Mean Boys - EP 124 - The Best Of Mean Boys Vol. II

Episode Date: April 23, 2018

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Hey everybody, welcome to the Mean Boys Podcast. You accept the clip show you think you deserve. I'm Connor McSpadden. I'm Keith Carey. I'm Tom Goss. And this is the Best of Mean Boys. Part 2. Yeah, that felt real lame doing that that was a little embarrassing lame ass welcome to corporate boys yeah we're uh we're recording this at uh stand up new york labs uh out in new york city very generously uh giving

us their studio space in this fucking swanky environment so check them out we just talked to uh john the uh the kind of uh owner operator and he's just got the fucking right idea about everything this place rules it's insane being in like a real professional studio after recording in our dumb fucking crack going from the ironing board to like a podcast studio with like murals and like working microphones i feel like an abused pit bull that was like adopted by a rich family and it's like i'm so overwhelmed by the generosity i want to bite someone oh yeah and this is like oh this is where john biden does call-ins you know when he has to talk to and it's just like oh okay well we're doing this thing called the fudge lord uh if you guys are into that i'm also enjoying that we have an engineer here helping us out and uh i basically told him thank you this is going to be

the most boring episode to hear us record because it's just us throwing to funny shit we did in the past. And also we can finally announce this is our first episode as part of the Starburns Audio Podcast Network. That's right. We've been teasing this for a while. It's insane. We are legitimized. Yeah, I know. So we finally sold out, everybody. It only took two and a half years of food stamps and negativity until the fucking big, big fat cats.

Big podcast. The big fat cats in Burbank took notice. Just to be clear, we're still very negative and very on food stamps. Oh, yeah. We're all dying. So hit that Patreon up. Five bucks a month weekly bonus content. Ten bucks a month weekly monthly goodies.

But, yeah, Starburns, all those guys were fucking awesome. We've kind of been approached by people about shit like that before. But just talking to the dudes over there, the show's not going to change. It's going to be the same dog shit hour of nonsense every single week you come to know and love. I just want to make a point. If you're somebody who's been listening to the show for a while and you listen to the best stuff, thank you because you're the reason we were able to get on Starburns. Oh, yeah. listen to the best of. Thank you because you're the reason we were able to get on Starburst. Yeah. Thank you. Because we walked in there and they're like, wow, you guys, it's crazy how much people give a shit given how relatively small your audience is.

Yeah. So we kind of showed them the numbers and they're like, well, you have this many dedicated. Yeah. So as much as we mock you for being autistic nightmare people and sending us too many emails, it got us a pretty sweet gig. Yeah. It really worked out in our favor. And also, you guys are only really autistic nightmare people on the internet.

After meeting you guys, fucking thank you again for coming out to all the live shows. You guys are fucking awesome. We've met so many insane human beings, and we will be catching you up on all of them. The amount of cool guys who work at factories. Yeah, but this is going to be our best of show. We're going to be having some of our favorite sketches, some of our favorite moments, some highlights from some of our segments. And if you've never listened to the show before, since we will hopefully be getting a lot of heat from the old Starburns bump, the show is kind of like a late-night show in audio form.

It's sort of a variety show. We like to tell topical jokes in the beginning. We do sketches, games, desk pieces. And it's basically like morning radio and late night with all the dumb, shitty parts cut out, you know? And then there's a lot of shit about, like, fucking a Venusaur in the middle. Yeah. Yeah. It's straight up filthy and kind of retarded.

And we have a really fun time doing it. Semi-offensive. Yeah. We also say retarded a lot. Oh, yeah. Well, why bury the lead? Yeah, yeah. So if that's not for you, it's a surprise.

I'll save some of the heavier slurs for later in the best of. Yeah, just send the tweet now and tune out because it's not getting better. So we're going to open this bad boy up the way we always do with some of our favorite topical jokes from the past 60 episodes or so. The segment we like to call the Mexican joke off. An 842 pound man died during the filming of a reality show. As a result, the new season of Really, Really, Really Big Brother has been shelved indefinitely. For the first time ever, Saudi Arabian women are being allowed to watch soccer games inside the stadium. When asked how she liked the game, one Saudi woman said, quote,

This shit is so gay, my clit just cut itself off. All right. Elon Musk has claimed wars in the future will be over technology. cell phone. Elon Musk has claimed wars in the future will be over technology. The South is already doing reenactments of Robert E. Laptop's fight to banish all of the Blackberries. Robert E.

Laptop. I saw that story too. God damn it. A Canadian man died unexpectedly after inhaling airborne nut particles used in sandblasting. His best friend held him as he died in his arms and said, Damn, bro, I thought you loved nut particles. Yeah, I saw airborne nut particles and I was just picturing a dude getting dunked on, you know, and they fucking hit you in the face with a dick.

Quiet. A 14-year-old paraplegic in Paris was mutilated by rats. This story is being adapted by Pixar in the new film Ratatouille 2

Meals on Wheels. I just imagine you seeing that article and going, ooh. My whole room just beautiful-minded. Like, everything just lit up and connected. It's like some kind of anti-miracle. A group of feminists claim pumpkin spice lattes fund white supremacy.

Nice. Because there's a Starbucks in Trump Tower. With the same logic, breast cancer awareness teaming up with the NFL means that sick titties cause rape. Tommy boy.

Damn. Tom hits one out of five, but God damn does he hit it. I got two out of five. You got one. Yeah, you. All right, guys. And finally,

a special ed teacher has been fired for having sex with one of his students. Police caught the man when they found a happy face sticker on her vagina. So he graded. A college professor has opened a queer feminist bookstore in rural Mississippi. The store specializes in female authors, writing workshops, and constantly being on fire.

That's pretty good. That feels like a Brewster's Millions, like you have to lose as much money as you can investment. You can make more money with a flop bookstore than it hits. Yeah, like the best case for that business plan is you just don't get murdered for a while. It took out a seven- I'm retiring tomorrow.

Seven million dollar insurance policy on the building. And we just wait for the fucking Kristallnacht for lesbians and then boom. It's like a weird version of the producers where tomorrow they're like, oh no, everyone in Mississippi's gay now. Turns out they all love Sylvia Plath. This is bullshit.

Just found the plot to the Mean Boys movie. Bring time for Kathleen Hanna in Mississippi. A British model has cut off her labia and turned it into jewelry. If you want to make this girl happy, eat out her bracelet. I love that one. It's fantastic. Thank you. Thank you.

All right, guys. A snow emergency has been declared in Erie, Pennsylvania, after receiving 53 inches in 48 hours. 53 inches in 48 hours is known by Keith's mother as a slow Tuesday. Damn it. I knew it was coming. As soon as you heard inches, you were like, oh, okay. Yeah, inches is a dangerous word, my friend. A Tennessee couple are facing murder charges after allowing their four-month-old child to overdose on crystal meth.

They say they were just playing the baby's favorite game, Tweakaboo. I got him. Yeah, that was pretty good. Well, that's something Keith knows well from childhood. Indeed. Yeah, this baby just couldn't hang. It's kind of on him. Actress Julia Stiles was ridiculed for holding her child wrong on Instagram.

She apologized, saying she will no longer carry her baby using skewers. Like a corn on the cob. Shishka, babe. Shishka, babe. That's for sure a roller derby captain that we didn't get to the other week. A woman with Down syndrome competed in the Miss Minnesota pageant last week. She wowed the judges

in the talent portion when she tied her shoes. Dexter Holland, the lead singer of punk band The Offspring, has published a research paper on the HIV virus. His research says that survival rates are pretty high for a straight guy. Holy shit. Oh, yes, it's me.

A new vibrator was invented that orders you pizza from Domino's after you come. The catch is if you don't come in 30 minutes or less, the Noid rapes you. I'm not going to avoid this. Tom, congratulations, man. I can see you white-knuckling your notebook, trying not to fuck this one up because you knew you were out of money. Target!

Come on! Or else the Noid raped you and you just look shocked that you did it. You're like, what? You flew away as the Death Star exploded. Look, I'm a better writer than I am reader, okay? That's what I've taken from Mexican Joker. I mean, it's a low bar to clear. Yeah.

Every episode of Mean Boys, we also do sketches. Sometimes the sketches are hard-h hitting, satirical, topical things. This is one called the fudge. Yeah. Sometimes you're like, this is what is going to really take down the Koch brothers. And when sometimes you're like, what if like Dr. Manhattan was made out of chocolate? Would that be a good sketch?

I think it could be. Yeah. It's basically this is one of many ideas I have where I came up with a dumb voice and a dumb combination of words and then wrote it frantically on a bus. It also it also sets the record for the longest sketch to record, because every time you went into the I am the fudge. I am the fudge. We both lost our minds. And then our roommates came in and they're watching you do it. And then they couldn't keep it straight.

And it took like 20 minutes to cut the worst sketch ever. Yeah. And yeah and people seem to like oh it's great i fucking love it and i literally when i wrote it i thought it was so stupid i thought i was gonna put it in front of you and you were gonna quit the podcast no but i i read it i like i burst out of the door it was like keith you got the fudge lord is brilliant you know the fudge is life it was like uh what's the what's the other dude not qu Quentin Tarantino's friend? Robert Rodriguez. It was like Robert Rodriguez read the Pulp Fiction script. I did a cartwheel, and I was like, my God, it's dynamite, Gary.

Well, with that said, please enjoy the first appearance, but not the last, of The Fudge Lord. Thank you, one and all, for attending the Wichita County Fair's 46th annual Bake Off. Every year, we invite the best bakers in the Tri-County area to present their tastiest treats. And out of the dozens of entries we've narrowed this year's contestants down to three finalists. Now before we make our decision, we want to take a moment to chat with our top three bakers. First up is Wichita's own Betty Jenkins. Thanks for being here, Betty. Thanks for having me, Kosh. I'm just so excited. And standing next to her from Salem, give a warm welcome to Chester Martindale. Pleasure to be here.

And rounding out the finalists from checking the paper here, it just says, the vast and incomprehensible fudge scape. Anyway, give a warm round of applause for the Fudge Lord. I am the Fudge Lord. By my hand

the fudge is dispensed. If I am the fudge lord By my hand the fudge is dispensed If I am absent from reality So too shall the fudge be absent This is unacceptable I am the fudge lord Well we're sure happy to have you Now Betty what have you got for us today? Now this here is my world famous peach cobbler

It's a secret family recipe that I got from my mama Now, Betty, what have you got for us today? Now, this here's my world-famous peach cobbler. It's a secret family recipe that I got from my mama, and she got from hers going all the way back to the 1800s. Well, that's really something. How about you, Chester? Well, I'm not normally much for cooking, but I've been known to whip up a coffee cake that the fellas down at the auto shop where I work seem to like quite a bit. And how about you, Fudge Lord?

I am the Fudge Lord. I have harnessed and distributed all variables of fudge. Standard fudge. Standard fudge deluxe. Not fudge. Your tongues weep for fudge. And through my grace, they shall receive it. I am the Fudge Lord.

Oh, you're an intense fella. I am the Fudge Lord. Oh, you're an intense fella. I am the Fudge Lord. I am not a fella. I am the Fudge Lord. Well, I suppose the only thing left to do now is to have a taste test and crown a winner. I am the Fudge Lord. The taste test is irrelevant. I have many scientists, and they have analyzed the data.

All outcomes are favorable to the fudge. It is inevitable. I am the fudge lord. Well, now, you're not being a very good sport there, are you, Mr. Fudge Lord? Mr. Fudge Lord was my father. Please, call me the fudge lord. I am the fudge lord. Well, that's a damn fine cobbler, Betty. Well, thank you kindly. Now on to

Chester's coffee cake. That's very good. Is that a hint of nutmeg I'm picking up there? You got it. Outstanding. And now we move over to the Fudge Lord. I am the Fudge Lord. Activate your fudge intake protocol.

That's, uh... God damn, that's incredible fudge. I am the fudge lord. It is atomically perfect fudge. Every molecule acts in service of the greater fudge. The scientists have confirmed this. I am the fudge lord. I'm sorry but but I can't sit here and watch this anymore. I am the fudge Lord. Please explain. This is insane. Does nobody else see the madness in what's happening right now? Fudge is not a baked good. It's more of a candy than anything, isn't it? Error. Error. Thou shalt not judge the Lord of Fudge.

You see dissent against the Fudge. You are a liability, and you must be removed. Whoa, hey, Mr. Fudge Lord, I was just joshing. Now please put the gunudge. You are a liability and you must be removed. Whoa, hey, hey, hey, Mr. Fudge Lord, I was just joshing. Now please put the gun down. I am the Fudge Lord. The process will be swift. You will feel pain. Oh, oh god, it burns. Oh, it burns my bones.

No! Fudge protection protocol complete. Oh, sweet baby Jesus, did you just kill Chester? He is not dead, only repurposed. His carbon has been harnessed. The carbon creates heat. The heat creates energy.

The energy creates motion in the turbines. The turbines create the fudge. This is the truth of the fudge war. Well, you know, in all my years of being a county fair taste tester, I've never seen a contestant de-atomize someone before. It's unorthodox, certainly. But I'll be damned if that's not the finest fudge I've ever tasted. The winner is the fudge lord.

I am the fudge lord. You shall have no other lords before the fudge lord. This outcome is mandatory. The fudge is life. The fudge is is mandatory. The fudge is life. The fudge is the alpha. The fudge is the omega. In the absence of the fudge, there is only the void.

I am the fudge lord. One thing that I really enjoy about doing the show is taking you guys' questions. It's nice that anyone gives enough of a shit to ask us anything and uh you never quite know which ones are going to be the great jumping off point because sometimes it's like oh this seems like a great question but it's all immediately just like oh yeah fuck tom kill keith mary connor sometimes very simple by the way sidebar for any new listeners you don't have to send in a fuck

mary kill we've covered it yeah it's been. That's pretty much what the premise of the show is anyway. Yeah, the answer is fuck all of us. It's about being trapped together, especially now that we're on Starburns and we have a legally binding friendship. I know. We've signed paperwork that says you guys are obligated to be friends. Yeah, I want that MeUndies money so I'm not allowed to move out anymore. Yeah, I'm really understanding how kind of bullshit marriage is, where I'm just like,

why do we have this? Just so I can visit Tom in the hospital, I had to join a network to do this. But this question came to us from a listener. It was Mary Fuckkill, the three starter Pokemon. And when I read this, I thought it was going to suck. I was like, this is kind of silly. And then it became one of the funniest things we've ever done.

And it's just, it's exactly what Mean Boys is. It's three dudes having a very serious dissection of what is the best Pokemon to fuck. Shout out to our special guest, Asana Mod, who was on this episode. My old roommate and very good friend. And yeah, and we all disagreed on which Pokemon, I think, too. It's a heated debate. And the important thing is, I'm the only one that's right.

And when you listen to this, you will see my logic is sound, and you gotta fuck that squirtle. All right, well, see for yourselves right now in the best Pokemon to fuck. Merry fuck kill the original three starter Pokemon. That's not a bad one. Oh, shit. I mean, here's the thing. Bulbasaur has got some swerve to him. So, like, I'm going to fuck Bulbasaur.

Bulbasaur is already, like, bent over. What is Keith if not, like, a fucking Wendy's rapper Bulbasaur? Bulbasaur's got, yeah, he's got thick ass. He's got haunches. I'm a fan of haunches. So, like, I think, yeah, I think you fuck Bulbasaur. Bulbasaur's got thick ass. He's got haunches. I'm a fan of haunches. So I think you fuck Bulbasaur. Squirtle's got some booty too, though. That's fucking tricky.

I'm just going to... I mean, here's the thing. You're definitely not fucking Charmander. Charmander's not a fuckable Pokemon. No. I'm not marrying Charmander because he's going to light the house on fire. I fuck Charmander. He's hot.

I think... Oh, shut up. Was that a hot like fire Pokemon joke? Yeah. Okay. First of all, kill yourself. Okay. I have a theory here.

All right. I think you immediately had a lot of strong opinions. This is my favorite fuck, marry, kill of all time. It's a great one. Yeah. You marry Bulbasaur because Bulbasaur grows vegetation. So you have like a food story. So you can basically never have.

You can't eat your wife. I'm trying to get food stamps with the Pokemon universe by eating my husband's head. No, but you can have Bulbasaur make your garden stronger with his fucking vegetable powers or whatever. Yes. Okay. So you have a food source with him, and also he seems like a good guy. He evolves into a strong thing that can defend a home. Yeah.

All right. You fuck Squirtle because Squirtle's wet. Squirtle, you get it wet. It's lubed up. It's ready to go. Oh, well, then fucking kill yourself, too. Yeah, yeah. You know what? No, I'm it's a genuine practicality. I'm like, you are damn ready. I'm like, you cheap remark that lets into this whole conversation.

I'm not doing it as a pun. I'm like, this Pokemon is damp and ready for insertion. And then you kill that fucking fire lizard. Okay, see, I'm almost with... I'm just flipping, too. I would kill Bulbasaur, even though that little hole in the top seems useful. But I'm killing...

You can see the hole on the bottom, champ. But, yeah, I'm killing Bulbasaur. Bulba, Bulba. I'm also... Bulbasaur. I'm also fucking Squirtle, because Squirtle, I bet, can do some crazy oral shit with that squirt gun. Sloppy toppy, guys. Yeah, and I'm very charming because I feel like my dick use surf.

We just be very compatible. We're both very sad dragons that rage and break stuff occasionally. So I feel like you can fly around on Charizard. I just had a really upsetting visual of Squirtle hearing this conversation, not wanting to get fucked, but then falling over on his shell and he kicked him. Oh, no. I'm getting mana raid. Let's see. I'm going to kill Bulbasaur because I have no feelings towards Bulbasaur, really.

I'm fucking with my husband here. See, I like Bulbasaur more than Squirtle in general, but when it comes to fucking, you've got to put your brain where your dick is. Fuck Charmander, because I always thought Charizard was cool, but I couldn't be with a Charizard. I could. My parents would just never let me be with a Charizard. And then I had to marry Squirtle, because that was my original guy in Pokemon Blue. I just like that. We've been through thick and thick.

Charmander was my man. You know what I really love is that Pokemon theoretically come in both genders, but we've all just assumed it's a male. I'm already fucking a turtle. Why not have it be a male turtle? I got to figure the experience is not that much different. I married Bulbasaur. I fuck Squirtle and I kill Charmander. I gotta figure the experience is not that much different. I marry Bulbasaur. I fuck Squirtle and I kill Charmander. I'm with Keith on this.

I have one follow-up question. Am I the only one who didn't kill Charmander? Yeah. We both kill Bulbasaur. You can fuck one Pokemon, any of the Pokemon. Any of the original 150 Pokemon. Who do you fuck? 100% Mr. Mime. This is too funny. Okay, Tom, thoughts?

No, no, no. I'm thinking, I'm thinking. I've got two or three different... I know my answer, and I don't want to see if anybody else gets it. I can give an answer of a Pokemon that's humanoid that's supposed to be hot, but I'm like, that's a creepier thing to say that you want to fuck Gardevoir. It's also not in original 150. Oh, are we going original 150?

Yeah. Ooh, the Nidoqueen booty. You got to factor that in. Nidoqueen can get it. Oh, see, I would go Ditto, because then I can make it any Pokemon. Ah, you son of a bitch! I was literally waiting for you guys to all say you wanted to fuck Sandrats. You dummy.

Yeah, you can fuck Ditto, because that way you can fuck any Pokemon you want. Or a person. I can fuck Sandgash. Yeah, I got a ditto and I still made it turn into a gay turtle. Now I can fuck two gay turtles at once.

Yeah, Keith wants a Gengar. Actually, I was going to say Gengar because then I can say I've fucked both a Pokemon and a ghost and that's just

some trippy shit. Tend to be you can have three of some of your fucking Kangaskhan. That's a child. That's also pedophilia. That's a child. Whatever. That's a fucking child. That's the age in Pokemon's a child. That's a child. Whatever.

That's a fucking child. Yeah, the age in Pokemon years or something. Shut up. Get on board. Pokephilia. I'll give her some rare candies until she's old enough.

No! No! Oh, man. That was one of the best questions we ever had. Oh, man. The Penn State gym was always the hardest one to win.

Brock, I'm glad you don't have eyes. You don't want to see what they're doing to Onyx. Gotta silence them all. Pay them off. Coughing. Arbok. Arbok. Arbok. Arbok.

Hashtag Mewtwo. Oh, shit. All right, guys. Oh, my God. We're going to hell. If they ever write a blog about us, I want it to be them trying to transcribe that. Yeah, the medium.com piece about the mean boys are normalizing Pokemon, right? We've got some characters that pop up from time to time on the show. The most used, and I think the oldest, he's been around since episode three, is Karnak the Bloodfeaster.

Yeah, baby. Karnak is an ancient demon god from another dimension who initially showed up because he was running for president because it seemed very funny back when we didn't think this would happen. Yeah, back when it was like, oh, well, of course this is insane. Like how funny if the face of evil became the leader of the free world, and then we're like,

oh, okay, tight. And now it's like, well, at least Carnock's funny. I mean, if he was president. Yeah, Carnock's hitting bumps. So now we'll just bring Carnock back periodically to talk about news of the day. This is Carnock's Oscar preview from earlier this year. It features an appearance from his sidekick, Tyler Dawson,

who is a 14-year-old 4chan dweeb who accidentally summoned Carnock through a shitpost on B. You know, when you really, when you just say all this shit, like, back to back, you're just like, man, we're fucking dorks. Yeah. A little bit. There is a canon for what is essentially just a bunch of puns about Vikings in movies. The guy doing the audio

right now is probably going, what the fuck am I helping produce right now? Well, yeah, he's just like, everyone that comes in here to podcast is, like, doing coke and fucking hookers and telling stories about like gang violence. What if a demigod had a friend who was a child like us? God damn it. You're making a face like you think this might have been a Make-A-Wish podcast.

You're like, what if the show – The mics aren't even plugged in. Like what if – It's a tin can on a string. What if the show Gigantor was about a kid who makes friends with one of the guys in GWAR? Oh, okay. Yeah, that's fucking great. God damn it, that's so accurate. Yeah, there's the elevator pitch. So this is one of the guys in GWAR. Oh, okay. Yeah, that's fucking great. That's so accurate.

Yeah, there's the elevator pitch. So this is one of my favorite things every year. Enjoy Carnock's Oscar preview. Wretched pig children, hear my unholy proclamation. Let my words reverberate through your bones until you feel a new and terrible emotion known as Turbo Fear. It is I, the decimator of the righteous, the immolator of virgin flesh, the bringer of the noise

and the funk and the all-consuming death, Carnock the Bloodfeaster! I am joined by my faithful servant and, shockingly, not the kid who took a gun to school this week, Tyler Dawson. Sup, cunts? Last year I brought you my assessment of the insipid

human ritual you call the Academy Award. And behold, I have returned for the 2018 Oscar Roundup! Yeah, because who doesn't want to watch a bunch of smarmy billionaires give each other statues? The ceremony is heresy! All gold is due unto Carnock! It is the decree of the blind prophets! Yeah, Hollywood just loves sucking its own dick. Well, we'll see how easy it is when I remove their tongues and their dicks! Yeah, speaking of dicks, everybody's all butthurt this year because chicks got all fingered and shit by Harvey Weinstein,

so it's going to be a bunch of people talking about how brave it is to have labia. Indeed! The women of Hollywood have banded together to declare time's up! And to that I say, you dare woman-splain the notion of time to the bloodfeaster? By my hand time was created, and by my hand shall it be destroyed. That said, I do not condone the lecherous actions of the Hebrew smegma goblin.

It is not the way of the bloodfeaster to feel entitled to the holes of the trembling, merely because of my status as the one true god-king. Karnak believes in attaining consent the old fashioned way. By defeating a woman's previous owner and claiming her as compensation for his failure as a warrior and protector.

We saw all the movies that got nominated and most of them sucked. But Get Out was sick, dude. That guy gets stabbed with a fucking deer head and what's your bitch from that HBO show Girls is in it, I think. Not the fat one, the hot one who gets her butthole licked. Yeah, but she's like a super bitch, and it's rad.

Your human construct of racism confounds Karnak. Human genetics are irrelevant. All are equally doomed under the reign of Karnak. The only color I see is red. I was thrilled to see the film you call Lady Bird until I realized it bore no relation to the fabled Lady Bird of the Dark Forest. A common myth in my realm, the Lady Bird is a half-woman, half-falcon

created by a demented sorcerer on a drunken dare. With the soaring wings of a beast and the bloodshot eyes of the human she once was, she stalks the midnight skies, swooping down upon unruly children and vomiting the remains of many worms down their shrieking gullets.

Yeah, that would have been gnarly. This was just about some skinny Irish bitch being mad at her mom or something. I don't know. I got bored ten minutes in and started watching Salo on my phone. You ever see it, Carnock? Indeed! The highest grossing comedy in the history of the Kingdom of Doom. And now we come to the slobbering valentine to the glum pugman, Churchill. Darkest hour. Oh, you weak humans.

You fear a mere hour of darkness? The darkness reigns eternal in the kingdom of doom. The elders remember the one day the sun dared to cast its light into my dominion. I leapt screaming through the cosmos, and I fucked the sun and its molten core until my mighty semen dimmed its fires forever. Yeah, it rained cum for a while, and then the trees grew babies. Oh yeah, we saw that fucking newspaper movie, The Post. Yeah, it's got that old lady from The Devil Went Down to Prada or whatever.

That shit sucked. Mind your tongue, Dawson. I may be the most evil creature in all of creation, but even I respect the hell out of Mare of Streep. Hail Streep! Sit beside me on a throne of polished ribcages. With my unquestionable strength and your ability to bring a wide array of characters to life effortlessly, we shall conquer hell and Hollywood.

Hell's a lot like Hollywood. People are dying to get in. What are you, fucking Bruce Valanche? Also, they're both full of Jews. It's day on the Jew stuff. The Mean Boys have sponsors now. Quick, say something about Call Me By Your Name. Uh, Call Me By Your Name. Uh, more me- uh, how about Call Me By Your Lame?

Not your best work, Dawson. Uh, shit. Okay, uh, more- more like Call Me By Your Gay. Moving on. We have- Or like Call Me A Big Homo Bullshit Movie. This ends now! You've taken too many mulligans on this joke, and your next attempt shall be your last! Uh, they're gay. In it, the movie, it's about gay guys.

Speaking of gay, what about The Shape of Water? I thought it'd be good because the guy who made that one Blade II movie, and it's like my favorite Blade movie except for the third Blade movie, because that's the one where Deadpool calls the chick a cunt. But yeah, this shit was lame, and it felt kind of European or something. Like, you see that deaf chick's clam, which is kind of tight, admittedly, but it's all fucked up and hairy,

and her cooch has, like, black guy hair, and, like, she fucks the fish dude, but they don't even show it. That's like going to Star Wars and not seeing a Star War. There is only one shape of water that I care for, and it is the icicle blade of Blizzardonia, the dagger with which I killed the savage Yeti Queen. On to the next film!

Every time I think I have reached the zenith of the pathetic cowardice of humanity, I stumble across a new and vile low. You dare to call this Dunkirk a portrait of war? Boo-fucking-hoo, you all had a busy day at the beach. If you would have gazed for a moment upon the fields of battle I have reigned victorious over, you would shit blood from your eyes, and your skeleton would leave your body, walk into the town square, and shoot itself in the face!

Yeah, way to go, Christopher Nolan. You made war boring. Go drink tea out of your mom's butthole, you fucking goober. While we're on the subject of overrated hacks, the bard Paul Thomas Anderson returns with another film that you may ignore and then lie about seeing to impress your sniveling, besweatered wiener friends. I once defeated the seven-bellied pig demon of the gluttony caverns, and not even his gaseous, grease-stuffed carcass was as bloated as this cinematic abortion.

Is this movie the throats of my enemies? Because it could use many cuts. More like Daniel Gay-Lewis. There it is! Nailed it. And finally, we come to Three Billboards outside Ebbing's, Missouri. Oh, dude, Three Billboards was

tight as fuck. Indeed, it was terrible beyond all- wait, what? You liked this movie? Oh, hell yeah, dude. Fucking what? Explain yourself. Dude, it was fucking rad. When Aquaman was like, hey, suck my dick. I'm going to Atlantis.

And then he walks out of the pier and they play that White Stripes song from like, you know, when they were good before Jack White turned into an Amish lesbian. And he just jumps in like. Your memory is false. Oh, right. I'm thinking about when I did school, huffed the whole thing a keyboard cleaner and watched Justice League. That was rad.

Yeah, I don't know what this movie is, but if Aquaman's not in it, it could fuck right off. There you have it. Come for the celebration of the flailing retardation you dare to call art and stay to see what social issue makes Jimmy Kimmel weep like a nun with a ruptured hymen. Oh, I almost forgot to ask. Who do you have in your office, poor? The drowned children of those who dare oppose me.

See you at the movies, meat sacks. So sometimes on the podcast, we start having a normal conversation. And I throw in a little curveball I like to call my own logic. And it ruins into a very beautiful derailment and it ruins into a very beautiful derailment. It ruins into a very beautiful derailment. Yeah, Tom's grammar there will tell you what he's really saying, which is Tom's retarded. No, I think southpaw is the best way to put it.

Yeah, okay, I like that. And I don't often do weed, and this is a little beautiful story. But you do often sound like a narc in the 50s. You guys going to go do some weed? Yeah, I don't partake in the jazz cigarettes, but when I do, I make bird mistakes. But right before we recorded... Are you supposed to eat the bebop cigar? Because I've been treating it like a taquito full of herchew juice.

Right before we recorded the episode this was featured on, I got very high in Vegas and then scrambled all the way back to record with my fine friends. And this is the story of how that went wrong. So you go ahead and enjoy the flamingo story. Before we get into anything else, I think we need to discuss what we were avoiding discussing outside. We frantically started the podcast earlier than anticipated.

We usually like a good 45-minute intro sesh to just sit on the patio and talk shit. But Tom Goss informed us that he went to Vegas on a whim, took a bunch of edibles. Yeah, let me run through the process of learning this information. Tom showed up in a very good mood, and I was like, oh, you seem like you're in a good mood. What's going on? And he's like, I ate a bunch of edibles. I'm like, oh. And then you're like he's like i ate a bunch of edibles like oh and then you're like where to eat a bunch of edibles uh i i went impulsively to vegas and what was the third thing you told us i accidentally uh threw my debit card away in a bowl of fried rice all right now let's go back to the beginning here

yeah give us a zoom out give us the story here Tom. I mean, the fried rice was an accident. I like to think it was a good idea. I told them I wanted chow mein. I actually thought... We know. Fried rice was delicious, though. This is not the part of the story anybody gives a shit about. It's the quality of the fried rice.

What part? How did this happen, you dumb idiot? Yeah, what the fuck went down? Just impulsive decisions. You know, you what? No, Tom, you tell the best part of the story and then do every single detail nobody cares about. And it's infuriating and beautiful. What do you want to know?

Why did you go to Vegas? What is it? Because I felt like it. I haven't been there in a while. And then, yeah. How did the debit card? How? I haven't been there since I got my foot stuck in a shark.

Like, okay, now it's another 20 minutes. We've got to figure this out. No, I never foot a shark. But, yeah, no. Can't you just foot as a verb? I guess you can. You could fist someone. That's a verb.

That's true. How did the goddamn debit card get in the rice? I put it. It was in the receipt, which was by the napkin, and I was super high, so after I finished most of the rice, I just kind of threw it in a pile in the thing, and then threw the thing in the trash, and then realized about 45 minutes later, because I got more high, it kicked in more, and I was like, now I want pizza. So I want to get a spinach pizza.

I got a hankering for spinach pizza dude stop spinach pizza's the shit i love spinach uh yeah spinach is good pizza's good again could not give less of a fuck about your thoughts on spinach what happened to your only uh access to your very small savings yeah then i was like, I don't have a debit card. And then I talked to security. They didn't have it. I was like, oh, you know what probably happened? I was talking to security while you were high. It was, dude,

it was fucking nerve-wracking. Because it's like a felony out there, man. And if you're Tom and you're approaching... It's a felony to throw away your debit card in a bowl of rice. To be high, man, in Vegas. They don't want you. I've got to say, the little machine lights when you're high are amazing.

Truth. Especially playing a game involving a dragon. Looking for dragon-specific games is harder than you think out there. I asked the dragon about the card, and he said i didn't have any money no more did you get the card back or no okay yeah did you go like rooting through the trash while you're high no i was like this is hoping this is going yeah i was like no i'll just cancel it i'm just picturing you stuck in a vegas garbage can like winning the poo i gotta say a crazy amount of people also the first night i was high, I was there two nights.

First night. Why didn't I know any of this? I got lost in a flamingo garden. This was for sure an Arby's where you saw something pink. No, I got lost in the flamingo garden. Okay. I was trying to find a place to smoke, and I went outside. The flamingo kept asking me to put it out.

A passive-aggressive flamingo. Yeah. Sir. So I go outside, and then, damn, I'm just in the middle of the flamingo garden. All these signs are like, you can't smoke near the flamingos. They don't like you or some shit.

Were there actual flamingos there? Yeah. They got full of thingamajigs. Why do you think it was called that? I thought they just had a bunch of fake-ass flamingos. I don't know. Then I was just like, damn, there's a lot of birds here. I should leave them away from the cigarette smoke.

So now I'm just going deeper into the garden. And then here I go. Going deeper into the garden in search for smoking respite. It's not that big of a garden, but it was night, and I wanted the air. Felt nice, you know? It was night, and I wanted the air. That felt great. That is the first line of a Bukowski poem about buying heroin.

If I can smoke inside, I'm like, yeah, fuck you, clean lung bitches. And then I smoke inside, but I'm like, I like outside, so I went outside. I'm stuck in the flamingo garden when i went back there it is not that big i was way too high it is just one narrow thing it's just a pond with some flamingos in it yeah like i'm seeing all these signs there's no smoking no smoking no smoking there's one sign no there was a lot of time it's like whatever whatever whatever impression you might get from him Tom is incredibly considerate of the rules. I try to be nice to people and animals and shit.

No, I know. I'm not considerate of stupid rules. Yeah, no, you're not. But anytime Tom needs to order something or anything, he's just like, hello, ma'am, how are you? I'd like 19 biscuits and a couple of napkins for my tears, please. And if it's not too much trouble, can I get a map out of the Flamingo Guard?

And so I'm still lost in Flamingo Guard. Now there's signs. You've come too far. I want to make a problem-solving click-based RPG where it's just you high in Vegas, and you've got to figure out how to get out. The Tom version of Myst? Yeah, exactly. That's the name of it. I was looking for it.

And so I see these signs like, oh, cool, I can smoke here. And then all of a sudden I see a no smoking sign. Now I'm freaking out because there's a security guy looking at me and I'm just

pacing back and forth trying to figure out very quickly. Cigarettes are lit. Can't put it out near the flamingos. That's bad for the flamingos too. So I'm just like, am I clear?

You don't have to put it out on a flamingo's eye. Am I clear? You don't have to like, out on a flamingo's eye. Am I clear? You don't have to, like, you know. I just want the cigarette. That's all I want. You don't have to pimp mark the flamingo. You can just lick your index finger and do a couple taps.

Yeah, I gave a germs burn to a tropical bird. I just wanted to smoke the cigarette. And then I kind of, like, I was trying to yell, hey, can I smoke here? And then I just kind of yelled, smoke. And then I walked away because I was like, that's not conspicuous enough. So I just walk away. And then he's like, hey, come here. And I walked over.

I was like, hey, can I smoke here? He's like, yeah, you can smoke everywhere. What had happened is when I walked past the smoking area, I turned around, and then it said no smoking again because that's where I just was. I just seen the signs. I was really high. So, yeah, then I found a place to smoke, and then a bunch of old people.

Dude, this is the worst Hunter S. Thompson story I've ever heard in my life. All these old people. Courtesy and confusion in Las Vegas. It was 11 p.m. It felt like four in the morning. I was all gacked up on brownies and I didn't know where I could smoke. There were too many birds. So many birds.

They came out of nowhere. I turned around to where I just was and that became where I was again. I asked the guy, but the only word that came out was the one in the middle. So it didn't make a lot of sense. Blah, blah, blah. Something about Walter Mondale. Gwang. So we did a little thing at the end of last year called Snark Week

where we did one podcast every day for seven days, seven scripted comedy podcasts in one week. It was a gauntlet of writing and talking and editing. We had no free time. It was all working on the podcast, not the progress. There's no progress on the show. Yeah, no progress was made. It felt like being one of the dudes in the room where they were doing the moon landing, just chain smoking

and staring at a computer like, oh fuck, I hope I didn't miss a decimal point and kill these guys. It was just a meat grinder for your emotional well-being. Oh, absolutely. And by the end of it, I was going insane. I was in one of the worst moods of my entire life. And I was like, I cannot keep fucking staring at Sony Acid 6 editing this shitty podcast.

Yeah. And I was like, do not do not give me a sketch where it's all fucking so many sound cues. And I have to fully a whole battlefield full of robots and centaurs. I come in. I didn't think I was writing a sketch that day. And I was like, oh, it's 30 minutes before the show. I'm a write a sketch that day and i was like oh it's 30 minutes before the show i'm gonna write a sketch and uh i decide to do a mean boys based version of what happened in movies and my own little take on them and i show it to connor and it's all of the things he doesn't want the fucking sketch to be yeah it's full of sound and to your credit it might have been like super hard to edit and kind of convoluted but it was also remarkably unfunny oh yeah that's what you say people have tweeted so much okay well yeah well

yeah because we'll talk about why it's show yeah basically it was it was a pretty brutal and we couldn't even get that mad at you because we hadn't written anything we had just we were done if you want to listen to three husks of men bum out of fat guy go listen to the dan saint germain episode oh yeah we're all just skateboard sharks. Yeah, we're all just like seven orgasm deep dicks that are just like sitting there like, I am pink and exhausted. We are coming comedy dust at this point. Yeah.

So Tom pulls out Mean Boys History of Cinema. The condition is that we have to record it live. You know, Keith will provide all the sound effects and it'll take no editing. And I will also say, you guys have no idea how hard I fought to actually record this sketch on the show. We talked about it for, what, 45 minutes? Yeah, we almost didn't put this one on. I fought so hard to give you this beautiful piece of history of cinema so you can thank me on Twitter. And I would like to point out, yet again, one of these things is not cinema.

It'll all be covered when you hear it. It will be in the future. It will be in the future. But please enjoy the worst sketch, not only on this podcast, but ever written. Tweet them how much you guys love this sketch. Tweet it. All right. Don't do that because you're going to hate it.

Here it is. Ladies and gentlemen, what's about to happen is a special Mean Boys podcast presentation. We gave Tom Goss ten minutes to write a sketch for this episode. As you may have gathered from listening to the rest of it, our brains are melted. What he delivered to the table is quite possibly Mean Boys meltdown sketch.

Quite possibly the stupidest thing I have ever read in my life. Like it is on a show where the fudge lord has represented the high watermark of creativity. This is the worst sketch we will have ever put on. Look, I was just rushing to finish something, and I just want to bring some Christmas joy to your heart. So we made a deal both because we thought it would be funny and to spare Connor from having to edit a lot of sound effects.

Tom is allowed to do this sketch. The caveats to this sketch are as follows. Number one, Tom has to do every voice in it. Yes. Number two, Tom has to do it in one take with no cuts and no editing. Yes. Number three, there are an impossible amount of misspelled words here. And stage directions, I already know he hasn't figured out how to get around.

And number four, I'll be providing the sound effects for the sketch. With his mouth, yeah. With my mouth. So again, you're getting this in one take. We're going to see what happens. This is a full throttle meltdown, and I cannot stress enough how much this was written in ten minutes, and how bad it is. Yes, yes. And look,

I'm very contradictory, and I disagree with Keith on many things. I agree with him on this. Indeed, we're of the same mind. And I love Tom Thomas provided a lot of great work this week. They can't all be winners. So, with that in mind, sit back, relax, as the curtain comes up on the worst sketch ever written.

Mean Boys Podcast presents a brief summary of film history. Roadhouse. Beep, beep, beep, beep. Beep, beep, Beep beep beep beep beep Hey what's the hold up here Beep beep beep beep beep

Go around I live here Beep beep Why is it Alright we've been three lines in Why is the house built In the middle of the streets Because of the streets? Because of the Mariners' liberal agenda and Lex building code.

Beep, beep, beep, beep. Look, our house is in the middle of the streets, okay? Mother's in her Sunday dress. And father says he needs a rest. You have to go around. I also like your furniture. Thank you. It's Victorian.

Just a quick pause here in case anybody didn't get it. The film was Roadhouse, and that was a vignette where a house was in the middle of the road. Correctamundo. Tom, continue. That's not our only... That's not our only film here. This is our summer fight club. You aren't your job. You're not your fucking khakis.

Oh my god, what are you guys doing? Why are you beating up that stick? It's not a stick. It's a club. And we fight club tom and of course our favorite episode of the muppets i would just like to pause here and put out to the listening audience tom wrote a sketch called the history of cinema and the third one is a television show and it's not like he meant, oh, I meant the Muppet movie, because he wrote our favorite episode of the

Muppets. Oh, I don't know. I just feel... Finish it. Oh, I don't know. I just feel like Miss Piggy might have moved on without me. What do you think, Swedish Chef? A pork, a pork, a pork, a pork, a pork, a pork.

Fozzie Bear, what are you doing here? Who wants to sodomize me? Waka, waka, waka. Tom, have you ever actually seen an episode of The Muppets? Yeah, when I was a kid. Okay, because you couldn't have done Fozzie Bear worse if you tried. I'm bad at voices. Yes.

So there you go. There it is. Look, was there supposed to be an Omega Tom today? Yes. Is it coming soon? Certainly. But those things take a really fucking long time to edit. And Connor's going to stab me in the neck. So this is what happened.

Tom, how do you feel about what you've done? Oh, I mean, it's a mixture of shame and pride. I hope it's like a very watered-down shame-to-pride ratio. Oh, I mean, I'm just proud of us, you know what I mean? Don't implicate me in what you've done here. You did a great job with the sound effects, and I'm just, honestly, I need more than 10 minutes to write a sketch, everybody. Enjoy the rest of this week's episode with Dan St. Germain.

Sha-na-na-na-na-na, mean, mean. One of my favorite things about doing Mean Boys is having people that get added to the expanded universe that come and do the show a lot. And one of our favorites, one of our roommates, Ramsey Badawi, does a segment called Now Is Not The Time where he highlights the best of the worst in social media and internet posts made after a tragedy. This came after the Manchester bombings.

Ramsey was trolling around on Craigslist. And you'll hear what he does. I almost don't even want to give it away. But it is so spectacularly gross, evil, and stupid. You know, it's like biologically gross. Yeah. It's evil that capitalism has made this transaction happen at this point in time. Right.

And he's just doing it for, no, there's no point being made. It's just, wouldn't it be fucked up if I did this? And the end result is one of our favorite clips from the entire show's history. And if you enjoyed this clip, we actually have some full Now Is Not The Time episodes

where he's done some even deeper runs. Oh, yeah. This is nowhere near If you want to hear a Native American man who lost his kid convert to Islam

because of a fake doctor, you can do that. That's a truth hack. If you want to hear Ramsey start a fake podcast called Thanks God for Dance, check that out. But in the meantime, the fucking Mount Rushmore Now Is Not The Time clip live from the Manchester bombing. 20 minutes after this post, I found another one on Manchester's Craigslist, which is advertising worn underwear by an 18-year-old. 20 euros apiece. She threw down

her kick handle, so I decided to explore it a little bit further. I created a kick account. Okay, for the listening audience, Ramsey's kick account, his name is Big Ass Ram Dog. Can't believe he got it. Which frankly sounds like

the guy who was fucking James in that last one yeah absolutely it's a great kick profile as all creepy social networking profile pictures should be it is just of

an unsettling part of your face while you're exhibiting zero emotion it looks like it is definitely a picture of you currently breathing too loud through your mouth

it's the profile picture of everyone that follows porn stars on twitter are you guys familiar with kick if you don't know what kick is I only know it through like vague shady references I see on tinder loud through your mouth. It's the profile picture of everyone that follows porn stars on Twitter. Are you guys familiar with Kik? I only know it through vague shady references I see on Tinder and stuff. Yeah, it is the official social media

network of people who are living a double life. It is such a sketchy... It is so sketchy. So what did Big Ass Ramdog discover? So Big Ass Ramdog hit up Cam, and I hit her up. Her name is Kat. I said, hey Kat, you still got that underwear from May 22nd? She said, hey, can you show me you show me which pair hun i said they were posted on craigslist on may 22nd a few minutes after that tragic attack she replied i have a few ads on there

so uh sorry you'd have to be a little bit more specific so i sent her a picture of the ad and then and then i said you posted it like 30 minutes after that awful bombing at the Ariana Grande show. You remember? I'll take them. I love that you keep bringing it up. She said, oh, I thought you saw a picture and wanted a certain pair. My bad. Yeah, sure. Would you like anything specific? I have a pink

pair on at the moment. And I said, I want whatever ones you posted on May 22nd. It's a way for me to commemorate the tragedy. Never forget. Are you going to buy a commemorative coin from the fucking History Channel infomercial at one in the morning? No, you get yourself a pair of pink panties that sweated through the paint. She said, let me see if I still have them. I said, sad stuff, huh? She said, yeah, I got them. I said, let me see if I still have them. I said, sad stuff, huh?

She said, yeah, I got them. I said, these terrorists are the worst. A lot of bad apples, if you ask me. A lot of bad apples Tom wants to rip in half. It's not that difficult to rip an apple in half. It is if you don't have mongo strength.

It's fine. It's not that hard to do a lot of things you shouldn't do. Yeah, like blow up an Ariana Grande show, apparently. Has nothing to do with apples. Shop through our Amazon link if you want to buy bulk fertilizer. I'm kidding. We got kicked off of Amazon. You did this, really?

Yeah. Also, don't do terrorism. Good save. Hey. But buy this woman's underwear. She seems like a nice person. She replied to me with, yeah, it was horrible. I heard all the emergency services driving by to get past there.

These are the panties. Sad emoji. Sad emoji. And then she snapped me a picture of what I believe is real. I think that's real because those thighs are too imperfect to be fake. Yeah. Jesus, Randy. Oh, my Christ.

That was the most offensive thing you said on the show. In no way correct. She said, these are the panties from that day. Are they okay? There's more. I replied, you were wearing them when you heard about the bombing? She said, yeah, I had them on all that day and I slept in them too. I said, you were sad while wearing them though, right?

This is upsetting. This is upsetting and I love it. This is the funniest thing I've ever seen in my life. She said, of course it was a tragedy. I said, it's important for me to know that information. She replied, I've lived in Manchester my whole life. It was a huge shock for me

and upset for me and everyone around me. And I replied, sniff, sniff, I'll take them. He put emojis. Please tell me you actually bought them. You put emojis. And that's the end of that one. Wait please tell me you actually bought them. Well she wanted my address. I did not buy them. I don't think my girlfriend would be okay with that.

I'll set up a P.O. box. Buy these panties. Well we'll see. If you buy these panties we will put them on the wall next to the Mark Malloy hat and the Mean Boys artwork. I will message her back as soon as this podcast is over. Ramsey, that was the funniest thing we've ever had on this show.

Like we said, we like having guests on the show. When we can, we plug them into the sketches. I wrote this one specifically for this guest, Jessica Michelle Singleton, very funny comedian with no further connection to anybody. Yeah, not at all. Definitely no one's ex. Jessica is hilarious, and I had this idea forever of an old-timey, like, 1930s starlet, like, wide-eyed ingenue being put into a very compromising position in the show business industry. You can probably guess where it's going, but I don't want to spoil it. So please enjoy this sketch, one of my favorites.

This is Roxy Sarsaparilla. Hey, everybody. I'm Chet Fontana, and this is Casting Couch Cream Pies. We invite real amateur sluts into our office thinking they're auditioning for a movie. But when they get here, they find out that to get the part, they're going to have to take a part of a body. The dick part. Joining me today is an adult film legend and three-time AVN award winner for most brutal anal devastation, Brick Piston. I'm gonna give this girl the ride of her life, Chet.

She's on her way up. Let's see what happens. Come in. Am I in the right place, mister? I'm looking for the casting offices of Bang Em, Cream Em, and Leave Em. You're in the right place. Come on in. Say, what a swell office this is. Heck of a lot of trophies.

You all must be real whiz-bangin', makin' pictures. Uh, yeah. Yeah, feel free to have a seat, if you like. I'll stand if it's all the same. Better for the diaphragm. Lets me really hit the cheap seats. Uh, yeah, that's fine. So, uh, tell us a little about yourself. The name's Roxy. Roxy Sarsaparilla. Actress, singer, dancer, juggler, and all-around hot cup of coffee. Uh, alright. Where are you from, Roxy?

I'm from a little town called Dullesville, Oklahoma. Growing up, the only way to keep away boredom was to go on down to the picture show. And I remember saying, Betty Davis up there on the silver screen and thinking, golly gee, that's the life for me. Got on a bus to Hollywood with nothing but a nickel in my pocket and a dream in my heart because I was born to be a star,

a great big shining star. Yeah, all right. So what experience do you have in the industry? A little bit of the old this and that, a play here, a bit part there. Got to be the lead in my school play. Oh, really? What part? Well, I was playing a tree.

They wanted me to just lurk around in the background and keep my mouth shut, but I turned on the old sasperla charm, and by the end of the show, all anybody could talk about was that singing maple taking center stage. I can still see the headlines in the town paper now. Wildly distracting child actress makes it all about her.

Right, right. So here's the deal. The film we're auditioning for today is more of an adult film. Oh, a dramatic role, huh? Well, you called the right gal. I've got a monologue ready from The Postman Always Rings Twice that's bound to knock your socks off. No, no, please just stop whatever you're doing there.

What I mean is the project involves nudity. Oh, now I get the picture. One of those stag films to rile up the fellas, hey? I wasn't born yesterday. I get your drift loud and clear. Let me slip on the old birthday suit here. Get a load of these hot tomatoes, mister. Yeah, yeah, they're great.

Could you just, like, hang that dress up? I don't want to get sequins and shit all over the mister. Yeah, they're great. Could you just hang that dress up? I don't want to get sequins and shit all over the floor. We're renting this place. You got it, boss. Now, Roxy, I'd like to meet your scene partner, Brick. Put her there, big fella. Wow, okay. You shake hands like crazy hard.

It's like my daddy always said. Weak handshake, weak constitution. Is there a script? Yeah, we don't really write these. Chet, is this fucking bitch for real? Mind your language, Brick. I'll have you know I'm as real as a U.S. silver dollar and I've got twice the shine. Okay, Brick, can you just show her what she's going to be working with today?

Yeah, okay. Holy Toledo, will you look at the size of that ding dong? I tell you, it looks like one of those big salamis they used to hang in the window of the town butcher shop. Yeah, you know what to do with it? Put it on a nice rye with a little bit of mustard and make yourself a darn fine lunch. No, yeah, no, I mean... All right, down we go.

Oh, fuck you. How is she, Brick? I mean, like, weird. I can't even feel her smiling on my dick, dude. It's confusing. Boy, I tell you, I've heard of choking on an audition, but this is ridiculous. Did I mention I do comedy as well? Dude, this is fucking creepy. I don't like this.

Yeah, I know. Just improvise. Just work with it, dude. Aw, fuck you, you little fucking whore. You got so much moxie, don't you? Darn tootin'. Alright, let's see how she fucks. Roxy, how are you getting on your hands and knees for brick? You know, back in Dullesville, I used to ride horses, but I never thought I'd get to be one. Seriously, my stand-up act is the cat's pajamas, if you want to hear more.

No, no, no, for sure no. All right, let's hear you talk dirty, Roxy. Aw, dude, why would you do that? Leapin' lizards call me Papa's rhubarb crops because I'm getting plowed. Isn't this dick in a fine? How do you do? You're really giving my petunia the business. You have got to stop talking.

You're right. How about a song? Jeepers, creepers, get in there deeper. Jeepers, creepers, right between my thighs. No, fuck it. I can't. I'm sorry, Chet. I just, I can't. I'm sorry, Chet. I just, I'm done.

I'm going back to school. Seems like that boy's got a real chicken in his hen house. Well, mister, what do you think? Did I get the part? I've been making porn for 15 years, and I gotta tell you, I've seen just about everything a man can see. I've seen threesomes and foursomes

and every number of some after that. I've seen a girl prolapse her anus, scoop it back up in a Burger King cup, and get right back in the action. But until today, I never thought I'd see the woman that could out-fuck Brick Piston. Congratulations, Roxy. You're gonna be a star.

J-Wiz! With talent, positivity, and a heaping helping of good old-fashioned heart, Roxy Sarsaparilla went on to film 87 adult films that month, including 23 Skeet Do, Cram It Up My Flapper, and the menstrual fetish masterpiece, Ragtime.

While she passed away shortly after from a medical condition called total vaginal implosion, her spirit still lives on in the hearts of every wide-eyed bumpkin who comes to Hollywood with stars in their eyes and a dream in their hearts. Well, well, well, everybody. If you're a new listener, have you ever heard the story about the Keith and the dog fucking?

No, what is it? Well, we're about to play it for you. Oh, I'm so excited. I'm so mad. I've had dozens of people come up to me in various states across this union and be like so wait what you watched a dog fuck a lady i'm like kind of yeah shut up yeah a couple walking up to keith and the man going oh honey have you heard the dog story keith can you tell her the oh yeah and watching keith just melt

and i mean this is it happened once and then it happened like a couple episodes in a row and then i just did it every time even like something tangentially related to a dog came up. Yeah, it became one of those bits where it was like really funny when it first happened, which is what you're going to hear. Yeah. Then became super not funny because you did it so much. Then circled around to being the funniest goddamn thing in the world. Oh, and I'm going to ride that sine wave all the way until the heat death of the universe. My friend, this is never going away.

It's going to go up and down until we're both dead. My life is hell. Yeah, yeah. That's because dogs don't go to heaven. universe my friend this is never going away it's gonna go up and down until we're both dead my life is hell yeah yeah and uh so they enjoy that's because dogs don't go to heaven fuck you yeah so uh keep uh keep on bugging him about it and uh enjoy the uh enjoy the genesis of the keith carey dog fucking story i'll tell a really embarrassing story that i've never told in the pockets when i was like 14, I had a dog and I was right at peak bonerdom and I read something online

about the peanut butter thing and I was like, alright, well, I'm going to do this. I remember putting peanut butter on my dick and then just looking at my dog and my dog just looking at me and just kind of going, I see your game. And just walking away. So then I just had peanut butter on my dick.

And then I was like, ah, now I gotta go wash peanut butter off my dick. I think a lot of people have done that. Did you wash it off or did you let it off? If I had that kind of flexibility, I wouldn't have needed a dog. Did he have a portal gun to get his head down there? Yeah, good lord, the amount of science. So I got friend-zoned by a dog.

Have you ever told your other dog a sex story on the show? Which one is that? Am I the only one who has not had sexual relations with an animal? Oh, I don't know if I've ever told that one. No, I haven't.

I don't think I have told that one on this show. Do you want to? Yeah, sure. I was dating a girl. It was a long time ago. So I fucked a gerbil. Sorry, go ahead.

And just to clarify because I've had people on Dated Sense be concerned. Doesn't Tom look like a really big gerbil? You do kind of look like a stern hamster. This is nobody involved

with the comedy scene. Nobody knows this person. But I was dating this girl and we were together for like a stern hamster this is nobody involved with the comedy scene nobody knows this person but i was dating this girl and we were together for like a year and then she was like oh i have this like weird thing i mean do like you know it's like a sex thing like can we try and i'm like yeah sure like i'll you know i'll do anything once and she's like okay it's like a weird kind of porn i like and i'm like okay no problem so we start fucking and she like turns it on and i look and it's just like this lady in like a warehouse that just builds russian sadness this lonely concrete room just like bent, just track pants around the ankle.

I'm like, nothing good is going to happen. And then the German shepherd walks into the frame. And I'm like, wait, what are we doing? And then the dog starts fucking this lady. Guy gets over, puts a little peanut butter on the pussy. This dog did not need any peanut butter motivation. This dog was ready to party. And the worst part of the whole thing is, number one, I't i'm like fucking from behind sorry this is so gross i'm

fucking it reminds me i can't like look away i'm just like oh well there it is yeah and then she's like wants me to like keep rhythm with the dog and this dog is profoundly out fucking me like skills and i only did that like nine more times than i said never again did you really do it nine times we did it quite a few times. It was either that or just not have sex. And I really like having sex. It's one of these things where you get a burger and you're like, well, I am allergic to mayonnaise. True story.

I got it to like compromise by just turning the audio off. I was like, if I don't have to hear it, that's fine. What did it sound like? You can get her a little. It sounded like a lady. It sounded pretty rough. Pretty rough? It sounded like a lady getting fucked by a dog. This next sketch is a pretty classic Mean Boys formula.

90s nostalgia combined with ISIS. Those are generally the two main ingredients of any good comedy podcast. And the second piece of Pokemon-related media that we've had so far, which led to an off-mic discussion about how maybe we shouldn't do that, to which we decided, ah, we already made the list. What's funny is I don't even think any of us like Pokemon that much. Not really. Fuck off.

Pokemon's fantastic. Pokemon are my dogs, Keith. You want to fuck? Well, we already talked about fucking a Pokemon. Oh, yeah, yeah. The rip has eaten its own tail. It's a Pokeboros. Yeah, this is an Onix or a Boris.

Anyway, Jesus Christ. For those of you that hadn't stopped listening, enjoy this sketch about Pokemon and Isis. Prepare for trouble and make it double. To ensure the West's self-immolation. To capture cities for a Sunni nation. To denounce the evils of Christian rule. And make it risk youths think we're cool. Jesse.

James. Team Isis blasting youths think we're cool. Jesse. James. Team ISIS blasting off at the speed of light. Surrender now or prepare to fight. That's right! Arbok, use your acid attack to disfigure that woman's face for her indecency. Aloh-Arbok!

Pikachu! We've gotta do something about this! face for her indecency. A la Horvok. Pikachu, we've got to do something about this. Pika-pee. Metapod, use grandstanding social media post. Weezing, use sarin gas on your own people. I'm pretty sure that was a different Middle Eastern thing. Shut the

fuck up. Nothing's happening. Charizard, start a flame war against someone who would never read or be influenced by your tweets. Meowth, use clitoral mutilation. With pleasure. Nothing's working. We need to save these innocent people. Pidgeotto,

use fly to bring the asylum seekers to Kanto. There's a travel bad, Ash. Nothing's going right. The only job I could find after school was an unpaid internship categorizing monsters for an old man. I've been 12 for like 20 years. Misty doesn't want to fuck me. I'll never change the world.

Wow, my cock. If you can't beat us, join us. Well, the uniforms are pretty cool. Got another one. Looks like our recruitment strategies are blasting off again. So during every show, we do a game called Which of the Following? And during one of Which of the Followings, you're about to listen to me trying to give a very complex explanation as to why I thought something was fake. And in the process, make myself look like a giant retarded dildo.

So that is pretty much the gist of it. Enjoy That Is Why. I am going Argentinian stripper, and here's why I think this. Detective Tom, there was a conspiracy that there were all those hookers down in Argentina that government officials went down and banged. So I think that subconsciously was absorbed for this made-up one, and that is why. Wow.

Tom, Tom trying to sound smart, he goes, and that, that is why. Stupid asshole. Follow my words, people. I've been trying for years. Elementary. It's got to be the guy showing his dick to Betty Ford. All right.

Good. It's the fake one. Tom is wrong. It's Betty Ford dick. And that is why. Tom got testified in front of Congress. And, yeah, so that's – there was no make-em-ups with Russia because I said so and they said so. And I deleted my email. And that is why.

That is why. Oh, my God. Your Honor. If it may please the court. Yeah, I'm just out of, you know, making a wish. I got to go away. It's all real or I'll fake it. Oh, sorry.

And that, my friends, that is why. I meant all real. I'm so glad. I need everyone who listens to this show to just tweet the phrase that is why to Tom every day for the rest of his life. I want him to have a thousand that is why's in his fucking mentions the second this episode drops. You stupid asshole. That, my friends, is why. You picture like a. Not why, blah, blah, blah, just that is why.

That's like his catchphrase at the end of some like fluff piece at the end of the news. Like an Andy Rooney type thing with Tom where he has some. That is why with Tom Garner. That is why. Tom sitting at the news anchor desk. Good night and good morning. Oh, shit. Anyway, those are all fake.

That was all a joke about us. We've talked about this before. One of my favorite things in the world is super bro-y aggression. It never doesn't make me laugh. And I created an idea for a thing called Twisted Nerve Productions, which is basically an ad agency that sells soft, gentle events to fucking Cottonmouth Kings fans. Yeah. And we've used them a lot.

We had them do a feminist music festival with Juggalos. They did a Christmas carnival. This one is one of my favorite ones. Right around the time that Wonder Woman came out and they were doing all those women-only screenings, Twisted Nerve offered up something called the Man's Film Festival. That is all for dudes and their boners. So please enjoy Twisted Nerve. Twisted Nerve Productions is the number one name in hardcore events that you shouldn't use the port-a-potties at.

Theaters in Austin and New York have offered up women-only screenings of Wonder Woman, leaving the guys out in the cold. We've heard your barrage of mopey tweets loud and clear, fellas, and Twisted Nerve is going to grab you by your neglected dicks and drag you kicking and screaming into the cinematic event of the century. Trim your nuts and practice your Family Guy voices, because it's time for the Man's Film Festival!

Why should the ladies have all the fun? While they're watching that dyke play with a sword, you'll be spending 72 hours locked in a movie theater with the manliest men 4chan has to offer. There's gonna be so much testosterone, your balls will grow dicks with beards. And this event is strictly by men, for men. Do you have a pussy?

Drown in it, trollop! We've curated three days of the most fist-clenching, no-directions-asking, salad-rejecting programming imaginable. Did you love Wolf of Wall Street? Hope so, because we're showing it three times in a row! Don't like it? Tough

tits, Sally! Go be gay somewhere else! The real-life Jordan Belfort's gonna be there, teaching you how to sell bridges to chumps. And then he's gonna bare knuckle box with Tucker Max. Winner becomes FBI director. Loser has to fuck a fat girl. Stallone's

coming. Not Sylvester. The other one. No, not Frank. His phone was disconnected. The other other one. I think his name is John. Who gives a fuck? He's bringing a special edition of Rocky. It's just the regular edition, but they pulled out the part where he cries and replaced it with a picture of a tit. The guy who does the coding for Mr. Skin is going to be there, showing a retrospective of the hottest sex scenes in history.

From Black Swan to Requiem for a Dream, from Irreversible to The Accused, you're going to be given a deeper understanding of the complex intersection of cinema and eroticism until you blow a fat load. Are you a fan of musicals? Then cram a LaCroix up your tampon hole, because we're showing three hours of Rush videos. Sure, that's not technically a movie, but if you

got a problem with it, the door's right there and you can slam your dick tip in it. Our closing night film is Fight Club, because of course it is. Sit in a room with a bunch of your bros, slide a long neck bottle of beer across your delicate lips and watch two hours of male flesh

pounding against more male flesh. And it can't be gay because it was written by a dude named Chuck. Our concession stand will only be serving the manliest snacks. The Diet Coke tap is now a Jaeger dispenser. The M&M's are now Slim Jim. And nothing doesn't have nacho cheese on it. I hope you brought a towel, Nancy,

because these snacks are a fucking catastrophe. Tickets are on sale now. All proceeds go towards re-election campaigns for male Ghostbusters. Man's Film Festival 2017! Oh, another one of my favorite things that we do on the show is the voicemails. And if you're listening

to this right now and you want to leave us a voicemail about anything at all, drop us a line at 304-805-MEAN. That is 6326 for all you fucking simpletons out there and this one comes to us from one of our listeners i actually stayed with out in indiana death of the filth uh alexis and this is one of the gnarliest things yeah we won't spoil anything about it but uh we were all caught the fuck off guard yeah and and uh she turned it into a a pretty great joke she's pretty fucking fun it's very it's very well done not only is it into a pretty great joke. She's pretty fucking fun.

It's very well done. Not only is it like a cool, fun, dark, surprising moment, but it is also the core of what we like doing with this show, which is taking something that could be just life-destroyingly traumatic and turning it into something kind of funny. Yeah. And it's really kind of, yeah, it is sort of beautiful. And then when you hear what it is, you're going to be like, they were talking about the carnival ride?

Like, what? So enjoy this voicemail from Death of the filth the gravitron hey connor i assume the one who answered these it's uh death of the filth again um please don't use that first one i fucked it up and karma will probably be really upset if she hears that one. So please let me try that again. And I would really appreciate it if you didn't air the first one. So anyway, I will start over here. Wait, what happened? As I said in my last message.

I don't know, but we probably can't say. I generally deal with personal tragedy through mockery. And by doing so, I decided to write a Mexican joke off joke. And here is my attempt at it. Republicans in the House of Representatives recently passed a bill banning abortions after 20 weeks. Learning this means my wife having a miscarriage after riding the Gravitron at the county fair is no longer a horrid personal tragedy, and is instead a serendipitously timed discovery

of a life hack. And now, ladies, you don't have to be pregnant either. a horrid personal tragedy and is instead a serendipitously timed discovery of a life hack. And now, ladies, you don't have to be pregnant either. Jesus Christ. Holy shit! The Gravitron killed my baby! I am the Gravitron. Surrender your biological

mass. All flesh is the property of the Gravitron. What a fucking champion, dude. Thank you for that, bro. Holy fucking shit.

Good joke. Best of luck to you and your wife. Hopefully you guys can bring kids into this world. Yeah, they've got a couple already, but

yeah. Nice. God bless you guys. We want more people like you. Yeah, he's cool. I met him out in Indiana.

All right. I think we're good on people in general. Not the time, Tom. I think so is the Gravitron. Gravitron. That was the worst Justice League movie. Mr. Phil's a big fan of you.

Thank you. Mr. Phil. Mr. Phil was my father. Call me Stinky Jeff. Call me Death to the. Mr. Death of I Appreciate. Call me Gravitron Call me the Harbinger of Gravitron

I'm the I'm his He has many emissaries I am one of his lords Oh no I'm a herald of Gravitron I got so much there for the Lord Alright yeah So this last one is

This is the one that's really fucked up Oh shit Alright so everyone Buckle up This is my Hi my name's Gravitron And I killed a baby. Confession email from a county fair robber.

What do I do now? The blood is on my spokes. I would give every ticket, every exchange for my services to have it back. I have defied both gravity and the will of God. All right, so this might give the guy going to prison a run for its money. Let's listen. Hey, Mean Boys. Real big fan of the show.

Just a column because I kind of had like a philosophical younger to see my maternal grandfather because my grandmother divorced him and took all the girls because they had seven children and they were all girls and found out at some point that he was abusive, he was a toucher. Part of it was that he could use being a dentist to do that.

So it was never brought, no. Nobody call him Sweeney Toddler because that would be insensitive to do that. I mean, this is all family shit that's been passed on to me.

Time out. What does he mean, passed on to me? Time out. What does he mean, passed on to me? Like now he's also a monster? I bear the curse of my father and his father before him. I kept this my grandpa up my ass for 40 years.

Gravitron, you will not stand between me and looking up the skirts of seven-year-olds. Oh, no, no. This is Gravitron. Gravitron. I was Grappatron right here. Grappatron. I was going to say Grappatron.

Oh, no. Holy fuck on my dick. What? Shut up. It's barely halfway done. Oh, no. Why? Here's the thing.

I'm glad you like the show, whoever this is. I really am. Why are you calling us? That's my mean voice. You should call the mean cops. Or like the regular ones. Any cop. Any cop is better than the best mean boy.

Call the post office. Call the coast guard, dude. Call a stripper cop. This is awful. I mean, we're going to finish this, right? Call cash for gold. Call the Coast Guard, dude. Call a stripper cop. This is awful. I mean, we're going to finish this, right? Call cash for gold. Call the Gravitron. Call a real dentist.

Yeah, do a little fucking frontier justice with Doc Holliday. Yeah, it sucks. This guy touched little kids and then gave them a lollipop afterwards. Like that. They're going to always like sweets with a guy hey i got molested didn't even get any candy so like whatever man all right uh let's continue and all i got was the slapsy t-shirt oh god no legal charges were actually ever raised against him so he was allowed to continue practicing dentistry and uh I found out a couple weeks ago that my therapist took his daughter to see him,

you know, like 10 or whatever years ago. And because my maternal grandfather has died since then, but I just, I'm in a bit of a pickle. Had a little bit of a way to phrase that. I feel like I'm in a bit of a pickle. Had to have a better way to phrase that. I feel like I'm protecting my therapist's feelings by not revealing any of this. I'm pickle pedophile. Sorry.

Information where really I should be able to do that, but like I don't want to tell him the possibility that, you know, his daughter was abused by a family member of mine, that would be really fucked up. So, I don't know. Guys, I just was calling to pose this question to you. I thought it might be worth discussing, but I just really been kind of thinking on it myself. Yeah. Well, love the show.

Have a good one. Myself, it's, uh, yeah. Well, uh, love the show. Have a good one. Have a good one. It's like, what do we do? Yeah, dude, uh, this is... Like, what am I supposed to do? I wonder what Karnak would think about your grandpa. Oh, that's a bummer, man. Oh, man, sounds like a pretty bad tragedy.

Maybe, like, your therapist needs a therapist now. Crazy. Loco. This next sketch is a weird one. This is a 2 a.m. iPhone notepad idea that I kind of kicked out a few minutes before the show, and people ended up really liking it. This is Billy Mays selling you on the idea of god i don't know how better to uh pitch it than that so we'll just cut right to it here it is hi billy mays here you might remember me as the spokesman for

oxyclean or the guy that got your daughter into. I'm coming to you today from the bowels of hell to tell you about an exciting new product, God. Now you might think that God isn't real. Well, take it from me, he sure the fuck is. I spend my life doing key bumps in between takes of me pretending to clean shit and finger banging PAs and now I live in unimaginable pain. And as soon as the skin has been seared from my bones, it regenerates only so I might feel it happen again. It's happened 17,483 times since I've been here and counting it is the only thing keeping my weak grasp on this horrifying reality intact.

Do you recognize the beauty and complexity of the universe, but choose to be grateful to nature and science? Stop doing that. God made nature, and he's pretty fucking pissed off about everybody that's not giving him credit. And he told me that if you guys keep it up with that science shit, he's gonna make a go-all Terminator on you. Do you only pay attention to the commandments

that seem to make intuitive sense to your own moral compass? Don't fucking do that even a little bit. Turns out they're all really fucking important. Even the weird covening ones. And the taking the name in vain thing. Take it from me, I've got a kidney stone made of scorpions because I blew a load in Sully's wife during the taping of season two of Pitch Men.

Do you pray? If you don't, you'd better fucking start immediately. Just start apologizing for shit. He knows it all. And this guy is like a jigsaw Santa Claus. I have to scrub my own remains out of Satan's shag carpet every day and then fuck him with a dildo made of Mighty Putty. Hell is hell and God is good. Unless you're in hell, then that guy is pretty fucking bad.

I'm only doing this because he says for every person I convert, he'll reduce the number of crocodiles I have to watch rape my kids when I close my eyes. Holy fucking shit, it's a lot of crocodiles. Repent in the next 20 minutes and save yourself and your children from this hot nightmare. Just pay separate baptism fee. Yes, he cares about baptisms. Jesus shit, that was a brutal surprise.

I'm Billy Mays, and I weep maggots at the thought of death. Repent and submit yourself to the will of God now. God's plan is better than your plan, and you are nothing without your one true creator God. God is only available in the continental United States. Obama. So we've had a Mean Boys

guest favorite, Gareth Reynolds, on several times, and the first time he was on, me and him clicked immediately, and he just kind of destroyed me in the funniest way possible. I absolutely loved it. And I tried to explain to him my many run-ins with skunks. I've been chased down by a lot of skunks. I didn't know about this.

And when you say it, I'm still like, God damn it. Tom has a strange adversarial but also friends relationship with the animal community. Here's what it is. Birds, a lot of birds are just landing on me. We chill for a while. Skunks have a problem with me. community. Here's what it is. Birds, a lot of birds have just landed on me. We chill for a while. Skunks have a problem with me. I don't know what it is. And this is mostly Gareth's take on learning about my relationship with animals.

Yeah, so enjoy this clip with one of our favorites, Mr. Gareth Reynolds. Baltimore's Nobody Kill Anybody weekend was marred by several shooting deaths. Activists behind the event also organized the Keith Carey Keto Diet and the Tom Goss Skunk Peace Talks. Wait, there really was an event called the Nobody Kill Anybody Weekend? There was, yeah. That shouldn't have to be a special thing. Where was that? In Baltimore

and a lot of people got killed. That is asking for killing, though. Yeah. That is basically being like you're better if you kill this weekend. Yeah, like I would never. It's funnier. I don't want to kill anybody, but now that they said that, basically being like, you're better if you kill this weekend. Yeah. It's funnier. I don't want to kill anybody, but now that they

said that, I'm like, oh, well, I should. I'm gonna. Yeah. Tell me what to do on my goddamn weekend.

You're not my boss. You're not my boss. I got this group on six months ago. I'm killing this lady. Put limits on my weekend. Even the lady's like, yeah, I get it.

They shouldn't tell you what to do. Yeah, okay, but fuck that. Let me tell you something. I work hard, okay? I work hard all week so I can go out in the streets. And I work hard for the murder. And just a quick sidebar.

Tom is frequently followed by skunks. Yeah, I've been chased. You're about to say chased. Yes. You've been chased by skunks. Yes. This happens a lot. Only once in Echo.

Well, no. Twice in Echo Park. Once here. And then lot. Only once in Echo, well, no, twice in Echo Park, once here, and then... Aren't we in Echo Park? Yeah, yeah. So three times in Echo Park? No, two times in Echo Park.

One at this house. He was hanging out by my, I used to live in the basement, and... Sure. Yeah. Go ahead. And then one,

I was doing a room, and then there was a skunk. I think it was mating season, and that one chased me. Or maybe the kids were nearby. To fornicate? I don't know. I think it's a protective thing. I hope it's not the fornication.

You're like Pepe Le Pew? You're like Pepe Le Pew, yeah. You're a live-action Pepe Le Pew. I guess. You're that weird cat he's trying to bang and keep changing his skunk tail. Cats like me, too. And then the third time... This skunk feels like he's not celebrating

Don't Rape a Human weekend. Stupid skunk mayor, tell me what to do. I'm taking Tom out. I don't respect the sanctity of the skunk government. Yeah, just opening the door and Tom's getting skunk fucked. Tell me what to do on my weekend. No, you don't.

Last time I checked, this was America. America, last time I checked. I don't want to work too goddamn hard. When you get a skunk rape kit, it's just a bunch of tomato juice. I don't know if you know that. It's here at the police station. Oh, God. All right.

Google is getting backlash after an employee published a 10-page memo against their diversity program. When the memo was translated into binary code, it went 001100100999. A lot of Hitler. A lot of Hitler this time. Hitler's strong. And I don't want to spoil some stuff that's going to happen in the next two segments. There's going to be more Hitler. We're not usually this Hitler-heavy.

We're themed today. Hitler's coming. You know, Gary, we found out we have a following amongst the German alt-right, which was very upsetting. So we have to – I'll tell them to stop believing that and also keep listening. We also found out that is bullshit apparently. So here's – you want a fun story? So sorry to the person that I'm busting this for, but she told Keith that. And this same person one time, I swear this is going somewhere, told me that her grandma was eaten by a horse a long time ago. And I go, okay, we've got to talk about this on a podcast.

Please. I want to hear about your grandma was eaten by a horse. And it turns out her grandma never got eaten by a horse. She was lying to me, but I believed her. You believed that she? She was Russian. She was Russian. That doesn't change a thing.

It makes it a hair more possible. Still, it's very unlike. Horse is Russian for shark. She sold it. She sold it. But now I know what she looks like. She sold it. She did.

Is this woman's initials IS? Yes. Okay, well, I know that she also believes that being transgender is a mental illness, so she's probably just, like, a dope person. She's Russian. And so we... That's not an excuse for everything. She's Russian. No, so we... Gareth is texting his publicist

right now, how do I get into a podcast? So as soon as she told Keith that, I go, I know you're lying, and she goes, yeah, but don't tell him. And I got to reveal that that was LPS on the podcast. Hooray! Hold for sound effects.

Yeah, that's Tom vamping. That was both a terrible story and a great story at the same time. That's how you do it. And eaten by a horse. Yeah, I felt really, really dumb. Why? That proves that horses are like, I'm so hungry, I could eat a person. And cows eat other cows when they're fed.

I'll fed them, you know? Russia's not a friendly place. It's like, ah, we got no more grandma, but we got a horse meal now. It made sense in my head. Tom, not one word you said in the past five minutes has made any sense. Look, why can't a horse eat a person? I'm just saying. All right, Tom, let's go through it. One, because shut up.

Two, no. Three, see one. Three people are stepping forward to sue us. They have strong jaws. Oh, my God. They're known for the strong jaws. Well, it turns out peanut butter ate your mom. Well, she's down there feeding him, but I don't know what he got scared of.

Something spooked him, and he ate her piece by piece. Oh, fuck. Three people are stepping... Your Uncle Tom got skunk fucked. Two. Earlier in the week. Animals are turning against us. This is the war that the Terminators were thought to have brought.

The Russian government is infiltrating us with reverse cannibalistic horse propaganda. Tom is like the opposite of Dr. Doolittle, but he can talk to all the animals but all they say is, fuck you, die. Trying to bang him. This next sketch is, it was around Halloween. I wanted to do some Halloween sketches. I enjoy doing sketches that relate to the holidays

and stuff, and it is semi-offensive, mostly lovable. My take on Frankenstein. I don't want to spoil it. It's the kind of offensive that Tom is allowed to do. If you were bummed out when we talked about this kind of offensive earlier, this ain't going to help.

Heads up, I was on the short bus. I was one of the people. I like how you said that. 42nd Street. Kings to La Dalle. I rode the short bus. I have my R card. 15 years on that bus.

I have my R card, and I use it far too often. My R card. Your R card. I use it far too often in this sketch. How many times do I have to tell you? That just gets you a free donut once you buy 10. Of, yeah, retarded Frankenstein in joy. The title is so bad.

We got him. We got the Frankenstein. We got the ugly bastard. All right, I got them all ganged and tied up. Well, let's get him over here. Time to burn him at the stake. All right, you monster. Your day has come.

I'm not monster. Look at this monster brought back to life, reaping terror across the town. You say you're not a monster, but if you aren't a monster, then what is? I'm not monster! All right, then. Any last words? Not that you can even put a sentence together. I'm not good at talking! I'm too special!

What? Special! I too special! Uh, what? Special! I'm special! Wait. Oh, Jesus Christ. Mother Mary and everything sacred. Mr. Mayor, I think this man's retarded. Oh, man. No, no, no, that can't be. Why does your head look like that? Data dropped me too much. No, he's fucking green.

I bet it finger painting. Well, finger painting is hard. I ain't good at it. I don't believe it. Monster, tell me, how do teachers grade your homework? Thumbs up, shiny star, gold star, and hugs and kisses. Ah, fuck me, he's retarded. Why are there bolts in your neck?

I try to make me a home. Aww. Hey, let's burn him anyway. Woo-hoo! Yeah, let's burn him. No. We'll return to the History Channel's A Brief History of Texas

after the break. We had a debate about the concept of soup and my aversion to eating it. How it started, do you remember how it started, this fight? I don't exactly know. I do, because you were telling us. We won't spoil it. Oh, you're right. Yeah, we won't spoil it.

It involves destroying a loved one's feelings. Oh, yeah. It does. That's right. That's right. Yeah. We won't spoil it, but... It involves destroying a loved one's feelings. Oh, yeah. It does, that's right, that's right. Yeah, we won't give too much away. Well, Connor is just... I've known Connor for a long time, and he's just, like, weird, and, like, will only eat, like, chicken fingers

and burritos he trusts. Yeah, yeah. He's like just a frightened child about any kind of food. I got a lowercase r card. Let's just put it that way. I watched his man... You have a soft A. I watched him, like, cry softly when somebody tried to make you eat rice one time.

Oh, yeah. I've actually started eating rice. You flipped on rice. I've expanded my horizons a little bit. We brought up the concept of giving Connor soup, and then he got madder than is possibly justified. I was just in some kind of mood. I mean, I'm a very moody. Not like normally.

You're normally such a ray of goddamn sunshine. All right. Shut up. You're fat. Good point you're a fat guy all right that's what you are whatever you autistic dingus if you can't tell by the the the butter and gorgonzola crumbs that are just coming through your earbuds into your fucking head from keith's throat i'm sitting next to a very fat human being i'm not even that fat you're not but i mean yeah people keep meeting keith on the tour and they're being like yeah ke not even that fat. You're not, but I mean, yeah, people keep meeting Keith on the tour and they're being like, yeah, Keith is like fine. Yeah, I weigh like 10 pounds more than Tom

and somehow I'm the fucking butter dump and Tom is... Well, you're also like five inches shorter. Fuck you, you lying piece of shit. I am one inch shorter than you. You're like 4'11". I am one... Fuck you!

What is happening to me? You're basically an Oompa Loompa. I'm also Asian. I should make up more fun lines. Well, I wouldn't go that far. I am wearing a Ben Sherman shirt. That's the one thing that's true. Actually, Samoan is Asian. Oh, that's a good point. I'm not really. I'm barely

Samoan. I'm Samoan the way like... Oh, now you don't rep it. Now you don't rep it. I'm Samoan the way like a boring white girl at Coachella is like a tenth of Pac-12. Yeah, could you get a college scholarship amount of Samoan? I don't know. I haven't looked into it. Could you get a job as a bouncer? I think it's a little late for me to get a college scholarship, dude. Oh, no, I know, but I mean hypothetically. What about a high school scholarship? Yeah, I haven't looked into it. Could you get a job as a bouncer? I think it's a little late for me to get a college scholarship, dude. Oh, no, I know. But I mean, hypothetically.

What about a high school scholarship? Yeah, I think you can just go. Yeah, a GED scholarship? Yeah. Oh, that's 500 iTunes reviews. Yeah, you get money. Please get to GED. I'll get my GED for 500, dude.

I'll do it for 1,000. All right. So anyway, here's an argument we had about soup. What a good intro. I've also seen you have a fight with a with a girlfriend over soup like it's uh yeah well she wanted me to eat soup and i'm like i've never eaten soup in my dull life it's you should and i just never it's i don't even love soup like liquids shouldn't be savory and that's just my opinion all right call me a racist a racist. I will. You're dumb. Yeah. So, yeah, I don't want to eat soup.

And she's like, what would you eat soup if I made it? And I was like, no. Yeah. Like, what if I made my favorite soup and I sat down and we could share it together? Would you just try it? Would you just try a sip? And I was like, I don't want to. I don't know why you do that.

That seems like a counterproductive, stupid thing to do. Well, because the answer you're supposed to give is, yeah, sure. Because somebody is making a sweet gesture and you're trying to be. I told her I don't thing to do. Well, because the answer you're supposed to give is, yeah, sure, because somebody's making a sweet gesture and you're trying to be like, fuck it. I told her I don't want to do it. I know, she's not doing it. More soup for you. How about that?

Because it's not about the soup. It's about she wants to do a nice thing for you. I don't give a fuck about, what am I supposed to share this soup experience? Yes! Like we're doing mushrooms under the star. Oh, a person cared about me enough to make soup for them. She didn't actually make the soup.

This is all a hypothetical. Well, she would have made the soup if you weren't a cunt about it. Yeah, I think I. She didn't actually make the soup. This is all a hypothetical. And I frankly... Well, she would have made the soup if you weren't a cunt about it. Yeah, I think I saved her the trouble, dude. Dude. Who the fuck... What kind of soup was it? I don't know.

Some dumbass soup. Knowing the girl, because it's the girl I think it is, right? Yeah. It was not going to be good soup. But that's not the point. I would have eaten the soup. Yeah, Tom gets it. Well, yeah, no.

Look, you think I want to see Frozen twice? I think you now. I want to see Frozen once. I think it's a stupid thing to do to expect people to try the things that you like if they don't want to. Here was my rule. I can't think of a worse hell than dating you. I'm a wonderful boyfriend. I watched a movie.

I shut the fuck up. And then I screamed about it when I got home and she wasn't around. Yeah, that's fine. That's totally the right way. And then when she asked me if I liked it, I got home and she wasn't around. Yeah, that's fine. That's totally the right way. And then when she asked me if I liked it, I said no. But if you need me to, I'll find a way to enjoy most things if it's

important to you. I don't think it should be, but I'll suck it up and do it. It's so weird that somebody who is ostensibly a professional artist has so little regard for anybody who enjoys art on any emotional level. I get it. I just don't like, why do you need to show this to somebody?

If you think they'd like it, but a lot of times... You realize we opened this show by being able to tell a friend and subscribe, right? We forget to do that. We forget to do that most of the time. You understand the irony of what you are. It's not for me. I don't think I've ever told anyone to look at anything.

You fucking liar. I know I have, but I just don't think I've ever told anyone to look at anything. Mean boy. Super. Fucking liar. I know I have, but I just don't. Why is this so important? All of our bonus content, are you just showing us things you like? It's just funny YouTube videos. Yeah, it's just things you like. It's things I like. It's things that I know you're going to hate.

It's YouTube video. Yeah, it is. It's a YouTube video. No, it's not a funny one. It is kind of funny to watch you hate it. It is not kind of funny. It's a YouTube video. No, it's not a funny one. It is kind of funny to watch you hate it. It is not kind of funny. It's interesting. You don't think anybody would show you a movie because they thought you would hate it and that would be funny?

No, I look at the YouTube stars from an anthropological, almost racist perspective. You're so full of shit. No, I do. I'm fascinated by how society... This dumbass ate soup. He's soup eating motherfucker. Yo, epic prank. We trick Connor McSpadden into eating soup.

I'm going to pour soup into you with a funnel at some point. I'm not. I don't want to fucking eat your goddamn soup, bitch. I know that's what the funnel is for. Cheesy bread on top of it. French onion. Cheesy bread on top. Dude, let's get French onion soup right now.

It's so good. Yeah, go fucking drown it, you pieces of shit, dude. All right? And I don't know. Tell your friend to get over his fucking dead secretary, you bitch. We're offering you soup. I don't give a fuck. I don't give a fuck.

If Barack Obama walked in here right now, hey, Connor, I'd love to. I'm Bill Clinton. Soup. I don't know. Pick your fucking poison. Yeah, if Obama did it, it would be a trick. He doesn't have any reason to talk to you. Oh, that got really dangerous? Yeah, I Obama did it, it would be a trick. He doesn't have any reason to talk to you. Oh, that got really dangerous?

Yeah, I don't know. Whoever, person, I don't know. Some famous, wow, can you believe? If they're like, you want to get some? I'd be like, oh, watch you eat soup. I'll have some bread. This is Connor's version of would you suck a dick for a million dollars. Like, would you eat soup to become friends with this celebrity?

I don't, there's no, nothing in my personal development or life or career or health necessitates me eating soup, something I don't want to do. But you might like soup. It looks gross to me, and I'm not going to be able to get over that. No, it doesn't. I eat food. I don't think it looks gross. You've been wrong about stuff before. You've tried stuff.

I have, yeah, but soup, I'm not going to get it. I don't even like soup that much. It's just the principle of the thing. There's a whole mental block. It just looks gross to me. I know this is like soup that much. It's just the principle of the thing. There's a whole mental block. It just looks gross to me. I know this is a very autistic thing. At least acknowledge that it's a you personal thing, and it's not like a weird moral superiority thing.

That's all I need. I don't think if you know that I feel this way about soup, which a lot of people do, that you should say, but what if I made you my special soup? I don't want to fucking eat your soup, lady. All right? You're just going to watch me choke down the soup that you lovingly made and lie through my teeth about, oh, no, it's not that bad.

And you're like, I can make it again next week. I'm like, no, that's okay. I love that your version of trying to be nice is, it's not that bad. That's the best possible scenario I could foresee. Oh, God. It's gross to me. What about gumbo? I enjoy gumbo.

You're saying gumbo is soup. No, it's not. It's chunkier. Gumbo is soup. Soup is just a straight up... It's just fucking weird chicken water. You're thinking of broth, asshole. Soups can be chunky.

I know, but even then, most of the chunky soups... And that gumbo, I really did have to eat to be polite because I was a guest in their home. And I didn't love it, but I fucking made it happen. It was okay. It wasn't great, but I could do it. You're backpedaling your love of gumbo. I don't love gumbo.

I've eaten gumbo, and it's fine. Fucking gumbo lover. I like chili every now and again. I like chili. Chili is gross. It is gross, but it's good. No, soup, on the other hand, the thing I've never tried, I know for an empirical fact I would hate. Even though soup is such a broad...

I might as well be saying food is bad. There's so many kinds of soup. I just like... I don't know. Tom's afraid. Tom's afraid. I like sauce, and I know you're going to say a soup is just a big sauce. Yeah, that's...

Yeah. But it's like I don't want to... It's meal sauce. Tom, you're afraid of claymation. Yeah, I can't help that. I've tried that. I'm afraid of eating soup. I don't want to. It's meal sauce. Tom, you're afraid of claymation. Yeah, I can't help that. I've tried that. I'm afraid of eating. I don't know.

No, that's not comparable. You've never thrown up watching Chicken Run. That doesn't compare. Tom, what if I told you that I saw the most beautiful claymation film and it made me understand myself better as a person? I was going through some stuff. I'd be like, there's some good claymation plots out there. I get it. I just can't.

It's hard for me to watch without wanting to squirm. But I still enjoy a lot there's some good claymation plots out there. I get it. I just can't It's hard for me to watch without wanting to squirm, but I still enjoy a lot of the plots in claymation films. You're a terrible boyfriend. I would watch a claymation film for a girl, for sure. I'd tell them that I might puke on them partway through or something. I might puke on

you if you make me eat your fucking soup. I'm not making you eat anything. I'm just bringing up soup dialogue. I want to not yell about soup anymore this is the me boys keith we're soup based now i'm mostly just trying to be trying to be funny here i don't it was nice for it after make the soup i just didn't want to eat it and i felt bad chili and i was and i did the thing where i was just too blunt about it and she was like would you would you try it if i made it and i was like i'm gonna be real with you probably not i mean if you're gonna funny thinking about you like saying these words to a woman and then being like why is she mad what did i do i'm just being

straight i ran the program i did i did what i'm being honest you fucking dope i think i was like if it was a big deal to you i'd probably choke it down you fundamentally misunderstand how a human emotion works i get it i just don't agree i'm just like i that's not how i operate i know i know agree with emotion it's so funny it's just so funny and i i don't remember exactly what it would all happen but she was just like well yeah this like why would you say that and i'm like i'm just trying to be honest with you i mean if you if you really wanted to do something nice for me, you'd never bring up soup ever again. Like you just being this cold community college dropout Spock and then just fucking shitting yourself in all these Curb Your Enthusiasm moments. Would you eat spaghetti to save Keith's life?

Yeah. Yeah. Would you eat spaghetti just in general? It's not soup. Probably. I wouldn't order it. Well, somebody made spaghetti. If someone made me spaghetti?

I've made you spaghetti. If I make house spaghetti, would you eat spaghetti? I've done this. No. No, I would get something else. Yeah, I've done this. Would you do it just on principle because I'd like to see if you like spaghetti? No, I just wouldn't want to eat it.

If I was starving, I could eat spaghetti. We are going in such circles. Yeah. All right. That animal you found is spaghetti. Which one do you eat first? Which animal? Wait.

Oh, I thought you said that animal you found. I'm like, what? Let's go rabbit. Yeah. Of course I would eat spaghetti over roadkill. I'd eat soup over roadkill if I'm starving to death. Okay. We're talking about a dinner date where we can eat literally anything that we can fucking

get access to with all of our money. So what do you eat about a dinner date where we can eat literally anything that we can fucking get access to with all of our money. So what do you eat on a dinner date? I don't know. I usually eat beforehand. I also don't go on dinner dates, you know? I'm not like, oh, let's go to Fleur de Lis or whatever.

What the fuck is Fleur de Lis? It's a restaurant from a Patton Oswalt joke, which is one of the only fucking restaurants I could think of i don't know yeah you i don't think ladies out to applebee's keith why why not midwestern woman like i don't know because i don't take pictures out to anywhere you're just going to their studio apartments and like making weird faces because they try and feed you food i don't i we discussed it beforehand i shoot the idea down before they get the ingredients god you fucking cyborg built to do nothing dude i've had i've been in environments where i had to eat shit that a gal had made or like she'd made for a family and i i do some real fucking feeding the the the dog vegetables type shit it's like sneaking it and

fucking going to the bathroom with my whole plate with me what's so funny is that you think you're getting away with it, and then immediately they're like, so yeah, that weird kid is just throwing the food in the toilet, right? No, I don't think I've ever thrown food in the toilet, but I'd always just be like, oh, yeah, I'm allergic to everything. Sorry. I believe I... I'm sorry.

The image of Cotter Trite, instead of a dog, he's feeding soup to a goldfish. Why is the goldfish floating in the bowl? I thought since it was clam chowder, it'd be good for him. Because there's fish, right? Yeah, clam-able-ism. Another recurring character of the show is a Boston meathead named Mark Malloy. This started out with a very early sketch where I thought it'd be funny to have a dude from South Boston open up an anime emporium out of the back of a pickup truck.

Mark has since evolved. He has stopped a man from committing suicide. He has opened a daycare. He's always opening a business. Yeah, he's pretty much the Bugs Bunny of Mean Boys. He is, and he's a fun character because he's weirdly woke in a very meat shit way. He's right in the wrongest way he could possibly be. woke in a very like ignorant way. Meat shit way. Yeah. He's right in the

wrongest way he could possibly be. This is a great example of this. This is right after all the Me Too shit started popping. He's a good hearted brick. He really is. So we decided to have Mark Malloy come in and give a little bit of a sexual harassment seminar to any confused men out there. So please enjoy Mark Malloy on Sexual Assault.

How the fuck are you, everybody? It's your boy, Mark Malloy. You know me as an entrepreneur, semi-reliable dope guy, and as South Boston's most trusted name in never calling the fucking cops. The state of Massachusetts has asked me to record this video. And by asked, I mean this is community service on account i got popped for drinking three bottles of cough syrup at a bruins game and trying to hotwire the zamboni took four reticops to get me out of the garden i swear to fucking god kid doctor said i went into

something called nyquil frenzy i guess it's like being a fucking werewolf except instead of a silver bullet the only way to stop me is to strap me to a gurney until i sweat out a whole pint of codeine it's fucking bonkers kid anyway enough about. Sexual harassment has been all over the news. Every fucking time I turn on the TV, some other movie star's gotten popped for yanking their crank at some broad ain't into it. Jerking off in front of a scared lady is the new Judaism, because everyone in Hollywood loves it, and I think it's fucking gross. Now look, I get it. I know how it is to see a hot little piece of tang hanging out on the corner and you go all fuck nuts. And it's like your comm is trying to tunnel through your balls like they're a wall at Shawshank.

But the fucking rules now, kid. And we all got to catch up and learn about something called consent. I know, I never heard about it either. But that's why I'm going to teach you the do's and don'ts of responsible fucking. You'll learn how to respect the boundaries and personal space of all whores. And if you pay attention, you might just learn how to get some honest puss. Boston City Law currently defines consent as, quote, a sexual encounter in which the woman is alive and the man is white. I don't know what the rules on homo stuff are. I think they filed that under witchcraft.

So, I don't know, call your congressman or whatever. However, it's a little bit more complicated than just that. For example, we've all been in a situation where we piped up some drunk gal in a bathroom. Tail as old as time. Seems fine, right? Apparently, no. See, if you're too drunk, apparently you can't make responsible choices. And that's fucked up.

So it's like this. Last week, my cousin Little Pete drank a bottle of Windex and he gets fucking shithoused, okay? So we dragged his ass down to that tattoo shop down on Blue Hill. Had that guy give him a tramp stamp that says Puerto Rican cum goes here. And then an arrow pointing to his butthole so nobody gets confused on where the Puerto Rican cum goes. And sure, he thought it was a good idea then,

but he wouldn't have done it sober, and he sure as fuck wasn't stoked about it in the morning. So it's like that, but the tattoo is your dick. If you're wondering if she's too drunk to party, a good test is the eyeball check. Look at her eyes. If they're pointing away from each other other get her a glass of water and try again in 15 minutes a good rule of thumb is to remember this phrase eyes in the same direction get an erection left one a drift collar a lift here's a fun scientific statistic according to recent research there's

evidence that girls also enjoy fucking so if they want to sit on your junk they will let you know if you find yourself in a situation where you're trying to persuade abroad into sex knock it off take the l walk away with dignity and go find a girl with lowest standards i've spoken to several feminists in the wild and once they stopped slapping and yelling they actually taught me a thing or three it turns out out no means no, and not as I used to believe, no means go really slow like you're trying to sneak past a T-Rex. If you're getting into that freaky-deaky whips and chains shit, first of all, nice. Second of all, make sure you got a safe word,

something nobody would ever, ever say during sex. You know, like, go Yankees, Mike Pence. If you're into choking, really, really, really make sure she's into choking. Get that shit in writing. With a contract and a notary and shit. It's a lady's neck, not a boat you buy in cash on Craigslist. Cover your fucking bases, kid. And if she ain't going to be able to talk for a while, I don't know, maybe make her a sign that says help like fucking Wile E. Coyote.

If you're like me, and if you're in a situation where they're making you watch this video, you're probably a lot like me, you probably think this is all bullshit. I get it. I used to think feminism was just a natural enemy of me getting a sandwich. And that broads told people they got touched because they wanted attention and weren't pretty enough to be on TV. But I've learned a lot. And believe me, nobody is more surprised by that than me. I haven't learned a lesson since 1996.

And that lesson was how to hotwire a Zamboni and we all know where that got me but i talked to a bunch of ladies and we've been doing them 30 i'm fucking serious you know how hard it is to be a broad and southie imagine it you're an eighth grade dropout you're waiting tables for fuck shit an hour you probably got a fucking brood of mush mouth mick babies because your old man's doing 25 to life for kicking a cop in the neck. And you're strung out on pills you stole from your dog. And on top of that, you got to dodge dicks all day like Indiana Jones running past a bunch of Mexicans with blowguns.

It's fucked up, and we got to do better, kid. Plus, best of all, as it turns out, being respected and treated like a human being gets chicks horny as fuck. I swear to God, I was chatting up this goofy Harry Pitts college chick At Kalani's last night And I just like Listened to her talk For 45 minutes As it turns out

She's kind of funny She's cracking jokes About pussy farts She put ACDC on the jukebox Fucking cool chick kid Sure she was a little hoity toity Kept trying to get me into Some kind of juice cleanse

Voodoo bullshit But hey Fucking poverty's nerfect She ended up taking me Back to her place And I swear to God She rode my dick Like it was the last lifeboat

off the Titanic. She was even showing me new tricks. I didn't even think that was possible. Did you know chicks eat ass now? It's a bright fucking future, kid, and it starts with you and me. All right, can I go home now? As much as we, like, prepare shit for the show

and, like, write sketches and stuff, a lot of times the goofiest shit is just when me and Connor lock in and realize we both like doing dumb song parodies. Yeah, there's a lot of them. And that's where I just kind of lean back and watch the magic. This is one of my favorite moments of the Best Of episode. Yeah, from one of my favorite episodes. If you're going to go back and check out one classic episode

to get the flavor of the show, I recommend Private Applebee's. Yeah, Private Applebee's or Meat Bikini with Gareth Reynolds. That's one of my favorites. But, yeah, this is – yeah, because Keith and I have basically been avoiding talking to other people and just sitting in a corner and making fun of them. For half a decade at this point. Yeah, yeah, and we just sort of – I'm just like, oh, okay, well, I'm going to be next to you. And then I don't have a lot of interactions without you guys now. So when I'm out alone sometimes, I'm like, oh, where's my – it's like I got a phantom limb syndrome.

But for calling somebody gay, I'm just like, oh, man, I went to do it and it was gone. I need to get a hook or like a cardboard cut out of you. It's like a puppet, the hand puppet. Have you ever heard the dog fucking story? Oh, I fuck a dog. I don't know why I made the puppet you say that. Like you love talking about it. As we're doing this, I am petting a dog.

And there's no – What the fuck does that have to do with anything? The puppet me has a smaller puppet me on his head. I was hearing the dog fucking story. No, I haven't. I love sucking dick more. No, I do. Russian nesting.

Why do our voices sound the same? Anyway, I suck a bunch of dick. Here's us singing Applebee's songs. Yeah, enjoy. And the Mean Boys podcast returns with a new middle segment, an idea submitted by a fan of the show, Brian Cox. Very funny comic. Check him out.

It's Halloween. We want to do something a little spooky movie specific. So this is a game called Screamo Song or Giello Movie. Do you guys know what Giello is? No. I could be pronouncing it wrong. What do you think Giello is? It's that Come Sail Away singer.

That's Styx, isn't it? Yeah, what could you possibly think? Is that the name of the guy in Styx? Is it similar? There's no chance in fuck that Tom knows the name of the singer of Styx. It's one of those dumb... I'm looking up lead singer of Styx. Here's the thing. Either way, you're not correct.

Okay, Dennis DeYoung, James Young, Tommy Shaw. None of them sound like Giallo in the slightest. I was thinking of Cher. Let's move on. Well, that went exactly how I wanted it to. Giallo movies are Italian horror movies. Like the way you think is just like a tesseract of bullshittery. Oh, like Gelato.

And Cher is Italian? No. What? Shut up, Tom. There are Italian horror movies from the 70s and 80s. They have retarded titles, and they're usually just about, like, boobs and fucking, and then just way too much blood. Number five. A lizard in a woman's skin. We're not doing porn comedy overview, are we?

Lizard in a woman's skin. This is about Ivanka Trump. I was about to say. I was about to make a Carly Fiorina joke, but I forgot her name. You son of a bitch. I don't know what move that is. What move? It's a street fighter combo.

It sounds like a crazy flying knee. I'm going to say. Carly Fiorina. I thought a move like a dance move. Do the cha-cha twist. Do the Carly Fiorina. I thought a move like a dance move. Do the cha-cha twist. Do the Carly Fiorina. Oh, yeah. That's in fucking Dance This Mess Around.

The Aqua Velva. The Carly Fiorina. Collude yourself. I don't know. Friends with Russia. Friends with Russia. Did you just say Red Lobster? It wasn't Red.

Lobster. Rock Lobster. Cheddar Bay biscuits under the dock. Overpriced crab. Here is the soup. Everyone had a bib. But it wasn't a bib. The Crab Shack is a little crab place where we can dip in butter. Could have gone to Sizzler

Crab Shack, baby I got the surf and the turf And you mix it all up You're living in your own private BJ's Let's just do train the beef 52's Let's just do beef 52 chain restaurant parodies For the rest of the episode. Your own private Applebee's.

Your own private Applebee's. Up from the ground with a blooming onion. Let's sit out on the patio. Beware the heat lamps. They get kind of hot. Oh, my God. I'm trying to do something with Rome. Oh, God damn it.

All right, last one. Murder Rock. But it wasn't a rock. Murder Rock. Lobster. Kinnil, Kinnil. Lobster's got a knife. Lobster's got a knife Lobster's got a knife He's coming in tight

Got the rhythm section going for nothing Nothing, Jerry Nothing Rock Lobster, Jerry Lobster bit of rocks It's murder Rock murder Murder rock

Ooh This sounds like a song Which makes me feel like it's a movie So I'm gonna say it's a movie Okay I'm gonna say movie Counter's a movie. Okay. I'm going to say movie. Counterbat in a Thousand.

That is the movie. That is an 80s disco musical about a series of murders at a dance academy in Italy. And, man, watch the trailer for this movie. Murder at the dance academy? It starts with somebody just counting down in German, and then there's just a bunch of unattractive 80s. We're going to just find a disemboweled Billy Madison. Yeah, it's literally just 80s unattractive Olivia Newton-John fucking leotard dancing, and then they just periodically cut to boobs, and then the boobs being stabbed. It's insane.

Have you guys ever seen Ice Scream? No. No. It is the absolute worst film. It's supposed to be a horror film. Okay. And it's about a guy who opens an adult ice cream shop to save the shop.

It's all porn stars are the actors. It is just painfully horrendous. Keith, you have to see it. That sounds amazing. You might be the only person on this planet that ends up appreciating this film.

It sounds wonderful. It's so bad. Let's check out it's everybody goes to rb's yeah carter checked out of the show a while ago and it just made it like beautiful mind fun world are you like just looking out more b-52 songs and restaurants yes i haven't i'm cross-referencing this big picture of fast food chains and also this list of Beef and 252 songs. Remember all those

really good characters from earlier? Here's another one. Yeah, this is... This is... What did you even think of this? What was the impetus

for this? Like, a lot of times when I'm panicking and can't come up with a sketch, I just come up with funny names. Yeah.

Like P90XY, the workout one. Yeah, yeah. I just started because I thought it'd be funny to have a dude named Dirk Nutguzzler. Yeah, yeah. And then I was like, alright, he could be like a CrossFit bro, and then it just spun out from there. This one started at Alligator Dave and it ended at Alligator Dave. Yeah, his whole personality is

just imagine a guy named Alligator Dave. Yeah, I love weird swamp fuck reality television. He's like Florida Boomhauer. Yeah, kind of, where they just follow around these dingbats from the fucking boonies who should just die drunk on a fan boat. Instead, they just throw TLC checks at him, and then they're just like, well, I guess I get to be interviewed on Fox News for some reason. Apparently, I got my own line of barbecue sauce now. Yeah, and it was, you know, phone boys to do,

just get all weird and hibbity dibbity. So, yeah, it was a good little fuck around. There's a fun little turn on the end of it. So please enjoy the first appearance of Alligator Dave. Coming up next on A&E, it's America's favorite reality show, Alligator Dave's Swamp Wranglers. World-renowned swamp hunter Daveave alligator dave laboe takes you

deep into the swamps of louisiana hunting the dangerous creatures that live there with his trademark blend of homespun wisdom and incoherent moonshine ramblings it's the newest and most popular show on a and e's new white trash exploitation wednesdays are you laughing with alligator dave or at Alligator Dave? No one knows. Who cares? Not our advertisers, that's who. Stay tuned. Hey there, TV people.

It's me, Alligator Dave. I was born and raised in this here swamp, and now y'all and y'all big city cameras gonna see how we do things down here. Today we're looking for a real mean alligator operator. Goes by the name of Dr. Chompers, M.D. How do I know the gator's name? How you gonna ask me how I know what I know about gators

when you know I know what I know on account of being an alligator, Dave? Now, last we done see Dr. Chompers, he was swimming right around here. Word is he been eating them dogs live out on the bouldery farm. So you see a collar, you give alligator Dave a holler. Sorry, guys, hold. Quiet now, you're gonna scare the gator off. I just got a note from the network.

We need you to read this into the camera. We're being rude to the audience. Boy, ain't you got no manners? Ladies and gentlemen, this here is Alligator Dave's producer, a fella I call Jerry the Jew. Hey, Dave, could you not? I've told you, like, so many times why it's not okay to call me that. Oh, I'm sorry. Where'd my head done gone?

I figured you want to keep that Jew stuff on the hush-hush. People got opinions about y'all. Not Alligator Dave, though. I ain't afraid of no heebie-jeebie Hebrew whatnots. Sorry, where my head done gone? I figured you want to keep that Jew stuff on the hush-hush. People got opinions about y'all. Not alligator Dave, though. I ain't afraid of no heebie-jeebie Hebrew whatnots. My mama taught me voodoo to beat your Jew voodoo real true. Yeah, uh, fucking fine. Just, just read this.

Okay, let's see what all the fuss is here now. Let me put on my reading spectacles. Dave, there's, there's no lenses. Boy, you keep interrupting me, I'm gonna go upside your booty with Mama's gumbo scoop. Okay, let's see. Oh, mercy, mercy, mercy. Ladies and gentlemen, it is Alligator Dave's somber duty to inform you that America has been attacked by terrorizers. Since here, they done went all boom-boom, done took down the whole Golden Gate Bridge.

Truly, this is a moment that will live on in infirmity-flammity. Now, if Alligator Dave could editorialize for a moment. No, no, Dave. gonna take my buck knife to your ankles feed you to a mudfish you don't shut that craw hole as alligator dave was saying personally ain't no nothing to me they blow up that bridge per se and then keeps them limp noodle dandy boys out my swamp is they okay and i'll get a dave's book but regardless this means war between the usa and them no goodgood, low-down hotch-go-goos. Now, some of y'all might be scared, but not Alligator Dave. See, I've been squirreling and ferreting away a little bit of whatnot here and there, and I got me a bunker that's 100% bonafide boom-boom proof.

I got guns, ammo, more kinds of jerky than your city brains can comprehend, and a moat full of protection gators. So y'all keep making your TV hooey. I'm going to get back to the compound. Come on, everybody. Come with me. The Jew can come, too, but but he's gotta sleep in the yard. Is he...

Yeah, he's gone tight. Okay, I guess that's a cut. Next week on Alligator Dave. Alligator Dave finds out that he's full-on illiterate. That note from the network was actually an ad for Rice-A-Roni, and he only recognized the word San Francisco, and then just

kind of filled out the rest in his mind. Plus, Jerry the Jew reads a lot of misspelled hate mail, and Dr. Chompers, M.D., becomes head of surgery at Baton Rouge Memorial Hospital. A&E. Remember when we used to show operas and shit? Alright, the Van Damme Academy. Ah, son of a bitch.

More than any other thing on the show, I think this one pisses off Tom the most. It does. It does. Because it was something that I learned as a kid that was misinforming me, and I misinformed you. Yeah, and then you got older and did not realize that you were wrong as a child. It's like if you thought that dogs and cats were the boys and girls of the same species, but like six months ago. And I got to make it clear, I did not go to this school.

I just visited, and then some dipshit who was in charge of stuff told me this. We should explain what we're talking about. We're talking about the Van Damme Academy, which if you've listened to the show for a while, you know it's become a little bit of a running gag. But yeah, Tom was led to believe that he was applying to a school run by Jean-Claude Van Damme. I don't want to spoil it. So we'll let you hear for yourself whether or not that was actually the case. It could

have been. Very probable. But like, nah. Tom loves getting tweets about this. So enjoy this next clip. Hey everybody, this is the Mean Boys podcast and we have a new game that I've created for your listenership. Fact

or fiction? Do you guys expect this game to make sense? No, not at all. We'll see. I just love how excited and terrified Tom looked to bring it back from commercial. Oh boy. Fiction. Tom is behaving even more so today like he just got

unfrozen and woke up in modern day. Ice age. He's like a caveman lawyer without the law degree. So how this game... Encino Man Child. I know that's a movie. I don't know what it's about. Pauly Shore's Greatest Hits.

Yeah. That's actually a good movie. It's a fun movie. Oh, okay. Sean Astin. Yeah. I like him. I heard he has a filthy car.

Tom, what the fuck? Were you reading the trades last week and it was in Variety? A filthy car? No, I was talking to a guy who does valet service and he said he was telling me how dirty Sean Astin's car is. Anyway, inside

celebrity gossip here on the Mean Boys podcast. This week on TMZ. Tom, TMZ. Okay, so how this game works is I'm going to read you a description of a plot, and you guys have to decide whether or not it's from a movie, TV show, or book, or something that I've actually done. A middle school student tries to join a school founded by Jean-Claude Van Damme, but withdraws when he finds out they have placed him in the second grade.

Okay, this is either a pretty good Adam Sandler movie or the impetus for Tom's first mental breakdown. There's so much to unpack here. Yeah. Can you read that part by part? A middle school student... Already a problem. ...tries to join a school founded by Jean-Claude Van Damme... Okay.

What? ...but withdraws when he finds out they have placed him in the second grade. I'm going to say fiction. I'm going to say fiction as well. I'm going to go with fiction because I don't believe that Jean-Claude Van Damme has started a school. This is fact. What? What?

It's called the Van Damme academy in orange county hang on how sure are you that it was jean-claude van damme uh i'm almost i'm very sure googling it yeah we're gonna find out because if it's not i'm gonna laugh at you until you die van damme academy wait so they put you in second grade? Well, they said that I could take the – because they had K through high school. They're like, you can be in high school for English, but for everything else, you're in the second grade. So, yeah. They weren't confident in my math skills. No one is.

I'm not. When I was in first grade, I was going to a school, and I got stabbed in the neck by a little girl with a pair of scissors. Sure. And I couldn't be in that class anymore. And so my mom went to talk to the principal, and the principal was like, well, the only other class we have is a Spanish-speaking class. We can put him in that one. And she's like, well, he doesn't speak Spanish. And they're like, well, then fuck him.

Like, there's no solution. Okay. Yeah, I'm doing some research here. It is in no way funded by Jean-Claude Van Damme. So I think that I still get at least a half a point for that one. Yeah. Does it say who it's founded by? Because anyone who's also named Van Damme, it's a large world.

No, no, no. I know, but that's what they told me. Are you just even sad this whole time because you thought that Jean-Claude Van Damme rejected you? No, no, no, no. He also might not be affiliated anymore. Van Damme Academy began 20 years ago with a message on my answering machine. The message from us families in California. We're looking for a private homeschool teacher for their two children.

We're looking for a mutual friend that I might be a good candidate for the job. This does not sound like the kind of phone call that... Hold on. Wait, wait, wait. This is our story by Lisa Van Damme. Is the school logo like a silhouette of a man doing the splits on two chairs? That's the case. Well, to be fair a silhouette of a man doing the splits on two chairs? If that's the case. Well, to be fair, it's a round schoolhouse, so.

Well, then they lied to us about Mr. Van Damme. No, you for sure just thought that. No, Tom, you just for sure took a nap in class and then had a karate nightmare and woke up and decided. That's how I learned who Jean-Claude Van Damme was. I had no idea who the fuck they were talking about. Who do you think Jean-Claude Van Damme is. I had no idea who the fuck they were talking about. Who do you think Jean-Claude Van Damme is? He's an action star. The principal of that school. Yeah, fucking Jack-Claude Van Der Pump or whatever.

Yeah, he beat up all those fucking Ruskos. All right. One more thing we need to touch on, and then we'll wrap up and get out of here. Oh, I forgot about this. Yeah, so just to catch you up on this. Tom, when he was a kid, got accepted to a school – or didn't get accepted, but he applied to a school. Oh, no, not damn it. Shut up.

Listen. He applied to a school called the Van Damme Academy in Orange County. Now, he was convinced. He says that he was told that it was founded by Jean-Claude Van Damme. Oh, my God. I knew you were going to say that, Keith. And here's the thing. We told him no.

We told him there's no way that's true. We Googled it. There was no information. There's no link at all. Yeah, and he's insistent. He won't believe us. He won't believe anybody we've asked.'s no way that's true. We Googled it. There was no information. There's no link at all. Yeah, and he's insistent. He won't believe us. He won't believe anybody we've asked. He won't believe common sense.

So I'd like to read a series of emails. Wait, wait, wait. Hang on a second. I've got to find this fucking thing. Are they in Dutch? All right. So I sent this to the Van Damme Academy. To whom may concern.

Hello, my name is Keith Carey. I'm a comedian in Los Angeles, and I'm writing you with a very strange question. One of my co-hosts on my podcast applied years ago to the Van Damme Academy. He has been incredibly adamant that the school was founded by 80s action star Jean-Claude Van Damme.

I assume this to be false, partly because the names are spelled differently, partly because there's no evidence of this connection online, and mostly because he is a profound idiot. As he refuses to believe me, my colleagues, or common sense, I'm asking that you please just send me back a quick email confirming that the Van Damme Academy was not in fact founded by Jean-Claude Van Damme,

star of Bloodsport, Street Fighter the movie, and Bloodsport 2. Thank you for your time and thank you for your assistance in both preserving your school's reputation and making my friend look like a dum-dum. I received the following email from the Van Damme Academy. Hi, Keith. Jean-Claude Van Damme did not establish the Van Damme Academy. It was founded by educator Lisa Van Damme. But it occurred to me Tom Goss may in fact be, how did you put it, a profound idiot. So we've settled the Van Damme. But it occurred to me Tom Goss may in fact be, how did you put it? A profound idiot. So we've

settled the Van Damme Academy. That's like a diploma. That's better than getting into this. You've been called dumb by this school twice now? Yeah, they sure have. Quong. This next sketch examines Jay Leno's post-Tonight Show

mindset. I take some creative liberties. I mean, I like Mr. Leno. He seems like a good enough guy. But this is kind of what I picture him doing. This might be my favorite sketch you've written. It's one of mine. See, it's up there for me, certainly.

So enjoy this next one. I won't give too much away. This is Jay Leno's house. Johnny's Exotic Wild Animals. Oh, hey. Glad you could make it. Oh, my God. Mr. Leno, I'm a big fan. Seth, it's nice to meet you.

Oh, thank you, Seth. Come on in. I wish I would have known it was you, but I'll tell you, your grandson is going to have a hell of a bar mitzvah, all right? I've got a Brazilian rainbow boa constrictor, a lemur and a beautiful 42 year old macaw. That's great. Thanks, Seth. Just have a seat on the couch next to the desk there and we'll get started. Sounds good, Jay. And we're back here to talk with animal expert Seth. Seth, what do you have for us today?

Wait, was that Kevin Eubanks? I'm in between places since the divorce, man. Let's just get through this. So is that a rattlesnake you brought for me today? Or was that just a maraca in your messenger bag? Ha, ha, ha, ha, man, Jay. It's a boa constrictor. I told you on the porch.

Come in. What's up, buddy? Ladies and gentlemen, you may know my next guest is Cam from Modern Family. Give it up for Eric Stonestreet. God damn it, Jay. Not again. Hey, Seth, why don't you introduce Eric to your boa constrictor? I'm never going to see the fucking steam-powered fire engine, am I?

Mr. Leno, why is Eric Stonestreet here? Why are you wearing a denim bathrobe at 3 p.m.? Why did you book a wild animal show through a false name? Where is your nephew? Oh, so don't nobody think it's weird that Kevin's here. All right, that's nice. I said, why don't you introduce us to your boa constrictor, Seth? Well, her name is Coco. Oh, sorry, we don't say Coco in thisor, Seth. Well, her name is Coco. Oh, sorry.

We don't say Coco in this house, Seth. In this house, we're going to call the snake Ungrateful McFuck. The snake. Jay, I told you. You need to get some help. Everything's fine. You've got a show.

Oh, yeah. Jay's Garage. Everybody loves my CNBC original series about my fucking cars, Eric. When you're done playing a fag on TV in six years, and you can't do shit but host a 30-minute home improvement show on Spike, then you can tell me I'm fucking fine. There's no

bar mitzvah, is there? Man, at this stage in your career, Jay's Garage is a good passion project, a show that you've moved on. Hey, you wanna keep talking, Kevin? I'll take away your shelf in the refrigerator and make you sleep in the shed again. Alright, man, we didn't have to take it there. Now play the little womp, womp, womp, womp on yourself.

Man, we did 15 years together, Jay. Don't be like this. I said play the womp, womp, womp, womp. Hey, fuck you, man. I get cast in shit. I was just in The Secret Life of Pets. Oh, so when people come up to you on the street, they say, oh, wow, you're the fucking dog or whatever from Secret Life of Pets. Not, oh when people come up to you on the street, they say, oh, wow, you're the fucking dog or whatever

from Secret Life of Pets. Not, oh, you're that one pillow biter my grandma likes. Hey, man, that was a good family-friendly romp. Just don't be like this, Jay. Oh, right, excuse me. I forget Kevin was an expert at having a family. The Secret Life of Pets is the highest-grossing original animated film not by Disney or Pixar,

you fucking asshole. You want me to tell 20-year-old jokes at casinos and by Duesenbergs like you? Hey, speaking of pets, who wants to pet Sebastian, the ring-tailed lemur? Put your raccoon monkey away and get out of here, man. It ain't safe.

When we come back, the police are gonna be here. Now Eric gets to decide if it's the band or the branch of law enforcement. Jay, I have a family. Oh, how are they doing you got any three minute colorful anecdotes about your children you want to share on the couch so um sasha is my uh my youngest on the couch eric you share the anecdote you share it on the couch well uh sasha just turned three oh that's a fun age. Oh, yeah, for you.

I'm the one who has to deal with it 24-7. They can be a handful. Hey, you animal guy. Character actor, save yourselves. He's got a juggling bitch and Mike Myers locked up in the basement. So that's what he's been up to. Let's get out of here. Coco, come on.

Let's get out of here. Let her feed, Seth. This is the only way the cycle can be broken and I can be freed from my curse. I deserve this! So once upon a time in a comedy club in L.A., me and Connor were waiting to go on stage, and Connor says,

Tom, what is gravy? And I said, biscuit ketchup. And it has devolved into a game where i explain shit wrong very quickly at a rapid fire pace where they yell out things and i scream out the answers uh this specific lightning round we did at a live show at uh the good night in los angeles fucking great one it was i think it was the first time i got to perform for like a room full of people that actually like knew what I do and liked me. Yeah, that was insanely cool.

I was like, whoa, we have fans. This is neat. Yeah. And just to give people an idea of what this is before they get into the segment, what did you call the devil? Edgy God. How about swans? Sexy geese. What was love?

Horny fear. Okay, so yeah, you kind of get the rhythm here. And so this is, I think your finest lightning round to date, although you've had some good ones on the tour. We'll be dropping soon. This might be the best. The thing with the tour is I got so exhausted. Lightning round gets harder and harder and harder when you're fucking more

and more sleep-deprived. Oh, certainly, and for that, it gets better and better to the listener. So enjoy the Tom Goss lightning round, live at the Good Night. Alright, Tom Goss, you ready? Yes. It's kind of. All right.

Here we go. Blimps. Oh, blimps. Live in you balloons. All right, Tom. Christmas lights. Poetry. Oh, um, shitty rap. Alright, Tom. Moonshine. Oh, um, do-it-yourself whiskey.

Alex Jones. Oh, um, uh, uh, uh, um, uh, fat fat confusion man. That's you, Tom. You're the man. The bakery's just a lot of logs, everybody. All right, Tom. Lasagna.

Oh, um, folded spaghetti. Sleep. Oh, um, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, body iPhone rest. Yeah, that one uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, body iPhone rest. Yeah, that one got jumbled. All right, that one, yeah, overalls. Oh, um, uh, uh, shoulder pants. Heartbreak. Oh, um, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, soul cancer. Oh, shit. Or soul AIDS, depending on sexuality.

Sexuality. Tom, the game of cricket. What? The game of cricket. Oh, um, uh, uh game of cricket. What? The game of cricket. Oh, bad baseball. Radiohead. Oh, I know I'm a creep. Ladybugs.

Oh, sexy Beatles. Or milk beetles. Alright, Tom. 30 seconds on the clock. Name seven crimes. Okay, stabbing, shooting, murder, rape,

stealing, fraud, and jaywalking. 30 seconds on the clock. Name seven magic tricks. Oh, your coin's near. Find the card. I'm disappearing. You're disappearing. That statue's disappearing.

I'm a shot-even half-chick, and I breathe fire. Name seven articles of clothing. Okay, pants, underwear, socks, beanie, jackets, hair if you have enough, uh... Earrings! Whoa! Alright, name seven natural disasters. Oh! Uh, uh, not nuclear bomb, um... Uh, mountain falls down, what's it called, uh... Mountain falls down! what's it called? That's number one! That's the first one!

I was right to Mountain Falls Town. Volcano, tsunami, too much rain, too much wind, a flight, and genocide. I don't know what to say. No, I said more. Tom, name seven retarded people. Real ones? Like famous ones? They are fictional.

Okay, Forrest Gump. Oh, that fucking annoying guy. Was Sam or something? Oh, shit. We don't get repped well. Fucking George Jr. Oh, the CD guy from the ringer. Oh shit. Jose from the bus, my buddy Ben. The other Tom who was on the bus. The Thomas who was on the bus. He's going to the bus. And all special needs bus drivers. Ladies and gentlemen, that is the Tom Goss lightning round for Daily News on Time. Well, that's the best of everybody. Hope you enjoyed it. If you're a new listener, new episode six times a month.

Take a second to subscribe. It's very easy. And we're very funny. And we love you a lot. And also, just the level of shits that anybody gives about this is pretty overwhelming, especially like meeting you guys face-to-face like out on the road. It's pretty emotional. It's very cool, and we do not take it for granted in the least. Not at all, yeah.

So if you send us a tweet or an email, we'll always do our best to make the time to respond. We pretty much get back to everybody. We love talking to you guys, and it's fucking crazy. If you dug it, you know, if you've been thinking for a while uh you know never hurts to get a friend into the show help build the little grassroots empire yeah that's kind of allowed us to do a lot of cool things yeah which is pretty crazy and it's and it's at that point where people are taking interest you know like starburns we got to give them another big shout out and a big thank you we're excited to see how long it takes them to realize this was a weird investment oh

absolutely and uh just yeah just grateful that those are dudes that like yeah we don't want you Thank you, Starburns. We're excited to see how long it takes them to realize this was a weird investment. Oh, absolutely. And just grateful that those are dudes that are like, yeah, we don't want you to change anything. We just like you and we want to help you out. If you're new to the show and you like what you hear, jump over to MeanBoysPodcast.com. We have an email list there. You can sign up, get the latest on what we're up to when we're going on tour, all that jazz. Because we had so much fun. We're going to be doing this a lot more. Right.

And it's been fucking great. It's just like, yeah, let's just go fucking hop in a van and do a punk rock podcast out in a bar somewhere. Yeah, and we, you know, like we said earlier, we got the Patreon, patreon.com slash meanboys. That helps us out a great deal. Let's just get into a lot of wacky projects we have planned. Yeah, if we hadn't started that, we'd been super fucked. And basically... I've genuinely been paying my rent for a while.

Yeah, the more money we have, the more outlandish things we can do. And I've been looking into used truckasauruses. So I really, I think a down payment is swingable at some point in the very near future. Yeah, we will tour this country in a truckasaurus. Oh, for sure. Drop us a review on iTunes. That's, again, another quick thing. And then all that annoying shit, just follow us on all the social media platforms.

Just click through them. Make the number go up by one so that the fucking industry gods give more of a shit about us. Facebook, Instagram, Twitter. Subscribe to our YouTube page and check out Tom Goss' wonderful tour vlogs. Yeah. go up by one so that the fucking industry gods give more of a shit about us at facebook instagram twitter subscribe to our youtube page and check out tom goss's wonderful tour vlogs yeah where you get to see the day in the life of uh you know driving from chicago to fort wayne with a trans woman to go get electrocuted inside of an applebee's which is a real 24-hour period for my life uh and uh fucking love you guys yeah yeah this is uh this has been the best decision of my life doing this uh podcast feels weird to get so emotional in front of the engineer we don't

really know yeah you know i feel like i'm being awfully vulnerable i mean you're a cool enough guy i can tell but i'm a little just like oh man this kind of feels like you're petting a dog you might have cocaine you got it i'll figure it out might i'm trying to not implicate him yeah allegedly yeah yeah we oh yeah there's a whole no never mind that's a whole nother thing yeah might. I'm trying to not implicate him. Yeah, allegedly. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, yeah, there's a whole... No, never mind. That's a whole other thing. Yeah. The allegedly run. So, yeah. Thank you, guys. We got anything else to say, gang? No, I think

we should just close it out the way we close out every episode. All right. Fuck everything. God is dead.