Minge. Or D. Daniel Woodcock. Andre Muff is that guy with the porn hat you talked about earlier. Which of the following is not a real name? Those last two are definitely real. Daniel Woodcock. Ralph Minge.

I feel like those are for sure. Is Austin Powers going to sure. Ralph Minge. Minge, I feel like those are for sure. Right. Is Austin Powers going to fuck you? Minge? And Ass Man is spelled like it sounds? Yeah, Ass Man. Like Seinfeld license plate Ass Man. Like Batman, but for asses. So stupid.

Oh, God. Like this. What was B again? Andre Muff. Yeah. I feel like that. That's my guess as well. I think Andre Muff is my guess.

Andre Muff. I know A is real because I bought his jersey on assman.shop. No, I also go with Andre Muff. All right, guys. A fake one. D, Daniel Woodcock. Whoa. That seemed too easy. Damn. All right, guys. A fake one. D, Daniel Woodcock. What? That seemed too easy.

We're dealing with a good gamesman here. Round number two, he writes Cher Edition. I don't know. C-H-E-R or S-H-A-R? C-H-E-R. Oh, shit. Nice. Here we go.

This will be fun. All right. A, Isco. B, Hulk. C, Brick. D, Pepe. Oh, because they all got one name. Oh, okay.

I thought these were Cher songs. I was like, I never... I was like... I was like, was Cher in Ben Folds 5? Because I heard Brick. All right, say these one more time. We got Isco, Brick. Wait, no.

Isco, Hulk, Brick, Pepe. Pepe's got to be real. Yeah. With the amount of South America that's into soccer, one of them's just got to straight up just be Pepe. One of them has to be a racist frog. Hulk and Brick both seem too aggressive for a sport this fey. I feel like you can't be the Hulk and not use your hands.

I'm fucking Tommy Rampage. I'm trying not to bump my shins into another guy. I'm trying to think of the logic behind the nicknames. Why would you call a soccer player a brick? Is it because you kick the ball so hard it's like a fucking brick? I think brick is a goalie and it's like a brick wall and you can't get past him. That's fair.

That's my thought. So I'm going to say Hulk is the fake one. I'm going to say Pepe. And what was the first one? Because Pele is like the most famous soccer player of all time. So some guy's like, we'd love to call you Pepe, but it's bad SEO. Did you mean Pele is like the most famous soccer player of all time. So you think this is just a riff on Pele? So some guy's like, we'd love to call you Pepe, but it's bad SEO. What do you mean, Pele? That is a good thing.

I thought Pele was the guy. I think I'm going to go with Pat on this one and say Pepe. Okay. I think you changed my mind on that. That's smart. The fake one is Brick. God damn it. No way.

When in doubt, just assume there's no soccer player named Brick. He got the nickname Brick because in Latin America, they're very homophobic. He's a gay soccer player. They named him after what they throw at him. Absolutely. Dude, some of the soccer games get fucked up racist. They'll throw bananas at black guys. It's very rude.

A buddy of mine used to have a joke about that where he was talking about how they're throwing bananas, but nobody's bringing bananas from home, so the idea of a racist banana salesman in the parking lot. Bootleg produce. Whose joke is that? Shia Carey. Oh, that's hilarious.

All right. Round number three. Fuck edition. A. UA fucks spelled F-U-C-H-S. Okay. B. Argelico fucks just spelled like the word fuck.

You know Argelico fucks. C. Milan fuckle. F-U-C-K-A-L. Or D, Gabriel fuck it. Fuckle. How is that spelled? F-U-C-K-I-T. Honey fuckle.

God damn it. Shit. Gabriel fuck it just sounds like a placeholder name. Like if you're writing a script and you can't come up with a last name. Yeah, it's like Johnny Protagonist and Gabriel Fuck It. Right. F-E-L-C-H-I-N-G Felching.com I was doing the

Priceline thing, but with Felching. I was going to do Fucking, but that felt a little boring. Yeah. Can you run them one more time? You guys are playing the game. I'm offering my own little world and using myself. Okay, so we got UA fucks. You know Argelico fucks.

Milan fuck all. Or D, Gabriel fuck it. I'm going to say Argelico is real because that is a wild ass name. That is a broken scrabble board of a name. Argelico's a dope name, man. That is wild. I would fuck a guy named Argelico. He's going to be good to me and he he's gonna have the perfect amount of facial hair.

No, Argelico's gonna give you like a night of like sweaty Latin passion and then never call you again. You're gonna marry a man and then 30 years from now still be pining for the touch of Argelico. Argelico sounds like one of the characters that fucks on the Futurama website. Argelico is

like the fucking version of Freddy Krueger where he just like makes you blow loads in your dreams. Argelico I think is like what they call Arco in Peru. It's gonna be Argelico is like the fucking version of Freddy Krueger where he just like makes you blow loads in your dreams. Argelico I think is like what they call Arco in Peru. Argelico. They charge you

35 cents to be Argelico. It sounds like a fancy bird is really what it sounds like to me. Yeah, yeah. I think Argelico

is the fake one. All right. I think the first one. I think this might be one of the, like a fake out and like the only one that's not spelled traditionally is the fake one.

Yeah, that's a good game theory. I'm going to go fuckle. All right, guys. The fake one. Gabriel, fuck it. Damn it. God, we are all over fucking all of it. Yeah, man.

This is a good game. Well done, guy. All right, number four. This is the only time I've ever enjoyed soccer. Right? Yeah, round number four is banging. A, Gene Gaylord. B, Dean Windass.

C, Stefan Kuntz. Or D, Danny Shitu. Oh, my God. That is good. So, Gaylord. That is a spicy podcast, everybody. Gaylord. Windass. Windass. Kuntz. Sh is a spicy podcast. Gaylord. Windass.

Windass. Cunts. Shitoo. Shitoo. Dean Gaylord. S-H-I-T-U? S-H-I-T-T-U. T-T-U.

Okay. Shitoo. Shitoo. Is that a kind of dog that Joe can buy? Because I think he wants to. It's like a shitoo. It's a dog that can only live in a man's purse. You're like, that one's real.

I buy a soccer player with the last name of Windass but not the first name of Dean. So that's the one I'm going with. I'm going with Dean Windass. Dean Windass sounds like the bad guy principal from like an 80s college movie. It's like the diary of a wimpy kid principal. We gotta throw the best party ever

and show Dean Windass we belong at this school. The villain of Superfudge has started playing soccer. Number four was Superfudge. I'm just thinking about like a horribly ill chihuahua that's being kept alive

by an iron lung that's shaped like a white woman's purse. Yokiro, the release of death. What's the spelling on cunts? K-U-N-T-S. Cunts.

K-U-N-T-Z. Cunts is the fake one. All right. Yeah, wait. Then I'm going to go with cunts. The fake one. Gene Gaylord. What?

I have to say, in true soccer fashion, we're through four rounds and nobody's scored a point yet. It's a scoreless tie and we're almost done. Well, I thought cunts was fake because there's a scoreless tie and we're almost done. Well, I thought cunts was fake because there's a baseball player named Rusty Cunts. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Cunts.

Oh, it's cunts, bro. Like, whatever. He can tell me whatever he wanted to be. Yo, you go on your fucking grammar podcast and do that bullshit. Yeah, it's pronounced Vaz. Shut up. This is America. You're Rusty Cunts.

It's pronounced the bro-ed. Oh, God. I've never wanted to choke anybody more than when the lady at the bro-ed was like, it's the bro cunts. Pronounce the brode. Oh, God. I've never wanted to choke anybody more than when the lady at the brode was like, it's the brode. I asked him outside. I really die screaming. Yeah, I was like, is it called the brode? I don't want to embarrass myself inside the place in front of all the broads. I just want every one of my New York relatives to come visit me so I can take them to that museum.

And they go, hey, it's nice to be at the broad. Yeah, we're at the me. The funniest part about that joke is Joe's family still talking to him. What a crazy world that would be. I hope you actually have a good relationship with your family. I was going to say, my family loves me unlike yours. I have a very healthy relationship with my father. Thank you very much.

My mom listens to every episode of the podcast and she will often text me about it after she's done so well mrs mcspadden you are a beautiful person and you have raised a very questionable child i'm siding with connor's mom until your dad joins our patreon oh my god or a kiss tribute band use oh my god if he figured out how to use fucking Patreon Oh Jesus Christ It says you donated $100 a month to whitepower.africa Joe's dad is creating Facebook rants About you know what

Yeah, I bought the domain name for curemyson.biz. Well, I guess you could say I'm doing, I guess you could call it a gay fun, me. It's the best one. Now, I've been electrocuting Joe on and off without his knowledge for decades now. Wow, that makes sense. All I had to do was put a 9-volt battery inside a Wonder Ball, and he was... You'd think after the first one he would have figured it out. But that boy loves chocolate.

That's part of the problem, by the way. There's two things that I'm here to be is gay and dumb. Nice and dumb. That's what I'm here... Nice and dumb. And gay.

You're a lot of stuff, Joe. I'm a little... Joe, you're here to be... I'm a triple threat. Nice, gay, and dumb. You're here to be you, which is the best thing you could possibly be.

Wow, thanks. I am... We are free to be you and me. Round number five. All real or all fake. A. Yaya Banana. B. Danny Invincible.

C. Danger Fourpence. Or D. Credence Clearwater Quauto. Okay, no. Shut the fuck up. If these are real, I'm burning down South America. Yeah. Like, no.

My buddy, I want to say his name was Pedro, but I could be wrong. It was someone with a P and an O. Okay. He was my friend. Yeah. He was my friend

in freshman year of high school from Peru. And he's like, in Peru, we just love American movies and they don't really understand you don't just name like that. So he's like, you'll just meet a guy whose name is Jesus Batman in Peru.

I saw a picture of some dude's passport. I think it was from Peru, and his name was Superman Batman. That's crazy. He had the guy, and he was just like, yeah, my buddy, Travis Goku or whatever. That rules. I think Creedence Clearwater is a giveaway that these are all fake, and he doesn't expect us to be big CCR fans. So that's my guess. Did you guys know the CCR dudes are from San Francisco?

They just make fake accents to be like, whoa, we're country. If, in fact, they are all fake, that last one is the moment where the serial killer slips up and leaves one too many clues for the police. Like he's doing so well. It was intentional. Like that is Kevin Spacey with his hands covered in blood walking into the police station. Here's a secret round six. What's in the box edition? The blood was from the asshole of a 14-year-old boy.

Oh, shit. Sorry. Oh, wow. Preston is waiting for you out in the parking lot. He's going to need medical attention. I think we're all fake. I'm going to go. Yeah, I's going to need medical attention. I think we're all fake. I'm going to go all fake. I don't doubt that the Credence Clearwater is a thing,

but I doubt that anybody who adopted that name could be as successful as a soccer player, so fake. Okay. What are you saying, Joe? I say all fake. Those are all real, guys. God damn it.

A zero rounder. God damn, dude. The most soccer-ass thing ever. One more real, guys. God damn it. A zero rounder. God damn, dude. That's the most soccer-ass thing ever. One more time, then. Creedence Clearwater Quouto. Quouto. Who is Anakin's boss. Wait, Quouto?

Creedence Clearwater Quouto? Yeah, I mean, look at him. Here's his fucking picture. From Total Recall? Here's his fucking picture. He is a soccer guy. Yeah. Yeah, that just looks like a soccer-ass soccer dude.

He's best known for his unusual name, which is featured in many articles on extravagant sporting birth names. His parents were big fans of the American rock band Creedence Clearwater Revival. Yeah, don't say. Yeah, yeah. Wouldn't it be funny if they never heard of CCR? It was just a coincidence. Well, talk about an unfortunate son. Am I right, guys?

Bang! Bang! Bang! Who sent it in? What's his name? Creedence Clearwater. No, no, no. The guy who sent it in. What's his name? Calebence Clearwater. No, no, no. The guy who sent it in.

What's his name? Caleb Olsen, I think. Caleb? Guns N' Olsen. I really... I am now just imagining him listening to this episode and coming when we're all like... Yeah! Bang!

Yeah! That was a... They've defeated them. Fucking real! This is the shit he likes. A scoreless tie. This is the Riddler winning. He has another round just in case.

Oh, shit! It's been a real defensive struggle out on the pitch today. We is the Riddler winning. He has another round just in case. Oh, shit. It's been a real defensive struggle out on the pitch today. We've got to get one, you guys. All real or all fake again. John Farderty. The Eagles. You're doing a bit. No, no.

I'm just reading them right now. The Eagles Fernandez. Aquaman. Static Shock. And D, Crosby, Stills, Nash, Young, and Goley. See, I'm going to go with real. Real. 100% real.

Those are all fake, you guys. Oh, no. Damn you, soccer. Son of a bitch. Well, Caleb, congratulations. You stumped all of us. I think that was the first time no one's ever gotten a single one right. Goddamn, yeah. 117 episodes.

We finally got shut out. That's fun. Yeah, we got shit. Just like a real soccer game, as Pat said. Well played. Well, eat shit in hell, you horrible fucking piece of shit. Fuck you. You embarrassed my friends.

I was just trying to have a good... I'm just joshing. If you want to send us a game, we'll watch the podcast. Do it at meanboyspockets at gmail.com. We're running a little low, so we'd love to see them. And we'll be right back with your motherfucking questions, your goddamn voicemails, and your shit, fart, uh, uh, stuff

at the end. One show. Two detectives. Three seasons at most. Lock and Load coming soon to TNT. Detectives John Locke and Hank Lode solve crimes and their names are cool. John Locke, Hank Lode solve crimes and their names are cool. John Locke, like the philosopher guy.

He's the good cop. Who cares if Loss did it? That was like 10 years ago. He's got ethics and shit. Sounds pretty lame, right? Wrong. Meet Hank Lode. Fast and loose.

Loading a gun. Unloading his mouth. With harsh words. He plays by his own rules. And those rules are that he fucking rules. There's a girl on a beach in a bikini in the commercial, and then some kind of jungle jeep chase thing with machetes. Then there's an interrogation room scene that we edited to make look like a fun wisecrack,

but the joke's not actually in the show. The dude cutting the commercial that's making this look mildly appealing is more creative than the entire staff of the show itself. There's a chick, too. She's badass, but she also has like a kid or something for some dank emotional depth. Maybe the kid is her sister's kid, and her sister and her husband were murdered, so that's why

she tries to fix crime. Then maybe also a Mexican guy who does computers, and a chief who's just the chief from every other show that's like this show. That's probably good for characters, I think. Lock and Load on TNT. Your aunt watches it. The Mean Boys podcast is brought to you by I think. Lock and load on TNT. Your aunt watches it. store. See a great comedy show and get yourself a delicious burrito afterwards. But where can I find out more? Eataburrito.com and tell them the Mean Boys sent you.

And maybe they'll know what that means and maybe they won't. But, you know, spread the word and get a tasty treat while you're down in San Diego. A tasty treat that's something to eat. Don Carlos. Burrito time. Party time. They have tacos, too. Quong. Oh, the Mean Boys podcast is back.

Dip it into the Mean Boys mailbag to read your questions, comments, listen to your voicemails. If you want to do all that, check out of the Twitter at Mean Boys podcast or drop us a line on our voicemail line 304-805-MEAN. That is 3626 for all you fucking simpletons out there. Nicholas Noel writes, taking this through the current geopolitical lens

of Trumpism and isolationism, did you see the story last week about a bunch of Aussies saving giant venomous spiders from flood water? That was fucked up. I didn't see that. Yeah, basically there was a flood and this fucking spider from Australia that is literally like the size of

like your arm. Yeah, it was like gonna die in a tree and this lady was like oh, we gotta save it because we're fucking stupid here. And then they... They're all Steve Irwin. All of them are Steve Irwin. They're like, well, that's a monster island. You do not save the monster. We live on Monster Island.

I don't know what the Trump angle on this is. But yeah, it was fucked up and they should have let it die. Yeah, man. What are you doing? I love Australia. They got the biggest bugs. They got the biggest spiders. Huge, huge spiders.

Huge, biggest spiders. Is the idea that like like is the spider a metaphor for refugees because i don't know i think he's just like i gotta be honest with you if mexicans are that big and can spit venom like i don't really want them either i think it's just like i think it's just like are you guys too busy reading like fucking reductress robert moeller like sexual fantasy know that we're rescuing spiders from trees like fucking andy griffith show firefighters i think we should just i fucking the spider Fantasy to know that we're rescuing spiders from trees. Yeah. Like fucking Andy Griffith's show Firefighters. I think we should just fucking the spider should be president.

That's what I'm saying. I didn't understand 80% of the words in that question. So fuck spiders. There you go. That's my official stance. All right. Lou Varum writes in. Oh, boy.

Some Pat questions. How slash why have you never smoked weed? You've been a comic for 12 years. Favorite Phillies game you've ever been to? Best bridge for the mean boys to sleep under in Philly when they go. I didn't know you've never smoked weed. Yeah, I've never smoked weed. I don't know.

I didn't drink until I was like 24. I wasn't cool in high school. I'm not cool now, but in high school even less so. So I just didn't go to any parties where that was happening. There was no peer pressure if I wasn't around people doing it. Then I commuted to college and I worked full time. I don't know. I never did it. It never interested me.

Would you smoke now once just to say you did it? No, I'm going to be the first guy to actually use it completely medicinally. When my knees go in the next six months, I will be all over whatever edibles ease that pain. I really want to see Peck get crazy high. I want him to do that Gateway show. That would be really

funny. I would do it getting drunk. You gotta get high. If you were high. I don't want my first time to be in front of that many people. Of course not. How are you like when you're drunk? Because I always see you with a beer, but I never feel like I see you like, oh, Pat's.

I'm a super happy drunk. Yeah, I've only seen you drunk once and you were in a great mood. Yeah. After the roast battle taping. Yeah, the more drunk I am, the happier I get. Okay. You'd probably be a good stoner. Favorite Phillies game, Roy Halliday's playoff no-hitter.

And best bridge for them to sleep under. All the bridges I know in Philly have water underneath them. So unless I'm advocating you sleeping in the Delaware River. We could have some sort of Huck Finn raft situation. Oh, then Ben Franklin. Yeah, I was going to say. I was also going to say, there's always parts of bridges that are over land. Like when you've got to come back down to level land, like there's that area.

What an incredible semantic argument we're having. Well, Joe knows all about this from his grinder past. Wait, so I'm fucking you underwater? I didn't bring my own stuff. Many a Craigslist hook up in a tent city. Basically, you have to choose between Ben Franklin and Walt Whitman. That's our bridge situation in Philly. Could I sleep under a bridge game and eat out a bunch of old ladies under the table?

Wow, that's beautiful. Who is your favorite pig from fictional literature? Pig? Oh, man. Oh, is that from the fucking Pig Facts debacle? Yeah, yeah. Okay. I don't know if I... I mean... The one from Animal Farm.

Oh, yeah, those guys were pretty cool. I was going to say Wilbur from Charlotte's Web and then I realized Wilbur's kind of a bitch. Oh, you know who I really like? I like Hey Arnold, his pet pig. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. You mean Helga? Am I right? I think her name was Helga.

Arnold from Green Acres. There's multiple Arnold connections to pigs. I'll go Miss Piggy because I have an eight-month-old son and he's getting into Muppet Babies a little bit now. She's more tolerable than I remember. Yeah, I can't think of a lot of super lovable pigs. One time I compared a girl I was dating to Miss Piggy. Unless she openly says

before you say that, I love Miss Piggy so much. If it's the one I'm thinking of, it's a pretty good comparison. That's what I'm saying. It was not a good call. Oh, she wasn't super stoked? No. You gotta tell me off air who. Guys, I'm not good at pussy,

alright? I don't want to fuck anybody. You're like Kermit the Frog. You just got gangly limbs and you don't know how to talk to women. Oh, hey there, bud. Did that girlfriend prep you for making out with Keith on national television? I've been watching Deep Space Nine

and it turns out that the Cardassians are... Whoa, they found the first stable wormhole known in the Delta Quadrant. It goes all the way to the Gamma Quadrant. That's crazy. Pigs in space. What is that from? The Muppets.

Oh, okay. Of all the roles Bill Murray has had in his career, which would Tom be most successful in undertaking? Crazy old man showing up at parties he wasn't invited to. That's what I was going to say. The role of Bill Murray. The role of urban legend. He'd only be contacted via a rotary phone or a carrier pigeon. Yeah, I'm a vegan.

I can't bust ghosts. All right. If forced to leave Southern California for whatever reason, where would the most likely place to live, either based on personal experience or what seems like a cool place? Okay. We had to leave here? Yeah, you can't live here. Where are you going to live? I was going to say Australia before I heard the spider story, and now I'm out on that.

My gut reaction was to say just go back to New York, but if you're giving me that option of going anywhere, I guess, like, I don't know. It's hard, right? I think I could be the most famous person in Canada in, like, six months. I feel like I'd have a good time in, like, Atlanta. No, he's in america oh yeah where at atlanta atlanta's good i would say austin probably because i love austin and like i feel

like if i had to leave here i would just go to austin probably quit comedy and just have a really cool life in austin yeah i was gonna say like i feel like i could restart a life with something non-comedy in atlanta and be much much closer to my ultimate dream of just being near Disney World but not in Florida. I would go to an island. I would definitely end up in Montana doing Twitch streaming or something. I want to go to a fucking little island. A hurricane

comes by, no one knows whatever happened to you or the whole island. It's just wiped off. We went to the Bahamas one time and we didn't get like a resort we just rented a house and everything is dirt cheap all you do is just like hang out on the beach and get drunk and not even if you're on vacation that's all the locals did that's all anybody does it's all the white locals did yeah it's a drunk people like all the white locals

yeah you just have to make like 30 a week to sustain like an exuberant lifestyle parasailing lessons. Dude, yeah. Take the Patreon money. Go to the Bahamas. We fly Joe DeRosa in. Did you guys see the newest Avengers trailer? Who do you think will die in it? I saw it. Looks good.

I think Captain America and Iron Man are both going to die. I would love it if they kill Captain America in this one. They're going to kill both of them because their fucking contracts are up. True. Bucky's going to become the new Captain America and Iron Man are both going to die. I would love it if they kill Captain America in this one. Well, they're going to kill both of them because their fucking contracts are up. True. Yeah. No, Bucky's going to become the new Captain America. Iron Man's dead or he comes as like an advisor to the Avengers. Cool.

Yeah, I think it's probably at least it's going to be like part one. They kill Cap. Part two, they kill Iron Man. That's my thought as well. I've never gotten into superhero movies. There's also going to be a bunch of ones that just get – Hawkeye is gone. I'll tell you why Hawkeye is going to die in the first ten minutes of this movie is because he's not on the poster.

He's the only guy not on the poster. And we also need to open up with stakes somehow. So it's like, look, no one is safe except for all the people that just signed contracts. Yeah, no one is safe. Even Black – OK, Black Panther is fine. Black Panther has made $900 billion. Yeah, Thanos is like about to kill Spider-Man. I was like, come on.

Yeah, really? Really, are you? Yeah, really? You just got him back. What would you say is your Avengers, Pat? I don't even have a frame of reference for what that means. I think it's the Phillies. What's the big events you're excited about coming up?

Is there some kind of big movie event? Baseball season's starting. Some kind of chili cook-off? At a Wendy's Chili. We're just like, oh, Mesquite Pete's coming in hot this year. Who's gonna die at the chili cook-off? Eh, Pat.

I one time won a comedians-only chicken wing eating. Wait, what is happening? I was trying to play the voicemail. Oh. Over Pat speaking. Aliens only chicken wing eating. Wait, what is happening? I was trying to play the voicemail. Oh. Okay. Over Pat speaking. Welcome back to the Rude Boys.

No, that's a different comedy entity that got a deal on web television. Oh, really? Yeah. I did not know that. They're good people. Yeah, no, JP and Eli. They've both been on this show. It was so funny because they're just like,, JP messages me, and he's like,

hey, is it okay if I, like, we thought of Rude Boys, and I didn't know you had a thing. And I was like, nah, it's cool. Like, what kind of horrible man would be like, well, actually... We own the idea of boys. Alright, do we got voicemails? Yeah. I hit him.

Hey there, Mean Boys. It's your old pal Alexis, aka Deathk.a. Death to the Phil. Just calling to give you guys a little information to enlighten you, I guess you could say. So I've been learning Swedish. This is the trans guy with the gun we talked about earlier. Not a terribly interesting story. But as part of this, I've picked up on some swedish swear words and i felt like i could share them with you i hope on studio so of course the most common swedish swear word that that is

used like how we would use it the word you know our word fuck and when you pronounce it in Swedish, it is Javla. J-A with umlaut, V-L-A. You use it just like we use fucking English. So if you wanted to call someone a fucking idiot, you'd say, Sin javla, idiot. Let's see. Another good one is Hedlveta. Did we anger a vampire? Which means fucking hell.

So Hedlveta means just straight up fucking hell. So Hedlveta means just straight up fucking hell. It's one word, but it means that. So you would use that. This is the worst George Carlin bit I've ever heard. Here are the seven goofy words you can't say on television. Seven horcs you can't bork on television.

Alright guys, that's the damn show. Seven Horks you can't bork on television. All right, guys. That's the damn show. Joe and Pat, you guys are fantastic. Thank you guys for coming in. You got any shows coming up you want to talk about anything? Like I said, I got the weekly show with The Good Night. Yeah, go to that. It's a fucking great room.

We do the live Mean Boys there. Every Thursday, doors are at 7 o'clock. Come out, hang out for one of those. When does this come out, actually? It's Tuesday. Tuesday. Oh, okay. So this week, we got like Jay Washington is going to be on the show this week.

And if you come next week, it's another big showcase because it's my big birthday show. We got Alex Hooper headlining. We got Michael Longfellow, Subha Garwal, Lindsay Adams, Katrina Davis, Quincy Johnson. The list goes on and on. I love them. It's going to be a crazy, crazy night. So there's that. And then May 9th, there's going to be a LGBT comedy showcase at the Skip Town Playhouse in Koreatown called Drop Dead Gorgeous. So, yeah, just follow me on social media at JoeCharlesK for updates on all the things.

Cool. Yeah, do that. I co-run a show every Sunday at the Verdugo Bar in Glass Hill Park, and it's really good. April 1st is our one-year anniversary show, and April 15th we have a really great lineup. So it's every Sunday at 8 o'clock.

It's free. Always have great lineups at that. And check out Pat and Jeff Like Sports on iTunes. Guys, you've been asking me. I'm coming to Pittsburgh, Kansas on March 28th. I'm performing at probably the only building in Pittsburgh, Kansas.

And on March 31st, I'm performing in a town in Oklahoma with a name so stupid, I've not allowed myself to remember it. And if you're in Oklahoma on the 29th or the 30th,

book me. I just want to see Connor do comedy in a town square somewhere. Hear ye, hear ye. Gay people, not a fan. I rocked the Country Music Museum. I was talking about

eating old ladies out for like 20 minutes. The Red Hat Society there, which is like an old lady social club. And I was like, oh, Jesus Christ, they're just going to be like, well, alcohol is the devil's vinegar. And they're just like, yeah, Jesus Christ. They're just going to be like, well, alcohol is the devil's vinegar. And they had the best time?

And they were just like, yeah, fuck my dirty fucking cornhole. That's amazing. Wow. Wow. I bet they said it just like that. I'm an old lady with a cornhole. That was the night where the sound guy was mad that he wasn't allowed to MC. So he relapsed on meth and kept playing his rockabilly demo during my set. So I'd be like, wow, yeah, guys, Dayton, isn't it weird?

Be like, you're not helping. Go see that in Pittsburgh, Kansas. I don't want to look at my show dates. So just follow me on social media at Keith Tells Jokes everywhere. That's it for the show, gang. Yeah, guys. Fuck everything. God is dead.

God is bad?