Mean Boys - EP 119 - Dangerous Teletubbies

Starting point is 00:00:00 Hey everybody, it's the Mean Boys Podcast. You're goddamn right. We got this week's shows. Good one. You forgot what episode it was. This is just the boys episode. Real fun run through this one. Yeah, I enjoyed it.

Starting point is 00:00:15 I want to watch Keith carry the intro. Real fun run. Keith Carey going to carry the intro. We're going on tour, everybody. The Mean Boys Podcast is coming to Milwaukee, Chicago, Fort Wayne, Detroit, Cleveland, Pittsburgh, Philadelphia, tour everybody the mean boys podcast is coming to milwaukee chicago i'm trying to psych them out by staring at it detroit cleveland pittsburgh philadelphia washington dc and new york motherfucking city what that's a carry yeah we are shut up idiot we're coming uh in april all the tickets

Starting point is 00:00:37 are on sale now except for cleveland because what the fuck cleveland yeah cleveland's been a bitch but those are all up on meanboyspodcast.com. Jump in the email list. We'll be sending another blast out before we leave. Just sent the first one, so grab those. They will be more expensive at the door, so get them online so you save a little cash. And leave us a review on iTunes. Guys, only 11 reviews away. Oh, no. From the soup reckoning.

Starting point is 00:00:59 I think we doubled them in like a month. That's what I'm saying. We need to get to 250 by the time we leave for this tour on Tuesday. We'll definitely be happening by Chicago. Someone's getting to watch some soup go down. Is that your prediction? Is you'll be eating soup in the Chicago Mean Boys? I think so.

Starting point is 00:01:16 Yeah, I think if all signs point to yes, you know, unless I find some way to like go all Bane on the fucking iTunes account and just shut it down. You fuck our podcast just to not eat soup. Yeah, once it hits 249. Don't do it.

Starting point is 00:01:30 Leave us a review. Destroy his belly. Give me the podcast back to the people. If you guys like Bane voices, enjoy this episode. Oh, my God. Or Mr. Freeze. Yeah, someone named Muh Pit, M-U-H Pit, wrote, Best podcast to listen to when you finish the ones you like. That's a pretty good review.

Starting point is 00:01:47 Yeah, 239. I think it was like 125 like six weeks ago. Yeah, this is straight up nonsense how excited you guys got about the soup. I know. So go push us over the edge and push me over the edge and do that right now. Please go follow us on Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, YouTube. We've got a subreddit now, which is percolating a little bit, and you guys are starting to talk about anime almost immediately.

Starting point is 00:02:14 Which I don't care for that, but I do like that you guys are friends. All right. Once we get to 250 anime threads on the subreddit, you have to fuck another dog. That's wrong on a lot of levels. Yeah, I know. It's wrong that you did it the first time. I didn't fuck another dog. That's wrong on a lot of levels. Yeah, I know. There's wrong that you did it the first time, and wrong of you to agree with me before the show

Starting point is 00:02:30 that you're going to do it again. We do have to figure out what the next review challenge is, and I think it should be having Keith's mom on the show. Yeah, I'm with that. Let's get to soup, and then we'll discuss the logistics of that. Yeah, yeah, we'll look into that, all that shit. I feel like they enjoy pain the most from us. The listeners? Yeah. Yeah, yeah. We'll look into that, all that shit. What else? I feel like they enjoy pain the most from us. The listeners?

Starting point is 00:02:48 Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Certainly they do. You like our pain. If you want to send us anything, meboyspockets at gmail.com for which the following

Starting point is 00:02:54 games, shit like that, leaves a voicemail 305-804-805-6326. It's all in the show notes. That's where you go for all this shit. Yeah. It's in the fucking

Starting point is 00:03:02 show notes. And yeah, enjoy this week's Just the Boys episode uh featuring uh the dueling banes hey everybody welcome to the mean boys podcast whenas are mean Hey everybody, welcome to the Mean Boys Podcast. When God closes a door, he locks it from the outside. I'm Connor McSpadden. I'm Keith Carey. And I am...

Starting point is 00:03:31 The lead singer of a band called the Flock of Pigeons. Because you have got like a new wave haircut, but then like a bus stop transient everything else. Yeah, you do kind of have a new wavy haircut. What does that mean? Well, your mohawk grows out, but you don't spike it up. You don't really do mohawk maintenance like a punk rock guy, so it just sort of flops over. You're like, yeah, I've just been getting really into synth pop. Yeah, new wave.

Starting point is 00:03:52 I bought a keytar. New wave is like 80s music. Keytars are actually, I like the sound of a keytar. It's just a synthesizer, but it's just the shape. No, I'm thinking of a sitar. Never mind. Yeah, I thought we weren't supposed to call Tom keytarded anymore. Dude, Devo playing sitars.

Starting point is 00:04:07 Dude, that was good. Must whip it. You must whip it. It must be whipped. All right, well, we're 90 seconds into the podcast. I've got an uncontrollable urge. Tell me all about it. I'll just grieve and shout it.

Starting point is 00:04:21 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Mongoloid. You're a, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Mongoloid. You're a Mongoloid, Dom. You eat any of our food, you get a bad gut feeling. He doesn't eat the bacon. I lost what song we were talking about. We're talking about the band TiVo. I've been listening to a lot of TiVo.

Starting point is 00:04:41 Yeah, TiVo, the band TiVo. I thought that was a DVR service from the mid-2000s. Their whole album would just be the same song on a loop. Does Tevo even exist anymore? I think they kind of...

Starting point is 00:04:52 Yeah, yeah, because Tevo was the original. Yeah, I mean, I think... We had a Tevo. Yeah, the concept of the DVR I think is just like ubiquitous.

Starting point is 00:05:00 Like, everyone has one now, but I don't think it's Tevo branded anymore. Yeah, because I still think of it as Tevo. Yeah. You know, it's still Tevo to me. It's got the brand i don't think it's tivo branded anymore yeah because i still think of it as tivo yeah you know i said it's still tivo it's got the brand name recognition but it's like i don't think the tivo product is a thing well yeah i think the other companies like bought it out so that i think they did i think direct tv situation where it still exists but it doesn't really exist sure i don't know let's we could look this up right now and end this

Starting point is 00:05:22 conversation i'm because i'm curious and i think the listeners at home are as well. So we've gone from Devo to TiVo with a detour. I don't know. It looks like TiVo is still kicking. What is Hindu Devo? Shiva? TiVo has a Twitter. How many Twitter followers does TiVo have?

Starting point is 00:05:35 Only 26,000. That's not bad. I guess TiVo, I mean, for like a brand, like Apple. How many does Apple have? Probably a zillion. Yeah. One Z. Welcome to the White Dude Tangent Podcast.

Starting point is 00:05:46 Yeah, god damn it. I know. This is like everybody who's ever said, God, do we need another podcast with white guys? This is what they imagine it is. Dude, Apple has, get this, Apple has 1.69 million followers. 69, first of all. Hilarious. Tight.

Starting point is 00:05:57 Second of all, they've never tweeted. Really? Yeah. I wonder what they're saving it for. Nothing good. For like when Steve Jobs, like Michael Jackson's back. That's when he fucking goes through the rift. Dude, I was disappointed by the Michael Jackson funeral because I thought for sure, like,

Starting point is 00:06:10 oh, they're playing Thriller. It's going to be like he's going to come. But he's like, gotcha, bitch. Tickets on sale now, you know? Dude, I was reading the I was I saw like a gossip thing come up. I guess Louis C.K. was hanging out at the Comedy Cellar at the Comics Table again a couple nights ago. He returns. I mean, yeah.

Starting point is 00:06:29 There's a picture of him walking around with one of the gals that was on his TV show that came out a while back. But he's not particularly disguised. You'd think he'd be out wearing a very look-at-how-not-Louis-C.K. outfit I am, but it's just the same kind of hip glasses and a pe a p coat i mean you gotta figure with like louis it's like you'd be a fool to think like every comic in new york is gonna like blacklist him and never speak to him again

Starting point is 00:06:53 like of course of course he's still hanging out at the cell i bet you he's done a set how would he dress oh if he'd done a set we would have heard about it i i bet you he did one somewhere and it's just like people in long island, too. I'm sure he has. I don't know, man. Maybe he showed up at an open mic somewhere in Minnesota or something. He's got the level. He's ubiquitous. He could go to China to do an open mic, and people would still take pictures of him.

Starting point is 00:07:18 Yeah, maybe. Did you see the Cosby set at that jazz club? I heard about it. I didn't watch it. I saw a clip of it. It was a tribute to some jazz musician, and Cosby showed up and jazz club? I heard about it. I didn't watch it. I saw a clip of it. And yeah, people were like, it was a tribute to some jazz musician and Cosby showed up and did a set.

Starting point is 00:07:29 Yeah, that's pretty... I guess I read this thing, I guess at some point during that, a little kid asked, who are you? And he goes, I used to be a comedian. That's pretty funny.

Starting point is 00:07:36 But then I followed my true passion. Ribbity, rip, rap, rape. Ribbity, rip, rap, rape. We may have an episode title. We'll see if we can top it. I don't know. How are my boys doing? I was late to recording.

Starting point is 00:07:51 I haven't been able to catch up with you guys very much. I'm doing good. Me and last week's guest, Nicole Buchanan, went to a concert last night. Shout out to listener Crespo Betalon who turned me on to a band called Not Half Bad. They played in L.A. and they're real fucking good. Dude, how am I the one watching Deep Space Nine but you said something called Crespo Betalon, who turned me on to a band called Not Half Bad. They played in L.A. and they're real fucking good. Dude, how am I the one watching Deep Space Nine, but you said something called Crespo Betalon? Crespo

Starting point is 00:08:10 Betalon. That's for sure. We're like, Cardassian refugees are on Crespo Betalon. We've got to set aside our differences to save them. I don't know. But we went, we got super hammered. We came back here, we rewatched that Dukes of Hazzard movie with Johnny Knoxville. Oh, yeah? Yeah, and just ate a bunch of Pepperidge Farm cookies and passed out. Oh, nice, man.

Starting point is 00:08:25 But it was funny because we woke up in the morning. What Pepperidge Farm cookie? Milano's? I thought they made sausage. Who makes the sausage? You're thinking of a sausage farm. Hillshire Farm? Hillshire Farm.

Starting point is 00:08:35 Okay, sausage farm. I'm looking that up. They got bought by Teva. Yeah, what is the sausage farm called? Yeah, Hickory Farms. Hickory Farms. How do I not know that? We've talked about them on this show. Dude, that's the dystopian book about Keith's Yeah. Hickory Farm. Hickory Farm. How do I not know that? We've talked about them on this show.

Starting point is 00:08:45 Dude, that's the dystopian book about Keith's life. It's Hickory Farm. Some sausages are created more equal than others. It's a takedown of capitalism. But it was funny because she slept in my room. I went and slept in Tom's fucking kitchen hovel. By the way, I slept in your kitchen hovel last night. Thanks for telling me.

Starting point is 00:09:02 Yeah, I saw you sleep. I woke up this morning and I was like, oh, that's weird. Tom looks fatter. Like she fell asleep in my bed. I was laying on the floor and I'm like, I cannot sleep

Starting point is 00:09:10 on my tile floor. So I just went up there and it was like this morning I had to let her out of the gate and it was super awkward because it's like, I'm walking Nicole out

Starting point is 00:09:16 and nothing happened. Yeah. But like Ramsey and Paige are just out there and it's this awkward like, okay, no one wants to address it. It looks like we might have fucked

Starting point is 00:09:22 and then Ramsey goes, I know you guys didn't fuck so don't even worry about it. Oh oh cool thanks bro no it's good i think i'm always of the opinion just like if there's like a little bit of like energy it's just like just say it yeah totally that was my thing too but like i didn't unless you got if you get if you guys had fucked and it was like a secret then you would definitely want to be like all right well i'll see you later pal well i've. Well, I've had that happen before where somebody was like making joke like, ah, you guys are fucking.

Starting point is 00:09:48 Was it me? It sure was. I was trying to keep that heck of a because that's still kind of a secret. But yeah, it's just like, ah, you guys are going to fuck. And we're like, hey, shut up, Tom. Dude, the best one ever is when I was wasted. To be fair, it's not like you were drunkenly shouting that in an industry event obi obi was kind of dating around for a while and uh no no he brings he brings this one girl outside she's leaving after they've presumably fucked you know and uh tom's like

Starting point is 00:10:15 oh i i've met you before and then the girl like very quickly and does the math and has like oh so obi has a type all right and i and i and i i wingman pretty well because then she was like uh i don't think so and no you were here last time well here's the thing no one in the world has ever forgotten meeting you like yeah yeah that's a good point and so i immediately just like just like i played you know just because it was an awkward situation like i just was immediately pulled out eight of my my all-time classic one-liners on how dumb tom is yeah and uh and i i think i sort of smoothed it over but uh yeah that was that was pretty great tom because it was just so loud i was so

Starting point is 00:10:49 adamant about it too because you're like i don't think so i was like nah you've been here before any situation where tom has to like play it cool yeah is never good dude yeah i could just see like we're like we thought that was her we're at a diner with the mob you know and i'm like and you're like why are you kicking me under the table? Why does this note say shoot them? What is shoot him? Get fucking shoot him. Yeah, never say anything to someone your friend is fucking with any degree of certainty.

Starting point is 00:11:14 Just keep it loose and keep it vague because you don't want to box yourself in. Here's the thing. I have no filter. I don't know if that's been noticeable yet. I think a thing, and before I'm done thinking the thing, I've said the thing, and then the next thing I haven't said. You say the word thing again, I'm going to slap you in the mouth. Everything you say is just kind of like conversational cookie dough. It's good, but it's not a cookie.

Starting point is 00:11:36 It's not finished. If I deal with too much of it, I get sick. You don't like cookies? No. Compared to cookie dough, I like cookies cookies but not as much as cookie dough I like cookie dough over cookies let me correct

Starting point is 00:11:48 I love cookies but they're shit compared to cookies it's a toss up because some days I'm like give me that dough and some days

Starting point is 00:11:54 I'm like I like a nice hot soft cookie there was a chunk of time where my mom was buying this cookie dough

Starting point is 00:11:58 that came in a bucket it was a bucket of chocolate and I just took it into the living room and just watched cartoons and ate it with an ice cream scoop. That's how you do it.

Starting point is 00:12:08 That was at peak fat. That was a real rough time. I feel like I've seen the bucket of dough. Oh, the dough bucket. It's got to have some kind of insulting name. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Sack of dough. My cousin got engaged.

Starting point is 00:12:21 Oh, cool. Congratulations, man. Yeah, I just found out. That's me to him and his sack of dough to be. So, guys, look forward to photoshopping Tom in an ill-fitting tuxedo very soon. I already have these photos. I didn't say I was invited to the wedding. But, yeah, I have photos of me in them.

Starting point is 00:12:36 Why did you say that, like, ominously? Like, fuck, you know me and weddings, you know? Yeah, no, I was a groomsman, and I didn't fuck up. You know, I've only been to one wedding. Everyone else is telling the story of, oh, God, Tom was an usher, and he fucked up so bad. He didn't know where to go when the wedding started, so he just went and stood next to the bride. Those were the other weddings. Just up there shuffling a little bit.

Starting point is 00:12:56 Yeah, yeah. I just got to see if there's any Pokemon in here. Don't mind me. I got to throw the flowers back at the girl. We have, like, a snowball fight with petals. No, I've only throw the flowers back at the girl. Is that we have like a snowball fight with petals? No, I've only been the one. You throw the bouquet and you like try to like jump in front and take it like a fucking secret service.

Starting point is 00:13:11 No. You dropped your flowers here, man. Yeah. I saved you from pollen. Will you go to prom with me? I've only been the one wedding and it was my parents. That's because I am a bastard. Wait, are you?

Starting point is 00:13:23 Yeah. Yeah. I didn't know that. Yeah. No, my. Congratulations. Wait, what? Oh, are you? I didn't know that. Yeah, no, my parents... Congratulations. Thanks, man. My parents are just so chill that I think my mom

Starting point is 00:13:29 told me this story. She's like, yeah, when your dad proposed, it was just like... It was basically like a week after. It was like, oh, yeah, we got to be married

Starting point is 00:13:36 if you want to be in my health insurance. And then he was just like, oh, I guess we should do this. Yeah, they just don't really think about that kind of shit. I dig that. I don't remember it, though.

Starting point is 00:13:44 You know, I don't remember being at the wedding. There's pictures of me in a little tuxedo. I supposedly have the ring bearer. I have no knowledge of this or recollection of it. I've been to a lot of my mom's weddings. Yeah, your mom's getting married again. Oh, she got married again. Oh, yeah.

Starting point is 00:13:57 I don't know. Did I say this on the bonus content? You said this on the bonus content. Oh, yeah. My mom got married for the fifth time in a parking garage in Laughlin, Nevada. Dude, your mom is the Tom Brady of marrying Nazis. That's the version of the story that I heard, because my mom texted me this a week and a half after the fact, as like a by the way in another conversation we were having.

Starting point is 00:14:13 And she calls me, and she goes, okay, so here's what happened. We were riding our motorcycles to Vegas. Some stuff happened. We got in a fight. Glenn called a guy, and now we're married. So that's her. Your new stepdad's name is Glenn. He is not my stepdad.

Starting point is 00:14:27 I'm a 29-year-old man. Oh, sorry. I didn't mean... Sorry. Stepfather. I don't know what... I mean, what do you call him, then? I call him Glenn, dude.

Starting point is 00:14:38 Yeah, I'm sorry. I didn't... What do you want me to call him? Papa? Dad? Yeah. You should just fuck with him and call him Dad. Yeah, yeah.

Starting point is 00:14:44 Congrats to you the most recent to pipe up my mother like that we know of yeah there you go no i i remember the best wedding i went to with my mom's was when uh her second wedding i was like i think it was six for this one okay and i was with your mom and your dad didn't marry what's up no my mom and my dad never got married she married another guy right after she broke up with my dad and was married to him for like six months, but then he turned out to be like a psychopath. Oh, did you ever meet this cat? No, we're Facebook friends, but...

Starting point is 00:15:13 Oh, nice. I don't know how that happened exactly. Yeah, yeah. But no, the second wedding, it was basically like they were getting married at Old World Village in Huntington Beach. Oh, Jesus. At the church. We were at the OC Dirt, man.

Starting point is 00:15:24 Oh, yeah. I mean, it's like you don't want to get married where there used to be a Rico Fisher show. And ironically enough, this is not the Nazi one. Oh, wow. And basically, my mom showed up. Everybody else was there. I was with the groom, my stepdad, and the groomsmen, who were all thwacked on meth. Okay.

Starting point is 00:15:41 We showed up super late. So I remember speeding to the church. I was in the back of a pickup truck with the cover on, just getting rattled around near a dog. I was wearing a plaid tuxedo

Starting point is 00:15:52 with safety pins holding the corsage on. I looked pretty fucking cool. That's nice, yeah. I just remember just getting scooped up under someone's arm and just thrown into a church

Starting point is 00:16:00 so we could do the wedding late. Man, fucking, they're just making Keith martinis. Yeah. How about you, Tom? You've had a little bit of could do the wedding late. Man, fucking they're just making Keith martinis. Yeah. How about you, Tom? You've had a little bit of drama lately with the insurance. Can you talk about that? That is the last

Starting point is 00:16:12 thing in the fucking world I want to talk about. Okay. I don't know why. Well, maybe we got a lawyer that listens or something that can help you out. It's just insurance. My insurance is supposed to cover my hospital bill. It says I have a different insurance that doesn't exist,

Starting point is 00:16:30 and so it's been a process trying to prove... Yeah, you have Van Damme insurance. Trying to prove to them that the insurance they say I have does not exist, and it's been a real big fucking deal, and I might just go in debt because of ghost insurance uh so that's i only i i only i only had enough to cover two things so i got volcano and ghost and look i did specters have not been an issue the pancreas however quite troublesome i mean look you can't sell me ghost insurance and tell me afterwards it doesn't cover poltergeists

Starting point is 00:17:02 i'm sorry dude yeah but but yeah no i i finally like lost my cool and started yelling yesterday and i was like i did now they're afraid of me you know so if i have a beetlejuice incident is that covered by the ghost insurance because he is the ghost with the most but he's technically more of a spookable all right that sounds like a shitty ghost app like spookable. All right. That sounds like a shitty ghost app. Spookable? You would log all of your ghost encounters on the spookable app. No, you're thinking of Boo-Pon. Yeah, spookable is like the...

Starting point is 00:17:33 Oh, my God. Alternative version. You're thinking of Boo-Burr. Oh, no, that's Spectre, but with no E, just Spectre. Spookable is like that when you send your ghost to school and he needs a lunch, right? That would be spookable. Like a pre-packaged ghost? Like a Lunchable.

Starting point is 00:17:51 That's what he would find. It was a swing and a miss. Ghostmates? Strike one. Come on, we got like ten. Boober. I already did Boober. Oh, shit. Boober eats. Yelp Parentheses Cause you got scared By the ghost

Starting point is 00:18:08 Lift for ghosts That's one There's a lot of these Dude What I Rob Who The what

Starting point is 00:18:18 What You said Grubhub Like a vampire Yeah yeah It hit You can't yell at me Yes we can I like it dude You said Grubhub's like a vampire. Yeah, yeah. It hit. You can't yell at me.

Starting point is 00:18:28 Yes, we can. I like it, dude. Why is someone texting? Who's texting you? Family, because someone's getting married. Oh, you get family group text? Not usually. How many unread texts do I have right now? This was driving Keith insane the other day.

Starting point is 00:18:45 Okay, so right now I have 23 unheard voicemails. I want to stab you in the neck. You understand you're my business partner, and I have to know this is how you conduct your life. 91 unread texts and 9 unread Facebook messages. What? What if someone's trying to book you for a show or something? Yeah. Then I hope that they told me in person.

Starting point is 00:19:10 Tom finds out he was offered Conan in 2016. I will say, hang on, here's the beauty. Not a stand-up spot, the hosting spot. Here's the beauty. No unread emails on my Gmail account. I will say I have a hostile amount of unread emails on my Gmail account. I will say I have a hostile amount of unread emails. Well, on my other email account, I have 1,672 unread messages. But the other one...

Starting point is 00:19:32 I have 3,929 unread emails. Oh, you guys, 30,930. Oh, my God. I recently went and deleted it because Gmail has the tabs for promotion and social. And they're just bullshit emails. So I just went and deleted all those the other day because I was running out of space on my Google Drive. So I'm doing better than I was, believe it or not. Damn, 30,000.

Starting point is 00:19:52 Yeah, 30K, baby. That's fucking awesome. Dude, I remember the first time I checked my message requests or my filtered messages, it was all just people who were like, I saw you last night, and I don't usually like comedy, but I really felt connected to what you do, and it was really cool and i want you to encourage you to keep up and doing what you're doing it's just in 2014 and i'm just like i feel like such an asshole because there's like a few like bookings and a few like people that are just like well it was really great what you did and i'm just like oh fuck i'm sorry yeah yeah i have no idea if i have those i

Starting point is 00:20:19 could show you but i i don't want to i don't want to help you. That's fine. Oh, dude, Tom's filtered messages. I got a great filtered message the other day from a lady who was just like, the Japanese are trying to destroy white people. And there was like a whole big essay about it, and they're trying to get me to join something. And I'm like, oh, good. I'm glad I'm showing up

Starting point is 00:20:39 on this list of potential clients. Jesus Christ. Well, gang, I think we're all fired up. You guys want to get another Mexican joke off? Sure, baby. No one seems terribly excited about it today. No, we're having a good chat. I'll take us away.

Starting point is 00:20:53 Elon Musk deactivated the Facebook accounts for SpaceX and Tesla. The decision was in response to Mark Zuckerberg's data mining scandal and people not understanding him at his high school. He's an edgy teen. I would delete the Facebook pretty often in my youth. Yeah, I never did.

Starting point is 00:21:08 I've deactivated probably six or seven times. You didn't even get a Facebook really until like post high school. I remember when I was getting on Facebook, I remember looking at your profile because you're one of the people I knew from comedy or whatever. I was like, what's this? Do I need to have a Facebook for comedy or whatever? What's this book of faces? Yeah, yeah. All right.

Starting point is 00:21:27 After being banned by YouTube, gun bloggers are now posting their videos on Pornhub. So look out for Brazzers' newest series, The Bang Bang Bang Bus. That's a Bang Bros imprint. What the fuck?

Starting point is 00:21:38 Yeah, I didn't want to spoil Bang. Oh, yeah. I should have just done Bang Bang Bang Bros. I got a showdown for that in a minute. Okay. A school district in done bang, bang, bang, bros. I got a showdown for that in a minute. Okay. A school district in northern Philadelphia, born and raised, is arming the teachers with

Starting point is 00:21:53 buckets of rocks in case of school shootings. Palestine is annoyed at the first instance of having their culture appropriated. Did you see that? Yeah, this is in case there's a time vortex and we meet a gay person. They literally are just like, yeah, we hang a bucket of rocks so if shit goes down. And the guy

Starting point is 00:22:14 they interviewed who's like the governor or whatever, he's just like, well, some of our students got strong arms so we like those odds. That's a real quote. I'm like, holy fucking shit. All our children are going to die. And the fucked up thing? Probably better than nothing. I mean, here's the thing. It's like not holy fucking shit. All our children are going to die. And the fucked up thing? Probably better than nothing. I mean, here's the thing.

Starting point is 00:22:28 It's like not a bad plan if you were a room full of like four guys who are high, who are like, okay, if Chad had a gun, like, what could we have here that's not a gun to stop? But this is a school. This is a federally approved bucket of rocks. Somebody spent my tax money to pick the best rock to throw at a school shooter. I would love to be the rock guy for a school. Who is acquiring these rocks? Yeah, I just get a pickup truck, and I show up with, like, eight buckets at a time, and I'm just loading them into classrooms. I get a little, like, decorative hook.

Starting point is 00:22:59 You could put, like, stickers on the bucket so it's got, like, a smiley face. It's the opposite of the ice cream man. You just have a truck and whenever it shows up, kids get sad. This boy is creeping death by Metallica. I'm just imagining the thing shedding into buckets. You all laughed at me. From the Fantastic Four?

Starting point is 00:23:17 Man, I love the thing, dude. He's my favorite comic book character. This thing rips. He's just a grumpy old Jew. Yeah, yeah. Alright, guys. YouTube's new policies have driven gun vloggers to Pornhub. They're going to be really disappointed

Starting point is 00:23:28 when they find out they're buying the wrong kind of gun oil. Ah, that's a good gay lube reference. Yeah, man. Fucking, that's the gay one. Yeah, it is the gayest

Starting point is 00:23:37 of the lubes. Have you ever used gun oil? No. My God, dude. I've very rarely used lube. Dude, this thing will turn your dick supersonic. Like, it is... Does it have, like, pep-up properties in it or is it just, like, a slippery... It's like, have you ever seen that movie Christmas Vacation? rarely used lube. Dude, this thing will turn your dick supersonic.

Starting point is 00:23:46 Does it have pep-up properties in it, or is it just a slippery thing? Have you ever seen that movie Christmas Vacation? Yes. You remember when they spray the industrial lubricant on the sled and it goes real fast and catches on fire? Like that for your dick. It's like a Wile E. Coyote product for your dick. Yeah, this thing is made to... The Acme Corporation.

Starting point is 00:24:02 Let your dick sneak undetected into an asshole like the Asian dude in the Ocean's Eleven movie. Hell yeah. Wow. A poster for the upcoming Avengers attraction at Disneyland contains a hidden image of an erect penis. Marvel says they haven't had this big of a dick on a poster since they fired Edward Norton. Oh, man. Is Edward Norton an asshole?

Starting point is 00:24:21 Edward Norton is a renowned asshole. I didn't know that. I always thought he had a good rep. That's why he got fired. He was just a dick. Oh, I thought he was just like, I'm too cool to be the Hulk. No, no, no. He wanted to do it. And they were like, nah, fuck you, dude.

Starting point is 00:24:31 And gave it to Mark Ruffalo. Mark Ruffalo did a great job. Yeah, Mark Ruffalo kept his mouth shut and did the work. That's what he did. Yeah. I actually like that Ed Norton Hulk movie. I do, too. I actually really like Edward Norton.

Starting point is 00:24:41 He's a great actor. He's one of my favorite actors. Yeah, yeah. He's a good actor, good director. Just profoundly annoying. What do you direct? Norton. He's a great actor. He's one of my favorite actors. Good actor, good director. Just profoundly annoying. Here's the problem I have as a white guy. As people, I assume I like Fight Club. I understand why it's offensive to walk up to a Mexican person at a taco truck and be

Starting point is 00:24:54 like, oh, yeah, yo quiero un burrito para llevar. And they're like, okay, so you want one burrito. It's like when people walk up to me, so it's like, yeah, you know, in Fight Club. You love Fight Club. And I'm just like, I like it not as much as you think I like it I like it I'm not I don't have any

Starting point is 00:25:08 I don't have a poster I've had to distance myself from Fight Club just because I'm like oh man the lame-os ruined it yeah have you read Fight Club 2

Starting point is 00:25:16 the comic book I read the first issue and was filled with blinding rage at how bad it was oh yeah I kind of figured it'd be like a

Starting point is 00:25:22 Watchmen prequel type it was straight up and Polonok it, so it should have been good. And I was just like, oh, even you don't get what you were doing. Yeah. I had a tweet a long time ago about how I just like going around and telling bros that the guy that wrote Fight Club was gay.

Starting point is 00:25:35 And it does make the whole thing make more sense. Oh, how so? Is it a gay movie? Oh, it's a profoundly gay movie. I guess so. Well, the whole thing is about toxic masculinity and how dudes are so worried about being feminized that they just turn into like these shitty monsters because it's the only way they know how to be a man that is kind of funny that the people that like it are completely missing that point yeah 100 it's you know but then but then you're that guy who's like you don't get fight club i get fight club yeah

Starting point is 00:26:02 and then you're an even bigger cunt nothing Nothing worse than having the actually take on a piece of media like that. Not since My Little Pony has there been a piece of media so difficult to enjoy without seeming like a piece of shit. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Wait. Remember this podcast. Problem enjoying My Little Pony.

Starting point is 00:26:17 We got a review from a lady who's like, I'm a black feminist, so I shouldn't like this, but I guess I'm here. And I was like, oh, okay. Well, we love you. Thank you. Yeah, thanks, dude. Well, we love you. Thank you. Yeah, thanks, dude. Oops. Sorry.

Starting point is 00:26:30 Thanks, Nick. No. Oh, boy. People are marching against gun violence this weekend. This weekend? You reckon this weekend? You guys know the weekend. We go round up a march.

Starting point is 00:26:48 With all the protests Trump has gotten between him being president and gun violence, he's gotten more young people to exercise than Michelle Obama ever could. That's actually a pretty good joke. I do like you delivered it in the Tom Goddard's Bill Maher voice.

Starting point is 00:27:03 That is a real good joke if you just did it. No, I like Tom is doing this real conversational thing with his jokes now. Yeah, because it gives me more time to figure out what I wrote. Well, it's funny because it makes sense when you do it with a story like this, where it's like, oh, this is a thing people would have a conversation with, when you're like, yeah, so this guy in Oklahoma, you know Oklahoma, he killed his kid with a shovel. You know shovels. Yeah, shovels, use them for digging. I like a hoe, but, you know Oklahoma, he killed his kid with a shovel. You know shovels.

Starting point is 00:27:25 Yeah, shovels. He used them for digging. Not like a hoe, but, you know, to each their own. Anyway, why is that kid an asshole? I didn't write the joke. Yeah, yeah. All right, guys. A man being held after threats of suicide had his toes sucked by a cop.

Starting point is 00:27:38 Tom Goss remarked, oh, yeah, but I got to steal spoons. Great. You never got your toes sucked in the psych ward? No. No. No. Yeah. Craig's listening.

Starting point is 00:27:49 I'm sorry. No, you're good. I'm sorry. I have a hot riff. I'm trying to think. What else? I almost ate pussy. What did I get sucked?

Starting point is 00:27:56 Wait. Sorry. What did you just say? You almost ate pussy in the psych ward. Yeah. I almost lost my virginity in the psych ward. But? But the girl changed her mind

Starting point is 00:28:06 very aggressively at the last second, so I was like, okay, goodbye. Yeah, they'll do that in the psych ward. Yeah. No, it was... I was a rookie. I was flimmy flammy in the psych ward. Man, she was going to fuck Tom. She must have been crazy. Doi, doi, doi, doi, doi. You were a rookie. That's the best way to say it.

Starting point is 00:28:21 I'm a sex rookie. I'm a virgin. Sex rookie. Sex rookie. And I don't know why she's a rookie. Katana's on the shelf. Can'm a virgin. Sex rookie. Yeah, and then... Sex rookie. And I don't know why she... Katana's on the shelf. Can't get no nookie. No.

Starting point is 00:28:30 I don't do a brass bunch. No, she was nuts. Like, afterwards, like, the nurses knew something was up, and he was like, yeah, don't fuck her. Yeah, good call. There's no one you should fuck in the psych ward. Yeah, no, that's a fair statement. I know.

Starting point is 00:28:43 I was just 18 and horny. I get it. Yeah, yeah, for sure. fair statement. I was just 18 and horny. I get it. Yeah, for sure. Locked up. I would have done it, too. You can't try to fuck people in a psych ward from the outside. Yeah, through a wall.

Starting point is 00:28:52 Yeah, yeah. Just Kool-Aid man into the psych ward. Kool-Aid man into the psych ward. I hear this is where you keep the broken white women. Oh, yeah! As it happens,

Starting point is 00:29:03 they're a favorite of mine. Come on, you fragile and wet. Oh, yeah. As it happens, they're a favorite of mine. Come on, ye fragile and wet. Yeah, baby. Craigslist has shut down its casual encounters section. Reporters asked the section's most prolific user for comment, but he simply gazed sadly into the distance and said, now is not the time.

Starting point is 00:29:22 Football player Michael Bennett is facing up to 10 years in prison and up to a $10,000 fine for injuring a 66-year-old woman while rushing the field during the Super Bowl. Most people are just really proud that the NFL is finally helping old people who got injured playing football. You guys know football, right? You guys know football? It just seems so funny to be like 10 years and 10,000. The money seems so inconsequential compared to a decade in prison. Yeah, and it's like part of me is getting all conspiracy on this because

Starting point is 00:29:55 No, because he's one of the guys who led the let's kneel during the anthem thing. Oh, so you think they're framing him up? Yeah, because fucking Ray Lewis shot a guy and they didn't do shit. Like, but he rushed the field at a football game and some old lady with some 66-year-old,

Starting point is 00:30:15 my hip, like, it makes no sense to me. Interesting. Okay. And they deflated that old woman. Didn't understand any of that,

Starting point is 00:30:24 if I'm being honest. That's okay. You didn't have to. Do your job. Okay. Headline deflated that old woman. Didn't understand any of that, if I'm being honest. That's okay. You didn't have to. Do your joke. Okay. Headline. United Airlines pays man $10,000 to get off plane. Damn.

Starting point is 00:30:31 I don't know how to jerk off a 747. That was the joke. I don't want to jerk off a plane. That's it. Yeah. I just, yeah. I liked it. A mechanical T-Rex exploded, setting fire to a prehistoric themed attraction.

Starting point is 00:30:45 Authorities say they haven't seen this many flaming dinosaurs since the Palm Springs Pride Parade. Old and gay. Old and gay, dude. Hell yeah. A sheriff bought a beach home. A sheriff this weekend. Like from Toy Story. Not the Buzz Lightyear.

Starting point is 00:31:01 The other guy. A sheriff, you know, and it costs more money to import goods from a certain nation. A non-space doll sheriff bought a beach home with funds supposed to go to inmates. When questioned,

Starting point is 00:31:13 the sheriff started, stated, not started, the sheriff stated, let them eat rape. Okay. Did I add the funds were supposed to be for their food? Because that would have helped.

Starting point is 00:31:30 You didn't add that. Basically, you added so many words. You said the word sheriff about ten times. Sheriff. All right, guys. A San Francisco airport terminal is set to be renamed after Harvey Milk. Damn, that must be where they jerk off all the planes. What?

Starting point is 00:31:52 A satellite shaped like a giant disco ball is expected to reenter the Earth's atmosphere this week. NASA says it may crash land in California, causing an extinction event at the Palm Springs Pride Parade. We both double-tapped. Mine's a different thing. So a deputy. You know deputies. A woman. One of a different thing. So a deputy. You know deputies. A woman. One of those vagina fellas.

Starting point is 00:32:14 A woman has made the news for getting her wedding day parking spot she prayed for. God responded, whoops, that was the wedding day's parking spot email. I meant to respond to the bleeding make Parkland stop email. Enjoy your wedding, dick man. What?

Starting point is 00:32:32 I just love the idea of a guy being like, oh, I granted the wrong word. Yeah, no, I get the idea. It was just, that was word soup. I gotta be honest, I didn't get the idea. That joke was like the verbal equivalent of like a kid knocking a vase over and then trying to glue it back together and hoping their mom won't notice but like it's clearly like upside down and not put together right thank you yeah that joke was a brady bunch episode yeah it's the one where the tiki god cursed you to be fucking retarded the tiki god it's tito for rocket tower what are you talking about? The tardigod? He said retard something.

Starting point is 00:33:08 Did you say retard? I said retarded. Oh, okay. The Mean Boys. Which is a variation. Tom just sneezed twice. Objection, Your Honor. The Mean Boys will be right back.

Starting point is 00:33:24 Twisted Nerve Productions is America's number one name in high octane regional holiday events from the infamous Santa's Village 2017 to our annual fall hip hop festival Thanksgiving Twisted Nerve knows how you want to celebrate the holidays with two barrels full of seasonal

Starting point is 00:33:39 cheer and festivity crammed in your joy hole but we're locked, and pulling the trigger because Twisted Nerve is taking over the Orange County Fairgrounds to bring you Sunday Bloody Easter Sunday. That's right. It's everyone's fifth favorite Jesus-related holiday. And we're coming in with a party so off the fucking rails

Starting point is 00:33:57 that Christ will be risen and you will be jizzed. This event is being thrown in conjunction with the Catholic Archdiocese of Newport Beach and Psychopathic Records. Neither of them knew the other one was involved, and no one's that stoked about it. It's an outdoor springtime jamboree that will steal your car and eat your dog. We've got an Easter egg painting station. That's right, Egglands Best are here, and they're round, ready, and begging for you to blast a load of weird vinegar stuff all over their hot, nasty shelves. Where else can you put a tribal tramp stamp on a fucking egg? Nowhere. That's where.

Starting point is 00:34:30 Get a picture with the Easter Bunny. But don't let your mom near him because it's Motley Crue drummer Tommy Lee in the suit. He's here. He's working off a DUI. And he's ready to pipe up some madres. Hungry? We thought so. Throw your fat family in the back of your car and drive 95 miles an hour on the wrong side of the freeway because the first hundred people here

Starting point is 00:34:50 get a free handful of loose jelly beans. That's right. We bought a 50 ton drum of jelly bellies at a discount rate. Why? Because one of the Malaysian kids that works at the factory drowned in it. He passed away and now he's passing the savings on to you. You want to know what flavor they are? Ask someone who cares, pussy lips. factory drowned in it. He passed away, and now he's passing the savings on to you. You

Starting point is 00:35:05 want to know what flavor they are? Ask someone who cares, pussy lips. You're getting them unlabeled, disorganized, and ready to get gang-fucked by your teeth. Oh, did you think that was the only sweet treat you were going to get today? Well, think again, dork, because it wouldn't be Easter without motherfucking Peeps. That's right, they're marshmallows, they're birds, they're technically edible, and we've got That's right. They're marshmallows. They're birds. They're technically edible. And we've got every fucking color. They're gonna be there. Yellow.

Starting point is 00:35:31 Pink. Purple. Orange. Brown. I think they do a chocolate one or something. And blue. But save room because at noon it's time for the Twisted Nerve to the Donkey Brunch. We glazed a ham and full throttle energy drink.

Starting point is 00:35:44 Left it in a hot room for three days, made it listen to that first Pennywise album, and when we came back, it was the size of a Volkswagen. Move over, Jesus,

Starting point is 00:35:53 because you're not the only thing that came out of a cave with magic powers that's gonna piss off a lot of Jews. And all your favorite sides are getting in on the action.

Starting point is 00:36:00 Mashed potatoes, mac and cheese, yams, looking for green beans? Look in a graveyard. We've got more family-friendly activities than you can shake a bag of broken glass at. Tug of war, hide-and-go-seek, and the three-legged

Starting point is 00:36:14 race. That's when Tommy Lee takes a smoke break from being the Easter Bunny and starts dragging his big, horny retard dick through the park, looking for moms to pork. And of course, the reason you came. The motherfucking Easter egg, huh? That's right. We're pulling out all the stops. And this

Starting point is 00:36:30 year we've got more dropped eggs than a bathroom trash can at Lilith Fair. You think you can find these eggs? Well, break out the morphine, Sherlock, because this shit is airtight. We hired the guy who killed Jimmy Hoffa to hide them all by hand. When he was done, we killed him and his family so no one could figure out where they were.

Starting point is 00:36:46 Nobody on Earth knows where these eggs are. Solve this riddle and win yourself a $7 gift card to Rally's. That's right, Rally's, because you live somewhere terrible, and the Sonic is closed. Sunday, bloody Easter Sunday. Oh, my goodness. The Mean Boys podcast is back. With a quick reminder that we are going on tour in the month of April.

Starting point is 00:37:10 Oh, my God. Yeah, we're going to be in Milwaukee, Chicago, Fort Wayne, Indiana, Detroit, Michigan, Cleveland, Ohio, Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, Washington, D.C., Philadelphia, and New York motherfucking city. Show me your places. I don't know why you're doing this voice. You guys are already starting to buy tickets. We're stoked. Keep buying them. We are excited to come see you guys.

Starting point is 00:37:27 Everything is on sale except for Cleveland right now. Yep, it's all on MeanBoysPodcast.com. And get them online because they're more expensive at the door. So we're looking forward to seeing you guys and pressing the flesh. And really just finding out what you guys look like is very exciting. And then realizing, oh, we were right. I got a picture every crowd is going to look like the bar from Star Wars. I feel like there's going to be like, is that guy?

Starting point is 00:37:47 That guy has tentacles that he's surgically attached to. I was imagining like dangerous Teletubbies, but that also. Dude, that's what you are. That's your album. Stabby Wabby. Change your Twitter bio to dangerous Teletubby right now. I might have to do that. That's the best thing you've ever said, Tom.

Starting point is 00:38:04 Fucking shit. That is spot on. Oh, man. That's the best thing you've ever said, Tom. Fucking shit. That is spot on. Oh, man. Well, we're back with another installment of a game we played a couple months ago suggested by a fan of the show, Paige Wesley. This is called Lost in Translation. The way this game works, I give you the foreign translated name of an American movie and then some options.

Starting point is 00:38:19 You guys have to figure out which movie got translated to this. And there is like, I was doing a lot of research for this. Every single movie has an insane fucking name. Overseas. Like, Japan and China particularly cannot get their shit together in terms of understanding what our shit means. Pokemon's the same in both countries.

Starting point is 00:38:36 It's because Pokemon came from Japan. Coming over here, it seems fine. But we send shit over. Well, let's just start and I'll give you an idea of what I'm talking about. Number one, rather, Satan Female Soldier. Well, let's just start, and I'll give you an idea of what I'm talking about. A, or number one, rather, Satan Female Soldier. Oh, shit. Which movie is called Satan Female Soldier? Is it A, G.I. Jane, B, Kill Bill Volume 1, C, Mulan, or D, Katy Perry, Part of Me 3D?

Starting point is 00:39:00 Fuck. It was Satan Kill Boy Soldier? Nope. Satan Female Soldier. Soldier? Nope. Satan, Female Soldier. Oh, okay. Oh. None of those movies particularly satanic. I don't know how many Jews Katy Perry had in the production.

Starting point is 00:39:16 I mean, they're always wearing hats, presumably to hide the horns. Good thing we haven't dug back into the same anti-Semitism hole we were in last episode. I was not anti-Semitic. Tom, name ten more Jews. No, I'm just kidding. Oh, dude, Tom, name ten Jews. It's an all-timer. You could barely do it.

Starting point is 00:39:34 You were like, ah, shit. Half a Lenny Kravitz, that's three. I don't think about people. What? Like, in general, I'm not like, oh, the Jews walking by. I'm just like, that's dangerous. The dangerous Teletubby version of Tom, the little TV on his stomach is just playing Birth of a Nation. Yeah, I don't either, really.

Starting point is 00:39:59 I don't really think of like. Like, if you were to ask me, name 10 black people, I'd be like, the other half of Lenny Kravitz? Like, I wouldn't be able to do that. I said name ten white people. It'd still be difficult for me. I'm just like, ah, fuck. What is... Name ten numbers. Okay.

Starting point is 00:40:17 Ichi, ni, san, shi, go, roku, shi, to, hachi, kyu, ju. Wait, is ju ten? Yes. Oh, shit. That's why I didn't... Name 10 Jews. The number 10 in Japanese.

Starting point is 00:40:32 Boom, I'm done. Checkmate. Yeah. Oh, boom. The fucking loophole, bitch. All right, I'm going to guess that it's Kill Bill. Okay. I'm also thinking...

Starting point is 00:40:42 What was it? G.I. Jane? G.I. Jane, Kill Bill Volume 1, Mulan, or Katy Perry, Part of Me 3D. I'm going to go Mulan. Okay, the correct answer, A, G.I. Jane. Really? Yeah. What I've got to figure is that China is not super stoked on a lady in the military.

Starting point is 00:40:56 Yeah, that sounds right. So that's something they whip in. All right, number two, slightly pregnant. What? The role of a woman in China is to die on a porch because no one's held her for long enough. Wait, slightly pregnant? Slightly pregnant. Is it the movie Knocked Up?

Starting point is 00:41:12 A, Juno. B, Knocked Up. C, Rosemary's Baby. Or D, Alien. What's Rosemary's Baby about? Is there an abortion? It's about a lady who gets pregnant with the Antichrist. Okay, slightly pregnant.

Starting point is 00:41:27 It's got to be A or B. Yeah, that's too fun-loving and fun to be like the alien. That's like a state that only Keith's mother can relate to. It's like I was slightly pregnant. Pregnant adjacent. Yeah, well, thankfully I got the 10th stamp on my Flame Broiler rewards card, so I get a free one. I got utero, but I'm not, like, in utero. I love that one.

Starting point is 00:41:51 I'm going to say Juno. Okay. I'm going to say knocked up. I'm going to say a loose collection of vowels. Yeah, that's how I work. I'm going to say something eventually, but for now, nonsense. The great dancers be knocked up. Tom gets the point.

Starting point is 00:42:09 First one on the board. Stop dabbing. Don't you dare dab on my fucking podcast, Tom. Our podcast, Tom. Number three is one of my favorite ones. Point of order. Number three, a super tough kangaroo. Yes, yes yes yes

Starting point is 00:42:25 Tommy's clapping like a special needs child you're clapping like a symbol monkey like an excited seal yes yes yes yes which of these movies is known in Japan as a super tough kangaroo is it A. Mr. Mom B. Creed

Starting point is 00:42:41 C. Crocodile D. The Pacifier? These were not the movies I was expecting. What were you? Those are the four kangaroo films. The Left Off Kangaroo Jack. Yeah, there's nothing to do with a kangaroo. Oh, no, there's a kangaroo in The Pacifier.

Starting point is 00:43:01 Is there? I think so. I've never seen The Pacifier. I won't spoil it, but I'm going to Google The Pac... I just know for some reason that there's a kangaroo in that movie. Wait, you... What? I don't know.

Starting point is 00:43:11 Let me look it up. There's no space kangaroos. Why would you watch this movie? All right, I'm looking it up, and I realize I'm completely incorrect. Oh, you're thinking of Kangaroo 2, Hyperoo. I'm looking at it. There's absolutely no evidence That there is a kangaroo In the movie

Starting point is 00:43:25 The Passive Hour Wait Come on man I felt like there was Can we hear The options again For a super tough kangaroo A. Mr. Mom

Starting point is 00:43:36 B. And what is that about Mr. Mom is a movie With Michael Keaton Where he has to stay home And be a mom Is he Australian Which was a

Starting point is 00:43:43 Crazy idea In the 80s. Yeah. B, Creed. C, Crocodile Dundee. Or D, The Pacifier. You know what? I'm going to go The Pacifier.

Starting point is 00:43:54 Just because at this point, there's some kind of instinct here that I've got to trust. I've got to turn myself over to it. God, I'm going to go maximum racist on this one and say creed why would that even be racist i'm guessing japan i don't know because they don't know what a kangaroo is and they thought it was a monkey i don't know why it'd be right oh okay the blame has shifted onto you well let's get off of this the correct answer is d the pacifier okay dude fuck yeah i didn't assume it's because they think vin diesel looks like a kangaroo. Well, I mean, I'm not saying that's a true thing. We have got to move away from what you're doing.

Starting point is 00:44:29 Well, yeah, no, I mean, I thought similarly. They're super racist up there, and that seems like something they do. Up there? Yeah. It's north of us. Is China north of California? Yes. I think so.

Starting point is 00:44:39 Yeah, it is, yes. All right, number four. I'm drunk and you're a prostitute. Is that A, true romance? That's the first lyrics of Call Me Maybe. B, leaving Las Vegas. C, Sin City. Or D, taxi driver.

Starting point is 00:44:55 I'm going Leaving Las Vegas, which is a movie, the plot of which I only know because of a family guy bit. What's the name? Where Benjamin, what's that guy that does Bob's Burgers? Oh, Owen Benjamin. Or no, not Owen Benjamin. Bob Benjamin? Not Bob. Bob's Burgers.

Starting point is 00:45:10 H.R. Benjamin? John Benjamin. John Benjamin? Yeah, he describes it. Yeah, Archer Benjamin. He describes it in a fucking, in a bit with Chris. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Starting point is 00:45:18 I remember that. Yeah, yeah. I've gotten most of my pop culture secondhand from the Simpsons and Family Guy. What was A&B? True Romance and Leaving Las Vegas. What is A and B? True Romance and Leaving Las Vegas. What is True Romance? True Romance is the first script Quentin Tarantino ever sold.

Starting point is 00:45:30 It's got Christian Slater and Patricia Arquette as a dude and a hooker who kill a drug dealer and go on the run. I gotta go Leaving Las Vegas. Great answer. Here's Leaving Las Vegas. Yeah. That's a pretty accurate assessment of that plot. All right. Number five.

Starting point is 00:45:44 Big Liar. Now, that's an okay title, but which of the following movies is it the title for? A, Nixon. B. What? B, W. C, I, Tonya. Or D, The Passion of the Christ.

Starting point is 00:45:58 Ooh. Well, here's the real game here, because these could all work, except The Passion of the Christ is a joke one, but it's like, which movie would Keith be the most likely to google the name for the itania itania feels good but also nixon keith knows that i i'm a i'm a nixon nixon head and i i love george bush's comedy uh so w yeah i'm looking forward to his Netflix 15. I would totally watch him do state. Like just the George Bush has the best joke in any White House correspondence dinner ever. It's like a year ago. My approval ratings were in the 30s.

Starting point is 00:46:35 My nomination for the Supreme Court had just been shut down and my vice president had shot someone in the face. Those were the good old days. I want to meet the guy who wrote that. It's a good joke. I'm going to say I, Tonya. Okay. I'm going to say... I'm going to say...

Starting point is 00:46:52 Nixon. Great Dancer is Nixon. God damn it. It was just on the list. I didn't even Google it specifically. Do love I, Tonya, though. All right. Great movie.

Starting point is 00:47:02 We got a couple more, but I switched it around this time. This time, I'll give you the regular name of the movie. You have to tell me which of these is the Japanese or Chinese title for it. Okay. All right. Number six, Babe. Which of the following is the foreign title for Babe? Oh, the pig movie?

Starting point is 00:47:14 Babe. Okay, you know what, Babe. Love that movie. Yeah. So is it A, Talking Pork Hero? B, Ham Shepherd No. 1? Whoa. C, The Happy Dumpling to who talks and solves agricultural problems.

Starting point is 00:47:30 Or D, pig defeats dog in quest for the love of man. Oh, it's got to be Talking Pork Hero. Dude, that is the number one, like, flash game of 2008. Dude, can you beat Talking Pork Hero? I can't. It's been on the front page of Newgrounds for months. What was not the really long one? It was Talking Pork Hero.

Starting point is 00:47:53 Ham Shepard number one. That's the after show about Babe hosted by Chris Hardwick. In Japan. Japanese Chris Hardwick. Welcome back to Pork Hero. Son. That's Japanese. Oh, yeah.

Starting point is 00:48:04 See, it was the happy dumpling to be who talks. I'm at Neldist on the tweets. God damn it. I didn't hear what he said. That is a precision strike piece of racism. What did you say? I missed it. I missed it.

Starting point is 00:48:24 Japanese Chris Hardwick is at Neldist on Twitter no he's actually at Haldwick Jesus Christ oh fuck sorry everybody that's so good though sorry

Starting point is 00:48:43 C is the happy dumpling to be who talks and solves agricultural problems. And D is pig defeats dog in quest for the love of man. We go A. What's your guess? Welcome back to at 8 a.m. in the morning over here. I'm talking pork heroes, I guess. The correct answer is C, the happy dumpling to be the toxin self-agricultural problem. Are you fucking serious?

Starting point is 00:49:07 A hand to God. God damn it, dude. I was like, that one is too funny and too jokey and too goddamn long to be real. I got a few more of these, and they're all pretty rough. Holy fuck. Number seven, Batman and Robin. Oh, no. Batman and Robin.

Starting point is 00:49:22 A, homosexual crime destroyers. B, nipple suit American assassinates the snowman. C, leather police captain and feminine slave child. Or D, come to my cave and wear this rubber codpiece, cute boy. Whoa. These all sound like you made them up to be funny. Yeah. That's the game.

Starting point is 00:49:43 Yeah. I figured it out. Well done, you. Yeah. Shit. You might have to run those again yeah what a homosexual crime destroyers that is i was like okay that one's out and now i'm like that is a front runner yeah b nipple suit american assassinates the snowman c leather police captain and feminine slave child. Or D. Come to my cave and wear this rubber codpiece, cute boy. I'm going to say C. Okay.

Starting point is 00:50:12 I got to go C. These all sound like me drunkenly trying to remember the movie. Yeah, they do. Yeah. Japanese people speak in lightning round. That's what we're learning. I'm going to go A. The correct answer, D, come to my cave and wear this rubber coat. No way.

Starting point is 00:50:31 No fucking shit. That one's from, I think, Hong Kong. It's a Chinese one. What? Two more. Number eight, idiocracy. A, dumb dumb city. I hate this.

Starting point is 00:50:42 B, buffoon lagoon. C, Absurdistan. Or D, Nonsense-ylvania. Okay. I got to figure that they can't do like a phonetic parody of these places. I don't think it would translate. So saying Absurdistan or fucking shit-dick-sylvania. What were the first two?

Starting point is 00:51:05 Dumb Dumb City and Buffoon Lagoon. I'm going to go Dumb Dumb City. Okay. I think Connor's right, but I'm going to go Buffoon Lagoon. The correct answer is C, Absurdistan. Oh, God damn it. I know. I'm going to be honest with you.

Starting point is 00:51:19 I only included that one because I thought of the phrase Buffoon Lagoon, and it made me laugh for about 12 minutes. It just seems like if Tom had a water park. Buffoon lagoon. Alright, and the last one. Nathan Camp in the hospital was showing me videos of this theme park that got shut down because it was too hard for him. Oh, Action Park?

Starting point is 00:51:37 Action Park, yeah. Action Park rips, dude. Yeah, they have a water slide loop and I was just like, yeah, that seems dangerous. He's like, Connor, water can't go upside down. And I was like, oh, man, you're right. He's like, it's made of metal. It'd be out in the sun, so you get third-degree burns doing the loop. They're making a movie about Action Park with Johnny Knoxville.

Starting point is 00:51:54 Oh, that's cool. Yeah, where it's a movie, but then they just do jackass shit at Action Park. Yeah, it looks pretty good. Are the jackass guys going to be in it? Knoxville is, and Pontius is. I don't know if the rest of them are going to show up i'm really proud of steve-o yeah i'm probably i was doing all right i was looking as he tweeted something the other day and i was like man good for you steve-o yeah of all the people in that crew to end up okay yeah yeah yeah and bam is

Starting point is 00:52:16 seems to be falling on tough times i'm not proud i was reading this thing in like some skateboard magazine with him where he like is kind of getting it together now. Okay. Well, he went and skated in Spain for the first time in a few years, and he seems like he's losing weight. Was he the guy who set himself on fire or whatever it was? Probably. I think that was Steve-O, actually. I don't know. They all did dumb shit. Anyway, last one. Cool Runnings. Wait. Jamaican

Starting point is 00:52:37 Bob's that tea. Yeah, that's the one. Okay. Tom, what? Jamaican Bob's that tea. All right. They sing it. The following is the Japanese title for Cool Runnings. A, Coconuts in the Snow. B, Dark Winter. C. That's a Thor movie.

Starting point is 00:52:54 C, Fat American Tame Savage Speedmen. Or D. I told you they were racist. Or D, Black and White and Sled All Over. Oh, it can't be D. I'm going to go C. Okay. Yeah, just because I'm like, it's got to be offensive.

Starting point is 00:53:09 There's no way they're doing this right. I'm going to go with the Thor one. What? Dark Winter. Yeah, Dark Winter. Oh, I said it sounded like a Thor movie. Okay, I missed that. The correct answer is A, Coconuts in the Snow.

Starting point is 00:53:24 Oh, man. man yeah what a dumb country it just sounds like a good cocktail you know yeah it's like it's like all full of rum and yeah well that was lost in translation wow well well done keith yeah this is a game this is a new regular game because yeah this is gonna be funny to me forever yeah this is a tough one the mean boys podcast will be right back the mean Mean Boys Podcast, as always, is sponsored by Studio Headphones. Premium audio listening products for your enjoyment. Comfortably designed, stylishly made. For your ears.

Starting point is 00:53:52 Yeah, specifically for your ears. That's where they go. Yeah. We're wearing the Regents right now. That's the premium on-ear model. Very comfortable. You can wear them around all day without getting that headphone ear cramp fatigue. Not none of that. The cord is fatigue. I don't know that. The cord is magical.

Starting point is 00:54:06 It's got a flat auxiliary cord. I've never once been able to tangle it, despite my best efforts. Yeah. And if you're not a cord guy, it's got hours and hours of Bluetooth life on one charge. Battery lasts forever, dude. It does. And you know what? You use your headphones every day.

Starting point is 00:54:20 Make a little investment in yourself. Treat yourself to something that you're going to use all the time. And just watch your quality of life improve a little bit. You're worth it. And the best part of all is that you get 15% off if you go to the website studiosweden.com and use promo code meanboys. That is studiosweden.com promo code meanboys.

Starting point is 00:54:37 Whoa. We have our own promo code. Use that to buy these headphones. Thanks, Tom. And the Mean Boys podcast returns to play a round of our favorite game, Witch of the Following. Woo! Is it our favorite, though? Well, I barely like it.

Starting point is 00:54:57 Woo! I like it. I love it, man. It's fine. Woo! Dude, Witch of the Following is great. I mean, who doesn't love reading a list of things several times?

Starting point is 00:55:08 Yeah. And then saying them out loud and going, hmm. Maybe it could be this one. Yeah. It could also be the other one. Are we saying this before or after the Sesame Street music? Oh, yeah. I forgot the music is from Sesame Street.

Starting point is 00:55:22 This will be after Sesame Street. We're going to get sued by such a strange group of human beings. Which will be awesome. At some point, we're going to have pending lawsuits from the band Death Grips,

Starting point is 00:55:30 Sesame Street, and the nation of Japan. Yeah, I got it. And maybe Chris Hothwick. Have you ever been subpoenaed by Big Bird? It doesn't feel good. This week's game

Starting point is 00:55:41 comes to us from a mean boy. I'll see you in court, fuckface. Is that how Big Bird tops? Kind of. Why does Big Bird sound like a Dr. Strangelove bad guy? I'm not far off.

Starting point is 00:55:51 What? A Dr. Strangelove bad guy? You mean the concept of nuclear war? Yeah. Are you thinking of Dr. Strange? No. What am I thinking of? I think it might be Victor.

Starting point is 00:56:00 I don't know. House. I'm thinking of like a Courage the Cowardly Dog. Okay. House. Dr. I love House. Dude, that Doctor Strangelove. Dude, Courage the Cowardly Dog sucks dick. Dude, fuck yourself out this window.

Starting point is 00:56:12 That show's great. No, man. No, that show rules. It's not entertaining for kids. It's super entertaining for kids. It's too scary. I know. Kids like scary shit.

Starting point is 00:56:19 You guys going to watch the Roger's Neighborhood documentary? Shut up. Roger's Neighborhood is just about like a shitty part of Queens. Hey, you do it. It's me, Roger. It's a scummy day in the neighborhood. Day in the fucking rents, too, in the neighborhood. I never talk to my neighbors. Oh, fucking shit, I hate my neighbors.

Starting point is 00:56:42 Dying alone in the neighborhood. They won't find my body till way later. Cooking meth in the basement of my neighborhood. I think the neighbor killed a guy. I think my neighbor's been dead for a week. The fucking trolley through the fucking world of make-believe is just like a broken subway train. Yeah. Like a passed out junkie who's choking on their puke.

Starting point is 00:57:02 In Japan, it's called the one good pedophile. God. All right. This one comes to us from Mean Boys early adopter. Oh, God, I'm dying. Early adopter, Rick. Oh, my God, Morty. Listen to the show. Back when it was bad.

Starting point is 00:57:16 So this is from Caitlin Massey, a.k.a. Fanny Crap Chanter. Oh, Caitlin. We love Caitlin. Hi, Connor. Here's she knows that I checked the email. Here's the witch of the following game. It may be too gross or too much of a bummer for even the Mean Boys. You decide. Oh, Caitlyn. We love Caitlyn. Hi, Connor. She knows that I checked the email. Here's to which of the following game. It may be too gross or too much of a bummer for even the mean boys.

Starting point is 00:57:28 You decide. Oh, shit. Love Caitlyn. This is why we love Caitlyn. Everyone says that, and then it's never that bad. Which of the following is not a symptom of menopause? She writes parenthetically, remember to be nice to your moms, aunts, grandmas, etc. Oh, always considerate that, Caitlyn.

Starting point is 00:57:44 A, nausea. My mom sold her uterus for meth 20 years ago, so I don't think she's going to hit menopause. Your mom's uterus is in a pawn shop in the fucking South Bay. You can get that in a base in Torrance. Yeah, so it's fucking, yeah, the Bruce Willis used it to attack Marcellus Wallace. A, nausea. B, bleeding gums. C, bloodshot eyes. or D, increased sex drive.

Starting point is 00:58:08 You know, symptoms of menopause? Yeah. Run them one more time real quick. Nausea, bleeding gums, bloodshot eyes, and increased sex drive. Sex drive is definitely a thing. Yeah. Old ladies like to bang. Yeah, that cougar action.

Starting point is 00:58:24 You know that cougar action. You know that cougar action. I know it well. What's the oldest person you've ever fucked, Keith? 45. That's pretty good. Didn't I pick you up from that? Oh, you did, yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Starting point is 00:58:37 What a good wingman I am. Yeah, well, how about you, Tom? I think like 33, but at the time I was like 21. Okay, that's a good jump. I've done 38. How old were you? 22. Okay.

Starting point is 00:58:51 Yeah. I was definitely a coug type situation. Yeah, that's the same age gap as between me and 45, because I'm 29. Okay. Yeah. And this was this year? Yeah, this was like this month. Oh, yeah.

Starting point is 00:59:01 Okay. Wait, was I there? No. We don't need to dig too deep into this one. Oh, okay. Yeah. Anyway, was I there? No. We don't need to dig too deep into this one. Oh, okay. Yeah. Anyway, I think it's Bloodshot Eyes. All right.

Starting point is 00:59:09 I think it's nausea. All right. The wrong one is Bloodshot. The right one is Bloodshot Eyes. Hell yeah, dude. Yeah. Keith's on the board, dude. Keith knows all about that fucking.

Starting point is 00:59:19 That's too bad. I think it would be funny to fuck someone who's just like, Satan. If you want to fuck someone with Bloodshot eyes, just pick any comedian. Oh, man. I've been working at this call center, and I had to get up at 6. I was at Flapper's until 3 in the morning. Yeah, all right. Make me come fast.

Starting point is 00:59:36 I'm going to get another call for Uber. All right, guys. A, ringing ears. B, herpes flare-ups. C, shrinking breasts. Or D, spinal changes I'm going through changes Dude, your spine is changing

Starting point is 00:59:52 What? Spinal changes is what they call The Dark Knight Rises in China Broke his back, dude What were the first three? Ringing ears Herpes flare-ups Shrinking breasts

Starting point is 01:00:03 And spinal changes. Crickety crack, I broke your back. No, did you just step on a crack, Batman? Because I broke your fucking back. I might be bad, but I like to have fun. A pun never hurts anybody, unlike capitalism or something. I'm going to go with the smalling of titties. The smalling.

Starting point is 01:00:25 The smalling of titties. Are youing. The smalling of titties. Are you sure she wasn't just in the pool? Dude, imagine if your tits shrank when it got cold. They kind of do because you put jackets over them. But they get firmer. Yeah, visually they shrink, but they're still there. Yeah, that's true. You're not compacting them.

Starting point is 01:00:39 Yeah, well, I mean, sometimes you want to bundle them up. Weird pop culture titty shrinking story. When they were filming the first Star Wars movie, Carrie Fisher's tits were too big. And George Lucas was like, you need to have less tits in that dress. So they had to duct tape them down with gaffer tape. No shit. At the end of the day, they'd have... George Lucas is a pedophile.

Starting point is 01:00:56 That's what I'm learning. She was of age. Yeah. Well, no. I mean, he wanted her to have small breasts, like a beautiful child. Well, I think it was just because she couldn't wear a bra in that dress and she couldn't be all flippity-floppity. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:01:05 You know what I mean? Running around the Death Star. That would be funny if in Star Wars Leia's tits were just like flat around. Yeah, just like stormtroopers.

Starting point is 01:01:14 It was like, this movie would have been exciting if I could focus on any of it. But no, but yeah, at the end of the day she would like raffle off who got to rip the tape off her tits.

Starting point is 01:01:23 That's funny. Carrie Fisher was such a rad bitch. I had a girl offer to fuck me in a Leia slave bikini one time. Why would you not do that? I'm so depressed that I'm just like, I don't care. Like, I don't know. Like, this feels... Just do it to say you did it.

Starting point is 01:01:36 Yeah, I mean, I was just like... He looks genuinely upset. I'm not going to lie. I'm not... You fuck some high caliber ladies, so I know whoever this was, it was a good situation. Oh, she's a great gal, but I was just like, I don't like i don't know i mean i'm really i'm too sad to fuck and i and looking back on it i was my favorite day kennedy song i do a party if i got my pills i'm sitting in the corner and i'm still just petting the dog

Starting point is 01:02:00 drinking tap water talking to the dad gonna drive home early and watch Star Trek in bed I'm too sad to fuck I'm too sad to fuck I think it's uh here's my only problem with this question is like herpes flare ups like if you already have herpes maybe yeah I assume it's if you already

Starting point is 01:02:21 have herpes yeah but that's what I'm saying I don't know if she's trying to fucking trick-a-roo she's not I'll tell you that okay so it's if you already have herpes. Yeah, but that's what I'm saying. I don't know if she's trying to fucking trick-a-roo. She's not. I'll tell you that. Okay. So it's not herpes? No. Cool. Thanks, buddy.

Starting point is 01:02:31 That made the game easier for you guys. In that case, I'm going to say it's... What was it again? Ringing ears. That one. Tommy Goss. I already said the smalling of titties. Yeah, spinal changes.

Starting point is 01:02:39 Not a thing. What? Yeah, spinal changes. Oh, man. That seems... Well, it is a thing. That was such a haunting way to phrase that. I knew it had... I thought it had to be real. It is a thing. What? Yeah, spinal cord. Oh, man. That seems... It is a thing. That was such a haunting way to phrase that. I knew it had...

Starting point is 01:02:46 I thought it had to be real. It is a thing. No, it is because Michael Bay... Michael... Turn and face the back. I just broke it. League of Shadows hired me. I can't break back.

Starting point is 01:03:04 You get shorter as you get older i know if maybe it was related to menopause that was my thinking indeed yep let's do continue with the game let's do a whole episode bane boys everybody does bane the entire time the number one podcast of 2013 fuck everything gotham is in ashes. Yes. The guy's name was Robin. Not actually Robin, but a fun nod to the books. Oh, Teddy Smalley.

Starting point is 01:03:33 What? What do you think you're doing? We're at the Council of Banes. Who's this guy? Explain yourself. Oh, Snarf Snarf. We have an imposter in our midst. The guy thinks he's alpha or something. You know nothing of Bane.

Starting point is 01:03:46 Yeah, but tell the Bane. Get your shit together. The Bane of the Banes, if I might say. Fine, I'm Mr. Freeze. What? Learn how to do any voice, dipshit. Mr. Freeze. What?

Starting point is 01:03:59 Did you say Easter freeze? Mr. Freeze. Is this when you have leftover deviled eggs? Freeze them. No, I make it the cold. You put the chocolate rabbit in the freezer so that he's crispy. I make it the cold rabbit. It breaks off into what I refer to as flavor shards.

Starting point is 01:04:15 Hold up. I've got to sort things out with Italian, Mr. Freeze. My gut just creates a hurricane. Me and Mr. Gelato. What does Mr. Freeze do? Does he just throw de jarros at people like Destructo Discs? Is that his whole thing? Yes.

Starting point is 01:04:29 All right. Can I talk to Asian Killer Croc? You put him on the line. Okay. I don't know how to Killer Croc talk. So I just Mr. Freeze. That'd be killer walk How about you just

Starting point is 01:04:47 go back to being Solomon Grundy without any powers That's kind of what you want to do I don't know him either Just be Tom I was born on a Tuesday

Starting point is 01:04:54 Dude I hope Garfield dies on a Sunday So he doesn't have to So he doesn't have to live through one more Monday I've been trying to write that Mean Boys

Starting point is 01:05:03 sketch for like six months I was like what does Garfield's funeral look like? Alright, round number three, which is the following, is not a real menstruation situation. Menopause?

Starting point is 01:05:13 We should call it woman-pause. We should menistart this round. There's not a real menopause. Punnery. A. Jaw pain. B. Progressively muscle weakness. Progressive muscle weakness. Not in Bane's house.

Starting point is 01:05:28 Not up in here. Get wrecked. Check out these gains. Bane gains. Crossfit. C, yeast infection. I was born in the crossfit. Or D, heart palpitations.

Starting point is 01:05:41 Sorry, can you say them again? Not as Bane. Okay. Yeah, let me do them as a guy that sounds a lot suspiciously like Bane, but it is a Bane. We'll do it as not Bane wearing a big mustache. Yes, I'd like to apply for a loan to buy fertilizer for my farm. Oh, you're looking for Bane? He went that-a-way.

Starting point is 01:05:59 I was doing a fake mustache on a podcast. I know. That was me getting the character. A, jaw pain. B, progressive muscle weakness. C, yeast infection. Or D, heart palpitations. Batman.

Starting point is 01:06:18 No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Bane wins. Bane, Bane, Bane, Bane, Bane, Bane, Bane, Bane. Bane, Bane, Bane. Tom is so over Bane. Mr. Freeze. I do like vague European Mr. Freeze. I guess he's from Portugal now.

Starting point is 01:06:40 I love the cold. I love the cold. I love the cold. I love the cold. It's a so spicy cold. It's a spicy cold. Hey. I love the cold. I love the cold. I love the cold. It's a spicy cold. It's a spicy cold. It's a cold. No one to run from.

Starting point is 01:06:50 Get out of here, witchy with the sun. I only eat the frozen food. Oh, yes. It's stofus. That's a kind of frozen food. It's a bitch just trying to keep the ball in the air. Hot pockets. I like that these are the two easiest impressions to do in the world.

Starting point is 01:07:09 And you have failed on every level, you dumb piece of shit. You can't do Schwarzenegger or Bane. What can you do? Christ. Suck this dick. That's what you can do. Suck this fat Bane dick. It's got a little mask.

Starting point is 01:07:21 It helps him breathe. It's spooky. Yeah, it's like a concrete. You suck a dick. You got a mask. What. It doesn't breathe. It's spooky. Yeah, it's like a cockroach. You suck a dick. You got a mask. What? Why are you Oprah now? Look under your chairs.

Starting point is 01:07:30 There's a mask for you. You get a bad accent. You get a bad accent. I would say D. All right. You bail in comparison to Heath Ledger. A, who gives a shit? All right.

Starting point is 01:07:41 Progressive muscle weakness. You know, these fucking menopausal bitches are strong as hell, dog. Almost as strong as who? Bane. Oh, I have a craving for chocolate

Starting point is 01:07:51 or my pussy doesn't work. My eggs have dropped. Much like the bat. Hurt him real bad. Like Gotham after the bomb, I too am barren.

Starting point is 01:08:01 Yeah, physical therapy. Gotta go fix the government. Cold. All right. two and baron yeah physical therapy you gotta go fix the government cold all right hey tom what does the riddler sound like oh confusing jim carrey was me. Ha-cha-cha-cha. All right, Tom, hit us with a riddle, Riddler.

Starting point is 01:08:28 Oh, what looks like a snake but with a period? A question mark. Ah, correct. Oh, okay. I was thinking of animals. A bloody dick. Speaking of which, suck Bane's dick. Do you think Bane fucked? What's up dick Do you think Bane fucked?

Starting point is 01:08:47 What's up? Do you think Bane was fucking? No He's got the same mask on his dick hole No, because that's kind of like the whole plot of that movie You have a sleep apnea machine You have sex This could be done It's like the whole

Starting point is 01:08:57 I can't afford that machine It's like the whole plot of the movie He's getting kind of like cucked by Talia al Ghul Oh, yeah, yeah Yeah Alright, well, round number four Imagine Bane going on a date and not being able to close the deal you know it was a good night out yeah it was fun what do you think i mean hamilton tickets they're not cheap but i know on the inside i really appreciate it what what are you thinking about

Starting point is 01:09:20 doing later i mean is the night over did you want to come back to the prison pit? It's not as bad as it says. We've cleaned out a lot of the dankness. I live on the east side, and it's just kind of far to go back. Okay, well, I can call you an Uber afterwards. It's no problem. After what? After I break you.

Starting point is 01:09:38 What do you mean break? This is just recordings of Keith's conversation trying to get him to go to the basement. Yeah, Keith really adapted to this role quite well. It's relatable content. You were born in the friend zone. I was... I barely made you a mixtape in it. Alright, round of applause.

Starting point is 01:09:57 You don't like Dashboard Confessional? You do now. A, laws of coordination. A, laws of coordination. Bs of coordination. A. Laws of coordination. B. Blurry vision. C. Increased blood pressure. Or D. Electric shock sensation. Damn.

Starting point is 01:10:13 You want to feel the shock? Talk to Mr. Shock. I think he's right here. No, I'm cold. You got closer. I freeze. You freeze? Why did you do the...

Starting point is 01:10:24 I freeze. He's kind of getting it. Okay. I don't like You're pleased? Why did you do the... I'm pleased. He's kind of getting it. Okay. I don't like the sun. And then he's like, no, I've been doing the joke of this all time. Yeah, that was Ultron. Well done. Fucking the blood pressure one.

Starting point is 01:10:39 Hey. All right. The fake one, blurry vision. Damn. Dude, they got eagle eyes Dude, I don't like the powers women have They have eagle eyes, alright, they're uncorrupted by menstruation I like that we're referring to the concept of basic human body function as superpowers

Starting point is 01:10:55 Yeah, man Dude, they have good vision, what? I need them in feebles Alright guys, round number five, all real or all fake Burning Tongue Nightmares Crawling Skin And Tooth Movement These all sound like Linkin Park songs All real or all fake. Burning tongue, nightmares, crawling skin, and tooth movement.

Starting point is 01:11:06 These all sound like Linkin Park songs. Tooth movement. That's something the cavity creeps are trying to start. My tooth will crawl away. Up into my skin. Dude, what if... I can't really hear good. Okay, guys, hear me out.

Starting point is 01:11:23 What if the cavity creeps got red-pilled and turned alt-right? Shock my twat. What were they? Alt-right cavity creeps? Yeah, we put holes in juice or something. There's so many. Imagine the cavity creeps marching in Charlottesville. That'd be good.

Starting point is 01:11:42 Oh, God. You will not replace us. They're holding tiki torches. Yeah, that's the idea. Yeah. All right, guys. The tiki toothbrushes. Dude, I want a toothbrush torch.

Starting point is 01:11:55 That'd be cool. Dude, that'd be sick. That'd be like if you had a fun dentist who made his office look like a dungeon. You think that's a fun dentist? I think that's fun.

Starting point is 01:12:03 And then he's like, ooh, the most sinister devices To fix your mouth And he's like, we're actually very safe We're approved by the liberal board They play Dracula music whenever he walks in Yeah, yeah He's basically just like some old Jewish dentist

Starting point is 01:12:16 But just like dressed as Grandpa Monster Yeah, yeah, he puts, he like does grayness How you doing? I'm Mor, sorry, Count Morris Schwarzbaum DDS I'm coming in here. I've got a pain in my jaw. Oh, well, it might be because you've been wearing a fucking carburetor on your mouth for 12 years. Oh, that can't be it.

Starting point is 01:12:33 It's very comfortable. I feel pretty confident that's what it is. Just prove it. Okay, take it off. Can't do that. Tough to breathe. Okay, well, there's your problem. Well, I mean, I need it to breathe.

Starting point is 01:12:44 I need you to look at my teeth. Well, I can't look at your teeth if you don't take the mask off. I mean... Cut a hole in my face. So, I should just cut your cheek open. Yeah, just stitch it up, you know. Alright, because here's what I... I'm just going to tell you what my concern is, and I feel like you're telling me to do that now.

Starting point is 01:13:00 I feel like I'm not going to give a shit, but tell me. Okay, I think I'm going to do it. You're going to freak out. You're going to go all fucking muscle guy on me, and then you're going to kill me. Oh, I'm quite chill. give a shit, but tell me. Okay. I think I'm going to do it. You're going to freak out. You're going to go all fucking muscle guy on me, and then you're going to kill me. Oh, I'm quite chill. Okay. I took eight oxys. I had to snort them because of the mouth thing. I can't even see your nose either.

Starting point is 01:13:13 I don't know how you're putting it up near the ventilator. I've snorted a lot more oxy than that, but only a little bit. Yeah, how did he eat? Look, man, I've got this. I'll tell you how I eat. Your mom's pussy. That's how Bane eats. I never explained how he ate.

Starting point is 01:13:30 You'd figure like... He can take it off. Oh, he can? I thought he couldn't take it off. He just went for taco Tuesday. No, I can tell. You don't have to get that hole in my cheek. It turns out I can take this thing off.

Starting point is 01:13:39 Okay, because I have the scalpel here. I'm taking it off now and I feel a lot better. Okay, cool. Maybe 10 minutes a day, no mask. Cool, awesome. I'm going to cut your cheek open now. I haven't been eating food for years. No wonder I'm taking it off now and I feel a lot better. Maybe ten minutes a day, no mask. Cool, awesome. I'm going to cut your cheek open now. I haven't been eating food for years. No wonder I'm so angry.

Starting point is 01:13:49 I'm dead. I robbed that bank. I thought that was the other movie. I probably robbed a bank too. I'm a bad guy. I think you robbed a bank. You robbed the stock market. Oh, yeah.

Starting point is 01:13:58 We've talked more about The Dark Knight Rises than anyone has in ten years. Yeah, man. I just watched the movie movie a couple weeks ago. Maybe. Still unenthralled by this conversation. All right. Anyway, they're all real. Okay, Tom.

Starting point is 01:14:13 Yeah, real. Yeah, they are real. Tight. Tooth movement is real, but spinal changes is not. It's weird to me. I'm going through changes. Is this how it feels to have someone do the same bit over and over again? Yes.

Starting point is 01:14:27 Oh, well, fuck this. The Mean Boys Podcast. We'll be right back. Yeah, make it cold. Boo. Oh, the Mean Boys Podcast is brought to you by Don Carlos Taco Shop in La Jolla, California. Whoa. Somehow.

Starting point is 01:14:39 Yeah, guys. You know, because, I mean, if you weren't, if you were on the fence about going to Don Carlos for the first 118 avenues, maybe 119, we bring up something like, whoa, I didn't know they had a website where I could look at their menu. Wait, you mean eataborito.com? Yeah, yeah. Menu availability? They have, oh my goodness, mojitos?

Starting point is 01:15:02 What? What? I don't even know if they have those. They probably do. Horchata? Yeah.. What? What? I don't even know if they have those. They probably do. Horchata? Yeah. I definitely have that because I just got it recently. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:15:07 They have the burritos where they put the fries in the burritos and they're curly fries. It makes them crispy and it tastes fucking dope. Yeah. Yeah. So. Wait. Is curly fries? Crinkle.

Starting point is 01:15:17 Yeah. They don't do that. It's crinkle fries. You could have said any fact about a burrito. You found the one thing they don't do. Not even crinkle cut fries. Crinkle is, yeah, that's what I meant. In terms of Cali-style burritos with the fries in there, there really is not a better one in the world.

Starting point is 01:15:31 If you're in the San Diego area, go check them out. The Red Cross is straight from the La Jolla Comedy Store. Go to eataburrito.com. Find out everything they got on the menu and tell them the Mean Boys sent you. Yeah. Yeah. Crinkle cut. Welcome back to Bean Boys.

Starting point is 01:15:42 Yes. Bean, bean, bean, bean, bean, bean, bean, bean, bean Bane, Bane, Bane, Bane, Bane, Bane, Bane, Bane, Bane, Bane, Bane, Bane, Bane, Bane, Bane, Bane, Bane, Bane, Bane, Bane, Bane, Bane, Bane, Bane, Bane, Bane, Bane, Bane, Bane, Bane, Bane, Bane, Bane, Bane, Bane, Bane, Bane, Bane, Bane, Bane, Bane, Bane, Bane, Bane, Bane, Bane, Bane, Bane, Bane, Bane, Bane, Bane, Bane, Bane, I don't like Batman. Oh, God. What the fuck have we done?

Starting point is 01:16:02 $1,300 a month on Patreon. Patreon. Patreon. Of course. We're right there. Okay. We gotta not do paid anymore. Yeah, more freeze. No, shut your fat mouth.

Starting point is 01:16:13 We're tools of the Patreonarchy. Tools of the... Cliff Toniel writes, which mean boy would you be most willing to swap bodies with? Tom, I want his strength. Oh, that's... Well... Keith's dick is enticing. Yeah. First of all, isolate the audio. I need somebody to please send me

Starting point is 01:16:34 that audio snipped out so I can turn it into my cell phone. I've just heard so much about it and I've seen it. Yeah, yeah. You've never seen it in action. I'd like to see the mechanics of it because Keith has explained more things to me about his dick than I've ever learned about like social studies. There's not that much to explain about it.

Starting point is 01:16:50 Well, we just had long conversations about how. I know. There's much to explore. Yeah. I don't. Well, yeah, I think you definitely got to take Tom. I feel like Tom's probably got moderate pipe and like he's and he's strong. He's burly.

Starting point is 01:17:03 He's intimidating. I got none of that going for me. Yeah. I'm going to be Cotter. Oh, yeah? What are you excited about with being me? I don't know. I could play so many. Fuck both of you.

Starting point is 01:17:13 I'm going to be Joe. Oh, no. Keith's going to die in six months. Oh, shit. No, Joe's fine. Yeah, I could play so much sports. So much sports. Yeah, so you'd become me.

Starting point is 01:17:25 Oh, it's your height hockey. You'd have to turn me into an athlete, because as it stands right now, I've eaten one piece of toast and a quesadilla today. I've eaten nothing today. I drank a fucking giant thing of coffee. Okay. Yeah, I can't decide who I'd want to be.

Starting point is 01:17:36 I feel like me being Connor would be, like, irresponsibly dangerous. Oh, yeah, because you would just start banging. If I was me in your body, I would have AIDS. Like, no question asked. Dude, yeah, I would have AIDS. No question asked. Dude, yeah, I would be on a rampage. I mean, I could do some damage in Tom's body, too, because Tom's cute. You guys don't want my body.

Starting point is 01:17:54 It's failing. I mean, I don't really want any of our bodies, to be honest. I think I would go with Connor just so I could be tall. That would be the biggest reason. I think you're going to find not as great as you think. I mean, I've been short for a while, and I've had a bit of dick full of that. Yeah, I think as someone who's tall, I think you should shut the fuck up on this one. I think you got it pretty good.

Starting point is 01:18:11 I've been trying to get fat for so long, and I just can't do it. I can get you fat. I'd play so much sports if I was fat. Bro, I will make you fat. Ooh, that'd be 500 iTunes reviews. I'll get fat. But it's only via soup? Yeah, yeah. No, I have to eat nothing but i'm all chowder diet i might cheat and do some ice cream soup you know like peewee's all right

Starting point is 01:18:31 uh death to the filth rights if you were able to pick one thing about your body what would it be uh one thing to change about your body what would it be oh please know this can include things like fixing the teeth or if you have a family history of cancer or heart disease as well as cosmetic stuff i uh i want that's a good question i like i guess i'd like to be buff because i was like kind of buff for a while and that was pretty neat uh you know the pinnacle of my buffness was when jamar neighbors said i looked buff and i was just like wow that fucking that compliment got like the pope telling you you're good at jesus yeah it's fucking great yeah i but i i would probably if i was just gonna go something with my face and i am thinking about getting a nose job at some point.

Starting point is 01:19:06 You don't get a nose job. Are you serious? I'm thinking about it. Dude, you're a fucking moron. No, man, dude. No, I will. I want to like the skin I'm in. I don't like my hook nose, man.

Starting point is 01:19:15 You don't have a hook nose. You have a good nose. I'm sorry. It's a little bit curved. I'm sorry. You think the reason you don't like you is because of your nose? For the world of stand-up comedians, you are shockingly attractive. Don't get a nose job and fuck it up.'s never worked that well for anybody my buddy ryan got

Starting point is 01:19:27 a nose job and he actually looks pretty good i hate that we're talking about this my buddy my buddy got a right i got a nose job for his graduation present and and he's and he just never really told us what it was for he's like yeah i had to get surgery on my nose and he said like a like a fucking bandage on his face for a long time he's like a shitty pokemon and then like after a couple months he had to takes it off and he's like, your nose looks way different. He's like, you got a nose job, you fuck. If you're getting a nose job, then my thing I change is I want stronger fists to break

Starting point is 01:19:52 your new nose. Dude, you can't break my science nose. I'm not going to add a man to your nose. Bill, nah, I have a science nose. Dude, I'm going to straight up turn into like a fucking crimson chin villain once I get my titanium nose. Tom, I'm assuming... Can I trade my wish

Starting point is 01:20:08 to just block Connor's new nose? Can I do... I'm not actually... I'm thinking maybe like 35. We reshaped it. Smells smell like other things now. Yeah, I'm thinking 35. If I'm single and I'm depressed

Starting point is 01:20:23 and I'm just running out of stuff to... At this point, I'm like three. If I'm single and I'm depressed and I'm just running out of stuff. At this point, I'm like three drug problems deep. All right. I've got several canceled television shows. I'm just going to start getting nose surgery. I mean, it would be pretty hilarious if you just became this gnarly plastic surgery guy. That would be pretty cool, yeah. I don't think you can just get a nose job.

Starting point is 01:20:40 If you do that, you've got to just commit to becoming a fucking horrible monster. I could like... Get fake tits. I would maybe Botox my forehead wrinkles because i got some pretty but i can also just grow bangs so you know yeah what i um i don't know what i would fix i mean i guess i fixed my teeth but like i don't even mind them that much yeah i'm like just bleed less but i'm juggling so like do you menopause? That's a symptom. I think I do. I think my pussy stopped bleeding.

Starting point is 01:21:08 I should have realized this. Everything that happens to women during menopause is something you deal with day to day. Yeah, my tits are getting smaller. Mood swings. Yeah, I mean, I'm juggling so many different things. Part of me is just like, oh, I'll be skinny. Another part of me is like, maybe I should fix so I can drink again with my pancreas. I'm like, then you'll drink too much again. Also would love the ringing in my ears to stop.

Starting point is 01:21:29 Don't know if that's a thing. I didn't know you had that. Are you going through menopause too? No, I didn't realize other people didn't have that. I was with Kilo. I was like, I guess other people don't really have, or maybe I realized sooner, but I just thought everyone rang in their ears.

Starting point is 01:21:47 Then I could also read up on, yeah, this is just depressing. I have no sense of smell. I don't need a sense of smell. It's like you're buying a car and it's like, there's no seats. And you're like, I can crouch. I mean, look, you can just pick one because I don't know if you know this. You're not going to actually get it. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:22:05 Like, this is rhetorical. Yeah. Yeah, I'm going to fix whatever brain damage from the concussions. I don't do that. Fine. Okay, do the concussions. Skinny. I want skinny brain You did a ten minute monologue

Starting point is 01:22:30 And you're like, I wish I was less fat That was the end of it I wish I was not big Alright, will you be eating any burgers After your show in Philly in April? Maybe Yeah, your mom's burger Fur burger

Starting point is 01:22:42 I don't eat beef It's between the buns use your fucking wish on fixing your tooth fancy nose oh god just saying calling your mom's pussy a burger yeah after i slid out of my mom's burger medium rare no but i i need i'm gonna eat a an ungodly amount of cheesesteak in Philly. Yeah. I'm talking three meals, three cheesesteaks. Ah, waggity-schmaggity.

Starting point is 01:23:13 Dude, three breakfast, lunch, dinner, cheesesteak. Are you prepared to take the cheesesteak gauntlet challenge? Dude, I'll rub the cheese gauntlet. Dude, okay. Do your worst, Philadelphia. Here's what you got to do. You got to get a different one from different places. You got to get just a classic cheesesteak.

Starting point is 01:23:29 You get three different ones. So all the cheese and meat, like fucking meats in your stomach, it has like a knife fight and tries to figure out who gets to be diarrhea quickest. No, I think they team up and become like a Justice League. Dude, you're going to take eight. You're going to shoot out a duffel bag. I'm probably not going to eat three cheesesteaks. You got it, dude. You got to double down.

Starting point is 01:23:48 I think I might get a nice fish sandwich. 251 iTunes reviews. Keith has eaten three cheesesteaks. Fuck it. I'll run the gauntlet. I will. Dude, breakfast, lunch, dinner, complete cheesesteak. I have to do a show.

Starting point is 01:24:00 Yeah, it's going to be hard. Well, I'll do the breakfast cheesesteak, the lunch cheesesteak, do the show, then eat the dinner cheesesteak. Yeah, that'll save it. Who are we kidding? I might just eat all three cheesesteaks and just be miserable during the show. If we didn't make this into a thing, you would have just done it. We'll bury you somewhere in New York City when we get to the next day. Oh, I'm going to die.

Starting point is 01:24:18 Dude, three cheesesteaks. That might kill me. That's a lot of cheesesteaks, man. Fuck it, game on. Let's party. Dude, you got to tweet us locations for cheesesteaks that Keith has to eat. Yeah. Give us your cheesesteak locales.

Starting point is 01:24:30 Yeah. Yeah. I don't eat beef. You guys got fish out there? Nah. No. Your mom's fish burger. Lauren's fish burger.

Starting point is 01:24:40 He's a big black pussy. He gives you advice. Do you want the red pill or the tartar sauce? You can see how far down my rabbit hole goes. Yeah, it's my pussy. What's the next one? You don't think they're bad when Tom is trying to move

Starting point is 01:24:57 it along? I'm just trying to siphon out all the podcasting we can get. The next question. I've recently become reacquainted with root beer barrels. Fantastic sentence. I remembered a long lost love of them. What is your favorite generic candy? I don't know if you can fuck with the root beer barrels.

Starting point is 01:25:12 Because sometimes you get sick when you're a kid and your mom picks you up from root beer barrels. Because it's like a cough drop, but it's more fun. I don't even know what the fuck this is. They're like cough drops, but they're root beer flavored. They're real good. Yeah, yeah. It's just like a root beer flavored candy. It's not actually a cough drop, but it's like the same kind of consistency.

Starting point is 01:25:24 What do I go in terms of a generic candy? Like a chocolate. The butterscotch. Does a chocolate covered pretzel count? Because I feel like that's my go-to. I think generic candy, it's got to come in a cellophane bag. The butterscotch. Okay, so what about.

Starting point is 01:25:36 You've got to be able to buy it at most Arco's. The little sour strips. Oh, yeah, like the razzmatazz. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Butterscotch. Stop saying butterscotch. Dude, butterscotch is too... I like a butterscotch candy for about eight seconds, then I've had enough of it.

Starting point is 01:25:47 It's like a banana. Okay. That is all. That is why. And that is why. Butterscotch. Cool, dude. Tight.

Starting point is 01:25:58 Fucking butterscotch. Hey, how about knock it off? All right, so this person writes, and it's an anonymous email, so you know it's going to be good. Oh, shit. Hey, Fat One, Less Fat One, and Mongoloid. I'm currently writing this message, hiding in the bathroom of a Jesus camp that I do not want to be at

Starting point is 01:26:15 and forgot I got roped into playing the music for. I kept thinking, what is this crushing Catholic guilt that I feel that can't be solved through our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ? Why, it's because I'm not donating to your Patreon, of course. Oh, I forgot this was a Patreon. I feel bad. I feel like it's a shill now. So here's five bucks, and I'm filling the time in between acting like I want to be here

Starting point is 01:26:32 but listening to the Tom Flippin' Shit About Rabbits and Your Escapades in a Motel 6. So thanks. Come to Florida sometime. Tons of sexy geese and wildlife for Tom to hit while driving. Fuck everything. God is whatever. P.S. I know Connor has never seen a movie, and probably not Friday the 13th, but in his life, in his

Starting point is 01:26:46 life, put the camp I'm at is called Camp Crystal Lake. And I feel like that aptly describes how bad of a time I'm having. What? That's fucking nuts. Oh, is that the name of the camp? That's the name of the camp where Jason killed everybody. Yeah. Oh, that's fun.

Starting point is 01:26:56 Why would you name it that? Like, why would you not change the name? That's like a famous thing. It was probably the movie named it based off of that. Yeah, but that's what I'm saying. Change the fucking name of your camp. Jesus people don't watch movies about dead people. Yeah, but they're all about Jesus.

Starting point is 01:27:11 He kills a bunch of people. You better believe I'm going by Connor Paul from now on. Have fun at Camp Crystal Lake. Remember, it was his mom the first time, and it won't be Jason for real until the third time. Okay. Big Meek. Oh, no, not Big Meek. Some guy asked, any way to get a Ramsey cum rack?

Starting point is 01:27:24 I'd buy one of those Well there is now Not a bad idea I wonder how much it costs To print shit on towels I do remember when I went And saw Tenacious D When I was 18

Starting point is 01:27:32 They were selling The official Tenacious D Cumrack That's pretty funny That would be a pretty sweet Piece of merchandise Yeah we'll look at that Alright we got some voicemails Hit the voicemail line

Starting point is 01:27:41 At 304-805-MEAN If you want to talk to us What's going on mean boys It's your Twitter follower, Alonzo what? I know. Who the fuck cares? But basically, we've seen you boys in Chicago on April 7th at the North Bar. Last night I actually saw Quincy Jones.

Starting point is 01:27:58 I know Connor follows him on Twitter. I was the only person there who actually was there for Quincy. The dude survived stage four lung cancer, but couldn't survive that audience. Good luck. Also, I've been hearing a lot of reference to something about incest or dog fucking. I didn't know if you guys ever mentioned this on the podcast. Something about Keith and his girlfriend. I don't know. We, as fans, have never heard the story.

Starting point is 01:28:28 We'll elaborate on that. And also, Tom, I know that you have an issue with claymation, but I was wondering, does that also translate to old Simpsons episodes? Really shitty animation and drawing. It can. Either way, boys, I will take my answer off air. Love ya. Shouts out to the Fudge Lord.

Starting point is 01:28:49 All hail Karnak. And, um... Fuck everything. Dog fucking's the shit. Alright, boys. I'll see you in Chicago. Oh, and I'm also gonna buy Tom a beer. So, 100%. Pancreatus be damned.

Starting point is 01:29:05 Bye. I like this guy. Yeah, me too. Yeah, he's kind of mean to Quincy Jones. He's a nice dude. But yeah, I'm sorry, buddy. The views of our listeners don't necessarily reflect the views of the Mean Boys podcast. But they might. But they don't not.

Starting point is 01:29:17 Yeah. What? I'm never allowed to give Quincy shit because he got sick? That would be way more disrespectful. Oh, we were apocalyptically mean to him at the Ride LA after party right after he found out. We sure were. Yeah, I thought I was like, oh, this will make you feel like you're one of the guys. And I feel like I was like, oh, not the time.

Starting point is 01:29:34 I probably kind of goofed on that one. Yeah, he got one over on me. I think he won that one. Yeah, all right, here we go. These next ones are terrifying. Hey! Oh, hey. Don't worry, you left it. Thank you. These next ones are terrifying. Don't worry.

Starting point is 01:29:49 Thank you. What the fuck was that? Don't worry. He left another one. Hey, he said my name. Oh, I thought he said Satan. I think he said Satan. I thought he said say Tom.

Starting point is 01:30:04 Why? What? Because my name's Tom. Yeah, why would he say say Tom? Because he said Satan. I think he said Satan. I thought he said say Tom. Why would, what? Because my name's Tom. Yeah, why would he say say Tom? Because he said Tom. I think he said hey Tom. I think he said Satan. Alright, well. Mean boys, this is Tristan from Florida. You know, mess you up. Anyway,

Starting point is 01:30:20 just want to let you guys know I actually went ahead and bought a pair of studios. Oh, thanks. Studios. Well this $30 is well spent. You guys put out a great fucking show. Fantastic content. Anyone that says different, probably an asshole. Yeah. Have a good one.

Starting point is 01:30:35 No, mommy, you got to go play my jug. What a nice guy. Hey, it's me, Tristan, calling you live from Buffoon Lagoon. I went and bought myself a pair of Sudios. Yeah, yeah. Are we ready for this? Is that Bluegrass Jock Jams? Yeah.

Starting point is 01:30:55 Everyone starts off their voicemails with, hey, they're mean boys. And on the predictive text on my voicemail app, one just says, hey, almond boys. We got one more. It's from Ryan Colby in 1984. Whoa! Ryan Colby lives! Our first fan. I don't know if I've ever heard his voice before.

Starting point is 01:31:13 Oh, shit. And you never will. And this one, the predictive text says, hey, Ms. Lewis. Ms. Lewis. If you're nasty. Hey, mean boys. This is your old pal, Ryan Colby, 1984.

Starting point is 01:31:27 What's up, Ryan? Hell yeah, dude. 1984, because that's the year I was born. 1984 is a cool book. Yeah. Anyways, I'm walking in to the Boeing campus here to work my blue-collar job as an 87110 electronic comedian in tech. Tom's right. Blue-collar jobs are swell.

Starting point is 01:31:49 And I sure hope he makes it as a comedian. But if he doesn't, he should think about learning electronics. Or mechanics. Nope. They pay us an ass ton of money. Anyways, kind of wondering where my Godzilla, Godzilla's and space stickers are. I'm sure you guys have those on the way. Are you?

Starting point is 01:32:10 Are you really sure? I'm a really positive person in real life. All those times you guys told me to kill myself, well, haven't done it yet. Oh, good, man. Anyways, thanks for all the free content. And I'm kind of doing a fake accent here. Yeah, bye. You sound like a side character in a goofy movie.

Starting point is 01:32:32 Yeah, you sound like the ox he just started kicking in. Yeah, he's like Quaaludes. What a nice guy. Yeah, he's just like, hey, me boys. I'm out here. I'm just a humble electrician listening to you talk about how I should die specifically by name on your 50

Starting point is 01:32:49 episodes of Spectacular. What did I even just say? Look, if I tell any of you guys to kill yourselves, I'm kidding. Except for Ryan. That's my job. How do you think I'm going to make this podcast blow up? Faking my death.

Starting point is 01:33:06 I've been planning it for years. We're on some Swedish death metal shit. And during that time, you're just going to get a nose job. Yeah, we're going to kill. I'm going to come back as a handsomer version of myself. No, we're going to kill and eat Tom at some point. And then we're going to be the most famous black metal podcast in the world. Yeah, dude.

Starting point is 01:33:19 You're going to have to. That's the third cheesesteak. You don't know yet. But it's actually made of Tom. Oh, man. The cheesesteaks are high. Well, that might be a good show, boys. Let's get the fuck out of here, everyone.

Starting point is 01:33:30 Fuck everything. God is dead. God is dead. I'm sitting in place. I'm sitting in place. I'm sitting in place.

Mean Boys - EP 119 - Dangerous Teletubbies

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