Mean Boys - EP 123 - Hard Vanilla (feat. Shane Gillis)

Episode Date: April 20, 2018

We're on tour, come see us! http://www.meanboyspodcast.com Support the show on Patreon: www.patreon.com/meanboys This week’s segments include “Mexican Joke Off”, "Is This Domain Name Taken?", and a game of "Which of the Following" with Cannibal Corpse song titles by @pterantula. Listen to Shane's podcast: https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/matt-and-shanes-secret-podcast/id1177068388?mt=2 Fuck with the new Mean Boys subreddit: www.reddit.com/r/meanboys/ Subscribe to our YouTube channel: www.youtube.com/channel/UC0hvkj7TOPzMdJbKIh1L_hw Shop Sudio headphones and use promo code "MEANBOYS" for 15% off all purchases: goo.gl/JWBAJK Contribute to the Mean Boys wiki: mean-boys.wikia.com/wiki/Mean_Boys_Wiki Send us an email at [e-mail] or leave us a voicemail at [phone] We are proudly sponsored by Don Carlo's Taco Shop in La Jolla California (www.eataburrito.com) Follow our guest Shane Gillis on Twitter: twitter.com/shanemgillis Follow the show on Twitter: twitter.com/meanboyspodcast Follow Keith on Twitter: twitter.com/keithtellsjokes Follow Connor on Twitter: twitter.com/connormcspadden Follow Tom on Twitter: twitter.com/gossgoss6 Visit us on the web: www.meanboyspodcast.com Like us on Facebook: www.facebook.com/meanboyspodcast Follow us on Instagram: instagram.com/meanboyspodcast Follow us on Soundcloud: @meanboyspodcast Theme: I’ve Seen Footage by Death Grips (itunes.apple.com/us/album/the-mon…tore/id515449028) Buy Keith’s album (itunes.apple.com/us/album/forever-nap/id1105182043) Podcast logo by Luis Galvez: twitter.com/luiagal Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey everybody, welcome to the Mean Boys podcast. We are live from a Holiday Inn Express in Philadelphia. Yeah, not even Philadelphia, we're in some weird suburb outside of Philadelphia. Ungeneric Philadelphia. Yeah, some friendly children of the corn fucking burb out here. Yeah man, we had a fucking blast with our guest for this week, Shane Gillis, who hosts the podcast, Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast, check that out, there's a link for it in the show notes. He was awesome, this episode is butt-nasty ridiculous. Yeah, this is one of the more wildly offensive pieces of media we have ever created,

and that is saying something for this show. Yeah, this one's pretty rough, but we've been having such a fucking amazing time on tour. It's been so awesome meeting you guys. Truly life-affirming and fun and ridiculous, and it's been one of the probably coolest things I've ever gotten to do in my life. Yeah, at the risk of being too schmaltzy and ridiculous, and it's been one of the probably coolest things I've ever gotten to do in my life. Yeah, at the risk of being too schmaltzy and sincere, every single person who's come to one of these shows

and told us that the show means anything to them, you've validated years of our lives being a horrifying nightmare. You really have. This tour has been beyond what we could have hoped it was. Yeah, it really was. And we've been getting tweets, yes, there's going to be more tour.

We're coming for you, the rest of the country. Yeah. The wheels are already in motion. I cannot wait to go everywhere. Infernal devices have begun mechanizing. Yeah. And the support has been pretty overwhelming. So thank you again for that from the bottom of our hearts.

And now that we've pulled your heartstrings, get at us on Patreon. I mean, it's a great deal. You're fucking a scumbag. It's only $5 a month for bonus content and $10 a month for merch in the mail. It does feel disingenuine now. I was doing that as a shitty bit. Yeah, no, look, if you don't want to give us money and you just want to watch or listen

to the show, that's awesome. Yeah. It's totally fine. Great. If you want to give us a few bucks, great. It helps us do things like go on tour and get this hotel room to record. And eat groceries. Yeah, I mean, it genuinely does help us. The more you guys want to jump in and help us it helps us help but don't

if you if you're living in poverty don't freak out we love that you listen to the show we genuinely appreciate it we live in poverty to make the show you can't be bothered for five whole dollars a month i get it your life is very hard enjoy your squalor you fucking dickensian street urchin we do we do often say man we'd be so fucked we didn't start that patreon oh man I would have to have a job oh no yeah I'd be I'd be back at all we'd have gotten evicted for sure oh yeah for what I would be doing is I'd be doing a lot of shit one-nighters and just hating my life yeah I would be dating a rich girl I didn't love yeah that that that is the referral you're aboard the blake I don't want to do it man I know you don't want to but I'm glad you don't have to

fuck that noise yeah and leave us a review on iTunes this is the part of the show where I should have pulled the iTunes reviews up but I've gotten about nine hours of sleep in the last 72 hours so I mean Connor's been in three different like states or I guess yeah that's true

I flew back to LA for a show and then I had to fly all the way back here. And, yeah, I got like three and a half hours of sleep in Tom's bed in our kitchen. And then I had to get into one of the creepier lifts I've ever been in to go fucking shuffle through the security at LAX this morning. So I'm honestly shocked I'm still talking in a straight line at all. I kind of feel that way about all of us right now, especially you. But fucking, yeah. I feel pretty dope, honestly. I'm kind of hitting that way about all of us right now, especially you, but fucking... I feel pretty dope, honestly. I'm kind of hitting the second wind.

Yeah, I got my second wind, so I'm going to ride that out through the editing process and crash fucking hard. Yeah, leave us a review on iTunes. When we get to 400, we will do an episode with Keith Carey's mother as soon as we file the proper permits. Yeah, as soon as she gets her shots in order.

As soon as we get that ship that brought king kong back to america i remember the beginning of jurassic park when they're shipping the raptor and it kills the guy like that but it's just a fiery redhead yeah yeah i like the new bit where we talk about how to get your mom on the show that's just fun i think me and your mom are gonna get along i think we're become friends yeah yeah as soon as we solicit the services of craven the hunter here's the real problem is my mom is genuinely like a fairly chill person i feel like you guys wanted to be a rabid just bar skank oh i know yeah yeah oh we could have had my mom like a

decade ago on this show that would be the greatest piece of entertainment yeah imagine a story imagine a female i don't think she has oh god i'm gonna have to tell my mom the dog story Imagine a female Keith Ray 400 iTunes reviews and you get to hear me tell my mother the dog story Just think about that There's been a lot of dog story on this tour And I do feel a little bad But you gotta give the people what they want It's pretty funny

I like that that's my If you're J Muse and you're on tour You get a lot of snoochy boochies Yo tell me that story about the dog. Yeah, yeah. So fucking do that. Check out Tom's vlog. It's the Mean Boys vlog now.

Oh, the Mean Boys vlog. The Mean Boys vlog. Yeah, yeah, because Tom has been editing together these tour vlogs. And they're genuinely great. They're great, yeah. They're very well done, and it's a very fun snapshot into life on the road, a little behind-the-scenes footage of how the sausage is made. And yeah, thank you for checking those out.

And while you're at it, subscribe to our YouTube channel. Like us on Facebook. Follow us on Twitter. Follow us on Instagram. Hit up the subreddit. Yeah, hit up the subreddit. Go join in the conversation. We have a pretty great thread going right now

because we realize that so many of our fans just work in various factories. So now we've got a whole thing going about which factories people work in. Yeah, and it's just all the sadness. 25 comments. it's like everyone works at a job that's not going to exist because of robots in seven years and they're like yeah i'm fucked but as of right now i'm really looking forward to seeing where omega tom goes i might get into reddit just for the mean boys reddit it befuddles me i don't understand it but i might i might have to you know i'm kind of with

you on that yeah yeah yeah i made a burner reddit to post one thing in the me boys thing once but that's it yeah because gotta be honest after meeting all you guys i want to communicate with you guys more i know i'm very missing in action on social media and it's not gonna get much better but i'm gonna try to make it a little bit and after meeting you all i want to sincerely say i'm good at keeping you at arm's distance no you guys are fucking no everyone's been that hasn't been anybody who's been like okay man you've overstayed your welcome. Everyone's been real cool. No, no.

Everyone smells someone who does a lot of drugs, but they're fun on drugs, too. Yeah, yeah. Well, the guy who is missing half of his tooth split vertically will never stop being amazing to me. Where I was like, how did you break it in half, like, hot dog style? It's like somebody threw a beanbag at it at a carnival. Yeah, yeah, exactly. Exactly. Yeah, and other than that, come out to the last Bean Boy Show of the tour, April 28th at the Creek in the Cave.

Very special guest to be announced soon. It's going to be a big shebang. We've done fucking three of these this month. It's a finely tuned machine, so come out and see it for yourself in person. Bring your friends. If you're in New York or near New York, we promise this is gonna be a dope ass show and we don't don't make us look dumb in new york yeah come on guys and don't let this be the one that we get comic-con dad yeah we'll listen to all your stories and spray paint all your shit and fucking and i'll make keith tell the dog story three or four more times outside on the patio i'll find the dog video

i don't care like yeah i'll reenact it like a like native americans showing you where gods came from like i don't give a shit don't embarrass us in front of the cool New York guys. We want them to think we're tough-edged lords. Yeah, or if you're in New York and you want to – we'll have a lot more time there. So if you want to go get a sandwich or something, hit us up. We'll figure something out. Yeah, what else? Do we have anything else we've got to plug?

I think that's pretty much the big stuff. I'm going to be doing a tour in NorCal in May and then me and Connor be doing a tour in norcal in uh may and then me and connor are doing a tour in the northwest in august but we'll be announcing dates for that pretty soon yeah you can see me at the velveta room in austin texas tickets for that should be up soon i'm headlining there in june that'll be fun i cannot wait to come back to austin and um we have a very big announcement coming on april 23rd so uh just a couple days away keep your eyes and ears peeled i I'm excited for you guys to see what we've been

working on for these last couple months. Hell yeah. All right, that's it. Love you guys. Enjoy this fucking horrible show. Did you say love you guys?

Yeah. Yeah, we're filled with love, man. Love you guys too. Yeah, we love you guys. Now enjoy... Enjoy nice boys.

No, enjoy the polar opposite of nice boys. Enjoy filth boys. I just want you to know that when I say love you guys, I was talking about the listeners, not you two, okay? All right, here we go. All right, enjoy.

Hey, everybody. Welcome to the Mean Boys Podcast. Heaven is a place on Earth. Unfortunately, so is Indiana. I'm Keith Carey. I'm Tom Goss. I'm Connor McSpadden. And I'm, uh... Mom's a new boyfriend. I was gonna go with the coolest kid with Down Syndrome. Yeah!

You look a little retarded, but you figured out how the track check works. Holy shit! Like you're out the track check it works holy shit like you're bullying the other retards yeah yeah you got like the you got the almond shaped eyes

and kind of the haircut of a Down Syndrome guy you look like a fuckable version of the possum kid from Deliverance you look like you're really nailing

the Walmart greeter job you look like he is greeting the shit out of this Walmart man we would rapid fire on somebody like this in a while. Yeah, usually that's me that they do that to.

I'm glad you're here. We'll get you later. Oh, yeah. That gay idiot. Nobody forgot about you, Tom. Don't worry about it. Those were pretty good. Pretty spot on.

Thanks, man. Pretty spot on. You're welcome. I got to be honest, though. These are layups. I've been hit with these. I figure, yeah. There's nothing new about this.

You got to understand, this is our first exposure. I know. Okay, let's go a little deeper. Shane's never gonna make it in comedy. You're the reason your parents got divorced. He's gonna live in Philly till he dies of a cheesesteak-related illness. He got cheesesteak AIDS. He got beef cancer.

Yeah. Which is where all of your white blood cells go on workman's comp and then yell at hockey games all day. The official disease of Philadelphia if you're not in the know. Like a baseball player with no hands kind of deal.

What? Oh, Hans Magoo who played for the Yankees first season back in 1923 on a make-a-wish. I mean,

you could just stick a glove on a stump and if you have enough duct tape that'll work. Oh, like you're a bad guy in that Bruce Lee movie

where you just alternate out different fittings and you've got fucking sneaky hands. I played sports growing up're a bad guy in that Bruce Lee movie where you just alternate out different fittings. He's got fucking sneaky hands. I played sports growing up with a kid with one hand. He really did that? He would fucking catch it? You definitely seem like a guy who played sports growing up and never let it go, you know?

Boy, that one was pretty good also. You guys really are the mean guys. Welcome to the mean guys. Welcome to the mean, whoever the fuck you guys are. Shane was kind enough to do our show at Orlebes earlier. Thank you guys very much for coming out. And boy, has he had an ass full of our fans.

As we heard in the car ride over, you were just like, oh, my eight autistic dudes tried to talk to me about Beyblade, and I was just like, I am trying to watch your sports game. I can't talk to any more Bitcoin miners. Yeah, right when I got on stage, I was like, holy shit, you guys have a real fucking garbage fan base. And they kind of laughed, and then they turned on me.

That was how I knew you were the right person for this show, when within 45 seconds, a lady had gotten up, and you were like, shut up, woman. Not even lady, where it's got some fun familiarity. Shut up, woman. Not even lady, where it's got some fun familiar. Shut up, woman. It's to denote that you are of lower rank than me, a man in society, as it should be. I'll forward you some Breitbart articles.

That's basically the tone of your set. You guys are spot on, man. This is crazy. You look so stoked that we're talking to you right now. You guys are like psychics. We're just insecure enough that it's just like turning the fucking mirror outwards.

If we never stop insulting people, we don't have to think about our own faults. All these slams are just negative thoughts about myself that I'm recycling onto other similar people with the same dreams. At any point, me and you can make an alliance against these guys. I just feel like I'm on that cool YouTube show you guys

do where you guys sit in a tent and bother people. Oh yeah, talk boys. Sit in a tent and bother people. That's so fucking funny. I feel like I'm one of those kids. Check out the In No Way Defunct Ha Ha Burn booth. It's definitely coming soon and not at all abandoned in a garbage fire

of broken ideas. That's right next to Crystal Pepsi and the Pet Rock. Burn booth is hanging out on the island of misfit TV treatments. Yeah, exactly. Next to the Jamie

Kennedy Experiments 2001 reboot. Oh shit, I forgot that was a dude. Jamie Kennedy Experiments 2001 reboot. Oh shit, I forgot that was a dude. Yeah, Jamie Kennedy. Yeah, I'll love the Jamie Kennedy. I know nothing about the guy. Dude, fuck Jamie Kennedy. I just took a weird check. Well, Jamie Kennedy is best friends now with my favorite porn

star, or one of my favorite porn stars, Sophie D. And I'm very jealous because I'm like, I'm sure he's fine, but I've got to figure I'm funnier than Jamie Kennedy. Why can't I hang out with some of these guys? He's absolutely horrible. Yeah, he's a butt monster.

Did you see that movie he made? Oh, Heckler. I saw it. I did see that movie. It was insane. Well, yeah, it was him just chasing

down critics and being like, why do you say bad things about Son of the Mask? It's because you made Son of the Mask, you dumb asshole. Yeah, what did you think was going to happen?

It's, oh, it'll be like a Citizen Kane thing. We're down the road. People really appreciate, you know, Dr. Dolittle 3 without any Murphy. We really made some artistic choices. No, you didn't. You're stupid. What I like is, like, I'm going to address this in my straight-to-DVD documentary, Heckler.

Hey, it was on Netflix for, like, three days. Oh, okay. He, like, brought kids back into the green room after his show. And he was like, why'd you guys say that? And they're like, well, you suck. And he was like, well, Oh, okay. He like brought kids back into the green room after his show and he was like, why'd you guys say that? And they're like, well, you suck. And he was like, well, uh-oh.

And they were like, no, you're just not funny at all. Yeah, you're like bad at your passion. So if you could do that less and maybe die, I don't know. Here's what I'm saying.

If you're listening, Sarah J., we need a groupie, all right? And it would add a lot of street cred to the whole Mean Boys operation

if we had one cool porn star lady that would come on the podcast. I gotta get a porn mask. Well, there's a lot of porn coming soon. Oh, yeah, that's a good point. But there's a lot of fucking, there's a lot of porn stars

that are, like, branching out into comedy podcasting now. Like, Lisa Ann's on Gas Digital and stuff. Yeah, and I... You could probably snag one. Yeah, I do feel like I'm too much of a fan of porn, right? I would make it weird unintentionally,

which I would never want to do. But I think I'm smooth enough that I could, like, get over the hump of your fanboying. Yeah, because I would be like, what's Preston Parker really like? I mean, is he the everyman that he's made himself out to be? You want to become like the NPR of porn? Yeah.

I was talking to my buddy about 70s porn, because he was like a Marine in the 80s and the 70s. So he had all that fucking hairy pussy VHS porn. And he talked about it with the fans. I was like, yeah, that's how I remember 2004 to 2008 Bang Bros. I'm just like, man, it was just the perfect amount of video, like digital grain. Like you're talking about a sports dynasty. Yeah, there was just something magical about it.

During that period, it was just some of the most fappable content ever created. Yeah, she was really the Dennis Rodman of getting butt-fucked in the early aughts. Yeah, this is the part of the show my mom probably skips over. All of it?

Yeah. No, I keep hoping my mom will tune out during a particularly swarthy anecdote and then she'll be like, oh yeah, that thing about Keith

and the dog, it's so funny, you gotta keep doing that. God damn it. Although I don't think... I'd like to thank everybody across the fucking United States

who has asked me to tell the dog story again oh yeah and by fucking some beautiful like fate of the universe it was

we were right across a dog store called Doggy Style for the show at our leave so we were talking to some of the listeners outside

before the gig and they're just like oh it was like we planned have you heard the dog story? No, what happened? You fucked a dog?

Wait, didn't I tell the story on stage? No, I was dating the, I actually have to tell it now. Yeah, I was dating a girl and we were dating for like a year

and then she was like, oh, I have like a weird fetish and I was like, cool, let's do it. And it turned out she was into bestiality porn

and so she made me fuck her while we watched a video of a lady getting fucked by a dog and then she was like, hey, I want you to fuck me at the while we watched a video of a lady getting fucked by a dog. And then she was like, hey, I want you to fuck me at the same rhythm the dog is fucking that lady. So it feels like I'm getting fucked by that dog. And I couldn't fuck that fast.

Man, this retarded guy looks like someone took his crayons away. The whole 64 pack. Yeah, so I found somebody who would pet a dog heavier than you. What kind of dog was it? German Shepherd. First one was a German Shepherd. The other breed, I don't remember. I thought it was a Rottweiler.

Wait, there was more than one? Oh, yeah, we did this a bunch of times. Oh, yeah, she would watch one with a black lab. She doesn't do it in her own show. I just found out, I was talking to a couple black guys at the Madhouse, and I said, you guys look like the two black guys in every Sarah J scene, and we started talking about porn, and they're like, yeah, Alexis Texas doesn't do it in her race.

I was like, there's no way that's true. And then I looked it up, and I was was like yeah everyone like gives her shit about it and like yeah she fucks black guys like on the low but she doesn't do it on camera a lot of porn stuff won't do interracial yeah it's weird because i'll read porn comments sometimes and it's like there'll be dudes will be just like yeah she does fag shit because she's doing anal and i'm like who are these weird like puritanical bible thumping fapping, fapping... Ew, that lady got butt fucked? What a faggot. Yeah, it's just like a bunch of...

The Pornhub version of Egg Avatar is being like, This lady's gay because she did butt stuff. I can't support her work anymore on this free website where I'm stealing... That's so insane. Show your work, everybody. The microphone just hit me in the tooth. I enjoyed it. That's because it is clamped to an ironing board.

Yeah, this is it, man. There's no way the audio is not going to sound awful. Yeah, this might be a pretty crunchy episode. Yeah, so enjoy that. I'm trying to keep my hand as still as possible. Yeah, nothing creepier than Tom sitting still. Yeah. You want him to be, like, bouncing around in some coffee.

I'm literally... I know if your body's not moving, your mind is, and that's dangerous for all of us. I'm holding my hand with my other hand to keep my hand still, and it's a lot of hands in that sentence. Say hand again. Hand. Mr. Hand. You know. The horse guy. Yeah. You ever heard the story about Keith and the horse? It's very similar. I know Mr. Hand.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah. You guys have a weird fucking operation here. That's my name, yeah. We brought you to a Holiday Inn Express in northern Pennsylvania to tell you about motherfucking a dog.

You just fucking brought me up here and called me retarded. Yeah, and then there's got to be a statistically listed porn fax for ten minutes. What the fuck? You guys aren't lookers either. You're no guys. This is an ugly bunch. That's why I don't insult people, because you're right. Fire off some first impressions about what's wrong with Connors Fest.

Next to you guys, I'm one of the Oasis brothers. Yeah, because you suck. I didn't have one. This guy's rapid fire. My mouth started moving, and then my brain was like, what have you done? Yeah, at least you show you're smarter than Connor there. Yeah, and then that cheesesteak caught up to you, bitch. Yeah.

Oh, man. Should we get into the Mexican joke? Ay, so topical. Yeah, and then that cheesesteak caught up to you, bitch. Yeah. Oh, man. Should we get into the Mexican Joga? Ay, so topical. Yeah, let's do it. Oh, you don't want to rattle off your first impressions? Yeah.

You look like me if my mom had alcohol, like, what's that? Infant with alcohol? Fetal alcohol syndrome. Yeah, that looks like if I came out worse.

That's about right. Yeah, okay. I heard that. I heard you had actual mental issues, so we're cool. I'm going. I heard you had actual mental issues, so we're cool. I'm going to fuck with you. All you know about Tom really is that he's mentally ill and that he was given a knife recently.

Do you want to see the knife after the show? Sure. I've never seen such fear on a guest's face. Just to clarify, Tom isn't like one of the big dick strong specials. He's just one of the I have trouble doing a simple task specials. No, I did the mental health, mental health shit today. Oh, no, I saw. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I was just talking around. I just wanted to imply that you have a small dick and you don't have dum-dum strength. You have regular old fat guy strength. And a moderate dog, I assume. Connor, you just remind me of like, you know how Daniel Tosh, a lot of people don't like him? Yeah. Or like you would imagine how shitty Tosh would be is what you are. Yeah.

But he's actually a nice guy, but I'm just the worst. You're like what people think of negatively about him is. Yeah, you're like Daniel Tosh's shadow. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Man, I'm just bummed we couldn't get the funny guy from Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast to come do this. No wonder it's a fucking secret in the tent, baby. This is wild.

Dude, oh, yeah, tell us about the podcast a little bit. Everyone, when I was going on the road, I was like, yeah, we're going to all these places. Any good local podcasts, like comedy podcasts. And the only one that came up over and over again was Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast out here in Philly. So I know it's good. Tell us about what it is, basically. Just give us a little elevator pitch. I mean, or is it a us about what it is, basically. Just give us a little elevator pitch.

Or is it a secret? It's a very secret. Because, look, our listeners have a lot of factory job time to kill, and they need something to listen to while they're working the forklift and taking painkillers. Yeah, it's just me and Matt talking. No way. I didn't put that together. Yeah, that's it.

And then it's not very scripted. We just kind of sit down and talk. We're not mean to each other. We're not mean boys. We're very thoughtful. I appreciate you for leaving our brand alone. Nice guys. Yeah.

I don't know. Listen to it. It's called Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast. We just talk shit. It sounds better than what we do. Can I be on it? It's like a knockoff Comptown. Yeah.

Okay, yeah. If you like Comptown, just imagine it's a little worse. That is truthfully how I heard of it. People were like, well, if you're out of Comptown. Yeah. Okay, yeah. If you like Cumptown, just imagine it's a little worse. That is truthfully how I heard of it. People were like, well, if you're out of Cumptown to listen to, it'll kind of like suboxen you through until the next episode. Or see Cola of Cumptown. Okay. And that makes us the Faygo of Cumptown? The Faygo of everything.

We tried Faygo in Detroit. We have so much road shit to catch up on. We'll do it eventually. Yeah, we'll do it. But we've got to do a bonus app later anyway. Somebody will fill in the gaps on some of that shit. The Detroit vlog will have us drinking the Faygo and reacting to it. Yeah, we'll fill in the gaps on the non-felony things we got up to.

Yeah, we drank Faygo and Malort and Pussy Juice. It was a whole evening. All right, I'll take us away. I literally wrote these in Shane's car on the ride over, and I only have three. I'm going to be so mad when yours kill and I wrote mine this morning and they bomb. We can do a three rounder. Alright, yeah,

we'll figure it out. Alex Jones is backtracking now believes that Sandy Hook actually did happen. In a related story, Keith still watched that dog fuck a lady. God damn it!

It's been a lot of the dog. I know, dude. Here's the problem. I am not good at writing jokes and i need to leave i know because every live show i've cracked your code which is like do one joke realize your real ones aren't gonna work and then just lean into references to the dog fucking well dude you know how like i i feel like i've worked hard enough i've done enough horrible one-nighters i've earned the right to pander a little bit when people actually like know who i am slightly

you're pandering at the expense of my dick? Yeah, yeah. Well, you fucking... I like to... I'm making you stronger, all right? I'm making you even more flirtatious and dangerous. Well, I could do it, but you've never fucked anybody interesting.

So what am I supposed to do? That's a good point. But yeah, sorry, man. It is nice to be able... I don't really care. It is nice to be able to go on stage and be like, oh, I hope water and power doesn't show up.

And then have somebody in the crowd go, cheese it! Yeah, cheese it. Yeah, that happened. Barbara Bush died. Apparently she passed away from complications of being too nice to black people.

Oh, shit. No, Tom, I have a follow-up question. What do you think you mean? Okay. There was, everyone's, all right,

I had a feeling this was going to happen. Everyone's freaking out. Everyone's, everyone's all freaking don't feel like this is going to happen. Everyone's freaking out. Everyone's all freaking out because that one person said that she was a racist, and then everyone's now wanting to kill her for saying that because she just died. And it was commentary. It was sarcaserism.

Here's what's amazing is your explanation not only didn't clarify anything, it also added extra layers of shrouding to whatever point you were going to make all right my turn to pop yeah yeah barbara bush is really like if paula dean couldn't cook it's kind of her whole energy see you were holding like an aids baby like that was like a big thing i saw people like sharing like oh she was like cool to aids babies i'm like she didn't know they just handed her a baby and told her later i feel like yeah was it was the baby white? I was about to say, like, she got it. She's like, you don't have a better one?

She's got the look of, like, when Johnny Carson would be handed a snake back in the day. Like, he's being a good sport about it. He's like, oh, my God, I sure wouldn't do this on my own time. Dude, we got to get an animal guy on Mean Boys. A podcast where I just describe a snake. I am the animal guy. God damn it. You're part fucking hippo.

I love animals. Oh, go on, Keith. See, this is why I keep coming back to the dog reference. You keep just dropping lazy hippo jokes like that, like we're seventh graders. Look, man, I've been on 12 great rounds in the past two weeks. Give me a fucking break fucking I'm telling you Alliance Max was only on the 1th grade

oh that was a good one we didn't get that one we missed it alright well here's a bad joke protests have arisen over a surge in sex crimes in India

Indian women are standing up and saying to rapists no thank you don't come again oh man that is dude if you had a time machine and Bill Maher's fax number No, thank you. Don't come again. Oh, man. Dude, if you had a time machine and Bill Maher's fax number.

Make a documentary about that joke, Harry Condor Bob. Oh, my turn. Yeah. All right. A YouTuber is facing jail time for feeding a homeless man toothpaste-filled Oreos. The ruling judge said, this is exploitation, but what the Mean Boys do to Tom Goss still exists in a legal gray area. Wait, they put toothpaste in an Oreo

and just gave it to a homeless guy? Yeah, and like filmed his reaction. That's amazing. That's hilarious. It's like, I'm mad we didn't,

that's great. I don't like it when people fuck with homeless people. I don't either. Okay, but like, here's two things the homeless don't

have access to. Brushing their teeth and eating treats. And we gave them both at once. And you ruin both of them for them. No, not if you... Fine.

You'd be okay with it, homeless guy. Okay. Who's listening to the podcast in this reality. Oh, yeah. The popular internet game Neopets. Do you guys know about Neopets? We do, yeah. The popular internet game Neopets turned out to be affiliated with Scientology.

In other news, ISIS has opened their third Pokemon gym. Cashing in on those coins, baby. There you go. Fuck these guys. That was good. Yeah, yeah. That was good. You ever see somebody still playing Pokemon Go and be like, what's wrong with you?

Yeah, well, the gal that Joel's sister that drove us home, Alexa's sister, oops, sorry, fucking drove us home in Indiana was playing like Pokemon Go in the car and I was like, this is a minivan for your kid. Where do you find the time? You're driving. We're getting milkshakes. What are you doing? Will Ferrell was hospitalized

after a massive car crash in Orange County, California. Critics are calling it the funniest thing he's done in a decade. Will Ferrell's not good anymore. Dude, you showed him. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Do it. Alliance.

Alliance. You just stuttered your way into a high five. Yeah. We're together. We speak the same. You say we're both retarded. We say you're both here.

And yeah, that's what it is. And gay. And you got to deal with it or whatever. However the chance. I'm not giving a chance. Yeah, yeah. You guys, you speak your words.

You go. You go, girl. Go for it. Baby. What the fuck are you talking about? I don't know. Just go, buddy. Are you giving me the special needs talking stick?

Buns of honey, you know? Cinerol. Are these things? No. Yeah, you're doing good, dude. This is good shit. Yeah, there we go. There we go.

Three high fives. Man, we've got a lot of high fives left. Guys, this is doing good, dude. This is good shit. Yeah, there we go. There we go. Three high fives. Man, we're going to have a lot of high fives. Guys, this is the high five record. We just killed a ton of high fives. We're setting the high five record for the mean boys. The special I talk is sick. There's nothing you guys can do about it. It's just a churro that they pass around.

You take a bite and you forget what you're going to say. You can talk less and less each time. And then you go to sleep, yeah. Yahoo and AOL have given themselves the right to read your emails now the corporations will be able to access all the users long form conservative joke forwards that's the only thing people use yahoo we did it again we did it again yeah you're taking credit for our failures that's what you guys do to me you are our failure i crashed and burned my own merit all right no tom what i did is i discovered you, like the exploitative

manager in the Runaways biopic. And I raped you until you were good at podcasting. And now we make $1,400 on Patreon. You're the Joan Jett of dullards. Joan Jett, is she related to Janis Joplin? Who's Joan Jett? No. She was the talking

plane on Thomas the Tank Engine. Was she that girl with the tank that hang out with ice? No, that was Tank Girl. No, Tom, you're thinking of my life as a teenage robot.

The color pony. The flying one. What? The color pony. Are you talking about the black stallion? That's very racist. The thing one. What? The color pony. Are you talking about the black stallion? That's very racist. Are you talking about Ginuwine?

No. Damn, from Half Court Keep. I was talking about that unicorn show, but that's okay. A five-story penis mural is being covered up in Stockholm, Sweden. To make it more appropriate, it will now be covered with a condom. That's cute. I like that one. That's one of the cuter dick jokes.

That's something Banksy would do. It's like their protest mural. He comes and he puts a condom. That's cute. I like that one. That's one of the cuter dicks. That's what something Banksy would do. It's like their protest name really comes and he puts a condom over it. I'm Banksy brained. I will say on the Banksy note

it feels like everything you say should be spoken while you are in silhouette. Here's my favorite thing about this. You saw my stand up and you get to see me transition into what I do

when being voiced and I'm loving your fucking reactions right now. You's my favorite thing about this. You saw my stand-up and you get to see me transition into what I do when being voiced and I'm loving your fucking reactions right now. Yeah, you gotta turn up the dunce. Well, you were saying you were retarded. I was about to say special needs like a faggot.

I was about to be so fucking gay. You were saying you were retarded on stage. I was like, he doesn't seem that retarded. And then you got in my car and in a fucking 15-minute drive ate a fucking hoagie. And a hoagie got into

the trunk. Like that's a scooby knack for a retarded person? You want half a sandwich? On the way to the Holiday Inn? I did good, guys, right? I'm on a big twip. You're too good at doing that voice, which leads me to believe that is how you actually talk.

You're just masquerading as one of us. You daywalker. Yeah, that's my thing. Yeah, wait. What was underneath that jacket in the backseat? Was that a helmet? I think that was a helmet chain. I was a captain of my high school football team.

Yeah, so the CTE. I was a captain of my hockey team. Fuck yeah, dude. Fuck yeah. Fist bump. Three and one. Wow, yeah. I was a captain.

You guys haven't touched hands at all. No. Yeah. I don't need to touch, Carter. Weist bump. Three in one. Wow, yeah. I was a captain of... You guys haven't touched hands at all. No. Yeah. I don't need to touch, Connor. We're game with our minds. Why do you think I have this forehead vein throbbing right now? I'll close it out with a terrible one. A Chinese fugitive was spotted in a crowd of 6,000 people by an advanced security camera.

A proud scientist said it took millions of dollars and years of research, but we finally have the technological ability to tell Asians apart. Yeah, yeah. Zoom and enhance. And then just like a bunch of white people looking at it in the CSI room. Yeah, like a real dark game of Where's Waldo. Oh, the X-Files? Oh, that's right. That was the wrong show. Asians are paranormal. Asians are aliens. You're right. You know what? That was the wrong show. Asians are paranormal?

Asians are aliens. You're right. You know what? That's a real conspiracy. Asians are aliens. Everybody knows that. Well, yeah. How do you think they got so good at laundry?

Ancient Romulan secret, huh? Oh, my God. Where do you think the name Romulan comes from? It's actually Lomurin, but they spell it wrong. Yeah. Well, that was the Mexican joke-off, guys. This is fun. Yeah, this is good. It's actually lamiurine, but they spell it wrong. Yeah. Well, that was the Mexican joke off, guys. This is fun. Yeah, this is good. It's too bad. It's gonna be

completely unlistenable. What I like is we're all talking at ourselves at the same time the entire time, which I think is good. Yeah. I didn't say that to be condescending. I really think it's going great. We'll be right back. I'm sorry. Hey, here's how good of a mood I'm in.

Mr. Ear, how do you feel about studio headphones? I love listening to them with my ears. Listening to the headphones? Yeah, well, you got me. Listening to the innards of the headphones. It's almost like Mr. Ear didn't know what to do when he was actually asked to speak for once in his miserable fucking life. Headphone innards sound beautiful through studio headphones from ooga booga Sweden.

Man, you're lucky that's a white people country. Listen, everybody. Studio headphones are the sponsor of the Mean Boys podcast. These headphones are incredible. They come from Sweden, so you know they're good. How do you feel about Sweden, Mr. Rear? They're great. Oh, good. Good job.

Marketing catchphrase, just steal someone else. Well done, Tony the Windmill. Studio Sweden, they're magically delicious. With your ears. I'm loving it. Kooky phones. I'm wearing the agents. The agents

Yeah Snap, crackle, pop Not in studios This is a disaster No, it's good We gave Mr. Ear an inch And he took a mile No, dude

Everybody loves Mr. Ear Dude, Mr. Ear is a piece of shit Dude, he's doing a whole episode When we get back I hope Mr. Ear gets hit By a fucking bus People have asked For so many years

Over the tour So I've heard So many years? Yeah, so many So over the tour, so I've heard... So many ears? Yeah, so many... So many ears. So many Mr. Ears. And Mr. Ear has nothing but great things to say

about Studio's non-tangle headphones, the cord to the headphones. You can... And there's Bluetooth, and you can't tangle magic. That's right. Sorcery is not spaghetti. No tangles.

It's magically delicious. That is fucking shit. Christ. There's so much battery life. You charge them once, they're good to go all day. They're very comfortable. They sound fantastic. All the bass you need, all the treble you need.

It just sounds good. And you use your your headphones every day and i always say this but it's true invest in yourself give yourself a nice little treat it's going to improve your quality of life i know you've been walking around with that same shitty pair of buds you got from a gas station that you said was just so you can listen to an audio book while you're on the road you're going to your grandma's funeral whatever and then you just never had the self-esteem to replace them fucking head on over to studioswedan.com. Use promo code MEANBOYS. We're giving you 15% off, free shipping worldwide, and treat yourself to something that you're literally going to enjoy every single day.

And helps us out, helps you out, and it's a fine product. With an even better mascot, Mr. Ear. Close us out. Oh, if you love hearing, you'll love Studios. It's terrific. Magically, I got nothing, guys nothing guys it sounds good i seriously wear them a lot uh over my ear my one ear and uh you'll enjoy them as much as i do ear out i'm quitting this all right and we're back uh we're playing a quick game in a second but uh we're talking off

mike about a face transplant oh yeah well i was saying you guys missed a good one this uh this guy i guess like you're keeping up on face transplant this is, yeah. Well, I was saying you guys missed a good one. This guy, I guess... Like you're keeping up on face transplant. This is a particularly gnarly one. This was a nice... Well, anyway, my friend saw it and it literally looks

exactly like me. Oh, really? This guy's gross. That's so good. Post-op face transplant. Like, uncanny. Looks like me. Someone desired your look?

You know what I'm thinking? Somebody had no other option. Someone was stuck. What I'm thinking of is when someone wrecks a shitty car. Hey, I didn't need that alliance. Someone gets an Accord fender bender and they have the white panel and the rest of the car is purple or whatever. Imagine getting a face transplant just of a black guy. And everywhere you walk in, you're just like, I know. They gave me a card to know you.

It was like $3,000 less to do it this way. And I didn't want to get painted. Hey, I didn't need the price. Be bad at them. Yep. Oh, man. That's fucking gnarly. I wonder if like, so if you're getting a face transplant, do they come to you with like three different faces?

It might be. I got to figure there's not that many faces on ice, you know? I feel like every dead person has a face. Well, here's what happens is you get your face torn off and you're sitting in the ICU, like looking like Harvey Dent. And then you're just like, man, do I hope that there's a fucking Jack the Ripper type character out in the streets right now who's operating in cold weather so they can fly in some fucking cheeks for me.

Because nothing you want more than when you get your face ripped off in a nice ass. Right. Yeah. Yeah. Right? Yeah. Yeah. Oh, man. All right. We're going to get into this next game.

This is a game called Is This Domain Name Taken? Oh, fat butt shaking. Oh, yeah. They're a jingle that some guy sent in that makes no sense, but I kind of like.

Yeah, it fits. Yeah, so this is a game where I give you a domain name. You have to tell me if someone has purchased this domain or not. Yes or no game. So, round number one, horse. I give you a domain name. You have to tell me if someone has purchased this domain or not. Yes or no game. So round number one, horse.horse.

Is that domain name taken? Horse.horse? Yeah, yeah. You can get a.horse. What about of course.of course? I'm going to say taken. Yeah, no. Is Mr. Ed also what you called your teacher well because i feel like there's so many weird fucking off-brand people they're just super into

horses and they have to have their own domain by now and if that domain's there then there's horses there too there's a crazy comedian uh whose website is i love miniature horses and every once in a while i'll just like stay up late with Nat Bamel's buddy in Arizona just showing him this guy's crazy writings and horrifying sculptures of monsters and shit. This is a comedian? Oh, yeah. It's a guy named Brent Goodman. And it's just a very deep, dark guy.

Oh, wait. I remember that, dude. Yeah, yeah. And he's just like, I really love bikini models, and I want to own a miniature horse, but I don't have enough land for it, but I will have it someday. We'll make it more miniature. Oh, yeah. A micro horse? Yeah own a miniature horse, but I don't have enough land for it, but I will have it someday. We'll make it more miniature. Oh, a micro horse? Yeah, a micro horse. Dude, Tom, we should start

breeding horses. You're thinking of a dog. Or a macro horse. A big-ass horse? No, a macro horse is smarter than a micro, right? No, macro means big, micro means small. I always fuck up with the chords. They always confuse me because it's like, oh, the micro's this size. Tom, I didn't expect you to nail Latin roots.

A macro USB does not exist. You're thinking about when you dropped your flash drive into your mac and cheese. A Latin root is just a carrot, right? What? Are you saying Mexican people like carrots?

No, I thought you were talking about Rome. Okay, yeah. I thought you were talking about Rome. Okay, yeah. They eat carrots? I thought you were talking about Latin Americans. What the fuck happened?

I feel like the DVD that I'm watching just got scratched and now we're like three scenes ahead and I'm like, wait, when was the guy over there?

Sometimes Tom starts trolling us by acting dumb and then he loses himself. He's like, I actually don't know what direction

I was going. No, I think it's a Tarantino film and it confuses me sometimes. There's a lot of feet, I gotta tell you. Especially when I'm lacking of sleep, and the sleep is of lacking today. And that is

why. So horse dot horse. I mean, horse dot if there is a dot horse, horse dot horse had to be the first thing that got bought. What else would you buy? .horse before horse. The question is, is there a.horse? And I think there is.

No, there is a.horse. There is a.horse. Yeah, because I found out about it because a comic named Jay Weingarten's website was jayweingarten.horse, which I thought was kind of funny. Oh, yeah, I remember that. Yeah, yeah.

So I think it has to be a horse. Horse.horse has to be. There has to be one. Yes. All right, guys. Horse.horse is not taken. What? And not only is it not taken, it's like $8. Dude, I want that.

I will buy horse.horse tonight. That's gonna be my new website. Oh, dude, well, yeah, I gotta get it. I gotta get one of these dumb vans. Fart.lawyer is taken, which is like the best one. What was it? Fart.lawyer. Fart.lawyer. Did the far guys buy it? Yeah, Big Meek bought it. I might buy it from him. But he was posted a screen cap of it.

I think just because people are looking it up from this show, it's gone from, like, you got it for $4, now it's worth $29. So he's like, yeah, I'm doing a pump and dump with dumbass domain names. Pump.Dump. All right, the next one is SE.XXX. So it spells out sex. That 100% exists. Okay. Every combination of, like, geometry that could be about fucking has to already exist.

Well, this is my... The big fucking regret of my life is not snapping up jizz.biz the moment I thought of it. Because it was, like, seven grand, and then I talked about it a bunch. It went up to, like, 14 grand. And now I can... Jizz.b like 14 grand. Jizz.biz? Jizz.biz is a hot cash. That's strong, dude. That's a fucking great idea, right?

That's strong. Is there a.xxx? There is, yeah. Every extension is real. You should go on Shark Tank with just that. I have three words for you, Sharks. Jizz.biz. I'm in. Alright, so fucking Mary Valens Whaler or whatever

I couldn't think of a male name that started with M that wasn't Mark Mike Martin Mollort Mitchell hey Marty Puerto Rico I get the riff you're trying to do

I didn't try to do it. I did it. I landed it. Matt. Macklemore. Tom has just been public m-names this whole time. Mongoloid. Mongolia.

He just took an N off of it. Mongolia Jones. That is Tom in a blaxploitation movie. Mongolia Jones. We have an episode title. Oh, yeah, I guess we do. So, se.xxx, Keith's going taken. Shane, what do you think?

So, XXX is real. Yes, then absolutely. Yeah. You know what? I'm going to go against the grain and say it is not taken. Tom's wrong. It's taken. Hoor taken. Tom's wrong. It's taken. Hooray, Tom.

I thought I had some Mongolia Jones riff going for me, and it didn't work out. You just boom-howered it real hard, my friend. No, it's okay. It was dang old. Tom is what we call vowels only tired. The words are really getting mushed up. All right, the next one.

Childporn.biz. Is that from the game? Oh, shit. Because kids are my business, and business is good. Did you have this before we started? This game? No, this written down, yeah. Yeah, yeah, I wrote this on the train.

Right before we went on, I was telling these guys how fucking hot kids are getting. Dude, there's this fucking nine-year-old or eight-year-old. Oh, fuck. Here's the problem. You need to finish again. True, true, true. All right, there's this fucking kid named Lil Tay on Instagram. She's like a fucking white little girl Instagram rapper.

Let's call her what she is. She's a young woman, and she's beautiful. She's hot to trot, let me tell you. I would... Hey, if you don't want us making jokes about this, don't make your daughter

be an Instagram SoundCloud thot, all right? We don't want to fuck kids, but I think you should pay me. Anyway. Tell me about that website. Well, yeah, you've got to tell us

if that's taken or not taken, but yeah, you're just showing us, like, why are they, like, making this girl be, like, trying to make her hot? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's just kind of gross. Thanks for finishing that for me.

Thanks for not leaving it open-ended. Like, wait, did he just casually say he wants to fuck a nine-year-old? I know, it, trying to make her hot. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Thanks for not leaving it open-ended. He just casually said he wants to fuck a nine-year-old. I know, it's fun to joke about, but I mean, we keep all that shit very hush-hush in real life. We don't go broadcasting our special hobbies. Yeah, there's a reason Connor's so good at that Bill Clinton impression.

Everybody loves Bill Clinton, especially kids born after his reign of terror after his reign of terror his reign of terror that is what it is like he's Sauron yeah you're goddamn right I am

six dickens for the elven elven men one for the dwarves oh that was a crazy time until you won them one for my wife

that one time when we had a kid and no other times ever and then all the rest of them go to kids if you have a Lolita Express i gotta go see mongolia jones i think uh bill clinton's blasting off again steam rocket i think

it's i think it's we keep having this problem where we have to send someone that we're working with a 45 second clip of mean boys that's like you can listen to at work and we're like ah okay that's appropriate yeah what about this one where we're talking about how fuckable bulbasaur is is that okay no okay what about the one where tom has to name 10 jew Jews and it takes him an hour and a half? Really? No, it took me like two minutes. Well, yeah. We said name ten Jews and he goes, Barbara Streisand.

That's a good Jew. And then couldn't name another one for like 45 seconds. Scarlett Johansson, like, she's not a Jew and she is a Jew. And that's right. You can't say Jew with that much salt on it, man. I said it with pride. I am proud. I know of her heritage. You said it with the tone where the tone added the word dirty in front of it.

I meant it as like, I'm proud. I got that Jew. I'm proud. I got that Jew. A Jew may wrangle her. Well, at least I know I'm a Jew. I put a box of gold coins under a bigger box with a stick, and nature took its course.

I forgot in what live show this was at, but at one of the shows I was telling the guys, the people outside, that I was like, had a brief stint in high school where I thought about becoming Jewish because they had the three times you had to apply to become it. I was like, oh, they're the only religion not bugging me. And then, yeah, I'll support their cause, not bug people. You being a retarded SS officer is making me... Scarlett Johansson.

Where are your construction papers? All right, trains! Oh, yeah, he looks at her little, like, armband, like the Star of David so and he scratches it and he smells it and he's like, you're free to go He keeps trying to get on the train What train ride?

He's like, no dude, not this one You want to be in the front, we go in the front He's like, I have an armband too and it's floaties for a pool That actually is what they put on retarded Jews That's true Star of's floaties for a pool? That actually is what they put on Retarded Jews. That's true. Star of David Floaties.

That's Retarded Paul McCartney's band, Water Wings. Retarded Paul McCartney. And say the same to my dad. Let's get some ice cream. What was the domain? The band is very fun.

We're going to the park. What was the domain? Oh, man. Holy fucking shit. My mom gives me a back. Oh, wow. Oh, wow.

Shit. Oh, shit. We're going to get an invoice complaint at this fucking holiday. I'm sure they appreciate the brand name drop. Well, here's the problem. We're supposed to shout him out on the podcast. Thanks to Ignite Hospitality for hooking us in the hotel room.

A guy named Adam does great work. If you're a performer, hit him up. Gives you a the hotel room. A guy named Adam fucking does great work. If you're a performer, hit him up. Gives you a cheap hotel room. You just leave him a yubber view. You shout him out on all your social media. I promise you, this is not where they wanted this to happen. They wanted a nice, clean one in the intro that they wouldn't have to listen to. Hey, you know what's going on?

We're going studio headphones on this thing. No one thought Mr. Ear was moving products, but all of a sudden, he's the Walter White of fucking Swedish audio equipment. What was it? Childporn.party or whatever? Childporn.biz. Ain't no party like a childporn party. No, it's a dippin.party. It's where you get the childporn.

Childporn.biz seems unlikely. I'm going to say not taken. All right, Tom Goss. Here's the thing. I think it not taken. All right, Tom Goss. Here's the thing. I think it is taken. I don't think it's actually like, I think it's an anti-child porn thing where it's like the business of stopping it, you know? I mean, that makes sense.

Like.org was taken, so they went with.biz. That seems like the second most professional. Yeah, but I feel like you would call it like defending the young. There's like some cool name for it. It's not child porn. I think it's real. I think, or it could be one of those government trap websites where they try to get in a watch list.

Like if you're dumb enough to go to childporn.com. We funnel all the kids out to the island. Yeah, so they're going to be following I play like the Jeff

Probst of Kid Fuck. Connor's giving me an extra security for his flight back to LA. I think it's real. I think it's fake, but also you got to,

now that we're talking about it, you got to give child porn guys credit. They're pretty tech savvy. Yeah, I mean, now that we're talking about it, you've got to give child porn guys credit. They're pretty tech savvy. This website, if it was fake, would be designed to trap your dad Googling

boobs. Here's what's funny about it. That's how a dad jerks off. He goes into his den, and he just goes, B, he looks for the O for a second, he hits it, and then he looks for the O again, realizes he just hit it, and hits it again, and he's like, he types B. He looks for the O for a second. He hits it, and then he looks for the O again, realizes he just hit it and hits it again. He's like, oh, fuck, where was B again?

The S is so hard to find. Enter, and then he's like, ooh. But also, whether this is taken or not, this means you typed childporn.biz into your phone on a plane. I did it on a train. You're going to prison. Everybody knows I like mature women, all right? Yeah, fat, mature women. Because I need a motherly figure to take care of me, like mature women. Fat, mature women.

Because I need a motherly figure to take care of me because I'm not responsible. I have no ability to care for myself, and I have very low self-esteem. So if I don't have a matriarch in my life to keep me somewhat attached to society and my duties as a human man who's 25 years old as of a few days ago, then I will crumble inwardly and end up on a podcasting tour. That was very well recited. I'm proud of you. Thank you, Tom. Yeah. So, yeah, that's not taken.

So snap that up for your website, Shannon. Shout out Lil Tay. By the way, first of all, I got to go back to this because this is a bad look. Yeah, she's real hot. She's not. It's just they took one seductive picture of their kid. It's fucking weird. It is weird.

And that's what we're talking. We're not child pornographers. All right. We're just connoisseurs. Guys, this is the episode that we're going to put out. Yeah. Before a big announcement. Yeah.

We're doing another one before then. And I'm sure with Luis Gomez, yeah. Before a big announcement. Yeah. We're doing another one before then. And I'm sure with Luis Gomez, it'll be a lot better. If we do end up getting him on the show. I'm sure that'll be a very PC episode. Whatever, we're doing what we do. If you do start making child porn, though, you could call it Mean Boys and Girls. Oh, shit. Mean Boys with a Z.

It's like, oh, kids love when they smell like you. But the Y is backwards, you know? The Y is backwards? Yeah. The one letter you can't make B backwards? You can make it B backwards.

Yeah. Anyway, sorry. You just can't tell. Okay, so anyway... Jesus Christ. Yeah, we went off the rails real hard here, fam. I sure did.

Vagina dot repair. Yes. People got vaginas. They want to spruce them up. Oh, man. Yeah, the transmission fell out. Yeah, your mom has got to have to, like, you know, like, jack her up on the lift, you know, and they get a bunch of Italian guys with dirty fingers.

Oh, my mom's vagina is more machine than man now. It's twisted. It's like Darth Vader. Exactly. Yeah. She queers. It's just a mechanical hand that she's like holding in the shape

of a pussy I feel like your mom's pussy is just someone making the okay sign so as soon as you like look at her like your pussy she just punches you

my mom's pussy fell out in 1997 they just painted a picture of a pussy on the front of it yeah it's like a cave in a roadrunner thing like if you're tricky

you can like fuck her but then if somebody else tried to fuck behind, it just crashes into it. Yeah. Yeah, I feel like this is some... Meet me. I feel like this is some Motel 6 gynecologist or something.

I think it's real. Motel 6 gynecologist might be the title of the episode. What do you think, Shane? Vagina.Repair? Yeah. Yes. Because Vagina.Med probably got taken. The guy's like, there's repair, there's repurpose.

I'm going to go repair. Reduce, reuse, refuck. We have the technology. Vagina.Repair is not taken. Wow. I am, I think, batting a hard zero right now. Yeah, Shane is batting a hard zero. Look at the little Tay pictures.

She's like a hard eight or nine. Well, yeah, no, a hard eight. I thought you were rating her. No, that's a hard zero. Why is there that calendar where you just keep crossing off days in your house? That's from Bad Baby. That's a different girl. No, wait. Shut the No, wait Shut the fuck up

Shut the fuck up Bad Baby They actually made hot And that was weird She's like a 15 year old SoundCloud rapper Alright, here's the deal

No, fuck you The alliance is over Fuck you Fuck me, boys Fuck you guys These kids are hot They're living in the Wooden bar

They're bringing The freaking kids hot The kids are coming hot They're making their wooden water. They're making the freaking kids hot. The kids are coming hot. They're sanctifying your baby girls. And the only way to stop it is without showing toothpaste. Probably keep it down a little bit. We've got to finish the episode. Holy shit. Man, this is one of the best Mean Boys ever.

The next one, JewTruth.com. That's my website. JewTruth.com. That's my website. JewTruth.com. Just an arrow that points to a picture of the devil, like clip R1 where he's smoking a cigar. And it's question mark, you make up your mind. Yeah, I mean, remember

I said earlier, every combination of sex words exists. Same with Jew. JewTruth.com is real. Yeah, I think it's real. Yeah, Keith, you should really podcast in this position. I feel luxurious. Yeah, you're sitting in a chair. You're just at your most, like... Hello, I'm a French king. Yeah, Keith, like,

nobody does ironic... No one does ironically seductive to the point of it actually being seductive better than you. I know what I do, man. You'll just be, like, eating bugles, like, on a fucking chaise lounge, and, like, some woman will be like, it's kind of working for me somehow. Lean into what works, man. Yeah.

All right, Tom. Oh, I think it's real. Okay. I don't know if it's pro or anti-Jew, but yeah. I mean, I have some guesses. Yeah, that's going to be pretty hard to anti. Well, yeah, Jew truth, you don't buy that just to be like, they're neat. Truth is, they're pretty great to me.

That would be a funny gig is just get all these domains that sound like they're anti-Jew and just make them very pro-Jew websites. Okay, that was my riff. Do you think it's taken? I think it's taken, yes. All right, JewTruth.com is taken. Cool. Now, what about HellIsReal.com?

I know for a fact that that's real. Yes, I've seen billboards for it. Yeah, I've been doing a bit about it. Okay, well, that's not taken. Really? Yeah, it's not taken. Well, I have a whole line in the joke about how there's no website on the bottom of it. No, yeah, we drove past that billboard and we were like, what's the product here?

Yeah, for anybody who wasn't at the show, it's just a two-story billboard that just says hell is real in Indiana. And you're like, yeah, we know. All right, and the next one, in honor of Keith's mother's new career path. Shit. Nazi.yoga. You don't know this. My mom both was married

to a Nazi and is currently a yoga teacher. Nazi yoga. Oh, don't get all uppity now. I'm just trying to think of a funny yoga pose that would involve

genocide. I don't like that I'm getting texts like this. I'm getting a text from a much more successful comedian that says, do you know anyone in Echo Park that sells Molly? This is my buddy, and I'm just like, I don't know who they do Molly. I'll tell you soon. But Nazi.Yoga.

It's Joe Rogan. No, it's not. I've never read it. I feel like Joe Rogan makes his own Molly at the back of his toilet. Toilet Molly? Makes Pruneau Molly. The one time I met Rogan,

we were all in a circle. I was talking with some other people and he just came over and they're talking and he just kept looking at me like, who the fuck are you? I never even made an attempt to meet him. Oh, yeah. No, I just backed out.

That dude is the shortest, most intimidating short guy I've ever met. Oh, yeah, because he very clearly does not want to be fucking bothered. And we have enough mutual friends. I'm sure I could go say hi. He's very nice. I'm just like, why would you do that?

Yeah, Rogan's a dude who I think is great, but I have no desire to ever communicate with. We have nothing to discuss. Yeah, yeah. I can talk about kicking with him. Yeah. Yeah, you guys both do MMA and are kind of retarded, so that could be a good conversation. Yeah. What is it?

The fucking Nazi.yoga? Nazi.yoga, yeah. Yeah, that's got to be real. I. What is it? The fucking Nazi.yoga? Nazi.yoga, yeah. Yeah, that's got to be real. All right. Hang on. I think it's fake. Not taken. I think it's fake.

All right, not taken. Not taken. Yes. All right, and finally, how much is leather.shop worth? I think you already did this one, didn't you? No, I didn't. I've done a lot of different.shops.

Leather shop or chop? .shop. Like buying things. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, you get what a shop is. You're a cool guy. Yeah, I'm what a shop is. You're a cool guy. Yeah, I'm a cool shopping guy. You know like the food shops you frequent so much on account of your girth?

I'm going to frequent one of these after this. I think it's 83-43. Okay. Are you sure it's not 14-88? I was going to say in honor of Nazi yoga, I'm going to guess 14-88. Okay. All right, Shane. What am I guessing?

How much is leather.shop worth? How much is the domain name worth? Just say a number. This game petered out, dude. $1,888. Okay. All right, Shane. What am I guessing? How much is leather.shop worth? How much is the domain name worth? To buy the domain. Just say a number. This game petered out to you. $1.99. Okay, it's $14,000. I'm trying to survive.

Do I win? No, you said it was... Yeah, $1,488. Oh, yeah, you said $8,343. Oh, I thought you said $1,488 isn't $14. I'll be straight up and down with you. I intentionally left it vague so I could lie and say the punctuation mark was wherever it would make me win. Yeah, so now Keith won the very serious game, and he wins the prize of being called fat and gay.

Indeed. I'm going to enjoy my holiday in Express Throne over here. You can collect your winnings now, you fat gay lord. Indeed. Enjoy those. It's good to be the fat gay king. Those aren't taxable, so go ahead and revert those to the fat irs the separate institution that handles all the fat taxes uh the mean boys podcast will be right back the chafed thigh rs

the mean boys podcast is brought to you as always by don carlos taco shop in la jolla california conveniently located across the street from the la jolla Comedy Store. I forgot what we were doing for a second. Dude, Mr. Mouth loves the... Sorry. No, we already have a shitty mascot for this one, don't we? Oh, that's right. I forgot I do this sometimes. Hello, it's me, the Taco Monster.

Hey, Taco Monster. You sound like a Nick Kroll character. I love going to hotel rooms at 1230 in the morning and getting our room taken away. Now we have to find an Airbnb of a trailer because I wanted to be racist during the burrito ad.

Anyway, Doc Carlos is pretty good if you like burritos. Go to eataborrito.com to see what they have. You probably could guess, but if you want to be specific, you could go there. And burrito like a ninja. but yeah seriously great burritos they also cater events so if you're having a party in the san diego area and you're not showing up with a big cooler full of hot don carlos burritos what the fuck are you doing man everybody does the party sub everybody does the

pizza show up with a fucking trunk full of meat if you be a. Be a hero. If you cater with Don Carlos, I will go to your party whether you invite me or not. They're fucking fantastic. Tom is the trunk full of meat we travel with. Dude, I eat burritos just about every day

and I've never had a better one than at Don Carlos. So go check them out if you're in the area. And yeah, Mr. Mouth, take us away. Ah, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, good. Goodbye.

Quong. And the Mean Boys podcast returns. Ah, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, good. Goodbye. Quong. And the Mean Boys podcast returns to play a round of our favorite game, which is the following. Woo-woo. Boo-boo. Bum-bum. This game is very simple, Shane. We take a subject. You get four things.

Three of them are real. One of them are fake. You're trying to suss out the fake one. This game comes to us from one of our listeners, at Tarantula, with a T, so P-T-R-A-N-T-U-L-A. Like a pterodactyl tarantula? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Dude, I kind of love that. It's kind of cool.

All of our listeners have obscure D&D monster manual Twitter handles and shit. I saw your audience tonight. Yeah. So, greeting boys, I mean. Today we revel in one of Karnak's favorite easy listening groups, Cannibal Corpse. Through a close second to Celine Dion,

these tunes still work to soothe the bloodfeaster's nerves on After a Hard Day of Punishing the Cunts of Humanity, which of the following is not a Cannibal Corpse song? I like when the listeners whack poetic before the game.

So here's what's interesting. We've already done a Cannibal Corpse round, and I don't remember any of the fucking things. Oh, it was so long ago. Yeah. Yeah already done a Cannibal Corpse round, and I don't remember any of the fucking things. Oh, it was so long ago. Yeah. Yeah. What's Cannibal Corpse?

It's the gnarliest metal band ever. I thought so. They eat people, and they're dead. All right. They're a very good band. They're actually pretty normal. When you read interviews, they're pretty normal dudes. They're just like, yeah, we like to do extreme art, and some people don't like that, and

we respect it. Then you listen to them, and they're just like, I'll rip you with a knife. They're just like the Mean Boys. Oh, they rip, dude. They're just like, yeah, we like to do extreme art and some people don't like that and we respect it. And then you listen to them and they're just like, I'll rip you with a knife. So they're just like the mean boys. Oh, they rip, dude. Yeah, yeah.

I'm going to win this game. Wait, what was I going to say? Yeah, you're the only one here who has a memory. Well, and who

listens to Cannibal Chorus. Oh, okay. Yeah, it's too scary for me, man. Yeah. I mean, Connor just kind of likes funky

jams for the most part and then like a little bit. I got you to the Misfits. That was about as far down the metal hole as I could get

you. Yeah, because metal I'm not even a huge metal guy. I like some of that the Misfits that was about as far down the metal hole as I could get you yeah cause metal I'm not even a huge metal guy I like some of that like super brutal like grindcore shit see the only metal song I really like

is Heavy Metal by Sammy Hagar I fucking love that song that's the least metal thing that exists I know but it just it makes you just think about like a bad ad

here's your boy take it to me in a molding cut off jean shorts your dad used to figure you mounded the song I've been high on some bad meth Truckin' was cool in high school With Miss David Lee Roth

So without any further ado, which of the following is not a real cannibal corpse song? A. Head shoveled off B. Post-rectal evisceration Yoinks. I had one of those. Back in the Navy. C, monolith. What the fuck was that?

I'm doing a bad joke on purpose. Shut up, Tom. Or D, scattered remains, splattered brains. I do like the rhyme scheme. Shit, I actually don't know. That's some shit that Eminem would say deep into it. Like on the Marshall Mathers LP, too.p2 like yeah splattered paint scattered remains still trim is insane i'm i'm woke now whatever his whole deal is okay i've been listening i've

been getting pumped up to a lot of like uh like early 2000s eminem lately and uh i was great it's so great i try to like sometimes i think like no that's i gotta be cooler than that and i'm like no i'm not he not. He's fucking bad ass. As long as you don't listen to his current shit, it's all fucking groovy. His new album sucks pretty bad.

Yeah, the new one sucks. I mean, I like, you know, like, Rap God. I like some of the shit. Oh, that album was good. That album was pretty good. The one after that. That album is half and half.

I even kind of like some of the shit on Real Abs, if I'm being honest. Yeah. Like, Hello is good. Like, Crack a Bottle, it's a bad song,

but it's fine. I really don't think it's a bad album until this most, the revival. I disagree. Yeah, Hello is good. Crack a Bottle, it's a bad song, but it's fun. I really don't think he's made a bad album until this most revival. See, I disagree. Some of them are pretty mixed bags. Mixed bags, but pretty full-throttle. Here's the thing. His old album was just every single song is something you could listen to,

except for Kim, but that's because it's supposed to upset you. Yeah, Kim is pretty rough. And it's not bad. It's just devastating to listen to because people are dying and you're molestered and all that shit. Molestered. That's the best verb you've ever created.

Oh, my dad always said that. Molestered. Tom, you're gonna get molestered. You go out dolled up like that. But dad, I love wearing a hockey jersey with no bottoms like some kind of dumb, dumb Donald Duck character That's Canadian Winnie the Pooh It's Winnipeg the Pooh

Bang, bang, bang Pow, pow, pow I'm going to say, can you read them one more time because I lost track Yeah, A is head shoveled off B is post rectal evisceration C monolith or D scattered remains splattered brains It's either B or D A few excitedcedrin tablets

short of a full medicine cabinet I feel like my head has been shredded like lettuce and cabbage Damn I fucking love M&M's I'm gonna say B Fucking post-rectal

I'm gonna say I'm gonna say A Whatever my mom did this weekend I feel like they have other shovel-based songs Keith's mom not my mom

and I think I think that's not this isn't one of the shovels. Cool, man. I stopped listening to you for a second. I tuned back in. I was like, oh, this is the best thing I've ever heard.

Dude, his logic's great. I understand everything you're putting out. Dude, see? We are connected. So my theory was true. Yeah, I speak down. D, I'm going to go D. Well, you should start speaking up and tell us which...

Okay. All right. God damn it, dude. Shut your fat gay mouth. Tom, you're sleeping outside like a bad cat. All right. The fake one is B, post-tractal evisceration. Blah, blah, blah.

Well, you're an expert in that, dude. Yeah. Yeah. I think it's totally eviscerated all the time. My shovel logic was off. You know the ones that are attached to man's. Man's? The Isle of Man?

Yeah. Isn't that where you can fight to the death? Yeah. Let's do a Mean Boys death match. Like, we'll do, like, a fight. Yeah, no, not us. Like, other dudes. And we'll just do the commentary.

Oh, that'd be... Oh, we can go narrate, like, human death matches in the Isle of Man? The Ayatollah. I mean, it's Toyota Corolla. The Rippinist. The Rock Corolla. The Rippinist. The Rockinist. The Stephen Hawkinist. Some dude in a wheelchair.

He gets a gun, though. Don't worry, he can only use his left hand a little bit to move the joystick. The joystick? It's not really a joystick if you're in a wheelchair. It's more of a necessary part of my routine. It's an obligation stick. Yeah, my go-go stylus.

Round number two. A, I will kill you. B, nothing left to mutilate. Oh, that's sad, Cannibal Corpse. I'm sorry. C, landslide of human entrails. Or D, brain removal device. Entrails or entrails?

Entrails. Okay. What do you think entrails? Well, I thought you said M, and I was like, ah. What is this? or N-trails? N-trails. Okay. What do you think M-trails? I thought you said M. I was like... A was I will kill you. Okay.

I think it's A. Okay. What was D? Don't say that like you're sly. Brain removal device. You know that thing they tested on you? Oh, that got real. Well, it worked, but it also took his dick.

Tom ain't got no dick. That's why Tom is built like some kind of psychotic Barbie rooster character. I think it's D. Okay. Do I have a reason? D wasn't the last one, and all of these words sound the same to me. D is a letter that I know. D is not Y, and that is...

Stop trying to own it. Yeah, you're not going to fucking... You guys can't take everything away from me. Yes, we can. I have no dick. I have no sexuality. I have no place to sleep. Fuck off, you guys.

You should finally bust in Tom's brain. Tom, I was just kidding about most of that stuff, except for your dick. You witnessed the last Mean Boys ever. Alright, Shane. I forgot, but it doesn't matter. A. I know your name's Shane, but I keep wanting to call you William, and I don't know why.

I keep wanting to call you Gilligan for some reason. My last name's Gillis. That's probably it. Sorry to call you Gilligan for some reason. My last name's Gillis. Yeah, that's what it is. Sorry. You got Gilligan swag. Could you talk into the microphone like you've broadcasted before? Let's see. Lance, let it be. You're a dickhead, but yeah.

I'm ahead of these fucking cunts. Yeah, we just saw Gilligan. Yeah, do that. We saw Gilligan want to leave right there. Dude, we're kidding. I'm sorry. Don't fuck with me, dude. I'll go eat another cheesesteak in your fucking car, bro. I'll fucking wipe my hands on the seat.

I would have shared with you. Bro, I put a booger in your cup holder. I fucking felt like I should wait until I did an actual run. That was his nine-year-old girlfriend. Yo, little boog. I'm a boog man. Fuck you guys. These kids are hot.

Well done. Horny for these babies. Oh, that was one of my old bits. Oh, horny baby.

My impression of a horny baby is, I want to make a cum. Make me do a cum now. Put a cum in me with your soft

friend. That was like a that was like a connor's been doing comedy for five months that's one of my favorite jokes to quote to people oh yeah

that's a good bit it's kind of funny still uh round number uh three a festering parasite wounds b i cum blood

that's called an infection uh not according to cannibal corpse okay cannibal corpse md where i get all my health news. Taken.

Or I type in my symptoms and I say, lonely. And they say, kill your school. I'm sorry, no case of blood made of knives. Is it Cannibal Corpse lightning round? It's like sickle cell for white people as you have knife blood. Cannibal Corpseitis. You've got to be confused with cheesesteak AIDS where all your white blood cells go in workman's comp from earlier in the episode. Okay, so festering parasite wounds, eye cum blood, entrails ripped from a virgin's cunt,

and vector of cruelty. I know this one, so I'll pass on. Okay. I think I know C is taken. Or not taken. Yeah. Real. Tom just caught up to the last game.

I hear A, B, and D. Damn it, Tom. Yeah, festering parasite wounds, I come blood, and vector of cruelties, A, B, and D, respectively. I think vector's too complicated a word for them. I feel like they haven't gotten to the Vs yet. I'm going to go with that one. Like they're reading the dictionary like one gnarly letter at a time. Well, they got to B, and they got to blood, and then that handled most of the 80s. Dude,'re reading the dictionary like one gnarly letter at a time. Yeah, well they got to B and they got to blood and then that handled

most of the 80s. Dude, what's the dictionary of hardcore? Okay, so it's anal, butts, that blood, culos,

donks. No, this is just the dictionary of bang bros. I'm just doing, I was trying to do a bit where I made it all butts but I got stuck on E.

Yeah. Irma Gerd, that's a big butt. Fucking ass, bro. Ga-donk, ga-donk. Gabooty. Hot diggity donk. Yeah. William, what do you think?

Insert wieners into this butt. Yeah, sorry. This bit petered out. A. Okay. A. It's A. All right, yeah, it's A. blood. Yeah, sorry. This bit petered out. A. Okay. A. It's A. All right, yeah, it's A.

You got one, dude. It's weird because I did make the last Cannibal Corpse game and I remember a lot of things from that. Oh, sorry. That's good. Maybe we're doing this at like Midnight in a Hotel

and everyone kind of did their best. It's fine. We're having a good time. Everybody did their best. This is a good riff sesh. We're session riffs here. All right, so. Sorry.

One more. Frantic Disem riff sesh. We're seshing riffs here. All right, so... Sorry. One more. Frantic disembowelment, dead human collection, slain, or drenched in vaginal blood. Ooh. Sounds like my

Wednesday night, fellas. Am I right? The old lady was having a visit from her aunt Flo. And she stabbed her in the cunt. There we go.

Now it's Tom Brand. She's got issues over here. Well, the last one they said cunt, right? Yeah, but I feel like they might use cunt more than once in a song title. So I think vaginal blood is fake. I think they would go with... See, cannibal corpse will alternate a lot between medical terminology and, yeah, you know, hammer up my butthole or whatever. Like, they'll really fucking bounce back and forth.

Yeah, between Key's dream journal. What was D? D was drenched in vaginal blood. I'm going to go with D. I'm going to go... Sorry, read them one more time, very quick. Frantic disembowelment, dead human collection, slain, drenched in vaginal blood. B.

I think dead human collection. It's too nerdy. Collection. You know? That's a good point. What are they, stamps? Yeah, but metal dudes are nerds. Sure, but yeah, I mean, I'm going the collection.

I don't like that you're drifting into NPR voice here. I don't think that. They're not a collecting bunch. They're losing stuff. I'm going the collection. I don't like that you're drifting into NPR voice here. I don't think that. They're not a collecting bunch. I'm going D. Yeah, Tom's wrong. It's D, drenched in vaginal blood. That's what I said. I don't know.

They might say cunt instead if they wrote that. Damn it. I should have trusted my first thought. Some sound reasoning happening here. And finally, all real or all fake. A, pit of zombies. B, sanded faceless. C, to decompose.

Or D, shredded humans. Get the shredded humans and you know it. Shredded humans is CrossFit, right? Frosted shredded humans. Fake. Frosted shredded mini Heaths. Dude named Heath. Yeah.

You're Heath yeah you're Heath because you're a cannibal keep going hey Sean you ever heard the story about Keith and the cannibals this is a real one actually no what's this

I went I did a show at a birthday party for this guy and it was like a BDSM dungeon at the end they showed us a video

of the show there from the night before and it was a lady consensually having part of her leg cut off and eaten like cooked up on stage and eaten

and yeah they were like sharing it around. It was like a chunk the size of a deck of cards. Good lord. Not that thick, about like that. So it was just like skin and fat. This was a birthday party.

Yeah. He's a very cool, mildly famous man. He fucking made some shit happen. Yeah. Yeah, and I've been arguing forever with people about whether or not I should have eaten the leg if I was there. You should have.

You would have eaten the leg. No, you shouldn't have done it. You should have fucked that lady while you looked at dog porn, you fucking animal. Yeah, do it to a kid like a normal. Imagine a kid's hot. Like a normal piece of Pennsylvania trash. I'm going to say I'll fake. You said real?

When you get caught with child porn, you're like, no, the agent talked here. I'm going to go real. They're all real. Those are all real, guys. We did it. Fuck. I would have said fake, but you said fake. I was like, I'm going to go against the grain.

Nice. And the grain went with me. Yeah, because Tom usually loves grains. I mean, most podcasts will be right back. Wait a minute. We have this structure of integrity. Let's fucking land this plane be right back. Wait a minute. We have a loose structure of integrity. Let's fucking land this plane. Yeah.

I'm a cone. I get it. People, we've got to move away from the cone. Cone zone. I got you. Welcome back to the cone zone podcast. That is my idea for an ice cream parlor. And what it will be, instead of advertising the ice cream, we're going to make different stylish kinds of cones.

Oh, yeah, Tom. Yeah, you want to have like, ooh, you can get a peanut butter cone. Yeah. Or like a waffle cone. Or like a chocolate cone. We're talking

new experimental this is brand new. Like an all vanilla fucking, all vanilla cone. No actual cone in it. Just a cone shape made out of

hard vanilla. Wait, Tom, Tom, Tom, Thomas. Vanilla what? Stuff. Tom, what do you think vanilla is?

Like you make a mold out of white chocolate. But that's not vanilla. White chocolate is vanilla. There's no such thing as white chocolate. No, I was thinking it was like... White chocolate is vanilla. There's no such thing as white chocolate. No, there is. You're like straight up wrong. You're absolutely incorrect. Tom, you're going to be mad.

Well, Tom, you can go Google that. Tom's walking away from the show to Google the process of white chocolate baking. Tom, that is one of the... Tom is kidding. You ever said... Wednesday is white chocolate. White chocolate. It's vanilla.

The only thing you're thinking of is vanilla. And also, vanilla's not like a solid product. Yeah, and it's just a flavor. It comes from a leaf or something. A bean. Oh, yeah, a bean. You Yeah, it's just a flavor. It comes from a leaf or something. A bean. Oh, yeah, a bean. You know, one of them fart leaves. Tell us what a great name you require.

Because your regular face, like, not finding fruit. What are you Googling? It's something... Child porn, not being said. He's Googling something that's not in the way. So, it is... There's cocoa in it, but it's usually, it's cocoa and vanilla. It's flavored with vanilla, right? I'm not disputing that, but it's not a brick of vanilla.

It does not exist. That's what you are. It's base. It's base. I made a fucking hard vanilla. Yeah. Hard vanilla from the tart gorilla.

Also, taste-wise, it's closer to vanilla than chocolate. Stop trying. You've got to stop. I'm not wrong on this one. There's a cocoa base in it, but it isn't chocolate. That was the argument.

It's a piece of chocolate, and not a piece of chocolate. Not a piece of hard vanilla. Tom, take me out, my dude. I can't smell vanilla without two bells. You're like, oh, we're going to have new exotic cones. Like what? Vanilla.

The most exotic. What else? That's it. Okay, just one big sprinkle that we hollow out with a machine lathe to shape into a cone. I'm going to make the world's biggest sprinkle. The biggest sprinkle as big as your head. At the cone zone. Would you guys, like, when we eat chocolate, most of it. It's a little like we get together as boys and eat chocolate together.

We go crush some marshmallows. We get done with the show and just fire up the fondue pot. That's our, like, fucking rock star after parties. Have you guys ever had, like, pure chocolate? A couple nights ago, but... Yeah, I haven't, no. Yeah, have you? Probably not.

It's more bitter than coffee. When you eat chocolate, it's not going to be fun to defend this, even though I'm more correct than you guys will think. Tom, there's vanilla in it, and you're slightly correct. Yeah, if I just say, okay, can we move off of this? It was just so funny. Sure, sure, sure, sure. No, no, no.

You guys are very funny. I actually didn't know that there was vanilla in white chocolate, so everybody learned something today. Stop pandering to me. Let's play the games. Caleb Olsen asked, did Keith survive the Philly cheesesteak challenge? No, I didn't do it, because we got here like three in the afternoon,

and I went through fucking the Midwest and ate too much beef, and if I would've done three today, I would've died. So, sorry. I failed. I'll eat something else when you're three people. I had a chicken and if I would have done three today, I would have died. So, sorry. I failed. I'll eat something else weird for you people. I had a chicken one. I could have done that shit. I could have done that. In hindsight, it was more doable than I thought.

I could have done it if I had a whole day to do it. Right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. What else? I was just eating three sandwiches. Very good, Tom. Speaking of which, at Eelbrain, who I don't think I've tweeted at before.

What up? Says, what's the worst thing you guys have eaten on tour so far? Ooh. Shit. Tom made something called a fish dog in Washington, D.C. last night. It was delicious. I loved it. I didn't even hear about this.

Yeah, it was just a fried fish and a hot dog presentation. It sounds like Tom trying to describe a mermaid. It's a hot dog and a what? It's presented like a hot dog, but it's a fried fish instead of a hot dog bun. It was actually, the way they did it up was very tasty. That sounds actually pretty good. It was very good. Yeah, no, that doesn't go on the bad list at all.

I'm trying to think. I mean, there's a go-to, like McDonald's is disgusting. Nah, I mean, yeah. They want, yeah. So I'm sorry to interrupt, but the question is the worst thing you guys have eaten on tour? Yeah. No, for me, it was definitely the soup. The soup was fucking brutal.

Oh, that's right. Yeah. Yeah. Mine is probably still the mullard. Yeah, that's not really a food the soup. The soup was fucking brutal. Oh, that's right. Yeah. Yeah. Mine is probably still the Malort. Yeah. That's not really a food, but... It tasted like a food. Not a good one.

Isaac Herster says, fuck yeah, Shane is great. So, there you go. Yo, Shane. He's a Jew. I had a burrito I didn't like. That's pretty much all the good tweets. What do we have in the emails? Oh, we got one.

And he put a non-anonymity, nah, fuck it. So, we're going to give him a shout out. Crespo Batalon writes, hey, Mean Boys, I went to your show in Pittsburgh got one, and he put a non-anonymity, nah, fuck it, so we're going to give him a shout-out. Crespo Batalon writes, hey, Mean Boys, I went to your show in Pittsburgh last night, and holy shit, I must be the first person to ever get laid, mostly due to a Mean Boys show. Yeah, dude. I'm the Judge Grimace guy, and the guy who talked to Keith about punk and told him about Not Half Bad. Hell yeah. But anyway, thanks, guys.

It had been a while. Dude, that's fucking bananas. Oh, yeah, no, because that was one of my selling points. I was like, yeah, you know, come out and have a good time. You might get laid. And comedy is a good activity if you're trying to fuck afterwards. Yeah. And I say this just as, like, you know, someone who wants people to patronize live stand-up more often.

It really is. Yeah, it's the most fuckable of, like, date activities. Here's the thing. Our job as comedians is really to do verbal foreplay for you guys. That's really what we're doing in a lot of ways. Come to the show and let us get your day wet. Get to party.

Well done, Crespo. I think we had one more email I wanted to read, but it might just have to wait. I think that's the podcast, guys. Let's wrap it up. Dude, Shane, thank you so much wait. I think that's the podcast, guys. Yeah, let's wrap it up. Dude, Shane, thank you so much for hanging out with me. What's your podcast called again? Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast.

Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast. Where can they follow you on Twitter and everything? Shane M. Gillis. Nice. Yeah, we'll have a link to the show notes, so you can just tap the screen, fucking click on over there, subscribe, go fucking check their shit out.

It comes to me very highly recommended by all of my favorite open micers in Los Angeles I knew this guy from Baltimore fuck yeah dude yeah it's great having you on the show this has been a blast this is a great episode for us and I hope you had a good time fuck yeah you guys are great thank you

yeah come out to our live show in New York City April 28th that's our last Mean Boys show at the tour we'll all be doing stand up around town but if you're gonna pick a show to see please come see us at the Creek in the Cave on the 28th at 10th. That's our last Mean Boys show at the tour. We'll all be doing stand-up around town, but if you're going to pick a show to see, please come see us at the Creek in the Cave on the 28th at 10 p.m. We're recording a live Mean Boys there. Live Mean Boys.

Dominatrix has been set. I've been writing down a lot of problematic new names. Everything's going to be good. I think that's it, right, guys? Yeah, let's wrap it up. Check out the vlogs. We haven't already. If you skip the intro, you've got to...

Yeah, the vlogs. Thank you to all the people who start following our YouTube page. The Detroit vlog should be up by the time this comes out. Cool, cool. I'm going to say I think that's it, and then you guys plug five more things, okay? All right. I think that's it. Okay, so, yeah, Keith's mom is a Nazi.

He fucks dogs. Well, that gives you four holes to plug. Me and Connor will be at the Carmen Bar May 2nd. Come on out to that. Keith will not be there. No, Keith's not coming. Ramsey will be there the Carmen Bar May 2nd Keith will not be there Ramsey will be there All the good mean boys Me, Keith, Ramsey We're flying Shane out

Can we please not do this anymore? Yes Fuck everything, God is dead Outro Music