Mean Boys - EP 122 - Armchair Nazi (Live in Detroit)

Episode Date: April 17, 2018

We're on tour, come see us! meanboyspodcast.com Support the show on Patreon: www.patreon.com/meanboys This week’s segments include “Mexican Joke Off”, "Price Check", "Whodunnit?", "The Dating Game", and "The Tom Goss Lightning Round". Fuck with the new Mean Boys subreddit: www.reddit.com/r/meanboys/ Subscribe to our YouTube channel: www.youtube.com/channel/UC0hvkj7TOPzMdJbKIh1L_hw Shop Sudio headphones and use promo code "MEANBOYS" for 15% off all purchases: goo.gl/JWBAJK Contribute to the Mean Boys wiki: mean-boys.wikia.com/wiki/Mean_Boys_Wiki Send us an email at [e-mail] or leave us a voicemail at [phone] We are proudly sponsored by Don Carlo's Taco Shop in La Jolla California (www.eataburrito.com) Follow our guest Kyle Forsyth on Twitter: twitter.com/iamkyleforsyth Follow our guest Brett Hayden on Twitter: twitter.com/bretthayden1t Follow 313 Comedy on Twitter: twitter.com/313comedyshow Follow the show on Twitter: twitter.com/meanboyspodcast Follow Keith on Twitter: twitter.com/keithtellsjokes Follow Connor on Twitter: twitter.com/connormcspadden Follow Tom on Twitter: twitter.com/gossgoss6 Visit us on the web: www.meanboyspodcast.com Like us on Facebook: www.facebook.com/meanboyspodcast Follow us on Instagram: instagram.com/meanboyspodcast Follow us on Soundcloud: @meanboyspodcast Theme: I’ve Seen Footage by Death Grips (itunes.apple.com/us/album/the-mon…tore/id515449028) Buy Keith’s album (itunes.apple.com/us/album/forever-nap/id1105182043) Podcast logo by Luis Galvez: twitter.com/luiagal Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Well guys, it's the Mean Boys podcast, broadcasting live from some guy's bedroom in Kent, Ohio. Tom is currently in a state of, like, cake overdose. Cake coma. Okay, yeah, Tom has literally, his chest, he's basically got like a bowling ball for a torso, and he can't move, so I had to slide him guacamole across the floor so he could carbo-load for another day of moaning about his cake problem. Just shoveling it across the floor like a fancy Mexican dog. The other day, I described a dessert as having many shades of peanut butter, and that really kind of sums up how I've been eating on this tour. And I've gained all the weight back and more that i've lost for the past six months oh here's another thing is uh keith was like

uh is this your wallet tom and tom's like yeah he's like i saw the dunkin rewards card i should have known and he's like wait do they have a dunkin rewards card and then tom said one of the fatter things he's ever said, which is only at select locations. Which I want to believe means Tom has tried to go to several different Dunkin' Donuts to open accounts in fake names. Like he's getting like EBT benefits across state lines. Just like, yeah, I'm a welfare queen, but for free fucking donut duds. Duds, donut. I was trying to say donut holes, but I called him donut duds. Everybody's dying.

We had a bus ride that was very long. Just a long day of long, long, long. Partied real hard last night with Claire for Mean Boys at Claire's. That was fun. But the tour is going great. Tickets are still on sale for some of these shows. The night this comes out, we'll be in Pittsburgh. The night after that, Washington, D.C.

Then Philadelphia. And then New York City, baby. So go over to MeanBoysPodcast.com. comes out will be in pittsburgh the night after that washington dc then philadelphia and then new york city baby so uh go over to meanboyspodcast.com snap those up now if you haven't already they'll be more expensive at the door and leave us a review on itunes because we get to 400 reviews we're going to do a podcast with keith's mom uh i'm gonna have to learn a little bit about alchemy i gotta i gotta practice drawing chalk pentagrams on the floor. I don't know if I can still get the dead bodies of the dogs from the same guy on the dark web

as I did last time. You had to call her, but that's how you call your mom. You have to do a seance. 1-800-SEVERAL-DEAD-DOGS. But yeah, leave us a review on iTunes. It's very easy to do. It helps us out a lot. This guy. What happened?

You shit in this room. You farted and it burned my soul. Okay, I didn't realize that was a stinky one. Yeah, it's not good. Great. Will you stop doing that? No. So this guy, Jefferson Shive, writes,

this podcast is top drawer. Just like your mom's top drawer. It's chock-a-block with shit stains and dildos. And then he writes, maniac. And yeah, we've been meeting a lot of you listeners, and you guys are all straight-up drug addicts. I love that the recurring motif of our fans on this tour is you all work in some sort of vague factory. What did I say earlier yeah i told i uh i told so someone was saying they played out loud on the speakers when they're alone in the factory like that's really who we are is we have the

one cool guy in each factory across america we're doing the factory reject tour right now so uh yes thank you guys for coming out it's been great meeting you and uh so yeah dropping itunes we've got a very big announcement happening next week as we record the podcast the most illegitimate way we ever have yeah this place is a very tom uh but uh so yeah i look forward to that uh we'll have more announcements for that soon the patreon still rocking and rolling uh five bucks a month gives you weekly bonus content. We just dropped an episode where we interviewed two of our listeners in Indiana. A trans couple.

They both transed the opposite way, and it canceled each other out. That means technically they're just a straight couple in Indiana. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's just a dude and a lady who fuck, but they're just all mix and matched and goofable. Oh, it's very complicated. And don't worry they go into graphic detail about their horrifying

sex life and I say horrifying not because of the nature of the love but because of the the breadth of the butthole that is being stretched so yeah

you can check that out it's only five bucks a month helps us out a lot keep the lights on in our hearts and ten bucks a month you get a little goodie in the mail every single month

little button little sticker little magnet some shit like that it's cute it's fun cheap it helps us out it's cool you know you get the little package tom will write you a note sometimes yeah also uh please subscribe to the mean boys youtube page uh we have vlogs up we have all the episodes up there uh and we're gonna keep putting up cool content so go ahead give us give us a subscribe there yeah uh tom has been vlogging and tom is an amazing documentarian uh we didn't know you had this hidden talent but you've just been have had the gopro strapped to your head periodically and it's uh it's it's a very fun

look behind the scenes of this uh ramshackle operation so yeah go check those out uh yeah follow us on twitter like us on facebook follow us on Instagram. Fucking just click a couple buttons. Help out your boys. Get a little more mean in your life. Big shout-outs to all the comics we had on this show. We had Brett Hayden. We had... Brett Mercer.

Another guy. Kyle Forsythe. Kyle Forsythe. Sorry about that, guys. Very tired. They were great. There are links to social media

Brett Bradley Brad Bradley Brad Brederson Brad Shattleton yeah alright you can only pretty much hear if it's on this mic

oh is there someone else we gotta oh yeah fuck with the Mean Boys subreddit reddit.com slash r slash mean boys go talk about anime or whatever you fucking

people do guys share your factory working tips with each other. This is like a factory worker support group. All right, we got anything else, guys? I think we're ready to go. All right, enjoy this week's episode everybody, right now for the Mean Boys! Hey, everybody, welcome to the Mean Boys podcast.

We're performing in Detroit, which is just America's Syria. I'm Keith Carey. And I am... A bionic homeless person. Tom Goss vlogging the whole event. Yeah. He has that camera strapped in every building we walk into in the Midwest. People look at him like he's about to explode, but candy might come out

of him. Like a suicide pinata. Yeah, you guys got the RoboCop you deserve this evening. Man, it is good to not be in fucking Indiana anymore. Holy shit. You guys got trees and shit.

It's crazy. Trees and hope. we like trick France into taking Indiana back Do we really need it That place fucking sucks We went to a McDonald's that did not serve chicken After midnight Like they had some kind of retarded gremlin rules But they were servants to some sort of weird

Nugget related god Fucking rules The Uber driver who took us there looked like Nick Nolte Fucked a bag of trash but they were servants to some sort of weird nugget related god and yeah yeah fucking rules god yeah the uber driver who took us there looked like nick nolte fucked a bag of trash he keeps he spoke in trailer tongue like it was a bit of a trailer it was nonsense yeah at one point he stopped to get gas during the uber ride without ever asking us if that was okay yeah and just kept luring us with the vague promise of a Taco Bell down the way. Yeah.

And I'm like, this dude is going to steal our skin and do not great stuff with it. It's like an Uber driver stopping for gas. That's like a hooker

being like, can I just take a quick shower first? No. Can I check out your record collection? Yeah. It's bad when I'm going,

I don't know if I trust this guy. Like, it's sketchy as hell. Tom's fucking crazy nonsense Spidey sense went off. We had to get out of there. And Tom can barely use his original five senses, so that is saying something. Yeah, a couple are in question as

of now, but that's okay. Yeah. It's good to be here, man. Yeah, I'm very excited. Thank you guys so much for coming out and braving the blizzard and the weather. Give yourselves a round of applause. Yeah, fuck the wings! Yeah. Not to be too sincere or whatever, because I know that's not what you paid for, but we do appreciate it. Has anybody here never listened to the Mean Boys podcast before? The quiet hand raise is not the preferred mode of communication.

You guys are allowed to play the show. That's the guy who looks like he's listened to it the most. Sitting next to the guy who looks like our Uber driver in India. Yeah, I feel like you've had a conversation with a social worker like, you know the mean guys aren't real, right? Yeah, man, that guy in the hat looks like he's definitely followed a woman off a ski lift before. Just this snowboard trip got dark. You guys ski out here? Is that a thing in Detroit?

Yeah. Yeah? You guys got mountains? We were in Indiana. We didn't have mountains out there. Indiana barely has a street. The only thing that was ever in it that was worth anything was us, and that is not a high water mark.

Yeah, and they were not stoked on it. No, they hated us. Oh, no, yeah. Being the most famous people in Indiana was not really all it was cracked out to be. Who would have thought bringing your Satanist podcast to a city called the City of Churches wouldn't have panned out? That did not work out. Well, man, this is going to be fun.

We have a lot of crazy shit planned for tonight. Yeah, we do. We have a whole bucket of bullshit. But I think we're all fired up. What do you say we get into our opening segment? The Mexican Joke Off, ladies and gentlemen. All right. So, Todd. We get into our opening segment, the Mexican Joke Off, ladies and gentlemen. And here to keep us honest, we have a Mean Boys listener

and lady that's letting me sneak up her couch tonight, Claire Higginbottom. Please come to the stage, Claire. Make some noise for Dominatrix, everybody. Mistress Claire. Now, Claire, step up to the mic and tell us about your Dominatrix-ing experience because it's not very extensive. Minimal. And go ahead and show them how thick that paddle we're going to be getting hit with is.

We're going to be spanked with a decorative cheese board. It was actually a fraternity paddle that I got on Amazon for $11. That is like the Tom's neck of paddles. It's too thick and we're not using it for anything good. No, but we do like to have a dominatrix keep us honest with these jokes.

And when we don't know a woman and don't want to pay anybody in a city, we find a fan. And Claire bravely volunteered. If anything, I'm paying you because I'm spending my gas money, and you're living in my house. Yeah, this was a bad idea. I don't know why you did this, but thanks. And you bought a ticket. Yeah. And we're not giving you the $10 back.

Absolutely not. Yeah. Yeah, Trump really fucked us over when he closed down the personal section of Craigslist. I mean, he threw a monkey wrench into the whole planning of this tour. Yeah. But we're going to do this Spelling Bee style

and walk up to the microphone and awkwardly tell you guys some jokes about the headlines of the day. And you know what? I've been taking the heat so far, so I'll go ahead and take us away here. All right, guys. A new report shows that bathroom hand dryers suck up feces and spray it all over your hands. Keith, I didn't know your mom was a bathroom hand dryer.

Aw, you pulled the ripcord so early. I'm pissed because I had a joke on that too, and it's much better than mine. Yeah, don't worry. I'm sure we're going to hear a lot of jokes about my mom. Hey. Oh, no, I was talking about the hand dryer. You weren't raised by a hand dryer.

You go next. Do your hand dryer joke. It's not a... Oh, I'm going to get hit. Oh, hell yeah. You go next. Do your hand dryer joke. It's not a... I'm going to get hit. Oh, hell yeah. There's a lot of poop in the news this week. The thing Connor and I were talking about is a very big week for shit. Can someone take my mic up if you get a chance?

Yeah. All right. Where was... Okay. According to new studies, bathroom hand dryers are spraying fecal matter, meaning high fives are the new throwing shit. Yeah, I told you I was going to get hit. Oh, dear.

Oh, Tom, what did that even mean? Glad I opened with a... Where do you even hit me with that? Where do you think? Bend over right here. Bend over... Hey, Tom, make sure we get it at an angle where everyone can see it. Yeah!

The butt dipshit. You stocky goon. Oh, that sounds like it sucks Hey good news is We got an 8 hour greyhound to Kent, Ohio I'm glad that we chose this podcast To sit for the fucking joke off You fucking dildos

Oh yeah Waddle up there You fucking dumb bitch. The U.S. bombed a chemical weapons plant in Syria. The government wants to make it clear that they will not stand for a country poisoning their own citizens unless it's in Flint. Not today, bitch. New Yorker Keith strikes again. I'm seriously not sitting until this is over. We're not faking.

That fucking hurts. Dude, and you know how much Tom loves physical activity. All right, guys. White supremacist groups in Chattanooga, Tennessee are recruiting people by leaving notes in boxes of diapers. The pro-white slogans read, Poos will not replace us. And blood and corn. All right, I was really hoping blood and corn was going to bring it around.

Man, I was really hoping bloody baby shit was going to save me. Ow! Fuck! Bro! Honestly, it's worse that it hasn't happened to me yet, because now I'm just terrified. Fuck. Bro. Honestly, it's worse that it hasn't happened to me yet, because now I'm just terrified. Hey, does anyone have any soup I could eat? Jesus Christ.

I'm so glad I don't have low-hanging balls, because that would fucking... I do. All right. I wrote these in the car on the way here. A gay rights lawyer burned himself to death to protest global warming. I've heard of a flaming gay, but this is ridiculous. Oh, geez.

We should have some kind of homophobia limit, because it always works. That was my first one in several episodes. Hey, did you guys hear about the African American man who got arrested at a Starbucks? Yeah, a cop walked in and ordered a tall black to go. Shit. It's a live podcast.

It's the whitest thing it could be. Do it. Be gentle. No. Okay. That sucks so much. How does this help people cum? I don't...

I mean, it's not not making me horny, but... Oh, God. Claire, you gotta, like, take it down, like, 30%. Oh, shit. Because we're trying to fuck after this, and... Yeah, each other. Yeah, I'm gonna spank Keith later. It's gonna be no fun.

All right, almost a million dollars worth of poop-laced cosmetics were seized during a bust in the L.A. Fashion District. I've heard of being shit-faced, but this is ridiculous. All right, I think I just barely... I'm barely safe. I think you're safe. Alright, dude, thank you for that pity applause. You saved my ass. Man, going three deep on the shit jokes so far. One more.

A German doctor's lover was hospitalized after she sucked the doctor's dick while it was covered in cocaine. This maneuver is being called the Conor McSpadden Chinese finger trap. Man, Connor loves cocaine.

Yeah. I'll lower it for myself. Fuck you very much. I like how cocaine is like to you guys what deep dish pizza is to Chicago. It's like, oh, you haven't had real Detroit cocaine. That's real deep dish cocaine. You go around the corner, you meet a guy with a knife.

That's the real cocaine. Ah, shit, this is bad. Authorities say mice ate half a pound of marijuana out of an evidence locker. Law enforcement officers are on the lookout for the culprit, Sticky Icky Mickey. Shit. Hey, it sure did rhyme, didn't it? Alright.

Oh, you got the hole. Ow. Oh, shitty's gonna be a bummer. Keith, one of you, you haven't taken a successful shit since the Clinton administration. Who the fuck are you kidding? Like you're just dropping canned peaches every time?

You literally had diarrhea in this room before the show. I did not have diarrhea. I had a very dense Pizza Wendy's shit. Thank you very much. All right, guys. China is banning homosexual content on the popular microblogging platform Weeboo. I am gay protests have erupted across the country, free during chance of we Chinese, we love cum, we go pee-pee in your bum.

Oh, man. I am so fucking relieved. You have no idea. It got real quiet as I approached the stand. Oh good, a woman was drunk. I don't like your confidence in me. A dog...

Oh, shit. My phone went off. Phone's back on. A dog has been taught how to sniff out whoppers. In other news, Keith Carey has now found the perfect dinner date. I don't like... Hey, wait, but just real quick. Have you guys heard the story about Keith Carey and the dog fucking?

You never heard it? And you never will. Keith fucked a dog. That's pretty much the gist of it. You love that dog pussy. I fucked a lady while we watched a dog fuck a different lady. It's not... Yeah, it's not weird or anything. When a dog loves a woman...

Key and Peele announced they will be starring in a claymation film. In related news, Tom Goss announced he is racist. Boom. This really, oh man, this feels like playing a trumpet for Nazi officers. This is... Well, I better hope I don't hit any sour notes. Alright, guys. A severely burned dog was rescued

in Detroit last week. Authorities say the dog lit himself on fire in protest of Keith Carey's upcoming appearance at the Go Slide. A thousand iTunes reviews and I'll fuck a dog. Oh, thank you. Thank you, fucking Guido Dice Clay.

Oh! We support bestiality. Oh! Carbon is bestiality. Oh! Carbon is carbon over here. Whatever. It's warm. Rachel Dolezal. You guys know Rachel Dolezal, right? The former white

fake black person is now running a successful barbershop. The good news is she appropriates any more culture she'll soon get shot by the cops. Ooh, Tom and Gus. We all thought that wasn't going to work. Neither did I. Yeah, well, when Tom called her racial dolezal,

I thought that might throw a monkey wrench in the gears. All right. Rockstar Huey. Oh, good. The air conditioner's on. Okay. The building is rejecting this nonsense. You got this, Keith. I sure don't.

We're all rooting for you. Shut up, idiot. Rockstar. Oh, hey, guys. Wait. Animal control. I love Detroit. This is awesome.

Animal control is outside. We got to let him come in. Can we go 45 minutes without a murder so I can do my art, please? Thanks, guy who did it. Rockstar Huey Lewis canceled his upcoming tour due to illness. However, the band will continue performing

under their new name, The Fake News. Oh, he's the news guy. Yeah, Tom. We'll do it like you mean it. Hit him! Oh, no! Fuck you! Mean it less! Oh, shit!

Dog sex! That's for the Mexican show, Tom. Who are you gonna fuck? German Shepherd! Well, this has been retarded already. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Dude, the Dom

got Dom. Fucking... Guys, give it up for Claire Higginbottom, everybody. Claire Higginbottom, ladies and gentlemen. She was fucking awesome. Should we bring our first comic up? Yeah, we should say, if you like Claire, check out some of her Harry Potter slash fic that I assume she writes.

And you can buy some of her dead animal bone jewelry on Etsy if you're so inclined. You guys, we've got a lot of show ahead of you. We're going to bring up a very funny local comic, and then we'll be back up to do some more bullshit. You guys, make it loud right now for Kyle Forsythe. Kyle Forsythe, ladies and gentlemen. I've commandeered the YouTube ad for this next segment.

Tom, I don't know how you walk around with this all the time looking how you do. It makes me less conspicuous. It makes me look conspicuous. It makes me look like I know what I'm doing. Connor, you with the GoPro looks like you're about to enter some sort of lesbian bike race. I'm doing a POV pussy eating porn. Welcome to the gold star invitational. All right, guys.

Anybody who's not kind of gay has no idea what that is. Cool, man. I never thought I'd get heckled about Star Trek from a guy who looks like a Bronx bookie. Hey, listen, you don't like the Romulans? Maybe I'll break your kneecaps. How about that? Yeah, I'm taking odds on the Dyke 500 or whatever. It's not going to be the neutral zone when I bring my fucking bat down there.

That's Mark Molloy in real life. It is. Holy shit. What's up, you fucking mooks? What were you going to say? It looks like you put on the camera to record a POV porn of you fucking two brothers played by Connor and Tom. It's called you Connor. I'm fucking sorry

about that. I wish. My name is Connor's friend. I know my you Connor. I'm fucking sorry about that. I wish. Yeah, no, Keith and Tom. No, my name is Connor's friend. I'm so sorry. I know my role in this business. That's what happens when you smoke weed before a show sometimes. Yeah, this is why I said no. Yeah.

All right. Don't you have a craft brewery to run or something? Don't you have to get back to the GameStop and lock up? Somebody's got to referee this adult kickball league. All right, guys. We're going to be playing one of our favorite segments. It's time for a round of price check. We have a very simple game.

I'm going to give you two things. You've got to try to guess which one costs more. Round number one, Coachella tickets for one weekend or dinner with Jeb Bush. Which costs more? That's my Coachella. I think Please Clap is headlining the second stage of Coachella this year. Oh yeah, no, you guys came to see Videohead.

What do you think, guys? Coachella tickets or Jeb? Wait, who is selling tickets to eat with Jeb Bush? I hope it's Jeb Bush. Jeb Bush is selling tickets. You for Jeb Bush? I hope it's Jeb Bush Jeb Bush is selling tickets You for sure looked this up before you had to research this game too Yeah, Tom, you got me I fucking love Jeb Bush He loves politics

Yeah, I got a poster I made a bad one I have a poster of him hanging up in my bedroom And I'm like, someday When the Patreon hits 3,000 Ah, the Bushes, the retarded Kennedys bedroom and I'm like someday when the Patreon hits 3,000. Ah, the Bushes, the retarded Kennedys. That's my favorite punk band.

Too dumb to count. Went to school. It was really hard. Ate lots of paste and now my Tommy Hur. That's a great joke for just me and Keith. This is our game where we just make each other laugh and then you guys can hang out or whatever.

Yeah, I'm sorry I wasn't an Eminem parody. You fucking... Hey, Eminem's cool, right? Detroit Eminem? Oh, Tom actually doesn't know that that's a rapper. He just thinks

that you're referring to his favorite food. You guys have no idea how excited I am to see the real 8 Mile. I'm so excited. I'm not making... I'm not making that was my first thought. Oh, come on. You've seen Keith's dick before.

Am I right, everybody? He's got a big gross hog under there. It unrolls like that mountain from The Nightmare Before Christmas. Fucking guess already. Jeb Bush or Coachella? It's a yes or Coachella answer. I'm gonna say Dinner with Jeb Bush. Dinner with Jeb Bush. I think Bush or Coachella? It's a yes or Coachella answer. I'm going to say dinner with Jeb Bush.

Dinner with Jeb Bush. I think it's Coachella. Yeah. Yeah, Tom's wrong. It's dinner with Jeb Bush. Coachella ticket is $399. Dinner with Jeb Bush, $100,000. Here's the thing.

I would pay $200,000 to go to Coachella with Jeb Bush. I dare you to try and explain the yeah, yeah, yeahs to Jeb Bush. Why has everyone got real-life Snapchat filters on? There's so many flower crowns. All right, guys. One hit of crack cocaine or one ticket to this show. I'm in Detroit. I had to make a regional. In Detroit?

Equal? I don't know. How do you think they paid? People are like, how do I send crack via Eventbrite? Oh, man. Thanks.

The guy who is not a mean boy but seems to want to participate a lot. He's cool. I like it. Yeah, he's cool. Yeah, you're right. Fuck!

God, I wish I did more drugs. Do you, Tom? Yeah, because you're sober and you're already this. Who would have thought I was sober? I think if you smoke crack, you're going to grow another mohawk. I think if I start doing more drugs, I just become normal and fit into society.

I think that's how that works. You can't make me more out there. I don't know what kind of dividing by zero crack logic this is. Yeah. Maybe I'll learn division. I'm going to go crack. Alright. What do you think? I'm also going to go crack.

I think equal. Honestly. Equal? Alright. One hit of crack. Five dollars. Tickets to this show. Ten dollars. You guys could have had two hits of crack, $5. Tickets to this show, $10. You guys could have had two hits of crack. How bummed out are you? Oh, that's funny. All right, next one.

In light of the recent racist incident, one share of Starbucks stock or one adult Black Panther Halloween costume? What's the quality level on the costume? Is it like the original costume? No, it's not the original costume It's like the Party City Presents I'm a Black Guy kit Like pecs made of foam

Yeah, foam pecs, you know You'd be overdoing it for a get-together with friends, but it's still pretty nice. Okay. I'm going with Black Panther. Normal Black Panther is sexy Black Panther. What are you talking about? Good Lord, man.

Tom's like, stocks are those things they use to make soup out of, right? By the way, we can all agree that the movie Black Panther is just fuckable The Lion King, right? That's just a Simba I can crank it to, and it's not weird because he's not JTT. Well, yeah, Keith was watching

The Lion King, and he's like, if only this was about dogs instead of lions. I gotta go whip a batch out to Oliver and company. Yeah, this is the man who not six weeks ago said Bulbasaur's got some swerve to him. It's a fuckable Pokemon, and I won't apologize for the truth. All right. What are you thinking?

I'm gonna say a share of Starbucks stock. All right. I'm gonna say the Black Panther costume. All right, guys. Tom, did you guess? I think Starbucks is more expensive. All right, guys. One share of Starbucks stock, $59.24.

Black Panther Halloween costume, $49.99. Oh, shit. God damn it. Starbucks wins. Yeah. Everyone got bummed there. Hey, I didn't create capitalism. I don't know why you guys are mad at me.

Don't shoot the messenger, D-Town. Everybody got bummed out. Like, they planned on if the price was right, they were going to go home and buy Starbucks stock tonight or something. Now's the time. Buy low, sell high. Look, okay, one Black Panther costume is ten hits of crack. I don't think that's a deliberate.

I don't think it's a coincidence. I believe in something called divine numerology. I'm a member of the Nation of Islam. That's what his necklace is made out of instead of the little teeth. All right, guys. Okay member of the Nation of Islam. That's what his necklace is made out of instead of the little teeth. All right, guys. Next one, a brick from Eminem's childhood home or the price of getting a DUI in Detroit? Wait, I thought he lived in a trailer. I mean, he probably lived...

No, the house from the Marshall Mathers LP, you dipshit. Oh, okay. After you're like, I want to go to 8 Mile. You're like, wait, where is 8 Mile? Oh, yeah, Eminem. You know the green guy? He's in all those commercials. I love that guy.

He's my favorite rapper. Sometimes he's got peanut butter in him. I got it. I got to go. I got to go with the brick. You got to go with the brick. I got no funny... I'm pro Eminem, which is a weird stance to make on this podcast. But I'm the brick. You gotta go with the brick. I got no funny... I'm pro-M&M, which is a weird stance

to make on this podcast. I mean... But I'm going brick. The phrase, the cost of getting a DUI is a little confusing because, like, booze is cheap here.

I can get a DUI for eight bucks. Well, Keith, you can't drive. If you wanted to get a DUI, you need six months of lessons and, like, therapy.

Yeah, you gotta be a good driver to get a DUI. I'd get a DUI sober, bitch. Yeah. I'm gonna say... Sir, your breathalyzer was fine, but your cholesterol is through the roof.

This technically counts as a drug, so... I'd ask you to walk into a straight line, but your thighs would start a small brush fire, so... Can you waddle in a straight line? Yeah. I'm gonna say it's the... I think it's the DUI because I think whoever has those M&M bricks

is a fucking moron and is selling them for nothing. Okay. DUI in Michigan is roughly about $10,000 from my understanding. Understanding. That's what I've been told. By the police.

By your lawyer. Twelve? Okay, so... Oh, thank you. That guy definitely knows. That guy definitely knows. Well, this show is about to cost you $12,010. Yeah, there's like a chimp man that stocks boxes at Costco back there.

He knows a lot about crime rates. With the amount of Miller Lights next to him, I'm guessing he's going for number two tonight. What? That's why you got a DD? You got a DD. Your DD, the man who just spit vodka in my mouth earlier? Have fun, everybody.

All right, I'm going to go with the... All right, dude. Come down more, retarded Adam Driver. The Brick from Eminem's House. Yeah, Brick from Eminem's House. All right, Brick from Eminem's House. Price of getting a DUI, approximately $10,000. Brick from Eminem's House, $2,600.

Oh! Damn! Yeah. All right, guys, next one. A dog sex doll used to placate your horny dog. It's a dog sex doll for dogs. Not one dog has ever fucked that dog sex doll. Here's the thing.

Keith knows he's watched all of the dog fucks. This is like the same logic where they have to sell poppers as VCR cleaner. Oh, it's a water pipe, Chad, is it? I couldn't find one that was marketed to humans, and believe me, I did look on Claire's Wi-Fi, so enjoy the visit from the FBI next week, sugar. Or one session of gay conversion therapy

in Alabama. Your boy went hard on the deep web for this game, ladies and gentlemen. Oh, man. Hit a dog or quit the hog. That was not like you were concerned about the game. That's like, I have a purchase to make.

Yeah, that sounds like, is someone undercutting my bottom line? God damn it. And what about the hair? Are we talking hand-stitched? Is it a polyester blend? Oh, yeah. check out my new charity Locks for Cum, where you shave your dog

and I use it to make it a very accurate dog sex doll, so bad men like Keith don't have to hurt real dogs. Keith fucks dogs. Okay, so, shall we guess, gentlemen? Dude, I hate my wife. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Whatever.

All right. Everybody chill the fuck out. Yeah, you guys were being a little rough on Keith. Fuck you. I'm trying to think of another pun, but mostly I'm just mad that this happened. Oh, God. I think the gay conversion therapy is more. All right.

The state doesn't fund that, right? No. Okay. You never know. It's like what you said, Alabama? Yeah. Yeah. Okay.

Yeah, I think if it doesn't get subsidized, I'm going to go with shock. All right. The big shock. They offered that shit to me for being crazy. That shit's scary. What if they shocked? What if they made you sane but gay? Wait, Tom, they offered you a dog to fuck to make you more sane? How does that work?

All right, what do you think, Kyle? So how long is the conversion therapy? One session, one hour. That's a lot of electricity. Oh, one session, one hour. That's a lot of electricity. Oh, one session, one hour. I'm going dog. I'm going dog. Dog sex doll.

Yeah. Wait, Tom, you thought it was enough to make you straight again? Like that was something that actually worked? No, not that it actually worked. I'm not saying they're not going to try until the end. You guys, the conversion therapy is fleeting, but the dog sex doll is forever. All right, guys. They're a bitch to clean.

Dog sex doll, $233.12. One session of gay conversion therapy in Alabama, $100. Well, Tom, we might have found a cure. Have you tried fucking a dog until you don't think colors are mad at you? I'm just saying. Next one. Season tickets to see the Detroit Lions or the amount of money we've made on tour so far?

I'm glad you guys like this. I thought this one was going to suck. What seats? What seats? These are the most expensive seats you can get. These are the nice ones. 100% the lions. I don't know if they're the most expensive.

It's very cursory Googling. It said between blah and blah, and it went with a higher number. I don't know if you're in the VIP crack lounge, but it's a nice, decent seat. A silver platter full of crack. A rock for the lady. That's so fucking funny, dude. I'm going 100% lion's share.

I'm going 100% the tour. You guys really like that team, despite the fact they're terrible. And you really like this podcast. I just think it's terrible. Let's be honest. There's about eight dudes in here that like this podcast. And they're like, we're worried they won't do this again Unless I rope a couple of my co-workers into doing this

So I'll buy you guys some IPAs And be cool about the dog fucking jokes Kyle your thoughts Oh man I don't know Detroit Lions probably It seems like you guys are pretty confident in that I'm just going to take your word for it

Alright well I really appreciate that From the producer of the show tonight. The answer is the amount of money we made on tour. That's how much the football team sucks. Fuck you, the Lions. Hell yeah. I'm not going to go into specifics so we can continue to charge too much as time goes on and people revisit the podcast. And the final one, the amount of cocaine

Tim Allen got caught with in the 70s or the average cost of a house in Detroit today. Oh my god. And by the way, I did not adjust for inflation. These are 70s coke prices, modern day real estate.

Easy. Easy. Easy. Easy. Cocaine all day. I'm taking cocaine. Yeah, straight up cocaine. I don't think so, bitch. We need more lawyers. Tom, your thoughts?

I'm going to stick with the group, cocaine. All right. The amount of cocaine Tim Allen got caught with, $60,000. Average cost of a house in Detroit, $44,600. That is Price Check, ladies and gentlemen. A round of applause for Mr. Kyle Forsythe. Thank you for joining the show. Thank you for having me.

We'll see you at the Urban Outfitters. That was great. You guys, we're going to keep it going with your next guest. Another funny local comic. Give it up, everybody, for Brad Hayden. One more time for

Sexy Me, everybody. Oh, I'm sexy you? Shit. Yeah, yeah. No, a Detroit comic, Nicole Amy Shriver, was like, yeah, you got to get hotter you

on the show. I was like, oh, thanks. Oh, man, you guys should kiss. Oh, we will. Yeah. You guys want to see them kiss?

I've never made out with a dude before. Every woman just went, yeah, and every dude was like, we're good. No, thank you. Still the Midwest, calm down, faggots. If we kissed, do we just become one person? Oh, God, you fuse into the turbo douche. I mean, it's going to be real hard with a GoPro, but I also feel like that's going to be valuable footage.

We'll see how badly this next segment bombs and see if we need someone to bail us out. We're playing a round of Whodunit, folks. Now, this is a very simple game. I'm going to read you guys a news story, and then you're going to have a couple options. You've got to tell me who did this crime. Two people were caught having sex in the parking lot

outside of Denver 7-Eleven. Was it A, me and Connor? B, me and Tom? C, me and that dog doll from earlier? Or D, Keith and a dog? He fucks dogs. Alright, A, was that two corrections officer? B,

two special needs teachers? C, two special needs adults? Or D, two AM, PM employees. Well, I mean, I feel like special needs adults and AM, PM employees is a perfect circle of a diagram. Oh, my God. We went to a Domino's yesterday. Oh, got to tell them. They had a special needs cashier.

And we walked in to get our pizza. And they were just playing the Looney Tunes theme on a loop. But they weren't playing the end of it. So it was like, eh, da-da-da-da-da, da-da-da-da, over and over and over again. And Keith was like, what the fuck is happening? I'm like, I think she has her iPod on shuffle. We didn't feel great about it. All right, what do you guys think?

Oh, man. You said special needs adults and special needs teachers? Yeah. I think they needs adults and special needs teachers? Yeah. I think they're like, they teach people with special needs. They're not teachers with special needs.

Yeah, that's, although I do have a sitcom to write. It's a fucking waterhead poet society. Yeah, they're not dumb teachers. It's, oh, Captain

Crunch, my Captain Crunch. They were making out or fucking? They were fucking. They were fucking. And they got arrested or just caught?

Tom is doing a very... Special needs teachers. Tom's doing some serious retard calculus. He's like, where did they get the car? I was on the bus. I'm going special needs teachers. They're changing it up. They're around those kids all day.

All right. Keith Carey. I'm going to say, if you're AM PM employees, you just fuck in the AM PM. Yeah, that's a good point. You just give her too much good stuff. You put your dick on that hot dog roller to get hard. I'm going to say it's two special needs adults. Tom Goss.

I think my people are out of this. I'm going to go special. I'm going to go with parole officers. All right. That was two corrections officers. Yeah. Who's the tar now? You. It's you.

Alright guys, next one. A man was caught jerking off on a family's porch in the middle of the night. He was naked except for a mask of which president? A. Clinton B. Reagan C. Trump or D. Obama? Trick question.

It was actually just Bill Clinton. Hey, can I borrow a cup of sugar? Maybe a cup of booger sugar. All right. Bill Clinton likes to party. Why do you think I put that one in there? Just an excuse to do the voice. Talk about pandering, ladies and gentlemen.

Wait, this guy, was the guy wearing the mask? Was he white or black? He was white He was white, okay I'm going Obama then, right off the bat Like he was some alright dude Who thinks he's gonna frame Obama for it Man, it's the perfect guy

That'll get him It's Alex Jones It was Reagan And then what was the other one in the middle? Oh, they got fake news. I got fake news, too, everybody. Reagan, Obama, Trump, Clinton. Okay.

I'm going to go Reagan. I'm going Obama, as well. I don't like Reagan. I hope it was Reagan. All right. That was a Ronald Reagan mask. Fuck yeah. Yeah, follow your heart, guys.

Unless you're that guy. I dream of some shining titties on a hill. All right, guys. That's just a Reagan fan bragging about the house. He's giving them some trickle-down economics on the porch. Well, I just got done ruining Detroit, and I wanted to celebrate with a little porch pack. Just like we used to do back on the ranch.

All right, guys. Someone in Wisconsin blew themselves up making homemade explosives. Now, was that A, a member of the Wisconsin gang the Spanish Cobras, B, a neo-Nazi, C, a cyber activist claiming to be part of Anonymous, or D, a chef for a barbecue restaurant. Spanish Cobra is an energy drink. I 100% believe this. I almost feel like you guys just made A up. We made all of them up.

Oh, okay. Except for one. I looked up Wisconsin gangs, and it's a short list, but the Spanish Cobras are on them. Yeah, it's the Spanish Cobras and the Whites. Like, that's the gang list in Wisconsin. Yeah, the Clit Packers? I don't know what you'd even do.

Can you run them through one more time? Yes, please. Spanish Cobras, Neo-Nazis, Anonymous Guy, or Barbecue Chef? We got to vote for Barbecue Chef from the back, or he's just hungry and wasn't paying attention. Terrorist Barbecue Chef. Blew off my thumbs. I think it is the Neo-Nazis.

All right, what do you think? I'll go anonymous. What do you guys think? Oh, okay. All right. Okay, no. Spanish Cobras. Members of the Spanish Cobras. Oh, okay. All right. Spanish Cobra. Spanish Cobra. Members of the

Spanish Cobra. Yeah, exactly. I got that, dude. They'll show off snake tattoos, but the snake has like a thin mustache and an Enrique Iglesias

mole, so you know he's Spanish. We might have to make out. This isn't going so great. Okay, perfect. You're bombing on

purpose, is that? Oh, yeah. I had some real funny shit written down. I'm excited. You're bombing on purpose, is that? Oh yeah, I had some real funny shit written down. You tell them. I'm going anonymous. Alright. I said anonymous. I'm gonna go barbecue. Barbecue. Alright, what do you think, Keith? I said neo-Nazis. That was a neo-Nazi.

He knows his people, I unfortunately know mine. Did your family ever dabble in bomb making or no? No, they weren't. My stepdad was not like the productive kind of Nazi. He was just like the lay around and talk about how Jews aren't great kind of Nazi. He was a real armchair Nazi.

Real backseat Nazi. Yeah. Okay. All right. And all right. Two more. We got a woman pulled a gun in the drive-thru of a fast food restaurant because she saw a man that her husband fucked. Now, was this A?

Whoa. Like, working at the drive-thru? Yeah, just at the establishment. I'd be like, not only is my man cheating on me, not only is he cheating on me with a dude, but he's also cheating on me with a fast food employee. Like, that's three levels of insult. All right, now, did this happen, A, at a Wendy's, B, insult. Alright, now did this happen A, at a Wendy's? B, at a Chick-fil-A? C, at a Burger King?

Definitely not a Chick-fil-A. Or D, a Hardee's? Can you go through them one more time? Alright, we got Wendy's, Chick-fil-A, Burger King, Hardee's. Which is the most white trash, you guys? Hardee's? Is Hardee's white trash here? I'll go Hardee's. Which is the most white trash, you guys? Hardee's? Is Hardee's white trash here?

I'll go Hardee's. Oh, man. Hardee's is the nice one in LA. No, it's fucking garbage. I'm with you guys. Fuck Carl's Jr. I think it's Chick-fil-A. Chick-fil-A would be the best one.

That'd be my favorite. Yeah, it's just beautiful. You know if it happened at a Chick-fil-A, the people who own it were like, see, we told you about the games. That's what happens. I'm going to say Wendy's. Hopefully it happened on a Sunday so they wouldn't have to close. Alright, the answer.

That happened at a Wendy's. Boom! I'm bummed that I'm good at this. Alright, and finally, why Donnit? You've got to tell me why this person did it. This is the final round A Virginia woman was charged with resisting arrest For murdering her boyfriend

Now was that A, because she didn't want to be arrested By a black man B, she was Like, it might be another one But it's also kind of that one Can we pick multiple answers? Alright, B, she was baking a loaf of banana bread and she wanted to wait for it to finish. C, she needed to, quote, go get her severed heads.

Or D, she had to shave her legs. Why did she resist arrest? A and B. There's a lot there. I feel like if you're going to jail, you want to be as hairy as possible, you know? I also don't... If she were to go get the severed heads, they're not going to let her keep them with her. Like, they're going to...

That's contraband. I think if you're in a state where you're decapitating people, you're not going to be like, well, they're going to confiscate the heads. Oh, man. None of these are good. If it's banana bread, that better be some good banana bread. Yeah, I'm going to say it's D. I think it's the shaving one. I think she knows she's going to prison.

She wants to keep it foxy while she's in there. Yeah. Well, yeah, no, she just saw Laura Poupon in Orange is the New Black, and she's like, well, you know, there's a silver lining to every cloud. Somebody just said 20 bucks is 20 bucks, as though this lady is going immediately from husband murder to jailhouse whore. It's a bold career trajectory. I like how someone

just said black man. I don't like that we host the kind of show where somebody feels emboldened enough to just go black man from the back. Well, they're calling her racist, so it kind of makes sense. I'd like to imagine the cop was like, there's not even chocolate chips in this. We're gonna beat you now.

You had to have known. Okay, so has everyone guessed? You said Virginia is where this happened, right? Yeah, I'll go black guy. I'm going to go banana bread. I love banana bread. I do too. And I support her decision.

To kill her husband? Didn't like banana bread. I'm going to shave the legs. All right, the answer. She needed to go get her severed heads. Oh, shit. Nobody got it? Yeah.

Man. She had some severed heads in the basement, and she's like, can I just grab a few personal effects? Is that going to go bad? What? Did you start juggling? Why did she? She's like, oh, just a bag of clothes. No need to look in here.

She's going to try and sneak them in. Yeah, let me grab you some more evidence. Yeah, let me see if I can fit Daryl up my butt so I can smuggle him into the pokey. All right. Well, that's it for Whodunit, everybody. Fuck yeah. Hey, sorry you didn't get a fun segment. It's okay.

I enjoyed it. You guys aren't going to make out? I don't know. Should we make out? At no point did we discuss this with this man I've never met. Yeah. Yeah. We'll debate it offstage.

In the meantime, we got one more very funny comic to bring up for you, and then we have a segment we've never done before, and we're excited to see how it goes. But right now, everybody, make it loud for Brett Mercer.

Brett Mercer, ladies and gentlemen. We're going to debut a brand new segment here, and we're very excited about it Keith, why don't you tell the people what we're doing Yeah, so we Tom, you'll hang out with me every day Yeah, there we go

We joke about this on the show all the time That every time we do a live show We sell a preposterous amount of single tickets Because we realize that none of our fans are super loved Doesn't that make you feel good? I'm just saying, a lot of single people And we want to see if we can help So we'm going to say a lot of single people and we want to see if we can help so we're going to do a round of the Mean Boys Dating Game

How does that sound? Does that sound fun everybody? Alright, so what we need right now we need a volunteer, we need a single woman from the audience to volunteer I am seeing a lot of pointing You look like you just had a panic attack by the way This looks pretty bad

Everybody was just like point at the black person. Point at one black person. You're never going to arrest that lady in Virginia. Will you come up and play with us? Come on. Give it up for everybody. She's being very brave right now. Also important to note, the only person I've met thus far with all their correct teeth.

What is your name? Andrea. Andrea, you're going to be okay. I just want to tell you that. You'll be alright. It'll be fine. It's not a trend. Have you listened to the podcast or did you get dragged here by a friend? I have listened to it but Claire dragged me here too. Diplomatic answer. I appreciate it.

So here's what we're going to do. We're going to grab some single male volunteers from the crowd. We're going to do a little interviewing of them and we're going to do. We're going to grab some single male volunteers from the crowd. We're going to do a little interviewing of them, and we're going to see if maybe one of them works potentially for you romantically. You are not obligated to fuck anyone in this bar. Not at all. I cannot stress that enough, both legally and just spiritually, because Christ. Yeah.

I don't know if we have the insurance for that, frankly. Andrea, have you ever watched The Dating Game? Yeah. Okay, so you know you're not going to be able to see anybody. We don't have a booth to sequester you in. So if you want to pop your glasses off, we've made a blindfold. By which I mean we have put duct tape over a pair of glasses. Can I take a seat?

Yeah, she can take a seat. Grab a seat right here. All right. And go ahead and throw on the protective visor. That looks kind of badass. This looks like it's an aesthetic choice. Yeah, you look like you're in Devo. This is Kanye in three years.

You got ahead of the curve. Yeah, you guys didn't know. Special cameo from Theophilus London tonight. Debuting the hottest shades of 2018. You can't see anything, correct? No. Perfect. All right.

We need three single male volunteers from the crowd. Just raise your hand. Okay, anyone but these two guys. All right. Yeah, we'll get you. We'll get you. And then... No one...

One more single guy? None of you are single. If you're single, sit up here. All right. Yeah, right around there. If you get your ass beat by me, it'll be great. Yeah, so let's go ahead and grab seats here. That was upsetting.

No, that was sarcastic. Oh, okay, good. All right, so just hang tight. And let's see how this goes. Connor, do you want to start this thing off? Yeah, let's do this shit. So first of all, we're going to have you guys just take a second to introduce yourselves. So why don't you tell us a little bit about yourself.

Bachelor number one. You'll be bachelor number one. Fuck. Name is Bob. Not making that shit up. I'm actually Bob. Hold the mic a little closer to your dumb face, Bob. Is this close enough to my dumb face, Connor?

Yes, it is. Okay, Bob. Name's Bob. It's actually Bob. Is this close enough to my dumb face, Connor? Yes, it is. Okay, Bob. Name's Bob. It's actually Bob. From here. Whole life. 34 years old. What's your name?

That was my name. Could you not give your introduction like it's a sad Bruce Springsteen song? Name's Bob. No, I cannot. From here.

Whole life. I was born here and I'm gonna die here. Plant closed. Addicted to painkiller. That has a confusing name. Pardon my mannerisms. I was born here and I'm going to die here. Plant closed, addicted to painkiller. That has a confusing name. Pardon my mannerisms. I don't do this for a living.

Okay. Well, all right, bachelor number two. Why don't you take a second to introduce yourself? James. All right. James from, no, Detroit. From Detroit? Okay.

Glad we got the two most charismatic men. That's it. That's what it is. That's who I am. And you said you're single. No. No? No.

Well, that might be a problem. Okay. He's like, no, I'm a piece of shit. Don't get me wrong. You're swinging. You're assuming I'm single. No, we asked who was single. They asked for a single volunteer.

You're single for five minutes. You're we asked who was single. They asked for single volunteers. You're single for five minutes. It's complicated. All right. They good enough? All right. Bachelor number three, introduce yourself. Wretched pig children. I am the god of death and the death of God.

The impaler of newborns. The man who put the bump in the bump-a-bump-sh-a-bump and the knife in the back of my enemies. I am Cardon the Bloodfeaster! Alright, so Andrea, how are you feeling about these three bachelors? Who's in the lead so far? Number three. Ooh, okay.

I'm rooting for you guys. We can do this. Proceed with the game! Alright, question number two. How do you feel about having kids? Bachelor number one, let us know. Fuck children. Alright, so is that a verb or an opinion that you hold?

It's an important distinction to make. It's an ideal, okay. Okay, alright. I like ideals. Bachelor number two. I have four. Let's go. He's got four and you want more?

Four or more. Four or more. Four or more. Four or more children. Okay. Fucking father. Presumably to work the crack fields, you know. And bachelor number three.

How do you feel about having children? Only the most broad-hipped and iron-wombed of wenches will be able to pass my spawn. Children of my race are born weighing 187 pounds, and they come out horns first. Few have survived the birthing process. Those who have were driven to lunacy. What once was tight and functional, now blowing loose and pink. Like a pack of hamburger meat shot out of a T-shirt cannon.

All right, Andrea. How'd they do this round? I'm going to go with no kids for 500, please. All right. Contestant number one, Your choice is disappointing, but wise.

Yeah, I got to figure your cum is like battery acid. You too. If Funyuns could become a liquid, that's what you would ejaculate. Round number three. What is your favorite sexual position? Bachelor number one.

Whatever one makes me cum. That's a direct answer. What a charmer. Whatever one makes me specifically cum. That's a direct answer. What a charmer. What everyone makes me specifically cum. Alright, bachelor number two. And don't say at knife point because that's not a position.

And also don't say while currently being eight years old because I remember your last answer. What do you think? Favorite sex position? Bonson titties. That happens in every position if you're doing it right.

All right, bachelor number three, what's your favorite sex position? Genuinely, I wrote down at knife point. It's like you're reading my mind. I think I should just fuck Bachelor number three, honestly. I feel like it's long overdue. Question number four. Describe your perfect first romantic date.

Romantic, guys. Wooing. Bouncing titties, but they're on a swan boat. I feel like you misunderstand who I am. I think we get it. Yeah, I mean, you're wearing the nicest pickup artist getup you can get at Ross Dress for Less and you have a Legend of Zelda tattoo.

This came from fucking Meyer, Connor. Alright, great. What's your first date, dude? The knife store. Dude, fucking probably. What's the first date you've gone on? I've never planned a single date in my life. Look, you're really just here to set up this park.

Bachelor number two. I actually try to fucking plan out a dinner, date, flowers. Hey, what a sweetheart. I'm kind of rooting for number two. That's all I'm going to do.

He's got a heart of gold and a brain of bullshit. I'm going to make her feel like a motherfucking princess. I feel like you're doing a pretty good job considering I'm certain you only know like 45 words. And flowers, dinner, warmth, etc. I'm going to make her feel like the best fucking princess ever. What a fuck. Give it up.

What a charmer, everybody. Yeah. All right, Bachelor number three, you got a tough follow. What do you think? There is a dark place where only the brave dare to fuck. It is a jagged mountain jutting a thousand feet into a black sky

and it is known as Mount Crushmore. Only the brave and the powerful may ascend its peak and the trail is lined with the bones of those whose horniness outpaced their abilities. Once atop, those wishing to copulate may breathe deep of the popper springs. And only then shall all holes be opened and ready

to plunder. Yeah. Alright, and finally, seal the deal with a cheesy romantic pickup line. Bachelor number... Oh, God. Andrea, how you holding up? Who's in the lead, Andrea?

I don't even know. It's all terrible. There's not a lot of good answers. Not at all. Andrea's pussy is a bank vault right now. Do you understand? It is dry. It just dries as a hair right now.

No one's doing well at all. That's how I like it. How do you feel about pickup lines? Do you like them? I love pickup lines. You got a chance. Bachelor number one. Let's see what you got.

I got fucking nothing. Okay, I like that one. Spit some game, homo. That's probably the most charming thing you said thus far. Alright, bachelor number two. Is this about a date? Yeah, it's like you're trying to ask her out on a date.

Where do you think you are right now? Do you think you're trying to apply for parole? This ain't traffic court. Why'd I wear my good t-shirt? I'm gonna plan a date. I'm gonna plan a date in a fucking restaurant in an event. At an event?

Here's an example of my favorite. My favorite pickup line is, hey, did you fall from heaven? Because you look very affected by gravity. That is my... What a coincidence. Because my pickup line is, hey girl, you must be an angel because I want to sodomize your father

while his kingdom burns! Oh. Can you guys move out of the way so the audience can see him really quick? You have the face of Abraham Lincoln if he got addicted to cough syrup. Can we acknowledge that? Really quickly? Alright, Andrea, you've heard from your bachelors. You he got addicted to cough syrup. Can we acknowledge that? Really quickly.

Alright, Andrea, you've heard from your bachelors. You've got to make a decision. Which one are you going with? Well, the only one that made an effort was number three, so I'm going to go with him. Looks like we're going to have to start calling him Carnock the Pussyfeaster. I live to fuck

by default again. Alright, well, I've got a round of applause for Andrea and our two terrifying bachelors. You guys can jump down. You're good. Thank you guys so much. You guys, we are almost done with the Mean Boys podcast. Before we get out of here,

we close the show the same way every time with a round of the Tom Lightning round. You guys know about lightning? Not for that. For any new converts, Tom has an interesting way of describing things. For example, he once referred to lightning as... Sky fire.

And overalls were... Shoulder pants. And God was... The devil was... Edgy God. Okay, so you guys get the idea. So we have not showed him these lists. He has no idea what's about to come.

He's got to try and describe these things as fast as he can. All right, and if you guys have anything you want him to do, feel free to shout him out during a pause. So are you ready for this, Tom? No, but I'm ready for this, Tom. All right, let's take it away. Banana bread. Oh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, fruit loaf.

Jay Leno. Oh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, fruit loaf. Jay Leno. Oh, uh, uh, uh, chin ha-ha. Decapitation. Um, um, uh, uh, I dropped it. Applesauce. Um, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, fruit mashed potatoes. Crack. What?

Crack. Oh, um, uh, hardened cocaine The Civil War Oh, um, uh, I don't like my brother Bestiality Um, uh, uh, uh, Keith Hump Pubic hair Pubic hair, oh, uh, fuck. Dick Wig.

Ronald Reagan. Oh, Worst Bush. The country of Portugal. Oh, Sexy Spain. Homeless People. Fuck, shit. Migrators. Frankenstein A stiff walkman

Name seven people from Detroit Oh shit, Eminem Marshall Mathers Barry Sanders Not Bernie That big fist Joe Louis Kim Mathers. Barry Sanders. Not Bernie. Shit. That Big Fist.

Joe Louis. Oh, fuck. Pavel Dadsuk lived here for a while. And a lot of homeless people. Tom, name seven ways to get rich. Oh, stealing, sharing, business, banks, thievery, cooking, and shit, president. That's a great question. All right, Tom.

Name seven reasons this was better than Fort Wayne, Indiana. More people. Not in a baseball game. Open McDonald's. Trees. Roads. Shit. Fucking... Claire.

Claire. You can't volunteer yourself. And you wonderful people. All right, one more. Tom, 30 seconds on the clock. Name seven things you did today. Oh, shit. Sleep.

Eat. Talk, shit. Sleep, eat, talk, thought, pissed, podcast, and smoke. All right, Tom, and finally, name seven different kinds of poop you can take. Okay, firm, runny, in between, in an alley, porta potty shaking, on a bus, near a loved one, and far away from a loved one. Ladies and gentlemen, that is the Me Boys Podcast. Thank you for coming out. You know how we end the show. Say it with us on the count of three.

One, two, three. Fuck everything. God is dead. God is dead. We'll see you next time.