Mean Boys - EP 120 - Titty Aquarium

Starting point is 00:00:00 God damn it, everybody. We're recording the intro. We just cut like a perfect intro that I realized we weren't recording. It was like all genuine and also like efficient and informative. It was the best intro we've ever... I was just being quiet because you were in the zone. Oh, dude, I was crushing it. I was like doing like three-dimensional chess with this intro.

Starting point is 00:00:19 And now it's going to be another one where it's like, I don't know, leave us a review, give us your money, whatever. Jesus Christ. Well, take two of the intro. This is another Just the Boys episode. You guys, we're finally on tour.

Starting point is 00:00:28 By the time this comes out, we're already on the fucking road. Yeah, bitches. So we're going to be, you know the cities. We've been plugging forever and tickets are up on MeanBoysPodcast.com.

Starting point is 00:00:36 Make sure you get them online. They're more expensive at the door and I understand if you can't because I imagine most of our audience doesn't have a social security number. So if you've got to pay cash, your needs will be accommodated. Speaking of ticket sales, we finally hit the soup goal.

Starting point is 00:00:50 We did. 250 iTunes reviews. Connor's going to eat soup. There's been a lot of asking how that's going to go down. We have an idea. Whoever sells the most tickets in their city, whichever city has the highest number by Friday at midnight, the Friday this comes out, gets to watch Connor eat the soup live on stage. And you know what?

Starting point is 00:01:04 If we get a bunch of reviews, if we get a bunch of tickets, if there's a big spike across the board, I will eat soup in every city because I'm a man of the people. We're going to quadruple his soup. Do you understand? I was talking about this with my family. I told my family. I went to go see them for Easter. And I told them what they were doing. They're like, Connor, you can't do that to yourself.

Starting point is 00:01:22 You can't what? Eat soup? They know how autistic I am about food. Oh, my God. I showed every family gathering with an Alberto's burrito, and they're not even offended anymore. They're like, yeah, Connor has autism. He can't have quiche. Mrs. McSpadded, I respect you, and I want to meet you, but I'm so bad that you allowed

Starting point is 00:01:38 the family to sympathize with this fucking soup. Oh, you can't eat food. I was talking to my dad, and I was like, yeah, they're thinking like clam chowder or menudo. He's like, Connor, do not eat clam chowder or menudo. I'm worried about you.

Starting point is 00:01:51 Do you like clam chowder, my dude? Yeah, I'll eat clam chowder. No, I think menudo is even worse. Well, hopefully I get to eat both. Connor can't deal with noodles. We're fucking finding a soup with noodles. My dream version of this, and I know it's not going to go down,

Starting point is 00:02:01 is that I get to pour a can of clam chowder into a beer bottle, and then you eat it, preferably while sitting in a high chair and wearing a baby bib. We can discuss logistics, but that's what I want to happen. That's brutal, dude. I know, but it's also the funniest thing I've ever thought. We will discuss it, yeah. So go buy the tickets.

Starting point is 00:02:21 We can warm it. I'm not an animal. I'll give you a hot beer bong. All right, so if we sell enough tickets. We can warm it. I'm not an animal. I'll give you a hot beer pong. All right. So yeah, if we sell enough tickets, I will do that. If it's not a lot, then I won't do it. But I need the money. So yeah, that'll happen.

Starting point is 00:02:34 Leave us a review on iTunes. Even if you don't live in these cities, just start buying tickets. Yeah, man. I want some billionaire to be like, yeah, I've sold out the entire Chicago show. But it's like that guy who bought all those Black Panther tickets just so the black kids couldn't see it. It's just a white guy watching it alone in the theater. Just one man alone just drinking. We're trying to do the rest of the show.

Starting point is 00:02:52 The Phantom of the Chowder. I don't care about Tom Tomperdy. Drink the soup! I have to do a 90-minute soup-eating podcast. Slower. Just me crying and slurping. The Requiem for a Dream soundtrack is playing. We gotta have a race between Keith's three sandwiches and Cotter's one bowl of soup. Oh, yeah.

Starting point is 00:03:09 Keith has to take the cheesesteaks challenge and eat three different cheesesteaks in Philadelphia. We got to make Tom eat some. Well, we can't because you're stupid. Here's what we're going to do with Tom. When we get to 400 reviews, we send Tom to the Wallace and Gromit dimension for six months. He has to live amongst the claymated people. On planet Gromit. He's just going to throw up in a cartoon factory for half a year.

Starting point is 00:03:31 My girlfriend said so many times, like, don't let them peer pressuring you into eating something. Oh, you know, Kelly, I like you a lot, but I don't appreciate you coddling your snowflake boy friend who's afraid of movies about snowmen, which is somehow way better than me not wanting to try liquid bullshit water. When we get to 400 reviews, Keith's mom is coming on the show. That's real. We'll do an inside the actor studio panel. I did like a 10-minute thing about how I'll talk to everyone in law enforcement. I'll figure out how to hook up a jail phone to an H6.

Starting point is 00:04:06 I'll get a hazmat suit. Whether it's here in Southern California. A bear tranquilizer. Or whether we have to take her to a Denny's in Fresno. We will fucking record with my mom. Yeah, we'll put her in a King Kong crate and have her shipped to the fucking show in Fort Wayne. I'll make sure I bring, you know, like force fields and garlic and crosses and holy water. The point of this is leave us an iTunes.

Starting point is 00:04:27 I think we need to get along. Me and your mom. Oh, yeah. So Panda said, I already read this one, wrote, the blue collar comedy tour for the generation that needed to be told not to eat laundry soap. Very, very good. Fantastic. We all laughed hysterically the first time.

Starting point is 00:04:38 Yeah, we laughed real hard when we read it the first time. But this is take two because I'm a fucking dunce. Yeah. Oh, it's about to be take three the recorder cut off are you serious no I'm fucking with you get at us on Patreon there's 38 episodes

Starting point is 00:04:50 of bonus content now it's only five bucks a month I know we owe you guys an extra one because we only did three last month because of scheduling bullshit so it'll be at least

Starting point is 00:04:56 five this month maybe more we're going to be on the road talking to people and shit there's going to be a bunch of fun bonus stuff coming now would be a really good time to get on the Patreon

Starting point is 00:05:03 $10 a month gets you a goodie every year. Every year? The way the post office works. We'll send you a little gift package. We did buttons last month with our face on it. We're figuring out what we're going to do this month. If you had your shit lost by the post office, fill out the Google form that's in the

Starting point is 00:05:17 Patreon. We'll get it re-sent to you. We don't want anyone to get fucked over. I'm sorry about that. Everything's getting to everybody. For $25, you get a spray paint t-shirt and a big box full of everything that we've made so far. So that's like the sign up for a whole year of Bang Bros and it's only $17 a month. You only know how to communicate in pornography

Starting point is 00:05:34 references. I do, yeah. And then J-Mac delivers it to you dressed like Santa Claus. But yeah, a lot of great stuff going on right now. Now is a great time to support the Patreon because we have a big announcement coming at the end of this month. Yeah, great time to support the Patreon because we have a big announcement coming at the end of this month. Yeah, the week of April 23rd.

Starting point is 00:05:47 We got a very special announcement. We can't say what it is. We promise it's not us fucking with you like the Andrew Dice clients. It's titillating. It's not a nice boys thing. This is like a pretty, pretty cool thing that happened entirely because of you guys. Yeah. And I'd like to show you the Patreon.

Starting point is 00:05:59 I mean, it really does help us like live our lives. We'd be totally fucked if we hadn't started the Patreon. And it means a lot to you guys. give us as much money that you do for this terrible, terrible show. It truly is hot nonsense. And we are, this episode especially is just like people taking phone calls and shit.

Starting point is 00:06:15 Yeah. This episode is madness for a lot of reasons. It's just like me burping and just being racist. You turn into the mic to burp, which I think is very, I don't want people to get cheated out of their... You gotta let that flavor get into the wiring. Yeah, so, I don't know, tell your friends about the show,

Starting point is 00:06:29 follow us on Twitter, Facebook, YouTube, all that shit, and Instagram, and yeah, get on the email list for the next tour. We might be doing some of the email list, too. We'll announce that at some point, maybe, but anyway, we love you guys very much. Enjoy this week's Just the Boys episode right now.

Starting point is 00:07:00 Hey, everybody. Welcome to the Mean Boys podcast. You're such a fuck up to dudes from queer. I couldn't even Fix Your Life. I'm Connor McSpadden. I'm Tom Goss. And I'm... The last Frankenberry in the box.

Starting point is 00:07:11 Oh, just stuck to the corner on Melty. Just misshapen and fruity, looking for love. Hey, that's you, man. We took a little video for the Twitter outside and Keith was like, God damn, I look fat on camera. The fucked up thing is I look the best I've ever looked, physically, but there is no angle you can videotape me from that I do not look like just a fucking grumpy sausage. We took a picture of you in front of that ice cream truck with Nicole when she was here. You looked very small.

Starting point is 00:07:40 Tom's back is perfectly covering up where your gut begins, so you look very svelte. I look ripped as shit. Yeah, yeah. That very svelte. I look ripped as shit. Yeah, yeah. That was an optical illusion. I'm still quite fat. Yeah, yeah. I've gotten fatter. I've been eating garbage, and I need to get...

Starting point is 00:07:51 I've just been, like, down, and I've just been like, fuck it, ice cream. I'm going to eat salty caramel out of a jar. Like... Yeah. I mean, I just had two crullers and a flame broiler, so I feel you. Well, I have this whole, like, mission. I'm like, all right, I'm going to eat fucking nothing but vegetables and just energy fuel for like a week because I know I'm going to eat shitty on the tour and I want to go in hot. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:08:11 And instead I'm just eating nothing. But I've just been getting drunk and just eating unconscionable amounts of guacamole. And you're not even a drinker. Yeah. I've been drinking more lately. Not in like a we should be worried way, but I'm just like, I forgot I have fun drinking sometimes. Well, you with two drinks is like, oh, shit, he's partying. The thing I worry about with Keith and alcohol is I'm just like, I've never talked to you and thought, I wish you were more horny and lugubrious.

Starting point is 00:08:39 You're already lugubrious. You already have the confidence of a two-gin ad salesman. Yeah, I do have Dean Martin halfway through the roast levels of confidence. You turn into the Capri Sun liquid puddle, but for fucking. Where you just wiggle in the cracks and somehow make it happen. Hey, man, I like to party. I know, dude. I was out in Oklahoma and Missouri and fucking Kansas this week

Starting point is 00:09:06 staying with a friend of the show, our buddy Billy Bizarre. What up, Billy? I love that guy because when we go to the gas station, he always gets a Mountain Dew, but he'll really look and think about which Mountain Dew flavor he wants. When you go to the Midwest, you got all the flavors. He pauses in front of the display and he's like, now is this a live wire kind of night

Starting point is 00:09:24 or do I want to go like Mountain Dew, like Moonshine Zero or whatever? There's a Mountain Dew like Moonshine thing that they're doing. I've had that.

Starting point is 00:09:32 Yeah, how is it? Not great. I mean, it's fine. Dew Classic is good. Yeah, we straight up, me and Billy, we went to go get like a heart monitor

Starting point is 00:09:39 put on him because he just like maybe had a mild heart attack and 15 minutes later, we were at Raising Cane's. I had Raising Cane's for the first time. It's so good. It's Raising the Bar.

Starting point is 00:09:53 It is... Fuck you. That was people, man. I'd be a canable, man. I'm a bonafide caniac, man. I feel like every time... I've eaten Raising Cane's like every day. In Cane in the membrane? I don't know.

Starting point is 00:10:08 I wanted to do one. In Cane in the brain. That's awesome. Got no brains. I don't know what it is. I don't know. It's like Chick-fil-A sauce, but better. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Starting point is 00:10:17 Never had Chick-fil-A. And I was going to say there's no weird homophobia hangup, but I can't figure Raising Cane's are stoked on gay people. I got a hamburger in Kansas, and I asked for figure Raising Cane's are like stoked on gay people. I got like a hamburger in Kansas and I asked for Thousand Island on it and they looked at me like I was, they're just like what? It was like Al Gore had

Starting point is 00:10:34 walked into the bar and they're just like excuse you? Who requests Thousand Island though? Me, I guess. Thousand Island is kind of like, if it's present I will accept it, but like I never go seeking it. Oh, the Thousand Islands is kind of people who don't eat soup if it's present I will accept it but like I never go seeking it it's just a weird

Starting point is 00:10:47 oh the Thousand Island on In-N-Out it's great I mean it's good but like if it like I wouldn't ask for it if it wasn't a regular part of the rotation

Starting point is 00:10:52 I think I think the Raising Cane Sauce is just peppery Thousand Island with something else in it I think it's mayo or something I don't think it's Thousand Island

Starting point is 00:11:00 I'm just gonna look it up there's a Thousand Island base I feel like you're ruining we're gonna find out it's something bad like oh it's a 100% raccoon cum. Wait, no.

Starting point is 00:11:08 I just looked up Thousand Island dressing. Raising cane sauce. Did you mean Thousand Island dressing? Sauce. What is it? We are now Googling sauces. Yeah. You thought we got all the sauce talk out on Nice Boys.

Starting point is 00:11:24 You were incorrect. Well, a fired fast food employee claims to tweet out Raising Cane's secret recipe. What? Scandalous. Get him on the show. Half a cup mayonnaise, quarter cup ketchup, half a teaspoon garlic salt, a quarter teaspoon of Worcestershire sauce, and a half a teaspoon of black pepper to taste. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:11:41 Cane's fired me. They little sauce ain't shit, but mayo, ketchup, Worcestershire sauce, black pepper, and garlic sauce little sauce ain't shit but mayo ketchup worst is our shots black chip pepper and garlic they ain't shit but damn i've ended a little sauce oh this is tweeted by a gal named demetis long what that's that's like an impossible name it's awesome yeah i'm gonna go fave that right now well you're the you're the edward snowden of fucking fast food fat nonsense dude i i would i would like if she had like a legal protection like defense fund i would absolutely go on a hardcore fundraising campaign what is your move now is raising canes you're just like oh well i guess we'll just continue selling this sauce that was like a popular gift in like 2003

Starting point is 00:12:18 where it's like you get the recipes from all your favorite chains but we cracked the code and it's like how to make hooters wings at home you know it's like yeah but then i'm not at a hooters that's part of the deal yeah and it's like it's like a all these things are only good if you're actually at the location god i fucking hate hooters oh dude i i've never been to a hooters except to do comedy once but um i i got taken to a place called twin peaks i was with the headliner that's like the week arizona yeah yeah i think i saw this on undercover boss yeah was working with for the week. That's like the Arizona Hooters. Yeah, yeah. Oh, I think I saw this on Undercover Boss. Yeah, and he was like, yeah, let's go to Twin Peaks. And I thought it was just like a bar.

Starting point is 00:12:49 And I get there and I was like, God, you took me to like a fucking shitty Hooters, man. I was so uncomfortable. I've always said Hooters is annoying because it either needs to be sluttier or less. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They need to pick a – but it's just like a weird place where like I just feel like business – Like there's kids can go. Yeah, but like I feel like business dads are there trying to cheat on their wife before they go to the airport yeah yeah yeah it's for the guy who wants to do the like i'm not touching you of cheating

Starting point is 00:13:12 quiet midwestern horny desperation and i don't care for it yeah and it's like just go all out like just go to a strip club go to a strip club you can bring wings from home yeah that's fine or just a lot of strip clubs have food it's's not good, but neither is Hooters. That'd be great is like sneaking wings into the strip club. Like snacks in a movie theater where you just kind of like pull out of your pea coat a fucking bag of buffalo wings. And like the bouncers try and throw you out because they're like, you can't touch the girls. You're like, I didn't. And they point to like, you know, cinnamon.

Starting point is 00:13:40 And she's got like saucy hands on her butt cheeks. Oh, man. Did you cum in your pants? Oh, no, it's ranch. I don't. I've only been to two strip clubs. And it was someone else who brought me in. Yeah, the devil.

Starting point is 00:13:56 Yeah, I went two times twice in one week. And I had a friend. And he's like, we're going to a strip club. And I was like, ah. And he brought me in. And then a stripper was very aggressive with me. Yeah, they'll do that. Yeah, it was an Asian stripper.

Starting point is 00:14:09 And she at one point grabbed my hand and shoved it in her pussy, which was odd. She treated you like the opposite of a black guy at the store. Yeah, and she kept. You take. She kept telling me that she was going to take my virginity away. And I got annoyed because I was like, we have cameras. No camera. Do whatever you want.

Starting point is 00:14:31 And I just got offended. I'm not a virgin. And she's like, no, I'm going to take your virginity. She was just high. I was like, I got out of there. And then the next week, my friend brought me back. And she remembered me. She saw me across the room and then beelined across the room

Starting point is 00:14:46 to scream at me for not buying a private dance. I was like, I never asked. Picture of you up on the door, don't give this man any pussy. Pussy thief. I was just like, you strippers see so many people. How am I that? How insulted were you? Have you ever seen you?

Starting point is 00:15:02 You're the most conspicuous man on earth. Yeah, you're the most conspicuous man on Earth. Yeah, you are very memorable. Like, if they needed to make, like, a version of Where's Waldo. In a strip club? Like, a version of Where's Waldo to make retarded kids feel better about themselves. It would be fine, Tom. It would be any grocery store.

Starting point is 00:15:19 Just normal person, normal person, angry hockey cyclops. Well, we found him. I have two eyes. Yay. Spot the lummox my favorite my favorite quote of theirs the second time

Starting point is 00:15:29 my friend came with it was his first time at a strip club he was just looking around he was just this big so he was like dude this place is a

Starting point is 00:15:35 titty aquarium that's pretty funny I went to a I used to go to strip clubs a lot like when I was like 18, 19 cause that was like just a cool thing

Starting point is 00:15:44 cause it's like that weird well, I can't. Oh, I can do this now. You've got to visit your mom. Yeah, I can't. Points. That's for new listeners of the show. That is a fact. That is a fact.

Starting point is 00:15:53 Oh, yeah. My mom worked at a strip club. Sugars, Anaheim, California. Check them out. It's still open to this day. Not a sponsor of the show, just a fan of their work. Yeah, let's go to a live show at Sugars. Dude, we absolutely should

Starting point is 00:16:05 do that i think we could yeah dude that'd be the funniest thing in the world yeah sorry the rec room we're taking our show or i'm recording my next album there oh you should are you duking where you weren't supposed yeah i took a shit in the sink to be fair i was eight years old and i was just visiting my mom at work and i had to take a shit i was waiting in the car in the parking lot with her nazi husband her boyfriend at the time they hadn't made it on yeah anyway i went to a strip club and i was like 19 uh in hollywood i'm gonna make an honest racist out of you and it was like it was whatever it was fun this lady like came up this like 45 year old like i think she was like filipino or something but like well like smoking very broken english and was just kind of like you know you want to

Starting point is 00:16:44 answer i'm like not really but then she kept asking and was just kind of like, you know, you want to answer my guy? And not really. But then she kept asking. I was bored. I was like, sure, it's 20 bucks. I'll give you 20 bucks and get a lap dance. And we go into the little like the lap dance fucking, you know, the voting cubicle. Yeah. You got it.

Starting point is 00:16:57 You got it. The pussy is a Hillary in the butthole. Yeah. Yeah. Where I vote yes on proposition. Put your butthole near my nose. Oh, what's Gary Johnson? proposition, put your butthole near my nose. Oh, foot stuff is Gary Johnson. Well, that's the thing.

Starting point is 00:17:07 The song starts, and she just, like, kicks back on a chair in front of me and starts trying to jerk me off with her feet, like, through my pants. I'm like, I don't want this. And you'd made no overture that you were a foot guy. No. She just looked at you and assumed.

Starting point is 00:17:18 She's like, oh, I know. Yeah, and what it's like a weird thing. I'm like, look, you have three minutes. Like, I have paid for three minutes of your time. You do not have enough time to make me come. And that's fine. That wasn't what this transaction was. So get up here.

Starting point is 00:17:29 Shake the business. Don't do this weird. Unless you're going to finish. Unless you're going to ride through the time limit. Then, okay, maybe. Yeah, it's like, okay, well, welcome to the world famous Mexican restaurant. We brought you out some complimentary garlic bread. What are you doing?

Starting point is 00:17:42 She kept doing it. And then the song ended. And she kind of kept going and was like, it's okay. You pay later. I'm like, oh, no, I don't. Because I realized she's going to shake me down for like 200 bucks because she jerked me off with her feet. Yeah. So I'm like, I got to go.

Starting point is 00:17:54 And then we ran. Did she jerk you off with your feet? Did you come? No, I didn't come. No. Well, I wasn't into it, really. Yeah, yeah. I'm not a huge.

Starting point is 00:18:00 I mean, I got a few. It's hard enough to jerk someone off with your hand. I mean, here's the thing. It's not hard to jerk off with your hand. It's to jerk me here's the thing i have been jerked off with feet before and i don't hate it okay but it's not like a thing i would go see order on the menu you know what i mean it's like it's like a crab mom's making if there's free free crab cakes you know say mom's making but i'm not gonna Cane. Someone's in the kitchen with Tom. I should say, we had a gal on Instagram ask if she could be a Mean Boys intern.

Starting point is 00:18:32 And I was like, and do what? I don't know, Google Raising Cane sauce? I mean, honestly, we should have an army of Mean Turns. It would be funny to just have her sit there. That's what the show needs, is a woman to be sexist to in person. Because that's what really makes a radio show click. That's how we could... That's what the show needs is a woman to be sexist to in person because that's what really makes a radio show click. That's how we escalate.

Starting point is 00:18:48 It's the formula. From any degree of gray into just full-blown Carolla-ism. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's how we ruin all of this. We'll call her like knockers or something, you know?

Starting point is 00:18:57 Yeah, Juggs McKenzie. Google horsey sauce. I want to know what Arby's is doing. Hey, dumb tits. Hey, your tits aren't as smart as my brain. Oh. We're not doing this again?

Starting point is 00:19:10 No, we can't. Sorry for pranking you guys, by the way. I apologize for nothing. Yeah, I'm not sorry at all. I was so, everybody fucking fell for the Dice Clay switcheroo. Yeah, I thought everybody was going to be like, you guys are dumb. And then just one by one, the tweets, because it posted at midnight East Coast time. So at nine o'clock, we were like, oh, no, Skynet has gone live.

Starting point is 00:19:28 Yeah. And then just wait. And one by one, people like, fuck you. You guys were really mad. It was awesome. My favorite one is on the Facebook. A bunch of people are just like, oh, I was really excited. I was really bummed.

Starting point is 00:19:41 I'm bummed. And then one person was just like am i the only one excited for dice so they thought everyone was just fucking on that mooch that's so funny i can't wait to talk to all like a bunch of comedians that like try to be nice to me because i think i'm doing something well they'll be like congrats on having dice on the show i was just thinking that exact same thing we can tell exactly who doesn't really listen to the show now. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. That would be great. Oh, it's so fun.

Starting point is 00:20:07 God damn it, we're great. Yeah, that's my favorite episode. I can usually tell when someone doesn't listen to the show because they'll say they like Mean Boys. They say they listen all the time. And then they go, have you ever done an episode? Yeah, I had that the other day from just a guy who definitely has never even listened to a podcast ever. He's like, I love Mean Boys.

Starting point is 00:20:28 It's like, no, you don't. Say like, hey, it looks like the show's going well. Don't pretend you're personally invested. I know you're not. I mean, I didn't like quiz him or anything. Name a single thing we do on the show ever. But it was just like, what are you doing? I don't care if you don't.

Starting point is 00:20:44 I don't expect you to listen to it. But don't lie to me. Yeah. But it was just like, what are you doing? Like, I don't care if you don't, I don't expect you to listen to it. But don't lie to me. Yeah, yeah. It was just like, are you trying to get in my good graces? Yeah, I have nothing to give you. If you look around here,

Starting point is 00:20:53 there's a pair of panties thumb-tacked to the wall. And they look sad. Yeah, I'm no matter of power broker here. I mean, they're not here because everything went great. They have been wilting

Starting point is 00:21:04 as the months have gone on. Well, yeah, if the last thread falls off the crotch, then I think I'm stuck being a beast forever. Those are the panties that make responsible sexual choices. Well, you just get hornier and hornier. It's a portrait of fucking Keith's gray dick. There you go. I kept thinking it was a Lord of the Rings reference, but I knew it wasn't. Sleeping Beauty.

Starting point is 00:21:24 Nope. Oscar Wilde. No, Nope. Oscar Wilde. Yes. I know Oscar Wilde. No, you don't. Yes, I do. I was in his play. Name an Oscar Wilde thing.

Starting point is 00:21:32 The Importance of Being Earnest. Okay. Yeah, I was fucking in one of the plays. Why are you so mad? I know theater, motherfucker. Tom Zatheski. We got to do it for the Patreon. We got to do a reading of one of your plays, Tom.

Starting point is 00:21:44 Yeah, sure. Yeah, that would be a fucking... Yeah, let's do it for the patron. We got to do a reading of one of your plays, Tom. Yeah, sure. Yeah, that would be a fucking... Yeah, let's do it. That is the acknowledgement that beats off Mike. Tom's going to go, hey, but we're not going to do that, Tom. No, we can do it. I don't give a shit. No, we don't have to.

Starting point is 00:21:57 No, it'll be great. Let's go, all right. The Mexican Joke Off. Ay, so topical. All right, guys. Sorry, Tom. Your plays are good, though, right? So I wouldn't want to make fun of them.

Starting point is 00:22:16 Well, I mean, I'm sure we'll find a way. I mean, if you don't want us to make fun of them, I know you actually are proud of your plays. I genuinely do want to read them. I would like to read them, too. I keep forgetting it's on my old computer that I really need to get off before that computer is just completely

Starting point is 00:22:31 unworkable. Well, with... Before that computer completely unworkable. Well, with wordsmithing skills like that, how could they not be great? I'm sure they're good. I'm trying so hard not to be a dick. They're great? I'm sure they're good. I'm trying so hard not to be a dick. They're fine.

Starting point is 00:22:48 I'm sure they're good. Frankly, my dear, I don't damn care. I like Art and Blood. Those are my two favorite things. Art, Blood, and Fire. That's a radio show that I tried to get us on in Milwaukee. Art, Blood, and Fire is a goth version of fucking Earth, Wind, and Fire.

Starting point is 00:23:05 I spent yesterday emailing like 20 morning zoo radio shows and none of them have responded yet. But be cool about this, but we're definitely going to try to get

Starting point is 00:23:14 kicked off a bunch of morning zoo radio shows. We sure are. That is way better press than having a great appearance on fucking Dino and Archie in the morning.

Starting point is 00:23:21 Yeah, we are going to straight up become viral idiots. Oh, yeah, yeah. All right, guys, I'll take us away. An Indian child that was stolen by a monkey has been found dead, finally ending the age-old debate and proving that monkeys are terrible uncles. That's an adorable joke.

Starting point is 00:23:37 Yeah, no, he's not a very good uncle. I could have been a nice boy's joke. All right. Heineken has been called racist for a series of commercials claiming that, quote, lighter is better. In related news, Smirno for a series of commercials claiming that, quote, lighter is better. In related news, Smirnoff Ice is under fire for their new slogan. Brews will not replace us.

Starting point is 00:23:52 Wait, that lighter is better? Yeah. Heineken put out this commercial where the slogan is lighter is better. It's for a light beer. But it's literally like a bartender slides a beer and it goes past all these black people and then they get lighter and then it lands in the hand of an attractive white lady. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's like the Dove commercial

Starting point is 00:24:10 where a black lady washes off and then all of a sudden she's white. Yeah. And just reading the press release from Heineken afterwards, it's basically just them in so many words just going fuck, okay. I really think companies are making deliberately bad ads just to get the free controversy bump.

Starting point is 00:24:25 I think after Pepsi did the Kendall Jenner number, I was like, wow, that was the worst I've ever said to anyone. The Kendall Jenner. Yeah, your mouth turned into just a dial-up modem. I don't know. I don't know. Yeah, that's kind of my little conspiracy. They're just like, oops, it was accidentally racist. Now we're trending.

Starting point is 00:24:43 Uh-oh. Yeah, I mean, it's not a terrible maneuver. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Nobody in the long term. Heineken's not going to lose any money for accidentally being racist, but they did get mentioned on this show. That's why you can hear the new Mean Boys ads airing all over the place.

Starting point is 00:24:56 Being gay is bad. I don't think most advertisers are racist. I think they just view people as colors. Like, I don't think that they. Well, that's literally racist. Well, no, I think. I think. Oh, I think they just view people as colors. I don't think that they... Well, that's literally racist. I think they just view it as like a painter. I watched the commercial

Starting point is 00:25:12 and it wasn't so clearly like, black guy, bad, white lady, amazing. It was just like that it flew by some black people. But there were also white people. Honestly, they're reaching to say it's racist. Basically, Chance the Rapper tweeted that it was racist, so that's how it became a story. Oh, okay. Yeah, which I like Chance the Rapper. But there're reaching to say it's racist. Basically, Chance the Rapper tweeted that it was racist. So that's how it became a story.

Starting point is 00:25:26 Okay. Yeah. Which I like Chance the Rapper. But there's a chance. It is not racist. But I mean, I also feel like that might be part of their plan. I feel like we've done more racist things in the intro to this. What are you talking about? You take pussy.

Starting point is 00:25:43 Yeah. This episode. I don't know what you're talking about? Hey, cool. You take pussy. Yeah, of this episode. I don't know what you're talking about, Tom. A man blamed stabbing his wife 127 times on a cold medicine. Jeez, talk about a bad cold. Yeah, man. More like die, Quill. Got him.

Starting point is 00:26:05 All right. What? Tom's doing his anti-jokes. I know what he's doing. We had a rough segment on my end for Mexican Joe Cup. I appreciate your honesty. We got the standard Mexican Joe Cup. It's going to be more standard than normal.

Starting point is 00:26:27 We're saving all the good stuff for the road guys hell yeah uh the usda has recalled thousands of pounds of at-risk beef it's like i'll have to do the tour by myself i opened up reddit news to start writing the jokes yesterday and i was like i was like oh my god there's so many different places. I go thousands of pounds of at risk beef. What are you at risk? How is that not the opening slam? Oh, yeah, man. It's good shit. Oh, God damn it.

Starting point is 00:26:54 Rapper DMX has been sentenced to a year in prison for tax evasion. His attorneys have advised him to stop, drop, go on down to H&R Block. Oh, hell yeah. We still gotta make The Witch of the Falling is not things that DMX has done. Yeah, DMX is a fucking lunatic. I love DMX. I mean, as much as Joe called Suge Knight black snidely whiplash,

Starting point is 00:27:16 I think DMX is right up there with him. Yeah, when DMX gets out of the joint, we should have him on the show. Although Suge Knight is more like opaquely evil. Yeah. Anyway, lighter is better is i love crazy celebrity i was talking about how much i love roseanne barr as a person oh yeah because tom like her tom i don't want to be clear he doesn't even mean politically he just means that she's batshit tom is up to date on world events to about 1997 after that you have no idea he's like did you hear she did the national anthem band?

Starting point is 00:27:46 And we're like, yeah, we all were alive in 1995. Yeah, Tom, I was two years old, actually. So were you. I saw the video recently. I could have seen it as a two-year-old. You could have seen it. I wouldn't remember it. It was on the news.

Starting point is 00:27:59 No, you wouldn't have. You were busy being two. Yeah, that's why I said I wouldn't have remembered it. You don't remember stuff that happened earlier today. Why are you saying this argumentatively? I said I wouldn't have. You were busy being two. Yeah, that's why I said I wouldn't have remembered it. You don't remember stuff that happened earlier today. Why are you saying this argumentatively? I said I wouldn't have remembered it. Because I like causing conflict with you. But we agree on this conflict. Connor,

Starting point is 00:28:13 fucking stop arguing with us. Yeah. I understand why they've called you at-risk beef. Okay? I mean, you guys are falling apart. Man, this is dangerous beef. Danger, burger. Well, you guys are falling apart. Man, this is dangerous beef. Danger Burger. Well, there's the episode title. Yep, right off the bat.

Starting point is 00:28:30 Danger Burger. That's what I call eating Tom's ass. I made you a Danger Burger. Steal that recipe, Plankton. Throw some Thousand Island on that shit. A lot of pickles get in the hair. A Texas lawyer is in trouble for forcing clients to have violent sex with them in exchange for legal advice. For $3.99 a month, you can watch new episodes of The Bang Bench.

Starting point is 00:28:55 Yeah, The Bang Bench. Tom, you smirked with yourself after. You were pleased with that one. I was like, I don't know if this one's going to hit or not because it's a little lengthy. He was like, okay, did it completely bomb me? You know, like The Bench. know if this one's gonna hit or not because it's a little lengthy okay did it completely you know like the bench and uh yes uh yeah i have the really upsetting news article if you read it oh god just the violet the lady is like i object and he's like overruled well just the way they put in the article they were like sorry something in my throat uh uh legal advice am i right uh but i know the article is like,

Starting point is 00:29:26 juror passes out due to video. You always sound like you just ate a walnut made of boogers. Keith, the panties fell on you. Oh, the panties are on your shoulder like a parrot. But, no, the fucking, apparently they showed, the fucking lawyer taped one of the rapes, and they showed

Starting point is 00:29:48 it to the jury, and it was so disturbing. All right, Tom, name ten rapes. Nan King, where the Ducks lost the Stanley Cup. Go Ducks. Cosby, okay, so I got 37 extra. Cosby 2, The Revenge. Go Ducks. Cosby. Okay, so I got 37 extra. Cosby 2 with the revenge. Go Ducks. It looks like you're wearing like a tricorn, like Founding Fathers hat.

Starting point is 00:30:11 Keith has the panties on his head now. Yeah. We're getting all Animal House in here, dude. Yeah, it's getting wacky, man. Yeah, we're podcasting in a house none of us technically live in right now. We're basically squatting. This is awesome. Yeah, the energy is electric in here because we're all leaving for tour in like six hours.

Starting point is 00:30:24 Oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Dude, I'm about to go home, see my family a little bit, watch a couple episodes of Moonshiners. Basically squatting. It's awesome. The energy is electric in here because we're all leaving for tour in like six hours. Oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Dude, I'm about to go home, see my family a little bit, watch a couple episodes of Moonshiners, you know? Fucking just hug my mom goodbye. It'll be fun. Is Moonshiners about alcohol?

Starting point is 00:30:39 Moonshiners is about a bunch of idiots that make moonshine, and it is the best shit entertainment ever. So what I said. Yeah, yeah. It is what it is. Yeah. I wasn't like, actually moonshine. I was just, yeah, I was elaborating. Nice.

Starting point is 00:30:46 All right, guys. A lawsuit claims CVS released the HIV status of 6,000 customers. A date of reach the size of approximately 3.5 receipts. They got long receipts. Oh! That's a real fucking... No, it's just, that's the oldest fucking CVS joke in the book. I wrote a shitload this week, it's just... That's the oldest fucking CVS joke in the book, but I wrote a shitload

Starting point is 00:31:06 this week, but they're all bad. I had a tag for a joke. I have a whole bit about how I think cum is just useless as a product, and the tag I always liked

Starting point is 00:31:15 that never worked was that cum is like a CVS receipt where I'm like, look, I know I need it, but why is there so much of it? Oh, that's funny. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:31:21 All right. Hundreds of women are sending love letters to Parkland shooter Nicola Cruz. One even said a poem which Yeah. Alright. Hundreds of women are sending love letters to Parkland shooter Nicola Cruz. One even said a poem, which goes as following. Roses are red, violets are blue, David Hogg's lying, that kid's 32.

Starting point is 00:31:35 Hell yeah, dude. Welcome. Our guest is here, Roseanne. How you doing? Flap, flap, flap. She's a terrorist. She learned how to open the doors. Oh no. She thinks she's people Everybody run Roseanne's at the fence

Starting point is 00:31:47 Game over, man John Goodman No We have a flawed relationship Squawk What am I if not the next step after Tom Arnold? That's John Goodman No, but Tom Arnold is who was married to her in real life

Starting point is 00:32:03 Oh, okay I thought her and John Goodman were married. No, on the show. Oh, okay. In real life, it was Tom Arnold. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Isn't he like Pixar movies or something?

Starting point is 00:32:11 I think you could marry Roseanne. I could probably marry Roseanne. I could probably fuck Roseanne if I wanted to. I don't really want to fuck Roseanne. I think she may want to get some of that money. I want some of that 18 million viewers money. Jesus Christ. Yeah, dude.

Starting point is 00:32:22 You might get to meet Whitney Cummings. Yeah. Fucking Whitney Cummings yeah fucking whitney again oh no oh yeah because oh yeah that's right yeah yeah she took a picture of me in my gay outfit and made fun of me with ken jong ken jong was very sweet i get why people like that guy so much funny story actually i tweeted whitney about this so whitney cummings uh voted against me in rose battle and like it was an understandable vote but i've still i've harbored like a jokey level of animosity towards her uh then i went on a date has a fucking voodoo doll of whitney cummings in his pants right now it could be any mildly affable white woman but then i uh i went on a date with a girl and she was like a big whitney cummings fan and ran some like weird

Starting point is 00:33:03 like first date test that's in whitney's book apparently okay and then i hooked up with that girl so thanks whitney cummings hey thanks anyway tom you're up oh i am yeah there's three people it's a circle the best thing the best thing that you do in life tom is when you just say something way too loud for no reason every time i speak to you you're like surprised i'm talking to you. It all sounds the same volume to me, which might be a hearing thing. You have a great EQ in your head. Everything sort of just... EQ is that

Starting point is 00:33:35 gender magazine, right? Yes. No need to explain. Yeah, no. An Arizona woman used a taser to wake up her child for Easter church. Her kid was taken away from her. But I think that's sad because that's just saying good morning in Arizona. I fucked that up pretty bad.

Starting point is 00:33:54 I didn't totally get it. Well, I'll be honest. I worded it. I wrote it wrong. I said it wrong from what I wrote. And then, yeah, goodbye. Can I read this one? No.

Starting point is 00:34:06 Oh, okay. I wanted to do the dramatization of it. No, no. I'm basically saying they're mean in Arizona. Oh, gotcha. Yeah, yeah. Cool. True that.

Starting point is 00:34:16 Good thing I said that to people. And a safe platform for hundreds and hundreds to listen to. Oh, he's getting the accent again. Come on. I want to see where he's going with this. Let the man make his point. Go on, Tom. Yes, good job, Tom. Pass it along to Con Man now.

Starting point is 00:34:40 I just took like a business call about the podcast. And we're like sending these people some clips. And they're like, okay, so the gun oil thing, I think it's great. But we can't have the clip be you guys talking about Asian people and getting fucked in the ass. And I was like, okay, so the 9-11 one where I call Karen Veehan old for 35 seconds isn't good either. And they're like, no. And I was like, all right, great.

Starting point is 00:35:07 Why does anybody like this show? I have no idea. It's the worst. We cannot market it for 30 seconds at a time. We have not been able to find a 45-second clip of this show being fun for the whole family. Yeah, we don't accept six minutes of Pokemon. Dude, I listen to that Pokemon.

Starting point is 00:35:25 That's the best thing we've ever done. It's pretty fucking fun. That was so goddamn good. My friend told me that they'd listen to that clip, and they were like, I finally listened to that clip. And they're like, they subscribed right afterwards. They thought it was really great. Well, now it's hundreds and hundreds and ones.

Starting point is 00:35:37 Dalmatians. We're about 3,000 an episode now. Something like that. I feel like that's stuff we're not supposed to talk about on air. I don't give a shit. Yeah, that's true. Who cares? Yeah, The shit gives you. I'm of the philosophy, if you try to look cooler than you

Starting point is 00:35:49 actually are, it always backfires. I always underplay how when people ask about it, I'm always like, ah, yeah. That's kind of my maneuver, too. I'm just like, ah, this whole thing. If you listen to it and you love it, it's for you. Otherwise, if love let go, whatever the quote

Starting point is 00:36:05 is you know like if you just see someone that makes like a really nice like flyer for a show that you know is shitty you know and it's and it's just like what are you doing like what are you doing yeah don't don't lie to us yeah like i don't know i i headlined the fucking the barcade in durant oklahoma on saturday i I didn't spend 30 minutes in Photoshop. Wow. You're always headlining the bar, kid. Yeah, wow. The fucking shit dick bar and grill?

Starting point is 00:36:32 Man, they got a bar and a grill? They have a food license? I didn't know they had the technology in Oklahoma. They fucking don't. All right, guys. A Boston high school janitor was caught taking pictures in the women's restrooms. He's been charged with four counts of stroking

Starting point is 00:36:43 in the girls' room. Had to do a song parody. Gotta get warmed up for the road, everybody. I know how you work. A shooter committed a murder-suicide in a Joanne's fabric. Authorities are investigating the head of ISIS's arts and crafts wing,

Starting point is 00:36:57 Muhammad Al-Habilabi. Hell yeah, dude. It's been a while since we brought in a Muhammad Al-whatever. It's your beer-all Wile E. Coyote. No fucking fucking uh joannes what i love is the joannes and chino i went to go take a shit while my mom was getting fabric when we were like uh when i was like a kid and i go in there there's like gang signs carved into the toilet like who is like yo this joannes is ours yeah you can't even buy blue fabric here son this is the bloods yeah yeah i was like were you making like getting custom T-shirts for a memorial service gang?

Starting point is 00:37:26 What is going on here? When I worked at the Queen Mary in Long Beach, there were gang tags there. I'm like, okay, you cannot have the ship, Long Beach Locos. Is that a real? Yes. That should be a chicken restaurant. Long Beach Locos? Yeah, yeah.

Starting point is 00:37:39 Yeah, I think it's where Gus Fring worked in Breaking Bad. Oh, yeah, yeah. Oh, I like him. Cool. Cool. Okay. A YouTube, you know. You know, the tube that's for you. Yeah, the tube you.

Starting point is 00:37:52 A YouTube crochet blogger. Already great. All right, hang on. Let's genuinely, let's slow down. Let's give him some rambles. Let him try and get this one going. Yeah, yeah. Let's do it.

Starting point is 00:38:06 A YouTube crochet vlogger is in trouble for posting videos threatening to shoot up a school. Oh, boy. What a nitwit. I retract my offer of leniency. Fuck you. What the hell has gotten into you, man you auditioning for mad magazine what the fuck are you that is like that's too corny for like the daily digest for the reader's digest what a nitwit it's like it's like it's it's like you it's like you were carrying like

Starting point is 00:38:43 a thing of offensive edgelord jokes and a thing of greeting cards. And you dropped them. And you're like, oh, shit. Tape it back together. We'll figure it out. Oh, man. A local man killed an infant and shit inside of its skull. Boy, he must have been real pooped.

Starting point is 00:39:02 I really enjoyed that. Yeah, it was fun You made yourself laugh very hard I don't know why Because I know it's not good I can tell you're about to do a terrible joke Because your mohawk starts glowing a little Alright guys

Starting point is 00:39:18 A teenager became quadriplegic After swallowing a garden slug at a party On a dare This might sound like a stupid question But has anyone tried making him eat a bunch of salt? This is a pretty fucking hilarious picture of this guy being like a party bro. And then he's all Stephen Hawking double watching football

Starting point is 00:39:35 with this other dude who's just like, I sure don't want to be here. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I just had this really funny visual. You guys have seen Guardians of the Galaxy, right? Yeah. You know how Yondu, the blue guy, has that fin, and if he whistles, the arrow flies around? Oh, yeah.

Starting point is 00:39:48 I like that, too. I think Tom's mohawk is like that fin, but if he whistles, it's just a mozzarella stick. Mozzarella Yondu. Hell yeah. Mozzarella Yondu. I can't whistle. Oh, okay. That's the problem with it.

Starting point is 00:40:03 Dude, I was thinking, you know how the kids idolize musicians that died when they were 27? I was like, what if they idolize famous chefs that died early and there's something like T-shirts at Macy's with just a mozzarella stick that says, come as you are, 1974 to 1999 or whatever. Oh, man. It's too young. I love it. A millionaire and his wife had a threesome with a teen girl before watching her fall 1999 or whatever. Oh, man, he's too young. I love it.

Starting point is 00:40:28 A millionaire and his wife had a threesome with a teen girl before watching her fall 14 floors to her death, although the man insisted it looked like 18 floors to him. Oh. A McDonald's cashier is being charged for having a baby with her brother. Attention was brought to the baby because the baby had medical... Damn it, Tom! Tom, you're a professional speaker. A professional misspeaker.

Starting point is 00:40:54 I mean, you're technically correct. Her baby had the medical... Tom, you fucking goon! We do this every three days. How have you gotten the sores in it? Baby.

Starting point is 00:41:11 Tom, Tom, fucking breathe air for a minute. This is your primary job. Yes. Her baby had medical conditions that also qualified her to work at McDonald's. I didn't hear the first part. The first part was a storm of fucking giggling. You fucking gravy-brained dullards. Every week I'm like, I gotta stop calling tom tommy that tommy's a smart man i'm just bad at

Starting point is 00:41:50 you know speaking and thinking and writing and you know words in general ideas uh breathing never do that again it's hilarious man this is like the podcasting version of Atrocity Exhibition by Joy Division. It's like, you guys just want to laugh at my seizures while I sing my sad song. Tom's like, I'm just trying to write my McDonald's retard baby jokes. Tom's got a joke. It's not good. I don't know. There's something about just the absurdity of me being like, all right, this has three lines.

Starting point is 00:42:27 I'm not going to get through the first one before I start fucking up the wording. And then I'm going to be so distracted by that, I'm going to forget the first part. And the second part is going to make no sense. Yeah. Yeah. Trying to figure out your jokes is like trying to hack an Indian in the snow. I have such a hard time with this short format because it doesn't fit my stand-up.

Starting point is 00:42:46 And I'm still struggling to figure it out. Yeah, yeah. Have you guys noticed I'm still struggling to figure out how to do... Nah, dude. Don't get down on yourself. You're not a nitwit. All right. The Mean Boys podcast will be right back after this.

Starting point is 00:43:02 The Mean Boys podcast is brought to you by the new productivity app simple it's called simpl no e so it looks hip and the seo is better simple allows you to feel like you're making a change in your life without actually doing anything just by downloading the app you've taken a step towards self-improvement and that's enough to stop and reward yourself with one of the behaviors you're trying to avoid with simple's intuitive to-do list feature you can make a list of tasks you have to complete and then look at them so you can feel good about just making a list. You might be a loser, but now you're an organized loser. If you refer a friend to Simple, you're rewarded with the feeling of perceived superiority you get from

Starting point is 00:43:36 subtly implying your life is more put together than your friend's is. They're not using Simple? They must be a directionless sack of shit. Not like you. You've got an app. Simple. Simple features a series of unique guided meditations customized to your flaws and insecurities. Sit down for 10 minutes and listen to an Australian woman tell you about breathing. You did something and you didn't even have to do anything. Has this been proven to actually affect your outlook, discipline, or mood? Shut up. It's easy and you can talk about it at parties every day simple sends you a push notification featuring a positive affirmation keep going you got this you miss 100 of the shots you don't take just reading these powerful words of wisdom will remind you

Starting point is 00:44:16 that you already downloaded an app and that's enough to change your world you don't have to use it you downloaded it that's a great first step have some cigarettes go back to bed you're basically duane the rock johnson you productive bitch simple you are never gonna change anyways oh and welcome back to the mean boys podcast uh playing a new game comes to us from listener andy sandoval he writes new game to play hey mean boys always wanted to submit a game, so I came up with the following. Hentai or anime? Given the title, try to guess if it is a Japanese anime or hentai. Parentheses, Japanese cartoon porn for people who do not know.

Starting point is 00:44:53 If you listen to the show, you know. Yeah, and I just want to point out, because everybody keeps mentioning it on the Mean Boys subreddit. Yes, I see how many anime conversations are happening. Yes, I'm furious about it. And I need you to stop. He writes, thanks for all the laughs and glory to the fudge alert. Yeah, I was reading the Mean Boys subreddit the other day. And I was like, man, her fans are fucking nerds.

Starting point is 00:45:11 I feel like there is a subreddit thread going right now where it's a Mean Boys character's power ranking. Oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah, which, by the way, I want to clear one thing up because there was some confusion. Somebody asked if The Great Machine is part of the Omega Tom canon. It is. That's all I'll say right now. The Omega Tom will be coming back at some point. I plan to bring it back, and then Nice Boys happened instead.

Starting point is 00:45:28 So it's coming, but it's just going to be a little delayed. Yeah. And then, yeah, I mean, it's funny. I've gone to subreddit, and you can complain about the last Jedi with a bunch of like-minded peers. I was so heartwarmed when I looked at that, and I realized, oh, there's a conversation about the last Jedi happening on our subreddit and people disagree about it, but no one's getting called a cock.

Starting point is 00:45:48 People are being cool to each other. I know, so get on it, guys. Go call everyone a cock in The Last Jedi. I don't know, it was the only conversation with The Last Jedi I haven't wanted to stab in the neck. Yeah, so yeah, enjoy, guys. We've had some good conversations about that film. Have we? Yeah. We don't need to bring it up now.

Starting point is 00:46:04 Anyway, we're talking about tentacles i can see the wheels turning in connor's head uh all right so uh first one uh whenever it's funny whenever someone's headphones go out and they fix theirs they break somebody else's uh this is these are mostly decorative headphones because whenever you two can hear it i can and i'm just like i'll just why are you still wearing because you guys yell at me when i don't no we don't yes you do that's never happened. It's for sure. I for sure yelled at Tom.

Starting point is 00:46:29 I know. I was trying to gaslight Tom into thinking we've never yelled at him. No, here's the thing. When you guys do that, I still know. I just don't argue with you. You're doing the accent again. I don't mean to. Yeah, you do this weird, like the way Billy Joe kind of tried to sound British in the

Starting point is 00:46:41 early 90s. I don't know why I do that. Neither do I. I don't know why I do that. Neither do I. I don't know why you do any of the things you do. Yeah, you're an inexplicable man. Yeah. I never once have been like, oh, of course, Tom has golf clubs now. It's like always been like...

Starting point is 00:46:54 I had golf clubs for a while. Oh, good. Yeah. I fell out of golf class one time. What happened? You're unteachable. Yeah, yeah. no, I just... Yeah, derpy Madison.

Starting point is 00:47:11 My old neighbor had really old clubs. He gave me things, and the club was like, I should learn to golf. And then the teacher was just like, you know, golf isn't for everybody. And then my ex was like, you want to fuck? And I was like, goodbye, golf. And yeah, that was my golf course. Your neighbor was for sure like... Yeah, he still did 18 holes.

Starting point is 00:47:32 Your neighbor was for sure like trying to molest you with the promise of golf clubs. And then he like talked to you for five minutes. And he's like, this is a lie even for me. God, what a rip for like a molestation reward. Oh, yeah. Golf clubs, great. He's not. I pretty much lived with him for a while.

Starting point is 00:47:46 Somebody molested you and then tried to bribe your silence with like socks. Why did you live with your neighbor? Well, I was just spent all day over there because he was my godfather.

Starting point is 00:47:54 I refer to him as my godfather and he was just like, oh, okay. Like I'd always hang out there. I was picturing like an American beauty type sitch where you look at his bookcase

Starting point is 00:48:02 and you're like, oh, okay. So how many people actually died? No, no, no, no. Him and his wife and they're from Brooklyn, East Coast people and they just talk about

Starting point is 00:48:12 angry shit and then watch hockey and then we'd eat salmon. Dude, I'm starting an all-white comedy festival called Golf Town in Portland. You gotta be white. You have to be heteronormative. And the submission fees are one. You got to pay with like a certificate of deposit.

Starting point is 00:48:30 The whitest form of value. I was going to say just a Bitcoin. I think it's the whitest currency. Oh, it's a pretty white currency. Although it's like used for like Somali pirates to like buy like, you know, like kids and stuff. Yeah, but you're selling the kids to white people. Yeah, that's true. Yep.

Starting point is 00:48:45 I mean, I've got to figure the demographic of people who are buying illegal children on the Silk Road is exclusively white people. Probably, yeah. Yeah. One group of black guys who just pooled their money to buy one white kid. I'm just picturing... We're not even going to do bad stuff to them. We're just going to teach them how to break dance. I was just picturing a rich white heiress just using a black baby as

Starting point is 00:49:05 to put on her foundation. Like human makeup? Yeah, she pats its butt onto some powder and then she's like, okay, let me just blend the rouge a little bit. I thought you were using his hair like a little afro. I meant the belly. It doesn't matter what part of the African child

Starting point is 00:49:21 you used to apply your makeup. The important thing is you're a bad person. Yeah. All right, guys. So we'll send that over. That's a good highlight clip for the show. God damn it. We're going to lose this deal.

Starting point is 00:49:33 Oh, for sure. Yeah. We've really gotten bad in the last couple episodes. It's really just been like farting. Yeah, but I kind of love it. It's fun, yeah. I want to see how unprofessional we can get before our fans abandon us. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:49:48 I want to be doing this on an iPhone in a bus. Yeah, this is worth $1,300 a month. Well, we're going to be on a lot of buses. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Dude, fucking bus cast. Dude, we should do random interviews with other people. We are interviewing somebody. Oh, dude, Greyhound journalism.

Starting point is 00:50:03 I want to do Greyhound. We are doing a Greyhound episode. Dude, fuck yeah, we are. Fuck yeah. If you want to take the Greyhound with us from Detroit to Pittsburgh. Yeah, fucking get on the... We'll definitely do Better Know, Mean Boys fan. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:50:15 We'll go to like a Danny's after the show. Oh, we have so many stupid plans to hatch. Oh, yeah. I'm really excited. Are any of these places... Do they have legal fireworks? I have... No, but I just...

Starting point is 00:50:24 I was going to say I have a box of fireworks, then I realized I can't bring them on the airplane. Yeah, yeah, they get upset about it. I got to do something with those fireworks. Why do you need fireworks? Oh, I was just thinking of a bunch of cool shit we could do with fireworks. We'll get some fireworks. Okay.

Starting point is 00:50:36 Just in general? There's no need to investigate further. Tom wants fire. Dude, the ideas are endless. You could do so much. Really name one. You could light them. You could do so much. Really name one. You could light them. Okay, that's the main one.

Starting point is 00:50:48 All right. Tom, name ten things you could do with fireworks. You can put them in anuses. You can set them up in the sky. Two. Mailboxes. Three. People.

Starting point is 00:50:57 You can have Roman candle wars. Okay. You can fund bomb scares. Scary bomb scares. Scary bomb scares. Terrorism, butt stuff, fighting, mail. Good pranks. There are a lot of good pranks. All right, you're stretching.

Starting point is 00:51:18 Yeah, but I mean. Okay, Barbra Streisand, Toby Marshmallow, and Doc. All right, so anime or hentai? Oh, yeah, I forgot we're doing a thing. Hot Shit High. Is that an anime or a hentai? You can kick them. You know what is a fun thing to do is we used to soak stuffed animals in lighter fluid,

Starting point is 00:51:37 light them on fire, and play, like, flaming soccer. There's so much fire games. It's so cool. Don't say fire games like that. Fire games. Well, don't follow it with there's so much fire games, because that does not lead me to believe we should get you explosives. It's so funny that we could get Tom a gun so much more easily

Starting point is 00:51:53 than we could get him a fucking Roman candle. Yeah, last time I was in Indiana, I shot a gun. Only state to let me shoot a gun. I really thought you were going to say guy. I killed a beer bottle. Yeah, his name was Dave. We had a family. I was also cross-faded and had just lit my friend's shirt on fire before I did it.

Starting point is 00:52:12 Man, Indiana sucks. And then afterwards threw up on so-called friend's, his shoes. Okay. And yeah, this was all before 2 p.m. What was the name of the hentai there? I'm the ghost of Keith Ray. I possess Tom, and I'm using him to take care of my agenda. I love that, dude.

Starting point is 00:52:31 We're going to escape Indiana on a blimp I made out of old underpants. Like, at the back of them, there's a pair of long johns drifting in the wind. Yeah, well, that's where the helmsman goes. You've got to steer the ship, Keith. The thing about Keith Ray voices is it always ends with Keith becoming a blimp captain. Yeah, we were in some rare It's bad when we get a

Starting point is 00:52:52 fight about a Taco Bell drive through that always ends the tour. And this was after the shirt setting, fire, gun shooting, crossfading. What do you mean you don't take gold? It's a universal store of value. Yeah, I just don't know why I went mining.

Starting point is 00:53:08 You guys should give him a follow. I can't buy gorditas with this gold dust. Yeah, I might as well stick this pickaxe up my ass. I think his Twitter is something like Texas Hot Sauce or something like that. Okay, so Hot Shit High, is that anime or

Starting point is 00:53:23 hentai, anime porn? I'm going to say hentai. Hot shit follow? Hot shit high. It's three words, and I said them 12 seconds ago. Tom? You fuck. Hold information for a moment.

Starting point is 00:53:40 Anime or anime porn. I'm going to say non-porn. Okay. Tom, do me a favor. Say the name of it again. Hot Shit High. Okay. All right.

Starting point is 00:53:51 And what? It's called anime or what? Henticles? Hentai. Yeah, that is hentai. Marvin, the school nerd, finds the power to beat the shit out of his bully after having sex with Charlene, the most popular girl in school. Wow.

Starting point is 00:54:05 He gets like Spider-Man powers from her pussy? Yeah. That's cool. With great plow-her comes great responsibility. Alright. I am great at comedy stuff. Puns, puns, puns. Next one, erotic comic teacher. Is that anime? Erotic comic teacher?

Starting point is 00:54:22 Yeah, erotic comic teacher. See, I think it's a trick because that sounds like a hentai so much because erotic isn't there I think it's like that it's about Stan Lee and his nurse yeah exactly

Starting point is 00:54:29 it's actually a graphic novel that's more of a you know a chilling biography of a man yeah I think I think it's a anime

Starting point is 00:54:34 anime you fucking that's an anime with your disrespectfully long vape rips anime the story centers around high school student

Starting point is 00:54:44 something something, who loves writing light novels, having no artistic skill himself. This dude always gets his novels illustrated by an anonymous partner using the pen name Aeromanga Sensei, who's known for drawing questionably perverted images and who turns out to be his little sister not related by blood. Dude, I'm so

Starting point is 00:55:00 over Japan. It's like sister draws porn for him? Tight. Where's the story there? Where's the arc? I will never understand this art form that you fools. This guy gets a notebook and he writes people's name in it and it kills them.

Starting point is 00:55:15 Oh, okay. That sounds cool. I could do something with that. You could put Willem Dafoe in that. Yeah, but this guy is an illustrator and it's his stepsister who's a perv. I think that sounds pretty scary. I don't know if it's supposed to be scary.

Starting point is 00:55:26 No, it sounds scary. Is it supposed to be boring? It sounds boring. I don't know. It could make a good horror script, like a short. Yeah, all right. Mad Bull 34.

Starting point is 00:55:35 Is that anime or hentai? Hentai. Do you say hentai or hentai? Mad Bull 34 is that, like, off-brand Four Loko, right? Yeah, that's not like a gas station, like in Iowa. I'm looking at Mad Dog 2020.

Starting point is 00:55:47 That's like when they take, because you go out to like Oklahoma and shit, and there's like tests to like products. Yeah. They're just like, we got new Monster Energy chimichangas. All your favorite monsters. Monster changa. They're called kick changa kicks. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:56:01 Kick yourself in the ass with the wake up changa, chim Chimmy, chimmy, choo-choo. All the get-up-and-go of a butt full of pork. I think it's an animatron or whatever. Okay. Shut up. I refuse to learn this terminology. What is it? Mad Bowl coast-to-coast or something?

Starting point is 00:56:18 Mad Bowl 34. Okay. I don't know how you know all the lacrosse rules, but you refuse to learn. Because I play lacrosse. I play anime. Madball 34. I used to coach women's anime. Madball 34 is a hentai.

Starting point is 00:56:33 I coach boys anime. Or boys. Never mind. Anime. The series follows the toughest cop in NYPD's 34th district, Madbull, and is often violent exploits when dealing with the city's criminals. Wait, so it's just NYPD blue? Yeah, it's just about a mean cop.

Starting point is 00:56:48 Yeah, call it. I love what Japanese people think that America is, because in the G Gundam show I always talk about, the America Gundam, it's just a dude named Chibity Crockett who's really good at boxing. We know! And all his mechanics are hot chicks. Dude, one thing I don't like about Japan is they have no problem saying that you're fat. Like, it's not insulting. Like, they don't know

Starting point is 00:57:09 that that bums people out. Yeah, but if you're, like, fat enough, then you get to be, like, one of their diaper wrestle boys. I was talking to Aiko Tanaka one time on a road trip, and she was like,

Starting point is 00:57:17 we do not have fat people in Japan. I was just like, what a great thing to say, Aiko. They have been eliminated. Yeah. She also said, if I don't eat pear, I die. She's so funny.

Starting point is 00:57:29 I love it. We've got to have Ike on the show. I would love to have her on the show. We talked about that back when we started the damn podcast. Yeah, she was one of the first people on the list. Yeah, yeah. I've always wanted to have a late night show and have Ike be my sidekick and just turn to her. And she's like, oh, I got a sandwich press that makes your PB&J look like pb and j look like a baby chicken and i'd be like okay do you have

Starting point is 00:57:48 any thoughts about that north korea joke oh bad like i don't know i do a sandwich origami oh dude by the way this is not a racist exit this is what i go to not gonna say yeah we gotta watch stand up it's great uh okay next one the younger sister gyaru ala mode is that an anime or a hentai? I think it's a porn one. Yeah, I'm with Tom. Porn. Alamode sounds like, ah, here's a coming up bowl.

Starting point is 00:58:11 Yeah, Alamode means with ice cream, but I don't think it's ice cream. Yeah, it's a hentai. Simple story of a guy who finally has sex with a girl next door who went from not to hot. Tight. Wait, not what? She went from not hot to hot. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:58:24 Why is that a sight? She took off her glasses and walked down the stairs. Yeah, that's exactly. Tight. Wait, not what? She went from not hot to hot. Why is that a sight? She took off her glasses and walked down the stairs. Yeah, that's exactly. Yeah. We're all going to that. She's all that. I got into like manga and shit. I was reading Naruto when I was in, that's how you know I'm cool.

Starting point is 00:58:34 I don't even say it right. I say it the bro way, Naruto. Naruto, my dude. I was reading Naruto in seventh grade. I was like hanging out with like the anime kids and this guy's like, oh, I got to give you this really cool anime or this this really cool manga, or whatever. So he gives it to me, and I take it home, and I realize very quickly that it is super duper porn.

Starting point is 00:58:50 Right. And I'm like, oh my god, this guy's jizz is all in the book. It was just bad. It was gross. I wrote jizzes in books. And I was like, now I have porn, and I'm a nerdy kid. I'm like, I don't know what the fuck to do with this. So I'm hiding it, and I just gave it back.

Starting point is 00:59:01 The only manga I ever read was Battle Royale, because I love the movie. Have you guys ever seen that? No. Isn't it like Rock'em Sock'em but more advanced? What could you... No. Shut up. I was actually being serious on that one. Well, yeah. I'm trying to piece together what do you even think you said. There was like

Starting point is 00:59:19 a BattleBots thing. Tom saw a commercial for Pacific Rim while he was on codeine. No. Battle Royale is... The Hunger Games kind of ripped it off but it's this Japanese thing? Tom saw a commercial for Pacific Rim while he was on codeine, and then he just... No, Battle Royale is... The Hunger Games kind of ripped it off, but it's this Japanese thing. It was a book, and then it became a really great movie

Starting point is 00:59:30 about these kids who have to go to an island. They have to murder each other, otherwise their heads explode. Oh, I saw a part of this movie. Yeah, great movie. But they did a manga of it, and I'm like, oh, I'll read the manga because it just goes deeper.

Starting point is 00:59:41 And then I'm like, oh, half of this is just super creepy weird, like this teenage girl is peeing and then getting fucked. Oh, nice. What is manga? Manga is like Japanese comic books. I thought that was anime. Well, anime is a cartoon.

Starting point is 00:59:53 Yeah. So if it's a book, it's manga. If it's a movie, it's anime. There you go. You got it, man. Sweet. This sucks. My last one, then.

Starting point is 01:00:06 My little sister can't be this cute. Wait, we've done this on... Oh, shit, but I can't remember what the answer was. Oh, maybe we did. Maybe we did it during the Steve Brandes Easy round. Oh, yeah, I forgot. The last time we did hentai was with Steve Brandes Easy on 9-11. This podcast sucks.

Starting point is 01:00:23 This podcast rules. What are you talking about? Yeah, it was hentai, right? I don't know, Keith. Who could give a degree of a fuck? I say it's anime. Oh, it's anime. Ah, cool.

Starting point is 01:00:39 A normal student living in Chiba has not gotten along with his younger sister, Kirito, in years. Wow. Tell me more. To Keto's suitcase surprise, he finds a hidden erotic story or novel that belongs to his little sister. I just want you to know the only interesting part about that is for a second, I thought you said the phrase to Keto's suitcase. I was like, what kind of luggage is that? And can I unpack all my clothes and replace them with that for the tour? What is a Keto's suitcase?

Starting point is 01:01:03 I want to hear the end of this, Connor. It's like a duffel bag shaped like a taquita. It looks like I want a humidor with that for the tour. I want to hear the end of this, Connor. It's like a duffel bag shaped like a taquito. It looks like I want a humidor like for cigars. But not even high quality taquitos.

Starting point is 01:01:11 Like 7-Eleven taquitos. Yeah, let me get you a 94 Hurricane. Yes, it's a 2003 Monterey Jack. Yeah, I got myself a Cuban

Starting point is 01:01:19 diarrhea stick. Do you have something in a buffalo chicken rotor? Connor, I want to hear how this ends. Karina brings Kiyos want to hear how this ends. Karina brings Kyosuke to Kyosuke's

Starting point is 01:01:29 room. Kyosuke's. And reveals herself to be an otaku with an extensive collection of moe anime and younger sister

Starting point is 01:01:39 themed eroge. So it's an anime about a guy whose little sister has a bunch of incest porn and it's not a porn? You suck!

Starting point is 01:01:47 Dude, fucking... That's like, hey, I'm going to watch a baseball game where no one has a bat. Like, fucking go big or... Dude, if they had to punch the ball, that would be fucking hilarious. Well, here's the thing. I would watch baseball if they had to sacrifice... I bet this guy has watched all of these. I bet he just wrote these descriptions like fucking freehand.

Starting point is 01:02:04 Jesus Christ. Do not read like fucking freehand. Jesus Christ. Do not read an official fucking synopsis. I think he just wrote them out. Or it's the Japanese translator. Here's my problem with this. There are neither taquitos nor a container for those taquitos to travel. Let's do one more.

Starting point is 01:02:18 Boyish girlfriend. She's going to be our dominatrix in Fort Wayne. That's the killer song that was so big back in the day. Boyish girlfriend. I'm going to say the porny one. Okay. What's that called again, Tom? The porno.

Starting point is 01:02:35 No, say what it's called. Animated porn. Say what it's called. I refuse. You know. I know. I will not say. You don't know.

Starting point is 01:02:43 I don't believe you. What letter does it start with? An H, I think. What letter does it start with? An H, I think. What letter does it end with? Probably an I or a Y. Spell it. Maybe an E. Spell it.

Starting point is 01:02:52 No. Spell it. Tom, name 10 cartoons. No. My name is Tom. I said Tom. Oh, you're right. All right.

Starting point is 01:03:02 The Adventures of Taquito Suitcase. Boy's girlfriend. Girl is a boy. Do looks you're right. All right. The Adventures of Takedo Suitcase. Boyish girlfriend. Girl is a boy. Do looks like a lady. I say it's hentai. Yeah, that's hentai. Cool. A young man who lives in a rural village one day finds that his childhood friend is a lot

Starting point is 01:03:17 cuter than he remembers and proceeds to have sex with her. Why is the plot of all of these? You weren't hot, but now you're hot, so now I will. Yeah, well, you used to be an ugly kid, but now you're a hot kid, so I'm going to fuck you. Yeah, and I'm going to cram it right up your suitcase. I love nostalgia. Dude, we've got to watch this Louis Theroux documentary about pedophiles that I was checking out the other night. Really? Do we got to?

Starting point is 01:03:36 You guys, it's so much fun. Nathan Camp got me all into Louis Theroux, and that guy is awesome. I don't know who that is. He's a British documentarian and he just, he's, we watched some of his Nazi stuff. Oh yeah, yeah. He goes to Fresno

Starting point is 01:03:47 and he like talks to meth heads and he's just like, do you ever think that what you're doing might be bad? And they're like, no. And he's like,

Starting point is 01:03:54 uh, and he's just got this like stern-ass, stern-ass British face and it's, well, I'll tell you about it later. Anyway,

Starting point is 01:03:59 uh, the Mean Boys podcast will be right back, uh, after this. Fwaa. The Mean Boys podcast, as always, is sponsored by Studio Headphones.

Starting point is 01:04:10 Premium audio listening products for your enjoyment. Comfortably designed, stylishly made. For your ears. Yeah, specifically for your ears. That's where they go. Yeah. And we're wearing the Regents right now. That's the premium on-ear model. Very comfortable.

Starting point is 01:04:22 You can wear them around all day without getting that headphone ear cramp fatigue. The cord is magical. It's got a flat auxiliary cord that I've never once been able to tangle it, despite my best efforts. If you're not a cord guy, it's got hours and hours of Bluetooth life on one charge. Battery lasts forever, dude.

Starting point is 01:04:39 It does. You know what? You use your headphones every day. Make a little investment in yourself. Treat yourself to something that you're going to use all the time. And just watch your quality of life improve a little bit. You're worth it. And the best part of all is that you get 15% off if you go to the website studiosweden.com and use promo code MEANBOYS. That is studiosweden.com, promo code MEANBOYS.

Starting point is 01:04:59 Whoa. We have our own promo code. Use that to buy these headphones. Thanks, Tom. Oh, and the Mean Boys podcast is back to play a round of our favorite game. What's the following? What's the following? Which one is the real one?

Starting point is 01:05:23 Hi, Mean Boys. This comes to us from Diedrich Zurmond. This is an awesome name. Diedrich Zurmond! All right, well, when you're done being the right-hand man of Cobra Commander. I was about to say, you fucking Captain America bad guy. Hi, Mean Boys. You wrote Mean Boys is all one word.

Starting point is 01:05:40 Hi, Mean Boys. I'm a Mean Boys character. Hello, Means and Boys. I've been listening since the Kill Tony episode. I've been hooked ever since. I've been busy showing twins together, but I thought I'd make a picture of the following. I wasn't sure about format, so you'd have to fiddle with it. So, sorry.

Starting point is 01:05:54 It shakes free in insults, so I hereby bequeath it or something. He said bequeath instead of bequeath. Bequeath it. He's a fun guy. What a cool pussy fart. I bequeathed it to you. Yeah. Bequeath these nuts.

Starting point is 01:06:06 I don't know what that means. That's what Courtney Love is going to do to her fortune, to her Francis Bean. I bequeathed it to you. Is she going to do it with all 30 cents she has left? Yeah, that's what the lawyers are going to be like. Technically, you have to say hereby that it is bequeathed unto me. Unless you can't have it. She killed Kurt Cobain.

Starting point is 01:06:22 It's either that or you've got to stay the night in a haunted house. You've got one of the two. You've got to spend the night in your pussy? You've got to spend the night. Go, go, go! You've got to hang out in Kurt Novoselic's career. Oh, no! What a specific burn. I don't know who that is. He's the other guy in Nirvana.

Starting point is 01:06:38 Oh, the one that no one cared about. Yeah, and you're on board. Yeah, and now his thing is just like, yeah, I've got a beard and I'm like a teacher, kind of. Okay, cool. Everyone else is a dead or a millionaire. Yeah, alright, so which of the following is not a Shakespeare insult? A. Ye fat guts.

Starting point is 01:06:54 B. You stock fish. You're not even a unique fish. Man, you a basic fish. You a getty image-ass fish. Or C. Thou cream-faced loon. Or D, thou cream-faced loon. Or D, ye sperm witch. No, that's not sperm witch like sperm sandwich.

Starting point is 01:07:12 It's like a sperm spellcaster. Oh, God. Like a spermatozoic mage. Sabrina's come. I love saying spermatozoic mage. Yeah, it's pretty good. That sounds like a band that opened for Rush. Yeah. Man, I fucking love Rush.

Starting point is 01:07:25 Read me him one more time. Ye fat guts. Fat guts. You stock fish. Stock fish. The cream-faced loon. Or ye sperm witch. You cream-faced loon.

Starting point is 01:07:34 Oh, man. That's the best donut they have at Voodoo Donuts in Portland. I want a cream-faced loon. I'm trying to figure out what cream-faced... Because I don't think cream-faced means what we think it means. Oh, yeah, probably. In Shakespeare. It probably someone who wears like too much makeup or something maybe yeah Or just someone who's very pale like mad zits well cream cream isn't really zitty what comes out of them. Oh, that's true Yeah, well you can more got like cream reservoirs. Yeah, that's true. Cream deposits. You know, I drink a zit trick. You know, I drink a zit trick. Yeah, I'm a zit man.

Starting point is 01:08:05 I'm brave. Sure, every impression becomes this. You said I was a terrorist. Which of the following? Yes, sperm witch. If I told you I was a terrorist, would you agree? Bad man. I abandoned my boy.

Starting point is 01:08:16 It always happens during which of the following? Sperm-faced fish boy. There will be Bane. We've done so much Bane. Not enough, if you ask me. An impossible amount of Bane. If you ask me much Bane Not enough if you ask me An impossible amount of Bane If you ask me Bane You guys have done impossible

Starting point is 01:08:30 This is the one thing where I've been the less annoying one That's just because you can't do it Oh yeah this is very simple Really then when are you going to do it Because you didn't do it right then Yeah it's terrible Take a shot fuckface I'm not

Starting point is 01:08:43 I'm not I'm not I'm not I'm not I'm not I'm not I'm not I'm not

Starting point is 01:08:44 I'm not I'm not I'm not I'm not I'm not I'm not I'm not I'm not

Starting point is 01:08:44 I'm not I'm not I'm not I'm not I'm not I'm not I'm not I'm not I'm not I'm not I'm not I'm not I'm not I'm not I'm not I'm not I'm not I'm not I'm not I'm not I'm not I'm not I'm not I'm not I'm not I'm not I'm not I'm not I'm not I'm not I'm not I'm not I'm not I'm not I'm not I'm not I'm not It's terrible. Take a shot, fuckface. Step up to the plate, bitch. I'm not trolling for your Bane tricks.

Starting point is 01:08:46 I'm hearing a lot of talk, not a lot of action. It sounds like you're insecure about the fact that it says what? I think it's A. Okay. Well, I give a hot shit about your Bane. Cream-faced loon. This is the best podcast of 2011. I say C,

Starting point is 01:09:06 Cream-Faced Aluminum. The answer D, Ye Sperm Witch. Aw. Aw, come on. All right, which of the following is not a Shakespearean insult?

Starting point is 01:09:12 A, do they have citations at all or anything like that? No. Oh, okay. No, there's no citations. All right. It's so weird asking.

Starting point is 01:09:20 Did they use proper notes? Oh, no, this is the one I have had to read an incredible amount of Shakespeare. I fucking hate them and I have had to read an incredible amount of Shakespeare. I fucking hate him, and I want to know. That is one of my favorite weird Tom opinions,

Starting point is 01:09:29 that you are so anti-William Shakespeare. Oh, yeah. Well, no, you called him the Michael Bay of horse times. Yeah, I did. And I stand by it. In his defense, Michael Bay is a damn fine filmmaker. In Shakespeare's defense, the reason I hate him is because his premises have been done and his techniques are so overdone in modern cinema that I was just so fucking bored.

Starting point is 01:09:48 Yeah, but you can't get mad at him now. Right. But I'd still, like, I don't have to get mad at him, but I think that's a valid reason to not like his work. You know what I mean? Okay, so round number two. Not like a couple of people. Yeah, no.

Starting point is 01:10:00 Nobody cares. Round number two. Round number two. Hey. That's the most autistic version of Connors. Everybody stop riffing. I need to read a list. A, my wife's a hobby horse.

Starting point is 01:10:15 B, did I tell you about what Odo did on Deep Space Nine the other day? That's a weird one. No, B, thine slug lips lie. C, virginity breeds mites much like cheese. Or D, thine face is lips lie. C, virginity breeds mites, much like cheese. Or D, thine face is not worth sun burning. Damn. So you're so ugly, I would be down for nuclear winter. You're so ugly, I hope we lose all prospects of agriculture.

Starting point is 01:10:39 Or war. Roasteth. Fuck. Dude, a Shakespeare roast battle Has definitely been done At like a UCB Oh and it's for sure Like gently amusing Oh yeah yeah

Starting point is 01:10:50 Uh B is Thine slug lips lie Was A A was My wife's a hobby horse That's my guess Okay

Starting point is 01:10:57 What was What was C C was Virginity breeds mites Much like cheese I think it's A as well Alright the answer B Thine slug lips lie Motherfucker So where's Shakira's song Is virginity breeds mites much like cheese? I think it's A as well. All right.

Starting point is 01:11:07 The answer, B, thine slug lips lie. Motherfucker. So where's Shakira's song? Thine slug lips lie and I fucked a bunch of guys. I don't know. You ever notice that Shakira just sounds like the fake version of Stan's dad does on South Park? Oh, no, I didn't. Yeah, listen to them side by side. It's pretty comparable. Oh, that's funny.

Starting point is 01:11:28 Someone's getting a call. Oh, I thought that was the beginning of M&M. Hello? Oh, uh, what? Son of a bitch. Soap factory? Bank? Who was it? Uh, it was just a telemarketer. Okay. $1,300 a month. Who was it?

Starting point is 01:11:46 Okay. $1,300 a month. Round number three, which is not a Shakespearean insult. A, a broach-thin, bacon-fed arse. These all feel very like I'm being attacked. Yeah, I mean, it's not your problem. Your body type is hilarious throughout time. He has bars.

Starting point is 01:12:11 These are some good fucking punches. Man, this podcast really falls apart when it's just me and you, Tom. I know. Do you want to talk about some star bullshit that you're super into or something? Not really. I mostly just bring that up. You like the Trekkins? Is that what it is?

Starting point is 01:12:25 Okay, so fucking C, O, no, B. Ye fustularian, I'll tickle your catastrophe. That's what you are, is a catastrophe tickler. C, are you ticklish, Tom? I would never tickle you. But imagining you being tickled is pretty funny. If you get me tickled, I'm very punchy. All right, well, I think we have our next iTunes review goal.

Starting point is 01:12:48 Who wants to tickle a dog? I'm not very ticklish. And when you find the spots, I'm not stoked. Well, that's why God invented handcuffs. That's why my neighbor Godfather's dead. Trying to tickle me with his golf clubs. Tom, unamused. All right.

Starting point is 01:13:03 See. Man, I've never seen you clam up so hard C if only thou would shrivel like Craydon's flesh or D you faggot that one's real man

Starting point is 01:13:15 you know that Craydon always be shriveling and shit yo Craydon was that the old timey word for ball sack shit was that again fucking

Starting point is 01:13:23 abroach thine bacon fed arse that's right. The last one is just ye faggot? Yeah, it's you faggot. There's no ye faggot. Oh. Yeah. Spelled normal?

Starting point is 01:13:33 Yes. Okay. That's got to be real. I think it's fucking... What is Craydon? I bet that's going to be from Battlestar Galactica or something. Probably. I'm going with Craydon.

Starting point is 01:13:48 All right, ZombieGus. I don't know what Craydon is. Say A. All right, the answer B. Ye Fustularian. I'll tickle your catastrophe. He's pitching a no-hitter so far. God damn.

Starting point is 01:13:58 Yeah, this guy's got it, man. Well done. All right. I thought it was going to do really well. Yeah, so did I. Man, we got some extra rounds here, but they're all pretty good. Yeah, let's continue. The following is not a real Shakespearean insult.

Starting point is 01:14:08 A, ye rampallion. B, you bull's pizzle. C, thou lactating. Bull's to the pizzle. Shakes to the pierzle. For shizzle, my dude, I'm a bard and shit. Good riff. Yeah, man. See, Tom, this is what happens when you get out of the way. It'm a bard and shit. Good riff. Yeah, man.

Starting point is 01:14:28 See, Tom, this is what happens when you get out of the way. It's a gold like that. Way to take the ball, run with it, trip and fall off a cliff. Way to take the ball, retire and cut off my girlfriend's head with that one. C, thou lactating mother hen. Or D, you three inch fool. Damn, three

Starting point is 01:14:44 inch fool. Damn. Don't talk about my man Vern like that. I was three-inch fool. Damn. Don't talk about my man Vern like that. I was about to do a Gary Coleman reference. Can I hear A and C? Sorry. Ye rampalian and thou lactating mother hen. Can I hear B and D? You bull's pizzle, you three-inch fool.

Starting point is 01:14:58 I think three-inch fool. Oh, those aren't the ones. I'm just describing you. Ah, tight. What's up? I think three-inch fool is real. I'm just describing you. Ah, tight. What's up? I think three inch full is real. I'm going to say A. The fake one, C, lactating mother hen.

Starting point is 01:15:10 Son of a bitch. Man, you guys are getting fucking struck out. I want to read more. Well created. But also, none of these are making me want to read. Why would you read? Just read the Sparks notes. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:15:20 And get the references. And read. The good quotes are good, but you don't want to read the whole fucking thing. It's not interesting. I mean it probably is it definitely is not okay? There's no there's no emotional clouds in the key. Yeah, you're right you sold me Shakespeare blow All about Ibsen man Ibsen is the shit Cannot listen to you do this again. I don't care They don't know. I didn't care the first time. I'm talking to the listeners.

Starting point is 01:15:48 No, they probably care. Yeah, listen to some of them. Well, not listen. Read some Ibsen, man. If you want to read some good plays, it's not in the mic. You know, like the one where Picard wins the fight with the guys because he quotes a space contract, and it's really funny. Yeah, who knows the ins and outs of well-crafted theater than the people who created the fudge lore?

Starting point is 01:16:06 Yeah, man. We're basically like the calendar section of the LA Times. This week. The problem with Shakespeare is you have to... If you go to this intersection, you can see two homeless women fight over Fritos. Spoiler alert, nobody wins.

Starting point is 01:16:19 Okay, so which of the following is not a real Shakespearean insult? A, thou art a sly-tongued dick fiend. B, his wits as thick as Twekisbury mustard. C, I have done thy mother. Or D, you elf skin. Dude, I straight up am a sly-tongued dick fiend. Yeah, dude. Is this all real or all fake?

Starting point is 01:16:38 No, one of these is fake. Fuck. Sly-tongued dick fiend. I think it's either dick fiend because dick seems funny. But they also reference pig as dick. Oh, really? Yes. That means you might just be like a fat fuck.

Starting point is 01:16:54 Yeah. I mean, you're also a sly-tongued dick fiend. Yeah, I'm a sly-tongued pig fiend. What up? Yeah, yeah. Chubbies. You just love bacon and misleading people. I don't mislead nobody.

Starting point is 01:17:03 Yeah, your two favorite things are pork and deceit. That insult is pretty much you lying pig. Yeah. Okay, that's not me. Yeah, you recline. I'm a reclining pig. You lounge. I'm a loafing pig.

Starting point is 01:17:18 Yeah, you clove and hoof to lay about. You cholesterol-y roustabout. You slothful pork draper. to lay about. Your cholesterol you roused about. You slothful pork draper. Sly-tongued dick fiend. His wits as thick as Twekesbury mustard. I have done thy mother

Starting point is 01:17:34 and you elf skin. I have done thy mother is my guess. I think it's elf skin. All right, the fake one. Sly-tongued dick fiend. God damn it! Man.

Starting point is 01:17:44 Well, Tom translated it, so I thought it had to be real. I can translate all of them. Really? Because you haven't gotten one right? Yeah, that doesn't mean they're all real. I can just translate them. Fuck you, Professor Poetry.

Starting point is 01:17:55 People translate... Professor Poetry. That's Tom. No, you see, Clash. People translate Klingon and make it real. Stanza is a guy... Shut up!

Starting point is 01:18:04 Oh, I'm sorry. I'm running. It's a guy that used to be in Chips. What? They have Rose. I think I saw they have on the Duolingo app, they have Klingon for people that are trying to actively make themselves less employable. Why would you do that?

Starting point is 01:18:18 I like Star Trek. I don't even want to learn. I don't want to even learn a Klingon phrase. No. You know? All right. All real or all fake isn't like eat beef and prospers or shit yes eat beef and prosper eat at risk beef and

Starting point is 01:18:33 heavily subsidized by the american farming industry it's the old food to a food pyramid eat beef and prosper all real or all fake a you sccker. B, her rotundity is abominable. C, ye piggish witches. Or D, thou lifeless mushroom. My mushroom brings all the boys to the yard and they're like, that's unpleasant. And I'm like, it's here. And they're like, fine. My name is Keith.

Starting point is 01:19:00 I fucked this one. I'm in the yard. This is the bard. Oh, God. I can't get hard. I'm in the yard. This is the bard. Oh, God. I can't get hard. On account of the mushroom. Man, fucking a mushroom. Is that like the Shakespearean version of a butterface?

Starting point is 01:19:14 It's like, indeed, she be good, but that rump be mush. A mushroom is like one of these people where it's like they have an ass if they pour it all into like an ass-shaped pair of jeans. Oh, yeah. You take it off and then then it's just everywhere. God, you want to talk about pork and deceit. Yeah, every once in a while you'll see a butt where you're like, that's just too viscous. Yeah, that's just a well-sculpted tube of biscuit dough, but I know the structural integrity is unacceptable.

Starting point is 01:19:38 Yeah, Keith the butt inspector. This is unacceptable. I've got to write you up for some code violations. I've got to write a citation about that booty. I got to get a measuring tape and see how far that mole is from the hole. In the bottom of that B. B means butt. Yeah, so all real or all fake, guys?

Starting point is 01:19:57 All right, yeah, all real. I think all fake. They're all fake. Son of a fucking cunt shit. Keith struck out dick yeah fucking pork satchel or whatever we're doing yeah you completely you completely killed him dude so congratulations to dietrich zormond the evil genius behind this you fucking cheese dicked mcgillicuddy or whatever how does it feel to not get one right i don don't know. I'll ask you when you're bad at stuff, usually.

Starting point is 01:20:26 I don't know. Here's the thing. I don't have the energy to put the sentence together. You get the tone of what I'm going for. Yeah, yeah. You're thankful. You are bad. Fuck you.

Starting point is 01:20:36 The Mean Boys podcast will be right back. Oh, the Mean Boys podcast is brought to you by Don Carlos Taco Shop in La Jolla, California. Whoa. Somehow. Yeah, guys. You know, because, I mean, if you weren't, if you were on the fence about going to Don Carlos for the first 118 adverts, maybe 119,

Starting point is 01:20:56 we bring up something like, whoa, I didn't know they had a website where I could look at their menu. Wait, you mean eataborito.com? Yeah, yeah. Menu availability? They have, oh my goodness, Mojitas? What?

Starting point is 01:21:07 What? I don't even know if they have those. They probably do. Horchata? Yeah. I definitely have that because I just got it recently. Yeah, they have the burritos

Starting point is 01:21:13 where they put the fries in the burritos and they're curly fries that make them crispy and it tastes fucking dope. Yeah, yeah, so. Wait, is curly fries? Crinkle. Yeah, they don't do that.

Starting point is 01:21:23 It's crinkle fries. You could have said any fact about a burrito. You found. Yeah, they don't do that. It's crinkle fries. You could have said any fact about a burrito. You found the one thing they don't do. It's crinkle cut fries. Crinkle is, yeah, that's what I meant. It's a Cali-style burrito with the fries in there. There really is not a better one in the world. If you're in the San Diego area, go check them out.

Starting point is 01:21:37 The Red Cross is straight from the La Jolla Comedy Store. Go to eataburrito.com. Find out everything they got on the menu and tell them the Mean Boys sent you. Yeah. Yeah. Crinkle cut. Quong. Oh, and the Mean Boys sent you. Yeah. Yeah. Crinkle kit. Quong. Oh, and the Mean Boys podcast is back.

Starting point is 01:21:48 To dip into the Mean Boys mailbag, to read your questions, your comments, listen to your voicemails. We should announce that we have reached the soup goal. The soup is happening. Yes. Yeah. So whatever city by this Friday at midnight sells the most tickets, that'll be where we're doing a live podcast.

Starting point is 01:22:03 That's where I'll eat the soup. Yeah, yeah. We posted about it on Twitter right before we started recording this. So some of you guys have already seen it. But yeah, whoever's got the most tickets sold by Friday at midnight, Connor's eating the soup in your town. Yeah. So if you want to do it, Chicago and Pittsburgh are both looking mighty fine right now.

Starting point is 01:22:18 Yeah, they're both putting in the work. Yeah, New York, step up. Oh, sorry. Yeah. It was on the table, step up. Oh, sorry. Yeah. It was on the table, but yeah. Oh, okay. Yeah. If you have any electronics near the other electronics,

Starting point is 01:22:30 it sounds like aliens are hacking. Yeah, it sounds like somebody is playing an Atari in the background of the podcast. But yeah, and thank you guys so fucking much for jumping on board with the soup challenge. It was a goofy thing that we thought, like, okay, maybe we tease it for a year. We'll get to 250. Yeah, it happened like a month and a half. Yeah, it was fucking bananas, and we thought, like, okay, maybe we tease it for a year. We'll get to 250.

Starting point is 01:22:45 Yeah, it happened like a month and a half. Yeah, it was fucking bananas. And we are already hard at work planning what the next iTunes challenge will be. I think it should be have Keith's mom on the show at 400. You know what? I'll fucking lock that in right now. All right. All right, guys.

Starting point is 01:22:58 400 iTunes reviews. 400 iTunes reviews will bring my mom on the show. We'll drive to Fresno and do a podcast. We'll go to a Denny's to do it, of course. Oh, yeah. Oh, no. We're doing it live. Yeah, yeah.

Starting point is 01:23:07 We're doing it inside the actor's studio where I just grill my mom. That would be awesome. Yeah. We'll figure it out. But that'll be our 400 thing. We'll figure out

Starting point is 01:23:14 the details on that later. But yeah, thank you guys. Go buy your tickets now. Help bring the soup to your town. All right, guys. Let's get into this mailbag. What do we got?

Starting point is 01:23:21 Josh Workthought writes, when do we choose a podcast to go to war with? I don't really want to go to war with a podcast anymore. Yeah, you know what's funny is we've always kind of discussed the idea of flying the black flag and starting a fight with another podcast. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:23:32 It's always kind of lame. Our fans are aggressively cooler. They're very nice. You know? Yeah. You guys are kind of like reading the Reddit. I'm like, oh, you guys are just like dweebs. Yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly.

Starting point is 01:23:41 You guys are nice dweebs. Yeah, exactly. So, I mean, I don't know. Go to war with mediocrity. Just don't listen to anything that sucks and listen to us instead. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. You guys are nice dweebs. Yeah, exactly. I don't know. Go to war with mediocrity. Just don't listen to anything that sucks and listen to us instead. Yeah, I disagree. Wow, Keith. Keith would be a great... If they had fat politicians, you could be...

Starting point is 01:23:53 Yeah, there's no fat politicians. They don't do as well as they used to. You're right. If you could have been around... Ask our smelt president. That's a good point. Or 220 Trump. I disagree. I think we should go to Yeah. 220 Trump. I got a. Yeah, I disagree.

Starting point is 01:24:07 I think we should go to war. And I'm going to say Marin. I like Marin, but I like war more. I think we're not quite relevant enough for it to make sense. That's why it would be great. I don't know. These fucking people are just he's too big, though. There's no way Mark Marin is reading his at mentions like. Yeah, I think.

Starting point is 01:24:24 Well, I don't think he does anymore because I think he was going crazy just fighting with trolls. Which I would imagine fair. Oh, yeah. No, I'm sure. Yeah, this is not an indictment of Mark Maron. Fine. Pete Holmes. We'll go to war with Pete Holmes.

Starting point is 01:24:35 I'll fuck with that. Let's go to war on the biggest podcast we could conceivably get on. That's a great strategy. Yeah, what's the nearest bridge? Because I brought my flaming stuffed animals. Come here, boys. I don't know. I could general that one. Everybody tweet at

Starting point is 01:24:51 Pete Holmes that he is a cream-faced loon. Do not tag us. Just tell him that. You know what would be great is we find podcasts that are way beneath us and just destroy them. But then we're giving them a platform. And what if they accidentally end up stealing our fans? Oh, yeah, no problem.

Starting point is 01:25:08 Remember how we get all these iTunes comments and are like, I used to listen to Unpops, but now Unpops is gay and I love Meat Boys. I don't want to be that. I don't want to be Unpops. Yeah, that's true. Nothing worse than being This Is Rad. If you guys had to start up a porn studio,

Starting point is 01:25:22 what content would you specialize in? What kind of porn do I like that there's not enough of? I don't like any weird, super specific porn. I would want to make kind of cool, fun, sort of... I would want to make funny porn that was actually funny and not just a parody of something. Yeah. Get some real down-to-fuck improv class kids and just make a funny sitcom where people fuck halfway through it. Okay, that'd be fun. Yeah, just a real erotic entertainment.

Starting point is 01:25:50 I think that'd be a fun thing to do. I mean, I'm thinking about it, and the answer is probably on it. Oh, man, Tom, I'm smelling that shit you took. You dropped a growler, and you're getting me back for Nice Boys. This is not revenge. Dude, the Nice Boys part. This doesn't even hint at revenge the nice boys part was fucking apocalyptic don't even bring up my stench compared to yours it was like

Starting point is 01:26:11 we are not recording in the bathroom good sir it was it was like you had a crock pot full of dead bodies and like nine volt batteries that fucking fart and then then you just like like released it through my asshole it was pretty tough yeah it was, it was pretty rough stuff. I used to think that farts smelled because you were blowing shit crumbs out of your ass, and they were filling up the air. It was funny. I didn't know that wasn't the case until right now. No, it's because the gas is stinky. Oh, that makes sense.

Starting point is 01:26:37 You thought it was just your blowing shit particles? Well, I assumed that was part. I assumed, like, you would have a stinkier fart because you had more poop in your butthole. So it just soaked up the poop air? Yeah, that's why when you got a poop, your fart smelled worse. Like when you make a lemon water? Yeah. Oh, yeah, sorry.

Starting point is 01:26:52 We did a whole round on Shakespeare and now we're talking about farts. Let's talk about crab fighting or something. With farts, there's more to discuss. The things Tom gets uppity about are so strange to me. What kind of porn would you make, Tom? I'm'm thinking about in my answers i would probably just make like star trek porn or something you know i think would be pretty fun if i made like very dramatic like like like really put the the work into the writing like dramas and then just threw in long fuck scenes in the middle of you know it's it's kind been done, but not to the degree that I would...

Starting point is 01:27:26 Okay, because what you're describing is Showtime or Cinemax. I've never seen either of those. You don't know what Cinemax is? Yeah, it's like the... I've heard of it. I thought it was porn. Oh no, I wanted hardcore. I was watching a porn the other day

Starting point is 01:27:41 and it was so well done, I didn't even realize it was softcore porn until I'd already jerked off. And then I looked at the title, and it said softcore, and I was like, I guess I didn't see a dick in that whole porn. Well done. Movie magic. Yeah, yeah. The team from ILM was in there digitally removing the dick. It's like when you have a vegan cupcake, and then afterwards you're like, wow, that tasted great.

Starting point is 01:28:01 You're a little mad, but mostly just like, wow, you got me. I'm impressed, yeah. I want to make the first porn with really good CGI going on. Like some elves get involved, and they've got to fight them off to continue fucking. Pacific Rim Jam. Yeah, there we go. Yeah, Brazzers did a League of Legends thing the other day, and it just looked stupid. But it was very well done. They had pretty good graphics with it.

Starting point is 01:28:22 Right. I was like, what is this enhancing for anybody? Yeah's who wasn't enjoying porn or video games enough yeah and it's like you can just play league of legends and then jerk off like they don't you need don't cross contaminate that you're gonna like cross wires in your brain right to the point where you can only come when you win a match or something or i'd start like a porn reality tv show oh we've talked about the jizz olympics where we actually see who has the best jets. I want to do that for real. No, but a survivor version.

Starting point is 01:28:49 I've got to fucking get one of these industry people to get me a meeting with Pornhub to create some comedy content for them. Because I think they would like that. If we did the Jizz Olympics for Pornhub. I think they would, yeah, or whatever. The Holympics, we'd have to call it probably. I guess, yeah. I found a porn website that I think only did a couple scenes or something. Because I was just Googling a porn star that I like to jerk off to.

Starting point is 01:29:10 And it's called Blowjob Races. Where it's literally you just see how fast... Blowjob Races, shoot that load. Do da, do da. Blowjob Races, it's in my eye and my mom is very sad. Yeah, and it was just like, how fast can you make the guy come? And I was like, that's kind of fun. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:29:25 You know? And they have her call her shot. She's like, I think I can make you come in three minutes. I play that with myself every day. When you blow yourself? I just cum raise, baby. Tom, you're trying to blow yourself. You fucking cause nuclear fission in your guts.

Starting point is 01:29:39 I somersault. He just shoots an arc over his head like he's at the Bellagio fountain. Yeah, you know those unbendable girders from Futurama? That's what your spine is made of. I can't picture a person less flexible. Tom, if you blow yourself, I'm willing to put up like a SpaceX $100 prize. If you can get your dick into your own mouth, I will give you $100. Time to start doing yoga.

Starting point is 01:30:00 Yeah, you can start training for it like Rocky. Tom, what is the cow carcass for? It's here to weight down my legs. That's how Tom dies? Tom, get off the steps. This is public land. No, I need a good angle. It's about geometry and wanting it.

Starting point is 01:30:17 What kind of glue is best for huffing? Cocaine? Ashley Nester writes, is that a picture of Michael Bane or Boone? Oh, no. It's a picture. I put the picture of you with your fucking shirt up over your nose during the fart when you just looked like an insane person.

Starting point is 01:30:31 You look like you're in a World Star hip-hop video shot at a mental hospital. You're like, okay, let's all be very positive now. Everything's great. I'm on drugs and it's full of poison. And your eyes are wide open in anger, but the fart is getting in your eyes, so it's all bloodshot and shit because you got stink eye.

Starting point is 01:30:49 All right. What dietary requirements are there to produce such a noxious anal carpet bomb? You know, I didn't eat anything weird that day. I just ate my normal shit. My normal like... Which is what? Just shit. He ate a bunch of shit and then he farted out the shit.

Starting point is 01:31:02 I made like a refried bean fart. You know, I like farted out the shit i made like a refried uh bean fart you know i i like double brewed the shit uh no i think i just ate like uh you know just like quesadillas and peanut peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and the shit i usually eat and the same old like 10 year old diet i always have uh do you guys have any musical background i'd love to hear the pre-mean boys shitty garage bands i played some of connor's uh we played some of my's old school music on the early episodes. We played some of my comedy songs. That is the only, before I was on the podcast, I think that is the only thing I skipped. Oh, yeah? No, it was pretty boring.

Starting point is 01:31:31 You didn't want to hear the Kessel Run fucking song? When we got to the second song, I was like, I can't, I can't, I can't. I feel that. I was just hoping it would be embarrassing enough to be funny. It was. But it was a little bit. What we should have done is had it so we could comment on the song as it was playing but it was just kind of you just dropped the song in it was so long yeah we're just like well it happened all right yeah i mean i have a bunch of music i played all

Starting point is 01:31:52 like the i have some more raps and shit kind of a really good musician oh thanks yeah like i have yeah weren't you like dj thug bones or something uh thug funnyones. Yeah, man. You know me. Thug Bones. Thug Bones. Yeah. I could gank... Osteo... Whatever. Chiropractor that ass. Osteo per... P.O. Oh, yeah.

Starting point is 01:32:14 Osteo parole officer. I just think rappers are the Kool-Aid man. Hi, I'm your aunt from Omaha. You know, the rapper comes in, he bursts through the wall with the Kool-Aid. Like, no, no, no. Oh, Lord, every part of this is a problem. Yeah. I always wanted to start a band.

Starting point is 01:32:30 That's like the one thing I still kind of am thinking about doing it. Yeah. I mean, my music, it's not funny. It's just kind of beautiful and moving because of how powerful it's composed. What's it about Sasquatch? Yeah, it's a Sasquatch song. Of all the ways you could have pronounced Sasquatch, that was by far the best. Sasquatch?

Starting point is 01:32:49 You know, I realized Tom joining Mean Boys is kind of... How is Sasquatch not a mascot for a barbecue sauce? Oh, shit. We got to write that sketch. Damn. The Sasquatch. Damn. Yeah, come on down to the Squatchies.

Starting point is 01:32:58 Sauce, it's a thing. Anyway. Maybe we don't need to write that sketch. Tom is like the Henry Rollins of Mean Boys, where he was just like a fan. He just liked the show, and then now he is like the Henry Rollins of Mean Boys, where he was just like a fan. He just liked the show, and then now he's like the singer in the band. Yeah. That'd be like if Henry Rollins was like, yeah, I got to be honest.

Starting point is 01:33:11 I really thought the Nervous Breakdown EP sucked. I totally skipped over Fix Me every time. Yeah, look, I'm going to be honest. I thought you guys were minor threat, and by the time I said yes, I had already committed. Which is harder on you guys. Snark Week are a couple episodes of Nice Boys. By the way, I used to play piano, but not anymore. Nice Boys really healed my soul. Nice Boys was fun. We're going to talk about

Starting point is 01:33:29 on the bonus episode, we got to talk about the Nice Boys process. Yeah, we could totally do that. In college, I thought about the Hyperbolic Time Chamber and Dragon Ball Z a lot. That's where you go in for a day and it's a whole year in the chamber, but you come out, it's only a day in the world. I'd fantasize about using it to study for finals when I didn't feel prepared. If you guys could use it for anything,

Starting point is 01:33:45 what would it be? I would come out with a really shitty beard just to see what I'd look like with a beard. And then I'd be like, oh God, I'm 26. Why did I do that?

Starting point is 01:33:53 What a waste of a year. And I was like, oh dude, I really thought this. I thought I was going to blow everyone's mind when I came back with a beard. I thought it'd be so funny.

Starting point is 01:34:00 I spent a whole year just depressed and just writing poetry in the room. Why wouldn't you just do something useful? No, I'm just going to sit there focusing really hard on trying to grow a beard. I just eat all like avocado. I go in there with like a thing I need to write that I've been like waiting to write forever and just be like, I'm not coming out until it's done.

Starting point is 01:34:17 Oh, yeah. I don't know what I would do. I'd use it to quit smoking. Oh, that's a good one. Maybe I go in there and like, I don't really want to be out of the world, you know? Just to make sure I understand what this is, is you go in and it's, explain this again. Oh, I thought you were describing gum. It's a chamber where a year inside the chamber is a day in the real world.

Starting point is 01:34:47 What can you do in the chamber? Right, so you train. You use it like, oh, the bad guy's coming tomorrow. I'm going to go train for a whole year in one day. Right, so in a year, if you're secluded from cigarettes, you burn the addiction. Okay, okay. I had it. I didn't understand it.

Starting point is 01:35:02 I just was confused. I was confused when you guys were confused. Like, oh, shit. I must have really misunderstood this. You can also leave the chamber whenever you want. I might go in there for an hour. For a mustache. I might just go for like 30 days.

Starting point is 01:35:14 You know, have a mustache. 30 days of beard. Maybe write some new jokes. I was like, I'm going to write a whole new set before we go on tour. And now I'm like, I'm going to write a whole new riff before we go on tour. All right. I think that's most of them. If you guys had to live with one body part removed, what would you pick?

Starting point is 01:35:30 Eyepatch, 100%. I'm losing an eye. Fuck depth perception. I don't have to drive. Tell you what, Tom, I'm going to save you some time. We're all getting an eyepatch. Dude, fucking patch boys. We should do one of the live shows in eyepatches. Why? Fun? I don't know. Oh, Pittsburgh. They like pirates in Pittsburgh. Did you think I was going to have some hell yeah we should do one of the live shows in eyepatches why fun yeah oh pittsburgh they

Starting point is 01:35:46 like pirates in pittsburgh did you think i was gonna have some fucking like thought out reason no it would be a fun goof yeah well we're doing it now you're gonna buy an eyepatch at a walmart dude i i had a sty i think tom met me did you meet me when i had the i think i saw you with the patch as well yeah because i i had a a fucking horrible sty from getting cardboard in my eye at Old Navy. And then I just fucking, I was going around the mics with like an eye patch on because it was so gross. And it was like right around Halloween. So everyone thought I was just like. Doing a fun costume.

Starting point is 01:36:14 Yeah, so I went and did the Yoohoo mic at Flappers like five years ago. And then Pedro Salinas was like, hey, man, fun costume. And I was like, no, it's good. Look, it's gross. I'm ill. Yeah, I'm not like dressing up. God, if you're wearing an eye patch, I want you you in a fucking full-on James Joyce-ass suit. I want you just dressed up like a dandy.

Starting point is 01:36:29 Oh, yeah. And then I pulled up and like, eh. My eye looked like a black pussy. There's a picture of me. I'll tweet it out at some point. But yeah, I looked like I had a stroke. It was just swollen shut and droopy. Yeah, it was pretty cool.

Starting point is 01:36:45 If you guys are doing an eyepatch for no reason, I'm going to do two eye patches for no reason. I mean, hilarious, but only if you commit to it from the second the show starts to the third. Ah, yes, the retarded sunglasses. The double eye patch. If you guys do eye patch, I will do double eye patch. We're doing eye patches. Okay, you can just have a blindfold. We're doing eye patches.

Starting point is 01:37:02 No, that's not fun. What the fuck are you talking about? It's going to be double eye patches. No, I'm kidding. Yeah, we're doing eye patches. Okay, you can just have a blindfold. We're doing eye patches. No, that's not fun. What the fuck are you talking about? It's got to be double-edged. No, I'm kidding. Yeah, we're doing eye patches in Pittsburgh. All right, so here's some voicemails. Hey, Mean Boys, this is your buddy, Fuck. Great.

Starting point is 01:37:17 All right, yeah. That was the whole thing? So, yeah, he fucked up that one, and he left a voicemail here. Okay. Hey, Mean Boys, it's your man, Pat, from Philly. You were asking for cheesesteak recommendations. Hell yeah, we were. For Keith's...

Starting point is 01:37:30 Oh, God. ...thoroughly and advisable plan that I endorse wholeheartedly. I like this guy. I say fucking go for it. My personal favorite is D'Alessandro's up in Roxborough. That might be a little bit out of your way.

Starting point is 01:37:45 I don't know where you guys are going to be in the city. Yeah, neither are they. Yeah. Fucking Jim's down on South Street is also real good. Steve's Princess Steaks up in the Northeast. This is great radio. Top quality. This is the best of places with cheese steaks.

Starting point is 01:38:02 John's Rose Pork. Cheese Steak Gumbo. Cheese steak gumbo. Cheese steak cocktail. This is the fattest. That shit's tourist trash. Don't fuck with it. That's what I've been told. Anytime.

Starting point is 01:38:15 There you go. Looking forward to seeing you guys on the 19th. Hell yeah. Fuck everything. God is dead. So which of those are the best to loiter at? Because we don't know where we're going to be. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:38:24 We've got to hang out for eight hours before we can check into our hotel. I was looking at the timeline, and I think we're getting to Philadelphia at one or two in the afternoon. Because I have to eat three cheesesteaks in the course of eight hours. I think you should eat all three on stage. I can't do that. I have to do comedy. You have to eat the final cheesesteak. That is the comedy.

Starting point is 01:38:44 You got it. You know how they have a sign language Person on stage sometimes One of the comics is up doing a set You sit on stage and eat a cheesesteak silently Oh god you know what Maybe I'll host the show And I'll just eat a cheesesteak

Starting point is 01:38:55 Between every comic Yeah that'd be funny That might be funny for that one Dude I'm telling you The cheesesteak challenge is gonna be a hit Oh the cheese gauntlet is happening Oh and we gotta take a picture of your shit And put it on the the Reddit with a spoiler tag

Starting point is 01:39:05 so people don't actually open it at work. We've got to take a picture of the three cheese stick dump. The fucking Krakatoa that's going to come out of your ass. I can't even shit until I eat all three cheese sticks. You've got to hold it in, dude. I'm going to fucking die. No, you're not. I will die. No, you just smoke some

Starting point is 01:39:22 extra cigarettes to help the digestion. That's like 12 pounds of beef. I know. Yeah, and it's been recalled. That is some at-risk beef, my dude. Dude, the cheesesteak. Tweet Keith. Hashtag cheesesteak challenge.

Starting point is 01:39:35 By the way, I'm going to... This is depending on whether or not my camera works, but I might be vlogging our extravaganza. I want to point out that what Tom is actually saying is it depends if I can figure out how to charge a camera. I just haven't turned it on in a while and I don't know. Well, you'll have to charge it at some point. We're going to get a cord.

Starting point is 01:39:54 Yeah. Stop acting like there's any other option but doing that. You treat every piece of technology like you discovered an artifact buried in an ancient Egypt. Was this used to straighten out arrow shafts or was do these runes mean? It's a play button. Tom, this is from 2014.

Starting point is 01:40:11 Look up a YouTube video of a Korean teenager telling you how to use it. You could have bootlegged the second Avengers movie on this camera. Yeah, dude, it's not that hard. Here's the problem. What I have problems with technology is I'll Google in what my problem is, and usually it's a problem that no one else is having.

Starting point is 01:40:31 So there's no way to explain your problems. No, this has been a problem. Like, I remember one time in my life. Yeah, my spy helmet won't go right. They had, like, a job learning class or something when I was in high school. That's not what it's called. A job learning, yeah. You know, in 12th grade, you got a job learning class or something when I was in high school. That's not what it's called. A job learning, yeah. You know, everybody knows.

Starting point is 01:40:47 You know, in 12th grade, you got a job learning class. And freshman year. It is job learning. It's not his real title, but I don't know. And you get the cash register, and you know how much a big board costs. And we had to do something on Microsoft Word. And I fucked up so bad bad I brought the teacher over. She had never seen this part of Microsoft Word.

Starting point is 01:41:10 I don't understand. You typed a full game of Minesweeper? And then they had to call an IT guy to fix it and reset Microsoft Word because neither of us had any idea. This is just a spreadsheet of names of people I don't like. What does Barbara Streisand's plural mean? All right, we got one more quick one. Hey, Mean Boys. Bob Logan from Oliver's, California.

Starting point is 01:41:39 I was Keith's guest at the Gateway Show in Sacramento. I rode my Harley down from Oliverst to Sacramento to hang out. And that's it. We got one more voicemail earlier today. It looks pretty good. I was going to save it for the next episode. Oh, we can save it. Let's just let her ride.

Starting point is 01:41:57 All right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hey, Mean Boys. I've been selling crack for a couple of years now. And I have this new customer. She buys all my crack from me, which is nice, but it just seems like maybe a little unethical for me to be giving this much crack cocaine to one human being. I didn't know your mom moved.

Starting point is 01:42:16 If you guys let Keith's mom know she should take it down a notch, that'd be awesome. Son of a bitch! That's what it was? I guess, yeah. I thought we were going to talk to a fun crack dealer. It was just my mom. He might actually be a crack dealer. No, he's...

Starting point is 01:42:29 Listen, hello. My name is fucking Martin Dumbledore, and I am selling crack cocaine. My name is Gerald the Drug Dealer. My name is Shitfuckler. I thought it was a good voicemail. Shitfuckler's a good guy. He was an early adopter.

Starting point is 01:42:45 That's it. Yeah, dude. Well, I mean, nobody will ever top the drug bounty brought by Orion at the Long Beach show. Oh, Christ. He had a Fallout New Vegas flask that he was drinking out of, a bunch of vague pills, some weed, and some coke. And he was just like, yeah, I'm...

Starting point is 01:43:01 Like, he got, like, the... And then he, like, talks about fucking a paraplegic or something. He also brought... Didn't he bring his parents to that show? I think he did, yeah. Well, he had like the Denny's appetizer sampler of drugs. He's like, I got some mozzarella sticks, some onion rings, some French fries. Yeah, mix and match and OD. I got some jalapeno poppers.

Starting point is 01:43:18 Regular poppers, jalapeno poppers. Dude, they should make poppers, like gay poppers, called jalapeno poppers. I'm sure they have. I don't think they're legally allowed to call them poppers though jalapeno yeah or maybe like yeah jalapeno vcr head cleaner doesn't really have the same uh ring to it dude a lot of the dude i well you can spell i was in west hollywood they're so behind on technology everyone's using vcr cleaner yeah you got to keep those tapes clean. Dude, my VCR, my vagina, cock, receptacle. Nailed it.

Starting point is 01:43:48 Yeah, I did it, dude. On the fly. That's what that was. If you want to see that kind of broadcasting professionalism, come see us on the road. Yeah. We are on the road. It's going to be great. This is the last episode we record before we all leave.

Starting point is 01:43:59 Yeah, we're the last California Mean Boys for a whole month. Yeah, and so let's go a little more detailed on where these shows are if people want to come. Oh, before, let me just tease this. Week of April 23rd, we'll have a big announcement. Are we allowed to officially say that? We can't say what it is, but I can say on April 23rd, there will be a big announcement. And I promise you, this is not some nice boys fuckery. This is a real, real cool thing.

Starting point is 01:44:22 Yeah, it's very exciting. So get excited. Go follow us on the shit. Help us out. Leave a review, real cool thing. Yeah, it's very exciting. So get excited. Go follow us on the shit. Help us out. Leave a review if you haven't. Make us look legit before we get a bunch of thick pieces wrote about us. Think pieces are coming. I called it, and I'm telling you.

Starting point is 01:44:37 I can hear them knocking on the door, baby. They are. Yeah, we've already had rumblings of this. Yeah, there's been a few. Yeah, they've already had rumblings of this. Yeah, there's been a few. Yeah, they're coming. So enjoy the show before we all get extradited from the podcast embassy in Cuba. Exactly. Well, it's going to be a fun, very short run. Yeah, so come see us.

Starting point is 01:44:54 This is out on Thursday. Friday will be the Milwaukee show. Yeah, we'll be in Milwaukee on Friday. Saturday at the North Bar. That's a live podcast. Tickets for that are selling real well. That's going to be a fucking crazy fun show. So come out to that.

Starting point is 01:45:04 Yeah, it's going to be 10 o'clock. Get your tickets now. Yeah, and after that we're going to fucking Fort Wayne, Kent, Ohio. Show in Kent. It's a free show.

Starting point is 01:45:12 That's all we can figure out. We had so much fucking dickery with all the Chicago venues. Not the Cleveland venues. So go check out that. We're going to Philly, Pittsburgh, D.C., New York motherfucking city.

Starting point is 01:45:21 Those tickets are all up right now at MeanBoysPodcast.com. I am so pumped to go out there and hang out with you guys We're going to be going to diners afterwards We're going to be interviewing people for bonus content We're going to be getting arrested Oh yeah this is going to be insane

Starting point is 01:45:33 Also don't forget to bring your fucking shirts you guys We want to spray paint whatever you got Oh yeah we're spray painting your shirts I'm making a new stencil at my mom's house She's got the good X-Acto knife That's the best sentence ever So we can't wait to see you Yeah let's fucking party you guys

Starting point is 01:45:47 Excited to meet you guys Fuck everything God is dead Shit

Mean Boys - EP 120 - Titty Aquarium

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